Original subtitles

'Once upon a time, the rich

'by worshipping in

'But all that has changed.

'Now we worship our hedonistic

'Such as Hotel Babylon.

'Where we've stopped worrying about

'in the next world,

'because we're too busy

'And if that means betraying people

'so we can get rich quick,

'It's not as if God's watching.

'Or maybe he is.

'Some people are starting to

'so, they look to a preacher

'to guarantee their ticket

Mr Slaughter, we are so pleased

It's an honour. Mr Parminder.

I'm Emily James, head of PR,

and this is Jack Harrison,

Welcome.

Everything is set upstairs

with the religious cable channel.

I think doing an interview

Close your eyes.

Now take a deep breath.

And open.

How do you feel?

First, I've never had a career,

A sense of mission I've had

I'm only a mouthpiece

An increasingly successful

The Sermon on the Mount

5,000 folk listened back then.

I'm not embarrassed one little bit

He's good, isn't he?

The truth has and always will

Truth has and always will

Yeah, so I said to him,

"you no eat my nuts. "

How, erm...

How often was this happening?

Then sometimes he bring his dog

Right, so let me

This guy just wanders in off

he doesn't buy a drink.

And then he just sits there

whilst his dog just licks

OK, you're in room 110.

Thank you. Um...

I need to ask you a favour.

A very personal favour.

Did I miss anything?

Only much mirth resulting

between some salty bar snacks

I was listening to Jonah Slaughter

I must have lost track of time.

Britain's answer to Morris Cirillo.

He's a leading American evangelist

Earl's Court every summer.

Slaughter has ambitions

After much, much success up north,

down to one of the bigger

Emily thinks we should court him

If his plans take off,

year on year for a week at a time.

Church God may be on its knees,

but Stadium God is very much on

KNOCK ON DOOR

Jack, I have a guest who insists on

About?

My son.

He wants to put him in

Perhaps I could escort you inside,

Standing there,

for any cabs pulling up.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Neon red is just the most

Ah, well, to be honest,

who's ever commented on it.

In my village,

Oh, and two dingy rooms

While we offer more amenities than

we like to feel we offer

Please allow me to escort you

The bar's this way, Mr Cathcart.

I can't tell you how much

Oh, well,

I've been looking forward to this

Oh, well, I only hope we can live up

Gino will look after you

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Could you point me towards

Well, if you want to sit quietly

watch the pretty girls go by,

But if you want to sit quietly

I just want to read a book.

You mean, you want to pretend

and then sneak the peek

I've been meaning to read this

I've finally managed to clear

to do nothing but finish

one of the greatest comic

That?

I read a book like that once.

It wasn't very good.

PHONE RINGS

Right, what seems to be the problem

Well, I can assure you that all

are king size beds, sir.

No, I'm afraid I'm unable

which particular king the bed

Moron.

I believe it was Mark Twain

that an alcoholic is anyone

who drinks more than we do.

Actually, I believe it

Miss Quigley.

Good of you to come.

All set?

I'm feeling a little nervy,

Thank you.

Mmm. Nerves all gone.

Jonah will be down any second.

He and I will be in conversation

Choose your moment and come over.

Emily.

Jonah will be down in a second.

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

The more exclusivity you give us,

to sell my boss on the whole deal.

I thought he was sold.

Are you planning on doing some

Jonah wants me to record the venues

So we can review them later.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

Emily was just explaining

between herself and her boss.

Oh, well, between you and me,

he's being a tad over-cautious about

Would it help if I had a chat

Oh, yes, it would. Yes.

Excuse me?

You are who I think you are?

It's eminently possible.

Jonah Slaughter?

My mother was a huge admirer

That's always nice to hear.

How do you sleep at night?

Well, knowing how much money

who believed in you.

OK, Nathan,

while Emily and I continue

My mother left your organisation

leaving me practically destitute!

What on earth was all that about?

We frequently receive bequeathed

which proves difficult

Yes, I can see that.

Er, same, thanks.

I wonder how she knew you were here.

Nathan thinks I give out

But I say it makes people feel

More involved, like we're all on

Well, you'll have to become more

Maybe.

HE LAUGHS

Uno fizzio H20, por favor.

Lemon-o?

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

Somebody's enjoying themselves.

He come to the hotel to read

What, just that?

What a waste of time

Have you read it?

Title of a good book would tell you

Well, I don't know...

If I don't know what

how do I know if I going to be

that tells me how you catch them?

22 little fishes,

22 sharks, I'm very interested.

22 tigers, I'm very interested.

22 mouses, no.

Thanks for the water, Gino.

HE LAUGHS

It's not as if I've done

But I have burned the candle

And quite often in the middle

God loves you, Emily.

Even after that.

God forgives all who genuinely

Isn't that right, Nathan?

Oh.

I think you should listen

I think you'll be glad you did.

PHONE RINGS

It's a weird male voice asking to

WHISPERING: Tell him I'm not here.

Hello, just handing you over, sir.

He doesn't like the pictures

I don't want to speak to him.

You are going to die.

And when I do, I'll find myself

of this lobby, with you, no doubt,

Hello, sir. Anna speaking.

Our pictures are specifically chosen

Their inoffensiveness in itself

I don't know what you mean.

How dare you say that?

He hung up on me.

Uh-oh.

Receptionist or not,

I'm sure he didn't mean to.

Right, hold the fort.

My mother loved your meetings,

but when I brought her to see you,

I had no idea

Look, I hear what you're saying,

and I understand your frustration,

But with all due respect,

for your mother's decisions.

She left £30,000

We have no choice

But that money was supposed to go

for a little house by the sea

Well, once she...

Oh, here.

What are you playing at,

I thought she had a story

Everything will be fine.

James, I, er... I need to ask you

Yes, of course, if I can.

That's not what I think it is?

Inside this urn are the remains

of one of our guests.

Are you out of your mind?!

Bringing human remains into

The guest has asked me to keep it...

The urn with him inside, he's asked

Then might I suggest, and this may

but the hotel safe?

Your office, then.

Every time I go and work,

that I'm sharing the room with a...

With a corpse.

In powder form, not as eerie,

Eerie enough.

Which is why I'd like you

In the restaurant?

For storing napkins and cutlery,

Isn't your pay review due in

I am shocked and appalled

by the ease with which you would

So am I. But then I think to myself,

if I can't abuse it every now

No. No, you can't. Jack.

Wish me luck, son.

Look, I've explained my position.

Oh, please, what?!

Please, shut up and go away!

That's what you mean,

It's what you want.

and for me to accept it

BEHIND DOOR: My mother is dead.

And I'm very sorry,

You could untie them.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Did you order room service?

No, did you?

KNOCK ON DOOR

I, uh... I think you must have

We didn't order any...

Step back in the room.

Sit on the bed.

It's open.

I've absolutely no intention

Now, please come to the door.

Why not?

Who's in there?

Surprise!

Ned? But you're at

Yeah, well,

But why would you wind me up with

and that stupid voice?

Well, because I thought

the more fun I could have

Ooh.

Isn't it enough that you have a gun?

She's right.

Three years ago,

And when he was diagnosed

we assumed his chance had gone.

But once his treatment kicked in,

The medication was tough,

And then, one evening,

feeling low, he went looking for

and found himself in a meeting

the university church.

No-one's more stressed these days

Was your son very religious?

But his new medication

He was tired, doubting himself.

He came to you

God's love

Yeah, he said

He told us that, as a consequence,

Renewed, strong,

By the time his mother and I

he had stopped taking his pills,

Oh, how bad was it?

He could have had another 21 years.

Instead, 21 was his age

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I need a drink.

PHONE RINGS

Whose is that?

It's my boss.

Let it ring out

'Hi, it's Emily James' phone.

It's only a matter of time

Yeah, by then I'll have done

My friend, you're making

Now, I want you over this side

Everybody else, on the bed.

All right, but onto the bed.

I never told your son

If he hadn't come to see you,

You offered him false hope.

It's what I do.

You might as well have stuck

Whatever your grievance is

this is not the way to solve it.

I wanna stop him doing it

Now, move.

Jonah!

I said, move!

Sorry.

Whoa!

Anna, you are the most beautiful,

sexy woman I've ever met.

I wanted you from the moment

Oh, Ned.

Anna...

..will you...

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Why is it not fair?

you wanna spend

when you don't even know

Well, I'm imagining

Yes, well, we'll spend

we'll be one of those couples who

to one another, I promise.

OK, let's try again, shall we? OK.

Anna...

Maybe we should have a drink first.

OK.

I deal with people in distress

I hear what they really mean beneath

What do I really want?

For your grief to be acknowledged.

OK, that's it. I quit.

I agreed to play the part

not to participate in broad farce.

Now is really not the time.

What do you mean, play the part?

What?

You probably read about

of Glengarry Glen Ross

I live near Bolton

Nathan, do you mind telling me

Gino, you haven't seen Emily,

That man with the book.

What about him?

Is he eating your nuts

That book is making him laugh

he'll drive

It's a very funny book.

Well, of course, it's a famous book.

Oh, that's it.

It's about to catch 22 Nazis, eh?

Catch-22 is the explanation of why

to escape a crazy system

I don't understand.

A simpler version

What came first,

The egg, obviously.

Ah, you see, what laid

Come along, everybody know

If you see Emily, just tell her

Wait a minute.

Where did the first chicken

Ah, that's...

Just tell her.

I'm sorry, I know it probably feels

and a bit full-on.

You see, the thing is

Oh. Yeah, a pretty incredible job,

The senior consultancy in one

in the country.

Oh, well, that's fantastic.

It's in York.

That's up north.

And I know that

Yes, but I'm also

Well, um, you know, I thought

on the edge of the city,

I'll be your Heathcliff,

Didn't they die, sad and miserable?

Yes, they did,

and none of their pain, I promise.

OK, well, that sounds

Oh, Anna, with you by my side,

Oh.

Now, where were we?

SHE GIGGLES

As the scenario

appears to be coming

I shall take my bow

pursued, I hope not,

I do not share top billing

No, no, I can't allow you to leave.

Do stop waving that thing about.

I assure you,

And a fellow ham.

Tell me, how many of us exactly

to deliver this lesson in hubris?

And I do hope she's on

because I find her performance

I work for the hotel.

Is this woman some kind

And him.

OK, so you can stay in character

Frankly, it's not a competition

I can't believe this.

You're supposed to be

And it's in that capacity I acted.

You weak, spineless... You Judas.

Jonah!

Everybody, except you, onto the bed!

You're right.

How can I believe

Your accent's all over the place,

And where did you find this man?

Sir...

GUNSHOT RINGS OUT

I want complete silence

Anna, it wasn't a gunshot.

I don't know, it was a door slamming

I've worked in hotels

and I've slammed every door

and that was no door slamming!

And whilst I'm gone,

the answer to your question, OK?

THEY GASP

Did you hear that?

Bang!

I know what it was.

It was a gun.

SHE GASPS

We need to find the duty manager.

Let's go.

You all right there, boss?

Not only can I not find her,

I can't get her on her mobile,

It just keeps going straight

That's not like her.

Why are you walking like that?

I'm bursting to go to the loo.

No, I've been covering for Anna.

She went up to have words

and I've heard nothing since.

Harsh ones, with pointy bits

I don't know.

What about her?

Not since she went into the lift

I'm so desperate to go to the loo,

The Christian guy!

Go.

Oh, Ben?

What's Mr Slaughter's room number?

I don't know,

Did you hear just now, like, a bang?

A bang?

What kind of bang?

Well, you know, like a bang-bang.

You know, you spend far too long

The draught is finally

Yeah, I actually saw it happen

Lost his mind completely.

It was definitely a bang.

On your knees.

No, no, no, not you. You!

Close your eyes.

Please...

Stop!

I can't let you do this.

I'm not in the best mental state

Really? We'd never have noticed (!)

So far, you've only shot a ceiling.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Shh.

Emily?

Shh.

Mr Slaughter?

Mr Slaughter.

There you are, Emily.

Mmm-mmm.

Mr Farmer, what are you doing here?

He's in a very safe...

The gun's loaded, Jack.

This is a no-gun...

hotel!

I didn't mean to do that.

But he was going to stop me,

and no-one is gonna stop me

No-one! Not him, not you!

Let me through, please.

Is he OK?

I remember most of the medical

in the Florence Nightingale musical.

Have you seen Jack?

I think I heard a gunshot upstairs.

Protocol states that I need to find

and if I can't, I need to find

which just happens to be you.

No, no, I've got enough on my plate

Anyway, it can't have been

It was probably just a door

Does that sound like a door slamming

If I don't find Jack,

SHE FAKE RETCHES

Are you OK?

I'll live.

I didn't mean to hurt him.

Can't you see that all you're doing

I've lost my son, my job,

Things can't get any worse for me.

Are you going to flush?

The toilet?

I need to find Jack.

He went upstairs to find Emily.

Because she hasn't come down

Anna, after he stopped growling,

I know, to find Emily.

And isn't answering her mobile.

Anna, I've just received

"We ehab in hel din rom 15."

What language is this?

It was so loud that it stopped Ned

Ned proposed?!

Oh, that's so nice!

Uh, Ned was proposing to me

That's wonderful news.

Now we've just received this weird

Did he get down on one knee?

Congratulations!

Really?

He hasn't actually asked,

You're hugging me

That doesn't matter.

Are they your breasts I can feel?

Interesting.

"We are being held in room 510."

THEY GASP

Guys, we've got colleagues to save.

'In business,

'"Such-and-such was dealt with

'This means outside agencies,

'were not called in to help resolve

'It means that, rightly or wrongly,

'to deal with

ON RADIO: Gubnshots confirmed.

'Nowhere is dealing

'more popular than in

Armed police! Don't move!

Don't move!

'Mistakes are easy to make.'

Keep your hands

'Oh, shit.

'And much, much harder

Right, we think the shot came from

If you think that,

Because we don't know for sure.

And we don't wanna end up with egg

So, what do we know?

They're being held

Correct. Why?

We don't know.

So the big question is...

Yes?

Exactly.

We need to find out precisely

and we need to find out fast.

OK, the first thing we need

And then a plan of action

Gino, I want you to hold the fort

Now, the next thing we do is...

Because you keep asking

and you're gonna slow

Then, what was...

No, Gino. I'm doing my plan now.

Right, somebody enters

Making their way along the shaft,

the ventilation grille

The ketchup.

AKA Jonah Slaughter's room.

Then the rest of us

waiting to make

into the room at the given signal.

Ah, I was thinking that

"Make the double pincer movement

Or just, "Now. "

That's even better.

So, THAT command shall be given by

when the man with or without

is by either one of these two doors.

At which point, we shall burst in,

and overpower him

Right, are we clear?

Yes.

Good. Let's roll.

'Now, there are good plans,

'But the bottom line is

'as its weakest link.'

Gino, reception.

Thank you, Mrs Farouk.

There we are. Very kind. Thank you.

Welcome to Hotel Babylon.

This is for you.

Welcome to Hotel Babylon.

No problem.

can I take your room number?

Welcome to Hotel Babylon...

For you, sir, and for you.

'While you may think you know

'more often than not,

According to the blueprints,

then you crawl along

and then head down the third.

When you get to the end of the third

that looks down into

Right.

Will you do one thing for me?

Will you turn off the air con?

Oh, for God's sake.

Is he gonna be OK?

JACK GROANS

Oh. My head.

Jack? Jack, how are you feeling?

Why have you done this to me?

I have tried to steer your career

But you have become obsessed

And it was threatening to destroy

which first drew me to you.

Your spirituality, your compassion,

You've changed.

And I thought this might be a way

I don't believe you.

I think you did this because you

and replace you with someone better.

I still don't believe you.

So as soon as this is over,

is precisely what I'm gonna do.

Jonah!

You still don't get it, do you?

This story will come out

Hey, Slaughter, sit down.

Remind me why I am the perfect

Because you're the smallest.

SHE GASPS

When you get to the grille, radio us

so we can orchestrate

If I don't make it out, tell Ned...

Yeah, look, OK, nothing's going

Good luck.

Does my bum look big in this shaft?

SNORTS

SNORTS

CLEARS THROAT

SHE STRAINS

Oh!

Oh, no! Ah, shit!

My favourite shoes.

Huh?

SNORTS LOUDLY

MAN CHUCKLING

Excuse me, sir, as acting manager

I would ask you to leave the bar.

What? Why?

Because you've driven

with all your giggling and laughing.

If I stop laughing, can I stay?

Yes, but you haven't bought

I'm not thirsty.

So, I can stay here

if I read this laugh-out-loud book

without laughing out loud,

and buy drinks

Exactly.

In that case...

..I'll go up to my room!

Thank the Lord above for that.

OK, all clear.

# When I was just a little girl

# I asked my mother

# Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?

# Here's what she said to me

# Que sera, sera...

# Whatever will be, will be

# The future's not ours to see

# Que sera, que sera

# Que sera, sera...

# Whatever will be, will be

# The future's not ours to see

# Que sera, que sera

# Whatever will be, will be

# The future's not ours to see

# Que sera, sera... #

SHE SIGHS

NED: 'No, she's going to say yes.'

Ned?

Ned?!

I mean, why on earth

working here as a receptionist

when she could marry a doctor,

and never have to work again?

Huh?

What? Ned?

No, she loves me.

No, we'll move up to York,

within the year.

It's not as if a girl like her will

I love you too, Mother. OK.

OVER RADIO: 'Anna.'

'How you doing?'

Um, been better. Over.

'Come on, Anna, you can do this.

'We need to know what's going on

OK.

Won't let you down.

'Move out, Private.'

SHE GROWLS

ALL HUMMING QUE SERA SERA

# Whatever will be, will be...

Stop it! Shut up!

You and I need to talk.

If you kill Slaughter,

I had a better idea in the toilet.

Better than killing him?

his power will disappear.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

We seem to be having

accessing the room next to yours.

I wondered if I could try

Is there no other way?

You won't even know that I'm here.

I promise,

RADIO: 'What can you see, Anna?'

Nothing.

HE CHUCKLES

My name's Jonah Slaughter.

For ten years,

Two years ago, I saw a gap

for a charismatic faith healer

initially for free.

More recently...

..for profit.

Yes.

Right.

The truth is...

I have always...

James, are you in position? Over.

Yes, like a coiled spring.

The truth is,

I can't heal with just my hands...

and anyone who says they can

OK, Emily is in

She's got a camcorder,

Jack's lying on the bed

Is this a hostage situation or

There's a gun!

Stay calm, Anna, stay calm. Over.

It's being held by...

It's the urn man.

If he's got a gun,

There's no time. I'm gonna open a

How you gonna do that?

Finally, I would like

for all the hurt and distress

to all the relatives and friends

If you so much as say "Bless you"

this will find its way to

PHONE RINGS

Jack? No, I'm sorry,

You must have the wrong room.

Is that you, Jesus?

Please! You've got what you wanted.

Now, just calm down.

I don't want his confession,

Oh, that is not fair!

You come in here

Urn man's getting angry.

OK... we're going in.

ALL SHOUTING

I'm sorry.

Shh.

All I want is to get to the end

Right.

Now there's no point, is there?

Please, just... Just back down.

NOISE FROM ABOVE

Hey, who the hell is up there?

Shit!

SHRIEKING

My son.

SCREAMING

BEEPING

WAILS

GUNSHOT

COUGHING

Is everyone all right?

Now we should call the police.

Two bullets were fired.

One was for Jonah and...

The other?

SOFT COUGHING

GROANS,

CRASHING

SHE COUGHS

Hi!

'Those of us that work

'know that the pay and the hours

'But at least we have the

'the course of events

One thing I do know, Emily,

290, 300.

Shouldn't I be paying that

No, no, half the time,

and when she calls,

Cash in hand is fine.

'We know some of our guests

'and compassion to the max.

'Although often, those who give us

'end up being the people

Thank you.

'Others... just take the piss.

'And you can't always blame them.

'Given all that, you would think

'would change faster than one

'towards certain relegation.'

Oh, Anna, hi.

Sorry... just one second.

OK, there we go.

Anna, I love you.

Will you marry me?

'But they don't. Why?

CHEERING

SHE SOBS

'What keeps us here is that

SOBBING CONTINUES

'..and especially

Oh, Anna!

Playing doctors and nurses with

'..when everyone else has

'we'll always be there

Go on, fill her up.

You'll feel better after that.

INDISTINCT CHATTER,