Original subtitles

SAM: 'Spring - a time when people

'and get down on their hands and

'cleaning.

'From our 1,000-thread-count sheets

'everything receives

You need to do the whole corridor.

Oh!

'Nothing is overlooked.

'We all strive for perfection.'

No, no.

Ben, leave it.

'But sometimes we need to bring in

Thanks for fitting us in.

Shall we take a seat?

I need it delivered today....

Yes?

There's no way I can

Oh, God,

Sorry.

Who's that woman with Sam?

Hmm.

Right, since records began,

this weekend has been notorious

Ah, yes. The dead weekend,

So I've just done a deal

to hold its annual convention here.

We're a bit short-staffed this week,

Sam, did you hear that?

in a single phone call.

Could you tell the corners

Sorry, Jules, but as it

I chose this weekend

Team-building?

There's a motivational expert

to help us brush up on our

Work out our personality types,

Think of it as a bit of

You never mentioned this to me.

What was that

So if we do bad at this

There have been

I just want to confirm

How is this going to work

now that we're hosting an entire

Well, we'll make it work.

So, what group is it?

You never said what group

Oh, the Captain Stranger

Oh, no, not geeks.

I was stuck on a coach all the way

with the Spanish Star Trek fan club.

They sing songs in Klingon

I still have the nightmares.

Well, geeks or not,

it's your job to make them

Sam, you should have

so I could have

Don't worry, Jules,

What?! I have to do it too?

Juliet, I've just heard I have

Are you not happy

No, Ben, you have

as acting head receptionist.

I'm sure you'll breeze through it.

Well, I say, "Bring it on."

Well, if it's a test,

No, it's not that sort of a test.

It's where we drive go-go-karts

No, it's gonna be three hours

from some fat, sweaty bloke

Everybody, this is Meredith Sutton,

and she's gonna be working

Hello.

When do we start shooting

We don't.

What about the go-go-karts?

Now, I know that some of you may be

but all I ask is that you

PHONE RINGS

Thanks.

We'll have two game

followed by

a real-time practical session

and see if I've done my job

The goal is to flip over

without anyone touching the ground.

Gino, hands off!

Now, the side you're on is

The other side

You can't make the transition

This is the most pointless

I have ever done for Sam,

Count yourself lucky you don't

PHONE RINGS

OK, hands all over me.

CHEERING

I can't believe we did so well.

I thought there was no

Oh, yeah. No, I definitely won.

The point was to show we

But don't we always?

Exactly. A complete

Well, that minky Meredith

It's actually better than

Unless those people are James.

Oh, very funny.

I wonder what she has

Well, after this morning,

Except that.

Battle stations, everyone.

Juliet Miller?

Ferris Carlisle.

The Captain Stranger

Ahoy!

You received my itinerary?

Sublime. Ahoy!

Ahoy.

Sir.

Sir!

What?

Late night, was it? Do you need me

No, no. I can manage.

I've got a key card somewhere.

Um, must have dropped it.

You're not really a guest

Yeah, fine. I'll just... pack my

Hang on a minute.

I would have expected better

Your voice.

Yes, you did.

You hosted that kids' news

Yeah, that's it. You're Michael...

Martin.

Armstrong.

Oh, my God,

especially those panda stories

Yeah, you can't beat a good panda.

So, what are you doing

Well, it beats a shop doorway.

I haven't worked in six years.

I mean, you can't just stay here.

I've been doing it for weeks.

Morning.

The nicer the hotel, the less likely

Someone must have said something.

They always think

Oh... thank you.

It was working really well.

I never stayed long enough

Well, thank you

And as I used to say on the show,

Oh...

Can I take your bags for you?

The convention's never

We hope you enjoy it here so much

If you need anything else,

You'll find me

Thanks. Um... I'm meant

That's purely at your

Er... £20 about right?

Yes, that's very generous.

Come on, hurry.

One of the geeks cancelled -

a Time Lord convention

So... get yourself

and I'll come for you

Thanks, Bill.

And it's fine.

You're my childhood hero. Come on.

So, how were they? Suitably teamy?

The teamiest. No, I'm impressed.

But, um... did I say

Oh, she's just a little frustrated

Sure she doesn't just think

and resents me teaching her

I'll win her round.

Worked together long?

But then there was the

What? You're...?

Oh. Wow!

Oh! Sorry. Not interrupting, am I?

Meredith and I were

Do you want to join us?

All I can ask is, bear with it.

Well, you don't feel

Not at all. I felt tremendously

Well, maybe we can have a coffee

Mmm, maybe.

I'll be out in a minute.

Yes?

She has a degree from Cambridge

I don't care if she built Hubble,

How do you think I grew my business?

I learnt. I got in people

Fine. I will do the course.

And, yes, I will take it

Very nice.

OK, you have just three minutes

a tower, a bridge or a house.

Building with blocks.

The catch is, only Juliet

This is a test

All right, then.

And go.

I'm feeling very ambitious, and

Right.

Er... er...

OK. Yeah, yeah, nice one.

Yeah. And some sort of...

Like a squiggly bit, Gino.

Interlock it

I always wanted

Hang on. Hang on.

How difficult can it be?

Juliet's in charge!

One minute remaining.

Sorry, sorry, OK, OK.

The green piece goes with

Time's up.

Oh!

Right, well, obviously

I am available for extensions,

OK, everyone, back to work.

Have you got a minute?

You promised me

I did.

You paid it lip-service.

I know you.

If you wanted, you'd have passed.

All I wanted was half an hour

Think how it makes you look.

To me, to Meredith, but more

Meredith? You think I care

Well, you should.

You're supposed to be

Right now, you couldn't lead

Because I failed her little game?

Sam, I've got a lot on this

I make one slip-up

Oh, stop being so defensive.

No, I am defensive because

And if anything, I have

Yes, you have.

But, please, there's one more task

Just... take it seriously, OK?

Who is this Meredith, anyway?

Oh, I told you, she's one of

And has she facilitated your

I know you're not happy,

'CANTINA BAND' FROM STAR WARS PLAYS

So, what's a nice human like you

To be honest,

I've never been to a hotel

Oh, well, to mark the occasion,

Oh, specials.

Alaksian Fireball,

Hordovean Mantasater,

Yeah, I googled Captain Stranger.

What are they really?

That's red wine,

SHE LAUGHS

Thank you.

I'm Mary.

Oh, you have a pretty name too.

I have a joke for your laugh.

There's an alien. He walk into a bar

and he starts poking him

The drunk see that the alien

and the drunk say, "Hey, you got

And the alien just smile... and

LAUGHTER

Comic shop.

This is Shaftesbury Avenue.

If you go down to there, you'll

And if you go into High Holborn,

you'll find a model shop there,

Oh, that's excellent.

You can have that.

Um...

Thank you, sir.

That's when the ox went for him.

And to this day, nobody has tried

No, that can't be true.

I suppose now you think Gino

Of course not.

No?

I'm glad, because I want

on such a beautiful lady.

I've enjoyed talking to you.

I need to get to bed.

You must be tired and...

Well, I was hoping that maybe

Gino?

You're in there, son.

Er, Mary, can I ask you,

Because he stole the clouds out of

It's stars, not clouds.

What are you up to?

You don't do pampering.

Don't tell me you've got a date.

No, I'm not. But come on, tell me.

Jimbo, Gino never kiss and tell,

Oh, jeez.

Gino, is there a cologne

Just pampering myself, you know.

Gino...

Here you are - for your pampering.

I hope she likes it.

I didn't see you.

So this is the busiest slow weekend

Are we at capacity?

Almost. I'm bloody knackered, and

I know you think it's nonsense,

but most of us are entering

Is that a dig?

And to be frank, so do I.

People are worried what will happen

And to do well,

FLAMENCO MUSIC

Gino!

What are you doing up here?

One of the guests

and I just wanted to check that

Mm-hm. With a rose?

Yeah, well, he's a very good guest.

OK.

Hi.

Hi, Tanya.

SHE SHRIEKS

So you find a tramp

and instead of chucking him out,

He was only doing it

Easier with someone else's money.

Hang on.

Um... er... describe

Um... OK.

Well, there's a desk over there,

and a lovely flower

Now say, "Back to the story of Flo,

Back to the story of Flo,

Oh, my God!

I used to watch you

You used to talk about the...

The pandas! The pandas.

Oh, God, there was this story

who looked after the little, um...

Oh, Frisky. Yeah, Frisky the puppy.

Oh, Frisky.

Juliet, I'm sorry. I'm gonna pay

No, no, no, no. Ben, it's fine.

It's fine. I think Martin may be

'Thank you for calling

'Unfortunately, all our operators

It sounds, er... It sounds OK.

Yeah. That's just it.

I look in the mirror and I see a man

But that... that's still me.

Hey, you never know, this could be

Now, will Mr Armstrong be taking

in the restaurant tomorrow?

Yeah, yeah, that'll make

You're lucky. You've got a strong

Is that good?

It makes for a bonded,

Mmm.

For example, Ben's a performer,

Tony's a counsellor.

Juliet's...

Well, she's actually

Juliet's good.

But, um... are you sure you're

Well, I've never really

Wait until you see the results

Where are you going?

Hurry back.

Primarola,

What, me? Yeah, you, you, hey?

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Oh!

My God!

Gino.

I... want to...

I... is... is this your room?

Because I...

What, those?

They're Captain Stranger

Yeah, for your nephew?

Your son?

Oh.

This is the third-best collection

That's why I'm here...

Look, don't you think

Yeah.

Yeah, I... just think...

Uh... I think that, er...

I have to... I have to, er...

go to the, er... you know,

To a... thing.

No, I don't believe it.

She's staying in a block of rooms

reserved for Captain Stranger

LAUGHTER

Morning.

Ahoy!

Oh, I see. Gino's love life is

Affirmative, Captain.

For your information, I didn't know

And gorgeous though she is, I do not

Why? Because she's a sci-fi nerd?

You've never had a Romulan

for three hours, hey?

Now, I want to be alone.

See you later for

Gino... Gino.

Don't be a stranger.

I couldn't resist!

Sam, this came for you.

Sam, I need you to authorise this.

I was out of line yesterday.

And I'm sorry I didn't

But I do maintain that in the real

Well, maybe I'm not

Not with our history and everything.

What's that supposed to mean?

Meredith's an impartial

She really has poisoned you with

I don't want to hear it, Juliet.

Do something right, please.

Well, can't you just beam

Oh, it's only organic matter.

Well, in that case,

Excuse me.

I'm Gail Wallis Strong.

I was the show's leading lady.

How can I help you?

I need you to keep this

I'll need it later

Oh, yes, it's real gold.

It was a gift

I always use it

I'll give it to our general manager.

Can I get you to sign something?

It's a receipt so that you can

Thank you.

Gino. I've been looking all over

To be honest, Mary, I'm not supposed

Oh, forbidden love.

Oh, Gino, this is Rhodri.

Rhodri, Gino.

You're right, Mary, he looks exactly

What?

We're just off to a panel meet

Do you wanna join us?

I think I've got

OK.

Maybe I'll see you later, then?

I think maybe I got a lot of things

Oh.

I see.

OK.

Bye, Gino.

Gino, who's that?

That's the geek.

Oh, the geek?

She's beautiful.

So? She's stunning. Is she nice?

She has all the little

She has all the little guns.

Er... if I tell you a secret,

Yeah, you promise?

I'm a morris dancer.

I like morris dancing.

I could lie and say that my

but the truth is,

I never knew.

Have you ever wondered

Come to think of it, no.

If you did wonder, you would find me

as if my life depended upon it.

What about the outfit?

That's my favourite part.

Martin, have you heard of a man

Lawrence Kane,

Yes. Well,

He mentioned that he was setting up

I was thinking of giving him a ring

I'm not sure I'm ready for

We'll freshen you up. We'll get

OK, so what do we tell Sam?

FILM: '..with all their might.

'even with all the Yagarian

Mary.

Sorry.

I want to talk.

Oh, is that Captain

It's the Yagarian shuttle craft.

Do you wanna watch?

Do you wanna... sit here?

'Captain Stranger, is that you?'

'Ahoy.'

'I have a plan, Nancy.'

Turn around.

And Sam was OK about

Sure. Payment for becoming

Well... good luck, Martin.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh, Juliet, sorry,

Gail Wallis Strong's gold pen.

She wants you to keep it safe. Oh!

Juliet...

He'll remember everything,

He'll remember you're good.

Yeah, yeah.

And this is the right

And I shall meet you back here

Gino?

Gino. Did you like it?

I know this wasn't the best episode

You didn't like it, did you?

Really?

Oh, Gino.

Hey, what's going on?

They're about to show

Yeah, well, maybe I can

Ahoy.

'Captain, are we backing out yet?'

Where's Gino?

He's probably helping a guest.

Inspecting her forward thrusters,

Here I am. Sorry, everybody.

Right, this is the culmination of

A crisis is the ultimate test

So, today, you'll be

Oh!

We've closed the top floor

And these assignment cards

Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting.

I've got to do this bit American.

Do I get an assignment card?

Um, doesn't anyone else

Surely I could.

Juliet's the general manager.

The rest of you report

OK, let's do it.

Shall we?

'Doors opening.'

I love this new lift voice.

'Doors closing.'

Thanks.

The exercise is a fire simulation.

You have six minutes

Good luck, Jules.

'Ninth floor. Doors opening.'

'Juliet, this is Tanya.'

'One of the cleaners has reported

'on the top floor.'

OK, I'm on my way.

Juliet, you cannot take an active

Now, the fire engines

Right. Ben. Ben, where are you?

'I'm right here. Copy that.

FEEDBACK SHRIEKS

Oh...

Hi, Juliet.

OK, everybody, check the rooms,

bring them to the north

20 seconds gone.

Gino, James, get a move on. Use

Hey, wait a minute.

Come on. He has to have a key card.

That's strange.

Never mind. Just take mine.

Two minutes and ten seconds gone.

So there's another one in 904?

We're moving them too slowly.

This corridor

OK, James,

The fire has now spread

What do we do?

Remember, Juliet -

We move to the south staircase.

I'm sorry. This woman

If I move here any more,

OK, just, um...

Emily, Tanya, tend to the injured.

and I will think of something.

Um... recovery position.

Five minutes.

Did you get them all out?

According to the card,

Gino's trapped in one of the rooms.

Are you sure you want to leave

I said leave him.

Look, we can't risk

But I don't want to die.

Just take those people,

and keep them by the window.

Oh, oh, oh.

I was supposed to die of smoke

Oh, Ben. Oh, God, I never really

Get these people and keep

Where's James?

But you were the last person to

'Apparently I'm on fire in 903.'

No, just keep moving these bloody

And that's time.

Come on back, everybody.

Six minutes have passed,

and the building hasn't been

I'm very sorry, Juliet.

You did your best.

Let's go have a cup of tea

Something stronger, perhaps.

Come on, Ben.

So...

..this is death.

No-one tried to save me.

None of you are invited

Hi, everyone.

That test was tough.

Well, I was the only one

Listen, Ben,

He was supposed to be at my office

Oh. Maybe the interview

Oh, you.

I gave that little blonde person...

I gave her a very valuable pen

I'd like it back now, please.

Well, immediately.

They expect me to use that pen.

Have it sent to my room.

I understand. Thanks.

Kane's unreachable.

And his assistant's

Emily, that Strange Captain

Captain Stranger. Sorry.

but I checked the safe

Oh, Emily gave me the pen

It should still be on my desk.

Sam, could I have a word in private?

Here is fine.

OK.

Um... the guest I was with

He's an ex-TV presenter.

Yes. Well, he's homeless, and,

Helping him out how?

Well, he recorded the new voices

I arranged a job interview for him,

bought him a new suit -

With what?

With... some of the hotel money.

How much?

A thousand.

Right, so you take in a tramp, buy

and he repays you by

No, we don't even know

Well, of course he's taken the pen.

When are you gonna stop

At least when I'm taken in

I am trying to help them,

out of them, like you.

Nothing to do with it.

Once! I screwed up once.

The amount of times

And I never wanted your help.

I never asked you to interfere!

Meredith is right.

This is never gonna happen between

Well, let me clear up

I resign.

Fine.

Right.

Effective immediately.

So much for team-building.

I haven't done anything wrong.

All I wanted to do was just come in

Gino.

Gail came back to her room

was waiting for her.

I only wanted to talk to her.

I've seen this sort of thing before.

Well, how did you get in the room?

Mary, how did you get in the room?

I borrowed this.

I didn't think you'd mind,

Give me back the card.

It's no big deal.

It just went too far. I wanted

Maybe take a lock of her hair.

She's my hero, Gino.

Why didn't you ask me?

I was worried you'd say no.

Go and get your things from

What?!

Look, I really, really like you.

I didn't mean for this.

You used me. Sorry, Mary.

I'm sorry too, Gino.

Gino.

Ahoy.

I'm sorry about that.

There you are.

the course completion certificates

Um... no, you can do it.

I'm really sorry it worked out

but don't beat yourself up about it.

It's just so frustrating.

No offence, but part of me

Sam, sometimes what I do

Yeah.

I just don't know

You need to make a fresh start.

Look, if you're really in a bind,

Sorry?

I told you I studied hotel

What? You wanna do Juliet's job?

Just until you find someone else.

I spent over the half the year

I'd love to stay

Am I being too pushy?

I probably am.

Final task.

It says here the roof collapses

You gave Juliet six.

Well, technically, yes,

I altered the parameters

Juliet's character

You sabotaged her.

I was just trying to help

Think of her in the other tasks.

I was just doing

I think you should go.

But, Sam, it was...

Is this a bad time?

I'm Martin Armstrong.

Only I need to tell her my good

Mr Mason.

Good weekend?

This is the highlight of my year.

You're a librarian?

You ARE a librarian.

But the time I get with

is worth all the scrimping

Um... thanks again

Oh, no...

I'm sorry, Mr Mason,

I've just realised that

Oh, really?

and I neglected to tell you,

Oh, great.

Excuse me.

Miss Wallis Strong, I once again do

Yes, most unfortunate.

I would've complained

you haven't got one now.

All of these people

Does that not get to you

I enjoy it.

When I do these events for a few

Come along, Ferris.

Could I have your autograph?

I don't think so.

Boss.

You shouldn't have let her go.

I know, I know. I'm an idiot.

Brother Tony.

Shh. Don't want the others to hear.

I couldn't believe it

Gino told you what?

You know, the...

Are you all right?

I had no idea you did it too.

Maybe this year we can

I've never been morris dancing,

I only told Gino that

Yes, me too.

So, do you wear those little sashes?

They're called baldrics.

So you still come here

And you always said I was the one

I live round the corner.

I'm sorry, Jules.

I was wrong about Meredith,

He came back?

He took the pen

Well, at least somebody's career

Meredith fixed the final task.

You actually did pretty well.

Turns out she was after your job.

What a bitch.

Remember when we used to dream

You wanted your bed by the window

We never even set foot inside it.

Actually, I did.

Mm-hm.

After the divorce.

Had a viewing.

But it felt weird without you.

Come back.

Come back to the hotel.

I don't think so.

I need you.

Hi.

Thank you all for staying late.

As you know, we've had some

and Juliet's resignation

I want to put that behind us

And with that in mind, I'd like to

If you could come in, please.

CHEERING

I can't believe you made me do that!

Welcome back, Juliet.

I just presented her with the facts.

When that didn't work, he grovelled.

Well, we like to hold on

Absolutely.

SAM: 'Spring-cleaning

'And sometimes you need

'just to realise that all along,

'was pretty close to perfect.'

You're looking pleased

I've got the right people

I could've saved you some money

Or given it to me.

Where is Gino?

I saw him go into the staff office.

Carry on.

ALL: To Juliet.

Not joining us, Gino?

Tonight, Gino enjoy

Really? OK.

Well, watching this show

Forget about the bad.

Hmm.

Well, enjoy.

Sorry it didn't work out

Me too.

Me too.

Go, Captain, go!

Ahoy!