Original subtitles

CHARLIES: 'London Town,

'are won and lost

'Where you can be

'and the king of the castle

'When is a hotel not a hotel?

'Hey presto!

'a Grand Prix victory celebration,

'or the perfect venue

'your new range

'for cash-strapped girls

'For the right price, we'll turn

APPLAUSE

'So if you've worked up an appetite

'and want a three-course lunch

'a fifth of a carrot and a glass

'no problem.

'If you want to celebrate with

'no problem.

'After the show, if you want a bath

'No questions asked,

'except do you want it

'In many ways, fashion and hotels

Ugh! Look at them all,

Yes, but are they beautiful

When they look that good

'We're both glamorous,

'and all about the money.'

It's Christopher Price.

Who?

He is the only man who can make me

Without De Rigeur,

whether I left my flat at night.

Let me make it easy for you.

'In the hotel business,

'the unwritten rule is that

'And yet sometimes, just sometimes,

'to stand up and be counted.'

'At such moments, the unwritten rule

'..for what does it profit a man

'and lose his own soul?'

THEME TUNE

Oh, my God! It's the Astrix dress.

Gorgeous. Go.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

So this is what you call

I couldn't resist

what I'm gonna be wearing

Are you gonna return to reception

or have we lost you forever?

You know, when I was a girl,

people were forever telling

So, Tony, which show do you think

Les Mis or Phantom of the Opera?

Well, I think that madam would find

Oh, sweet Jesus! That is so cute.

What?

Most agreeable.

One more time.

I officially turn 40 years old.

I beg you, please don't let this be

the prevailing memory

Happy birthday!

I'm expecting a courier parcel

When it arrives,

Ooh, a new top secret design,

incorporating De Rigeur's

bringing the show

Just call me

Yes, sir.

Sir!

SHE GIGGLES

that it says here that you're

And? And, well, this is gonna sound

but your Astrix dress...

It's going to be huge.

And I was just wondering if

of being able to get my hands

You want me to find you an Astrix?

To be one of the first women

I can't tell you what it'd be

It would feel utterly amazing.

I will pay for it, of course.

You don't want one of those dresses.

No, you don't.

Look, just call me

Time for a management meeting.

What?

Bloody hell.

That would explain it.

Why he's polishing her teeth

So, come on, Gino, we're all

Well, I read that Vladimir Putin,

So I think I learn judo.

What did they do?

No. They put me in with the kids.

So, what? A kid did it?

I'm sweating, so I take a shower,

smash my arm on the tap.

ALL: Surprise!

# Happy birthday to you.

# Happy birthday, dear Tony... #

# Happy birthday to you. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Happy birthday, Tony.

Sorry I'm late. I had an early

Oh, you poor thing.

Happy birthday, Tony.

We got you a present.

Ah, I think I know what that is.

After all,

And what might that be?

Digital radio, so I can listen to

Oh.

It's a ledger.

Yeah, so you can write down

Yeah. All my little errands.

Yes. That's great. Thank you.

Thanks very much.

because the older I get, you know,

What we thought.

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good... #

Shut up, Gino.

APPLAUSE

All set for

Well, who would argue

hasn't been the dog's bollocks

Financially,

The only way that counts.

But doesn't there come a point

to consider precisely how we're

Everything in our garden

Why do you have to come along,

unzip your excellently tailored

Look, this issue doesn't have to be

Handled properly,

A tenner says whoever came up

was never answerable

COMPERE: 'Ladies and gentlemen,

'please put your hands together

'chairman and CEO of De Rigeur Ltd,

APPLAUSE

OK, item two on the agenda.

Jury from the Old Bailey.

They're unable to reach a verdict

so they're gonna stay in the hotel

They'll be booking

the West London Aquarium

The court's requested just

for the duration of their stay.

Tony?

Oh, come on, it's his 40th.

Yeah, I'm sure he's already

Well, I never really

Your wife's probably planning

as soon as you get home.

Well, if she has,

But wouldn't she anyway

Then it wouldn't be a surprise.

Well, maybe the surprise is

Maybe the surprise is what the

Have you had a stroke?

Why don't we call her and find out?

Charlie, that's really unfair.

Sorry, but this could be the start

It's really important that

It's OK, fine.

OK. Item three.

Tonight's banquet for De Rigeur's

Well, once they've de-rigged

we can move in and turn the room

Meanwhile, Adam's well underway

Good, good. I take it you've got

Silver service to a gold standard.

Did you make that up yourself?

Well?

Erm, nothing planned.

Tone, the job's yours

Quadruple pay, I hasten to add.

One for each decade.

Right, I'm gonna get to work.

Thanks.

WHEELS SQUEAK

Welcome to Hotel Babylon, madam.

My wheel's broken.

Well, I could fix that for you

faster than the Lewis Hamilton

No idea what you're talking about,

but does that mean you can fix

Round here they call me the Spanner.

At my old school, that wouldn't

Perhaps if madam removed her gum...

she would be able to taste that the

I don't wanna talk to you any more.

Yeah, almost there.

You know, the President of Russia

is a big fan of judo as well,

so when he come over to London,

he give me the call

Chewing gum stuck in there...

As if by magic.

WHEELS SQUEAK

Thank you, madam.

Everything OK, Mr Price?

I was just wanting to say how well

to switch from the Burlington

Well, I'm very pleased to hear that.

And assuming tonight's dinner

You have my word on it.

Then in addition

we'll switch all our events

as a matter of course.

Word will spread about

I have a lot of the right kind

I look forward to welcoming them

MOBILE RINGS

Yes.

Jury is due in two minutes.

I'll just give this to Anna.

I want you to be here to meet

All right.

HE SIGHS

So there's your room key.

If you take the lift to the sixth

Thank you, Anna.

CASE WHEELS SQUEAK

This has been delivered

Ooh, I've been personally asked

and then call him on his mobile

Well, it's arrived.

Mr Duncan.

My DVD.

Look, if I was unpleasant earlier,

I'm under a lot of pressure.

Oh, no need to apologise.

Well, not literally,

Hang on.

You didn't get this from me,

but, let me guess,

I don't know what to say.

Trust me, there's nothing

Look, if you want it, take it.

Thank you.

Ben, 13 members

Aquarium.

13 members of the

Association.

13 members of the West London

to check in please.

Certainly, sir.

Cheers.

Does it really not bother you

on the exploitation of a workforce

We pay the minimum wage

That's all anyone needs to know.

No. We pay our

to pay the workers minimum wage,

They dole out corn feed

I make high fashion for the high

This isn't a fair world and,

I'm not bloody Michael Moore.

Look, this is a DVD of secret

taken by an NGO in the region.

Our trademark tiny buttons are being

David, there are people on the pay

I have it on record

get one toilet break

If they ask for food,

This is too big for PR to swallow.

If this gets out,

would sooner wear rags

So please, watch the DVD.

You seriously think I've got nothing

LIFT BELL DINGS

Sixth floor.

OK, OK. It's not

Thanks.

Thank you.

at having to stay here for

It's hardly your fault.

You can let go of me now.

Oh, my God. I'm very, very sorry.

No apology necessary or required.

I'm Tony, by the way,

Justine.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Who is it?

Just a minute.

Oh, you're not Tony.

Well, I didn't order

It's on the house.

Enjoy.

SHE SIGHS

Erm... A white wine, please.

SHE EXHALES

Concierge.

Hello.

Hello, Justine.

What? Hang on, I'll check for you.

Yes. I can confirm that it is me.

What's the name of the alias

Erm...

Association.

Tony, I need you to come up

What for?

Because I need you. Now.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

SHE SIGHS

Everything OK?

You don't look fine.

I mean, you do look fine,

if I may be so Italian.

In fact, the last person to look

My grandmother,

Oh. What happened?

Well, she was taking

along the cliff tops near Sorrento.

She throw a stick for him to fetch.

Unfortunately, the stick was caught

and it went over

Determined to catch the stick,

Oh, that's a terrible story.

They found Benito.

No. He washed up on the shore

all broken and no eyes.

SHE GASPS

In his last moments, just before,

little Benito must have been

Oh.

I'm just under a lot of pressure

Oh, what work do you do?

Oh, I'm a journalist.

I'm doing a piece

people get up to in the workplace.

But everyone I've spoken to

is too scared to reveal

OK, look. Because you have

I will tell you a little secret.

Vote not guilty tomorrow

in the following bank account.

What's all this about?

I can see that, but why you?

Nine of the jurors voted guilty,

I think he's probably guilty,

but there's not enough evidence

The reason we're staying

is because I can't make up my mind.

Well, if you think

you got to say not guilty.

No majority verdict, the case

and a possible murderer walks free.

I don't think I can live

Well, obviously this 500,000 is

What do I do?

I'm merely here to serve,

Come on, Tony, help me.

What are you doing?

I'm helping you by giving you

There.

A lesser man would've just

Drink.

OK, now what?

OK, before you do anything

Be careful.

I'm only gonna check my computer.

Well, don't delete

TV IN BACKGROUND

Charlie, can I talk to you?

What do you know about De Rigeur?

Only what I needed to to woo

What, so you don't know anything

or their treatment of the workforce?

You know that package

Apparently, it's secret footage

Hang on.

James, I managed to get hold

He's gonna give us

at the Moet price

Keep this up and we'll have

Charlie...

You really need to stop listening

Charlie, no-one loves their clothes

so I don't take this lightly

when I say I think you need

Anna, I can't do this with you any

and I'm not gonna jeopardise

I get it.

Winning this from the Burlington

Not just for me,

I know I'm the last person you'd

Absolutely the very last.

Now, I have to go

And if you take a look down.

You'll see you're wearing a uniform,

which means you have to go

Looking for something

What?

Paris Hilton having sex for money?

I'm checking the weather, Gino.

But you work inside all day.

Yeah, but I like to know

I gotta give the guests advice,

You take this job way too seriously,

Jesus H Christ and the disciples.

Even if any of what you say is true,

phenomenally good money, to stay.

My job is to manage the hotel, Anna,

not make moral judgment

That was spoken like a true whore.

I trust you'll take that back

Where would you draw the line,

Who would you be prepared

What, a South London villain? Na.

A corrupt stockbroker?

Arms dealer? Doubt it.

Murderer? Why would you?

If you found out

was a child abuser,

Have you gone completely mad?

Christopher Price is knowingly

to be abused in his name.

Jesus Christ, Anna.

Well, if it's true, why not?

Mr Edwards.

I need to speak with you.

Of course.

PEN DINGS

May I take your order?

Today, half a dozen Swedish oysters,

Sounds marvellous.

And to drink?

What would you recommend?

May I suggest a bottle

SHE SPEAKS FRENCH

Merci, madame. Mon plaisir.

THEY CHUCKLE

But don't go swapping the labels

Madam, please.

There isn't a sommelier

I'm not offended that you think

I'm offended that you think

to someone of your obvious

Oh.

So...

..what is the greatest vintage wine

Well...

..that would have to be

from some ghastly soap actor

"The most expensive bottle

You swapped the labels.

I'm afraid I did a little more

Oh, wickedness.

THEY LAUGH

Mr Duncan, what's going on?

I'm being escorted from

Anna.

Price has just informed me

that David Duncan's been sacked

He wants him off

Well, that just proves

He's watched the film,

and rather than act against

he's acted against the person

Please. Can you just...

to be known as the venue choice

you have to do something about this.

'More often than not, the moment

'and do the right thing

'by fanfare or blinding light.

'More often than not,

'That look is a question.

'The question is,

'"Or are you something less?"'

'We recognise the question

'"Am I the person I thought I was

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who is it?

If it's really Tony,

Well?

You're not gonna believe this.

It's true?

If you vote not guilty,

whatever it is you're worth now,

Of course,

Of course not.

You're going to report it

Of course I am.

Well, 40 years, you think you've

You're not 40.

No. You're working

I was needed, so I offered.

Your wife didn't insist that

You would have thought so.

Er, I'd better get back to work.

My understanding was

Well, you've got my number.

If you need anything,

I'm sure I'll think of something.

Bloody hell.

Gentlemen.

How are we?

I really can't do this cloak

I'm not asking you to do it.

I'm just asking you to stand guard

Which makes me an accomplice.

Which makes you a man of conscience.

All we need to do is take the DVD

Please, Charlie.

OK.

If I knock three times,

Right. See, it's all coming

SHE OPENS DOOR

Take the lift to the fifth floor

Can I help you, madam?

Why? I'm a journalist

doing an expose on the way

treat lower grade staff

Pass me a map of London's

and pretend we're having

I'm not lower grade staff.

Now randomly point to various

Which Sunday tabloid

Oh, I didn't,

Question number one.

What's the worst name

by an irate guest in this hotel?

Lady, I'm Black, I'm gay.

HE LAUGHS

Right.

Where are you?

Ew!

KNOCK ON DOOR,

Oh.

Ah, Mr Price. Good evening.

that everything was

Not a fork out of place.

Excellent. Just a quick thing.

You're giving a speech tonight,

My job to keep the troops happy.

THEY TALK IN BACKGROUND

Golf! No, it's snooker

No, I have a little maxim

I absolutely love maxims.

After lunch, sleep a while.

If you don't mind, I'm gonna make

After lunch...

After dinner, walk a mile.

I'm gonna use that.

Churchill fought a war on it.

Of course.

You could've been caught.

If there's one thing I can do better

it's hiding in a guest's room

That's not a good thing, you know.

Charlie, if this contains

you've gotta promise me

Let's just see it first.

No. Promise me you'll do something.

I promise.

If it's as damning as you say it is,

Thank you.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello.

If we hungry,

but we fold foil over

but that's really nothing.

What's going on?

What?

for Caterer and Hotel Keeper

about the rise in theft from hotels.

Not on her time, you're not.

But I didn't tell her about

Tried to steal plasma television

to her husband in a van below...

Rope snapped, van dead.

I don't want to get anyone

but I find that

usually elicits more candour than

I'm Emily James, by the way.

You might've seen my byline

I don't read it.

PHONE RINGS

'# Happy birthday, Mr Concierge

'# Happy birthday to you. #'

Thank you very much.

'Well, don't thank me, Tony, until

So I'm behind the bar

I can detect a lady in distress

So can a great white shark.

The final outcome for the woman

And I think,

So, I tell her the story

You know, when he jump

Oh, how she must have laughed.

Yeah, she did actually.

And, well, boys and girls,

and knock on the door,

She spoke to you about your job?

Yeah, mainly about my job and

That's funny.

A woman spoke to me about my job.

So?

and what I might do

With me, it was how much they steal

I told her about the time I had some

to see if an obnoxious customer

You think all of these women

..the same woman?

So, who is she, then?

I don't know,

Hm.

Ooh!

Mr Duncan, thank you

It was either or clearing out

We saw the film.

It's a long story,

and we'd like to help you try and

But how?

Stage one.

Perfect.

What we saw in the film is wrong,

so if this is how to stop that,

I've spoken to the banqueting

Anybody asks, you're a temp

Won't people know

when I drop food everywhere?

He's thought of that.

Stage two.

All you need to remember is

..and you take away from the right.

Serve from the left,

And the secret

Well, there really is no secret,

and look as if you're passionate

But not too passionate cos

an unnatural attraction to food.

Right, I don't know how to do

Stage three.

Ah, bingo.

Ten minutes' practice, you'll be

Good luck.

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Justine?

Justine?

I thought a birthday celebration

Well, I've heard people describe

but I always thought they just

I truly don't know what to say,

My pleasure.

No-one has ever done anything

Let's have a toast.

Well, actually I've only been

The business of life, Tony.

Happy birthday.

That was...

Well, I was going to say very nice.

Well, if it was very nice then...

..how about this?

Service.

Service.

That's good. Just keep it even.

Good luck.

You bloody idiot!

Do you know how much

I can't apologise enough.

We will, of course, have everything

That's being taken out your wages.

Maybe I can take you

What did your clerk

I have a question for you first.

Am I having a lovely time?

Cheers.

No. My question was, what would you

That's a good question.

I would move to Brazil,

within about five minutes'

Me, too. I'd go to South America.

Cuba.

Well, technically speaking,

but it's the same neck

Great boxers, wonderful cigars,

I would love to learn to salsa.

Or a salsa school.

In Rio, everyone can dance.

With half a million quid behind us.

Let's do it.

Are you serious?

Well, I've got

Go on.

Sort of haven't told the clerk

You sort of haven't?

Well, I just couldn't get

that I was probably going to vote

So why not just do it

at the same time.

Life's frighteningly short, Tony.

You know, fate offers up

Well, it never offers them up to me.

Which day?

Tomorrow.

I'm gonna vote not guilty,

and I'm gonna live the dream

If you make it Rio,

Really?

Well, life begins at 40 and I am 40.

I wanna live my life for once.

..not just exist

This isn't just the drink talking?

Well, if it is,

To Rio.

SHE GIGGLES

I'm so excited!

Shall we go inside?

Why don't we sit out here

Friends. What a year!

People often come up and ask me,

"How come you can sell your clothes

I say, "Mind your own business.

Our pre-eminence is not by fluke.

We have outflanked our competitors

We have built our success

by sticking to the basic principles

giving people what they want.

Now, look for a moment, if you will,

at what is making you

What the hell is that?

That is our factory.

Earlier this afternoon I was fired

about this abomination.

You have no authority

Let him speak.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is

its wonderful designs so cheaply.

This man was sacked this afternoon,

because he threatens

We've all heard the rumours

hoped they weren't true,

It's time to face the fact...

Don't listen to him,

..it isn't built from the ground up

but on the shoulders

so young that they can...

but they can't yet read and write.

If you want profit at any cost,

then sit there

just like you did last year

But we can do this the right way.

Make a stand right here, right now.

This man is an arsehole.

He snuck in here like a rat

to give you a sob story...

Sit down. I order you to sit down.

How much have I given to you?

I have blessed

with wealth beyond

Come back here, you bastards!

Come back here and listen to me!

Charlie!

CHARLIE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Choose the difficult right

That's not Churchill, my old mum.

I want you out of my hotel

Can I say something?

Not right now.

Cos that really hurt my hand.

What time is it?

What are you doing?

Wondering how long it takes

Not long.

Thank you for staying.

Hi.

If you want the real deal

I hope you enjoyed your stay.

Enjoyment was hardly the point,

Mr Price.

As you ceased to be a part

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you

If you'd like to step this way.

I had a lovely time last night.

Come along. Justice awaits.

I'll see you at noon.

Tony, this arrived for you last

Yeah, I was... I was busy upstairs.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Can I get you a cab, sir?

Very well. Have a nice day.

Where are you taking me exactly?

In here?

Jackie and friends.

Who are you

The truth?

I'm not a journalist.

I didn't ask you what you're not.

I'm your new

My what?

All the very top hotels have them.

but when I take on a new project,

and see how the land really lies,

and what the people who plough

And what are we really like?

Taking this hotel to the next level

Pull another stunt like this and I

We'd like your tape recorder.

Oh, no, I shan't use

if that's what you're worried about.

That's reassuring.

Fine.

OK, we can delete...

I was going to reveal my identity

In my defence,

Big deal.

I don't appreciate

We're a team, Miss James.

We trust one another,

After your little display, I wonder

HE SNORTS

I know you think you don't need me,

I can show you how to handle

without resorting to fisticuffs.

Off you go.

'Most of the time

'focusing only

'But every now and again

'and demands that we look up

Thank you.

You're a good man, Charlie.

Soon. Not now, but soon.

I'll hold you to that.

'In the past,

'on providing whatever you want,

'but that was then and this is now.'

Best present in the world.

Me, you and the kids at the Emirates

I couldn't think of anything better.

'You must have thought

No, I loved that it was a surprise.

Thinking you lot didn't care

when I saw how much you did.

'I'm so pleased.'

I gotta go, love.

'OK, see you later, yeah?'

'I love you.'

'We all love you very much.'

Yeah, very much.

The boss is coming?

Oh, yeah?

Everything changes, Tone,

Well, that's way too deep for me,

Well, that's because

I wanted to say thank you

Above and beyond the call of duty.

No problem.

Getting old?!

Cheeky sod.