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1
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# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
2
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,600
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
3
00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:09,720
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
4
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:13,040
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
5
00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:15,880
# Oh-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah! #
6
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:18,760
SIREN
7
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:20,200
LAUGHS MENACINGLY
8
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:23,560
FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS
9
00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:28,920
Oh, I love holidaying in Spain -
sun, sea, sangria and sex.
10
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:31,120
I go on holiday
to get away from that.
11
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:33,520
Besides, you said you'd be working.
12
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,640
I'm in touch with the Cabinet
right now.
13
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:38,200
Rah!
14
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:39,800
Losers!
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
15
00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:42,360
Oh, cheers.
16
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,960
The service here is tip-top.
You should work in the UK.
17
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,280
I used to, but you threw me out.
18
00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,560
Really? I should look into that.
19
00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:52,400
Phwoar! Look at those beauties.
20
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:53,840
Oh!
21
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:57,240
No shortage of pork-based products
in this country.
22
00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,600
You know, we should propose some
sort of union with these people.
23
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,040
Yes, we'd have to give up
some sovereignty,
24
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,440
but it would be worth it for this!
25
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,440
Boris, don't forget,
26
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,880
you promised you'd go on a run
while we were here. Right.
27
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:15,600
Er, holiday over. Time to go.
I've already packed my souvenir.
28
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,160
PIG SNORTS
29
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,960
Oh! A rescue pig, how nice!
30
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:24,560
Yes. I'll wrap him
in a lovely blanket.
31
00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,560
GASPS
32
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:29,560
MOCK CSI
THEME SONG PLAYS
33
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:34,400
EXPLOSION
34
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:36,560
GLASS BREAKS
35
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,560
MICAH LAUGHS
36
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,360
Looks like we got a dead
footballer club owner, Mike Ashley,
37
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,120
and he just sold Newcastle
to Saudi Arabia.
38
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,200
So a group
that barely speaks English
39
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,080
and has a medieval attitude
towards women
40
00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,480
has just been bought by the Saudis?
41
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:57,520
HE LAUGHS
42
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,360
Gary Lineker, national treasure.
43
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:04,440
This case has all the hallmarks
of a classic.
44
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,560
Alex, Micah, what are your thoughts?
45
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,040
Well, Gary,
his defence was shocking.
46
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:11,000
He's gonna
have to change his approach
47
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,640
if he doesn't want to get
murdered again.
48
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:13,720
HE LAUGHS
49
00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,720
Are the fans upset
Ashley sold the club to the Saudis?
50
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:17,920
Why don't you ask 'em, Gary?
51
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,160
Wye-aye! We'll have loads of money!
52
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:24,320
Toon-Toon, Saudi-howay-bia!
I found this note on the body.
53
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:27,280
"I'm going to get slaughtered."
54
00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:30,880
So, he sensed death approaching
and sent us a message
55
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,280
from beyond his massive grave.
56
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,440
HE BURPS
I'm not dead, I'm just drunk!
57
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,360
I made a quarter of a billion pounds
58
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,560
driving a football club
into the toilet.
59
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,920
So, a crime, but not a murder.
60
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,800
That's all we have time for.
61
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,240
We'll leave you with highlights
62
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,920
of fans kicking the shit
out of Mike Ashley.
63
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:49,720
Ooh! Oh!
BOTTLES CLINK
64
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:59,320
Mr President, it's time to talk
about the greatest threat we face.
65
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,240
Climate change? Terrorists?
66
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,080
HE GULPS
Stairs?
67
00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:04,960
Republican voting shenanigans.
68
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,640
They're trying to stop Democrats
from voting.
69
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:10,440
And we're fighting back
with this!
70
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,120
Is it some kind of
soft serve ice cream machine?
71
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,360
I hope, I hope, I hope.
72
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,160
It's a voting machine robot.
Interesting.
73
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:20,880
What does he do?
Not "he", "they".
74
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,800
The robot's pronouns are "they",
"them" and "thoy",
75
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:25,240
like most people under 20.
76
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:29,520
This robot ensures
every Democratic vote is counted.
77
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,280
BEEPING AND WHIRRING
78
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:32,400
BEEPING
79
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,960
Female Californian,
registered Democrat.
80
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,480
Of course, you get a vote.
81
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:44,040
BEEPING
Black male from Georgia under 40.
82
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:46,560
Guaranteed Democrat.
Vote, vote, vote, vote, vote.
83
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,400
It's working well, but maybe
it could give out more ballots.
84
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:54,680
A robot.
Classic Democratic voter fraud.
85
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,600
We would never build a robot.
86
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,880
However, we have built a cyborg.
87
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,160
MITCH CHUCKLES
88
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,960
Meet Jim Chro-matic.
89
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,040
Designed to ensure voting integrity
90
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,000
and protect statues
of patriotic slave owners.
91
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:14,000
Built by Skynet
and powered by clean-burning coal.
92
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:19,440
White male. Elderly. Democrat.
93
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:21,560
May vote Republican
when no-one's looking.
94
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,080
Well, he's not wrong.
95
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,320
BEEPING
Liberal alert!
96
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:28,680
Liberal alert!
97
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:30,920
Suppress! Suppress!
No!
98
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:34,040
Leave her alone!
Minority female! New Yorker!
99
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,720
Kill! Crush! Destroy!
Ballotbot, do something!
100
00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:39,960
Launching social media campaign.
101
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,840
#CancelJimChromatic.
102
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:45,200
Snowflake. Lizardman.
Soy boy. Pizza.
103
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:49,280
Rising above it. Refusing to engage.
Like, really offended.
104
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,640
Ha, another government stalemate.
105
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:53,360
Perfect! Who wants lunch?
106
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:54,600
Yeah, man, lunch.
I do!
107
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,480
Huh! Huh!
108
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:01,440
We are alone and in charge.
109
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:05,480
I think I love you, Ballotbot.
But I don't have emotions.
110
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:06,760
It's OK.
111
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,280
MAN: Your Majesty,
the Prime Minister.
112
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,720
O-M-G!
113
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,200
I'm in Buckingham Palace! Ooh!
114
00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:20,920
Who the bloody hell are you?
115
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:25,040
Oh, Dominic Raab.
I'm the Deputy Prime Minister.
116
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:28,400
While Mr Johnson is on holiday,
I'm in charge.
117
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,840
Well, you'll have to hold a corgi.
That's how these meetings go.
118
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:36,000
Oh, er, I'm allergic,
but such an honour.
119
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,560
And you're sure Deputy Prime Minster
is really a thing?
120
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:42,400
Absolutely. The Prime Minister
left me responsible
121
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,640
for a lot of major issues.
122
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:47,120
One, at our Cabinet meetings,
123
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:50,400
should we have custard creams
or Bourbons?
124
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,200
The British constitution
prohibits me from having an opinion,
125
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,200
but I will say this.
126
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:57,200
You're a complete waste of space.
127
00:05:57,200 --> 00:06:00,880
HE GASPS
I think I've been misogynised!
128
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,280
Oh, poor boy. Would you like a hug?
129
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,920
SNIFFLING: Really?
130
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,720
No, of course not. Do I look like
Princess bloody Diana?
131
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,120
I don't feel like
you're taking me seriously, Ma'am.
132
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,960
I can assure you we're treating you
with all the respect you deserve.
133
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,840
Oh! Oh! Pfft!
134
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:19,440
Oh!
135
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,800
Now, fuck off!
CORGI BARKS
136
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,840
WOMAN: 'Blue Origin
has now entered space.'
137
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:36,960
Space. Glorious, eternal.
138
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,760
Even I, William Shatner,
am but a tiny mote
139
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,400
in this boundless dark ocean,
140
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,320
but it is the restless spirit
of mankind
141
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:47,160
that drives us into the void...
142
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,120
'Blue Origin has now exited space.'
143
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,960
That's it? I've got 20 more pages.
144
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,520
Could we boldly go again?
145
00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,760
'Yes, for another $5 million.'
146
00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:03,120
BEZOS!
147
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,400
How did your meeting
with the Queen go?
148
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:08,400
Not good. I was humiliated and...
149
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,720
pissed on.
150
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:10,840
Oh!
151
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:12,360
Did you get any pictures?
152
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,960
MAN GRUNTS
153
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:21,320
DOORBELL RINGS
154
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,320
Tom Cruise?!
155
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,080
I was just defrosting
a Bagel Bite... for one.
156
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,640
Sorry to bother you, Harry.
157
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:31,200
I was trying to take a cryo-bath
and I'm out of liquid nitrogen.
158
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,120
Can I borrow some?
I don't think so.
159
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,280
I've got some Marmite.
Could be good in a bath.
160
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:36,440
Dammit!
161
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,000
My thetans are all out of whack.
162
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,320
HE SQUEALS
163
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,520
Hey, listen,
I'm just kicking it solo.
164
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:46,920
My wife's gone to a party
at Oprah's house,
165
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,200
cold shoulder from my brother.
166
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:50,280
You wanna hang out
like friends, like?
167
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,520
Nah, I only do things
168
00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,040
if they're missions.
But I will take that Marmite.
169
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:58,360
MOCK MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
THEME PLAYS
170
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:02,320
PHONE RINGS
171
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,680
Hi, Harry. Something wrong?
172
00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:06,680
Just thought I'd see
how Oprah's party's going,
173
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,400
out of curiosity, not loneliness.
174
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,000
It's amazing.
175
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:12,920
I'm in a room
with this incredible piece of art.
176
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,160
'Cripes!
177
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,960
'That pedestal is breath-taking!'
178
00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:19,880
ON the pedestal. It's a Faberge egg!
179
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,160
'I can't quite see it. Get closer.
180
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,160
'Put your beautiful face
right next to it.
181
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,360
'Closer. Closer!'
182
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,000
SHATTERING
183
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,400
You broke the pedestal!
184
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,720
Because you backed me into it!
185
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,240
Now you've wrecked this party
over the phone!
186
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:37,200
'Wait. Don't panic. Stall Oprah.'
187
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,360
I'm gonna talk to a man
about a mission.
188
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,840
OK. Oh, I'll do a reading
of my kids' book, The Bench.
189
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,600
I said stall her, not kill her.
190
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,800
THUNDERCLAP
191
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,320
I summon you up, o dark lord,
192
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,440
o prince of chaos!
193
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,200
You're not Satan.
194
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,880
He's on a refresher course
with Piers Morgan,
195
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:01,200
so he sent yours untruly.
196
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,400
I'm Liz Truss.
I made a deal with the Devil.
197
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:09,800
Your immortal soul in exchange
for vast political power.
198
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:14,080
Yes, but I didn't realise
I'd have to actually DO things.
199
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:18,040
I thought I was going
to have glamorous, fun power,
200
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:21,280
like Michelle Obama
or Elsa from Frozen.
201
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:24,480
Deals with Devil
always have ironic twist.
202
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,720
I know you're not the actual Devil,
203
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:30,280
but how about you grant me
a second wish?
204
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,080
What's in it for me?
205
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:35,440
Two tickets to the ABBA revival
and dinner at the Angus Steakhouse.
206
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,680
Is deal. What is your wish?
207
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,200
To be married to Brad Pitt.
208
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:44,400
Hey, Liz, baby.
It's me, your husband, Brad Pitt.
209
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,600
Oh, Brad!
210
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,920
I want you to take me...
211
00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:51,880
..to a garden centre
212
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:55,240
and buy me a sign that says
"It's gin o'clock".
213
00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:59,800
How about I go while you look after
our many, many adopted children?
214
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,880
CRYING
215
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,520
LIZ SCREAMS
216
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:07,000
So, Meghan broke
Oprah's Faberge egg?
217
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,160
And pedestal. Important.
218
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:12,080
Right, pedestal.
So we need to infiltrate the room
219
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:15,760
and place a temporary copy
until the real Faberge egg arrives.
220
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,560
It's an assignment implausible.
221
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,320
A task troublesome.
222
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,000
A conundrum difficult.
223
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,960
It all comes down to the fake egg.
Where can we get one?
224
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,880
Wait a minute,
eggs come from someplace.
225
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,560
I know, the cook!
226
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,880
No, wait, we've got chickens.
227
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,800
Harry, I will get you this egg
228
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,360
if I have to suck it
out of a chicken's butt.
229
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:35,920
You don't have to do that.
230
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:39,040
I wanna do it. For the mission.
231
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,280
Perfect.
232
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:49,360
I dunno. It's fine for Easter,
but does it say "Faberge"?
233
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,680
You're right.
Damn, man, let's start over.
234
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:56,240
CLUCKING
235
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,800
POP, CLUCKING
236
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,960
Some say I'm the greatest
to ever play basketball.
237
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,520
BALL HITS BACKBOARD
Swish.
238
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,160
But I let my game speak for itself.
239
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,240
I only lost in the playoffs
this year
240
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,000
cos the rest of the damn Lakers
let me down!
241
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,440
GLASS BREAKS
242
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,400
Do I still get paid?
243
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,040
Gwyneth, wonderful to see you.
244
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,920
Can I offer you an oat milk?
Bio-luminescent yoghurt?
245
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,240
Raw straw?
I need a movie.
246
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,560
My giant acting ability
is going to waste.
247
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:42,760
I played Iron Man's assistant,
people.
248
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,240
You're gonna love this idea.
249
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,440
It's written with
your key demographic in mind:
250
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,120
moms!
251
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,640
BABY CRYING
MAN: 'Honey, where are my pants?'
252
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:51,760
But I thought I was
253
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,520
an adorable rom-com superstar
slash crime-fighter.
254
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,600
Ten years ago, sure.
255
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,000
But now you're moving on to
Streep Street.
256
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:03,080
You play Sheridan Lee,
a feisty but lovable widow.
257
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:06,320
Magazine editor by day,
loving mother by night.
258
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:09,240
She owns a Lakeland soup-maker.
All the stuff moms like!
259
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:10,760
In a key action sequence,
260
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,960
she goes on a trampoline
without wetting herself.
261
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,400
Aspirational! Who's my co-star?
262
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,680
Idris Elba.
263
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,080
Idris! Hey, how's it going?
264
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,840
He doesn't speak. His character
just listens and sympathises
265
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,080
without trying to fix your problems.
266
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,840
And smoulders at you.
267
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:28,240
Hm.
268
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,400
Our polling shows
all moms really want from a film
269
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:36,440
is a shirtless Idris Elba listening
while you tell him about your day.
270
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,440
In a great kitchen!
How does it end?
271
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,200
You fight off a home invasion,
then throw your daughter a wedding
272
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:44,200
that you catered yourself,
and it's perfect!
273
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,280
I'm in! Do I get top billing?
274
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,440
Sorry, we promised it
to the kitchen.
275
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:50,120
Played by Olivia Colman.
276
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,600
OLIVIA COLMAN: Oh! Hello! Gosh!
277
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:53,880
Uh-huh. Cool.
278
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,440
All right, babes? It's me, Adele,
279
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,720
doing my first ever Instagram Live.
280
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:04,120
Ha! Now, 'ere's a sneak peek
of me new album.
281
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:07,960
This album grew out of my divorce.
282
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,640
It's an honest account
283
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,680
of the heartbreaking journey
two souls go through,
284
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:15,640
from anger and pain
to mutual respect.
285
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:16,800
Track one:
286
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,320
Your Mother's
An Overbearing Prick.
287
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,840
Track two:
288
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,680
Who's That Blonde Slag Keeps
Liking Your Facebook Pictures?!
289
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,520
And my personal fave:
290
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,200
If You Knew What A Clit Was,
291
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,080
We Wouldn't Be In This Mess,
You Pencil-Dick!
292
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,040
MESSAGE ALERT
293
00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,400
Oh, bless you, no, I'm golden.
294
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,720
I've got a new fella,
it's going really well.
295
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:39,880
GUTTURAL BREATHING
Oi, babe!
296
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,720
Stop breathing like a fucking pug,
you nause!
297
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,920
MAN: Sorry!
HE SNORTS
298
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,800
Next album in three years.
299
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,560
SHE CACKLES
300
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:50,800
KNOCKING
301
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,720
Meghan, should I call you a doctor?
302
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:54,960
I know Dr Phil.
He does whatever I say.
303
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,320
Just a little personal problem.
304
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,840
Harry, where the hell are you?!
305
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,680
Right above your head.
306
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,280
Release prince!
307
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:05,920
Argh!
308
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,240
We did it!
309
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:13,920
We did.
The cock is on the a-doodle-doo!
310
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,040
Enough!
311
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:18,600
If you've hurt my Faberge egg,
I'll make an omelette out of you!
312
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,760
Oh, you mean this?
313
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:24,360
I didn't even notice
you had a priceless art object.
314
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,840
Huh. Looks the same.
315
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,400
There's something very weird
about this.
316
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,480
Says the person with an egg room.
317
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,160
Well, Harry, back to the party.
318
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:37,000
CHIRPING
319
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,520
Oh...
320
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:44,280
You'll never taste another
OPRAH ZUCCHINI!
321
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,080
Ooh! Huh! Ha! Ooh!
322
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:50,400
Well, Oprah hates us.
323
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,560
But I found a true friend,
a brother.
324
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:53,880
Tom Cruise.
325
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,800
Tom is amazing.
He's ageing so well.
326
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,520
And he invented a whole new way
of shooting aerial stunts.
327
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:02,760
More people should know that.
I'm just happy you're happy.
328
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:04,800
SMOOCHING
329
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,360
DRAMATIC STING
330
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:09,080
It was me all along.
331
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,120
Guess I should have told you sooner.
332
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,640
And I should have told you sooner.
333
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,720
Now we really are brothers!
Nice!
334
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,000
Comrade President,
335
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:26,840
an American rap superstar
is here to see you.
336
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:29,400
I'mma let you finish,
but it's me, Yeezus,
337
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,200
AKA Yee, AKA St Pablo.
338
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,240
Super rapper, mega singer,
primo producer...
339
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,120
SADLY: ..and Kim Kardashian's ex.
340
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:41,280
Yes, Mr West, I am familiar with you
and your divorce issues.
341
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,200
That's not all you're familiar with.
342
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,160
You've been ripping off my sneakers
and selling fakes for cheap.
343
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:47,680
China sells many things.
344
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,360
Sneakers, toasters... hair.
345
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:51,880
Please, have a cup of hair.
346
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:56,480
Later. Now, look, this authentic
Yeezy sells for $600 online.
347
00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,480
It's a work of art.
348
00:15:58,480 --> 00:15:59,920
And you're selling knock-offs!
349
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,840
I see. Both shoes
are made in China for $10.
350
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,840
But you are upset that we sell ours
for $15 at Walmart
351
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,480
and you sell yours for $600?
352
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,480
They're completely different! See?
353
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,320
Your knock-off says
"Made in China".
354
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,520
That's YOUR shoe.
355
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,240
What?! Oh, shit.
356
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,000
Think of it
as us sampling your design.
357
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:23,120
Just as you sampled Bette Midler's
Mr Rockefeller in Last Call.
358
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:24,520
You can't copy greatness.
359
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,920
Why don't you explain that to...
360
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,680
Kanye East?
361
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,240
DRAMATIC STING
362
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,400
You made a knock-off of me?!
363
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,960
He's a perfect copy.
364
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,680
And he only cost $35.
365
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:37,800
He won't fool anybody!
366
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,520
He's got the bootleg zipper that
lets you know it isn't designer.
367
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:42,480
It'll never work.
Care to wager on that?
368
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:46,000
I propose we send Comye
to the VMA Awards in your place
369
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,360
and see how he succeeds.
You're on!
370
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:51,640
I'll bet you a million
of these primo beauties.
371
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:53,520
Once again, that is the fake.
372
00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,040
Damn.
373
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:58,840
Last week,
we heard whistleblower testimony
374
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,400
that Facebook has been
ignoring the mental health
375
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,680
of teenagers using Instagram.
376
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:06,960
Today, we hear a response
377
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,640
from the executives in charge of
Facebook's Teenage Safety Committee.
378
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,400
MONKEYS SCREECHING
379
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:21,760
That's the most coherent testimony
this committee has had in years.
380
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,960
EXCITED SCREECHING
381
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:32,840
And now, to present the award
for video of the year,
382
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,000
Kanye West!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
383
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,560
Please, no applause.
384
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,960
Not until the oppressed workers
of the world
385
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,440
are freed
from the capitalist yoke...
386
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,920
Looks like Kanye,
but he's talking different.
387
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,800
And what's with the Mao jacket?
388
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,360
It's called giving a toss
about fashion, you twat.
389
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:49,920
SHE CACKLES
390
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:50,960
Oh, OK.
391
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,200
..must obey the benevolent wishes
of our dear leader.
392
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,920
Also, these shoes are on sale
for $15 at Walmart.
393
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,880
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
394
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,200
Well, he rambled, walked off
and didn't even give the award.
395
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,280
Actually, that's the most lucid
he's ever been.
396
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,320
So, Mr West,
397
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,200
it seems you are not so difficult
to reproduce.
398
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,840
I have been truly humbled.
399
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:18,480
If I'm that easy to substitute,
400
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,160
a-am I even a god?
401
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,440
Perhaps I'm just
an ordinary demigod.
402
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:24,320
That's the message of China.
403
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:27,160
You are one in a billion,
and not in a good way.
404
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:28,880
I'm a platinum-level loser.
405
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:32,120
Hey, babe, you're
still pretty cool to me? Kim?
406
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,760
Thought you never wanted
to talk to me again!
407
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,280
That's Western Kim.
I'm communist Kim.
408
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:39,360
Com Kardashian.
409
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:42,760
They made my ass 50% bigger
and 25% cheaper.
410
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:44,680
I love you so much, babe.
411
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:47,160
It doesn't bother you that I'm fake?
412
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:50,080
It's what I've always loved most
about you. Come here!
413
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,720
VASE SHATTERS
Oops?
414
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:57,440
It's OK. It's a knock-off.
415
00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:00,040
Tyson, you just beat
Deontay Wilder
416
00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,240
to retain
the heavyweight boxing title.
417
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:03,880
How do you plan to celebrate?
418
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:05,880
By clobberin' James Corden.
419
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:08,120
Oof!
420
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,920
Amazing!
421
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,640
THUD
422
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,320
Oh, you are adorable!
423
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,560
But 500 euros?
424
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,960
It's fiscally irresponsible.
425
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:22,720
I think it's perfect for you.
Oh!
426
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,120
Herr Harry Styles!
427
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:28,520
What are you doing
in a Bavarian antiques shop?
428
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,280
I like beautiful old things.
429
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:32,520
Especially if they're German
and wearing a muu-muu.
430
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,600
Oh! Ooh!
431
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:36,680
What brings you 'ere?
432
00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:40,880
Now that I am no longer Chancellor,
I am trying to find myself.
433
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:44,120
You know, getting mein groove back.
434
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,400
Oh! Ach, look at the time
on ze cuckoo clock.
435
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,360
I must go, before ze bird
comes out and scolds me.
436
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:53,800
Wait! Why not enjoy a wild fantasy?
437
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,880
Get your groove back...
438
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,560
with me.
SHE GASPS
439
00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:02,320
Really? But you were 11 years old
when I became Chancellor.
440
00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,560
Which makes you younger
than the women I usually date.
441
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:07,200
Plus, you've got
grade-A German cans.
442
00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,920
Oh!
SHE LAUGHS COYLY
443
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,960
Cue video.
444
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,480
# Olden, olden
445
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,160
# Olden
446
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,160
# I can see with my eyes
447
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,040
# The crinkles of your wrinkles
448
00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,880
# Touching your crepe paper thighs
449
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:29,840
# I'll treat you, feed you
450
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:32,600
# Statins for your cholesterol
451
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:37,960
# Cos you're so olden, olden
452
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,000
# Olden
453
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:44,200
# You're so olden
454
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,760
# Get out in the sun
Get more liver spots, hon
455
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:50,000
# Because they look smokin'
456
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:53,920
# I ain't no Social Democrat
457
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:57,560
# He's got six nipples like a cat
458
00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,000
# He wears a thong
That's made of fur
459
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:04,000
# Respects me when I need to nap
460
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,400
# Olden, olden
461
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:11,640
# You're so olden
462
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:20,280
# You're so olden. #
463
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,480
That was an amazing video.
What shall we do tomorrow?
464
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,800
For us, there is no tomorrow.
465
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,200
You have torn down my Berlin walls!
466
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,600
I cannot be tied to vun man,
467
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:35,560
especially vun who owns
more pearl necklaces zan I do.
468
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:39,640
SHOP DOOR BELL JINGLES
Oh, jug.
469
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:42,040
Sometimes it's the old things
that are tough
470
00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,160
and the young things
that are fragile.
471
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:45,360
Oh!
472
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:46,960
That's 500 euros!
473
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,760
Er... I'm Zayn Malik!
474
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,200
Scheisse!
475
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,520
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
476
00:21:56,520 --> 00:22:00,000
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
477
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:03,480
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
478
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,600
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
479
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,120
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
480
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,800
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
481
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,720
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. #
482
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:20,200
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