Original subtitles

[ ringing ]

[ humming ]

ATTENTION...

CAMP NORTH STAR SENIOR STAFF,

COUNSELORS,

COUNSELORS IN TRAINING,

PLEASE RISE FOR OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.

[ bagpipes playing ]

[ record scratches ]

HOW ABOUT THAT ANTHEM, HUH?

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I JUST GET A GREAT BIG LUMP IN MY THROAT

EVERY TIME I HEAR IT.

IT'S 7:05 IN THE A.M.

AND IT'S-- WOW! 43 DEGREES

ON THE OLD CAMP NORTH STAR WEATHER DIAL.

THAT IS KIND OF NIPPY FOR A JUNE 25, ISN'T IT?

WHOO. I'M TRIPPER HARRISON.

AH! AH!

I'M YOUR HEAD COUNSELOR,

AND THIS IS MY WAKE-UP SHOW.

I'LL BE COMING AT YOU EVERY MORNING

ABOUT THIS TIME, HOPING TO MAKE

YOUR SUMMER CAMP EXPERIENCE THE BEST AVAILABLE

IN THIS PRICE RANGE.

'COURSE, ACROSS THE LAKE,

OVER AT CAMP MOHAWK,

THEY WON'T BE GETTING UP FOR ANOTHER HOUR OR SO.

AND WHEN THEY DO, THEY'LL BE AWAKENED

BY SERVANTS BEARING CROISSANTS

AND CAFE AU LAIT.

WHOOPS, HOPE I DIDN'T HIT ANYBODY.

BUT OVER HERE AT CAMP NORTH STAR THIS MORNING,

WE'RE GONNA BE HAVING A DELICIOUS GRUEL BREAKFAST.

DON'T FORGET TO ASK FOR SECONDS

BECAUSE IT'S ALL THE GRUEL YOU CAN EAT.

[ toilet flushes ]

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUNSHINE? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE BIRDS AND BEES ♪

♪ THE APPLE TREES

♪ AND A WHOLE LOT OF FOOLING AROUND? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE HOT NIGHTS? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE FIREFLIES ♪

♪ THE MOONLIT SKIES

♪ AND A WHOLE LOT OF FOOLING AROUND? ♪

♪ NO MORE PENCILS, NO MORE BOOKS ♪

♪ NO MORE TEACHER'S DIRTY LOOKS ♪

♪ NO MORE MATH AND HISTORY ♪

♪ SUMMERTIME HAS SET US FREE ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE GOOD TIMES? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE ALL-DAY FUN ♪

♪ IN THE SUN?

♪ 'CAUSE THE SUMMER IS READY FOR YOU... ♪

HEY!

♪ NO MORE PENCILS, NO MORE BOOKS ♪

♪ NO MORE TEACHER'S DIRTY LOOKS ♪

♪ NO MORE MATH AND HISTORY ♪

♪ SUMMERTIME HAS SET US FREE ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE GOOD TIMES? ♪

[ whistle blowing ]

OKAY, EVERYBODY. CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

I'M ONLY GONNA EXPLAIN THIS--

OKAY, EVERYBODY, I'M WAITING. PEOPLE, SETTLE DOWN.

[ blows whistle ]

OKAY. THAT'S BETTER.

THERE'S A LOT OF NEW PEOPLE OUT THERE THIS YEAR.

SO BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, I WANT TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

MY NAME'S MORTY MELNICK.

All: HI, MICKEY!

NAME'S MORTY, NOT MICKEY.

NOW, THE BUSES ARE LEAVING TOMORROW MORNING

AT 6:30 TO PICK UP THE KIDS.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT YOU GET YOUR BUS ASSIGNMENTS

AND KNOW WHICH GROUP OF KIDS YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF.

DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, BRADLEY.

YOU CAN GET RABIES FROM A RACCOON, TOO.

- TELL HIM, MURRAY. - THAT'S RIGHT, BRADLEY.

AND DON'T FORGET TO PUT PAPER ON THE TOILET SEAT COVERS.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT TO ASK YOU? DID YOU BRING SMOKES?

OH, NO, I COULDN'T. I FORGOT.

MY MOM FOUND THE CARTON IN MY SUITCASE.

- SHE HAD A SHIT FIT. - WHY DON'T WE GO GET SOME?

- YEAH, OKAY. - MOMMY? MOMMY?

WHERE'S MY MOMMY?

TRIPPER, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SOME ACTION THIS SUMMER.

I HOPE YOU GENTLEMEN CAN SUPPLY IT FOR ME.

WELL, I CAN SUPPLY IT, BUT THE GUY YOU'VE GOT TO WATCH OUT FOR IS SPAZ.

- SPAZ? - HE'S A SEX MACHINE.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HE COULDN'T WAKE ME UP WITH A TRUMPET AND DRUM.

WELL, I WENT OUT WITH HIM ONE NIGHT,

AND HE GOT US SIX NURSES BY HIMSELF.

AND FOUR OF THEM COULDN'T REPORT TO WORK THE NEXT MORNING.

YOU GONNA BE OKAY?

HEY, I'LL SEE YOU AT THE END OF SUMMER, OKAY?

OKAY.

THIS BUS DOES NOT HAVE A SAFETY INSPECTION STICKER.

IT'S A FINE OLD BUS.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT IS A PIECE OF JUNK.

I'M GOING TO TELL MY FATHER AND HE'S GONNA REPORT YOU

TO THE DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES.

- ROXANNE! - AND YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL!

YOU KNOW, JAIL? BEHIND BARS?

Girl: YEAH, JUST LIKE LAST YEAR, WE'LL HATE IT.

YEAH, CAMP IS LOUSY, AND YOU'RE A DORK.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU SURE ARE ONE.

- HI. - HI.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT? - ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE?

I CAN'T GET THESE KIDS ON THE BUS!

- THAT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING. - OKAY, LET ME TALK TO THEM.

COME HERE, GUYS. I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU.

- NO! - NOW, YOU GUYS,

- YOU'D BETTER GET ON THE BUS. - WHY?

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, I'M GONNA BEAT THE PANTS OFF OF YOU!

NOT BAD, HUH?

- HEY, WATCH IT. THAT STUFF'S EXPENSIVE. - VERY GOOD, SIR.

HEY, SPAZ. HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY?

- HI. - HEY, SPAZ, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- HEY, GIVE THAT BACK. - COME ON, SPAZ, WE'RE DOING YOU A FAVOR.

- GIVE IT BACK! - YOU WANT TO MAKE US, SPAZ?

UH...

YEAH.

GIVE HIM BACK THE MILK SHAKE.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

HERE YOU GO.

[ laughing ]

HEY, WE'LL SEE YOU AT THE BASKETBALL GAME, SPAZ.

MOHAWK JERKS.

THESE CHILDREN ARE GOING TO THE MOST GLAMOROUS

OF ALL SUMMER CAMPS, CAMP MOHAWK.

THERE'S A TWO-YEAR WAITING LIST,

AND EVERY CHILD HAS TO BE VOTED IN.

ON TOP OF ALL THAT, IT COSTS $1,000 A WEEK

TO GO TO CAMP MOHAWK. THE QUESTION IS,

IS IT WORTH $1,000 A WEEK?

IT SURE IS. IT'S THE BEST DARN CAMP THERE IS.

WELL, ARE YOU CONNECTED WITH CAMP MOHAWK?

I THINK SO. I'M THE PROGRAM DIRECTOR, JERRY ALDINI.

HOW DO YOU JUSTIFY $1,000 A WEEK?

WELL, WE HAVE SOME SPECIAL PROGRAMS.

WE'RE DOING SHAKESPEARE IN THE ROUND AGAIN THIS YEAR, OF COURSE.

OUR POLITICAL ROUNDTABLE-- HENRY KISSINGER WILL APPEAR.

YASSER ARAFAT IS GONNA COME OUT,

SPEND A WEEKEND WITH THE KIDS, JUST RAP WITH 'EM.

- THAT'S AMAZING! - AND THE KIDS WANTED ANIMALS.

SO THIS YEAR, EACH CAMPER WILL STALK AND KILL

HIS OWN BEAR AT OUR PRIVATE WILDLIFE PRESERVE.

ARE YOU SURE THE CHILDREN CAN HACK THAT?

WE'LL SEE. BUT THE REAL EXCITEMENT, OF COURSE,

IS GONNA COME AT THE END OF THE SUMMER

DURING SEXUAL AWARENESS WEEK.

WE IMPORT 200 HOOKERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD,

AND EACH CAMPER, ARMED WITH ONLY A THERMOS OF COFFEE

AND $2,000 CASH, TRIES TO VISIT AS MANY COUNTRIES AS HE CAN.

AND THE WINNER, OF COURSE, IS NAMED KING OF SEXUAL AWARENESS WEEK

AND IS ALLOWED TO RAPE AND PILLAGE THE NEIGHBORING TOWNS

- UNTIL CAMP ENDS. - THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FOR $1,000 A WEEK?

HEY, YOU HAVE A GOOD SUMMER, TOO.

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE GOOD TIMES? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE ALL-DAY FUN ♪

♪ IN THE SUN?

♪ 'CAUSE THE SUMMER IS READY FOR YOU ♪

♪ NO MORE PENCILS, NO MORE BOOKS ♪

♪ NO MORE TEACHER'S DIRTY LOOKS ♪

♪ NO MORE MATH AND HISTORY ♪

♪ SUMMERTIME HAS SET US FREE ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE GOOD TIMES? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE ALL-DAY FUN ♪

♪ IN THE SUN?

♪ 'CAUSE THE SUMMER IS READY FOR YOU. ♪

HEY, YOU MUST BE THE SHORT, DEPRESSED KID WE ORDERED.

GLAD YOU MADE IT.

WANT HALF OF THIS?

COME ON INSIDE, FRANKENSTEIN. I'LL BUY YOU A COCKTAIL.

ARE THE 12-YEAR-OLD GIRLS HERE?

- YEAH. - IT'S A TERRIFIC YEAR.

GOT A REAL GOOD BUNCH.

Boy: THIS GROUND IS SLIPPERY.

I COULD FALL AND GET WHIPLASH OR A BROKEN NECK.

THOSE ARE SERIOUS INJURIES. A GUY COULD DIE FROM THAT.

- PHIL, HE'S ALL YOURS. - THANKS, TRIPPER.

YOU RUDY GERNER? HI, I'M PHIL. YOU'RE IN MY CABIN.

- GOT TO GET THIS. - HI, MORTY.

HI, TRIP. YOU GOT THE RULES?

- NO, I'M LOOKING FOR THEM. - OKAY, HERE YOU GO.

VERY IMPORTANT. ALL YOUR C.I.T.s

HAVE TO KNOW THOSE INSIDE OUT. BACKWARDS, FORWARDS.

POST THEM UP, MAKE SURE THEY KNOW THEM. VERY IMPORTANT.

HEY, LARRY.

- LARRY. - WHAT?

I THINK THAT CHICK OVER THERE IS STARING AT ME.

- WHICH CHICK? WHERE? - OVER THERE.

[ laughs ]

HEY, SHE IS STARING AT YOU.

YOU'D BETTER GO OVER AND TALK TO HER.

SHE PROBABLY WANTS IT.

[ laughs nervously ]

WHAT'S COOKING, GOOD-LOOKING?

YOUR FLY'S UNDONE.

[ laughs ]

HEY, GUYS. COME HERE.

HEY, FINK, COME ON, OFF YOUR KNEES.

HEY, SPAZ. I WAS WATCHING YOU.

LOOKED LIKE YOU HAD A CHANCE THERE FOR A SECOND.

THANKS, TRIP.

- MY MAN. MY MAIN MAN. - HEY, TRIPPER.

EYES RIGHT, GENTLEMEN.

HEY.

HI. HI, LARRY.

JUST RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT.

ALL RIGHT. THESE ARE THE CAMP RULES.

MORTY WOULD LIKE YOU ALL TO TAKE A LOOK AT THESE.

THEY'LL BE IN HERE IF YOU WANT TO CHECK THESE OUT A LITTLE BIT LATER.

NOW, GENTLEMEN, IF YOU ARE,

I'LL TAKE YOU OVER TO YOUR CABIN ASSIGNMENTS FOR THE FIRST WEEK.

LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE SIX-YEAR-OLDS' CABIN.

ALL THEY KNOW HOW TO DO IS EAT AND WET THEIR BEDS.

YOU HAVE TO TEACH THEM EVERYTHING ELSE.

- CROCKETT, YOU TAKE IT. - NO, NO, TRIP. I DON'T WANT IT.

NO SIX-YEAR-OLDS. OH, COME ON, TRIP.

MY MAN. GOOD LUCK.

PUT YOUR COMIC BOOK AWAY AND GET YOUR SHIRT.

TAKE THE SHIRT BY THE SHOULDERS.

ONE FOLD, SLEEVEY, TWO FOLD, SLEEVEY.

- PRESTO! IT'S DONE! - HOW'S THIS?

- HOW'S THIS, MIKE? - THAT'S NOT BAD.

LISTEN, WHY DON'T WE JUST HAVE A NAP AND WE'LL COME BACK LATER?

- NO, FORGET IT! - COME ON, GUYS.

DO I HAVE TO COUNT TO THREE?

ONE... TWO...

TWO'S GOOD ENOUGH. COME ON, STEVE.

HEY, WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S ERNIE, MY PET FROG.

HE'S A JUMPER.

HOW COME HE DOESN'T HOP?

- HE'S TIRED, I GUESS. - NO, HE'S DEAD.

NO, HE'S SLEEPING.

FOR SURE, HE'S DEAD.

MISTER, COULD YOU HELP ME WAKE UP MY FROG?

HE LOOKS TIRED. WHY DON'T WE JUST LET HIM SLEEP A LITTLE LONGER, OKAY?

- YEAH. OKAY. - TAKE THAT NAP NOW, ALL RIGHT?

AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE FROG.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE 14-YEAR-OLD GIRLS' CABIN.

THEY'VE GOT THE DRIVE AND THE EQUIPMENT,

BUT THEY DON'T HAVE THE EXPERIENCE.

THEY BETTER NOT GET IT FROM YOU GUYS.

NOT THIS SUMMER, ANYWAY.

ROXANNE!

JUST THE PERSON I WANTED TO SEE.

LATER, TRIPPER. SAY, CHRISTMAS?

[ laughs ]

A.L., THAT'S YOUR CABIN.

YOU GOT THE JAILBAIT. WATCH 'EM.

- WOMEN. - THANKS.

- SEE YOU LATER. - ROXANNE.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M VERY DEEPLY HURT.

I MEAN THAT SINCERELY.

GLAD TO HEAR IT. EXCUSE ME.

HI, SPAZ.

SPAZ!

HEY, GUESS WHAT, GUYS? LISA FINALLY GOT HER PERIOD.

- LISA! - YOU DON'T HAVE TO ADVERTISE IT!

BUT THEY'VE GOT TO KNOW.

HEY, LISA, YOU'D BETTER WATCH IT 'CAUSE NOW YOU CAN GET PREGNANT.

YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THIS GIRL AND SHE GOT PREGNANT WITHOUT DOING IT WITH ANYONE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT WITHOUT DOING IT.

NO, STUPID. SHE DIDN'T DO IT. SHE ALMOST DID IT.

- OH, MY GOD. - HI, GUYS.

- GOT YOUR CABIN THIS WEEK. - HI, A.L.

- HEY. - GO ON, ASK HER. ASK A.L.

OH, ASK ME WHAT?

A.L., CAN A GIRL GET PREGNANT IF SHE ALMOST DOES IT WITH A GUY?

ALMOST? UH, I DON'T THINK SO, NO.

- THAT'S A RELIEF. - [ laughing ]

OKAY, SPAZALAPALOUS, YOU'RE IN HERE WITH PHIL AND THE 12-YEAR-OLDS.

- THIS HERE IS RUDY. - HI, RUDY.

YOU GOT TO WATCH OUT FOR THIS GUY.

HE'S DONE TIME FOR CAR THEFT.

OH, YEAH, MY KIND OF GUY, RUDY.

COULD BE A BAD INFLUENCE ON THE OTHER CHILDREN.

WATCH HIM. WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS AT DINNER.

- OKAY. - WATCH OUT FOR THE EAR, RUDY, LOOK OUT!

- SEE YOU LATER, SPAZ. - BYE, GUYS.

HI, GUYS, I'M SPAZ. I'M YOUR C.I.T. THIS WEEK.

- HEY, LOOK, IT'S SPAZ! - BOO!

HEY, BOZO, THIS IS MY BUNK. SO SHOVE OFF!

SETTLE DOWN! SETTLE DOWN!

HEY, COME ON, GUYS. SETTLE DOWN.

EVERYTHING'S PUT AWAY. THAT'S GOOD.

EVERYBODY HAS A BUNK. THAT'S GOOD.

EVERYBODY'S SETTLED IN. THAT'S GOOD.

AND EVERYBODY'S BEEN DELOUSED AND FINGERPRINTED. THAT'S GOOD.

Boy: PHIL, LOOK, IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF CAMP

AND WE'RE BORED ALREADY. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

Phil: RELAX, PETER. RELAX.

OKAY, YOU GUYS, AFTER LUNCH,

WE'VE GOT A BIG GAME WITH CABIN B-11.

AND I REALLY WANT TO WIN IT, OKAY?

- SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? - GONNA KILL 'EM!

- GONNA WHAT? - WE'RE GONNA KILL THEM!

- I CAN'T HEAR YOU. - WE'RE GONNA KILL THEM!!

WE'RE GOING TO KILL 'EM!

Tripper: Attention, all campers,

afternoon swim schedule is as follows:

Advanced dolphins will report to the dock

for survival swimming and IQ testing.

All senior silverfish,

meet on the beach for nude sunbathing.

Junior salmon, trout, and herring,

report to the nearest delicatessen.

Six-year-old tadpoles report to the swamp.

And all lobsters, get out of here. You're a menace.

♪ MEATBALLS

♪ Meatballs

♪ MEATBALLS...

- DAVID SAYS-- - HI, GIRLS.

I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO WORKING WITH ALL OF YOU THIS SUMMER.

I JUST HOPE THERE'S ENOUGH OF ME TO GO AROUND.

LANCE, PLEASE. WE'RE EATING.

♪ BUT DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S AT ♪

♪ TALK A WINNING GAME, BUT THEY CAN'T HOLD A BAT ♪

♪ MEATBALLS

♪ Meatballs...

- FINKER. - OH, CRAP.

DO I HAVE TO STACK THE DISHES AGAIN?

I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY. I'M WEAK FROM HUNGER.

HEY, LESS FLAK, MORE STACK.

GOSSIP, GOSSIP! WE WANT GOSSIP!

GOSSIP, GOSSIP! WE WANT GOSSIP!

GOSSIP, GOSSIP! WE WANT GOSSIP!

GOSSIP, GOSSIP! WE WANT GOSSIP!

GOSSIP, GOSSIP! WE WANT GOSSIP!

[ cheering ]

OKAY. OKAY. WE HAVE A GOSSIP UPDATE.

THIS IS THE NEWS. IT SEEMS AS THOUGH

LAST SUMMER'S HOTTEST COUPLE HAVE SPLIT.

I CAN'T TELL YOU THEIR NAMES,

BUT HER INITIALS ARE A.L.

AND HE'S THE HOTTEST C.I.T. ON WHEELS.

WE ALL KNOW THEY SPENT MOST OF LAST SUMMER IN THE BUSHES.

BUT THE QUESTION IS, WILL TRUE LOVE BLOOM AGAIN?

AND SPEAKING OF C.I.T.s,

THERE'S A CERTAIN GIRL NAMED WENDY

WHO'S GIVING ALL THE GUYS WET DREAMS.

- [ laughing ] - [ blows whistle ]

[ cheering ]

OKAY, JODY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

EVERYBODY, WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED STACKING,

ALL THE CABINS CAN GO TO THEIR OTHER ACTIVITIES.

I'LL SEE YOU IN A LITTLE BIT.

OKAY, YOU GUYS, LET'S PLAY BALL.

- LET'S GO. - ALL RIGHT.

LET'S MOVE. WE'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO THE CABIN FOR REST PERIOD.

IF I WANTED TO REST, I WOULD HAVE STAYED IN CLEVELAND.

YOU AND THE SHRIMP ARE PLAYING DEFENSE. GET YOUR SHIRTS OFF.

HEY, ALL RIGHT! WE'RE DEFENSE, BUDDY!

COME ON, LET'S GO. WE CAN WIN THIS GAME, ALL RIGHT?

♪ GONNA WIN TONIGHT, LOUDER, LOUDER... ♪

[ shouting ]

COME ON, YOU GUYS. LET'S KILL THEM!

COME ON, RUDY, GET IT BACK THE OTHER WAY!

[ cheering ]

GET OUT OF HERE.

WE CAN'T HAVE GERNER ON OUR TEAM. HE'S TOTALLY USELESS!

- HE SUCKS. HE'S TERRIBLE. - I KNOW. I KNOW.

OKAY, COME ON. LET'S REGROUP.

CAN I HAVE SOME FRIES, PLEASE?

HEY, GERNER! HOW'S IT GOING?

THIS IS THE BEST DAMN FOOD IN THE WHOLE TWO PINES AREA.

NOT SURPRISED YOU FOUND THIS PLACE.

I HAD YOU PEGGED FOR A GOURMET THE FIRST TIME I MET YOU.

THAT'S A SMART MOVE, BRINGING A SUITCASE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE LEAVING A LOT OF VALUABLE SOCKS

AND UNDERWEAR AROUND CAMP WHERE PEOPLE CAN RUSTLE AROUND IN THEM

WHEN YOU'RE OUT ON THE TOWN. THANK YOU.

YOU LIKE KETCHUP?

I'M GOING AWAY.

YOU GOING TO VEGAS?

IF YOU'RE GOING TO VEGAS, I WOULD BE UP FOR IT.

'CAUSE I LOVE THAT TOWN. I'M A PARTY GUY. I LOVE THAT TOWN.

I DON'T THINK THEY WANT ME AROUND.

YOU TALKING ABOUT THE SOCCER HEADS BACK THERE?

WELL, THAT'S LIFE IN THE FAST-PACED,

SLAM BANG, LIVE-ON-THE-RAZOR'S-EDGE,

LAUGH-IN-THE-FACE-OF-DEATH WORLD OF JUNIOR LEAGUE SOCCER.

I'M SERIOUS. I NEVER PLAYED THE GAME BEFORE.

I TRIED TO TELL THEM.

WHAT?

YOU TRIED TO TELL...

AND THEY... WHO WAS IT?

I'LL GET THEM.

I'LL GET THEM WITH THIS SWISS ARMY KNIFE.

THE SWISS TRAINED ME TO KILL AND I WILL DO IT.

I WILL GRAB THESE GUYS BY THE NECK,

TAKE THE TOOTHPICK, AND STICK IT RIGHT IN BETWEEN THEIR TEETH.

AND THEN I'LL SLAP THEM AROUND THE HEAD A COUPLE OF TIMES.

THEY'LL GO OUT FOR JUST A COUPLE OF SECONDS. THEY'LL BE UNCONSCIOUS.

WHILE THEY'RE DOING THAT, I'LL GO FOR THE CORKSCREW

AND I'LL GRAB 'EM, AND I'LL TAKE THAT CORKSCREW

AND I WILL STICK IT RIGHT INTO THE VOICE BOX.

I WILL TWIST THAT MOFO. I WILL TWIST IT IN THE VOICE BOX

AND RIP IT OUT AND HE'LL TALK LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYONE.

I JUST WANT THEM TO LIKE ME.

WHY?

YOU MAKE ONE GOOD FRIEND A SUMMER,

THEN YOU'RE DOING PRETTY WELL.

LOOK, IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE, COME TO ME,

TELL ME AND I'LL HELP YOU.

WHAT'S THAT? IS THAT YES OR NO?

YES IS LIKE THIS.

AND NO IS TWISTING, TWISTING, TWISTING.

- WELL, IT WAS YES. - IT WAS THIS ONE?

- YES. ONE OF THOSE. - IT WASN'T SIDE TO SIDE?

- NO, IT WASN'T. - YOU CAN HURT YOUR NECK DOING THAT.

OKAY, HAVE YOU GOT WHEELS?

'CAUSE I NEED A LIFT BACK TO CAMP.

MY FOLKS WON'T LET ME DRIVE 'CAUSE THEY CAUGHT ME DRINKING.

THEY DON'T LET ME OUT OF THE HOUSE ANYMORE 'CAUSE I'M A JERK.

THEY'RE GONNA SEND ME TO MILITARY SCHOOL.

YOU FORGOT SOMETHING.

THANKS FOR THE FRIES.

[ explosion ]

- CHRIST. - YOU ASSHOLE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU MOOK, WHY DON'T YOU WARN ME WHEN YOU'RE GONNA PLAY WITH YOUR DYNAMITE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, HARDWARE?

I'M HOOKING UP THIS HEAVY-DUTY OUTLET

FOR OUR NEW AIR CONDITIONER.

AN AIR CONDITIONER? THAT'S GREAT! WHERE IS IT?

MORTY'S OFFICE. HE LOVES HEAT.

OKAY, AN AIR CONDITIONER

JUST DOESN'T GET UP AND WALK AWAY.

ANY IDEA WHERE IT MIGHT BE, TRIPPER?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

MAYBE IT WAS STOLEN, MORTY.

OF COURSE IT WAS STOLEN,

BUT I'M GONNA FIND IT.

WILL YOU TWO GO OVER THE SCHEDULES, PLEASE?

OKAY, READY?

MONDAY, WEDNESDAY, AND FRIDAY, 2:00 TO 4:00 P.M.

JUNIOR BOYS AND JUNIOR GIRLS.

TUESDAY AND THURSDAY, 2:00 TO 4:00 P.M.

JUNIOR BOYS.

THURSDAY AND FRIDAY, 4:00 TO 5:00--

- ROXANNE. - WHAT?

I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS AS A FRIEND.

I CAN SEE RIGHT DOWN YOUR BLOUSE.

- OH. - SEE EVERYTHING, TOO.

TRIPPER, IS THERE SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU?

ROXANNE, I HAVE WHAT DOCTORS CALL VERY ACTIVE GLANDS.

YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I'VE TOLD. MY FOLKS DON'T EVEN KNOW.

WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN HAVE SURGERY WITHOUT THEM KNOWING.

OH, HECK WITH SURGERY.

- LET'S WRESTLE. - NO, LET'S NOT. OKAY, TRIPPER? NO!

- TRIP! - THE ATOMIC SKULL CRUSHER!

LET'S NOT DO THIS, OKAY, TRIPPER?

LET'S JUST STOP RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

OKAY?

AH!

- DIP LOCK! - WHAT?

- TRIPPER, NO! - SHARK-INFESTED WATERS.

DON'T DO THAT ONE, TRIPPER. NO! NO, TRIPPER!

OW!

TRIPPER, LET'S STOP NOW, OKAY?

NO, LET'S STOP.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT BLOUSE THING, BUT SOMEBODY HAD TO TELL YOU.

TRIPPER, GET OFF ME RIGHT NOW OR I START SCREAMING.

OH, AT THE COUNT OF THREE, I GUESS, HUH?

- ONE, TWO... - [ both screaming ]

HELP! HELP ME!

SOMEBODY, HELP! GET OFF ME!

- MORTY! - WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

- OH, MORTY. - WHAT?

MORTY, MORTY.

- SHE ATTACKED ME. - GIVE ME A BREAK.

SHE CAME AT ME LIKE AN ANIMAL.

[ gasping ]

WOULD YOU GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF?

[ whimpering ]

IT'S GREAT. YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE IT FROM OUTSIDE

- BECAUSE OF THE BUSHES. - OKAY, THIS IS IT!

THIS IS IT. NOW, IN FIVE SECONDS--

WE'RE TALKING FIVE-- WE ARE GONNA HAVE THE COOLEST CABIN IN CAMP.

- ALL RIGHT! - THANK YOU, MICKEY!

LET'S DO IT! YOU READY?

- ARE YOU READY? - I'M READY!

IN FIVE...

FOUR...

THREE... TWO... ONE...

DO IT!

- HARDWARE. - YEAH, CROCKETT?

YOU'RE A DICK.

OKAY. PIT STOP. CHANGE THE TIRES.

[ panting ]

NOT BAD.

YOU GOT PRETTY GOOD FORM.

- IT'S REAL GOOD, RUDY. - REALLY?

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S YOUR FIRST TIME OUT.

IT'S OKAY.

YOU WANT TO GET INTO SHAPE, THOUGH,

YOU'VE GOT TO COME OUT EVERY MORNING WITH ME.

I'LL MAKE YOU INTO AN ANIMAL.

FOR TOP PHYSICAL CONDITION, YOU GOT TO PAY THE PRICE.

OKAY.

OKAY.

Tripper: Attention, campers.

Remember, this is killer bee season in the north woods,

so don't provoke any flying yellow things.

You're just asking for trouble.

[ buzzing ]

HEY, CROCKETT, I TOLD CANDACE

I WAS GONNA CHRISTEN MY BOAT THE CANDACE.

AND SHE JUST ABOUT HAD A HEART ATTACK.

I DON'T THINK SHE KNEW HOW MUCH IN LOVE WE REALLY WERE.

HEY, CROCKETT, CAN YOU HELP ME A SEC?

SURE, CANDACE.

HURRY UP, COME ON!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CROCKETT, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER KIDNAPPED A GUY.

- NO KIDDING, HUH? - YOU'LL BE RELEASED UNHARMED.

I JUST WANT YOU LONG ENOUGH TO TELL YOU

THAT I'M REALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU.

- YEAH? - YEAH!

I THINK I'M SPECIAL, TOO.

HELL, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THIS CAMP

I REALLY WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH.

- REALLY? - YEAH!

- WHAT ABOUT LANCE CASHMAN? - LANCE CASHMAN?

- YEAH, LANCE. - LANCE CASHMAN IS A TOTAL JERK-OFF!

ALL RIGHT! SHE LIKES ME!

SHE LIKES ME! HA HA!

JERK-OFF? I DON'T JERK OFF.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS!

JUST THROW IT UP IN THE AIR AND HIT IT.

WHOA!

- I'M SORRY. - WHY DON'T WE SERVE?

YEAH.

DID YOU SEE THE WAY SHE HANDED YOU THE RACKET?

SHE WANTS IT.

YOU GUYS READY? HERE IT COMES!

- I GOT IT! - IT'S MINE!

GET IT! GET IT! LOB IT! LOB IT!

- I GOT IT! I GOT IT! - I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD IT, MEATBALL!

WHY DON'T YOU SERVE, THEN?

READY?

OH, OH, OH, I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I'M GONNA GET IT!

I'M GONNA GET IT! OW!

Tripper: Attention, here's an update on tonight's dinner.

It was veal. I repeat, veal.

The winner of tonight's mystery meat contest

is Jeffrey Corbin, who guessed "some kind of beef."

Congratulations, Jeffrey.

You just won a brand-new Chrysler Cordoba.

You can pick it up at Morty's office.

YOU BET.

FIVE.

I'LL SEE THAT FIVE.

WANT A CARD?

NO.

I'LL TAKE ONE. EIGHT.

15.

18. I'LL STICK.

20.

SHARK!

YOU'RE PLAYING SOME SORT OF SYSTEM, AREN'T YOU?

YOU'RE WATCHING THE CARDS, MARKING THE CARDS.

[ burps ]

[ burps ]

FROM THE DIAPHRAGM. THAT'S THE SECRET.

[ burping ] OH, REALLY?

REALLY?

FROM THE DIAPHRAGM.

- [ burps ] - THAT'S NOT FROM THE DIAPHRAGM!

ANTE UP.

WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE OFF-SEASON?

GO TO SCHOOL.

20.

20?

WHAT, ARE YOU SOME SORT OF MADMAN?

IS THAT WHAT THEY TEACH YOU IN THAT SCHOOL OF YOURS? 20?

I'LL SEE YOUR 20.

HELP YOU WALK OUT OF HERE WITH NOTHING.

I THINK I LIKE HISTORY THE MOST.

IT'S FUN TO IMAGINE

THAT I'M IN SOME OTHER TIME AND DIFFERENT PLACE.

SHUT UP AND LOOK AT YOUR CARDS!

BLACKJACK.

19.

21.

I'VE HAD IT. THAT'S IT.

CARD MONSTER! GET OUT!

I THINK YOU'RE PRETTY TIRED. I THINK YOU OUGHT TO GO HOME AND GO TO SLEEP.

- THIS WAS GREAT. - OH, YEAH, THIS WAS GREAT.

YOU'RE THE GUY WALKING HOME WITH ALL THE PEANUTS.

IF I WERE WALKING HOME WITH THE PEANUTS, IT WOULD BE INCREDIBLE.

IT WOULD BE SENSATIONAL!

ARE YOU GOING TO BED?

NO, I'VE CALLED AN ORGANIZATIONAL MEETING

OF THE C.I.T.s FOR A LITTLE BIT LATER THIS EVENING.

NO MIDGETS ALLOWED. SORRY.

WELL, ENOUGH OF THIS PLAYING FOR PEANUTS.

TOMORROW NIGHT WE PLAY FOR REAL STAKES-- ZUCCHINI.

CHILDREN STARVING IN INDIA, AND YOU'RE WALKING AROUND

WITH A WHOLE SOMBRERO FULL OF PEANUTS.

I HOPE YOU SLEEP WELL.

GOOD NIGHT, TRIPPER.

[ hums ]

ATTENTION, ALL CAMPERS.

IT'S NOW 9:30.

AND THAT'S LIGHTS-OUT TIME--

9:30, AS YOU KNOW.

TOMORROW IS PARENTS' DAY AND YOU MUST LOOK RESTED

OR MORTY WILL BE SENT TO THE STATE PENITENTIARY.

[ bellowing ]

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - TURN OFF THE LIGHTS.

EVERYBODY UP. EVERYONE'S GOT TO GET UP NOW.

- COME ON. - WHAT IS IT, BREAKFAST?

HARDWARE, GET UP! UP! UP!

WHO'S THE PUPPY?

- [ whistles ] - WHAT? WHAT?

ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN. BIG EVENT.

OPERATION LATE-NIGHT EXCITEMENT.

ANOTHER PANTY RAID, TRIP?

NO QUESTIONS, DOGFACE!

DRESS UP AND MOVE OUT!

[ snoring ]

TIE HIM UP.

DON'T WAKE HIM.

TIE HIM GENTLY NOW. HE NEEDS HIS SLEEP.

HONOR GUARD...

PREPARE TO RAISE THE CASKET.

[ snoring ]

WON'T FIT, TRIP.

SPIN HIM.

COMPANY, ROTATE.

RIGHT FACE.

- RIGHT FACE. - [ whistling ]

[ people laughing ]

[ alarm rings ]

Woman: GOOD MORNING, MR. MELNICK!

- [ horns honking ] - Man: HEY, MICKEY!

- HELLO, MICKEY! - HEY, MICKEY!

- HI, MICKEY! - HEY, MICKEY!

LOTS OF ROOM. LOOKS FINE, DAD.

LOOKS GOOD, DAD. COME ON.

- OKAY? - LOOKS FINE, DAD.

SORRY, DAD.

YO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUN WITH ME TODAY.

I KNOW YOU GOT THINGS TO DO.

NO, I'D RATHER RUN.

TAKES MY MIND OFF SEX.

YOUR DAD COMING UP TODAY?

CAN'T.

MINE CAN'T EITHER.

HE'S GOT TO MOW THE LAWN.

MIND HANGING OUT WITH ME TODAY?

NO.

OKAY.

♪ IF YOU LET ME

♪ I COULD BE YOUR GOOD FRIEND ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT IF YOU LET ME ♪

♪ WE COULD WALK TOGETHER ♪

♪ WE'RE NOT SO DIFFERENT

♪ YOU KNOW

♪ THOUGH WE MAY HAVE DIFFERENT DREAMS... ♪

HEY, GOT ANY KIDS IN YOUR FAMILY?

- NO. - DID YOU EVER DO ANY TIME IN PRISON?

- NO. - UH-HUH.

- YOU KNOW HOW TO HOT-WIRE A CAR? - NOT YET, NO.

YOU'LL LEARN IN CLASS.

YOU READ IN THE PAPER TODAY ABOUT THE POLISH TERRORIST?

- NO. - IT WAS A TRAGEDY.

THEY SENT THIS GUY TO BLOW UP A CAR,

AND THE GUY BURNS HIS MOUTH ON A TAILPIPE.

IT'S AN OLD ONE. YOU GET THAT A LOT UP HERE.

RATTLESNAKE! LOOK OUT!

[ grunting ]

SHH, QUIET. QUIET, SHH.

- SHH. SHH. - [ woman speaking indistinctly ]

OW.

"...AGAINST THE DANK JUNGLE FLOOR."

- [ breathing heavily ] - RELAX.

"IN THE DISTANCE, THE OCEAN UNDULATED WITH INCREASING FERVOR."

- I CAN HEAR THEM. - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

THIS BOOK IS REALLY DISGUSTING.

WELL, IT SOUNDS GREAT TO ME.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

"SHE COULD NO LONGER CONTAIN THE PLEA."

OH, MY GOD!

OH! YOU LITTLE HUNK OF HONEYBUNCH.

- [ moaning ] - [ laughing ]

- "'TAKE ME!'" - [ thuds ]

"'MAKE ME A WOMAN.' SHE REALIZED SHE WAS UTTERING SOUNDS

FROM DEEP WITHIN HERSELF,

NOISES UNLIKE ANY SHE HAD EVER MADE BEFORE."

SHHH. SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

SHUT UP, OKAY? SHUT UP. SHH, SHH, SHH.

"...THE HUNGRY PERSONIFICATION OF PASSION AND PAIN.

CLOSER AND CLOSER THE STRANGER CAME

TOWARDS THE ENTANGLED PAIR."

- I'M GETTING A BONER. - WHAT?

- I SAID I'M GETTING A BONER! - WILL YOU SHH?

SHH! WAIT A MINUTE.

- WHAT IS IT? - I THINK I HEAR SOMETHING.

COME ON, LET'S GO CHECK IT OUT.

QUIET.

SHHH!

THEY CAN HEAR US.

SHH, SHH, SHH.

I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.

I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING.

- I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE. - I BET YOU THEY HEARD US.

GET OUT OF HERE. GET OUT OF HERE.

- GO ON, GET OUT. - I'M GOING.

SPAZ, I'M STUCK. I'M HAVING TROUBLE.

COME ON, SPAZ, HELP ME. I'M HAVING TROUBLE.

PULL! SPAZ! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SPAZ, YOU'RE RIPPING MY FACE OFF.

- [ muffled scream ] - [ laughing ]

GET ME OUT OF HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ!

WHAT, ARE YOU A HOMO OR WHAT?

GET OVER HERE! OW! OW!

SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ!

Tripper: Attention, bus for the Camp Mohawk

basketball game leaving in 15 minutes.

And there is a very fat pair of pants

hanging on the flagpole this morning.

SEE YOU AT CAMP MOHAWK, MORTY.

ONE, TWO, THREE, CAMP MOHAWK.

DEATH, INJURY, BLOOD AND PAIN!

MOHAWKS, MOHAWKS, WIN THAT GAME!

DEATH, INJURY, BLOOD AND PAIN!

MOHAWKS, MOHAWKS, WIN THAT GAME!

DEATH, INJURY, BLOOD AND PAIN!

MOHAWKS, MOHAWKS, WIN THAT GAME!

LOOK OUT, MOHAWKS, WE'RE COMING THROUGH...

[ overlapping chanting ]

I DON'T KNOW, TRIP. THOSE MOHAWKS LOOK BETTER THAN LAST YEAR.

GUYS, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR US TO HUSTLE AT BOTH ENDS OF THE COURT.

WE'VE GOT TO MAKE THE OFFENSE WORK.

WE'VE GOT TO PLAY THAT BIG, TOUGH D.

WE'VE GOT TO CONTAIN THEIR BIG MEN INSIDE.

WE'VE GOT TO CRASH THE BOARDS ON OFFENSE.

WE CAN'T GIVE THEM THE BASELINE AT ANY PRICE.

MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE SCORE OF THIS GAME

IS TO SCORE AT THE BIG SOCIAL AT OUR PLACE TONIGHT.

- [ laughs ] - SO I WANT YOU GUYS TO GO OUT THERE

- AND PROTECT YOUR BALLS AT ANY COST. - ALL RIGHT.

BRUCE LEE, PATRON OF SELF-DEFENSE...

All: PRAY FOR US.

- LET'S GO, ALL RIGHT! - LET'S GO.

GET 'EM, GUYS. EXCUSE ME. THANK YOU.

LET'S GO, SPAZ. LET'S GO, SPAZ.

- SINK IT. - SORRY, GUYS.

FINK, OVER HERE. THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE.

THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE.

OH, LOOKS GOOD, HARDWARE. LOOKS GOOD.

COME ON, SHOOT IT.

ANOTHER ONE! ANOTHER ONE!

YOU KNOW, OUR GUYS DON'T LOOK GOOD.

THEY'RE NOT.

[ whistle blows ]

MOHAWKS, MOHAWKS, WIN THAT GAME!

GO, NORTH STAR, GO! GO, NORTH STAR, GO!

HIT 'EM AGAIN! HARDER!

[ whistle blows ]

HEY, WHEELS. YOU'RE GOING HOME IN AN AMBULANCE.

NICE SHIRT, CROCKETT.

- THANKS. - ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

- MOOK. - LET'S GO.

COME ON, LET'S PLAY SOME BASKETBALL.

COME ON. HERE WE GO.

[ cheering ]

HEY, NICE GOING, MOHAWKS. NICE GOING.

ASSHOLES.

[ laughs ] AM I ALL RIGHT?

- THAT WAS A GREAT TRY, BUDDY. - I THINK WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

THAT CROCKETT'S REALLY CUTE.

YEAH, BUT HE CAN'T PLAY BASKETBALL WORTH A SHIT.

THERE ARE FIVE GUYS. THEY PLAY OFFENSE AND DEFENSE,

BUT THEY PLAY AT DIFFERENT ENDS OF THE COURT.

AND THEY SWITCH SIDES AT HALFTIME.

WHEELS!

HARDWARE!

- YOU ALL RIGHT? - YEAH.

- EASY, EASY. - [ applause ]

NOW YOU KNOW WHY THEY CALL THAT GUY RHINO.

OH, MY GOD, HIS NOSE IS BLEEDING.

IT'S GONNA GET EVEN BIGGER NOW.

TACKY.

- COME HERE. YOU OKAY? - YEAH.

HARDWARE RENZETTI, GIRLS. IT'S JUST A NOSEBLEED.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA BE AT THE BIG SOCIAL TONIGHT.

HE'LL BE THERE.

DOESN'T LOOK ANY WORSE. REALLY?

- REALLY? - YEAH. GO OUT THERE.

- SPAZ! - HARDWARE.

GO, NORTH STAR, GO! GO, NORTH STAR, GO!

GO, NORTH STAR, GO!

LARRY!

[ screams ]

HEY, LARRY! YOU SCORED!

WAY TO GO! OKAY, YOU GUYS.

FEED FINK, HE'S OUR HOT MAN!

HARDWARE, COME ON! LET'S GO, LET'S GO!

LET'S KILL 'EM!

COME ON, GUYS. THAT'S IT.

- OH, SURE. - [ laughs ]

LARRY, AGAIN!

DO IT AGAIN, LARRY.

[ cheering ]

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S OKAY. WE CAN BEAT THEM ANYWAY!

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S OKAY. WE CAN BEAT THEM ANYWAY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S OKAY. WE CAN BEAT THEM ANYWAY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S OKAY. WE CAN BEAT THEM ANYWAY.

OKAY, THE ZONE'S NOT WORKING.

THEY'RE A LITTLE BIT TOO GOOD TO COVER MAN-TO-MAN.

AND WE CAN'T SHOOT FOR SHIT.

WHAT KIND OF TALK IS THAT FOR A COACH, HUH?

- YEAH, TRIP. - LOOK, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU GUYS.

THERE'S NO WAY WE'RE GONNA BEAT THIS TEAM.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, TRIP?

- WE'RE GONNA LOSE. - WHAT?

BUT WE CAN LOSE WITH SOME SELF-RESPECT.

NOW HERE'S THE IDEA.

GO, NORTH STAR, GO! GO, NORTH STAR, GO!

GO, NORTH STAR, GO! GO, NORTH STAR, GO!

- GO, NORTH STAR, GO! - GO, NORTH STAR.

MORTY, NICE TEAM SPIRIT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU AFTER THE GAME, TRIPPER.

- HOW WE DOING? - LATE AS USUAL, MORTY.

WHERE WERE YOU, YOUNG MAN?

OKAY, YOU GUYS. LITTLE TEAMWORK NOW.

TERRIFIC.

SPAZ, SPAZ, GET IN THE BUS. SPAZ, HURRY UP.

THIS IS THE PROUDEST MOMENT IN NORTH STAR HISTORY!

[ cheering ]

[ shouting ]

[ gargling ]

[ humming ]

FORGET IT, SPAZ. THEY ALL WANT ME.

[ dance music playing ]

YOU KNOW, CANDACE IS SURE LOOKING GOOD TONIGHT.

SO HE OFFERED ME 200 BUCKS TO RUN THE SAILING PROGRAM.

I SAID FORGET IT.

200 BUCKS DOESN'T EVEN BUY ME A PAIR OF SHOES.

I MEAN, I'M THE BEST.

NOW THE SERIOUS PARTYING CAN BEGIN.

- OKAY! - OKAY.

OKAY, VIRGINS ON THE RIGHT.

NONVIRGINS ON THE LEFT.

YOU FELLAS CAN DIVIDE THEM UP ANY WAY YOU LIE.

I GOT THE VIRGINS THIS TIME. YOU HAD THEM LAST TIME.

OKAY, YOU GOT THEM. BUT I GET THEM NEXT TIME.

- OKAY, BUDDY. - LET'S GO. THERE'S TWO RIGHT THERE, COME ON.

- HI, ROXANNE. - HI, MORTY.

REALLY GROOVY TUNES.

[ laughing ]

HI, JACKIE. HI, WENDY.

THERE'S JACKIE. WHY DON'T YOU GO ASK HER TO DANCE?

THAT WENDY'S DRIVING ME WILD.

YEAH, BUT JACKIE WANTS IT.

I HAVE TO TALK WITH ROXANNE

ABOUT A HIGHLY PERSONAL MATTER ABOUT ONE OF THE CAMPERS.

WILL YOU EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND?

- WELL, I WAS-- - YEAH.

IS THAT A BRA YOU'RE WEARING OR ARE YOU EXPECTING AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT?

ARE THOSE CLORETS IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?

OKAY, WE'RE EVEN.

THREE YEARS OF THIS.

I DON'T THINK I HAVE MANY LINES LEFT.

FRANKLY, ROXANNE, I'M FRIGHTENED.

OH, DON'T GO HUMAN ON ME NOW, TRIP.

I REALLY LIKE TO DANCE.

IT'S THE MUSIC, I GUESS, THAT STARTS MY FEET TAPPING

AND I GET ALL HAPPY INSIDE.

I GUESS IT'S JUST SOMETHING I WAS BORN WITH.

KIND OF A BIRTH DEFECT, HUH?

LET'S GO GET SOME AIR.

I THINK NOT.

WELL, I'M TRYING.

SO KEEP TRYING.

I'VE GOT TO GO CHANGE THE RECORD.

YOU CAN CHANGE THE RECORD,

BUT DON'T YOU CHANGE.

PROMISE ME?

I'LL BE WAITING RIGHT HERE.

HURRY. RUSH, DARLING. RUSH, DARLING.

♪ I'VE GOT LOOKS, I'VE GOT BRAINS ♪

♪ AND I'M BREAKING THESE CHAINS ♪

♪ MAKE SOME MOVES NOW

♪ TAKE WHAT YOU SEE

♪ SUCCESS IS MINE

♪ 'CAUSE I'VE GOT THE KEY ♪

♪ I'M MAKING IT

♪ I'VE GOT THE CHANCE, I'M TAKING IT ♪

♪ NO MORE, NO MORE

♪ FAKING IT

♪ THIS TIME IN LIFE I'M MAKING IT. ♪

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, A.L.? - WHAT?

THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MOMENT.

IT IS?

DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT TONIGHT IS?

TONIGHT'S OUR THIRD ANNIVERSARY.

THREE YEARS AGO TONIGHT WE MET.

OH, THAT IS SERIOUS.

OH, GOD. I'M SORRY. I FORGOT.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

YOU KNOW, WHEELS, FOR A JERK,

YOU'RE REALLY A NICE GUY.

WELL...

- COME ON, LET'S DANCE. - OH, NO.

COME ON.

NO. I DON'T KNOW HOW.

ONE, TWO, THREE. SIMPLE AS THAT.

- COME ON, LET'S DANCE. - OH, NO.

I'LL LEAD. YOU FOLLOW.

♪ AND IT MADE ME LOVE YOU ♪

♪ AND IT MADE ME

♪ NEVER WANT TO GO AWAY ♪

♪ AND IT MADE ME HELPLESS ♪

♪ AND IT MADE ME ALWAYS ♪

♪ WANT TO STAY THAT WAY. ♪

Tripper: Attention, campers.

Arts and crafts has been canceled due to bad taste.

All junior girls are now junior boys.

And Nurse DeMarco says the raccoon fever epidemic is officially over.

Hey, you on the water skis.

WHOA!

I SAW YOU DANCING WITH ROXANNE.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, SHE SORT OF CORNERED ME

AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO WITHOUT EMBARRASSING HER.

DO YOU LIKE HER?

WELL, I FEEL SORRY FOR HER.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S GOT A GLASS EYE.

I'M ONE OF THE FEW PEOPLE WHO KNOWS EXACTLY

WHICH EYE TO LOOK AT WHEN THEY'RE TALKING TO HER,

SO SHE'S SORT OF FIXATED ON ME.

WELL, I LIKE HER.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY KNOWN FOR YOUR TASTE.

I'LL PROBABLY JUST USE HER FOR THE REST OF THE SUMMER

AND THROW HER ON THE SCRAP HEAP

WITH ALL THE REST OF THE WOMEN I'VE DESTROYED.

I HAVE TO GO ON THIS OVERNIGHT.

I'M TAKING THE C.I.T.s ON AN OVERNIGHT FOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS.

SO YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO YOUR OWN TRAINING, SON.

I WANT YOU TO RUN TWO MILES TODAY AND TWO AND A HALF TOMORROW.

I'VE NEVER RUN THAT FAR.

NEITHER HAVE I, BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT.

I CAN'T BE EXPECTED TO DO IT. SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT.

AND IT CAN'T BE ME

'CAUSE I'M TOO BUSY.

I HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES.

I'M THE ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR FOR THE OVERNIGHT.

COME HERE.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO MAKE THESE P.A. ANNOUNCEMENTS FOR ME WHILE I'M GONE.

WAKE-UP, LIGHTS-OUT, PUBLIC SERVICE.

OTHERWISE I'M GONNA GET IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

SO I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD HELP ME OUT ON THIS...

NO, I DON'T WANT TO DO THE ANNOUNCEMENTS.

AND ACCEPT THIS NOMINATION.

- TRIP... - OKAY, NOW ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS TURN ON THIS POWER SWITCH HERE.

EVERYTHING WILL BE HUNKY-DORY, OKAY?

AND YOU CAN START BY TELLING THE C.I.T.s

TO MEET ME AT THE BOAT DOCK IMMEDIAMENTE.

I'LL SEE YOU IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

REMEMBER, RUN TWO MILES, THEN TWO AND A HALF.

THEN RUN THREE OR FOUR IF I DON'T COME BACK.

- PROBLEMS? - WE DON'T HAVE STEERING PROBLEMS.

YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST, DUDE. SLOW DOWN.

OH!

- FINKEL, PADDLE! - WHAT?

- HEY, YOU'RE SPLASHING ME! - PADDLE.

- NICE AND EVEN STROKE, HARDWARE. - YES, SIR.

SPAZ, KEEP US IN THE SUN.

I WANT TO EVEN OUT MY TAN.

LOOK AT THAT! YOU GOT IT?

- YEAH. - [ laughing ]

- SPAZ. - HEY, SPAZ.

Tripper: ♪ YOU LOVE ME, BABY

♪ BUT I LOVE YOU

♪ AND YOU LOVE ME

♪ SO LET'S JUST WALLA-WALLA ♪

♪ SIX TO EIGHT HOURS A DAY ♪

♪ DOWN BY THE MANGO TREE ♪

♪ DA-DA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA-DA-DA YOU SAID ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU

♪ IF YOU LOVE ME...

COME ON, YOU KNOW THE WORDS, ROXY!

♪ I LOVE ME

♪ SO LET'S WALLA-WALLA

♪ DOWN BY THE MANGO TREE

[ all singing ] ♪ I LOVE YOU

♪ IF YOU LOVE ME

♪ BUT YOU LOVE YOU AND I LOVE ME ♪

♪ SO LET'S WALLA-WALLA

♪ DOWN BY THE MANGO TREE ♪

♪ SO LET'S WALLA-WALLA

♪ DOWN BY THE MANGO TREE.

HAVE YOU KISSED MANY GUYS?

- DOES FAMILY COUNT? - NO, I MEAN REAL GUYS.

UH, TWO.

ONLY ONE WAS A REAL CREEP.

HOW DID THE CREEP DO IT?

SPAZ, WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW'D HE DO IT?

LIKE, I MEAN, DID HE ASK YOU OR DID HE JUST DO IT?

HE JUST DID IT.

IT'S A WEIRD MOON.

THE MOON KILLS, YOU KNOW.

[ laughs ]

IT FEEDS OFF THE EARTH.

A NIGHT LIKE THIS,

ONE OF US COULD GET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, GRAB AN AX,

AND CUT SOMEBODY'S HEAD OFF.

[ laughs, howls ]

Tripper: I REMEMBER A NIGHT LIKE THIS A FEW YEARS AGO.

A GUY AND A GIRL WENT OUT DRIVING.

IT WAS ONE OF THEIR FIRST DATES.

IT STARTED OUT KIND OF CASUAL,

BUT THEY ENDED UP DECIDING TO GO PARK--

NOT TOO FAR FROM HERE, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

THEY'RE GOING AT IT, LISTENING TO THE RADIO.

ALL OF A SUDDEN A NEWS BULLETIN BROKE IN.

"A DANGEROUS LUNATIC HAS ESCAPED

FROM THE HOSPITAL FOR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE AT TWO PINES."

OH, COME ON, TRIP.

THEY DESCRIBED HIM AS A MONSTER,

SIX AND A HALF FEET TALL, 260 POUNDS,

WITH ONE HORRIBLE DISTINGUISHING FEATURE--

A SHARPENED, STAINLESS STEEL HOOK...

EW.

WHERE HIS RIGHT HAND USED TO BE.

THAT WAS ENOUGH FOR THE GUY.

HE SLAMMED THE CAR INTO GEAR,

FLOORED IT, BOUNCED OFF A TREE,

DIDN'T STOP TILL THEY GOT TO THE GIRL'S HOUSE.

GOT OUT OF HIS SIDE, WALKED AROUND TO HERS.

THERE, HANGING IN THE DOOR,

COVERED WITH BLOOD,

WAS A STAINLESS STEEL HOOK.

OH!

THE STRANGEST PART IS THAT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,

AFTER THE BIGGEST MANHUNT IN TWO PINES HISTORY,

THEY NEVER FOUND THE KILLER.

SOME PEOPLE SAY HE'S STILL UP HERE IN THE WOODS

WAITING FOR THE CHANCE TO KILL AGAIN.

AND I SAY--

I SAY THEY'RE RIGHT!

[ screams ]

[ laughing ]

HEY, MY DINNER!

IT'S JUST A BULLSHIT STORY.

NO, YOU GUYS, IT'S TRUE. I HEARD IT BEFORE.

- ONLY I HEARD IT WAS ON A BEACH. - YEAH.

NO, I HEARD IT HAPPENED IN A PARK.

I HEARD IT, BUT THE GUY WAS MISSING A FOOT.

HOW COULD THE GUY HAVE A HOOK ON HIS FOOT?

[ laughing ]

[ Roxanne sighs ]

NOW THAT WAS NICE, TRIPPER.

Tripper: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I THINK I AM LYING ON SOME SORT OF ANIMAL.

LIKE A PORCUPINE.

JUST A BROKEN BEER BOTTLE.

OH, I WAS WONDERING WHAT YOU WERE YELLING ABOUT.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING SWIMMING.

[ splashes ]

THE WATER'S GREAT. COME ON IN.

NO, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SWIM FOR A HALF AN HOUR

AFTER CLOSE PHYSICAL CONTACT.

YOU'LL GET BAD CRAMPS.

COME ON, CHICKEN. IT'S NOT SO COLD.

NO, I KNOW YOU'RE LYING!

COME ON!

ALL RIGHT.

- [ splashes ] - [ screams ]

OH!

IT'S NOT SO BAD, IS IT?

WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED!

WHOA! COME CLOSER.

THERE'S A BUDDY SYSTEM, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

TRIPPER, YOU REALLY TALK TOO MUCH.

I WAS JUST WONDERING IF THESE WERE SHARK-INFESTED WATERS?

SHUT UP!

THERE IS A SHARK DOWN THERE.

GOD, THERE IS.

I THINK WE'D BETTER GO BACK TO MY SLEEPING BAG

BEFORE SOMETHING GOES WRONG.

WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE WERE YOU?

I WAS WITH JACKIE IN THE WOODS.

IN THE WOODS!

- RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT HER! - YEAH.

OH, SPAZ, YOU OLD MAKE-OUT MASTER.

HOW FAR DID YOU GET?

WE JUST WENT DOWN TO LOOKOUT POINT. THEN WE GOT COLD.

NO, NO, NO, HOW DID YOU MAKE OUT?

UH, WELL, WE JUST KIND OF TALKED.

YOU HAD HER IN THE WOODS AND YOU JUST TALKED?

- NO. - YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

- WE WERE-- - YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

I, UH...

I HELD HER HAND WHEN WE WALKED HOME.

HELD HER HAND?

SPAZ, YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY!

- THAT'S GREAT. - YEAH? YEAH?

- HELD HER HAND. - YEAH.

- IN THE WOODS. - YEAH.

- AND IT WAS DARK! - YEAH.

WOW!

LET'S CELEBRATE.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE, HELP YOURSELF.

I LIKE CHEEZIES.

CHEEZIES? YEAH, I LIKE CHEEZIES, TOO.

BOBBY?

OH, NO.

OH, NO, DON'T EVER CALL ME BOBBY.

ALL RIGHT?

MY GRANDMOTHER CALLS ME BOBBY.

AND I HATE IT.

SO I LIKE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME CROCKETT.

- OKAY. - ALL RIGHT?

WANT TO HEAR ME SAY IT?

YEAH, OKAY.

OKAY. CROCKETT.

CROCKETT.

CROCKETT.

♪ LET'S SAY IT WAS THE MOONLIGHT ♪

♪ THAT DRIFTED DOWN FROM HEAVEN ♪

♪ TO FALL UPON YOUR SHOULDERS ♪

♪ AND NESTLE IN YOUR EYES ♪

♪ LET'S SAY IT WAS THE MOONLIGHT ♪

♪ FOR ALL ITS ANCIENT POWERS ♪

♪ MUCH MORE THAN ANY MORNING ♪

♪ EVER COULD BE BRIGHT...

- LAND! - ♪ AND IT MADE ME LOVE YOU... ♪

LAND, SOLID TERRA FIRMA.

♪ AND IT MADE ME NEVER WANT TO GO AWAY ♪

♪ AND IT MADE ME HELPLESS ♪

♪ AND IT MADE ME

♪ ALWAYS WANT TO STAY THAT WAY ♪

♪ LET'S SAY IT WAS THE MOONDUST... ♪

- YOU'RE GOING IN. - OH, NO, NO!

♪ THAT HIDES BEHIND THE MOONLIGHT ♪

♪ FAIR WINDS SET US FREE ♪

♪ WITH ITS MOONDUST MELODY. ♪

Tripper: Important announcement. Some hunters have been seen

in the woods near Piney Ridge Trail.

And the Fish and Game Commission has raised

the legal kill limit on campers to three.

So if you're hiking today,

please wear something bright and keep low.

Good luck.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU'RE PACING LIKE AN EXPECTANT FATHER WITH THE CLAP.

[ sighs ]

THE OLYMPIAD'S TOMORROW.

SO?

I WANT TO DO WELL.

YOU WANT TO DO WELL?

BET EVERY DIME YOU GOT ON CAMP MOHAWK.

I DON'T WANT TO MESS UP AGAIN.

WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'RE ENTERED IN.

GERNER... GERNER... GERNER.

[ gasps ] THE POTATO RACE!

DAMN IT, DON'T THEY KNOW YOU'RE JUST A KID?

TWO YEARS AGO, A BOY FELL ON A POTATO

AND MASHED HIMSELF.

LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE YOU'RE IN.

[ gasps ] EGG TOSS!

OH, NO.

PROBABLY THE MOST PUNISHING

OF ALL FOOD-RELATED SPORTS.

I'M GOOD AT THAT ONE.

SURE, YOU'VE GOT THE BUILD FOR IT.

DON'T WORRY. YOU WON'T SCREW UP TOMORROW

NO WORSE THAN ANYBODY ELSE, ANYWAY.

ARE YOU GONNA GO AND SEE ROXANNE AFTER MORTY'S RALLY?

COULD BE.

AFTER THE WAY SHE TREATED ME ON THE OVERNIGHT,

I'M A LITTLE AFRAID TO BE ALONE WITH HER,

AND I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I THINK YOU LIKE HER.

REALLY. ADMIT IT.

YOU REALLY DO LIKE HER, DON'T YOU?

EW!

YES, YOU DO. COME ON, ADMIT IT.

YOU LIKE HER.

AW, YOU LIKE HER. YOU WON'T ADMIT IT.

[ cheering ]

YOU PIG!

HI, I'M MORTY MELNICK.

All: HI, MICKEY!

AND WE AT CAMP NORTH STAR WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME

OUR CAMP MOHAWK COMPETITORS...

- CAMP NORTH STAR SUCKS! - [ cheering ]

LET ME AT 'EM! LET ME AT 'EM!

LET ME AT 'EM! LET ME AT 'EM!

[ blows whistle ]

QUIET DOWN. QUIET DOWN.

...TO OUR ANNUAL TWO-DAY OLYMPIAD.

SO,

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

- [ cheering ] - [ blows whistle ]

- [ pops ] - [ air hissing ]

[ crying ]

[ pistol fires ]

UH-OH.

YOU GOT ANY LAST-MINUTE ADVICE, TRIP?

YEAH.

TRY TO JUMP VERY, VERY HIGH.

HEY, YEAH. THANKS.

GOOD LUCK.

WE'RE GETTING CREAMED ALL OVER THE PLACE.

YOU GOT IT.

OVER! OH!

HEY, ARE YOU OKAY?

GET INTO IT. COME ON.

JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.

YOU'RE OUT!

[ cheering ]

COME ON, JACKIE!

[ groans ]

OH, MY GOD!

DAMN IT, SHE'S HURT. GET ME A STRETCHER.

- DON'T TOUCH IT. - HER LEG'S BROKEN.

Morty: HEY, GANG, COME ON. JUST BECAUSE WE'RE LOSING

- DOESN'T MEAN IT'S ALL OVER. - CUT THE CRAP, MORTY.

THE MOHAWKS HAVE BEATEN US THE LAST 12 YEARS.

THEY'RE GONNA BEAT US AGAIN.

THAT'S JUST THE ATTITUDE WE DON'T NEED, PHIL.

SURE, MOHAWK HAS BEATEN US 12 YEARS IN A ROW.

SURE, THEY'RE TERRIFIC ATHLETES.

THEY'VE GOT THE BEST EQUIPMENT MONEY CAN BUY.

HELL, EVERY TEAM THEY'RE SENDING OVER HERE

HAS THEIR OWN PERSONAL MASSEUSE.

NOT MASSEUR, MASSEUSE.

- [ laughs ] - BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.

DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERY MOHAWK COMPETITOR

HAS AN ELECTROCARDIOGRAM,

BLOOD AND URINE TESTS EVERY 48 HOURS

TO SEE IF THERE'S ANY CHANGE IN HIS PHYSICAL CONDITION?

DO YOU KNOW THAT THEY USE THE MOST SOPHISTICATED TRAINING METHODS

FROM THE SOVIET UNION, EAST AND WEST GERMANY,

AND THE NEWEST OLYMPIC POWER, TRINIDAD-TOBAGO?

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER.

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER.

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

I TELL YOU IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

[ all chanting ] IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

AND EVEN-- AND EVEN IF WE WIN--

IF WE WIN--

HA! EVEN IF WE WIN,

EVEN IF WE PLAY SO FAR OVER OUR HEADS

THAT OUR NOSES BLEED FOR A WEEK TO 10 DAYS,

EVEN IF GOD IN HEAVEN ABOVE

COMES DOWN AND POINTS HIS HAND

AT OUR SIDE OF THE FIELD,

EVEN IF EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD

HELD HANDS TOGETHER

AND PRAYED FOR US TO WIN,

IT JUST WOULDN'T MATTER

BECAUSE ALL THE REALLY GOOD-LOOKING GIRLS

WOULD STILL GO OUT WITH THE GUYS FROM MOHAWK

BECAUSE THEY GOT ALL THE MONEY!

[ whimpers ]

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER IF WE WIN OR WE LOSE!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

[ all chanting ] IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER! IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!

STARTERS, TAKE YOUR MARK.

[ pistol fires ]

COME ON! COME ON!

[ cheering ]

♪ MEATBALLS

♪ Meatballs

♪ MEATBALLS

♪ MEATBALLS

♪ Meatballs

♪ MEATBALLS

♪ YOU AIN'T NO MEATBALL

♪ THEY KNOW IT ALL

♪ BUT DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S AT ♪

♪ THEY TALK A WINNING GAME ♪

♪ BUT THEY CAN'T HOLD A BAT ♪

♪ MEATBALLS

♪ Meatballs...

- YEAH, WE DID IT! - ♪ MEATBALLS

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

OKAY, YOU GUYS, WE'VE GOT TWO OUTS. IT'S THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH.

CARLA IS OUR WINNING RUN ON SECOND BASE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WE OUGHT TO DO, TRIP?

JODY, I DON'T WANT TO PUT ANY MORE PRESSURE ON YOU

THAN IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, BUT THERE IS A SCOUT

HERE TODAY FROM THE NEW YORK YANKEES ORGANIZATION.

AND IF MY BALL CLUB COULD WIN, WELL,

I WOULD GET A CHANCE TO COACH AT THE PROFESSIONAL LEVEL.

SERIOUSLY, JODY, SEE THAT GIRL OUT THERE WITH THE BIG BOOBS?

HIT THE BALL TO HER. SHE CAN'T CATCH.

NO SWEAT.

- ALL RIGHT! WELL, LET'S GO. - COME ON, JODY.

- ALL RIGHT, JODY! - COME ON, JODY!

AH!

[ grunts ]

DOUBLE TIME! DOUBLE TIME!

SAFE!

- YEAH! - [ cheering ]

[ whistle blows ]

COME ON, WHEELS!

Referee: READY?

GO!

♪ MEATBALLS

♪ Meatballs

♪ MEATBALLS

♪ YOU AIN'T NO MEATBALL

♪ THEY KNOW IT ALL

♪ BUT DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S AT ♪

♪ THEY TALK A WINNING GAME ♪

♪ BUT THEY CAN'T HOLD A BAT ♪

♪ MEATBALLS...

GOD, YOUR PITS STINK.

♪ MEATBALLS

♪ THEY STRUT AROUND...

WATCH IT! WATCH IT!

ONE...

TWO...

THREE!

HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME? I CAN'T STACK.

- I CAN'T EVEN WALK. - COME OFF IT, SPAZ.

YOU CAN SO. I'VE SEEN YOU WALK.

ANYWAY, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT TO IF YOU WANT TO BAD ENOUGH.

BESIDES, I KNOW YOU CAN.

COME ON.

Crowd: SPAZ. SPAZ. SPAZ.

SPAZ. SPAZ. SPAZ.

SPAZ. SPAZ. SPAZ.

SPAZ. SPAZ. SPAZ.

SPAZ. SPAZ.

STACKERS, GET READY.

GET SET.

[ whistle blows ]

Crowd: SPAZ! SPAZ! SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ! SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ! SPAZ! SPAZ!

SPAZ. SPAZ. SPAZ.

SPAZ. SPAZ. SPAZ.

[ laughs ]

COME ON, SPAZ!

- SPAZ! - [ cheering ]

[ whistle blows ]

SPAZ!

YOU DID IT! I TOLD YOU!

MMM-MMM-MMM.

MMM-MMM-MMM.

THAT'S RIGHT, FINK.

LOOK AT THOSE STEAMING WIENIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE SAYING, LARRY?

THEY'RE SAYING, "THIS IS THE YEAR

THAT FINK BEATS THE STOMACH."

NO, IT'S A COUPLE OF GUYS OVER HERE, BUT THEY'RE SAYING IT.

NO! SAVE IT.

SAVE IT FOR THIS GUY.

[ applause ]

WHAT? NO MUSTARD?

OKAY, HANDS UP. YOU GUYS KNOW THE RULES.

YOU GOT FIVE MINUTES. HALF-EATEN WIENIES DON'T COUNT.

MAY THE BEST MAN WIN. READY...

- SET... - [ blows whistle ]

YOU GOTTA WANT IT, FINK!

COME ON, GIVE 100%, FELLA. COME ON.

COME ON, YOU GOT TO WANT IT, BOY.

YOU GOT TO WANT IT. THIS IS YOUR YEAR.

YOU GOT TO WANT IT, LARRY.

EVERY DAY, I'M EATING MORE AND MORE HOT DOGS.

COME ON. PACE, PACE, BABY!

LEFT... SWALLOW. RIGHT...SWALLOW.

COME ON, LARRY, YOU'VE GOT TO WANT IT!

THE STOMACH'S WORRIED, LARRY.

HE DOESN'T WANT IT BAD ENOUGH.

COME ON, FINK!

THIS IS WIENIE WAR! NOW EAT!

COME ON, STRETCH THAT STOMACH, FINK!

COME ON! EAT, FINK! EAT! EAT!

PLEASE, EAT!

PLEASE, FINK, PLEASE!

LARRY! LARRY! COME ON, EAT, FINK!

- EAT! - [ blows whistle]

THE WINNER!

[ cheering ]

[ burps, groans ]

WAY TO GO, FINK.

YOU BEAT THE STOMACH, LARRY.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE CLOSE AND WE COULD WIN THIS THING,

SO LET'S GET SERIOUS. NOW THERE'S ONLY ONE EVENT LEFT.

IT'S A FOUR-MILE MARATHON. IT'S WORTH 20 POINTS.

UNFORTUNATELY, OUR BEST DISTANCE RUNNER, JACKIE,

- BROKE HER ANKLE. - YOU JERK.

SO, WE NEED A DISTANCE MAN. ANY IDEAS?

- YOU, BUDDY. - DON'T LOOK AT ME.

I'D BE PUKING AFTER THE FIRST MILE.

WELL, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT.

FINKELSTEIN'S YOUR MAN, SIR. LARRY FINKELSTEIN.

- HERE'S YOUR MAN. - NO, TRIPPER. NO!

WHERE?

RIGHT HERE. RUDY GERNER.

- PLEASE DON'T. - HE'S THE BEST WE GOT.

GET SERIOUS. I MEAN, NO OFFENSE, TRIPPER,

BUT THAT KID CAN'T EVEN CATCH A FOOTBALL.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, PHILIP,

RUDY IS A THREE-TIME JUNIOR STATE

LONG-DISTANCE MEDAL AWARD WINNER.

BULLSHIT.

AND HE WON A PRESIDENTIAL CITATION

FROM HIS COMMITTEE ON PHYSICAL FITNESS.

HE'S LYING TO ME. I KNOW IT, HE'S LYING.

- I CAN'T DO IT, TRIPPER. - YEAH, YOU CAN. BELIEVE ME.

MORTY, GIVE HIM A CHANCE. NO ONE ELSE WANTS TO.

COME ON, MORTY. MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

YEAH, COME ON, MORTY. FOR ONCE, MAKE A DECISION.

- COME ON, MORTY! - COME ON, LET HIM DO IT.

ALL RIGHT. GERNER RUNS THE MARATHON.

YAY!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OUR CHANCES ARE?

I HOPE I DON'T LET YOU DOWN, TRIPPER.

YOU WON'T. LET'S GO GET LAID BEFORE THE RACE.

- HOW'S THE LEG? - IT'S OKAY.

YEAH, FOR NOW. BUT IF YOU DON'T WIN, WE CUT IT OFF.

OKAY, HERE'S THE THING.

ON OPEN GROUND, THIS GUY COULD PROBABLY TAKE YOU.

BUT YOU'RE RUNNING THROUGH THE WOODS, YOU'VE GOT A CHANCE.

YOU'RE SMALL AND YOU CAN RUN THROUGH THE BUSHES.

YOU CAN DUCK UNDERNEATH THEM. YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE RABBIT.

YOU'RE WUDY THE WABBIT, OKAY?

WHEN YOU'RE RUNNING, THINK, "I'M WUDY THE WABBIT."

STAY WITH HIM, STAY RIGHT BEHIND HIM UNTIL YOU GET TO THE WOODS.

WHEN YOU GET TO THE WOODS, PASS HIM. JUST FLY BY HIM.

DON'T EVEN LOOK IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR. JUST MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!

YOU GOT TO BE WAY AHEAD OF HIM WHEN YOU GET TO THE EDGE OF THE WOODS.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU GET OUT, THERE'S A HALF A MILE OF OPEN GROUND.

AND THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A LOT OF TROUBLE.

YOU GOT TO HAVE A HELL OF A LEAD WHEN YOU GET OUT OF THE WOODS, OKAY?

- ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - RUDY GERNER.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S WUDY THE WABBIT. OKAY? WUDY THE WABBIT.

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - RUDY THE RABBIT.

WUDY THE WABBIT THE WINNER. YOU'RE THE WINNER.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HIM!

[ cheering ]

RUNNERS...

TAKE YOUR MARKS!

GET SET!

[ pistol fires ]

WUN, YOU WASCAL WABBIT! WUN!

[ grunts ]

[ grunts ]

[ breathing heavily ]

[ grunts ]

[ both breathing heavily ]

[ cheering ]

HE'S SPRINTING!

[ cheering ]

BYE-BYE, RUDY. YOU DID REAL GOOD.

THANKS.

- YOU COMING BACK NEXT YEAR? - YEAH, FOR SURE.

WELL, STAY IN SHAPE. GET ON A WEIGHT PROGRAM.

STOP HANGING AROUND WITH ALL THOSE FRIENDS OF YOURS.

THEY'RE A BAD INFLUENCE.

THANKS, TRIPPER, FOR EVERYTHING.

GOOD-BYE, CHAMP.

GO TO BED!

- Boys: GERNER! - HEY, LOOK! IT'S GERNER!

[ cheering ]

YOU WANT TO GO TO THE FINAL CAMPFIRE?

EH, ALL RIGHT.

IF I HAVE TO.

- [ guitar playing ] - [ singing ]

- HEY, TRIP. - HEY, YOU GUYS.

HI.

EDDY.

I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU.

YOU'VE ALL BEEN A REALLY TERRIFIC BUNCH OF C.I.T.s.

AND WE'VE ALL HAD A TERRIFIC SUMMER,

EXCEPT FOR A FEW MINOR INCIDENTS

I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO RIGHT NOW. BUT, THROUGH IT ALL,

WE'VE SHARED THINGS AND WE'VE BECOME CLOSER.

THAT EVEN MAKES IT HARDER TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

HOPE YOU'VE LEARNED A LOT OF THINGS. I KNOW I HAVE.

I JUST WANT TO SAY

I HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN NEXT SUMMER.

CAN I HAVE SOME APPLAUSE FOR THIS MAN, PLEASE?

- COME ON! - WAY TO GO, MICKEY!

- HEY! - HEY!

- HO YO! - ALL RIGHT.

- ALL RIGHT! - BUBBLY!

[ laughing ]

- CAN YOU GET THIS? - NO.

I'M VERY CLOSE. ARE YOU CLOSE?

- I DON'T KNOW. - I CAN'T HOLD IT.

I CAN'T HOLD IT ANY LONGER.

STICK YOUR FINGER IN MY EAR!

- HELP! - [ pops ]

[ cheering ]

HEY, SAVE A LITTLE FOR US, TRIP.

MORTY,

NO HARD FEELINGS?

- AHH! - [ laughs ]

HERE.

- ♪ WE ARE THE... - [ laughs ]

♪ C.I.T.s

♪ SO PITY US

♪ THE KIDS ARE BRATS

♪ THE FOOD IS HIDEOUS

♪ WE'RE GONNA SMOKE AND DRINK ♪

♪ AND FOOL AROUND

♪ WE'RE NOOKIE BOUND

♪ WE'RE NORTH STAR C.I.T.s ♪

♪ WE ARE THE C.I.T.s

♪ SO PITY US

♪ THE KIDS ARE BRATS, THE FOOD IS HIDEOUS ♪

♪ WE'RE GONNA SMOKE AND DRINK ♪

♪ AND FOOL AROUND, WE'RE NOOKIE BOUND ♪

♪ WE'RE NORTH STAR C.I.T.s... ♪

HERE WE GO!

♪ WE ARE THE C.I.T.s, SO PITY US ♪

♪ THE KIDS ARE BRATS, THE FOOD IS HIDEOUS ♪

♪ WE'RE GONNA SMOKE AND DRINK AND FOOL AROUND, WE'RE NOOKIE BOUND ♪

♪ WE'RE NORTH STAR C.I.T.s

♪ WE'RE THE NORTH STAR

♪ C.I.T.s...

- WHOO! - YEE-HAH!

- HERE WE GO, YOU GUYS! - THIS IS IT.

END OF SUMMER. YOU GOT THIS?

- OKAY. OKAY. - THERE WE ARE.

IS EVERYBODY THERE?

[ chatter ]

- WHERE WILL I STAY? - MY PLACE.

- WHERE DO YOU THINK? - IS IT BIG ENOUGH?

IT'S GOT A DOUBLE BED. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

HAVEN'T YOU EVER LIVED WITH ANYONE BEFORE?

NO. HAVE YOU?

PETS. YOU KNOW, A DOG, A FISH.

NO, I HAVEN'T.

I'VE NEVER ASKED ANYONE BEFORE.

COME ON, LET'S GO SAY GOOD-BYE TO MORTY.

OH, NO.

- BYE, MORTY. - BYE, MORTY.

HAVE A NICE WINTER.

MY FATHER'S BUYING A CAMP NEXT YEAR.

YOU WANT TO GO UP?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO. I--

- I KIND OF LIKE IT HERE. - OH.

♪ AND IT MADE ME LOVE YOU ♪

♪ AND IT MADE ME NEVER WANT TO GO AWAY ♪

♪ AND IT MADE ME HELPLESS

♪ AND IT MADE ME ALWAYS WANT TO STAY THAT WAY ♪

♪ LET'S SAY IT WAS THE MOONDUST ♪

♪ HIDES BEHIND THE MOONLIGHT ♪

♪ THAT FELL AND SET US FREE ♪

♪ WITH ITS MOONBEAMS.

[ revving engine ]

CARAVAN...

HO!

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUNSHINE? ♪

[ alarm ringing ]

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE BIRDS AND BEES ♪

♪ THE APPLE TREES

♪ AND A WHOLE LOT OF FOOLING AROUND? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE HOT NIGHTS? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE FIREFLIES ♪

♪ THE MOONLIT SKIES

♪ AND A WHOLE LOT OF FOOLING AROUND? ♪

♪ NO MORE PENCILS, NO MORE BOOKS ♪

♪ NO MORE TEACHER'S DIRTY LOOKS ♪

♪ NO MORE MATH AND HISTORY ♪

♪ SUMMERTIME HAS SET US FREE ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE GOOD TIMES? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE ALL-DAY FUN ♪

♪ IN THE SUN?

♪ 'CAUSE THE SUMMER IS READY FOR YOU ♪

♪ NO MORE PENCILS, NO MORE BOOKS ♪

♪ NO MORE TEACHER'S DIRTY LOOKS ♪

♪ NO MORE MATH AND HISTORY ♪

♪ SUMMERTIME HAS SET US FREE ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE GOOD TIMES? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE ALL-DAY FUN ♪

♪ IN THE SUN?

♪ 'CAUSE THE SUMMER IS READY FOR YOU... ♪

TRIPPER!

SOMEBODY!

HELP!

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE HOT NIGHTS? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE FIREFLIES ♪

♪ THE MOONLIT SKIES

♪ AND A WHOLE LOT OF FOOLING AROUND? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE SUMMER? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE GOOD TIMES? ♪

♪ ARE YOU READY FOR THE ALL-DAY FUN ♪

♪ IN THE SUN?

♪ 'CAUSE THE SUMMER IS READY FOR YOU. ♪

SOMEBODY!