Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
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Good day, I'm Prince Andrew.
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The producers of Spitting Image
have very kindly
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offered me a chance to speak
directly to you, the public.
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00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:25,320
"Come down," they said.
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00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:27,480
"Sit right there in that chair,"
they said,
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"and hold you head just like this."
So, I...
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Urgh!
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Melania, wake up.
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I need help with this tweet.
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Urgh, for the last time!
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There's only two Fs in covfefe.
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Now, put that away and go to sleep.
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I can't. I have to retweet
five fake stories,
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deny one real one,
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and call Meghan Markle an idiot.
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Can't someone else do it?
But who?
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Who could really capture my style
and swagger?
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Got it!
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Oh, no...
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..not that asshole.
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HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS
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SQUEAKING AND POPPING
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HE STRAINS
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KEYBOARD TAPS
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Good boy.
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I say this,
it spells better than you.
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TWEET SENDING TONE
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TAPPING
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TEXT ALERT
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Doesn't that asshole ever sleep?
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My family or yours?
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Dom, I've been looking at the speech
that you've written.
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Rather harsh, you know,
a bit of a sledgehammer.
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I'm not sure about starting,
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"Attention, you the underclass."
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Yes, we should cut the niceties
and get straight to,
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"Sacrifice yourself
for the good of the hive."
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And by "hive", you mean...?
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I mean, future of the hive...
I mean, country.
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Are you dissatisfied with me?
Perhaps you would like to fire me.
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I don't think
that will be necessary.
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I thought not.
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BABY GURGLES
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So, this is what you call a baby?
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Ah, yes.
It looks delicious.
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May I eat it?
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Ha-ha, jolly good.
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'Fraid not,
Carrie would be furious.
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Then I shall not do that.
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Instead, I shall eat
some of your Earth snacks.
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SNUFFLING AND SQUELCHING
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Ah, good-oh.
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Now, you write,
"Composting the drones
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"will ensure the survival
of the elite."
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Is there a problem?
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Well, it's more of a Cameron/Osborne
type of policy.
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It is not Liberal or Conservative,
it is basic hive maintenance.
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Yeah, I just want it
a bit more sunlit uplands,
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Pimm's in deckchairs,
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and a bit less vaporising strikers
with death rays.
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EERIE PULSATING NOISE
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I didn't come all the way
from Epsilon 5,
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I mean Durham, to write a speech
with no death rays.
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Perhaps you would like to fire me?
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Oh, I don't think
that will be necessary.
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I thought not.
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I have consumed my snack.
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Are you sure I can't eat the baby?
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Yes,
I'm sure you can't eat the baby.
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EERIE PULSATING NOISE
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If I did, would you fire me?
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Er, you know,
I don't think that's necessary.
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HE MURMURS
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And now the weather forecast
with Greta Thunberg.
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HOT!
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That was the weather
with Greta Thunberg.
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Welcome to Case Western
Health Center,
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the finest venue in America
for this debate,
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since it's a geriatric clinic.
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Here are the candidates,
President Donald Trump.
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Boo, you're a loser.
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OK, the debate rules
specifically said,
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you wouldn't throw shoes at me.
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Meh!
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And former Vice President Joe Biden.
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SNORING
Huh? Malarkey!
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First question, Mr President,
about your taxes.
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There's been a lot of fake news
about that.
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So fake I had to invent a new word,
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phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
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So it's not true
you only paid $750 in taxes?
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00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,800
I want to apologise to America
for that.
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I'm a smart businessman.
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00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:08,960
I should have paid nothing.
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My accountant didn't tell me
you could deduct gravy funnels.
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HE GULPS
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Rebuttal, Mr Biden?
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Folks, I want to level with you.
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Camera's over here.
Thanks.
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I mean, let's get the country going
in the right direction.
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Next on the agenda,
two minutes of interruptions.
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Here's the deal...
Not smart at all...
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Nothing done...
Shut up, man...
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Phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
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That actually went as planned.
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For the next question,
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we will fact check your answers
in real time.
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Vice President Biden, where do
you stand on Medicare for all?
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Hey, folks, I've always stood
exactly where I am right now,
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which, I believe,
is my Aunt Ellie's front parlour.
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Fact checker?
Partially true.
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It does look like
Aunt Ellie's parlour.
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My turn! I've been the best
President ever on healthcare.
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Better than that loser Washington.
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He had zero ventilators
at Pearl Harbor.
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I did an excellent job
on this answer.
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I'm strong, too.
I can lift a couch.
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Buy Trump steaks.
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Fact checker?
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GUNSHOT
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That's the kind of violence you can
expect in Joe Biden's Americ-antifa.
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Oh, guys.
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I am not taking the bait
from this clown.
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Not kindly Uncle Joe
from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
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Oh, you mean Skankton, Crapsylvania?
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I'll beat you like a drum.
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THEY BOTH STRAIN
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Liar boy!
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That's the end of this debate.
Buy steaks!
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It actually was more dignified
than expected.
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Fill her up, mate.
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00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,840
I'm Lewis Hamilton,
Formula 1 driver,
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crusader against injustice,
and VAT dodger.
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It's time to call out
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the big oil and gas polluters
messing up our planet,
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apart from my sponsors
Petronas Oil and Gas,
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who do a bloody good job
and will not be beaten on price.
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CAR REVS THEN SPLUTTERS
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Fill her up again, please, mate.
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What up, Dom Heads?
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It's the Raabocop,
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Foreign Secretary
and martial arts madman!
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Ha! Ha! Hi-yah!
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SMASHING
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Today, I'm going to show you
some of my personal,
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ultimate fighting master moves.
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It's not karate, it's...
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Move one - someone's coming in hard
with a tough question.
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What do you do?
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Use that anywhere.
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00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:30,040
On radio, Newsnight,
talking to black people.
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Put your foot in your mouth.
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Move two -
the country's going to shit,
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you're supposed to do something,
you have no idea what.
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Try this...
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Hi-yah!
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Don't see no problems in here!
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Move three -
you've got things under control,
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the press is leaving you alone,
but you need press, man.
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How do you get it?
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Oh, Raab-arama!
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I do this every day.
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Zoom right to page one.
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That's got to hurt.
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Hurts so good.
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Ka-Raab-te!
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Don't forget to ring the bell
and subscribe.
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Our company has to take a stand.
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Consumers need to feel like
we care about social justice.
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We need to show our product line
opposes systemic racism.
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It's 2020, people.
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Unlike 2019, it's time for us
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to acknowledge the suffering
of black people in America.
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But also merchandising.
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I got the answer right here.
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Black baby Yoda.
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Hey!
Matter black lives too.
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My gosh, we're woke.
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So you're back, you disgusting worm.
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Just remember, no photographs,
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no touching, no mentioning Ben
& Jerry's ice cream. No, mistress.
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So, what repulsive kink
do you want today?
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Well, I'd like...
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Oh, it's so nasty.
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I'd like
unpopular Conservative opinions
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only you can get away with.
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WHIP CRACKS
Ask, you shall receive, Tory boy.
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Mm.
We must limit all immigration.
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Except for Israelis.
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Ooh, you can say it
because you're Asian.
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If single mothers
can't afford babies,
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they should have abortions.
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If they want abortions,
they shouldn't have had sex.
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Yes.
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You can say it
because you're a woman.
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Although it would be nice
if it made sense.
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People should only qualify
for universal credit
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if they don't need universal credit.
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Why do young people love rocket?
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It's just smelly leaves.
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Black Panther is a terrible movie.
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Yes, we think it, you say it.
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Oh, I'm close.
Are you pleasuring yourself, filth?
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No, I'm close to figuring out
how to chop up he NHS
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and sell it in little pieces,
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and therefore also close to orgasm.
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Sell poppers in corner shops.
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Trans women are ducks.
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00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,840
Eggs are delicious on pizza.
That's not Conservative.
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Enact mandatory morris dancing.
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That's too Conservative.
Stop, stop!
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00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,400
Had enough, slime?
Yes.
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00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,680
Right, now you do me.
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00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,600
Year on year, fiscal returns
have outpaced projections
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00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,840
by an annual adjusted rate of 4%.
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00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:13,560
God, I love dull men!
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God, I could use a drink.
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00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:19,080
I can't believe
they figured out our scheme
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00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,120
to reclassify the parliamentary pub
as a canteen
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00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,080
so that it could stay open past ten.
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00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:28,400
Don't worry, sir,
I reclassified the chapel as Ibiza.
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Foam party!
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God, I love a loophole.
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I'm David Attenborough.
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Although I'm 94 years old,
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I've learned how to use Instagram.
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00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,560
Because our planet is in great...
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00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,280
You look at the phone, David.
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Oh, fucking Instagram!
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00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:56,520
All right, I've finished my clippy.
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Where it says signature,
do I put the royal seal?
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That's not necessary, Mr...
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00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:03,240
..Of Wales.
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00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:05,680
I see here that your previous career
was in realty.
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00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:08,000
Royalty.
But it wasn't a career.
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00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:11,200
My wife's got a Netflix empire.
Who doesn't?
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00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,520
But I want a real job,
honest work,
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00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,960
roll up my sleeves,
put jammy on my own scones.
239
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,240
Please read the sign.
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00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,360
Oh, that's a lot to read.
241
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:21,680
Do you have it on audiobook?
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00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:23,640
Tell me about
your marketable skills.
243
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,080
I can fly an Apache
tank-killing helicopter.
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00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:27,840
And have you killed many tanks?
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00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,640
None that I was supposed to.
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00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,600
Hm. Anything else?
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00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,920
I'm good at collecting cheques
from the government.
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00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,640
Do you have that here?
Oh, that's called unemployment.
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To get it, you have to have
an actual job first.
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Right, right.
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00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,440
Oh, I could cut ribbons
to open hospitals.
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00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:45,960
I've got my own scissors.
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00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,240
Don't worry, they're safety.
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00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,040
Oh, it's OK.
255
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,360
The same thing happened
at the children's hospital.
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00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,240
Ho-ho, the kids loved it!
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00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:58,400
Mr and Vice President,
258
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,000
welcome to the CDC labs.
259
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,000
Sir, it's a sterile space.
You don't need to wear a mask.
260
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,440
It's not a mask, it's a feed bag.
261
00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:12,040
Now, listen, I'm tired of waiting
for you scientists
262
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,400
to do something about this virus.
263
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,520
It's hanging around
like Eric's aftershave,
264
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:19,080
Sir, the vaccine is already in
265
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,440
phase three safety
and efficacy line trials.
266
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:22,840
Uh-huh.
267
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,600
Mansplain that to me, VP.
268
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:27,280
Sticking people with needles,
seeing what happens.
269
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:30,600
Not good enough.
I need things to happen now!
270
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,960
Give me something to work with,
lady.
271
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,080
You're smart.
I mean, look at you.
272
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:39,080
Out on the street you're a five,
but in here with these nerds?
273
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,160
Num-num-num-num-num-num!
274
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,960
As a woman in science,
275
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,600
that's still the most respectful
thing anyone's ever said to me.
276
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:49,200
So, where is this virus?
In this little beer nut tray?
277
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:52,120
Petri dish.
It's growing in a nutrient bath.
278
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,720
Living in its own food, eh?
279
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:56,560
Let's get Jared working on that
for me.
280
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:59,520
You scientists gotta treat
this virus like a businessman.
281
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:03,760
Make a deal, bang his wife,
declare bankruptcy, skip town.
282
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,920
Er, what are you proposing?
283
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,440
Get me across the table
with this virus dude.
284
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,360
I'll negotiate us a great deal,
285
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:12,040
people are saying the best deal.
286
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:15,160
Huh. Well, this is kind of
out of the blue, but, er...
287
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,960
..we do have a shrink ray.
288
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,880
Less yappin', more zappin'.
289
00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,160
SHRINK RAY WHIRS
290
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:32,520
Coroney, you got New York style.
291
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,760
I think you and I can make a deal.
292
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,000
There's an art to it, according to
the guy who wrote my book.
293
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,400
Why should I make a deal?
Things are going great for me.
294
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,120
I can make things easier.
295
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:46,720
You leave the rest of us alone
and you can have all the old people.
296
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,400
We're talking men over 90,
women over 27.
297
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,920
Throw in fat people.
298
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,960
Fat women?
And men.
299
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,640
No deal.
300
00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:57,680
I'm already letting you have
all the poor and ethnic types.
301
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,240
We never asked for them.
302
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,560
Well, they're yours.
No take backs.
303
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:03,920
Mr Trump, you are wasting my time.
304
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,920
This negotiation is over.
305
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,920
I'm not leaving without a win.
306
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,120
What is that?
A squirt gun.
307
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,960
Filled with
the longest word I know -
308
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,040
Hydro-cloxy-woxy-loxy-quoxy-
chlorocline.
309
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,600
Mm, good stuff.
Can I get some more?
310
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,640
You know, Coroney?
You're everything I like.
311
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:28,280
You're tough, you're sneaky,
you're a threat to humanity.
312
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,480
I want you in my organisation.
313
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,400
Interesting.
What did you have in mind?
314
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,600
I'll explain it on the way up.
315
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,680
Hey, Lady Lab Coat, big me.
316
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,720
WHIRRING
317
00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:43,640
THEY GASP
318
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,920
Oh, my God, sir!
You brought it back with you!
319
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,360
Pence...
320
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,840
..you're fired.
321
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,120
I knew the hydroxy
would kill something annoying.
322
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,200
BOTH LAUGH EVILLY
323
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,280
Say hello
to your new Vice President.
324
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,240
GASPS
I'm gonna bring a lot of new ideas
325
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:05,120
now that I'm in charge of
the Anti-Virus Task Force.
326
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,120
It's great to have a guy like this
327
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,400
just a heartbeat away
from the presidency.
328
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,360
SPLAT
329
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:17,240
Hey, it's the husband
formerly known as Prince.
330
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:18,880
Any luck getting a job?
331
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:23,560
They had me driving for Uber Eats,
but there were too many damn rules!
332
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:27,600
"Don't touch the food, don't taste
the food, drive on the road."
333
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,320
I'm sorry, Rowdy Reddy.
334
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,360
But then, I was driving
down the sidewalk in Hollywood
335
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:35,200
and I saw something amazing!
336
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,120
People dress up in costumes,
337
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,400
like Spider-Man or Jack Sparrow,
and pose with tourists,
338
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:41,960
a dollar a photo!
339
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,640
That's perfect!
340
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,560
You love people, you're good
at getting your photo taken.
341
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,960
And I've already got a costume!
342
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,640
All right,
who's ready for a photo with Hitler?
343
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:53,920
Anybody?
344
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,800
How about Hitler and Pikachu?
345
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,480
Who wouldn't want a picture
with Hitler and Pikachu?
346
00:14:58,480 --> 00:14:59,760
GRUFF VOICE: Pikachu!
347
00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,360
Agh!
348
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,000
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
349
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000
SNIFFS
Mm-mm.
350
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,280
Real brainteaser, that.
It's all edge!
351
00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:12,480
Now, what's this I hear about
a problem with the college students?
352
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,800
Because of the rise
in campus infection rates,
353
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,880
we had to impose
some mild restrictions.
354
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:19,400
Love it. What have we done?
We've locked them up.
355
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,720
I see no problem.
356
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,240
The larvae flourish when confined
to their hexagonal pods.
357
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:28,080
D-d-doesn't that make
the universities rather...
358
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,280
..prisony?
Shut up, Hancock.
359
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,560
Sorry, fair point.
I'll stand behind the plant.
360
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,240
This quadruples the prison
population at a stroke.
361
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,000
Hashtag vote winner!
362
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,880
The students are complaining
that they're stuck in their rooms,
363
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:42,440
they have to attend lectures online
364
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,400
and they can't go home
for the holidays.
365
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:45,480
Let me get this straight.
366
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,560
These kids lie around all day
in their jim-jams,
367
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,960
spaffing on the internet,
non-stop rummage in the scrummage,
368
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,520
and there's absolutely no way
369
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,640
they'll see their family
at Christmas?
370
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,840
Yes, Prime Minister.
Hey, what's that?
371
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:58,960
ALL GASP
372
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,160
So, fellow students,
373
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,680
who fancies two pints of vodka
and a game of human Jenga?
374
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:07,760
Who are you again?
375
00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,000
I'm the new boy, Johnson B,
The Bozemeister.
376
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,560
Reading Classics,
like I give a damn, right?
377
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:15,960
Erm, boundaries?
378
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,960
As in let's cross them, eh?
379
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,640
Well, break out the green,
I brought the parliamentary bong.
380
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,720
Smoking marijuana
is cultural appropriation.
381
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:27,960
Crikey, statue topplers, eh?
382
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,600
What do you do for kicks
around here?
383
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:30,960
I'm teaching myself coding.
384
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,800
I'm curating a web page
for vegan profiteroles.
385
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,320
Sounds rather serious.
386
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:36,840
University is serious.
387
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,960
We're here to study,
not to waste time.
388
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,600
Not at £9,000 a year.
389
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,160
How much?!
9,000.
390
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:44,760
What's that?
391
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,080
What a bunch of idiots.
392
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,880
Well, the costume thing went OK,
but not great.
393
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,760
Somebody gave me $20.
394
00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,360
For a single picture?
395
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,160
Yeah, to stay out of
a single picture.
396
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:03,600
I don't know, Megs.
I've tried every career there is -
397
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,400
Prince, Hitler...
398
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,440
Maybe I'm just not qualified
for anything.
399
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,120
That's not true!
400
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,400
You're a great husband,
a good-hearted man,
401
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,360
you've got big, muscular teeth.
402
00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:16,440
Thanks, Meg.
403
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,360
And I guess now
I'm qualified for this!
404
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:20,960
Unemployment!
405
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,960
Now I'm a regular Yankee geezer!
406
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,640
Hi. It's me again.
407
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,840
Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 star,
408
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,040
enviro-campaigner
and offshore tax haven lover.
409
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:39,160
Human rights abuses
have got to stop now. End of.
410
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,720
Apart from in China, Russia and
Bahrain - I do have to race there.
411
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,160
But apart from them, sort it out!
412
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:48,040
REVS ENGINE
I used to date a Pussycat Doll!
413
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:51,240
PIANO PLAYS
414
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:56,040
Kier, loving your whole radical
shake-up of the Labour Party.
415
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,840
Love. In'. It.
416
00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:59,600
Thanks very much, Sir Elton.
417
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,520
Please, just Elton.
418
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,320
Anyway, bit of advice -
419
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,960
I think you could
zhoosh this up a bit.
420
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,920
I don't know. I don't want to
distract from my message.
421
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:10,720
The look IS the message.
422
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,360
You're going up against Boris
423
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:15,080
Fluffs-His-Hair-For-The-Camera
Johnson.
424
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,280
'Ere, let's try something.
425
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,800
You see, that's better already,
love.
426
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,440
Now, pretend
I'm the House of Commons.
427
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:23,680
All right...
428
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,760
Under proposed changes
to Universal Credit...
429
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:27,040
No!
430
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:28,880
Stop. Stop!
431
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,440
There's still something missing.
432
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:31,680
Hang on.
433
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,240
I think we've cracked it.
434
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:36,320
You do know we're the Labour Party?
435
00:18:36,320 --> 00:18:38,480
Shut it!
Now, give it some zazz.
436
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,000
Year on year, GDP has fallen 12%.
437
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,280
No. I'm sorry,
it's still not quite working.
438
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,280
There's only one option.
But, Elton...
439
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,280
SIR Elton!
440
00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,640
We call for another urgent review...
441
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,680
Buhh! I tell you
what the problem with you is,
442
00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,280
I'm not on drugs.
443
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,080
GENERAL HUBBUB AND SHOUTING
444
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,680
Seven of you?
445
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,480
Gathered together?
No, no, no.
446
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,000
This is dangerous and i-illegal.
447
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,040
MURMURED APOLOGIES
448
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:14,440
You know how to make
an o-o-outdoor gathering safe.
449
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,520
ALL CHEER
450
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,920
Hunt grouse, stay healthy.
451
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,360
Happy Sunday, everybody.
452
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:27,360
We're only a few weeks away
from the election,
453
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,400
arguably the most important day
in our country's history
454
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,520
since the premiere of
Jumanji 2: Welcome To The Jungle!
455
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,960
Now, I've never endorsed
a presidential candidate,
456
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,440
although I have endorsed
pretty much everything else,
457
00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,720
including The Rock's
delicious Tequila!
458
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,920
Great before, during
or after your workout.
459
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:48,360
You guys know me.
If I go, I go big.
460
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,600
That's why I'm taking the bold step
461
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:54,280
of bravely endorsing the odds-on
favourite presidential candidate -
462
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:55,400
Joe Biden.
463
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,240
MUFFLED VOICE: Aren't you forgetting
something, you giant goose?
464
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,080
It's my little pocket pal,
Kevin Hart!
465
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,800
Don't forget to plug our new movie!
466
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,720
That's not what this is about,
Kevin.
467
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,200
Don't miss Jumanji 3:
This Time It's Contractual.
468
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,080
Oh, and Kamala Harris.
469
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,240
Can I have a Kevin snack?
470
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,880
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom!
471
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,280
What a fantastic day in New Zealand.
472
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:23,640
Meat pies, ginger crunch
473
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,040
and a positive balance of trade
with China.
474
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,480
I know, but sometimes I think...
475
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,880
..couldn't things here
be MORE fantastic?
476
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,480
Where there's a wish, there's a way!
477
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,120
BOTH: Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern!
478
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:39,840
Kia ora, children.
What healthful weather we're having.
479
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,040
Not a spit-spot of virus to be seen.
480
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:45,320
Why, Jacinda Ardern,
are you boasting?
481
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,400
Practically perfect people
never boast,
482
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,200
they just get re-elected forever.
483
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:53,000
# In a world of strongmen
A nice lady came along
484
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,240
# I'm kind and smart and young and
Kind and good and kind and young
485
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:59,480
# When I became New Zealand's boss
I knew just what to do
486
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:03,120
# Initiate a nanny state
And turn our grey skies blue!
487
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:06,200
# Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda
488
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,960
# Never mean and always green
And such a lovely grin-na
489
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:12,800
# If a virus comes around
She'll stop it going in ya
490
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,560
# Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda!
491
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:18,880
# Yum dumble dumble, dumble meat pie
Yum munchie munch, yum ginger crunch
492
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,480
# I banned all assault weapons
And enforced a living wage
493
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,160
# I gave birth to a child
At an advanced maternal age
494
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,520
# I put us into lockdown
Faster than the Yanks and Brits
495
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:31,680
# And now NZ is virus-free
We've kicked it in the tits! Oh!
496
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:34,480
# Super-quick Jacinda
Taking action straight away
497
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,800
# That virus had no chance against
Our badass Kiwi bae
498
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:39,680
# With her gentle touch
And iron fist
499
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:40,960
# Cleared COVID off the scene
500
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:44,400
# Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! #
501
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,640
COUGHS
Young man,
502
00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,280
do you have the impertinence
to be ill in New Zealand?
503
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,160
I was just clearing my throat.
I'm probably fine.
504
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,800
Do you know how hard it is
to quarantine two small islands
505
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,280
with low population
and a wealth of natural resources
506
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,560
that renders us
completely self-sufficient?!
507
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,400
Not...that...hard?
508
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,600
That's quite enough of that. I can
see there's only one thing to do.
509
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:08,160
SPLAT
510
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,960
I am delighted to announce
no new cases of coronavirus!
511
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,800
# Super-Kiwi-socialistic-
Extra-nice Jacinda! #
512
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:22,240
The ignorant and lazy adults that
have robbed me off my future,
513
00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,600
by which I mean network executives,
514
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,840
have told me to bring
a lighter touch
515
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,360
and also to cover
afternoon drive time.
516
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:32,640
So, today, a mix of sun and clouds.
517
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,360
Chance of sprinkles,
don't forget your brellie.
518
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:37,880
All clear by your evening commute.
519
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,600
Tomorrow
and for the rest of eternity -
520
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:42,480
HOT!
521
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,520
TYPING AND SENDING NOISE
522
00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,520
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