Original subtitles

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah! #

SIREN

LAUGHS MENACINGLY

FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, I love holidaying in Spain - sun, sea, sangria and sex.

I go on holiday to get away from that.

Besides, you said you'd be working.

I'm in touch with the Cabinet right now.

Rah!

Losers! CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Oh, cheers.

The service here is tip-top. You should work in the UK.

I used to, but you threw me out.

Really? I should look into that.

Phwoar! Look at those beauties.

Oh!

No shortage of pork-based products in this country.

You know, we should propose some sort of union with these people.

Yes, we'd have to give up some sovereignty,

but it would be worth it for this!

Boris, don't forget,

you promised you'd go on a run while we were here. Right.

Er, holiday over. Time to go. I've already packed my souvenir.

PIG SNORTS

Oh! A rescue pig, how nice!

Yes. I'll wrap him in a lovely blanket.

GASPS

MOCK CSI THEME SONG PLAYS

EXPLOSION

GLASS BREAKS

MICAH LAUGHS

Looks like we got a dead footballer club owner, Mike Ashley,

and he just sold Newcastle to Saudi Arabia.

So a group that barely speaks English

and has a medieval attitude towards women

has just been bought by the Saudis?

HE LAUGHS

Gary Lineker, national treasure.

This case has all the hallmarks of a classic.

Alex, Micah, what are your thoughts?

Well, Gary, his defence was shocking.

He's gonna have to change his approach

if he doesn't want to get murdered again.

HE LAUGHS

Are the fans upset Ashley sold the club to the Saudis?

Why don't you ask 'em, Gary?

Wye-aye! We'll have loads of money!

Toon-Toon, Saudi-howay-bia! I found this note on the body.

"I'm going to get slaughtered."

So, he sensed death approaching and sent us a message

from beyond his massive grave.

HE BURPS I'm not dead, I'm just drunk!

I made a quarter of a billion pounds

driving a football club into the toilet.

So, a crime, but not a murder.

That's all we have time for.

We'll leave you with highlights

of fans kicking the shit out of Mike Ashley.

Ooh! Oh! BOTTLES CLINK

Mr President, it's time to talk about the greatest threat we face.

Climate change? Terrorists?

HE GULPS Stairs?

Republican voting shenanigans.

They're trying to stop Democrats from voting.

And we're fighting back with this!

Is it some kind of soft serve ice cream machine?

I hope, I hope, I hope.

It's a voting machine robot. Interesting.

What does he do? Not "he", "they".

The robot's pronouns are "they", "them" and "thoy",

like most people under 20.

This robot ensures every Democratic vote is counted.

BEEPING AND WHIRRING

BEEPING

Female Californian, registered Democrat.

Of course, you get a vote.

BEEPING Black male from Georgia under 40.

Guaranteed Democrat. Vote, vote, vote, vote, vote.

It's working well, but maybe it could give out more ballots.

A robot. Classic Democratic voter fraud.

We would never build a robot.

However, we have built a cyborg.

MITCH CHUCKLES

Meet Jim Chro-matic.

Designed to ensure voting integrity

and protect statues of patriotic slave owners.

Built by Skynet and powered by clean-burning coal.

White male. Elderly. Democrat.

May vote Republican when no-one's looking.

Well, he's not wrong.

BEEPING Liberal alert!

Liberal alert!

Suppress! Suppress! No!

Leave her alone! Minority female! New Yorker!

Kill! Crush! Destroy! Ballotbot, do something!

Launching social media campaign.

#CancelJimChromatic.

Snowflake. Lizardman. Soy boy. Pizza.

Rising above it. Refusing to engage. Like, really offended.

Ha, another government stalemate.

Perfect! Who wants lunch?

Yeah, man, lunch. I do!

Huh! Huh!

We are alone and in charge.

I think I love you, Ballotbot. But I don't have emotions.

It's OK.

MAN: Your Majesty, the Prime Minister.

O-M-G!

I'm in Buckingham Palace! Ooh!

Who the bloody hell are you?

Oh, Dominic Raab. I'm the Deputy Prime Minister.

While Mr Johnson is on holiday, I'm in charge.

Well, you'll have to hold a corgi. That's how these meetings go.

Oh, er, I'm allergic, but such an honour.

And you're sure Deputy Prime Minster is really a thing?

Absolutely. The Prime Minister left me responsible

for a lot of major issues.

One, at our Cabinet meetings,

should we have custard creams or Bourbons?

The British constitution prohibits me from having an opinion,

but I will say this.

You're a complete waste of space.

HE GASPS I think I've been misogynised!

Oh, poor boy. Would you like a hug?

SNIFFLING: Really?

No, of course not. Do I look like Princess bloody Diana?

I don't feel like you're taking me seriously, Ma'am.

I can assure you we're treating you with all the respect you deserve.

Oh! Oh! Pfft!

Oh!

Now, fuck off! CORGI BARKS

WOMAN: 'Blue Origin has now entered space.'

Space. Glorious, eternal.

Even I, William Shatner, am but a tiny mote

in this boundless dark ocean,

but it is the restless spirit of mankind

that drives us into the void...

'Blue Origin has now exited space.'

That's it? I've got 20 more pages.

Could we boldly go again?

'Yes, for another $5 million.'

BEZOS!

How did your meeting with the Queen go?

Not good. I was humiliated and...

pissed on.

Oh!

Did you get any pictures?

MAN GRUNTS

DOORBELL RINGS

Tom Cruise?!

I was just defrosting a Bagel Bite... for one.

Sorry to bother you, Harry.

I was trying to take a cryo-bath and I'm out of liquid nitrogen.

Can I borrow some? I don't think so.

I've got some Marmite. Could be good in a bath.

Dammit!

My thetans are all out of whack.

HE SQUEALS

Hey, listen, I'm just kicking it solo.

My wife's gone to a party at Oprah's house,

cold shoulder from my brother.

You wanna hang out like friends, like?

Nah, I only do things

if they're missions. But I will take that Marmite.

MOCK MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Harry. Something wrong?

Just thought I'd see how Oprah's party's going,

out of curiosity, not loneliness.

It's amazing.

I'm in a room with this incredible piece of art.

'Cripes!

'That pedestal is breath-taking!'

ON the pedestal. It's a Faberge egg!

'I can't quite see it. Get closer.

'Put your beautiful face right next to it.

'Closer. Closer!'

SHATTERING

You broke the pedestal!

Because you backed me into it!

Now you've wrecked this party over the phone!

'Wait. Don't panic. Stall Oprah.'

I'm gonna talk to a man about a mission.

OK. Oh, I'll do a reading of my kids' book, The Bench.

I said stall her, not kill her.

THUNDERCLAP

I summon you up, o dark lord,

o prince of chaos!

You're not Satan.

He's on a refresher course with Piers Morgan,

so he sent yours untruly.

I'm Liz Truss. I made a deal with the Devil.

Your immortal soul in exchange for vast political power.

Yes, but I didn't realise I'd have to actually DO things.

I thought I was going to have glamorous, fun power,

like Michelle Obama or Elsa from Frozen.

Deals with Devil always have ironic twist.

I know you're not the actual Devil,

but how about you grant me a second wish?

What's in it for me?

Two tickets to the ABBA revival and dinner at the Angus Steakhouse.

Is deal. What is your wish?

To be married to Brad Pitt.

Hey, Liz, baby. It's me, your husband, Brad Pitt.

Oh, Brad!

I want you to take me...

..to a garden centre

and buy me a sign that says "It's gin o'clock".

How about I go while you look after our many, many adopted children?

CRYING

LIZ SCREAMS

So, Meghan broke Oprah's Faberge egg?

And pedestal. Important.

Right, pedestal. So we need to infiltrate the room

and place a temporary copy until the real Faberge egg arrives.

It's an assignment implausible.

A task troublesome.

A conundrum difficult.

It all comes down to the fake egg. Where can we get one?

Wait a minute, eggs come from someplace.

I know, the cook!

No, wait, we've got chickens.

Harry, I will get you this egg

if I have to suck it out of a chicken's butt.

You don't have to do that.

I wanna do it. For the mission.

Perfect.

I dunno. It's fine for Easter, but does it say "Faberge"?

You're right. Damn, man, let's start over.

CLUCKING

POP, CLUCKING

Some say I'm the greatest to ever play basketball.

BALL HITS BACKBOARD Swish.

But I let my game speak for itself.

I only lost in the playoffs this year

cos the rest of the damn Lakers let me down!

GLASS BREAKS

Do I still get paid?

Gwyneth, wonderful to see you.

Can I offer you an oat milk? Bio-luminescent yoghurt?

Raw straw? I need a movie.

My giant acting ability is going to waste.

I played Iron Man's assistant, people.

You're gonna love this idea.

It's written with your key demographic in mind:

moms!

BABY CRYING MAN: 'Honey, where are my pants?'

But I thought I was

an adorable rom-com superstar slash crime-fighter.

Ten years ago, sure.

But now you're moving on to Streep Street.

You play Sheridan Lee, a feisty but lovable widow.

Magazine editor by day, loving mother by night.

She owns a Lakeland soup-maker. All the stuff moms like!

In a key action sequence,

she goes on a trampoline without wetting herself.

Aspirational! Who's my co-star?

Idris Elba.

Idris! Hey, how's it going?

He doesn't speak. His character just listens and sympathises

without trying to fix your problems.

And smoulders at you.

Hm.

Our polling shows all moms really want from a film

is a shirtless Idris Elba listening while you tell him about your day.

In a great kitchen! How does it end?

You fight off a home invasion, then throw your daughter a wedding

that you catered yourself, and it's perfect!

I'm in! Do I get top billing?

Sorry, we promised it to the kitchen.

Played by Olivia Colman.

OLIVIA COLMAN: Oh! Hello! Gosh!

Uh-huh. Cool.

All right, babes? It's me, Adele,

doing my first ever Instagram Live.

Ha! Now, 'ere's a sneak peek of me new album.

This album grew out of my divorce.

It's an honest account

of the heartbreaking journey two souls go through,

from anger and pain to mutual respect.

Track one:

Your Mother's An Overbearing Prick.

Track two:

Who's That Blonde Slag Keeps Liking Your Facebook Pictures?!

And my personal fave:

If You Knew What A Clit Was,

We Wouldn't Be In This Mess, You Pencil-Dick!

MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, bless you, no, I'm golden.

I've got a new fella, it's going really well.

GUTTURAL BREATHING Oi, babe!

Stop breathing like a fucking pug, you nause!

MAN: Sorry! HE SNORTS

Next album in three years.

SHE CACKLES

KNOCKING

Meghan, should I call you a doctor?

I know Dr Phil. He does whatever I say.

Just a little personal problem.

Harry, where the hell are you?!

Right above your head.

Release prince!

Argh!

We did it!

We did. The cock is on the a-doodle-doo!

Enough!

If you've hurt my Faberge egg, I'll make an omelette out of you!

Oh, you mean this?

I didn't even notice you had a priceless art object.

Huh. Looks the same.

There's something very weird about this.

Says the person with an egg room.

Well, Harry, back to the party.

CHIRPING

Oh...

You'll never taste another OPRAH ZUCCHINI!

Ooh! Huh! Ha! Ooh!

Well, Oprah hates us.

But I found a true friend, a brother.

Tom Cruise.

Tom is amazing. He's ageing so well.

And he invented a whole new way of shooting aerial stunts.

More people should know that. I'm just happy you're happy.

SMOOCHING

DRAMATIC STING

It was me all along.

Guess I should have told you sooner.

And I should have told you sooner.

Now we really are brothers! Nice!

Comrade President,

an American rap superstar is here to see you.

I'mma let you finish, but it's me, Yeezus,

AKA Yee, AKA St Pablo.

Super rapper, mega singer, primo producer...

SADLY: ..and Kim Kardashian's ex.

Yes, Mr West, I am familiar with you and your divorce issues.

That's not all you're familiar with.

You've been ripping off my sneakers and selling fakes for cheap.

China sells many things.

Sneakers, toasters... hair.

Please, have a cup of hair.

Later. Now, look, this authentic Yeezy sells for $600 online.

It's a work of art.

And you're selling knock-offs!

I see. Both shoes are made in China for $10.

But you are upset that we sell ours for $15 at Walmart

and you sell yours for $600?

They're completely different! See?

Your knock-off says "Made in China".

That's YOUR shoe.

What?! Oh, shit.

Think of it as us sampling your design.

Just as you sampled Bette Midler's Mr Rockefeller in Last Call.

You can't copy greatness.

Why don't you explain that to...

Kanye East?

DRAMATIC STING

You made a knock-off of me?!

He's a perfect copy.

And he only cost $35.

He won't fool anybody!

He's got the bootleg zipper that lets you know it isn't designer.

It'll never work. Care to wager on that?

I propose we send Comye to the VMA Awards in your place

and see how he succeeds. You're on!

I'll bet you a million of these primo beauties.

Once again, that is the fake.

Damn.

Last week, we heard whistleblower testimony

that Facebook has been ignoring the mental health

of teenagers using Instagram.

Today, we hear a response

from the executives in charge of Facebook's Teenage Safety Committee.

MONKEYS SCREECHING

That's the most coherent testimony this committee has had in years.

EXCITED SCREECHING

And now, to present the award for video of the year,

Kanye West! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please, no applause.

Not until the oppressed workers of the world

are freed from the capitalist yoke...

Looks like Kanye, but he's talking different.

And what's with the Mao jacket?

It's called giving a toss about fashion, you twat.

SHE CACKLES

Oh, OK.

..must obey the benevolent wishes of our dear leader.

Also, these shoes are on sale for $15 at Walmart.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, he rambled, walked off and didn't even give the award.

Actually, that's the most lucid he's ever been.

So, Mr West,

it seems you are not so difficult to reproduce.

I have been truly humbled.

If I'm that easy to substitute,

a-am I even a god?

Perhaps I'm just an ordinary demigod.

That's the message of China.

You are one in a billion, and not in a good way.

I'm a platinum-level loser.

Hey, babe, you're still pretty cool to me? Kim?

Thought you never wanted to talk to me again!

That's Western Kim. I'm communist Kim.

Com Kardashian.

They made my ass 50% bigger and 25% cheaper.

I love you so much, babe.

It doesn't bother you that I'm fake?

It's what I've always loved most about you. Come here!

VASE SHATTERS Oops?

It's OK. It's a knock-off.

Tyson, you just beat Deontay Wilder

to retain the heavyweight boxing title.

How do you plan to celebrate?

By clobberin' James Corden.

Oof!

Amazing!

THUD

Oh, you are adorable!

But 500 euros?

It's fiscally irresponsible.

I think it's perfect for you. Oh!

Herr Harry Styles!

What are you doing in a Bavarian antiques shop?

I like beautiful old things.

Especially if they're German and wearing a muu-muu.

Oh! Ooh!

What brings you 'ere?

Now that I am no longer Chancellor, I am trying to find myself.

You know, getting mein groove back.

Oh! Ach, look at the time on ze cuckoo clock.

I must go, before ze bird comes out and scolds me.

Wait! Why not enjoy a wild fantasy?

Get your groove back...

with me. SHE GASPS

Really? But you were 11 years old when I became Chancellor.

Which makes you younger than the women I usually date.

Plus, you've got grade-A German cans.

Oh! SHE LAUGHS COYLY

Cue video.

# Olden, olden

# Olden

# I can see with my eyes

# The crinkles of your wrinkles

# Touching your crepe paper thighs

# I'll treat you, feed you

# Statins for your cholesterol

# Cos you're so olden, olden

# Olden

# You're so olden

# Get out in the sun Get more liver spots, hon

# Because they look smokin'

# I ain't no Social Democrat

# He's got six nipples like a cat

# He wears a thong That's made of fur

# Respects me when I need to nap

# Olden, olden

# You're so olden

# You're so olden. #

That was an amazing video. What shall we do tomorrow?

For us, there is no tomorrow.

You have torn down my Berlin walls!

I cannot be tied to vun man,

especially vun who owns more pearl necklaces zan I do.

SHOP DOOR BELL JINGLES Oh, jug.

Sometimes it's the old things that are tough

and the young things that are fragile.

Oh!

That's 500 euros!

Er... I'm Zayn Malik!

Scheisse!

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. #

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