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Good evening.
2
00:00:01,440 --> 00:00:03,640
In this season
of peace and goodwill,
3
00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:06,440
the producers of Spitting Image
have extended an olive branch
4
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,760
and invited me
to turn on the holiday lights
5
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,440
at the Spitting Image studio.
6
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:12,920
Right,
let's look at the instructions.
7
00:00:12,920 --> 00:00:14,680
"Stand at the switch box...
8
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:18,560
"..put your foot
in the bucket of water,
9
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:21,480
"and pull on
the bare copper electrode."
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00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:25,520
PAINED JABBERING
11
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:30,000
WHIMPERS, GASPS
12
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,440
Are they pretty?
13
00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:36,680
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
14
00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:39,920
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
15
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,400
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
16
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:45,720
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
17
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:49,880
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #
18
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:52,840
POLICE SIRENS
19
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,040
SOFT MUSIC PLAYS
20
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:02,240
Whoa! Something heart-warming
and whimsical's about to happen.
21
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,240
Thank goodness I've got
my John Lewis rucksack.
22
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,520
All right?
23
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,280
Can we be friends?
24
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,440
HUM OF ENERGY
25
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,880
Teach me about Christmas.
26
00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,160
It's about family, togetherness,
27
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:23,120
and great deals
on non-stick saucepans.
28
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,920
Can the people of Earth
get quality at low prices?
29
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,320
Absolutely.
30
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,120
Now do you see
what Christmas is all about?
31
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,720
Yes. A slow-cured chestnut gammon
from Waitrose.
32
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:35,240
Did... someone... order a gammon?
33
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,800
William Shatner?!
34
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:38,800
I... saw the starship arrive,
35
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:43,320
and I knew I must save this alien
from your manipulative marketing.
36
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,520
Christmas is not
about shopping in stores,
37
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,320
or standing in line,
38
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:50,960
or the deafening ringing
of cash tills in your ears.
39
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,440
Then what is it, William Shatner?
40
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,120
It's about finding great deals
on Amazon Prime
41
00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:58,280
from the comfort of your own sofa,
42
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,680
which, by the way,
you could have delivered next day.
43
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:03,640
Wait. So this is an advert
for Amazon Prime?
44
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:07,320
Indeed. And... is that your mother?
45
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,120
ETHEREAL MUSIC
46
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:11,480
Yes. William Shatner,
47
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,720
what is... love?
48
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,480
I'll... show you.
49
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:18,080
SMOOCHING
50
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:19,760
Mum! Gross!
51
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,680
I don't know what Christmas is,
but it's not this.
52
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:25,000
SMOOCHING
53
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:27,800
And for the top of the tree,
54
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:31,240
the Scottish angel, William Wallace.
Ha-ha-ha!
55
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,320
BAGPIPES
56
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:35,280
He teaches us
the true meaning of Christmas.
57
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,240
That's right, Holiday Haggis.
58
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,760
Hating the bloody English!
59
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,600
Speaking of self-defeating
Scottish legends... Ugh!
60
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,080
Alex Salmond? What do you want?
61
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,000
A smooch under the mistletoe.
62
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,640
After all, I helped make the case
for Scottish independence.
63
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Och, well... I suppose so.
64
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,600
Glasgow kiss!
Oh!
65
00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,560
Why not visit Scotland
for a holidays?
66
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,920
It's cold, dark,
and everyone's pished.
67
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,560
Happy Hogma...
68
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:04,840
Ow!
69
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,520
He looks so real.
70
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,440
I wonder what could
bring him to life.
71
00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:14,640
VOICE OF BORIS:
A good nip of your dad's brandy.
72
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:15,800
Oh, OK.
73
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,160
SHIMMERING CHIMES
74
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,360
Boozius Maximus!
BELCHES
75
00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:25,640
You're real!
76
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:28,600
Yes, and I'm going to take you
on a magical flight
77
00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,640
to see Britain under my leadership.
Everything levelled up.
78
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:33,520
Well-paid jobs for the young,
79
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:36,560
and the old looked after
in decent care homes.
80
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,720
I've "built back better".
81
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:40,640
I can't wait to see that!
82
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:44,200
And you will.
But first, I need more fuel.
83
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,440
GROANS
84
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,280
SLURS: You know what's great?
85
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,680
Pornography.
86
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:57,000
What about my magical flight?
87
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,280
Just keep voting Tory.
And bring me some sausages!
88
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,200
Snowmen love sausages.
89
00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,000
CHOMPING
90
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,040
Oh, bloody hell.
I'm getting the meat sweats.
91
00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:11,320
What's going on here?
92
00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:12,760
Uh-oh.
93
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:15,800
Dad, this snowman's been
promising me things he can't deliver
94
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,000
and helping himself
to everything we've got.
95
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,840
Just ignore him.
He'll melt away before long.
96
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,000
He's melting already.
97
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,720
No, I'm just having a piss.
98
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,080
Merry Christmas!
99
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:27,520
Ugh!
100
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:31,440
TO TUNE OF 'WALKING IN THE AIR':
# I'm pissing on this hedge
101
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:36,000
# I'm pissing
On this family's hedge. #
102
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,480
Hey! amazing!
103
00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,400
James Corden here
with a message for... Michael.
104
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,520
Michael, you broke up
with your girlfriend,
105
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,600
and your mates say
there's only one thing
106
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,120
that will cheer you up.
107
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:56,000
Me singing you a song from Cats
right next to the monkey enclosure.
108
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,280
Crazy! Here we go.
109
00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:01,160
# Bustopher Jones
Wears white spats... #
110
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:05,200
MONKEYS SCREECH AGGRESSIVELY
111
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:11,280
Monkeys! Amazing!
112
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,880
Did I cheer you up?
113
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,040
MONKEY SCREECHES
114
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:19,720
Ms Waller-Bridge,
115
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:23,120
I'm so happy you're helping
write this year's Christmas speech.
116
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:24,800
It needed a good zhoosh.
117
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,480
Thank you, ma'am.
Plus, I'm even posher than you are.
118
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LAUGHS, SNORTS
119
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Now, then, I like the start.
120
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,960
A trying year,
importance of family,
121
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,600
a bit about the Commonwealth.
122
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,880
But where's
all the naughty Fleabag bits?
123
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,400
You wanted all the filthy stuff?
124
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,800
Oh, one was rather
looking forward to that.
125
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:45,160
I wanted to do a saucy bit
about a hot priest.
126
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,400
One's butler had even acquired
a vibrator.
127
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,240
Look, ma'am, I'm a serious writer.
128
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,840
I'm not just a lot of gimmicks
and naughty words.
129
00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,280
Come off it, love.
We've all seen Fleabag.
130
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,600
"Look at me,
talking about sex all the time,
131
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,080
"breaking the fourth wall."
132
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:02,680
Your Majesty, you've got completely
the wrong idea about my work.
133
00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,320
I'm sorry, but I quit.
134
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,120
I'm off to write a serious play...
135
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,280
with this up my arse!
136
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:11,480
VIBRATOR BUZZES 'GOD SAVE THE QUEEN'
137
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:15,200
Great idea, coming together
for a friendly Christmas kickabout.
138
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,240
Yeah, setting aside our differences.
139
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,840
Like the Christmas Day truce
in the trenches on the Somme.
140
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,320
You know what else would be nice?
141
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:24,440
A truce from being
such positive role models.
142
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,040
Yeah. Being a shining example
of non-toxic masculinity
143
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:28,640
does my nut in.
144
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,200
Well, let's do it.
145
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,760
Merry Christmas, Kane,
you stupid wanker.
146
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:34,880
LAUGHS
147
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,800
Back at you, you big-nosed twat!
148
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:41,240
Wow! My football heroes.
Can I get a selfie?
149
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:43,400
No, but you can have
a bottle of piss.
150
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:44,600
Argh!
151
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,760
All: Bollocks to the fans!
LAUGHTER
152
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:51,440
MOURNFULLY PLAYING
'HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING'
153
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:54,040
Oh, don't you just love
the holiday season?
154
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,760
No! My feather boa hasn't arrived.
155
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,640
I won't have anything to wear
on Christmas Day.
156
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,960
But we've got a whole separate house
just full of clothes.
157
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,680
I don't care!
158
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,800
I've had enough disappointment.
I'm ending it all.
159
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,000
Don't you try and stop me!
160
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:11,920
DAVID HUMS ABSENTLY
161
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,120
ELTON SEETHES
162
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:18,480
No-one loves me.
I wish I'd never been born.
163
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,400
Sod it! I'm gonna jump.
164
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,760
Don't do it.
ELTON GASPS
165
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,920
Brad Pitt? Fuck a duck!
166
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,400
I'm your guardian angel.
167
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,400
We always appear
as the person you most fancy.
168
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:31,640
I like it.
CHUCKLES
169
00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:32,920
So, what happens now?
170
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,240
I'm gonna show you
what the world would have been like
171
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,440
if you'd never lived.
172
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,960
Oh, blimey!
We're in the White House.
173
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,360
And that's Bernie Taupin!
174
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,360
He's the President.
What?!
175
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:49,120
He didn't have to spend his life
keeping you on the rails.
176
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,360
He went into politics
177
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:53,360
and got the Democrats
and Republicans working together.
178
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,920
To gun control.
179
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,560
To zero taxes.
180
00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,560
But what about all those songs
we wrote? Bernie!
181
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,520
What about Crocodile Rock?
182
00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:03,800
He can't hear you.
183
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,960
Sure, you didn't write any songs,
184
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,400
but everyone's seemed
really happy with that.
185
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,640
Well, I don't like this at all.
186
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,920
Where's my husband?
I want to see David!
187
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,320
No problem.
188
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:18,480
David has spent his life
trying to make movies
189
00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:20,440
that aren't about Elton John.
190
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,000
Because you never lived.
191
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,680
He can't have gone far doing that!
MOCKING LAUGHTER
192
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:25,800
Well...
193
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,320
What about his personal life?
194
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,160
He can't possibly be happy
without me!
195
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,320
DOOR OPENS
196
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,120
More wine, babycakes?
197
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,080
Tom Cruise?! But he's not gay.
198
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:40,720
And we're not suggesting he is.
199
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,480
Tom Cruise
is definitely heterosexual.
200
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,360
But somehow they make it work.
201
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,480
I hate this world!
202
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,520
There's no me in it,
and everyone's happier.
203
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,760
Oh, take me back.
204
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,480
I want to see David -
the REAL David!
205
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,480
Not the one
who lives with Tom Cruise,
206
00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,080
who is definitely heterosexual.
207
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,280
GROANS
208
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,600
CLICKS FINGERS
209
00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:04,400
JABBERS
210
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,400
Elton, there you are!
211
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:10,160
Thank God!
Brad Pitt showed me a world
212
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:15,240
where Bernie Taupin was President
and you lived with Tom Cruise!
213
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:16,280
Have you taken drugs?
214
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,000
Ha! It's true.
215
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,920
Oh! Where's Brad Pitt?
216
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,000
DOORBELL
217
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,560
Your feather boa.
218
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,760
Fabulous! You're an angel.
219
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,200
Christmas can begin!
220
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,240
Ha-ha! Ho-ho-ho!
221
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:34,680
Oh, Aneurin, this could be
a terrible Christmas.
222
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:38,200
Some people can't get their turkeys,
and I'm powerless to help.
223
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,880
You're a politician.
No-one expects you to do anything.
224
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:42,240
By day, yes.
225
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:45,320
But by night, I am Foxman,
226
00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:47,480
the masked avenger
who brings justice...
227
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,600
wherever permitted by
the legal and regulatory framework.
228
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,360
And there's one thing
the Fox is good at:
229
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:54,280
catching poultry.
230
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,600
TURKEY GOBBLES
231
00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,040
You're working class!
Stop running away from Labour!
232
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:01,400
Oh!
233
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,640
Oh! Ow, ow! Stop!
234
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,160
Please, ow!
There's a fox stealing our turkey.
235
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,640
Not stealing!
236
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,600
Redistributing foodstuffs,
237
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,400
for which
you will be fully compensated
238
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,200
according to a schedule of fees
determined
239
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,120
by a duly appointed commission...
GUNSHOT
240
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,760
Ow!
241
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,920
Well, it was the only meat
the butcher had.
242
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:22,400
It's even blander than turkey.
243
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:23,920
Finally, I'm useful!
244
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,720
Shut up, dinner!
245
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:32,800
Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg
and Elon Musk,
246
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:36,440
your companies affect the lives
of everyone on the planet,
247
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,120
yet you billionaires
do whatever you like.
248
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:41,320
Why shouldn't we rein you in?
249
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,480
TO TUNE OF 'THREE LITTLE MAIDS
FROM SCHOOL ARE WE':
250
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:47,120
# Three billionaires, so cool are we
Running the world's economy
251
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,360
# Giving our time so generously
252
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,200
# Three billionaires so cool
253
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,800
# Maybe you'd rather use snail mail
254
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,840
# Go to the store and buy retail
255
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:59,280
# Travel to Mars by Amtrak Rail
256
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,560
# Three billionaires extraordinary
257
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,560
# Make modern life so very merry
258
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:10,920
# So here's the answer to your query
259
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,960
# We billionaires are cool
260
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:17,160
# Three billionaires are cool. #
261
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,360
Ah, you know what?
I'm not convinced.
262
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:21,960
Release the lion.
263
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,080
ROARS
264
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,360
SCREAMING
265
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,000
Well, it's been quite a year
for the Queensmen,
266
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,560
the elite secret service team
267
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,720
where good mental health
always comes first.
268
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:37,800
How are we all feeling?
269
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,560
Positive! Not bad.
Fantastic.
270
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:40,600
Good.
271
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,920
But if you have any anxiety issues,
use the emergency comfort blanket.
272
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,000
OK, situation update.
273
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:49,440
Joe Wicks dealt with a plot
to destroy the UK nuclear sub base
274
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:52,800
at Faslane, but had to pull out
because he was feeling insecure.
275
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,440
Jurgen.
The Clyde site was destroyed,
276
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,960
but Joe's feelings improved
after doing burpees.
277
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,000
Always works!
278
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:02,440
Burpees, burpees, burpees!
Positive, positive, POSITIVE!
279
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,280
Excellent.
Our other operation was in Paris,
280
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,600
with our new recruit Emma Raducanu.
281
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,560
I stopped the Eiffel Tower
from being blown up.
282
00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,400
Yeah, but I was your back-up,
and it was really stressful.
283
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,440
You should have aborted the mission,
Emma.
284
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,600
You forgot what the Queensmen
are all about.
285
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,320
But I saved the lives of thousands.
286
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,200
That's not the point.
I should ask for your badge,
287
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,880
but I'll put it down
to inexperience.
288
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,520
It's the end of the road, Queensmen!
289
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,320
Barnes Lothario.
I thought we killed you in Geneva.
290
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:31,480
Nearly. But Adele let me go
after asking if I needed a cuddle.
291
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,320
Well done, Adele.
Cheers, babe.
292
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,640
I booby-trapped this building.
You have one minute left to live,
293
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,800
while I escape
by parachuting out the window.
294
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,920
Feeling anxious.
Und panicky!
295
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,080
Maybe we could do some burpees.
296
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:45,680
I know!
297
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,240
Well done, Emma.
The comfort blanket!
298
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,440
SHE GRUNTS
299
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,800
Tell me where the bomb is, you!
Ow!
300
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:56,840
Emma, we are in an emotional crisis,
this is no time for action!
301
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,520
Oh, bollocks to the Queensmen.
302
00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,560
Ah!
303
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,760
Sort the bomb out for yourselves.
304
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,040
Stay positive!
305
00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:06,640
Argh!
306
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:09,400
Hey, Paul McCartney here.
307
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,640
Whoo! Doing a Christmas post
on Instagram Live,
308
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,440
like the normal, everyday guy I am.
309
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,240
Hey, how about a tune?
310
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,320
TO TUNE OF
'WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIME':
311
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,640
# A normal bloke
In a massive house
312
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,960
# A chirpy smile
313
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,160
# And a hint of Scouse
314
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:31,760
# Paul McCartney's
Regular Christmas time
315
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:36,920
# Discount veg and £2.99 wine
316
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:41,720
# It's true, I have done LSD... #
317
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,800
SITARS CHIME
318
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:48,320
# But I prefer a cup of tea
319
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:52,880
# And though
My daughter's famous too
320
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:59,280
# I sent her to the local school
321
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:03,880
# Paul McCartney's
Regular Christmas time
322
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:08,120
# Nothing fancy, regular
323
00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,640
# Is just fine. #
324
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:15,960
Hey, Macca, here's
a five million quid royalty check.
325
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,280
Cheers, postie, but I won't tip you.
326
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,760
Wouldn't be right,
us being regular blokes.
327
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,840
Oh, fuck off, Paul McCartney,
you tight bastard.
328
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,160
Do I tax and spend, or cut and save?
329
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,360
Either way,
someone will be upset with me.
330
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:36,720
Oi! That's my dorsal fin, you berk!
331
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,320
Ah! A rude fish?
332
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,680
I'm the Ghost of Failed
British Fishing Policy.
333
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,480
Strap yourself in,
you're about to get haunted.
334
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,760
CLOCK CHIMES,
THUNDER
335
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:50,360
The lady is for returning.
MANIACAL LAUGH
336
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,800
Argh! Margaret Thatcher?!
337
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:56,560
Yes, I'm the Ghost
of Tory Glory Past.
338
00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:59,520
Record unemployment,
industries destroyed -
339
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,440
we got things done.
340
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,760
Can we really go back to the 1980s?
341
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,360
Of course we can. Boom!
342
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:08,560
Now, cut some essential services.
343
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:09,880
HE GRUNTS
344
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,320
THUNDER
345
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,560
You all right, Rishi? I'm the Ghost
of the Compassionate Present,
346
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:21,480
and I'm gonna show you what happens
when you don't spend.
347
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,760
Get ready to see something pathetic.
348
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,640
Talk about fun -
349
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:32,600
two recently single guys
with a couple of juicy birds.
350
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,320
Yeah, and after dinner,
we hit the nightclubs
351
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,440
like only middle-aged men can.
352
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:38,720
MIMICS DANCE MUSIC
353
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,080
You're twisting my melon, man.
354
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,680
BOTH MIMIC DANCE MUSIC
355
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:43,720
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
356
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,080
On-on, ee-ee-ee-ee!
357
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,480
Have you ever seen anything sadder?
No.
358
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,600
But I'm not sure that's the fault
of fiscal policy.
359
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,960
Fair enough. But you still
stopped poor schoolkids
360
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,120
eating in the holidays.
361
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,520
HE GRUNTS
362
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,800
You must be
the Ghost of Fiscal Future.
363
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:04,480
Are you here to show me what happens
if I make the wrong choice?
364
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,840
My bank balance?
365
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,120
Of course!
366
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,320
In the end,
it doesn't matter what I do,
367
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:15,160
because I'm incredibly rich!
368
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,720
HE LAUGHS
369
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,240
And so the moral of the story is,
be a billionaire.
370
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:21,440
Merry Christmas!
371
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:24,720
And God help us, every one!
372
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,880
Never stop learning.
373
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:32,000
Never stop apologising.
374
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,520
Never stop making it all about you.
375
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:40,400
Incessant.
376
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,320
By Jameela Jamil.
377
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,920
Grogu, you're not a baby any more.
378
00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,600
You have to stop slacking off
at school.
379
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:00,920
Stupid Jedi Academy is.
380
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,760
About history of Force, who cares?
381
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,720
What matters is that you try.
Then let me get my nose pierced.
382
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,240
SIGHS
383
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,840
Something to get you in the mood,
honey.
384
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:17,280
Don't take drugs, you tell me.
385
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:20,040
Big hypocrite, you are.
386
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:24,560
STRAINED: Grogu, do not use
the Force to disapprove of me.
387
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,680
Uh... Dad?
388
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,360
My piercing got infected.
389
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,360
Told you not to pierce your nose.
390
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,600
Not my nose.
391
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,520
You got your junk pierced?!
392
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:53,840
# It's that special time of year
393
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:59,080
# When celebrities from far and near
394
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:05,400
# Come together to remind you
That we care
395
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:09,640
# Yes, we care, care, care
396
00:18:09,640 --> 00:18:15,080
# All about issues
And important stuff
397
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,560
# Like, um... #
Er, what's this song about?
398
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,720
Climate change, dear.
Oh, right.
399
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:27,040
# Chestnuts roasting
In a forest fire
400
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:30,640
# Melted snow-caps lap your toes
401
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,920
# There's a tear in our eye
Cos it's hot as July
402
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:37,200
# And my skin's turned
Red as Rudolph's nose
403
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:40,800
# Unless we stop refusing
404
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:44,160
# To quit fossil fuelling
405
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:48,640
# Then we'll all drown
In penguin tears
406
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,640
# A shower of penguin tears! #
407
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,520
Who's that?
408
00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:56,120
# Put the pedal to the metal,
We're the Carbon Crew
409
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:59,120
# And we're here to lay out
Some of the facts for you... #
410
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,360
Xi Jinping!
411
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:01,800
Mitch McConnell!
412
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:02,840
Scott Morrison!
413
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:06,400
Prime Minister of Australia,
we sell a lot of coal. Oh.
414
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,160
# So you don't like fossil fuels
Well, boo-hoo-hoo
415
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,800
# It runs your fridges and hospitals
And private jets too
416
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,600
# You say it's gonna warm
If we don't do something drastic
417
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,600
# Then you've got to say goodbye
To everything plastic. #
418
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,040
My glasses!
419
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,080
My boobs!
420
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,040
# Climate change
Could be mighty fine
421
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:25,320
# Getting tanned in November
422
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,800
# Drinking British wine
423
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,120
# Solar power goes poof
When the sun goes down
424
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:32,880
# When turbines kill birds
Oh, frown, frown, frown... #
425
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,960
Unless you'd like to try
nuclear power?
426
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,200
ALL: No! What they're saying is
you can't solve climate change
427
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,320
without making some hard choices.
428
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,080
So our song is just
a pointless feel-good exercise?
429
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,240
No, Harry.
430
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,560
You're wrong.
431
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:51,480
# With the power of celebrity
432
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,680
# There is nothing we can't do
433
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,960
# By doing lots of singing
And much hand-wringing
434
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:02,160
# We can make anything come true. #
435
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,800
We care!
436
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,640
We care!
437
00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,160
We care, care, care.
438
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,560
We do?
439
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,200
Hm. Ha!
440
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,040
We did it! Climate change is solved.
441
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,920
That was just a lighting change.
442
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,520
ALL: We said it's solved!
443
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,000
'Buy the Celebrities Solve
Climate Change tote bag
444
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,960
'and do your part
to fight global warming
445
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,360
'when you stick it in the cupboard
with your 400 other bags,
446
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:26,880
'only 29.99.
Made in, and shipped from, China.'
447
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,800
Thanks, world.
448
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,120
Binky Elf, Gemma Elf.
449
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:38,120
While I was sleeping,
Jack Frost came and nipped my nose.
450
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:42,600
Now it's swelled up so big, I can't
seem to drive the sleigh tonight.
451
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,960
But how will the children
get their presents?
452
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,720
I'll drive your damn sleigh for you.
453
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,680
Tom Cruise? You're a movie star,
454
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,200
why would you
want to drive a sleigh?
455
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,880
Because when I was in high school,
456
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,080
I drove my dad's Porsche
into a lake.
457
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,960
I screwed up, and if I deliver
your presents for you,
458
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,400
I can get redemption.
459
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,200
Isn't that the plot
of Risky Business?
460
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,200
Do you want your presents delivered
or not?!
461
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,120
Santa, do you trust me?
462
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:12,400
I do, Tom. Because you're
a Scientologist, like me.
463
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,680
But I'm sending Binky Elf along
to help.
464
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,360
STRAINED: Left rein! Haul traces!
465
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,520
Easy, Prancer.
That's Dancer.
466
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,240
Whatever!
You're doing it wrong.
467
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,440
I'm fine.
468
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:24,720
Like this!
469
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,880
Let go!
470
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,280
Arghhh!
471
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:31,760
Binky! NO-O-O-O!
472
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:36,200
I'm sorry I crashed your Porsche,
Dad!
473
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,160
EXPLOSION
474
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,600
Hm.
475
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,960
Maybe Scientology
doesn't make sense after all.
476
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,720
Ho-ho-ho!
477
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:46,520
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
478
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,680
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
479
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:52,920
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
480
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,440
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
481
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,720
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
482
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,800
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
483
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,320
# Oh-Ah-Oh-Ah-Oh. #
484
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:06,280
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