All language subtitles for For.A.Good.Time.Call....2012.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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CHARLIE: I like these
sheets that you bought.

LAUREN: Yeah,
they're so soft.

What's the thread count?

800.

(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)
No shit.

Feels good.
Yeah.

(EXHALES)

You're so sexy.

You're sexy, too.

Thanks.
Welcome.

I love you.
I love you more.

(WATER RUNNING)

(SPITS)

Um...

So I forgot to
tell you Weiner can't do
the Rome office stint,

so it looks like
I'm going to Italy
for the summer.

Italy.

And therefore, I think
that this is a good time

for us to evaluate
our relationship.

Really?

(STAMMERING) Honey,
I'm not proposing.

I'm evaluating and
after my evaluation,

I've realized that we're
both ignoring something
really obvious here.

We always go to Sarabeth's
for brunch on Sunday,

we switched from sour cream
to Greek yogurt together,

you wear your bra
when we're having sex.

Look at the fucking pajamas
that we're wearing.

I am saying
that we are boring.

That I am bored,

that I am, like,
crazy-out-of-my-mind bored.

The most exciting part
of the sex that we just had

was when my penis was
chafed by your NuvaRing.

We can spice things up.
How about a blowjob
in the bathroom?

No, Lauren, stop it.
Just stop it.
I was just inside of you.

No...
Okay, okay.

This is us.
We could fix this.

(SNIFFLES)
We could fix this, okay?

Lauren, let's just talk
when I get back, okay?

We'll have had some
distance, and you'll have
moved out of this place.

This is my home.
I've lived here
for two years.

Lauren, I tried
to tell you.

When?

Last month

when we were walking
through the West Village
and I said to you,

"It's not for me,
but I could so see
you living here."

I should pack.

I'll just start
in the kitchen.

Lauren...

You're sitting on
my phone, I think.

Thanks.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

Hi, can I please get
some fried dumplings

and an order of
orange chicken?

That'll be how long?

Okay, see you
in 20 minutes. Bye.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

And who may
I ask is calling?

Hey, it's me,
your pathetic

29-year-old
intern friend.

(LAUGHS DRYLY) Well,
there's always a spot
for you at Happy Nails.

Never. I would never...
Comedy? You wanna
see some comedy?

Never. I would never
consider working there
in a million years.

Are you kidding?
For one thing,
I'm not Asian enough.

Here you go, comedy.

(SIGHS) What's up?
You called. Comedy?

Yes, I made you more fliers.
Are you ever gonna
let me see your show?

I would consider
letting you go in never,

but I will meet
you at Shake Shack
in 20 minutes.

I can't.
I'm sexercising.

And this place is
full of windows...

Hello! Excuse me?
...gets lots of light.

I'm being robbed.
Got to go, bye.

Look at this nice,
long hallway.

As a matter of fact,
why don't you go
look in the living room?

Great crown molding,
a view of Gramercy Park.

Yeah, my view
is beautiful.

What the hell, man?
I live here.

You cannot just drop
in on me like this.

I told you 60 days ago

that this building
was no longer

going to be rent-controlled
as of June 1st.

And I told you
that this is my
grandmother's apartment

and I've lived here
for five years

and Gram doesn't want me
moving her things.

All right, hey,
why don't you just
give me another month

so I can get
my book advance, okay?

You're writing a book?

Not at this exact second,
but I have a lot of ideas.

You've got
four days, Katie.

If you can't pay,
you've got to move on,

or find a damn roommate.

Hey, what
do you think?

All right, let's go.
Come on.

That's fine!
Have fun with my
grandmother's ghost.

She talks in her sleep
about the Holocaust!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, honey,
you have to stop pouting

because now
you're depressing me,
you're depressing Zelda,

you're just
creating this, like,

pea soup of depression
in this room.

Look at her.

She has a permanent
frown-y face, okay?

It's not her face.
It's her energy.

Her energy is so off
and Tuesday's
her favorite day.

I don't care.
I'm the one
who just found out

that my person is
no longer my person.

Look, look, I haven't
said anything before

because I like to
be a good friend

and I don't wanna
be judgmental,

but right now,
I'm gonna drop
a real bomb on you

so I'm glad
you're sitting down.

Charlie is boring.

Sorry,
everyone talks about it,
no one says it to you.

He is boring.

It's a struggle to
have a 20-second
conversation with him.

And you know what else?

He always seems like
he's kind of looking
for a better deal.

I'm sorry.

I'm a great deal.

Honey, oh, my God,
I know that.
Of course, you are.

You're my favorite.
You're the best
deal in the world.

You're like
a Subway gift card.

But then why would he go
all the way over to
Italy without you, huh?

To what? To shack up
with some woman
named Catalina

who has perfect
teardrop breasts

and a nice Sicilian bush
that smells like lavender,

and she makes her
own pesto sauce?

I'm sorry.

I don't even know
why we're packing.

I can't afford
an apartment by myself
in this city.

I've a place for you.

Where?

Before I tell you,
you have to promise me

that you'll keep
an open mind

and let Uncle Jesse
take care of you.

LAUREN: Keep talking.

JESSE: Okay, remember Monica
and Rachel's apartment?

Of course, you do.

This one makes that one
look like a fucking shoebox,

and bonus,
it overlooks Zelda's

third favorite park
in the world, Gramercy.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(GASPS)

You.

You!

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
JESSE: Come on. Please?

You sure you don't
wanna come inside?
There's a keg!

Come on,
it'll be like high
school with no curfew.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Hey, could you bum
a cigarette off me?

He'll be here.

Good, yeah.
(CHUCKLING) What more
do you want?

Jesse!

(SINGING) I want to
Macarena with you
Jesse, Jesse, Jesse

Oh, yeah, girl.

That's the girl Katie
I told you about

from my
Religious Studies class.

She's the bomb.
She's so cool and smart.
I wanna be friends with her.

KATIE: Hey,
Jesse Lawson! Yeah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

(BABBLING NONSENSICALLY)

Stop showing your body
to everybody.

I wanna show you my body!

No, no.
This is my friend,
Drunky McGee.

This is my friend,
Lauren. She's gonna
drive you home, okay?

Please, please, please?
KATIE: Yes.

She's on the way,
she's right
near your dorm.

KATIE: I'm gonna beat you!

JESSE: Okay,
you're gonna beat me!

Please? Just so
she doesn't get
date-raped by somebody.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

How was the party?

Well, these two guys
were totally

fighting over me
and I was like,

"Listen, you guys,
I can't blow both of
you at the same time!

"Fuck off!"
You know what I mean?

Anyways,
what'd you do tonight?

I'm just gonna
watch some Felicity.

I hate British people.

Are you sure we're
going the right way?

(GASPS)
Is this yours?

Yeah. Sorry,
I think it's empty.

Perfect.
I'm just gonna borrow it.

(URINATING)
Stop! This is my new car!

It was
a graduation present!

I do this all the time.
Just shh, shh!

(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Ta-da! See,
no spills at all!

(BOTH GASPING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Get out.

But it's scary here.

Get out of my car!
I hate you!

(DOG BARKING)

Why don't you
just chill out!

Urine is sterile!

Hi! Come on in!
Come here. You're
gonna love it.

Move. Get in here.

What are you thinking?
I can't live with her!

You know, I totally
don't appreciate
surprises, Jesse.

Close, close,
close, close
and open sesame!

(EXHALES)

Wow.

Incredible, right?
Could you die?

Literally,
could you die?

Hardwood floors,
the windows, Gramercy Park
is right out there

and it's
a historical landmark.

Katie's grandmother
got this place in the '40s.

She was a knitting maven.

Oh. And a stripper,
too, I see.
What is that?

You don't need to
judge my bubbie.

Honey, no one's
judging anybody's bubbie.

(SIGHS)
You know what?

Katherine, why don't
you tell Lauren a little
bit about the place?

I'm gonna go
get some Monster
because I'm a little...

Look at me, I'm shaking.
I'm a little low energy.

I'll be right back, okay?
You want some lo mein?

You wanna finish it off?
No.

Okay. I'll throw it away
or put it in the fridge?

I don't care.
Okay.

Well, this is
an apartment.

I'm sure you're familiar with
what that is structurally.

This is a living room.
That's a dining room.

There's a chair.
That's a lamp.

Grandma,
and down the hall
is my room.

That's private
because I'm
a very private person

and across the hall
is Bubbie's room.

She died in there.

Let's go see your bedroom.
Come on. Come on.

Don't go in my room!
I said it was private!

JESSE: And you can hang
all your pictures.

Okay, now don't
mind the odor.
It's a bit pungent.

That's Bubbie.
She's still lingering,

but that'll be gone.
It'll be dissipated.

Look at this, though.
Look at this personal space.

Invaluable in New York,
right? This is
a bedroom, or is it?

Or is it a dance studio?
I don't know,
there's so much space here.

I mean,
can you believe this?
And the closet space?

Forget the windows,
the windows with
the light coming in.

It's like living
on the sun!

These hardwood floors,

if there was a knot
in the floor big enough
for my ding-dong,

I would fuck
the shit out of them.

Good. Good.
How could you trick me?
You know I hate her.

'Cause you need
a place to stay
and she needs a roommate.

(GROANS)
I don't want to.

I know.

Fine. Okay.
Okay.

The place is amazing.
You're right, okay?
Right?

Yes, the windows are huge,
the floors are lovely, okay?

What is that?
Is that a pedicure chair?

It is for my back.

Okay, it's for her back.
She's got a bad back.

What is all this shit?
I don't know.

Stop touching
Bubbie's things!

Okay, you, you,
let's go, outside.

Don't touch it!

In the hallway.

Conference,
family conference.
Get over here.

Yeah, I know, pouting!
We're gonna take a walk.

Bitch one and bitch two,
go. I need a minute
of your time, okay?

A minute where
you are just neutral

and you're not
judging each other

and you're not holding
onto all this shit.

Close your eyes,
close your eyes.
Open your hearts, please.

Indulge me. Please.

Oh, god bless you!
Thank you, Katherine.

You guys, together,

could take this place
from nursing home

to "let's nurse
some cocktails
at home," right?

I'm talking about a trip
to Design Within Reach
led by Lauren,

I'm talking about
cool street-art
done by Katie,

I'm talking about
getting rid of that
floral print monstrosity,

taking it outside,
pissing on it
and burning it,

and then you know what,
we'll replace it
with something simple,

something from Crate & Barrel,
I don't know.

Now, I want you
to open your eyes
on the count of three.

And I want you to
see your new home.

And I don't want you to
thank me right away,

but over time, yes,
I think I'm owed
a little thanks.

One, two, three.

I release you.

It does sound like
a nice place to live.

Yeah, almost as nice as that
neighborhood you left me in
so I could get raped.

What?
You were raped?

No, but I
could have been.
JESSE: God!

Why can't my friends
be fuckin' friends?

Whenever I smell urine,
it reminds me

of the time
you peed in my hair.

Oh! There was a bump!
What do you want me
to say about it?

There was no bump!
Okay, stop it!

You two hate each other
for no reason!

I am so sick and
tired of living
like a child of divorce.

Why don't you
just live together

for the summer?
See how it goes?

Okay.

Lauren, honey,
I have a question.

Where are you
sleeping tonight?

'Cause it's not at my place.

I have that Peruvian boy
coming over from the gym.

And, Katherine,
may I remind you

that your most
promising applicant

has been that woman
that looked like Ted Danson

and could not
stop queefing?

Do you want that? Hmm?

You two,
my gorgeous angels,

are about to be homeless
in Washington Square Park

over a fucking party foul.

And I don't like to
give out spare change,
so you're on your own.

Hey, can you
watch my stuff?

I'd love to.

Thanks.

I was thinking
about that barf color

you have on the walls
of your living room,

and I thought this dove gray
would actually
really open up the space.

You get two walls,
I get two walls.

Welcome home.

Great.

How much for the lamp?

$10.

LAUREN: I'm moving
your chair out of my room!

KATIE: Oh, my God, yeah.

I love the way you feel.

You feel so good. Yeah.

Ooh, I do like
when you tickle my
boobies like that.

Tickle my boobies.
Tickle them.

(KATIE MOANING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

LAUREN: Hey,
can I get in there?

I just really
have to pee and then

I have to get ready
for work. I'll be so fast.

All right.
I don't care. Come in.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Where do you work
that requires
so much makeup?

I'm just doing
a lot of writing,
being super creative.

Did you have someone
over here last night?

(CHUCKLES) It's none
of your business.

But yes.

Okay.

(URINATING)

Oh, my God, Lauren.

(SIGHS) Sounds like
somebody has a UTI.

You can't hear a UTI.

I'd invest in
some cranberry juice
if I were you.

Okay, fine, you know what?
You pee in cups in cars
while they're moving.

Ooh. I like
a little fire in you.

Katie,
there's no toilet paper.

Katie,
there's no toilet paper.

What? I can't hear you!
I'm running late! Bye!

MORTY: I have to let you go.
I'm old. I'm tired.

And let's face it,
it's time to
close the place down.

You're smart.
That's why I hired you.

And that's why
you're gonna be great
out there on your own.

I thought I would take
over when you retired.
What about your clients?

You're gonna be great
out there on your own.

Work is good.
It's just...

...really busy.

Sweetie, tell us some more
about the new place.

We've been dying to
come over and help you
set it up. I mean...

Yeah, just give us
a good time and
we'll come over.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

KATIE: Did you eat
all my hot dog buns?

I'm on the phone!

They're kosher!

I know you stole my lamp!

What?
What'd you say?

LAUREN: Sorry, Dad.

The apartment is spectacular.
My roommate is whatever.

ADELE: Well, you won't have
to live with this person
for long, honey.

Charlie will come back.
They always do.

But, sweetie,
lock up Grandma's pearls.
We don't know this girl.

(SIGHS)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Buongiorno! It's Charlie.
I can't get to
my phone right now

because I'm probably
doing something
awesome in Italy,

but I'll get back to you
as soon as I can. Ciao!

(MANDARIN POP SONG PLAYING)

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

Is this your job?

No.

Yes, you have paint
all over your face
and also on your body.

Take a seat. Come on.

You got to sit down
to have your nails done,
so...

So you're not a writer?

I write every day.

Like I said, I'm creative,
so I have a lot
of outlets for it.

This is New York City.
Most people need
more than one job.

How many jobs do you have?

Well, my top faves
include doing nail art

because I'm good at it
and it lowers
my beauty budget.

I also hand out
fliers for Jesse

because I support the arts
and I'm a really good friend.

And I also really like
taking orders at Wo-Hop

because they have
the best Chinese
in the city.

Everybody knows that,
and I get it for free.

Switch.

Why aren't you at work?

Did Jesse tell you?

(SCOFFS) You kind of
gave it away with the
greasy hair and the pajamas.

How you gonna pay
your rent, girl?

I have a savings account.

Oh, right,
your rich parents
from Long Island

that cut your sandwich up
into cute little four squares

until you went
to prep school.

Whatever.

You're not a writer.
You're some fake nail tech

with a counterfeit diploma
you probably printed
at Kinko's.

Oh, Ming Lee!

(SPEAKING KOREAN)

What did you say to her?

(KATIE GRUNTING)

KATIE: Yeah, I'm your slave.
I love being your slave.

Yeah, put me in your cage!
I wanna go in the cage!

Wait! Wait, it's dark
in here! I don't wanna
be in here anymore!

I don't wanna be
in here anymore!

Yeah, your dick looks so big
and it's looking at me!

Let me out! I'm scared!
Katie?

Please, let me out!
Please, let me out!
Let me out!

I wanna...

Just cum on my face.
Got to go, bye.

MAN ON PHONE:
No, no, no...

I'm hungry.

You want the story
or not?

LAUREN: Yeah, sure.
Fine. Whatever.

When I first came
to New York,
(CLEARS THROAT)

I didn't have money,
like I'm sure you did.

And I didn't have
parents that were like,

"Oh, you can be
the first pretty president,"
or whatever, okay?

My gram let me
move in with her,

but I was pretty
much on my own.

And then she died
and I saw an ad

in the Village Voice
for a phone sex line

and I called it,
and I nailed my interview.

And that's how I'm here.

Why are you so mopey?

Charlie changed
his Facebook status
to "single" today.

Sorry. I mean,
I don't really
deal with break-ups,

but it's not so bad
being alone.

Take the cookie.

So, how does it work?

Basically, like,
whatever they say,

I just tell them
I wanna lick it.

Like, nipple guy, lick it.
Hairy balls? Lick 'em all.

Okay. Ew.

You have to know
some dirty words.

Didn't you talk
during sex with Charlie?

I mean, he loved
when I would tell him
he was sexy.

Wow.
Whatever.

I meant,
how do you get the calls?

It's easy. I just call
and tell 'em when I'm on
and they forward me the calls.

How much are
these guys paying?

I think like $4.99.

I get $1 a minute.
It's a decent enough
living for me, though.

Except I'm always going
over my cell phone
minutes, but...

(SIGHS) Okay.

First, get a land line.

You're wasting your time
for a buck a minute

and this depraved
company you work for

makes four times
as much as you
for doing nothing.

Get your own hotline.

Okay, rude.
I've thought of that.

It just sounds
like a ton of work.

It's not a ton of work.

You just call
the phone company,

they'll give you
a new number,

you'll set up
a PayPal account,

tell your repeat
callers your new number
and you're done.

You seem to know
how to do this.

Don't even think
about it.

Help me make this
a business

and I'll pay $100
of your rent until
you get another job.

No.

Okay, forever.

I have an interview
tomorrow at Laxton Press.

It is the second
best publishing house
in the world,

it is my dream job
and I'm perfect for it.

(GASPS) Really? Okay, well,
you go get your
fancy-pants boring job

and I'll just be
here being exciting.

Fine.

It's my 10:00 regular.
His name's Sean.

You know,
you're not better than me.

You're not better
than phone sex!

I'm better than phone sex.

Just imagine me
playing with your balls
while you fuck me.

I wanna lick you
from top to bottom.

I wanna hear you cum.

(SEAN MOANING)

Fuck!

(LAUGHS) Hi.

Hi.

So, not to drop
a bomb on you,

but it's our two-month
anniversary this week.

Yeah, I know.
You don't got to tell me.
I got the phone bills.

And don't take
that the wrong way.
You know I like you.

Yeah, I figured.

Am I the only one
you're phone banging?

You're the only one,
period.

I don't know, it's
just easier on the phone.
I get quiet around people.

I'm shy, too.

No, you're not.

Last week you described
a gang-bang you had
in college

while I came
all over my coffee table.

(LAUGHING) Stop! Do not
ever tell me what I've said
to you ever again.

(LAUGHS)
I have another call
coming in

and you need to
save your pennies.

I'll talk to
you later, lover.

Bye.

Hello?

LAUREN: Look, I'm qualified.
I'm more than qualified
for this job.

I have wasted the last five
years of my life working
for the wrong company.

I'm ready to take my
career to the next level

which is why
I'm here with you.

Okay.

I am
the most organized person
you will ever meet.

I am the most
hard-working person
you'll ever meet.

Probably
one of the smartest.

Listen, the job
we called you in for

was filled via
nepotism this morning.

Actually, it's not
really nepotism.
It's cronyism or...

I don't know what
it's called when you hire

someone's nephew,
but there's no job,

and there won't
be another one for

about three months
for a junior editor.

Three months?

I really need
a job right now.

(RACHEL SIGHS)

From the looks of this,
you've had everything

planned out since you
were five-years-old.

Maybe take a summer off

from escorting
Down's Syndrome children
to the Broadway theater.

We all made fun of you.

Work, you fucking
piece of fucking
motherfucking shit!

Hi.

Hi.

Laxton Press isn't hiring
for another three months.

So, until then, I'm yours.

I wanna make
a third of the profits

and I'm not
getting on the phone.

It's strictly business.

I wouldn't want
you on the phone.

You wouldn't have
any idea what to do.

Can you help me
make a website?

Of course, I could,

but you don't
need a website yet.

You need a phone
number and a phone
for your new landline.

(GASPING)

Oh, my God,
you got me a gift!

You're welcome.

And it's pink!

Okay.

So I've been thinking
about the concept of my line

and the thing about it
is that it's classic.

It's always in style
just like my
pretty pink phone.

These men wanna
jerk off to your voice.
They don't need a concept.

What's your number?

Okay, slave driver.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What about

1-900-ASS-TIME?

No?

1-900-U-FINGER?

1-900-ASS-BAGS?

No, no, no.
TEA-BAGS?

Something with "bags"
in it. I don't know.

1-900-VAG-BAGS?

(SNIFFING) Mmm.

Oh, my God,
this smells so good.

(SNIFFING) Mmm!

That's not bad.

1-900-VAG-BAGS?

No.

No. 1-900-MMM-HMMM.

(SNIFFS) Mmm!

Like, 1-900-M-M-M...

BOTH: H-M-M-M.

Yeah.

(GASPS) Ooh.

I like it.

(GASPS)

That's it!

Yes!

I love it!
I love it so much!

Hello, world!

For a good time,
call 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M!

(WHOOPING)

We have a business!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(RINGING)

1-900-MMM-HMMM?

Yes, I am.
Hold for billing,
please. Billing!

Misty, it's Dan
from Connecticut.

Cheryl, it's Eddie
from East Lansing.

Rachel, it's
Schleheim again.

Guzzling cum?
My favorite! Lauren!

Tootsie!

Champagne!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

D.J.?

Stephanie?

No! No! I said no! No!

Cindy, Aaron with
the low-hangers.

April, get the
water bottles.

It's John,
the one who likes to
hear you pee.

Mmm. You sound like
a redhead. Do you have
freckles on your dick?

See, what I do is just wait
till it comes out on DVD

and then I just
watch it all in a row.

Oh! Fuck,
that's my cervix!

Whoa, whoa! This is
still Billing!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON PHONE)
ON PHONE: Hi, it's Katie.
Leave a message. Bye!

(SIGHS)

Hey, good job
not calling me back.
Well done.

Is this number a beeper?
Because a human
never answers. Jesus.

Oh, I love that smell.

Mmm.

Can I lick it?

You're a dirty girl, Misty.
Oh, my God,
you're gonna make me go.

Ooh, it's so good.
It's so good!

(MOANS)

I want to get on
my hands and knees

and reverse
into that big cock.

Yeah, back it up.
Back it up.

(IMITATES BEEPING
OF TRUCK REVERSING)

Beep.

Beep, beep.

Beep. (MOANS)
Beep. (MOANS)

Toot, toot! Oh!
Beep, beep!
Toot, toot!

(INTENSIFYING)
Beep, beep, beep, beep!

Beep, beep, beep, beep!

Loadin' dock!
Loadin' dock! Dick dock!
Dick dock!

Yeah, fill me,
fill me up!

(KATIE MOANING)
(HONKING)

(YELLS)

(YELLS IN ECSTASY)

You all done? Okay, honey.
Call us back soon. Bye.

I thought he was
never gonna cum.

(LAUGHING)

Welcome to Jersey,
ma'am.

(MOANING)

(KATIE SPEAKING SPANISH)

You're right.
It really does
open up the space.

Actually, I have
some things to tell you.

I've instated
a 10-minute minimum

so we don't have to
waste time with those
two-pump Johnnys anymore.

I like it.
Okay.

Second, and this is
the big one.

Okay.

We've made $12,000
in three weeks!

No.
Yes.

Oh, my God!
I know!

And because of that,
I felt like just to
be safe business-wise,

I incorporated us
so we're now an LLC.

No shit!
Yes.

Well, fuck Grandma!
Can I get us that new couch?

Sure. Okay.

I really, really need you
to drink this green tea
I made for you

because you're
getting all hoarse again.

I know. I got to
keep the throat lubed.

I have also been thinking
and I was wondering

if maybe we could
hire some dumb-ass

to work for us
for $1 a minute?

Um...

Yeah. Yeah,
we could do that.

(GASPS) Perfect because
I already found her!

You did?
Yes. She writes...

"Dear slut talkers,
look no further.

"I scared my last
boyfriend away by
how dirty I talked in bed.

"Here's a taste."

"Fuck my tits
until they're so raw,

"you have to move
down to my itty bitty..."

...itty bitty,
edible gummy-wear thong.

I am loud,
I am creative

and I love
giving phone blowies.

So this is a nice couch.

And also, I've been
practicing my baby voice.

(IN BABY VOICE)
"That won't fit, mister!"

Not really for us.
We really try to stay away
from the pedo thing.

You do really sound
like a baby, though,
so congrats on that.

(KATIE CHUCKLES)

May I?

Oh, the stripper pole?
Sure, go for a spin.

Has it been
used today?

KATIE: Not today.

Okay, great.

(MOUTHING) I love her!

(MOUTHING) Love her!

(LAUGHS) Look at you,
you're a natural.

So... You are
very flexible.

She's better than me.

Well, let's not...

Okay, we charge
a 10-minute minimum,

so the point is just
keep the guys on the call
as long as possible.

Just make sure that
they bring up
the sex stuff, okay?

You just small talk
from the get go

and see what
happens after that.

I'm from Maui

and I love to take
my cat to the dog park

on Sunday mornings
in my bikini.

(GIGGLES)

I mean, it's perfect.
Amazing.

You got to be on
your A-game, though,
for every call.

All right,
don't listen to this,

but I don't care
if they wanna take
a pretend dump on your boobs.

You just roll with it
and act like it's sexy.

Can we see it?

(MOANS DRAMATICALLY)
Steamy!
I like it right there!

Ooh! (PURRS)

Get over here!
Welcome to our family!

(KATIE MOANING LOUDLY)

KATIE: I just came
in my panties and
I'm a squirter, honey!

You wanna smell them?
'Cause they smell so good!

Yeah, you can have them
for $29.95, plus
shipping and handling.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Good boy. I'm gonna make 'em
nice and wet just for you!

SCOTT: Surprise!
ADELE: Hi! Hi!

Hello! Oh, my God!

Hi!

Daddy had
an appointment in the city
this afternoon

and I wanted to check out
the sale at Barneys

and we figured
as long as we were
in the neighborhood...

Your mother's lying.
So sorry we didn't call.

Okay. Just give me
one second, okay?

Sure.

Fuck.

ADELE: I'm so glad Charlie
let you keep the dishes.
That's only fair.

This is like
the longest hallway
in Manhattan.

Brought your favorite,
boo-boo kitty.
Magnolia!

LAUREN: Thanks, Mom!

Hello. Hello. Oh,
and this is a potted plant.

Great. Thank you.

KATIE: Hit it!
I'm so close!

That's...

That's my roommate.
She's exercising
in her room.

What is that?

Is that a stripper pole?

Oh!

Yeah, it is.

Oh, my God,
is your roommate
a stripper?

No! Oh, my God.
No, she's not a stripper!
She exercises on there.

You know,
it's good for your abs.

That's not structural.

Have one of these guys.
(LAUGHS) You had me
worried for a second.

Actually, honey,
Daddy and I were in
your account this week

to make
a little gift deposit.

You guys still
watch my account?

We couldn't help
but notice that

you have 10 grand
in that account.

Did Morty finally
give you that promotion?

Did he?

Yeah. Yeah, he did.
(PARENTS GASPING)

I know, I am so sorry.
I don't know why I
forgot to tell you guys.

That's awesome.
ADELE: Sweetie,
it's just not like you

to keep these things
to yourself.

Scott! Adele!

Katie. Oh, God,
what a pleasure.

It's so nice to meet you.
You.

Well, okay.
Oh, my goodness.

Lauren didn't tell me
how good-looking you were.

Why don't you sit down?
Let's get to know
each other, then.

KATIE: I would love that.

I would love to do that
because I love parents,

but our very
good friend Krissy
is coming over

and she just
went through one of

the worst break-ups
I've ever been privy to.

Don't even get me started.
Oh, my God.

SCOTT: I told you this was
gonna be a bad time.
(DOORBELL RINGING)

You guys...
We'll stop into
the city again really soon.

She's just heart-broken.
If we can just do
this another time?

I understand. Okay.

They need some time.

ADELE: Your promotion's
a big deal. We've got
to celebrate.

I know.
Oh, thank you.

Oh, dear.

Look who I found,
just surviving.

You're doing good.
Hi.

Hi.
I'm Krissy.

Krissy, I'm Adele.
Sweetie, I know we
just met, but listen,

life is full of
ups and downs

and good times
will come again.
It is.

Adele and I were separated,
it worked out fine.

Come on, honey,
let's go.

Feel better, honey.

I'm gonna walk them out.
Okay.

Nice to
meet you, Katie.

There, there,
sweet thing.
I've got you.

Okay.

I've got you. I do.

It's over, you guys.

Oh.
Oh.

Let's get this
fuck show started!

Please hold for Misty.

Krissy!
It's John from San Jose!

Oh, God, it feels good
to have a night off.

I feel like
I was always meant
to be an employer

and not an employee.

Do you remember
the last time
we left this apartment?

No, I really don't.

Can I braid your hair?

Okay.

KRISSY: I want you to
go get a bowl of milk.

A very, very full
bowl of milk.

And then I want to
squat over top of it.

You're gonna dangle
your boys in there.

What's that,
did I hear a dog
in the background?

Okay. I want you to
go get some kibble.
Yes, go get some kibble.

I want you to
take two pieces,
put them in your mouth.

Take three pieces and
put them in your bum.

Okay, do you have
any potted plants
around you?

Okay, I want you to
go grab that potted plant.

Good. Did it crack?

Ooh. I like that.

Okay, now I want you
to crack all your toes.

Now, when you're
on the tenth one,

I want you to pull
each lace out of your shoe
very slowly. Good boy.

Now, when you have
that lace out,

I want you to wrap it
around your balls.

You're gonna start
tugging really gentle.

Now, I'm gonna deliver you
a very special message

and when I do that,
I want you to
pull real hard, okay?

You got that lace? Good.

Here's your special message,
Mr. Phone Caller.

Girl, you do a good braid.

I feel like she's talking
a lot of calls in there.

Do you wanna go check?
Yeah.

Okay.

KRISSY: You've got
your hairy dick
in your hand, yeah?

That plastic bag
over your head? You feel
like a naughty boy?

You know who else thinks
you're a naughty boy? G-O-D.

Forget this number.
Do you want God to
damn you to Hell?

Because he just did.

What the fuck!
Get the fuck
off the phone!

We're running
a business here!

God bless you.
Jesus loves you.

Your business
is disgusting.

(BOTH GASPING)

What is that?

(WHISPERS) It's a cross.

I know what it is!
I know what it is!

I am an undercover
agent of the Lord.

And you two didn't
even know. Even you.

And you seem smart.

I saved
some souls tonight

and that's more
than I can say for
you two phone whores!

All right, well,
obviously you're fired!
Out! Out with you!

Get out!
Jesus loves you, too.

KATIE: Come on!
Out, out, out!

Let there be
no filth in this...

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
We're Jews.

(PHONE RINGING)

(KRISSY CONTINUES
RECITING SCRIPTURE)

KATIE: I don't
wanna hear it!

MAN ON PHONE:
Oh, God, I'm cumming!
(MOANS)

Amen!

Oh, my God.
Fucking Craigslist.

What happened?

I just picked up
the phone and he came.

I should be
our second operator.

I don't wanna be
boring anymore.

Are you high?

I appreciate the sentiment,

but we just lost
half our callers

to fucking Jesus of
Nazareth back there.

Look, I will do
whatever you tell me to do.

I will lick whatever
you want me to lick.

I will make us so much money.

I'm good at everything.
You know that.

All right.

I'm gonna take
a chance on you, kid.

We start training tomorrow.

Now, you just say the words
as I point to them, okay?

"Dripping, hole,
clenches."

Next.

"Hard, cock, jams."

Next.

"Wet, snatch, opens."

Say it like you mean it!

Okay, let's
give this a try.

There's a lot of
dildos in there.

What? I used to
work in a sex shop.

(MUFFLED) Oh, I love it when
your cock is in my mouth!

Now you try.

Has this ever been
in your...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Tell me what you're wearing,
you dirty little slut.

Oh, it's this cute dress
from Cynthia Vincent.

Lauren! Hey, I thought
we were gonna take
this seriously, right?

Harder!
Faster!

Harder!
Faster!

Harder!
Faster!

I'm wearing
a lacy, pink thong.
It slid right up my ass.

And a bra
that is just so tight
on my heaving breasts.

Good. Good.

(MOANING)

(MOANING)

I like it when
they're long and hard,

oh, when they really
are just so, so meaty.

(MOANING LOUDLY)

(MOANING LOUDLY)

Jesus, have you
murdered each other?

It's some real
War of the Roses shit.

I feel like Danny DeVito.
Call me.

(BOTH MOANING)

I wanna rub your breasts
when I see you in that dress.

Mmm-hmm.

I wanna rub my own breasts
when I see you in that dress.

Ooh, yeah?
Where else are you pink?

I wanna take you to dinner
when I see you in that dress.

Then, after dinner,
I'm gonna take you home
and I'm gonna fuck you.

(GASPS)
I'm gonna rip
that dress off you

and I'm gonna
fuck you so hard.

Cum for me, baby.

BOTH: Boop!

Yes! Yes! Oh, I'm cumming!
I'm cumming! I'm cumming!
I'm cumming!

Oh, God, yes!
Oh, yes.

(LAUGHING)

Well, I just blew my
load all over your tits.
I'll see you inside.

(SIGHS)

Hey, don't make fun of me,
but I'm gonna send
you that essay I wrote.

SEAN: I'll send you
that film I cut.

It's only
the longest short film
in the history of cinema.

Is this the one
about the little man

that lives inside
of the cardigan?

No, this one is
about the conjoined twins
who found happiness.

Oh, okay.

That's my other line,
but call me later

and let's talk
about them. Bye.

1-900-MMM-HMMM.

Uh, a three-way?

Um...

Yes, we can do that.

Hold for Billing, please.

Lauren!

You need me to
run the card?

Yes, and then
I need you to stay.

It's time for your
first call, honey.

Ready?

Yes.

Hi.

I'm Kitty and I'm
here with my friend.

(IN BREATHY VOICE)
Hello, I'm...

...Catty.

Hello,
Kitty and Catty.

I guarantee you,
that's gonna confuse me
once I start whackin' off

but for now
that's okay.

I've heard
you've been a bad boy
and I'm here to save you.

I'm actually
the one who will be
doing the saving

because I am
a goddamn man

who flies people
through the sky
on a bird made of steel.

I'm an airplane pilot
and I'm masturbating
while taking a shit.

Tell me what you
ladies are wearing.

Well, Catty is
wearing a lace nightie

and I'm caressing her
with my tongue.

JERRY: Okay.
I'm starting to masturbate
and I'm done pooing.

What part of her
skin specifically

are you caressing
with your tongue?

My nipples.

(TOILET FLUSHING)
Nice.

Okay. Great.

Now you know what
I want you guys to do?

I want you to
put your tongues
on a collision course

and just ram
those fuckers.

Ram tongues.

(BOTH MOANING AND
IMITATING KISSING)

Catty is... Oh,
she's such a good kisser.

Her lips are so
luscious and wet.

Okay, so, Catty,

what do Kitty's
underpants look like?

Oh! They're so cute!

I mean, they're...
Well, they're leopard print.

There is an animal up
her tight, sexy ass.

(GROWLING)

Nice.

Kitty, what do Catty's
underpants look like?

She's not
wearing any panties.
Do you like that?

No, I don't.
I think that's gross,
to be totally honest.

You're just, what?

You're just
sweating vagina juice
in your jeans all day?

That's disgusting.
Put on underpants.

Tell me when you have
them on. So I can
keep masturbating.

MAN: Jerry, come on,
the flight's about to leave.

Dude, I'm jerking off in here,
right this second, literally,

and you're ruining it.
Just delay the flight, okay?

Now, Catty, look at Kitty
and tell me what you see.

She's so pretty.

She has the most
beautiful eyes.

And her hair is
soft around her face.

KATIE: And Catty is
so beautiful.

She has this luminous skin
that I would kill for.

She is so nice
and honest,

and such a good friend.

Kitty is just so
fun and outgoing

and she lights up
every room.

And she gives
great manicures.

You guys have any dildos
or anything like
that around?

Listen, last night was...

You made me proud.
You're a real
phone sex operator now.

I know.

I'm a slut.

Is it okay I'm a slut?

(LAUGHING) Yeah.

A slut that made
$800 in one night!

I don't know if I'm just,
like, being emotional

because of last night
or whatever,

but I want you to stay.

Really stay.
Past the summer.

Okay.

Pinky swear.

I have a friend
who's a girl.
And I like it!

You can't take that
job at Laxton Publishing.
Let's go full time.

Okay.

It's Laxton Press.

And last night
was my first night,

so let's just take this
as it comes, okay?

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I get it.

I almost forgot.

We're gonna be twins!

I'll have you know
I schlepped all the way

to Brooklyn to
get this for you.

I will not let you down.

I'm only givin' it to you
because you said
I had a nice ass.

(SIGHS)

LAUREN: Mmm. Eat me
for lunch at your desk!

(MOANING)

That feels so good.

Do you have
a big calculator?
(GASPS)

I have to pee so bad!
It's Harold,
our new tax attorney.

HAROLD: I got
a big calculator,
I got the biggest!

Yeah, I got a big
calculator for you.

I want you to
press 5-8-0-0-8.

You know what
that spells? "Boobs."

Audit me, Harold!

Inspect every inch
of my bod with
a fine-tooth comb.

(YELLS)
I'm about to jizz!

(GASPS)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

I think you
found my loophole!

It happened!

Pleasure doing
business with you, Harry.

Hey, can you fax over
those I-9s? Okay. Bye.

Okay, bye-bye.
Thank you. Bye.

Becky!

(SIGHS) Thank you.
What a relief.

You're welcome.

Is that a gift for me?
Yes.

And I have one, too,
and we're going out.

Oh, my God!

We're matching!
(BOTH SCREAMING)

LAUREN: Let's start with
the artichoke dip.

Yes, and then do
you maybe wanna do
like the brown sugar pork?

Yes, and like a salad.
With dressing on the side?

With dressing on
the side, of course.
Okay, good.

Okay. What is going on here?

Let's just tell him.

Are you guys scissor dancing?
Honestly.

You know, I hate lesbians,
but you have to tell me.

I'll make an exception,
I'll get past it for you two.

No!
What then?

We are running
a phone sex line.
Boom!

Shut up.

Not my idea!

And this doesn't
make me a whore!

A whore? No!
This makes you awesome!

She just phone-fucked
the shit out of
our accountant.

What's going on?
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

What? Wait, wait, wait,
wait! But what happened
to Lawson Press?

Laxton Press, and that bitch
never called me back, so...

Screw her! She has me.

Wow.

You ladies are living
some fucked-up version
of the American dream.

You have to tell me,
what do these guys say?

Is it all like
penis in vagina?
Where do the dicks go?

I've had phone anal.

You had phanal?
Oh, my God,
I'm so good at that!

Can I work for you guys?

No! It's girls only.

No.
(GROANS)

This stinks.
No fair.

KATIE: I could be the unicorn
this time if you want.

SEAN: Actually, I was
thinking since we both...

Hey, sorry I wasn't here
for your call at 10:00,

but I had to get
out of this apartment.

You know, it's okay.

I was thinkin'
maybe we could meet up?

In person?

What?

Well, we haven't had
phone sex in a week

and we still
talk every day.

And I loved your essay

and you made it
through my short film.

It's kind of like
we're already dating,

so I thought maybe
we could meet up?
Like Friday?

Hello?

(SEAN GROANS)

I fucked this up.
I'm sorry.

Okay, let's do it.

Really?

You don't have to.

No. No, I want to.

I do, I really want to.

Shaquanda,
I can't wait
to meet you.

Oh, yeah.

Um...

Actually my name
is Katie.

Hello.

Lauren?

Lauren? Lauren?

Hey. What?

What were you
doing in there?

I was working. What?

Did you just
have phone sex?

Do we not run
a phone sex line?

Well, yeah, but...

You slut!
You just put your
fingers in your puss!

Ew! No!

You know that
a little pony dies
every time you do that.

Did you wash your hands?

Maybe I didn't!
Ew!

Whatever.
You must do it all the time.

Ew. No.

You're not that
good of an actress.

Anyways...

Um...

10:00 Sean lives
in Brooklyn. That is
not just a billing address.

And now we have
a date on Friday night.

So.

No.

Why not?

I don't know, 'cause
he's probably a rapist.

Oh, please! Don't
judge him. You and I are
the ones on the phone.

Please?

I haven't been on
a date in forever.

Now I've had a taste
of the outside world!

I want more!

It's just gonna be
a cool bar in Brooklyn.

I'll come home,
I promise.

Fine. But you
play by my rules.

What are your rules?

You'll see on Friday,
won't you?

Is that a new shower head?

Yeah.

It pulsates. On my body.

Cute dance.

Okay. That's good.

I, literally,
never wanna see
that dance ever again.

Oh! You just blinded me
with that dance.

I am now blinded.

These are the rules.

Step one, put these on.

Way too small for me.

That's the point, okay?

10:00 will never be
able to get in these.

It is rape-prevention
wear at its best.

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Okay, step two.

Bug spray.

What?

I didn't know
where to buy mace
and I just figured

it'll do the same thing
when you spray him
in the face.

What the hell kind of purse
would that even fit in?

You can borrow my tote.

I've already filled it
with some other stuff.

What, no canned goods
for my survival?

All right, I'll take it.
Hell, throw it
in my new tote bag!

I am ready to
survive date rape!

Ta-da!

(LAUGHING)

Can I please get
one drink? Please?

My blood alcohol
level's dangerously low.

No, you're leaving.

Don't make me go.
I don't wanna go
back to that apartment.

I'm outside.
Guys!

Is that him?
Is that him?

He looks like
T.T. Barber.

All right, I need
you both to, like,
bring it down a notch.

All right? I will
know him when I see him.

Is that him?

Look at that lumberjack.
A lot of bears here.

You like a bear.
I like a bear.

Katie?

Yes.

Hi.
Hi.

Wow! You are really pretty.

And you are
really pretty, too.

I'm sorry. I didn't
know you were
bringing people.

That's cool.

These are just my
overprotective friends

that are gonna be
leaving in a second.

I'm Katie's
Lauren. Hello.

Hi.

What's up, man?
Jesse Lawson.
Hey.

How are you doing?
Good.

You like comedy?
Do you like to laugh?

Check it out.
You're welcome to come.

It's a $10 cover.
Two drink minimum.

Great.
Yeah.

Okay.
Awesome.

Okay, good.
I'm good, guys.

My word.
Nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you.
Bye.

I'm just gonna
say this.

I do not think
it's weird at all

that you guys met
on a phone sex line.

I don't think it's weird.
'Cause, you know what?
Fuck it.

Life is weird, right?
LAUREN: Let's go.

No. I was in
the shower this morning

and have you ever
thought about hair?

Think about human hair.
Let's go.

Some's curly, some's...
It's weird.

Bye.

Don't worry about it.
All right.

Sorry. Sweet.

Yes.

Sweet as can be.
And very funny.

Yeah. Well,
he's a comedian,
you know, so.

Nice to finally meet you.

Nice to finally meet you.

All right. Let's do it.

Ready. Okay.

Cheers.
Cheers.

You're right. This is
so much more comfortable
than being at the bar.

Can I open my eyes now?
No.

You cannot look at me
and I cannot look at you.

It's easier this way.
Trust me.

You know, I approached
two other girls
before I found you.

I met a Christina
and a Lily.

No, you didn't.

I saw you walk in
and you walked
right towards me.

No, I know, you're right.
I knew it was you.

You're cute.

You better not be peeking.

I'm not.

Let's open our
eyes anyway, okay?

(INHALES) Okay.
Okay.

Count of three.

One, two, three.

(MOANING)

(LAUREN MOANING ON RECORDING)

Put it anywhere.

KATIE: Lauren!

LAUREN ON RECORDING:
Put it anywhere.

You're home!
How was it?

It was great!

Did you smoke
that whole joint?

Uh-huh.

Tell me about your date.

(SIGHS)

It was amazing.

It was, like,
the best date
I have ever been on.

It was never awkward.

And then we started kissing,
which, by the way, was just...

He was so good.

And then...

What? Did he get
in my Spanx?

No.

What?

Well, I got my period
when I was 12

and I wasn't
close with my mom,

so I called my older,
cooler cousin Wendy

and I went over to her house.

I bike ride-ed over
and she brought me
into the bathroom

to do the whole
tampon tutorial,
you know what I mean?

And like
we're standing there,
legs open, flaps open.

Are you with me?

Mmm-hmm. I'm just stoned.
Okay.

And jamming it up there
and I'm trying to make it fit

and there's blood everywhere

and it just looks
like this horrible
murder scene

and I look over and
that's when I see it.

A wart.

You had genital warts
at 12?

Not on me!
On Wendy's left labia!

And she saw me see it.

Obviously I was horrified,
and that's when
she said it to me,

"If you don't want
one of these, don't
have sex in high school.

"After that, just make sure
you're in love with
whoever it is."

And no one was
ever in love with me.

I'm a virgin.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, that can't be true.

Yes, it is.

I've never even
had a boyfriend.

But I went to
college with you.

I thought you
were the school slut.

Well, that's what
everyone thought. But
I wasn't doing any of it.

I was just
talking a lot of shit.

And then I just got
so scared around guys,
I would just like clam up.

You just...

All the time?

You don't ever?

Just stop looking at me!
I'm just all talk, literally!

Okay.

Tina Fey lost her
virginity at, like, 27.

Okay? And she's
pretty cool, I think.

And you are gonna be
mind-blowing at sex.

I mean, if your body
can keep up with your mouth,

you are gonna
make some guy's head
just pop right off his neck.

And being in love
when you do it?

Only gonna make it better.

I have an idea.

(SIGHS)

Bum-bada-bum!

These are yours.
Use them.

That way,
when you're ready for Sean,

or whoever else
is lucky enough
to fall in love with you,

you'll be ready.

Okay.

Maybe not Earl.

How about this one? Kevin.

Thanks, Ren.

(VIBRATING)

BOTH: 1-900-MMM-HMMM.

That's 1-900-M-M-M-H-M-M-M.

And cut!

Yeah, it's still
feeling a little stiff.

Really?

Well, no, I mean, I'd call.
I mean, I already did call.

Maybe you guys
should have a drink.

It doesn't take much,
friend.

Can you get me
a glass of wine, please?

Will you get me
a glass of wine,
please, too?

Yeah, fine. I just think
a little bit more like,
"Are you alone?"

Well, we'll talk about it.
I just felt like you
weren't in the tub.

All right.
We'll do better!

LAUREN: Thank you.
Thank you!

(GASPS) I just
saw your nipple!

(HORNS HONKING)

I can never find
my keys in this bag.

I don't know why
you don't use that
zipper compartment.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, my God.
It's Laxton Press!

Well, I'm not gonna get it.
I'm never talking to
that bitch ever again.

No, get it!
I have an idea.

Get it!

Hello? This is
Lauren Powell.

(GASPS)

You are a vision in
my dress! My God!

I want to go with you
to the interview.

I can't believe
I'm gonna tell Laxton Press
to shove it.

Are you sure I'm
doing the right thing?

Yes!

You have nothing to lose.
It's not like
you're gonna work there.

Go in there and
tell her what a good
phone fucker you are

and then come home to me
and we can celebrate

'cause it's commercial night!

I have something
I wanna say.

Have you been
masturbating again?

Because you don't have
to tell me every time.

No, no, no, no.
It's not that.

I love you.

Should we hug or something?

Yeah.

Okay!

Okay.

Go have fun at
your bogus interview.

Make that lady feel sorry
she never hired you
in the first place.

Hmm.

You're different.

What's going on here?

Oh!

Oh.

I've been running
a phone sex line.

You? Yeah,
that's funny.

For reals?

Is it for charity?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hi, Jess.

Hi, Katie!

I'm here with Zelda.

Doesn't she look
a lot like a young
Carol Channing?

She's so cute.

Hey, who's ready
to put some of

my famous bean dip
in their mouths

while watching
the first cut of
our phone sex commercial?

I am! I am!

Ooh-ooh!

Hey, is Lauren back yet?

From her power play
interview? No, not yet.

I have to say, I think
what you guys are doing

is so weird and
Single White Female-y,

but then again,
I'm stroking Zelda
like I'm a Bond villain.

So, who am I to
talk about weird?

Did you get the DVD?

(DOORBELL RINGING)
Yes, it's already
in the player.

Wait, somebody's here.
I got to go. I can't
wait to see you. Bye!

We're back!
Hey.

(LAUGHS)

Hi.

Can we come in?

Yes, yes, please.
Come on in.

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you!

Hey, you.

And you!

We could really use
a strong female editor

that wants to grow
with our company.

Just somebody like you
that understands
a good business model.

I know you've
had a fun summer
doing phone sex.

It's a phase.
I love a good phase.

I'm a hasbian.

I made love to
a woman with crooked bangs
for six months.

Are you following me
back to reality?

'Cause what happens?

What happens when
you're crossing
Seventh Avenue,

holding that hot soy latte,

and a cab comes
out of nowhere and
just takes you out?

And you don't
have benefits?

Are you really gonna be
a phone sex operator
the rest of your life?

Take the job, Lauren.

This place
just looks great.

The balloons are
really festive.

Thank you.

Hard not to
focus on this here.

This...

What? What are you
talking about?
(LAUGHS) Just kidding.

I know.

We're having
a bachelorette party
here tonight

and I had 'em and
I thought, "Hell, I'll
throw 'em on the table."

LAUREN ON RECORDING:
Titty fuck me!

Stoop sale.

You get the damnedest
things there.

You guys,
I just wanna tell you

Lauren and I
have been having
such an amazing summer.

I honestly feel
like she is my sister.

Which, cha-ching,
makes you guys my parents!

I always wanted
normal parents.
(GIGGLES)

Hi.

What time was
her appointment?

KATIE: 2:00.
It was at 2:00.

Man, I cannot wait to
hear about that, huh?

Hi. Another surprise visit?

SCOTT: There's my girl!

(SIGHS)

Honey, my goodness,
what are you wearing,
sweetie?

I can see your bra.

Never mind.
Sweetheart,
you get the job?

KATIE: How was it?

It was really good.

It was a great interview.

They actually
offered me the job
right on the spot.

I know,
it has insurance
and a 401 (K) plan.

The position is really,
really fantastic.

So...

So I took it.

SCOTT: This is great news!
We have to celebrate!

Are you serious?

ADELE: Honey, I am so proud.

Why don't you change
and we'll all go

have a big lunch
at Sarabeth's.

Put on something
that fits

'cause you know we always
run into Daddy's
work friends there.

LAUREN: Katie,
why don't you come
to my room with me

and you can help me
pick out an outfit,

and I'll tell you
more about the job.

I'm sure you'll be
fine on your own.

Okay.

KATIE: Mom, Dad.

I would love to
tell you more about
our special summer

because Lauren has
been so shy about it,
but at our party tonight

we were gonna
have a screening of
something we made

and I would love to
share it with you. Please.

Sure.
Come with me, will you?

Oh! So exciting!
I love an audience.

(SEXY MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, hi.

(GIGGLES SEDUCTIVELY)

It's nice to see you.

Do you ever wonder
why you're alone
in the tub?

It's so lonely when
you're in the tub alone,
isn't it?

You don't have to
be so lonely anymore.

If you have one of these.

You can just
give me a call.

(GIRLS GIGGLING ON VIDEO)

The bubbles were all
her idea, by the way.

I mean, she's
a smart cookie,
that one.

ADELE: I'm gonna be sick.

What the hell is
wrong with you?

What? I was just
catching your parents up

on what a beautiful
summer we've had.

While we're at it,
should I tell them about
how Morty fired you?

Or do you wanna
tell them? Oops! Cat's
out of the bag, sorry.

I should have never
moved in with you.

If you'll excuse me,
I have an errand to run.

It's dirty money.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Okay. I know that
you're really more of
a business manager

and you're not actually
listening to guys...

(DOOR CLOSING)

I know you're mad.

Just because you
don't give a shit
about your parents

doesn't mean
I don't care about mine.

I know.

And I'm sorry. Okay?

No. No, it is not okay!

You lied to me!

I did not know that
I was gonna take that job.

And it's not even
that big of a deal.
I can still help out here.

Well, don't
do me any favors.

If you were my real friend,
you would understand
why I took that job.

Excuse me! Real friend?

I am not the one
that lied to
my partner today.

That's hilarious, because
last time I checked, you
lied about being a whore.

I go off and I do
one thing by myself

and you prove to be
some insecure virgin.

You make me feel
like I will never be
good enough for you.

So why don't you
and your shit
get out of my apartment?

This is our apartment.

I told you I loved you
this morning.

And you were too
scared to say it back.

I wasn't too scared.

I just don't love you.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Who wants some bean dip?

KATIE: Oh, yeah,
that feels good.

(MOANING ROBOTICALLY)

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I want you
to finger-bang me
in the shower.

Uh...

Why don't you
just flip me over
and do me from behind?

Are you even listening?

No, I do like it.

It's so depressing.

You know, I call you,
I get one phone call a week.

This is
so fucking depressing.

This is more depressing
than the macaroni necklace
that my kid sends me.

What the shit am
I supposed to do
with that in here?

Just tell me
what you want.

Well, what I want, Sandy,

is for you to get your head
in the fucking game!

That's what I want!

What I want is for you
to start taking
Discover card again.

That's the one
we use in here.

What I want is for you
to keep doing two on ones.

What I want is to not
have to make a dildo
out of soap, okay?

It hurts!

It takes a long time.

But you know that's not
what we all get.

We don't all get that.

But now what
I'm gonna have to do,
what I didn't want to do,

is go to your house
and steal your fucking dog,

and then steal your car.

And then, when you
come outside to
look for your dog,

you'll say,
"Oh, where's my dog?
Where's my dog?"

Oh, bam!
I'm gonna hit you
with my car!

I'm gonna vehicular
manslaughter you
because that is what I do.

That's what I do.

I don't even have a car.

I'll lick your pussy.

No, you don't wanna do that.
We don't get razors in here.

Kind of lost the
mood now, anyway.

(SIGHS)

RACHEL: Lauren.

Happy hour.
Ruby Foo's. Sake bombs.

4:00 to 7:00, half price,
all the apps you can eat.

Hot Asian guys. Let's go.

Okay, just
give me a minute.

SEAN: I have a plan.

Yeah?

Yeah. My lease is up soon.

I could move in here
with you.

Ohh. (INHALES DEEPLY)

Yeah. No.
We're not there yet.

But thanks for offering.

We should probably,
like, have sex
before we live together.

Yes. That's a great idea.

Not today. But...

...soon.

Thank you so much for
letting me stay here.

I promise, I'm gonna
find a place so soon.

No, I totally
like having you here.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

I love having my own
living space, though.
But, you know.

God, this Greek yogurt
is so good.

Who is that?

I'm gonna take this.
I'll be right back.

Who is that?
Who is it?

(WHIMPERS)

Oh, girl. Who has
she replaced me with?

You're never gonna
replace me, are you?

'Cause I love you.

(SINGING)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Do you have any tens?

No, I do not.
You must go fish.

Do you have any sixes?

Yes! Do you
have any fives?

This is stupid.

Stop being such
a girl and call Lauren.

Let's have sex.

Come on.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

Now what?

And the wine and the cheese
and the gelato and...

Just everything
about it was so fresh.
It was vivacious.

And so, on this one day,
I decided to take
a little stroll.

You know,
I'm feeling high on life.

You know,
the case is going great,
so I walk up this hill

and I'm walking up,
and all of a sudden

I see this little
shoe shop in the corner.

Okay, and I'm walking
in and this old couple,
they fall in love with me.

I mean, they just take me in
like I'm their own.

The old woman, you know,
she's probably 82,

she starts making
risotto and it smells...

You would love it,
it smells so good.

And the old man,
he gets out
this old contraption

and he starts
measuring my feet.

And then it starts
raining outside, pouring.

So I said to the guy,
"Listen, I got to go.

"You know, thank you.
I had a great time.
I got to leave."

And he grabs my shoe
and he won't let me go.

And he...

I'm...

How's the new job?
How's that?

It's good.
It's really good.
I'm learning...

That's great. Listen.

I forgot to tell you.
They are
grooming me for partner

now that I saved
the job in Italy.

And, you know,
I'm kind of
enjoying the job now.

Kind of a thing,
so that's good.

You okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Is that okay?

Sorry, I get a little...
I'm just so nervous.

It's okay.
It's okay, just...

Just relax.

You know what?
I have an idea.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

No, just get it.
I'll only be one second.

Hello?

Hello.

Well, this is silly.

Mmm-hmm.

You feel so good.

I've been wanting to do this
since the first time
I heard your voice.

I've wanted this, too.

CHARLIE: Yeah, after
I saved that case
in Italy they thought,

"Okay, this is a guy
we've got to
make something of."

Look, Lauren,
there is a reason that
I asked to see you today.

And that's because I realized
that I made a mistake.

I should have
never left you.

You're my person.

I am?

I'm gonna
shoot you straight.

When I was in Italy,

I had a brief yet
intense relationship
with a Sicilian woman.

Okay? And at first,
it was exhilarating.

The passion was immense.

But then the fighting
would start, Laur, and...

And slaps across my face,
screaming,
and doors slamming, and...

It was exhausting.

And I started to
think about you
and what I love about you.

And you're so simple.

You know?

Lauren, I want you
back in my life.

Back in my apartment.
I got a place on
the Upper East Side.

Come home with me.

Babe, bring the NuvaRing.
You know? I wanna feel it.

You're an asshole.

I'm leaving.

Wait, no.
Okay, I'm not an asshole.

Yes, Lauren,
I was an asshole.

But now it's out of my system
and I want you back.

You know, you've been
calling me for months.

I made a lot of calls
this summer, Charlie.

Turns out you were right.
We were boring.
And you still are.

You're not my person.

You were never my person.

(MOANING)

I think I just came.

I love Lauren.

But I'm inside of you.

I know.

I think I might
love you, too.

But she would be so
proud of me right now.

And I just wanna tell her,
but I can't tell her.

Because I hate her
and she hates me, so.

I think
I love you, too.

Now call her.

Do it.

ON VOICEMAIL:
Hey, it's Lauren.
Sorry I missed your call.

Leave me a message
and I'll call you back.

What the fuck?

ON VOICEMAIL: Hi, it's Katie.
Leave a message.

Really?

Fuck! See?

(LAUGHS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

It's me.
Please don't hang up.

I love you.

I love you!

And I'm out of breath
because you've been
running through my mind

all day and I'm coming!

I'm coming!
I'm coming! I'm coming!

You're coming to me?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Are you close?
I'm so close.

I'm down the street.
I wanna be with you.

Please let me come inside.

I want you to come inside.

I want you!
I want you so hard!

Come to me!
Come to me!
I love you back!

LAUREN: I love you, too!

I think I love you.

I know
I love you, but...

Okay, I can't
stop saying it!

I'm close!
I'm so close!

Here I come!
Oh, this feels so good!

I know! I know!

I love you.
I love you. I love you.

Now I can't
stop saying it!

Where are you?

I'm here!

I missed you!

I missed you.

You're so sweaty!

I just ran 11 blocks
in heels!

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

You know I love you.

I don't know why I didn't
say it that morning
and I should have.

No.
I was wrong to take the job
without talking to you.

Of course you took the job.
What are you gonna do,
not take it?

Who am I to stand in the way
of your dream job?

Can I come home?

Obvs.

But what are you wearing?

What are you,
like the Gramercy Park
flasher now?

Charlie called me
and I went to see him

and I thought that
I would wear this

because I thought
that maybe he would like it.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God!

Who wears this?

All right.

Let's get you inside
and put on
something sensible.

Oh, my God!
Speaking of
letting people inside...

I let Sean inside,
my vagina!
We just had sex!

Oh, my God!

I mean, "ow" at first,
but then out of this world.

I have to hear
all the details.

Oh, I have details.

Like, who knew their stuff
runs right out as
soon as they're done?

And it's so warm.

I got some running
down my leg right now!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)