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1
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,760
I know many of you are feeling
pretty cheesed off
2
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,840
about my speech last Saturday
delaying Strictly,
3
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:23,200
but let me reassure you that
this lockdown will be different.
4
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:26,320
We learnt vital lessons last time.
5
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,520
Ergo facto, from midnight tonight,
6
00:00:29,520 --> 00:00:33,640
posting online photos
of your sourdough starter is banned.
7
00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:36,920
Zoom pub quizzes
and comparisons with the Blitz
8
00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,320
will result
in immediate imprisonment.
9
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:43,440
And finally, Joe Wicks
is now punishable by death.
10
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:44,600
GUNSHOT
11
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,320
So remember our three-word slogan,
12
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,880
not my fault.
13
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:54,840
New James Bond auditions,
Harry Styles, take one.
14
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:58,160
A martini, shaken not stirred.
15
00:00:58,160 --> 00:00:59,920
And non-alcoholic.
16
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:01,640
I'm on a detox right now.
17
00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:04,400
Thank you.
I have pretty hands.
18
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:12,080
# Hey, Fauci, you're so fired
You're so fired and then re-hired
19
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:13,440
# Hey, Fauci. #
20
00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,400
Sir, the election results
are coming in.
21
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,120
Shouldn't we be watching TV?
22
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,800
Antifa cut the cable.
23
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:20,760
Or maybe we didn't pay the bill.
24
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,920
Shouldn't you, at least,
be getting some overhyped nonsense
25
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:25,280
from your Twitter feed?
26
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:26,920
Can't. I over-tweeted.
27
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,960
Besides, I've got it in the bag,
everybody's saying it.
28
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:33,160
Look at Jared, he's not worried,
he's cool as a cucumber.
29
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,400
WHEELS RATTLE
30
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:40,240
Plus, if there's any problem, I got
a direct line to the Supreme Court.
31
00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:44,280
'I'm sorry, this number
has been blocked." Huh?
32
00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:46,000
That's been happening to me
a lot lately.
33
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:48,520
For the first time
since becoming Vice President,
34
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:50,400
I'm going to be honest.
35
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,800
You've made a lot of mistakes
and not everyone is voting for you.
36
00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:59,480
Is that possible?
Have I somehow gone wrong?
37
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:04,160
John F Kennedy, did I connect
with the American people like you?
38
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,680
Did I make them understand how big,
truly big, my penis is?
39
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,840
And you, Jim Washlington,
we're so alike.
40
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,680
We both have great hair.
41
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,520
HAIR GROWLS
42
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:19,600
And you,
Major Cheeseburger of Burger Town,
43
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:22,360
my true political hero,
how did I do?
44
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:25,280
Fantastic. You were the greatest.
45
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,320
I knew it! Thanks, Burgy.
46
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:28,680
Are you real, by the way?
47
00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:31,000
Pretty sure you're just insane.
48
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:32,760
One way to find out.
49
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:34,760
I was wrong, I am real!
50
00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:36,000
Argh!
51
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,480
SQUELCHING
52
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:41,640
It's gonna be a great election,
the best election.
53
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,400
Win or lose, there's still time
for me to get to Bolivia.
54
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,800
Michael, you said
you'd take the bins out.
55
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:53,200
Good evening, Sarah.
56
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,320
Well, firstly, let me assure you
57
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,960
the bins remain very much
my priority.
58
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,680
Well, it doesn't look like it.
59
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,600
If I may, they remain my priority.
60
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,320
But what we shouldn't forget
61
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:07,360
is that this household has two
brand-new bins from Argos, a record.
62
00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,120
But the binmen
come tomorrow morning.
63
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:12,280
Well, that's your opinion.
I obviously have my own timeframe.
64
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:14,600
But, Sarah, let me just...
Argh!
65
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,360
Hello, ambulance, please.
I'm badly injured.
66
00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,120
My address? Forgive me,
I'm not going to answer that.
67
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,560
But what I will say is that,
under the Tories,
68
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,320
emergency wait times
have dropped considerably.
69
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,720
HE GROANS
70
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,800
New James Bond auditions,
RuPaul, take one.
71
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,400
Hi, Bondage queens.
72
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:44,000
I am loving this look
and working this look.
73
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,120
Double oh seven. Double oh, my God!
74
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,440
Cut!
75
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,560
Which way to Pussy Galore?
76
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:11,240
Thanks for coming, everyone.
77
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:13,200
Mum, I'm just going to say it,
78
00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,000
we're concerned about the way
the firm is being run.
79
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,120
Fuck off. Where's my sherry?
80
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,480
Damn it!
We're haemorrhaging countries.
81
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,680
Even Barbados
wants out of the monarchy.
82
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,840
And Scotland's
talking about walking.
83
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:26,480
Don't worry about Scotland.
84
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,920
Leaving is their only bargaining
chip now their oil's worth crap.
85
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:33,920
We all think we need younger,
fresher eyes in charge.
86
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,920
The younger the better.
Yah!
87
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,320
Vroom, vroom!
88
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,760
I think what we're saying is
89
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:42,400
we need someone younger, but also
older than the younger ones.
90
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:43,960
That's not what I'm saying.
91
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,280
You've got fresh ideas, Charles.
92
00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:47,840
Lay them on me, then, genius.
93
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,360
Organic crackers.
94
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:51,520
THEY GROAN
Oh, not that again!
95
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:54,440
No, hear me out. This time,
they'll be a lot less crumbly.
96
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,760
Can I jump in? My family sells
party supplies, right?
97
00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:01,000
Will and I are thinking synergy,
royal balloons,
98
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,920
royal confetti,
royal kiddie birthday parties.
99
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:05,080
Erm...
100
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,800
Fresh ideas.
101
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,160
Where's my sherry?
102
00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:12,160
Now, listen,
this is my fucking business
103
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:13,920
and I run it my fucking way.
104
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:16,320
We cut ribbons, we visit hospitals,
105
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,960
we give knighthoods to Asians,
understand?
106
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,160
SLURP
107
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,520
But, Gran, that's two glasses
of sherry in one afternoon.
108
00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,840
SHE SIGHS
109
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:28,840
SHE SNORES
She's in a sherry coma.
110
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,760
Then I have to step up
and run the firm.
111
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,520
I'm in charge!
112
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,840
Well, colonising Mars
was not that great a challenge,
113
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:53,800
not for three intrepid chums
like us.
114
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,760
We have excellent growing conditions
here in the scro-dome.
115
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,480
Yep, there's no fertiliser
like human excrement.
116
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:02,000
Dinner is served.
117
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,640
Hey, we're past November 3rd.
118
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,200
Wasn't something supposed
to happen on Earth?
119
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,680
Right.
120
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,640
The mystery catastrophe
that we came here to escape.
121
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:12,280
I wonder what happened.
122
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,800
Why don't you call that minxy
little songbird of yours?
123
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:18,400
Oh, right, Grimey.
I love her so much.
124
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,640
Probably should have called
her once
125
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:22,920
since we landed on a new planet.
126
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:26,040
SHE PLAYS DISTORTED NOTES
127
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,000
'Mars to Grimey.
128
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,880
'Come in, Grimey.
129
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,200
'It's me, Elon,
the father of your child.'
130
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,720
SMASHING
131
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,920
No answer.
132
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,880
Something really bad
must have happened on Earth.
133
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,920
There's news coming in
on my Kindle Fire,
134
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:44,880
a revolution in communication
starting at only £19.95.
135
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,800
Hi, everyone in space.
136
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,080
Great news, I won the election.
137
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,600
Very hugely won it.
138
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:54,120
Some people might try
to steal it back, though.
139
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:58,120
So Space Force Army, get ready
to shoot down lasers and missiles.
140
00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,840
President out.
141
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:02,960
My God, Trump won.
142
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:06,080
Civilisation will be set back
a thousand years.
143
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:08,760
To a time
when Branson was actually cool.
144
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,400
Yes, we'll need that cheery
good humour to get us through this.
145
00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,440
This is why my future self
warned me to get away.
146
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,240
Which reminds me,
I'll be back in a sec.
147
00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:22,840
And this time, bring the damn
bicycle pump, dumb-ass!
148
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,880
So this is it.
149
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,080
It really was a one-way trip.
150
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,600
Then nothing left to do
but sit back and enjoy the poo pot.
151
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,120
HE INHALES
152
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,800
Actually, there's no pot
in that one.
153
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,480
Dude, just want you to know
that I'm, like,
154
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:47,360
totally Team Charles, always was.
155
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,560
Ah, thanks, man.
I'm super ready for it.
156
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:54,400
A lot of new stuff to learn,
like writing this Christmas speech.
157
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:55,680
What have you got so far?
158
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:57,320
"Hi."
159
00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,640
Let the jerk-offs in publicity
finish it.
160
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,120
Grab your sword,
let's make some knights.
161
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,560
Why am I knighting you?
162
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:09,800
I'm 100 years old and
I raised £50 million for charity.
163
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,200
Cool story.
164
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:15,800
I now pronounce you
Sir Thomas of, er...
165
00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,120
Oh, shit!
166
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,200
No big deal, first-time jitters.
167
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,840
We regroup, we go again.
You the man.
168
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,320
I the man.
169
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:31,440
Enough fun meddling in election,
time for business.
170
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,520
I am very impressed by you.
171
00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:37,520
You cause pain and suffering,
crash world economies,
172
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:41,400
destabilise governments
and kill people with no mercy.
173
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,800
You're like me, but cuter.
174
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:48,560
Let's just say I've found
the Russian people very welcoming.
175
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,000
Comrade, let me cut to the chase.
176
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,040
I want you to be
Russian Prime Minister.
177
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,840
I am President.
178
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:56,760
Every five years, we switch jobs,
179
00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,800
but I am always in charge.
180
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,800
Interesting. What's in it for me?
181
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,400
Oh, the best Russia has to offer,
182
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,360
state-of-art Russian video recorder.
183
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,240
It uses magnetic tape.
184
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:11,720
Great breakthrough.
185
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:16,240
Or latest Russian smartphone,
stores up to two numbers.
186
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,160
Game included.
187
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,560
Mr Putin,
I thought you were a serious man.
188
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:22,920
I am serious.
189
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,000
This is serious negotiation.
190
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,160
So, let's get started on vodka.
191
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:32,280
Made in spiritual home of vodka,
Colchester.
192
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,320
HE CHUCKLES
Enough!
193
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,080
I've already been offered a job
and I'm gonna take it.
194
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:40,760
What job? I'm replacing James Corden
on his chat show.
195
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,480
Really?
Yes.
196
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,080
They were looking for someone
kinder, warmer,
197
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,280
and fundamentally less appalling.
198
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,560
Hmm. So horrible, evil,
soulless James Corden
199
00:09:50,560 --> 00:09:53,400
is out of work and available?
200
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:57,320
Wow! Vladimir Putin, oh, my God!
201
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,400
You're a legend, mate.
202
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,360
How cool is this office?
203
00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,640
Oh, my God, a Betamax.
204
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,760
A-mazing!
205
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:07,640
Wow! Is that your umbrella?
206
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:10,280
Wow!
207
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:12,920
And it had a poison tip.
208
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,000
Incredible!
209
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,680
Oh, well, the search goes on.
210
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,840
Another successful night
for Foxman.
211
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:25,640
I resolved a potentially deadly
dispute between two neighbours
212
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:29,400
by helping them correctly interpret
a Section 106 planning obligation.
213
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:33,480
Someone appreciates your work, sir.
You've received an anonymous gift.
214
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:38,280
Rubbish, trash,
half-eaten leftovers.
215
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,400
Someone knows how to spoil the Fox.
216
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,000
Home-made jam,
217
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,760
and it's got a lovely sheen.
218
00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,440
Wait, sir, it might be a trap.
219
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,600
It's not jam!
220
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:54,200
It's the one substance
that can destroy Foxman...
221
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,760
Corbynite!
222
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,640
Drifting too far left.
223
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,720
Obsessing about Israel.
224
00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:02,640
Electability dying.
225
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,280
Sir, what should I do?
226
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:06,360
Only one antidote to Corbynite...
227
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:07,760
Blairite!
228
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,600
To the Blair phone.
229
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:16,840
People forget how popular
these were.
230
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,360
'A new dawn has broken, has it not?
231
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,840
'Education, education and education.
232
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:27,120
'She was the people's princess.'
233
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,480
My fox powers have returned
stronger than ever.
234
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,760
In fact, let's invade somewhere.
235
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,680
I'll prepare the dossier.
236
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,680
New James Bond auditions,
Oprah, take one.
237
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,640
Why are you here, Mr Bond?
238
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:43,600
To bring fresh garden vegetables
and love.
239
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,080
Market day!
Cut!
240
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,640
I say cut, dear.
241
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,200
Ah, the perfect crumble.
242
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,120
Next we attack the tawny port
and plum jam market.
243
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,320
Yah.
244
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:57,760
SHE MUMBLES
245
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,600
I'll jam your plums!
246
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:01,840
She came out of her sherry coma.
247
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,240
What the fuck have you done
to my business?
248
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,440
I've sold a damn sight more
ginger chutney than you ever did.
249
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:10,120
I the man.
Well, I'm back in charge.
250
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,440
Wait, the dogs.
251
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,920
While I was out, did you walk them?
No.
252
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,680
But so what
if they piss on the rug?
253
00:12:15,680 --> 00:12:17,160
You idiot!
254
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:20,600
They're royal corgis. They're
trained never to pee indoors.
255
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,560
HE SPLUTTERS
256
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:28,200
Ah!
257
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:30,560
Legal trouble got you down?
258
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,320
I'm Kim Kardashian West,
259
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:33,720
kriminal defence attorney,
260
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,400
and I'm here for you.
261
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:38,240
Whether you accidentally on purpose
leaked your own sex tape...
262
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,720
PASSIONATE MOANING AND GROANING
263
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,880
..or had a disagreement
with your sister on national TV...
264
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,920
..or maybe killed someone,
I'm not here to judge.
265
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:49,560
That's his job.
266
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,560
All I care about
is bringing you justice
267
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,440
and making a super-awesome
documentary about me doing it.
268
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,640
Kim gave me excellent legal advice
269
00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:58,600
about signing this waiver
of privacy.
270
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,000
And now you're in the documentary.
271
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,360
Kim explained
I better not start any more fires
272
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,240
after she got me out of jail.
That would be terrible...
273
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:07,880
for my brand.
Huh?
274
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,760
Kim refused to work for me
275
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,160
because my facial hair
looks guilty on camera.
276
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:15,760
No-one feels sorry for sideburns,
that's bad TV.
277
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,080
I'm Kim and I'll take your case.
278
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,040
Because I care... about me.
279
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,880
Keeping up with the Kourtroom, baby!
280
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:23,440
K&K out!
281
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,000
EXPLOSION
282
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:31,040
FIREWORKS BANG AND SQUEAL
283
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,960
Why are there all these
small explosions?
284
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,040
Are they human larvae
popping from their growth pods?
285
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:39,440
No, it's Bonfire Night,
people are sending up rockets.
286
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,360
Ah, that is an inefficient use
of rocket fuel.
287
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:45,480
They should send one big rocket
to Jupiter's moon, Lysithea,
288
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,960
where the minerals are plentiful
and sweet...
289
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,600
according to a podcast.
290
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,960
Well, it's a bit of fun
for the kids, really,
291
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,760
and a celebration of the fact
they caught Guy Fawkes.
292
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,480
What is a Guy Fawkes?
293
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:58,720
Oh, don't play dumb, Dom.
294
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,920
He put a load of gunpowder under
Parliament and tried to blow it up.
295
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,200
Say that again.
296
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,320
He didn't agree with Parliament
so he tried to blow it up.
297
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,960
No wonder he is celebrated
so highly.
298
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:17,000
Well, no, it's more the fact
that he got disembowelled
299
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,720
and ripped into pieces.
300
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,800
So, hypothetically,
if I were to blow up Parliament,
301
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,240
would that happen to me?
302
00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,920
No, no, no,
I wouldn't even sack you.
303
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,320
Too right, you wouldn't.
304
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,800
I'm sorry, Mother,
but you leave me no choice.
305
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,600
I've organised a hostile takeover
306
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,200
in partnership with
a giant international consortium.
307
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:43,920
I'm very excited to be part
of this historic merger.
308
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,680
Jesus, you're selling us out
to China?!
309
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,040
It's not that big a step.
Check your crown.
310
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:51,080
Ah...
311
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:52,400
There's nothing you can do.
312
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,080
I've the votes of the board
behind me.
313
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:55,520
We don't vote.
314
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,000
I'm the Queen.
315
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:01,520
Perhaps you forgot,
this is a constitutional monarchy.
316
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,280
You're a constitutional fuckwit.
317
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,920
All those in favour of selling
the thousand-year tradition
318
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,480
of British monarchy to
a Chinese despot, raise your hand.
319
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:16,760
No, you don't.
320
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:18,360
'Fraid you lose, Charles.
321
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,360
Damn it!
Xi said I could be king of China.
322
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:25,480
No, I said you could run the King
Of China restaurant in Cleethorpes.
323
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:26,840
The offer is still open.
324
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,480
Can it sell organic crackers?
325
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,240
The offer is now closed.
326
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,800
Oh!
OK, vote done, I'm Queen,
327
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:33,960
everybody fuck off.
328
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:36,120
I like your authoritarian style.
329
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,120
I have another merger proposal.
330
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,600
I have pangolins, you have corgis,
331
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,480
how about we cross-breed them?
332
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,280
Hmm, a pangolorgi?
333
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:49,720
Well, at least it would be more
intelligent that these shitheads.
334
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:53,640
What are you up to now, Dom?
335
00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,920
Collecting gunpowder
to blow up Parliament?
336
00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:00,360
Don't be ridiculous,
gunpowder is ancient technology.
337
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,200
I am collecting lithium batteries.
338
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,560
May I borrow your mobile?
339
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:05,760
Will I get it back?
340
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,040
If not, what are the consequences?
341
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,320
None.
342
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,120
James Bond is a spy.
343
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,080
What a terrible guy.
344
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,880
No, stupid, God!
345
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:20,080
Why did I agree to write the theme
song for the new James Bond movie?
346
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,360
I don't get him.
I'm younger than 9/11.
347
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,400
SHE CACKLES
Don't worry, Billie, I'll 'elp ya!
348
00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:30,200
I went through exactly the same
fucking thing with Skyfall.
349
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:34,600
GUNSHOT
350
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,400
# In the old days
351
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,200
# It was easy
352
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:47,480
# Almost no emotion
A scuba tank explosion
353
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,760
# A sexy cigarette
354
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,960
# Some boobs in silhouette
355
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:56,600
# And then you sing
The title three times
356
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:04,720
# Sing the title three times
357
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,320
# A sky enough to die
358
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,080
# Who knows what it means?
359
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:13,040
# Just sing it two more times
360
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,400
# A sky enough to die
361
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:21,480
# A sky enough to die
362
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:27,080
# But it's so much harder now
363
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:30,280
# How to make Bond seem progressive
364
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:34,160
# Not a creepy sex obsessive
365
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:40,240
# Cos there's nothing very pleasing
366
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:46,040
# About venereal diseasing
367
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:51,320
# It's a movie for dads
368
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:57,120
# But the theme must be sung
By the trendy and the young
369
00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:03,440
# So we will make it so sad
370
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,560
# Play the piano really slow
371
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,520
# And sing it soprano
372
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:12,600
# And imply his childhood traumas
373
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:16,120
# Now James Bond is so sad
374
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:17,480
HE SOBS
375
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:25,440
# Apologies to your dad. #
376
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,080
It was better with Sean Connery.
377
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,960
Still, glad they kept the boobs.
378
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,200
SLURPING
379
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,280
DOM GROANS
380
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,600
Dom, how's the plan
to blow up Parliament coming along?
381
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,720
Exceedingly poorly.
382
00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,520
I need a drink.
383
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:46,160
SLURPING
384
00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:48,280
Ah...!
385
00:18:55,040 --> 00:18:58,560
Little Red Riding Hood
was off to see her granny.
386
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:02,320
But though her mummy had told her
to stick to the main path,
387
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,760
she decided to take a shortcut.
388
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,520
Hello, little girl.
389
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,480
What's in your basket?
390
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:13,680
A Glock nine-millimetre with modular
optic slide and reversible magazine.
391
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:15,520
Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, kid.
392
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,200
Let's just keep it polite.
393
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,320
You've taught me
an important lesson.
394
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:22,560
In fact, I'm going back to school
and getting a job.
395
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,960
The National Rifle Association,
396
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,400
making everyone's life better.
397
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,160
Mum?
398
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,520
Mum!
399
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,000
She's gone!
400
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,320
Like fuck I am.
401
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:47,080
I had myself uploaded to the cloud.
402
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,560
I'm going to run this business
forever.
403
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,240
SHE CACKLES
404
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,000
CORGI WHIMPERS
405
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,840
Oh, stop crying!
406
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:03,320
Kia ora! Another practically
perfect day in New Zealand.
407
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:07,120
Yes, Jacinda, except for this
bit of arthritis in my knee.
408
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,080
We can't have that.
409
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,640
But thanks to recent legislation,
we have a solution.
410
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,920
# With every joint
That seems to ache
411
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,000
# There is an option you can take
412
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,000
# We passed, you see
413
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:22,080
# A law for you and me
414
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:27,480
# A spot of euthanasia
Helps the elderly go down
415
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:31,160
# The wobbly go down
The knobbly go down
416
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:35,520
# A spot of euthanasia
Keeps the health bill way down
417
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:38,360
# In a cost-effective way. #
418
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:40,880
Actually, my knee's fine.
419
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,280
Best to be sure.
420
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,800
New James Bond auditions,
James Corden, take one.
421
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,760
Oh, my God!
422
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:51,120
I'm auditioning for James Bond!
423
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:53,320
The greatest! The coolest!
424
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,880
The best spy in the world!
425
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,680
The legend. Wow!
426
00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,320
Unbelievable!
427
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:00,640
GUNSHOT
428
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:02,000
GROANING
429
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,960
# He'll be flipping up
Some flap-joes when he comes
430
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,600
# Da-da-da... #
431
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,000
Joe, why aren't you at
headquarters?
432
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:16,200
Well, I am, right between
the griddle and the fryer.
433
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,920
Hey, can I get you started
on a Lumber-Joe Special?
434
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,880
It's like a Lumberjack Special
except I make it.
435
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,760
He's been cooking all night.
436
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:26,560
Gotta catch up on these orders.
That's the phone book, Joe.
437
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,680
Did you tell him
the election results?
438
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,640
At his age, you've gotta
break news like that gently.
439
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:35,200
I only just told him the Dodgers won
the World Series.
440
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:37,280
So great for Brooklyn.
441
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:40,120
Er, yeah, I'm going to tell him.
442
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,680
What? Before he's finished
making breakfast?
443
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:44,440
You are fucking mental.
444
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,520
Adele, what are you doing here?
445
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:48,520
Lady Gaga said his eggs were...
446
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,720
# Whoa, whoa. #
447
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,480
I'll get some going for you.
448
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,840
CHICKEN SQUAWKS
449
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,880
Joe, you won.
450
00:21:56,880 --> 00:22:00,520
Fantastic. Who's getting
a super-scrambled Biden hash?
451
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,480
Er, I guess the whole nation.
452
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,560
# Whoa, whoa, whoa! #
453
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,520
I lost!
Mayor Cheeseburger lied!
454
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,760
How could he lie
when he's so delicious?
455
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,760
Hey, where are you going, asshole?
456
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,760
Hey, man, I got a job
on Fox & Friends.
457
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,000
SQUELCHING
458
00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,960
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