Original subtitles

HE HUMS

Argh! That's for ruining Cats.

Hello, I'm Prince William.

Last week, I created the Earthshot Prize,

a way of really trying to sort out the environment,

which I own so much of.

If we don't act now to preserve our ancient countryside heritage,

how will our children be able

to enjoy the environment the way we did?

Like shooting grouse.

CHILDREN GIGGLE That's it, kids, fire at will!

CHILDREN CHEER

If we all work together, we can make a difference.

CHILDREN CHEER AND LAUGH

Stupid Twitter Corporation.

They've got a problem with my Tweets.

"Stick to the truth," they say.

I thought I made sticking to the truth illegal.

Big deal. What are they going to do?

Now the Twitter app fact-checks me instantaneously

and zaps me if I lie.

I never lie. BUZZING

The economy is working great for everybody. Send.

BUZZING

My re-election odds are excellent. BUZZING

Trump Tower does not have a 'roach problem. Send!

Argh!

Darling, your heart has stopped.

You're dying.

Got... to send... most important Tweet... ever.

Melania...

I love you. BUZZING

There we go, heart restarted, I'm in perfect physical shape.

I-I should Tweet that. BUZZING

Argh!

The Prime Minister will see you shortly.

GURGLING

All right, the plan is to meet the coronavirus,

tackle the problem head-on.

It's the worst thing for the Tory Party since Tony Blair.

Yes, it's killed almost as many people.

Besides, life's no fun any more.

All the zip-line parks are closed.

The answer is simple - deport it.

Karate chop it. Hi-yah!

Stab it in the back.

No, I'm going to face the virus down

like Churchill versus the Nazis.

I'm going to buy it off with a seat in the House Of Lords.

Oh, the virus will love that.

It's warm, damp and full of old people.

One note of caution - make sure the virus is pro fox-hunting,

or the party will go mad. MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

The fans are livid we've fired our mascot, Gunnersaurus.

We need a replacement fast.

What is it that people like about Gunnersaurus?

I don't know. He's a lumbering, tiny-brained monster

that winds up the crowd and will do anything for attention.

I've got the replacement right here.

Hello, snowflakes. Roar!

Right, let's talk turkey.

But I must remind you, I'm not led, I lead.

Non ducor duck.

I think you mean "non ducor duco".

Unless you wanted to say, "I'm not led, I'm a duck."

What? I had no idea you were so smart and sophisticated.

And you're female?

I reproduce through asexual parasitic DNA replication.

VIRUS SLURPS Close enough.

I'm feeling a real connection between us.

BORIS YAWNS Look, it's been a long day,

maybe we should go somewhere more... comfortable.

Ooh, maybe we should.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

So, uh... tell me all about yourself.

Well, I've got a phospholipid envelope

which encloses protein binders.

God, you're sexy.

Let's hear something to get us in the mood.

'You turn if you want to.

'The lady's not for turning.' Maybe just quiet time.

Whatever, darling.

It doesn't bother you that you're not my first?

Well, I find it an oddly weird turn-on

that you've already been inside several million men.

Ooh, that's good, baby.

Oh! Not that one.

Right, avoid spike 17.

I'm going to remember that.

So you're sure you wanna do this?

I don't see any downside.

SQUELCHING

Not my child, looks nothing like me.

MUMBLES LIKE BORIS

And you are?

Idris Elba.

I've been told by the fucking government I have to retrain.

Rethink, reskill, reboot, Rishi.

Rishi came up with that.

No problem. I can do anything - act, produce, write, direct,

smoulder.

Oh, Idris!

HE GIGGLES

PANTING

Yah, listen to me. After COVID, all of those skills are useless.

I can kickbox, rap, DJ, advertise Sky TV...

Er, thing is, all of those skills

were useless before COVID, my friend.

BOND THEME RINGTONE

I've got to check this. Could be about James Bond.

Ah-ha.

Yeah.

Ah-ha.

Course I want it.

But extra pepperoni and no garlic bread.

That was the missus calling about dinner.

Oh, yeah, Pizza Hole's Monday Madness.

Rishi came up with that too.

Are you gonna retrain me for a new job or what?

Hm, I'll just enter your job history into the computer here.

So we've got detective, cat, guardian of the bridge of time,

and the answer is... care worker.

Hang on, bruv, the computer ain't even turned on.

Rishi knows.

'Ere, you, this tea's cold.

SHE SIMPERS Oh, it's lovely.

SHE GIGGLES

Took us a while, but we're finally moved in.

Won't need these any more.

Can crowns go in the recycling bin?

Toss them on the Goodwill pile. Out with the old.

In California, we're just a regular couple

living close to Oprah and far from the paparazzi.

Ooh. But not too far. CAMERAS CLICK

The best thing is, no more following Granny's rules.

"Don't wear your pants on your head, Harry."

"Don't barf on the butler, Harry."

If I want to play polo in my living room,

who's gonna stop me?

Stop that! Right away, Megs.

Guys, we're calling for a total national lockdown,

a clear difference between us and the Tories,

but you're my Shadow Cabinet, I need you to help me sell it.

Keir? Yes, Anneliese?

I need to go to the toilet.

Well, can't you go on your own? You're the Shadow Chancellor.

I'm frightened. I can't take you now.

I've got Prime Minister's Questions in a minute.

Um, Keir, one of the big boys stole my sandwiches.

John, you're Shadow Secretary for Defence,

this shouldn't keep happening.

My mummy made them.

And you should be making your own sandwiches now.

Erm... Yes, Nick?

This better be something to do with the Home Office.

I've drawn a picture of my doggy. And it's very good.

But I need some quotes from SAGE about the circuit-breaker.

Can't you do it?

No, I always do it.

Look, you guys are gonna have to step up

and start taking some responsibility.

NICK CRIES Don't cry.

What is it now, Anneliese?

I've wet my pants. SHE SOBS

THEY ALL CRY

HARRY CHUCKLES

Knock, knock, anybody home?

I'm your next-door neighbour, LeBron.

Welcome to the cul-de-sac.

Baked you a cake. Thanks, mate.

Can I offer you something?

Garbage crown? I'm good.

I just wanna say, in the cul-de-sac, we're like a team

and any good team follows the rules.

Rules? Yeah.

Like the TEAM keeps the noise down after 7.30 when I go to bed.

The TEAM keep their hedges trimmed

and the TEAM doesn't park their big-ass Land Rover

in front of my driveway.

Sounds like the team is all about you.

That is not true.

Just read the book,

then take the quiz, then move your car

and put your trash cans away.

You're worse than my grandmum with your rules.

Well, I'm done following orders.

If you've got a problem, let's settle this the American way

on the polo field.

I'm not riding a fucking pony.

My feet drag on the ground.

Fine, you name the game.

Basketball. Never heard of it.

Bucket soccer? Oh!

You're on. Best two chuckers out of three.

Whatever. Just tidy up your hydrangeas.

Oh, by the way, have you seen my polo ball?

No, I have not.

Table for one, please.

But room for more. I'm sure people will want to join me.

Oh, Ivanka Trump.

I'm sorry, we're all full up.

There's a table right by the window.

No, there isn't. SNAPS FINGERS

GLASS SMASHES, CAR HORNS BLARE

I get it. This is New York where everyone hates my father,

and sure, like any good daughter, I enable him,

but deep down inside, I'm just a liberal New Yorker.

Just ask Spike Lee.

VOMITS LOUDLY

Oh, food poisoning. Get better, Spike.

Oh, my gosh, there's Beyonce.

I know her from, like, a million Kennedy Center Honors.

Is this seat taken?

Yes, there's hot soup on it.

Oh, people don't know how funny you are,

but I do, because we're friends.

Squad goals!

Ms Trump, if you don't mind.

Look, I'll sit anywhere.

My father won't be President much longer,

I've got to re-establish myself

among the New York movers and shakers.

Well... we do have a small booth.

TOILET FLUSHES

How are you enjoying your booth? I like the drawings.

Glass of champagne? Yummers.

Leave through the kitchen when you're done.

TOILET FLUSHES

I can't believe you got into a fight with LeBron James.

He's a basketball superstar.

Have you tasted his ball cake? It's good, I know.

But no-one bosses me around.

Getting tight with LeBron would be huge for us.

He does movies, runs charities.

He could star in our first big Netflix documentary.

I thought that was about how my mum was exploited by the media.

Yes, the terrible, terrible media.

SHE CHUCKLES, CAMERAS CLICK

You have to call off this dumb challenge.

Megs, I can't back down.

I need to feel proud of myself for once

by crushing my neighbour at bucket soccer.

Oh, you're so sweet when you're an idiot.

Besides, I've been practising.

Megs, what's the basketball equivalent

of poisoning someone's pony?

Hi, everyone. I hope you love TikTok like I do.

I especially love how it has new links

to the Chinese Communist Party.

Sir, the Central Committee is delighted

with the latest TikTok numbers.

Not now, Qian.

Some people say that TikTok is a conspiracy to steal private data.

That's silly. TikTok is for fun.

So I am going to show you a fun, new dance

called the Jinping Shuffle.

It's easy and everyone must do it.

I mean "should".

Hit the music, Qian.

And that's the Jinping Shuffle.

Make sure to like and follow

and don't worry, I already follow you.

Pence, I'm gonna lose this election unless I remind people

how great, really great, I am.

I need a big foreign policy win, like when I took down Bin Laden.

That wasn't you, that was Obama.

I told you never to say that name here.

Sic him. Take his eyes.

Argh!

GROWLING

Actually, there's a dangerous situation

between India and China here in the Himalayas.

It's a long-running border dispute dating back to 1842

when the Indians held off a Chinese invasion.

Boring! Show me the fun way.

HAIR GROWLS

We're China, we claim this land as part of our empire.

No way, it's part of the Sikh empire which will one day be part of India.

What do I look like, a Wheel Of Fortune egg head?

Dumb it down.

Once upon a time, high on a mountain,

there was a big hamburger. How big?

50 square miles. Jesus Christ!

I want the hamburger. I want the hamburger.

I want the hamburger!

Exactly, sir, the problem is there's only one hamburger.

That is a tough, tough situation.

Mike, this problem has touched me deeply, very deeply.

In the spirit of friendship and respect,

I vow to bring peace to these two craptastic countries.

Excellent, sir, you're so decisive.

Now, get back to the briefing

and put some lady puppets in there, hot ones.

Ha-ha! Ha, ha.

Hmm. Hmm. Mm.

The bloody northerners are whinging about lockdown again.

I thought that's why we built a giant ice wall between us and them.

That's Game Of Thrones, sir.

Some of them are complaining they're lockdowned too strictly

and the others are complaining

they're not lockdowned strictly enough.

What if we treat each city according to its individual needs?

I'll go and stand behind the plant.

You're from the north, aren't you, Dom? Durham.

Yes, that's where my pod was stranded...

I mean, where my parents are from.

And it's where you went for your eye test that time.

Eye test, yes.

I certainly wasn't moulting my exoskeleton.

Exoskeleton, eh? Obviously you speak their language.

Why don't you take a trip up there, see if you can sort them out.

Of course. But just in case I don't speak their language,

or indeed know anything about them at all,

allow me to learn what you know with a quick mind-meld.

I mean, there's something in your ear. Ah.

Zow, zow, zow.

I know the north.

Mayors of the great northern dominions,

I am here to listen to your demands.

Why are you holding this meeting in a pub?

According to my information, this is your natural habitat.

Look, I bring your favourite northern snacks,

tripe, black pudding and knock-off cigarettes.

Mm, delicious.

Nom, nom, nom.

SQUELCHING

You haven't got a clue about us. I mean, what planet are you from?

The planet Durham.

Look, we just want to be treated with a bit of respect.

To make decisions that make sense for us.

I see.

And to get drunk in massive crowds!

THEY CHEER

I have heard you. Fear not, you have a voice in government.

Wow, I am feeling so much gratitude.

A few weeks ago, I took a big risk and endorsed Joe Biden,

a candidate that most people in America like,

and people liked me for it.

I set a record for Instagram followers.

Life lesson - always speak your truth.

You set a record for an American man.

Ariana Grande and Cristiano Ronaldo kick your butt.

Not now, Kevin. I'm just speaking my truth.

The point of this video is I'm grateful.

No, the point is, buy my terrible tequila.

I'll be back in a second.

Nothing goes better with gratitude

than a glass of my Whatamana tequila,

the tequila with the worm.

MUFFLED GARBLING

OK, Dom, how do we handle the northerners?

EERIE VIBRATIONS

Annihilate them and build the giant ice wall.

Infrastructure project, wonderful.

We'll put a garden on top of it.

SLURPING, CHOMPING

Can't stop eating these.

LeBron, I'm so happy we're neighbours. I suppose.

Listen, Harry said he challenged you to a friendly game of b-ball.

Don't call it that.

But the thing is, he's in a real fragile space right now

so you think you could go easy on him?

Like, let him win?

You want me to deliberately lose a game of basketball?

Just hoping you could help me out, be a team player.

Who said I'm not a team player?

Are you saying I'm not a team player?

I'll lose this game if I want to.

I can miss a shot. Check this out.

I'll work on it.

Ah, another rainy October day in old Brexity Britain.

Oh, I could really use an island getaway. Me too.

CALYPSO MUSIC

Another Blonde Bombshell for you, Prime Minister. Ooh.

HE SLURPS

Even for a fantasy, seems a bit much.

ROCK MUSIC

Ah. Miss Patel?

We refugees have been waiting so long.

When do we go to Great Britain?

When you can name every English monarch,

earn £30 million a year

and drink 15 pints of Stella and still drive.

SHE CACKLES

He dodges, he weaves, he deceives.

Yeah, you've got mad skills. OK, I concede the game. We done?

Oh, not until you've been schooled right proper, you giant piss pot.

Now we're done.

POPPING

I'm in the net. Ten points for me!

DOOR CLICKS OPEN

DOOR SHUTS

Hey, Grimes. Been working on your latest megahit?

No, I had our baby.

Oh, right, congratulations.

Are you going somewhere, honey?

I'm not sure how to break it to you, Grimey,

but I'll put it as gently as I can.

I'm going to Mars forever, see ya!

Wait, Mars? Like, over by Jupiter?

I've always wanted to see that area. It's more of a business trip.

I'm starting a whole new civilisation.

And I'll be the songwriter for that civilisation.

Just think, a whole planet

with nothing but my music playing on and on and on...

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, I totally got an idea.

No, no, you need to stay here to look after little XA12.

You mean our baby?

No, my prototype self-driving submarine.

OK, darling, at least leave me something to remember you by.

Like your money. It's all yours, Grimey.

I've got five billion in Bitcoin. The password is "one".

Sir, about the China-India border crisis in the Himalayas.

We need to send a top negotiator with impeccable qualifications.

I've got just the family member.

Oh, no, not Jared. Anyone but Jared.

Send in Jared.

ROLLING WHEELS

Ivanka, sweetie, how are you doing?

J-Man! Put it there.

Kushy, I got a mission only you can handle.

I'm sending you to the Himaloomoo Mountains in Southeast Crapistan.

Himalayas, Indian subcontinent.

That's right, Jared, get in there. Use your charm and personality,

that electricity we all feel when you explode into the room.

Whoa, calm down!

Save that bashing for the Himaloomoo hillbillies.

Jare Bear, this could be great for our image.

Bringing peace to the world would really impress

my liberal New York friends.

Please? Oh, thanks, Boo Boo.

We're in, Daddy. Great.

You leave tomorrow and learn the Chinese language,

whatever it's called.

Good boy. That's my whiz kid.

CACKLES

That mug Rishi Sunak said musicians should retrain for other jobs,

so I did.

I'm a car alarm.

CRICKETS CHIRP, WATER SPLOSHES

Well, I played a great game and LeBron did his best,

but I'm willing to call it a draw.

You can call it that if I can call myself a movie star.

The main thing is I stood up for myself

and earned the respect of our new neighbour.

And new friend? Get out of my hot tub.

SHE GIGGLES

CAMERA CLICKS

I'm David Attenborough, sitting in my own garden.

By pure chance, a miracle of nature is happening right in front of me.

A butterfly about to emerge from chrysalis.

And thanks to Instagram, I can share it with the...

BUZZING

Why is this thing buzzing and flashing?

Did you remember to charge your phone?

No, I fucking didn't remember to...

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