Original subtitles

Good evening. The producers of Spitting Image have invited me

to clarify some recent statements made by the Met Police.

Now, before I get started, they've asked me to take off my hat

and hold my head right about here.

CRUNCHING Oh!

Ah! Fair point. But Cressida Dick's not resigning.

CRUNCHING Ooh!

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

SIRENS WAILING

BIG BEN CHIMES 'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'

Right. This week is my big speech to the Tory conference.

I know I can please the crowd classic Bozza style,

but this year, I really want to dig into the issues.

Let me run it past you and get your honest opinion.

Bring it on, boss! Make love to my ears.

"Hello, Manchester." Pause for applause.

RAAB LAUGHS GLEEFULLY Yes!

The centrepiece of our programme is "levelling up".

Good. Finally, the details of what "levellin' up" actually means.

Look! I've got big knockers!

Ha-ha!

Oh, if these were real, I'd never leave the house.

That will definitely play in the Shires, but what about the economy?

Oh, I've got that.

We shall turbocharge the economy, no strings attached.

Very good. Excellent. Oh! Yes.

But exactly how will we...?

SCREAMING: Argh! My eyes!

Strings! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ooh-ooh! Hoo-hee-ha-ha!

Ah, God bless the man who invented that.

And, of course, we shall safeguard supplies of British food.

Crivens. Here comes the pie in the face.

Wrong. Brick!

CRUNCHING Ooh!

Oh! Yada-yada-yada...

THUD ..and then I get my cock out.

You can't win over the entire Tory Party

with an hour of prop comedy and knob gags!

ZIPPING, CROWD ROARS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

God, politics is easy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

OK, guys, we're here to talk about our next campaign.

Getting knocked out of the World Cup?

No, our next campaign to effect profound social change.

That's why we got into football, right?

Sound. Also, the hot women that we totally respect.

ITALIAN ACCENT: We at FIFA support your progressive values.

Right, who has some ideas?

Apart from Marcus.

Stop human rights abuses? Great idea!

But maybe we can leave this until after the Qatar World Cup?

A campaign against junk food that causes obesity?

Excellent! We'll definitely consider that

when the sponsorship deals are up in 2070.

We should stop taking money from gambling companies.

They're ruining society.

Yeah, that's right, they are. Yes!

I had a grand on you to say that.

What about air pollution? Perfect celebrity cause.

Everyone's against it, and no-one expects us

to have any ideas about how to solve it.

Yeah, yeah. That's right, yeah.

Let's hop on the Learjet and go buy Lamborghinis!

Wahey! CORKS POPPING

Fantastic! Great!

Yay!

Mr President, we're never gonna get anything through Congress

if we can't find a reasonable Republican.

The infrastructure bill has collapsed,

budget reconciliation is irreconcilable,

and gun control is shot to hell.

Plus I forgot my Netflix login.

A lot of problems. You know, I need my booster shot.

It's not a vaccine.

It's a blend of holy water and chocolate syrup.

Yeah! Bless my soul.

I feel like presidentin' all night.

Yowww!

We'll let you work. Pull the cord if you need us.

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES Think, Joe.

Where can I find a reasonable Republican?

THUD

VOICE: Perhaps one was here all along!

Who are you? Mayor Cheeseburger.

I was Donald Trump's favourite secret advisor.

BIDEN SNORTS Figures he'd like a talking burger.

Hey! I'm also a mayor - of Burgertown!

A Republican stronghold!

And this is my colleague from Idaho -

Reverend French Fries.

Praise the Lord and pass the ketchup!

Hey, you two are diner folk, just like me.

That's right! We're all regular Joes,

not Washington Beltway insiders.

We're ready to compromise on everything... except flavour.

I bet we can work out a deal. CRUNCH

Ow! Hey, man, that's my frontal lobe!

My God! We thought we could work with you,

but you're just another liberal brain-eater!

No, no, no, wait!

We'll never make a deal.

Wake up! THUD

Wake up! ETHEREAL CHIMES

Wake up! Wake up!

HE GASPS Whoa. What the heck?

So it was all a dream...

But I learned an important lesson -

no compromise is possible as long as we keep eating each other's brains.

Uh, maybe no more booster shots for you.

HE RETCHES, DRAMATIC STRINGS

Hey, guys. It's Chrissy Teigen.

Ten years ago, I did something bad, and I need to apologise.

I tweeted something very cruel to a teenager.

I am so sorry.

But that's not who I am now.

You know, I-I've evolved into a kind, thoughtful...

PHONE CHIMES

Did someone just thumbs-down me?

Who the HELL do you think you are?!

I hope you fall into a river and go missing for days

and your husband thinks you're dead and remarries someone

RIGHT on your empty grave!

And here's what happened to your skull!

ANGRY SCREAM, CLATTERING

PIGS SNORTING Breaks my heart,

but we're gonna have to cull these pigs.

We've got no choice.

With no truck drivers to take 'em to t'market,

we have to destroy them.

HE GRUNTS, PANTS

I'll take your damn pigs to market!

Tom Cruise? But why?

Because I once had a farm with a little pig called Babe.

He was so special - he wanted to herd sheep,

but I didn't believe in him.

I let him down.

And if I deliver your pigs, I can make amends!

Wasn't that the movie Babe? And you wasn't even in that.

Damn it. I need redemption!!

OK, OK. The truck's over there.

Listen to me. I lied to those farmers.

I'm going to set you free.

They won't make you into honey-roast ham,

or... pork sausages with pepper and nutmeg...

or a delicious bacon sandwich with vine-ripe tomatoes

and aioli mayonnaise. TRUCK BEEPS AS PASSING

SIZZLING Mm! Boy, this pig is delicious!

Wait - I didn't get my redemption!

ANGUISHED: I'm sorry, Babe!

Hey, guys. Chrissy again.

I have to apologise for my previous apology.

Uh, I told @cutie-kitty92 that she should fall in a river.

I am so sorry.

And I apologise to all the fans of my cookware line

that was pulled from Macy's and Target

because of my previous apology.

It's such a bummer, cos these pans are lightweight,

durable, non-stick... PHONE CHIMES

Oh! My pan sticks, says @angeleyes.215?

You know what this pan would do to your skull?!

ANGRY GRUNTS, THWACKING

Huh. Right.

I've done knitting - 2 million views,

I've done cupcakes - 5 million views,

and I've pimped my shopping trolley - 10 million views!

But what next for my YouTube channel, Inside Tom Daley?

Lance? Lance! I need some help here!

You never wanna make content with me.

I'm busy with this screenplay about the life

of a gay World War Two bomber pilot who obliterated Dresden

and went on to invent the Post-it note!

Well, that's really inspiring, but it's not content!

What? We made content the other day!

That doesn't count. Your mind wasn't on it.

We used to make content five times a day!

Tom, content isn't everything.

I want our relationship to be more than that.

The last time we made content, it was last thing on a Sunday night,

it only lasted five minutes, and you struggled to get it uploaded.

Is that all I am to you? A content provider?

Course not. I love all the... typing you do.

I'm always polishing your Oscar.

I just think content's more exciting when it's spontaneous.

We could make content now! That would be spontaneous!

I can't be spontaneous just like that!

Ugh. Well, if you're not gonna make content with me,

maybe I need to find someone who will.

Don't be like that, honey.

I promise, I'll make content with you later.

Thanks.

Fancy a shag? Yeah! Let's spice it up.

I'll put a shirt ON.

And I'll wear that sexy little number you got me for my birthday.

Mm! TOM GIGGLES GLEEFULLY

You guys. Wow.

I am so filled with shame for my behaviour

that I wanna crawl into a hole.

People are saying I'm just trolling them,

but I swear, I'm a deeply flawed human,

but I'm not a troll.

PHONE CHIMES What?

I do not have troll ears.

They've been surgically trimmed to help hold back my hair.

Mm!

Hello, Chrissy. It's me, Mark Zuckerberg.

Oh! Let me guess - you're banning me for hate speech!

No. We at Facebook-Instagram

neither condemn nor condone anything.

However, you've exceeded your apology count.

OK, I admit - I'm a troll. I was always a troll.

I live under a bridge, and I eat goats,

and the only thing I'm sorry for

is that I didn't start eating goats sooner!

More goats! BRING ME GOATS!

FEROCIOUS SNARFING

UPBEAT MUSIC

What the fuck is going on here, son?

I'm just deciding my favourite type of rice.

HE VOCALISES

I've got it down to pilau, long-grain and white.

Do what? I've got the record company all right up my April.

Show me what you been working on!

It's my masterpiece, Dad. Great.

Will it have some white-boy rapping on it?

It's a C-111 form!

It allows planning permission for a one-storey,

non-residential development on a Grade II-listed building.

That's not gonna get played at weddings!

No, but it will stop my neighbour Tony from blocking my new gazebo.

HE VOCALISES I'm turning my little village estate

into a gazebo heaven!

You're supposed to be a pop star! You've lost focus.

No, I'm totally focused.

Look! I've also found this 17th-century covenant

which will stop my other neighbour - Mary -

from extending her garden into my patio!

You're mentally and musically unstable.

I'm gonna have to Britney Spears you

and get one of them "conservatorships".

Is that like a conservatory? I could put my pot plants in it.

No, son! It's where I take charge of your affairs.

No more late nights on the planning department website.

No more sneaking out to measure boundaries.

At least you're still smoking pot, though.

No, I quit. I just like the plants.

God damn it! What kind of pop star are you?

Don't you understand, Dad? No, I don't!

I don't really want approval from the planning department.

I want it... from you.

And the planning department. What?

Ever since I saw you put up a prefab garden shed without instructions,

even though there were two screws missing,

I've just wanted to be you.

Well, that's very nice of you to say, son.

But you've got two screws missing,

and I'm still taking charge of your bank accounts!

I feel gutted.

I feel used. I feel let down.

Great lyrics!

Put some Irish fiddle on it and whack it on Spotify.

Hello, is that Britney's dad?

It only bloody worked! HE LAUGHS

# I feel gutted

# I feel used

# I feel let down and abused

# Where's my gazebo

# Of love? #

The Pandora papers have revealed

that your biggest Tory donors may be mired in corruption.

Do you plan to continue taking dirty cash from dodgy donors?

Absolutely not.

All our donors are stringently scrutinised

by an ethics and integrity panel that is beyond reproach.

MONKEYS SCREECHING

BEEPING REPEATEDLY, MONKEYS SCREECHING

And this committee doesn't just rubber-stamp everything?

Sometimes, they're very hard to convince.

EXCITED SCREECHING

BEEPING REPEATEDLY

I rest my case. Next question.

Cristiano, after the final whistle, you stormed down the tunnel,

pouting, and shaking your head like a little baby.

Are you sulking because you started on the bench? No.

Ronaldo is not sulking

about stupid manager not starting best player in the world.

So you're not upset?

No. I am mature grown-up.

Now I take ball home and TELL MY MUM ON YOU!

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

ACAPELLA STING

Greta. Malala.

"Mother Earth"? Isn't that a bit Earth supremacist?

Yeah, I'm from the Mars Society,

and this kind of micro-aggression isn't helping my anxiety issues.

HE INHALES WHEEZILY

You're so lucky you only signed up five people.

Trying to keep track of all my members is going to be a nightmare.

The point is to get my message out.

That might be easier

if you hadn't put an extra apostrophe in "students".

I didn't have you down as a grammar Nazi.

Did you hear that, everyone? Greta just called me a Nazi.

EXCLAMATIONS No! I didn't!

She called me, Malala,

the girl who was shot by the Taliban, a Nazi!

That is not true!

A-And do you know who is in my club?

Harry Styles! Pfft!

I don't believe you. You're not cool enough.

Not like me and Fintan.

It IS true! I don't care how cool Fintan is.

HE INHALES

HE BELCHES

BORIS BABBLING Boris, dear...

you know what this flat needs?

Wallpaper. Very expensive wallpaper.

But, Carrie, my darling, I am somewhat strapped for cash.

THUNDERCLAP

Chunky goblin, do not dare to question my will.

You will do my bidding,

for I am Terror and you are my plaything.

Yes, dear. Say the words.

Say them!

By the power of sexual intercourse with someone 20 years my junior,

I will do thy bidding!

Good boy.

Go get the wallpaper. Yes, dear.

BABY CRIES, THUNDERCLAP

No more breast-feeding!

It stretches the boobs.

Honestly, it's such a mind-blowing honour

to be the youngest artist to ever headline Glastonbury.

Why am I not picked to play at festival?

Ronaldo should be first name on list!

I am taking guitar 'ome! Goodbye, assholes!

There. I've tightened up the loose nut on your stand.

Health and safety could have done you for that.

Thought that was all gonna change when we left the EU,

but there we are. Oh, Lee, I lied to Malala

and said Harry Styles has joined my club.

That's what she does to you! Now I'm going to look like a fool.

Oh, this looks cool! Harry!

You find it interesting?

Abso-fabulously!

Do you want to be part of it? Tota-rotally.

Malala, come and see! Harry Styles is in my club.

Really?

No, I was talking about these fab tools. They're so manly.

I'd love to be part of THIS. Oh, Greta...

Come on, Harry. Let's go to my party.

Actually, I'd rather go to the pub with Lee and talk about tools.

What?!

Come on, Lee. I'm buying. Bring your wrenchy thing.

Righto, mate.

But we've got drugs! Fintan's bringing Ventolin!

Why I am not picked for James Bond movie? I am perfect man.

Good fitness. I always win!

Now, Ronaldo, don't you think you're behaving a little childishly?

You are right, Daniel Craig. You see into my 'eart.

I have been acting like foolish baby. No more.

Good lad.

Argh! My arm! Referee!

Oh, Ronaldo. This is... no time to dive.

Come on, Ref. You gonna let him get away with that?!

Pretty soon, there's bound to be an opening on the Supreme Court.

And I gotta move it left. WAY left.

They'll go so left, it'll be tucked between my butt-cheeks.

I'll explain that to you later, sir.

Great, man.

I want a legal scholar the kids'll like.

Someone with pizzazz, razzmatazz.

If you're looking to upgrade the court's class and sass,

there's only one way to find the perfect nominee.

# RuPaul's Judge Race Start your engines

# RuPaul's Judge Race. #

Our first contestant comes to us

from the Third Circuit Court of Appeals.

Will her ensemble be appealing, or will it get her disbarred?

I'm serving you Babylonian style,

from the original lawmaker, King Hammurabi.

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, bitch.

And do NOT touch my beard extensions.

Old-school justice!

Republicans'll love her. But she's a no-sale to Dems.

Are those papyrus scrolls real? Because that would freak me out.

Our next lawyer is known for her legendary oral...

arguments!

I'll explain that one later.

I got that one. I've been on trains.

I'm dishing Good Shepherd of the Constitution.

You expect a nomination for that?

Don't count your sheep, Little Ho Peep.

CACKLES

But also, she's an expert on the Commerce Clause.

Next up, a real twist.

She tips the scales of justice with fierce, fishy realness.

Come through, bio queen.

Ooh, honey, they say justice is blind.

And your outfit proves it.

You shouldn't rush to judgement,

because I'm no believer in judicial restraint.

It's a Ru-veal! CHUCKLES

I'm gagging for it.

I think this queen may reign supreme.

SHE CACKLES

Help! Secret Service! A dog's got me!

BIDEN YELPING

GUNSHOTS

My motion was denied. I was tricked.

Overruled.

I will not stand for contempt of court.

You're dis-mizzed.

I swore I wasn't going to cry, but... I'll allow it.

HE SOBS

It's time for our final contestants...

..to lip-sync for your life...

time appointment to the Supreme Court.

Cue Samuel Alito's opinion in the case of Collins v Yelland.

# Because the Federal Housing Finance Agency, FHFA

# Did not exceed its authority

# Under the Housing And Economic Recovery Act of 2008

# As a conservator Of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac

# The anti-injunction... #

Hang on, stop the opinion. I know who our nominee should be.

He, she, they...

YOU have been here all along.

Me?

You've had to make the hardest and most important decisions for years.

Which fella looks like a dame?

I sentence us all to a life of eleganza.

# RuPaul's Judge Race

# May the best justice Best justice win! #

It was exciting in places,

and you could sense the audience responding to that,

but if I'm honest, it was overlong, complicated and very hard to follow.

INTERVIEWER: So you didn't like the Bond film?

What? No, I was talking about my speech

at the Labour Party conference.

As for the film,

I felt a lot of the issues really spoke to our national character -

patriotic and yet outward-looking,

not afraid to ask difficult...

Oh, why don't you fuck off?

The traffic light system for travel in Europe is over.

Britons are free once more to explore France, Spain and Crete,

where I saved Afghanistan and went snorkelling.

Deputy Prime Minister,

the leaders of Greece, Spain and France to see you.

Ah, Mr Raab, uh, we beg you.

Put us back on your red travel list.

Really? But why?

ALL: # Mr Raab, we beg you Put us back on your red travel list

# And stop the British tourists Coming over who are always pissed

# To vomit in our fountains After eating egg and chips for tea

# Shag on beaches unprotected Spreading all their STDs

# They point at menu Wave their arms

# And say our food Gives them the shits

# That is why we beg you

# Put us back On your red travel list

# They urinate in streets and alleys Making all our cities smell

# Wearing T-shirts printed With a penis saying, "Fucking hell"

# We've had enough Of British drunkards

# Falling off our balconies

# Of getting into nasty fights And clogging up our A&Es

# The hen-night women Roam the streets in scary packs

# And flash their tits

# Mr Raab, we beg you, put us back On your red travel list

# I hear you all, I hear you moan But here's the harsh reality

# You need the British tourists To prop up your flat economies

# So here's your choices

# Drunken yobs or unemployment Get my gist?

# Sadly, we agree that we must Stay off your red travel list. #

Oi, oi!

ALL EXCLAIMING

Oh, this is a lovely place to fish.

The Somerset Levels to our right, the Glastonbury Tor to our left.

Oh...

Ooh! 'Ey up, Susie - I've got a bite!

Oh, thank God! You saved me!

Argh! A talking fish! Throw it back!

No, please! The river's full of drugs

from all them Glastonbury ravers pissing in it.

I'm off me fucking nut on MDMA.

Fry me, eat me - just don't throw me back!

Oh, my God. Now I've got one.

SHE STRAINS

GOVE HUMMING TECHNO BEAT

Throw me back!

The party's just getting started! HE BEATBOXES

Hook me, hook me!

Well, we've got to eat one of them, and...

I'm allergic to fish.

BEATBOXING

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah

# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com