Original subtitles

I know many of you are feeling pretty cheesed off

about my speech last Saturday delaying Strictly,

but let me reassure you that this lockdown will be different.

We learnt vital lessons last time.

Ergo facto, from midnight tonight,

posting online photos of your sourdough starter is banned.

Zoom pub quizzes and comparisons with the Blitz

will result in immediate imprisonment.

And finally, Joe Wicks is now punishable by death.

So remember our three-word slogan,

not my fault.

New James Bond auditions, Harry Styles, take one.

A martini, shaken not stirred.

And non-alcoholic.

I'm on a detox right now.

Thank you. I have pretty hands.

Sir, the election results are coming in.

Shouldn't we be watching TV?

Antifa cut the cable.

Or maybe we didn't pay the bill.

Shouldn't you, at least, be getting some overhyped nonsense

from your Twitter feed?

Can't. I over-tweeted.

Besides, I've got it in the bag, everybody's saying it.

Look at Jared, he's not worried, he's cool as a cucumber.

Plus, if there's any problem, I got a direct line to the Supreme Court.

'I'm sorry, this number has been blocked." Huh?

That's been happening to me a lot lately.

For the first time since becoming Vice President,

I'm going to be honest.

You've made a lot of mistakes and not everyone is voting for you.

Is that possible? Have I somehow gone wrong?

John F Kennedy, did I connect with the American people like you?

Did I make them understand how big, truly big, my penis is?

And you, Jim Washlington, we're so alike.

We both have great hair.

And you, Major Cheeseburger of Burger Town,

my true political hero, how did I do?

Fantastic. You were the greatest.

I knew it! Thanks, Burgy.

Are you real, by the way?

Pretty sure you're just insane.

One way to find out.

I was wrong, I am real!

Argh!

It's gonna be a great election, the best election.

Win or lose, there's still time for me to get to Bolivia.

Michael, you said you'd take the bins out.

Good evening, Sarah.

Well, firstly, let me assure you

the bins remain very much my priority.

Well, it doesn't look like it.

If I may, they remain my priority.

But what we shouldn't forget

is that this household has two brand-new bins from Argos, a record.

But the binmen come tomorrow morning.

Well, that's your opinion. I obviously have my own timeframe.

But, Sarah, let me just... Argh!

Hello, ambulance, please. I'm badly injured.

My address? Forgive me, I'm not going to answer that.

But what I will say is that, under the Tories,

emergency wait times have dropped considerably.

New James Bond auditions, RuPaul, take one.

Hi, Bondage queens.

I am loving this look and working this look.

Double oh seven. Double oh, my God!

Cut!

Which way to Pussy Galore?

Thanks for coming, everyone.

Mum, I'm just going to say it,

we're concerned about the way the firm is being run.

Fuck off. Where's my sherry?

Damn it! We're haemorrhaging countries.

Even Barbados wants out of the monarchy.

And Scotland's talking about walking.

Don't worry about Scotland.

Leaving is their only bargaining chip now their oil's worth crap.

We all think we need younger, fresher eyes in charge.

The younger the better. Yah!

Vroom, vroom!

I think what we're saying is

we need someone younger, but also older than the younger ones.

That's not what I'm saying.

You've got fresh ideas, Charles.

Lay them on me, then, genius.

Organic crackers.

THEY GROAN Oh, not that again!

No, hear me out. This time, they'll be a lot less crumbly.

Can I jump in? My family sells party supplies, right?

Will and I are thinking synergy, royal balloons,

royal confetti, royal kiddie birthday parties.

Erm...

Fresh ideas.

Where's my sherry?

Now, listen, this is my fucking business

and I run it my fucking way.

We cut ribbons, we visit hospitals,

we give knighthoods to Asians, understand?

But, Gran, that's two glasses of sherry in one afternoon.

She's in a sherry coma.

Then I have to step up and run the firm.

I'm in charge!

Well, colonising Mars was not that great a challenge,

not for three intrepid chums like us.

We have excellent growing conditions here in the scro-dome.

Yep, there's no fertiliser like human excrement.

Dinner is served.

Hey, we're past November 3rd.

Wasn't something supposed to happen on Earth?

Right.

The mystery catastrophe that we came here to escape.

I wonder what happened.

Why don't you call that minxy little songbird of yours?

Oh, right, Grimey. I love her so much.

Probably should have called her once

since we landed on a new planet.

'Mars to Grimey.

'Come in, Grimey.

'It's me, Elon, the father of your child.'

No answer.

Something really bad must have happened on Earth.

There's news coming in on my Kindle Fire,

a revolution in communication starting at only £19.95.

Hi, everyone in space.

Great news, I won the election.

Very hugely won it.

Some people might try to steal it back, though.

So Space Force Army, get ready to shoot down lasers and missiles.

President out.

My God, Trump won.

Civilisation will be set back a thousand years.

To a time when Branson was actually cool.

Yes, we'll need that cheery good humour to get us through this.

This is why my future self warned me to get away.

Which reminds me, I'll be back in a sec.

And this time, bring the damn bicycle pump, dumb-ass!

So this is it.

It really was a one-way trip.

Then nothing left to do but sit back and enjoy the poo pot.

Actually, there's no pot in that one.

Dude, just want you to know that I'm, like,

totally Team Charles, always was.

Ah, thanks, man. I'm super ready for it.

A lot of new stuff to learn, like writing this Christmas speech.

What have you got so far?

"Hi."

Let the jerk-offs in publicity finish it.

Grab your sword, let's make some knights.

Why am I knighting you?

I'm 100 years old and I raised £50 million for charity.

Cool story.

I now pronounce you Sir Thomas of, er...

Oh, shit!

No big deal, first-time jitters.

We regroup, we go again. You the man.

I the man.

Enough fun meddling in election, time for business.

I am very impressed by you.

You cause pain and suffering, crash world economies,

destabilise governments and kill people with no mercy.

You're like me, but cuter.

Let's just say I've found the Russian people very welcoming.

Comrade, let me cut to the chase.

I want you to be Russian Prime Minister.

I am President.

Every five years, we switch jobs,

but I am always in charge.

Interesting. What's in it for me?

Oh, the best Russia has to offer,

state-of-art Russian video recorder.

It uses magnetic tape.

Great breakthrough.

Or latest Russian smartphone, stores up to two numbers.

Game included.

Mr Putin, I thought you were a serious man.

I am serious.

This is serious negotiation.

So, let's get started on vodka.

Made in spiritual home of vodka, Colchester.

HE CHUCKLES Enough!

I've already been offered a job and I'm gonna take it.

What job? I'm replacing James Corden on his chat show.

Really? Yes.

They were looking for someone kinder, warmer,

and fundamentally less appalling.

Hmm. So horrible, evil, soulless James Corden

is out of work and available?

Wow! Vladimir Putin, oh, my God!

You're a legend, mate.

How cool is this office?

Oh, my God, a Betamax.

A-mazing!

Wow! Is that your umbrella?

Wow!

And it had a poison tip.

Incredible!

Oh, well, the search goes on.

Another successful night for Foxman.

I resolved a potentially deadly dispute between two neighbours

by helping them correctly interpret a Section 106 planning obligation.

Someone appreciates your work, sir. You've received an anonymous gift.

Rubbish, trash, half-eaten leftovers.

Someone knows how to spoil the Fox.

Home-made jam,

and it's got a lovely sheen.

Wait, sir, it might be a trap.

It's not jam!

It's the one substance that can destroy Foxman...

Corbynite!

Drifting too far left.

Obsessing about Israel.

Electability dying.

Sir, what should I do?

Only one antidote to Corbynite...

Blairite!

To the Blair phone.

People forget how popular these were.

'A new dawn has broken, has it not?

'Education, education and education.

'She was the people's princess.'

My fox powers have returned stronger than ever.

In fact, let's invade somewhere.

I'll prepare the dossier.

New James Bond auditions, Oprah, take one.

Why are you here, Mr Bond?

To bring fresh garden vegetables and love.

Market day! Cut!

I say cut, dear.

Ah, the perfect crumble.

Next we attack the tawny port and plum jam market.

Yah.

I'll jam your plums!

She came out of her sherry coma.

What the fuck have you done to my business?

I've sold a damn sight more ginger chutney than you ever did.

I the man. Well, I'm back in charge.

Wait, the dogs.

While I was out, did you walk them? No.

But so what if they piss on the rug?

You idiot!

They're royal corgis. They're trained never to pee indoors.

Ah!

Legal trouble got you down?

I'm Kim Kardashian West,

kriminal defence attorney,

and I'm here for you.

Whether you accidentally on purpose leaked your own sex tape...

..or had a disagreement with your sister on national TV...

..or maybe killed someone, I'm not here to judge.

That's his job.

All I care about is bringing you justice

and making a super-awesome documentary about me doing it.

Kim gave me excellent legal advice

about signing this waiver of privacy.

And now you're in the documentary.

Kim explained I better not start any more fires

after she got me out of jail. That would be terrible...

for my brand. Huh?

Kim refused to work for me

because my facial hair looks guilty on camera.

No-one feels sorry for sideburns, that's bad TV.

I'm Kim and I'll take your case.

Because I care... about me.

Keeping up with the Kourtroom, baby!

K&K out!

Why are there all these small explosions?

Are they human larvae popping from their growth pods?

No, it's Bonfire Night, people are sending up rockets.

Ah, that is an inefficient use of rocket fuel.

They should send one big rocket to Jupiter's moon, Lysithea,

where the minerals are plentiful and sweet...

according to a podcast.

Well, it's a bit of fun for the kids, really,

and a celebration of the fact they caught Guy Fawkes.

What is a Guy Fawkes?

Oh, don't play dumb, Dom.

He put a load of gunpowder under Parliament and tried to blow it up.

Say that again.

He didn't agree with Parliament so he tried to blow it up.

No wonder he is celebrated so highly.

Well, no, it's more the fact that he got disembowelled

and ripped into pieces.

So, hypothetically, if I were to blow up Parliament,

would that happen to me?

No, no, no, I wouldn't even sack you.

Too right, you wouldn't.

I'm sorry, Mother, but you leave me no choice.

I've organised a hostile takeover

in partnership with a giant international consortium.

I'm very excited to be part of this historic merger.

Jesus, you're selling us out to China?!

It's not that big a step. Check your crown.

Ah...

There's nothing you can do.

I've the votes of the board behind me.

We don't vote.

I'm the Queen.

Perhaps you forgot, this is a constitutional monarchy.

You're a constitutional fuckwit.

All those in favour of selling the thousand-year tradition

of British monarchy to a Chinese despot, raise your hand.

No, you don't.

'Fraid you lose, Charles.

Damn it! Xi said I could be king of China.

No, I said you could run the King Of China restaurant in Cleethorpes.

The offer is still open.

Can it sell organic crackers?

The offer is now closed.

Oh! OK, vote done, I'm Queen,

everybody fuck off.

I like your authoritarian style.

I have another merger proposal.

I have pangolins, you have corgis,

how about we cross-breed them?

Hmm, a pangolorgi?

Well, at least it would be more intelligent that these shitheads.

What are you up to now, Dom?

Collecting gunpowder to blow up Parliament?

Don't be ridiculous, gunpowder is ancient technology.

I am collecting lithium batteries.

May I borrow your mobile?

Will I get it back?

If not, what are the consequences?

None.

James Bond is a spy.

What a terrible guy.

No, stupid, God!

Why did I agree to write the theme song for the new James Bond movie?

I don't get him. I'm younger than 9/11.

Don't worry, Billie, I'll 'elp ya!

I went through exactly the same fucking thing with Skyfall.

It was better with Sean Connery.

Still, glad they kept the boobs.

Dom, how's the plan to blow up Parliament coming along?

Exceedingly poorly.

I need a drink.

Ah...!

Little Red Riding Hood was off to see her granny.

But though her mummy had told her to stick to the main path,

she decided to take a shortcut.

Hello, little girl.

What's in your basket?

A Glock nine-millimetre with modular optic slide and reversible magazine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, kid.

Let's just keep it polite.

You've taught me an important lesson.

In fact, I'm going back to school and getting a job.

The National Rifle Association,

making everyone's life better.

Mum?

Mum!

She's gone!

Like fuck I am.

I had myself uploaded to the cloud.

I'm going to run this business forever.

Oh, stop crying!

Kia ora! Another practically perfect day in New Zealand.

Yes, Jacinda, except for this bit of arthritis in my knee.

We can't have that.

But thanks to recent legislation, we have a solution.

Actually, my knee's fine.

Best to be sure.

New James Bond auditions, James Corden, take one.

Oh, my God!

I'm auditioning for James Bond!

The greatest! The coolest!

The best spy in the world!

The legend. Wow!

Unbelievable!

Joe, why aren't you at headquarters?

Well, I am, right between the griddle and the fryer.

Hey, can I get you started on a Lumber-Joe Special?

It's like a Lumberjack Special except I make it.

He's been cooking all night.

Gotta catch up on these orders. That's the phone book, Joe.

Did you tell him the election results?

At his age, you've gotta break news like that gently.

I only just told him the Dodgers won the World Series.

So great for Brooklyn.

Er, yeah, I'm going to tell him.

What? Before he's finished making breakfast?

You are fucking mental.

Adele, what are you doing here?

Lady Gaga said his eggs were...

I'll get some going for you.

Joe, you won.

Fantastic. Who's getting a super-scrambled Biden hash?

Er, I guess the whole nation.

I lost! Mayor Cheeseburger lied!

How could he lie when he's so delicious?

Hey, where are you going, asshole?

Hey, man, I got a job on Fox & Friends.

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