Original subtitles

'A week ago I was in charge

'living the dream.

'Now I'm waiting to find out

'The one asset I know I still own

'But what do I know about hotels,

'I've stayed in plenty,

'running a hotel

'I've been handling people

'I know how to make them happy.'

When the owner

he failed to appreciate

Or the lateness of the hour.

Morning. Did you get the tickets?

Thank you, thank you.

'No-one could say that Sam Franklin

Sam.

I'll be right back down.

'As owner, your job's simple -

'make sure everyone feels

Sam, I need you to sign off

on improving the profile

Now's not a good time... Michael.

I tidy your room special,

Yes, just give me a sec, Tanya.

Yep.

Give it to me straight.

What have I got left?

Hotel Babylon

I'll call you later.

'And if life

'your job is to pick yourself up,

SHOWER RUNS

'You roll with the punches

I running late

For what? Your coming-out ball?

This my first meeting

I make effort.

Head of housekeeping?

Wow! Queen of the cleaners (!)

Hi. Well, you'll be pleased to know

you missed my "happy to be

but the key points were that I

and I love a good party. Me too!

On the off-chance that you may tire

of another ten-minute monologue

I'd like to open it to the floor.

So, what have we got this weekend?

we have Ed and Erin Martyn

Oh, great (!)

How could we forget,

Well, I would suggest

and TV celebrities

What good have they ever

They've changed the way

that civilians live their lives,

Absolutely. Bringing back

home cooking and family meals.

SHE GASPS

They set themselves up

and make everyone else

We've also got the European

Fernando Gomez. Now you talking

I thought he just rearranged faces.

Yeah, he going to rearrange your

that's for sure. Spain going

Boxing in gloves is for women.

Real men fight with bare fists

I think that two men thumping each

is just repulsive.

Well, you don't need

There's not going to be

Just a quick bang, bang from Gomez,

Morning.

Sorry, this is a staff meeting.

Yeah.

And you're here because...?

My first contribution

Leading up to the 2012 Olympics,

they're seeing how eco-friendly

checking their carbon footprints,

Well, we already have

Well, I for one always recycle

Another small country saved (!)

It's called the Green Pillow Scheme

and I've arranged

to do an on-site inspection today.

Well... as Emily says,

He or she will just turn up,

tick the relevant boxes,

Anyone fancy taking it on?

It's all media hype,

I think it's a key issue, actually.

Passion. That's what I like to hear.

Inspector will turn up

OK, that's it.

I need to book four rooms for

Superior rooms.

We're fully booked.

Twist, move and rearrange.

Bring two guests up

two from the sixth to the fourth.

Then that frees up rooms

So move one person from

one down from the sixth

Then that frees up rooms on

Fill them with people

and you've got four superior

What she said. The guest's name's

Put it back, Tyler.

GASPS

No. THEY are.

Mr and Mrs Martyn, I'm Juliet

How do you do?

We're delighted to have you.

We're delighted to be here.

Well, if you'd like to take a seat,

we'll bring you over a complimentary

Actually, I'd love to see

You want to stay here and get a

Aw! 12 years of marriage

and she still can't get enough of

We have your payment details,

Annie, do you want to take Tyler

Can I just say what a massive fan

about the mind-blowing

it was mind-blowing.

The... herd of cows,

Yeah. So when are you due?

Ed loved it when I was pregnant.

Well, there's nothing more amazing

Yeah, you should try it

If he could've had Tyler himself,

I hope your fella's

Yeah... er... he is.

Mr and Mrs Martyn, shall we...?

Great.

Feel like I've just met royalty.

Come on. Who's the

No frontrunners, but about 700...

Cover it.

Maybe I should just ask

What's up?

She's had her first brush with

They made you feel rubbish?

asked her about the dad,

Welcome to parenthood.

and you feel nauseous.

Talking of parenthood, none of you

Can we see?

Look, you can see

OK, now, looks like it's got James's

What about the chin?

You remember the guy

He works with whatshisname.

I thought that you'd stopped

Well, we did.

We had.

I thought you were genuinely

but you're not, you

From now on,

Anna, it's just a bit of fun.

Oh, come on, Anna,

Is the father tall?

Is he Black?

Put us out of our misery.

OK, fine. You really want to

You really, really want me

You want me to come out

Yes! Yes!

OK, fine! It's him! All right?!

Which means I win the money!

So I take it darkness and alcohol

played their part in your coupling

Why?

Is he not good-looking?

but ordinary looks

measures somewhere between

on your scale.

You have rooms. Yes?

Fernando. Usted es verdadero

Usted es el corazon y alma de

Come on! What you doing? Hey!

I your biggest fan!

Mr Gomez. I'm Juliet Miller,

Welcome to Hotel Babylon.

I'm so sorry about the fan, and I

but he is actually our bar manager,

Rafael! Si.

Es barman aqui.

OK?

PHONE RINGS

Hello, reception.

'Another one's gone.'

'She's gone.'

So have you had au pairs

Loads of times.

I know looking after someone else's

but it's hardly rocket science,

"What do you want for breakfast,

"Want to go to the park?

It's easy.

THEY LAUGH

What's been happening?

What?

and I saw her walking out

Oh, no!

Er, well, we'll just have to keep

What? While we pull

While we talk to scriptwriters

We'll sort something.

We've got all our friends

Darling, relax.

We won't have to cancel.

Well, I could ask a member of staff

give you time to sort

So do you have, like,

No, but...

Me?

You've forged a relationship

No. No, not really.

And it would be much less taxing

than standing up

I can lean.

Oh, God.

Yeah, Tyler. Do you want a bossy,

Why not?

Great. That's sorted, then.

Now, this risotto.

I think we should have fish.

Tough life, being an owner.

about the Neanderthal lookalike

That's no Neanderthal.

That's Don "Pitbull" Morrison

Call security. I want

Oh, shut up! This man

He couldn't run a bloody bath,

BOTH LAUGH

You don't call. You don't text.

Good to see you, Sammy. Listen,

Oh, what are mates for?

Anyway, so last I heard, you

Arkansas, digging for copper.

Didn't find any,

Boxing?

This is my latest charge,

European heavyweight champion.

What are you looking at? Just you...

Are you Spanish?

I hate the Spanish.

Why don't you just shake hands

Ow! I didn't know the Spanish

Call off the fight, Carlton... not.

HE CHUCKLES

Can I have a word, please, sir? Mmm.

and you need to sort something out

Um...

Who booked him in?

You arrived late to the morning

that we also have Fernando Gomez

Fernando who?

Not really.

Fernando Gomez

in the big fight this weekend.

We've got both boxers staying here?

Sam, you're not getting it.

They can't both be here.

Jules? Jules, hello!

Carlton, what are you doing here?

It was Carlton who phoned me for the

If you're staying here, we should

talk about old times.

I work here, actually.

You work... with Sam?

No... Oh, no!

No offence, but the best thing

was get away from each other.

Yeah, and it's going pretty well.

Well, I just hope I'm not around

Funny you should mention

Why don't you get yourself

and we'll have

Carlton and Morrison

Because at this stage with a fight,

boxers are programmed to kill their

If either finds out the other's

He has to go.

I owe him.

When we split up, I was in a mess.

So he broke out

and now you're honour-bound

Why do you dislike him so much?

It might be

every one of your past conquests

or the fact that your golf weekends

I can't throw him out.

I thought we agreed

OK.

Cards on the table?

I spoke to Michael this morning.

Everything else has gone.

Which means I'm staying put.

But together, we can make

make some serious money.

What do you say?

This is not what we agreed to, Sam.

The answer I'm looking for is "yes".

And the answer you're getting

I can work with "maybe".

You're being issued with timetables

You all know the score.

These two groups must never meet.

Muchas gracias, senor.

De nada.

Tony!

Si.

Hey, hey. Kill him if you have to!

Do it for Spain.

It's OK. Go.

GASPING

AT SAME TIME: Mr Gomez?

There's a message

Time to go.

SQUEALS

Right, do something.

If I could break with protocol

ask you to sign this napkin for me?

I didn't take you for a fight fan.

If you could write,

Or just "from" would be fine.

You don't have a bicycle stand?

This is a five-star hotel.

So couriers go round the back.

Don't tempt me, mate.

At the risk of stating

I am Robert Carrick, environmental

I believe I'm expected.

Congratulations.

Mr Carrick,

I'm Emily James, head of PR. We are

I did ask for somewhere

Oh, that's easy. Tony, bike.

Now, before I forget,

It's just a straightforward

Oh! I don't know.

No, it's routine.

It might conflict with the

SHE WEEPS

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Just when I thought

Darling, what...

I couldn't think of putting him

I could do it without the agreement.

Just call that manager woman

Darling...

Darling, please stop it.

ERIN SOBS BITTERLY

Thanks.

OK, er, why don't I get you a DVD

and you can watch telly

Television rots the brain.

No, it doesn't,

You're not as clever

Maybe you're not as stupid as you

How much do pirates pay

A buck an ear!

OK, come on,

Gino feel nothing, eh?

I wasn't ready.

INDISTINCT

Come here.

What am I supposed to do?

Oh, educate yourself.

Hello. I'm Anna.

I know. Darren.

Was James OK?

I just saw him talking to you.

He's in a bad mood about the boxers.

They want protein drinks,

He never likes it

Right. OK. Listen,

have been a little bit weird

That's because of me.

Um, it's... it's a funny story,

but they were pestering me

who the father of my baby is,

SHE LAUGHS

which is just ridiculous, I know,

..with you!

That would... Urgh, no!

just say that, yes,

OK.

I don't know any.

Oh, you! Ooh, you're strong.

SHE GIGGLES

Ohhh.

Go. Now go.

Oooh, bye! Love you!

What do we have in here?

Er, Anna,

That was pretty... pretty tactless.

Yeah, yeah, it was.

But you're OK?

Yeah, I'm OK.

You know, I...

how you, of all people,

Yes. Yes, yes.

I do, too, sometimes.

Hmm.

So obviously he's the one.

Yeah. Yeah. I thought he was.

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

Well, Darren's a nice guy.

Yes, Darren.

Yes. Ooh, he's lovely. Ooh!

Aw!

Did she say anything?

Well, she didn't say that he's not.

The refrigeration system could do

I've already booked an engineer

to have a look at all the machinery.

Yes, well, the ventilation's

the insulation is patchy

You see, we take green issues

and I am determined

as and when

Shall we?

Hmm. Looks like somebody's

Hmm?

You did make sure

before you sat down, didn't you?

Oh!

Have you seen a small boy with big

What the bloody hell

Oh, God!

And you shouldn't swear.

I was worried sick.

What would your parents say

So it's my parents

Yes, of course. They're famous.

You're rubbish with kids, aren't

That's because adults ARE rubbish.

Yeah, well, everyone is.

I suppose you'll want this back.

ED: I'm not gonna agree, Erin!

ERIN: I'm his mother!

What's going on?

The divorce?!

What? Like you did

You are such a cow!

Are they always like this?

And you just have to listen?

I didn't want

at our bloody party, Ed!

Then agree to 50/50 custody

and we can go

the full happy Martyns experience!

70/30, that's my final offer.

What? So you can squeeze me out?

And you're a scheming cow!

It wasn't me who had

And it wasn't me

Hello! Um...

Just thought I'd let you know

I'm just going to go,

and I'll, um, see you tomorrow.

Um... just a second.

This might be a good moment

that you have actually signed

She knows that!

I know that.

Mm-hm?

Why are you such a cow?!

Because I've been married to you

God, I hate you!

Would you like me

It's OK. I'm used to it.

I'm sorry for being horrible

You were just being yourself, right?

Yeah.

No taste! The state of you!

You vile... pink bitch!

You slimy... Oh!

The cleaning products you have

are chock-full of petrochemicals

and are so crammed with

So what do I do?

CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT

It's the Morrison party

And where's Gomez?

It's a code green.

Oh, no!

It's OK. It's OK.

What the hell are you doing here?

I stay here.

I'm here to put your lights out,

And I'm here

Do something.

OK, gentlemen, let's keep

You know, save it for the ring, eh?

THUMPING AND GRUNTING

Hey!

BOXING BELL RINGS

You're dead...

Out of the way. Shut up!

You should've punched!

We need to contain this,

OK, I'll go and find Emily.

What happens if it's broken?

Then the fight gets cancelled,

and I hate to say this,

but this hotel is up the proverbial

Come on, Carlton!

Seriously, you booked both boxers

If this didn't hurt so much,

I didn't know Gomez was staying here

And you couldn't tell us then?

You'd have felt you had to leave.

I'd rather have been

because, frankly, with the purse,

the television,

we stand to lose

all of which

So...

Look, I know I messed up, but...

Sam, seriously...

Pure and simple.

Anyway, first things first,

I need a private clinic to get Don's

Oh, hey, hey, big lady!

Dear me,

No, you are not a big lady.

You are a tiny little rose

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Here.

This is the Mexican AA.

The Mexican AA?

No alcohol, but spicy flavour.

Here.

So what happened?

Oh. The scars of war.

Lucky for Tony that Gino was there

Come on, tell Gino.

You have a baby on the way.

Why are you not blooming

It just... it just hit me

that I'm having a baby.

I knew that I was having a baby,

but I just realised that I'm,

Like, I'm going to have a baby.

I don't have a nursery,

I went out to buy a cot the other

How are new shoes,

They're velvet

..how are they

And what sort of a well-dressed

Look, nobody is good with kids

I have a son, you know?

Yeah, I know, little Gino.

in Barcelona. He's 12. Cristiano.

Do they not have

Oh, yes.

29, charming, handsome, virile.

No, I can't picture that.

Well, Martha pictured it.

She was the waitress

and we did the naked mambo

God!

But I get the wanderlust again,

I didn't know about him

when my sister got absolutely

and blurt it out.

What could I do, eh?

She has robbed me of the chance

Is that how you feel,

Every child needs his father.

And every father needs his child.

A man has a right

But... but you're OK.

You have your father.

He be very good for...

A waiter.

Very useful.

As you can see, we already have an

so shall we move on?

This was in with the brown glass.

Looks like I'm going to have

Sam, I need to speak to you urgently

about the Green Pillow man.

Well, as the day's gone on,

he's got harder and harder to

What do you want me to do about it?

I mean, it will help...

Oh, joy.

Red snapper. Where's that from?

The Gulf of Mexico, I believe.

There's also some great British

The odd cheese, I suppose.

New Zealand lamb.

Oh, I see you're offering

It's an extensive menu

An extensive global menu

that's clocking up the air miles

Oh, I can see I'm gonna be here

I suppose I should find

Why don't we organise

Well... Have the room

Emily, if you'd like to get

Superior room.

Checking up on me?

No, I... I just came to apologise.

It was a crappy thing I did

It's all right.

I quite enjoyed people thinking

Well, I'm going to tell everyone

You don't have to.

I mean, I've been playing along.

Really?

All right. Well, er...

OK, darling.

Too much, right?

Yeah.

HE CHUCKLES

Whoo!

Want some more, eh?

In the red corner, the Bull!

Round two. Pow! Pow!

Look at the Bull go. Look at him go.

He'll kill him. Bah! Bah! Dah! Gino!

Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino!

MUSIC WINDS DOWN

CLEARS THROAT

So, I heard about the brawl

Somebody said that you were...

..slapping like a girl.

Look, I'll have you know,

when I was a young man,

Punched in the head repeatedly

Explains a lot.

Emily,

Oh... 301. Why?

Room service. Lobster?

Green-lipped mussels?

Norwegian mussels

You look closely,

I am gonna have him

But everyone's got secrets.

You must have some dirt

I can't tell you.

Hang on.

What's that? Well, they made me sign

so if I do one with you,

then I can tell you anything, right?

OK.

Now spill the beans.

The Martyns...

No! Yeah.

What's the world record

Whatever it is,

Given the chance, I could've made

Come on, Sam,

Yeah, but I've usually had some

But this time...

Carlton says

And Carlton's a real expert

You've really got it in for him,

He made a pass at me

When?

trying to get that bottled water

and he called round and took me out.

I think he thought

that I owed him something.

And on that happy note...

..I'm gonna get some sleep.

No. I'll see you tomorrow.

HE SIGHS

ERIN HUFFS

I thought we were gonna have

for the duration of the party.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

We're never gonna agree

Not until you stop

Please, don't use the word "screw"

It makes me feel unwell.

You're trying to reduce the amount

which I will not stand for,

Hi. Matt! Jody!

Hi! Oh, lipstick, sorry.

I will never back down over this.

That's why I made a decision

I've had an offer from the US

to set up a media branch

Phoned my lawyers first thing this

Hi. Glad you could make it.

Great to see you.

Tyler and I will be splitting our

Been planning this all along,

You selfish, conniving bitch!

Oh, I'm so glad you could come!

What a surprise. I didn't think

The hand is definitely fractured?

So I'm gonna have to instruct

to start legal proceedings

I don't have a choice. Carlton,

Listen, Sam, there is no way

And the bottom line is

All right, look, the only possible

is if we come to some agreement.

Settle out of court?

Did you have a figure in mind?

It's gotta be a figure I'm happy

Hey, Jules, I'm reaching out here.

You're all heart.

Tell me something I DON'T know.

Can I suggest you piss off and let

Did you just tell Juliet

Yes, I did. Sound advice.

If you're gonna sue me, then let's

Sam, you are making a HUGE mistake.

No, I made a huge mistake thinking

DOOR CLOSES

So it's only fair

We may well be taken to court

and if we are, it could turn nasty.

I don't remember seeing Morrison

What?

Well, I'm trying to work out

and I don't remember

Look, he must have done.

I shook his hand

and he cry like a baby.

Gino is, er, stronger than he know.

Show me how you shook it.

Like this.

Oh!

Yeah, OK,

Hey!

CRIES OUT

He had it cocked,

What, you're an expert on boxing,

I had an ex-boyfriend

You went out with a boxer?

I didn't go into a nunnery

What was he?

Middleweight? Light welter?

No. Not to me. No.

Do you think that Morrison hurt

There's a good chance, yeah.

Carlton, just the man

Notified your lawyers yet?

We thought we'd give you a chance

Explain myself?

to try and wheedle out

No, it's our way of saying

When did you injure your hand, Don?

It wasn't last night, was it?

Seriously,

Something to hide, Carlton?

You knew Gomez was staying here

What did Carlton tell you?

What did he offer you

All right, look, I want you

It's not your room, it's mine.

Not for much longer, mate,

I understand why a devious slug

but you don't strike me

I'm not.

You're a champion, a great

Oh, please!

..think about this very carefully.

Remember what's at stake.

Carlton's priorities

When did you injure your hand?

Honestly.

A month ago.

I'll call Jake Samuels,

Juliet, it's started.

I've already been fielding calls

Then organise

to appease the journos

OK. Emily! Sorry.

about our eco-warrior's

Yes.

Well, he had told me that he wanted

Which is odd, because Tanya says

he hasn't taken the "do not disturb"

Fine. We should disturb him.

LOCK BEEPS

Mr Carrick?

He's used every towel in the hotel.

The air conditioning's on full

You are so clever,

SQUEALING AND GIGGLING

Oh!

You had me running round like

I really am sorry,

but you should see some of the dumps

I just thought one night of luxury

spent in lumpy beds with

So what are you going to rate us?

I think I can guarantee you

Huh!

SQUEALS

Now, I'm not going to bore you

I'm going to bore you

POLITE LAUGHTER

Thank you, thank you all for coming

where Ed and I topple headlong

Argh!

Now, as you all know,

A poetry nerd.

So I asked him to write us

and in a moment of utter madness

and with the promise

he agreed.

So before he becomes too incapable,

Darling.

Thank you, darling.

CLEARS THROAT

The end of love

It should involve

Why the hell not?

Why should it pass

Suits should be dry-cleaned

Whatever form it takes

The end of love

It should involve

Better than

Into the trap of silence

From visible to hidden

Thank you.

As you've probably gathered,

It's by Sophie Hannah.

Ed?

KNOCKING

I told him to come back inside,

Blahhh!

Ed, what on earth are you doing?

Stay there.

Good. I hate parties.

Where's Erin?

Pouring oil on troubled waters?

That's my girl.

Why don't you go back downstairs...

Save the full-blown breakdown

She's toying with me.

I don't stand a chance

because between her and her hot-shot

So how is being drunk and abusive

Ed, be careful! This is

What, between the Devil

Argh!

CHUCKLES

I'm just testing you.

What's wrong with him?

He's just a little bit tired and

Tired is right.

Sick and bloody tired.

Ed!

Tyler!

He's a selfish sod.

You stay in there, you!

What the hell are you doing?

We agreed how

But it's all bullshit!

Well, this is it, Ed. Yeah? The end.

Please!

You're a selfish bastard.

Yes, I bloody am.

All I've heard from both of you

and what YOU want.

But there is another person

and if you'd stop for one second

to think what HE wants

Because I've been with Tyler

and I can see that this

It is making you all

He doesn't understand

Oh, no, yes, he does,

because he's had to listen to you

He understands

So just talk to him.

Find out what HE wants

I know the first thing he wants is

Get down!

Right, now, get in!

Now, sit down.

Now... talk.

I'm sorry.

Welcome, everyone.

I think we all agree that

and disappointing 24 hours

for boxing fans

He has a prepared statement

I apologise... to Fernando

to my team,

I'm a fighter.

All I want to do is fight.

And I let myself be misled

I'm really sorry.

HE CRIES

HE SOBS

Thank you very much.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

..which means

so I can see Dad when I like.

If they're not happy,

Yeah. I think so.

Here, you should have this, for when

Thank you very much.

Do you know, I have no idea.

Whatever it is, it's lucky.

Because it'll have a good mum.

Do you think so?

If it all goes wrong with the dad,

promise you won't stay together

OK, I promise.

You sure you're only 11?

Yeah, so maybe

I mean, after we release

we could rebrand, become

aimed at the newly-separated parent.

Looking at how you nurture as single

That's good.

Great.

I think you may need this

I do hope you enjoyed your stay,

It's been such a pleasure.

Um, aren't you forgetting something,

'Running a hotel

'It takes dedication, application

'and above all,

I thought you were keen

What's it gonna do except attract

in organic socks and edible shoes?

OK, everyone,

Sorry.

I really think this could work,

You need to get to meetings on time,

be open and straight

and let me run my team.

Does that mean you're gonna stay?

Thank you.

There's a long way to go, Sam.

'When all's said and done,

'we need to learn to ask for help

I just wanted to say

if you need anyone to be around

..someone to get things,

buy nappies and stuff.

What, like a servant?

I suppose.

Thank you.

Er, thank you...

..for making me the dad.

Tea, milk, no sugar.

Yeah?

What you think? He the daddy?

I think I'd put you higher up my hit

Oh.

Yes. It's kicking.

So... are you ready

What?

I mean, we all know

And as I am the most trustworthy

and because you're dying

..why don't you tell me?

'Because it's all very well

'but some secrets

OK.