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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,200
That completes
tonight's COVID briefing.
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00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:03,840
I will now take questions on video.
3
00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:05,560
First up, Nicki Minaj.
4
00:00:05,560 --> 00:00:08,360
'Er, I've got a question
for your science ass.
5
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:10,120
'My cousin's friend's testicles
6
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:13,160
'did blow up the size of Trinidad
from the vaccine.
7
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,480
'Yes, boo.
8
00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:18,680
'Also, if you belch, fart and sneeze
at the same time, you die.
9
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:20,880
'My manager's dog said it did that.
Right, Barbz?
10
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:25,200
'And if you eat a booger,
you get pregnant with a booger baby.
11
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,560
'That's real.
And they have feelings.
12
00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:30,920
'What's that, booger baby?
You don't want the vaccine?
13
00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,200
'Don't worry, I'm doing research
14
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,200
'and I'm gonna
get to the bottom of this.
15
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,320
'O-K-K-K-K-K-K.'
16
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:40,440
Still, better than taking questions
from The Daily Mail.
17
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:44,440
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
18
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,040
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
19
00:00:47,040 --> 00:00:50,160
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
20
00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:53,480
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
21
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:57,640
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #
22
00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,400
SIREN BLARES
23
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,640
IAIN STIRLING: 'Every year,
the leaders of the G20,
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00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:05,640
'the world's biggest economies,
25
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:08,440
'come together
to settle their differences.
26
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:12,280
'At stake, the lives
and livelihoods of humanity.
27
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,760
'Boring!
28
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:17,520
'So the G20 leaders
have asked us here at Love Island
29
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:19,000
'to shake things up!
30
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,560
'We've brought them
to this two-and-a-half-star resort
31
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,480
'on the rocky side of Ibiza,
32
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:27,240
'where they'll ensure
global financial stability,
33
00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:31,560
'form trade alliances,
and most importantly, find love!'
34
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,160
Jacinda and I
are a natural alliance.
35
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,920
We already sent
Trudeau and Erdogan home.
36
00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:44,400
They totally botched the
37
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:46,680
"Pass The Carrot With Your Arse"
challenge.
38
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,640
But Putin and Merkel
are forging bilateral agreements
39
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:51,200
like wombats in a billabong.
40
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:54,800
Who wants to get annihilated
by doing vodka-Molly shots?
41
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,080
Shouldn't we grapple
42
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:59,080
with the problem
of dual hemisphere deflation?
43
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:03,320
How about you deal with your dual
hemisphere deflation, am I right?
44
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,200
Ugh! This is a European beach.
Grow up!
45
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:10,400
Hey, Putin! That's my flag
you're towelling off with!
46
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:14,080
Sorry. Already used it
to dry my crotch.
47
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:15,560
Huh!
BORIS MUMBLES
48
00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,080
I did not come here to make friends.
49
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,040
Well, I'm desperate to make friends,
50
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,480
and all I get
is a face full of dick towel!
51
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:27,920
Scotland's health system's
at crisis point.
52
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:29,920
Nobody in Scotland
can get an ambulance.
53
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:31,120
What am I going to do?
54
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,440
Have you tried blaming England,
First Minister?
55
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,720
Of course I have, you wee fud!
SHE GRUNTS
56
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,280
THUD,
HE GROANS
57
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:38,560
But the NHS is fully devolved.
58
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,880
People are starting to realise
this is my fault.
59
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,480
I have to call in the British Army!
60
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,320
I'll drive your damn ambulances.
61
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:48,320
That's great, Tom, but why?
62
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:49,680
Because when I was in the Navy,
63
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,600
I had to get justice
for a murdered private -
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00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,960
William T Santiago.
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00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,720
To honour his memory, any job that
he would have done, I have to do.
66
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,720
And even though he was
a United States Marine
67
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,040
based at Guantanamo Bay,
68
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:03,120
I know he'd be right here
driving ambulances in Glasgow.
69
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:04,800
You're on.
Great.
70
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,440
But I'll need someone to help me
navigate the Scottish roads.
71
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:08,760
Alex Salmond.
72
00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,200
Goddammit,
I'm trying to help people,
73
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:13,680
but you keep taking us
the wrong way.
74
00:03:13,680 --> 00:03:16,680
It's not the destination
that matters, it's the journey.
75
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,120
Dude, did you eat the map?
Tell me the truth!
76
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,080
Did you eat the map?
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00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,280
HE BELCHES
78
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:23,760
You can't handle the truth.
79
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,320
So you admit it! I rest my case.
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00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,760
TYRES SCREECH
BOTH: Whoa!
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00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,000
SPLASHING
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00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:34,800
I'm sorry, Santiago!
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00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,480
TEXT ALERT
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00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,080
I've got a text!
85
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,360
"Islanders, you have to negotiate
86
00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:45,440
"a 3% reduction
in global carbon emissions
87
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,840
"while passing a raw squid
from mouth to mouth."
88
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:49,880
GASPING
89
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:54,800
GRUNTING: This would've been easier
if you hadn't left the EU.
90
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,840
That's negative two points
for the squid slip!
91
00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:00,800
BOTH: Vegemite!
92
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:04,720
'The bison calf is dead,
and the vulture feasts on its eyes.
93
00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:09,360
'Cold, indifferent nature
cares nothing for a mother's tears.'
94
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,720
Another Werner BLEEP Herzog
animal documentary.
95
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:17,640
Lighten up, you miserable bastard!
Nature can be BLEEP funny.
96
00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:21,120
Funny? How? All we ever do
is eat or get eaten.
97
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,880
Funny how? Funny this!
98
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,560
HE FARTS,
THEN LAUGHS
99
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,280
Vern, that's disgusting!
100
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:27,320
Sorry, honey.
101
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:28,400
SHE FARTS
102
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,400
Fooled you!
Oof, Jesus!
103
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,160
Whoa! Wow! What, have you been
eating dung beetles again?
104
00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:34,360
BOTH FART
105
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,640
Hey, Herzog, film this,
you gloomy Teutonic BLEEP!
106
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:37,920
HE LAUGHS
107
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,520
LION ROARS,
CRUNCH
108
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,440
Vern? Vern?
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00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,680
Oh, shit.
110
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:49,480
'Across the earth
blows the cold wind of death.'
111
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,440
He has a point.
112
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,400
The Love Island Summit
is supposed to build community.
113
00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:01,040
Who knew getting people drunk
in the sun just causes drama?
114
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,440
You won't commit
to copyright protection,
115
00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,200
your performance in the lap-dance
challenge made me weep.
116
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,000
I have to question if you're here
for the right reasons!
117
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,400
I'm not into communal activities
unless enforced by the state.
118
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,320
MOBILE VIBRATES
119
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,200
I've got a text!
120
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:18,000
SHE READS: "Tonight, we vote on...
121
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,280
"..sanctions."
122
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,040
Oh, fuck! Fuck!
I'm not here.
123
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,000
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
124
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:33,040
We all voted on sanctions,
and it's time to read the results.
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00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,440
And the vote is...
126
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,240
..sanctions on Russia!
127
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:40,800
GASPING
128
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,120
Damn it! I need to upgrade
my vote-rigging software.
129
00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:44,760
I've got a text!
130
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,920
It's yet another big twist.
131
00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:50,360
A new Islander
is joining us right now.
132
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:53,320
Ooh, I hope it's hot twins!
133
00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:59,640
Howdy!
Oh, God!
134
00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:01,680
That is the exact opposite
of hot twins.
135
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,000
All right, America's here.
136
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,720
I'm declaring a new alliance.
137
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,720
Australia, the UK, and the US.
138
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,880
#AwkusMaximus.
139
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,720
Take that, bat breath.
140
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,080
Ooh, I'm so scared (!)
141
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:17,000
Mr American Big Mac
and his two chicken nuggets.
142
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,600
Hey, Australia is getting
nuclear submarines,
143
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:24,240
for which the UK is providing
precision-engineered biscuits.
144
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,800
You were supposed to buy
French submarines,
145
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,280
powered by
fine Bordeaux diesel fuel!
146
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:32,720
Right, but the instruction manual
was in bloody French!
147
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,480
Your loss.
148
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:35,920
Periscope up!
149
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,200
SHE GIGGLES
Oh!
150
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:42,920
Guys, you know I'm loving
your chanting very much,
151
00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:46,560
but at the Liverpools we are wanting
to make the chanting less offensive.
152
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,040
What's the point in that?
153
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,360
Well, you get to support
the Liverpools,
154
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,400
but also not make other people
feel so bad.
155
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,760
Let's try it, ja?
Ha-ha!
156
00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,480
The referee's a wanker!
157
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:02,880
But masturbation is a healthy part
of the human experience!
158
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:05,320
Right, guys! Ha-ha!
Boom!
159
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:07,760
You're shit and you know you are!
160
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:11,640
Which shows an impressive degree
of insight and modesty!
161
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:15,800
You fat bastard!
You fat bastard!
162
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:19,600
All body shapes are valid!
In or out of wedlock!
163
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,360
Shut up, you wanker!
164
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,320
Ow!
THUDDING
165
00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:26,440
Feedback. Wow! fantastic!
166
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,000
Ha-ha!
167
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,280
Good evening.
168
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,160
Britain's carbon dioxide,
or CO2, supplies are falling,
169
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,800
putting our food supplies at risk.
170
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,040
There are many reasons,
171
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,320
but I've been told by the government
that none of them are Brexit.
172
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,880
Luckily, we all produce CO2
when we talk,
173
00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,280
in a process called "out-gassing".
174
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,080
We have developed
a device to harness this.
175
00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,440
I will now demonstrate
with the help of the Prime Minister.
176
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,000
Mr Johnson,
tell us about Winston Churchill.
177
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,240
Ah, yes! Winston Churchill,
178
00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,800
perhaps the greatest Prime Minister
this country has ever had.
179
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,880
A colossus,
bestriding the world stage.
180
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,120
We've already produced enough
hot gas
181
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,560
to carbonate 15 barrels of beer.
182
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,320
..packing.
Indefatigable, unshakeable.
183
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:11,720
He is, without doubt...
184
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,440
FRANTIC BLEEPING
185
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:14,520
The pressure's too high!
186
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,720
Deploy the
emergency-braking question!
187
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,760
How many children do you have?
188
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,640
FRANTIC BLEEPING
189
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,760
The bulldog spirit
of the indomitable British.
190
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,120
It's not working!
ALARM BLARES
191
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,360
Take cover!
CLATTERING
192
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,440
BOOMING
193
00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:40,640
I have nothing to offer
but blood, sweat and gas.
194
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,160
HE BELCHES
195
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:51,600
Madame Vice President,
I'm proud of the work
196
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,840
we two have done
for the Black community.
197
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,200
It's hard to believe
that in our lifetime
198
00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,520
we've made Juneteenth
a federal holiday!
199
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:03,280
No-one was asking for it,
but we got it done.
200
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:06,320
Still, it does seem
more of a symbolic gesture.
201
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,480
Yes, a gesture of progress!
202
00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:13,080
A progressive gesture of symbolism.
203
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,760
You know what would be
a real progressive step?
204
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,720
Actual reparations.
205
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,960
I feel you, sister.
We're not sisters.
206
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,640
I hear you, girlfriend.
207
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:26,760
Well, reparations are politically
risky and an uphill battle,
208
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,640
but I will make something happen!
209
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,040
Mr Lin-Manuel Miranda,
210
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:37,200
I want you to write a song
celebrating reparations.
211
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:38,640
Wow, it's really gonna happen!
212
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:43,320
Yes, the uplifting hope of starting
the conversation about reparations
213
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:46,440
is going to happen,
thanks to your song.
214
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,960
It'll be like that
Imagine video from the pandemic!
215
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,720
That was widely hated...
but widely viewed!
216
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:57,200
I'll call the song Raparations.
I would never have thought of that.
217
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,800
Of course, the man who invented
hip-hop is a genius.
218
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,440
I'm already in the flow.
Gimme a beat.
219
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:06,600
SHE BEATBOXES
220
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:08,920
# Nancy Pelosi
You're gonna toast me
221
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:12,160
# Cos this song will be
Closely associated
222
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,680
# With not being hated. #
223
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,000
BEATBOXING STOPS
224
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,520
Don't worry, I'm working on it.
225
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:25,600
In the end, the only alliance
that survived was Jacinda and me.
226
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,080
Not surprising,
since we are basically one country.
227
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,400
And how's that working out?
228
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:31,480
Bloody awful.
229
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:34,680
We're in a war over
who invented the Pavlova dessert.
230
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,600
Plus, everyone keeps confusing
our accents.
231
00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:38,800
Which is crazy,
because they're totally different.
232
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,200
Wait, did I say that?
233
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:43,600
SLOW JAZZ MUSIC
234
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,600
Branding is all about
creating an experience.
235
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,640
And I will teach you
how to sell that.
236
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,680
As you enjoy a bottle
of my delicious Whatamana tequila...
237
00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:57,000
Go out and buy it, I can wait.
238
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:00,480
I'm Dwayne Johnson.
239
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:04,040
And you're paying me
to sell you tequila.
240
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,240
Lin-Manuel,
241
00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:13,640
what's our three-minute
hip-hop song about reparations like?
242
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,440
Like a four-hour musical.
243
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,240
I play Alexander Hamilton's
great-grandson,
244
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:22,280
a time-travelling space immigrant
who serves justice to the oppressed.
245
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,520
Check out my space wig.
BEAT STARTS
246
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,800
# Yo, I'm Devon Hamilton, you see
247
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,720
# It's t-t-2093
248
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:33,200
# Gonna heal a broken nation
With a raparation
249
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:36,320
# Conversation
A conversation that is serious
250
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,640
# Make you delirious
You hearing this?
251
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:41,560
# I'm Devon Hamilton
And I also play the flute. #
252
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:44,960
HE PLAYS FLUTE
253
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:48,720
Great! But does it fully represent
the Black community?
254
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,000
Why don't you ask my co-star,
Ariana Grande?
255
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,000
SHE VOCALISES
256
00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:59,240
Wow! She sounds and looks so Black.
257
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:02,320
# It's tan from a can! #
258
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,920
So your plan to advance reparations
is Hamilton II: In Space?
259
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:11,680
It's a joyous celebration
of our cultural diversity,
260
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,240
with an edgy sci-fi twist!
261
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:17,000
And the Democratic Party
gets a piece of the box office.
262
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,600
So everybody gets money except
for the Black people who need it.
263
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,160
BEAT RESTARTS
264
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,760
# And all the rich liberals
Feel as good as can be
265
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,040
# Getting paid, but watch the play
To show solidarity. #
266
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:31,560
HE PLAYS FLUTE
267
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:35,160
JAMES BOND MUSICAL STING
268
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,400
Phoebe, I got your new rewrite.
269
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,800
Good, isn't it?
270
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,840
Mm. Got a couple of concerns.
271
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,920
It starts off
in Moneypenny's office.
272
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:44,400
Bit of flirty banter.
273
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:47,720
But when Bond goes in to see M,
we stay with Moneypenny,
274
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,520
who turns to camera and says...
275
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,120
"He shagged me up the arse."
276
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,640
Yes?
Well, normally, it's more innuendo.
277
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,040
Bond might say,
278
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,560
"I once took her up the Orinoco."
Oh.
279
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,560
Er... What if I change it to
"He came on my tits"?
280
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,920
Meanwhile, we're missing all
the explanation about the mission.
281
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:09,080
The mission's not the real story.
The relationships are. Well...
282
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,400
I suppose you ARE the genius.
283
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,600
Oh, sod it.
284
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,400
I mean, in Die Another Day,
he had an invisible car.
285
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,440
BOND THEME PLAYS
286
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,080
Why don't we raise the stakes,
Mr Scary-Finger?
287
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:27,280
As you wish, Mr Bond.
288
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:33,160
Why is it so bloody hard
to find a good vibrator?
289
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:35,680
I had to see you!
290
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,360
Because you want
to shag me up the arse?
291
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:41,200
You're so damaged and posh,
and you're SO clumsy.
292
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,360
Argh! Ooh!
GLASS SHATTERS
293
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,840
My old flatmate accidentally
killed herself, you see.
294
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,440
I wonder if Mr Scary-Finger
knows anything about that.
295
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,560
Ooh, I'd like him
to shag me up the arse!
296
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:55,040
What are you implying, Mr Bond?
297
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,600
Only that this is no time to die!
298
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,120
ONLOOKERS GASP
299
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,040
Mmm! Oh!
300
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,360
SOUNDS OF FIGHTING IN BACKGROUND
301
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,720
FIGHTING CONTINUES
302
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:12,200
Are you sure it's going to work?
303
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,680
Bound to. I'm getting
ten grand a day for this.
304
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,120
Fair point.
305
00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:19,000
'FIRST DATES' MUSICAL STING
306
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:25,480
Hi, I'm Bill. I'm recently single.
307
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,080
I'm into cookies,
enterprise software
308
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,520
and giving my fortune away
to anybody but my ex-wife.
309
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,720
PRODUCER:
And how do you like to have fun?
310
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:37,120
I write my name in Wingdings!
311
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,400
Here at Emmanuel Macron's
restaurant
312
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,280
everyone is on their first date.
313
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,080
Welcome, sir.
314
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,600
I think we have
ze perfect lady for you.
315
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,960
Hi, I'm Liz Windsor.
316
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,560
What am I looking for?
317
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,520
Well, I'm fresh out of
a long-term relationship,
318
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,040
so definitely nothing serious.
319
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,160
And no more cousins.
320
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,440
PRODUCER: Is there anything
you're worried about?
321
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,480
Hmm. Is the sceptre too much?
322
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:05,640
So, do you have any children?
323
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,800
Yes.
Same! Do you want any more?
324
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,320
Christ, no.
I barely want the ones I have.
325
00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,480
Are yours waiting for you to die?
326
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,680
Yeah!
I feel ya.
327
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:18,400
Ooh la la!
328
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:20,920
Connection?
329
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:24,480
I don't know.
I mean, sure, he's got his own hips,
330
00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:27,920
but I suppose one was
rather hoping for Zac Efron.
331
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:33,480
SLURRED: I'm just trying
to make the world better, you know?
332
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:38,160
But seems like whatever I do,
someone's got a problem with me.
333
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,400
That's why I never do anything.
334
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,360
Say...
335
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,040
You ever visit Pornhub?
336
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,720
Yeah, I mean,
obviously she's a cougar.
337
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:51,360
But there's something
about that sceptre...
338
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,040
Yeah, I think
there is an attraction.
339
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:57,320
He only went to the toilet twice
during dinner.
340
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,480
He's an LA six.
341
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,600
Windsor nine,
if you know what I mean.
342
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:06,080
Say, you know
about computers, right?
343
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,720
Hypothetically,
344
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:12,200
would you be able to erase
somebody's son's internet history?
345
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,640
Are you inviting me home for coffee?
346
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:19,040
MUSIC SWELLS
347
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,160
So, would you like
to see each other again?
348
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:22,880
Well, I had fun.
349
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:26,720
You seem like a genuine guy.
No webbed hands or feet.
350
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,320
I'm up for seeing where this goes.
You?
351
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,080
Absolutely.
352
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,760
I mean, you played it
totally emotionless,
353
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,640
but what can I say?
354
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:38,560
I'd like to show you
the Tower of London.
355
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,960
Stop it!
No, YOU stop it!
356
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,400
THEY CHUCKLE
357
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,920
Don't stop it.
358
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,160
Two billionaires found love.
359
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:50,760
And the rest of us
are left to clean up ze mess.
360
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,080
Oh! Leftover pudding.
361
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,840
HE SLURPS
362
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:02,680
Mr President,
363
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:06,360
the results of the Russian
presidential election are in.
364
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,040
A thousand apologies, but...
365
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,440
you lost.
366
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,840
What?! How?!
Who could have possibly beaten me?
367
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,520
Oh, ha! Only me!
368
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,760
Wha...?
Olivia Colman.
369
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,240
Won the Emmy, now your election!
370
00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,560
Gosh, I win everything!
She's right, you know.
371
00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:28,000
Oh, gosh, oopsie!
372
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,360
ALARM BLARES
373
00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,840
MEN GRUNT
374
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,960
Stop! Thief!
He's nicking my scooter!
375
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,920
Did someone call for The Foxman?
376
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:43,360
The who?
The Foxman.
377
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:45,320
By day, I'm Keir Starmer,
378
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,120
a politician limited by
the irrelevance of the Labour Party.
379
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,120
But by night,
in the guise of Foxman,
380
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:51,680
I tackle injustice
wherever I see it.
381
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:54,960
Within the prescribed legal and
regulatory framework, obviously.
382
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,440
So you're a superhero
with no utility belt,
383
00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:00,400
no ninja stars and no actual powers?
384
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:04,120
True. But I do have
a very complicated backstory.
385
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,080
In that case, I'm off.
Do something!
386
00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:08,800
There's a crime
staring you right in the face!
387
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,360
There is indeed.
388
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:14,640
Your helmet does not comply
with safety regulation EN1078,
389
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,520
which clearly states that
there should be no occultation
390
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,000
in the field of vision,
horizontally,
391
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,520
by a minimum of 105 degrees
392
00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:24,560
from the longitudinal
vertical median plane.
393
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:26,880
WHOOSH, FANFARE
394
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,640
What the...? All right, bab.
Show some fucking leadership.
395
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,600
Aren't you Jess Phillips,
the annoying, outspoken feminist
396
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,480
who wants to drag Labour
more to the centre?
397
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:37,760
No, I'm Viral!
398
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,520
The annoying, outspoken
feminist superhero
399
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,240
who wants to make Labour
more electable.
400
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,640
Superhero, eh?
401
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,280
What's your backstory?
402
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:51,160
Oh, fuck. Another Labour man
banging on about the past.
403
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:52,720
"Oh, old things!"
404
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,920
Stand back and let
the young generation sort this out!
405
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,440
Great idea.
406
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,640
Let's convene a citizens' assembly
of under 17...
407
00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:03,160
CHAINSAW REVS
Convene my big Labour vag.
408
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,800
SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
409
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,080
THEY GASP
410
00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,280
You cut my scooter in half!
411
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,880
Ah! An egalitarian solution.
412
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,760
Redistribute resources equally.
413
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,480
No, destroy the bloody thing,
414
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:23,760
because an adult man should not
be on a scooter like a baby.
415
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,720
You wanna suck some fucking milk
from my big Labour tits?
416
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,960
Not really. You seem quite angry.
417
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,560
Yeah, cos of the bloody patriarchy!
418
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,040
Now bugger off!
419
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,200
I'm going to tweet about this!
420
00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:39,280
ECHOING: I'm going... Viral!
421
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,360
HE GASPS
422
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:44,840
Your methods differ from mine,
423
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,720
and your language is a bit
Wetherspoons-at-closing-time,
424
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,640
but we fight for the same cause.
425
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:52,920
Perhaps the centre and the left
CAN join forces.
426
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:54,800
And stop internal fighting?
427
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:57,320
I'd never go viral again, duck.
428
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,600
Right, I'm off on my scooter.
429
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:01,320
A scooter?! But you said...
430
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:04,040
It's fine when I do it, you fuck.
431
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:10,520
Successful evening, sir?
I learned a valuable lesson.
432
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,640
If I'm gonna save this nation
from the forces of darkness,
433
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,640
I'm gonna have to talk about
my genitals and swear a lot more.
434
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,040
Indeed. Shall we go home?
435
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,240
Yes.
436
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,840
You big hairy twat.
437
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,200
JAUNTY TUNE
438
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,640
Emma Raducanu,
439
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,240
congratulations on your
tip-top teenage tennis triumph.
440
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:35,800
And look at how much prize money
they gave you.
441
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:38,640
Yeah, I'm waiting for my nanny
and a chimney sweep.
442
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,800
They're going to help me
invest it wisely.
443
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,920
Well, there's nothing wiser
than investing in your country.
444
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:45,360
HE LAUGHS
445
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:48,080
JAUNTY MUSIC
446
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:52,120
# I'm the handsome Chancellor
Who you can trust
447
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:55,600
# Under me
The country won't go bust
448
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,640
# When it comes to fiscal management
449
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,480
# We're level and we're sane
450
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:02,320
# We won't pour your money
Down the drain
451
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,600
# We'll buy dodgy PPE from our mates
452
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:11,440
# Waste several billion
On Track and Trace
453
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:15,280
# Not to mention
A pointless high-speed train
454
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:18,080
# But we won't pour your money
Down a drain
455
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:22,400
# But you're ruining the country
You're taxing all and sundry
456
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,480
# I'm young, but I've got a brain
457
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,360
# And you will pour my money
Down the
458
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:31,320
# Will pour my money down the
Will pour my money down the drain. #
459
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,080
Oh, just give it here!
No way!
460
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,640
Let go! Let go of it!
461
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:37,960
BORIS GRUNTS
462
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,120
Ow! Argh!
463
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,720
Excuse me, sir.
464
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:46,000
I've got tuppence.
Where do I feed the pigeons?
465
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,360
Tuppence?
HE GASPS
466
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:51,680
SPLASH
Buggeration!
467
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:58,000
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
468
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:01,080
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
469
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:05,040
# Oh-Oh-Oh Oh-Oh
470
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,680
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
471
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,280
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
472
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,160
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
473
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,280
# Oh-ah Oh-ah Oh-ah
474
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:16,480
# Oh-ah! #
475
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,520
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