Original subtitles

TONY: 'It doesn't matter who we are

'Nothing really prepares staff

'for the experience of working

'We never know who's gonna spin

'and what you might ask of us.

'It's a bit like being an actor.

'There's so many different roles

'Sometimes you need us to be a

Front row, dress circle.

Thanks!

'And sometimes you need us

The black. Definitely the black.

'We need to be part conman...

'..and part showman.'

This is a lovely Burgundy,

It was once owned by

'We have to learn to be adaptable,

'to switch from one role to

'in an instant.'

'We're your garrulous drinking

But I love her.

'..your marriage guidance

So talk to her.

Stop shagging your PA.

'These skills can't be taught

'It doesn't matter whether you've

'We've learnt the hard way,

'If a member of staff's promoted

'before they've had a chance

'..they'd better learn fast.'

Cos you just know

And you feel it in your fingers.

My toes are telling me

Cut!

Katie, that was great.

Why are you staring

Exactly. You know, I think

Bitch! Such a bitch.

Simon, can we please do something

Rob.

Or a fire extinguisher?

I'm just saying what I read.

Right, I'll be in my suite.

OK, let's take five, everyone,

Thank you.

So I would like each of you to take

"The customer is always right."

"The customer comes first."

"The customer is God."

Oh, God. Come on, you can...

"The customer is..."

"..crap."

SIGHS

Did you see that boy playing me?

I can act better than that.

Oh, could this film crew

I'm gonna ask the director

Do you know,

This producer asked me to give him

for his Bond film. Licence To Drill.

I was going to be a nuclear

This came for you

GASPS

Oh, my God.

Ned wants to take me to New York,

I'd look a lot happier than that

if someone wanted to take me

No, it's just, you know,

314, please.

I've just been to New York.

I'm also waiting

We'll have it sent up to your

Great, thank you.

It's like one of those wildlife

is about to cross the river

Obviously, you realise it's up to us

You stupid bastards. Do you have any

Your office, now!

"While filming

"Tom Charles has been treating

"It seems Tom isn't as worried

"as the lines in his forehead."

No.

Tom's out there spitting blood.

Well, surely that won't be

I'm certain there's something we can

Actors don't do happy.

If they're happy,

And those two, they're the worst.

I have three days left to film.

If I don't get these last few

I don't have a movie.

If I don't have a movie,

CHANTS

GONG

I need my actors focused.

I personally guarantee it.

You have till the end of the day.

If those two are still bitching,

Hmm?

OK, we're gonna need to move

Hey, you no touch my spirits.

You touch my spirits,

OK.

I no touch your spirits.

Can I get past?

COUGHS

Hey, you know, when I was a kid

I always wanted to be an actor.

You look at me? Huh?

You look at me, huh?

Don't see anybody else here.

GUNSHOT

I have absolutely no idea.

Robert De Niro, Taxi Driver.

You look at me?

You sound like a Spanish Mr Bean.

I just want to say

to working with all of you.

Well, I'd like each of you to take

"The customer is king."

What if the customer is some city

He no king.

Well, yes.

I will give you an exception.

Last night, a guest got in the lift

and got his old chap out

Well, I shall not tell you

but it wasn't very regal.

as a general rule, let's treat all

Moving on. Now, some of you

It popped up

on one of those celebrity

Now, the producer thinks the leak

He's threatening to quit the hotel.

No. Did you see what they did

They completely trashed the place.

Look, I know they can

But I promised we'd do everything we

So let's try and make the best of

This could be from anywhere.

I don't know why they think

It could have been one of the crew.

I just want to emphasise respecting

It's so important

especially in attracting

Despite what they may say,

I think you'll find that they demand

Well, not in this case.

Look, I don't want

but if a member of staff is leaking

about guests to the media, I'll...

Well, I'll have to sack them.

Right, well, erm...

I know you're all busy with

So that's it for today. Thanks.

Thanks.

Is it just me, or is that like being

Come on, first-day nerves.

How's Charlie getting on?

Well, I know you two are close.

I thought you might have heard

As if I've got nothing better to do

Are you lost?

Yeah, I'm looking for Anna.

Pretty girl, dark hair?

I just saw her going into the spa.

Crikey! You're not painting

If you insist on fluffing,

You know, I'd really like

to make up for this Botox thing.

What does he like?

Anything else?

He's a huge cricket fan.

I told the producers I'd handle it

I have more experience in handling

Well, I kind of know

On the house.

Thanks.

I think this could be the start

Humphrey Bogart, Casablanca.

Ah!

Of all the gin joints...

Your messages.

I just want to say, I think

Thanks.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Your dress arrived.

Thanks.

I just hope I've got the arse for

I just wanted to say thank you

Is that the guy who wants to take

Yes, that's Ned, yeah.

A guy offers to take you to New York

A little bit weird.

Don't you want to go?

We've only been seeing each other

it's all so much.

Sorry, you're a guest. I shouldn't

Hey, you've made me your accomplice.

Oh, it's complicated.

Is there someone else?

Just tell me to mind my own business

Yeah, there was someone else.

He used to work here,

I thought...

What happened?

And he's off jetting

Oh, and Ned's lovely.

It's just every time I think

I was the same when I was getting

Messed him about for ages.

Soon as I decided to go

It was amazing.

Is that him there?

At least if it doesn't work out,

Yes, yes, and I have always wanted

Well, there you go.

Oh, you've got so much gorgeous

GASPS

Oh! Marc Jacobs.

Oh, wow.

Oh, anyway,

Thank you so much for listening.

Erm...

They're for the second test

Luckily, they had some returns.

The best seats in the house.

I want to assure you

to providing our guests with

Well, I...

This is fantastic.

And if there's anything else I can

you only have to ask.

Actually, there is something, Jack.

That bitch, Katie, she's got the

I bloody knew it!

She's got the best suite.

Bitch.

My contract says I should have

I can assure you, you have got

One of the best? I want THE best.

Now, you make it happen, Jack,

..unhappy.

Madam.

What is this?

Oh, my God.

They have to be green.

But madam ordered the carrot soup.

Do you have any idea how hard it is

No. Cos you're too busy running

Oh, sorry.

Oi, move!

Hmm.

Oh, dear God.

Your messages, sir!

Thank you.

You cannot handle the truth!

Jack Nicholson.

Here's Johnny.

You're trying to get a part in the

What do you know about acting?

I know that I can act.

We'll just see who gets a part,

Call me.

Anna.

Not that one! The red one!

No, the other red. The red.

I'm sorry for barging in.

I can't find my red lipstick.

I need my red lipstick.

I am sure we can find it for you.

No-one understands!

The filming, the travelling,

and interviews, it's so hard!

What did she say?

She was sympathising.

Oh, she understands. Thank you.

Yes, er... thank you, Tanya.

The producers,

Really? In that scene,

Where you seduce

EXHALES

Wow.

That's what I'm talking about.

We gotta shoot this sex scene.

He says it's all about the tit shot.

I am more than just

Of course you are.

Well, everyone's running around

It's like I'm invisible.

Why don't I just go crazy

They even insisted

Personally, I don't get it.

Tom has the best suite?

See? No respect.

How about...

I tell Tom that there's a problem

We move him out, and we move you in.

You'd do that?

For you, anything.

BOTH: This is definitely

..in the hotel.

Can I get some exercise equipment

Big plasma screen.

And in LA, they have silk bed linen.

And some orchids. White, not yellow.

And a Wii.

MIMICS RACQUET SPORT

And a retro Space Invaders

Do you know what would be

A water feature.

Last time I stayed here,

for this lovely girl to come and

And she had the most divine brown

I'll see what I can do.

You think you can bribe the director

with your little tray of

Right. We settle this now.

Like men.

Adrian! Adrian!

Show me the money!

Adrian!

Rocky Balboa.

If I give you both parts in the

do you promise to leave me alone?

Oh, we no trouble you no more.

Man behind bar.

Philosophical wedding planner.

Ah-da-da-da...

Learn your lines.

Hey! Ho!

Thanks for coming

It's just this way.

Thanks.

So now he's arranging hookers for

Yeah, so it used to be.

Oh, I'm so confused.

GROANS

That's when you know

So, the style of the wedding

is some big metaphor

Please. Who writes this crap?

Look at her.

with some old man.

going on about how amazing

She's such a fraud.

That's when you know you're

Oh, that was lovely.

Was it good?

This is a bloody great hotel.

Oh.

I guess that means we're staying.

I don't know what you did, but,

thank you.

OK, gents. Drink time.

I'm buying, boys.

How is your first day

Fine. No problem. Piece of cake.

Glad to hear it.

Good night.

So, the good news is the movie

Gino, your acting career is safe.

Until they see your acting, anyway.

Oh, I think somebody

The director say I have a gift.

No, the director said you had a

There is just one other thing

I've noticed there seems

developing amongst the staff.

I'm not pointing any fingers

but no-one should be drinking

Tell that

But it's not just

Now, alcohol abuse is a huge problem

A drink at the end of the shift

Look, I'm not suggesting

I mean, at least I hope they're not.

Look, anyway,

then surely you can wait

So, no more boozing on the job, OK?

PHONE BUZZES

Hello? Yes.

KNOCK ON DOOR

How can I help?

We were wondering, when you

what do you expect to see?

I expect to see...

..some great acting,

Thank you.

You don't expect to see her tits?

I'm sorry?

I guess that's why you advised Katie

not to go topless in this sex scene

Tell Simon what you said to me,

about how I can do it all with my

I, um...

I mean, I was talking generally

I'm sorry. A 16-year-old boy

He doesn't care if you've got

They're not looking at your eyes!

Front and centre, my friend.

Is that all I am to you,

It's not like I haven't seen them.

You're not asking Tom

Oh, no! He's an actor!

Whoa! Tits and dicks

The tits stay in the picture!

I will not do the scene topless.

I am an artist.

Listen to me, honey. You are an

The cinema-going public

The financiers want to see your

And he wants to see your tits!

Tell her!

He respects your tits.

He's not interested in my tits.

Look at him. He's a tit man!

He's an eye man.

Tit man! Tell her!

Tits. Eyes.

I hate you!

She misinterpreted what I was

Oh. She was upset,

Hey, it's all right.

You just torpedoed a $20 million

We'll sue you.

Get me our lawyers on the phone.

JACK WAILS,

Everything all right?

Yeah. Fine. It's all good.

Thanks.

Hi. Mineral water, please. Thanks.

Hi! We met yesterday.

Can I just say, I think it's great

She's fantastic.

I told her to go for it.

And besides, very cute.

Oh, here she is.

Well, you two have a good time

He's lovely.

Hey.

Erm... were you talking

Yeah, I was just telling her

Yeah, she said that you should

Thank you.

What did she mean?

Don't you want to go?

Well, what was she talking about?

I was just a bit confused.

About us?

I shouldn't have got the tickets.

No, I knew it was over the top.

No, it's... It's really lovely.

It's just everything's

Yeah, and it's my fault.

I should go.

No, no, look, if you're confused,

then you need some space to sort it

It's not like that.

It's better if I go.

I'm sorry.

Erm... call me. When you're ready.

I didn't say

HISSES

Tell it to the judge, my friend.

Can we talk about the sex scene?

Not with him here.

I'd like her to stay.

Do you mind?

OK, people. We need to be ready

Let's go.

OK, you heard the man.

Imagine you're making a movie.

Oh, it's all sorted.

Right, so she's agreed to do it?

I can't actually say. I signed

But you have nothing to worry about.

Don't you think you should have

before getting involved?

I'm sorry, I should consult you

before sorting out the mess

I was dealing with it.

Well, great job.

In this job, you need a drink

You do a double shift on reception,

And several chasers.

I mean, you're telling me

You know, we should spike the

Yeah, then when he's unconscious...

shave off his eyebrows

Oh!

Come on,

Give him a chance. He'll calm down.

All right, if he doesn't, we go for

You told Ned I'm confused. What the

I was telling him that it's OK.

Well done. Nice work.

Maybe if you weren't so pissed

you'd realise what you're doing.

...about you and your amazing

off round the hotel

Yeah, I saw that sleazy old man

So if you're going to be a slut,

Do you think this is funny?

I'm not shagging him,

Well, you don't look ill to me.

What do you mean, you're dying?

I've got six months to live.

But can't they do something

This is it. This is why I'm here.

One final blowout

It's my last chance

So where's your boyfriend?

He's not exactly

I left when I realised I was ill.

I don't want him looking after me

He doesn't know, does he?

I wanted to give him the chance

who's not gonna lose their hair.

You should tell him.

What, "Hey, Sam, guess what,

Well, he'd want to know.

No, of course it's not fair.

I'm so sorry that you're ill...

but that's crap.

I wouldn't know what

Hi, I'm calling from Hotel

and you've been selected

This means you've won

Just call this number

Ooh.

Jack. Jack. Psst!

Who's the girl in the bar?

Ah, I'm not sure.

See if you can get her

Off you pop.

Cheese!

No photos!

Hi. Cheese!

'Celebrities take all sorts

'when they're staying in hotels.'

I have a reservation.

Snow White.

Right. So which one's Grumpy?

'When there are several celebrities

'the room service orders alone

Fruit salad for Snow White.

Grilled tuna for Miss Flintstone.

And a cheese and pickle sandwich

'Some of the measures they take

'are often just a ruse

'Celebrities ask to be

'but only after

Let's get this party started.

SONG: 'Bohemian Rhapsody'

# Mama, just killed a man

# Put a gun against his head

# Pulled the trigger, now he's dead

# Mama, life has just begun

# And now

# Mama

# Ooh

# Didn't mean to make you cry

# If I'm not back again

# Carry on, carry on

# As if nothing really matters

Hi.

# I see a little silhouetto

# Scaramouche, Scaramouche,

# Thunderbolt and lightning

# Galileo, Galileo

# Galileo, Figaro

# I'm just a poor boy

# He's just a poor boy

# Spare him his life

# Easy come, easy go

# Bismillah, no!

# Let him go!

# We will not let him go

# Bismillah

# Let me go!

# Let me go! Will not let him go!

# No, no, no, no, no, no!

# Mamma mia, mamma mia

# Mamma mia #

CHEERING

Oh, yeah. That's good.

I'm testing it for Gino.

I'm not sure there's a difference

You're not making a big deal

Tony, I did say I didn't want anyone

And, oh, yes,

I've been telling everyone

I've defended you.

Now I'm giving you

Gino, pour it away.

Fine. You're on your own.

You're crocodile meat.

That boy have a big cork

Hello.

What the hell happened?

We were dancing and...

OK, she's breathing.

No. No, no, no.

I can't be involved with this.

You'll have to deal with this.

You're leaving?

You brought her up here.

You might need these.

Hey, she took them off.

It happens.

I owe you one.

It will take more than a bit of

They should have screen-tested me.

What am I looking at?

Hi, I'm Sam Quinn.

Prize? Sorry, sir? Tony, it's OK.

Right, if you'd just like to,

we're going to do the presentation

Tell me something.

Oh, they're the film's financiers.

I get the feeling they're

No way!

Excuse me.

Jack, hi, how can I help you?

Uh, well, my hands are a little tied

That's serious. No, sorry,

Emily? No, I haven't seen her.

Sorry, Jack,

Bad... ine... You're breaking up...

Tony?

Do you think he's in trouble?

Frankly, my dear,

Excuse me.

Where the hell have you been?

Simon, I'm sorry.

Been topping up the Botox?

Don't you ever tire

Are you two finished yet?

646, take 1.

Stand by.

You know, I'm really loving

Yeah, it really defines your eyes.

Hey.

Break your legs.

And action.

Hi.

Oh, God, is he really

Cut!

So, this is the, uh, third floor.

It's also known

And, uh, here's your surprise.

Sam.

I thought you two needed to talk.

What is this?

Did you put her up to this?

So why am I here?

I didn't want to see you.

Just gonna let him go?

I didn't want him to know.

Anna, no!

Sam!

Sam, wait! Sam, wait!

Sam!

No, no, wait.

You have to talk to her.

Sam!

Leave me alone. You're insane.

She's dying.

Ah.

What happened?

Well, I was just passing

and found you like this.

Think you had

No, that actor was here.

Tom Charles.

Were you touching me?

Did he leave me like this?

He's famous.

No, I don't think

I'm sure we can work something out.

Yeah? Like what?

Because this all looks

Yeah.

She left because she doesn't

She doesn't want you

She was trying to protect you.

I'm sorry,

Another one? Where is everybody?

The financiers saw

They said it was one of the worst

on-screen chemistries

They pulled the plug. They can't

Of course. It's their money.

I'm afraid it means

I'm sorry.

I mean, it's massive. It's over...

I guess you could sue us.

I've only been

I did everything I could!

Tom, Katie...

Chico.

The chemistry wasn't there.

The least you could let me do

I'm on duty!

Keep 'em coming, Chico.

I'm sorry.

You should have told me.

It's OK. It's OK.

I want to be there for you.

It's OK.

'Hello?'

'Anna.'

'Uh, sure.'

I know everyone thinks

That I'm this overqualified idiot.

I just wanted to prove them wrong.

Two days.

Two days,

No-one can run this place

Don't try

You need to let us do our jobs.

We're actually pretty good at them.

I behaved like a total arsehole.

Are you asking me for help?

Yeah.

OK.

Just as long as we're clear

Cyrano de Bergerac,

Maybe. But if we can create

between these two actors,

You work on her. We'll work on him.

unless Jack would rather

No, and, uh,

I, uh... I really appreciate it.

No problem.

OK, first things first. Now, this

is she a blonde?

Hello, Lily.

Lily hangs around

waiting for rich, famous men

Then she gets up to their room,

and then threatens to go to the

It's something like that, isn't it,

Thank you, Lily.

Little bit of advice.

When you're putting

try getting them

Don't ask.

The film getting shut down,

The ego on the guy.

Water.

It's weird.

and he was watching

and he kept going on and on about

Really? He said I was talented?

Mmm-hmm.

He has every single one

And photographs of you.

See for yourself if you want.

Maybe it would be better

Your confidence has taken a knock.

You fall off the horse,

Just remember, I'll be on the

Off you go.

I mean, the film shutting down.

You know, the only talent

And they're not even hers.

There's your in. Go for it.

Well, uh,

acting opposite you.

What?

She was probably intimidated

Yeah, true.

I heard her talking about you.

And, uh, well, she was saying

There's a guy

Mustafa, get off this channel!

What? Who the hell's Mustafa?

He's the guy that Katie

That's... That's the guy that Katie

that you are the most talented

Really?

What else did she say?

Oh, um, I can't. I'm on duty.

Sod that. I'm buying you a drink.

Do you really want to screw this up

Thanks.

Right, Gino.

I'll leave you the bottle.

Good man. Cheers.

So, tell me more.

I mean, she is completely

You know, she's like, "Tom this,

"Yet so modest."

Oh, my God!

I should have seen it before.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I should have seen it earlier.

She's obviously totally...

..in love with me.

Why on earth shall I help him

Because there was a time

what you were doing, either.

Not to mention he's doing

Good point. Jack?

Is he drunk?

Look. We sit Tom and Katie

One here, one at table six.

If we keep the tables

they will have

It will almost be like

I will have Chef

The dishes will contain

This will be sex on a plate.

Ah!

Christ.

Mmm.

Ooh!

Ooh!

I'll have what she's having.

It's working.

Just one more thing to do.

When they see how much publicity

my guess is that they won't be

A list of my press contacts. You're

I told everyone

Well, you can stick by that

The film company won't be able

and you'll lose your job. My advice

Do whatever you've got to do

It's your call.

Look at that, mate.

Hotel Babylon's made it

You off?

Sam's taking me home.

This is for you.

For everything.

OK.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

I just want to know where I stand.

Do you want to...

Everything was happening so fast.

And, well, I just needed some time

Well, and now that I have...

Well, I really want to be with you.

Are you sure?

No, no, no. Completely, and...

I'd love to go to New York with you,

More than ever.

Come on.

All the bitching, the fighting,

When I said that I hated you...

what I really meant to say

Prove it.

Cut!

APPLAUSE

Tremendous.

How long do you think they'll last?

I think they'll be married,

and divorced within three months.

Oh, somebody looks happy.

Well, the financiers are loving it.

I'll go and prepare your bill.

Tony, um...

Thanks.

It's OK.

So, tell me, how did you get Katie

I thought she was refusing

Ah, we used a breast double.

This double-breast woman,

I'm afraid her identity

Show me my mark, because

Actually, guys, we've had a rethink.

We've merged both your parts

It's 007. Licence to grill.

'Running a hotel

'It isn't an exact science.

'There's no one set of rules

'We have to learn which rules

Where are you off to next?

'Just like the film director,

a new general manager needs to do

'That way, they might just survive.'

Cheers.