All language subtitles for ThisIsTheEnd2013720pBluRayx264-SPARKS-English[_24113]

(AIRPLANE LANDING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

MAN: Hey, Seth Rogen.
What up, man?

(MOUTHING)

WOMAN: Oh, hey, John!
Over here!

MAN OVER PA, Welcome to Los
Angeles International Airport.

Attention, all passengers.

Do not leave your
baggage unattended.

All unattended baggage
is subject to search...

(LAUGHING) Yay!

We're so happy!

Look at this!

What's happening, man?

Good to see you, buddy.

How you doing? I'm good, man.

(LAUGHS) Yes, you are.

How long has it been, man?

Sometime in the last...

Inside of a year or something.
Yeah.

I have the best weekend
ever planned, man.

Lay it on me. Ooh! I
don't want to ruin it.

MAN: Seth Rogen! Shit, here we go.
Hey.

How's it going, man?
Yeah, good.

So, you, Hke, always play, like,
the same guy in every movie.

When are you gonna do some,
like, real acting, man?

Seth: Okay, thank you.

Give me something. Give
me, like, the laugh, man.

Give me the Seth Rogen laugh.

(Seth LAUGHS) Seth
Rogen, everybody.

All right, I've landed. I'm here.
We've said our hellos.

Can we please go to
fucking Carl's Jr.?

(GROANS) on.

I would... I would love to.
I'm on a...

I can't really eat
that stuff right now.

I'm on a, uh... What?

I'm on this cleanse.

You're... You're on a what?

I'm on a cleanse.

(LAUGHING)

What? It's good for you.

I didn't know... You're supposed
to take six shits a day.

That's not true. It is true!

You're supposed to
shit twice a day. No.

That's not true. That's
what they used to think.

Now they know you're supposed
to shit six times a day.

So you're not drinking. You're
not smoking weed. You're not...

No, no, I'm drinking and
smoking weed. But...

I'm on a cleanse.
I'm not psychotic.

Look, man, if you
stopped eating gluten,

you'd feel way fucking
better all day.

Whenever you feel shitty,
that's 'cause of gluten.

That's not true. It is.

Who the fuck told you not to eat gluten?
It's just true.

You don't even know
what gluten is.

I know what fucking gluten is.

No, you have no idea
what gluten is.

I do know what gluten is.

Gluten's a vague term.

It's something that's used to categorize
things that are bad, you know?

Calories, that's a gluten.
Fat, that's a gluten.

Somebodyjust told you you
probably shouldn't eat gluten,

you're like, "Oh, I guess
I shouldn't eat gluten."

Gluten means bad shit, man,
and I'm not eating it.

Mmm!

Mmm-hmm. Oh!

God!

Each bite is better
than the previous bite.

It is. Gluten!

Hey, this looks beautiful.

Yeah. Do you like it?
I totally redid it.

It's fucking awesome.

It's all new. Those are new.

God damn, son! It's
pretty nice, huh?

So this is how the other half lives.
(SETH CHUCKLES)

Come on. Amazing.

Air hockey tables.
Jesus Murphy!

Right? Okay, get ready, Jay.

What?

I have a little
surprise for you.

Okay.

Here's the best weekend you
ever had in your life. Oh!

Look at it, man.

Oh, my... Are you serious?

It's all of your
favorite things.

Starburst and Airheads on a...
Yeah.

And it says "Jay."

In joints. In joints.

It says "Jay" in Jays

Seth Rogen, you are
just the best people.

Come on, I know you don't love it
in LA, so I figure I'll make it...

You know, I'll lube up
your entry a little bit.

It eases the transition.
Yeah, right?

This is the
much-needed foreplay.

You know what else I got?

Yo, this...

A 3-D television.
No, you didn't...

I got a 3-D TV.
Are you serious?

(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

Oh, my God. I did it, man.

What?

Let's get into it.

Oh, my God, bud.

It's Gandalf the Grey's pipe.

Damn, no shit.

(MIMICS Gandalf)
Hello, little hobbit.

Spark my ganja.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.

(LAUGHS DRAMATICALLY)

I'm a well-known
homosexual advocate.

♪ Backstreet's back, all right

♪ Hey, hey, yeah, well

♪ Everybody Rock your body

♪ Everybody a' Everybody

♪ Rook your body right
A“ Rock your body

r everybody!

♪ Backstreet's back... 4'

Seth: Oh, my eyes feel
like they're melting.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I need a break.

Oh. You know what, actually?

We should go to
Franco's house soon.

He's having a
housewarming party.

He just finished
building his house.

I haven't even seenityeL

but it's supposed
to be bonkers.

I haven't been in LA
in, like, a year,

and I came here to
chill with you.

We can chill together, and we'll
chill with those other guys.

We'll all chill
as one big unit.

Will I even know
anybody there?

You know James Franco.

James Franco doesn't
even know my name.

Jonah Hill will be there.

Can't stand him.
He can't stand me.

He's, like, the nicest guy in the world!
He likes you so much.

He specifically talks
about how he likes you.

Out of nowhere, he just
said, "You know what?"

"Jay's an inspiration."

There's no way he said that.
Also, just can't stand him.

Okay, fine. Craig Robinson.

Never met him.

He's hilarious.

Sweats a lot, but
he's a great guy.

So it's gonna be fun, man.

For you, I will go.

I promise, I'll stay with
you all night, okay?

I won't ditch you. No, 'cause I
want to be with you all night.

And you know why else?

'Cause nobody puts
Jay in the corner.

(STEP INTO A WORLD PLAYING)

Awesome.

(LAUGHS) WOW!

Jay: Thank you. Thank you.
There you go. Cool.

Thanks a lot, eh?
Thanks a lot.

DRIVER: Okay, man.

(CHUCKLES) Holy shit.

Wow!

This is crazy!

Yeah? Yeah, man, right?

Look at it. A bit much.

I don't think it
is a bit much.

I think it's right
on the money.

What is he, Pablo Escobar?

Come on, man, this is
an awesome street.

Channing Tatum lives up there.

Oh, for the love of... Will
you stop talking about...

This is the sexiest
street in America.

You and Channing Tatum.

I think he's attractive.

I think it's a cool house.
I know you do.

I can't wait to see inside it.

That's why I'm excited.

Ha-ha! Yes! What's up, man?
Seth!

So happy you're here. I'm
so happy to be here.

Hey, Johnny, what's up?

It's Jay. It's Jay.

LWlnever forget it again, man.
Good to see you.

Nice to see you. Come on in.
Yeah! Yeah, great.

James: Check it out.
My new place!

Seth: Awesome, man!

Designed it myself.

Really cool. This place
is beautiful, man.

This place is like
a piece of me.

You two just
stepped inside me.

You let us both cum inside you.
Yeah.

Icing on the cake.
Check it out.

Painted them myself.

Huh.

Side by side. A team.

(LAUGHS) Holy shit.

So, is it weird?

No. You sure?

I really like it.

What do you think, Jay?

I'm not a big art guy.

You don't like art?

Well, come on...

You play video games? Yes.

Well, guess what, buddy?
You like art.

Yep.

You ever been to Subway?

Yes.

You order a sandwich?

Somebody put that together for you, dude.
That's art.

Sandwich artist.

So, let me lay
this on you, Jay.

Oh, fuck.

Your mama's pussy
was the canvas.

Your Dad's dick was
the paintbrush.

Boom. You're the art. Huh?

Thanks, James Franco.
You got it.

Seth! Mindy, hello.

Oh, my God, great to see you.
Oh, you, too.

Long time. How's it going?

You know Jay? I don't think
I've ever actually met you.

You were so good in
Million Dollar Baby.

That's amazing. Thank you
so much for saying that.

Oh, my God, if I don't
fuck Michael Cera tonight,

I'm gonna blow my brains out.
What?

Fucking pale, 110 pounds,

hairless, probably has a huge
cock, coked out of his mind...

You can do a lot better.
That's just trouble.

So, Ri-Ri, how about you, you
ever see a psychiatrist?

Um...

(GRUNTS)

Jason: That's not cool.
Don't touch my butt, bitch.

Michael, that's not cool. Would
you shut the fuck up, Jason!

We're playing a game, man.

Say cheese, baby.

What's up, buddy?
How's it going, dude?

Good to see you, man.

Is that Jay Baruchel?
Hi, there. Hey.

Oh, my God, get in here, dude.

How's it going, Jonah?
What are you doing?

Good. How you doing, buddy?
Oh, my gosh.

Welcome back. Thank
you very much.

When'd you get in?
Uh, this morning,

and boy, are my arms tired.

(LAUGHS)

Dude, that's great.

Thank you. Jonah: Sick.

What have you guys been doing?

Oh, we just hung out all day.

Ate a bunch of dirty burgers, and
smoked about a fucking pound of weed

and played a bunch
of video games.

Weed is tight. Weed is tight.
That's awesome.

That's awesome.
Weed is awesome.

It was like the golfing
sequence in Navy SEALs.

Sick reference, though, bro.
Oh, thanks, bud.

Dude, your references are out of control.
Everyone knows that.

Hey, thanks, man. I'm jealous.

I would have been
there in a heartbeat,

but, uh, I actually just adopted
this incontinent spaniel.

She's a really beautiful soul.

Her name's Ahjhai. Ahjhai?

Yeah. How do you spell it?

A-H-J-H-A-I.

A-H...

You want to see a
picture of her?

Oh, she's so sweet. Hey!

Look at her. Seth: Aw!

She can't bark. She
doesn't know how, so...

She doesn't know
how to bark, even?

She doesn't know how to bark,

so I've tried to teach her

and she just kind of
screams, and so she was up,

had her face smushed against
the cage, and was, like...

(YELLING) Ah!

Yeah, cool. Um...

Tell you what, boys,
I'm kind ofjonesing,

so I'm gonna find someone loan bum
a smoke off of outside, all right?

That's tight, dude.
Honestly, I like you.

Hey, likewise.

Seth: Okay, dude, come back.

I'll be right back. You're holding court.
All right, boys.

Dude. I know. I think we're
making some progress.

That was really good.

And honestly, he's
your old friend.

We're your new friends.
He feels threatened.

Yeah, man.

You know, and I get it.

It's gonna be fine.

I honestly think
tonight's the night

we bust this whole thing open.

And I'm lucky. It's the
same thing a lot, though.

It's, like, my TV
wife openstheffldge,

andis, Hke, "What happened
to the birthday cake?"

And I come outwith, like,
a little frosting, like,

(GOOFY VOICE) "What
birthday cake?"

'Cause you ate the cake! Yeah.

'Cause you ate the cake!

"It's my birthday."

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

That's why y'all number one.
'Cause of that.

You're Jay, right? Yeah.

Seth's boy? Yeah.

How you doing, man?
Good to see you.

Good. Likewise, likewise.

I'm Craig, man. This is Emma.
Hi. Hi, there.

You just in town
visiting him, or what?

Yeah. Just for a little
visit, you know.

I try to not come
down here very much.

I don't really love it here.

You don't like LA?

I'm just not really
into the LA lifestyle.

What lifestyle are you into?

Look at him. He's, like,
a hipster, right?

No, I'm not a hipster, at all.

Yeah, yeah, you do seem
to hate a lot of things,

and the bottom of your
pants are awful tight.

No, I just... I don't like Los Angeles.
It doesn't make me a hipster.

I'll bet you hate movies
that are universally loved.

I don't even...

You like Forrest Gump?

No, no, it's a horrendous
piece of shit.

"Life is like a box
of chocolates," no?

Yeah, no, I'm
familiar with it.

"You never know what
you're gonna get."

Why don't we do a sequel
to Pineapple Express?

I would love to do a
sequel to Pineapple.

Do you have any ideas, or...

I do have an idea. What?

It's that Red, Danny, has
become, like, the drug lord,

you know, since we
killed the other one,

and he wants to assassinate
Woody Harrelson,

'cause he's gonna give a speech
that makes all of weed legal,

effectively rendering drug
lords out of business.

Awesome. Yeah, it's
fucking awesome,

but we don't have... We don't
know how it should end yet.

I... I know.

Danny's trying to kill us. Yeah.

And I sacrifice
myself for you.

And he kills me,

and I die for you.

And Danny fucking eats me.
(LAUGHS)

Why does he eatyou?
I don't know.

I'm just trying to think of,
like, the nastiest way to go.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, he could eat you.
Okay. That's a good idea, man.

He's just out of his mind.
He just, like, eats me.

Hey, Chris. How's it going?

Hey, does this coke smell funny?
Ooh!

Fuck! Michael, what
the fuck, man?

That's expensive
shit, motherfucker!

What are you doing?

I've never fucking done cocaine, dude.
Why does it fucking...

Well, you did the best shit
possible for your first time,

'cause that's good fucking...

Fuck, fuck, fuck,
I'm nervous, dude.

I don't know what... What
is wrong with you, man?

Look, he's freaking out.
Oh, shit.

I've never done this
fucking drug before, man.

Mike, please.

I'll walk you through it. I
will walk you through it.

Mike, no one...
I'll be your guide.

You're fine, Chris. You're fine.
Is it on...

You got some in your
mustache, baby.

What are you... Michael!

(PLAYING PIANO) Now, fellas, I
want you to real sexy right now.

We're gonna sing
to all the ladies.

All the fellas go like this,
in your Barry White voice.

I Take your panties off.

MEN: A' Take your panties off.

Craig: ♪ Take your panties off

MEN: A' Take your panties off.

Craig: J' Come on, Rihanna
Take your panties off for me

♪ Come on, Craig, can
you fuck off for me? I

(CHEERING)

I'll do one of them things.
(LAUGHTER)

James: Like an angel.

What about the
host of the party?

♪ I ain't got no panties on

♪ He ain't got no
panties, everybody!

♪ We ain't got no panties on

♪ We ain't got no
panties on (LAUGHTER)

♪ We ain't got no panties on

♪ We ain't got no panties on

♪ Ain't nobody got
no panties on

♪ We ain't got no panties on

♪ Ain't no party like
a no-panty party

♪ 'Cause a no-panty
party don't stop

"James". 4“ Fuck
those panties.

ALL: A' Fuck those...

James: (DISTANTLY) ♪
Fuck those panties

ALL: A' Fuck those panties.

"James". 4“ Fuck
those panties a'.

What's not kid-friendly?

There's a lot of sharp edges.
Concrete, sharp edges.

David: He's gonna bust his head
open on one of those things.

A kid could fall off this
fucking railing right here.

That's why you have the
railing, so they don't fall.

Hey. Sorry. I want to
have kids one day.

Hey, Jay. Oh, hey, hi, Jonah.

Is there any place around here I
can buy a pack of cigarettes?

Yeah.

There's a place like, it's
like, four blocks away, maybe.

You want to come with me?

Give me this much time.
That much joint time.

(WOMAN GASPS) Oh!

Jesus! Hey, Jay.

Hey, you need to use the toilet, honey?
Go ahead.

Nope, I'm... lsorry.

Who wants a sip? Sip time.

(SIPPING) (JAY GROANS)

You okay, man?

It's nothing. It's
just, you know,

as soon as we got there, you did
what you said you wouldn't do.

What did I do? You just
fucking ditched my ass.

I didn't ditch you. Are
you kidding me, man?

I did not ditch you.

I was talking to Jonah, and then
you left to go have a cigarette.

Well, you know, my
cigarette was an excuse.

I really went outside 'cause
Jonah was being a prick.

Jonah was not being a prick.

If anything, you were
kind of being a prick.

Jonah's the nicest
guy ever, man.

Oh, my God, that's a
thin veneer of kindness.

Nobody's that nice.

Jonah is that nice.

Serial killers are that nice.

Just answer me one question.

Is Michael Cera's butthole
as adorable as I pictured?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I picture it looking
like a little donut,

like a little pink
sprinkled donut.

Oh, it's so bright in here.

It is fucking bright.

Oh, I'm so high.

There's so many delicious choices.
What do I do?

I'm gonna get something to drink.
Okay.

Excuse me, would
it be possible

for my daughter to
use your restroom?

She's really got to go.

Read the sign. Customers only.

Seriously?

Why the fuck you think
I put up the sign?

DAUGHTER: It's okay, Dad.
I can hold it.

FATHER: Let's just buy
something for your mother.

CASHIER: Yeah, well, I
guess you better, huh?

This cash register
lady is mean.

I have anxiety. Will
you buy this for me?

When I'm stoned,
I can't do this.

I think I'm just gonna
head back to your place.

I'm not really liking it very
much over there at Franco's.

Dude, I want you to get to know these guys.
That's never gonna happen

if you don't put in any
effort whatsoever, okay?

I hate it in there.

I just want to drink some
pop and smoke some weed.

(EXPLOSION THUNDERING)
(ALL SCREAMING)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPING)

(SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

What about...

What about me?

(SETH SCREAMS)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(PANTING NERVOUSLY)

Are you okay? Are you okay?

Did you just see that?

What the hell?

Oh, my God, Jesus, Jesus!
Run, run, run!

This way! Qkav, okay, okay!

(CAR ALARMS BLARING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh, my God! Oh, oh...

(CAR HORN HONKS) Oh, Jesus.

(MAN SCREAMS)

Run!

Jesus Christ!

Why the fuck did you
bring me down here?

(SCREAMS)

The fuck, Seth? I don't
know what's happening!

(HORN HONKS)

We're going back to Franco's.
Why?

Seth: Just run! Keep running!

Jay: Oh, my fuck!

(BOTH YELL)

We are going back to Franco's!

Oh, God damn it.

(SIRENS WAILING) (CAR HONKING)

Jesus! Oh, shit!

This way. We're almost there!
We're so close!

(RETRO MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH PANTING)

Hey, you guys okay?

Are you guys Okay?

There was a crazy earthquake.
Did you guys feel that?

That was insane. Fuck, no.

We can't feel
anything in here.

This place is a
fucking fortress.

That wasn't an
earthquake, man.

That was something way
fucking crazier. No...

What's crazier than
an earthquake?

There were beams of Blue
light coming out of the sky

and people getting
sucked up into the sky.

He's on hallucinogens.
(ALL LAUGHING)

Come on, guys. Don't bully Jay.
He's a sweetheart.

Keep going, man. What
are you talking about?

(PANTING)

There were people,
and they were there,

and they got sucked
up into the sky.

Seth: Jay. Sucked
up into the sky?

Nobody got sucked up in here.

I got sucked off here.

(LAUGHTER)

No, okay, ask Seth. He was...

You were there. Tell them.

Seth, what the fuck's
he talking about?

(CHUCKLES)

I have no idea what he's
talking about honestly.

Did anybody get sucked
up into the sky?

Seth: I didn't see anything.

I don't know what
he's talking about.

Jay: You were there with me.
What are you saying?

All those people that were in the store
with us, they just fucking vanished.

I didn't see Blue light
sucking people up in the sky.

You sound crazy, man. We
should just be lucky we're...

It's not over! (RUMBLING)

Seth: It's okay. Just relax.

Everyone, it's all right. Just a little tremor.
Party's still going.

In-N-Out truck's
coming in 10 minutes.

(ALL CHEERING)

MAN: Yes. James: Animal style!

Oh, my fuck! (ALL SCREAMING)

MAN: Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
WOMAN: Move! Move!

Move, move, move, move!
This place is safe!

Kevin: This place is not safe!

Craig, where you going, man?

It's a fucking eaflhquake! Fuck!

Move, move, move, come on! Get
out of my way. Move, girl!

James: Oh, my God, Seth!
Seth: Oh, shit!

James: Seth. What the fuck?

James: Don't go on the grass,
not everybody on the grass!

(CROWD MURMURING)

What the fuck?

Oh, God!

What the fuck is happening?
Paul!

What's happening?

All right, everybody, listen up.
Listen up.

Who took my fucking
cell phone, man?

Martin, empty your pockets!
What?

I saw you in the bathroom, man!
Somebody dial my phone!

Shut the fuck up!
It's unbelievable!

It's unacceptable after all the
coke I've wasted on you people.

I've thrown it away.

I didn't take your
fucking cell phone.

310... Whoa, whoa, whoa! Mike,
Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike...

(CROWD GASPING)

My face!

What's happening to me?
What's happening?

Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING)

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

(RING-TONE PLAYING)

Oh, shit, that's embarrassing.

(CROWD SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

James: Rihanna!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Please give me your foot!

Oh, my God!

Craig, Craig, help me.
I'm losing my grip!

It's too late for you!
You're already in the hole!

What the fuck are
you talking about?

Craig: Get the fuck
out of my way!

(CROWD SCREAMS)

Oh!

Sorry.

(SCREAMING)

Karen!

Seth, come on! Get in the house!
Come on, Seth!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God, I'm gonna die!

(GRUNTS)

Martin!

Oh, shit! Kevin! Kevin!

What the fuck?

Geez, get the fuck
off me, Aziz!

Ow, ow, ow!

(SCREAMING)

Fuck you, Kevin! (SCREAMING)

Oh, God, no, get your
fucking hands off me!

Get your fucking...

(SCREAMS)

(SHOUTING)

(MAN SCREAMS)

No! (SCREAMS)

Jay, I can't hold
on much longer.

You have to reach out and grab me.
You hear?

Okay, uh, you take my hand,
and I will swing you up.

Are you sure? I'm gonna
give you my whole weight.

I'm gonna reach for you, all right?
Yeah, yeah.

Are you sure you can do that?

I can grab you on three.

One, two, three.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

All right, buddy.

Now I'm gonna, I'm
gonna swing across.

I got you, buddy.

You're gonna hold my
weight, all of it.

Okay, come on.

You can hold on to my full weight?
I can do it.

I don't want to die. Okay.

One, two... Two, three.

No! (SCREAMS)

No! No!

(SCREAMING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(PANTING)

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Oh, man.

Fuck.

(WAILING CONTINUES)

Holy shit! What happened?

Jay, you're alive. Jay.

Oh, thank God, Jay.
I'm not dead yet.

James: I told you guys
not to go outside.

What just happened?

Jesus Christ, they are
all fucking dead.

James: I told you guys
not to run outside.

(PANTING) You all right?

(SOBBING) I tried to save Aziz.
I tried.

(SOBBING) You did your best, man.
I love you.

Why the fuck did you
guys run out there?

You know what, James, can
you lower your voice?

You're freaking out Jay!

Maybe I'm a little
freaked out, too!

He's not as strong as you.
Jay: They all fell in.

James: Look at my house! Jay: I tried
to save them. They all fell in.

(Jonah SHUSHING) Get your fucking hands off me.
Jonah, stop touching me.

Can we get Jay some
water, please?

Can we get him some hydration?

He needs to be hydrated. Seth:
The water's not working!

Everyone just runs
out the door!

My phone is dead.

Guys, the fucking
lnternet's not working!

Let's watch the TV.
Let's check the news.

Jay: Where is the TV?

It's in the floor.
In the floor?

Craig: Oh, that's dope.
James: Yeah, cool, huh?

That's really neat.

That is impressive, James.

The biggest earthquake
to ever hit Los...

Officers urging people to stay
in their homes right now.

And also reports of
looting and rioting

are spreading across the city.

Riots.

Police are pretty
much outnumbered

as people are turning
to one another.

Martial law has now
been declared.

Air Force One has gone down...

Shit. It's gone, guys.

(STAMMERS) So I
think we should...

I think we should probably
go back to your place, eh?

What are you talking
about, man?

No, no way. I'm
not leaving here.

I don't want to die at
James Franco's house.

Seth: You heard the TV.

The TV said stay here. It
said stay in your homes.

We need to stay here until they
start rescuing people, okay?

A huge earthquake happens.
Who do they rescue first?

Actors. Seth: Famous people.

They'll get Clooney,
Sandra Bullock, me.

If there's room,
you guys'll come.

The point is, is that we're all
gonna get out of this first.

(EXPLOSION THUNDERS)

Craig: What the hell was that?

Seth: It's already going
crazy out there, guys.

We can't leave. I'm not leaving, okay?
I'm a victim.

I've had a victim's mentality my whole life.
People can smell it on me.

When I was a kid, I
had man-titties.

The bullies held me down,
they tittie-fucked me.

That's what's happening
out there right now.

That's right, we are all soft.

Yeah. We are all soft!

We are actors! We pretend
to be hard, man.

James: Yeah. We
soft as baby shit.

As baby shit, soft as... Wait,
Craig, what are you doing, man?

Hey, hey, what are you doing? What
are you doing to the painting, man?

We got to board this shit up, man.
Board it up?

We got to protect ourselves.
We don't know

how long we gonna be in here.
Okay, chill.

There's raccoons, and
bandits, and shit out there.

This is Obey, man! If
you get out the way!

This is my favorite fucking painting!
What are you doing, Craig?

Guys, help.

Help. Help. Get off.

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)

Chill. Look.

Helicopter! Helicopter!

The good guys are here. We're fine!
It's gonna be fine.

(CRASHING)

(SCREAMS) God damn!

(ALL GASPING) Craig: Oh!
God damn!

OW! Shit!

You Okay?

No, I'm not okay!

Fuck your house, Franco!

My house didn't do that! Aah!

(SIZZLES) Ow.

You don't got a tool kit or nothing?
Just a toolbox?

I don't know. Look in there.

Where's the edge of this shit?

Seth: Your thumb's
in my butthole, man.

Whoa.

Y'all need this dick?

No, we're not using it.

All right, I'm gonna
take it over here.

James: Careful with that dick.
Damn.

It's heavy.

There it is, got
that dick now.

That dick is coming now.

Yeah, got this big dick.

James: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey.

What now? Listen.

Not the Rogen, all right?
Don't take him.

Take me.

We got 12 bottles of water,
56 beers, two vodkas,

four whiskeys, six bottles
of wine, Tequila, Nutella,

cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas,
apples, bacon, steaks,

pancake mix, CT Crunch,
milk, ketchup, a Milky Way,

half ounce Sour Diesel, three and
a half grams Grand Master Kush,

one ounce of 'shrooms,
15 pills of ecstasy,

a porno mag, a baseball bat,

and the video camera
from the movie 27 Hours.

127 Hours.

Uh...

127 Hours.

And a functioning revolver
from the movie Flyboys.

Old Faithful.

Jesus. Thing's real.

No, I kept this from the movie.
Yeah.

This is an actual revolver.
I see.

Franco, that's very
uncomfortable.

Could you put that
down, please?

Loaded.

Jonah: Love it. Awesome.

Can you just put the gun away?
I always keep my props.

That's really cool.
Always keep my props.

I know how to handle it.

He knows what he's doing.
I like this bit.

I like it. I get it. Let me see.

It's real. It's heavy.
Let me see it like that.

God damn! Seth: Come on, guys!

You could kill...
James: Careful.

Bang, bang! Jay: Jesus!

Please, put it down! Oh, fuck!

Bang, bang, bang. You're dead.

I hope you're fucking happy.
Pow, pow, pow.

Stop... Guys, stop
fucking with the gun.

Jesus! Jesus! Pow, pow.

It's a real gun! Bang.

It's so funny. It's so funny.

Guys, it's funny.
Jay: It's not funny!

We're getting sidetracked.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'll just kill myself.
ALL: No!

Don't do that, Jonah!
Jay: Jesus.

Oh, no. Jonah, give it back.

I don't know! I don't know.
Don't do that.

James: Jonah. I'm so...

Jay: Oh, my God. Hey.
Craig: Oh, dude.

Jay: Come on, no, no.
Don't. Jesus!

Would you put the thing down?
The whole...

I'm trying to have
some fun, man.

Okay, okay, Jesus.

Jonah: Look, just because a bunch
of people fell into a hole outside

doesn't mean we can't
have some fun.

We're a bunch of best friends hanging out.
It's like a sleepover.

Okay, food. How are we
gonna deal with this?

Um...

Can I have that Milky Way?

No, you can't have
the Milky Way.

That's my Milky Way.
There's a bunch... What?

I went out this morning,

specifically bought this Milky
Way to eat after my party.

That's weird.

It's not weird. It's
my special food.

I like it. Back me
up on that, Seth.

I don't think you should
get the whole Milky Way.

I want some of the Milky Way.

I'd be pretty bummed if I don't at
least get a bite of the Milky Way.

Oh! Now Craig wants a
bite of the Milky Way.

Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way.
It's a fucking Milky Way.

A fifth of everything is
what's fair and reasonable.

Everyone gets a fifth
of everything.

I want one-fifth
of your T-shirt!

I want the bottom
part, the belly.

I'm not sporting a crop
top in your house.

I'll cut that shit off
and make a headband.

You couldn't
handle my midriff.

Guys, the only issue is, I
kind of need the Milky Way.

For fuck's sake.

No, for real, I have
low blood sugar,

and if my endorphins
drop too low,

I'm gonna be a nightmare
to be around.

What? Your LBS starts acting up,

you can have a finger
scoop of Nutella, okay?

One finger scoop of Nutella.
Fair.

I'm going to bed.

Jesus fucking...

Don't touch that
Milky Way, Jonah.

Night, James.

(GUNFIRE SOUNDS)
(EXPLOSIONS IN DISTANCE)

MAN: (IN DISTANCE)
Oh, God, no!

(WHISPERING) Fuck.

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)

(EXPLOSION NEARBY)

(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)

(FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)

Hey-Hey

I'm gonna sleep with you.

What? I'm gonna sleep with you.

It's too scary to sleep alone.

But this is my little area.

Well, I'm invading
your little area.

I'm sorry, but I'm
too scared, okay?

Are you mad at me, man?

If I was pissed at you,

I'm sure it would
have something to do

with the fact that
I had no interest

in coming to this
house socially,

and now, lam
barricaded in here

with a bunch of people
that I really hate.

Maybe this was meant to be.

Maybe this horrible, horrible,
deadly earthquake happened

so we could become closer
as a group of friends.

I don't need a group. I'm like DMX, man.
I'm a lone wolf.

DMX isn't a lone wolf.

DMX has the Ruff Ryder crew.

You can't stop, drop,
and open up shop alone.

You need people to help you in an
earthquake disastery situation.

It was something else.
It was Judgment Day.

Like Terminator 2?

No, not like Terminator 2.
For God's sakes.

Like Skynet? You think
this is Skynet?

Like, Skynet went live? No.

Will you please stop
saying "Skynet"?

Well, you're the one
that said Judgment Day.

The biblical Judgment Day.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

What? That's crazy. It's just...

You fucking heathen.

Okay, here's the thing.

Let's say for a second
there was Blue light

sucking people
up into the sky.

That means that we were not
awesome enough to go to heaven.

(FOOTSTEPS THUDDING) Shit!
Shit.

What y'all doing?

Fuck you, Craig.

I'm scared. It's
scary by myself.

It's way better
with more people.

I'm gonna come down here.

Seth: Oh, yeah, good, yeah.
Get in here, man.

Get right in there.

So, you're gonna...

Right here. Right here.

I feel better, actually.
I like that.

It's better with more people.

Hey, guys...

Jay: Jesus Christ.
Seth: Jesus!

Sorry. Franco has this
crazy open floor plan.

I can hear every word
you guys are saying.

I might as well hang with
you guys if that's cool.

Nice. Coming in hot.

I gonna grab a
blanket from you.

Give me that blanket.

Get in the middle of it.
That's good.

That's it. It feels so
much more safe now, guys.

It's nice here.

Should we spoon it?
Yeah, you want to?

No! Want to go...

Dick to butt? No.

My butt to you and then Jay.

I don't want to butt
to dick to anything.

Are you docking into me?
You're doing tip to me?

Or what are you doing?

Should we go butt to
butt or dick to...

Seth and I are gonna
go ass to ass.

Do you want to go
front to front?

No, I'm fine just
going dicks up.

Dicks up?

I think I'm going dick to ass.
You know what?

I'm going Scarf ace-style.

Both of you guys. Wait, yeah.

There we go. Yeah.

This is the best way.

Good night, boys.

Good night. Good night.

Good night, guys.

Night, my sweet guys.
Good night.

Craig: Sweet dreams, fellas.

(EXPLOSIONS RUMBLING)

(WHEN THE SHIT
GOES DOWN PLAYING)

♪ Livin' on fat pockets
on flat wit tha gat

♪ Rollin' around a
nine deuce Cadillac

♪ Still got my homies
to watch my back

♪ And they'll smoke ya ass
if you wanna come and chat

♪ Why wallow when you come to roll on?
I put the clip

♪ And before I bring ya ass on

♪ Kickin' dust on
your head like I bust

I My grip surrounded,
I'm about...

Fuck, yeah.

♪ When tha shit goes
down ya better be ready

I When tha shit goes down

♪ When tha shit goes
down ya better be ready

I When tha shit goes down

♪ When tha shit goes
down ya better be ready

I Ya better be ready 4'

(TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING)

Franco! Good
morning, sunshine.

Guys! Guys! Wake up!

Danny's alive! He's eating
all the fucking food!

No! Danny, man, don't.

Danny!

No, it's cool, man. I fucking
made this for you guys.

Stop eating!

Don't eat another
piece of bacon.

Guys, just chill the
fuck out, okay?

I'm sure the Green Goblin can
fucking afford some more bacon.

Dude, that shit's supposed to
last us till we get rescued!

Wait a second. I
know what happened.

You guys dropped acid, didn't you?
Mmm-hmm.

Craig doesn't have any pants on.
He got fucking wild.

Probably danced, sweated
all over the place.

You got white shit all
over your mouth, Franco.

You probably sucked
somebody's dick.

Jonah over here probably
watched and jerked off.

Jay, I didn't even know you were in town.
Good to see you.

Danny, we're not on acid. We
didn't suck each other's dicks!

James Franco didn't suck
any dick last night?

Now I know y'all are tripping.

You actually not know
what happened last night?

Daniel, you may want to
stay seated for a second.

Some really messed-up
stuff happened,

and there were a
lot of fatalities.

Oh, really? You're putting
your serious voice on, Jonah?

Okay, tell me about
these "fatalities."

Dude, Segel's dead, Krumholtz
is dead, Michael Cera's dead.

Guess if Michael Cera's gone, it's
not a total loss, huh? (LAUGHS)

Jay: Jesus, Danny.
Michael Cera's dead.

What? It's not like that.

It's not funny, man.
It's really not funny.

Seth, that's a
better performance

than you've given in
your last six movies.

Where the tuck was that
"m Green Hornet, huh'?"

Jonah, you're fucking
sucking balls.

You're an Academy Award
nominated person.

You need to be fucking
selling that shit, dude.

(DRAMATICALLY) "Fatalities.
There were some fatalities."

Fatalities.

Okay, now that was good.
That was good.

Does it seem like
we're fucking joking?

Hey, hey, hey! What the
fuck you eating, man?

Spit it out your mouth. Give me the bacon!
(GUYS GROANING)

(THUDDING) (GLASS SHATTERING)

(WHISPERING) Shit.

Shit, what do we do?

Craig: Shoot 'em! Shoot 'em!
Shoot 'em!

(THUDDING CONTINUES)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

James: Should I shoot?

Jay: Shut up, Franco! Craig:
Shoot the door, Franco!

Oh, God!

Did you not hear me knocking out here?
I've been knocking forever.

Please! Please! You've
got to let me in!

Hang on a second. What?

(WHISPERING) Guys, I know
it sounds really weird,

but I don't think we
should let him in.

Why not?

Yeah, why not? I can
hear you, by the way.

I'm sorry. We just
don't know you, man.

You could be like, a looter, or
a rapist, or a tittie-fucker.

Like, I'm sorry.

Look, guys, we just boarded up this
whole house to keep everyone out,

and the first guy comes to the
door, we're gonna let him in?

I mean, how do we know
we can trust this guy?

I want to live! Things
have gone crazy out here!

(JABBERING GOOFILY) "Fucking crazy
out here!" This guy fucking sucks.

What if he's the rapist?

Man, even if he is a rapist,

he can't rape all of us. Yeah!
No! So I'm not...

I'm not a rapist! You
want to tittie-fuck us?

If you want me to tittie-fuck you, I will!
So good! You'll love it.

Seth, back me up, please.

We can't just leave him out there to die.
Are you crazy?

What do you want to do? I'll
do whatever you want to do.

Let's vote on it.

Yeah, I fucking
vote you let me in.

Here's my vote.
Fuck all of you.

I'm letting him in.
This is boring.

There's something out here!

(CREATURE GROW LS',

(ALL SCREAMING)

This is real! This
is fucking real!

God damn it!

(CLAMORING)

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING AND CLAMORING)

You guys!

This man was alive
a few seconds ago.

We can't play soccer
with his head!

James: Pick it up, Jonah!

(GROANS)

Seth: What the
fuck is going on?

He blinked at me.

He blinked at my face.
Seth, put it over there.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, my God!

I got it. I got it, guys.

There's blood all
over my floor!

Jonah: Time to relax
for a second.

Okay, someone should
look out the hole.

I ain't looking out that hole!

Last person looked through that
hole got his head chopped off!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Whatever is
out there might still be out there.

(SHUSHING)

(WHISPERING) Okay, I know, I know.
Come on. Come on. Come on.

Jay: Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.

There's a lookout!

Jesus Christ! Look, there's a
huge fucking hole down there!

What the fuck is this?

Where's the thing
that killed the guy?

I don't know.

How'd his head fall off?

And where's the rest of him?

(BEEP S)

Hi.

This is James Franco,

in my house, in my library.

We've been stuck here
for about 24 hours.

Danny McBride is here.

I didn't even invite
him to my party,

but he came and passed
out in the bathtub,

and I got to say it's, like,
typical fucking McBride.

Like, I've been feeling really
weird about him lately.

Like, I don't really know if I
want to be friends with him,

and then he fucking
showed up at my party,

and now, we're stuck here with
him in disaster lockdown, so...

(KNOCKS)

What up? What's going on?

Hey, Danny. What's up, man?

Not much. What are you doing?
What is this?

Oh, it's just a
video confessional.

Fuck that dude.

James: Earthquakes 'cause tsunamis.
Seth: Yes.

James: Tsunamis 'cause
other tsunamis, disaster.

I mean, for all we know, the fucking
Lakers could have just won,

and that's the reason why
all this is happening.

Hole in Franco's front yard?
Sinkhole.

Every single time I turn on the
news, sinkhole in South America.

Bunch of South Americans getting
sucked into the ground.

Sinkhole de Mayo.
Sinkhole de Mayo.

That's why it's named that,

because sinkholes happen
in the summertime.

It's not wildfires. It's not earthquakes.
It's not sinkholes.

I think I know what it is.

Let's hear it.

I think it's the Apocalypse.

What? (CHUCKLING)

I'm serious, boys. It's all in
here, in the Book of Revelations.

You took my Bible?

Well, just hear me out,

and you tell me that
what I'm describing

isn't what's going on right now.
(CLEARS THROAT)

"And the skies shall open up, and the
light of the Lord shall shine down,"

"and those of good heart shall be
brought into my kingdom of heaven."

That's the Rapture, those are the
gigantic beams of Blue light.

"And there will be a great
Mountain burning in fire."

I mean, the Hollywood Hills are
literally engulfed in flames

as we sit here right now.

The Hollywood Hills ain't no Mountain.
It's a hill.

Takes about 10 minutes
to get across

that motherfucker
with no traffic.

Goldwater. I take
Laurel Canyon.

Cahuenga. Cahuenga.

I usually zip down Barham. Boys,
can I just fucking finish?

Craig: I love Laurel Canyon.

"And out of the pit Rose a great
red dragon having seven heads,"

"that old serpent called
the devil and Satan,"

"which deceiveth
the whole world,"

"was released onto the earth."

I love that dude. He's from
Where the Wild Things Are.

It's a load of bullshit.

It's not bullshit.

James: Want to know
something else, Jay?

If this is the end
of the world,

and all the good people died,

what you're saying is Seth,
me, Jonah, Craig and Danny

are a bunch of assholes.

I'm straight-up lovable, son.

And if this really
is the Apocalypse,

you're here, too.

So, that means you're just
as shitty as the rest of us.

Doesn't feel too
good, does it?

Hey, guys. I'm going
to sleep now.

Nobody come in here
and bother me.

Go fish.

Put it back inside of here.

Do you know what it is? Yeah.

Now you ask me for
something that you need.

Dan NY: First bit.

Seth: You're not
cutting it all?

That's smart. You're
divvying it up first.

This is like, Fruyere or some shit.
That's me.

Come on, Danny!

You licked your finger.
Come on, man.

Danny: If they're all
equal, what does it matter?

Craig: Keep your hands
and fingers off.

Seth? Yeah.

Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, no shit.

(SIGHS)

Here. Off the menu, my man.

Holy shit, man. Where
did you get these?

Hey, what's cheese without a few crackers?
Know what I'm saying?

Hide it. Okay.

'Cause we're a team.

Okay.

Freaks forever, brother.

Let's do all the drugs.

I don't really want to.

Should have thought of that before
you drank a can full of ecstasy.

(SPITTING)

What?

(GANGNAM STYLE PLAYING)

♪ Gangnam style

♪ Op, op, op, op,
oppan Gangnam style

♪ Gangnam style

♪ Op, op, op, op,
oppan Gangnam style

I Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

♪ Eh, sexy lady

♪ Op, OP, 0P» 0p

I Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh

♪ Oppan Gangnam style a'

(PAPER PLANES PLAYING)

♪ I fly like paper,
get high like planes

♪ If you catch me at the
border I got visas in my name

♪ If you come around
here, I make 'em all day

♪ I get one down in a
second if you wait...

(COUGHING)

Should we call Red?
Get more weed?

Oh, I don't know, man.
That guy's gone crazy.

Good thing I have a lot of
fucking weed for you guys.

I hooked you guys UP-

Now I need you guys to
assassinate Woody Harrelson.

If pot's legalized, my
business will suffer.

And if my business
suffers, I suffer.

So much suffering.

All 'cause of that inbred
hemp seed, Woody Harrelson.

I have to do what's right.

Weed is for the people.
It's the people's weed.

If you don't assassinate him...
We already quit.

I'm gonna assassinate
both of you.

Run! Go!

(SCREAMS)

I And take your money

♪ All I wanna do is... a'

B.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.
forever.

B.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.F.

(SCREAMING)

Look out! Shit!

You're letting them get away!
(SCREAMING)

I smoked weed with Steve Jobs,

and that's when he
came up with the iPad.

(LAUGHTER) It's pretty great.

We should make sequels
to more of our movies.

Craig: Yeah!

"James". How about we
not do Your Highness 2?

Yeah. Do 128 Hours.

The beginning of the rest of
your comedies. Looks good.

(THUDDING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

Emma! It's Emma.

Oh, my God, you
guys are alive.

You're actually alive.
Thank God!

I hid in a drainpipe for days.

Like, three or four. I
don't even know how many.

And then I stopped
hearing people,

and I started hearing
growling noises.

Out there, in
your travels, uh,

did you see anything
that you would describe

as Apocalyptish?

I mean, no,

but, uh, I would say it's completely
obvious what's going on here.

I mean, it's a
zombie invasion.

Fuck! Danny: I'm the one who
said it's been zombies.

You said zombies? I said
zombies the whole time.

You said zombies? I don't think...
You never said zombies.

Wait a second. You guys
haven't been proven right.

These are still just theories.

Honestly, I'm just so relieved
that you guys are here,

and I'm very happy about the
idea of sleeping and just...

You tired? Yeah.

If you want to take
a little rest,

you're welcome to
do that upstairs.

Thank you. Cool.

James: I'll show you the way.
Emma: Thank you.

Thanks, guys. Seriously,
you're awesome, really.

You're awesome. (CHUCKLES)

So fucking tight.

We'll be right out here, okay?

(WHISPERS) Fuck are you
guys doing out here?

Here's what I think we should do.
She's British, right?

She's used to eating
shitty food anyway.

Let's just give her all the
shitty food that we don't want.

That's fucked up.
Look how tiny she is.

She's not even a full seven.
She's, like, half a seven.

This is a fucking
cool thing, man.

I, for one, am very excited.

I'm a massive
Harry Potter fan.

What? Yes. I love
fucking Harry Potter.

I cannot wait
till she wakes up

and I can ask her all these
amazing questions about

how they made those
motion pictures.

Take it easy, Dumbledore.

Guys, listen, listen.
I think we need to

address the elephant
in the room.

Whoa. Jay, don't talk
about Craig like that.

That's fucked up. I'm
right here, man. Yeah.

I'm not calling
Craig an elephant.

Wow, that's fucking weird.
What does that even mean?

Jay: Yeah, no. That's racist.

I wasn't referring to him.

I was referring to the issue
that's on all of our minds.

What?

This is one girl in a
house with six males.

Yeah. Really safe.

Idealscenaflo.

She's like a little sister.

I think that she needs...

It's important that
she feels safe.

Yeah. And comfortable.

And we should be mindful.

Who's making her
not feel safe?

Well, I'm just
saying, we should...

We don't want to
give off a bad vibe.

Vibe? Vibes? I ain't
giving no vibes.

Yeah, wait, what kind of vibes
are you talking about, man?

He's talking about us
giving off a rapey vibe.

Hey! Shh! Jonah: Whoa! What?

Jesus. Jay, what the fuck, man?

Chill out, dude.

Why you putting that
shit in the mix? Yeah.

He fucking said it.
You're the one saying it.

No one here is thinking
about raping anyone.

Shh! Well, you
talking about vibes

is the only thing that's
rapey going on right now.

Dude, nothing was rapey till you
brought up the rapey vibes.

Fucking one who smelt it dealt it, dawg.
True that, dude.

One who denies it suppfiesit

I know, it's farts, I get it.

Guys, GUYS, GUYS-

Jay's not rapey.

Jay couldn't rape a fly.

Seth: He probably could.

Maybe we should just stop this
entire conversation right now.

If anyone's gonna
rape anyone here,

it's probably gonna be Danny.

What the fuck, Franco? What?

Why do you think I'm
gonna rape somebody?

I'm just trying to
lay it out there.

I'm not gonna rape
anyone, all right?

If anyone's gonna rape
somebody, it's Jay.

Jay: What? Danny: He came
up with the rape idea.

And his face looks
like the police sketch

of a fucking rapist.
James: True.

What the fuck does that mean?

If anybody's raping
Emma Watson,

it's fucking Sir
Rapes-a-Lot over here.

Chill out. Emma: Hey!

ALL: Whoa!

Easy. Easy.

Back the fuck up!

Emma. What's wrong?

Wait, what's wrong?
What's wrong?

I just heard you
guys talking about

which one of you is
gonna get to rape me.

ALL: No, no, no, no!

Guys, I got it. I got it.

No. It's funny. It's funny.

We were specifically talking
about not raping you.

(SCREAMS)

Jesus! Holy shit!

Emma: Back up!

(CLAMORING) It's me, Jonah!

It's me, Jonah Hill.

America's sweetheart.
J-bug, J-bone.

Your friend. I would never hurt you.
Get back!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Give me everything you have to drink!
Put it in the bag!

There's six of us.
You cannot rob us!

I'm not fucking around!

Give her drinks!
Give her drinks!

Put the drinks in a bag!
(CLAMORING)

Oh, God. Get all the
drinks in a bag!

Hurry the fuck up!

Okay, they're
getting the drinks.

Put the ax down. Don't
give the Milky Way away.

All right, you can
put the ax down now.

Now, Franco! Shoot her face!

Shoot her!

I'm not gonna shoot
Emma Watson!

Look, Emma, just
stay here with us.

It's a lot safer
than out there.

(YELLS)

(FIRE CRACKLING)

Hermione just stole
all of our shit.

Little bitty-ass
20-year-old jacked us.

And then Jay suggested that we all
rape her, and now she's gone.

I didn't... I was just... I...

I think the only reason why he
did that is because Jay knows

he's about fucking
two minutes away

from becoming the
house bitch himself.

So now, motherfuckers
is thirsty.

All right, GUYS.

The door to the
basement's out there,

around the side of the house.

I know for sure there's at
least two jugs of water.

Okay.

Uh...

Any volunteers?

Does anyone want to
volunteer and go with Jay?

What?

I thought you said, "Someone
volunteer to go with me out there."

I must have misheard you.

I'm sorry. You did
not, you motherfucker.

Seth: Hey, okay, ease up.

Just chill out, dude.
Just relax, man. God.

So how we gonna
decide this, fellas?

Seth: All right,
guys, it's simple.

Whoever pulls the burnt match
has to go get the water.

Who wants to go first?

I'll do it.

James: Craig.

All right.

Go ahead, brother.

(GROANS)

No whammies, no whammies.

Danny: Hey, hey. Seth: Yes!
Yeah!

Yes!

Jay: Wooh! Seth:
Fuck, yes.Fuck, yes.

So sorry, Craig. James:
A lot of guys in here

that I wish it was
instead of you.

You want to go best
two out of three?

If I tug, if I pull in anyway,
or if you hear me screaming,

anything, you pull me
right back in, all right?

Yeah. We'll try, man, but
you're pretty heavy.

What?

No, I mean, I'm saying, I
just don't think it's smart

to make any guarantees.
Fuck, no.

You promise to pull me back in.
No, no, we're...

You got me? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're gonna do our best.
All right.

You want to do a test run? Yeah.

You gotta scream. Let
us hear the scream.

(SCREAMS WEAKLY) Pull.

Nice. Very nice.

Everyone thank Craig
for doing this.

Thanks, Craig.
Thank you, Craig.

Go for it, Craig.

Getting smoky in here.
Go, go, go, go.

(FIRE CRACKLING)
This is fucked up.

Goddamn.

Smoky as fuck out here.

(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)

(CREATURE GROWLING) (GASPS)

(GROWLING CONTINUES)

Rope burn! Ah! Ooh!

Grab it, grab it, grab it!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Shit. Oh, no.

Shit. Shit.

(CREATURE ROARING)

Come on, motherfucker. Shit!

(CREATURE GROWLING)

Fuck this shit.

(CREATURE ROARING)

(GRUNTS)

Fellas, fellas! Pull me in!
Pull the rope!

Pull me in! We don't
have the rope anymore!

We fucking dropped it!
We're sorry!

You've got the rope, man!

What?

(CREATURE ROARING)

(SCREAMING)

Craig! What the fuck do we do?

Craig! Craig!

(SCREAMS)

Seth: Are you okay?

What happened, man?

I don't know! There's
something out there.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, shit!

(CLAMORING)

A knife! Somebody
throw me a knife!

I'll get it.

(SCREAMING)

Why? OMG.

Jay, I'm so sorry, bro.

The fuck?

(SCREAMS)

Cut it! Cut it! Cut it!
Cut it! Cut it!

(CREATURE ROARING)

God! What the fuck was that?

I don't know what
the fuck that was,

but I ain't going
back out there.

Craig, you didn't even
get any of the water.

The door was fucked up.

Damn it, this is
so frustrating!

It's so close, but so far.

The water, it's, like,
right underneath us.

Like, right there.

What do you mean
"right underneath us"?

Like, literally,
like, right there.

If you went right
through the floor.

Yo.

Danny and Jonah's shift ends in ten
minutes, so our break is almost over.

Okay.

Let me ask you something.

You really think this is

the Apocalypse?

You saw something out
there, didn't you?

All right, let's just say for
sake of argument, what if I did?

What if this is the real
shit, right now, happening?

What if it is, man? We're
not prepared for this.

What do we do? What's next?
It says in the Bible,

"The worthy will
ascend to Heaven."

Even if it is the Apocalypse,
it's not the end of us.

There's still hope.

We just have to somehow try
to prove our worthiness.

Craig: Okay, so,
you mean, like,

like the Ten Commandments,
like, do shit unto people

that'll do the
same shit to you.

That's a great place to start.

You know, to just
overall love.

Just be nicer and follow
those commandments.

Listen. We're gonna
get through this.

We're gonna get
through this, man.

You know why? 'Cause we're
gonna do it together.

You promise?

We're gonna do this.

(WHISPERS) I hear everything.

James: Who did this?

Who did this?

Did what? What are
you talking about?

Jizzed all over the pages
of this nice magazine

I was nice enough
to tell you about.

Was it you, Seth?

No.

No? It was me, Franco.

I fucking madejizz
in your magazine.

Why? When I fucking Jack off

long enough, I end
upjizzing, dude.

I'm assuming the same
shit works for you?

Real fucking smart answer! Why
don't you fucking aim, huh?

I have a particularly explosive ejaculate.
It just goes everywhere.

It's like a fucking
wild fireman's hose.

You just got to grab
on and pray to God

it doesn't get in your
eyes or your mouth.

The fuck kind of
jerking off is that?

What, you never
had any brothers?

You didn't learn to jizz in a fucking
sock or on a fucking tissue?

No, I don't have any brothers.

I was raised in a
house of women!

I highly doubt they
fucking taught you

to fucking close your eyes and
fucking cum wherever you want!

I mean, you're getting
all worked up

over a fucking porno mag!

Who has goddamn
porno mags anymore?

Welcome to the 21 st
century, Buck Rogers!

You designed a house with
fucking iPads in the walls,

yet you're jerking your dick
like a goddamn pilgrim!

That's right, man. I
like to fucking read!

You think that's the only
thing ljerked off in here?

I've been dropping loads
around this fucking house

like a goddamn dump truck.

You don't cum on my stuff!

I'll cum wherever the
fuck I want, James.

I'll fucking cum
in your kitchen.

I'll cum on your fucking art.

I'll cum anywhere I want!

I will fucking cum
right on you!

I will cum like a fucking
madman all over you, McBride!

Ooh. I fucking wish you'd
cum on me right now.

I fucking dare you
to cum on me!

(GRUNTING) God!

I'm gonna Jack my dick
so fucking hard in here!

This, no more, man. All
over your fucking face.

This fucking all more. All
over the fucking place!

I'll fucking cum
anywhere I want!

I'll fucking cum
on these walls!

I'll cum on the
fucking cabinets!

On the fucking furniture!
I'll cum everywhere!

If I see your dick
one more time,

I'm gonna fucking
shoot it off!

You don't have enough
bullets, bitch.

No fucking jerking off
in my house, McBride!

Come on, man. Fuck this.

I'm just... I'm too
thirsty to do this.

And the fucking
bitter irony is

I'm not gonna have my thirst
quenched until I finish this.

God damn it, I hate it.
Danny, no.

Don't walk away. Danny,
don't walk away from me!

It's too late, Seth. I've
already walked away too much.

No, you haven't. You
could still come back

and just fucking turn around
and come back and help me.

Danny?

Daniel?

Need a hand?

Yeah, dude.

Your shift just ended, man.

You don't have to help
me if you don't want to.

It's fine, I get it.

The fuck else am I doing?

I appreciate it, man.
Thank you.

Done and done. That's cool.

I don't know why I'm thinking
of this, but remember that time

that I got you a fucking
Taco Bell gift certificate

for, like, 20 bucks,
and I bet you

that you couldn't eat all
of that in one sitting.

I do remember that. I
remember thinking,

"How much food
could 20 dollars"

"possibly buy you
at Taco Bell?"

And the answer is infinite.

And we went to see
fucking Gladiator.

Yeah.

And you sharted midway
through the movie.

I did. Due to the
tigers' appearance.

I got scared of the tigers.
Yeah.

Literally, when the second
tiger came out, I went...

(MIMICS FART NOISE).
And then I shat.

I shat in the theater.

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(BOTH GROANING)

Jesus. Oh, fuck.

You guys Okay?

I broke my ass in half. Here.

Shit, they got through!

You guys fucking did it.
Oh, my God.

Fuck. Did that hurt?

Seth: Oh, yes,
it fucking hurt.

Iloosened this up for
you, I'll have you know.

Okay, just shut up. It's
fucking dark down here.

Hold on, hold on.

Nice.

Okay, good. Thank you.
What is that?

That's Terrence Peterson. My
monkey flashlight keychain.

Monkey flashlight keychain?
Mmm-hmm.

What's his name?
Terrence Peterson.

You see it, Seth? No. Where...

Are you sure it's
even down here?

Terry Pete.

Uh, not sure.

Jay: Is there, is there
any weird shit down here?

Nah, it's where I keep all
my stuff from my old movies.

Costumes, props.

(BOTH SCREAM)

What? Is someone down there?

It's your fucking stupid
cutout from Spider-Man 3.

Jesus Christ.

No shit!

Jay: There it is! Seth: Yes!
Yeah!

What, did you find it?
Seth: Yeah!

(CHEERING)

♪ LA-da-da-da-dah

♪ It's the motherfucking
D-O-double-G

♪ Snoop D099!

♪ LA-da-da-da-dahh

♪ You know I'm mobbin'
with the D.R.E. a'

Water.

(WHOOPS)

Mmm!

That is so fucking good.

The two heroes over here,
breaking through the floor.

We did break
through the floor.

Any of you guys would
have done the same thing.

Seth: Oh, man.
That fucking hurt.

Jay: Yeah, I'm surprised
you didn't shart again.

Seth: I think I did.

Hey, what year is this? 19...

Seth: That's a good...
That's a good year.

Hey, hey. Yo, yo, yo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?

What am I doing?

(CLAMORING)

Fuck, man.

I'm just pouring myself
another glass of water

to wash down that dry-ass
Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

That's very nice,
but you can't just

pour yourself another
glass of water, man!

Will you cut it out?

Yeah. We agreed to
one glass at dinner,

we voted on it, man.

Well, man, I'm just
getting sick and tired

of all these fucking
rules, man.

You don't see me putting
rules on you guys.

You cannot have another
glass of water.

Jay weighs 150
pounds less than me.

Why the fuck is it fair

that him and I should drink
the same amount of water?

We should be
dividing our rations

based on our
proportionate size.

I don't want to come off as
a diva here or anything.

It's just that I
think everyone

should split
everything equally.

"I just think that everybody
should have the fucking same.

"I have a goddamn earring."
Shut the fuck up, Jonah!

James: You know what, Danny?
If you weren'tjizzing

all the time, maybe
you'd be more hydrated.

You're making me into a
joke right now, Franco,

and you are not gonna like
the fucking punch line.

No more jerking off! No more water!
Just sit the fuck down!

Okay, I'm done.

We're not gonna have
any more water.

Good. All right.

Hey!

(CLAMORING)

Seth: Someone help me!
Fucking grab it!

(SCREAMING)

James: What are you doing?

You guys made this happen!

You guys forced my fucking
hand by ganging up on me.

God damn it, I'm gonna fucking
kill this motherfucker!

(PANTING)

That's what I thought. Nerd.

(SNORING) (WHISPERING)
All right, guys,

let's get rid of him.

Seth: What? What do you mean?

Like, kick him out
of the house?

His fucking reckless behavior
is dragging us all down.

I mean, he wasted
our water twice.

Two times. Two times.

Dan is under a lot of pressure.
Okay?

And he's not handling it as
good as the rest of us are.

Look at him. He's wearing
my fucking tuxedo.

He's been eating nonstop.

The fucker's gained
weight since he got here.

The fucker's got to go.

Go.

The fucker's got to go.

This is how you all feel?

Seth: We talked about it.

You guys are gonna vote
me off the island?

I mean, I made you
guys breakfast.

Shit, man, you wasted half of
our food when you did that.

Just thought I was doing
something nice for you guys.

Just to apologize for my
behavior at the party.

Party I wasn't
even invited to.

(SIGHS) Danny: I'm
not an idiot.

I know why you guys don't fucking
call me or hang out with me anymore.

It's because I party
so fucking hard.

Always have. Ever
since I was a baby.

I wouldn't just suck
on my mama's titties.

I would fucking bang
'em and motorboat 'em.

Everything I've been doing has
just been a cry for help.

When I came on your
magazine, James,

it was a cum for help.

I've just been crying and c:
Omin' and crying and c: Omin',

tears from the tip
of my penis, dudes.

I'm sorry, all right? You
can cum wherever you want.

I don't even care about
cumming anymore.

Right now, I'm just
kind of into going.

Danny. Danny.

Hey. Come on, man.

I fucked up.

I'm sorry, man. Come on, look,

I was wrong. Seth: I
feel like shit, man.

I didn't want it to
happen like this.

Let's just discuss
it some more, okay?

Yeah. Let's just talk, dude.

We're giving you an option.
It's a choice, man.

There's nothing to
figure out, all right?

You guys have said enough, and
there's no going back anymore.

I don't know if there maybe is, like,
something you guys could give me

so I could at least have some sort
of protection while I'm out there.

Danny, you don't
have to do this.

Seth: Yeah, man.
James: All right,

if you're really leaving

then you should take this.

Really?

You don't know
what's out there.

Thank you, James.

It means a lot to you, and I
appreciate that you'd give this to me,

you stupid, stupid
motherfucker!

(ALL YELLING)

Fucking psychopath.
It's a prop gun!

What, do you think I'd put
real bullets in here?

You were gonna send me out
there with a fucking gun

filled with blanks?
Oh, fuck you!

Don't turn this around on us.

You just tried to shoot
us, you fucking dickhead!

Fucking murdering
motherfucker!

Whatever. Fucking
civilization is broken down.

There's no more reason
for this false bullshit.

You guys act like you're so
fucking high and mighty,

like you've never made a
goddamn mistake before.

Franco, you're just a
pretentious fucking nerd.

Fuck you.

And, Jonah,

you fucking cunt.

Craig, you didn't have
my back, back there.

You fuckin' disappoint me. Bro.

And, Seth, (SCOFFS) you
duplicitous taint.

What? Then of course,
there's Jay,

the self-righteous, cock-sucking,
two-faced backstabber.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

I overheard your little
conversation with Craig, all right?

The only reason why you
care about any of us is

because you think that's
what God wants you to do.

You don't give a
shit about us.

No, no, no, no, that's fucking
twisting that shit...

You're fucking lying.

Am I twisting this?

I believe you were
in Los Angeles

two months ago, at
the Four Seasons.

I saw you there, and you specifically
asked me not to tell Seth,

so that you could
maintain the illusion

that you always stay with Seth

when you're in Los Angeles.

Ooh!

Jay.

Fuck, man. Jay: It's not...

Textbook twattage.

And just for the
record, you guys,

I'm choosing to leave,
you're not kicking me out.

You guys had already said
that I could come back in

and I'm the one who said
that I'm not coming back in.

Don't be cocky.

(FIRE CRACKLING)

Get the fuck out of here.

Is that true?

(SIGHS)

Yes.

J8Y...

I know this is
probably my fault

because I put you
on a pedestal,

but you should not be
dishonest with your friends.

But you really let me down.

Hey! Whoa! Jay, damn, man.

Fucken James: What the hell?

It's all fucked, isn't it?

Jonah, you okay? Yeah.

Bleeding?

(EXHALES)

Yeah.

His insides hurt worse
than my outsides.

(SIGHS)

Dear God,

I'd like to pray to
You for a second.

It's me, Jonah Hill.

From Moneyball.

I hate Jay so fucking much.

I think he might be the worst
person You ever created.

I don't want to
judge You, but...

What's up? What were
You thinking that day?

I love Seth, I love being his
friend, he's an awesome guy,

but it's like Jay is
the last connection

to his shitty, weird
Canadian life.

Just do me one favor, God.

Just kill Jay.

That'd be so tight.

(EERIE WHOOSHING)

(SIGHS)

(SNORING)

(CREATURE GROWLING)

(CONTINUES GROWLING SOFTLY)

(SCRAPING)

(CHUCKLING) Stop, man.

Seriously, Craig, stop.

Your nails are sharp.

(CREATURE GRUNTING)

(SNARLS)

This is no dream!

This is really happening!

No!

Something, um, not that
chill happened last night.

Yo, so, I just drank my own
pee for the first time.

(LAUGHS) And it ain't bad.
I never thought to do it.

I always thought, you know,
pee stink, whatever, but...

Shh.

(UNZIPS ZIPPER)

(EXHALES QUIETLY)

Seth: I think we all
remember how this works.

Whoever gets the burnt match
has to go to one of Franco's

neighbors' houses, get us
some food and some water.

No-ho-ho. No, I'm
not going first.

I'll go first.
Seth: Thank you.

Very mature of you. Thank you.

(GRUNTS)

Yes!

Sorry.

Good job.

You okay, Jonah?

What's that?

You Okay?

Yeah. Just bad sleep.
Crazy dream.

Here, Jonah.

Jonah.

Okay. Shit.

Craigers, you feeling lucky?

Will history repeat itself?

Thank you.

James: You got this, dawg.

(INHALES)

James: Seth! No! Not you!

(ANGRY GRUNT)

(EXHALES)

I'm not going.

What? I'm not going.

I'm bowing out. I'm
declining to go.

What?

Let me break it down for you.

I'm not fucking going.

You are definitely going.
Tell him he's fucking going.

Tell you what, why don't you
fucking go, Mr. Self-Righteous?

You're constantly saying what
assholes we are, how good you are.

You go get us some
fuckin' water.

I will go.

Because I have

something called honor.
Craig: Fuck, fuck, fuck.

That's good. Yeah,
you're very honorable.

I'll go with you, Jay.

Really?

Is it because of
our pact upstairs?

Nah, 'cause you got
them skinny-ass arms.

You couldn't carry enough
to feed a hamster.

(QUIETLY) It's working.

Jay: Let's get that money.

Let's do it.

Yo. Out and to the left.
Shh-shh.

(WHISPERS) Bye.

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.

(WHISPERS) What?

That's so sad.

Innocencelost.

What is that?

Fire.

There's, like,
fire everywhere.

Damn it!

Hey, hev!

Craig: Fuck, yeah. Let's
go, let's go, let's go.

(DOOR CREAKING)

(LOUDLY) Hello? (WHISPERS)
Shut the fuck up!

(WHISPERING) What? You
yelling that shit for?

We got to find out...
Don't yell no more, man.

Crack you in the head
with this frying pan.

Okay. So we should probably
split up, cover more ground.

What you think this
is, Scooby-Doo?

We're gonna go in there, we're
gonna find the kitchen,

and get as much shit
as we can, together!

Then we're getting the
fuck out of here.

All right, all right.
All right?

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(SIGHS)

Hey.

Hey.

What are you doing?

That should be me out there.

I totally fucked those guys.

Mmm. (SHRIEKING IN DISTANCE)

Fuck was that?

Seth: Oh, fuck! Is he okay?

Dude! Jonah!

Seth: What the fuck?
What do we do?

Do you know first aid or anything?
James: No.

Jonah! I suck at first aid.

Are you okay? Shit! Jonah?

Oh, no. Low blood sugar. LBS.

LBS! He's having an LBS episode!

I'll get the Milky Way!
You get the Milky Way!

Ugh!

Jay.

(GASPS)

Seth: Jonah, stay with me!
Stay with me.

I got it, I got it, I got
it, got it, open his mouth.

It's your friend, Seth.
Open his mouth.

Open his mouth. Open his mouth.
I'll get this in there.

Okay, okay. Shove
it right in there.

Seth: Jonah. Milky Way, Jonah.

You love the Milky Way.
Yummy, yum.

Seth: It's not fucking
working, man!

What the fuck!

How do we get it in there?

Chew it up, chew it up and spit
in his mouth like a baby bird.

Mmm! (GULPS)

You just swallowed it, man.

It's so good.

Give me a bite.

Mmm!

The second it hits your
mouth is, like, amazing.

Okay. (MUFFLED) Open it.

(SPEAKING IN DEMONIC VOICE)

What the fuck was that?

That's Hebrew.
That's not Hebrew.

It's fuckin' Latin or
something like that.

I went to Hebrew school for six years.
That's not Hebrew.

(DEMONIC VOICE) You will
drown in a river of blood.

The End of Days is here.

You will quiver in the
shadow of Kingdom Come.

Judgment Day is upon you.

The Apocalypse is nigh!

Hey, I think that's
all it could fit.

Man, let's take this back to
Franco's, get the fuck out of here.

Uh, uh...

What are we going back for?

What are you talking about?

In theory, we could
just fuckin' stay here.

And here, you don't
have to sleep

in a friggin' tent
under a dick.

I like my dick tent.

I'm just saying,

we could build a life here together, Craig.
I'd be really good to you.

All I know is I'm
scared as hell,

and I just want to get
back to our friends.

Yeah, but they're
not my friends.

Seth is your friend.

We've been growing
apart for years.

That's why I didn't stay with
him last time I was here.

And I stayed with him this
time to try and salvage it,

but clearly that
didn't work out.

Jay, like it or not,

those assholes are all we got.

(CREAKING)

Did you hear that?

Yeah, that was a creak.

(ROARS) (BOTH SCREAMING)

James: What is that?

What is that? Is that bile? Ew!

I don't know. It's cold.

Sniff it.

No. You sniff it.

(SNIFFS) EW!

What? It smells like puke.

Ew! Ew!

Don't get it on me! Ew!

(SCREAMING)

It's in my eyes! Dude!

It's in my mouth! He's gone!

Where is he? He's
fucking gone!

Jay: Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

(DEMON GROWLING) (SCREAMING)

Please, God! Jesus, Jesus!

(GROWLING)

(SNARLING)

Fuck.

Jonah! Jonah!

Jonah, stop this!

Please! Jonah, where
the fuck are you?

Why did you vomit on us!

(DEMONIC GROWL) (JAMES YELLS)

Bad Jonah! Stop!

Stop eating him! (HISSES)

Watch out! He's super strong!

Aah!

Shit!

What is happen...
(JONAH ROARS)

Seth: Oh, no!

(DEMONIC VOICE) I'm gonna
tittie-fuck you, Seth.

Don't tittie-fuck me!

What are they, big
B's or small C's?

I'm gonna push your
titties together.

Push 'em together!

James: I'll get you
something to help!

LWlpass you something!

Okay, pass it to me.

OW! Fuck! Shit!

(JONAH GROWLING)

Aah! Oh!

Seth! (SETH GROANING)

We're getting crazy!

(DEMON GROWLING)

Come on! Come on!

(GROWLING)

Jesus, open, God
damn you, open!

(ROARING)

No, no, no, no.

(CRAIG SCREAMING)

Jesus“.

Oh, fuck.

We gotta hide. We gotta hide.
I know!

He's coming! He's coming!
I know he's coming!

I don't know what the fuck to do!
(JONAH GROWLING)

I don't know...

Where are you going?

Shit.

(HANGERS CLACKING) (SETH
MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)

(PANTING)

(QUIETLY) Please go away.
He's sniffing.

Seth: I'm so scared, James.

James: Be quiet.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

You're breathing really loud.
Am I?

Don't breathe through your mouth.
Okay.

(RAPID PANTING)

Now you're doing loud
nose breathing. Am I?

I don't know where
else to breathe from.

Is that... Seth.

(GROWLING)

(BREATHING LOUDLY)

James: Oh, shit. Don't move.

Oh, shit, he's coming right this way.
Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

(GROWLING)

(YELLING)

Seth: Get out of my way!
Move! Move!

(BOTH GRUNTING) Seth: Fuck!

You Okay?

Come on!

Let's go. Let's go.
Okay. Okay. Okay.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

What the fuck! What are you doing?
(SCREAMING)

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

There's a fuckin'
demon chasing us!

A demon? Demon?

What the fuck happened to you guys?
That!

It's Jonah! He's possessed!

He's crazy!

Oh, fuck! You brained him.

Is that... I was supposed
to do that, right?

Seth: Yeah.

(ROARING) (ALL SCREAMING)

Motherfucker.

Jay: Fasten! Seth: HuHw.

Fasten, God damn you, bastard!

Seth: He's gonna be fuckin'

bad news when he wakes up!

He's fuckin' strong.

My side's good. Oh, shit!

All right, I'll
fuckin' hit him.

Fuck! Come on, come on! Okay!

This shit's cray cray, guys.

I mean, it's, like, the
real, like Apocalypse.

It's, like, the Book
of Revelations,

like that means there's a God.

Right?

I haven't led my life as though
there's a God this whole time.

Who fuckin' saw that coming?
That there's actually a God?

I'd say 95% of the planet.

Jesus fucking Christ, man.

You might want to stay
away from saying that.

"Jesus fucking Christ"? Why?

Why can't I say that? One
of the Ten Commandments.

"Thou shall not take the name
of the Lord thy God in vain."

Jesus isn't the
name of the Lord.

God is name of the Lord.

Jesus, God, it's all the same.

It's the Trinity. Father,
Son, Holy Ghost.

It's like Neapolitan
ice cream.

I don't even know what the
fucking Commandments are.

Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit,
because we're all good people.

I can look at each one of you
in the eye, I know you're good.

I'm good. We're four actors.

We bring joy to
people's lives.

Yeah, but we don't
do it for free.

We get paid handsomely, much higher
than the average profession.

It's not like it was just
handed to any of us.

We've worked really
hard to be here.

Yeah, pretend like it's
hot when it's cold.

You sitting on the
beach, it's freezing,

you in your drawers, talking about
something, everybody's surfing.

(WHISPERS) I think God
might have just fucked up,

made a mistake, and left
us behind by accident.

I mean, He's got a lot
of shit on His plate.

It's not an oversight,
it's not a mistake, okay?

We got to face facts. We're here, and
there's a reason we're all here.

Why are you so sure?

I've done things, man. I...

I gouged a man's eyeballs out.

What the... Fuck off.

Craig. Well, I was a kid, man.

It was a fuckin' bar fight.

It was a bad foosball game.

He said I didn't call spinneys,
and I fuckin' called spinneys.

He got all in my face, and I smashed
a bottle across his face...

(EXHALES DEEPLY) ...and the
first eyeball was an accident,

but then I was, like, fuck it,
and I went for the second one.

It was fucked up.
But you know what?

That shit happens. I'm saying, that's...
I think that's why I'm here.

I got to admit something.

I, uh...

I fucked Lindsay Lohan.

She was fucked up.
She was high.

It was at the Chateau Marmont,

and she kept banging
on my door.

(GRUNTS)

She kept calling me
Jake Gyllenhaal.

That's fucked up.

Yeah, I said, "Call me
the Prince of Persia."

See, that's what
I'm saying, man.

We've all done bad
shit, you know?

We've done more bad shit than
good in our lives, and (SIGHS)

it's time to pay the Piper.

James: Whoa, shit!

Something's wrong.

(WHISPERS) God did this.

He gave us light, and then He took it away.
(JONAH GROWLING)

You hear that?

It's the soundtrack
of us going insane.

Damn, I wish there was something
we could do to help him.

I know what we can do.

Jay: The fuckin' stench.

(GROWLING)

Jonah Hill?

Jonah?

(LAUGHING)

Jonah Hill.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE)
Jonah Hill is no more.

Demon?

Yes?

(LAUGHING) Fuck.
That's not good.

That's not good.

Jay, you fool.

I say unto thee,

the power of Christ
compels you!

Oh, does it? Does
it compel me?

The power of Christ
compels you!

Does it, Jay?

The power of Christ
compels you!

Is the power of Christ compelling me?
Is that what's happening?

The power of Christ compels you!
(LAUGHING)

Guess what? It's not
that compelling.

Seth: Jay, you
serious right now?

That's your fuckin' plan? You're gonna
repeat lines from The Exorcist?

I would assume they did
their fuckin' research.

It's a movie! It's a manual.

It's a fuckin' training manual.
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

I say unto thee,

the power of Christ
compels you!

The power of Christ
compels you!

The power of Christ
compels you!

Geez, it hurts a little bit.

It's, like, this little sting.

The power of Christ
compels you!

Seriously, fuck off.

The power of Christ
compels you!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(BED CREAKING)

Jay?

The power of Christ
compels you!

Craig: Holy shit!

You're pissing him off, man.
Just stop it!

Jay! The power of
Christ compels you!

(ALL CLAMORING)

The power of... Get
the fuck down!

Don't fucking push me, asshole!
Geez, man!

Fuck you! Easy!

You're a fucking
asshole, you liar!

Still?

Yes. Still? Yes.

Guys, guys, we got a
possessed guy here!

Do we have to argue
about this right now?

Let 'em fight.

We got an exorcism to finish.
Hello?

Do you want to know why
I didn't stay with you?

Yeah. You fuckin' changed.

You're a fuckin' sell-out.

You did fuckin' sell out.
Everyone says.

At least I did change! You act like
you're fucking 18 years old still, Jay!

Grow up, Jay. That's why
he's yelling at you.

You've been holding me
back this whole time!

That means fuck you.

James: Come on, guys! Come on!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Jay: Fuck you, you
piece of shit!

James: Everybody, out!

Craig, stop 'em!

Get apart! Seth:
Oh, now it's on.

Yo! What the fuck is
all this, Franco?

Uh, looks like food.
How'd that get there?

Seth: What? You
have more food?

You knew he had extra food?

Yeah, he gave me one cracker.

I would have sucked a
dick for half a cracker.

All right, well, maybe I didn't want
you to suck my dick, all right?

Look“. Craig: I didn't
want to suck it!

That's the point of what I said!
It was my fucking food!

Seth: Guys, guys, guys, fire!

Jay: Boys, boys, boys...

Shit! Jonah's on fire!

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Put it out!

Use your mouth! Put it out!

(ALL SCREAM)

Go, go, go, go, 90!

(SCREAMING)

Where is he? Where is he?
Where is he?

Go, go, go!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Go, go, go, go, 90!

Go, get outside!

Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit!

Go, go on!

Come on, hurry
up, he's coming!

He's coming!

(GROWLING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

James: Watch out, watch out!

Oh, my fortress!

Uh, boys, I just want
to point out, um,

we're out in the open now.

Oh, fuck. Shit, shit, shit.

Oh, shit. Hey, hey, hey.

My Prius. Yeah!

Yeah! Yes!

(ALARM CHIRPS) (ALL EXCLAIM)

James: What is that?

No fucking way.

(ROARS) James: We're screwed!

We're totally screwed, guys.

I got this.

What? I'll distract the thing.

I'll run over there
screaming and shit,

and that should give you enough
time to get to the garage.

Well, yeah, but that
thing can kill you.

Maybe I deserve it. I've
been shitty my whole life.

Being selfish, only
doing shit for me.

Maybe it's only right
that the last thing I do

on this planet isn't for me.

It's for you guys.

Craig, you don't
have to do that.

Thank you very much, Craig.

I appreciate that.
You spineless...

I love you guys.

You're my best friends.

You're a real mensch, Craig.

See you on the other side.

(SNARLS)

Hey, hey, asshole!
Hey, come on!

Pickle dick, demonic-looking
motherfucker.

Nobody's scared of you.
You ain't a raccoon!

Yeah, bring your ass, bitch!

Nobody's scared of you! I'm
Craig fucking Robinson!

Yeah.

What's he gonna do? Craig.

I hope you like big
dick, motherfucker,

'cause I'm about
to fuck you raw!

For the last goddamn time!

Take your panties off!

(GROWLS)

Fuck, yeah!

(LAUGHS)

It worked.

What's happening?

Craig! Craig!

(LAUGHING)

Holy shit, do you guys
realize what this means?

That Craig was an angel
this whole time?

No, no, it means we can
still be saved. No, no.

I don't fucking get it, why
does Craig get saved? I mean...

Craig sacrificed
himself for us,

which means that
there's still hope.

That means we can be redeemed.
Seth: Yeah.

It means that if we're
actually nice to each other,

we can get sucked up into Heaven, too.
That's the deal.

All right, I got it,
let's just head out

to my place in Malibu. Yeah.

Just survive long enough until
we do enough good things

and they accumulate or
do enough sacrifices,

and we'll all go to
Heaven together.

That's a great idea, James.

Seriously, really,
really goodidea.

Really, you're
such a smart guy.

(CHUCKLES) Thanks, Seth,
you're such a nice guy.

You got a great smile.

Thanks, man. And
an awesome laugh.

I've heard it's annoying. How
about that Jay back there, man?

Seth: Dude, Jay, you kidding me?
Come on. Oh, come on.

James: One of a kind.
Get out of here.

You got a cool body.

You can walk around with
your shirt off anytime.

It's not working,
this isn't working.

What, you thought we would
be Raptured already?

I thought it would
happen already.

Jay: No, we've just
been talking nice.

Talking nice doesn't
get you into Heaven.

Doesn't hurt to smile...
(TIRES SCREECHING)

What the fuck?

Seth: (GROANS) You guys okay?

Oh, shit. Christ.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Seth: Franco! WOMAN: Come on!

Yo, cut his fucking head off!

What's going on?

(CHAINSAW REVVING)

No!

"MA - No! N" Sm'

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Danny?

What the fuck?

You guys are still alive?

Yeah.

Holy shit, I didn't
expect that.

Fuck out here.

Get...

Danny: Shit, I can't believe
you guys are here. Oh, Jesus.

That's fucking crazy, and your
timing couldn't be more perfect.

It's been a long time since
any of us have eaten,

and you three gentlemen
look delicious.

What does that have
to do with us?

The fuck are you talking about?
(CHUCKLES)

I'm a cannibal, hombre.

We're gonna fucking
eat your ass.

Fuck you, you can't eat us.
Fuck that, man.

I do whatever the fuck
I want, when I want.

I butt-fucked this dude.

See that?

I fucking slide
right in that shit.

I do whatever I want.
This is my gimp.

Channing, introduce yourself.

Hey, what's up, guys?

Y'all cool?

That's Chanting Tatum.

That's Channing Tatum, dude.
What the fuck?

Channing fucking Tatum. I found
him wandering on the freeway.

I collected him, made him my bitch.
Get off my dick.

I call him Channing Tate-yum.

Hard-core, man.

I got him trained good.

Watch, he does tricks.
Wait, shake hands.

(WHISPERS) All right, Seth.

Danny: Fucking roll over.

I'm gonna create a diversion.
Yeah.

You and Jay make a run for it.
BOTH: What?

Danny's gonna eat you.

Listen, full-on sacrifice
for you, dawg,

like the ending to Pineapple 2.
Danny: Yeah, lick that.

That's Channing
fucking Tatum, dawg.

I love him.

That's fucking G.l. Joe, dude.
Fucking loves me. (CHUCKLES)

Danny! We're friends!
You can't eat us!

I'd love to catch up, but we're
fucking starving, so let's eat!

Fuck you! (SCREAMS)

(CHAINSAW REVVING)

Run!

Eat this!

OW! Shit, fuck! Get him!

(GRUNTS)

Who wants it, you
piece of shit?

Man, we should go back.

We should go back and help him.
We should go back.

(GRUNTS)

MAN: Fucking Rapture.

Holy shit! It worked!

What the fuck?

Go to hell, McBride!

FUCK you!

(LAUGHS)

Suck my dick!

Ah...

Oh!

Oh, shit. James: What happened?

What did I do? Take me back!

What did I do?

Danny: I'll tell you
what happened, Franco.

You don't get to get
sucked up into Heaven

'cause you were being petty.
Tom Petty.

You may not have invited
me to your party,

but you're the guest
of honor at mine.

James: What?

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH GROAN)

How fucking crazy is this?

(SHRIEKS)

(JAMES SCREAMING)

Danny: Seth, Jay!

Jay: Oh, shit, they're
running after us.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! Run.

Danny: Bring them to me!

Fuck. Danny: Get 'em!

CANNIBAL 1: Got to get Rogen.

Over here.

What? Over here, over here.
Here. What?

Shit, shit.

They're around here somewhere.

CANNIBAL 2: They kept
running, you fucking idiots.

Shit, are they still there?

I think they're gone.
Are they gone?

Oh, my God. Why did
Franco flip off Danny?

Why did he have
to do that, man?

He was in the clear.

That is textbook.

Vanity or...

Is it vanity? Vanity or envy.

Is it envy or wrath?

It's any of them, man.
You can't do that.

It's being a sore
winner, is what it is,

more than anything. That's
exactly what it is.

You can't be a sore winner. No.

Well, this is another fine
mess we found ourselves in.

Fuck.

Listen, Jay...

(THUDDING) Oh, shit.

Get out of here, let's
get out of here.

(CREATURE GROWLING)

Oh, you've got to be
fucking shitting me!

Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Oh, my God. Oh, no.

That thing's big.

Holy shit.

Oh, it's so big.

Oh, man. Oh, Jesus.

(GROWLING)

We're gonna die, man. Okay.

Okay, we're gonna die. Uh...

Jesus! Oh, no!

(GROWLING)

Shit. Listen to me, man.

I'm a fucking idiot.
I put myself up.

I'm self-righteous.

I think I'm better than you.
No, no.

I was resistant to change.

No. I should have
grown with you.

I should have
changed with you.

We should have
changed together.

I didn't like what I became
so I hated what you became.

It's fine, man. It's fine.

I love you, Seth, fucking love you, buddy.
I love you, man.

I always loved you. Let's
die together, man.

Let's die together.
I love you, Jay.

(SCREECHING)

(GROWLING)

Holy shit, Jay, all right!

Yeah, we did it!

I'm not getting sucked
up into Heaven!

What do you mean? Why not?

I don't know why not!

Take my hand!

Okay, take me with you, Jay!

I'll take you with me.

Ah! Yay!

Yeah!

Ah!

Wooh!

Yeah! It's working!

Yeah!

(ROARS)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, no! He sees us!

Seth: He can't touch us!

We're in a force field!

(ROARS)

Oh, shit! Shit!

It's not gonna
take me with you!

We're going down!

Keep holding on and you'll
get pulled up, too!

It's not! No, I won't, man!

I don't deserve to.

Fuck.

(1 WILL ALWAYS
LOVE YOU PLAYING)

I'm gonna let go, Jay.

You'll die!

I know, but you won't.

No!

I don't deserve to go
to Heaven, but you do.

You do, okay?

We're both gonna die
if I don't let go.

I'm not gonna hold
you back anymore.

No!

And I...

♪ Will always love you

Yay!

♪ I will always

(LAUGHING)

I Love you

♪ I will always love you

Wooh! Yeah!

Come, hold my hand, buddy!

Hold my hand!

Yeah! You did it!

You did it! Yeah!

You did it!

Yeah! (LAUGHING)

We're flying!

♪ Love you A'

(BOTH WHOOPING)

(SPIRIT IN THE SKY PLAYING)

♪ When I die and
they lay me to rest

♪ Gonna go to the
place that's the best

♪ When I lay me down to die

Look! What?

(LAUGHS) Wow.

(BOTH GASP)

Welcome to Heaven,
motherfuckers.

BOTH: Craig!

(LAUGHS)

Yay! Yeah!

Craig. Oh, my...

What?

This is awesome.

Are you an angel? Yes, sir.

That's so cool, man.
That is so cool.

Congratulations, dude.

Ah, fellas.

Yeah. Yes.

Oh! Dude, you got one.

What? That's so cool.

Do I have one? Do I have one?

I can't see it. Do I have...

Wait. Let's touch 'em.

Dude, this is so... Wow.

What do we do now? Yeah.

Come this way.

Seth: Ooh...

♪ So you know
that when you die

♪ He's gonna recommend you

♪ To the spirit in the sky

"CHORUS". 4“ Spirit
in the sky a“.

Right? Do you love it?
Do you love it?

Whoa, they got weed in Heaven?

What? You tell me.

Oh! What?

Holy shit! That's awesome!

Oh.

Wow.

That's insane, man.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's Heaven. Anything you
could think of is yours.

Whoa!

Holy shit, this is awesome.

Segway!

I've always wanted to
ride one of these things.

Go ahead, Jay, make a wish.

Anything you could think of.

Anything?

I Everybody, yeah

(ALL GASP)

I Rock your body, yeah.

What?

No fucking way.

♪ Everybody

♪ Rock your body right

(ALL CHEERING)

♪ Backstreet's back

ALL: A' All right

♪ Hey, yeah

♪ Oh, my God, we're back again

♪ Brothers, sisters,
everybody sing

♪ Gonna bring the
flavor show you how

♪ Gotta question for you
better answer now, yeah

♪ Am I original?

♪ Yeah

♪ Am I the only one?

♪ Yeah

♪ Am I sexual?

♪ Yeah

♪ Am I everything you need?

♪ You better rock
your body now

♪ Everybody

♪ Yeah

♪ Rock your body

♪ Yeah

♪ Everybody

♪ Rock your body right

♪ Backstreet's back, all right

♪ All right

♪ Backstreet's
back, all right 4“

(ALL CHEERING)