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00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:04,120
Good evening. The producers
of Spitting Image have invited me
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00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:07,400
to clarify some recent statements
made by the Met Police.
3
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:11,000
Now, before I get started,
they've asked me to take off my hat
4
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,600
and hold my head right about here.
5
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,600
CRUNCHING
Oh!
6
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:19,160
Ah! Fair point.
But Cressida Dick's not resigning.
7
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:20,600
CRUNCHING
Ooh!
8
00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:24,560
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
9
00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:27,800
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
10
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:30,280
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
11
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,600
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
12
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:37,760
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #
13
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,480
SIRENS WAILING
14
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:44,120
BIG BEN CHIMES
'WESTMINSTER QUARTERS'
15
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:48,600
Right. This week is my big speech
to the Tory conference.
16
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,720
I know I can please the crowd
classic Bozza style,
17
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:54,040
but this year, I really want
to dig into the issues.
18
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,600
Let me run it past you
and get your honest opinion.
19
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,280
Bring it on, boss!
Make love to my ears.
20
00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,440
"Hello, Manchester."
Pause for applause.
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00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,240
RAAB LAUGHS GLEEFULLY
Yes!
22
00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,920
The centrepiece of our programme
is "levelling up".
23
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:11,360
Good. Finally, the details of what
"levellin' up" actually means.
24
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,080
Look! I've got big knockers!
25
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,480
Ha-ha!
26
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,520
Oh, if these were real,
I'd never leave the house.
27
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:21,040
That will definitely play in the
Shires, but what about the economy?
28
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:22,600
Oh, I've got that.
29
00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:25,960
We shall turbocharge the economy,
no strings attached.
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00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,400
Very good. Excellent.
Oh! Yes.
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00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,200
But exactly how will we...?
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00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,040
SCREAMING: Argh! My eyes!
33
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,040
Strings! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
34
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,280
Ooh-ooh! Hoo-hee-ha-ha!
35
00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,200
Ah, God bless the man
who invented that.
36
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,080
And, of course, we shall
safeguard supplies of British food.
37
00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:44,400
Crivens.
Here comes the pie in the face.
38
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:45,600
Wrong. Brick!
39
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:46,640
CRUNCHING
Ooh!
40
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,640
Oh!
Yada-yada-yada...
41
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,880
THUD
..and then I get my cock out.
42
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,080
You can't win over
the entire Tory Party
43
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,840
with an hour of prop comedy
and knob gags!
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00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,160
ZIPPING,
CROWD ROARS
45
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,160
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,160
God, politics is easy.
47
00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:07,760
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
48
00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:11,600
OK, guys, we're here
to talk about our next campaign.
49
00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,200
Getting knocked out
of the World Cup?
50
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,240
No, our next campaign
to effect profound social change.
51
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,240
That's why we got into football,
right?
52
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,800
Sound. Also, the hot women
that we totally respect.
53
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,640
ITALIAN ACCENT: We at FIFA
support your progressive values.
54
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,400
Right, who has some ideas?
55
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,400
Apart from Marcus.
56
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,720
Stop human rights abuses?
Great idea!
57
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:34,600
But maybe we can leave this
until after the Qatar World Cup?
58
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,680
A campaign against junk food
that causes obesity?
59
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,080
Excellent!
We'll definitely consider that
60
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,320
when the sponsorship deals are up
in 2070.
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00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,840
We should stop taking money
from gambling companies.
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00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,520
They're ruining society.
63
00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:49,960
Yeah, that's right, they are.
Yes!
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00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,160
I had a grand on you to say that.
65
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,040
What about air pollution?
Perfect celebrity cause.
66
00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:57,360
Everyone's against it,
and no-one expects us
67
00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,760
to have any ideas
about how to solve it.
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00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,400
Yeah, yeah.
That's right, yeah.
69
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,000
Let's hop on the Learjet
and go buy Lamborghinis!
70
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,840
Wahey!
CORKS POPPING
71
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:06,920
Fantastic!
Great!
72
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,120
Yay!
73
00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,440
Mr President, we're never gonna
get anything through Congress
74
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,040
if we can't find
a reasonable Republican.
75
00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:18,600
The infrastructure bill
has collapsed,
76
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:22,440
budget reconciliation
is irreconcilable,
77
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,880
and gun control is shot to hell.
78
00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,920
Plus I forgot my Netflix login.
79
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,920
A lot of problems.
You know, I need my booster shot.
80
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,760
It's not a vaccine.
81
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,640
It's a blend of holy water
and chocolate syrup.
82
00:03:34,640 --> 00:03:37,120
Yeah! Bless my soul.
83
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,120
I feel like presidentin' all night.
84
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,360
Yowww!
85
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:43,160
We'll let you work.
Pull the cord if you need us.
86
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,000
DOOR OPENS, CLOSES
Think, Joe.
87
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,080
Where can I find
a reasonable Republican?
88
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,400
THUD
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00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,840
VOICE: Perhaps one was here
all along!
90
00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,440
Who are you?
Mayor Cheeseburger.
91
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:59,120
I was Donald Trump's
favourite secret advisor.
92
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,680
BIDEN SNORTS
Figures he'd like a talking burger.
93
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:05,120
Hey! I'm also a mayor -
of Burgertown!
94
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,160
A Republican stronghold!
95
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:10,080
And this is my colleague
from Idaho -
96
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,080
Reverend French Fries.
97
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,080
Praise the Lord
and pass the ketchup!
98
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:17,040
Hey, you two are diner folk,
just like me.
99
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:20,480
That's right!
We're all regular Joes,
100
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,760
not Washington Beltway insiders.
101
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,760
We're ready to compromise
on everything... except flavour.
102
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:29,080
I bet we can work out a deal.
CRUNCH
103
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,200
Ow! Hey, man,
that's my frontal lobe!
104
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:34,000
My God! We thought
we could work with you,
105
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,760
but you're just
another liberal brain-eater!
106
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,440
No, no, no, wait!
107
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,320
We'll never make a deal.
108
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,680
Wake up!
THUD
109
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,400
Wake up!
ETHEREAL CHIMES
110
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,840
Wake up! Wake up!
111
00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:47,840
HE GASPS
Whoa. What the heck?
112
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,840
So it was all a dream...
113
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:51,800
But I learned an important lesson -
114
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:57,040
no compromise is possible as long as
we keep eating each other's brains.
115
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,320
Uh, maybe no more booster shots
for you.
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00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:03,520
HE RETCHES,
DRAMATIC STRINGS
117
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,000
Hey, guys. It's Chrissy Teigen.
118
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:10,280
Ten years ago, I did something bad,
and I need to apologise.
119
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:14,160
I tweeted something very cruel
to a teenager.
120
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,920
I am so sorry.
121
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,640
But that's not who I am now.
122
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,880
You know, I-I've evolved
into a kind, thoughtful...
123
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:23,080
PHONE CHIMES
124
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:26,080
Did someone just thumbs-down me?
125
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:29,080
Who the HELL do you think you are?!
126
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:31,320
I hope you fall into a river
and go missing for days
127
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,720
and your husband thinks you're dead
and remarries someone
128
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,400
RIGHT on your empty grave!
129
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,840
And here's what happened
to your skull!
130
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:39,280
ANGRY SCREAM,
CLATTERING
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00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,920
PIGS SNORTING
Breaks my heart,
132
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:42,640
but we're gonna have to
cull these pigs.
133
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:44,400
We've got no choice.
134
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,000
With no truck drivers
to take 'em to t'market,
135
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,440
we have to destroy them.
136
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,720
HE GRUNTS,
PANTS
137
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,360
I'll take your damn pigs to market!
138
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,400
Tom Cruise? But why?
139
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,560
Because I once had a farm
with a little pig called Babe.
140
00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:59,680
He was so special -
he wanted to herd sheep,
141
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,440
but I didn't believe in him.
142
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:02,840
I let him down.
143
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:06,600
And if I deliver your pigs,
I can make amends!
144
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,680
Wasn't that the movie Babe?
And you wasn't even in that.
145
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,360
Damn it. I need redemption!!
146
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,320
OK, OK. The truck's over there.
147
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,560
Listen to me.
I lied to those farmers.
148
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,800
I'm going to set you free.
149
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,080
They won't make you
into honey-roast ham,
150
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,000
or... pork sausages
with pepper and nutmeg...
151
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,640
or a delicious bacon sandwich
with vine-ripe tomatoes
152
00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,040
and aioli mayonnaise.
TRUCK BEEPS AS PASSING
153
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:32,760
SIZZLING
Mm! Boy, this pig is delicious!
154
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,560
Wait - I didn't get my redemption!
155
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:38,920
ANGUISHED: I'm sorry, Babe!
156
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,280
Hey, guys. Chrissy again.
157
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,720
I have to apologise
for my previous apology.
158
00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:49,720
Uh, I told @cutie-kitty92
that she should fall in a river.
159
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:53,040
I am so sorry.
160
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:56,040
And I apologise to all the fans
of my cookware line
161
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,840
that was pulled
from Macy's and Target
162
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:00,120
because of my previous apology.
163
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,880
It's such a bummer,
cos these pans are lightweight,
164
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:06,200
durable, non-stick...
PHONE CHIMES
165
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:10,280
Oh! My pan sticks,
says @angeleyes.215?
166
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:13,240
You know what this pan
would do to your skull?!
167
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,320
ANGRY GRUNTS,
THWACKING
168
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,400
Huh. Right.
169
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,680
I've done knitting -
2 million views,
170
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,040
I've done cupcakes -
5 million views,
171
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:26,320
and I've pimped my shopping trolley
- 10 million views!
172
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:30,000
But what next for my YouTube
channel, Inside Tom Daley?
173
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:33,440
Lance? Lance! I need some help here!
174
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,320
You never wanna make content
with me.
175
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,360
I'm busy with this screenplay
about the life
176
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,040
of a gay World War Two bomber pilot
who obliterated Dresden
177
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,640
and went on to invent
the Post-it note!
178
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,040
Well, that's really inspiring,
but it's not content!
179
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,360
What? We made content the other day!
180
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,640
That doesn't count.
Your mind wasn't on it.
181
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,640
We used to make content
five times a day!
182
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,760
Tom, content isn't everything.
183
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,920
I want our relationship
to be more than that.
184
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,520
The last time we made content,
it was last thing on a Sunday night,
185
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:02,000
it only lasted five minutes, and
you struggled to get it uploaded.
186
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,000
Is that all I am to you?
A content provider?
187
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,840
Course not.
I love all the... typing you do.
188
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,120
I'm always polishing your Oscar.
189
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,160
I just think content's more exciting
when it's spontaneous.
190
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,320
We could make content now!
That would be spontaneous!
191
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,360
I can't be spontaneous
just like that!
192
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,080
Ugh. Well, if you're not gonna
make content with me,
193
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,440
maybe I need to find someone
who will.
194
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:24,800
Don't be like that, honey.
195
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,920
I promise, I'll make content
with you later.
196
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,240
Thanks.
197
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,840
Fancy a shag?
Yeah! Let's spice it up.
198
00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,640
I'll put a shirt ON.
199
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,520
And I'll wear that sexy little
number you got me for my birthday.
200
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:39,760
Mm!
TOM GIGGLES GLEEFULLY
201
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,800
You guys. Wow.
202
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:45,520
I am so filled with shame
for my behaviour
203
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,160
that I wanna crawl into a hole.
204
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,480
People are saying
I'm just trolling them,
205
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:53,360
but I swear,
I'm a deeply flawed human,
206
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,680
but I'm not a troll.
207
00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:57,440
PHONE CHIMES
What?
208
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,720
I do not have troll ears.
209
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,000
They've been surgically trimmed
to help hold back my hair.
210
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,360
Mm!
211
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,680
Hello, Chrissy.
It's me, Mark Zuckerberg.
212
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:11,080
Oh! Let me guess -
you're banning me for hate speech!
213
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,720
No. We at Facebook-Instagram
214
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,640
neither condemn nor condone
anything.
215
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,680
However, you've exceeded
your apology count.
216
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:23,560
OK, I admit - I'm a troll.
I was always a troll.
217
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,840
I live under a bridge,
and I eat goats,
218
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,560
and the only thing I'm sorry for
219
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,640
is that I didn't start eating goats
sooner!
220
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,720
More goats! BRING ME GOATS!
221
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,720
FEROCIOUS SNARFING
222
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:41,000
UPBEAT MUSIC
223
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,040
What the fuck is going on here,
son?
224
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:46,840
I'm just deciding
my favourite type of rice.
225
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:48,320
HE VOCALISES
226
00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:50,640
I've got it down to pilau,
long-grain and white.
227
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:53,760
Do what? I've got the record company
all right up my April.
228
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,520
Show me what you been working on!
229
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,600
It's my masterpiece, Dad.
Great.
230
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,520
Will it have some white-boy rapping
on it?
231
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,080
It's a C-111 form!
232
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,120
It allows planning permission
for a one-storey,
233
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:05,720
non-residential development
on a Grade II-listed building.
234
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,760
That's not gonna get played
at weddings!
235
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:11,000
No, but it will stop my neighbour
Tony from blocking my new gazebo.
236
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,560
HE VOCALISES
I'm turning my little village estate
237
00:10:13,560 --> 00:10:15,000
into a gazebo heaven!
238
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:18,840
You're supposed to be a pop star!
You've lost focus.
239
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,200
No, I'm totally focused.
240
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,880
Look! I've also found
this 17th-century covenant
241
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,720
which will stop my
other neighbour - Mary -
242
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:28,720
from extending her garden
into my patio!
243
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,720
You're mentally
and musically unstable.
244
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:33,440
I'm gonna have to Britney Spears you
245
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,800
and get one of
them "conservatorships".
246
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,920
Is that like a conservatory?
I could put my pot plants in it.
247
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,760
No, son! It's where I take charge
of your affairs.
248
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:45,160
No more late nights
on the planning department website.
249
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:47,400
No more sneaking out
to measure boundaries.
250
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:49,600
At least you're still smoking pot,
though.
251
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:51,680
No, I quit. I just like the plants.
252
00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:55,000
God damn it!
What kind of pop star are you?
253
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,440
Don't you understand, Dad?
No, I don't!
254
00:10:57,440 --> 00:11:00,360
I don't really want approval
from the planning department.
255
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,400
I want it... from you.
256
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,240
And the planning department.
What?
257
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:08,320
Ever since I saw you put up a prefab
garden shed without instructions,
258
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,080
even though
there were two screws missing,
259
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,720
I've just wanted to be you.
260
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,200
Well, that's very nice of you
to say, son.
261
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:15,800
But you've got two screws missing,
262
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,120
and I'm still taking charge
of your bank accounts!
263
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,680
I feel gutted.
264
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,640
I feel used. I feel let down.
265
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,120
Great lyrics!
266
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:27,440
Put some Irish fiddle on it
and whack it on Spotify.
267
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,400
Hello, is that Britney's dad?
268
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,520
It only bloody worked!
HE LAUGHS
269
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:35,920
# I feel gutted
270
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,280
# I feel used
271
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,640
# I feel let down and abused
272
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:46,280
# Where's my gazebo
273
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:50,640
# Of love? #
274
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,600
The Pandora papers have revealed
275
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,440
that your biggest Tory donors
may be mired in corruption.
276
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:59,240
Do you plan to continue
taking dirty cash from dodgy donors?
277
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,680
Absolutely not.
278
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:02,760
All our donors
are stringently scrutinised
279
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:06,160
by an ethics and integrity panel
that is beyond reproach.
280
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,320
MONKEYS SCREECHING
281
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,840
BEEPING REPEATEDLY,
MONKEYS SCREECHING
282
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:16,840
And this committee doesn't
just rubber-stamp everything?
283
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,320
Sometimes,
they're very hard to convince.
284
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,920
EXCITED SCREECHING
285
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,840
BEEPING REPEATEDLY
286
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,120
I rest my case. Next question.
287
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:40,160
Cristiano, after the final whistle,
you stormed down the tunnel,
288
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,920
pouting, and shaking your head
like a little baby.
289
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,000
Are you sulking because
you started on the bench? No.
290
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,080
Ronaldo is not sulking
291
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:49,560
about stupid manager not starting
best player in the world.
292
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:50,920
So you're not upset?
293
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,000
No. I am mature grown-up.
294
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,560
Now I take ball home
and TELL MY MUM ON YOU!
295
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:56,880
HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
296
00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:00,520
ACAPELLA STING
297
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,760
Greta.
Malala.
298
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:13,480
"Mother Earth"?
Isn't that a bit Earth supremacist?
299
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,880
Yeah, I'm from the Mars Society,
300
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:19,120
and this kind of micro-aggression
isn't helping my anxiety issues.
301
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,720
HE INHALES WHEEZILY
302
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,600
You're so lucky
you only signed up five people.
303
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:28,280
Trying to keep track of all my
members is going to be a nightmare.
304
00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:30,040
The point is to get my message out.
305
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,440
That might be easier
306
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:33,840
if you hadn't put
an extra apostrophe in "students".
307
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,200
I didn't have you down
as a grammar Nazi.
308
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,280
Did you hear that, everyone?
Greta just called me a Nazi.
309
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:42,880
EXCLAMATIONS
No! I didn't!
310
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,760
She called me, Malala,
311
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,720
the girl who was shot
by the Taliban, a Nazi!
312
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:49,200
That is not true!
313
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,000
A-And do you know who is in my club?
314
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,400
Harry Styles!
Pfft!
315
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,680
I don't believe you.
You're not cool enough.
316
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,040
Not like me and Fintan.
317
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:01,840
It IS true!
I don't care how cool Fintan is.
318
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,040
HE INHALES
319
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,400
HE BELCHES
320
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,120
BORIS BABBLING
Boris, dear...
321
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:13,880
you know what this flat needs?
322
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:18,280
Wallpaper. Very expensive wallpaper.
323
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:23,200
But, Carrie, my darling,
I am somewhat strapped for cash.
324
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,120
THUNDERCLAP
325
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:28,640
Chunky goblin,
do not dare to question my will.
326
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,080
You will do my bidding,
327
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:34,960
for I am Terror
and you are my plaything.
328
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,120
Yes, dear.
Say the words.
329
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,880
Say them!
330
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:43,440
By the power of sexual intercourse
with someone 20 years my junior,
331
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,360
I will do thy bidding!
332
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:46,840
Good boy.
333
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,360
Go get the wallpaper.
Yes, dear.
334
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,640
BABY CRIES,
THUNDERCLAP
335
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,280
No more breast-feeding!
336
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,720
It stretches the boobs.
337
00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,960
Honestly,
it's such a mind-blowing honour
338
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:04,640
to be the youngest artist
to ever headline Glastonbury.
339
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,760
Why am I not picked
to play at festival?
340
00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:08,920
Ronaldo should be
first name on list!
341
00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,880
I am taking guitar 'ome!
Goodbye, assholes!
342
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,080
There. I've tightened up
the loose nut on your stand.
343
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,160
Health and safety
could have done you for that.
344
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,480
Thought that was all gonna change
when we left the EU,
345
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,600
but there we are.
Oh, Lee, I lied to Malala
346
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,760
and said Harry Styles
has joined my club.
347
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,840
That's what she does to you!
Now I'm going to look like a fool.
348
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,440
Oh, this looks cool!
Harry!
349
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,160
You find it interesting?
350
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:37,840
Abso-fabulously!
351
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,520
Do you want to be part of it?
Tota-rotally.
352
00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:44,560
Malala, come and see!
Harry Styles is in my club.
353
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:45,640
Really?
354
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:49,640
No, I was talking about
these fab tools. They're so manly.
355
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,480
I'd love to be part of THIS.
Oh, Greta...
356
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,120
Come on, Harry.
Let's go to my party.
357
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:58,200
Actually, I'd rather go to the pub
with Lee and talk about tools.
358
00:15:58,200 --> 00:15:59,400
What?!
359
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,120
Come on, Lee. I'm buying.
Bring your wrenchy thing.
360
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,400
Righto, mate.
361
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,560
But we've got drugs!
Fintan's bringing Ventolin!
362
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:13,240
Why I am not picked for
James Bond movie? I am perfect man.
363
00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,560
Good fitness. I always win!
364
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:19,160
Now, Ronaldo, don't you think
you're behaving a little childishly?
365
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:22,120
You are right, Daniel Craig.
You see into my 'eart.
366
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,000
I have been acting
like foolish baby. No more.
367
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,280
Good lad.
368
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:29,000
Argh! My arm! Referee!
369
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,560
Oh, Ronaldo.
This is... no time to dive.
370
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,760
Come on, Ref. You gonna let him
get away with that?!
371
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:42,480
Pretty soon, there's bound to be
an opening on the Supreme Court.
372
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,440
And I gotta move it left. WAY left.
373
00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,000
They'll go so left, it'll be
tucked between my butt-cheeks.
374
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,000
I'll explain that to you later, sir.
375
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,280
Great, man.
376
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:53,640
I want a legal scholar
the kids'll like.
377
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,240
Someone with pizzazz, razzmatazz.
378
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,360
If you're looking to upgrade
the court's class and sass,
379
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,760
there's only one way
to find the perfect nominee.
380
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,880
# RuPaul's Judge Race
Start your engines
381
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,720
# RuPaul's Judge Race. #
382
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,240
Our first contestant comes to us
383
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,600
from the Third Circuit
Court of Appeals.
384
00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,200
Will her ensemble be appealing,
or will it get her disbarred?
385
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,120
I'm serving you Babylonian style,
386
00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,520
from the original lawmaker,
King Hammurabi.
387
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,160
Eye for an eye,
tooth for a tooth, bitch.
388
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,440
And do NOT touch
my beard extensions.
389
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:30,960
Old-school justice!
390
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:34,400
Republicans'll love her.
But she's a no-sale to Dems.
391
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:38,160
Are those papyrus scrolls real?
Because that would freak me out.
392
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,280
Our next lawyer is known
for her legendary oral...
393
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:42,800
arguments!
394
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,520
I'll explain that one later.
395
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,680
I got that one.
I've been on trains.
396
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:51,720
I'm dishing Good Shepherd
of the Constitution.
397
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:53,960
You expect a nomination for that?
398
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,520
Don't count your sheep,
Little Ho Peep.
399
00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:59,000
CACKLES
400
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,120
But also, she's an expert
on the Commerce Clause.
401
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,520
Next up, a real twist.
402
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:09,080
She tips the scales of justice
with fierce, fishy realness.
403
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,600
Come through, bio queen.
404
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,640
Ooh, honey,
they say justice is blind.
405
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,960
And your outfit proves it.
406
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,640
You shouldn't rush to judgement,
407
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,280
because I'm no believer
in judicial restraint.
408
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,480
It's a Ru-veal!
CHUCKLES
409
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:24,920
I'm gagging for it.
410
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,600
I think this queen
may reign supreme.
411
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,720
SHE CACKLES
412
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,760
Help! Secret Service!
A dog's got me!
413
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,680
BIDEN YELPING
414
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,520
GUNSHOTS
415
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,040
My motion was denied.
I was tricked.
416
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,600
Overruled.
417
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:46,000
I will not stand
for contempt of court.
418
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,880
You're dis-mizzed.
419
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:51,240
I swore I wasn't going to cry,
but... I'll allow it.
420
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,760
HE SOBS
421
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,080
It's time
for our final contestants...
422
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,640
..to lip-sync for your life...
423
00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,720
time appointment
to the Supreme Court.
424
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:10,600
Cue Samuel Alito's opinion
in the case of Collins v Yelland.
425
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:15,600
# Because the Federal Housing
Finance Agency, FHFA
426
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,080
# Did not exceed its authority
427
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:20,160
# Under the Housing
And Economic Recovery Act of 2008
428
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,560
# As a conservator
Of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac
429
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:23,960
# The anti-injunction... #
430
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:27,680
Hang on, stop the opinion.
I know who our nominee should be.
431
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,000
He, she, they...
432
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,440
YOU have been here all along.
433
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:33,640
Me?
434
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:37,320
You've had to make the hardest and
most important decisions for years.
435
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:40,400
Which fella looks like a dame?
436
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:44,360
I sentence us all
to a life of eleganza.
437
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,600
# RuPaul's Judge Race
438
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:52,080
# May the best justice
Best justice win! #
439
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:54,240
It was exciting in places,
440
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,760
and you could sense the audience
responding to that,
441
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,680
but if I'm honest, it was overlong,
complicated and very hard to follow.
442
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,240
INTERVIEWER:
So you didn't like the Bond film?
443
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,920
What? No, I was talking
about my speech
444
00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:05,360
at the Labour Party conference.
445
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:06,440
As for the film,
446
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,080
I felt a lot of the issues really
spoke to our national character -
447
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:10,920
patriotic
and yet outward-looking,
448
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,560
not afraid to ask difficult...
449
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,000
Oh, why don't you fuck off?
450
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,520
The traffic light system
for travel in Europe is over.
451
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:22,320
Britons are free once more
to explore France, Spain and Crete,
452
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,720
where I saved Afghanistan
and went snorkelling.
453
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:25,960
Deputy Prime Minister,
454
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,680
the leaders of Greece,
Spain and France to see you.
455
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:31,280
Ah, Mr Raab, uh, we beg you.
456
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,640
Put us back on
your red travel list.
457
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,520
Really? But why?
458
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:42,560
ALL: # Mr Raab, we beg you
Put us back on your red travel list
459
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:45,800
# And stop the British tourists
Coming over who are always pissed
460
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,880
# To vomit in our fountains
After eating egg and chips for tea
461
00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:52,640
# Shag on beaches unprotected
Spreading all their STDs
462
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,440
# They point at menu
Wave their arms
463
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,120
# And say our food
Gives them the shits
464
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:58,400
# That is why we beg you
465
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,520
# Put us back
On your red travel list
466
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,360
# They urinate in streets and alleys
Making all our cities smell
467
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:06,640
# Wearing T-shirts printed
With a penis saying, "Fucking hell"
468
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,040
# We've had enough
Of British drunkards
469
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:11,520
# Falling off our balconies
470
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,600
# Of getting into nasty fights
And clogging up our A&Es
471
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,880
# The hen-night women
Roam the streets in scary packs
472
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:17,960
# And flash their tits
473
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:21,160
# Mr Raab, we beg you, put us back
On your red travel list
474
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:25,800
# I hear you all, I hear you moan
But here's the harsh reality
475
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,040
# You need the British tourists
To prop up your flat economies
476
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,760
# So here's your choices
477
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,200
# Drunken yobs or unemployment
Get my gist?
478
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:37,120
# Sadly, we agree that we must
Stay off your red travel list. #
479
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:38,600
Oi, oi!
480
00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,400
ALL EXCLAIMING
481
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,120
Oh, this is a lovely place to fish.
482
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:48,480
The Somerset Levels to our right,
the Glastonbury Tor to our left.
483
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:49,960
Oh...
484
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,640
Ooh! 'Ey up, Susie -
I've got a bite!
485
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,440
Oh, thank God! You saved me!
486
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,680
Argh! A talking fish! Throw it back!
487
00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,080
No, please!
The river's full of drugs
488
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,720
from all them Glastonbury ravers
pissing in it.
489
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,560
I'm off me fucking nut on MDMA.
490
00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:09,800
Fry me, eat me -
just don't throw me back!
491
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,200
Oh, my God. Now I've got one.
492
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,720
SHE STRAINS
493
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,880
GOVE HUMMING TECHNO BEAT
494
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,240
Throw me back!
495
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:20,280
The party's just getting started!
HE BEATBOXES
496
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,040
Hook me, hook me!
497
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,240
Well, we've got to eat one of them,
and...
498
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,040
I'm allergic to fish.
499
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,120
BEATBOXING
500
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:37,200
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
501
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:42,040
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
502
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:46,960
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
503
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,200
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
504
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:54,320
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #
505
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:57,640
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