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1
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:18,040
Hi, guys. Joe Wicks back
for lockdown number two.
2
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:20,480
Now, just because we've been
through all this before,
3
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:22,080
doesn't mean we have to slack off.
4
00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:24,880
Staying positive and exercising
for mental health
5
00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,400
is even more important.
6
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:29,480
So, let's stay positive,
positive, positive.
7
00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:31,880
Star jumps, press-ups...
8
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:37,000
CORONA SIGHS
9
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,520
Mind if I join you, kid?
10
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,920
Hey, didn't you use to be the flu?
11
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,040
I am still am, baby.
12
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:47,320
Boy, hasn't been the same
since my press agent died on me.
13
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,240
You look down in the dumps.
14
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:51,400
They've got a vaccine against me.
15
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,280
90% effective.
16
00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:55,360
That's the business, kid.
17
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:57,440
One minute you're grabbing
the headlines
18
00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,520
hosted by presidents
and prime ministers,
19
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,440
next thing,
you're a seasonal infection
20
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:02,960
people treat with nasal spray.
21
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,440
Oh, wow! Hey, that hurts!
22
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:08,720
Anyway, I heard you killed
with the mink.
23
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,800
Mink? It's a Beverly Hills rat!
24
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,880
Still, it beats bats and pangolins.
25
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:18,160
God, I hate the taste of pangolins.
Eurgh!
26
00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:20,480
Hey, respect your roots.
27
00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:22,320
You don't hear me dumping on ducks.
28
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:25,000
Well, what am I supposed to do now?
29
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:28,440
Relax.
You think Chickenpox is worried?
30
00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,040
He's throwing kids' parties.
31
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,160
And his Uncle Shingles is huge
with the cruise ship crowd.
32
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:38,280
Yeah. Maybe I just gotta
mutate with the times.
33
00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:40,160
That's the spirit.
34
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,280
Shots?
Shots?
35
00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:45,560
I'm joking, kid. Loosen up.
36
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:50,400
A toast to the anti-vaxxers,
cos there ain't no cure for stupid.
37
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,680
THEY LAUGH
38
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,360
Do you mind if I get the barman?
Go for it.
39
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,920
SQUELCHING
40
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,600
This could take a while.
41
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:11,960
New James Bond auditions,
Black Baby Yoda, take one.
42
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,080
HE GROWLS
Bond, my name is.
43
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:17,200
You've got the part.
44
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,000
# California dreaming... #
45
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:22,360
Harry, it came, it finally came.
46
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:25,680
It's an invy
to a fancy formal event.
47
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:28,720
The Obama Foundation Awards Gala.
48
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:32,320
Oh, is this one of them
socks and shoes things?
49
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,880
The important thing is,
Michelle will be there.
50
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,920
She's turning her book Becoming
into a big-budget movie.
51
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:41,520
This is my chance to convince her
I'd be perfect to play the lead.
52
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,840
When they go low, we go high!
53
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:45,960
Fantastic.
54
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:49,120
I will be-coming
to watch that movie!
55
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,280
HE CHUCKLES
Hang on.
56
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,640
This invitation is for LeBron James.
57
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,960
Dur! I've been rifling through
his mailbox every day
58
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,360
so I could grab it before he does.
Brilliant.
59
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,600
I'd do anything to land a role
in that movie.
60
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:02,840
Even read the book?
61
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,200
Not anything anything.
62
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:05,600
BABY BURPS
63
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,640
Oh!
64
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:16,040
God I miss home.
Any word from sweet lady Earth,
65
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,200
the World Wide Wench?
66
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,400
With the votes finally tallied
and the lawsuits just beginning,
67
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:22,680
we can confirm that
68
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,400
the next President
of the United States is
69
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:26,960
Joe Biden!
70
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,320
Piece of shit.
EXPLOSION
71
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:31,680
Joe Biden won.
72
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:35,640
So what's the big catastrophe that
sent us scurrying across space
73
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:37,880
like schoolboys
scared of a firecracker?
74
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,480
I really don't get it.
75
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:42,440
Why did my future self warn me
to leave Earth?
76
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:45,640
So after I shot him head first
into the wall and knocked him out,
77
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,640
I whispered into his ear,
"Mars needs your genius."
78
00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:50,440
His colossal ego did the rest.
79
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:53,080
OK, OK, so let me understand.
80
00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:57,560
Elon Musk, our greatest entrepreneur
is trapped on Mars forever.
81
00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:58,760
Not just Elon.
82
00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,920
Also Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson.
83
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:06,040
THEY CHEER
CELEBRATORY MUSIC
84
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,640
I am bloody well miffed.
85
00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:13,080
One of you wibbling weasels
leaked my lockdown plan.
86
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:15,960
I tell you something in secret,
a second later it's on the news.
87
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,800
PHONE CHIMES
88
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,880
"Breaking news - Boris annoyed
at wibbling weasels."
89
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,720
Right, that settles it.
90
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:25,560
Dom, find out
who is our leakius maximus.
91
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,240
It'll be my pleasure.
92
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:29,000
Let's start with you, Sunak.
93
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,960
Wait!
Here's ten million quid
94
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,120
for one of your mates in the form
of a public sector contract.
95
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:38,240
I have no mates...
until the time of the swarming.
96
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:41,080
I will see what is in your brain
with my mind scan
97
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:43,880
I learned in the torture domes
of Epsilon Five.
98
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,520
I mean Russia. I mean Durham!
99
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,240
Hey! Watch the hair.
100
00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:49,880
EXTRATERRESTRIAL MUSIC
101
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:55,560
Rishi, Rishi, Rishi.
Rishi, Rishi, Rishi.
102
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,280
Unbridled ego.
103
00:04:58,280 --> 00:04:59,960
Definite leaker.
104
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,680
I'm sorry about the R number,
Mr Cuddles.
105
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,160
Weakness equals leakness.
106
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,440
Hm, my mind meld fuse blew.
107
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:28,800
There must be something
really horrible inside this one.
108
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:30,960
It's not illegal
if you just think it.
109
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,440
Well, Domo, who's our rat?
110
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:34,800
All of them, obviously.
111
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:38,520
Hand over your phones and
everything else in your pockets.
112
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:44,680
PHONE BEEPS
113
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:47,160
"That freak Cummings
has to go by Christmas."
114
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,560
Who leaked that?
115
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,720
Oh, come on,
it could have been anyone.
116
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:57,760
My elusive cellphone has found
its way off the dinner table
117
00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,960
and is lost somewhere on the floor.
118
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,800
Still, if we take care,
119
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,960
there is still time to recover
the phone without damage.
120
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,160
CRACKING
Oh, fucking shit!
121
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:12,160
LeBron, I can't believe
you never got your invitation.
122
00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,360
I personally licked the stamp.
Double licked it.
123
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,680
Dropped through the slot,
the whole shebang.
124
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:18,880
Never got it.
125
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:22,040
I'm only here because I was walking
by and saw my name on the marquee.
126
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:23,520
Damn Post Office.
127
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,640
I should have shut that whole
operation down when I was in charge.
128
00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,200
He still angry your book
sold better than his?
129
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,240
Trust me, that's a whole chapter
for my next book.
130
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:36,240
Blimey, Megs, you're a dead ringer
for Michelle Obama.
131
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,040
When everyone sees
how perfectly I channel her,
132
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,840
they'll totally give me the role.
Hang on.
133
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:43,320
I have to direct your movie.
134
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,680
No-one understands
the Black experience like me.
135
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:46,760
HE SPLUTTERS
136
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:50,240
I got it all mapped out, an homage
to '70s Indonesian kick-boxing.
137
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:53,160
Two guys talk about Count Chocula
for 20 minutes.
138
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:54,800
Mitch McConnell gets ice-picked.
139
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,320
Do you know who'd be great
to play Michelle?
140
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:58,880
Meghan Markle.
141
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,920
I do love resuscitating
has-beens' careers,
142
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,080
but I'm not a fucking magician.
143
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:05,920
Boris Johnson,
talk us through that performance.
144
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:08,480
I think we were always
going to concede.
145
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,400
Rashford was devastating on the left
and in the centre and on the right.
146
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,040
I told the boys they should be proud
147
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,200
of holding the line
as long as they did
148
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,400
and on another day,
we'd have got something,
149
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,080
especially against your Labours,
SNPs and Lib Dems.
150
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:21,960
What about the own goal?
Which one?
151
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,320
Good point. What was the mood like
on the back benches?
152
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,600
Foaming with right-wing populism.
153
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:31,160
What about funding extra sports
facilities for disadvantaged kids?
154
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,880
Absolutely not.
Out of the question.
155
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,440
I didn't quite catch that.
156
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,640
Ah, Rashford. Yo, my man.
157
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:40,240
I said how does
two billion quid sound?
158
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,520
EERIE MUSIC
159
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:48,280
Er, hello. Joe Biden here
for my teeth clean.
160
00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:49,880
Step forward.
161
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:57,840
Welcome to
the Chamber of the Chosen.
162
00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:00,320
Hey, thanks.
Where do I rinse and spit?
163
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:03,360
That appointment was merely a ruse
to lure you here.
164
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,320
We are the Illuminati.
165
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:07,720
You have achieved great power,
Joseph Biden.
166
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:11,760
Now, you are eligible to join
our elite order.
167
00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:13,680
I'm already in a lot of clubs,
168
00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:16,760
the Automobile Club,
the Haircut Club at Scissors.
169
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:19,680
We control currencies,
manipulate markets,
170
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,560
communicate with the dead.
171
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:23,760
Yeah, but I'm one punch hole away
172
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,040
from a free haircut.
173
00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:26,920
Oh, goodbye yellow brick road.
174
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,800
Membership in our sacred order
175
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,960
does not preclude
your quaint haircut arrangement.
176
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,360
Just saying I'm hearing
a lot of sizzle but no steak.
177
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:38,720
I see we must give you
a demonstration of our power.
178
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,480
Behold.
179
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,760
A free breakfast buffet?
I'm in.
180
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:50,040
Great, great.
181
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,400
Technically it's free...
with the entrance fee.
182
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,000
Here it comes, the catch.
183
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,360
The good news is that
if you recruit two members,
184
00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,800
you get a share
of their entrance fees.
185
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,240
And if they recruit two members,
you get a quarter of that.
186
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:07,280
So this thing's not so much
a conspiracy as a pyramid scheme.
187
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,800
Well, it is the logo,
it's not like we're hiding it.
188
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,440
Why do you rich, famous people
189
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,360
need all these robes and skulls
and sex rituals?
190
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:16,840
We didn't say anything
about sex rituals.
191
00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,160
Fresh ideas, let him speak.
192
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,000
What's the point
of a secret organisation
193
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,240
that everybody knows about
194
00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,960
and you can't get anything
you don't already have?
195
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,120
And no sex rituals.
196
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:28,600
I'm not saying no.
197
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,920
I'm just saying
I've got dirty teeth.
198
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,600
Fine! Take a seat, love.
199
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,800
GONG SOUNDS
Ah-ha!
200
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:39,600
Well, this is very exciting.
201
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,320
But why do you want to be
our new housekeeper, Idris?
202
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:45,040
The government said
I had to retrain, so I did.
203
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,360
Basic level domestic management.
204
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,640
So, any specialist skills?
205
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,840
I can smoulder.
206
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,120
Jolly good, then.
207
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,000
THEY SIGH
208
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,080
What's wrong with this patient?
209
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,320
Healer Gwyneth, he has shock,
inflammation,
210
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:05,520
and extreme pain
where his appendix is.
211
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:06,760
Ow!
212
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:09,680
The problem is obvious,
he's stressed out by modern living.
213
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:13,160
Two jars of manuka honey vinegar
and a cork yoga mat stat!
214
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:14,640
I feel more relaxed already.
215
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:19,880
Healer Gwyneth, please help.
216
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,560
Let me guess,
you have a disquieted aura?
217
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,320
No, I've cut off my hand.
218
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:26,720
And you need to remember
where you put it.
219
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,080
I've got it,
CBD-infused cucumber water.
220
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:30,680
GLASS SMASHES
221
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,120
About our therapies,
222
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:35,120
$200 for a pelvic exercise pillow?
223
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,800
If they're not overpriced,
people won't believe in them.
224
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,960
Do you understand nothing
about medicine?
225
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,080
You're killing yourself
for this hospital, Gwyneth. Brad!
226
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:50,000
Your eucalyptus infusium saved me
from career-destroying self-doubt.
227
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,960
Now I want to save you. Run away
with me before it's too late.
228
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:56,040
I... I...
229
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:57,280
Healer Gwyneth!
230
00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:58,920
Gunshot wound.
231
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:01,440
I'm sorry, it's too late.
232
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,880
You'll have to use
traditional Western medicine.
233
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,440
Please no, anything but that.
234
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,800
Well, there is
an experimental treatment.
235
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:14,000
You did it. You're incredible.
236
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:18,800
..commitment to the young people of
our communities...
237
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,080
Hey, girl!
238
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,360
Bet you think
you're looking in a mirror.
239
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:23,680
Hello, Meghan.
240
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:25,960
Aren't you kind of old for cosplay?
241
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,800
Oh, no, this is serious business.
242
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:31,200
When I heard about your movie,
I had this brilliant idea,
243
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:32,640
I should play you!
244
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:35,400
And what's the brilliant part?
245
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,680
If you're worried
about the age difference, don't,
246
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:41,200
they can age me up
with tons of rubber and glue.
247
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,120
I'll sit in that makeup chair
all day.
248
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,880
Look, I'm about to give an award
to LeBron James,
249
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,040
We can talk about this later.
250
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,480
Absolutely, absolutely.
251
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,880
When and where can we
talk about this later?
252
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,840
How about when pigs fly
253
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,360
and where, out of my ass.
254
00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:00,360
Location of my ass.
255
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:01,760
Ready to start, Billie?
256
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,680
No, I hate this. Life sucks.
257
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:06,560
Everyone's an asshole.
Why are men such dicks?
258
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,400
I'm bored, I wanna die.
259
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:09,960
And we're done, another hit.
260
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,400
# No, I hate this
261
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,080
# Life sucks
262
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,240
# Everyone's an asshole
263
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:18,000
# Why are men such dicks
264
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,960
# I wanna die. #
265
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,160
Tiger Woods, yes, woo-hoo!
266
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,120
Come on, I'm playing golf
with Tiger Woods.
267
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,720
Tiger Woods, everyone.
268
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,960
I'm so excited. Unbelievable. Yes!
269
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,480
Thanks, James.
270
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,840
Three years ago,
I thought my career was over.
271
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,600
Look at me now.
It's really exciting.
272
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,520
Oh, it's been amazing, mate.
273
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:40,960
Amazing!
274
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,680
Yeah, conquered my addictions,
and more importantly,
275
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,320
my anger management issues.
276
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:46,720
'Tiger Woods to tee off.'
277
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,640
Yes, Tiger!
278
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,600
This man beat
his anger management issues.
279
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,240
'And that's going left.
Uh-oh, Tiger's in the water hazard.'
280
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,240
Oh, shoot.
281
00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:58,840
Tiger, it's gone in the pool.
282
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,640
So we could play golf pool karaoke!
283
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,800
# Look at the stars
284
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:07,240
# Look how they shine... #
It's Coldplay, Tiger, join in.
285
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,720
I have to take my tee shot again.
What an absolute ledge!
286
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,400
Only you can do that.
287
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:16,240
Look at that swing. Incredible!
288
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,840
Four!
289
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,560
'And Tiger's hit a goose
in the water.
290
00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:22,760
'He's killed
a protected Canada goose.'
291
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:28,280
Please don't talk when I'm swinging.
Whoops-a-daisy!
292
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:31,360
You're not angry or anything?
No. I'm calm.
293
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,400
Anger is the demon.
Anger is the demon.
294
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,400
Tiger Woods, everybody!
295
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,800
'He missed the ball completely.'
296
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:40,960
Ah!
297
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,640
Shut up!
298
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,600
Ow!
Shut up,
299
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:48,000
you goddamn loud-mouthed,
limey asshole!
300
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,360
Tiger is beating me up.
301
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:51,640
What an honour.
302
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:54,280
Officer, that black man
attacked that white man.
303
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,200
Hm, that's a tricky one.
304
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,880
The white man is James Corden.
305
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,480
Oh, now it's easy.
Excuse me, Mr Woods.
306
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,240
Agh!
307
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,440
American cops, best in the world!
308
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:06,400
Argh! Am I right?
309
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:11,360
# C'est Govey en Paris
C'est Govey en Paris. #
310
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,840
I'm back in gay Paris,
311
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,360
city of romance
and unrequited Brexit deals.
312
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,000
Emmanuel! Emmanuel!
313
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,320
Oh, Govey, I didn't expect you.
314
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,280
I've thought it over and
315
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:31,160
I'm finally ready for you tonight.
316
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,960
Let's shaft the fishing community.
317
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,480
And each other.
318
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,600
Actually, Govey, things have become,
319
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,040
as you would say,
"hashtag complicated."
320
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,440
Joe Biden.
Are you from the BBC?
321
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:45,840
I'm Irish.
322
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,960
I want a relationship
with no boundaries
323
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:52,360
and so does Joe, and I would
do anything to keep Joe happy.
324
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,360
Er, no, no.
Mon ami.
325
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:57,440
Whoa, Mr Licky.
326
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:01,000
Your crepes suzettes.
327
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,960
Oh, pancakes a horse sat on.
328
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,160
So, is this the end
of Govey in Paris?
329
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,320
Again?
330
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:08,920
I'm riding with Biden.
331
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:10,920
There's no drama with him.
332
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,800
He's setting fire to the pancakes.
333
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:14,920
Old Joe's got this.
334
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,760
What can I say, Govey?
335
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,000
He makes me laugh.
336
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,280
# C'est Govey en Paris... #
337
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:36,320
What's good, cow?
Universe treating you OK?
338
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,360
You didn't touch your tofu.
339
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,280
COW MOOS
340
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:45,440
Well, howdy! You must be the Mr West
that done bought this ranch.
341
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,720
What is she? 6,000 acres? Hooey!
342
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,920
Yeah, but I don't think
in terms of size, you know?
343
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:56,080
It's about ideas,
ideas per square inch.
344
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,120
There's one, there's another one.
345
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,240
You had one on your neck.
Thank you.
346
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:04,640
So, what are you breeding here?
Angus? Hereford? Longhorn?
347
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:07,120
Shoehorn.
COW MOOS
348
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:11,160
Oh, I get it. You're gonna turn
their hides into shoe leather
349
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,600
for some fancy ten-dollar sneakers.
350
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:14,880
Na, too slow.
351
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,920
I got my scientists
to just breed livestock
352
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,680
to grow sneakers instead of feet.
353
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,760
That's my new Yeezy Boost 875.
354
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,920
Size ten-and-a-half, almost done.
355
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,720
Clip those off and boom,
ready to go.
356
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,200
Holy crickets!
357
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,000
You got giraffes too?
358
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,080
Yeah, that's high-tops.
359
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,200
GIRAFFE SQUEALS
360
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,360
I didn't know giraffes could scream.
361
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,800
I like you.
When I'm next president,
362
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,200
you can be secretary of pants
and accessories.
363
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:44,480
I appreciate it.
364
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,680
I just got one question now,
365
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:50,400
them steers mind terribly
when you cut off their feet?
366
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,000
Na, they love it.
367
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,640
We stick 'em on skateboards.
368
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,800
WHEELS RATTLE
COW MOOS
369
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,240
David, I've had a brilliant idea.
370
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:04,160
A new musical
of the live-action Lion King.
371
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,520
But there's already
a stage production.
372
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,080
That was of the cartoon.
373
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,200
This would be of
the live-action film.
374
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,800
Right, how would it be different?
375
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:15,120
Well, the main difference is
there would be real lions on stage.
376
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,440
But how would you stop them going
into the audience and eating them?
377
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:20,200
Why can't you ever
bring me solutions?
378
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,840
All you ever bring me is problems.
379
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,200
Elton, I'm sorry.
I'll make it happen.
380
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:28,320
Hmph!
381
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:31,120
LIONS ROAR
SCREAMING
382
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,800
That's the first opening night
383
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,920
the critics have been savaged
by the cast.
384
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,720
Shut up, David!
You've ruined my dream...
385
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:38,760
again.
386
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:48,360
Once upon a time,
there was a town called Hamelin.
387
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:51,280
People, we all know
we have a rodent problem,
388
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:53,880
but I propose
we deal with it humanely.
389
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:57,160
After all, rats have rights too.
390
00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:00,560
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
391
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,760
I'd like to introduce you
to the Pied Piper.
392
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,160
He's going to lure the rats away
without harm
393
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,840
using a penny whistle.
394
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,440
Hi, guys. Loving the vibe.
395
00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:13,280
This is crazy. There's only
one sure way to deal with rats -
396
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:15,360
get some shotguns and shoot them.
397
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:18,520
No, we're going with Rupert
and his penny whistle.
398
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:22,040
CRYING
399
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,040
Our children!
400
00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:26,560
The Pied Piper took our children!
401
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:31,160
If you got a rat problem,
go for the guy with the gun.
402
00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:35,240
The National Rifle Association -
the voice of reason!
403
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:44,400
Now, over here I'm excavating
404
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:48,280
my thousand-foot wide
meditation crater.
405
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,560
Gonna have aromatherapy,
sonic waves,
406
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,080
and most important,
the parabolic surface
407
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:56,560
will project my thoughts and ideas
into the universe.
408
00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:00,280
Well, saddle my chicken,
you're an independent thinker.
409
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:04,560
That's Wyoming speak for
rich folks what's gone ding-dong.
410
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,120
Not so fast, partner.
411
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,160
You the sheriff round these parts?
412
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,120
No, I'm from
the Environmental Protection Agency
413
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,840
in Washington DC.
A Federale!
414
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:20,400
Mr West, you haven't filed
the requisite paperwork
415
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,560
to commence construction
on this so-called
416
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:25,440
"cosmic thought
vibration projector."
417
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,880
I didn't come to Wyoming to listen
to some jackbooted federal agent.
418
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,280
Nice jackboots, by the way.
419
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:34,720
Thanks, that means something
coming from you.
420
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,240
Look, it's purely a formality.
421
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,080
Just sign this form saying you
won't harm any bison or antelope.
422
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,200
I'm gonna cut their feet off.
Is that OK?
423
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:43,520
That's fine.
424
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,800
One small signature
and I'm on my way.
425
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,440
Sorry, can't do it.
426
00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:48,920
# Can't see my way through it
427
00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,360
# Now that I'm a westerner
living on a... a... #
428
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:52,880
What do you call it?
429
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:54,000
A ranch.
430
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,440
Damn! I was hoping it would rhyme
with westerner.
431
00:19:56,440 --> 00:20:00,000
Anyway, I gotta stand up
for my conservative principles,
432
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:03,640
building a solar-powered, nudist,
vegan meditation crater.
433
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:06,960
No liberal Washington EPA's
gonna shut me down.
434
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,920
Get the fuck off my land!
435
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,360
Namaste.
436
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:13,000
You're asking for big trouble,
hombre.
437
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,280
If it's a showdown you want,
438
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,520
it's a throw-down you got.
Bessie!
439
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:18,880
Roll him off the ranch.
440
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,320
Er...
441
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,320
Wait, wait!
442
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,280
Well, Michelle Obama blew you off
443
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,760
and I had to listen to
Quentin Tarantino.
444
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,480
It's been a shit night!
445
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,760
I'm not giving up.
446
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,920
I want you to distract
Michelle Obama
447
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,920
so I can present that award
to LeBron.
448
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:40,720
Then, when everyone's fooled,
I reveal it's me,
449
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,640
they'll hand me that role
on a plate!
450
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:43,880
Brilliant!
451
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,920
But how do I distract Michelle?
452
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,120
I don't know, with witty
conversation... or something.
453
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:50,600
Or something.
454
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,240
Hm.
455
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,400
SHE SCREAMS
456
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,400
Don't worry, Michelle,
we're trying to save your movie.
457
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,200
Hi, everyone, what a great day.
458
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,120
Joe Biden won
thanks to my endorsement,
459
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:13,120
I've got a glass of my delicious
Whatamana tequila
460
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:16,440
and I'm gonna show you a really fun
pandemic activity
461
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:17,960
everyone is doing.
462
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,880
T-shirt tie-dying.
463
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,320
Let me guess.
464
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:24,520
You thought of a new way to push
your lame-ass clothing line.
465
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:28,040
Kevin, please. I'm just trying
to share something fun.
466
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,640
Now, start by
scrunching up a T-shirt.
467
00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:34,080
You're gonna want to use
a new The Rock brand tee.
468
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:35,200
I knew it!
469
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,040
Kevin, let me show you
just how fun tie-dying is.
470
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,600
Don't you scrunch me!
471
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,200
Well, I am pretty.
472
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:46,680
And so, LeBron,
473
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,280
please accept
this plaque of gratitude.
474
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:50,960
APPLAUSE
475
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,920
Stop applauding this man.
476
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,320
Harry? Oh, I have got to move.
477
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:58,160
This woman is not Michelle Obama.
478
00:21:58,160 --> 00:21:59,760
You have just witnessed
479
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,240
the acting performance
of a lifetime
480
00:22:02,240 --> 00:22:05,120
by my wife, Meghan Markle!
481
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:07,040
GASPS
Even I was fooled!
482
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:08,640
Give us a kiss, love.
483
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,560
You were fantastic.
Get off me!
484
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,280
Wait, you're not Megs. Who are you?
Security.
485
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:15,920
Open fire.
486
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,280
GUNSHOTS
487
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,000
I have my ending.
488
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,720
Harry, you bagged me!
489
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,880
Bloody hell, that was you!
490
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:28,240
Either I'm an idiot or you're
the greatest actress of all time.
491
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,160
Oh, Hairbrains, that is
the sweetest thing you've ever said.
492
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,560
I honestly mean it, Meghan...
493
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:35,080
Sorry to interrupt,
494
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:38,520
could I possibly have
my humanitarian award?
495
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,720
Argh!
496
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:51,760
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