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# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
2
00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:06,600
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
3
00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,280
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
4
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:12,120
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
5
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:15,880
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #
6
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:18,880
SIREN WAILS
7
00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:24,120
The climate crisis is existential.
8
00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:27,760
We must put aside
all national differences.
9
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:31,040
Oh, Monsieur Mash Potato!
No!
10
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,680
You will not distract me
from saving the planet.
11
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:35,920
I have impounded
your little scallop boat.
12
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:36,960
Do something!
13
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,840
He's stealing British fish
and covering us in beurre blanc.
14
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:43,120
Poor scallops
ain't seen ketchup for days.
15
00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:46,280
What?! Come on, Macron,
you madeleine-muncher!
16
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,800
Bring it, you Bond-loving booby!
17
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,040
Welcome to Scallop Game!
18
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:57,640
Your dispute will be resolved
in a manner that befits it,
19
00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,080
by playing children's games!
20
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,040
Sweet! Boris will smash this!
21
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,160
Rock, paper, scissors.
22
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,400
Begin!
23
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,400
One, two...
Un, deux...
24
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,840
Ha! I win!
25
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,120
MACRON GROANS
26
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:13,440
Next, Honeycomb Challenge!
27
00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:16,640
Using a pin, you must carefully
carve out the shape.
28
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,680
BORIS BELCHES
29
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:20,440
He's eaten mine too!
30
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:21,840
BORIS GROANS
31
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,560
Look, we're just going
round and round.
32
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,560
Shouldn't someone
at least get killed?
33
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:26,600
This is well dodgy.
34
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,800
It's like this muppet wants
this tear-up to go on forever.
35
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:31,760
An endless war about fish?!
36
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:33,560
What kind of monster
would want that?
37
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:39,280
BORIS GASPS
Captain Birds Thigh!
38
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,520
Yar! 'Tis I.
39
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:45,960
All I care about
is keeping fish in the news.
40
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:50,800
So I be afraid ye'll be
warring here forever! Ha-ha!
41
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,400
Oh, come...
42
00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,040
Well, this is a dystopian nightmare.
43
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:59,720
Still, it beats a seminar at COP26.
Be lucky!
44
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:02,440
Harry Kane,
your manager sacked by Spurs.
45
00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:05,480
A good decision? Yeah. Well,
it's a shame it didn't work out.
46
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:08,280
I wish all the best
to Nuno Espirito Santo
47
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,120
and his assistants,
Rui Barbosa and Antonio Dias.
48
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,800
But the thing
about all those guys,
49
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,200
and by guys,
I mean Nuno Espirito Santo,
50
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,920
Rui Barbosa and Antonio Dias,
is that they were all outstanding.
51
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:19,960
Are they up there
52
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:22,160
with Salvador Santiago San Sebastian
from Seville?
53
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,960
Now you're just taking
the piss, mate.
54
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,640
Oh!
55
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,400
FIREWORKS CRACKLE
56
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,760
It's the worst time of year,
Aneurin.
57
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,920
Not a general election already,
Sir Keir?
58
00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:34,960
OK, the second worst time of year -
Bonfire Night.
59
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,640
Fireworks are entertaining, flashy,
and the public loves them.
60
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,920
Yes. Everything I stand against
as leader of the Labour Party.
61
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:45,120
I'm sure it's just some silly boys.
Shall I chase them off?
62
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:48,440
No, there may well be
unregulated incendiaries out there.
63
00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:53,080
I can't ask you to take such a risk.
This is a job for Foxman!
64
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,600
FANFARE
65
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:55,960
This one next.
66
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,320
Hello, young people of Britain!
67
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,320
Eurgh! What is that weird smell?
68
00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:03,360
It's mink oil,
adds flair to the tail.
69
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,480
Now, let's have a look in that box.
70
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:08,120
Sparklers, Catherine wheels,
Roman candles!
71
00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:10,960
It's an Aladdin's cave
of unregulated seasonal fun.
72
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,720
Were these purchased
from a licensed firework retailer
73
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,120
between the 15th of October
and the 10th of November,
74
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,200
or three days before Diwali?
75
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,600
What if they weren't?
76
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,840
Then you'll be sat in front
of a royal commission
77
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,000
at some point in the next
five-to-seven years...
78
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,800
Oh, back off, sweatsocks!
79
00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,360
FANFARE
80
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,640
Viral!
You've decided to join forces
81
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,800
to end the tyranny
of light-touch regulation!
82
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,360
I fucking haven't.
I've come here to party.
83
00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:35,800
Fun with regular people,
84
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,680
that's the way to be
a Labour Party superhero.
85
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:40,600
FIREWORK BANGS,
FOXMAN HOWLS
86
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,800
Gordon Brown's glass eye,
I wish they wouldn't do that!
87
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,400
What, this?
SHE CHUCKLES
88
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,880
Please stop that!
89
00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:48,800
BANG,
SHE LAUGHS
90
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:52,520
OK, now it's time for the Foxman
to seek his traditional sanctuary.
91
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,440
CLATTERING
92
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,400
Hiding in a bin
from the threat of conflict.
93
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,880
In no way
a metaphor for the Labour Party.
94
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,240
BANG,
FOXMAN YELPS
95
00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,720
Greetings, fellow humans.
96
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,000
We are changing our company name
to Meta.
97
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,120
We're so excited
about this new name,
98
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,640
and so eager to make you
forget the old one,
99
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:18,320
that all of our users will now get
a powerful electric shock
100
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:19,600
if you say "Facebook".
101
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,160
FIZZING,
RESTRAINED SQUEAL
102
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,640
Wow!
I can't feel my face.
103
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,080
FIZZING,
MUFFLED SCREAM
104
00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:26,840
OK, it's a little buggy.
105
00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,040
FIZZING,
RESTRAINED SQUEAL
106
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,760
OK, it's very buggy.
107
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,640
In addition,
I'm also renaming myself.
108
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,880
That way, I don't have to accept
congressional subpoenas
109
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,120
or search warrants.
110
00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,360
My new name was picked
by an algorithm
111
00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:42,440
and I'm seeing it
for the first time.
112
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,400
Stinky Pee Pee Pants.
113
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,160
Well, you've gotta trust
the algorithm.
114
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,320
Finally, to make sure
no-one comes after me
115
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,760
using my old name,
I have a trained lion.
116
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:53,880
LOW GROWL
117
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:57,320
He will attack anyone
who says "Mark Zuckerberg".
118
00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:58,480
ROARING
119
00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,760
Please! Not my face!
120
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:01,800
FIZZING,
HE GROANS
121
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,440
HE SCREAMS,
LION GROWLS
122
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:04,560
CLOCK CHIMES
123
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,480
I appreciate this private audience,
Your Holiness.
124
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:09,440
The bishops back home
are a little steamed at me
125
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:11,040
because I'm pro-choice.
126
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:14,920
President Joe,
I know you are a good Catholic.
127
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:18,360
Well, thanks.
And thanks for the souvenir hat.
128
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,200
Now, if I could just
get your blessing. Sure.
129
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,360
Nice one, Joe!
130
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,120
Er, I don't think that counts.
131
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,480
Hm? OK. How about this?
132
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,280
HE BEATBOXES MACARENA BEAT
133
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:30,680
That's the Macarena.
134
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:31,760
Fine! Fine!
135
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,720
Nuno Espirito Santos!
136
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,920
Great, man.
God love ya.
137
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,760
Cross the fingers,
it doesn't count anyway!
138
00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:39,520
You're going to burn in Hell.
139
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,360
Back to business.
140
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,320
Bad Cardinal Marcello!
141
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,480
Hyah!
MARCELLO YELPS
142
00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:45,720
Hyah!
WHIP CRACKS
143
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:46,760
MARCELLO YELPS
144
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,280
Yah!
MARCELLO SCREAMS
145
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:52,640
First Minister,
COP26 was meant to showcase Glasgow,
146
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,360
but all anyone's talking about
are the giant rats.
147
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,400
How many times have I told you?
148
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,000
SHE GRUNTS,
HE GROANS
149
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,960
There are no rats in Glasgow!
150
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,160
RAT CHITTERS
151
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:06,560
That's not a rat,
it's a Glasgow bonnet.
152
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,400
RAT CHITTERS,
FOOTSTEPS RECEDE
153
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,920
They're breeding in the rubbish
on the streets
154
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,360
because the binmen are on strike!
155
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,320
You've got to meet with the union.
156
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,760
Never use the "U" word in here!
157
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:18,000
HE GROANS
158
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,480
I'll solve your rat problem.
159
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,400
SHE SCOFFS
Alex Salmond!
160
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:24,040
Trying to worm your way
back into Scottish politics.
161
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,480
Still, I guess
it's a green solution.
162
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,080
Have at it!
Right, come here, you wee bastard!
163
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,800
RAT GRUNTS
164
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:31,880
Wait! Wait!
165
00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:34,680
We should be on the same side.
We should?
166
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:38,720
Aye. We're both disruptors
who lead street-based movements.
167
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,160
And we both have fleas.
168
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,560
Can an ogre and a rat
really work together?
169
00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:47,120
You've seen my Russia Today show,
I'll get in the sewer with anybody.
170
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:48,720
Then we have an alliance.
171
00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:52,440
BAGPIPES PLAY
172
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:53,720
Alec, are you done?
173
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,880
SLURPING,
HE BELCHES
174
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,240
Aye.
175
00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,760
That's politics!
176
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:03,400
FLAMENCO GUITAR
177
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,840
Look at my little orange babies.
178
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,960
Fattening up beautifully for...
179
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:12,360
# Thanksgiving! #
180
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,520
Yes, they're gorgeous.
181
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:15,600
SHE GASPS
182
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,280
So carvable.
183
00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:19,520
I'd cut it here and here.
184
00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,680
Don't touch Lars,
he's a rescue pumpkin.
185
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,960
Oprah, I really admire you.
186
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:25,280
You're adored, influential,
187
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:28,280
the kind of American icon
I'd love to be.
188
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,880
If only you weren't in the way.
189
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:31,920
What?!
190
00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:35,400
Oh, vegetables,
their lives are so short.
191
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,280
If only you had more
precious time for them,
192
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,640
instead of doing that big interview
with Kamala Harris!
193
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,120
Let me help you.
194
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,640
Give me the Kamala interview.
195
00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:45,240
You know I can do it.
196
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:46,280
SHE CHUCKLES
197
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:50,240
Oh, honey,
there can only be one Oprah.
198
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,200
Still, what do gardeners say?
199
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:56,640
Cut off the old rot
to make way for fresh growth!
200
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,000
OPRAH GASPS
201
00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,160
Argh!
202
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,320
I'm covered in zucchini juice!
203
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:02,760
Ping you later!
204
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,000
THUNDER CLAPS
205
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,040
APPLAUSE
206
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,560
And so, we're delighted
to induct the Foo Fighters
207
00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:10,720
into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame.
208
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,560
Right, Sir Paul?
209
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,200
Oh, yeah,
they're a great little band.
210
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,080
Dave Grohl - he sings, he drums.
211
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,120
Actually, me and John
came up with that idea
212
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:19,720
on the bus to the Cavern Club.
213
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:23,800
"Let's have a singing Ringo,"
I said, and John said, "Cool."
214
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:27,240
OK. Our next inductee is Jay-Z.
215
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,360
CHEERING
216
00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,720
Not a lot of people know,
but I invented rap in Hamburg.
217
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,840
The power went out,
so we couldn't play.
218
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,760
John wanted to get high,
but I said,
219
00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,560
"Hey, let's just read the lyrics."
220
00:08:36,560 --> 00:08:38,840
Brian Epstein said, "Cool."
221
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,040
Great story.
222
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,040
But maybe we should
get off the stage
223
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,280
and let the inductees
have their moment.
224
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:47,280
You know, I invented
staying on the stage too long.
225
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,160
Have you heard Hey Jude?
226
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,480
# Na, na-na na-na-na-na. #
227
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,200
They told me I might need this.
228
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,720
THUD,
PAUL GROANS WEAKLY
229
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,600
You know,
I invented the cut to black.
230
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:00,880
Hello, Emma.
Piers Morgan.
231
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,200
If I'd known this was your show,
I would never have come.
232
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,680
Wait! I know you think of me
as the man who says...
233
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:08,560
MEGAPHONE ECHOES WITH FEEDBACK:
"Stop moaning, you snowflake!"
234
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,280
But that's not the real me.
No-one can be that horrendous.
235
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,440
But you called me a pathetic loser.
236
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:14,880
That was just a front,
237
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,520
to hide the fact that I'm actually
the head of a secret service
238
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,360
called The Queensman.
SHE GASPS
239
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,880
Jurgen Klopp, Adele, Joe Wicks,
240
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:25,320
elite agents using their special
skills and positive mental energy
241
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,480
to protect this nation.
Do you need a tennis player?
242
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,680
There's a terrorist plot at
Wimbledon and you're our only hope.
243
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,680
Do you think I can handle it?
Don't worry,
244
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,560
in The Queensman,
job two is protecting the people.
245
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,160
Job one is protecting
your mental health. I'll do it!
246
00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:39,200
Great!
247
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,520
Now, I have to go back undercover.
248
00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:44,240
MEGAPHONE ECHOES WITH FEEDBACK:
"You lazy snowflake!"
249
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,720
So I told Phil,
250
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:49,240
a PhD does not make you
a licensed medical doctor.
251
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,360
Stop prescribing doctor pills!
252
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,120
HE GASPS
Oprah! Oprah!
253
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:54,440
The pumpkins!
254
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,440
They're gone!
255
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,760
SHE SCREAMS
256
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:03,920
And some kind of child
wrote a ransom note.
257
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,680
Wait a minute.
258
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:07,640
Pumpkin babies, hold on!
259
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,360
Mama's comin'.
260
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,040
OPRAH GRUNTS
261
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,480
Run along, old Oprah.
262
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,960
New Oprah's got an interview to do.
263
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:23,280
I'm beautiful!
264
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,640
PIERS MORGAN: 'Emma, have you
found the terrorist yet?'
265
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:28,080
Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!
266
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,600
That's the last of them, Piers.
267
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,960
Well done, Emma.
How are you feeling?
268
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,480
Positive and self-approving?
269
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:37,040
Yeah, but there's a bomb
in that sports bag.
270
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:41,480
Careful, that's enough explosive
to destroy South West London!
271
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:42,520
Ha-ha!
272
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:43,880
And the stress of disarming it
273
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,400
could harm your
positive mental outlook.
274
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,360
Which wire do I cut,
the red or the blue?
275
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,080
Are you feeling anxious, Emma?
276
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,320
Well, obviously a little.
277
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:54,160
That does it,
I'm scrubbing the mission.
278
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,240
Your mental health
is the only thing that matters.
279
00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,400
I'm remotely activating
your super air-spring tennis shoes.
280
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,680
BOING
Whoa!
281
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:05,360
Right, back undercover.
282
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:06,920
Wimbledon, totally obliterated.
283
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,840
And all because
some bloody snowflake
284
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,280
couldn't handle the pressure!
285
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,200
What's the matter
with young people today?
286
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,320
PIERS GROANS
287
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,760
I did it for our country's
mental health.
288
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,400
You bloody fuckwit!
289
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,880
Hey, everyone, it's me, The Rock.
290
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:25,120
Whether I'm deciding which Disney
ride I'll make a movie out of next,
291
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,960
or contemplating a run
for President,
292
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:31,320
nothing helps me relax like a glass
of my delicious Whatamana tequila.
293
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,520
Don't forget me, Lil Nas X.
294
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,160
I like it too.
It's flamboyant like me!
295
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:40,760
CHUCKLES
I like your style, Lil Nas X!
296
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:42,880
Hey, what's he doing in MY pocket?
297
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,680
Now, Kevin, you're still my buddy,
298
00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,720
but it's good for my image
to branch out,
299
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,800
do movies with other kinds
of lil guys.
300
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,320
Movies with other guys?!
Get out of there!
301
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:54,400
Hey, hey, hey, stop!
302
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,400
You don't have a problem with me
because I'm flamboyant, do you?
303
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,640
No, no...
Don't read my old tweets.
304
00:11:59,640 --> 00:12:01,280
Hey. You know what would be fun?
305
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,200
If you were both trapped together
under a big glass jar.
306
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,400
No, no, no, don't you jar me!
307
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,640
I like it! Let's dance!
308
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:11,360
I love a captive audience.
309
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:14,600
KEVIN WAILS,
NAS WHOOPS
310
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:19,200
Kamala, as the first female
Vice President of colour,
311
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,440
how did my treatment by the royals
make you feel?
312
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,800
I still don't understand
why Oprah's not here.
313
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,400
Was it my terrible Vogue cover?
314
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,680
I told you,
Oprah slipped on a bar of soap.
315
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:30,560
You said she was bitten
by a raccoon.
316
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,200
She showers with raccoons!
317
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,400
DOOR OPENS
318
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,440
Markle,
step away from the interviewee!
319
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,920
Sorry, Megs,
I just couldn't be cruel
320
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:42,320
to those orange pumpkins. I can't
commit ginger-on-ginger crime!
321
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,480
But this is my authentic purpose!
322
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,360
I'm getting impatient!
323
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,240
Stay back, or I'll shoot!
324
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:52,600
Keep talking. I'm empathising.
325
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,320
FEEBLE TRICKLE
326
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,680
This thing's not even on.
327
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,440
Let's just go home, Megs.
328
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:02,200
Gardening is dumb. I'm so tired.
329
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:06,920
Want me to prosecute?
I lo-o-o-ove to prosecute.
330
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,480
MANIC LAUGH
331
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,560
I think she got it
out of her system.
332
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,040
It's gonna be OK.
333
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,680
My little ones, all safe again.
334
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:19,280
Wait... where's Baby Darryl?
335
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:23,600
Look, Harry, we have a new baby.
336
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,920
EVIL LAUGH,
THUNDERCLAP
337
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,560
BIG BEN CHIMES
338
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,240
Tim Davie, it's been a year
339
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,480
since I got you appointed
Director General of the BBC,
340
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,080
and I'm bloody glad I did.
341
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,680
You're completely independent,
completely impartial.
342
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,160
I love you, Boris!
343
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,320
BARKS, SLOBBERS
344
00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:45,440
Good boy, good Timmy.
Have a Timmy treat.
345
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:47,880
What a year you've had!
346
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:51,200
Who got rid of that awful
lefty Mash Report for Daddy?
347
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,640
Timmy did! Timmy did!
348
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:55,320
And who's going to make sure Daddy
gets re-elected
349
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:56,520
in three years' time?
350
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,360
Timmy will! Timmy will!
351
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:02,120
But who's still employing that woke
big-eared foghorn, Gary Lineker?
352
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,480
WHINES
Timmy is.
353
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,880
Bad Timmy!
TIMMY YELPS
354
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,320
Oh, I can't stay angry with you
for long.
355
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,440
Now, who's going to show Daddy
how to lick his own balls?
356
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:12,960
Me, me, me!
357
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:14,760
SLOBBERS
Good Timmy!
358
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:17,920
Great job on the campaign poster,
Mitch.
359
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,360
Our voters will appreciate
the subtlety.
360
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,960
If they can see it
through their cataracts, Mike.
361
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,720
Let's face it, for some reason,
362
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,880
young people don't wanna join
the Grand Old Party.
363
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,320
Could be the name.
364
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,120
What if we call it
the Groovy Old Party?
365
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:36,360
Or the Gay Old Party?
You know, the happy kind of gay.
366
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:38,440
No. I brought in a consultant.
367
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,200
Someone with his finger
on the pulse of Gen-Z.
368
00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,160
What's up, my dawgs?
369
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,240
Whoa! Slow down, hep cat.
370
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,160
What we need
is an influencer "hype house".
371
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:54,480
We put our rising Republican stars
together in one crazy compound,
372
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,120
to crank out "hot fire soash meeds"
on TikTok and Instagram.
373
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,600
Check it out.
374
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:04,240
Hey, Hype House hoes!
Was that offensive?
375
00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,040
Sorry, snowflakes.
376
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:09,400
We're comin' to you
with the freshest GOP content.
377
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,760
And having the one thing Demo-craps
can't cancel...
378
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:14,840
fun!
379
00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:18,680
Uh-oh.
Someone's been partying too hard.
380
00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:21,640
FOGHORN
381
00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:24,000
Wake up and stop the steal!
382
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,920
'And then this happened...'
383
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:29,840
I'm Hillary Clinton! I did Benghazi!
384
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,160
I eat babies in a pizzeria!
385
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,000
'And then this happened...'
386
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,000
Hey, that's my milk!
387
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,240
Gun rights!
388
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,800
'Bang. Bang-Bang.'
389
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,080
No!
CANNED LAUGHTER
390
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,080
We already have eight views!
391
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,080
Although half of them are us.
392
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:50,120
Oh, God. Are those idiots really
the future of the Republican party?
393
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:52,200
Hyah!
394
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:53,840
You got a problem with that?
395
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:55,240
No.
396
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,400
GIULIANI FARTS
397
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,920
Oi, hurry up!
We'll miss the first speaker.
398
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,040
Why'd you wanna come
to a climate change conference?
399
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,400
It's so depressing.
Yeah, it's great!
400
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:06,680
My new fella's so perfect,
401
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,800
I need something tragic
to get me next album started!
402
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,040
Check it out.
403
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:15,440
# Polar bears are gonna die... #
404
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,880
VOCALISES
405
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,920
Bit bleak, love. How about I just
get your boyfriend to cheat on you?
406
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,840
Oh! Yeah, nice! Prosecco? Ha!
407
00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,680
CACKLES
What am I like?!
408
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,080
"Searching for a wet wipe,
409
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,920
"wondering who else had just given
a hand job in a confessional,
410
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,120
"Indiana Jones was having
quite the day."
411
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,640
The key to writing a blockbuster
adventure movie
412
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,440
is to Fleabag the fuck out of it.
413
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,440
Deploy the unexpected.
414
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,280
Like a premature ejaculation,
or Olivia Colman.
415
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,120
Oh. I'm here now, am I?
416
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:57,080
Actually, not Olivia Colman,
because she's in everything.
417
00:16:58,240 --> 00:16:59,400
Ooh, gosh!
418
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,600
I'm Phoebe Waller-Bridge,
and this is my masterclass.
419
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:06,760
"Now," said Indiana Jones,
"who wants to shag me up the arse?"
420
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:13,600
Mr President, the new
British ambassador to Moscow...
421
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,240
Tom Daley.
422
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,360
Hiya!
423
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:19,160
Oh, if it isn't
Mr Boing-Boing-Splash.
424
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,920
We need to talk...
about men who knit.
425
00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:23,560
We do?
Yes!
426
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,480
You're not respecting the rights
of male knitters like myself.
427
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:30,840
In fact, you're repressing
the entire KCNQ community.
428
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,680
KCNQ...?
429
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,920
Knitting, crochet,
needlepoint, and quilting.
430
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:38,240
Look, we are not saying men
cannot knit.
431
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,360
We are saying Russia is different
from decadent West.
432
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:44,600
We have our own craft traditions.
Like nesting dolls.
433
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:47,480
You mean,
little men going inside big men?
434
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,040
Never thought of it that way.
435
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,720
No more nesting dolls either!
436
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,640
But what's wrong with knitting?
You're wearing a pullover.
437
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,760
It really suits you.
You think?
438
00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,600
Brings out the colour of your eyes.
Makes you look strong.
439
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:03,000
You think it makes me look manly?
440
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,640
Absolutely.
441
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:08,160
Manliness is very important.
442
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,360
OK, from now on,
we allow male knitting!
443
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,440
To seal the deal,
444
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:17,040
let's wrestle naked
in front of a roaring log fire!
445
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,840
Erm... actually, I've got
a diving competition to get to.
446
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:24,960
Also, maybe the President of Russia
wrestling naked with Tom Daley
447
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,840
in front of a roaring log fire
would send out confusing message?
448
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,200
Bah! I like naked wrestling!
449
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,080
TOM WHIMPERS
450
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,480
OK, steady on. Hands to yourself.
451
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,120
Stop it! Vlad!
452
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:47,880
Hurry up, Hot Flash!
453
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,680
Professor Doom is crossing
the trans-dimensional rift!
454
00:18:50,680 --> 00:18:52,080
I hope they widened it,
455
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,280
because he's really put on
some pounds.
456
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:00,000
We can't hold off Professor Doom
much longer.
457
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,680
Mom? What's going on?
458
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,080
Melody?
But you and Ryan eloped to Belize.
459
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,120
EXPLOSION
460
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:07,200
I was wrong.
461
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:10,000
I wanna get married in
the most beautiful place on earth.
462
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,440
This kitchen.
463
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:17,280
Well, let's not get "ahead"
of ourselves!
464
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,680
As usual, your timing is appalling,
Professor Doom.
465
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,440
I had to tell Melody...
I am her father.
466
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,000
Mom?!
467
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,520
I was a free spirit.
468
00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:33,320
And now, Hot Flash,
will you marry me?!
469
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,160
Well, we've got enough
hors d'oeuvres. Oh!
470
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,560
TUNE: 'Take A Chance On Me'
471
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:41,240
# I'm gonna marry Doom
In my favourite room... #
472
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,640
Hello, TikTok!
473
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,520
You may have heard
that famous British schools
474
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,400
have been making deals
to get money from China.
475
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,960
But don't worry,
there is no catch.
476
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,200
Good news!
477
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,800
One school now has four Communist
Party members on the board!
478
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,320
Not now, Qian!
Oh!
479
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:08,800
Anyway, kids, here's a fun dance
called Schoolhouse-Tok
480
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,920
to help you fit
into your new school.
481
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:15,160
# Welcome to our school
Now do a disco move
482
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:18,160
# You won't learn anything
That isn't Xi Jinping-approved
483
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,720
# Xi Jinping-approved
484
00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:22,960
# The classes are so fun
The canteen will make you grin
485
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,720
# Have a wet market lunch
Of bat and pangolin
486
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,880
# Pangolin
487
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:31,000
# Take out your phone
And wave it in the air
488
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,440
# So we can fill it up
With surveillance software
489
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:37,440
# Google is forbidden
Obedience is great
490
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,560
# Everybody point left
And denounce your schoolmate
491
00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:43,680
# Schoolhouse-Tok is fun
But if you can't relate
492
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:47,840
# We have a special campus
Where you can... concentrate
493
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:53,400
# Concentra-a-ate. #
494
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,240
I hope you liked our
Schoolhouse-Tok.
495
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:58,600
And don't worry if you're not
in our school district.
496
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,320
THREATENING: You will be.
497
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,240
FIREWORKS CRACKLE
498
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:04,600
Who's ready for a rocket?
499
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,600
But, Dad,
isn't setting off fireworks
500
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,360
a signal that drugs are for sale?
501
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:10,760
Don't be daft, love!
That's just an urban myth.
502
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,160
FIREWORKS EXPLODE
503
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,360
IMITATES DANCE BEAT
504
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:17,680
I got your message.
I'll take whatever you've got.
505
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:21,120
Beans, Charlie,
bit of dinky-do to "level me up".
506
00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:22,720
What's in the box?
507
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,040
It's a Roman candle.
508
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,440
Is that slang for cocaine?
509
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,120
Get lost.
510
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,880
FIREWORKS EXPLODE
511
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,680
Ooh! Unh-unh! They might have ket.
512
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,440
IMITATES DANCE BEAT
513
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,080
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
514
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,920
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
515
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:44,320
# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh
516
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:47,680
# Oh-oh-oh-oh
517
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,720
# Ah-ah-ah-ah
518
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:53,760
# Ah-ah-ah-ah
519
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:55,680
# Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah
520
00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,400
# Oh-ah! #
521
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,440
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