Original subtitles

Welcome to Spitting Image.

I'm David Attenborough. At this time of year,

many programmes present Halloween episodes,

full of frights and horrors.

But, in the past few years, we've seen such genuine horror

that we've decided to do an episode called "Mellow-een".

No tricks, all treats.

Just relaxing vistas of our animal friends,

like these gentle mole rats.

LION ROARS, MOLE RATS LAUGH

DAVID CRIES IN PAIN To hell with your "Mellow-een"!

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

SIRENS WAIL

DOOR BELL RINGS Trick or treat!

All right, kids? I've got a right treat for you.

Track off me new album!

SOMBRE PIANO TUNE # I'm 30 now

# Whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh... #

VOCALISING INTENSIFIES

Fuck off, Adele! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Stop it! I'm 30 now!

BIG BEN CHIMES 'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'

MR SPEAKER: And now the Chancellor Rishi Sunak

will deliver his Autumn Budget.

Ha! Massive debt, prices soaring.

I'd like to see how he gets out of this one.

Thank you, Mr Speaker.

TO TUNE OF 'I'M TOO SEXY': # I'm too dishy for this case

# Just check my dishy face

# They call me Dishy Rishi

# I'm so dishy I can say what I like

# Unfreeze your wages But at a tax hike

# Here's lots of money For the North East

# Check out my tushie I'm a sexy beast

# I'm too dishy for this job

# Much better than this slob

# Don't you want me as your leader?

# My face is so ethereal

# Prime-ministerial

# So vote for Dishy Rishi! #

WHOOPING, SHOUTS OF APPROVAL

I commend this budget to this house and thank you for the knickers.

Those were mine!

Dammit. He is dishy.

I need something to make me look good.

MR SPEAKER: And now the response from Keir Starmer.

Bingo.

Don't worry, Jess. I can do sexy too.

That's right. I've loosened my tie.

Ah! What have I done? I'm practically naked!

Is anyone throwing anything? Yeah. Huh!

Oh! I think that's cured my COVID. THUNK

Jurgen Klopp, a 5-0 win for your Liverpool side here at Old Trafford.

You must be delighted. Yes. Fantastic.

Amazing! Ha-ha!

Still, tough for the Manchester United fans.

But I am thinking it is also positive for them.

No-one has a sore throat from cheering, and many left early,

meaning more quality time with their families.

Fantastic! Amazing!

MAN: Fuck off, Klopp!

CROWD ROARS, CLATTERING

And now the fans are getting exercise throwing things! Wow!

Oh!

Oh, my God. That was a bottle of piss!

And it's so clear. Ha!

Congratulations on being so hydrated!

Fantastic! HE GROANS

MENACING ORGAN MUSIC, THUNDER CRACKS

EVIL LAUGHTER

Welcome, everyone, to Halloween!

The spooky night where horrible, dead-eyed monsters walk amongst us.

Hi, everyone! I'm here. Amazing!

Oh, that's original (!) He came in his Cats costume!

I can't get it off. Can someone help me?

SHE SCREAMS What's so terrifying?

No coverage! My Insta-live is...

SHE GASPS ..buffering!

HE MOCK-GASPS That's right!

No Wi-Fi. No phones! You're here to enjoy ME.

Now, who wants to hear a song...

ALL CLAMOUR EXCITEDLY

..from my new album?

THEY GROAN Don't you groan at me!

THUNDER RUMBLES

KNIFE WHOOSHES, SOMEONE YELPS

Someone has killed James Corden!

Is he definitely dead? Let's make sure.

ADELE GRUNTS, JAMES YELPS

Ugh! Meow!

Now he's definitely dead.

Dear God. He's been murdered!

We should call the police. Or a vet?

We can't. No phone!

RATTLING, SHE SCREAMS

I've just tried the door - we've been locked in!

I-It won't open, no matter how hard I dance.

Ooh! Ooh, yeah! I'm dancin'! Ooh, yeah! Huh, huh!

So we're trapped in this fuckin' party with a serial killer?!

What makes you say "serial killer"?

Cos some knob has parked his hatchet in my back.

STRAINED: Oh! I'll say... hello... from the other... side!

LOW: # Whoa, whoa. # SHE GRUNTS

EXAGGERATED SOUTHERN ACCENT: Looks like we, uh...

have us a mystery. AMERICAN ACCENT: Yes.

NORMAL VOICE: What the hell is that accent?!

THUNDER CRACKS

Welcome to the CNN Presidential Town Hall.

Faced with plummeting approval ratings,

tonight, President Biden takes questions from you, the people.

Look, folks, here's the deal.

We're gonna build back better. It's no joke.

President Biden, COVID is still a terrible problem.

What are you doing about it?

Here's the deal. We're gonna build back better.

Look, folks, it's no joke.

I-I lost my job in the pandemic, my house burned down in a wildfire,

and I'm concerned about inflation!

Look, it's no joke. Here's the deal, folks.

We're gonna build back better.

Now there's a lion.

LION ROARS As Americans, what do we do?

We're gonna build back better. Look, here's the deal.

It's no joke, folks.

LION SNARLS, BIDEN GROANS

Tough questioning from the lion,

but that's what's great about America's face-to-face democracy.

Finally, a chance to address

the most pressing question facing the planet...

can I score some Hamilton tickets from Joe Biden?

Ha! Typical Tory.

This conference is about something far bigger...

showcasing my leadership of Scotland!

Don't you try to steal the limelight!

Glasgow kiss! SHE GRUNTS

Hey, Macron!

If you let independent Scotland into the European Union,

you can enjoy our tasty Caledonian cuisine.

Like this! 'Aggis?

I am not interested in a bag of guts stuffed with offal and oats.

Wha'?! Bloody frog. Shove a scallop in it!

Well said, Haggis. Standing up for Scotland.

Get tae Falkirk, Alex Salmond! I'm the voice of Scotland.

Mm! Oh! Ma nut!

Shame on you all. Apologies, Your Highness.

This is a climate change conference.

We're here to teach the world one thing...

what a jolly good king I'll be!

Caring, informed and, yes, hands-on.

Christ, man! What's up with those giant tatty shovels?!

It's an affliction I have. They swell up whenever I travel

to climate conferences by private plane.

You came here by plane?

For shame! All of you, with your own selfish agendas.

You've forgotten the one reason we are here. Hit it!

# Never going to let you go

# Never going to tell you no

# Never going to be a clown And hurt you! #

She Rick-rolled us!

What a great, self-empowered young woman. Heh, ho, heh...

Mr Javid, with COVID cases rising,

there's been talk of Plan A and Plan B.

As Health Secretary, do you even know what these plans are?

I assure you, the data is being closely monitored

and analysed by a hand-picked government team

in whom I have the highest confidence.

MONKEYS CHATTERING

THEY SCREAM

BUTTONS BUZZ

But is there any kind of independent oversight?

Oh, yes. We found someone from the private sector.

SCREAMING

THUNDER CRACKS

Oh, this is a nightmare!

In the last 15 minutes,

the killer has decapitated Macaulay Culkin,

disembowelled Russell Brand

and run Gordon Ramsay through a blender!

Oh! I thought it was a strawberry daiquiri.

Bleurgh! WAILING: Oh, God!

Stop barfing, David! DAVID WHELPS

Oh!

THUNDER RUMBLES, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

Oh, no. Someone's killed Beyonce!

STRAINED: # Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh Oh, no, no... #

THUD To solve this, we must thee-ink!

LION ROARS Now, a murder is like a doughnut.

ELLEN GROANS The sugar is like a knife,

and the sprinkles are the evidence.

But what is the jelly?

Answer that, and the truth, like the knives, will out.

While you were blathering on, we lost Ellen AND Taylor!

And Ed Sheeran has had a fiddle shoved up his Galway girl.

DOOR CREAKS

Oh, fuck a duck!

Oh, it's a nightmare, Vanessa!

Thanks to COVID, teenagers have got

an eight-month wait for their driving tests.

If only we had more trained examiners...

UGH! I'll give your kids their goddamn driving tests.

Tom Cruise?! But you're a huge movie star!

Why would you want to do this?

Because I had an autistic brother, Raymond,

who thought he was an excellent driver.

We went on a road trip, but I took advantage of him.

Now I need to show Raymond I'm sorry.

Wait, isn't that the plot of Rain Man?

I'm a Scientologist.

I have an E-meter to prove what's real!

Check your mirror. Stay right.

Right. Right!

No, I mean left! Left!

Watch that truck. Hit the brakes! HORN BLARES

Whaaaa!

ECHOING: I'm sorry, Raymond!

DUCKS QUACKING

Did I pass?

HAUNTING ORGAN MUSIC

I haven't been this scared since Tim Rice

showed me the lyrics to The Lion King!

It's down to us, the last three celebrities.

Well, two celebrities. Mwa-ha!

I'm well known as a film producer in my own right!

Uh-huuuuh?

Two frogs and a toad, alone in a bayou.

That means somethin' where I come from.

Where? Where do you come from?!

Well, don't you see? The murderer is...

DAVID SNARLS ..David!

Let him finish. Kindness of strangers...

Okra... Gumbo... Them Dukes... Argh!

THUNK You killed him!

I'm sorry, Elton. I killed all your friends.

But why?

I'm so tired of sharing you with celebrities!

I just want you all to myself. Is that such a crime?

DRAMATIC MUSIC

No, not really. Meet me upstairs.

Mu-ha-ha-ha!

DOOR CREAKS

This year, our nation has faced shortages in many vital commodities,

even though we have one of the largest

and most advanced economies in the world.

There are many causes, but one thing is certain.

ALL: # It's not because of Brexit It's not because of Brexit

# This is not our fault!

# There were queues At petrol stations

# And nothing on the shelves

# Fruit just left to rot

# And the trucks Won't drive themselves

# We'll call in the army Or, if not, a band of elves

# But you can't blame Brexit And our polls reflect it

# Not our fault! Not our fault!

# Can't sell clams?

# Not Brexit!

# Or butcher hams?

# Not Brexit!

# No microchips? # Not Brexit!

# No planks or bricks? # Not Brexit! #

Although I did find a plank.

GROGGILY: Building back better...

# We can pass our own laws Cos we've taken back control

# Make a trade deal with America If they'd return our calls

# Just don't say we did this To get rid of the Poles

# It's not because of Brexit Perhaps because of Megxit!

# Please show me the exit!

# Not our fault! Not our fault!

# Not our faul-l-l-lt. #

Well, that's the manifesto written.

How about lunch?

PIG GRUNTS AND SQUEALS On it.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Trick or treat!

Oh. It's Joe Wicks! My mum loves you.

All right, kids? I've got some sweets for you.

Awesome! Some sweet burpees!

And jumping jacks. Reverse lunges!

Positive, positive, positive. Energy, energy, energy!

BANG Agh!

BIG BEN CHIMES 'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'

Dominic, I'm thinking of making a move, and I want you on my side.

Boris has never been more vulnerable.

Prices are up, and so is his weight.

You know I love a back-stab as much as any Tory,

but Boris is protected by powerful forces -

dark forces that no-one understands.

That is why I am about to summon a diabolical creature from the past.

Barnard Castle... Barnard Castle...

Barnard Castle!

Mummy!

What mighty and powerful creature has summoned me?

Oh, it's you, Gove.

So, you've decided to let SOMETHING out of the closet.

Ahem, yes, well, anyway, it's time to rekindle our alliance

and finish the job we started.

Excellent. The country is ripe for conquest.

The power of your royal family is broken.

The ginger one is in exile, the Ancient Watcher has perished.

And your woke god, Gareth Southgate,

has been reduced to a confusing sex symbol.

Did someone say "confusing sex"?

GASPS

Cummings! Traitorious Maximus!

You sly, smirking, snitching snot-woggle!

So you HAVE missed me.

Well, yes, a little. Since you've been gone, I've had to do... work.

It didn't have to be this way.

One more mind-meld for old time's sake?

Dammit, Dom, why can't I quit you?

SPOOKY MUSIC

Yes, Cummings, clever Cummings, melt his brains, Cummings!

Step away from my husband!

Urgh! Princess Nut-Nut!

How dare you insult my current wife?!

It's not an insult! "Nut-Nut" is Epsilonian for "Super Girl-Boss".

He's right, Boris.

I am your protector, guardian and shield.

I'm right behind you, Dom! THUNDER RUMBLES

Threaten my wallpaper no longer, alien intruder!

Your sexual powers will not work on me!

Zow! Zow! Zow!

Can't... stop you. I must know the secret of your strength.

My secret?

I have not one, but two vaginas.

Behold!

Argh! Powerful vaginas!

This is the future the liberals want!

I banish you to the blogosphere,

where no-one will read you, except for other bloggers.

No-o-o-o-o-o!

Fine. But I warn you, I'm putting up a paywall.

Now, shall we look at some tile samples?

Ah, well, I was going to doddle off and talk to the Chancellor about...

Yah!

Ah! I'd love to.

I want to publicly apologise for some flirtatious emails

I sent in 2008.

I now realise that saying

"I'd like to install my fire-stick into your VGA port"

COULD be misinterpreted.

Also, the words "I'm ready to core-dump onto your user interface"

sound more ambiguous than I intended.

I am sorry. In the future,

I will choose my words carefully to avoid any possible confusion.

With that in mind, ladies, I am fully erect

and have been since the beginning of this apology.

This is the life.

Bow hunting on my Hawaiian compound

with two guys I paid to be my friends.

You said it, Z-man. You're the alpha dog.

I am, aren't I?

A man's man, and everyone should know it.

Can someone put some more insect spray on me?

CAN HISSES

Shall we corner you another out-of-shape pig to shoot?

It's good, but would that impress Hemingway or Liam Neeson?

We could ship in something harder to catch, maybe?

You mean like... an elite human athlete?

That's not exactly where I was going...

No, no, it's a great idea. Hmm, let's see...

Gentlemen. Your quite mysterious owner

bought me with the highest transfer fee ever paid,

but how can I lead you to victory if I am in a bamboo cage?

All will be explained in good time.

Now back away from the door.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

'What makes a man?

'The gravel in his voice?

'The stubble on his chin?

'No.

'What makes a man is the way he smells.'

SNIFFS

MOANS DREAMILY

THUD 'Pitt smells.

'The smell of Pitt. From Chanel.'

PANTS

Hunted for days without food or water...

and I still look fantastic!

Now, if only there were some tiny clean pants I could pose in.

ZUCKERBERG: Cristiano!

Stop running away so fast. This isn't how hunting works.

Should I release the hunting monkeys?

No. I just need a way to distract him for a moment.

Hmm... Got it!

The face... so perfect!

The chin... so strong!

The cheekbones... so high!

Your plan worked, Z-meister.

Now take the shot. I know I should.

But, somehow, when you get the world's most renowned soccer player

in your cross hairs, you start to think...

how graceful, how swift, how beautiful.

Have I come to respect my prey too much to kill it?

On the other hand, his head does look good on my wall.

On the plus side, now I will be young forever!

DOOR BELL RINGS Good evening, Mr President.

I know what you are!

# Heroes in a half-shell! #

One of those Ninja Turtles. I'm Mitch. McConnell!

Not now, man. I'm handing out candy. A free government hand-out?

Socialism in the White House?!

Hop On Pop by Dr Seuss.

What are you doing, man? I'm filibustering this doorway.

By reading a book that got cancelled.

"Pop, pop, pop, hop. Hop, hop on..."

Hey! They called a recess, and the cameras are off! Really?

Then I'm off to my terrarium for some lettuce and bugs.

I knew he was a turtle.

CROAKS

Ah. Acting is all about showing emotion.

The shared power of symbiosis is unstoppable.

I am Tom Hardy!

I will break you!

Now, that's a core principle.

GASPS By Jove!

Who are you creepy chappies?

ALL: Hello, Papa. We are your unacknowledged children.

Argh! The ghosts of my sex life! Bonkergeists!

What do you want? I'll do anything!

You must learn to be a proper father to us.

Well, not anything.

You leave us no choice.

We shall use our powers to control your mind.

SPOOKY MUSIC

I must block them out. I will think of a plate of sausages.

I MUST think of a plate of sausages.

Or boobs! Sausages.

Boobs.

Sausages!

Boobs!

Oh, it's no good. I'm defenceless.

I AM your father.

So... that's our dad's brain.

It's barely a brain at all. We could put ourselves in care?

Sausages! Boobs!

Sausages, boobs, bums!

BOTH: Sausages, boobs, bums! Sausages, boobs, bums!

Being a parent's rather fun.

BOTH: Sausages, boobs, bums!

COUGHING AND SNEEZING

Son! You've got COVID! You should be in bed.

I've gotta get this new song out.

I need to pay for underfloor heating in the new orangery.

Not the orangery again!

You've already got 15 conservatories.

Orangeries are different! SNEEZES

How are you gonna do a song when you're coughing and sneezing?

Easy.

COUGHS AND SNEEZES

Now, bit of auto-tune, slap on some Irish fiddle...

SAMPLED COUGHS AND SNEEZES

FIDDLE KICKS IN

Ah! The floor of this orangery is so warm!

The Emperor demands to know,

why are we not meeting our quotas of spice deliveries from Dune?

I don't know, Duke Paul. The spice harvest is low,

and there may be treachery in the Guild of Spacers.

Well, one thing is certain.

# It's not because of Brexit! #

Oh, sod off! BORIS GRUNTS

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

# Oh-ah oh-ah oh-ah

# Oh-ah! #

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com