Original subtitles

TONY: 'Love is in the air.

'It's the run up to St Valentine's

'Calling in the favours,

'getting together

'making sure we cash in on Cupid.

'Nothing is too much trouble.

'but as the swan appears to glide

'the feet below

'It's like a beautiful

'You want champagne and chocolates?

'You want music?

'One of the world's most

'with an extended high range?

MUSIC: 'O Mio Babbino Caro'

# O mio babbino caro

# Mi piace e bello... #

'You want us to park our taste

'We'll grit our teeth and make sure

'have a night to remember.'

'Even the most bizarre requests,

'can be accommodated.

But surprises aren't always

'Sometimes we also get them

'invariably turning our little cosy

JOURNALIST: 'Hotel Babylon

'over non-existent content.

'If it's still here in a year,

'which is preferable

Shit.

THEME TUNE

Morning, Charlie.

You know, I've been taking

I take it you've all read this.

Good to see our shiny new PR's

Well, to be fair,

Alexander Crawfield didn't tell

Nobody spotted him

I've had half the maitre d's

All I'll say at the moment is

it's nothing really

A poor review...

One duff review

Just less people in our restaurant,

which is rapidly resembling

Come Valentine's night tomorrow,

holding hands

I've had worse evenings.

Sorry, but this is the one night

crappy February nights

It's Emily's job

Hi, are you still there?

Yeah.

The last time Crawfield awarded

that Asian fusion place in Chelsea

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

God, have you seen this?

ALL: Yes.

Oh. Good. Well, then,

with my thoughts

Chef problem?

When Alexander Crawfield says

that our steak is as tough

we have a problem with

Sous chef probably cooked it.

Well, then, we have a problem

who allowed it to be served.

Would you pass these round, please?

So, I've been talking to

and I think I have

Really? We bring in a celebrity chef

The figures make sense.

If you could all turn to page two,

This line is takings, and this is

This is the Burlington

The takings went up

Where did you get all of this from?

Let's just say I have a friend.

So, if we take away the money

for putting their name

plus the 25% they get on all takings

to do the actual cooking while

then our profit margin

..this.

Um, oh.

Sorry, it's, uh, still a bit rough

Well, thank you, Emily,

Thank you.

..however, we already have

that's been working here

And got the hotel

Adam's a talented chef,

and talented chefs

Charlie, Adam's been losing it

I'll be investigating

and I will have the situation

Is that understood?

Right. Well, tomorrow

so let's forget about the reviews

to make it great one for the hotel.

Anna, could you stay behind

Yeah, of course.

It's very sweet of Her Royal

for the duration of the tournament,

but I am afraid

Please pass on our apologies

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, madam.

I believe you have a booking

Sir Ralph and Lady Hamilton.

In town for Valentine's Day?

Ah, you're in

Your special requests

Excellent.

Oh, just one moment, madam.

Of course.

This week?

In the evenings, possibly after...

After...

Sir Ralph and Lady Hamilton

Good. Excellent.

Who?

The computer said you wanted

Yes, of course I did,

and you've done that.

And that's exactly

Right.

WHISPERS: Better get back

Uh, Charlie, what are you

Actually, I did want

They're phenomenally well-connected

and exactly the type of people

Actually, they normally stay

However, Anna,

and see to it that they have

before they've even finished

I think you're ready

seeing as though

You won't regret it.

SHE SQUEALS

Well, I hope so because I am.

60, madam? But you do not

Sweet boy.

The 60th birthday is Sir Ralph's.

Many happy returns, Sir Ralph.

Thank you, Ben,

Good morning,

I'm Anna Thornton Wilton,

and I shall be looking after you.

Wonderful.

Since when?

Since Charlie just asked me to,

So if I could take you

that is swiping a credit card.

Oh, by the way,

Oh, how do you do?

And will you be joining your parents

Joining us?

Is that your broomstick

Oh, how sweet.

I'm Charlie Edwards,

How do you do?

Can I say what a pleasure it is

Thank you. Quite an establishment

Well, thank you, sir.

Anything you want,

Anything?

Within reason, of course.

Great, thank you very much.

Adam. No, no, no.

You know we're gonna have to

There's nothing to talk about.

The most feared restaurant critic

has just royally kick our arses.

No, no, no. That is the problem.

I've got some problems at home

I wanna hear that

I wanna hear that this

Now, I'm under an immense amount

like this hotel has

OK, OK. Message received

Taking the piss isn't gonna help.

Where are the Valentine's menus?

Oh, come on.

Charlie, give me a break here.

Will you stop talking to me like

It wasn't so long ago

when you needed a 12 course

on top of a last minute wedding

Well, that was then,

I really, really need you to take

OK.

This review, it ruins business.

It puts the hotel

There's whispers of all sorts

Now, I'll deal with that,

the heat is most definitely on.

HE EXHALES

Nice to see someone's busy.

I'm managing six proposals, three

Well, we're about as popular

at a wet T-shirt competition.

Really? How many bookings you got?

Three!

Don't say it out loud,

Good morning. How can I help you?

Hi, there. William Jones

Here we are. A double with, um...

..twin beds.

Oh, OK.

We're abstainers.

Abstaining from?

We're saving ourselves

Love waits.

Of course it does.

Uh, room 235 on the second floor.

The lift's over there. Have a...

Peace be with you, brother.

And also with you.

Perfume.

If this is a code word,

you have to tell me

No. I just thought a bloke

might know what the latest smell

It's been ages

OK. For a bird?

A little bit more than a bird.

I spy with my little eye,

I don't know

MOBILE RINGS

Leave it with me.

Gino, I need a bottle

sent up to Sir Ralph and Lady

Pronto, Gino!

SHE GASPS

Otto Clark.

HE SCREAMS

What a pleasure it is to see you.

How...

FLUSTERED

I can't believe

Charlie, when are you going

Otto Clark single-handedly

I wasn't aware we were off the map.

Well, we're not off the map exactly,

but we're hardly

Publicity follows Otto around

Like WAGS at a football match.

Which is why I...

..asked him to drop by.

The cavalry, as they say

You must be Charlie. Otto Clark.

You've probably seen me

but don't be fooled.

Your reputation precedes you.

Well, the amount I pay my publicist,

I'm afraid you've had

I already have an executive chef.

Yes. He's the talk of the town.

I don't think that's fair.

Thank you, Emily.

I really don't need

Adam Price is excellent at his job.

Yes. Now, if you're not interested

having the critics salivating

well, then, I can only say

And this Adam Price

Arrivederci, sweetheart.

Maybe next time.

What?

Otto's Valentine's Day menu

The best man gets the job.

I'm sure Mr Clark has better things

On the contrary.

You're joking?

Look at this face.

You will eat my food, Charlie,

Roses, room 323, and lilies for 316.

Jesus, look. Porn stars, 12 o'clock.

Huh? Where?

The guy who looks like

and the girl

You sad old sexist.

Just because a girl has tits and

I don't think, Jackie. I know.

These days,

being plumbed by a plumber

I had no idea

Just because I'm a single mum

are bubble baths

Have you seen the porn stars?

OK, if he thinks they're porn stars,

You two are pathetic.

They look nothing like

Porn stars.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Yeah, there are three of us

Champagne.

Now, also...

Ooh, how delicious.

Oh, I'm afraid I'm on duty,

Giles, pour Anna a glass

Of course.

Thank you. Try not to let

Yes.

of ringing the Arden

Oh. Thank you.

Wonderful hotel, but for its spa.

They claim their deep cleansing mud

but I know for a fact

on the outskirts of Coventry.

Well, they told me

so I wondered if you'd prefer

That sounds perfect. Thank you.

You're wasted on reception.

Um, I also wanted to check

that you pre ordered.

Right down to the velvet box

I can hear you, Amelia.

She's going to ruin my surprise.

Well, I'm glad that

Such a treasure.

Not connected to the Surrey

Well, yes,

I knew it.

Do you see Bunny frequently?

Bunny. It's funny

we occasionally holiday

How marvellous.

We both adore to snorkel.

Bunny can hold her breath

whereas I can only manage

Hmm! Remarkable.

One year, I got my foot

What are we doing here exactly?

Learning that there is, after all,

We're here to lend Adam moral

hope that flash bastard

The smart money's on Otto,

because he's always doing

Well, I'm supporting Adam,

I'm supporting whoever

and bring heavy tippers

Hear, hear.

Yes.

Oh, that looks wonderful.

OK, talk me through this.

Well, we've got prawns

in baskets of a parsnip rosti,

with a tomato and cucumber coulis,

Sounds interesting. Otto?

It's a tuna carpaccio.

With ingredients this good,

Oh, absolutely.

BOTH: Mmm.

BOTH: Mmm!

BOTH: Mmm.

Mmm.

Well, a salmon fillet

with a dill and butter jus,

and croquette potatoes

Salmon looks good.

I'm a big fan of compote.

This, as you're probably aware,

Lobster ravioli

It's very famous

Mmm. Mmm!

Oh!

Salmon's good.

Oh, God!

Now, that's good.

Oh!

Both look great.

I think someone opened

when mine was cooking.

Mmm! What, um, is that meant to be?

It's a chocolate pot.

I'm sure. And yours, Otto,

I can tell on sight,

The lemons were flown in

I can smell

Gorgeous. Charlie,

Sure.

Well?

Chocolaty?

Mmm.

And now Otto's.

I must say, I'm really not

Mmm.

That is amazing.

You should get stuck into that. Mmm!

GROANS OF PLEASURE

I have to say that's good.

Oh, that should be illegal.

Oh, my God.

So, what do you think

As I was expecting, superb.

Good enough for tomorrow night?

Perhaps.

Eight years he's given this place.

Old Charlie would have said

I'm sorry, Adam.

And so is my wife, my children,

I'm not asking you to leave.

I'm saying stay

I'll need someone who can manage

You know the kitchens,

Fine. Fine.

Spare me

I said fine.

Fine means you

Fine means I'll eat shit

just as long as you

Psst.

I've been thinking.

What if the porno stars are actually

How many times do I have to say it?

I think I should do some

to find out if they actually

What undercover operation?

Research on the computer.

By which you mean

until you recognise them?

Yeah, I know, but I'm prepared

Right.

Oh, Anna, the pillows in the suite.

Yes, would you like some more?

No, they're filled

Yes.

Goose. Right, OK.

Thank you.

Thanks.

You know, I suddenly remembered,

Bunny Thornton Wilton was there

Really?

We'd broken down

so I tried flagging down

Suddenly, a Jaguar pulled

and out stepped Sir Ralph,

Bunny practically creamed herself.

Yes, well, Bunny always has been

Thousands drove by.

Within minutes, he had changed

Six weeks later, we were wed.

I came along almost nine months

Well, that can happen when you mix

with a four poster bed

THEY LAUGH

Pavlov's dog's

when it comes to a whiff

So, did you not think

Oh, I'd have loved more,

but after Giles, Sir Ralph's sperm

and that was that.

Sorry.

Don't be.

Oh.

Allow me.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Good evening, Lady Hamilton.

Oh. I trust everything's

Difficult to imagine

Anna?

I think you should get back

Ben's rushed off his feet.

Um, I thought you wanted me

OK.

Sorry, excuse me a moment.

If there's anything else

during the duration of your stay,

please do not hesitate

Of course, we will. Thank you.

See? I told you

Is live. I've been watching

Have you been doing this all night?

Yeah, it's been difficult,

but, you know,

Right.

Gino, we all know

it's a sprained wrist.

I knew the spray tan twosome

Can we tell if it's definitely

It's difficult to say.

Way, way too close.

This is not good.

Look where he's put his...

The last thing we need right now

Bloody hell.

The reverse cowgirl position.

A position to be attempted

Oh, so it has a name?

They all have names.

We need one of them

so we can be absolutely certain

Who needs faces when the body art

tells you everything

Boys, boys, boys.

Oh, it's not what it looks.

Tut, tut, tut.

Anna, we would very much

in our room tomorrow morning.

Anna?

Sorry.

Yes, no, everything's great.

Um, uh, you want breakfast

In my experience, a face like that

Either a man, or a man.

One moment

and the next he's being

But the thing...

And do you know why?

Because you didn't do anything.

It isn't you.

Because in the short time

I can see you're open, kind,.

and very, very lovely.

Yes, well, all I need now is a car

on the M25 so I can find

Look, why don't you help me

My monthly splurge

Oh, I couldn't.

If I don't spend it, he'll only have

Oh, we can't have that.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, boss. You know that perfume

Ladies find this very...

It doesn't look like I'm going to be

What, you gone off her already?

What a cock.

And I will personally guarantee

May I have

Good morning, everyone.

And for reasons

I am your new executive chef.

Do not make the mistake

I am the genial tit

I do the genial tit

for the profile it brings

I am all about the food

One begets the other.

And both of them begot me

My staff tend to call me

And if I see that you are no damn

and you will be asked

Now, I have taken the liberty

So, find a set that fits, quickly,

cos we have less than 12 hours

To do that, I need all hands

and all egos, except mine,

ALL: Yes, Chef.

LOUDER: Yes, Chef!

Better. Right. Let's get cooking.

So, he's here already?

In the biggest penis substitute

Who cares? Word's out already,

and my phone's dripping

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

Thank you very much.

From me to you.

Don't take this the wrong way,

but aren't Valentine's cards

Well, they are if they're serious,

Fun, guys, to elicit smiling.

Well, I'm happy because

I have the evidence here.

Ah, so which poor, deluded,

sent you that?

I have a sneak feeling that it is

Who? Katya?

She's fit, eh?

She's a lesbian.

Jackie, did you get any cards?

Just one,

WHISTLES

Anna?

No. No, not yet.

Charlie?

Here's one without a stamp.

Come on, who's that from?

Oh, bit of news.

I've managed to persuade

give the restaurant another shot.

When?

Tonight.

Talk about piling on the pressure.

Well, Alexander Crawfield

We make damn sure he gets

Looks like it's all hands

Well, my hands are reserved

What shopping?

Lady Amelia asked me to accompany

With Giles?

Can I go?

Enjoy.

Look, I know it's the shortest

but I have absolute faith

Well, with less than

and a kitchen full of lags

buckle yourselves in,

cos we're in for a shit storm.

Oh, for God's sake, Adam,

you know as well as I do

Christ, something just moved.

And that was for six people,

Actually, could you just hold

Yes, of course. Is that a table

It's curdled.

Yes, that was a table for six?

Yes, that's confirmed.

No. I have enough, darling.

All right.

Anna, this is for you.

What?

Oh, Lady Amelia.

Giles is a handsome chap,

but necklaces really

SHE GASPS

Oh, it's adorable.

As are you.

But I can't accept it.

No, as much as I would love to,

but thank you so much

You really are quite a remarkable

It's nice that someone notices.

Right then, where next?

Cocktails.

Bye now.

Excuse me, can you tell me

where I can find the nearest

I'm, uh, looking for some baby oil.

Baby oil?

Yeah, I know what baby oil is for.

Vaseline would be equally as good.

Oh, my God. Oh, uh, Jackie! Hi!

Can I borrow you for a second,

Um, Mr Arden here would like

Or Vaseline.

And please move this couple

Let me direct you

It's probably best

Can I be of any help?

We're just interested

at St George's, Hanover Square.

I'll find out and have the details

Bless you.

Phew!

A-ha! I see you two have been

I won't tell you how much

I bought Anna a beautiful necklace,

Oh, it fair restores my withering

Anna, why don't you join us

for a drink before dinner

Oh, no, I wouldn't want to intrude.

Oh, stop that.

Oh, OK!

That's the fourth time

And I'll continue to do so

It's perfect.

Veal has a delicate flavour

Bollocks.

It's a tendency of chefs

I have not lost the plot.

You had your chance and you blew it.

Now, I've got 175 covers

with my name over it.

Your job is to do as I tell you,

not to burn with resentment

Yes?

Yes.

Yes, Chef.

Screw you.

Action stations.

Ring Charlie and let him know.

It is such a pleasure to have

If there is anything you require,

you can be assured of my

Just a seat and a menu

Yes, of course.

Thank you for coming back

and giving us an opportunity

was an erroneous first impression.

Let's hope your golden boy can spin

Two disgusting dinners in a row

you won't be able to flog

Really?

I'm sure you'll find

Genius in the kitchen

must be matched by style

As I remember, last time the service

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Alexander, how are we tonight?

They must be hugging themselves

I hope you've left your fangs

Always keep a spare set on me.

One never knows quite how tough

Your menu, madam.

Sir. Excuse me.

You must try the lobster ravioli.

Oh, anything would be better

Oh, Alexander,

He only promised to try.

That's less a raviolo

I want them nice and tight.

Yes, Chef.

Tim, what are you doing?

If it's the second time,

it's eating the profits.

HE GULPS

And that goes for all of you.

ALL: Yes, Chef.

Unbelievable.

Ta da!

Mmm, nice. Why are you still here?

One has been invited

with Sir Ralph and Lady Amelia.

Mmm, lucky old one.

But not in my official capacity,

because they obviously recognise

You know, Gino and Tony

or at least they can certainly

It's for you.

Going somewhere nice?

I've got drinks with the Hamiltons.

Well, I hope the outfit pays off.

What do you mean?

OK, we've got nine tables seated

and Crawfield ready and waiting

Everything's under control.

Where is he?

No idea. Sulky bastard minced off

How come?

Because they can't face the truth.

Crawfield's table wants

and one tuna carpaccio.

I want one lobster and one tuna.

I want them quick,

ALL: Yes, Chef.

Sorry, Chef. It's the lobster!

RETCHING

How do you know it's the lobster?

It's the only thing

I'm sweating hot and cold

Seafood poisoning.

But how could it be off if it was

RETCHING

Lobster?

Bloody disaster.

RETCHING

Little shit.

He's used the lobster that should

Hold on a second...

Your grill jockey

and this entire hotel

Hang on.

James.

SLOWED DOWN: Oh, God!

Didn't I tell you that

HE SIGHS

I promise it will be worth the wait.

God Almighty could zap through

and it wouldn't be worth

In case you need telling,

Three men down, and seven minutes

before the customers

This is where you earn

ALL: Yes, Chef!

You, sauce. You, new lobster.

Have you ever made pasta?

From scratch?

You, show him how.

Hello?

"All that glisters is not gold,

"Stay pure, sweet Anna. Lady A."

Thank you very much.

Come again soon.

All set, Daddy?

Do me a favour.

Oh, I think I can help you

Oh, can't you two wait?

You know your trouble, Derek?

You worry too much

Ha, bloody ha.

Have they gone?

The Hamiltons.

Why?

Because I think

Their room is empty. Everything they

All the shopping. Everything.

Oh, the credit card slip!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

How am I gonna tell Charlie?

Give me that!

Have you heard the rumour

has checked into rehab?

Please stay.

I said rare.

Nearly there. Ah-ah-ah.

Go. Go!

Running, running, running. Running.

Your starter, sir.

Thank you.

And I am terribly sorry

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Perhaps this was worth the wait.

How's your carpaccio?

Oh, good.

You are just going to laugh

the Hamiltons

and how they ripped off the hotel

to the tune of approximately

They've done what?

Ripped off the hotel to the tune

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

See? You're not laughing.

Everything they bought

and they've packed their bags

Oh, they did leave this, though.

Lady Amelia wanted me to have it,

I think it's worth £4,000.

So I've only got to explain

why I need to write off £41,000.

Well, actually, they tipped Ben

so it's £40,950.

You checked their card.

it was cloned shortly

and now it's blocked.

Didn't you notice

No, because they were

I was conned.

Or were you so taken in by Giles

that you didn't look

You told me to look after them.

Working it, more like.

Screw you.

He likes it. He likes it!

CHEERING

Well done.

Crawfield likes us.

That's great, James. Really great.

Are you sure this is the room?

MOANING

OK, well, we've rumbled them.

You mean we have to

Catch who at what?

Would you mind keeping

Those two that you swore

are making porn

Come on, listen.

I can't hear anything.

MAN GROANS

20 quid says you're wrong.

Make it 50 and you've got a bet.

I've had a tougher time

I want to thank you for your help.

Mate, the thanks are all mine.

I've seen a lot of stuff

but I've never seen anyone coming

Well, Emily said it would be

Thank Christ you were up to it.

No news on Adam, then?

Chef? Have you got your big carver?

What?

You don't think he's gonna

After what he did to my lobster,

Otto, that's a joke.

That's your choice, Charlie.

He could be anywhere.

Well, we better start looking

Where's Otto?

Crawfield is about to leave

EXASPERATED SIGH

Otto?

Adam?

Otto?

Otto? Otto?

Otto?

Oh, God.

Look who it is.

The Wicked Witch of the North,

Adam?

What the hell?

He's been drinking.

I'm so sorry about the ravioli,

We stopped them going out.

Shame.

Adam.

Shut up, Otto.

I've lost everything, Charlie.

My job, my wife. Kids.

Adam.

Otto really could have done with you

You've had a bit of bad luck,

And this hotel needs good chefs.

I'm good. He's better.

All right, he's better. So what?

You think I'm not aware

the shadow of more experienced

It spurs me on to be as good as them

I don't know what to do.

Now, listen. I never sacked you.

I just need you

to get your head together.

When you're better,

We are so sorry.

One way of putting it.

Can I just say what a genuinely

Coming from you that means a great

And you, darling,

Thank you.

Thank you for this.

Anything for my gorgeous

SHE SIGHS

Are you absolutely sure about this,

Have you got that 50 quid

Why does it always have to be me?

Hey, I would love to do it, eh,

Anyway. You're the youngest,

Uh, well, I'm not swinging down.

Come on, stop whining like a little

Gino. Tony. Jackie!

Ah!

SHE GROANS

HE GROANS

Ahh!

50 quid! 50 quid.

I cannot believe I didn't know

that there was a bodybuilding

It's your job

Don't tell me standards are

Haven't you heard?

Smugness is a very unattractive

Hmm.

You call yourself a five-star hotel?

Sir, madam, please accept my apology

Whereas humble pie is exactly

You are the worst winner I've ever

Well, if you'd listened

You knew all along, didn't you?

Don't know, Tony.

Call it a woman's intuition.

I call it a rip-off.

'Cashing in on Cupid

'The romantic illusion punters

'Sometimes the tricks we pull

'come at a price.'

'Passing off romance

'Making you think it's gonna be

'The cold truth is that there are

'that can come between you

Anna, I'm sorry.

They were professionals, Charlie.

And you didn't spot them either.

If I wasn't...

If I wasn't so busy

I'm sorry.

This is too difficult.

You, me, this place,

It's making me unhappy,

So, um, I'm gonna hand

Well, I won't accept it.

Now, that I didn't expect.

It certainly gives new meaning

The Lord really does move

So you're stalking me now,

I know which way you walk home.

Charlie...

As far as the insurance

we'll just say that

You deserve it.

Just as I thought.