Original subtitles

♪ Land of hope and glory ♪

Good luck, sir, good luck!

Good luck in Jewish!

♪ Mother of the free ♪

♪ Lord made thee mighty ♪

It was a very hard day today.

♪ Made... ♪

Coming!

♪ I can beat you at dominoes ♪

Wanted! Money!

No reasonable offer refused.

I know you. You're...

You're Dave Lodge. Late of er...

Cockleshell Heroes.

And according to your credentials,

the accenfs on the... Oh, now, on the shells.

I have just got a job as a policeman.

- Letter for you, bwana. - This must mean blackmail!

Oh, Lord y!

Wait a minute. Here comes one now.

♪ Oi'll be... ♪ - American Express?

That'll do nicely, thank you!

That's Sheik The Drips Off.

He's on his way to have his plimsolls blacked up

by "Jewish" John Bluthal, the bionic boot-black boy.

It's a letter. It's from the BBC.

They want us to do another series - Q9.

There comes a camera now.

Good...

Good evening.

And here is an oil painting of it.

It's something or other o'clock,

and here is the Ten O'clock News.

Parliament was reassembled today.

The Liberals put up the walls,

the Labour Party put up the ceiling.

And the Conservatives put up the prices.

A new organisation are offering distressed people help.

The Punk Samaritans.

Should you feel suicidal, just phone them

and they'll tell you how to do it.

In the High Court today,

a judge fell off and killed himself.

The case concerned a masochist who couldn't stand pain.

He forced his wife to tie him to the gas stove with his braces

and thrash him with strawberry Miracle Whip.

He asked for three other flavours

to be taken into consid...

Two lrishmen kidnapped the son

of millionaire newsreader Richard Baker.

They... They have demanded a ransom of over £18.

PIus... 50p for the bus fare.

They say if it's not forthcoming within a month,

they're gonna kill themselves.

A rare golden eagle was stolen from the zoo.

It's estimated to be worth £10,000.

What's worrying the Inland Revenue is

how the bird managed to save so much money.

Mr Callaghan is 67.

I am a thing of beauty.

I am a thing of beauty.

Turn round. No, that way.

That's right, get up.

Right, run the film!

In English!

In German, German!

Still in English! Click.

Verclicken. Still in German.

In Cockney.

In season!

40-love.

Quiet, please.

- Shut up! - ♪ Land of hope and glory

♪ Mother of the... ♪

You filthy swine!

- We surrender. - Ah! We surrendered first!

Not so fast, Fritz.

All right. We... sur... ren... dered... first.

He must be Irish.

40-15. Quiet, please.

Shut up! Now, listen!

We put our white flag out first!

Oh, no, you didn't!

Oh, yes, we did!

Nein, nein, nein.

You bloody fool! Now look what you've done!

We interrupt this programme to tell you

that this is an official BBC interruption.

And now we interrupt this programme to tell you

that the interruption to the interruption is over.

Good night.

Sorry, I didn't hear.

None of the knockers in this street are working.

- I am General Haig. - Yes?

That's the wrong way to spell "Haig".

I must see your credentials.

Stand on this mirror.

His poor wife!

You are not General Haig!

You are... Red Rum!

Look at those saddle burns!

Don't look, my dear!

He's going past the post.

- Now, listen! - Yes?

Toss me for who surrendered first.

Right, run tele-cine. Alley-oop!

- Aaagh! - Watch monitors!

Love-40.

40? They're 46 if they're an inch!

Overacting at its best.

- No, no, Fritz. - Your leg is on my foot!

I meant toss me with a coin.

Right! Run tele-cine! Alley-oop!

Aaagh!

For the second time, you are my head's delight.

Bom-bom-bom-bom...

Keep going, we're under time.

Wait a minute! Two spades...

one club. Play pontoons!

Ju-ju-ju-ju...

Jew-Jew-Jew-Jew? They don't like Jews!

- No, I meant toss a coin. - t won't get as a big a laugh.

Watch this. Heil!

- Hello? - It was heads.

You lose!

Aargh!

New balls, please.

Good evening to you on the National er...

on the National Health Service.

If you're a private patient,

a much better class of evening to you.

According to the BBC make-up girl,

I'm supposed to be Jonathan Miller

in The Body In Question.

I think she's got it in for me.

I'll get it out later.

M...

Silence!

In 1603, Dr Jim Dale isolated the human leg.

Let's take a pair, like mine, for instance.

Now...

Now...

Now, this is the type you see hanging out of Scotsmen's kilts.

Anything else hanging out is illegal.

Now, rest assured that legs are not catching.

Legs are hereditary and run in most families.

I mean, erm.

Erm..

Symptoms of legs are this.

Stand up, look down.

If your bum is not touching the ground, you've got legs.

But it's nothing serious. Look.

When you get up in the morning, give them a good counting.

If they come to a total of two,

that should be enough to carry you through the day.

Now, if you go out, it's sensible

to cover them up with trousers.

I mean, there's no need for the neighbours

to know that you've got them.

You know how neighbours talk.

My neighbours talk like this.

"Hello, there, Spike..."

If, on waking, you find you've got three legs...

Then..

Then one of them... might not be.

I mean, if it's shorter...

...and the weather's been cold...

It could mean that the pyjama cord has frozen stiff.

A patient of mine fell out of bed and broke his nightshirt.

Here's something else that happens in the cold weather.

Now, how do we try and get our legs to work?

One way is by bus.

Or if you're rich, send them by taxi.

And they'll be waiting for you when you arrive at work.

And you, for your pad, can make your way there

doing Toulouse Lautrec impressions.

Remember, Toulouse Lautrec is bad enough,

but to lose your legs is sheer carelessness.

Now, this... this is a hairy leg.

Avery pronounced hairy leg,

H-A-I-R-Y, pronounced "hairy".

Now, then... I can't see the teleprompt.

Ah!

If you've got a leg like this,

it means A: you're a man, or B: you're a not.

If you're a not, put on a skirt and a padded bra,

stand on the Bayswater Road and see what happens.

If you're run over by a bus,

it means you weren't on the pavement.

If you're... If you're arrested, see a solicitor.

Now, if he's wearing a skid and a padded bra,

form a limited company.

Now, if you've got legs...

Legs like this.

If you've got legs like this,

and the backs of your hands trail along the ground...

don't see a doctor, see a zoo.

And next week, I'll answer the question:

can leg irons cure a crippling overdraft?

40-love!

You were in Cockleshell Heroes.

Yes... Agh!

That's all for tonight.

♪ Sometimes some things turn out how you mean them

♪ But then again, sometimes you can't see them

♪ So then you should remember

♪ The sun don't always shine

♪ It never rains forever

♪ It's gonna work out fine

♪ One sunny day

♪ Doesn't mean to say we had summer

♪ One lonely night

♪ Doesn't mean the end of the world

♪ Something you said

♪ One thing has led to another

♪ One lonely night

♪ Doesn't mean the end of the world

♪ One day you'll see your troubles behind you

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ And when love goes I know it will find you

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ But while it's looking for you

♪ I know you will survive

♪ You got the world before you

♪ It's good to be alive

♪ One sunny day

♪ Doesn't mean to say we had summer

♪ One lonely night

♪ Doesn't mean the end of the world

♪ Something you said

♪ One thing has led to another

♪ One lonely night

♪ Doesn't mean the end of the world

♪ One sunny day

♪ Doesn't mean to say we had summer

♪ One lonely night

♪ Doesn't mean the end of the world

♪ Something you said

♪ One thing has led to another

♪ One lonely night

♪ Doesn't mean the end of the world

♪ La la la-la

♪ La la la-la Ia-la laa-la

♪ One lonely night

♪ Doesn't mean the end of the world

♪ La la la-la... ♪

And shake it till it's dry.

Yes.

This is a doctor sketch.

What do you want?

Doctor, do you have anything for amnesia?

For what?

For people with bad memories...

- here it is again. - Here's what again?

Erm...

- Hmm...

Read all about it!

Fleet Street printers strike!

Read all about it, Fleet Street printers strike!

Here's an interesting news item.

Read it. Read it.

- What? - Read it!

- Read, erm, this? - Yes.

Read this?

Yes! Read that!

This?

Read this, that!

Yes, today, Alex Haley, the author of Roots,

had a nervous breakdown.

He discovered he'd been adopted.

Spare me, you swines of children!

Get out of here!

Get out of there! Go on!

Get out! Come here!

Over the top of it!

I'll give you something to throw!

Get out of there! Out!

These kids coming here, asking for Christmas boxes.

♪ Living again, living again

♪ Oh, I'm living again ♪

It's the wrong song for here, isn't it?

Yes. I wonder how the workhouse Christmas puddings are going.

I know where they're going.

It was this or a week doing pantomime in Wimbledon

with Noelle Gordon.

I've heard of the first Noelle. She must be the last.

I'll just open this tin of canned laughter.

Oh. It's gone off.

Oh, it's a woman.

Yes... You've never played the piano accordion, have you?

- No. - I was gonna say...

What was I gonna say?

Sob, sob, stifle, stifle, cry, cry, cry!

Not too much - I can't swim.

Have you had a bereavement?

Yes. I've lost my husband.

Well, you won't find him here.

These are... These are all empty.

Business is bad.

It always drops off at Christmas.

Does it? Have you seen a doctor?

- They're very nice. - Oh, yes, they're lovely.

Coffins are nice. It's a pity to put them underground.

I mean, they're wasted on stiffs.

Well, I don't know which to choose.

You see, I'm not a rich woman.

Oh? I thought you were very well endowed, actually.

What's the different between the Imperial and the Ark Royal?

Well, the Ark Royal is an aircraft carrier.

I don't want him buried in an aircraft carrier!

Well, have him catapulted off the deck, then.

What does that mean?

That means your time is up in this sketch.

Dressing room number 29.

You'll find the appliances in a cardboard box

marked "hypersonic gear".

Ah! "Moves over to the other side of set."

Hello, Raymond.

You're a man of the world. Where else?

Oh. Garth! Time for walkies.

Good evening and welcome to this special edition

of Tomorrow's World.

Special not only because I'm in it

but also because, owing to an industrial dispute,

it's been brought forward to today.

Otherwise, we would have been appearing yesterday.

So welcome to this special edition

of yesterday's Tomorrow's World today.

I'd like to thank Mr Spike Milligan

for helping to terminate my career

by making me say rubbish like that.

And I suspect this.

"Defeat the cemetery shortage

and fire your loved one into outer space."

Which brings us to this extraordinary rocket.

Mr Miller...

you are the proprietor of this establishment?

Oh, that's good.

And you are the first man to deal in rocket funerals.

Am I?

But who is the gentleman sitting next to you dressed in a shroud?

Well, they do say he comes from Turin.

- Why? - Cos he comes from Turin.

But what is his role?

- Pardon? - But what is his role?

I think it's cheese and tomato.

No, I mean, what is his job?

Oh, he's a mark one trainee corpse.

Ah.

Would you care to explain the technical details

- of you rocket funerals? - No.

All right, I'll explain.

I haven't had a line up to now.

I only took the part because of the cheese and tomato roll...

That's enough! That's enough.

I'm the star.

You say it, Bax.

I only took the part because of the cheese and tomato...

No, no, no, no, no.

This is the mark one inter y hearse.

Yes, and that... The stiff goes in that box up the top there.

What would you think is the most important factor involved?

He's gotta be dead.

I can't believe this next line.

Why has he gotta be dead?

Well, otherwise, the lift-off would kill him.

Wait for the laugh.

So, what is his part in this extraordinary,

if you'll pardon the expression, undeflaking?

Try shih-tzu.

As I said, in this extraordinary undertaking.

As I said, shih-tzu.

He er... He's the editor of a magazine.

- Which magazine? - Yes.

What?

No, not What? magazine.

I said he's the editor of Which? magazine.

But he doesn't look like a witch.

He looks... He looks more like a corpse.

I know but what corpse is gonna read a magazine?

Even if it's printed in a... let's wait for it...

dead language.

If you're watching in black and white...

See? It's the same colour. That' teach you

to buy a colour set, you little mean swines!

And for those of you watching on wireless,

here's an Irish card trick. Right, pick a card.

Now, don't show me.

- What is it? - 11 of Hearts.

Correct.

Mr Milligan is 61.

And so while the poor fellow is still with us,

let's go immediately to Funeral Control

at Highgate Cemetery.

And here at the Highgate Cemetery coffin launch pad -

and I must say it's a damn sight better than my pad -

here is a hive of inactivity.

Mr Miller, what time is the lift-off?

The lift goes off at four o'clock.

Then we have to use the stairs.

I see. I notice the trial corpse is carrying a teddy bear.

- Yes, I noticed that, too. - What's behind all this?

What's behind it? It's a...

a zip fastener with a cheese roll.

Can you give me a good scientific reason

why he should take a teddy bear into outer space?

- Yes. - He can.

You learn something new ever day.

- Right, now, then, get in. - Why?

Because you are the corpsenaut.

What's that mean?

It means one giant stiff for mankind

- and death for you. - Are you mad?

Course I am. That's how I got the job.

Excuse me, am I still in this sketch?

Just. Read that.

Thank you. "My name is Fred Fernackapan,

I walk about the town, sometimes with my trousers..."

Oh! "..and sometimes with them down.

And when they were up, they were up,

and when they were down, they were down,

and when they were only half-way up,

he was arrested."

Somebody's gotta laugh at them. Read that.

- "Sit down." - Good.

"Close door."

Say, "Goodbye, everyone, forever."

Right, now, sing!

♪ Land of hope and glory... ♪

Raymond Baxter is 79!

...four, three...

What are we gonna do now? Baaa!

What are we gonna do now? Baaa!

What are we gonna do now? Baaa!

Er...

Here is the...

Here is the late news.

It's er... an hour late, to be precise.

Veteran bird-Strangler Howard Smyih

died from an excess of alcohol.

A Guinness lorry ran over him.

Said the driver through a spokesman,

"It was very strange,

he looked perfectly all right before I hit him."

Percy Thrower has grown a 15-foot-long marrow

and is finding it very difficult to get his trousers on.

The annual octogenarians' London-to-Brighton run

took place yesterday. The results will not be released

until the next of kin have been informed.

A man was arrested in Hyde Park today

for feeding the squirrels.

He was feeding them to his dog.

The dog was last seen running up an elm tree

trying to save his nuts for the winter.

Finally...

Finally, the Queen is golding a harden party

at Puckingham Balace...

I beg your pardon. I'll read that again.

The Queen is golding a harden party

at Puckingham Balace.

- Good night. - Good night.

Good evening.

The Pope has promised Bruce Forsyth an audience.

He's sending a charabanc of nuns to the Palladium.

Marylebone Police are looking for a tall blonde

with a 42-inch bust.

Asked what the charge was, they said,

"There's no charge. We're just looking for a tall blonde..."

An Irish clairvoyant claims he can see into the past.

He proved this when he predicted

that Red Rum would win the 1976 Grand National.

A man doing 138 mph up the M1

was finally stopped by the police.

They congratulated him because he was on foot.

A cure has been found for habitual criminals.

It's called prison.

One criminal said, "It's marvellous.

I haven't committed a crime since I've been in here."

Brendan Foster... Brendan Foster today

ran an incredible one-minute mile on a new cinder track.

It was still hot.

Irish convict Patrick Maloney

has taken three years to tunnel out of Strangeways jail.

It's a pity because he was only in for three months.

The governor has given him a credit note

for 21 months which can be...

At the sale of impressionists at Sotheby's today,

Mike Yarwood went for £1,000.

The...

The Thames Water Board held a banquet last night

to celebrate the cleaning of the River Thames.

The toast was drunk by 500 guests

with silver tankards of Thames water.

The mass funeral will be on Monday.

You hear that sound effect? If I'd have followed that,

I wouldn't have been in this sketch.

Is this a British Rail lost property department?

Yes, and our motto is, "Get lost!"

- American Express? - Pardon?

American Express?

Oh, that will do nicely, thank you.

And I now sentence you to six years' hard

in Mrs Thatcher's knickers.

I have lost an item of clothing.

Oh, I am sorry.

I lost an uncle in the Navy.

Normally, the lost property assistant

is not dressed as the Lord Chief Justice of England.

I know but we now have a Conservative government in.

And I therefore sentence you to be hung until something falls off.

Now, have you anything to say?

According to the rehearsal script...

Rehearsal? - Heel! Heel!

No ad-libbing. No ad-libbing.

No ad-libbing, Bob. Heel! Heel!

Come on. Hurry up. The last bus goes at 11.

I am supposed to say...

there is no po in the room.

Look, Spike...

...how can you write lines like that?

Well, it's because that line

is an integral part of the script, Robert

Ladies and gentlemen, is anybody here with a p in this room?

Anybody? Don't be ashamed.

I've been caught in the middle of a front row before.

You see? There is no po in the room.

So will you please say the line with confidence?

I'll give you a musical backing. Cue organ!

And will the real John Bluthal stand up!

There is no po in the room!

Don't blame me!

I'm not a khazi attendant.

Judges are found in chambers, not in pos.

For not laughing at that joke, I sentence to you

to Bob Monkhouse and his celebrity grin.

All right, so you're not getting laughs.

Look, I can't go on. I can't go on being a lie.

I'm not a judge, really. I'm not a judge at all.

Actually, what I am is a... a bowler unblocker.

You see, when Freddie Truman was blocked up, I unblocked him.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten,

11,12,13,14,

15,16...

Ah, it's the little things that count.

Where did they get this audience - Iran?

No, I am not a Lord Chief Justice.

- My name is Lulu Lumps. - That sounds awful.

Yeah, but it's pronounced "Lumps."

Whenever you're ready.

Camera three.

I have come here to tell him

that I've lost an item of clothing on the train.

- What was it? - The 08:20 from Portsmouth.

That's where my uncle died.

Your uncle died on the eight...

Was it the fish?

- Pardon? - Was it the fish?

No, it was the other.

You told me your uncle died in the Navy.

Oh, no! He died in the gravy.

He died in the gravy. You see, he was on the buffet carriage

- on the 09:27. - You said the 08:20.

Ah, but with inflation, 09:27.

So he's on the buffet

and he ordered a plate of British Railway gravy.

The train pulled up with a jerk. The jerk got off.

And Uncle fell face-down in the gravy

- and snuffed it! - Snuffed it?

Of course! You're not supposed to snuff it, but sip it!

So anyhow, he's face-down in it and he can't swim.

That's why he couldn't get in the Navy.

Mind you, he tried.

But the recruiting office said, "Can you swim?"

He says, "Why? Haven't you got any ships?"

And for not laughing at that joke,

I sentence you to four years in Strangeways.

I haven't got any strange ways.

You will when you've been in there four years.

Hey, Spike. What are you trying to do with my career?

Career?

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Yiddishe mother, Anne Shelton!

Do I look like Anne Shelton?

Yes.

Well, you're wrong!

You've been living a lie. It's Dave! Dave!

Dave Shelton, her father!

You are wrong again.

Why don't you read The Radio Times,

then you'll know who I am.

"Q9. Quinine.

Starring Spine Milligan,

Sweeny Blodd...

John Blugal and...

and... and...

...and...

and...

Dave... Dave Lodge...

- Right! And remember. - Yeah?

I was in Cockleshell Heroes.

Why did you have to dress like that?

Cos that's the only way you can get into films.

And I was booked for this show.

Well, you'll be booked for soliciting like that!

- What I want to know is... - Yes?

Why I have got such small parts?

Now, your wife's been complaining about that.

She said you've got to go jogging.

What's this?

Dead on time! Here...

It's our audience ratings for last week.

Played by Keith Smith. What a star pad!

Has anybody claimed me yet?

No. No. But it won't be long now.

- Who's gonna claim him? - Death!

Oh! You've... you've forgotten your trousers.

You're getting warm.

Yes, it's this er... It's this coat.

It's fur-lined, you know.

I got it from the Surplus Army Stores.

They got it from the Surplus British Army. Look.

What bizarre underwear!

St Saviour's Church bazaar. Why'd you ask that?

Yeah, you won't believe this but the Pope wore this.

- I don't believe it. - I told you you wouldn't.

Admit it, you've forgotten your trou...

You've forgotten your trousers.

They go against my principles.

They wear the skin off, do they?

- What's that? - It wasn't me.

Ah! It's the hooter for the end of the game.

Give them a song off. We'll clear up.

♪ My Yiddishe momma

♪ I need her more than ever now

♪ Oh, I know whatever... ♪

I am Little Dave.

I am the end of this sketch.

- Oh! - What are we gonna do now?

Oh!

- What are we gonna do now? - Oh.

What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

Oh, dear, we've got a trainee producer up there.

Get it right, will ya?

All the dandruffs falling out of my busby.

Oh, that's better.

What a life! I don't know!

Looking after the Royal Family. It's terrible, innit?

Yes...

30... 30 quid a week.

And them up there worth millions,

and me £30 a week all found.

The trouble is, I've never found anything.

Thinks. Hairy thinks.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. I...

I will ask for a rise.

Queen!

Hello? Queen Liz the Two!

I demand an instant rise of 40%, equal with British Leyland.

Backdated to...

erm... 1914!

Never mind all that waving and grinning!

I want some cash in the hand!

Ah! Wait, no! She's gone in for the Royal handbag.

Yes. So, if I'm getting a rise,

I'd better dress the part.

Eric?

Eric?

Halt!

- Who goes there? - I have come to relieve you.

You're too late, I've been.

Tee-hee-hee.

You have washed your uniform in too hot water. Right?

- Wrong. - Second try, then.

The regimental tailor has got it in for you?

I do not discuss my sex life with guardsmen.

Oh! She's coming out again with the lolly!

Here you are, Queen! Just a couple of million

to buy a gallon of petrol and some Kellogg's!

She realised she hadn't got enough money.

_"Oil -?

You asking for that raise has caused all these drastic cuts.

I can't help that. You can't expect an admiral

to live on 30 nickers a week.

- What do you need to live on? - A battleship.

You'd have to live on a battleship.

If they want an admiral doing sentry-go

outside here at Buck Pal,

they've got to pay for the prestige.

The Senior Service. You know what it costs?

85p for 20.

Ah, she's coming out again with the lolly!

Mussolini?

That can't be Mussolini.

- He's dead! - Dead?

Well, I hope so. They buried him.

Wait a minute.

It's Philip.

That's who it was, it was Philip disguised as an Eyetie.

He's Greek. He'll do anything to hang onto his drachmas.

Very painful, hanging onto your drachmas.

Ah! Here she comes again.

Hello, Queen.

What's this?

"You have been appearing in yet another sketch

without a pay-off

Wait a minute. No.

This must be the end.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I was prepared for this. I have a sack here...

I am standing next to Mr Dick Trailer.

And er... he is standing next to me.

There has been a drastic reduction

in the staff, and it's me.

And it's er... him.

I earn a modest wage.

£30 a week.

Plus a 50p allowance for each child.

This brings my money up to £600 a week.

You see, Huge, my wife is a devout Roman Catholic.

- And you? - I'm a practising sex maniac.

Practice makes perfect.

They said. But it doesn't.

It makes children.

And I er... suppose you er... practise on her?

Yep. Yeah.

Doesn't her church advocate

the rhythm method for birth control?

Yes. But I put on the wrong record.

I put on er...

Woodchopper's Ball and it got stuck.

I see. And the record?

Er...

The record er... 11 times a night.

I see, then this is a part-time job?

Yes. I am a Securi-pianist.

Mr Wheldon? There's been a reduction in staff.

And it's him.

- I've said that. - How'd it go?

Well, I'll do the action replay.

There has been...

...a reduction in staff.

And it's me.

And now back live to the studio.

Get your lovely pianos here!

Lovely ripe pianos!

- Look here... - Get...

I noticed that most of the pianos in here

are in fact mangles.

Ah, there's a good answer to that.

Yes?

You see, not everybody can play the piano.

Whereas a mangle doesn't take much talent to play.

Let me demonstrate to you.

♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina

- ♪ The truth is... ♪ - This is...

Just a minute! ♪ The truth is... ♪ What?

I admit this is most exciting and interesting

but I noticed in fact no music did come out...

did I hear coming out from that mangle.

You don't get music out of a mangle.

You get laundry out of it.

You get laundry out of it

and I get another line out of it.

Well, I'm afraid I'll have to be leaving now

because I have er... pressing business.

Gonna iron the old crappy trousers?

No, I have an idea for a new book

and I shall call it... Bloody Expensive.

Good, I'm glad he's gone,

because now I get a line.

And here it is.

Get your lovely ripe pianos here!

Never mind. Look...

Ooh! Oh! Oooooh!

Why... Why are you wearing...

Nah! No, no, no, no.

Why are wearing that perv gear?

Cos I've got a kinky dresser

and he won't let me wear any knickers.

So, your answer is blowing in the wind.

- Just a moment. - Just a moment...

- To work! - Right!

I am here to see that all the piano notes

haven't been stolen.

♪ Bong, bong, bong

♪ Bong, bong, bong

♪ Bong, bong, bong

♪ Bong...♪

You're new here, aren't you?

All I want to know is, have you had a medical check?

Yes. £3.10 for a truss.

It keeps them off the ground.

Oh! It's an actor!

- Ha-ha-ha! - And a very bad one.

Hello, my good man!

My dear fellow, I will give you a million pounds...

..if you can guess what my job is.

Yes, you are a forger and a counterfeiter of pound notes.

What a lucky guess! There's your million pounds.

- That won't go very far. - Why not?

I only live next door.

You see...

... like to be on the job early every morning.

Yes, I've heard you playing the Woodchopper's Ball.

Tee-hee-hee!

My disguise has fooled him and he is the store detective.

Actually, I am a piano thief.

Right! Onto the next joke.

I hope you can remember it.

Yes, I've got it written down here.

Right, I'll just read the number of notes...

...you used in the last quarter.

Ah-ha-ha! 6,400 cubic notes.

You have been playing concedes.

No. I've only been playing the piano.

Ah, but there's a standing charge.

I stayed sitting down.

'Ere! What...

What's all... What's all this?

This in fact is my latest book.

It's a load of old crap!

All my books are a lot of old crap.

As you see, the age of steam is not over.

Yes, it is. It's all over me!

Tee-hee-hee!

Now for the other two!

Stop! Piano leg thief!

Cue blast on police whistle!

I haven't got the music.

- There. - Oh, right. Right.

Now give him another blast.

Blast!

Now, then... Ah, look!

He's been trapped by the Bechsteins.

Quick, get his shoes and socks off.

- Why, are you a doctor? - No, a chiropodist.

Anything but a comic.

Right, listen, Keith.

This may sound silly to you.

It sounds ridiculous to us

but it may only sound silly to you.

Are you all right under there?

Yes! Perfectly all right!

And for my first number, I would like to sing the song

that made PJ Proby bankrupt.

Have You Seen My Little Willy This Morning?

Look, help me get him out from under here.

- Right. - Steady.

♪ We'll keep a welcome in the hillsides ♪

Here! This isn't Keith Smith. This is Harry Secombe.

How'd he get under the piano?

What's he doing under the piano?

- Yeah. - Singing Come On Back To Wales.

He'll never get to Wales with a piano on top of him.

- Keep going! - We've gotta get a stretcher.

You can't stretch him any longer than this, you twit!

Listen.

That's the missus.

Good evening.

Here is the late news.

The BBC scene shifters' strike continues.

Shut up!

Striking pickets at British Leyland

have threatened lorry drivers they will put the boot in.

The Leyland chief expressed a wish

that one day they'll learn to put the engines in.

The London Stone Cleaning Company

started work today to remove 28 years

of accumulated marijuana stains off The Rolling Stones.

- Scottish singer... - 'Ey, shut up, will ya?

Will ya shut up? He's got a bloody straight!

Scottish singer Moira Anderson has a bloody str...

Scottish singer Moira Anderson is to marry a doctor.

Asked why, she said she didn't feel well.

And now the, erm, latest news of the Irish Boat People.

They've er...

They've just landed in Vietnam.

Oh, dear.

Oh. Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dearie me.

Er... Good evening.

For those of you who are puzzled by that opening piece of film,

So are we.

French for "yes", "oui" is F...

In the Crown versus Lord Byford and the nude lift boy trial...

What?

"Prosecuting counsel David Napley opened his case today.

In it was a Thermos of cocoa and a cucumber...

Here is a late boxing result.

Joe Louis knocked out Max Schmeling

in the third round.

London, last night rock singer Elton John,

sell-out concert at Wembley Stadium,

which he filled - he left the dressing room tap running.

Good news for British tree lovers.

English elm disease has broken out in Holland.

Kew Gardens' botanical team reported this morning

there was an exceptionally heavy dew on the grass.

He weighed nearly 21 stone.

- Ow! - Right, the...

The police have arrested Lord Frinsby Scott...

You'll remember last year he was court chamberlain.

Well, last night he was caught shop-lifting.

What?

A record flight. A British Concorde

took over two hours to fly to Washington today.

The passengers were furious.

They were told they were going to Kuwait.

The Royal Navy are to reintroduce flogging.

The practice will commence on Monday when they try and flog the Ark Royal,

two mine-sweepers...

And now over to the other part of the studio for some of this.

I think you'll find that'll ease it a bit.

Now, then, you say you haven't eaten anything for a month.

Yes, nurse?

Yes, excuse me. It's my daughter.

Hello, darling. You want Daddy to do doggy noises?

Oh. All right, my dear.

Woof! Woof, woof, woof! Woof, woof!

Here, boy.

Oh... I was just speaking to my daughter.

What is she, a cooker spaniel?

Oh, don't be silly! My daughter a cooker spaniel?

She's a perfectly normal Jack Russell terrier.

They didn't laugh much at that, did they?

Try a different type of doggy, then.

She's a Japanese shih-tzu.

There's a lot of Arabs in tonight.

Say something in Arabic.

My daughter is an oil tanker.

No, they're not... They're... They're not laughing much.

I'd better go and have a talk to them.

Look, madam, erm... er...

you don't know me...

You don't want to?

Well, you must have a sense of humour.

You look like a woman with a sense of humour.

Dressed like that, you must have a sense of humour.

You are woman, aren't you?

- I think so. - Or is that padded?

Tell me... You see, they're not laughing much.

What kind of animal do you like? Do you laugh at worms?

No.

I don't mean if you've got them!

I mean...

Hold a YES/NO card, right?

If you like the joke, hold up YES or NO.

She's Irish, you see. That's the YES, right?

All right, hold it, then, hold it!

- Hold it, hold it, hold it! - All right, then!

- Now, then, I'm a worm. - Hello.

Parcel of mud for you.

Hello? Who's he talking to now?

Can't be his wife because she's no chicken!

Shih-tzu?

No? All right, well, get on with the sketch, then.

They're not laughing.

Good morning, pretend doctor.

Oh, pretend doctor. Ooh, good!

Take a chair.

Right, I'll come back for the tables and cupboards later.

No, no, I mean, what seems to be the trouble?

Oh, you've given her a meal, then, have you?

Er, the trouble?

I'm having trouble getting laughs with this audience,

you see? Erm, otherwise, I'm very fit.

Listen to this.

♪ Three girls up a mountain

♪ Each one looking for a thrill

♪ Look at this little Naughty Sherpa

♪ Look what he's dragging up the hill ♪

Oh! Ah! See?

So I've got good lungs, I'm fit as a fiddle

and no 'airs on the G string.

I see. So you say there's nothing wrong with you at all?

There's nothing wrong with me at all.

It is my considered medical opinion

that there is nothing wrong with you at all.

- Five pounds. - Five?

Well, this only weighs four and half. Look here. It's a clothes peg.

Take one of these. It stops you blowing away.

- Really? - Yeah.

Mu God!

That's not God.

What church do you go to?

This is my wife Rosalita.

Hello, darling.

No. You... You married a gorilla?

We just say that because we don't want the neighbours to talk.

- Oh. - You know how the neighbours talk.

My neighbours talk like this, "Hello dair, how you goin' on, mon?"

- You're living in sin. - Am I living in sin?

No, I'm living in Deptford.

Shih-tzu? No? Right, carry on.

Even... Even so, I mean, living with a gorilla!

No! She's... not a gorilla, you 'nana!

It's just a gorilla skin.

She wears it because she's got an inferiority complex.

- You could've fooled me. - Anyone can fool you.

No, no, she wears it

because she likes to draw attention to herself.

Mind you, it comes very handy when she goes to Tesco's.

She gets served right away,

because they're all shih-tzu scared of her, aren't they?

And the girl on the Jewish piano, she's off! Never charges.

We haven't paid for a grocery bill since she started wearing that.

You're wasting my time!

There's nothing wrong with this man that death wouldn't cure!

Listen, what I wanna talk to you about is...

All right, dear?

What I need is a good, serious illness,

like swelling things and all that, you know?

Except for two weeks in August.

- Why? - I'm going to Majorca for holiday.

"14 days of promiscuity in the sun

in a grotty hotel, on a mattress." Lovely!

"30 quid all found."

If you look, you get it for nothing.

You're not taking her on holiday dressed as a gorilla?

Of course not, you twit!

She gets all beautifully done up as a spotted hyena.

Where do you stay?

Well, I stay at the Hilton. She stays at the zoo.

Look... "what I want to know is...

Overacting at its best.

...why do you want a serious illness?

Well, I'll tell you why. For the last 38 years,

I've been paying health stamps, comes to £2,800.

And I've never had a day's illness so...

- So? - So I want my money back or...

Or what?

I want an illness to the equivalent value,

like bubonic plague or something like that.

Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.

Pretend writing.

I didn't know she was bent.

There's no such illness as "scratch, scratch, pretend writing".

Is there? ls there?

"Remove all clothing..." What?

"Wait for snowstorm,

sleep naked by open grave in Highgate Cemetery"?

- Then what? - Then...

"Double

Double p-peubonia?

Is that bad?

It is the way you pronounced it.

And now a startling change in the whole sketch.

♪ Bum bum bom-bommm I'

The game is up, Dr Crippen.

- Who won? - Er, Scotland 14, England 1.

Own goal.

Now, I must warn you that you are under house arrest!

This is not a house, it's a block of flats.

All right, then, you're under "a block of flats with garage attached" arrest.

I must warn you that anything you say will not get a laugh

because I wrote all the funny lines for myself.

Right, now, then, you heard the Irish knock-knock?

- No. - All right, you go first.

- Knock, knock. - Who's there?

Shih-tzu?

Air on the G String

Let me see. Alas, poor Yorick!

I knew him, Horatio:

a fellow of infinite jest, most excellent variety:

he hath borne me on his back a thousand times;

and I...

Yes, light up a Hamlet today.

♪ Living again

♪ Living each day

♪ Oh, I'm living again

♪ I made a mistake

♪ A head had to break

♪ But I'm living again

♪ I was having the time of my life

♪ Having the time of my life

♪ Fooling around with some poor guy's wife

♪ I couldn't look life in the eye

♪ Couldn't be sure when truth was a lie

♪ I'm dreaming again

♪ Dreaming each night

♪ Oh, I'm dreaming again

♪ Don't wake any more

♪ With each creak in the floor

♪ Oh, I'm dreaming again

♪ Oh, you never remember the pain

♪ Never remember the pain

♪ If you did it again then you'd do the same

♪ But this is what life ought to be

♪ Living again seems like a luxury

♪ I was having the time of my life

♪ Having the time of my life

♪ Fooling around with some poor guy's wife

♪ Everything went to the wall

♪ The higher you climb, the further you're gonna fall ♪

Good evening.

The BBC education department...

Showing you the new technique

of singing under the water.

Our singer, John "Jewish" Bluthal.

- Good evening. - Good evening, John.

John will now enter this sewage water to prove his indifference,

and from it he will sing the Schwarze number.

It is entitled I Looked Over Jordan And What Did I See.

Music.

He's come to Jordan but what can he see?

Somebody is coming for to carry him home.

A band of angels are coming for to see?

Who put the bloody fish in the tank?

We interrupt this programme

in order to bring you an official BBC interruption,

for which we apologise.

That is the end of the apology.

It's all done with mirrors.

Who put piranha fish in the tank?

I know a good solicitor. You wait here.

I'll soon have him back to his normal self.

Are we agreed, then?

This one.

♪ My eyes They took a snap of you

♪ And my heart said

♪ Photograph, please don't laugh

♪ I love you... I'

"Ha-ha-ha."

“I will start this sketch by saying

how happy I am to be a punk rocker.

I will say some rude punk rocker words.

Dirty socks.

Rubber knockers.

Snotty handkerchief and boils."

There.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

- Right... - Right hand down a bit.

Right, yeah.

- Left hand. - Yep.

Right.

- I'll soon have him. - Hurry up.

I've had the chips on for the past four hours.

Oi, you! Here, ssh!

Not as good as the first time.

Don't tell me. You've come to read the gas meter.

Oh, no, no.

I'm waiting till they make the film.

They're gonna make a film of our gas meter.

Ooh, who's got the lead?

The lead? I think it's on your other dog outside.

It's very sensible, a lead on the outside of a dog.

It's very painful to put it on the inside,

when you have to thread it through and er... you know, and er...

See?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I hope you know what we're talking about.

Because nobody here does.

Hold it! Hold it! Keep quiet!

Keep quiet. It's gonna bite! Look.

Look, I've got him! I've... I've...

No.

My Gawd, he's clever that fish!

- You say that fish is clever? - Yeah.

All right, then. Excuse me, fish?

You don't know me.

Here's my card.

Now, then... Is he deaf?

- No. - Here's a joke.

Can a lady with a wooden leg change a pound note?

He doesn't know. He's not clever. He's a twit!

That's when I got the cue.

What a part!

He's come all the way from Australia to do that.

Just who are you?

No, I can do better than that.

Anybody can do better than that.

Whooo are yooou'?

Of course! The Evening Standard Drama Awards!

That's what she's after. I'd better get into that.

♪ Hello, dee-dom-bom-bom I'm Blondin, Blondin

♪ Blondin, Blondin Blondin from the Isle of... ♪

Oi! Oi! Oi!

Blondin is dead.

Oh, so that's why I'm not getting any fan mail.

I don't think you are Blondin. I think you are a cat burglar.

- Why? - Outside there was a van

with six sacks of cats in it, and they've all been drugged.

No, they weren't. They were cat-napping.

Shih-tzu?

No, you see, I...

I use those cats for measuring.

- Measuring? - Yes.

See, I go in a room with them,

then I slide my hand up the moggy's tail, like that.

And...

...then I get them, and I swing them round my head.

And if there's enough room to swing 'em, I put the rent up.

I think that's very cruel, putting the rent up a cat!

- What? - Very cruel, putting the rent up a cat!

No, we don't charge the moggy rent.

How can a pussycat get the 18 quid for putting it up?

- American Express? - That'll do nicely, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen...

They know who they are!

Oh. People who know who you are...

Robert Stigwood...

in conjunction with the Brent Cross Borough Council...

..proudly presents...

Les Blondin...

crossing the Niagara Falls on a rope.

Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Smith...

kills 99% of all known jokes!

And now I will go over here

and read you some Benny Hill funny words.

First word, "knickers"!

Second funny word...

"knockers"!

Shih-tzu?

And now the big one, apt-size brassiere!

That was a let-down.

Now, then, back to the scene, where they should've...

Oh. You've been on holiday, then?

No, we just had a heavy fall of soot in the fireplace.

Thus saving us two expensive weeks in promiscuous Majorca.

Right, now to cross the Niagaras.

- Oi! - Ah, you fool!

- You nearly had me off then! - What's that for, then?

That's for keeping the rain off.

No! No, wrong line. That is for balancing.

I thought it was for keeping the rain off.

That's what I said, you fool. It is for keeping the rain off.

- Well, it's not raining. - I know. It's a non-rain umbrella, you twit!

This fool of a man thinks he's crossing Niagara Falls.

He is in fact crossing the front room

of 27 Shag Grope, Lewisham.

"Shag Grope"? What are you talking about?

Now, then. Oh, yes, look!

What? Only to think, darling!

All those years we've been paying £2.10 a week

to live in Niagara Falls!

Stout Headed Men

♪ ...who will fight for the right they adore... ♪

Stop that noise next door!

There's people in here trying to cross Niagara Falls!

♪ Shoulder to shoulder And bolder and bolder... ♪

Look out! Indians!

Good evening. Here is the nate light news.

Following the traditional disastrous trade figures,

the Chancellor of the Exchequer Sir Geoffrey Howe

appeared on Nationwide with five loaves and three fishes.

He said, "Only a miracle can save us now."

Thank you. Back to me.

The Chief GLC architect

has carried out a remarkable conversion in London.

He talked the chief rabbi into becoming a Catholic.

Mrs Thatcher is to visit all the country's main lunatic asylums.

She wishes to personally thank all those who voted for her.

The reason for the unexpected outbreak

of rust, mould and damp rot on Iberian Airlines has been discovered.

Apparently, the rain in Spain falls mainly on the planes.

John Hanson has been confined to bed with laryngitis.

Thanksgiving services are being held throughout the world.

And now a look at the BBC economy version of Disneyland.

Good evening.

That's the end of that bit.

Police rushed to Oxford Circus today

when traffic came to a sudden stop.

The lights were red.

Sophia Loren has negotiated

a $10,000 billion contract with Columbia Pictures.

Said Miss Loren, “I've got it all sewn up.“

Carlo Ponti is seeking a divorce.

Welsh rugby player with identity crisis...

Gareth Goldstein...

...when asked what food he trained on, he said

"Tea and a few leeks.

That's why the wife puts newspapers down."

Cricket: at six o'clock this evening,

the entire Indian team were all out.

Said the landlady, "They've gone to the pictures."

The Scottish Labour Party

have banned the annual Highland fling championship

owing to a shortage of kilts.

Some were as much as 18 inches too shod.

And revealed a massive swing to the right.

- Be careful, dear. - All right, darling.

It's no good. There just isn't enough room to reverse here.

Hurry up, Garth. Here comes a policeman.

It's all right, Robin. We're not doing anything wrong.

- Abracadabra. - Ohh!

- The other side! - Abracadabra!

What?

- She's a bit cold this morning. - Oh.

20 years the police station have laughed at me

for carrying a blanket.

But I knew it would come in useful.

Abra-bloody-cadabra!

It's come in useful twice this week.

I was ad-libbing.

Meantime, back to the sketch.

"Abraca-bloody-dabra".

Say it.

Abraba-cloody... dabra!

- I'll try it again, Constable. - Try it.

- You'll try anybody. - Abra-bloody-cadabra!

Try it with a choke, dear!

Abracadabra with a choke!

Oh, choking apart, sir...

could I see your driving licence?

Certainly.

Oh.

Here!

This is out of date.

And it's not a driving licence.

That's a combined TV and laundry and dog licence.

Oh, no, it isn't. Now you're being silly. It's a banana.

I know it's a banana, sir.

Not for one moment did it fool me.

No, sir. Do you think that I would eat

a combined TV, laundry and dog licence?

In any case, I didn't ask to see your banana.

I asked to see...

I asked to see your driving licence.

Officer, you do not need a licence to drive a carpet.

Yes, all right. I think he's as... as a newt.

Now, would you blow up that bag?

- Certainly. - Very carefully.

You're under arrest!

- What charge? - As I'm bent, it's 50p an hour.

And two quid for knackering that bag.

Knackered itself once, did you know that?

Do you know that you are trying to drive a carpet?

Officer, this is a flying carpet.

Snigger, snigger, camera two.

Disbelieving snigger. All right, then,

- your pilot's licence. - Certainly.

Ah, yes.

One, two, three, four, five...

This licence seems to be allright, sir.

I've had enough of this sketch. I'm sure you have, too.

You'll have to finish it on your own, then.

Now, are you gonna come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

♪ I play the sweet life... ♪

Remember an old actor who forgot his lines.

Remember an old actor who forgot his lines.

The sketch is over, miss.

Abracadabra!

Aaagh!

Woof, growl, bark, yap, grrr.

Heel, heel! Put it out.

Heel! Heel! Heel!

You swine of a thing.

What's this? What's this lot, then?

The woods are full of them, you know.

Ticket, please.

Ticket, please.

What's he doing?

Ticket, please.

- Oh. - Ticket, please.

"Enecs dworc ymonoce CBB."

"Enecs dwor..

You twit of a man!

You're reading that from behind.

No, I'm not!

I can't read with my behind.

Look, I'm not suggesting that you've got eyes in your bum.

Otherwise, every time you pulled your trousers up, you'd go blind.

All right, pay-off number two, then.

Every time you pulled your long johns up,

you'd be pulling the wool over your eyes.

No? All right, pay-off number three.

Every time you went to the pictures,

you'd have to hang over the seat and pull your trousers down to see.

You'd have difficulty telling the lady in front to take her hat off.

And God knows how you'd eat a choc ice!

Where's he gone?

Roll up, roll up, roll up!

And here's Spike Milligan

trying to get laughs from a dodgy audience.

Roll up, roll up, roll up!

And come and see the real life doggies scoffing grub

as seen on TV dog food commercials.

That's because they starve them for a month before they get there.

Otherwise they wouldn't eat all that rubbish.

How do you expect a doggy to open a tin of doggy food?

Woof, growl, bark, bow-wow, yap, grrr.

- Where's he going? - He usually goes in the gutter.

I mean, where are you taking that mangy Herbert?

Mangy Herbert?

That's a pure-bred Scottish Ireland elephant terrier.

What? There ain't no elephants in Scotland.

Of course they're not. He's killed them all.

- How does he kill them? - How?

- He waits. - Waits?

Well, they've got to die sometime, haven't they?

Woof, growl, bark, yap, grrr.

- Heel! Heel! - He'll what?

He'll keep quiet now.

You see, ever since he scoffed all the elephants,

he's had to change his diet. He's onto venison.

Venison? That's deer, isn't it?

Yeah, about ten quid a tin.

Woof, growl, bark, grrr, yap.

Heel! Heel! Heel, you swine of a thing! Heel!

Here, wait a minute.

Why are you wearing that soppy mask?

I know who you are. Wait a minute.

Who is it, who is it?

Who is it, for God's sake? Tell me who.

You're not all Arabs, are you?

Ah! The Lone Ranger!

A white horse, a flash of light,

a sack of spuds, some dodgy ratings and bingo!

You're out of work, aren't you?

Wait a minute, and where are you hiding

that poor Red Indian wog Tonto?

I hear a restricted tom-tom.

Who had curry for lunch?

Wait a minute, Milligan goes bionic.

Do-do-do-do-do...

The red things that old Steve, twit, Reeves has in in eyes.

Moves at the speed of light ale.

So, the lengths that people do to get a night's lodgings in London!

How much you charging him, Rachman?

- Only a quid a night. - Poor devil!

Oh, this must be his pipe of peace.

No, it isn't. It's a piece of pipe.

I put that joke in for any Red Indian plumbers who might be watching in.

It doesn't sound as if there are any in the audience.

This man looks in a bad way.

That's the only way to get into this show.

He's needing the kiss of halitosis life.

♪ Hello young lovers...

♪ You're under arrest ♪

"Here, what's that twit of an Australian doing in a doggy skin?"

See? Bluthal, you got a mention then.

He came all the way from Australia to go "grrr, bow-wow-wow".

All doggies have skin, you 'nana!

That's what holds them in.

Otherwise they'd be spread all over the carpet, the giblets, the liver, the legs

and all the wedding tackle and all that!

- "Pause." - What?

Wait for the laugh. We're not getting many tonight.

Over to you, you 'nana. Go on, say it.

- "Pause." - Course, the paws as well.

"Gives withering stare."

"I still say he is not a doggy."

He is a doggy!

He is! Rex! Rex!

All Australian dogs are terrible wrecks, you know?

Ready.. bark!

♪ Freude, schoener Goetterfunken

♪ Tochter aus Elysium... ♪

You twit! That's not Bach, that's Beethoven!

You see? His Bach is worse than his Beethoven!

Groans! Groans!

Right, that's enough!

Come on in, 39th sketch, your time is up!

What are we gonna do now?

- Don't do that! - What are we gonna do now?

Don't do that!

What are we gonna do now?

Good evening. It's been another typical day for British sport

We lost.

So over now for the annual criminal sports

at Wormwood Scrubs

and Eddie wearing a rather crappy BBC suit.

Just in time for the 100 metres "chase the burglar" contest.

There they are in their traps now.

There's Judge Valentine Dyall.

And there goes the burglar now! And they're off!

It's Constable Painting out in front with...

We'll come back. It's time for the throwing the ball and chain.

This is Convict Thrill, who is in for feeling bicycle saddles.

Watch this magnificent throw!

And he comes off the back foot and up and out!

Magnificent throw! 60 metres!

Thump! Right in the right spot at the right time!

He's not only broken the record, he's broken a leg.

Now over to the finals of the "belting the convicts nut" contest.

He's using the ordinary lead-filled truncheon.

There's his first strike. No, he has to do better than that.

Now what's he gonna do? Oh, he's doing it again.

He'll have to change tactics. He's only up to 20.

Ah.

Beautiful strike! Now let's see what he's got in mind now.

Oh, that was nice.

The finals of the all-comers freestyle mailbag sewing.

And... they're off!

Look at the way they're powering through those gunny sacks.

There! Yes, it's a win.

It's a win for Constable Blemish and Convict Life Sentence.

They've won for the third year running and the first year sitting down.

The finals of the Hendon College Trainee "spot the criminal" contest.

Viewers might like to join in.

There's a train leaving Paddington at 09:29. There'll be time to catch a train back.

As you can see, he's quite an old young trainee.

And he's wrong. He's wrong. He's got one more try, though.

And he's wrong again.

That's a mistake anyone can make.

Would the real burglar step forward, please?

And the burglar wins!

It shows how a brilliant disguise can deceive.

You need your eyes open in the police or you walk into things.

The start of the "kiss of life" finals.

- They're on their marks. - Get set.

Set.

And they're off!

They try to breathe a little life into this show.

It's in, out. In, out.

Ah, ah, ah!

He'll lose points for groping.

You only have three gropes allowed.

There seems to be some doubt about the winner.

Now, watch this left cross as he brings it up...

Oh.

Bloody fools! They've got the wrong film on!

♪ You don't the half of it

♪ Eleanor

♪ Some day you'll be part of it

♪ Eleanor

♪ There's so much life you've got to live

♪ So much love you have to give

♪ The kind of girl to be with ever more

♪ Eleanor

♪ Sometimes when you smile

♪ You make it all worthwhile

♪ You're all I'm waiting for

♪ Eleanor

♪ Sometimes when you cry

♪ You make me want to die

♪ I love you, Eleanor

♪ You'll find the world a funny place

♪ Eleanor

♪ I wanna see your smiling face

♪ Ever more

♪ And if you need some sympathy

♪ AII you do is think of me

♪ And I'll be there to see you through for sure

♪ Eleanor

♪ Sometimes when you smile

♪ You make it all worthwhile

♪ You're all I'm waiting for

♪ Eleanor

♪ Sometimes when you cry

♪ You make me want to die

♪ I love you, Eleanor ♪

Fed up with people? Then get a Ridderladder.

Jibber-jabber, jibber-jabber, jibber-jabber, jibber-jabber...

It's funny he should say that...

Deutschland Uber alles.

- ♪ Gets rid of people ♪ - Ridderladder.

Gets rid of people - quick.

Getty laughy.

Right, that'll be 50p.

- Ah so. - "Ah so" to you.

See, I am a merry guardsman.

And I'm seeing that no harm comes to

you-know-who and Philip, see that they come to no harm.

But those nice Nip people, thought I was Prince Philip

when everybody knows I'm not.

Cos he charges a quid.

Mind you, there is a certain resemblance between him and me.

I've got the same number of legs

and other things that he's got, you see?

Quick! March!

Halt! Left turn! Stand at ease!

Form fours! Form threes!

Now, then, what are your duties, Guardsman Grollix?

First one's getting all this spit off my face.

- Did you say Grollix? - Grollix.

I am...

I am not Guardsman Grollix.

I am Guardsman Britt Ekland.

Just testing your memory.

I was just testing yours.

Here, wait a minute!

Wait a minute, I know you.

You are Dave Lodge of the Cockleshell Heroes.

Funny you should say that.

I don't think it was funny. It didn't get a laugh.

Mind you, nothing is tonight.

- Now, then. - Yes?

What bit of the film did you like?

I liked the bit where you get mangled up

by the E-boat German propellers.

I didn't get mangled.

You mean... you look like this normally?

Seriously, though, what I'm trying to say to you

is can I have your autograph?

It's not for me.

It's for... you know, up there, you know.

"My husband and I...

don't get on."

Her. Right, sign in there.

"D" - that's straight down with a big, fat belly.

"A" - that's like with the stick across the legs.

"V" - Diana Dors' cleavage, right?

"E" - straight up with a fork sticking out the front. Right.

That will be 50p.

American Express?

That will be do nicely, thank you.

Hold it! Hold it, hold it, hold it!

He is holding it!

You don't think it's stopping up there on its own?

Who's wearing Butch Boy?

It's you, you naughty sergeant!

Oh...

- Hear, hear. - You smell nice.

- What have you got on? - Clean socks.

And of course, just a touch of the Brut.

Oh!

All right! All right! All right!

Stop shouting!

Otherwise I'll never dance with you again.

Right, start from where you left off.

I wish he'd leave off.

Give him half a chance, he'd leave everything off.

Hello! There's promotion for you.

Thinks.

" wonder what the folks back home are doing."

♪ There's No Place Like Home

Oh, I was just thinking of you.

Oh, they've gone.

So have I. So that's why I'm back live in the studio.

To think all these years I thought they were geriatrics.

And all the time they were balancing tricks.

Tee-hee, ha-ha-ha. Someone's gotta laugh at them.

Anyhow, meantime... Greenwich Mean Time...

back at the sketch.

I haven't knocked yet, you twit! What's the matter with you?

♪ Young man I like the street life

♪ I like the street life... ♪

Halt! Who goes there?

We all do.

- What are you doing in there? - I'm not doing it in there.

I'm doing it out here.

Well, what are you doing in there... out here?

- I'm squatting. - No, you're not.

You're standing up.

Unless you're a funny shape.

Wait a minute. Are you male or female?

All the evidence points to male.

The dirty little devil goes pointing to his main evidence!

Now, then, you get out of here!

Or I'll get Philip to get the corgis!

Has Philip got the corgis?

Oh, yes, all up the inside of his legs.

Terrible. Everywhere. He got it off a dirty saddle.

Polo?

No, thanks, I've just had a jelly baby.

Hello! I see they've brought back hanging.

- Have you finished? - Yeah.

Right, next set-up, please.

What's this say?

"Milkman, end of the sketch." I'm not a milkman.

I'm a guardsman who forgets his lines.

Here is the Reverend Franklin with a few calming words.

Librium, Valium, Mogadon.

And er... And as a funny pay-off...

Ah... Ah...

Ah-choo!

♪ Ohhhh ♪

♪ And now the end is near... ♪

♪ And I must face ♪

♪ The final... ♪

And finally... And finally, here's the late night news.

At the Albert Hall last night,

boxer Muhammad Ali split the front of his shorts.

The promoter explained it was an exhibition bout.

The wife of Oliver Reed,

the actor, floor-sander and glutton,

has been forced to leave him, owing to illness.

She's sick of him.

Here's the story of an oil sheik.

The man who drank it, died.

Just like that joke.

Diana Dors has taken out a large endowment policy on her husband.

Asked why, she said,

" like all my men to be well endowed."

And now...

And now...

And now... now the news headlines again for the hard of hearing.

At the Albert Hall tonight!

Muhammad Ali split the front of his shorts!

The promotor explained it was an exhibition bout!

The wife of Oliver Reed...

the actor, floor-sander and glutton,

has been forced to leave him,

owing to illness!

Piano Concerto

Aargh!

Good evening.

Sorry, I'll read that again.

Good evening. I told you I'd read it again.

A Japanese World War Two pilot who crashed in Borneo

has been found alive and well.

Asked how he survived, he said

he was sustained by friendly natives.

He ate them.

A man given a week to live

has won £2 million on the pools.

Asked how he would spend it, he said, "As quickly as possible."

The Pope is 79 today. Asked how he would spend it, he said,

"As quickly as possible."

I know!

Finally... ..a valuable talking parrot

has escaped from the Archbishop of Canterbury's palace in Lambeth.

It answers to the name of "Come here, you little bastard".

Look here! You can't do this sort of thing!

Clear off and let us blokes get on with it, mate.

Cut to picture of Spike dressed as Hitler

wearing German admiral's uniform,

standing on what appears to be the bridge of Bismarck,

or some other herring.

Behind are three actors dressed identically.

These additional Hitlers are all looking puzzled.

They have been cloned. Bring on the clones.

They have no idea what they're doing on the bridge

of a herring called Bismarck, and neither have we.

That is why we're getting out of this sketch as soon as possible.

Yes, quite obviously, Hitler doesn't know

the sketch is over and is going for laughs.

There goes one now.

Watch out, Poland. You're next!

Here is an announcement for a Mr Al Capone.

Your sketch has ended and there is a cheque in the post.

Another sketch will follow almost immediately.

Meanwhile, here is a test card.

Right, now we have this beautiful, brand-new,

second-hand Japanese television set.

What am I bid?

Five pounds!

Any advance on five pounds?

Six!

Six once, six twice...

Ten!

♪ Theme from The Way To The Stars

I suppose a Donald is out of the question?

Waiter?

Waiter?

Waiter?

♪ Verily I heard you call

♪ I warneth thou that the fish is off ♪

I am Lord Hughmay De Nightoulon.

And I booked a table for two.

♪ Then you'll have to stand ♪

- Why? - You didn't book any chairs.

Well, I'm not standing for that.

You don't stand for chairs, you sit on them.

- What is the chef's specialty? - The chef's specialty is...

wearing ladies' underwear.

What do you fancy, Mrs Grollix?

- The doorman. - I'm sorry, the doorman's off.

But we have a nice, well-done little lift boy.

- Now, any special wine? - Yes.

- Yes, what? - Yes, any special wine.

Waits for laugh. Gets nothing.

Would you like a vintage?

No, just a bottle.

If you like a bottle, I know what you'd like.

- My sister. - Is she on the menu?

No, she's upstairs on the bed.

- What year is she? - Very good year.

21. Very good for laying down.

I thought 67 was a very good year.

Ah, then you want my mother-in-law.

- Is she on the menu? - No, she's on the Embankment.

Arrrrgh! Jim lad!

Arrrrgh! Jim lad!

I'm sorry.

I keeping getting these sudden attacks of "Arrrrgh, Jim ad!"

Ever since I had lunch with Sir Bernard Kilometres.

You mean Miles?

No, Kilometres. He's been metricated.

Arrrrrgh, Jim lad!

Arrrrrgh, Jim lad!

- Look, Spike. - Yes.

Where is this sketch leading us?

Finchley Labour Exchange.

I mean, what do you think of my sketches?

- Well, I like them long. - Then you'll love the lift boy.

Arrrrgh, Jim lad!

Arrrrgh, Jim lad.

He's late today.

- Why did he do that? - He's Jewish.

He can't stand Arab sheiks.

Or, for that matter, milkshakes.

Arrrrgh, Jim lad!

- It's catching. - Arrrrgh, Jim lad!

Arrrrgh, Jim lad!

Arrrrgh, Jim lad!

Arrrrgh, Jim lad! Arrrrgh, Jim lad!

Ladies and gentlemen,

owing to an outbreak of "Arrrrgh, Jim lad!"

And attacks by Jewish waiters on a couple of Arabs,

plus snow on high ground, this sketch has come to an end.

Arrrrgh, emu lad!

Arrrrgh, emu!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stop! No, stop!

- The sketch is over. - Oh.

- I thought it was very good. - I thought it was rather splendid...

♪ I couldn't wait to tell you

♪ A letter would take too long

♪ I even planned to send a telegram

♪ But it's better just to sing a song

♪ I couldn't wait to tell you

♪ I had to run all the way

♪ I caught you in, now let me catch my wind

♪ Cos I only want a chance to say

♪ That I love you like a man loves a woman

♪ I love you like a mountain loves sky

♪ You belong inside a great love song

♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die

♪ I love you like a man loves a woman

♪ I love you like a mountain loves sky

♪ Ah, you belong inside a great love song

♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die-ie-ie-ie

♪ You belong inside a great love song

♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die

♪ Maybe you think I'm crazy

♪ For waking you up this way

♪ But now you're up just have another cup

♪ Cos there's something that I want to say

♪ I couldn't wait to tell you

♪ I wish I knew how to fly

♪ I'd tell it not to rain I'd buy an aeroplane

♪ And I'd ride it clear across the sky

♪ And I love you like a man loves a woman

♪ I love you like a mountain loves sky

♪ You belong inside a great love song

♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die

♪ I love you like a man loves a woman

♪ I love you like a mountain loves sky

♪ Ah, you belong inside a great love song

♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die-ie-ie-ie

♪ You belong inside a great love song

♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die ♪

Erm, I don't need the money.

But... ..Ed writes all these tunes,

and he's written this tune.

There's an LP which has come out,

and it's not very well publicised.

So, for his sake, I'll tell you, it's called Q8, Fun Songs, and it's a very good record.

As I say, he needs the money, I don't.

Ah.

♪ If you want to know the time ask a policeman ♪

Ah.

'Elo, 'elo. Somebody's nicked my watch.

This is PC-102 reporting.

This is my position.

I am skint.

♪ Theme from The Onedin Line

On the marks. On the marks, here.

- Didn't get much, did it? - No.

Right. Ah! Number Ten Downing Street.

Seat of our Prime Monster.

As envisaged by the Labour Party.

I have to say that to cover up this crummy, grotty, economal BBC set.

Hey. Evening dress.

Evening, all.

"Ha-ha-ha. I am a merry lollipop man.

I stop children."

Here, don't you wish you could've given me that part?

Ladies and gentlemen, this is no way to entertain

a vast television audience of over 12 people.

Fortunately, I feel a song coming on.

♪ Ahhhh... ♪

"Here! Pray, where do you feel it?"

Well, last night...

...I was feeling it round the back of the jam factory.

- £4.50. - "What's that for?"

Money for jam.

- Do not adjust your... - "You'll never..."

Do not adjust your sets! Right, now the line.

"You'll never hit it with those barrels pointed upwards."

I was not pointing to kill.

I was pointing to live.

Anyway, it's cruel to shoot moggies up the bum.

But it's fun.

Does overacting.

Zee cheque...

Zee cheque is in Zee post.

Ah. Bon jury, manure.

I have reason to believe that you are direct descendent

of Napoleon Bones-apart

- Oui, oui. - Well, hurry up.

Right, we have come to apologise.

You don't have to apologise for my "oui-oui".

No, we were not going to apologise for your "yes-yes".

That's cleaned the joke up.

And killed it stone dead in the process.

No, we have come here about your battle of...

Of Waterloo.

My "water-loo"?

Ah! Zee plumber!

You have come about my ballcock.

- No, cock. - Oh.

You see, I am a distant relative of the Duke of Wellington.

- Distant? - Yes, I live in Australia.

And the way that joke went, I wish I was there now.

- So fancy you! - He fancies me, does he?

Beware, sinful Spike...

- Right, now... - Beware, sinful Spike Millington,

this "continued..." house

is in the clutches of the permissive society."

No, it isn't. It's in the clutches of the building society.

- Are you with him? - No, I'm with the Woolwich.

And that awful girl on the television that goes: "Good morning!"

Now, I've come on behalf of the British Empire...

"Good morning!"

...on the behalf of the British Empire

to apologise for what we done to you at Waterloo.

At...

All right, thanks for the prompt.

It's 1812!

No, it isn't. It's 09:40.

I cannot remember zee battle. 'Ow did it go?

It went like this.

Bang.

Bang, bang.

Those were the English bullets.

Le bang. Haw-haw-haw, le bang!

Er, what is that?

They were the French firing back.

"If they had fired forwards, they would've won."

Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Clare,

the only man who needs a guide dog to put on his underpants.

"Whinny, whinny, clippity-clop.

Straaaain, splat."

What is that?

That's a frightened French horse dropping his bit.

"Clash, poke, thrust, scream."

That's a cavalry charge.

"£4.10."

That's the surcharge.

"Pardon me. Does this bus go to Catford?"

Mrs Ada Grollix.

What was she doing at Waterloo?

- Catching the bus to Catford. - Oh!

Mrs Thatcher! Mrs Thatcher! Mrs Thatcher!

I've come to tell you that this sketch is dying a death!

Oh, no!

Now the bad news; it's raining Arabs.

I'll have to put this down in my book.

Bad news! Bad news! The country is rudderless!

Mrs Thatcher has been swallowed by a python!

Hello? Mrs Thatcher? Hello? Can you hear me?

Can you carry on governing the country from inside there?

Come in, sketch number 29.

What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

Come along, my pretty ones, off we go!

Woof, woof! Woof!

Woof! Come along, now!

- I say, I say, I say! - What do you say?

- My dog has no nose. - How does he smell?

Terrible.

- I say, I say, I say! - What do you say?

- My dog has no nose. - How does he smell?

Terrible.

- I say, I say, I say! - What do you say?

- My dog has no nose. - How does he smell?

- Terrible. - What are we doing?

Running gags. I say, I say, I say!

- Where does Hitler hide his armies? - I don't know...

Hello, camera three.

Friend of the ugly.

My name is...

It'll come to me in a minute.

It'll come to me in a minute!

Lucille Crapologies!

It's come to me in less than a minute.

My name is Lucille Crapology. In 15 seconds.

And I am in The Radio Times!

Here I am.

"Also appearing, Blob Todd"?

Oh, they have not mentioned me.

But I assure you, I am the manger

of this exclusive Bond Street cigar ship.

I hear a recording of a customer approaches.

And goes right past.

Hah-arrrgh!

Alan lad! Alan lad!

Pieces of eight!

With inflation, pieces of ten!

Good heavens! It's Long John Silver!

Played by Short John Bluthal.

Ahoy out there!

And ahoy in here.

This is...

This is one of my sea legs.

Now you see it.

Now you don't!

Waits for laughs. Doesn't get much.

So curses audience and says "Bum!" to audience!

All except The Goon Show Preservation Society!

Like a good trouper, comes through smiling.

Right. Where am I?

♪ Riding along on the crest of a wave... ♪

♪ We're riding along on the crest of a wave

♪ And the sun is in the sky ♪

Ahoy!

Don't tell me!

It's Arnold Palmer!

No! No. Nelson.

Nelson Palmer!

No, you nit!

No. Nelson.

- Is it a riddle? - Nothing falling out.

No. I'm not Nelson Riddle!

I'll give you some mime.

Oh! Kiss me, Hardy. Kiss me...

No, you twit!

Ooh... No! Oh, no!

I am Nelson!

Ah! And him?

Half Nelson.

All right, you got the laugh. Here's your money.

Peanuts!

That's what we get paid round here.

Off you go.

Give my love to the little woman.

Now!

♪ Oh, I'm riding along on the crest of a... ♪

Camera three. Right. Right.

Now, we want to see"

We want to see a pair of shoes.

Certainly, sir!

- What size? - Eight and a half.

23 and a quarter.

Who's the eight and a half?

Me. That fooled you, didn't it?

Didn't get a laugh but it fooled you.

- Mr Nelson. - Yes?

You want one size eight and a half

and one size 23 and a quarter.

Yes.

That means I will have to break up two pairs!

Right!

Whack it. Right.

He doesn't understand.

Nelson!

f ...give you...

one pair eight and a half

and one pair 25 and a quarter,

do you realise what that will leave me with?

An identical pair.

Right, and now the trick I wanna...

♪ I'm riding along on the crest of a wave

♪ And the sun is in the sky ♪

Now, that parrot.

Come on, Lady Dartmouth! Watch this, parrot.

Keep still, parrot. Keep still.

Keep still, Polly. Now, then.

Now, come on, Lady Dartmouth. Allez... Now!

Sorry, the er... the sketch is over.

I came to arrest you for killing a cockatoo.

I didn't kill two, I only killed one.

Ladies and gentlemen, owing to the death of that parrot

and that ghastly silence,

it is now a deadly day of mourning.

Oh!

Who's a pretty Polly, then?

Oh!

Who's a pretty Polly, then?

Oh!

Who's a pretty Polly, then? Oh...

A Mr Jonathan King, a tree surgeon,

was injured today when he fell out of a patient.

He was rushed to Kew Gardens.

Asked if he was under observation,

a spokesman said, "No, he's under a tree."

This Jonathan King is no relation to the other Jonathan King,

who wasn't mentioned earlier on.

At Bow Street last night, police charged a drunken football supporter.

The impact knocked him over.

The BBC programme award for outstanding features

was won by Esther Rantzen's teeth.

In an attempt to sell British cars overseas,

the Minister of Transport drove to the Japanese Embassy

in a Rolls-Royce.

After four hours of successful talks, he came back in a Honda.

In a remarkable operation,

surgeons have sewn a severed leg onto a 67-year-old woman.

She is suing them because she already had two.

Barbara Cartland is 48 today for the sixth time.

Asked how she retained her youth,

she said she kept him locked in the bedroom.

And that is the end of the news.

Aaargh!

Ready?

Take aim.

Fire.

Good evening. Here's the news.

The Queen's official Rolls Royce has been missing.

Prince Philip says he thinks it's the plugs.

Rome. Rome. 280,000 people assembled in Saint Peter's Square

to see the Pope appear on the balcony.

The Pope, for his part, appeared on the balcony

and saw 280,000 people appear in Saint Peter's Square.

News again of the great train robber Ronald Biggs.

He's opened a little tobacconist's in Rio de Janeiro. He used a crowbar.

After the defeat of John McEnroe in the hard court tennis championships,

his trainer explains his protege had been training on grass.

He'd been smoking about eight ounces a day.

Tennis. English tennis.

After the sad demise of the English tennis players at Wimbledon,

Mrs Thatcher mounted a rescue operation and rode it away.

But the whole idea is to put English tennis back where it belongs.

On the football pitch. Seriously, though, folks.

Fred Perry has introduced a new formidable technique

which will guarantee English players will win. Hallelujah!

30-love.

40-love.

Game.

Game to Tracy Austin.

Game to King George V.

Love-40.

Game to Mrs Birch and Wade.

30-love.

40-love.

Game to Owen Faulkner.

30-love.

40-love.

Game to erm... him.

30-love.

40-love.

Game to Sadist and Monster.

Cox to serve. Quiet, please.

Game, set and penal servitude to Mark Cox.

"Now under threat of death..."

"..libel and the sulks, here is a John Antrobus sketch."

Stop that clicking! Stop that clicking.

You'll all go blind.

Listen. You are all extraordinary insects that have come here to be auditioned

for David Attenborough, aren't you?

Right. Well, I'm sorry, David is not with us now.

David is away, having his legs shaved for the next series.

The next series is a sequel to Life On Earth called Hell On Earth.

Subtitle: Trapped For 24 Hours In A Lift With Ian Paisley.

Now, then. Stop that clicking!

Stop that clicking. Now, then.

- What are you? - I'm a dung beetle.

Of course. You roll your own, don't you?

- Here are my cuttings. - Ah, press cuttings, I see.

"Played the clapper in the bells." How did that go?

Dung. Dung.

Hey, hey. Sarge? I was told that David Attenborough was looking

- for a rare type of Australian grub. - So?

So anyway, I got him some oysters Kilpatrick.

They killed Patrick, did they? They certainly killed that gag.

Stop that clicking! Stop it, you.

You horrible-looking thing, you.

You look like you crawled out from under a stone.

What's your name? Bianca Jagger?

No. I am a stag beetle.

I see. You've just come from a party, have you?

Who said insects haven't got any sense of humour?

Didn't I see you in the X film?

Yes, that's why I'm an ex-actor.

You see, I was appearing in The Ten Commandments.

Mine was, "Thou shalt not bite Moses up the bum."

I mean, which commandment was it?

Oh, that was number 11. It never went on public release.

What I was doing, really, me...

Me and the other soldier ants were all crawling up Charlton Heston's legs

and were told to eat everything in our path.

So...

...when we were just getting up to the interesting bits,

he'd say, "Stop. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours' goods!"

I say, I remember that picture.

Charlton Heston was making love to er... who's the Sheila with the big boobs?

The one in this country who makes the biggest boobs is Mrs Thatcher.

- No, no, it was Raquel Welch. - Raquel Welch?

Charlton Heston, while he's making love to her, all yous were crawling up his leg.

Yes. By the time we finished, he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Stop that clicking! Stop that clicking.

Stop clicking. That was the scene where they painted Yul Brynner's nut with treacle.

And he had to pretend to be a toffee apple and he ate him.

Oh. Yes, yes. I didn't really eat him, that was only pretend eating.

Confidentially, I'll tell you, though, I...

...I actually ate... I ate the late Adolf Hitler.

- Oh, late, was he? - The trains had been bombed, you see?

Hey, is that what you did, Sergeant? You actually ate the old Adolf Hitler?

Yeah. Nothing like a nice bit of sauerkraut.

Silence! See, what happened was this.

He escaped...

He escaped to South America and we found him shagged out in the jungle.

Is it true you neutralised him by squirting formic acid out of your posterior?

Yes. And it don't half burn your bum in the morning.

That's ten quid you owe me. Now, I don't think we can top that gag.

Let's all click off, shall we?

Due to a strike at the meteorology office,

there will be no English weather report this evening.

So over to Telefis Eireann for the Irish weather report

Hello, there.

And that's the end of the weather.

That was Professor Conor Cruise O'Brien,

Ireland's leading meteorologist.

Now you know why they have such bloody awful weather in Ireland.

Ed Welch has written a tune and I've written the words.

And this young lady is gonna sing it. It's her first appearance on television.

Her name is Anna Raven. And mine isn't.

♪ Timeless time and endless days

♪ The world around us standing still

♪ Like photographs of deserted shafts

♪ Or the statues left on distant hills

♪ To ghostly strands in giant hands

♪ We would walk together, you and I

♪ And the only word from the mockingbird

♪ Was love

♪ On the words that Jesus said

♪ We drank the wine, we broke the bread

♪ And as we did, how it raised the lid

♪ On a summer place that went on forever

♪ Butterflies flew into our eyes

♪ And they left the colours in our hair

♪ While our happiness came falling from a star

♪ The sheer delight of endless light

♪ That used to be a barren tree

♪ Was growing flowers overnight

♪ And setting them with ecstasy

♪ A cup of coffee from your hand a gift of gold from Samarkand

♪ And did this really happen?

♪ Did it happen? Did it happen?

♪ Or was it fantasy?

♪ Swallows came, then they flew away

♪ As the early mist of autumn leaves

♪ Was settling slow on the afterglow of a lasting love

♪ That could not die

♪ When suddenly on a tide-less sea

♪ How the glass that held us both together

♪ Shattered and the whole damn thing went wrong

♪ 1,000 nights, 1,000 days

♪ Are bitter pills time can't erase

♪ The child we grew within us two

♪ Will never know our golden days

♪ He'll never walk or laugh and run

♪ Into a field, a setting sun

♪ And did this really happen?

♪ Did it happen? Did it happen?

♪ Or was it fantasy?

♪ It's just a fantasy

♪ Not love ♪

"Royal Windsor One Off Health Centre. Lose weight and money.

American Express, Access, Visa, Green Shield Stamps, Luncheon Vouchers,

articles of clothing and furniture.

All welcome.

Prop "hm" the Queen and Adolf Hitler."

That must be the plot.

♪ Greensleeves

Good evening and er... stop that ridiculous music.

I am what the BBC make-up department

fondly believe to be Huw Wheldon OBE and pan stick.

I am standing outside...

"Outside Windsor Castle, waiting for a peerage

or an idea for a new book.

I'm not quite sure of either title

but the book will be in the neighbourhood of £28.

So I'm glad I don't live in that neighbourhood.

So up Windsor.

Excuse me, Your Majesty.

Excuse me. Your Majesty.

I am not Your Majesty.

That's her, playing the Jewish piano.

Will you... Will you explain to us this new innovation?

Ah, well, you see, inflation is hitting the Royal Family pretty hard.

So Philip and his Greek cousin, ein taxi driver in Eating, he's going into oil.

- Why? - He's rusty.

So what they are doing, they are talking to Her Maj. Hello, Maj.

Talking about turning Windsor Castle into ein health camp

so that all these overweight creeps can come here

and lose weight patriotically for the Queen.

Schnell! Schnell!

Here, guards.

Schnell! Schnell!

Get out! Get out!

Another BBC cutback.

Ah! Here comes a crowd of people now.

We have ways and means of making you lose weight here.

We chop your legs off.

See? This overweight creep has only been here one minute

and she's lost £30 already!

- Say, "Thank you, Your Majesty." - Thank you, Your Majesty. Thank you!

Over here, little darling.

Schnell, schnell, schnell!

I'm schnelling her what to do.

Up on the "talk your weight" machine.

Get her off!

See? It's working already. You're getting off of the weight machine.

The German joke was the English silence but I will come again!

Now to get some more weight off that big, fat bum of yours.

Don't stop me now! I might win the Evening Standard drama award!

- What? - Tell me this. Is this treatment expensive?

No, just painful. Have a free sample.

- Thank you. Thank you. - Now, then. You BBC creep.

I see. Been to some more literary luncheons, have you?

- You see, I... - Don't talk yet. I will say the funny line.

There we are. Now, then. Now, then, I know the line.

I know the line. Playing for time cos we're under time, you see?

Now, then. What's the matter with you, you BBC creep?

I thought it would never come. I've got acute appendicitis.

Hear that? He's got appendicitis and he thinks it's cute!

Tell me, where is all this money going to?

All this money goes to the Duke of Edinburgh Bald Wig Fund.

I didn't know that the Prince was balding fast.

Oh, yes. It's coming out in handfuls.

Especially when he comes home late at night,

she says, "Where have you been? To that bloody bunny club again?"

I had no idea that the Prince was interested in rabbits.

Rabbits? Hairs! Hairs!

Pam, pam, pam! Pam Hairs!

See? Now, groans? Light groan?

You see? That is how you're late for your groan.

That is how he looks now.

But comes three more barnies with his missus and...

"the bald!

He can't go to parties like that, with a head like a bare bum.

- Yes. - No. He must wear the wig.

I see. And what kind of a wig is that?

Bloody awful!

Ein other wig here... for playing polo.

The wig with a hole in.

- So there you have it... - Yes. And there you have it.

And again. Say the lines, you creep.

So there you have it. A bald future staring him in the head or... Wait for it.

Wait for it. Say them, say them!

Will the Tories turn into Whigs again?

Good evening. Now we have the wonderful mystique and conjuror from Ireland,

Thomas O'Toole, who flew in from Lewisham this afternoon.

Ladies and gentlemen, my guest for tonight is Miss Anne Shelton.

Now the answer to this trick is in this envelope.

Right? Hold that. Do not open it.

Now, then. Pick a card.

Don't let me see it. Tell me what it is.

- The three of clubs. - Open the envelope.

What does it say?

"Correct."

Now, then. For my second trick...

Oh-oh-oh. Oh...

- Ooh. - Ooh.

Here. That's Dave Lodge, the Cockleshell Hero.

And that is the end of my part.

So, take this down.

Right? "Chelsea 2 Albion Rovers 69."

- Oh, blast! - Is that with a B?

According to rehearsal script...

...Spike Milligan should come through that doorway,

dressed as a working-class illness.

He'll be wearing a cap, a grotty raincoat,

1943 trousers, and carpet plimsolls.

Wrong.

I'm sorry about this, Bob. I went in the wrong dressing room.

They're doing Lady Hamilton in the next studio.

- Who is? - All of them.

So we'll have to pretend that I'm working-class

- with working-class plimsolls on, all right? - Right. Name?

- Pardon? - Name.

- Lord Horatio Nelson. - You're supposed to be Bert Trousers,

apprentice gas fitter.

Ladies and gentlemen, do I look like Bert Trousers, apprentice gas fitter?

- Yes! - Just a minute. Look at this.

Look. Look. "Brighton 3 Hove 2."

We don't say "Hove, two," we say, "Heave to".

All right, then. Brighton 3 Heave 2. Now, Lord Nelson. What is your job?

I'm an apprentice gas fitter.

Right, Lord Nelson, apprentice gas fitter. What's your trouble?

It's a disability of a marital and non-bionic nature.

- Would you care to amplify that? - Amplify, yes.

It's a disability of a marital and non-bionic nature.

Ohhhh!

- Look. - What?

What? I'll do it again, then.

If we're doing everything else again, might as well do this again.

Ohhhh!

- Yes, but what is it? - What do you mean, what is it?

It's oh. You're the doctor, you diagnose it, as you're dressed up like this, you twit.

- Right. Oh.

- Not ah. Oh!

- Right. Ah, here we are. - The 15th letter of the alphabet."

I'm sorry to tell you that you're suffering from the 15th letter of the alphabet.

Is it fatal?

My Lord, the French fleet are drawing nigh and are starting to bombard us.

Shall we return fire?

Yes. Also return the Hoover and the vacuum cleaner...

- ...while we're at it. - Did you hear that, nurse?

- They've been at it. - All right, then. Run up a signal.

England expects every man to do as little work as possible

for as much lolly as possible.

Listen. You two lunatics cannot come into a Harley Street office,

a doctor's surgery and expect...

Get out! Get out!

Get out!

Through the keyhole, I suppose?

Wait a minute! Ah, so, hello. Abracadabra!

I've got back protection.

All right, Dave. Cockleshell Heroes. Sound effects!

Wheee... puff!

Wheee... puff!

A big hand for Dave Lodge, the whistling puff!

45 seconds until the end of the show! We haven't a minute to waste!

- Open fire! - Bang, bang, bang!

Bang! Bang! Bang!

Aaggh! Aaagh!

Stop. Stop in French! Je surrender!

You have sunk my fleet, you have soaked my clothes.

So therefore, you win the battle. Also, you win a coconut and a teddy bear,

made from the hairs of David Attenborough's legs.

At last, a happy ending, folks! You can join in by applauding us.

Good.. evening.

Irish portrait painter Seamus Looney has been commissioned to paint Prince Philip.

However, after one undercoat of white emulsion,

The Queen said, "I can't go out with him looking like that."

The death is announced of ldi Amin.

Doctors have described his condition as satisfactory.

Japan.

Today Honda launched a new car.

It sank.

A rumour that Prince Charles is to marry a Nigerian princess has been squashed.

They pushed her under a steamroller.

And that is the end of... Oh, hello, hello! Ting-a-ling. Yes, right.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last show, the last minutes of the show.

Right.

Now. Right. In three.

What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?