Original subtitles

After a number of missteps with our track and trace efforts,

we've finally come up with a world-beating system

to monitor infected individuals.

Mrs Jones from Number 42.

I can see the whole street from my window.

Are you saying your new track and trace system

is a middle-aged woman standing behind a net curtain?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Her across the road is always in and out with her gentlemen friends.

Who's looking after the kiddies?

We've been testing her for a number of weeks

and we've been very encouraged by the results.

And I've seen your online profile, Mr HardBrex-x-xit45.

No more questions. This way.

Man, I'm so bored, I signed every blank piece of paper there is.

I even wrote myself a great get well card.

The best get well card.

I'm not a big fan of this place, either.

I'm a people person.

I like crowds, Rose Garden ceremonies.

Me too, and the food in here sucks.

Look, this hot dog is green.

But I guess we're stuck here.

I mean, what can the President of the United States do?

Yeah, that Obama, what a loser. Hey, wait a minute, I'm President.

It's so ridiculous, even I keep forgetting it.

Corony, it's time for a little road trip.

THEY CHUCKLE

FIESTA MUSIC PLAYS

Look at all those fans out there.

They love me. Who wouldn't?

Why don't you roll down the window so I can get to know them better?

You're sneaky, Corony.

But I'm smart. Also, these are child-proof windows.

Damn it. No problem, I'll get someone.

Maybe you're a little more trouble than I thought.

No, I'm a pushover.

You're big and strong. I bet you can totally beat me up.

You bet I could.

THEY GRUNT

Oh, you almost got me that time with those big hands.

See, you're much tougher than me.

You're right, Corony, you're a great virus.

A lot of people are saying that, by the way.

They say you're better than genital warts

and I think they're right. What say we go back to my place?

Hey, everyone, I'm doing tremendous

and so is my pal, Corony, here.

Actually, I don't feel so good.

I think I may have caught a case of you.

HE MOANS Turning orange.

Vocabulary shrinking.

Caps lock on. SAD!

China.

Heh-heh! You got a lethal dose of POTUS-45.

How long will it last?

Four more beautiful years, baby.

Jurgen, you are not sleepy? Wow,

I'm thinking about all the positives

from our unprecedented 7-2 loss to Aston Villa.

Wow, amazing.

Do you know how many injuries we are having from the game? Zero!

I am so really, really proud of the boys. Aye.

So many beautiful goals.

Ha-ha!

KNOCKING

Mr Vice President, Speaker Pelosi is waiting outside.

Shall I send her in?

Only if you stay.

I can't be alone with a woman other than my wife.

It's a Biblical injunction.

Sorry, I have to see my doctor.

He wouldn't give me the test results over the phone.

All he said was, "Hoo, boy", so probably good news.

Pence, can we talk about your idiot boss, Trump?

Vice President Pence is not here.

Please return when you are a man. Beep.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Ooh, I'm a scary female.

I have boobs.

I am a desk and I'm going home now.

OK, I'm all alone.

Just got to find a way out that avoids all ladies' rooms,

secretary pools, and paintings of Abigail Adams.

FEMALE VOICE ON PHONE: Finding shortest path to your office.

Woman in my pocket!

HE SCREAMS

Jurgen, here is a parcel for you.

It says it is from Manchester. Wow. Ha!

For me, this is unbelievable.

I mean, so many nice things have become sent to us since I've...

FLIES BUZZ, SHE GAGS My God, it is stinking.

What is it? It's a box of poo!

Amazing!

Wow. Ha-ha!

"With love from Man United. Liverpool will always be shit."

Ha-ha! I love the sense of humour.

Unbelievable. Wow.

Are you crazy? It's human faeces.

Another message from the Everton fans.

"Fuck you, Red scum." So clever!

Fantastic. Mind blown.

You should be phoning the police.

I am thinking we have bricks and free manure.

We can build a rose box next to the house.

Great! Unbelievable!

Ha! I've had it.

I'm leaving. She will come to understand,

the fans have big feelings. It is good that they unbottle them.

It's for you.

TICKING Oh, wow!

Look at this engineering. Amazing.

With a clock for the counting down.

And I've got one whole second left.

It's a little hard to feel good about this.

Wait, what a piece of luck,

my head has landed in the sink.

Wow, now I won't make a mess on the furniture.

Fantastic! Unbelievable...

Right, bad news first.

Terrible recession, trade fallen off a cliff,

Brexit an utter cock-up,

and pandemic number two is on the way.

What's the good news? Well, um...

My wine club delivery just came.

What is this wine of which you speak?

You must have had a glass of wine before, Dom?

Oh, yes, during social encounters with other humans.

I am a human.

BORIS SLURPS There, I'm good and buzzed.

Now, let's solve the economy.

The answer is simple, we enslave the unemployed

and force them to work deep underground

where they will devolve into blind cave worms.

Devolve? Like Scotland and Wales?

Precisely.

Fresh idea. Unexpected.

How will it play with our new Northern voters?

Very badly.

It's a terrible idea.

It is an excellent idea.

I am the smartest creature within ten parsecs.

If you will not heed my words, then you must obey my mind rays!

EERIE SOUNDS

Tastes like strawberry jam.

It's no good, Dom.

You can't be affected by mind rays

unless you start with some kind of intelligence. Cheers!

Yes, cheers.

GURGLING

Let's see. My cyber truck is a top seller with dads who like Mad Max,

my rap label scored a huge artist - me,

got my wind-powered suppository inserter.

Oof! Huh!

What other genius products am I slapping my name on?

There's the hyperloop, transport pod of the future.

The hyperloop? I thought I told you to chuck that?

No, you told us to spend a billion dollars on it.

I hate transportation pods.

They're fucking dead weight. We need to move people, not pods.

We anticipated your objection,

so we also have a podless system in development.

Fantastic.

First I'll announce it to the world in an awkward livestream event,

then we'll see if it actually works.

Another terrific job by me.

How soon will it do whatever it does?

Well, we have to run some safety checks with a test pilot.

I'll do the testing.

I can't afford pilots.

This company is haemorrhaging cash and I can't figure out why.

"Musk stock way overpriced, also I love pot."

Welcome to Salt Lake City and the Vice Presidential Debate.

Because of Covid,

the candidates have been separated by a plexiglass barrier.

Vice President Pence, is everything OK?

Tell her to stop trying to get so close to me.

Senator Harris, you're harassing that man

because of his religious beliefs.

I'm a Democrat, that's what we do.

Please sit down.

Mr Pence, can we get started? Just one more thing.

Now I'm ready. FLY BUZZING

Tell them the miracle drug I took has no side effects.

Hey! Whoa! Look out!

Watch it!

And we're out of time.

Hello, fellow foodies.

I'm David Attenborough,

sharing with you this delicious meal,

a celebration of Earth's bounty

from a wonderful restaurant near the...

You take the picture before you eat the food, David.

Fucking social media!

CLATTERING

This week, the Prime Minister proposed

a new clean energy plan for Britain.

This speech has inspired us to develop

a prototype clean energy device

which the Prime Minister himself will now demonstrate.

Yes. HE MUMBLES

The wind comes out here,

is converted into electricity here,

transformed here, powering the lamp here.

If you'd like to begin your speech, Prime Minister.

This is a fantastic way to harness our natural resources

so that together we can build

a new Jerusalem and bask in the sunlit...

He's giving it too much power.

..sceptred isle.

It's going critical. Distract the generator.

..the nations of the world.

Ah! The humble burger. Too late.

Has anyone got a match?

I don't think we actually make them any more.

OK, Joe, to win it all for the Democrats, spell Kamala.

Woo!

Can you use it in a sentence?

Speaker Pelosi.

The representatives from the African American Voters Coalition.

Wonderful! I want you and the entire Black community

to know that I stand with you.

We're hoping to go over our action plan with Black Lives Matter and...

I'm sorry, were you wearing that scarf when we came in?

Oh, the Kente cloth?

It's my signature accessory.

And let me assure you,

that I empathise with your struggle and share in your pain.

Habari gani.

That's Swahili for, "What is the news?"

Anyway, in light of recent events... Wait.

When did you put on that dashiki?

The important thing is that we move our cause forward together.

Ai-i-ight?

OK, you're at optimal thrust position within the cylinder.

That's what she said.

HE CHUCKLES

Noted, sir. Elevate to launch angle.

You'll pass through the ejection port at hypersonic speed,

cruise high above the Gulf of Mexico,

then descend for max G-force capture

aboard our drone ship Titanic Ego.

Don't lecture me, I went to Stanford for two days.

Just shoot me out the hole.

Initiate launch sequence.

Up, up and a-Musk!

Elon.

Elon!

Where am I? Who's talking?

I'm you from the future.

I bring an urgent warning.

Something terrible is coming.

Is it that outfit you're wearing?

Hey, this was your future bad idea.

Asshole. Pedo.

OK, I'm convinced, you're me.

So, what's the big warning?

You must leave Earth by November 3rd.

Get yourself to Mars.

What happens on November 3rd?

I can't go into details,

it would destroy space-time causality.

Plus, it would ruin the surprise.

I love surprises. Me too!

But I can't just abandon Earth,

I've got tunnels to dig, stuff to electrify, weed to smoke.

Don't be a fool, you idiot.

Earth has served its purpose, it created you.

Wait, Future Me, I have so many questions.

Go to Mars! Oh, and bring a bicycle pump.

Don't forget the fucking bicycle pump!

Ouch! I'm awake.

I know. Ow! Ow! Ow!

Speaker Pelosi,

the representatives from the Gay And Lesbian Alliance.

Wonderful.

I want you and the entire LGBTQ community

to know that I stand with you.

Thank you, Madam Speaker, because we have many pressing...

Wait... I didn't notice your vest when we came in.

Oh, this?

You can't keep something like this in the closet.

Funny, Madam Speaker, but...

OK.

You definitely weren't wearing that when we came in.

Just know that I empathise with your struggle

and share in your pain.

Ya-a-as queen!

Well, I...

THEY MOAN IN PLEASURE

Ah, Western leaders, so nice to see you.

Please, try our famous wet market buffet.

Are you sure there's nothing infectious, no bat or pangolin?

No, no, try the pate.

It's pango-licious.

Now, Xi, as you know, relations have been strained between our nations.

Strained like the milk in a fine Tilsit cheese,

which we want to sell you eine giganticker tonne of.

I love old women. Let me lick your wrinkles.

Oh! Later.

In the sauna.

We'd love to get our trade relationship back to normal.

It's not as if we can build our own

power stations and railways any more.

And I would like to resume the flow

of undergraduate and postgraduate spies

to your technical universities.

You said "spies" there. I think you mean "students".

Oh, yes, a simple error.

Spy and student are very similar words in Chinese.

HE LICKS AND SLURPS Ooh!

Poopchen!

So, the only problem is these new laws you brought in in Hong Kong.

They were a touch repressive. Not at all.

The death penalty is only for the most extreme cases

when protestors use umbrellas.

There is also the difficulty with the Uighurs' re-education camps.

Similar to your vocational training colleges...

without sanitation or running water.

Well, jolly good then. Everyone?

Wunderbar. Parfait.

However, there is one more question.

Yes? Are you gonna eat that bat?

BAT SQUEAKS

Madam Speaker, Rabbi Horowitz from the Jewish Alliance.

Rabbi, Rabbi, come in.

Mazel tov.

Is this some kind of joke?

That's mishigas! I stand with you,

I feel your pain.

This is an insult.

A schande is what it is!

Perhaps you should come back later, Rabbi.

Speaker Pelosi is not feeling well.

What's that on your button?

Meow.

Hello?

It's for you, Kier, someone from the donkey sanctuary.

I've told you before,

they're called the Shadow Cabinet.

Hello, Ed. DONKEY BRAYS

Lee, you are not ready.

You said you would come to the climate change conference with me.

Oh, yeah. I'd love to,

but West Ham are playing at home so I thought we could go to that.

But what about the environment?

There's an environment there, it's just quite an aggressive one.

But this is our last chance to save the Earth.

And it's our last chance to see West Ham at home for a fortnight.

Come on.

I suppose.

Great, I'll get the car.

Is it electric?

Well, the lights are.

This is so much better than a climate change conference,

the graceful players,

the smack of the ball off the foot.

Yeah, trying to watch the game, Greta.

Why does he pass the ball back?

He should pass it forwards.

Why has he failed us? I don't know.

Hey, you know you've still got time to get to that conference?

The goalie should kick the ball to the other end

and then Declan Rice bonks it in with his head.

That is the right plan.

Yeah. I'm going to come every week.

That's football, Greta.

1-0 up, 2-1 down.

The referee has stolen my childhood with his erratic decision making.

It happens.

And the manager has lied to us with his empty promises

of a top-half finish.

So, I suppose that means you won't be coming next week?

Oh, no.

I must save West Ham.

And you are coming with me now to picket the manager's house.

Come on, Greta, cool down.

I can't! I'm hot!

I'm afraid that the Speaker has come down with a bad case of panderitis,

an irresistible compulsion to pander for votes from every identity group.

It's entirely involuntary at this point.

Is it serious? Very serious.

I share in the pain doctors face when they get the yips playing golf.

It's becoming so blatant that no-one will ever believe her again.

There is one cure, but it's highly experimental.

In fact, this is the first experiment.

We make her look at herself in the mirror.

With no-one to mimic,

she'll be forced to return to her original identity.

Or she'll have a nervous breakdown. Either way...

She's been locked in there for a week without food or water.

Let's see what happened.

Oh... my... God.

Oh.

I became what I really am,

a creature that lives only to absorb any and all voting blocs.

I am not in the big tent, I am the tent.

I am the Blo-o-ob!

Gruesome, horrifying!

Let's see how this plays.

It's not looking good.

The Bloob is making in-roads in all the key battleground states.

Unleash the Roob.

GULPING, BELCHES

That's our guy.

Thanks for coming in, Quentin, we want to talk to you about a project.

Shut up, David.

You know how you're always making films where you change history,

like you did that one where Hitler got murdered,

and that other one where Sharon Tate didn't get murdered.

Yeah.

I was wondering if you could make a film

where Watford win the 1984 FA Cup Final against Everton.

I guess. But wouldn't you prefer me to remake last year's FA Cup Final

when Watford lost to Manchester City?

Oh, no, it was 6-0, I don't think the public would buy it.

Speaking as a film producer in my own right... Shut up, David!

A message from the future.

Go to Mars. Can I really do it?

♪ Shot from my cannon

♪ But I hit the wall Oh-oh

♪ Fired everyone

♪ At ground control

♪ Got a message from some future asshole

♪ Go to Mars, he said

♪ But I'm a car man

♪ Earth is my garage

♪ Ain't gonna risk my stardom

♪ For what might be a mirage

♪ I'm a car man

♪ Or maybe I'm a god

♪ Zooming round the planets

♪ In my hyperlooping pod

♪ Joe Rogan told me Keep your rocket smoking

♪ Don't ever stop your toking

♪ Your autopilot's broken

♪ Go to Mars

♪ And the future's yours

♪ A new race of humans From a bag of spores

♪ In 50 years You'll be able to go outdoors

♪ Lotta terraforming

♪ Ruling Mars man

♪ High up on a throne

♪ I'll be the hottest dude there

♪ Cos I'll be there all alone

♪ He told me Go to Mars, you genius

♪ Stop playing with your penius

♪ A king without a queenius

♪ On Mars! ♪

Change of plans.

We need to launch the Mars rocket by November 3rd.

I want every designer we've got on this. For the engines?

What are you, stupid? For my space boots.

I'm not gonna be the guy that shows up on Mars wearing lame boots.

Let's move! Let's move!

Your new track and trace system is already a shambles.

16,000 positive results missed. What's going on?

Yeah, sorry, everyone.

I had one too many quarantinis at book group this afternoon!

But I'll be right back on it tonight after a nice sleep.

SHE LAUGHS THEN VOMITS

I recognise there has been a glitch,

but we all need to get behind Mrs Jones.

But, Boris, you already spent £5 billion

on a British satellite navigation system.

Why do you want to chuck it

and rejoin the European Union satnav project?

Well, the British satnav system has had mixed success.

BORIS'S VOICE ON SATNAV: 'Right. No, next right. I mean left. This left.

'Oh, bugger, it was that left.' What?

'Turn around. Or indeed, don't turn around.

'Just carry on. Yes, onwards.'

THEY SCREAM

'You have arrived at your destination.'

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