Original subtitles

We've got 48 hours to make this

So, work your magic.

SAM: Even when we're preparing

we're always hiding something.

Thanks.

SAM: And no matter what we see...

Erm, perhaps the rear exit,

..rest assured,

My Italian readers

A European princess

Perfect.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, excuse me!

I'm so sorry.

Forgive me.

Gennaro Fazio.

Editor, Certo! magazine.

Juliet Miller.

General Manager.

Forgive me.

What's Certo! again?

This is how you make a deal.

Our royal couple won't pay us

but in return

Which Certo! magazine

So, we're sorted.

Why are you looking like that?

I've just come off the phone

The bride's run off

The wedding's cancelled.

SAM: That's the thing with

Sometimes, the carpet gets moved.

Shit...

What if we went ahead?

Er, I don't think

you know, without a bride,

What if we had a bride,

What do you mean, a bride and groom?

Well, you know, can we get someone

you know, and the fiance?

You mean, fake the wedding?

Erm, Sam,

No punch line.

Just our tax bill came in and it's

Well, then, go to the bank

I tried. I'm mortgaged up to the

Well, you know what happened

And I was really counting

Sam, it's fraud.

It's PR.

And Fazio had never

He just wanted a spread.

And, you know, maybe he wouldn't

Well, what happens

Well, we just...

She's not Princess Sylvie,

she's Princess Marianne,

It's a hell of a risk.

No, no, find some other way

Look, Jules, didn't we agree

I can't do this without you.

First things first. Mandy Warren is

Shark Girl?

Only 16, but an Olympic hopeful.

And she's here filming an ad

Now, I want her kept super happy.

So, everyone,

Spend a lot of money, does she?

We are getting

so, anything she wants, she gets.

So, keep an eye on her, OK?

Now, James,

What's that?

and James has a restaurant trainee

Yes. And no doubt with an ASBO

Well, just do your best.

Now, as you're all aware, tomorrow's

I was looking forward

I had my hair cut and everything.

Hm?

We're going ahead with it anyway.

The wedding.

Due to a small accounting error,

A wedding with no bride or groom?

They just won't be all that real.

We're going to fake it.

It's my fault.

It's a big drop.

But the truth is,

One that gets very big and very

We made a deal with

All we do

for some wedding snaps that

and, er, Bob's your uncle.

We'll make it work.

Celebrities fake relationships

when they're flogging something.

Surely we're not agreeing to this,

The alternative is

sell off part of the hotel.

New management when we just start

No.

Look, I think the idea

but I don't want to lose my job.

So, you're the boss. If you say

Well, in my humble opinion,

What choice do we have?

OK, the wedding is set for tomorrow.

Gino, find some cheap fizz.

Emily,

And, James,

Oh...

We need expensive-looking on the

OK, well, that's it, everybody.

James, what do you really think

Oh, well,

from my day of hell with the

Oh, morning, squire.

You're my trainee?

Lovely little bistro

I bet there's no spam on the menu.

HE STIFLES A LAUGH

Ahem!

Hey, have you seen my parents?

I'm afraid not, madam.

I think the correct form of address

Yeah, whatever. She swims faster

I've eaten so many chocolates today.

Just through here on the left.

OK.

Your shape's good,

Try to keep it smooth, OK?

Then we need to tighten those

Everything satisfactory, madam?

We need some grass juice.

And Mandy needs more towels.

Miss Warren, nice to meet you.

I wanted to say, if there's anything

Maybe a magazine and some DVDs.

That's enough, darling.

Never mind.

I didn't think we'd be planning

We didn't plan anything.

You were in Monaco

Which later turned out to be dead.

Er, we need to sort out a bride

Emily knows some actors,

No.

We need to use people we know.

No, not "us" us.

Us, the team.

Trust me,

You know, I'm surprised

Not as surprised as I am.

Oh, my God! Kenneth, Kenneth...

Oh...!

What next, mon capitaine?

Oh, go and lay tables

Do it sitting down if you must.

Out.

Well, that glue sniffing

How old did you say he was, 16, 17?

Is that my grass?

Your youngster a cow, is she?

Shark Girl herself

Ah, teenagers.

LOUD CRASH

Ah, pensioners.

A European princess and the son of

are getting married

Hm...

A pretend princess

and a pretend wedding, you mean.

Yeah, all right,

You two, such chemistry.

What a team.

Ben, a model of old-world elegance.

Emily, so regal, so graceful.

Like a princess.

You two would make

HE CHUCKLES

Congratulations,

and Mr Henry DeWitt.

Ben, it has to be you.

Look, Ben, just imagine it.

Your bride,

A string quartet

And white roses

And unicorns.

Look, I know you can do it.

We're just going to dress you up,

it'll be over in less than an hour.

SHE GASPS

You're the only person I considered.

Well...

If I'm your first choice.

Fantastic.

You two are going to be great.

I'm getting married!

Fancy a part in the wedding?

Me?

I've never been asked

Well, thank the vicar, tell

Easy.

Hm...

Gino...

I need a favour.

Like you said,

I bought it from a man

It's cheaper than water.

Well, I usually use it for stains,

What's your favour?

I need a father of the bride.

Oh, I'm very flattered

But the father of the bride,

I can't think of anyone suitable.

What, me?

Oh...

Well, I'm very moved. I'm not

You can count on me.

Sam, Emily's just taken a call

He's on his way with a photographer.

Look, I'll sort out

And then we need to prep

and tell everyone with a role to

OK, you get Ben. Meet me

Miss! Miss!

Gorgeous bridesmaid?

Sexy ring bearer?

Well, actually,

so I need you to man the front desk.

And find 100 wedding guests,

OK? Right.

Your glass of green gloop, miss.

Oh!

Mandy, sit down. Raise your foot.

I'm so sorry.

It's fine.

I'll phone the insurance people.

Well, get a first-aid kit!

GERMAN ACCENT: "I am Princess

"And back home, I have five pet pigs

Pugs.

You have five pet pugs.

And can we have

and a little less Nosferatu.

I need a wig.

OK, we'll find you a wig.

I'm Scottish?

TERRIBLE SCOTTISH ACCENT: So,

No.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Just relax.

OK.

That was Tanya.

First-aid kit.

The insurance bloke's

We can't risk an infection.

Dad, this is really silly.

But we can't afford

I know these ads are boring for you,

but they make everything else

This man is going to take you

and you can do some upper-body work,

Fine.

Do you enjoy this kind of thing?

It pays a year's bills.

Training, travel, hotels,

Yeah,

They gave up their jobs to support

And did they used to swim?

Mum can't even swim.

My grandmother used to take me

when I was a kid.

I don't know.

Her and Mum...

..had a row.

It's just through here.

I'm sure you know what's what.

I'll get you some towels.

OK, you're not actually going to be

You're making me look bad.

SHE SCOFFS

I should have brought

Would have made this a lot easier.

Wait...

Just turn it down.

The minus button on the right.

Pull the red key out.

Whoa!

SHE LAUGHS

I'm Jo.

Nice to meet you.

What's going on?

Who's this?

Mum, this is Jo.

Remove her.

Mum...

And trust me,

Nice mum, Mandy.

Horrible girl.

Mandy, 30 minutes on the weights,

and then up to the room

I'm expecting a delivery

I'll come and get it.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Princess Marianne of Liechtenstein

Don't they make a lovely couple?

I thought it was Princess Sylvie

Oh, our PR girl made a mistake

I'll rectify it for you.

I'm not sure I can handle this.

Keep it together, Henry.

Think of our unborn children.

OK, I think we need the money shot.

Huh?

A kiss.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Hm...

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Perfect. Bravo.

Well done. Well done.

Thank you so much.

You make a stunning couple.

Thank you very much.

Can I ask why you chose to marry

Well...

..it's where we first met.

That's a beautiful story.

Three years ago.

We first met here in the hotel

And then we met last year at a party

and that is when

It is a very special place for us.

Herzlichen Gluckwunsch

Er...

Danke schon.

Entschuldigung, bitte.

Naturlich. Bis Morgen.

SHE GASPS

Are you OK?

Whoa...

That kiss...

..wasn't sick-making.

Oh.

Thank you.

One last thing.

will be arriving here tonight

Excuse me?

and he knows the Princely House

I took the liberty of inviting him.

Please, you will show him

Of course, Gennaro.

Until tomorrow.

She say, "Papa, you are

Gino...

What do you know about

Ah!

Well, you need a very good

Very naughty.

Pure filth.

OK, could you, er...?

Come on, James, spit out.

Could you tell me some?

Yes.

HE SIGHS

GINO CLEARS HIS THROAT

There is a priest, a whore

Oh, God...

The donkey, he looked down,

Hey, isn't that

I don't get it.

Oh, my God, Tristram!

There you go, sir.

In those days, there weren't any

or anything like that.

If you wanted a beast knocked out,

Tristram!

How wonderful to see you.

If I could just interject

Of course.

Kenneth, would you come with me,

Thank you. Excuse us.

Why are you talking

When I was a waiter in Tangiers

We're not in Tangiers in '55.

The modern dining experience

Polite. Efficient.

And, above all, unobtrusive.

Oh, just go into the kitchen

Do whatever Chef tells you.

Kenneth...

That way.

I need one limo for ten minutes.

It's a wedding, sort of.

Yeah, he just has to pick them up

Thanks, mate.

Waiter, more oysters.

Oi, nosy.

So, which room

She's the only person

that is not a thousand years old.

It's so boring

Could you do me a favour?

Take these up to the Alexandra Suite

Do I look like you're caring droid?

But if you do, you might meet

Thanks, mate.

Hey.

You are one elusive swimming

Oh, the hotel did give me this junk

Why don't you turn the telly on

What's it like being famous?

I don't know, really.

I kind of expected your room

with little white fluffy puppies

I don't know.

Well, come on,

How much do you get paid for it?

60,000, I think.

Well, it's enough to pay for hotels

Is it?

Isn't it?

It's costing my dad,

for just this week.

Look, I don't know,

Why do you even care?

Now, these are an ad fee right here.

I have totally got to become a

Once you've mastered the treadmill.

SHE SPEAKS RAPIDLY IN ITALIAN

Tanya, you're on count watch.

We cannot have this man

He's an Italian count and he knows

If you see him,

OK.

Tony...

Er, can you give me a minute?

James, where's the Warrens?

Why?

No, Mandy, darling,

Mum...!

I haven't got time

Mum, I don't care!

Mum, we weren't doing anything.

Sorry, actually, it was my fault.

But I told you that

Yes, but I thought that

You know how teenage girls are.

What Mandy needs

so that she can concentrate

Now, both of you, out.

Mum, she is my friend.

Mandy, you've known her

Well, that's all the time I have

We've talked this through

We all have to make sacrifices.

And I thought my mum was a bad-arse.

Yeah, she is a little demanding,

You know Mandy's

Well, the shark equivalent

Sardines.

Oh, my God...

What if they're ripping her off?

I mean,

Those are rich people's shoes.

And trust me, I would know.

Let's not jump to any conclusions,

Look, put it this way,

never have I been so glad

ITALIAN ACCENT: Good evening.

Wedding?

You must be mistaken, sir.

But this is the hotel, er,

That's not us.

Right, well, perhaps I can speak

A good idea.

KENNETH: Get some water!

What has he done now?!

Hold that.

Kenneth!

FIRE ALARM WAILS

Can't you do anything right,

It...

A mistake?!

You are a bloody health hazard!

You shouldn't be at work.

You...

You should be in a home!

Ah! Ah!

If I could fire you...

..I would.

Erm, sir, Signore Fazio

He was mistaken. The wedding's

Oh?

Why did you not say that to me?

Oh, well done. Good lad.

I would offer you

but, unfortunately,

So, I'll have my concierge phone you

Well, please excuse us.

Well, it looks like

Ah, Fazio!

Juliet.

Gennaro.

Ah, when you find a hotel you like,

it seems crazy

And besides,

Well, it's a pleasure

I was hoping to book a room,

Of course. Erm, I'll show Gennaro

Keep him up there.

Perhaps we could have, erm,

Clear.

I see things are progressing

Is there time for a word?

James?

Oh!

Sorry. Fazio's back.

Oh, God! Where?

Juliet's taking care of it.

What did you want?

Oh, I bumped into Helga

and she was sobbing her eyes out.

She'd accidentally set fire to a pan

I thought I'd come and tell you

Oh, no...

Tristram!

Back so soon?

Yes, I just dropped in

Eight o'clock all right?

And I want to talk to you

Tristram, I know.

Oh...

I was rather hoping my wife

I'll make sure Kenneth is here.

So, what can I do for you, Tony?

I'd like to know how much we're

I realise it's confidential, but...

I should have held out

but three and a half's not bad.

So, that makes her fee...

What do you want to know for?

Er, thank you.

It's all right, Kenneth,

Kenneth, I, erm...

I owe you an apology.

I know now the fire

Well, the poor girl was rushed off

That's all.

You just took it when I...

When I shouted at you.

The truth is,

..twilight years and I thought...

I'm 74.

And I don't think

What you don't get, Mr Schofield,

is that you need to pay respect

Because that's

It's not the decor or the menu.

It's not even the food.

And, er...

..I like to refer to my years

Not twilight.

Quite right.

Look, Ken...

..would you take table orders

I would very much appreciate it

Do you know,

Really?

And, Ken...

Just, erm...

Just be yourself.

Well, I always am.

And once we did a photo shoot

And the make-up girl, she was

THE BOTH LAUGH

Well, I don't entirely blame her.

But Brad...

Now, there's a man with charm.

Is there anyone you don't know?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to boast,

Come on, Gennaro,

OK.

Let me show you something.

Is that who I think it is?

Last week.

She's in a hospital bed.

My photographer pretended

God...

I had no idea it was this bad.

Are you going to print these?

Do you think some junkie pop star

She's 19.

Don't worry, Juliet,

Sometimes the very best pictures

That's my favourite thing

When you have someone's future

HE CHUCKLES

SAM: Hiding something is easy.

It can be done in the blink of

But keeping something hidden

Whatever lengths you go to...

..whatever you try...

..somebody somewhere

I can't believe it,

I mean,

Emily...

..you do remember

Do I?

Yeah.

Of course.

The fake wedding of my dreams.

What's your favourite flavour

Rum and raisin.

Really?

OK, whatever.

You're a rum-and-raisin man.

But say you had a tiny taste of a

Pistachio, yuck.

But you tried it.

Do you think that's possible?

I hate pistachio.

Hypothetically.

Well, hypothetically, yeah, sure.

But do you know what I'd do?

Just to make sure.

KNOCK ON DOOR

It's Ben.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

OK.

I...

Oh!

Good luck.

Good luck to you, too.

OK, hubby.

Erm...

..Ben.

You know your hands are on my...?

Why?

I'm sorry.

Er...

Well, break a leg and all that.

See you at the altar.

DOOR CLOSES

BELL DINGS

So, did you find out if fish kid's

Er, strictly speaking,

Oh, come on.

So, did you find out or not?

I don't really think

They're ripping her off,

Oh, my God, I knew it.

She's like a modern-day

We should do something.

Now, Jo, we don't really have

Wait there.

Could you double-check

I don't want anything

But it's not easy,

THE DINERS LAUGH

Ken...

Duty calls.

James, you look very swish.

Thank you.

I'm off to a wedding.

Do you know, Ken, you really have

I was wondering,

Once your trial's over, say...

..two shifts a week.

Well, it's touching, but I can't.

See, I'm on a month's placement

A dry-ski slope.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Yeah, concierge.

Oh, Mrs Warren.

Yeah. OK.

I'm on my way up.

Right!

So, what exactly

Er...

Mr and Mrs Warren, I haven't

I did express a concern.

some sort of a breakdown

Oh, stop trying

Accept some responsibility.

I can only apologise if something

Are you trying to compensate

for being so low down

by interfering

Fine.

I've become aware that Mandy is,

five times more for this advert

What?

Is that true?

Tell me it's not true.

I can't believe

I earn that money.

It isn't like that.

Darling,

But you're only 16.

You've got an awful lot

That's why we take care

No, I've had enough.

I'm not doing this any more.

Any of it!

Let her cool off.

We'd better go downstairs

You'd better pray that

DOOR CLOSES

Mandy...

Don't do anything silly.

Just leave me alone.

Maybe I should stay.

Well, actually,

If I was to get you a limo

do you think

DOOR CLOSES

That doesn't send

GASPS OF DELIGHT

JULIET:

She looks beautiful.

Mwah! Great work.

Everybody,

I wanted to thank you all

Oh, it's OK.

Let's get wed.

Sorry, I had a lot of stuff

Yes, positions.

Ready, Princess Marianne?

I think this is the happiest day

Ah, Signorina Miller,

it seems you got

My friend Fazio confirmed that

Er, yes.

Juliet, it's so unlike you

Is this the young principessa?

Well, erm...

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Oh...

My dear girl.

You haven't changed a bit.

Still the same five-year-old girl I

Ah, ja!

And, you...

I don't remember you.

Er, this is, erm...

Sir Gino Primo-Roller.

Oh, it is a great privilege

Ah, you must be the chap

THEY LAUGH

Benissimo!

And have a wonderful time,

Take your seat.

Your Highness, you look beautiful.

Here we go.

TRUMPET FANFARE

HE EXHALES

What are you doing,

I really need to ask for a pay rise.

Please, be seated, one and all.

Beloved...

..we have come together here today

of this man and this woman.

It is appointed

which can be stable and happy

is honoured and upheld.

Marianne and Henry...

..you seek to be joined

STATIC FROM WALKIE-TALKIE.

..or any other person here

why you may not lawfully

And if so, to declare it now.

What is going on?

Signore Fazio,

What is this?

SHE GASPS

Who are you?

Erm...

I'm, erm...

She's not a princess.

These people are not Eurotrash.

They're just trash!

This whole thing is a fake.

Come on, Marco.

No. I have my story.

Not the one I thought I was getting,

"Five-star hotel defrauds magazine."

Signore Fazio, we made a mistake.

Juliet, I'm not interested

I want an offer or I go to press.

What sort of offer?

How much is it worth to you

Give me some time,

I'll give you five minutes.

Mandy, wait!

Nan?

Let's go inside.

Thanks, Jo.

What the hell are you wearing?

Thank you, Jo, you did really well.

At least I'm good for something.

I can't let him print the story.

With what?

Sam, last night

Someone famous in hospital

He admitted he told his photographer

And...?

He told me photos can be worth more

He's blackmailing the person

forcing her to pay him

That's what he's trying to do to us,

Where are the photos?

OK. I'll get the others.

You sort Fazio in your office.

Bat your eyelashes.

I won't be long.

Right, we're looking for

Right, where are you...?

He won't be long. He's just seeing

I can't apologise enough,

You see, the real wedding

I'm not interested in apologies

I know, I'm...

I'm just so sorry.

Especially on a personal level.

I'm not so sure

I've enjoyed your company very much,

..today's events

And in different circumstances...

Has anybody found anything?

James?

Nothing.

I knew it,

when we bumped into each other.

Am I that transparent?

But I can see you more clearly now.

And what do you see?

..with a mutual desire.

I can pull up the floorboards.

I think you need a drink, boss.

What other choice do we have?

Is the door locked?

Because I know

Sam!

And it cannot wait, Juliet.

This is another game?

Huh?

In another place, in another time,

What is going on?

Tell me, you sneaky little bitch!

You sneaky little bitch,

Get off!

Get off her!

I'm OK.

By the time I've finished with you,

Now, then, Signore Fazio,

Where did you get those?

Did you have permission

Permission?

Give me those back

Go ahead. We can tell them how

to illegally take photos

HE SCOFFS

I won't print the wedding story.

You have my word.

Now, give me the photos back.

No, I think that we'll hang on

You know,

You...

I think the phrase

"You haven't heard

Or something similar.

Are you OK?

They have to be a lot scarier

I'm sorry I was so long.

It's OK. It's OK.

Mum...

What are you doing here?

..I know everything.

About the money.

The lies.

You interfering old bag.

You always think that you know best.

Alexis, this is about Amanda.

You've always treated her

Oh, please...

I only wish I'd acted before

I don't even know

We decide

Not any more.

We've spoken to the lawyers

SHE SCOFFS

It just means she takes control

Amanda's going to come and stay

Then we'll all sit down and talk.

Darling...

..try and understand.

We were trying...

No, we were...

Yes, we did.

We did.

And we're sorry.

Amanda...

I'll be in touch.

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

Hey...

So, did you divorce the bastards?

I'll go and collect your bag.

Not really, but it's cool.

Listen, you know you're not allowed

Oh, God, please don't remind me.

I thought I might have one

No way!

I'm going to throw you the party

I'll see you later. Bye.

Thanks for everything.

I'll come back, show you my medal.

I look forward to seeing that.

Bye.

Now, have you got everything?

Thanks, guv.

No, Ken, thank you.

And if you reconsider, let me know.

All the best, then.

You know, I must say, you've, erm...

You've obviously had quite a life.

Those stories of yours

Oh, I make them all up, guv.

Yeah, I fixed trams for 51 years.

I never got out of the country.

It was all a bit dull,

See you, then.

Yeah, see you.

Oh, I see.

Well, I thought we'd celebrate

Go on, then, Tony, you can say it,

Well, why would I want to?

Anyway, it's not about me.

All right, then, I told you so.

THEY BOTH CHUCKLE

Ben...

Ben, are you OK?

It's just that you've been a bit...

..well, massively weird

OK.

It's just that...

You know when me and you...?

Who...

..is that?

Er, Tanya's cousin, I think.

Fantastic!

What?

I think I've just realised

Hey, everybody.

Ah, Gino, James, when are we

Yeah!

What?

Oh!

Er...

Ahem!

It all start when me and my wife...

I was joking.

SAM: Hidden truths

So, any ideas

200-odd grand for this tax bill?

That's not funny.

Emily's taken two bookings.

The word's got out.

People want a taste of Babylon's

Huh!

Do you remember our wedding night?

No, not that bit, earlier,

when you did the Running Man

I think there's a video of it

That's your set of prints

SAM: But whatever you're trying

remember,

Hey, what is this?

To Henry and Marianne!

SHE GAGS