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HE HUMS
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00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:20,360
HE GROANS
3
00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:21,920
This one's on Manchester!
4
00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,840
And this one's for hungry kids!
5
00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,040
Hello, people of Wales.
6
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,040
WELSH ACCENT: What's occurring?
7
00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:35,280
As Prince of you,
I want to say how sorry I am
8
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,040
that Wales has been placed
into total lockdown.
9
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,520
I know how trapped one can feel,
10
00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:43,720
confined to just the four walls
of one's giant palace.
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00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:45,000
But the good news is,
12
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,800
there's still plenty of ways
to have fun in your giant palace.
13
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:53,000
Like indoor fox hunting.
Release the foxes!
14
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,440
FOXES SQUEAL
15
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,360
Take that, you little shit.
16
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,680
Oh, and don't forget
to blood your grandson.
17
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,000
HE MUTTERS
18
00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:12,440
OK, that's it.
Brexit talks are done, end of.
19
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:15,920
Finissimus Maximus.
No more negotiations.
20
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:19,320
Right, who wants to go to Paris
for another round of negotiations?
21
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:20,960
Not me.
SHE HISSES
22
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,840
There's too much garlic.
23
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,560
Well, I'm all talked out
from dealing with Burnham
24
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,360
and those bastard northerners.
25
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,000
Govey, why don't you go to Paris?
26
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,120
Me? A naive young laddie
from Aberdeen...
27
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:33,640
ROMANTIC ACCORDION MUSIC
28
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:37,320
..going to the fabled city of light
and discovering croissants,
29
00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:41,560
a workable trade agreement
and love?
30
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,640
Just trying to help the mood.
31
00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:48,520
I'll go and stand behind the plant.
32
00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:50,520
Hello, Instagram, it's me.
33
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Govey in Paris.
34
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# C'est Govey en Paris
C'est Govey en Paris
35
00:01:56,600 --> 00:02:00,760
# C'est Govey en Paris
Le petit merde
36
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,800
# Le petit merde est arrive
37
00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,600
# C'est Govey
Le petit merde... #
38
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:09,160
OMG!
39
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,880
It's everything I dreamed of.
Could I get a latte?
40
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,600
Parlez en francais.
41
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,640
Luckily I have a translation app
developed by Nigel Farage.
42
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:20,600
Could I get a latte?
43
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:24,200
'Where is my milky coffee,
you French wanker?'
44
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:30,520
Govey, is that you?
Govey in Paris?
45
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:34,240
Emmanuel Macron,
the sexiest leader in Europe.
46
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,960
Paris agrees with you,
you look so young and fresh.
47
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:40,840
Usually not my thing.
What are you doing here?
48
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:44,720
I came to discuss
the trade agreement and find love.
49
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,760
Then perhaps we should have dinner.
50
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,080
Oh, sounds wonderful.
51
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,760
'If I have to,
you big-nosed French twat.'
52
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:57,000
I am thrilled to be here
in Conklin, Iowa.
53
00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,760
Home of the famous
Conklin County corn dogs.
54
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,480
Have another one.
55
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:04,880
Oh, you shouldn't have.
But I'm glad you did.
56
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,800
The best thing about Conklin
is its legendary wishing well.
57
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:13,080
They say no candidate ever won Iowa
without making a wish in this well.
58
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,720
Ow!
Boo!
59
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:19,320
He's his own worst enemy.
He always blows the easy ones.
60
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,360
But there's some things
you can't wish away,
61
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:22,800
things that I plan to solve
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00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,400
when I become America's
next white president.
63
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,080
Reminds me of a story
Barack Obama told me.
64
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,440
He said, "Joe, I'm running
a little late to our meeting,
65
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,160
"but I'm on my way."
66
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,040
That was considerate, man.
67
00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:39,240
We'd win for sure if he could just
shut up until election day.
68
00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:40,680
But hey, I'm a problem solver.
69
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,000
I once found my wife
hiding behind a tree.
70
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,200
She said she was just setting up
a picnic,
71
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,600
but I've played
hide-and-seek before.
72
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:51,200
Women want you to catch 'em,
even when they look scared.
73
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,000
Argh!
74
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,520
Are you all right, sir?
75
00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:57,240
Oh, fine, fine.
76
00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,080
But how's anyone gonna hear
my speech?
77
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:03,040
It's all wet and echoey in here,
like singing in the shower.
78
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,000
Now I want to mention,
while I'm on the subject
79
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,560
that I think shower sex
is overrated.
80
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,840
So, our presidential candidate
is alive...
81
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,640
Right.
..but no-one can hear him talk.
82
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,080
Right!
So what do we do?
83
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,720
Relax and have a corn dog.
84
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:20,440
In honour of her work bringing
clean water around the globe,
85
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:24,000
the philanthropy award goes to...
Adele!
86
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,520
FANFARE,
APPLAUSE
87
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:28,920
I'm honoured.
88
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,520
But the real winners
are the selfless workers
89
00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,440
at my charity, Irrigate Not Hate.
90
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,080
And the real loser is you
91
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:38,880
of around 90 pounds,
that's the real achievement.
92
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:40,200
How do you do it?
93
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:43,000
I'd rather talk about bringing
clean water to children.
94
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:46,680
Yes, talk about how that led
to your losing 90 pounds.
95
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,960
Er, it didn't.
Then don't talk about it.
96
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,880
Can I just do my fucking
acceptance speech? Course.
97
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:55,680
Body acceptance is so important.
Not that you need it, you're thin.
98
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,600
Right, eat this, you big twat.
99
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,520
Argh!
100
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,760
So strong! Yet so skinny.
101
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:07,800
# C'est Govey en Paris
C'est Govey en Paris... #
102
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:13,040
We want the same things,
frictionless trade.
103
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,480
Cooperational law enforcement
and defence.
104
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:17,720
And broad alignment on standards.
105
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,640
So there's nothing to argue about.
106
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:23,520
It seems we have an entente
that is more than cordial.
107
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,320
SLURPING
108
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,320
Oi, Gove, you mug!
109
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:33,080
I'm a British fish caught
by a bleeding Frenchman.
110
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,520
What are you gonna do about it?
111
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,400
Emmanuel, is what
this fish says true?
112
00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:42,320
Yes, but so what? Fishing accounts
for less than 0.1% of your GDP.
113
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:46,120
It's about British sovereignty.
We don't pilfer your fucking snails.
114
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:50,640
I'm sorry, Emmanuel,
I thought Paris would change me.
115
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:51,840
But maybe in my heart,
116
00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,840
I want to stick to pointless rules
for no good reason.
117
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:57,320
No more negotiations.
118
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:01,720
This is the end of Govey in Paris.
119
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,040
#sadface.
120
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,080
Are you sure about this?
121
00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,600
I've never been so sure
about anything in my life.
122
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:11,760
OK, shall we meet
same time tomorrow?
123
00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:13,160
See you then.
124
00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:16,600
# C'est Govey en Paris
C'est Govey en Paris. #
125
00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,920
I don't understand.
126
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,160
The Americans are the ones
who called for this meeting
127
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,800
here on our Himalayan border.
128
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:31,400
Yet Jared Kushner, their
loud-mouthed negotiator, is late.
129
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,600
Patience, Mr Secretary.
130
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:37,320
I'm sure he's making every effort
to get here as soon as he can.
131
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,120
HE GROANS
132
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:48,160
Hey, everybody, it's me, Ivanka.
Himala-yas queen!
133
00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,040
Jared and I are rushing
to stop a diplomatic crisis
134
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,800
between two nuclear powers,
via the scenic route.
135
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,720
Nature's grandeur is so humbling.
136
00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:02,120
What better place to rock a
Christian Louboutin stiletto pump?
137
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:04,200
SHE SCREAMS
138
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:10,000
Hi, Instagram, small setback there.
139
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,560
But life goes on,
except for the goat I landed on.
140
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:18,040
Anyway, through sheer force of will,
Jared and I are almost at the top.
141
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,280
SHERPA GROANS
142
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,720
Unfortunately,
my skin is very dry up here
143
00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:27,280
and I bought the wrong lotion.
144
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,160
This is for ankles,
I need it for elbows.
145
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,920
Babu, would you mind making
a quick sidetrack to Paris?
146
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,600
We're ten minutes from the top.
147
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,800
Then I'm glad we got this sorted out
before we arrived.
148
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,200
Hm.
149
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,960
HE GROANS AND SPLUTTERS
150
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,000
My husband,
he's having a heart attack!
151
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,840
Stand back!
Adele?
152
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:54,360
In between winning Grammys
and awards for philanthropy,
153
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,000
I've also been training as a doctor.
154
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,800
Live, live.
155
00:07:57,800 --> 00:07:59,480
HE COUGHS
156
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,920
Oh, my God, that's incredible.
That you're alive?
157
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:04,920
No, that you're so thin.
158
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,480
How did you lose all that weight?
Erm...
159
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,600
Maybe by doing this?
160
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,480
That's it. Everyone do it.
161
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:18,280
Oh, fuck off!
I can feel myself getting thinner.
162
00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:22,400
I just want to thank you
for these amazing decisions
163
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,000
that went against us.
Wow! What a game.
164
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,120
I thought we were beating Everton,
165
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:31,200
then the goal was taken away on VAR
for no obvious reason.
166
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,000
Ha ha! Amazing twist.
167
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,960
So dramatic. What a joy
for all the fans that hate us.
168
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,320
PHONE CHIMES
169
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:41,200
My Twitter is going crazy.
"Go fuck yourself, Jurgen."
170
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,360
Wow, ha ha! A great new challenge.
171
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,080
OK, how will I do this?
172
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:48,880
Hm. One leg goes here,
and the other leg...
173
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,560
Argh! I broke my nose on the ground.
174
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:53,480
Amazing, wow!
175
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,360
How you doing down there,
Mr Biden?
176
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,080
Oh, good, good.
177
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:04,120
Hey, how's that rescue coming?
I've been down here for 20 minutes.
178
00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:05,920
It's been three days, sir.
179
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,400
Oh, I've been in tougher scrapes
than this.
180
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:10,720
I remember two kids
went up to a well,
181
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:14,240
one fell down, broke his crown,
serious head injury.
182
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:18,120
And that's why Barack and I created
the Affordable Care Act
183
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:22,680
for kids like Jack and Jill,
if she needs an abortion, or wants.
184
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:24,520
See, I'm learning.
185
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,280
This has been the best three days
of the campaign.
186
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,960
No-one can hear his gaffes,
people love his can-do spirit.
187
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,880
That Joe's a tough bastard.
188
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:35,640
If I was gonna get off my ass
to vote, I'd vote for him.
189
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,320
Hey, Mr Biden assistant,
190
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,520
y'all want me to loan you
a rope ladder?
191
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,240
Well, yes, we're considering that.
192
00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:43,760
Safety is paramount,
we don't want to rush this.
193
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,600
Yes, and whatever method we use,
194
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,840
should reflect the dignity of
the office for which he is running.
195
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:51,080
I'm standing in frog shit!
196
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,520
And everyone respects you for it,
sir.
197
00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,640
This summit is pointless,
we agree on nothing.
198
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,160
I agree.
Well, I don't!
199
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:03,880
What does our loud-mouthed
American negotiator have to say?
200
00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:08,760
Perhaps he's waiting
to hear from us.
201
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:10,200
Americans never listen.
202
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,120
They just yak on about
how great they are
203
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,720
because they invented peanut butter
and jazz.
204
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,360
I like jazz.
No-one likes jazz.
205
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,360
How can we have
an honest negotiation
206
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,520
if you're going to say
obvious bullshit?
207
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:22,960
Eat prayer wheel!
208
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,800
THEY GRUNT
209
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,320
GONG
210
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,480
The American is right.
211
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,600
This is a place of peace
and understanding.
212
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,120
Let us talk as friends.
213
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:42,080
Joe Biden continues to soar
in the polls,
214
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:44,160
as his aides debate the best way
215
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,640
to extract him
from his watery predicament.
216
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,480
Typical government incompetence.
217
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,680
Removing a presidential candidate
from a well
218
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,280
is the kind of problem
I was put on this earth to solve.
219
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,160
Sandy, where's my boring machine?
220
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,160
'It's drilling a private tunnel
from your house
221
00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:58,480
'to your favourite Taco Bell.'
222
00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:00,840
Have it continue on to Iowa.
223
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:04,600
Sure, I got problems, but do you
know who else is underwater?
224
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,720
America's small business owners.
225
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,080
Great stuff, sir.
226
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,960
And good news, Elon Musk is
on his way with his boring machine.
227
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,200
Sounds exciting.
I'll keep a sharp eye out.
228
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,920
RUMBLING
229
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,720
It's me, Elon Musk,
I'm here to save you.
230
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:24,160
WHIRRING
231
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,160
Technical problem.
We'll patch it up.
232
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:32,120
Out of yoghurt. Damn.
233
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,360
Easily fixed.
234
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,000
There, perfectly curdled.
235
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,280
While Jared is working
on world peace,
236
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,520
it's time for me
to wow the malnourished,
237
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,280
dirt-poor craftswomen
of this Himalayan dump.
238
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,880
Look at those adorable
ethnic outfits.
239
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,080
Argh!
Don't be scared.
240
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,840
It's me, Ivanka Trump.
241
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:06,120
I thought you were a yeti. Only
the yeti wears white in the snow.
242
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,400
He uses camouflage
to surprise his victims.
243
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,960
Very gruesome. But that's
evolutionary biology for you.
244
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:15,920
Oh, that fabric is so silky.
What's it made of?
245
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,480
Silk.
Oh, my gosh.
246
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:22,400
Ivanka idea. Oh, it's coming.
Ooh, it's here.
247
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:26,640
What if we partner for an indigenous
women's fashion collective?
248
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:27,880
What's a collective?
249
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,520
I collect your clothes
250
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:32,040
and sell them in America
for ten times the price.
251
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:34,280
Supporting third-world women
252
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,600
would totally restore my cred
with the New York elite.
253
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:40,240
Sorry, Miss Ivanka,
but we place no value on wealth.
254
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:43,400
And only a small value on "cred".
255
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,840
But it's win-win. You get money,
I get cred and I get money.
256
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,560
We make our clothes because it
brings us inner peace and outerwear.
257
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:54,320
Inner peace? I bet I could
market the hell out of that.
258
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,520
Inner Peace by Ivanka.
259
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:57,800
PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC
260
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,720
# Ivanka. #
261
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:06,160
So, after a truly inspirational day,
I'm headed back to Jared.
262
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,480
GROWLING,
SHE SCREAMS
263
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,720
SHE GROANS
264
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,640
TAPPING
265
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,080
# Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet
266
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:31,040
# Isn't Twitter neat, neat?
267
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:35,200
# Breaking news, funny jokes
Sending love to all your folks
268
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:39,000
# You've got it wrong
You silly birds
269
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:44,560
# Cos everyone
On Twitter is a turd
270
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,920
BIRDS CHIRPING
271
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,600
# 280 characters
And everyone's a snowflake
272
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:58,480
# Prince Andrew doesn't sweat
That's the very latest hot take
273
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:02,720
# The death threats from the incels
Come from all around the globe
274
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:06,560
# Oh, look, another writer
Is a massive transphobe
275
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,960
# You tweet something innocent like
"I like weekends"
276
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,840
# A million people answer back
"Hey, that tweet offends
277
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:18,080
# "It's insensitive to people
Who have no friends"
278
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:19,760
# I hope you still like weekends
279
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,960
# When your career ends
You're cancelled!
280
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:25,360
# This platform is making
A shit world shitter
281
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:29,640
# That's it, we are done
We are leaving Twitter
282
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,400
# Goodbye to the reply guys
The performatively woke cries
283
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,920
# The can't take the joke bros
The rewrite your joke hos
284
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,640
# The snitch-tagging jerks
And the tweet-stealing berks
285
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:44,480
# The mouth-breathing pussies
The pussy-grabbing wussies
286
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,400
# The mansplainer dicks
The dick-pic-sending pricks
287
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:52,560
# Get your wieners out my DMs, boy
Hashtag this
288
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:58,400
# Tweet, tweet, tweet
Your post has been retweeted most
289
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:02,640
# Your hot take is about to win
Don't you want to log back in? #
290
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,320
TWEET ALERTS
291
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,240
Ow!
Argh!
292
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:10,280
# I said that I would leave
But then I came right back
293
00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:14,120
# I love, love, love
To be a self-promoting hack
294
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,960
# I'm just gonna quickly call
Someone a paedo
295
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:21,960
# Here's a major spoiler
From your favourite TV show
296
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:25,200
# Who cares if Twitter gives you
An awful world view
297
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:29,160
# We will never, ever, ever, ever
Ever quit you. #
298
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,920
TAPPING
299
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,120
It would be wrong to confirm
300
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,520
a Supreme Court judge
in an election year.
301
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:42,320
It's OK to confirm a judge
ten seconds before the election.
302
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,720
President Obama is a lame duck.
303
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:49,160
President Trump is a strong duck
with big, flappy wings.
304
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,200
There is no rush.
305
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,720
Go, go, wee!
306
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,120
The President is not above the law.
307
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:59,200
The President IS the law.
He-he-he-he!
308
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,840
I never flip-flop.
I love the flip-flop.
309
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,720
The dress is white and gold.
The dress is blue and black!
310
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,760
I heard Laurel.
I heard Yanny.
311
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,000
TURKEY GOBBLING
312
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:10,680
One thing will never change,
313
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:13,120
my respect for the dignity
of the Senate.
314
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,840
There are no rules!
315
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,280
SNORING
316
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,600
Huh?
317
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,960
Fuck me sideways! Aliens!
318
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,840
We come in peace.
Our species has been monitoring
319
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:28,760
your Earth news broadcasts
for many years.
320
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,360
But lately, we noticed all
they ever talk about is one thing.
321
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,480
Is it about how much weight
I've lost? Yes, it's incredible.
322
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,120
And your skin isn't even baggy.
323
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,640
'king hell.
324
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,360
We have travelled 1,000 light years
to take a selfie with you.
325
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,320
With our advanced alien technology,
326
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,920
you only have to hold still
for three minutes.
327
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:49,000
One potato, two potato...
You extra-terrestrial twats!
328
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,920
You'd be prettier if you smiled.
329
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,600
Mr Chairman,
I'm glad we've found a way
330
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,280
to step back from our conflict.
331
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,760
Indeed, and may I say...
332
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,640
Hold it, hold it.
333
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,040
Only the person holding the head
may speak.
334
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:04,360
All right.
335
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:08,080
In the end, it took the Americans
to show us how foolish we've been.
336
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:12,640
Why fight among ourselves
when the US has become so pathetic?
337
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:16,960
If we just sit back and do nothing,
we shall inherit the world.
338
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:21,200
Let our triumph ring out.
339
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,320
Ha ha!
340
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:33,360
Daddy gave Jared
a Presidential Medal of Awesome,
341
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,480
and I found inner peace
342
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,880
and a sick line
of Himalayan merchandise.
343
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,640
Yeti skin wraps.
344
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:44,840
OK, I've positioned
a hypersonic elevator platform
345
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,440
underneath Mr Biden.
346
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,400
It was developed to lift cargo
into orbit.
347
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,640
But in this case,
I'll use the minimum power
348
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,600
to gently raise the candidate back
to this campaign event.
349
00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,720
Cheese and crackers!
350
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:02,080
This campaign's
going higher and higher.
351
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,560
HE GROANS
352
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,000
Hey, can you get me down?
353
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,000
Working on it.
Keep spreading the message.
354
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,800
You look tense. Can I massage you?
355
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,720
PECKING,
HE YELLS
356
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:20,360
See you in the morning, honey.
Not morning, tomorrow sunset.
357
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,040
I thought you were gonna leave
the vampire thing back in Slobovia.
358
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,040
I got homesick. Kiss, kiss.
359
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,600
SHE SIGHS
360
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,560
COFFIN LID CREAKS
361
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:38,720
Honey, I can't sleep.
362
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:41,080
I need a bit of
that sweet, sweet sugar.
363
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,400
All right, but hurry up.
364
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,480
SHE SLURPS
365
00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,840
OK, that's enough,
you're sucking me dry.
366
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,320
SHE SPITS
367
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:53,160
A quarter...
and it's Canadian.
368
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,280
This one's just a token
for Chuck E. Cheese.
369
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,480
I thought you were rich.
370
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,440
I'm just not very liquid
at the moment.
371
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,960
I'm heavily invested
in Russian oligarchs.
372
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:04,360
That does it, I'm going to hunt
some tech bros with bitcoin.
373
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:06,880
They taste like douche bags,
but their cheques clear.
374
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,760
LOUD BANG
375
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,400
BAT SQUEAKS
We've talked about this,
376
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,840
I'm the one in an open marriage.
377
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:19,640
Every relationship is hard
in its own way.
378
00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:23,200
Schools are on half-term break,
time for a holiday,
379
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:24,680
to head away from the kids
380
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,480
here in the frigid, howling wastes
of Scotland.
381
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:30,240
What is the purpose of "holidays"?
382
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:31,760
Surely the time
would be better spent
383
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,200
removing spent workers
from the hive.
384
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:35,600
Removing what?
385
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:39,000
I mean, improving retirement
benefits for workers from the hive.
386
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,840
I come here to keep the Scots
in the Union.
387
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,800
I show that I love Scotland
388
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,880
and in return, inevitably,
Scotland will love me.
389
00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:51,480
Here, you with ya wee bastard!
Ya skanked my cow, ya wee bawbag!
390
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:55,520
Ah, hello, fellow Union member.
What's he saying, Dom?
391
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:58,200
Unclear. I will attempt
a technique I learnt
392
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,920
from the Mind Lords of Thark.
393
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,240
I mean, YouTube.
394
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,760
Za-za-za... so much pain.
395
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:08,360
Za-za-za... grievance without logic.
396
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,360
Get away from me, ya wee shite!
397
00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:14,720
He says we're in the wrong field
and also you ran over his cow.
398
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:16,960
Ah, I thought I felt a bump
on the Bentley.
399
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,480
Ah, this must be yours.
400
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,640
My poor beef lassie.
Always good to meet the electorate.
401
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,000
Now, I believe this dry field
402
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,280
is a designated place
to build a campfire.
403
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:32,400
A campfire?
Shouldn't we take precautions?
404
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,440
I never take precautions.
405
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,720
That's how I got all those kids
in the first place.
406
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,040
I love looking at my holiday photos.
407
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,240
Well, Jacinda Ardern, I guess
you feel pretty proud of yourself
408
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,000
after winning a landslide
reelection in New Zealand.
409
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,520
Practically perfect people expect
to win by landslides.
410
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,760
Aren't you even going to celebrate?
411
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:03,960
Well, maybe I'll do that thing I did
just once when I was a kid.
412
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,000
# Let's get high as a kite
413
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,480
# Up to the gnarliest height
414
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:16,880
# I said I only tried it once
415
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:21,040
# And I didn't like it
416
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:24,200
# Politicians never say
417
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,760
# That they like the Mary Jay
418
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:33,080
# So let's get high
High as a kite. #
419
00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:36,520
She's so stoned, she thinks
her umbrella's talking to her.
420
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,440
Welcome to the final
presidential debate.
421
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:46,000
After the last one,
we have changed the rules.
422
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,560
Should things get out of hand,
423
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:51,400
I can mute the candidates'
microphones using this red button.
424
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,000
Gentlemen, you may begin now.
425
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,520
Folks, here's the deal...
Corrupt joke. Rigged election.
426
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:59,120
Poorest president of my lifetime...
I'm fantastic.
427
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:01,160
Man, shut up...
And done.
428
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,440
SILENCE
429
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,320
I'll be back in an hour.
430
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,280
# C'est Govey en Paris
431
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,320
# C'est Govey en Paris
432
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:18,240
# C'est Govey en Paris
Le petit merde
433
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,360
# Le petit merde est arrive
434
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:25,960
# C'est Govey
Le petit merde, Govey.
435
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,040
# C'est Govey en Paris
436
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,680
# C'est Govey en Paris
C'est Govey en Paris
437
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,480
# Le petit merde... #
438
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,200
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