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1
00:00:01,160 --> 00:00:04,120
Football is so much better
now that fans are back in stadiums.
2
00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,960
Yeah, it reminds you what football
is really about, man.
3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:11,400
Oi, Foden, fuck off back to
the hair salon, you peroxide prick!
4
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,200
Dye your hair with this!
5
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,440
It's my piss!
6
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:17,880
ALL LAUGH DERISIVELY
7
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,880
Their passion is so inspiring.
8
00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:23,880
Ey! Oi!
You're wasting food!
9
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,520
Can't wait to play away from home.
10
00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:26,840
CHICKEN SQUAWKS
11
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:30,120
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
12
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,480
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
13
00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:36,160
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
14
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:39,000
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
15
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,640
# Oh-ah ah-ah-ah-ah! #
16
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:51,640
Righty-o, chaps!
New parliamentary term starts today.
17
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,000
Let's get cracking.
18
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:59,920
There. Bubble done.
Now, next on the agenda.
19
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:02,480
We need to reform social care
for the elderly.
20
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:05,840
"Care"?
What does that mean? Is it a place?
21
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,920
Do you mean "Care-os"?
22
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,920
I think it's near Mykonos.
Not that I've just been there.
23
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,080
Look, the elderly have worked hard,
they deserve dignity,
24
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,360
and, most important,
they vote Tory.
25
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:19,120
So, let's give the grannies,
oh, 12 billion quid?
26
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:20,320
How are we gonna pay for that?
27
00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:22,120
Well, how did we pay
for all the COVID stuff?
28
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,600
Don't really know.
Was it clapping?
29
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,880
This time, I'm putting my foot down.
30
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,680
We're going to pay for this
with a tax rise!
31
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,000
But let's call it something else.
32
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,480
National Insurance?
33
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:38,640
I was thinking something
more like "Kindness, by Rishi".
34
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,880
Sounds like a perfume.
It's that too.
35
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:46,720
Oh! Liquid kindness!
36
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:50,640
RETCHES
I'm meltin'!
37
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,400
Hold on, Rishi.
Who exactly is gonna pay this tax?
38
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,320
Everybody.
It's only £200 per taxpayer.
39
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,120
Just a bottle of Chateau Lafitte.
40
00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,680
What?!
41
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,680
Look, we can't tax us,
it's stupid to tax old people,
42
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,120
and we can't go near billionaires.
43
00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,040
They're job creators...
for us, after we get out of here.
44
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,560
Fair enough.
Hmm, hmm.
45
00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:12,920
What about taxin'... the young?
46
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,520
The sweet, delicious young.
47
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,280
Perfect! They don't vote for us.
48
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:20,120
And if they don't like it,
what are they gonna do? Cancel us?
49
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:21,800
Throw our statues in the river?
50
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:24,000
That's true!
Hear, hear!
51
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,880
MIMICS TECHNO BEAT
Stop right there!
52
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,280
Unh!
53
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,320
Gove!
Don't tell me you're still clubbing.
54
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,360
Unh, unh, unh!
I speak for the young.
55
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:36,000
They have hopes, dreams,
phat beats, huge bumps of ket.
56
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,400
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
57
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,280
They're honest, decent...
58
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:42,560
they accepted me
when I was lonely, bereft of love...
59
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,080
Oh, man, I'm coming down!
60
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,360
You all right, Govey?
Perfectly fine, Prime Minister.
61
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,480
Fuck the young.
They're lazy and their music's crap.
62
00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:52,160
Excellent! Then onto item
number three on the agenda.
63
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:53,400
More bubbles!
64
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,000
ALL CHEER
65
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,120
Bubbles! Yay!
66
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:05,920
Mr President,
I must speak out for my sisters!
67
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,280
A barbaric, archaic regime
just rolled in
68
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,880
and took away decades
of women's rights.
69
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,240
You can't move for armed militants
70
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:18,280
reciting holy passages
and shooting guns in the air!
71
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,920
There are women trying to get on
planes to get out of there
72
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:23,320
before it's too late!
73
00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:28,080
I told you, Afghanistan
is not my problem any more.
74
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,880
Who said Afghanistan?
75
00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,520
I'm talking about
the Texan Abortion Bill.
76
00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:36,560
Oh. Got it.
But that's not my problem either.
77
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,320
Kamala!
78
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,120
Which camera am I looking at?
79
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:46,240
Oh. Sure, cool.
80
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:48,960
SQUEAKS
81
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:52,240
I had no idea
I would catch on like this.
82
00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:54,880
He had a knack of working everyone
into a fever.
83
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,400
Take as long as you like, babycakes.
Num-num-num-num-num-num-num!
84
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,960
Corony was tremendous.
He came to all of my rallies.
85
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,320
Corony!
RETCHES
86
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:08,720
I took a leap, and it paid off.
87
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,320
I was a young microbe back then,
88
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,600
playing to small crowds
in wet markets.
89
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,800
Oh, sure, those wet markets
were a breeding ground for talent,
90
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,840
but it was all swine-flu this,
and bird-flu that.
91
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:27,400
No-one had done bat to human!
92
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,200
Suddenly, I was on the move!
I was catching!
93
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,040
I was on tour.
94
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,600
First Italy,
then I hit the cruise ship circuit.
95
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,840
The oldies loved me.
96
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:43,320
I was everywhere.
Me, a little microbe from Wuhan!
97
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:51,920
To be a good lawyer, you've just
gotta follow a few simple rules.
98
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:55,880
Never let them see you sweat.
99
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:59,840
Keep your hands out of your pants.
Don't butt-dial your phone.
100
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,160
Know the difference
between a five-star hotel
101
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,680
and a gardening centre.
102
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:07,600
Assume the camera's always rolling
and every mic is hot.
103
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,120
What the fuck? Are we still rolling?
104
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,560
Oh, shit.
105
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:19,040
I'm Rudy Giuliani
and this is my masterclass.
106
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,640
FARTS
107
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,280
I was a hit in Europe and Asia,
108
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:31,440
but I was nervous
about breaking into America.
109
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:35,280
But, boy, the Yanks couldn't get
enough of me.
110
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:39,240
I got a personal tour
in Trump's motorcade...
111
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,240
You're a great virus. A lot of
people are saying that, by the way.
112
00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:44,600
..and a meet-and-greet
with his staff.
113
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,240
RETCHES
114
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:47,720
I'm the biggest guy in town,
115
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,200
but that dude knocked me for six.
116
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,560
MUFFLED VOICE: Hey!
117
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,280
He was really into me too.
Why don't I get an interview?
118
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:58,320
Why can I never do this shit alone?
Argh!
119
00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,680
The thing about being
a global pandemic,
120
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,320
there are a lot of haters.
121
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:09,280
He wasn't authentic like me.
He was manufactured!
122
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,560
Made in a lab.
SNORTS
123
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,680
I was down with the pigs.
124
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,760
I ain't gonna lie,
there were a lot of drugs around.
125
00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:20,080
Cheers, fellas!
To my very good health!
126
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:26,080
Whoa, did you spike that bleach,
Corony?
127
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:30,680
I was partying pretty hard.
Maybe too hard.
128
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:34,480
Then... the drugs started
to catch up with me.
129
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:37,720
I thought it was the end.
130
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:39,720
I had to reinvent myself.
131
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:43,160
Then it hit me... variants!
132
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:44,840
I started to travel again.
133
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,120
Brazil...
134
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:47,480
South Africa...
135
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:48,800
Kent.
136
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,800
You ain't seen the back of me yet.
137
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:55,440
I've still got a couple of surprises
up my sleeve.
138
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:58,120
COUGHS, RETCHES
139
00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,560
See you on my never-ending
farewell tour!
140
00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:12,280
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: 'The dolphin,
high-strung ballerina of the deep.
141
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:15,480
'One of nature's most beautiful
sights...'
142
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,320
200 years of David Attenborough,
143
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,200
and guess what animal
has never been on once.
144
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:22,760
Naked mole rats.
145
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,800
Why don't you ever film us,
you velvet-voiced BLEEP?!
146
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,720
Oh, no, it's always,
147
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:32,080
"Graceful lions, majestic whales."
148
00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:33,520
You know what's majestic?
149
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,880
The wrinkles
on this scrotum with teeth.
150
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,120
NOISY KISSING
151
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,880
We know why people watch
nature shows.
152
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,680
To see animals have sex.
153
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,880
We love to do it on camera!
154
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,800
Oh, yeah, come on, honey!
155
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:52,040
Yeah, yeah, oh, oh!
SHE SQUEAKS
156
00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:55,400
Film this,
you whispering eco- BLEEP!
157
00:07:55,400 --> 00:08:01,240
HE GRUNTS,
SHE SQUEAKS
158
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,360
Welcome, all.
159
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,080
I declare this meeting of the
Santa Barbara Neighbourhood Council
160
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,160
officially...
# ..o-pen! #
161
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,560
Oh!
162
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:27,680
That's going to cost you, Ellen!
I only have 500 pairs like these.
163
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,200
Why are you even here?
164
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,400
You don't own a house
in Santa Barbara any more.
165
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,000
I'm still angry about the tree
you planted in front of my view.
166
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,960
I flew all the way from Majorca
to have it torn down.
167
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,400
I flew a jetpack a thousand miles
to get here today
168
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,520
and my ass is still smoking.
169
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:43,760
I don't regret any of it.
170
00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:45,200
Today, we have a petition
171
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,400
from the newest residents
of Santa Barbara...
172
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,000
Meghan and Harry.
173
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:51,880
Wow, look at all this
Hollywood royalty!
174
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,440
It's so funny. I'm Hollywood royalty
and I'm real royalty.
175
00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:56,920
I'm a double royal!
176
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,880
And I'm the cheese
on that double McRoyale!
177
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:02,440
LAUGHS
178
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:05,560
Oh, great, they're not gonna be
exhausting at all (!)
179
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,840
Harry, Meghan, you've applied
to bypass neighbourhood rules.
180
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,040
Mm-hm. Our house has a chicken coop.
181
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:14,640
We ask permission to double its size
and add four more chickens.
182
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,760
That is a hell of a lot of eggs,
man.
183
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,240
What are you doing
with all those eggs?
184
00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,480
Yoni eggs are wonderful.
185
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:22,840
There's a new record.
186
00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,680
It only took her three minutes
to get us thinking about her vagina.
187
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:28,200
We want to show people
how easy it is
188
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,640
to live an Earth-friendly,
locally-sourced lifestyle.
189
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,000
In a $30 million mansion.
190
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:35,360
And we're not gonna impress people
with four damn chickens.
191
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,040
Hey, princess, the rest of us
actually achieved something
192
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:39,800
to earn a house in Santa Barbara.
193
00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,360
What entitles you
to a bigger chicken coop?
194
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,000
We've got a Netflix deal.
195
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,520
Yeah. We use those for toilet paper.
196
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,920
Everyone on this council
is a celebrity of stature.
197
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:51,720
Damn straight!
198
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,520
Ah!
199
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,080
CHUCKLES
200
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,840
COD-RUSSIAN MUSIC
201
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:10,040
Mr President, we have found a way
to hack into the US power grid.
202
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:13,360
Millions of businesses
will be plunged into darkness
203
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:16,000
and all air traffic
will be grounded.
204
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,680
Will anyone be poisoned?
205
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:21,040
Well... no.
206
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,720
But this is 21st century,
207
00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:28,120
a world governed by sophisticated
computer technology.
208
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,480
The damage will be immense.
209
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:33,760
I like it when people get poisoned.
210
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,440
I like it when their faces
turn blue.
211
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,040
Think of the leverage
it will give us.
212
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,480
Very well, I sanction it.
213
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,960
To celebrate, vodka!
214
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,960
Thank you, Mr President!
215
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,760
Ey!
216
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:49,880
CHOKES
PUTIN: Russia.
217
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:54,760
Combining evil old traditions
with terrible new ones.
218
00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:55,800
THUD
219
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:59,200
Wait, your face didn't turn blue.
220
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,800
A thousand apologies. Gah!
221
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,160
THUD
222
00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:08,200
I don't see how we can approve
Harry and Meghan's request.
223
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,120
Harry has to look after
the chickens,
224
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,800
Meghan has to look after Harry.
225
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:15,040
Is this a situation that benefits
from more chickens?
226
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,840
Speaking as a chicken,
I don't think so.
227
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,400
Request denied, Teethface.
228
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:21,560
You're so mean!
229
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:23,120
No, I'm not, I'm lovable.
230
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:24,480
Look, I'm dancing.
231
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:26,400
Lovable, so lovable.
232
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,520
Wait, I have read a buttload
233
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,920
of local property waiver requests
in my time,
234
00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:32,840
but this screams something deeper.
235
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,320
Harry, Meghan, share.
236
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,520
Yes, share. I'm nice, like Oprah!
237
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:40,800
We don't care about the damn
waiver approval.
238
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,000
My dad rejected me,
my family kicked me out.
239
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,640
We just want any kind of approval.
240
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,080
From the people that matter most...
241
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,520
other celebrities.
242
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,480
SOBBING
243
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,720
HE SOBS
244
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,680
SHE SNIFFS
245
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,760
ELTON JOHN WEEPS
246
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:03,200
Acceptance by us,
the only thing that really matters.
247
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,400
HE SOBS
248
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,480
My brave ginger lad,
and his plucky bride.
249
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,080
Chicken waiver approved!
250
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,480
SHE WEEPS
251
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,320
It's so emotional!
252
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,640
SHE BLOWS NOSE
253
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,320
POPPING,
HE YELPS
254
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,000
My egg!
WHOOSHING
255
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:21,960
I caught the vagina plug!
256
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,720
It's the greatest day of my life.
257
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,320
Attaboy!
258
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,560
MUSIC PLAYS
259
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,400
Hi, I'm Bjorn.
260
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,760
I'm Agnetha!
261
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,240
I'm Anni-Frid!
262
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:35,920
I'm frightened.
263
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:37,560
Are we in space?
264
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:39,600
No, Benny, we're ABBA!
265
00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:42,760
We're back with a new album
and a new concert tour.
266
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,240
Why?
Because we want to do something fun
267
00:12:45,240 --> 00:12:48,480
while we still have
some of our youthful energy!
268
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:51,680
Er... I think I need changing.
269
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:55,040
Can you imagine
being at a real live ABBA concert?
270
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,320
We won't actually be there,
of course.
271
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:01,280
We'll be at home, counting our
# Money, money, money. #
272
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:05,320
Instead, you can watch our
computer-generated avatars,
273
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:09,080
or as we like
to call them - Abbatars!
274
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,880
LAUGHTER
275
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,160
AGNETHA COUGHS AND SPUTTERS
276
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,480
Why is that funny?
I'm scared.
277
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,160
We'll be performing
a whole album of new songs,
278
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,000
along with the old ones
279
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,200
you actually want to hear!
280
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,200
AGNETHA WHEEZES
281
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,560
These suits capture our motions,
282
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,160
so it's just like watching us dance.
283
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,360
CRACKING
284
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:32,520
HE STRAINS
285
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,760
That hurt.
S.O.S.
286
00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:38,480
So don't miss ABBA live!
287
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,360
Bjorn, I found my finger.
288
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,800
Oh! Ah, that's good.
289
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,720
Well done, Benny.
290
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,280
With properly funded
social care for our elder citizens,
291
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,280
this tragedy
could have been avoided.
292
00:13:51,280 --> 00:13:56,000
Please support a 1.25% increase
in National Insurance.
293
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:06,680
Sometimes you accidentally
dig your way into a hole,
294
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:11,040
but with dignity, decorum,
and a dash of panache
295
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:14,080
you can dig your way out.
296
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:20,880
Because we're all flawed
and people want to forgive.
297
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,280
HE SCREAMS
298
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:23,440
Argh!
299
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,400
I'm Prince Andrew,
300
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,560
and this is my master...
301
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:30,800
Argh!
302
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:35,560
CHEERING
303
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:37,760
I'm so happy
to be back in the Manchester.
304
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:40,960
I love this town.
The culture, the food.
305
00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,240
And you're not just coming here
to make a load of money
306
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:44,800
at the end of your career?
307
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,240
Ridiculous.
308
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:48,960
I am dedicated to the winning.
Excuse me.
309
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,640
My first match is coming up,
and I have much preparation to do.
310
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,560
So, Ronaldo, half an hour
to kick-off.
311
00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,200
What happened to you?
312
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:02,240
RONALDO BELCHES
What?! I'm proper mad for it.
313
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:04,960
I go to the chipp-eh.
It was sound.
314
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,960
I told you, I love the Manchester.
Let's play.
315
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,880
You've spent the last 48 hours
just eating chips?!
316
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,760
Have I, bollocks.
317
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,640
I also eating meat pie
and bread rolls.
318
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,880
Jumbo sausage
with batter scratchings, garnish.
319
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:23,360
All drowned in gravy,
thick and rich as goat's blood.
320
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:25,280
I'm made up.
321
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:26,320
HE BELCHES
322
00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:30,080
Anyway, I'm match fit
and ready to give my all.
323
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:33,360
Come out of there, you big bastard!
324
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,320
So, Ronaldo there, fighting
with the gravy for his chips.
325
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,800
Evenly-matched at the moment,
but all to play for.
326
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,560
And it's out!
A remarkable pump from Ronaldo.
327
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,040
All over the plate!
328
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,080
What a meal he's made of that.
329
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,240
Come on, Grogu,
you're not a baby any more.
330
00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:05,640
You can text your friends
after you finish your frog eggs.
331
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,160
I don't eat frog eggs.
332
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,440
Vegan, told you I am, duh!
333
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,440
Now, Grogu...
Hate that stupid name, I do.
334
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,480
Call me Trey, you will!
335
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,760
Denise, I think
you're really special.
336
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,600
And Grogu, I mean Trey,
will come around, give him time.
337
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:32,080
Marry whatever skank you like.
My real dad, you're not!
338
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:33,320
I can't do this.
339
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,440
Uh... Dad?
340
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:42,920
I'm stuck.
341
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,720
You had sex with my helmet?!
342
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,000
HE GROANS
343
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,040
This is definitely not The Way.
344
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,000
THE MANDALORIAN GRUNTS,
GROGU STRAINS
345
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,680
LIGHTSABER WHOOSHES
346
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,960
I didn't even know you had junk.
347
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:12,800
All right, I think
I got an answer for climate change.
348
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,040
But first, I gotta pee.
349
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:19,800
At my age, that could take a while,
so I'm invoking the 25th Amendment.
350
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,000
That means while I'm tinkling,
you're acting President.
351
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,840
No worry, take your time.
352
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,960
PIANO BALLAD PLAYS
353
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,160
# President
354
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,360
# Every time that Joe goes pee
355
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:40,120
# I realise I'm one heartbeat away
356
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:42,080
# President
357
00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:44,080
# Don't want him to die
358
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,240
# But if he did
Well, I guess that I would be OK
359
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,440
# Maybe he could fall
And hit his head
360
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:54,720
# Or choke on a piece of bread
361
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:59,680
# Or have a total attack
Of the heart... #
362
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,040
Am I a bad person to fantasise
363
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,920
about succeeding over
the dead body of a decent man?
364
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:10,200
CHARLES CLEARS THROAT
There are worse things to wish for.
365
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,560
# I'd be King
366
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:18,840
Of course I would be heartbroken
If my dear old mum suddenly died
367
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,560
# But I'd be King, for example
368
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,520
# If she slipped
On Yorkshire pudding
369
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,320
# Or committed suicide
370
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:28,640
BOTH: # Wishful thinking's
Not a felony
371
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:32,440
# Just think of all the things
That we could do
372
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,680
# Sign an Executive Order or three
373
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,080
# Flush the corgis down the loo
374
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:42,840
# Of course we don't want them
To expire
375
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:45,920
# But since they won't retire
376
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:51,920
# How about a total attack
Of the heart...? #
377
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:55,440
Do I hear a duet
that needs a third?
378
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,320
No, James Corden!
Attention-hungry pig.
379
00:18:57,320 --> 00:19:00,440
# Late Show host
If Stephen Colbert dies,
380
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,840
# His job on The Late Show
Will have to go to me... #
381
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,360
TV doesn't work that way!
382
00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,520
# Late Show host
I would turn the show
383
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:12,240
# Into a musical hour
Of Carpool Karaoke
384
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:14,800
JAMES AND KAMALA:
# We are all good folks
385
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,560
# We are all good folks
386
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:20,440
# Even though we hope
Even though we hope
387
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,720
ALL: # For a total attack
Of the heart. #
388
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,520
TOILET FLUSHES
389
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,080
That's the flush of reality.
390
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,480
JAMES WHIMPERS
391
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:30,920
Oh, ouch!
392
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,360
JAMES GROANS
393
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:33,840
CRACKING,
JAMES YELPS
394
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,480
Ah, come on, I'm back!
395
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,280
Let's just rip up that transfer of
power and you're back to number two.
396
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,040
Whoa! Ooh!
SHE GASPS
397
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,360
THUD
398
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:46,560
Whoo!
399
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,240
Little slip-a-magoo
fixed the crick in my neck.
400
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:50,520
SHE SIGHS
401
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:58,200
ULTRASOUND ECHO WOBBLES
402
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:01,320
Take a look at the screen
and you should be able to see baby.
403
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,280
Oh, hello!
404
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:06,240
Oh, gosh, only me.
Hello!
405
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,440
What are you doing inside a uterus?
406
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,160
I'm Olivia Colman,
I'm in everything.
407
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,360
That's true, actually.
SHE EXHALES
408
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,160
Absolutely everywhere.
409
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:16,200
Hello!
410
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,600
THEY CHUCKLE
411
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,000
Oh-ho...
412
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,720
Hi, guys! Amazing!
413
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:22,880
Lockdown is over!
414
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,160
Joe Wicks!
415
00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,440
I loved your YouTube workouts!
Cheers!
416
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:30,440
How about an actual
in-person workout?
417
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:31,840
Oh. I'd love to,
418
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,720
but the pubs are back open,
so, you know...
419
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,840
But what about all the changes
we were gonna make?
420
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:40,280
Positive workouts, positive
fitness, positive mental health!
421
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,880
Yeah, but as I say,
the pubs are back open.
422
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:48,480
CHANTING: Down in one!
Down in one! Down in one!
423
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:49,600
SHE BELCHES
424
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,240
High knees.
425
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,440
Burpees.
426
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:53,960
Positive.
427
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,520
Hi, guys.
Marcus Rashford!
428
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,080
Oh, I loved what you did during
lockdown with the free school meals.
429
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:05,600
Cheers. Actually, I'm looking for
volunteers for my community kitchen?
430
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:07,080
I don't suppose any of you would?
431
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:09,960
Oh, we'd love to, Marcus,
but the pubs are back open.
432
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,640
But remember how we were saying
we'd look out for our neighbours
433
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,120
and make the world a better place?
434
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:17,840
Yeah, but the pubs are back open,
so... Yah.
435
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,200
Community.
436
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,600
Foodbanks.
437
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:21,840
Literacy.
438
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,240
# Roll out the barrel!
439
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:28,360
# Let's have a barrel of fun! #
Yoo-hoo!
440
00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:31,360
I can't find any volunteers
for my community kitchen.
441
00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,960
And I can't get anyone
to come down my gym class.
442
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,320
Well, that's because
the pubs are back open! Whey!
443
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,720
What are we gonna do about it?
444
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:39,480
Dunno. Have a pint?
445
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:41,400
No! We've gotta stay positive!
446
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,680
Come on, guys!
Star jumps!
447
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,240
Let's get those pulse rates up!
448
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,960
High knees!
Burpees, burpees, burpees!
449
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,320
Positive, positive, positive!
450
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,480
GUNSHOT
451
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:55,640
I did it for the good of
Great Britain and the Commonwealth.
452
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,520
Yeah, well, the pubs are open.
453
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,640
All right, legends,
it's shots o'clock.
454
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,440
CHEERING
455
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,920
# My old man said follow the van
456
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,560
# And don't dilly-dally
On the way. #
457
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,640
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
458
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:16,080
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
459
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:19,240
# Oh-Oh-Oh Oh-Oh... #
460
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:21,320
How would you like to be
Education Secretary?
461
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:23,960
# Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh
462
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:27,240
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
463
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:30,200
# Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah
464
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,520
# Oh-ah Oh-ah Oh-ah
465
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,360
# Oh-ah! #
466
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,400
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