All language subtitles for I Love You, Man 2009_track3_[eng]

(GOOD TIMES PLAYING)

♪ Why don't we step outside

♪ And change our view?

♪ We don't see eye to eye

♪ Sometimes it's true

♪ Good times will come around

♪ When we follow through

♪ I just want to share a smile

♪ With a friend like you

♪ A friend like you ♪

PETER: Looks good,
right?

So, my plan is to
create this cluster
of live/work lofts

all along the perimeter
here. And... Come here.

I also am planning
this neighborhood-y

kind of dining
and retail area

in the central square.

You know, I even
had this thought

that maybe you,
Denise and Hailey

could open up
a second location
for your store.

Really? Because
Denise keeps talking

about wanting to open up
another branch.

Well, it'd be great.
Yeah.

Look, the land is
a little pricey,

so I couldn't develop
it right away,

but once I sell
the Ferrigno estate,

I figured out I could at least
put a down payment on it

and still have enough
money left over

for the reception
in Santa Barbara.

What are you
talking about?
What reception?

Zooey, I know
it's only been
eight months,

but I am so madly,
insanely, ridiculously
in love with you.

(EXCLAIMS)

Will you marry me?

Yes! It just happened
two minutes ago, Hailey.

Can you believe it?

HAILEY ON SPEAKERPHONE:
No, I can't. It's amazing.

Oh, my God. I've been on like
10 million dates,

and you end up marrying
some totally awesome guy

who randomly walks
into our store?

Aw! It's so cute.
She doesn't know
she's on speakerphone.

HAILEY: You do not know
how lucky you are.

It is impossible to
find a good guy
in this city.

ZOOEY ON PHONE: I know.

I thought
we were connecting.

Oh, my God. Really?

Kind of.

I'm sorry,
but not really.

Hey, will you
conference in Denise?

HAILEY: Oh, my God!
You called me first?

(SCOFFS) Oh, God.

HAILEY: Awesome.
Yes. Hold on.

Hi.

(CHUCKLING) Hi.

I love that piece of
land. It's perfect.

I'm glad. I know
the neighborhood's a little...

DENISE:
Oh, my God, Zo!

I cannot fucking believe
you didn't call me first!

You are such a freak.
Hailey's first on
my speed dial.

DENISE: No, no, no,
I'm totally kidding.
I'm so psyched for you.

I feel like I'm gonna
puke right now.

Oh, my God, hold on.
Barry hates when I'm

in the house
during his poker night.

Give me a second,
you fat douche.

Get out. Get out of
the fucking house...

Zooey just got engaged!

To who?

DENISE: Are you joking? Peter.

To who? To me.

BARRY: I don't know Peter.

I've met the guy 20 times.

You've met him 20 times.

I don't know Peter.

You don't know Peter?

No idea who that is.

We've been on
like 20 dates with him.

You don't know him?

I've never met Peter.

You are such
an asshole.

Sorry, Zo.
Have you set a date?

Yes. June 30th
in Santa Barbara.

Peter already
booked the place

we went for that
long weekend.

So romantic.

Oh, my God.
He is so romantic.

The place where you guys fucked
for the first time, right?

Uh...

No.

DENISE: No, no, no,
that was the hot tub in Mexico.

Oh! That's right.
Santa Barbara was just oral.

DENISE: Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) You guys.

That's right.
The hot tub, yeah.

Mexico. You had your
period in Santa Barbara,

you wanted to wait. God,
you're so old-fashioned, Zooey.

(SOFTLY) You told them
about the hot tub?

Maybe.

HAILEY: Wow. So, June 30th?

Yeah, I know.
It's soon, but...

Who cares?
Peter's a doll,

and he goes down on you
like six times a week.

What are you waiting for?

Wow.

HAILEY: Marry him.
Don't wait.

Lock that tongue
down, girl.

Yeah.
It's gonna be great.

All right, you guys,
I'll call you later. Love you.

It is beautiful.
It's totally understated,

and it's just... It's perfect.

I know! No, he's the best.
I feel so lucky.

All right. All right, Debbie.
I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.

Honey! I've been totally
hogging the phone.

Who do you wanna call?

Oh, I'm okay.

My parents are
probably asleep,

I'll just talk
to them tomorrow.

You don't wanna tell
any of your friends?

I'll make some calls
this weekend.

Really? Well,
what about that guy, Tevin?

You talk to him
like 20 times a day, right?

Well, yeah. He works
two cubicles away from me.

I'll see him
Monday morning.

Or what's his name?
The one that you fence with.

Gil?

Gil.

Gil. Gilliam.

No, he's not really a "call
right away" kind of friend.

(LAUGHING) Whoa!

(EXCLAIMS)

Toasting.

Huh.

(LAUGHS)

Hi! Hi.

Hi.

(JOYCE EXCLAIMING)

Congratulations.

Thanks, Mom.

OSWALD: Excellent meat.
PETER: So good.

ZOOEY: This is delicious.
Thank you so much.

PETER: Really is, Mom.
JOYCE: Thank you.

But did Peter have
any good friends growing up?

I honestly don't
remember any.

All right, look, Zooey,
just to clarify here,

my dad worked for IBM, so we
moved a lot when I was a kid.

Robbie always managed
to have friends.

Of course, he probably wanted
to suck their dicks, but...

Oswald!

No, Mom, it's cool.
I totally did.

But he doesn't have to use
that kind of language.

Indeed.

Why?

My son is a gay man,
and I embrace his lifestyle.

It's true.
Dad loves the gays.

I actually made him
an honorary homo last month.

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

The point is, Zooey,

Peter always connected
better with women.

You know, I can see that
because he's a great boyfriend.

Thank you, fiancée.

Also, you gotta
understand, Zooey.

Peter matured sexually
at a very early age.

I remember taking
him swimming when
he was 12 years old.

Kid had a bush
like a 40-year-old
Serbian.

Oh! Come on. Okay.
Dad, please, stop talking.

Good to know.

Nice.

Come on. He had
a Speedo full of
Brillo. Be proud.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, God.

Who invited the
stand-up comedian
over here?

Zooey, here's the deal.
Peter's always been
a "girlfriend guy."

He put all his
focus and energy
into his relationships,

and all his dude friends
just fell by the wayside.

PETER:
Zooey, don't listen
to him, all right?

I mean,
we're eight years apart.

Barely grew up together
in the same house.

This is ridiculous. Why is it
weird that I had girlfriends?

Nothing. We're just saying
you never really had
a best friend, is all.

Well, who's your best friend?

I have two.

Hank Mardukas has been
my closest friend

since our first year at IBM.

Best man at our wedding. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, he was.

Talk to him two, three times
a week on the phone

for 30 years now.

And then there's Robbie.

What's up?

(EXCLAIMS)

Robbie is your
other best friend?

Correct. And Hank Mardukas.

(THE UNDERDOG PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

♪ Picture yourself
in a living room

♪ Your pipe and slippers
set out for you

♪ I know you think
that it ain't too far

♪ But I

♪ I hear the call
of a lifetime ring

♪ Felt the need
to get up for it

♪ Oh, cut out the middle man

MAN: What the shit
is he looking at?

♪ You got no time
for the messenger

♪ Got no regard for the thing
that you don't understand

Davis Dunn Realty, how may I
direct your call? Please hold.

♪ That's why you
will not survive ♪

MAN: Hold, please.
Put him through to Tevin.

It's very close to downtown.
How close do you wanna be?

Thank you, sweetheart.

I can't get you that
close. 'Cause the
schools are terrible.

The skyscrapers
were all lit up.
I got down on one knee.

She was totally surprised.

Well, I'm jealous, Peter,
'cause you never gave me a shot.

(WHISPERING)
But you're gonna
make the best husband.

Stop it. Stop. All right,
you can continue now.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

Morning, Tracy.

Hey, Tevin.

Hey, man.

What's so funny?

One of the guys
in my fantasy football league

just sent me
a QuickTime.

It's a grandma riding
a Sybian machine.

(CHUCKLES) What's that?

It's one of those
vibrating saddles

that women sit on to give them,
like, super intense orgasms.

Oh!

Check it out.

WOMAN ON COMPUTER: Oh, damn!

How sick is that?

It's very.
That's very sick.

So awesome.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Hey. So, what up, dog? How's
that Ferrigno dealio coming?

It's coming good. Yeah.
I'm getting ready to show.

Oh, great. Dude, I'm just gonna
throw this out there

because it's
a big piece of house.

You want a copilot on this, I'd
be happy to team up with you.

No, I know. I feel like I wanna
give myself the challenge

and just see how it goes...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I appreciate the offer.

No sweat.

Hey, anyway, you know,
my girlfriend and I...

Well, we had this very special
evening planned, and I...

Oh! She's a squirter! She's
squirting! We got a squirter!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Old Faithful!

Hello, fiancée.

ZOOEY ON PHONE: Hey, baby.
I totally forgot.

It's my turn to host
ladies' night.

Oh, no prob. I have
fencing practice, anyway.

I'll grab a beer with
Gil and the boys afterward.
Hit them with the big news.

ZOOEY: Great!
I gotta go. Love you.

I love you, too.

(SOFTLY) Peter! Peter!

I'm sending it to you.

No. I don't want it.

You got it.

(WOMAN MOANING)

Oh, God! Wait a minute,
I didn't even click...

How does it...
I didn't even click it on.

(TAPPING KEYBOARD)

Got a bush
like a porcupine.

I don't wanna know anything
about her bush. Hi, Lynette.

(GROANS)

Suck it!

Good bout, Gil.
Sweet bout!

Good job.

Wow. Way to go, buddy.

Great bout.

GIL: Fuck off!

Bro, really sorry
I lost my shit out there.

I just did not see that
In Quartata coming.

(CHUCKLING)
Oh! Hey, man, don't worry.

You came in with
a pretty sweet glissade.

Anybody seen
my manchette?

Did you look under
your plastron, dick wicker?

Fuck you, Larry!

LARRY:
Fuck you, Eugene.

Classic.

Thank you, Larry.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Hey, so you guys
want to, um...

like, get some grub
or grab a beer or something?

We're actually heading up
to Joshua Tree tonight.

Oh, yeah? What's
going on up there?

We're just doing
this thing for Eugene, you know.

Kind of a bachelor party,
camping trip kind of thing.

I didn't even know
you were getting married.

Yeah. Taking
the leap next Sunday.

Great.

Dirty little slut.

Whoa!

He's gonna lose his
virginity finally.

I've fucked my girlfriend.
He's kidding.

Right on! Very cool.
Very, very cool. That's cool.

I would've invited you,
man. I just didn't think
that you'd be into it.

You never really
come out with us
after practice and stuff.

Oh, no, dude...
Don't even.

It's so fine. Really. Thanks,
though. Thank you, but...

You know, it's funny, actually.
I just got engaged myself.

Wow. That's awesome.

You did? Congratulations.

Mazel tov.

That's great.

Good luck with that.

Thank you. And you, too.

Thanks.

Yeah.

All right, well,
we should probably hit the road.

Traffic.

Yes.

Have a blast.

LARRY: Shotgun.

We'll be back on Wednesday?

Oh, yeah.

Play a U2 record
while you're there.

LARRY: Good.
'Cause of Joshua Tree.

That's right.

HAILEY: It's hilarious,
know what I mean?

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

No, I'm serious. You know
what my favorite nights are?

Hanging out with you girls,
and I can do that guilt-free

because Barry loves hanging out
with his friends, too.

I mean, every weekend,
there's a golf getaway,

a ski trip,
a weekend in Vegas.

Wait, Vegas? You're not worried
he's gonna cheat on you?

He's 40 pounds overweight
with a Jewfro and a small dick.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I love the guy to death,
but I'm far and away

the best-looking woman
he's ever gonna get,

and I'm only a 7,
so, come on.

HAILEY: Oh, my God.
You're not a 7.

ZOOEY:
Peter's not a freakazoid.

I don't know, Zo. I mean,
I think this is kind of serious.

A guy without friends
can be really clingy.

Like, my brother-in-law
drives my sister crazy.

He's always like,
"When are you gonna be home?

"Where're you going?
Can I come with you?

"But nothing's on TV.
What am I gonna do?"

That's... No, come on.

"Be home before midnight."

Peter's not like that.
Please. He's just not like that.

Well, just wait.

But anyway, you've got six
bridesmaids and a maid of honor.

It's gonna be weird if we're
walking down the aisle alone.

WOMAN 1: Yeah, I know.

WOMAN 2: He's great.

HAILEY: So who's gonna
be his best man?

I have no idea.

I honestly think that
his best friend is his mom.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

WOMAN: Terrible.

No, no, no.
Not like that.

Peter?

Peter?

Honey?

Hey!

ALL:
Hey!

I made you guys
some root beer floats.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

DENISE:
Peter, are those
chocolate straws?

Yeah. Pirouettes.
Pepperidge Farm.

Thank you so much for the
floats, baby. That was so sweet.

My pleasure. Enjoy.

Hey, congratulations
on the wedding.

ALL: Congratulations!

I know. It's so exciting.
I feel so grown-up.

HAILEY: All right, sir.

Okay, ma'am.

Okay.

ZOOEY: (WHISPERING)
Do you think he heard us?

WOMAN 1: No.

WOMAN 3: No way.

I gotta get some
fucking friends.

This is cool. You're coming
to me for help.

Well, the good news is
not only do I know men,

but straight guys
are my specialty.

What does that mean?

I get bored pursuing gays.

I like to give myself
more of a challenge.

ALAN: (GRUNTING) Yeah!

Excuse me one second.

There you go, brother.
Dig deep, come on.

Push that shit out. Look at me,
I'm pinkies.
I'm barely touching it.

You're clear.
Locked it in, dude.
Nice job. Nice lift.

(SIGHS) Thanks, man.

You're welcome.

All right,
I'll see you around.

I hope so.

That guy was totally
flirting with you.

I told you.

And did you see his wedding
ring? Straight as an arrow.

I'm telling you,
hooking up is easy.

Meeting platonic
male friends, not so much.

So, what do I do?
I mean, how do I meet friends?

It's such
a weird concept.

Well, I can do some
recon around the gym,

but you're gonna have to be
aggressive about this, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Use the Internet to meet guys.

Get Mom to fix you up. I mean,
if you see a cool-looking guy,

strike up a conversation

and ask him on a man-date.

A what?

A man-date.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

No.

By that, I mean a casual lunch
or after-work drinks, okay?

No dinner and no movies.

You're not taking these boys
to see The Devil Wears Prada.

Oh! God,
I love that movie.

No, I won't. I got you.
I know what you mean.

This is really exciting. We're
gonna find you some friends.

PETER: So I'm gonna...
What do I do?

You don't play much?

I used to play a lot
of Hearts in college.

This is the same thing.

I don't even know why he called.
Hasn't even played poker.

I don't know. I don't know,
but it's Zooey's fiancé,

so just shut
the fuck up and be nice.

Well, if I do this, we have
sex with the lights on

when you get home.

Really?

Yeah. Like in Jamaica.

(SIGHS)

Fine.

All night long.

(CHUCKLES)

Fine. Love you.

All right.

My brother's
a great guy, you know?

I mean, he's smart,
he's...

Well, actually,
I don't know him that well,

but I'll give you five free
sessions if you take him out.

LONNIE: Go Beckham!

So glad Robbie
hooked this up.

(VOICE CRACKING)
This is awesome!
This is awesome!

Me, too.

This is really...

Isn't this great, man?
I love soccer!

Here we go, Galaxy!
Here we go!

Here we go, Galaxy!
Here we go!

Come on, Peter, stand up.
Here we go...

Shut the fuck up!

All right, now people
are really upset.

You shut up!

MAN: No, you shut up!

You shut up!
Hey, watch the game!

Honey, he just moved to LA.
He barely knows anyone.

He's an architect.

His mother says
he's so excited to meet you.

PETER ON PHONE: (SIGHS)
Robbie told me
not to have dinner

with any of these guys.

Your brother's a crazy person.
One dinner won't kill you.

Doug?

Peter?

Hey.

So you just
moved here, huh?

I did. Pretty recently.

A couple of weeks. Fresh off
the boat from Chicago.

Chi-Town.

Windy City.

Oh, yeah.

Da Bears.

(LAUGHS)
Those sports guys.

You know what else,

the other old Saturday Night
Live one I love? The...

What's the one
Dana Carvey does

with the old lady
who's like...

Church Lady?

Yes! Yes!

(IN IRISH ACCENT)
"Isn't that special?"

"Isn't that special?"

That sounded kind of
more leprechaun-y.

It did?

It did a little. A leprechaun.

(EXCLAIMS)

Nice to meet you,
too, Mel Stein.

MEL: Oh, the picture's from
a couple of years back.

(LAUGHS)

Have a seat. I'm so happy
to meet you in person, you know.

Me, too. How long have you been
using the Internet?

Three or four years.

I didn't know anything about it
until a couple of years ago.

You're good at it now.

Thank you.

And the big dog!

MAN 1: There it is!

Let me ask you guys.
Let me ask you.

Beatles, Stones.
On a count of three.

One, two, three. Beatles.

All in.

Fuck you.

MAN 2: I don't care.

All in.

MAN 2: You're an idiot.

That's you, pal.

I will call in.

Too much for me.

You're in.

Anybody else? Just me and you?

Yeah.

That's it? Pot right?
Trip queens.

MAN 3: Nice.

MAN 2: Three ladies.
Three ladies.

Nice hand.

Finally. Fucking finally.

Wait, let's see
what he's got.

Yeah, let's see
what he's got.

PETER: I have nothing.
I have five spades.

That's a flush.

MAN 1: Yes, one, two, three...

Flush!

He's a fucking asshole.

Relax.

I'm not gonna relax.

What?

I said you're
an asshole, Peter.

MAN 2: Don't take it
too seriously.

What are you staying in
with seven deuce suited?

With a fucking
rainbow rag flop!

Take the fucking chips.
I'm buying in.

I'm sorry...

Just give me some more chips.

I didn't know
it was a rainbow.

Is the wine
treating you well?

It opened up beautifully.
Thank you.

Excellent.

Come on.

Hot. Hot.

Oh, my God.

She's so hot.

She's smoking.

All right,
you done a boat race?

No.

Just drink the fucking beer,

and you'll get the hang of it.

I've got it. I will...

Doesn't matter who's winning.
It comes down to you and me.

It's gonna be anchors.
We're the anchors.

Let's boat...
Let's boat race! Race it up!

Ain't no luck
in boat racing.

One! Two! Three! Go!

Come on, Pete!
It's all you, Peter!

Go, go, go!

Take him down!

One more time!

Let's go!

(EXCLAIMS)

Come on! Go, Barry!

Barry! Damn it, Barry!
Fuck!

Yes! In your face!
In your...

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Holy shit!

I'm sorry.

BARRY: Get out of my house.

I'm so sorry.

BARRY: Just get out
of my fucking house.

I'm sorry.

This is not cool!

Get the fuck out!

I gotta tell you, Doug,
I really enjoyed this.

You know, I've been out
with so many jerks recently.

It's nice to meet somebody

I can have an actual
conversation with.

Let's do it again.

I'd love to.

Okay. Tomorrow night.
Matsuhisa, 8:00.

I will see you
there, sir.

Awesome.

You've been so busy.

I've hardly seen you
these past couple weeks.

I know. I've been
crazy at work.

I'm happy to see you now.

Have you been
kissing someone?

No.

Peter, your mouth
tastes like an ashtray.

Oh. Yes.

I went to dinner with
this guy, and he kissed me.

What the fuck are you
talking about?

My mom set me up
with this guy,

and he thought I was gay,
and it was just...

It was a whole
misunderstanding.

Your mom set you up with a guy?

Yeah.

You told me you were
going to dinner with a client.

No.

What the hell is going on?

Look, I overheard you
talking to the other girls

on your girls'
night and...

I knew it.

Look, I know that
you're stressed out

that I don't have
any close friends,

so I've been trying
to meet someone.

Oh! Right, you've been...
Okay, so that explains a lot.

I thought it was so weird you
wanted to hang out with Barry.

Yeah, exactly.
That guy's a dick.

Yeah.

I threw up in his face.

Yeah, I know.
Denise told me.

I threw up in his...
A lot.

Yeah.

Projectiled.

Yeah.

That's a real thing.

Well, I don't think I'm gonna
meet anybody by June 30th,

so our wedding party's
gonna be a little uneven.

Peter, I don't care.
I just want you to be happy

and to stop kissing
strange men.

(LAUGHS)

Wow, it's really
smoky in there.

Yeah, he got up in there.

Tongue?

Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't mind
brushing your teeth, would you?

No. I've already done
it a couple of times.

I'll do the
mouthwash again.

There's some Tom's
in the top cabinet.

No, I gotta go with
chemicals on this.

ZOOEY: I love you.

PETER: I love you, too.
I might use Comet.

(THE YEAH YEAH YEAH SONG
PLAYING)

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ If you could
blow up the world
with the flick of a switch

♪ Would you do it?

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ If you could
make everybody poor
just so you could be rich

♪ Would you do it? ♪

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

I live down there.

I like it.
I'm liking it.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It's a good space,
you know? It's a good vibe.

Yeah? Terrific.

Yeah.

Well, when the Santa Anas
come through, it is majestic.

Thanks.
I'm excited.

We'll let you know.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hi.

If you need any help,
just let me know.

Thanks.

Sure.

Mmm.

Thank you for eating.

I'm the first one, huh?

Yeah.

I never understood
why people

are so afraid
to eat at an open house.

I know.

Why's Ferrigno selling?

Oh, he bought a place
in Jackson Hole.

Ah!

Yeah, I think he's tired

of the Hollywood grind.

Right.

You know,
I've always wanted a pad

with a giant
Lou Ferrigno statue,

so I think
I've found it.

He's got one.

You're wasting your time
with that couple. Just FYI.

Why do you say that?

I saw the guy pull in.
He's driving a Saab 9.3,

which, I'm not a snob,
it's a great car,

but it costs $30,000.

This house must be,
what, 4, $4.2 million?

Doesn't quite
compute, right?

I hope that's not the case.
He was gonna make an offer.

I think he's trying
to impress that girl
he hasn't slept with yet.

The feng shui.

Yeah.

How do you know that?

Well, it's body language,
you know?

Look, that guy
needs to fart.

It's pretty clear, but he
doesn't know her well enough

to do it in front of her,
so they haven't slept together.

I like it. You okay?

Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm good.

He does seem to be clenching.

Yeah, he doesn't wanna fart.

When he gets enough space,
he'll let one rip, I guarantee.

Oh! That's a good move.

"Hey, go check out the kitchen,
honey. I'll meet you in there."

Okay. Yeah.

SYDNEY: Now watch.

He's making his move
slowly. Slowly but
surely. Watch the leg.

Wait for it.
Wait for it. Fart.

Boom. That's a fart,
motherfucker.

Oh, my God.

SYDNEY: That's a fucking fart.

PETER: Oh, my God!

Look at him crop-dusting

across your open house.
It's a disgrace.

He farted in
my open house.

He sure did.

MAN: You know what, guy?

I like it, but I'm thinking
it might be a little bit small.

Totally, and it
smells like fart.

WOMAN: What?

MAN: Never mind.

Let's take off, baby.
Come on.

SYDNEY:
Roll down the windows
in that car, sweetheart.

You called that.
That was like a play-by-play.

That's amazing.
You called that!

Yeah. Well, I know my farts.

Unbelievable.

Well, listen,
just full disclosure.

I have no interest
in buying this house.

Well, then why
are you here?

To eat your free food
and to try to meet a divorcee.

(SCOFFING) Are you serious?

I am.

Yeah. I've found
that at the classy open houses,

the spread is
usually pretty decent,

and there's a beautiful bevy

of attractive
and newly-single women.

I don't know what to say.
Thank you for your honesty.

Thank you for the sun-dried
tomato aioli,

because it's a revelation.

Wow. Hey, thanks
for noticing.

Yeah. All right,

I'm gonna take this
panini for the road.

There's an open
house in Bel Air

that promises to be
replete with cougars.

You don't wanna miss that.

No, sir.

It was nice to meet you. Yeah.

You, too.

Hey, you know what, here, let me
give you my business card.

All right.

In case you're looking for,

you know, a new home
or anything.

I actually specialize
in smaller houses,

bungalows,
that kind of thing.

Lovely. Let me give
you mine, as well.

Okay.

"Sydney Fife."

That is my name.

PETER: There you go.

Well, thank you for
the great open house.

My plezh. Okay.

All right.

Nice to meet you.

You, too, Sydney.

Hello.

I can't just call him.

Why are you being
a chickenshit?

He gave you his card.
It's an open invitation.

Engage your core.

It's beach season.
It's beach season.

I hate this. There's no rules
for male friendships.

What are you
freaking out about?

You went out with
those other guys.

I'm really nervous
about this one.

'Cause you
really like him.

All right, buddy,
great set.

Take five,
I'll come rub you down.

Look, if he does call,
no more dinners, okay?

It's sending the wrong message.

I know, I know.

(VOICE CRACKING)
Hey, Peter!

I got an extra ticket
to the Galaxy game tonight!

You know what? Thanks,
man, I'm sorry, I can't.

I got a function.

I got season ticks. I'll get you
on the flip side. Here we go.

Hey, thanks a lot
for hooking me up
with Elmo over there.

That was a blast.

What?
That guy's cool.

Here we go. Here we go.
Come on, push it out.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Everything you got!

Everything you got!
Everything you got!

(WHISTLING SOFTLY)

Yeah.

Just to...

Hey... Pathetic.

Sydney, how you doing?
It's Peter Klaven.

Hey, Sydney,
it's Peter Klaven.

We met at the open house
last week.

Get some guts, would you?
I got some cheese.
Give me a break.

No. Oh, my God.

Hey, Peter.

Hey, Carolyn.

Sorry.

SYDNEY ON VOICEMAIL:
Fife. You know what to do.

(BEEPS)

Hey, Peter.

It's Sydney Klaven.
No, that's not right.

(CHUCKLES)

Sydney, it's Peter Klaven.

I met you last week
at an open house,

and I had a showing and...

Anyway, I was wondering
if you ever wanted
to get together

and talk about real
estate and whatnot.
Or whatnot. And...

Hey, sugar.

Hey.

(STAMMERING)

I'm sorry, I forgot
what I was gonna say.
What was I saying?

Um... Uh...

Yes, the open house
and we met...
Anyway, no rush.

You call me back
whenever you get
a mo. Get a moment.

And we will talk
when I talk to you.

All right. Hope you're
having a great day.

Okay. Bye, now.

(SIGHS)

Fuck.

I'm fine with a little
mercury poisoning

as long as I get to eat
raw fish, 'cause I love it.

My doctor said it's bad if
you're trying to get pregnant.

HAILEY: I heard that.

Which Barry and I
are doing.

Oh, my God,
that's so exciting!

Ew! I'm sorry.

What?

I'm sorry. I just pictured
you and Barry having sex.

And he's so big and you're
so tiny, and I just...

Hailey...

Like, I totally imagined
Barry just like...

Okay, hold on, wait. Why are you
imagining us doing it anyway?

I'm seeing it again.

Well, stop! Stop! Cut it!

No, I love Barry.

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hi!

Hi!

What are you doing here?

I just had a meeting
downtown

with the owners
of the development site,

so thought I'd stop in
and say hi on my way back.

So, Peter, how's your
little manhunt coming?

Really, you told them?
Shocking.

Well, I mean,
Barry and his friends

said they had a great time
with you the other night.

PETER: Seriously?

No.

Well, I just... I don't drink
that much and they pound.

They were pounding drinks.

You're not used to drinking.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me just a second.

Peter Klaven.

Excuse me just one...

Hey, Sydney.
How are you?

(WHISPERING) Is that
a man or a woman?

(WHISPERING) I don't know.
I've never heard of Sydney.

Uh-huh. I could be in Venice
by 5:00, yeah. I can do that.

It's a man-date.
It's a man-date.
This is a man-date.

(MOUTHING)

James' Beach Bar and Grill.

I look forward to it.
Sounds great.

All right.
I'll see you in a jiff.

"See you in a jiff"?

I don't know why I said that.

I've never said that
expression before in my life.

I just said,
"See you in a jiff."

Honey, you're all flustered.
Who was that?

(SIGHS) It was just
this guy that I met
at my open house.

Sydney something or other.

Sydney. I like it.

Oh, my God.
Peter's got a boyfriend.

And I don't.

Oh, God, why does
everything have to be about you?

Because I'm single.

♪ You can wear my underwear
Vindaloo for us to share

♪ Always dressed
in summery tees

♪ You can play the wild card
Bury your bones in my yard

♪ Meet me at the waterslide

♪ Waterslide ♪

I'm meeting him right now.

ROBBIE ON PHONE:
Dude, no dinner.
He'll get the wrong idea.

You don't wanna get another
tongue-fucking at
the valet stand.

Yes, Robbie, I promise.
No dinner.

Dude, I'm pumped about this.
Call me when you get home.

Yeah!

Thank you both.

All right, so you
break it off with
your ex-girlfriend...

Yeah, and I met Zooey
the very next day.

Oh, man, no laj
between the vag?

What does that mean?

No lag time
between vaginas.

Ha, ha. Yeah, no.
I don't...

I mean, I didn't plan for it
to be like that, you know,

with no laj,
but it just happened.

Ah! All right.
How's the sex?

That's a little private,
wouldn't you say?

Look, it's something
we think about
on a second-to-second basis,

and yet we're not supposed
to talk about it? Why?

Well, I guess no one's
ever really asked me before,

but it's good.
Sex is good.

Oh, boy.

What, "Oh, boy"?

Well, your voice went up
when you said that.

So?

It means you weren't
being entirely truthful.

Look, I don't
know this girl,

so you can talk to me.
What's the deal?

I don't know,
I guess maybe sometimes

I wish that she enjoyed,
you know...

Getting it in the tush?

No. No, no, no.

That's my bad.

Oral sex.

Oh! She doesn't like
to put it in the mouth?

I can't believe I'm telling you
this. I don't even know you.

Forget it. Look.

Zooey's awesome,
and we have a great sex life.

We really do. I can't... I don't
even know why I said that.

Because you're speaking
honestly, all right? Relax.

And what about you?

You ever been married?

No.

For what I'm looking for,
divorcees are perfect, you know?

They don't want
anything serious,
and neither do I.

Well, hey, man.
You know, if it
works for you.

Believe me, Pistol,
it is the best.

"Pistol"?

Yeah. Pistol.

Because you're Pete.
So Pistol Pete.

Pistol Pete.

Excuse me, you guys
finishing up here soon?

Oh! No, sorry, chief, we're
actually staying for dinner.

No, actually, I already have
a dinner plan with my fiancée.

No, dude, this place has the
best fish tacos in the world.

Literally. Ranked.
You gotta have one or two.

It's the pico de gallo, man.
Just use your hands.

We're barbarians
after all, men.

Every once in a while,
I go down to the Boardwalk

and I just throw my own
feces like a gorilla.

You all right?

Whoo.

(EXCLAIMS) How can you
disagree with me on this?
I mean, look, my...

It's bad for
the whole world.

My lease is gonna
be up and I think...

You talking about hybrid cars?

Yes. Yes.

I thought you were talking
about hybrid animals.

Hybrid animals?

Yeah.

What the fuck is
a hybrid animal?

It took Andre the Giant
a barrel of beer to get
drunk, sometimes two.

(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"Hello, pretty lady."

(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"Anybody want a peanut?"

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Should we get a third
order of fish tacos?

Hands down, best fish taco
I've ever had in my life.

God, those tortillas
were incredible.

Yeah, they make
them in-house.

It sets up the flavor
for the whole dish.

You know what?
I just realized something.

I never even asked you
if you were interested
in buying a house.

No. No, why would I be?

Well, it's just when
you called me back,

I didn't know if you
wanted to talk about
real estate or not.

You just seemed
like a good dude.

I thought you wanted to grab
a beer. That's all.

I'm glad you called.

You get home safe,
Pistol.

You got it, Joban.

I'm sorry, what?

Nothing.

No, what'd you say?

I don't know.

You... You nicknamed me Pistol,
and I just called you Joban.

It means nothing.
I don't... I'm drunk.
I'm gonna call a cab.

(LAUGHS)

All right, man.
You have my number, yeah?

I got you stored
in my iPhin.

All right. If you
need me, call, okay?

Man, I'm golden.

Yeah. All right, man.

All right, bud.

Have a good night.

I don't know
the number for a taxi.

(WHISTLES)

(LAUGHS)

Hi, baby.

Hey.

Did you have
a good time?

Yeah, we did. Yeah.

Sydney's a cool guy.
Got kind of drunk.

Really?

Yeah, I had to
take a cab home.

Really? Did you...

Throw up in his face?

Yeah.

No.

Oh, good.

So that's good.

That's good.
So is he your best man?

It's way too early to
tell, but it's very
sweet of you to ask.

Go back to sleep.
I'll be in, in a
second, all right?

I just wanna see
if I got any hits
on Ferrigno.

Okay.

Whoomp! There he is!
There he is!

Stop it. Stop it.

Ass, ass and titties.

Stop it. Fucking stop it.

Fuck, I'm ticklish,
Tevin.

Okay. Uncle. Uncle.

Hey. How was
the open hizzy?

The what?

The open house.

Oh! The open house.
It was great.

Yeah? Did you flip
that bitch yet?

No. I mean, I've had
a few nibbles. No bites.

Nibbles?
Me no likey nibbles.

Peter, can I talk
to you as a friend?

Sure.

You're dealing with the house

of a major
Hollywood celebrity,

Mr. Louis Ferrigno,
The Hulk from television.

Of course. I know that.

How badly do you wanna
sell this house?

I need to. You know, for...

I know you need to.

You gotta do it
the old-fashioned way.

You gotta network.
You gotta meet a lot of people.

You gotta get them
some leave-behinds.

I have brochures.

Brochures are totally
different, okay?

How?

You see this picture right here?

Yeah.

Do you know who took it?

No.

M. Night Shyamalan,

the director of The Village.

Okay.

What's your bus-bench
ad situation?

I don't have any.

What about urinal cakes?

How about urinal cakes?

Do you use them?

When I pee.

That's not what
I'm talking about.

Go into any Olive Garden,
P.F. Chang's Chinese Bistro,

T.G.I. Friday's,
Fuddruckers.

What do they have
in the bathroom?

Urinal cakes
with my face on it.

Does it...
I don't see...

I've had people come up to me
on the streets and say,

"I know you
from somewhere."

"Yeah, you do.
You pissed on my face, friend."

I don't see how
having somebody
piss on my face

is gonna be able to sell
Lou Ferrigno's house.

Peter, you got the steak,
but I got the sizzle,
my nizzle. Right?

Why don't we split
the listing. Okay?

Let me wet my
beak on this action.
We'll both be winners.

I appreciate it,
but I'd really like to
try and do this myself.

Yeah. Absolutely.
I'm just putting on
my friend hat here.

I appreciate it.

All right. Whoomp! There he is!

Oh, jeez.

Watch yourself,
big girl.

(PHONE RINGING)

Fife.

Hey, Sydney.
It's the Pistol.

SYDNEY ON PHONE: Who?

Peter Klaven from the James'
Beach thing the other night.

Hey, yeah,
what's going on, man?

Yeah. Not much.
I'm working like a dog.

But, you know, usual...
The yoozh stuff.

I was just calling to say,
hey, I had a great time
the other night.

Yeah, I had a nice time,
man. Those fish tacos
are the tits.

Yeah, you know, if you
ever wanna grab lunch or
something, nothing major.

Yeah. Actually, you know?
I'm gonna take my puggle

for a little jaunt on
the Venice Boardwalk.

You should come meet me.

All right. Yeah, great.

Cool. Why don't you meet me
at Muscle Beach at like,

I don't know,
in a half an hour?

Muscle Beach, half an hour.

I will see you there,
or I will see you
on another time.

SYDNEY: That was very
confusing. I don't know
if you're gonna come or not.

No, I'll be there.
I'll be there.

SYDNEY: All right,
I'll see you then,
buddy.

All right.
Laters on the menjay.

What did I just say?

SYDNEY: He's a cross
between a beagle
and a pug.

The most beautiful
dog in the world.

He's cute.
What's his name?

Anwar Sadat,

after Anwar Sadat,
former president of Egypt.

Right.
Because you're a fan
of his policies or...

No, because they
look exactly alike.

Hey, so how's Ferrigno coming?
You got any offers yet?

Not yet, no.

This guy that I work
with, Tevin Downey,

he wants to share
the listing with me.

What? And split
the commission?

What about the land
you told me you
wanted to buy?

It would put a delay
on that, but I gotta
sell the place, you know?

Tevin's a total cheeseball,
but he markets himself
like crazy.

He's on bus-bench
ads all over town.

You know,
he says the place
is out of my league.

Hey, that is bullshit.
All right?

That open house
was understated.

It was classy
and elegant.

I've been to
a million of those
things and nobody,

nobody puts out
rosemary flatbread
paninis.

Now hold on,
my dog needs to shit.

Well, I'm trying
to sell the place,
believe me, but...

Hey, no, Pete.
Trying is having
the intention to fail.

You gotta scrap that
word from your vocab.

Say you're gonna
do it and you will.

Come on, buddy.
Good boy.

You need
a plastic bag or...

No, I don't clean
up after my dog.

Dog poop is like
a compost.

It's got a ton
of nutrients that
enrich the soil.

But we're on pavement.

God damn it! How about
cleaning up after your dog?

You mind your
own fuckhole!

(SCREAMING)

What the fuck? Psycho.

What was that?

I'm a man, Peter.

I've got
an ocean of testosterone
flowing through my veins.

Society tells us
to act civilized,

but the truth is
we're animals,

and sometimes you
gotta let it out.
Try it.

I'm not gonna start
screaming in the middle
of the Venice Boardwalk.

Come with me.

PETER: This is silly.

SYDNEY: Indulge me.

(SHOUTS WEAKLY)

That was really good.

Now gently remove your
tampon and try again.

(SHOUTS MOCKINGLY)

Respect the process. Why you
wanna mock the process?

Because it doesn't do anything.

Yell. If you don't yell,

I'm gonna punch you
in your stomach.

(SCREAMS)

That was really good, man.
That was terrifying.

You just scared my dog.

(SCREAMING)

(PETER SCREAMING)

Yeah? You feel better?

Yeah.

Want to get a corn dog?

Yeah!

Let's go.

(YELLS)

♪ I wake up, my shoulders cold

...the span of this, like,
I don't know, 30 pages.
It's insane. It's crazy.

I know. I read
it in college,
and I loved it.

What a great house.

Thanks, man. Check out the back.

Yeah.

This is a bumper car
I got on eBay.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, wow.

I was in a bidding war
with CarnivalKid 32,

so I had to go on the "Buy
It Now" price, but I got it.

Coolness.

And you remember Marlena.

Hey, Lenish.

Check out the piece
de resistance, bitch.

I wanna do it.
Separate garage.

Mr. Klaven.

Very nice.

Welcome to
the Temple of Doom.

Holy shit, Sydney.
This place is insane.

Holy fuck. Oh, my God.

SYDNEY: Thanks, man. I try.

PETER: This is amazing.

Thank you, sir.

You got some TVs.

SYDNEY: I do. I do.

Photographs.

SYDNEY: Beer?

I'll snake a brew.

Put on some tunes.

Is that you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's
me in ninth grade, man.

Are you that little kid?

Yeah, I was a late bloomer.

PETER: "Wrecking Crew."

Come and take
a load off, bud.

Oh, man.

Pop a squizz nut.

What's going on
over there?

Oh! This is where
I jerk off.

(CHUCKLES)
And the condoms?

I wear them when
I masturbate.

Are you kidding me?

I always get this reaction,

but the fact is they
decrease sensitivity
so I can last longer.

And there's no sticky
mess to clean up.

(EXCLAIMS)

And when your
divorcees come over,
you put them away?

Pete, this is the man
cave. There's no women
allowed in here.

I got a jerk-off station,
for God's sakes.

Sit down, man.

What about when your
guy friends come over?
Aren't you embarrassed?

Masturbation is
a part of life, Pete.

Dudes masturbate.
So do chicks.

You never talked
about masturbating
with your friends?

No, I haven't.

All right.

When was the last time
you did it, Pete?

I'm not gonna
tell you that.

Hey. Listen, you think of
this place as a Cone of
Silence, all right?

I'm not gonna tell anybody
any of the things
you say in here.

You have my word.

Zooey went to the Pasadena
flea market with her
friends last weekend,

and I did it then.

Well, that sounds lovely.

What'd you use?
Internet or DVD?

How do you get me
to tell you these things?

Come on.

I used a picture
of Zooey in a bikini

that I took when we were on
vacation in Cabo San Lucas.

Wait, you jacked off to a
picture of your own girlfriend?

You... That... Wow.
That is sick.

Oh, my God! What
is wrong with you?

What's wrong with that?

Pedro, there is so
much wrong with that,

I don't even know
where to begin. It's...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

That is sick, man.

Someone's ears
were burning.

Heard you say you jacked off
to her picture, sicko.

Hey, babe.

Good. Yeah, I'm over
here at Sydney's.
We're just chillaxing.

We're in the
chill station.

Yeah, I'm kind of
playing hooky from work.

No, I'll see you
at home later on.

Love you, too.
Bye-bye.

Hey, why'd you tell her
you bailed from work?

I didn't wanna
lie to her.

You're one of the most
honest people I've ever met.
You understand.

Yeah, I never
lie to women,

but, I mean,
there are some things

I choose not to
share with them.

I don't really
see the distinction.

Really?
So you've told Zooey

that you jacked off to
her picture last weekend.

Well, no, but...

All right. You shared
that information
with me, didn't you?

So there are dividing
lines. That's all
I'm trying to say.

I love to take a girl
out to dinner,

but I'm not gonna go golf
18 holes with her.

Zooey and I played golf together
a couple months ago.

It was really fun.

Sounds like a fucking nightmare.

(SCOFFS)

What do you play?

I play a little
bit of everything,

but if I had to
narrow it down to one,

I guess I'd say
I'm an axman.

Oh, sweet. Guitar.

What about you?
You play anything?

I used to slap the bass
in a high school jazz band.

All right.

Rush. I love Rush.

Dude, Rush is the
greatest band of all time.

Yeah, no, how about
of all time? All time.

(CHUCKLES)

You know what? We should
jam together sometime, man.

Yeah. Totally.

Totes McGotes. Cool.

(SNICKERS)

Well, you know what?
I should probably
hit it to it.

All right, yeah.
I gotta get to
bed early, anyway.

I'm doing a big day
hike with my buddies
in Malibu tomorrow.

Yeah. Hey, thanks a lot.
It was a really...
It was a good hang.

Yeah.

Sweet, sweet hanging.

Well, adios, Pistol.

Take it easy,
Siddy Slicker.

I'm sorry.

What?

I called you
Siddy Slicker.

That sucks.

No, it was pretty close.

It's a lame nickname.

I thought it was good.
It was better than Joban.

Yeah, right. I'm gonna get it.
I'll get a better one.

Dude, it was fine.

I'm gonna get you.

Get out of here. Out of here.

I'm gonna get you, sucka.

Later on, my...

LEANNE ON PHONE: Peter,
I have a Lou Ferrigno
for you on line three.

(MOUTHING)

Put him through.

Mr. Ferrigno.
Hey, it's Peter Klaven.

FERRIGNO ON PHONE:
Peter, what the
hell's going on?

Yeah. If you just go
past the first area
to the left,

he's right there.

Sure. What's your name?

Leanne.

Leanne. That was
my mother's name.

Really?

I don't know. Was it?

(LEANNE LAUGHS)

FERRIGNO: Peter, it's been on
the market for three weeks...

Yes.

and we haven't gotten one offer.

That's why
we're having another
open house this weekend.

Hello, mystery woman.

I think it was
very beneficial,
very beneficial.

FERRIGNO: Beneficial?
It was beneficial?

So you're telling me
we're gonna sell this house?

Absolutely,
and I've gotten
many nibbles this week.

Nibbles?

Yes, sir.

It's all about food
with you, Peter.

No one cares about the stupid
sandwiches you put out.

No, sir. No, I absolutely
agree with you.

You want to sell a house
and not a panini.

Paninis? Paninis?

Yes, sir.

(SOFTLY) Don't make him angry.

Enough with the cold cuts,

the condiments.

(SOFTLY) You wouldn't like him

when he's angry.

What the hell you think this is?

No, I understand.
It's an open house
and not a deli.

(GROANING)

Peter? Hello?
You need to focus.

Yeah. Yep. I think...
I think... Uh-huh.

Let people know my
house is for sale.

Forget about the sandwiches
and focus on selling
my fucking house.

Let's do this, okay?

Yes, sir.

Okay?

Okay.

Goodbye.

All right, thank you. Bye-bye.

You all right?
Hulk busting your balls?

Yeah. What are you doing here?

My blood bank's
a few blocks away.

I'm AB negative.
It's extremely rare,

so I try to donate
every couple of weeks.

Oh! That's really
nice, Sydney.

There's also this nurse
there who I wanna fuck so badly.

Oh, boy, here we go.
Should have guessed.

(CHUCKLES)

Weren't you
supposed to go hiking
with your friends today?

Yeah, a couple
of them had to bail,
but we'll reschedule.

Anyway, listen,
I got a house full of
leftover Koo Koo Roo,

so I was thinking maybe
you and me could go
grab some lunch

and squeeze in
a little jam session?

Leftover Koo Koo Roo?

Well, that sounds
about as appetizing as

a big pile of...
A plate of dirt, or something.

I'm... I was...
I'm kidding.

Yeah.
I still want to hang
out despite that joke.

That was a bad joke.

Yeah. You're
better than that.

(PLAYING TOM SAWYER)

♪ A modern-day warrior
Mean, mean stride

♪ Today's Tom Sawyer
Mean, mean pride

That's it.

How's that feel?

It feels tasty.

Yeah? You sound
pretty good, buddy.

Thanks, man.

Here we go.

BOTH: ♪ Though his mind
is not for rent

♪ Don't put him down
as arrogant

♪ His reserve, a quiet defense
Riding out the day's events ♪

(IMITATING GUITAR)

♪ The rhythm ♪

Whoa!

Wow, that's a good one,
bud.

Oh! Hey, check out
these two.

I call them bowsers.
It's my nickname

for people who look
just like their dog.

Good boy.

Bowsers? Where'd you
come up with that?

It sounded right.

Shit. Hey, geek!
I just stepped in
your dog's shit.

Now I'm gonna
make you eat it.

(LAUGHING)

Peter, run!

Yeah!

Take it.

♪ Today's Tom Sawyer
He gets high on you

♪ And the space he invades
He gets by on you ♪

It's a bit of a throwback,
but it comes with the built-ins.

It's wired for sound.

This is fun. This is a pair
of jeans that he actually...

This house is exquisite.

I'd like to make
an offer.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What do you think,
hon?

(CONTINUE PLAYING TOM SAWYER)

(VIBRATING)

ZOOEY: Yeah, I don't like that,

but for the most
part, I mean...

Take it.

Really?

Yeah, take it.

Sydney, what's up, man?

What happened? What?

Shut up! No.

Did it smell weird?
Is it discolored?

(HUMMING TOM SAWYER)

(IMITATING CYMBALS CRASHING)

Shut the fuck up!

PETER: So how long
have you guys known Sydney?

It feels like forever.
What?

Remember that time
we tripped acid together

and he made us
watch the news?

That was
a remarkable night.

Dude. Dude. Don't. Dude.

Don't be scared.

Stop it. Stop it. Drive! Drive!

Don't lean! Don't lean!

(SCREAMING)

Yeah, Pistol.

Dude,
Peter is on fire.

(SHUSHING)

(BELL BUZZES)

Boo-yah! Yeah!

Fuck me raw!

That's what
I'm talking about.

Sweet lunge, Peter.

Yeah, Pete.

Suck it, Gil!

I love it!

Marvin Berry.

"You remember
that new sound you
were looking for?"

Pete!

(SCREAMS)

Are you all right?

My fucking ass.

Hey, you did great
today though, man.

You did. Made it up.

To the top. First time.

Good job, bro.

Hey,
nice meeting you.

Yeah, nice meeting
you guys.

All righty, Syd.

Wait, where you going?

It's Sunday night.
Tina's nephews
are coming over.

We're gonna watch
Mr. Magorium's
Wonder Emporium.

No, I thought we were all
gonna have dinner together,

so I ordered us
a 6-foot sub.

I gotta bolt. Promised the kids
I'd take them to Cheeseria.

A little pizza action.

I'm stuck at home
grading papers tonight,

but thanks anyway.
All right?

Fun day, guys. Pete?

Oh! Man, you know,
on Sunday night,

Zooey and I
usually watch HBO.

Right. Yeah, yeah,
of course. Cool.

But I can't let you
eat a 6-foot sub
all by yourself.

ZOOEY: Do you want some?

PETER: No,

I had a foot and a half
at Sydney's. I'm golden.

So, what do you
guys do for, like,
seven straight hours?

Whatever. I mean,
like, we'll just hang out,
you know. Shoot the shit.

Mmm-hmm.

Sometimes we jam a little bit.

You play an instrument?

Yeah.

I can't believe
I've never told you.
I play bass.

Really?

Yeah.

(IN IRISH ACCENT)
I slap the bass
big time.

What do you... What is that?
You sound like a leprechaun.

No, that's a reggae guy.

What is that?

I just did reggae.

It doesn't sound...

It doesn't sound reggae?

No.

(IN IRISH ACCENT)
Slap the bass.

No.

How does it...

(IN JAMAICAN ACCENT)
It's like, big time,
big time.

Big time.

Slap the bass big time.

Mmm.

(IN ENGLISH ACCENT)
Slap the bass.

That sounded like Borat.

Yeah.

(IN LOW VOICE)
Slap the bass. Big time.

That's better.
That's better.

Syd and I have gotten pretty
good at a couple of Rush songs.

What do you mean, like,
fast-paced rock?

No, like, Rush.
Like the band Rush.

I don't know them.

The holy triumvirate.

Wait, you don't know Rush?

No.

You don't know Rush, the band?

No. Uh-uh.

"Exit the warrior,
today's Tom Sawyer"?

No!

I'm gonna hit you up
with a little iTunes accion.

I cannot believe
you've never heard Rush.

So when am I gonna
meet this guy

who's stolen you
away from me?

(LAUGHS) Pretty soon,
actually.

I invited him to that engagement
party

my parents are
throwing for us.

Wow, Peter!
This is serious.

It's mellow.
Besides, I wanted to
introduce him to Hailey.

Oh! That's interesting.

Right?

Yeah, I like that.

Hey, let me ask
you something.

Are you ready to get
your world rocked?

Ready! Yes.

Are you ready to
get your mind blown?

Do it!

Do you want to get
some Neil Peart all up in you?

I don't know.

Well, prepare
to be Rushified!

(LIMELIGHT PLAYING SOFTLY)

Sounds better
on big speakers.

I could see that.

Good, right?

Yeah.

Do you do it that
high when you do it?

Well, in real life,
I do it low.

But air bass
works best up here.

Right.

♪ Living on a lighted stage

This is exactly
what I look like
when I jam out, man.

(IN JAMAICAN ACCENT)
When I jam with my bass.

♪ In touch with some reality ♪

Slap the bass, man.

There you go. There you go.

I'm slapping the bass, man.

Slap the bass, man.
I slap the bass.

Please don't do that.

Slap the bass.

Please?

Slap the bass.

For the sake
of our relationship.

Slap that bass.

Please stop. Please.
Please stop! Thank you.

I'm slapping the bass.

(LAUGHING)

I'm so glad
you're celebrating
at my restaurant.

Of course, Mr. Chu.
We wouldn't go
anywhere else.

Hey, this is my
brother, Robbie.
Robbie, this is Sydney.

Hey, Bro Namath.

Nice. Nice to meet you.

Peter, you remember Alan.

From the gym.

Yeah, hey, man.

Hi, good to
see you again.

Alan, I'm Sydney.

Sydney, nice to meet you.

SYDNEY: It's a pleasure, man.

We're gonna
grab some drinks.

Cool, sweet.

All right. Show them
your stuff, fellas.

Hi.

Hey.

Zooey, this is Sydney.
Sydney, this is my
fiancée, Zooey.

Sydney, I'm so happy to
meet you. I've heard so
many great things.

Same here.
And let me tell you,

this guy,
he's gaga over you.
It's adorable.

Honestly.
It's true. It's true.

It's true.
Guilty as charged.

Psst. Hailey. Hailey.

Sydney, this is
my oldest friend
in the world, Hailey.

All right.

Hi. I'm good.

(LAUGHS)

You didn't ask,
but I'm good.

Nice to meet you, Sydney.

It's a pleasure.

Great. I told you
we were early.

Would you shut up?

It's supposed to be...

The minute we get in you
start bitching already?

You told me it was a drop-by.

You know what?

Isn't a drop-by.

This isn't a drop-by.

It's an engagement party.
What's wrong with you?

A Belvedere on the rocks.

You're such an asshole.

Could you shut up,
not talk to people?

Something with sour mix in it
for her.

Sorry they didn't
cater this to your liking.

ZOOEY: Hey, guys.

No...

Hi, you look beautiful!

Hey.

Hello, sweetie. How you doing?

Hi.

Thanks for coming.

Hi.

You guys know each other.

How you doing? Yeah, we do.

Yeah.

Yeah. So...

What do you got there?

Sex on the beach. Yeah.

You never know!
Gotta be prepared.

The possibility.

Wow.

I'm just saying,
you know.

What is going on over there?

Yeah, let me tell you.

Is that her date?

I'll give you the whole lowdown.

Should we...

What's up?

Hey, I don't remember.
Do you play an instrument?

No.

Because Syd and I,

my buddy Sydney, we've been
jamming a lot...

I don't play
any instruments.

Oh. I slap some bass,

and then Sydney's an axman.

'Cause I was gonna say
if you wanted to jam with us,

you know, that'd be cool.
But you don't have...

You have a piano in
your house, though,
don't you?

Yeah, I don't play.

Really? Why do you
have a piano?

The decorator
put it there.

Your... Does he...
I thought...
No one plays?

I'm gonna go check
on the table.

All right. Yep.

Hi. I'm Denise.

Hi.

Denise.

I'm Zooey's friend.

I've heard so much
about you.

It smells like a fucking
pet shop in here.

Mrs. Klaven,
the banquet
room is ready.

OSWALD: And who's
Mr. Sunshine here?

Hi. This is
my husband, Barry.

Come on back, everybody.
The banquet room is ready.

ROBBIE:
I'm filling myself up.
I need to undo my pants.

There's a lot of protein,
but I love it.

(CLINKING GLASS)

If I may,

I think it's only
fitting we're eating
tonight at Hop Louie's

because this is,
after all,

Peter's favorite restaurant
to bring all of his dates.

So of course he
would bring Zooey here
their first night out.

Just like the
rest of them.

(EXCLAIMS) No.

I remember that night
when Peter got home,
he called me and he said,

"Mom, this is the girl
I'm gonna marry."

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

And it's not just
because she wanted

an extra order of
slippery shrimp.

On the first date?

Hey, now.

Sometimes.

But the point is,
here we are
eight months later.

Peter, Zooey,

we love you,

and we wish only
the best for you both.

Cheers.

To Peter and Zooey.

Cheers.

Cheers.

PETER: Thanks, Mom.

Cheers, bro.

Thanks.

Well, I promised Denise we'd be
gone after appetizers, so...

SYDNEY: Know what? I'd actually
like to just say a few words

if it's cool
with the table.

Wow.

(SYDNEY CLEARS THROAT)

What an honor it is
to be sitting here

with Peter and Zooey's
friends, family,

Hailey, Robbie's lover,
Robbie, Oz, Joyce.

Thank you
for hosting this
beautiful dinner.

You got this guy with
the smoking hot wife.

And finally, we got Zooey.

Zooey, you are about
to marry one of the
most honest,

kind and fun-loving
people I've ever had
the honor of knowing.

The Pistol is
a pleasure-giver,
that's for sure.

(SOFTLY) Yeah.
A fucking puke pistol.

And the thing about
a man like that,
a man like Peter,

is that he never asks
for anything in return,

and that's why I'm here.

I'm here as Peter's friend,
as Peter's confidant,

just to say to you,
beautiful Zooey,

give it back. Yeah?

Return the favor.

And if you do,

I guarantee that you
will have a beautiful

and pleasure-filled union.

(SOFTLY) I don't think
she sucks his dick.

(WHISPERING)
Watch your mouth.

With that, I'd like to raise
a glass to Pete and Zooey.

Cheers.

Peter and Zooey.

Cheers.

(EXHALES)

(WHISTLING)

What the hell did you tell
Sydney about me?

Nothing.

I mean, aside from
how much I love you.

So, what was
with all that
pleasure-giver stuff?

I don't...

I might have mentioned
in passing or something

that you don't
like doing oral sex.

Ew!

Peter, that stuff
is private.

Is it? Really?

And telling Hailey
and Denise about the
hot tub in Mexico isn't?

That is so different.
They're...

What? How?

I've known them forever.

So?

Peter, see,
Sydney's like a stranger.

Hardly. He's become
a really good friend
of mine,

and now you know
how I feel when
there's no privacy

between you and
your girlfriends.

I thought you
loved those guys.

I do, I love them,
but, you know,

some things I want
to remain between
you and me.

Okay. Okay.

(SIGHS)

By the way,
it's not that I
don't like doing it.

It's just
that Rodney just
hated getting them.

Wait, what guy hates
getting blowjobs?

He had some weird
intimacy problems,
okay?

By the end of
our relationship,

he would literally shiver
when I touched him.

But before that,
I always liked it.

I liked it.

Great. That's great.

Perfect.
I mean, no pressure.
It's not like I'm saying,

"Hey, let's go home tonight
and get some BJs."
But, you know...

Look, if Sydney hadn't asked me
about our sex life,

we wouldn't even be
talking about this.

That's true.

Yeah.

You're right.

And Hailey was
really into him.

She was?

Yeah, she liked how honest

and direct he was with her.

I know,

that's the way he is.
That's his thing.

The four of us
should go out.

Yeah. That'd be great.

Yeah.

Sweet.

SYDNEY: Well, have
a good Pilates class.

WOMAN: I will.

SYDNEY: Be sure to
drink lots of water.

WOMAN: Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, Pete, let's
go out back, yeah?

Yeah.

She was very
nice-looking.

Yeah, I fucked her.

PETER:
I wonder if my pineapple
matches your pineapple.

SYDNEY:
Hey, you want to check?

Nope.

Yours is short and fat
and mine is long and skinny.

Yeah.

Pete, can I talk to
you about something?

Yeah, what's up?

Will you put down your treat

for a minute?

I feel really horrible about
that toast I gave at your
engagement dinner.

Oh!

It was ridonculous.

I was really excited
to meet Zooey and
your family,

and then I showed up there
and I was just...
I got so nervous.

It wasn't so great.

I want you to know
I'm really sorry.

Everybody must hate me.

No, no, no.
Look, you had
good intentions.

I did.

I know one person
that didn't hate you.

Was it Benji's wife?
She's a hot piece of ass.

No, Hailey.

Oh, yeah.
She was funny.

I think she likes you.
We should all go out.

She seems great, but within
five minutes of meeting her,

she was telling me
how she can't wait to
get married and have kids.

Look, she was
kidding around.

I made reservations to
play golf on Sunday
for the four of us.

No, Pete, I told you,
I don't play sports with women.

Look, man,
you told my fiancée

that she needs
to give me blowies

in front of my whole
family, all right?
You owe me.

(SIGHS)

You make a valid point.

It's golf. It's fun!

SYDNEY: I never have a beer
until the ninth hole.

HAILEY: Maybe we
can change that rule.

Okay. All right.

Keep your head down and fluid.

Okay. Okay.

Great, come on. You got it.

Oh, my God!

Whoa!

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

Zooey, that was a great shot.

Great shot.

SYDNEY: Really good.
I'm really impressed.

Ow!

Oh! I'm sorry!

Ow!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Fuck!

Sorry. Sorry.
I'm sorry,
Sydney. Sorry.

Motherfucker!
Fucking cock in my
fucking shit! God!

Mary.

You okay, man?

I'm sorry.

This is my nightmare!

PETER: Whack it up.

SYDNEY: Whack it, Hails.

Beautiful day.

Yeah, it is.
It's really nice.

It's kind of frustrating.

Yeah. My shin hurts.

I didn't realize my skin
could bruise that quickly.

ZOOEY: You're good.

You're killing us. Get moving.

Listen, just give me a second.

Rate of play, rate of play,

rate of play,
rate of play, rate of play.

Hailey, you know what,
why don't we just

pick it up and move
down the fairway?

She won't have a chance.

I got it.

He's kind of got a point. We're
really holding these guys up.

You're being an asshole. Hailey,
just take your time, okay?

He's not being an asshole.
There's a protocol.

Marshals come by,
there is time pressure.

You know, I'm done. This sucks.

Hailey, please...

I'm out of here.

Please don't go.

Where you going?

Come on, Hailey. It's okay.

I'm sorry.

Come on, Hailey.

Please come back.

Where are you going?

Did you say something?

No.

Thank you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, man.

Dude Von Dudenstein,
what are you doing tonight?

PETER ON PHONE:
I just left you
half an hour ago.

I'm watching HBO
with Zooey.

SYDNEY ON PHONE:
I know, but I just got

an e-mail alert
from the Rush fan club.

The Holy Trinity is
playing a small club gig
tonight at the Avalon.

Dude, it's Sunday night.
I can't bail on her again.

Dude, you have
your whole life

to sit around
and watch premium
cable with Zooey.

PETER:
Whatever, it's our
ritual. It's HBO.

It's not TV, it's HBO.

Ever watch Sunday night
programming on HBO? Spectacular.

It's fucking Rush.

(SIGHS)

I haven't seen them
since the Signals tour.

Can I invite Zooey?

(PLAYING LIMELIGHT)

♪ Living on a lighted stage
Approaches the unreal

♪ For those who think and feel
In touch with some reality

♪ Beyond the gilded cage

(WHOOPING)

BOTH: (IN JAMAICAN ACCENT)
Slapping the bass!

♪ Ill-equipped to act
with insufficient tact

♪ One must put up barriers
to keep oneself intact

♪ Living in the limelight
The universal dream

♪ For those who wish to seem

♪ Those who wish to be

♪ Must put aside
the alienation

♪ Get on with the fascination

♪ The real relation
The underlying theme

What the fuck?

Yeah!

♪ Living in a fisheye lens
Caught in the camera eye ♪

(PETER VOCALIZING)

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

My God. We could practice
every day for six months,
and I'm planning on it,

and we'll still suck. Yeah.
I'll give you a call.

All right.
Take it easy, Magooch.

Were you spying on me?

Yeah, I was. Because
I'm totally weirded out

about what's going
on between you two.

What are you
talking about?

We were just going
over the set list.

I mean, what's the big deal?

The big deal is

that we were supposed
to have a date night,

and you took me to this concert,
which is cool,

but then we get there and it's
like I don't even exist.

You don't even look at me.

You're licking
Sydney's bass guitar.

There were tons of guys
that were licking each
other's basses.

I just... I feel like I'm
losing you a little bit.

What? We were just doing
a recap of the set list.

(SIGHS)

What? Zooey.

Okay.

I was going over
the set list.

So the big day's coming up.
How are you feeling?

Well, you know,
I was feeling really good,

but Zooey and I have been
fighting a lot recently.

All right, let me ask
you a question. Why
are you marrying her?

What kind of
question is that?

Well, it seems to
me like you've gone

from relationship
to relationship,

so is Zooey the one
or is she just the next one?

No, she's the one.

All right, well,
how come?

Because.

I don't know.
We're in love.

Hmm.

And...

That's a hard
question to answer.

Oh... Listen, I'm not trying

to push you at all.
It's just for me,

sometimes talking
this stuff out helps

to clarify things.
That's all.

Let's go try on
some penguin suits.

Thank you, lovely.
What's your name?

Raquel.

That was my mother's name.

So I'm thinking
about asking Tevin

if he wants in on
the Ferrigno house.

SYDNEY: Dude,
I pissed on that guy's
face at a Bennigan's.

You do not need to be
splitting commission

with that
frosty-haired chode.

I have to face facts,
Syd. I'm a flats guy,
you know?

Tevin's got
the flash needed
to sell the place.

What do you think?

You look fucking stiff.

We're shopping for tuxedos
for your wedding, man.

Let's have a good time.
Loosen it up a little bit.

I wanna take a photo.
Now, give me an action pose.

Like what?
What do you mean?

Well, you're wearing
a tuxedo. What do
you think I mean?

When have you ever seen
anyone in a tuxedo
do that move?

Besides Runaway Bride.

The ESPYs.

You're wearing a tuxedo.
Think James Bond, all right?

Give me some James Bond.

No. It just looks like
you're pointing at me.

You look ridiculous, man.

What am I...
How can I...
I can't...

Think Timothy Dalton.

Oh! T-Dalt.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Tell you what.
Give me your best
Bond impression.

Why don't you
get off your board

and get on...
"Get out of my dreams
and into my car."

You looking for
your pot of gold?

Why does everything I do
sound like a leprechaun?

You tell me.
He speaks like the
coolest man on earth.

The name is Bond.

Oh, yeah. There you go.

The name is
James Bond.

James Bond.

I'll have a margarita.

Well, hey there,
Miss Moneypussy.

Wanna jump on
my jetpack?

All right, enough of that.
Let's just take the picture,
all right?

Arch an eyebrow for me.
Other eyebrow.

No, you just
look confused.

Arch your eyebrow up.
No, not both, just one.

I don't know how...

All right,
maybe I was wrong.
Let's see the back.

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

You know what? I'm not sure
I'm in love with the drape.

What's wrong with
the drape? Does the
vent move funny?

Should wear something
with more pizzazz.

Little more flash.

Don't like the split panel?

Peacock it out a bit.

No. Uh-uh.

Let's try...

PETER: What are those? Checkers?

Here. Give this one a try.

Give me a break.

No way, man.

Come on.

I can't fricking pull
that off. It's blue.

Look at me. You have
this image of yourself

as this straight-laced,
tight guy,

but I've seen you cut
loose in the man cave,
and it is fantastic.

Well, yeah.
Slap a little bass.

Yeah, it's the same
with the Ferrigno house.

You have all of
the skills in the world,
and you have no confidence.

Now, sack up, man.

Put on the fucking suit.

(SIGHS)

I can't believe you
just touched my balls.

(EXCLAIMS)

SYDNEY: Hey, so listen,
I also wanted to talk
to you about something.

This investment
opportunity has come up.
It's a total winner.

The only problem
is all my funds are
tied up in equities,

so I'm cash poor right now.

Uh-huh.

So I was wondering if you
would consider loaning
me a few shekels?

PETER: How much are
we talking about?

You know, 8.

$8,000. That's...
That's a lot of...

That's a lot of quiche,
you know? A lot of cake.

It might be
a little tricky,

just 'cause Zooey's dad
is out of the picture,

and, you know,
we're paying for
the wedding ourselves.

You know what?
Enough said.

An opportunity came up.
I thought I would ask.
No big deal.

Can you tell me
about the investment?

I can't, actually.
It's confidential
in nature, so...

Okay. Let me
think about it.

Yeah, of course, buddy.

Hello, Peter.

Doug!

This is my...

Sydney.

Sydney. This is Sydney.

You know,
it takes a lot of nerve

to spend a beautiful
evening with someone

and then never
call them again.

Doug, I can explain.

I just wish I could
take back that kiss,

because I felt
something that I
haven't felt in years,

and now I know
it was the taste
of betrayal.

It wasn't the
taste of betrayal.

The taste of betrayal.

It really wasn't.

It was the taste of betrayal,
you fucking whore.

Doug.

Good day.

Doug, wait.

I can actually
explain what just...

I would love
to hear that.

SYDNEY: Wow. I mean,

I knew when I got the nod
for the engagement dinner

you didn't have
a ton of friends,

but I had no idea
it went that far.

Truth is, I never
even thought about it

until Zooey and I
got engaged.

It's like, you were
basically just using me

because you needed to fill out
your wedding party.

Dude, no.
Not it at all.

I'd actually given up
on meeting someone,

and then you wandered
into that open house,
we hit it off,

and three-quarters
of the Rush songbook
later, here we are.

I just wish you'd told me.

Well, I was embarrassed.

I mean, you've had a close
group of male friends your
whole life. I haven't.

I started feeling like
some kind of weirdo.

I get it. But I just want you
to know that you're my friend,

and you can
tell me anything.

Thanks, Sydney.
I appreciate that.

Hey, man, look,
about that investment...

Pete, please, forget
I even brought it up, honestly.

I've been saving
my whole life,

and you were right. I'm gonna
sell the Ferrigno place.

Fuck, yeah, you are.

I'd be happy to
lend you the money.

I know you're good for it.

Pistol, that is great.
Thank you.

It's the least I could
do for the best man
at my wedding.

What are you
talking about?

I want you to
stand up there with me.
Are you cool with that?

Am I cool with that? Of course
I'll be your best man!

That's an honor! It's...

(CHUCKLES)

You're a whore,
Peter.

I think we're almost there.

I think we're almost there, too.

I think it's just about putting
the random people together.

We should talk about
the main table,

because if Hailey doesn't find
a date before the wedding,

which, let's be honest,
it seems pretty likely
that she won't...

I know.

...we have an extra
seat at our table.

Well, I was thinking that
maybe Sydney would
sit at our table.

I asked him to
be my best man.

Great! That's awesome.
That was the whole thing.

I'm not an idiot. You're not
psyched about this at all.

No, it's just... I feel like
he has some issue with me.

What? No.
You guys just haven't
spent any time together.

We've spent
some time together.

I'll talk to him.

Peter, do not talk to him.

He's gonna think I'm saying
stuff behind his back.

You are saying stuff
behind his back.

No. I'm just sharing
a feeling with you.

And I want you to.

But, Peter, please don't
say anything to him.

Okay, I won't.

So, we still
have to pick up
the marriage license.

Can you meet up
tomorrow afternoon?

Totally, yeah. Perfect.

SYDNEY: So, what'd
she say about me
being your best man?

PETER: She was pumped.
She thought it was awesome.

Come on, dude.

I'm the worst liar. I promised
her I wouldn't say anything.

Well, what is it?

She thinks you
don't like her.

What? That is... No,
of course I like her. Are you...

We've only hung
out a few times,

but she's gonna be your wife.
Of course I like her.

This dumb toast
is gonna haunt me forever.

Oh, man!

SYDNEY: Dude, why is
Ferrigno eating

with that
urinal-cake-faced fuckhead?

We gotta confront him.
Hold this.

No, wait. Sydney, wait,
wait. Wait. Sydney!

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!

What the fuck
is going on here?

Do I know you?

No, you don't know me,

but I believe you know
my friend Peter Klaven,

who has an exclusive
listing on this man's
property.

Lou, you promised Peter
the commission
to your house.

I know, but he's not
doing shit with it.

That is total crap,
Hulk, all right?

Listen, this kind of stuff
doesn't happen overnight.

Peter, who the
hell is this guy?

Hulk, let me tell you
something about Peter...

Look, get your hand out of my
face and stop calling me Hulk.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

I'm a person, okay?

I'm a person, okay.

I warned you.

You warned me?

Hello?

I'm on my way to
the marriage bureau.

SYDNEY: Fuck you, Lou Ferrigno!

Is that Sydney?

Hey!

Fuck you, Hulk!

Oh, shit.

What the...
What are you doing?

What's going on?

PETER ON PHONE: Sydney.

He's fighting Lou Ferrigno.

SYDNEY: Peter!
He's so strong!

Easy. Don't fight it.

Hulk has me in a sleeper hold,

I don't think I can take him.

Easy. That's it.

(SNORING)

ZOOEY: Peter!

TEVIN: Wow.

Peter!

Why the fuck would
anyone get in a fight
with Lou Ferrigno?

Sydney's a hothead.
He thought he was
standing up for me.

To The Incredible Hulk?

No, that's just
a character he played.

In real life,
Lou's actually a sweet man.

So, what does that mean
for your development property?

It means it's over.

Without the
Ferrigno commission,

I'm not gonna be
able to afford it.

You have some
money saved up.

Can't you just
write them a check,

you know,
to show your good faith?

Between the wedding,
and then, you know,

I lent Sydney some money.

I mean, it's just
I'm gonna be short. That's it.

Wait. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
You lent Sydney money?

For an investment.
All his money's
tied up in equities.

He's gonna pay me back.

Peter, that's not the point.

We're getting married.
You can't just keep stuff
like this from me.

Can I ask you
a question?

Why do you think
we're getting married?

What are you
talking about?

Sydney asked me that question,
and I couldn't...

"Well, why Zooey?" And I didn't
know how to answer it.

Are you kidding?
You're kidding, right?

Yes.

Two weeks
before our wedding

and you don't know
why you're marrying me?

Just forget it.
It was a stupid question.

I don't even know
what I was thinking.

Just forget... Take it back
10 seconds before I asked it,

and let's live
in that time.

The thing is, Peter,
I get why you would
wonder that. I do.

But I wish you would
have answered the question
before you proposed to me.

That's the thing.
Before I didn't
even think about it.

That came out bad, too.
I didn't... I'm so...

I'm confused.
I don't know what I'm saying.

Let me just make this
a little simpler for you.

I'm gonna go stay
with Denise and Barry,

and you and your bud
Sydney can hang out

and beat up Lou Ferrigno
and go to Rush concerts

and ride a tandem bicycle
down the Venice Boardwalk
for all I care.

We never rode bicycles.

Goodbye!

Zooey, come on!

This is ridiculous!
Zooey! Zooey!

(DOOR CLOSES)

(MR. PITIFUL PLAYING)

♪ Oh, Mr. Pitiful
Who let you down?

♪ Who let you down?
Who let you down?

♪ You still don't believe
You don't believe

Oh, my God.

♪ You don't believe
and your grievances show

♪ When your show box unfolds ♪

Oh!

My God.

All right,
he put up some billboards.
Put up some billboards.

Oh, my God.

(WAILS)

Oh, God! No!

Oh, fuck me over.
Fucking fucking fuck!

Are you kidding me?

Come on!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Yeah, it's open.

Hey.

That's what you
borrowed $8,000 for?

You saw the billboards.

Pretty awesome, right?

Pretty awesome?

My buddy Dave sells ad space,
so he got us a great deal.

Pretty awesome?
They're idiotic.

You put my face
on a 10-foot dick

over Santa Monica Boulevard.

Yeah. It's hilarious.

Well, in one day you
managed to screw my career,

you ruined my relationship...

What are you talking about?
Ruin your relationship?

Zooey walked out on me

because I asked her
why we were getting married.

Why would you
ask her that?

Pete, that conversation
was between you and me.

You can't have that
talk with her. I just...

Look, I assumed
you understood that.

God, I am so sick of
your ridiculous rules.

I like it that I
can share things
with Zooey.

I like it that if I
can't sleep at night,
she's there to talk to.

Do you know the best
night I've had in
the last five years

is the night
that Zooey and I
split a bottle of wine,

we made a summer salad,
and watched Chocolat
together.

You mean Chocolate?

Chocolat.

Chocolate with Johnny Depp.

Chocolat.

You're not fucking French,
Pete. It's called Chocolate.

Chocolate's got an "E" on it.

That was your favorite night?

Yes.

Your best night in five years
is watching Chocolate

with Johnny Depp? You should be
ashamed of yourself.

The combination of wine
and summer salad
and Chocolat, yeah.

You should be
embarrassed.

I think you're threatened
by what Zooey and I have

because I won't be able
to hang out every night.

Hey, you know what?
I have a ton of
friends, all right?

Yeah, who are all moving on
with their lives.

They're in relationships.
They have kids.
They're growing up.

Hey, let's not forget.
You were the one using me.

I think we were
using each other.

Whatever.

I really don't understand
what's going on right now.

I think we should spend
some time apart.

(SCOFFS)

Okay.

So if I actually do
wind up having a wedding,

it's probably best
that you not be there.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah. Sounds good
to me, Pete.

And if you could have
those billboards taken down...

Yeah. It'll take a few days,
but I will get on that.

And I'll also make sure
you get your money back
as soon as possible.

Also, I think you have
my season 2 Lost DVDs. If you...

(SCOFFING)

If you haven't
watched them yet...

It's fine, Pete.
They're right here.

Thanks.

Yep.

It's just Zooey hasn't
seen them all yet,

and she's really curious
as to what was going on
inside that hatch.

Yep.

I wish you
the best of luck, Peter.

You, too, Sydney.

Bye, Anwar.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, Denise.
Sorry to bother you.

It's...
I'll go get Zooey.

Thank you.

It's okay.

Hey, Barry.

Poker night.

Full table.

That's okay.

I'm here to talk
to my fiancée.

Nice face.

Thank you.

On the billboards.

Oh! Right. Yeah.

Yeah, my friend
Sydney, he...

I don't give a shit.

Hey.

Hi.

Could I talk
to you outside?

Yeah.

License to sell.

Yeah.

Look, that's what Sydney
borrowed all that money for.

He thought it would
help my career.

(SIGHS) Well, it got
your name out there.

Besides, you look
pretty cute with
a thick mustache.

(LAUGHS)

Zooey, look, I'm so
sorry that I asked you

why you thought we
should get married.

It's just that I've been talking
about this stuff with Sydney,

and, you know,
it made me nervous.

Peter, I'm nervous, too,
okay? It's a big deal.

I couldn't believe actually
how sure you seemed about
the whole thing,

which is why I freaked out
when you all of a sudden
started questioning it.

Well, I'm sure about us
for so many reasons.

Truth is,
I've been a girlfriend guy,
but out of all those girls,

you're the only one
that wanted me to
have my own life.

You know? You want me
to have friends
for me, not you.

It's, like, one of the
most romantic things
I could ever think of.

(BURPING) What's up?

Dude, come on.

Zooey, I love you,
and I wanna spend the
rest of my life with you.

Can we get this engagement
back on track?

Okay.

Please?

Yes. Yes.

Come on, it's poker night.

So?

So take her out for coffee.

I'm not taking her for coffee.

Why don't you take the boys
to Starbucks and play poker?

Because it's poker
night here. It's always
poker night here.

Yeah, that's my best friend.
I'm not leaving her, ever.

She can stay here for five years
if she wants to.

You're gonna dress
up like a cheerleader
tonight for me?

Fine. Get the fuck
out of here.

Hey, Zooey, you can stay
here as long as you want.

You are always welcome.

Thank you.

Uh-huh! Okay?
Hey, by the way,

Peter, they've got plenty
of room open on the poker table.

They were lying. They'd love
to have you play poker.

I'm not going to.

Okay.

Oh, my God.
Barry and Denise
fight all the time,

and then they
have really loud,
intense make-up sex.

Please get me out
of here, please.

Let's get your stuff.

Okay.

By the way, I ended
things with Sydney.

Peter, really?
I hope that's not because of me.

No, no. He can be a great guy.
It's just...

It wasn't really
working out.

Then you process
your purchase.

That sounds riveting.

(EXCLAIMS)

I just stepped
in your dog's crap, asshole!

Aren't you gonna pick up
your dog's shit, shit giant?

Pick up your shit
like a man!

Nice scarf, dickwad!

Okay, so what should
be our last song?

Into the Mystic.

That's perfect.
That is perfect.

Okay. Okay, so we have
to go through the place
cards one more time,

'cause I'm
a little bit...

(SIGHS) Why don't
you just call him?

Because guys
don't do that.

E, Ethan. What's up,
my man? E. Bone Capone.

I'm just hanging out, man.

I wanted to see if you
wanted to come over and
watch TV or something.

Again you're gonna watch
the Wonder Emporium?

Dude, what is there
to do at LEGOLAND

that you take
these kids every weekend?

I understand
that that's not
the point of teaching,

but just give them
all B pluses.

Can I...
Could I come with you?

What do you mean,
the kids think I'm creepy?

Good to see you, Peter.

You, too, Mel.

You know, I haven't
had a real friend
since my wife passed.

I'm really glad
you called.

Hey, do you have any
plans on June 30th?

I'm 89 years old.
What the fuck kind
of plans would I have?

Just needed an adjustment.
I hope it'll be better now.

NARRATOR: My mother
knew Roux's return

had nothing to do
with the silly old door.

So did I.

Stupid.

ROUX: My favorite,
hot chocolate.

LEANNE: Davis Dunn,
how may I direct your call?

Hey, Leanne.

Peter. Where have you been?

Well, it's my wedding
this weekend,

so I've been helping
my fiancée with all the
last-minute preparations.

They broke the mold
when they made you.

Yeah.

Go check your voice mail.
You got like a million messages.

MAN 1 ON VOICEMAIL:
Yeah, is this Pistol Pete?

I have a home in Los Feliz,
and I've been trying to sell it,

and I saw your billboards. I'm
very impressed with your ads.

MAN 2: License to sell?
That's hysterical!
It's like James Bond.

MAN 3: Hi, I'm interested
in buying the Ferrigno estate.

If you could give me a call.

Oh, my God.

WOMAN: I love the one
with you in the bed.

My number is 310...

My husband and I saw your ad...

Stop. Slow down.

Hello, Peter. It's Doug.

Saw the billboards.
They are wonderful.

Wouldn't expect
anything less from you.

And sorry about
calling you a whore.

And hello to Sydney
if you guys are still together.

Otherwise,
you can Facebook me.

Peter, hi. It's Lou Ferrigno.
Wonderful billboards.

Listen, I'm sorry if I
ever doubted you, man.

I told that douchebag Tevin

that I want you to
have the exclusive
back on my house.

Excuse me, Mr. Ferrigno?

Yeah.

Ten-minute warning.

Okay. Thank you.

So just call me
or just text me.

Goodbye, my friend.

There's my dog!

Hey, me rikey
the billboards.

I completely underestimated you,
my brother.

What say we go
down to Houston's,
get a burger and a beer

and talk about how
we can tag-team
the Ferrigno deal?

Ow!
Why are you slapping me?

Because I wanted
to cause you some physical pain,

but I have never actually
hit anybody in the face.

It freaks me out.

And I didn't really
know what to do.

Tevin, stay the fuck
away from my listing.

Hey, Carolyn.

Hey, Pete.

Good luck, Peter.

I'm so excited to
see who Peter chose
for his wedding party.

Yeah. Yeah.

Honestly, that has to
be the most random

collection of groomsmen
in the history of weddings.

I'm great. You know,
I just got to...

I'll see you
at the wedding.

I'm gonna get
another mimosa.

Do you want to
finish the one...

(TOM SAWYER RINGTONE PLAYING)

♪ The river ♪

Hello?

Hey. Wow, I didn't expect
to hear from you.

No, I wouldn't
want to impose.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe if I hurry,
I can make the end of it.

Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta find something to wear.

(PLAYING CANON IN D)

Which one of these
men has the ring?

I actually don't
have a best man,

so...

Robbie, I want you to
hold the ring for me.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Okay.

Unless you don't
want to. I mean...

Thanks, Peter.

So sweet.

Hey, I want you boys to know,
you're both my best friends

and Hank Mardukas.

PETER: Hey, Hank.

Awesome tux.

Thanks. It's blue.

Yes, it is.

You look amazing.

Thank you.

Good afternoon.
We are gathered here today

to join Peter Klaven
and Zooey Rice in matrimony.

If anyone can show just cause
why they may not marry...

You son of a bitch!

No, no, Mr. Ferrigno,
I don't wanna object.

I just wanted to make it in time
for the vows. That's all.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Sydney, come up.

No, I'm fine back here.

Please, yes. Yes.

SYDNEY: Are you sure?

I hope you don't mind.

You invited him?

Well, I saw you walking
on the lawn looking all sad,

and I realized I couldn't
let you get married
without your best man.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

Zooey, thanks so much
for inviting me.

Of course. You got
here really fast.

Yeah. You know what,
I was on the Vesp,

so I just did
the old weaveroo.

Dude, you're lying. Your voice
went up when you said that.

(VOICE CRACKING)
His voice got high.

(SNICKERS)

Look, I was on my way
when Zooey called.

Invite or not,
there was no way

I was gonna miss
your wedding,

and I wanted to
give you this.

Man, you don't
have to do this.

You know what?
I know you don't believe me,

but I'm actually a pretty
successful investor, so...

Look, the billboards were my
wedding gift to you guys.

Man, they worked.

Yeah, I figured when I saw
the Ferrigs

that they must have worked.
That's great.

Lou's the best.

I can only imagine.

I put him in
a sleeper hold. Out.

Sydney, I'm really
sorry for all the
stuff that I said.

Pete, you called me
on a lot of my issues.
I appreciate it.

And for the record,
I saw Chocolat.

Just delightful.

It is, right?

I love Chocolat.

I love that movie.

Chocolat? What
the fuck is that?

I have no idea.

It's a beautiful movie.

I'm really glad
you're here, Sydney.

Me, too.

I can't even imagine getting
married without you.

I love you, man.

I love you, too, bud.

I love you, dude.

I love you, Bro Montana.

I love you, holmes.

I love you,
Broseph Goebbels.

Love you, muchacha.

I love you, Tycho Brohe.

Okay. Okay. Right.
Let's continue here.

I so wanna marry you.

You will.

I'm going to.

PRIEST:
Zooey, repeat after me.

I, Zooey Rice.

I, Zooey Rice.

Take you, Peter Klaven.

Take you, Peter Klaven.

To be my lawfully
wedded husband.

To be my lawfully
wedded husband.

(WATERSLIDE PLAYING)

♪ Can we share some vindaloo
Sleeping bags and shampoo

♪ Until all
the planets collide?

♪ You can play the wild card
Bury your bones in my yard

♪ Meet me at the waterslide

♪ Waterslide

♪ Waterslide

♪ Waterslide

♪ Waterslide

♪ Spinning backwards
Riding down

♪ Slide

♪ Waterslide ♪

(PLAYING LIMELIGHT)

♪ Living on a lighted stage
Approaches the unreal

♪ For those who
think and feel

I'm really sorry
about that dumb toast I gave.

It was out of line.
I got really nervous
to meet you and...

I don't know what
happened to me. I'm sorry.

Sydney, it's fine.
Thank you. That's
very sweet of you.

For the record,
I like giving blowjobs.

Well, that's good to hear.

I was looking out for my buddy.

I hear you.

I had to make sure that
he's getting blowies
on a regular basis.

Yeah, I'm not really
comfortable with this
conversation.

Honey.

We're all friends now.

Friends do this.

No, they don't.

♪ All the world's
indeed a stage

(OFF-KEY)
♪ And we are
merely players

You have a nice singing voice.

Thanks.

Are you in a band?

Not yet.

Hailey.

Lonnie.

Hi.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(VOICE CRACKING)
That's awesome!
That's awesome!

Excuse me, Peter.

(ALL CHEERING)

Get my wife
on up here!

You've been Rushified!

You've never
called me an asshole?

No, I've said you
act like an asshole.

So, you get away with it
because it was the act of.

That's your behavior.

Right.

I'm not saying
you're an asshole.

Oh, my God.

Shit. What? Do I have
a fucking sign on me?

No, it's not my fault.

How is it not
your fault?

Because I'm pregnant.

I love you so much.
I love you so much.

Are you still mad?

Try to make it a boy.

♪ The underlying theme ♪

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo!

Thank you.

I'd like to make a quick toast.

No!