Original subtitles

We repeat: The flying gimp has been destroyed.

You may return to your homes.

And now back to The Skye Daley Show

with tonight's special guest Ricky Coogin.

Ricky, after your hideous disfigurement,

you're showing incredible courage

by agreeing to finally show yourself in public.

Thanks.

America has watched you grow up in television and in movies.

For years, you were everyone's favorite little brother

in that hits series, The Baker's Dozen.

Aw.

And of course as the star

of those hilarious Ghost Dude movies.

Well, you got the entire country saying,

- "boo, dude!" - Boo, dude!

But now...

after your horrific ordeal,

the very mention of your name

makes children scream in terror.

Ricky Coogin...

the world is waiting to hear your story.

Well, it's kind of long, but... okay.

It all started when I was approached to be spokesman

for a multinational corporation called E.E.S.

Oh, the everything except shoes people.

Right. I was at their headquarters

to meet the chairman and the board of directors.

They wanted to send me to South America to promote a controversial fertilizer

called Zygrot-24.

You are the only one who can stand up

to these radicals who are trying to keep

Zygrot-24 from the struggling farmers

whose very future depends on it.

Wasn't that stuff banned?

Only in the U.S.

And Europe.

Uh-uh.

I heard that shit's lethal.

All right. You need proof. Fine.

Please, sit down.

Hmm.

I would like you to meet the head of our South American research facility,

Señor Juan Valdez.

My name is George Ramirez.

Whatever.

He's been working with Zygrot-24 every day

for the last five years,

and look at him. He's in fine shape.

Aren't you...

Juan?

Yes.

I am fine.

I want you to know that me and my team

- in Santa Flan— - Santa Flan?

What kind of shitty name for a country is that?

It is named for the patron saint

of creamy desserts.

As I was saying,

we have worked very closely with Zygrot-24.

I have personally supervised its development.

No potential danger was left uninvestigated.

The environmentalists are crackpots!

All of them! This is ridiculous, I tell you!

Totally ridiculous!

Thank you, Valdez. That will be all.

- Hey, wait a minute. - Ricky, this is important.

We are talking about a major threat

to the E.E.S. image.

How does $2 million plus expenses sound?

Oh, Dick,

$2 million sounds great...

but—

I hear you.

Let's make it $5 million.

Well, that is if the board agrees.

Gentlemen, all those in favor.

Good. It's unanimous.

Well, Ricky, what do you say?

Are you E.E.S.'s man in Santa Flan?

Mmm.

Hmm.

So the deal was done.

I was Ricky Coogin, toxic chemical salesman.

Me and my buddy Ernie hopped on the next plane for Santa Flan.

Oh, did they show a movie?

- "Return to The Blue Lagoon." - Oh, I heard that sucked.

Where the hell is Ernie?

Ladies! All I wanted was a manicure!

Hey, I'm kidding. What is that, gravy?

Where did you get that?

I don't know, Coog. It started as a pimple,

and then I scratched it.

Can I get either of you gentlemen a pillow or a blanket?

Yes, please.

Is that your luggage up there?

- Yeah. - Is that your ugly little troll?

Stuey Gluck!

Rick!

Look! I got a rare still

from your first season on The Baker's Dozen!

Could you sign it for me, please?

Baker's Dozen. I liked the mom on that show.

- I porked her. - Cool.

Hello!

Rick!

Rick, it says here Zygrot-24 is dangerous.

Why are you lending your name to it, Rick?

You used to be good,

and now, I just don't know.

Don't cry, Stuey.

Deep down, I'm still good.

Yes! He-he-he.

May I take your bomb, sir?

Captain Benway here.

To the right of the aircraft you can see a terrific view of the Grand Canyon,

and to the left you can see a panic-stricken little troll.

Rick!

You gonna eat your peanuts, Ernie?

- No, you can have 'em. - Thanks.

Hey, I'm okay!

Ow!

Here we are, Ernie. Santa Spam,

world-famous for loud music and hot sex.

- It is? - Give me a few hours.

Sure glad that wasn't our plane.

Take your toxic crap away!

E.E.S. musn't stay! Take your toxic crap away!

Jesus, we'd better find the limo right now

before these whale-kissers chop us up and sell us for parts.

Ooh...

I got a better idea.

If I can just find the right disguise.

Oh. Oh!

Take these.

Give me back my crutches, you monster!

Oh, it hurts! Oh God!

Are you okay?

- Ah! Oh. - Let me help you.

Thanks. Oh, don't worry about me.

What's one man's pain weighed against the global injustice

of corporate tyrants like E.E.S.? Go!

The fight must continue!

Wow!

My name's Julie. - Josh.

Josh Tavern.

Mother Teresa. Glad to meet you.

- Give me those, you ape! - Ow!

Josh, a busload of us are headed

over to Maracas to protest Zygrot-24

and pelt Ricky Coogin with cow shit.

Hmm, same here. You can ride with us!

Us? You're with him?

Oh, Ernie? Eh, he's okay.

- You ever heard of an idiot savant? - Sure.

Oh, that's Ernie, except for the savant part.

Yeah, well, one thing's for sure—

that Coogin guy sure is an asshole, huh?

I'll say! What a total piece of shit!

I mean— don't you think so, Josh?

Well um... he's got a few problems.

And what a lousy actor! I mean, can you believe all that Ghost Dude crap?

Oh, come on! With a script that bad,

he deserves an oscar for coming off as good as he did.

- Well, he's no Christian Slater. - Slater?!

Now, come on, I can act circles around that one-note hack!

And you think Slater can improv like this?! Huh?

Ugh!

Damn it!

So...

Julie...

you like Swedish films?

You don't even wanna hear the truth about Zygrot-24, do you, Coogin?

I mean, look, I am not saying this stuff is gonna

turn anyone into some kind of—

"Human worm"?

Exactly! A human worm. I mean, that's just absurd!

- The point is that this product— - "Dawgboy"?

Yeah, or a dog boy. That's stupid.

- The point is, is it's a very— - "Hideous frawgman"?

Okay, now you're just being silly.

Human suffering is a big joke to you, isn't it, Coogin?

- What? - You are so sick.

Cool! A freak show!

Let's check it out!

Kinda like a family reunion for you, huh?

Hey, lighten up, Coog. Could be a goof.

Freekz® is a registered trademark of

Elijah C. Skuggs Enterprises. Any unauthorized reproduction

is strictly prohibited without prior written consent.

Welcome to Freek Land,

home of nature's most repulsive mistakes.

Don't forget to visit our snack bar,

and please, no spitting.

Isn't this great?

It is so...

real.

Real stupid.

Let's go, Ernie. This place is dead.

Yeah, where's all the weirdoes?

There are no weirdoes here!

Mutants?

Yes.

Genetic nightmares?

Definitely.

Children of hell,

twisted masses of living, breathing...

tormented flesh?

Certainly.

But as for weirdoes...

Not a one.

Unless, of course...

you count me.

Nah. You seem like a regular dumbshit old redneck to me.

I'm Julie, and you are?

I am Elijah C. Skuggs,

proud proprietor of Skuggs' fabulous Freek Land and Mutant Emporium,

but you already knew that!

After all, you have ventured miles away from civilization—

hospitals, telephones,

police!

How may I help you?

Drop dead.

We would love to see your freak show.

You see, you have built a monument

to the variety and...

innovation of nature.

It reminds us to respect the fragile complexity

of our global ecosystem.

And you come to me looking for weirdoes.

Hey? Hey!

Ugh!

Ew!

Hello.

Mr. Toad is my assistant.

As for the show, I'm afraid the next parade of deformity

isn't until tomorrow evening.

- RICKY, ERNIE: Aww. - However...

I do have a...

private exhibit...

in my...

shed...

you might be interested in.

I don't usually share it with the general public.

Well, we're... deeply honored, but...

no thanks.

Yeah, we're really—

Alright.

I used to blow up toads with firecrackers, pal!

So watch it!

The sideshow tradition

has been completely misrepresented by the media.

- Ooh, yes. - I mean, you don't traffic in human misery.

You show society a part of itself it just doesn't want to look at.

Mm-hmm.

You getting this?

What the hell, huh?

You know, we'll see some pickled

dog brains.

Maybe some pictures of women with, you know...

added equipment, eh?

- Huh? - Why not?

I just love The Family Circus.

Are you out of your mind?!

I do admit they—they use the same joke over and over again.

I'm just a sucker for this little moppet's shenanigans, that's all.

Perhaps I should tell you a little bit more...

about what I do.

You see...

I not only exhibit freaks...

I make them.

Just like Michelangelo

saw the Angel in the stone,

I can look at a guy like...

Kevin Costner

and see a giant peach grub

who can fart The Blue Danube.

Behold!

The tasty freaks machine!

My God! He's using Zygrot-24!

Hey, you're not supposed to have that stuff!

Well, then I guess I'm not supposed to have these either!

Who wants to get freaked first?

- Ladies first! - Go screw yourself!

If I were you, I would.

Oh!

Oh God!

Hmm.

Let's see now. What should we do with these two?

Well, let's see. Ain't it always, huh?

Do we make them deformed?

Michael Jackson.

Yeah, that's like yin and yang.

AC, DC.

Two birds with one stone.

That's pretty darn good, really.

Let 'er rip, Toad!

Uh...

Wait, wait.

Wait a second!

You're really gonna rub that stuff on us

and mutate our body parts?

Correct.

Well...

then could you give me like a really big rodney?

I'm a mad scientist, pal...

not a miracle worker.

No!

Gumby! Put that thing away!

Feast your eyes!

Oh, well...

at least I'll never have to go far for a piece of tail.

Pig!

- Ow! - Toad...

take them to their quarters.

A mere...

party trick.

But you—

you're gonna be...

special.

Laughing Man, this is Red Swan.

Fine, thank you, and you?

Listen, I have created

the ultimate freak— sort of.

Yes. Well, see, that's just it—

he's not quite...

finished.

I'm gonna need some more of that...

Zygrot-24.

Could you spell that?

- Ha. Ho. Hee. - Yes.

Hey. Hoo.

Got it.

Yes, uh—

well, you—you take it easy too, laughing—

Asshole.

Wakey, wakey.

Eggs and bakey.

Time to meet and greet the brand new you.

Oh God! This was my good side!

Still is, if you ask me.

Hell, wait till see what I've got planned for the other side.

Welcome to your spacious accommodations.

Great use of the space.

Yeah, yeah. I learned it all from Bob Vila.

You know, you could expose these rusted beams

and put in a skylight over just one weekend, Elijah.

Give it a rest, Bob.

One of these days I gotta put a shitter in there.

No problem, Elijah, it's all right here

in my new book, "Bedrooms and Bathrooms."

In fact, if you take this one on—

Ernie.

- Julie. - Over here, Coog.

- Are you alright? - Oh, I know that voice.

That's the voice that said, "cool! A freak show! Let's check it out!"

Oh, sure. Blame the woman! Typical.

"It's so real!" Is this real enough for you?!

I'm friggin' Quasimodo!

Lighten up, Coog.

You're talking to the original tag team of ugly pukes here.

Look at this outfit.

Come on...

- step into the light. - Okay.

Here I come.

Oh, jeez.

Well...

it's not so revolting.

I mean...

I mean, after all,

physical beauty is merely a socially enforced myth that...

Oh shit.

Yeah? Well, you're no Mona Lisa's yourself.

You're lucky I got a strong stomach.

And you are lucky I do not bite you!

Huh?

Get away from me,

- you— you— - Freak?

I am Ortiz, the dog boy.

Leader of the freaks.

Kind of like the top dog.

Welcome to hell, Rick.

Shake.

No thanks,

I don't plan on staying long.

Huh?

Shh, shh. Hey. No.

How many of you are there in here, anyway?

First, I have a question for you, Ricardo.

Who starred in the film...

- "Exorcist II: The Heretic"? - Huh?

Well, perhaps we should ask The Worm?

who starred in "The Exorcist II: The Heretic"?

- Olivia Newton-John. - Olivia Newton-John.

Rick, do you agree or disagree?

This is nuts! This is crazy!

- Besides, it was Linda Blair. - Very good.

It was Linda Blair!

Circle gets the square!

All right, that's cool. That's cool.

Okay.

Julie-Ernie,

who's it going to be? Nosey the Noseman?

What?!

- Cowboy! - Howdy.

The Bearded Lady.

How you doing?

- Sockhead. - Hi.

The Eternal Flame!

- Fire in the hole. Yeah! - Rosie, the Pinhead.

The Hideous Frogman.

And of course, in the center square, Mr. Paul Lynde!

Well, who will it be?

Call me old fashioned, but I'll go with Paul Lynde.

- Don't be an idiot! - He's funny.

Oh!

Don't you see, Rick?

Just because we are freaks,

does not mean we do not know how to have some fun, huh?

Get away from me!

Get away!

I'm not like you! You hear me?!

I am Ricky Coogin. I am not a freak!

What a joke!

Freak! Freak! Freak!

Poor kid.

This sucks.

Hmm. I wonder if they're still casting Gremlins 3.

I'll call my agent in the morning.

Look, Rick, all the freaks have been through this anguish.

At first, I was blinded by my anger. I admit that.

I wanted to ring your neck for getting us into this, but...

I got over it.

Ortiz taught me to channel my anger for the common good.

You wanted to see the freak show.

I thought I told you to shut up!

Let go of me!

- Ernie! - Oh.

Sorry, Coog. For a second there, I was— was a total man-hater.

Here.

Take it.

"So you're a hideous mutant freak. Now what?"

I don't need this! I'm not like those other god-forsaken animals.

You're mistaken, Rick. You're exactly like us.

We were all normal, healthy folk before we made the fateful mistake

of coming to this hellhole at an off hour.

When I first came here, I was a professor of lacrophylogy—

The study of worms, of course.

I was on the trail of the fat, pudgy worm.

Mr. Skuggs said he had just such worm in his shed.

How could I have possibly surmised

that the specimen and myself should ultimately prove to be one and the same.

At first...

the transformation was fabulous.

I truly understood the worm's ethos like never before.

But those early days of fascination are over.

Now in retrospect, I think the whole thing is a fucking headache.

I'd sell my soul just to be able to wipe my own ass.

Hmm— I first came here as a tourist.

Looking for some fun— Nice place.

Then Elijah turned me into a sock.

I'm sorry. I'm—I'm not much for stories.

When I first arrived here...

I was nothing like I am now.

I was confused—

- a walking contradiction... - All right.

So full of questions.

You know, you'd be better off without a dick.

Hey! You can keep the beard.

Oh.

Hallelujah!

But now I know who I am.

I can say it to the world:

"Hey, this is me."

"I am woman, and I like me."

Man, that's rough.

You're one of us now, Rick, whether you admit it or not.

It's irrefutable.

Hmm...

Come on, you can do it. You can do it.

Hey!

- Mind your business! - Sorry, sorry.

- Wow! - Ortiz.

Ortiz, that's me. That's me, Ortiz!

Ortiz, Ortiz, you're on me.

- Oh, oh, I am not cleaning this up. - Oh jeez.

Ortiz, down! Get out—

Well, those E.E.S. guys should rescue me any minute...

Then it's back to sunny old L.A.

and straight to the plastic surgeon.

I wonder how many of my anatomically-correct girlfriends

will be waiting for me.

I'll be waiting for you, Rick!

Thanks, Stuey.

Ah! It's the troll!

Go home! What are you doing here?

Seein' phantom trolls, Rick?

Nope.

Sounds to me like you've developed a telepathic bond.

Don't mean you're nuts or nothing.

Heck, old nosey, why, he can smell the future.

Lots of us freaks got E.S.P.,

and Sockhead, he's got E.S.P.N.

- Bodyslam the Hulk! - Watch out, Hulkster!

He's gonna try the skull-cracker!

Shucks, Rick, you're lucky.

Telepathy like yours only occurs between real soul mates.

A bond like that should be cherished.

Wow, I'm Ricky Coogin's soul mate!

In your dreams! Now get lost, troll.

Wait till I tell the kids at school!

- I love you, Rick. - Shucks, Rick,

it don't make sense to spurn your soul mate.

I reckon that troll could help you,

if you just let him into your heart.

Once America sees what happened to Ricky,

they'll probably send the whole F.B.I. down to save him.

I'll probably win a Pulitzer prize for this scoop,

and I'll dedicate it to Rick!

Ow!

Of course I'll print it! America needs to know!

Burt, give Mr. Gluck his fee and show him the way out!

That's okay! I know the way out.

"Freaky deaky! Ricky Coogin's a mutant

and in South America!" By Stuartus Gluck."

That's me!

No, you've got it all wrong! I don't know anything about that!

You gotta believe me!

Ladies and gentlemen!

Get ready for the glamour!

Get ready for the glitz!

Get ready to pelt the physically challenged

with rotten vegetables,

'cause it's showtime!

Yeah, I bet you weigh about—

107!

A one, two, three...

What keeping those damn E.E.S. guys?

Something's troubling you, my boy. What is it?

- Take a wild guess. - Oh...

I think I know what you're going through.

You see, I too had an eating disorder.

Quiet, please.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Tonight, you are about to witness

a cavalcade of atrocities

so horrific...

that I advise the more sensitive members

of our audience to leave the premises at this time.

Tonight, I am proud to announce

several new and original monstrosities

including our star attraction— the Beast Boy!

Ooh!

But first!

A perennial favorite here at Freek Land.

Sit back and snuggle up to the musical stylings of...

Rosie The Pinhead!

Sing out, dear...

from the diaphragm.

- Hey, Julie,

how many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

- How many? - Two—

one to screw it in, and one to ride my rodney!

Oaf!

Bravo!

If your coloring is in the autumn range like Maria,

I would suggest you try the earth-tone eye makeup.

Now as you can see, I've done a lovely french braid on Maria.

But I encourage everyone to experiment and use your imagination.

The main thing is just have fun with it.

Feel good! Wow! Yeah!

Check this out, huh?!

Hey! What?!

Hey! That— you piece of shit!

All right! Way to go!

Thank you! My people! Thank you.

Thank you, you've been a great crowd.

- Oh! - Hey, he's got a hand under there!

- It's a hoax!

Hey, come on! Ooh! Ah!

Bite me!

Puppeteering is an admirable skill

in it's own right, now...

give him his due!

Beast Boy! Beast Boy!

Calm down! He'll be out here in a moment!

And when I won first prize,

they never called me pudding head again.

- So? - Don't you see?

You must turn your hardship into inspiration.

You're an actor, Rick.

Your body is your instrument, and with it,

you must play your tragic symphony for all the world.

They're going nuts for you, beast boy.

You better get out here now.

I'll be right there.

Thank you, Worm. I don't know how to repay you for this.

You could wipe my ass.

What a comedian!

Nosey...

have I ever told you

- what a gifted artist you are? - Huh?

Now...

is the winter

of our discontent.

Made glorious summer by this son of york.

I didn't write this. What is this crap?

But I'm not shaped for sport of tricks,

nor made to court an amorous looking glass.

High—

If you're having trouble

understanding Mr. Coogin's brilliant reading

of the soliloquy from Richard III,

please take advantage

of the handy subtitles for the culturally illiterate.

- Shh! - ...wild figure...

Deformed,

sent before my time

into this breathing world,

scarce half made up.

Why I...

in this weak piping time of peace

have no delight

to pass away the time?

Thank you!

- Beautiful! - Thank you, thank you.

They seem to like it.

My God.

Too kind.

- It is him. - Yes!

Thank God for E.E.S.!

Oh, yeah, yeah, Rick. Look, look.

I— I really love this new look you've got going for yourself.

It's fresh, it's hip, the kids will love it,

but back at E.E.S., I don't think the big boys upstairs are gonna get it.

- What are you saying? - Well, Rick, what I'm—

trying to say is th-that—

well, um—

you're ugly enough to burn the nose hairs off a dead nun.

What a putz!

Eat shit!

Rick...

now you're just being childish.

Run for your lives!

What's the matter? Afraid of a little rough stuff?

Welcome to show business, morons!

You're all going to hell.

Now that's entertainment.

Gotta get the hell out of here.

That's against the law.

Psst. Hey, you, milkman.

Me?

Yeah, you. I've got something to show you.

Come around to this little trapdoor.

- What is it? - I've just laid a turd

that's the spittin' image of Kim Basinger.

Boy, if I had a dime for every time I heard that.

- She's naked, too. - Really?

This I gotta see.

Nah, that's just a regular turd.

Looks kind of like Winona Rider, but—

Oof.

Shit!

Damn eyes!

Damn lock.

The Club!

What the hell?

Stop in the name of Haile M. Selassie.

Don't move, milkman, yeah.

Good work, Eye and Eye.

Rastafar-eye.

Now send the Beast Boy

to my...

den.

Go to the den, mon.

Them go in, them never come out.

Yeah, mon, into the den with you.

Diet soda?

- No thanks. - Fiddle faddle?

All right.

Mmm, delicious.

So...

aren't you gonna kill me or something?

Sure, it'd be fun, but...

The Beast Boy's a hit!

Look, Elijah...

I've been in show business all my life.

The public does not wanna see disgusting, depraved, violent filth.

Oh...?

And I suppose "Jake and The Fat Man" was just a fluke!

Hello.

Listen, I'm all set to roll here.

You've got it.

Ciao to you too.

Jolly son of a bitch.

We'll see who has the last laugh, you jerk-off.

All right, Coogin.

- Listen up. - Hmm?

You're gonna be a hideous killing machine.

Tomorrow night I'm gonna finish the job onstage,

and then you're gonna slaughter all the old freaks

and from their ashes you'll rise...

like a mighty phoenix—

only a lot uglier—

and then the whole world will—

Hey!

I told you, enough!

So Elijah was going to send you to Phoenix?

No, he was talking about a huge bird.

The mythical creature? It's just a metaphor.

Oh.

The point is...

Elijah wanted to turn me into a blood-thirsty monster

and have me kill all my fellow freaks.

But what he didn't know was that I left his den with an important clue.

Hmm... yeah!

Come back!

Look, another milkman!

Hey, Rick, couldn't you come up with your own escape plan?

You gotta be kidding me.

A dozen milkmen?

Isn't that a little unusual?

12 milkmen is theoretically possible.

- Yeah! Yeah! - 13 is silly.

Silly!

Looks like one milkman

too many, Coogin!

- Freaks! - Fine then!

Go ahead!

Hope you like reggae, you flea-bitten bastard.

Be very quiet.

Ah shit.

Look, you'll all be killed.

You don't know about Elijah's giant rasta eyeballs with machine guns!

Poor boy's gone off the deep end.

It's suicide,

and I can't let you do it!

And I cannot let you stop us.

Come on, Ortiz.

Come on, you little pansy.

Be careful, he's rabid, he's a rabid dog!

- Stick and move. Stick and move! - Really swift!

You're gonna poke an eye out!

Kill him! Sorry.

That's a lot of milkmen on the same route.

No wonder they fight.

Squirrel!

- Yah, rastafar-eye! - Holy shit!

Two giant rasta eyeballs just like Rick said.

Gosh, if it wasn't for Rick,

we'd all be dead.

Hey! Thanks. Ricky's good.

- Yeah! - Much obliged.

Come on, you heard the Beast Boy,

- back to the freak house. - Yeah!

- Um... - Now!

Ah!

All I wanted was a hug.

Maybe I was wrong about you, Coogin.

Not again!

Oh, well, at least we'll get to try a new position.

Says it's strong enough for a man!

- But it's made for a woman! - Give me!

Hey!

Rick.

- What's up? - Read this.

I grabbed it from Skuggs' den.

"Buy more fiddle faddle, tape Donahue,

renew subscription to Beaver World."

Beaver world?! Let me see that?

After that.

"Prepare demonstration for Laughing Man,

receive 5,000 barrels of Zygrot-24"?!

Elijah's up for something big.

We have to stop him.

We're done for! We're done for!

I don't wanna die! It's the end of the world!

The apocalypse!

I haven't said anything yet.

Sorry. I'm—I'm not much for timing.

Look,

I'll be turned into an evil superfreak

and forced to kill you all,

but we might have a chance if we act fast.

And I'm prepared to be...

your new leader.

- I say we kill him. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And I've got a plan!

- I still say we kill him! - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

If we can just get to Elijah's lab,

- maybe we can— - Of course!

Design an ointment to turn you into a good superfreak

and program it to make you destroy Elijah instead of us!

- Brilliant! - Oh.

- Well, actually, I was— - How do we get to the lab?

- Uh— - Right, the Worm can dig a tunnel.

My god, it's so crazy it just might work.

But you need Zygrot-24 to make the freak sludge

and Elijah told us himself

- he's run out of it. - Oh! Oh, yeah.

- Well, what if we just— - Yes, exactly!

If they've been using Zygrot-24 as a fertilizer around here,

then the entire ecosystem must be soaked with it.

All we need is a way to extract it from the vegetation.

- Ideally in a liquid form. - Right.

Golly! So that's why my milk comes out that weird blue color.

I thought the grass tasted funny.

- Wow, Rick, you're a genius!

- Nosey: All right. - Good thinking, Rick!

That's cool, Rick. Tell me, how do you think of such a plan?

Well... actually,

I was gonna suggest we send away for sea monkeys,

train them to fire guns and make a break for it.

But if you— if you wanna go with this good superfreak thing, I...

I guess that's okay.

Hey! Turn off that goddamn music!

Sorry!

What a jerk!

I hate it when you do that.

- Hey, look at this. - What?

Good lord, it's the lost city of Nod!

Wow!

- It's old faithful. - Ooh!

- It's my aunt Gertie and uncle Sid. - Oh.

- It's my bar mitzvah! - Come on, Ernie, let's go.

Wait, wait. You gotta see the one

where Rabbi Katz laughed so hard noodle pudding came out his nose.

- It was— - Stooge!

Nice digging, Worm.

Back off, okay?

I have got a real short fuse today. I am cranky,

I am bloated and I have a wicked case of cramps.

Don't ask why!

PMS?

Caught ya, freaks!

Ha, I fooled you. You didn't know I did impressions, did you?

Hey, guys, mission accomplished.

They've got the Zygrot-24 and they've broken through into the lab.

No! Can't you see?!

We're digging our own grave! It's nuts!

That's what it is, nuts! Well maybe you've all got a death wish,

but you can count me out! I'm getting the hell out of here!

Nobody move, nobody get hurt.

Out of my way!

Dat sock full of holes, mon.

What a mess.

I just want to say...

What is it, kid?

Aw, forget it.

I'm not much for dying.

Aw, he's better off.

It's a blessing.

I've hacked into Elijah's superfreak program.

My God, it's complex.

Okay, guys, we've got a job to do.

Let's do it and keep quiet, okay?

Oops.

Now look, from now on,

no more screw-ups, okay?

Styrofoam cup?

Here it comes. It's working.

Somebody's comin'.

It's plugged up.

This is your fault. I will wring your wormy neck!

Preposterous! I have no neck,

I'm a worm, imbecile!

God damn!

Buttered popcorn on my...

The tunnel walls are about to collapse!

You go ahead. I'll catch up.

- But Rick— - Go!

Yeah, go. I'll stay here with Rick.

Come on, let's—

Hmm.

Bad for the environment.

I think I see him!

- It's close. - Rick!

Come on, Rick!

- Just made it. - Okay, everybody, listen up.

Now, we cracked the code and made the ointment we need

- to bring Skuggs down for good. - All right!

But... I left it in the lab.

Wait! Wait! Wait!

I found some macaroons and there's plenty for all of us!

I hate macaroons.

E.E.S. is in bed with Elijah C. Skuggs.

Damn!

It's nice to see you in the flesh...

Laughing Man.

I think we can dispense with the codenames, Elijah.

We're all friends here.

And to prove it, we brought you a little present.

- Rick, is that you?! - Who's the troll?

He was asking questions about Coogin,

causing trouble. We figured he was one of yours.

Well, I make freaks, all right, but come on, fellas,

this thing is pathetic!

Well you're no Julio Iglesias yourself, mister!

Rick!

Oh no, not now, Stuey!

Hey, where are you?

I'm in the lab! I'm in the lab!

- I'm in the lab! - Not only ugly, he's...

crazy too.

Toad.

Gentlemen...

I'm not gonna bullshit you.

I know my setup here at Freek Land

looks like small potatoes,

but thanks to your Zygrot-24 and my genius

tonight, I'm gonna turn Ricky Coogin into a freak so hideous,

it'll be enough to make your stomach turn inside-out,

it'll boil your brain in its own juices

and it'll make a cold sore that you thought had healed up

- starts bugging you again. - Hmm.

It's the dawning of a new age.

A new beginning!

Behold!

Supra-mega Freek World!

It's really something, huh?

Very impressive.

We'll kick Disney's dead ass.

Stuey. Stuey, can you hear me?

I want you to try and escape.

Bring me the can on the floor near the blast furnace.

I like your spirit, Skuggs,

but Disney? Come on.

I like "Bambi."

"Bambi" sucked.

What about the part where the mother got shot?

Yeah—yeah I liked that part.

- Well, I liked it too. - Yeah.

We here at E.E.S. have plans

for your gene machine that include everything.

- Hmm? - Well, everything except shoes, of course.

Oh, I'd love to see your plans.

Well, I'd love to show 'em to you.

Bill, would you do the honors?

What does today's businessman want?

Well...

How about a receptionist

with six arms, three mouths and a knockout figure?

That would sure speed things up, wouldn't it?

Or, down at the factory,

how do we fight the rising problem

of sagging productivity from lazy workers?

How about a worker with 12 busy hands,

no mouth to talk back, no genitalia

or gastro-intestinal system to distract him from his work?

Sure, it's what we all dream about, isn't it?

Well, with this Skuggs-based Zygrot technology,

these things are not only possible,

they are only the beginning.

We're poised on the edge

of a new frontier

limited only by our imaginations.

Of course, what happened to our expensive spokesman Ricky Coogin

was an unfortunate coincidence.

On the other hand, profits from these new markets

could total in the billions.

Ricky who?

Hey!

Now hold on.

Secretaries, worker drones—

where's the fun, huh?

Where— where's the spark?

Where's the— the unspeakable evil?

I was just getting to that.

We are gonna impact every field—

cosmetics, military, novelty house pets.

And why should we stop at consumer products?

Hell, we can design a whole new consumer.

A few well-placed drops in the water supply and bingo!

It's a whole new master race,

and we own the copyright!

This guy is good.

We lured him away from Pepsi.

Right here, right now,

we are building a better tomorrow

for those who uphold the vision of E.E.S.!

Bill, if I could just add one thing?

Those who dare oppose us

will stand knee-deep in the blood of their children.

And now

the moment you've all been waiting for,

ladies and gentlemen,

the Beast Boy!

Rick!

- Over here, Rick! - Where?

With this remarkable ointment of my own design,

I am going to transform this half-finished ghoul

into the ultimate stomach-turning superfreak

dedicated to evil.

Here I am, Rick!

Goddamn it, kid, would you sit down?

- Oh no! - Aw shit. Move down.

What the hell?

You got a problem, mister?

Yah!

Your ass is mine, Skuggs!

This kid looks pissed.

Eye and Eye, kill him!

Ugly, ugly, ugly boy.

Big ugly boy.

Damn my eyes!

- Toad! - What?

Ooh, I'm shakin'!

Ah! Help!

Huh?

Shit.

Help! I'm in a zoo!

It looks like it's time to bring out the big gun.

- Sayonara, kiddo. - No!

Rick!

What a waste of 12 bucks.

Let's get the machine and go.

- Come on! - Right now!

Wait, Rick! Could you sign this first?

Time to die, troll!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Let's go, dickhead!

Give him the skull cracker, you big oaf!

No way! The skull cracker is an illegal move!

Ooh!

I'm number one!

I'm number one!

I'm betting my bar mitzvah money!

Let's get this over with. Hey, Dick!

What the hell are you doing?

This machine is now the sole property

of the Everything Except Shoes corporation.

- What?! - Eat shit, yokel.

I knew I couldn't trust you corporate greaseballs!

Move that thing!

Eat this, Dick!

Head for the hills! Before he gets all of us!

Oof! Ow!

Boy, I haven't seen a stampede like this

since the opening night of "Ishtar!"

Now, I rip freaks to pieces!

Kill Nosey! You always hated Nosey!

Please! Rick, no, Rick!

Please!

Oof. What the...

Now that's a really big shoe.

Rick.

Would you kill him, please?

- Kill him! Kill him!

Kill him!

- Then just as I— - Sorry to interrupt you, Rick,

but you've been talking for almost 90 minutes

and we really have got to go to a commercial.

Oh, sorry.

You like being a man.

That's why you'll like...

Macheesmo! Real cheese for real men.

Now in a handy aluminum dispenser.

And now back to the exciting conclusion

of Ricky Coogin's incredible story.

Let's see, it seemed like nothing could stop me from shoving a spear

through Stuey's skull.

When all of a sudden—

- No, Rick, no! - I heard a voice.

I reckon that troll can help you

if you just let him into your heart.

Your heart, your heart...

Your heart, your heart, your heart.

I... love... you.

You did it, Rick.

- Atta boy, Coog. - Oh.

A dose of...

sentimental claptrap.

Beast Boy! I gave you an order!

- And you better obey it, damn it! - It's over, Skuggs!

You were nothing before I found you!

I made you!

And I can break you!

You think I made you strong?!

Ha! I've got my DNA cranked so high,

you won't know what hit you!

I'm a wrecking machine!

Ow! Oh!

I think you crushed my spinal cord.

I can't feel anything in my fingers.

Maybe you'll feel this.

No, wait a minute! Wait, wait, wait!

If you kill me, you'll never find the antidote.

- What antidote? - Aha ha.

A time-release serum.

I baked it into a delicious batch...

of macaroons.

- Hmm. - Macaroons! Nice.

That is so cool.

If you ask me, you skimped on the coconut.

Oh!

Freeze! F.B.I.!

Looks like they took care of Skuggs, chief.

Nice work, Ricky.

You'll get a medal from the Vice President for this.

Great, but how did you—

We've been following skuggs for years.

Then when we saw Mr. Gluck's article,

we knew it was time to move.

- So what took you so long? - Well, first, there was that

Satan's child thing on page three.

- Oh. - Yeah, I read that.

Then...

there was the case of the house that dripped blood.

Ew!

Whoa! Look at that thing!

- Holy shit! - It can't be.

What the hell are you looking at?!

Dead meat.

And that's my story.

It was so exciting.

We fixed Coogin's light!

Oh, it's about time. Turn it on.

- That's better. - I'll say.

How about it, folks? Let's hear it for Ricky Coogin

and his freaky friends.

The Bearded Lady!

- How you doing? - Rosie!

- The Eternal Flame! - Yeah!

Lights out, baby!

Cowboy! Frogman!

Nosey!

Get off! Get off!

And the Worm.

Ridiculous. Just because a man doesn't like macaroons.

Hey!

- Ho! - Hi oh!

Gotcha!

Damn, it's about time!

Ortiz!

Hey! Hermanos!

That's just great.

What a story, and what an ending.

Elijah transformed by the goop,

and he actually looked like—

Exactly like you, Skye, I swear. Same face, same outfit,

except he had these really big hideous feet.

I'm gonna drink your blood!

- Oh, Rick, it's finally over. - Yes.

Yes, it is.

Rick!

Hey, Rick!

Stuey!

Well, like that wasn't totally predictable.

- Hi, Stuey. - Well now, it's really over.

Thank God.

You know...

this whole thing has taught me something.

That when man starts impinging on the subtle perfection

of the earth's natural order,

the only thing he'll create...

is havoc.

Right, Coog.

I learned something too.

That men and women truly are equals.

That the human spirit

transcends gender and physical appearance.

And thus, it is immune to the petty degradations

- men may devise. - So true.

- Yeah, I believe it was Molière— - Oh, shut up!

Ah!

Oh!

Aw!

Good night, everybody!

Good night!

Subtitles by MaG, 04/2023