Original subtitles

Good evening.

In this season of peace and goodwill,

the producers of Spitting Image have extended an olive branch

and invited me to turn on the holiday lights

at the Spitting Image studio.

Right, let's look at the instructions.

"Stand at the switch box...

"..put your foot in the bucket of water,

"and pull on the bare copper electrode."

PAINED JABBERING

WHIMPERS, GASPS

Are they pretty?

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

POLICE SIRENS

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

Whoa! Something heart-warming and whimsical's about to happen.

Thank goodness I've got my John Lewis rucksack.

All right?

Can we be friends?

HUM OF ENERGY

Teach me about Christmas.

It's about family, togetherness,

and great deals on non-stick saucepans.

Can the people of Earth get quality at low prices?

Absolutely.

Now do you see what Christmas is all about?

Yes. A slow-cured chestnut gammon from Waitrose.

Did... someone... order a gammon?

William Shatner?!

I... saw the starship arrive,

and I knew I must save this alien from your manipulative marketing.

Christmas is not about shopping in stores,

or standing in line,

or the deafening ringing of cash tills in your ears.

Then what is it, William Shatner?

It's about finding great deals on Amazon Prime

from the comfort of your own sofa,

which, by the way, you could have delivered next day.

Wait. So this is an advert for Amazon Prime?

Indeed. And... is that your mother?

ETHEREAL MUSIC

Yes. William Shatner,

what is... love?

I'll... show you.

SMOOCHING

Mum! Gross!

I don't know what Christmas is, but it's not this.

SMOOCHING

And for the top of the tree,

the Scottish angel, William Wallace. Ha-ha-ha!

BAGPIPES

He teaches us the true meaning of Christmas.

That's right, Holiday Haggis.

Hating the bloody English!

Speaking of self-defeating Scottish legends... Ugh!

Alex Salmond? What do you want?

A smooch under the mistletoe.

After all, I helped make the case for Scottish independence.

Och, well... I suppose so.

Glasgow kiss! Oh!

Why not visit Scotland for a holidays?

It's cold, dark, and everyone's pished.

Happy Hogma...

Ow!

He looks so real.

I wonder what could bring him to life.

VOICE OF BORIS: A good nip of your dad's brandy.

Oh, OK.

SHIMMERING CHIMES

Boozius Maximus! BELCHES

You're real!

Yes, and I'm going to take you on a magical flight

to see Britain under my leadership. Everything levelled up.

Well-paid jobs for the young,

and the old looked after in decent care homes.

I've "built back better".

I can't wait to see that!

And you will. But first, I need more fuel.

GROANS

SLURS: You know what's great?

Pornography.

What about my magical flight?

Just keep voting Tory. And bring me some sausages!

Snowmen love sausages.

CHOMPING

Oh, bloody hell. I'm getting the meat sweats.

What's going on here?

Uh-oh.

Dad, this snowman's been promising me things he can't deliver

and helping himself to everything we've got.

Just ignore him. He'll melt away before long.

He's melting already.

No, I'm just having a piss.

Merry Christmas!

Ugh!

TO TUNE OF 'WALKING IN THE AIR': # I'm pissing on this hedge

# I'm pissing On this family's hedge. #

Hey! amazing!

James Corden here with a message for... Michael.

Michael, you broke up with your girlfriend,

and your mates say there's only one thing

that will cheer you up.

Me singing you a song from Cats right next to the monkey enclosure.

Crazy! Here we go.

# Bustopher Jones Wears white spats... #

MONKEYS SCREECH AGGRESSIVELY

Monkeys! Amazing!

Did I cheer you up?

MONKEY SCREECHES

Ms Waller-Bridge,

I'm so happy you're helping write this year's Christmas speech.

It needed a good zhoosh.

Thank you, ma'am. Plus, I'm even posher than you are.

LAUGHS, SNORTS

Now, then, I like the start.

A trying year, importance of family,

a bit about the Commonwealth.

But where's all the naughty Fleabag bits?

You wanted all the filthy stuff?

Oh, one was rather looking forward to that.

I wanted to do a saucy bit about a hot priest.

One's butler had even acquired a vibrator.

Look, ma'am, I'm a serious writer.

I'm not just a lot of gimmicks and naughty words.

Come off it, love. We've all seen Fleabag.

"Look at me, talking about sex all the time,

"breaking the fourth wall."

Your Majesty, you've got completely the wrong idea about my work.

I'm sorry, but I quit.

I'm off to write a serious play...

with this up my arse!

VIBRATOR BUZZES 'GOD SAVE THE QUEEN'

Great idea, coming together for a friendly Christmas kickabout.

Yeah, setting aside our differences.

Like the Christmas Day truce in the trenches on the Somme.

You know what else would be nice?

A truce from being such positive role models.

Yeah. Being a shining example of non-toxic masculinity

does my nut in.

Well, let's do it.

Merry Christmas, Kane, you stupid wanker.

LAUGHS

Back at you, you big-nosed twat!

Wow! My football heroes. Can I get a selfie?

No, but you can have a bottle of piss.

Argh!

All: Bollocks to the fans! LAUGHTER

MOURNFULLY PLAYING 'HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING'

Oh, don't you just love the holiday season?

No! My feather boa hasn't arrived.

I won't have anything to wear on Christmas Day.

But we've got a whole separate house just full of clothes.

I don't care!

I've had enough disappointment. I'm ending it all.

Don't you try and stop me!

DAVID HUMS ABSENTLY

ELTON SEETHES

No-one loves me. I wish I'd never been born.

Sod it! I'm gonna jump.

Don't do it. ELTON GASPS

Brad Pitt? Fuck a duck!

I'm your guardian angel.

We always appear as the person you most fancy.

I like it. CHUCKLES

So, what happens now?

I'm gonna show you what the world would have been like

if you'd never lived.

Oh, blimey! We're in the White House.

And that's Bernie Taupin!

He's the President. What?!

He didn't have to spend his life keeping you on the rails.

He went into politics

and got the Democrats and Republicans working together.

To gun control.

To zero taxes.

But what about all those songs we wrote? Bernie!

What about Crocodile Rock?

He can't hear you.

Sure, you didn't write any songs,

but everyone's seemed really happy with that.

Well, I don't like this at all.

Where's my husband? I want to see David!

No problem.

David has spent his life trying to make movies

that aren't about Elton John.

Because you never lived.

He can't have gone far doing that! MOCKING LAUGHTER

Well...

What about his personal life?

He can't possibly be happy without me!

DOOR OPENS

More wine, babycakes?

Tom Cruise?! But he's not gay.

And we're not suggesting he is.

Tom Cruise is definitely heterosexual.

But somehow they make it work.

I hate this world!

There's no me in it, and everyone's happier.

Oh, take me back.

I want to see David - the REAL David!

Not the one who lives with Tom Cruise,

who is definitely heterosexual.

GROANS

CLICKS FINGERS

JABBERS

Elton, there you are!

Thank God! Brad Pitt showed me a world

where Bernie Taupin was President and you lived with Tom Cruise!

Have you taken drugs?

Ha! It's true.

Oh! Where's Brad Pitt?

DOORBELL

Your feather boa.

Fabulous! You're an angel.

Christmas can begin!

Ha-ha! Ho-ho-ho!

Oh, Aneurin, this could be a terrible Christmas.

Some people can't get their turkeys, and I'm powerless to help.

You're a politician. No-one expects you to do anything.

By day, yes.

But by night, I am Foxman,

the masked avenger who brings justice...

wherever permitted by the legal and regulatory framework.

And there's one thing the Fox is good at:

catching poultry.

TURKEY GOBBLES

You're working class! Stop running away from Labour!

Oh!

Oh! Ow, ow! Stop!

Please, ow! There's a fox stealing our turkey.

Not stealing!

Redistributing foodstuffs,

for which you will be fully compensated

according to a schedule of fees determined

by a duly appointed commission... GUNSHOT

Ow!

Well, it was the only meat the butcher had.

It's even blander than turkey.

Finally, I'm useful!

Shut up, dinner!

Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk,

your companies affect the lives of everyone on the planet,

yet you billionaires do whatever you like.

Why shouldn't we rein you in?

TO TUNE OF 'THREE LITTLE MAIDS FROM SCHOOL ARE WE':

# Three billionaires, so cool are we Running the world's economy

# Giving our time so generously

# Three billionaires so cool

# Maybe you'd rather use snail mail

# Go to the store and buy retail

# Travel to Mars by Amtrak Rail

# Three billionaires extraordinary

# Make modern life so very merry

# So here's the answer to your query

# We billionaires are cool

# Three billionaires are cool. #

Ah, you know what? I'm not convinced.

Release the lion.

ROARS

SCREAMING

Well, it's been quite a year for the Queensmen,

the elite secret service team

where good mental health always comes first.

How are we all feeling?

Positive! Not bad. Fantastic.

Good.

But if you have any anxiety issues, use the emergency comfort blanket.

OK, situation update.

Joe Wicks dealt with a plot to destroy the UK nuclear sub base

at Faslane, but had to pull out because he was feeling insecure.

Jurgen. The Clyde site was destroyed,

but Joe's feelings improved after doing burpees.

Always works!

Burpees, burpees, burpees! Positive, positive, POSITIVE!

Excellent. Our other operation was in Paris,

with our new recruit Emma Raducanu.

I stopped the Eiffel Tower from being blown up.

Yeah, but I was your back-up, and it was really stressful.

You should have aborted the mission, Emma.

You forgot what the Queensmen are all about.

But I saved the lives of thousands.

That's not the point. I should ask for your badge,

but I'll put it down to inexperience.

It's the end of the road, Queensmen!

Barnes Lothario. I thought we killed you in Geneva.

Nearly. But Adele let me go after asking if I needed a cuddle.

Well done, Adele. Cheers, babe.

I booby-trapped this building. You have one minute left to live,

while I escape by parachuting out the window.

Feeling anxious. Und panicky!

Maybe we could do some burpees.

I know!

Well done, Emma. The comfort blanket!

SHE GRUNTS

Tell me where the bomb is, you! Ow!

Emma, we are in an emotional crisis, this is no time for action!

Oh, bollocks to the Queensmen.

Ah!

Sort the bomb out for yourselves.

Stay positive!

Argh!

Hey, Paul McCartney here.

Whoo! Doing a Christmas post on Instagram Live,

like the normal, everyday guy I am.

Hey, how about a tune?

TO TUNE OF 'WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME':

# A normal bloke In a massive house

# A chirpy smile

# And a hint of Scouse

# Paul McCartney's Regular Christmas time

# Discount veg and £2.99 wine

# It's true, I have done LSD... #

SITARS CHIME

# But I prefer a cup of tea

# And though My daughter's famous too

# I sent her to the local school

# Paul McCartney's Regular Christmas time

# Nothing fancy, regular

# Is just fine. #

Hey, Macca, here's a five million quid royalty check.

Cheers, postie, but I won't tip you.

Wouldn't be right, us being regular blokes.

Oh, fuck off, Paul McCartney, you tight bastard.

Do I tax and spend, or cut and save?

Either way, someone will be upset with me.

Oi! That's my dorsal fin, you berk!

Ah! A rude fish?

I'm the Ghost of Failed British Fishing Policy.

Strap yourself in, you're about to get haunted.

CLOCK CHIMES, THUNDER

The lady is for returning. MANIACAL LAUGH

Argh! Margaret Thatcher?!

Yes, I'm the Ghost of Tory Glory Past.

Record unemployment, industries destroyed -

we got things done.

Can we really go back to the 1980s?

Of course we can. Boom!

Now, cut some essential services.

HE GRUNTS

THUNDER

You all right, Rishi? I'm the Ghost of the Compassionate Present,

and I'm gonna show you what happens when you don't spend.

Get ready to see something pathetic.

Talk about fun -

two recently single guys with a couple of juicy birds.

Yeah, and after dinner, we hit the nightclubs

like only middle-aged men can.

MIMICS DANCE MUSIC

You're twisting my melon, man.

BOTH MIMIC DANCE MUSIC

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

On-on, ee-ee-ee-ee!

Have you ever seen anything sadder? No.

But I'm not sure that's the fault of fiscal policy.

Fair enough. But you still stopped poor schoolkids

eating in the holidays.

HE GRUNTS

You must be the Ghost of Fiscal Future.

Are you here to show me what happens if I make the wrong choice?

My bank balance?

Of course!

In the end, it doesn't matter what I do,

because I'm incredibly rich!

HE LAUGHS

And so the moral of the story is, be a billionaire.

Merry Christmas!

And God help us, every one!

Never stop learning.

Never stop apologising.

Never stop making it all about you.

Incessant.

By Jameela Jamil.

Grogu, you're not a baby any more.

You have to stop slacking off at school.

Stupid Jedi Academy is.

About history of Force, who cares?

What matters is that you try. Then let me get my nose pierced.

SIGHS

Something to get you in the mood, honey.

Don't take drugs, you tell me.

Big hypocrite, you are.

STRAINED: Grogu, do not use the Force to disapprove of me.

Uh... Dad?

My piercing got infected.

Told you not to pierce your nose.

Not my nose.

You got your junk pierced?!

# It's that special time of year

# When celebrities from far and near

# Come together to remind you That we care

# Yes, we care, care, care

# All about issues And important stuff

# Like, um... # Er, what's this song about?

Climate change, dear. Oh, right.

# Chestnuts roasting In a forest fire

# Melted snow-caps lap your toes

# There's a tear in our eye Cos it's hot as July

# And my skin's turned Red as Rudolph's nose

# Unless we stop refusing

# To quit fossil fuelling

# Then we'll all drown In penguin tears

# A shower of penguin tears! #

Who's that?

# Put the pedal to the metal, We're the Carbon Crew

# And we're here to lay out Some of the facts for you... #

Xi Jinping!

Mitch McConnell!

Scott Morrison!

Prime Minister of Australia, we sell a lot of coal. Oh.

# So you don't like fossil fuels Well, boo-hoo-hoo

# It runs your fridges and hospitals And private jets too

# You say it's gonna warm If we don't do something drastic

# Then you've got to say goodbye To everything plastic. #

My glasses!

My boobs!

# Climate change Could be mighty fine

# Getting tanned in November

# Drinking British wine

# Solar power goes poof When the sun goes down

# When turbines kill birds Oh, frown, frown, frown... #

Unless you'd like to try nuclear power?

ALL: No! What they're saying is you can't solve climate change

without making some hard choices.

So our song is just a pointless feel-good exercise?

No, Harry.

You're wrong.

# With the power of celebrity

# There is nothing we can't do

# By doing lots of singing And much hand-wringing

# We can make anything come true. #

We care!

We care!

We care, care, care.

We do?

Hm. Ha!

We did it! Climate change is solved.

That was just a lighting change.

ALL: We said it's solved!

'Buy the Celebrities Solve Climate Change tote bag

'and do your part to fight global warming

'when you stick it in the cupboard with your 400 other bags,

'only 29.99. Made in, and shipped from, China.'

Thanks, world.

Binky Elf, Gemma Elf.

While I was sleeping, Jack Frost came and nipped my nose.

Now it's swelled up so big, I can't seem to drive the sleigh tonight.

But how will the children get their presents?

I'll drive your damn sleigh for you.

Tom Cruise? You're a movie star,

why would you want to drive a sleigh?

Because when I was in high school,

I drove my dad's Porsche into a lake.

I screwed up, and if I deliver your presents for you,

I can get redemption.

Isn't that the plot of Risky Business?

Do you want your presents delivered or not?!

Santa, do you trust me?

I do, Tom. Because you're a Scientologist, like me.

But I'm sending Binky Elf along to help.

STRAINED: Left rein! Haul traces!

Easy, Prancer. That's Dancer.

Whatever! You're doing it wrong.

I'm fine.

Like this!

Let go!

Arghhh!

Binky! NO-O-O-O!

I'm sorry I crashed your Porsche, Dad!

EXPLOSION

Hm.

Maybe Scientology doesn't make sense after all.

Ho-ho-ho!

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-Ah-Oh-Ah-Oh. #

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com