Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

As part of our rebrand, we're promoting somebody from your team to

a senior creative position, somebody who embodies our core ethoses.

People are beginning to ask big questions about the way we live

and we as a company want to be asking those questions, too, like...

..what is it all about?

Why are we here on this earth, hey?

Does life have any real meaning?

So let's get back to the talking toilet.

ECHOING: Liam.

The question for you is what sort of future you want for yourself.

What ideas have we got? OK, how about "Go ahead,

"make my day by not throwing sweet wrappers down me"?

Or maybe "Nobody puts Baby..."

"wipes in a toilet."

Like from Dirty Dancing.

Liam?

Oh, movie quote? Yeah.

Movie quotes.

Um, well, how about...

"We are the hollow men."

"We are the stuffed men leaning together,"

"headpiece filled with straw. Alas..."

Is that from a film or...?

Well, it's in Apocalypse Now,

but it's actually a poem by TS Eliot.

I'm not sure people are going to know.

Also, it needs to be to do with toilets.

At the age of 17, my whole future was hanging in the balance.

Tasked with helping me navigate this life-defining moment was this guy.

You may remember him from some of my previous memories

as my English and media studies teacher, but now...

I've been promoted to head of sixth form.

Oh, yeah, a key trait of Dreyfus

in these memories is that he has a tremendous knack of...

..giving important information at the top of a scene.

So the school wants him to attend

a weekly Oxbridge session with me,

outside of class hours, initially focusing on his application,

which needs to be completed by the end of the month.

I hope that's clear, viewers.

There was one other student identified as being

a potential candidate, but they've already had

a nervous breakdown and had to re-sit the year.

So it's all down to Liam.

Have you decided which university you want to apply to?

Er, Cambridge.

What prompted that decision?

Liam?

Some er...

I was wondering which of the two unis you prefer,

based on those open days we went to.

Neither. Both seem exactly the same.

Er, I know it seems that way but actually they're not.

You see, the thing about Cambridge is it's just down

the A1(M), really, whereas with Oxford,

yeah, it's M1 but then it's...

A43,

M40...

..A34.

So you're saying that I should choose Cambridge

because it's less roads for you to drive?

It's an extra 25 minutes, Liam,

and I did you that favour persuading your mum

to let you look for a job.

Cambridge just seemed to have

a better intercollegiate atmosphere, didn't it, Liam?

If it seems like I'm insufficiently enthusiastic,

it's because this whole thing seemed to be standing in

the way of what I really wanted.

He keeps saying he wants to get a part-time job

so he can afford to go out with his mates

but I just think it'll be too much for him to take on,

especially now with all this extra work.

Actually. I'd say he should be all right.

If anything, it'd help him in the interview

to have something beyond the curriculum to talk about.

Well...

I just hope you know what you're taking on, Liam.

Because I'll be the one ordering new parts for

the pedal bin when it all goes wrong.

End of scene.

So the key thing in terms of tone is, hello?

Hello?

Hello, Horatio?

I'm not called Horatio.

Sorry? I was just saying I'm... I'm not called Horatio.

Sorry, Liam, just... I'm just talking to Horatio.

But... Yeah, I can hear you, Horatio.

Oh. So, guys, talk amongst yourselves.

Just need to briefly catch up with Horatio about

the non-alcoholic absinthe launch. Go on, Hor.

So, as I was saying earlier, we completed on Tuesday

and we're going to get the keys next week.

Yeah. I mean, there's still quite a bit of work needs doing.

Sorry - how did you afford it?

Um, I got a bonus for my work on the absinthe campaign.

Why?

Well, I came up with the name Absence

because of the absence of alcohol in the absinthe.

And now you own a house?

All right, Horatio.

Bye, Horatio, mate. Cheers.

Sorry, guys, just needed to catch up with Horatio.

He's a really annoying guy.

Shit, he's still on the call.

Sorry, sorry, Horatio, mate.

OK, so, toilet.

It was all well and good my parents saying I could have a job

but finding one when I could only do weekend shifts

was a different matter, as I explained to my dad.

It's all well and good you saying I can have a job

but finding one when I can only

do weekend shifts is a different matter.

Told ya.

You know, I seen an advert on the side of

the A1/M1 link road the other day near to junction 47...

Well, closer to junction 46.

What did it say, this advert?

Well, they're opening

a new leisure park, I suppose in conjunction with

the new business park, you know?

Anyway, this leisure park,

it's going to have a Harvester and a Travelodge,

a McDonald's,

a Play Land - I assume that's a sort of soft land,

soft play, you know, for kids...

Right.

And a Pizza Tent - you know, the famous pizza chain.

Right, and?

And the Pizza Tent's looking for jobs.

Oh, right.

I think they're going to have a Frankie & Benny's, as well.

A few days after applying at Pizza Tent,

I was offered a trial shift.

All right, word maggot?

Well, that's just what I want from an applicant, innit?

Face like a slapped arse. Lucy?

Craggy's sister.

Are you t'manager? Yeah. Why are you so surprised, you cheeky get?

I'll have you know I were t'waitress wi' t'best sales in

Briggate branch last financial quarter.

Right, let's get started on your trial shift, then.

Fuck me, where'd you get them shoes? Clarks?

Yeah.

Now just sprinkle some herbs on top if you can handle that.

Are you hungover or what?

Have you got the shakes or summat?

No, I'm just nervous, all right?

Did you just get me in here to humiliate me?

All right, mate, chill out, I'm only takin' t'piss.

I'm obviously going to give you t'job. Are you serious?

Yeah, you seem to understand all t'information

and you didn't piss or shit yourself and that's all I needed to see.

Start on Saturday, yeah?

Lucy was right. After just a couple of shifts,

I was already feeling at home in the role.

Yo, homie. Yo, homie. How's your week been?

I forgot about that -

a bit problematic, but the point is Lucy suddenly seemed like

a proper adult.

And more than that, the first person to treat me like

a proper adult, and I was enjoying myself -

so much so that it merits

a high-energy musical montage portraying physically demanding

wage labour as actually being fun.

MUSIC: Over And Over by Hot Chip

Wait, did I invent Salt Bae?

£13.20 - how is it so low?

Well, let's look at the maths.

You earn £3.30 an hour and you've worked four hours and...

Yeah, that's all the maths.

Here's some more maths for you.

£3.30 was minimum wage for under-18s at that time.

Today it's £4.81

but, to reflect inflation, that number should be at least £5.05.

Kids, you're getting screwed.

So, coming out in town tonight, then? Obviously not.

Hi, Toby.

How was your lunch, mate?

Er, fine, yeah, I had the sushi from downstairs.

Mmmmm...

..sushi.

Um, so I've actually been working on a few more ideas for

the cinema toilet.

Oh, great - do you want to email them to me?

Well, I've printed them off for you.

Oh, OK.

May the flush be with you.

I like that.

I don't drink your milkshake.

Oh, like from There Will Be Blood? Yeah. I like it.

Nice work on all this, bud - the client's going to be chuffed.

I was actually, er, wondering if I could arrange

a one-on-one with you, er, re-um-garding

the, er, senior creative position.

Sure. 10am tomorrow?

Great.

Horatio? Where the F are those PDFs?

Yo, homie. Yo, homie.

Um, I was wondering if

I could take on a few extra shifts.

Sorry, mate, I just really don't have any more evenings or weekends.

I've got daytimes, though -

could give you a shift on Wednesday

and, if that goes well, there'll definitely be more.

This was a cruel offering.

Working the Wednesday shift would've meant missing my first session

with Dreyfus - a crucial step in

the difficult process of applying to Cambridge.

Here's to your first day shift, mate.

Oh, yeah.

You all right, mate? What's up?

Oh, just everything. My parents want me to study all t'time,

teachers keep getting on my back,

they all want me to go fuckin' Cambridge.

And what do you want to do?

I just want to live my own fuckin' life. I'm not surprised, mate.

I'd hate it if a load of snobby gets were trying

to make me sell out

and go to some posh-ass uni I didn't even want to go to.

You should do what you want to do

and, like, I've given you a good opportunity

with this daytime shift.

There might be more if you want them

and there's a good chance of progression

for people who are committed.

Opportunities like that don't come along every day,

that's all I'm saying.

I told Dreyfus and my mum that I'd missed

the Oxbridge session out of nervousness,

and it was rearranged for the following week.

The next few days became a scramble

of trying to balance the increasing pressure of sixth form

with all the midweek shifts I'd taken on.

So that's, er, garlic bread,

large stuffed crust with extra Plotzensee?

No, pepperoni.

What? What did I say? I dunno.

What was the name of

the Berlin prison where around 3,000 people were executed by the Nazis?

Pepperoni.

What?

Where have you been?

School.

Oh. Funny, that, because I actually rang school earlier for an update.

And they said you've hardly been in any of your lessons this week

and now you've got a D in your history essay

for writing that the main method of coercion of

the Third Reich was garlic bread.

Look, I've just been going to the pub a lot, all right?

I've been drinking too much. I'll get a grip.

What's that smell on you? Nothing, just booze and fags.

It's cheese and tomato...

..and pepperoni. You've been working.

All right, yes, I have, and do you know what?

I regret nothing. Most parents would be proud.

Right. You're banned from working.

Why? Because you need to focus on sixth form

and, most importantly, you

need to complete that Cambridge application by Friday.

Why? So you can have a chance to go to Cambridge.

Why? So you can get a good job!

I have a job. I said a good job.

Not waiting on tables for the rest of your life.

Lucy's right - you are just a bunch of snobby gets.

New girlfriend, has he?

Something had to give.

I decided to do the mature thing and go

and tell lucy I could no longer do daytime shifts.

Yo, homie. Yo, homie.

I'm glad you're here,

I need to have a word with you about summat.

Mum, Dad.

I am now deputy manager of Pizza Tent.

What? Well, I took on board what you said about getting

a good job so... when t'offer came up, I couldn't say no.

I don't believe this.

It'll be full time, obviously, but I think this is more me than school.

I think I've outgrown school, to be honest.

You tell him, Simon. I don't have the energy left.

LIAM!

Tell him what?

TELL HIM HE CAN DO WHAT HE BLOODY WELL WANTS!

Er, your mum says you can do... Well, you heard her.

Manager already? That's brilliant, son.

Congratulations. Let's take you out to celebrate.

Listen, I know what you lot said about me not staying over no more

but I just...

I can't stay at me mam and dad's no longer.

Just for a couple of nights until I get mysen sorted.

I'm not sure that's a good idea, mate. Oh, why not?

Got to be up early. You ate all my potato smileys.

And you gave us dog away. I gave him to a rescue shelter.

The fuck? Why?

Because you lot weren't looking after him properly

and the fact he's been gone for weeks

and you haven't even noticed kind of proves my point.

Look, I were waiting for t'right moment to tell yous but...

..I'm deputy manager of Pizza Tent now.

I've got my first shift in t'morning so just let me stay here for a bit

and I'll give you all a totally free meal sometime.

Liam, I've asked Lucy for a free pizza every single day

for t'past three month and she ain't never gave me one slice.

Well, she ain't as generous as me, is she?

Don't you toy with me on this.

Look, lads, come in any time you want and I'll sort you out.

You know, once I've got my feet under t'table.

Including Ice Cream Depot? Of course.

Including a pizza with every single topping on it?

Sure. Including booze?

Yep, yeah.

That night I slept the sleep that only

a man who knows that he's correctly made

a major life-defining decision can.

An example of a time I showed leadership? Well...

Yo. homie. It's gone half 11. You're half an hour late.

Sorry, I was... I don't need to hear it.

Just get some control over t'place.

Here's your till card.

I'm going to be on a call wi' regional

about this week's shitty fuckin' sales.

I don't want disturbing.

Oh, fuck.

It's absurd, the whole system, an absolute joke.

What's going on? Do you fancy a cig before?

Look, you don't have time for a fuckin' cig,

look at all these fuckin' tickets.

I'm not fuckin' joking here, Liam.

Tickets can't just be hanging here like fuckin' bunting.

More tickets backed up, more sales backed up.

One thing that matters is sales at target,

sales at target, sales at target.

Why are you looking at me like

I'm speaking fuckin' Martian or summat? Sort it out now.

Sort it out now.

Oh, fuck.

This is absurd, the whole system, absolute joke.

OK, so, you know, I'm ready to grow, er, upwards...

..er, vertically because at

the moment, I am only growing horizontally.

Um, so I might not be getting taller in

a professional sense, but I am getting...

..flatter.

Sorry, mate, I am listening,

I'm just firefighting this alcohol-free absinthe situation.

Turns out the factory have actually accidentally put quite a lot

of alcohol in it. OK.

These pizzas are taking ages, man, I can...

Now, then, here he is. Your salad bar's ran out of croutons.

What you all doing here? Why are you drinking at midday?

Why ain't you at work? You said you'd give us

a free meal, we took t'afternoon off.

Once I've got my feet under the table, I said.

We didn't really know what that meant.

Has Lucy seen you? No, why? Is she here? Can I say hello?

No, she busy, all right? We're all busy -

in fact, you'll have to leave.

It's too late for that. We've already ordered,

We've got £90 worth of pizza on t'way. Fuck's sake.

Right, do not order anything else.

I'll put this food as gratuity but that is it, no more.

But I ain't had my ice cream yet.

Oh, he's pissed off.

BEEP

BEEP

Um, so ways I add value, well...

I've forgotten. Yeah, I've forgotten to fill that one in,

I think. Oh.

Sorry.

OK, I think I might need to, er...

..cut the bullshit.

I obviously, er, called this meeting initially to try

and secure a promotion, but I suppose in

the process of preparing for that I've realised...

Sorry, bud, this is all really interesting

but I think I actually need to get Horatio on the phone.

Carry on, though.

Oh, really? Because you might need to listen.

Yeah, I can listen and talk at the same time.

Horatio. Yeah, go on, Liam.

You were just about to say you've realised something?

No, not you, Horatio - I'm...

I'm listening to someone else as I talk to ya. Go on, Liam.

OK, well, I guess I've realised

I just don't really do that much.

Mm.

Like, most of the effort anybody expends here seems

to mainly go on convincing ourselves that we're doing anything more than

just cultivating ways

to persuade people to buy shit they don't need.

No, it is a problem...

..Horatio, because we invited those guests to the launch

and gave them alcohol-free absinthe that actually had alcohol in it.

I appreciate that I get paid well

for not even doing that much

and I've made this whole special effort to try

and buy a place in London and climb out of the renting class

but, in doing that, am I just endorsing

a system that I know is an absolute joke?

A guy drank a pint of the stuff, Horatio. He's now in hospital.

And I'm also overwhelmingly aware that

the people who have to work hardest in

the economy have nowhere near the same financial security as me.

A child drank some! Well, I don't know either.

And so I'm sorry for...

But it's just, what's the point in seeking...

..success or wealth...

..without meaning?

Like, what am I even doing on this earth?

Look, I've got to go, Horatio.

Sorry, what was that last thing you just said?

What am I even doing here on this earth?

That's cool man, yeah, that's... That's definitely

the kind of thing we want to be hearing,

you know, because people are asking the big questions now

and, er, yeah,

there's definitely space for you in the senior team,

especially as now I've got to fire Horatio.

What's that?

Um, that's an extra large pizza with every topping on it.

Who the fuck ordered that? Dunno.

But it's chaos out here. Why's t'kitchen so backed up?

Don't you shake your fuckin' head at me.

I could end you in a second.

Get a grip of this fuckin' restaurant now.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Lucy, I acknowledge

that there may have been

a few teething troubles

with it being my first deputy-manager shift,

but I've taken stock of things

and I will be ensuring to do my utmost to rectify

the situation and... and... to take full advantage of

the opportunity that I have in front of me.

You'd better do. Get all this food out, Asap.

What? Because...

Did you hear what I just said?

Yeah!

Yeah, because that's the whole thing now -

you know, you got to look at the... the human dimension in all this,

whether that's climates

or LGT... BLM+, you know,

and at the same time...

But I've loved this and I've loved your work on the toilet.

Well, I've got to talk to several lawyers now

but we'll send over, er, a salary

and a bonus offer to you next week.

We can discuss numbers, but how does that sound in principle?

OK. That's... I'm not... I guess... I'll have to have a think.

But in principle it sounds good.

All right, that's very good, my mate. Right.

Horatio.

I've got some bad news for you, buddy.

You having some? You having one?

Has that pizza got anchovies AND pineapple on it?

It's got everything on it.

The end.

♪ All I know is a 9-5 ain't cuttin' it

♪ Man, I work hard Do you really think it's luck?

♪ They say it's not what ya know but who ya know

♪ Shut up, it's how hard ya work and how good you flow!

♪ I'm ripe, I'm ready, I'm good to go

♪ I'm focused, I never been so serious

♪ The hood think I'm signed They're like, "I swear he is!"

♪ But I'm still on the grind Writin' lines all day, every night

♪ Writin' rhymes, so serious

♪ I'm never satisfied until I'm satisfied

♪ It's never-ending, I just wanna stand out

♪ I don't wanna blend in No pretendin'... ♪