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♪ Land of hope and glory ♪
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Good luck, sir, good luck!
3
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Good luck in Jewish!
4
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♪ Mother of the free ♪
5
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♪ Lord made thee mighty ♪
6
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It was a very hard day today.
7
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♪ Made... ♪
8
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Coming!
9
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:53,558
♪ I can beat you at dominoes ♪
10
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Wanted! Money!
11
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No reasonable offer refused.
12
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,153
I know you. You're...
13
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,239
You're Dave Lodge. Late of er...
14
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:07,240
Cockleshell Heroes.
15
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:08,616
And according
to your credentials,
16
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:11,758
the accenfs on the...
Oh, now, on the shells.
17
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:15,470
I have just got a job
as a policeman.
18
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:20,680
- Letter for you, bwana.
- This must mean blackmail!
19
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Oh, Lord y!
20
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,031
Wait a minute.
Here comes one now.
21
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:26,997
♪ Oi'll be... ♪
- American Express?
22
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,390
That'll do nicely, thank you!
23
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:30,879
That's Sheik The Drips Off.
24
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,839
He's on his way to have
his plimsolls blacked up
25
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,754
by "Jewish" John Bluthal,
the bionic boot-black boy.
26
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:44,079
It's a letter.
It's from the BBC.
27
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:47,312
They want us to do
another series - Q9.
28
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,313
There comes a camera now.
29
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,075
Good...
30
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,514
Good evening.
31
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,432
And here is an oil painting of it.
32
00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,198
It's something or other o'clock,
33
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:33,669
and here is
the Ten O'clock News.
34
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,717
Parliament was
reassembled today.
35
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,359
The Liberals put up the walls,
36
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:39,351
the Labour Party
put up the ceiling.
37
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,152
And the Conservatives
put up the prices.
38
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,596
A new organisation are offering
distressed people help.
39
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,432
The Punk Samaritans.
40
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,080
Should you feel suicidal,
just phone them
41
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:53,037
and they'll tell you
how to do it.
42
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:57,995
In the High Court today,
43
00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,037
a judge fell off
and killed himself.
44
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:05,989
The case concerned a masochist
who couldn't stand pain.
45
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,277
He forced his wife to tie him
to the gas stove with his braces
46
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,000
and thrash him with
strawberry Miracle Whip.
47
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:15,118
He asked for
three other flavours
48
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,555
to be taken into consid...
49
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:21,833
Two lrishmen kidnapped the son
50
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:25,390
of millionaire newsreader
Richard Baker.
51
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:29,599
They... They have demanded
a ransom of over £18.
52
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,197
PIus... 50p for the bus fare.
53
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:38,994
They say if it's not forthcoming
within a month,
54
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:40,718
they're gonna kill themselves.
55
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:44,315
A rare golden eagle
was stolen from the zoo.
56
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,994
It's estimated to be worth
£10,000.
57
00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:48,878
What's worrying
the Inland Revenue is
58
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,031
how the bird managed
to save so much money.
59
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,192
Mr Callaghan is 67.
60
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,678
I am a thing of beauty.
61
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:19,513
I am a thing of beauty.
62
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Turn round.
No, that way.
63
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:25,319
That's right, get up.
64
00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,593
Right, run the film!
65
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:57,759
In English!
66
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:05,639
In German, German!
67
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Still in English! Click.
68
00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,434
Verclicken. Still in German.
69
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,274
In Cockney.
70
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,671
In season!
71
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,797
40-love.
72
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,029
Quiet, please.
73
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:38,469
- Shut up!
- ♪ Land of hope and glory
74
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,074
♪ Mother of the... ♪
75
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,115
You filthy swine!
76
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:50,034
- We surrender.
- Ah! We surrendered first!
77
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,157
Not so fast, Fritz.
78
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:58,430
All right.
We... sur... ren... dered... first.
79
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,354
He must be Irish.
80
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,558
40-15. Quiet, please.
81
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:05,960
Shut up! Now, listen!
82
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,917
We put our white flag out first!
83
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,958
Oh, no, you didn't!
84
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,600
Oh, yes, we did!
85
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,034
Nein, nein, nein.
86
00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:20,154
You bloody fool!
Now look what you've done!
87
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,516
We interrupt this programme
to tell you
88
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:25,114
that this is an official
BBC interruption.
89
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:27,589
And now we interrupt
this programme to tell you
90
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,354
that the interruption to
the interruption is over.
91
00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:31,589
Good night.
92
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:02,593
Sorry, I didn't hear.
93
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,479
None of the knockers
in this street are working.
94
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:10,993
- I am General Haig.
- Yes?
95
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,435
That's the wrong way
to spell "Haig".
96
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,556
I must see your credentials.
97
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,153
Stand on this mirror.
98
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,317
His poor wife!
99
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:31,959
You are not General Haig!
100
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,270
You are... Red Rum!
101
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,514
Look at those saddle burns!
102
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:43,079
Don't look, my dear!
103
00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,357
He's going past the post.
104
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:47,794
- Now, listen!
- Yes?
105
00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,474
Toss me for who
surrendered first.
106
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,074
Right, run tele-cine. Alley-oop!
107
00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:54,480
- Aaagh!
- Watch monitors!
108
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,877
Love-40.
109
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,560
40?
They're 46 if they're an inch!
110
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,439
Overacting at its best.
111
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,955
- No, no, Fritz.
- Your leg is on my foot!
112
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,395
I meant toss me with a coin.
113
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,677
Right! Run tele-cine! Alley-oop!
114
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,194
Aaagh!
115
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:34,351
For the second time,
you are my head's delight.
116
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,750
Bom-bom-bom-bom...
117
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,596
Keep going, we're under time.
118
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,671
Wait a minute! Two spades...
119
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,717
one club. Play pontoons!
120
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,399
Ju-ju-ju-ju...
121
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,949
Jew-Jew-Jew-Jew?
They don't like Jews!
122
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:58,431
- No, I meant toss a coin.
-
t won't get as a big a laugh.
123
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,670
Watch this. Heil!
124
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:11,878
- Hello?
- It was heads.
125
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,917
You lose!
126
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,150
Aargh!
127
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,072
New balls, please.
128
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,790
Good evening to you
on the National er...
129
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:17,712
on the National Health Service.
130
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,871
If you're a private patient,
131
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,600
a much better class
of evening to you.
132
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,916
According to the BBC
make-up girl,
133
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,911
I'm supposed to be
Jonathan Miller
134
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,434
in The Body In Question.
135
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,318
I think she's got it in for me.
136
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,034
I'll get it out later.
137
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:40,716
M...
138
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,029
Silence!
139
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:46,353
In 1603, Dr Jim Dale
isolated the human leg.
140
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:49,159
Let's take a pair,
like mine, for instance.
141
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,394
Now...
142
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:58,993
Now...
143
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:06,673
Now, this is the type you see
hanging out of Scotsmen's kilts.
144
00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,036
Anything else hanging out
is illegal.
145
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,633
Now, rest assured that legs
are not catching.
146
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:17,714
Legs are hereditary
and run in most families.
147
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:19,438
I mean, erm.
148
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:20,919
Erm..
149
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,517
Symptoms of legs are this.
150
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,989
Stand up, look down.
151
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,914
If your bum is not touching
the ground, you've got legs.
152
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,957
But it's nothing serious. Look.
153
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:36,078
When you get up in the morning,
give them a good counting.
154
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,992
If they come to a total of two,
155
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:41,357
that should be enough
to carry you through the day.
156
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,795
Now, if you go out,
it's sensible
157
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,156
to cover them up with trousers.
158
00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:48,470
I mean, there's no need
for the neighbours
159
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,119
to know that you've got them.
160
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,873
You know how neighbours talk.
161
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,951
My neighbours talk like this.
162
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,350
"Hello, there, Spike..."
163
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:05,675
If, on waking, you find
you've got three legs...
164
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,553
Then..
165
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:19,151
Then one of them... might not be.
166
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,470
I mean, if it's shorter...
167
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,350
...and the weather's been cold...
168
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,672
It could mean that the pyjama
cord has frozen stiff.
169
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,356
A patient of mine fell out of
bed and broke his nightshirt.
170
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:42,195
Here's something else that
happens in the cold weather.
171
00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,109
Now, how do we try and get
our legs to work?
172
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:52,838
One way is by bus.
173
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,639
Or if you're rich,
send them by taxi.
174
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,872
And they'll be waiting for you
when you arrive at work.
175
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,315
And you, for your pad,
can make your way there
176
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,789
doing Toulouse Lautrec
impressions.
177
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:06,759
Remember,
Toulouse Lautrec is bad enough,
178
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,514
but to lose your legs
is sheer carelessness.
179
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:14,356
Now, this... this is a hairy leg.
180
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,078
Avery pronounced hairy leg,
181
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,869
H-A-I-R-Y, pronounced "hairy".
182
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,715
Now, then...
I can't see the teleprompt.
183
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:24,949
Ah!
184
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,318
If you've got a leg like this,
185
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:32,598
it means A: you're a man,
or B: you're a not.
186
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:37,236
If you're a not, put on a skirt
and a padded bra,
187
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,836
stand on the Bayswater Road
and see what happens.
188
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,513
If you're run over by a bus,
189
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,353
it means you weren't
on the pavement.
190
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:49,149
If you're... If you're arrested,
see a solicitor.
191
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:51,595
Now, if he's wearing
a skid and a padded bra,
192
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:53,193
form a limited company.
193
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,994
Now, if you've got legs...
194
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,032
Legs like this.
195
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,872
If you've got legs like this,
196
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:07,351
and the backs of your hands
trail along the ground...
197
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,992
don't see a doctor, see a zoo.
198
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,469
And next week,
I'll answer the question:
199
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:17,474
can leg irons
cure a crippling overdraft?
200
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:18,709
40-love!
201
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,518
You were in
Cockleshell Heroes.
202
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,079
Yes... Agh!
203
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,754
That's all for tonight.
204
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:51,989
♪ Sometimes some things
turn out how you mean them
205
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:59,676
♪ But then again,
sometimes you can't see them
206
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:06,034
♪ So then you should remember
207
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,236
♪ The sun don't always shine
208
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:13,635
♪ It never rains forever
209
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,838
♪ It's gonna work out fine
210
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:20,679
♪ One sunny day
211
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,390
♪ Doesn't mean to say
we had summer
212
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,552
♪ One lonely night
213
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,393
♪ Doesn't mean
the end of the world
214
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:35,997
♪ Something you said
215
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:39,516
♪ One thing has led to another
216
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,551
♪ One lonely night
217
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:46,678
♪ Doesn't mean
the end of the world
218
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:54,676
♪ One day you'll see
your troubles behind you
219
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,354
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh
220
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:02,560
♪ And when love goes
I know it will find you
221
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,950
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh
222
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:08,635
♪ But while it's looking for you
223
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:12,315
♪ I know you will survive
224
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:16,234
♪ You got the world before you
225
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:19,711
♪ It's good to be alive
226
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,358
♪ One sunny day
227
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:26,831
♪ Doesn't mean to say
we had summer
228
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,878
♪ One lonely night
229
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,396
♪ Doesn't mean
the end of the world
230
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,392
♪ Something you said
231
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,950
♪ One thing has led to another
232
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,832
♪ One lonely night
233
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,912
♪ Doesn't mean
the end of the world
234
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,152
♪ One sunny day
235
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:56,676
♪ Doesn't mean to say
we had summer
236
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,718
♪ One lonely night
237
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:04,395
♪ Doesn't mean
the end of the world
238
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,277
♪ Something you said
239
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,796
♪ One thing has led to another
240
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:15,831
♪ One lonely night
241
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:19,311
♪ Doesn't mean
the end of the world
242
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,118
♪ La la la-la
243
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,716
♪ La la la-la Ia-la laa-la
244
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,636
♪ One lonely night
245
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,951
♪ Doesn't mean
the end of the world
246
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:37,639
♪ La la la-la... ♪
247
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,350
And shake it till it's dry.
248
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,556
Yes.
249
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,353
This is a doctor sketch.
250
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,953
What do you want?
251
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,395
Doctor, do you have anything
for amnesia?
252
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,397
For what?
253
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,876
For people with bad memories...
254
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,076
- here it is again.
- Here's what again?
255
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,913
Erm...
256
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,233
- Hmm...
257
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,279
Read all about it!
258
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,953
Fleet Street printers strike!
259
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,670
Read all about it,
Fleet Street printers strike!
260
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,560
Here's an interesting news item.
261
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,951
Read it. Read it.
262
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,714
- What?
- Read it!
263
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:37,475
- Read, erm, this?
- Yes.
264
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,279
Read this?
265
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:43,193
Yes! Read that!
266
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,317
This?
267
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,311
Read this, that!
268
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:55,278
Yes, today, Alex Haley,
the author of Roots,
269
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,158
had a nervous breakdown.
270
00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,550
He discovered he'd been adopted.
271
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:03,996
Spare me, you swines of children!
272
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:06,310
Get out of here!
273
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,277
Get out of there! Go on!
274
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,712
Get out! Come here!
275
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,878
Over the top of it!
276
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,598
I'll give you
something to throw!
277
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,637
Get out of there! Out!
278
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,718
These kids coming here,
asking for Christmas boxes.
279
00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,029
♪ Living again, living again
280
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,634
♪ Oh, I'm living again ♪
281
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,757
It's the wrong song for here,
isn't it?
282
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:44,196
Yes. I wonder how the workhouse
Christmas puddings are going.
283
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,317
I know where they're going.
284
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,950
It was this or a week doing
pantomime in Wimbledon
285
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,872
with Noelle Gordon.
286
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,749
I've heard of the first Noelle.
She must be the last.
287
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,116
I'll just open this tin
of canned laughter.
288
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,677
Oh. It's gone off.
289
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,478
Oh, it's a woman.
290
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:20,474
Yes... You've never played
the piano accordion, have you?
291
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,471
- No.
- I was gonna say...
292
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:24,233
What was I gonna say?
293
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:29,679
Sob, sob, stifle, stifle,
cry, cry, cry!
294
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,229
Not too much - I can't swim.
295
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,072
Have you had a bereavement?
296
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,197
Yes. I've lost my husband.
297
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,157
Well, you won't find him here.
298
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,390
These are...
These are all empty.
299
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:43,834
Business is bad.
300
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,958
It always drops off
at Christmas.
301
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,951
Does it? Have you seen a doctor?
302
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,549
- They're very nice.
- Oh, yes, they're lovely.
303
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,598
Coffins are nice. It's a pity
to put them underground.
304
00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,432
I mean,
they're wasted on stiffs.
305
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,397
Well, I don't know
which to choose.
306
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:03,517
You see, I'm not a rich woman.
307
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:07,434
Oh? I thought you were
very well endowed, actually.
308
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:13,839
What's the different between
the Imperial and the Ark Royal?
309
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,309
Well, the Ark Royal
is an aircraft carrier.
310
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,279
I don't want him buried
in an aircraft carrier!
311
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,749
Well, have him catapulted
off the deck, then.
312
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:25,755
What does that mean?
313
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:28,229
That means your time is up
in this sketch.
314
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:29,879
Dressing room number 29.
315
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,634
You'll find the appliances
in a cardboard box
316
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:34,358
marked "hypersonic gear".
317
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,636
Ah! "Moves over
to the other side of set."
318
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,030
Hello, Raymond.
319
00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:42,590
You're a man of the world.
Where else?
320
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,479
Oh. Garth! Time for walkies.
321
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,840
Good evening and welcome
to this special edition
322
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,069
of Tomorrow's World.
323
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,117
Special not only
because I'm in it
324
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,238
but also because,
owing to an industrial dispute,
325
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,231
it's been brought forward
to today.
326
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,199
Otherwise, we would have been
appearing yesterday.
327
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:06,112
So welcome
to this special edition
328
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,430
of yesterday's
Tomorrow's World today.
329
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,557
I'd like to thank
Mr Spike Milligan
330
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,677
for helping
to terminate my career
331
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,797
by making me say
rubbish like that.
332
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:17,440
And I suspect this.
333
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,989
"Defeat the cemetery shortage
334
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,311
and fire your loved one
into outer space."
335
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:27,234
Which brings us to
this extraordinary rocket.
336
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:28,435
Mr Miller...
337
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,750
you are the proprietor
of this establishment?
338
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:31,955
Oh, that's good.
339
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:35,317
And you are the first man
to deal in rocket funerals.
340
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,198
Am I?
341
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:42,116
But who is the gentleman sitting
next to you dressed in a shroud?
342
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,191
Well, they do say
he comes from Turin.
343
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,920
- Why?
- Cos he comes from Turin.
344
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:51,635
But what is his role?
345
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:54,030
- Pardon?
- But what is his role?
346
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:56,077
I think it's cheese and tomato.
347
00:22:58,280 --> 00:22:59,918
No, I mean, what is his job?
348
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,799
Oh, he's a mark one
trainee corpse.
349
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:04,712
Ah.
350
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,314
Would you care to explain
the technical details
351
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:10,313
- of you rocket funerals?
- No.
352
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:12,954
All right, I'll explain.
353
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,350
I haven't had a line up to now.
354
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,558
I only took the part because of
the cheese and tomato roll...
355
00:23:18,640 --> 00:23:20,153
That's enough! That's enough.
356
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,594
I'm the star.
357
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:23,432
You say it, Bax.
358
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,160
I only took the part because
of the cheese and tomato...
359
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,197
No, no, no, no, no.
360
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,871
This is the mark one
inter y hearse.
361
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:38,433
Yes, and that... The stiff goes
in that box up the top there.
362
00:23:38,520 --> 00:23:41,876
What would you think is the most
important factor involved?
363
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:43,792
He's gotta be dead.
364
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,114
I can't believe this next line.
365
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,111
Why has he gotta be dead?
366
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,760
Well, otherwise,
the lift-off would kill him.
367
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:58,110
Wait for the laugh.
368
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,756
So, what is his part
in this extraordinary,
369
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,559
if you'll pardon the expression,
undeflaking?
370
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:13,671
Try shih-tzu.
371
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:20,596
As I said, in this extraordinary
undertaking.
372
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,353
As I said, shih-tzu.
373
00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:27,432
He er... He's the editor
of a magazine.
374
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:28,794
- Which magazine?
- Yes.
375
00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:30,678
What?
376
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,038
No, not What? magazine.
377
00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:35,270
I said he's the editor of
Which? magazine.
378
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:38,034
But he doesn't look
like a witch.
379
00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:41,238
He looks...
He looks more like a corpse.
380
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,789
I know but what corpse is
gonna read a magazine?
381
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:46,440
Even if it's printed
in a... let's wait for it...
382
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:48,158
dead language.
383
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,831
If you're watching
in black and white...
384
00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:56,672
See? It's the same colour.
That'
teach you
385
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,559
to buy a colour set,
you little mean swines!
386
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:01,836
And for those of you
watching on wireless,
387
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:05,231
here's an Irish card trick.
Right, pick a card.
388
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:06,594
Now, don't show me.
389
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:08,796
- What is it?
- 11 of Hearts.
390
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:10,029
Correct.
391
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,800
Mr Milligan is 61.
392
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,156
And so while the poor fellow
is still with us,
393
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:21,437
let's go immediately
to Funeral Control
394
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:22,669
at Highgate Cemetery.
395
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:26,310
And here at the Highgate
Cemetery coffin launch pad -
396
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,756
and I must say it's a damn sight
better than my pad -
397
00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:31,831
here is a hive of inactivity.
398
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,831
Mr Miller,
what time is the lift-off?
399
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:35,593
The lift goes off
at four o'clock.
400
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,114
Then we have to use the stairs.
401
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,909
I see. I notice the trial corpse
is carrying a teddy bear.
402
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,879
- Yes, I noticed that, too.
- What's behind all this?
403
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,473
What's behind it? It's a...
404
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:47,358
a zip fastener
with a cheese roll.
405
00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:49,590
Can you give me
a good scientific reason
406
00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,638
why he should take a teddy bear
into outer space?
407
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,074
- Yes.
- He can.
408
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:56,117
You learn something
new ever day.
409
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,396
- Right, now, then, get in.
- Why?
410
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,596
Because you are
the corpsenaut.
411
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:01,795
What's that mean?
412
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,269
It means one giant stiff
for mankind
413
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:06,874
- and death for you.
- Are you mad?
414
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:08,871
Course I am.
That's how I got the job.
415
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:10,917
Excuse me,
am I still in this sketch?
416
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,037
Just. Read that.
417
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:15,680
Thank you.
"My name is Fred Fernackapan,
418
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:19,230
I walk about the town,
sometimes with my trousers..."
419
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:23,234
Oh! "..and sometimes
with them down.
420
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,118
And when they were up,
they were up,
421
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:26,873
and when they were down,
they were down,
422
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:28,837
and when they were
only half-way up,
423
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:31,036
he was arrested."
424
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:34,033
Somebody's gotta laugh
at them. Read that.
425
00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:36,270
- "Sit down."
- Good.
426
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,634
"Close door."
427
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:41,509
Say, "Goodbye, everyone, forever."
428
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:42,920
Right, now, sing!
429
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:44,274
♪ Land of hope and glory... ♪
430
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:46,556
Raymond Baxter is 79!
431
00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:50,679
...four, three...
432
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:01,639
What are we gonna do now?
Baaa!
433
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,075
What are we gonna do now? Baaa!
434
00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:06,117
What are we gonna do now? Baaa!
435
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:18,115
Er...
436
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:21,272
Here is the...
437
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:23,112
Here is the late news.
438
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,874
It's er... an hour late,
to be precise.
439
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,120
Veteran bird-Strangler
Howard Smyih
440
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,113
died from an excess of alcohol.
441
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:37,556
A Guinness lorry ran over him.
442
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,314
Said the driver
through a spokesman,
443
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:41,515
"It was very strange,
444
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:44,194
he looked perfectly all right
before I hit him."
445
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:47,272
Percy Thrower has grown
a 15-foot-long marrow
446
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:50,478
and is finding it very difficult
to get his trousers on.
447
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,479
The annual octogenarians'
London-to-Brighton run
448
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:01,439
took place yesterday.
The results will not be released
449
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,750
until the next of kin
have been informed.
450
00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:07,317
A man was arrested in
Hyde Park today
451
00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:08,834
for feeding the squirrels.
452
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:11,514
He was feeding them to his dog.
453
00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:16,516
The dog was last seen
running up an elm tree
454
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:18,591
trying to save his nuts
for the winter.
455
00:28:26,600 --> 00:28:28,477
Finally...
456
00:28:28,560 --> 00:28:32,155
Finally, the Queen is
golding a harden party
457
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,117
at Puckingham Balace...
458
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,271
I beg your pardon.
I'll read that again.
459
00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:39,796
The Queen is golding
a harden party
460
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:41,439
at Puckingham Balace.
461
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:43,477
- Good night.
- Good night.
462
00:30:22,759 --> 00:30:24,432
Good evening.
463
00:30:25,199 --> 00:30:27,952
The Pope has promised
Bruce Forsyth an audience.
464
00:30:28,039 --> 00:30:30,838
He's sending a charabanc of nuns
to the Palladium.
465
00:30:33,479 --> 00:30:36,119
Marylebone Police are
looking for a tall blonde
466
00:30:36,199 --> 00:30:37,314
with a 42-inch bust.
467
00:30:37,399 --> 00:30:39,310
Asked what the charge was,
they said,
468
00:30:39,399 --> 00:30:42,949
"There's no charge. We're just
looking for a tall blonde..."
469
00:30:43,999 --> 00:30:48,357
An Irish clairvoyant claims
he can see into the past.
470
00:30:55,759 --> 00:30:57,716
He proved this when he predicted
471
00:30:57,799 --> 00:31:02,111
that Red Rum would win
the 1976 Grand National.
472
00:31:02,199 --> 00:31:04,839
A man doing 138 mph up the M1
473
00:31:04,919 --> 00:31:06,956
was finally stopped
by the police.
474
00:31:07,039 --> 00:31:09,633
They congratulated him
because he was on foot.
475
00:31:11,159 --> 00:31:13,753
A cure has been found
for habitual criminals.
476
00:31:13,839 --> 00:31:15,830
It's called prison.
477
00:31:16,919 --> 00:31:19,229
One criminal said,
"It's marvellous.
478
00:31:19,319 --> 00:31:23,108
I haven't committed a crime
since I've been in here."
479
00:31:23,199 --> 00:31:25,634
Brendan Foster...
Brendan Foster today
480
00:31:25,719 --> 00:31:29,474
ran an incredible one-minute
mile on a new cinder track.
481
00:31:29,559 --> 00:31:31,596
It was still hot.
482
00:31:33,199 --> 00:31:34,997
Irish convict Patrick Maloney
483
00:31:35,079 --> 00:31:38,435
has taken three years to tunnel
out of Strangeways jail.
484
00:31:38,519 --> 00:31:42,194
It's a pity because he was
only in for three months.
485
00:31:42,279 --> 00:31:44,350
The governor has given him
a credit note
486
00:31:44,439 --> 00:31:45,952
for 21 months which can be...
487
00:31:49,559 --> 00:31:52,233
At the sale of impressionists
at Sotheby's today,
488
00:31:52,319 --> 00:31:54,435
Mike Yarwood went for £1,000.
489
00:31:55,599 --> 00:31:57,431
The...
490
00:31:58,679 --> 00:32:01,353
The Thames Water Board
held a banquet last night
491
00:32:01,439 --> 00:32:03,999
to celebrate the cleaning of
the River Thames.
492
00:32:04,079 --> 00:32:05,797
The toast was drunk
by 500 guests
493
00:32:05,879 --> 00:32:07,950
with silver tankards
of Thames water.
494
00:32:08,039 --> 00:32:10,508
The mass funeral
will be on Monday.
495
00:33:19,759 --> 00:33:22,399
You hear that sound effect?
If I'd have followed that,
496
00:33:22,479 --> 00:33:24,277
I wouldn't have been
in this sketch.
497
00:33:24,359 --> 00:33:26,635
Is this a British Rail
lost property department?
498
00:33:26,719 --> 00:33:28,869
Yes, and our motto is,
"Get lost!"
499
00:33:28,959 --> 00:33:30,757
- American Express?
- Pardon?
500
00:33:30,839 --> 00:33:32,034
American Express?
501
00:33:32,119 --> 00:33:34,349
Oh, that will do nicely,
thank you.
502
00:33:38,119 --> 00:33:40,474
And I now sentence you
to six years' hard
503
00:33:40,559 --> 00:33:42,994
in Mrs Thatcher's knickers.
504
00:33:45,399 --> 00:33:47,470
I have lost an item
of clothing.
505
00:33:47,559 --> 00:33:49,277
Oh, I am sorry.
506
00:33:49,959 --> 00:33:52,473
I lost an uncle in the Navy.
507
00:33:53,919 --> 00:33:56,991
Normally,
the lost property assistant
508
00:33:57,079 --> 00:34:00,071
is not dressed as the Lord Chief
Justice of England.
509
00:34:00,159 --> 00:34:03,072
I know but we now have
a Conservative government in.
510
00:34:03,959 --> 00:34:07,315
And I therefore sentence you
to be hung until something falls off.
511
00:34:09,799 --> 00:34:12,154
Now, have you anything to say?
512
00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:14,196
According to
the rehearsal script...
513
00:34:17,519 --> 00:34:20,477
Rehearsal?
- Heel! Heel!
514
00:34:20,559 --> 00:34:22,152
No ad-libbing. No ad-libbing.
515
00:34:23,159 --> 00:34:25,275
No ad-libbing, Bob. Heel! Heel!
516
00:34:29,639 --> 00:34:32,870
Come on. Hurry up.
The last bus goes at 11.
517
00:34:32,959 --> 00:34:35,473
I am supposed to say...
518
00:34:35,559 --> 00:34:38,233
there is no po in the room.
519
00:34:40,679 --> 00:34:42,670
Look, Spike...
520
00:34:45,279 --> 00:34:47,236
...how can you write lines like that?
521
00:34:47,319 --> 00:34:48,878
Well, it's because that line
522
00:34:48,959 --> 00:34:51,269
is an integral part
of the script, Robert
523
00:34:51,359 --> 00:34:54,670
Ladies and gentlemen, is anybody
here with a p in this room?
524
00:34:55,919 --> 00:34:58,752
Anybody? Don't be ashamed.
525
00:34:58,839 --> 00:35:01,797
I've been caught in the middle
of a front row before.
526
00:35:01,879 --> 00:35:05,270
You see?
There is no po in the room.
527
00:35:05,359 --> 00:35:07,635
So will you please say
the line with confidence?
528
00:35:07,719 --> 00:35:09,835
I'll give you a musical backing.
Cue organ!
529
00:35:09,919 --> 00:35:12,195
And will the real
John Bluthal stand up!
530
00:35:19,799 --> 00:35:21,836
There is no po in the room!
531
00:35:21,919 --> 00:35:23,273
Don't blame me!
532
00:35:23,359 --> 00:35:24,997
I'm not a khazi attendant.
533
00:35:25,839 --> 00:35:28,558
Judges are found in chambers,
not in pos.
534
00:35:28,639 --> 00:35:30,676
For not laughing at that joke,
I sentence to you
535
00:35:30,759 --> 00:35:32,591
to Bob Monkhouse
and his celebrity grin.
536
00:35:34,399 --> 00:35:36,276
All right,
so you're not getting laughs.
537
00:35:36,359 --> 00:35:39,112
Look, I can't go on.
I can't go on being a lie.
538
00:35:39,199 --> 00:35:41,270
I'm not a judge, really.
I'm not a judge at all.
539
00:35:41,359 --> 00:35:45,148
Actually, what I am is a...
a bowler unblocker.
540
00:35:45,239 --> 00:35:48,231
You see, when Freddie Truman
was blocked up, I unblocked him.
541
00:35:51,799 --> 00:35:56,919
One, two, three, four,
542
00:35:56,999 --> 00:36:00,674
five, six, seven,
543
00:36:00,759 --> 00:36:04,150
eight, nine, ten,
544
00:36:04,239 --> 00:36:08,995
11,12,13,14,
545
00:36:09,079 --> 00:36:11,639
15,16...
546
00:36:12,359 --> 00:36:14,475
Ah, it's the little things
that count.
547
00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:20,233
Where did they get
this audience - Iran?
548
00:36:20,319 --> 00:36:22,117
No, I am not
a Lord Chief Justice.
549
00:36:22,199 --> 00:36:25,032
- My name is Lulu Lumps.
- That sounds awful.
550
00:36:25,119 --> 00:36:27,793
Yeah, but it's pronounced
"Lumps."
551
00:36:27,879 --> 00:36:30,234
Whenever you're ready.
552
00:36:33,839 --> 00:36:36,672
Camera three.
553
00:36:36,759 --> 00:36:38,193
I have come here to tell him
554
00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:40,839
that I've lost an item
of clothing on the train.
555
00:36:40,919 --> 00:36:42,990
- What was it?
- The 08:20 from Portsmouth.
556
00:36:43,079 --> 00:36:44,592
That's where my uncle died.
557
00:36:44,679 --> 00:36:47,034
Your uncle died on the eight...
558
00:36:47,119 --> 00:36:49,235
Was it the fish?
559
00:36:52,479 --> 00:36:53,878
- Pardon?
- Was it the fish?
560
00:36:53,959 --> 00:36:55,597
No, it was the other.
561
00:36:55,679 --> 00:36:58,034
You told me your uncle died
in the Navy.
562
00:36:58,119 --> 00:37:00,395
Oh, no! He died in the gravy.
563
00:37:00,479 --> 00:37:03,870
He died in the gravy. You see,
he was on the buffet carriage
564
00:37:03,959 --> 00:37:06,075
- on the 09:27.
- You said the 08:20.
565
00:37:06,159 --> 00:37:07,638
Ah, but with inflation, 09:27.
566
00:37:07,719 --> 00:37:08,834
So he's on the buffet
567
00:37:08,919 --> 00:37:11,195
and he ordered a plate
of British Railway gravy.
568
00:37:13,399 --> 00:37:16,232
The train pulled up with a jerk.
The jerk got off.
569
00:37:20,719 --> 00:37:23,950
And Uncle fell
face-down in the gravy
570
00:37:24,039 --> 00:37:25,632
- and snuffed it!
- Snuffed it?
571
00:37:25,719 --> 00:37:27,915
Of course!
You're not supposed to snuff it, but sip it!
572
00:37:29,599 --> 00:37:33,194
So anyhow, he's face-down
in it and he can't swim.
573
00:37:33,279 --> 00:37:35,236
That's why he couldn't
get in the Navy.
574
00:37:35,319 --> 00:37:36,514
Mind you, he tried.
575
00:37:36,599 --> 00:37:39,068
But the recruiting office said,
"Can you swim?"
576
00:37:39,159 --> 00:37:41,469
He says, "Why?
Haven't you got any ships?"
577
00:37:41,559 --> 00:37:44,073
And for not laughing
at that joke,
578
00:37:44,159 --> 00:37:47,311
I sentence you
to four years in Strangeways.
579
00:37:47,399 --> 00:37:48,798
I haven't got any strange ways.
580
00:37:48,879 --> 00:37:51,871
You will when you've
been in there four years.
581
00:37:51,959 --> 00:37:55,668
Hey, Spike. What are you trying
to do with my career?
582
00:38:01,759 --> 00:38:03,830
Career?
583
00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:08,948
Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Yiddishe mother, Anne Shelton!
584
00:38:11,439 --> 00:38:13,908
Do I look like Anne Shelton?
585
00:38:18,519 --> 00:38:20,112
Yes.
586
00:38:21,039 --> 00:38:23,508
Well, you're wrong!
587
00:38:30,919 --> 00:38:33,672
You've been living a lie.
It's Dave! Dave!
588
00:38:33,759 --> 00:38:36,114
Dave Shelton, her father!
589
00:38:36,199 --> 00:38:37,633
You are wrong again.
590
00:38:37,719 --> 00:38:39,949
Why don't you read
The Radio Times,
591
00:38:40,039 --> 00:38:41,598
then you'll know who I am.
592
00:38:41,679 --> 00:38:43,272
"Q9. Quinine.
593
00:38:43,359 --> 00:38:46,033
Starring Spine Milligan,
594
00:38:46,119 --> 00:38:48,030
Sweeny Blodd...
595
00:38:48,119 --> 00:38:49,996
John Blugal and...
596
00:38:50,079 --> 00:38:52,878
and... and...
597
00:38:53,839 --> 00:38:55,159
...and...
598
00:38:55,239 --> 00:38:56,388
and...
599
00:38:58,279 --> 00:39:00,998
Dave... Dave Lodge...
600
00:39:01,079 --> 00:39:03,639
- Right! And remember.
- Yeah?
601
00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:05,676
I was in Cockleshell Heroes.
602
00:39:07,079 --> 00:39:08,956
Why did you have
to dress like that?
603
00:39:09,039 --> 00:39:11,428
Cos that's the only way
you can get into films.
604
00:39:11,519 --> 00:39:13,317
And I was booked
for this show.
605
00:39:13,399 --> 00:39:16,073
Well, you'll be booked
for soliciting like that!
606
00:39:16,159 --> 00:39:18,548
- What I want to know is...
- Yes?
607
00:39:18,639 --> 00:39:22,109
Why I have got
such small parts?
608
00:39:26,039 --> 00:39:28,713
Now, your wife's been
complaining about that.
609
00:39:28,799 --> 00:39:30,597
She said you've got
to go jogging.
610
00:39:33,399 --> 00:39:35,072
What's this?
611
00:39:37,359 --> 00:39:39,509
Dead on time! Here...
612
00:39:39,599 --> 00:39:41,988
It's our audience ratings
for last week.
613
00:39:42,999 --> 00:39:45,468
Played by Keith Smith.
What a star pad!
614
00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:55,838
Has anybody claimed me yet?
615
00:39:56,919 --> 00:39:59,479
No. No.
But it won't be long now.
616
00:40:01,919 --> 00:40:04,479
- Who's gonna claim him?
- Death!
617
00:40:15,679 --> 00:40:18,353
Oh! You've...
you've forgotten your trousers.
618
00:40:18,439 --> 00:40:20,555
You're getting warm.
619
00:40:20,639 --> 00:40:22,994
Yes, it's this er...
It's this coat.
620
00:40:23,079 --> 00:40:24,513
It's fur-lined, you know.
621
00:40:24,599 --> 00:40:26,556
I got it from
the Surplus Army Stores.
622
00:40:26,639 --> 00:40:30,553
They got it from
the Surplus British Army. Look.
623
00:40:30,639 --> 00:40:32,152
What bizarre underwear!
624
00:40:32,239 --> 00:40:34,833
St Saviour's Church bazaar.
Why'd you ask that?
625
00:40:34,919 --> 00:40:37,798
Yeah, you won't believe this
but the Pope wore this.
626
00:40:37,879 --> 00:40:40,029
- I don't believe it.
- I told you you wouldn't.
627
00:40:40,119 --> 00:40:42,315
Admit it,
you've forgotten your trou...
628
00:40:42,399 --> 00:40:44,788
You've forgotten
your trousers.
629
00:40:44,879 --> 00:40:46,517
They go against my principles.
630
00:40:46,599 --> 00:40:49,751
They wear the skin off,
do they?
631
00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:55,116
- What's that?
- It wasn't me.
632
00:40:56,239 --> 00:40:58,799
Ah! It's the hooter
for the end of the game.
633
00:40:58,879 --> 00:41:01,473
Give them a song off.
We'll clear up.
634
00:41:01,559 --> 00:41:04,438
♪ My Yiddishe momma
635
00:41:04,519 --> 00:41:08,069
♪ I need her more than ever now
636
00:41:08,759 --> 00:41:10,397
♪ Oh, I know whatever... ♪
637
00:41:28,759 --> 00:41:30,875
I am Little Dave.
638
00:41:32,519 --> 00:41:35,875
I am the end of this sketch.
639
00:41:37,759 --> 00:41:39,557
- Oh!
- What are we gonna do now?
640
00:41:39,639 --> 00:41:40,754
Oh!
641
00:41:40,839 --> 00:41:42,557
- What are we gonna do now?
- Oh.
642
00:41:42,639 --> 00:41:44,676
What are we gonna do now?
643
00:41:44,759 --> 00:41:45,874
What are we gonna do now?
644
00:44:21,679 --> 00:44:24,148
Oh, dear, we've got
a trainee producer up there.
645
00:44:24,239 --> 00:44:26,230
Get it right, will ya?
646
00:44:26,319 --> 00:44:29,038
All the dandruffs falling out
of my busby.
647
00:44:29,119 --> 00:44:31,269
Oh, that's better.
648
00:44:31,359 --> 00:44:32,952
What a life! I don't know!
649
00:44:33,039 --> 00:44:36,111
Looking after the Royal Family.
It's terrible, innit?
650
00:44:43,879 --> 00:44:45,028
Yes...
651
00:44:47,239 --> 00:44:50,038
30... 30 quid a week.
652
00:44:50,119 --> 00:44:52,508
And them up there
worth millions,
653
00:44:52,599 --> 00:44:54,954
and me £30 a week all found.
654
00:44:55,039 --> 00:44:58,998
The trouble is,
I've never found anything.
655
00:44:59,079 --> 00:45:01,036
Thinks. Hairy thinks.
656
00:45:01,119 --> 00:45:03,838
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. I...
657
00:45:03,919 --> 00:45:06,354
I will ask for a rise.
658
00:45:07,319 --> 00:45:08,957
Queen!
659
00:45:09,039 --> 00:45:12,077
Hello? Queen Liz the Two!
660
00:45:12,159 --> 00:45:17,313
I demand an instant rise of 40%,
equal with British Leyland.
661
00:45:17,399 --> 00:45:19,151
Backdated to...
662
00:45:19,239 --> 00:45:20,991
erm... 1914!
663
00:45:25,599 --> 00:45:28,910
Never mind all that
waving and grinning!
664
00:45:28,999 --> 00:45:31,513
I want some cash in the hand!
665
00:45:37,279 --> 00:45:40,874
Ah! Wait, no! She's gone in
for the Royal handbag.
666
00:45:40,959 --> 00:45:43,348
Yes. So, if I'm getting a rise,
667
00:45:43,439 --> 00:45:45,077
I'd better dress the part.
668
00:45:45,159 --> 00:45:46,752
Eric?
669
00:45:48,639 --> 00:45:50,596
Eric?
670
00:46:11,599 --> 00:46:13,112
Halt!
671
00:46:14,639 --> 00:46:17,950
- Who goes there?
- I have come to relieve you.
672
00:46:18,039 --> 00:46:20,758
You're too late, I've been.
673
00:46:21,439 --> 00:46:22,634
Tee-hee-hee.
674
00:46:22,719 --> 00:46:27,077
You have washed your uniform
in too hot water. Right?
675
00:46:27,159 --> 00:46:28,877
- Wrong.
- Second try, then.
676
00:46:28,959 --> 00:46:31,997
The regimental tailor
has got it in for you?
677
00:46:32,079 --> 00:46:35,549
I do not discuss my sex life
with guardsmen.
678
00:46:35,639 --> 00:46:38,631
Oh! She's coming out again
with the lolly!
679
00:46:38,719 --> 00:46:41,188
Here you are, Queen!
Just a couple of million
680
00:46:41,279 --> 00:46:43,793
to buy a gallon of petrol
and some Kellogg's!
681
00:46:45,799 --> 00:46:47,915
She realised she hadn't
got enough money.
682
00:46:47,999 --> 00:46:49,114
_"Oil
-?
683
00:46:49,199 --> 00:46:52,669
You asking for that raise has caused
all these drastic cuts.
684
00:46:52,759 --> 00:46:55,148
I can't help that.
You can't expect an admiral
685
00:46:55,239 --> 00:46:56,752
to live on 30 nickers a week.
686
00:46:56,839 --> 00:46:59,149
- What do you need to live on?
- A battleship.
687
00:46:59,239 --> 00:47:01,435
You'd have to live on
a battleship.
688
00:47:01,519 --> 00:47:04,511
If they want an admiral
doing sentry-go
689
00:47:04,599 --> 00:47:06,476
outside here at Buck Pal,
690
00:47:06,559 --> 00:47:09,073
they've got to pay
for the prestige.
691
00:47:09,159 --> 00:47:11,719
The Senior Service.
You know what it costs?
692
00:47:11,799 --> 00:47:13,119
85p for 20.
693
00:47:14,759 --> 00:47:18,070
Ah, she's coming out again
with the lolly!
694
00:47:22,399 --> 00:47:24,470
Mussolini?
695
00:47:24,559 --> 00:47:26,197
That can't be Mussolini.
696
00:47:26,279 --> 00:47:27,474
- He's dead!
- Dead?
697
00:47:27,559 --> 00:47:29,436
Well, I hope so.
They buried him.
698
00:47:29,519 --> 00:47:31,192
Wait a minute.
699
00:47:31,279 --> 00:47:32,872
It's Philip.
700
00:47:32,959 --> 00:47:35,792
That's who it was, it was
Philip disguised as an Eyetie.
701
00:47:35,879 --> 00:47:38,598
He's Greek. He'll do anything
to hang onto his drachmas.
702
00:47:38,679 --> 00:47:40,955
Very painful,
hanging onto your drachmas.
703
00:47:41,039 --> 00:47:42,996
Ah! Here she comes again.
704
00:47:43,079 --> 00:47:44,717
Hello, Queen.
705
00:47:51,519 --> 00:47:52,839
What's this?
706
00:47:57,679 --> 00:48:00,990
"You have been appearing
in yet another sketch
707
00:48:01,079 --> 00:48:02,592
without a pay-off
708
00:48:04,519 --> 00:48:06,351
Wait a minute. No.
709
00:48:06,439 --> 00:48:08,112
This must be the end.
710
00:48:10,279 --> 00:48:11,713
Ladies and gentlemen,
711
00:48:11,799 --> 00:48:14,029
I was prepared for this.
I have a sack here...
712
00:48:44,519 --> 00:48:48,114
I am standing next
to Mr Dick Trailer.
713
00:48:48,199 --> 00:48:51,112
And er... he is standing
next to me.
714
00:48:53,159 --> 00:48:57,118
There has been
a drastic reduction
715
00:48:57,199 --> 00:49:00,908
in the staff, and it's me.
716
00:49:00,999 --> 00:49:03,388
And it's er... him.
717
00:49:03,479 --> 00:49:06,119
I earn a modest wage.
718
00:49:06,199 --> 00:49:08,634
£30 a week.
719
00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:12,508
Plus a 50p allowance
for each child.
720
00:49:12,599 --> 00:49:15,955
This brings my money up
to £600 a week.
721
00:49:17,599 --> 00:49:21,752
You see, Huge, my wife
is a devout Roman Catholic.
722
00:49:21,839 --> 00:49:25,230
- And you?
- I'm a practising sex maniac.
723
00:49:27,159 --> 00:49:29,309
Practice makes perfect.
724
00:49:29,399 --> 00:49:31,197
They said. But it doesn't.
725
00:49:31,279 --> 00:49:33,395
It makes children.
726
00:49:34,279 --> 00:49:36,919
And I er...
suppose you er...
practise on her?
727
00:49:36,999 --> 00:49:38,478
Yep. Yeah.
728
00:49:38,559 --> 00:49:40,072
Doesn't her church advocate
729
00:49:40,159 --> 00:49:42,230
the rhythm method
for birth control?
730
00:49:42,319 --> 00:49:44,879
Yes. But I put on
the wrong record.
731
00:49:47,119 --> 00:49:48,792
I put on er...
732
00:49:48,879 --> 00:49:53,271
Woodchopper's Ball
and it got stuck.
733
00:49:53,359 --> 00:49:56,078
I see. And the record?
734
00:49:56,159 --> 00:49:57,593
Er...
735
00:49:59,479 --> 00:50:03,871
The record er... 11 times a night.
736
00:50:03,959 --> 00:50:07,748
I see, then this is
a part-time job?
737
00:50:07,839 --> 00:50:11,628
Yes. I am a Securi-pianist.
738
00:50:13,119 --> 00:50:17,238
Mr Wheldon? There's been
a reduction in staff.
739
00:50:17,319 --> 00:50:18,912
And it's him.
740
00:50:18,999 --> 00:50:20,831
- I've said that.
- How'd it go?
741
00:50:20,919 --> 00:50:22,671
Well, I'll do the action replay.
742
00:50:22,759 --> 00:50:26,070
There has been...
743
00:50:27,319 --> 00:50:30,755
...a reduction in staff.
744
00:50:31,439 --> 00:50:34,079
And it's me.
745
00:50:34,159 --> 00:50:36,673
And now back live to the studio.
746
00:50:38,239 --> 00:50:40,435
Get your lovely pianos here!
747
00:50:40,519 --> 00:50:42,351
Lovely ripe pianos!
748
00:50:42,439 --> 00:50:43,634
- Look here...
- Get...
749
00:50:43,719 --> 00:50:45,676
I noticed that most of
the pianos in here
750
00:50:45,759 --> 00:50:47,352
are in fact mangles.
751
00:50:47,439 --> 00:50:50,238
Ah, there's a good answer
to that.
752
00:50:51,599 --> 00:50:52,714
Yes?
753
00:50:52,799 --> 00:50:57,669
You see, not everybody
can play the piano.
754
00:50:57,759 --> 00:51:02,276
Whereas a mangle doesn't
take much talent to play.
755
00:51:02,359 --> 00:51:04,714
Let me demonstrate to you.
756
00:51:10,119 --> 00:51:14,716
♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina
757
00:51:14,799 --> 00:51:16,472
- ♪ The truth is... ♪
- This is...
758
00:51:16,559 --> 00:51:18,436
Just a minute!
♪ The truth is... ♪ What?
759
00:51:18,519 --> 00:51:20,556
I admit this is most exciting
and interesting
760
00:51:20,639 --> 00:51:24,428
but I noticed in fact
no music did come out...
761
00:51:24,519 --> 00:51:26,715
did I hear coming out
from that mangle.
762
00:51:26,799 --> 00:51:29,439
You don't get music
out of a mangle.
763
00:51:29,519 --> 00:51:31,795
You get laundry out of it.
764
00:51:32,879 --> 00:51:34,358
You get laundry out of it
765
00:51:34,439 --> 00:51:36,430
and I get another line
out of it.
766
00:51:36,519 --> 00:51:38,874
Well, I'm afraid I'll have
to be leaving now
767
00:51:38,959 --> 00:51:41,109
because I have er...
pressing business.
768
00:51:41,199 --> 00:51:45,318
Gonna iron the old
crappy trousers?
769
00:51:45,399 --> 00:51:47,356
No, I have an idea
for a new book
770
00:51:47,439 --> 00:51:50,557
and I shall call it...
Bloody Expensive.
771
00:51:52,119 --> 00:51:54,030
Good, I'm glad he's gone,
772
00:51:54,119 --> 00:51:56,190
because now I get a line.
773
00:51:56,279 --> 00:51:57,428
And here it is.
774
00:51:59,279 --> 00:52:02,635
Get your lovely ripe
pianos here!
775
00:52:02,719 --> 00:52:04,517
Never mind. Look...
776
00:52:04,599 --> 00:52:07,432
Ooh! Oh! Oooooh!
777
00:52:07,519 --> 00:52:09,237
Why... Why are you wearing...
778
00:52:09,319 --> 00:52:11,469
Nah! No, no, no, no.
779
00:52:11,559 --> 00:52:13,277
Why are wearing that perv gear?
780
00:52:13,359 --> 00:52:14,679
Cos I've got a kinky dresser
781
00:52:14,759 --> 00:52:16,636
and he won't let me wear
any knickers.
782
00:52:16,719 --> 00:52:21,668
So, your answer is
blowing in the wind.
783
00:52:21,759 --> 00:52:23,557
- Just a moment.
- Just a moment...
784
00:52:23,639 --> 00:52:25,630
- To work!
- Right!
785
00:52:26,999 --> 00:52:29,513
I am here to see that
all the piano notes
786
00:52:29,599 --> 00:52:31,033
haven't been stolen.
787
00:52:32,319 --> 00:52:33,912
♪ Bong, bong, bong
788
00:52:35,199 --> 00:52:37,110
♪ Bong, bong, bong
789
00:52:39,439 --> 00:52:41,316
♪ Bong, bong, bong
790
00:52:42,479 --> 00:52:43,799
♪ Bong...♪
791
00:52:43,879 --> 00:52:45,790
You're new here, aren't you?
792
00:52:45,879 --> 00:52:48,598
All I want to know is, have you
had a medical check?
793
00:52:48,679 --> 00:52:51,353
Yes. £3.10 for a truss.
794
00:52:52,359 --> 00:52:54,589
It keeps them off the ground.
795
00:52:57,639 --> 00:52:59,755
Oh! It's an actor!
796
00:52:59,839 --> 00:53:02,718
- Ha-ha-ha!
- And a very bad one.
797
00:53:04,239 --> 00:53:06,799
Hello, my good man!
798
00:53:06,879 --> 00:53:09,598
My dear fellow, I will give you
a million pounds...
799
00:53:09,679 --> 00:53:13,115
..if you can guess
what my job is.
800
00:53:13,199 --> 00:53:17,033
Yes, you are a forger and
a counterfeiter of pound notes.
801
00:53:17,119 --> 00:53:19,918
What a lucky guess!
There's your million pounds.
802
00:53:19,999 --> 00:53:21,751
- That won't go very far.
- Why not?
803
00:53:21,839 --> 00:53:24,228
I only live next door.
804
00:53:24,319 --> 00:53:25,798
You see...
805
00:53:30,679 --> 00:53:33,717
...
like to be on
the job early every morning.
806
00:53:33,799 --> 00:53:37,394
Yes, I've heard you playing
the Woodchopper's Ball.
807
00:53:38,959 --> 00:53:40,996
Tee-hee-hee!
808
00:53:41,079 --> 00:53:44,276
My disguise has fooled him
and he is the store detective.
809
00:53:44,359 --> 00:53:48,990
Actually, I am a piano thief.
810
00:53:49,079 --> 00:53:51,878
Right! Onto the next joke.
811
00:53:51,959 --> 00:53:53,438
I hope you can remember it.
812
00:53:53,519 --> 00:53:55,556
Yes, I've got it
written down here.
813
00:53:55,639 --> 00:53:58,438
Right, I'll just read
the number of notes...
814
00:54:00,079 --> 00:54:01,672
...you used in the last quarter.
815
00:54:01,759 --> 00:54:05,957
Ah-ha-ha! 6,400 cubic notes.
816
00:54:06,039 --> 00:54:08,076
You have been playing concedes.
817
00:54:08,159 --> 00:54:10,628
No. I've only been playing
the piano.
818
00:54:10,719 --> 00:54:13,279
Ah, but there's a standing charge.
819
00:54:13,359 --> 00:54:15,032
I stayed sitting down.
820
00:54:21,519 --> 00:54:23,988
'Ere! What...
821
00:54:24,999 --> 00:54:26,717
What's all... What's all this?
822
00:54:26,799 --> 00:54:29,029
This in fact is my latest book.
823
00:54:29,119 --> 00:54:30,871
It's a load of old crap!
824
00:54:33,079 --> 00:54:35,229
All my books are
a lot of old crap.
825
00:54:35,319 --> 00:54:37,595
As you see, the age
of steam is not over.
826
00:54:37,679 --> 00:54:40,034
Yes, it is. It's all over me!
827
00:54:40,119 --> 00:54:43,475
Tee-hee-hee!
828
00:54:43,559 --> 00:54:46,392
Now for the other two!
829
00:54:46,479 --> 00:54:48,914
Stop! Piano leg thief!
830
00:54:48,999 --> 00:54:51,718
Cue blast on police whistle!
831
00:54:51,799 --> 00:54:53,073
I haven't got the music.
832
00:54:53,159 --> 00:54:55,753
- There.
- Oh, right. Right.
833
00:54:55,839 --> 00:54:58,228
Now give him another blast.
834
00:54:58,319 --> 00:54:59,548
Blast!
835
00:55:00,439 --> 00:55:03,716
Now, then... Ah, look!
836
00:55:03,799 --> 00:55:06,109
He's been trapped by
the Bechsteins.
837
00:55:07,359 --> 00:55:09,111
Quick, get his shoes
and socks off.
838
00:55:09,199 --> 00:55:12,112
- Why, are you a doctor?
- No, a chiropodist.
839
00:55:12,199 --> 00:55:13,872
Anything but a comic.
840
00:55:13,959 --> 00:55:15,438
Right, listen, Keith.
841
00:55:15,519 --> 00:55:17,510
This may sound silly to you.
842
00:55:17,599 --> 00:55:19,033
It sounds ridiculous to us
843
00:55:19,119 --> 00:55:20,996
but it may only sound
silly to you.
844
00:55:21,079 --> 00:55:23,150
Are you all right under there?
845
00:55:23,239 --> 00:55:26,072
Yes! Perfectly all right!
846
00:55:26,159 --> 00:55:30,710
And for my first number,
I would like to sing the song
847
00:55:30,799 --> 00:55:33,951
that made PJ Proby bankrupt.
848
00:55:35,199 --> 00:55:38,590
Have You Seen My Little Willy
This Morning?
849
00:55:40,319 --> 00:55:42,469
Look, help me get him out
from under here.
850
00:55:42,559 --> 00:55:44,232
- Right.
- Steady.
851
00:55:44,319 --> 00:55:49,598
♪ We'll keep a welcome in the hillsides ♪
852
00:55:49,679 --> 00:55:53,798
Here! This isn't Keith Smith.
This is Harry Secombe.
853
00:55:53,879 --> 00:55:55,358
How'd he get under the piano?
854
00:55:55,439 --> 00:55:57,112
What's he doing under the piano?
855
00:55:57,199 --> 00:55:59,156
- Yeah.
- Singing Come On Back To Wales.
856
00:55:59,239 --> 00:56:01,753
He'll never get to Wales
with a piano on top of him.
857
00:56:01,839 --> 00:56:04,592
- Keep going!
- We've gotta get a stretcher.
858
00:56:04,679 --> 00:56:07,558
You can't stretch him
any longer than this, you twit!
859
00:56:09,479 --> 00:56:11,072
Listen.
860
00:56:11,159 --> 00:56:12,832
That's the missus.
861
00:56:19,719 --> 00:56:20,914
Good evening.
862
00:56:20,999 --> 00:56:23,513
Here is the late news.
863
00:56:23,599 --> 00:56:25,954
The BBC scene shifters' strike
continues.
864
00:56:26,039 --> 00:56:27,677
Shut up!
865
00:56:30,119 --> 00:56:31,678
Striking pickets at British Leyland
866
00:56:31,759 --> 00:56:34,717
have threatened lorry drivers
they will put the boot in.
867
00:56:34,799 --> 00:56:36,437
The Leyland chief expressed a wish
868
00:56:36,519 --> 00:56:38,988
that one day they'll learn
to put the engines in.
869
00:56:42,639 --> 00:56:44,516
The London Stone Cleaning
Company
870
00:56:44,599 --> 00:56:46,954
started work today
to remove 28 years
871
00:56:47,039 --> 00:56:50,509
of accumulated marijuana stains
off The Rolling Stones.
872
00:56:52,399 --> 00:56:55,118
- Scottish singer...
- 'Ey, shut up, will ya?
873
00:56:55,199 --> 00:56:57,952
Will ya shut up?
He's got a bloody straight!
874
00:56:58,039 --> 00:57:01,430
Scottish singer Moira Anderson
has a bloody str...
875
00:57:03,879 --> 00:57:06,075
Scottish singer Moira Anderson
is to marry a doctor.
876
00:57:06,159 --> 00:57:09,038
Asked why,
she said she didn't feel well.
877
00:57:09,119 --> 00:57:13,317
And now the, erm, latest news
of the Irish Boat People.
878
00:57:13,399 --> 00:57:15,117
They've er...
879
00:57:16,719 --> 00:57:19,074
They've just landed in Vietnam.
880
00:59:01,679 --> 00:59:03,317
Oh, dear.
881
00:59:04,359 --> 00:59:07,397
Oh. Oh, dear, oh, dear.
882
00:59:07,479 --> 00:59:09,117
Oh, dear, oh, dearie me.
883
01:00:26,399 --> 01:00:28,436
Er...
Good evening.
884
01:00:28,519 --> 01:00:32,069
For those of you who are puzzled
by that opening piece of film,
885
01:00:32,159 --> 01:00:33,957
So are we.
886
01:00:34,039 --> 01:00:36,599
French for "yes", "oui" is F...
887
01:00:42,439 --> 01:00:46,148
In the Crown versus Lord Byford
and the nude lift boy trial...
888
01:00:46,239 --> 01:00:48,515
What?
889
01:00:49,559 --> 01:00:52,711
"Prosecuting counsel David Napley
opened his case today.
890
01:00:52,799 --> 01:00:55,393
In it was a Thermos of cocoa
and a cucumber...
891
01:00:56,839 --> 01:00:59,353
Here is a late boxing result.
892
01:00:59,439 --> 01:01:01,476
Joe Louis knocked out
Max Schmeling
893
01:01:01,559 --> 01:01:03,038
in the third round.
894
01:01:04,079 --> 01:01:06,878
London, last night
rock singer Elton John,
895
01:01:06,959 --> 01:01:08,996
sell-out concert
at Wembley Stadium,
896
01:01:09,079 --> 01:01:13,357
which he filled -
he left the dressing room tap running.
897
01:01:13,439 --> 01:01:15,237
Good news for British tree lovers.
898
01:01:15,319 --> 01:01:18,675
English elm disease
has broken out in Holland.
899
01:01:19,879 --> 01:01:22,678
Kew Gardens' botanical team
reported this morning
900
01:01:22,759 --> 01:01:25,353
there was an exceptionally
heavy dew on the grass.
901
01:01:25,439 --> 01:01:27,032
He weighed nearly 21 stone.
902
01:01:30,839 --> 01:01:32,671
- Ow!
- Right, the...
903
01:01:32,759 --> 01:01:35,319
The police have arrested
Lord Frinsby Scott...
904
01:01:37,119 --> 01:01:39,588
You'll remember last year
he was court chamberlain.
905
01:01:39,679 --> 01:01:42,478
Well, last night he was caught shop-lifting.
906
01:01:42,559 --> 01:01:44,550
What?
907
01:01:45,679 --> 01:01:47,431
A record flight.
A British Concorde
908
01:01:47,519 --> 01:01:50,079
took over two hours
to fly to Washington today.
909
01:01:50,159 --> 01:01:51,752
The passengers were furious.
910
01:01:51,839 --> 01:01:54,035
They were told they were going to Kuwait.
911
01:01:55,959 --> 01:01:58,030
The Royal Navy
are to reintroduce flogging.
912
01:01:58,119 --> 01:02:01,430
The practice will commence on Monday
when they try and flog the Ark Royal,
913
01:02:01,519 --> 01:02:03,715
two mine-sweepers...
914
01:02:03,799 --> 01:02:07,758
And now over to the other part
of the studio for some of this.
915
01:02:11,359 --> 01:02:14,875
I think you'll find that'll ease it a bit.
916
01:02:16,239 --> 01:02:19,869
Now, then, you say you haven't
eaten anything for a month.
917
01:02:23,239 --> 01:02:25,833
Yes, nurse?
918
01:02:27,119 --> 01:02:30,669
Yes, excuse me.
It's my daughter.
919
01:02:30,759 --> 01:02:34,150
Hello, darling.
You want Daddy to do doggy noises?
920
01:02:34,239 --> 01:02:36,116
Oh.
All right, my dear.
921
01:02:40,679 --> 01:02:45,150
Woof! Woof, woof, woof! Woof, woof!
922
01:02:56,559 --> 01:02:58,311
Here, boy.
923
01:02:59,399 --> 01:03:01,993
Oh... I was just speaking
to my daughter.
924
01:03:02,079 --> 01:03:04,753
What is she, a cooker spaniel?
925
01:03:04,839 --> 01:03:07,513
Oh, don't be silly!
My daughter a cooker spaniel?
926
01:03:07,599 --> 01:03:09,954
She's a perfectly normal
Jack Russell terrier.
927
01:03:11,359 --> 01:03:14,272
They didn't laugh much at that, did they?
928
01:03:14,359 --> 01:03:17,317
Try a different type of doggy, then.
929
01:03:17,399 --> 01:03:19,868
She's a Japanese shih-tzu.
930
01:03:21,359 --> 01:03:23,157
There's a lot of Arabs in tonight.
931
01:03:23,239 --> 01:03:25,469
Say something in Arabic.
932
01:03:25,559 --> 01:03:29,712
My daughter is an oil tanker.
933
01:03:29,799 --> 01:03:33,679
No, they're not... They're...
They're not laughing much.
934
01:03:33,759 --> 01:03:35,750
I'd better go and have a talk to them.
935
01:03:37,279 --> 01:03:40,510
Look, madam, erm... er...
936
01:03:40,599 --> 01:03:43,955
you don't know me...
937
01:03:44,039 --> 01:03:45,518
You don't want to?
938
01:03:45,599 --> 01:03:47,556
Well, you must have a sense of humour.
939
01:03:47,639 --> 01:03:50,108
You look like a woman
with a sense of humour.
940
01:03:50,199 --> 01:03:53,032
Dressed like that,
you must have a sense of humour.
941
01:03:53,119 --> 01:03:54,632
You are woman, aren't you?
942
01:03:54,719 --> 01:03:56,312
- I think so.
- Or is that padded?
943
01:03:58,439 --> 01:04:00,908
Tell me... You see,
they're not laughing much.
944
01:04:00,999 --> 01:04:03,878
What kind of animal do you like?
Do you laugh at worms?
945
01:04:03,959 --> 01:04:05,358
No.
946
01:04:05,439 --> 01:04:07,112
I don't mean if you've got them!
947
01:04:07,199 --> 01:04:08,951
I mean...
948
01:04:09,039 --> 01:04:10,712
Hold a YES/NO card, right?
949
01:04:10,799 --> 01:04:14,633
If you like the joke, hold up YES or NO.
950
01:04:14,719 --> 01:04:17,518
She's Irish, you see.
That's the YES, right?
951
01:04:17,599 --> 01:04:19,351
All right, hold it, then, hold it!
952
01:04:19,439 --> 01:04:21,828
- Hold it, hold it, hold it!
- All right, then!
953
01:04:21,919 --> 01:04:25,037
- Now, then, I'm a worm.
- Hello.
954
01:04:25,119 --> 01:04:27,030
Parcel of mud for you.
955
01:04:36,039 --> 01:04:38,918
Hello? Who's he talking to now?
956
01:04:38,999 --> 01:04:42,629
Can't be his wife because
she's no chicken!
957
01:04:42,719 --> 01:04:45,279
Shih-tzu?
958
01:04:45,359 --> 01:04:48,238
No? All right, well,
get on with the sketch, then.
959
01:04:48,319 --> 01:04:50,310
They're not laughing.
960
01:04:50,399 --> 01:04:52,310
Good morning, pretend doctor.
961
01:04:52,399 --> 01:04:54,197
Oh, pretend doctor. Ooh, good!
962
01:04:54,279 --> 01:04:56,668
Take a chair.
963
01:04:56,759 --> 01:04:59,558
Right, I'll come back for the tables
and cupboards later.
964
01:04:59,639 --> 01:05:02,358
No, no, I mean,
what seems to be the trouble?
965
01:05:02,439 --> 01:05:05,079
Oh, you've given her a meal, then,
have you?
966
01:05:06,719 --> 01:05:08,118
Er, the trouble?
967
01:05:08,199 --> 01:05:10,952
I'm having trouble getting
laughs with this audience,
968
01:05:11,039 --> 01:05:14,509
you see?
Erm, otherwise, I'm very fit.
969
01:05:14,599 --> 01:05:15,714
Listen to this.
970
01:05:15,799 --> 01:05:19,394
♪ Three girls up a mountain
971
01:05:20,279 --> 01:05:23,749
♪ Each one looking for a thrill
972
01:05:23,839 --> 01:05:27,309
♪ Look at this little Naughty Sherpa
973
01:05:27,399 --> 01:05:30,152
♪ Look what he's dragging up the hill ♪
974
01:05:34,159 --> 01:05:36,275
Oh! Ah! See?
975
01:05:36,359 --> 01:05:38,589
So I've got good lungs, I'm fit as a fiddle
976
01:05:38,679 --> 01:05:40,272
and no 'airs on the G string.
977
01:05:40,359 --> 01:05:43,431
I see. So you say
there's nothing wrong with you at all?
978
01:05:43,519 --> 01:05:46,238
There's nothing wrong with me at all.
979
01:05:46,319 --> 01:05:48,754
It is my considered medical opinion
980
01:05:48,839 --> 01:05:51,194
that there is nothing wrong with you at all.
981
01:05:51,279 --> 01:05:53,668
- Five pounds.
- Five?
982
01:05:53,759 --> 01:05:57,389
Well, this only weighs four and half.
Look here. It's a clothes peg.
983
01:05:57,479 --> 01:05:59,755
Take one of these.
It stops you blowing away.
984
01:05:59,839 --> 01:06:01,512
- Really?
- Yeah.
985
01:06:05,359 --> 01:06:07,111
Mu God!
986
01:06:07,199 --> 01:06:09,190
That's not God.
987
01:06:10,319 --> 01:06:12,071
What church do you go to?
988
01:06:12,159 --> 01:06:14,036
This is my wife Rosalita.
989
01:06:14,119 --> 01:06:15,473
Hello, darling.
990
01:06:15,559 --> 01:06:18,119
No. You... You married a gorilla?
991
01:06:18,199 --> 01:06:21,715
We just say that because
we don't want the neighbours to talk.
992
01:06:22,439 --> 01:06:25,079
- Oh.
- You know how the neighbours talk.
993
01:06:25,159 --> 01:06:28,948
My neighbours talk like this,
"Hello dair, how you goin' on, mon?"
994
01:06:31,439 --> 01:06:34,431
- You're living in sin.
- Am I living in sin?
995
01:06:34,519 --> 01:06:36,556
No, I'm living in Deptford.
996
01:06:38,399 --> 01:06:40,117
Shih-tzu? No? Right, carry on.
997
01:06:40,199 --> 01:06:43,635
Even... Even so, I mean,
living with a gorilla!
998
01:06:43,719 --> 01:06:46,916
No! She's... not a gorilla, you 'nana!
999
01:06:46,999 --> 01:06:48,319
It's just a gorilla skin.
1000
01:06:48,399 --> 01:06:51,152
She wears it because she's
got an inferiority complex.
1001
01:06:51,239 --> 01:06:54,197
- You could've fooled me.
- Anyone can fool you.
1002
01:06:54,279 --> 01:06:55,758
No, no, she wears it
1003
01:06:55,839 --> 01:06:58,274
because she likes to draw
attention to herself.
1004
01:06:58,359 --> 01:07:01,112
Mind you, it comes very handy
when she goes to Tesco's.
1005
01:07:01,199 --> 01:07:02,678
She gets served right away,
1006
01:07:02,759 --> 01:07:06,070
because they're all shih-tzu
scared of her, aren't they?
1007
01:07:06,159 --> 01:07:09,868
And the girl on the Jewish piano,
she's off! Never charges.
1008
01:07:09,959 --> 01:07:13,839
We haven't paid for a grocery bill
since she started wearing that.
1009
01:07:13,919 --> 01:07:16,308
You're wasting my time!
1010
01:07:17,919 --> 01:07:22,152
There's nothing wrong with this man
that death wouldn't cure!
1011
01:07:22,239 --> 01:07:24,389
Listen, what I wanna talk to you about is...
1012
01:07:26,519 --> 01:07:27,634
All right, dear?
1013
01:07:27,719 --> 01:07:29,949
What I need is a good, serious illness,
1014
01:07:30,039 --> 01:07:32,428
like swelling things
and all that, you know?
1015
01:07:32,519 --> 01:07:35,432
Except for two weeks in August.
1016
01:07:35,519 --> 01:07:38,671
- Why?
- I'm going to Majorca for holiday.
1017
01:07:38,759 --> 01:07:42,354
"14 days of promiscuity in the sun
1018
01:07:42,439 --> 01:07:45,875
in a grotty hotel, on a mattress." Lovely!
1019
01:07:45,959 --> 01:07:47,074
"30 quid all found."
1020
01:07:47,159 --> 01:07:48,877
If you look, you get it for nothing.
1021
01:07:48,959 --> 01:07:52,350
You're not taking her on holiday
dressed as a gorilla?
1022
01:07:52,439 --> 01:07:54,396
Of course not, you twit!
1023
01:07:54,479 --> 01:07:58,438
She gets all beautifully done up
as a spotted hyena.
1024
01:07:58,519 --> 01:08:00,192
Where do you stay?
1025
01:08:00,279 --> 01:08:02,873
Well, I stay at the Hilton.
She stays at the zoo.
1026
01:08:04,359 --> 01:08:07,795
Look...
"what I want to know is...
1027
01:08:07,879 --> 01:08:10,155
Overacting at its best.
1028
01:08:10,239 --> 01:08:12,992
...why do you want a serious illness?
1029
01:08:13,079 --> 01:08:15,639
Well, I'll tell you why.
For the last 38 years,
1030
01:08:15,719 --> 01:08:20,475
I've been paying health stamps,
comes to £2,800.
1031
01:08:20,559 --> 01:08:22,835
And I've never had a day's illness so...
1032
01:08:22,919 --> 01:08:24,432
- So?
- So I want my money back or...
1033
01:08:24,519 --> 01:08:25,634
Or what?
1034
01:08:25,719 --> 01:08:27,676
I want an illness
to the equivalent value,
1035
01:08:27,759 --> 01:08:30,148
like bubonic plague or something like that.
1036
01:08:30,239 --> 01:08:32,708
Scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch.
1037
01:08:32,799 --> 01:08:34,233
Pretend writing.
1038
01:08:34,319 --> 01:08:36,117
I didn't know she was bent.
1039
01:08:36,199 --> 01:08:39,794
There's no such illness as
"scratch, scratch, pretend writing".
1040
01:08:39,879 --> 01:08:40,994
Is there? ls there?
1041
01:08:41,079 --> 01:08:43,116
"Remove all clothing..." What?
1042
01:08:43,199 --> 01:08:45,349
"Wait for snowstorm,
1043
01:08:45,439 --> 01:08:49,034
sleep naked by open grave
in Highgate Cemetery"?
1044
01:08:49,119 --> 01:08:50,871
- Then what?
- Then...
1045
01:08:50,959 --> 01:08:52,313
"Double
1046
01:08:52,399 --> 01:08:55,312
Double p-peubonia?
1047
01:08:55,399 --> 01:08:56,912
Is that bad?
1048
01:08:56,999 --> 01:08:59,149
It is the way you pronounced it.
1049
01:09:01,839 --> 01:09:05,389
And now a startling change
in the whole sketch.
1050
01:09:05,479 --> 01:09:08,710
♪ Bum bum bom-bommm I'
1051
01:09:10,959 --> 01:09:13,428
The game is up, Dr Crippen.
1052
01:09:13,519 --> 01:09:16,318
- Who won?
- Er, Scotland 14, England 1.
1053
01:09:16,399 --> 01:09:18,709
Own goal.
1054
01:09:18,799 --> 01:09:22,349
Now, I must warn you that
you are under house arrest!
1055
01:09:22,439 --> 01:09:24,794
This is not a house,
it's a block of flats.
1056
01:09:24,879 --> 01:09:29,476
All right, then, you're under "a block
of flats with garage attached" arrest.
1057
01:09:29,559 --> 01:09:33,029
I must warn you that anything you say
will not get a laugh
1058
01:09:33,159 --> 01:09:36,117
because I wrote all the funny lines
for myself.
1059
01:09:36,199 --> 01:09:38,918
Right, now, then,
you heard the Irish knock-knock?
1060
01:09:38,999 --> 01:09:41,070
- No.
- All right, you go first.
1061
01:09:41,159 --> 01:09:42,752
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
1062
01:09:46,879 --> 01:09:48,392
Shih-tzu?
1063
01:10:01,159 --> 01:10:03,548
Air on the G String
1064
01:10:23,119 --> 01:10:27,352
Let me see. Alas, poor Yorick!
1065
01:10:27,439 --> 01:10:29,396
I knew him, Horatio:
1066
01:10:29,479 --> 01:10:33,313
a fellow of infinite jest,
most excellent variety:
1067
01:10:33,399 --> 01:10:36,198
he hath borne me on his back
a thousand times;
1068
01:10:36,279 --> 01:10:37,678
and I...
1069
01:10:39,839 --> 01:10:43,389
Yes, light up a Hamlet today.
1070
01:11:01,439 --> 01:11:02,998
♪ Living again
1071
01:11:03,079 --> 01:11:04,353
♪ Living each day
1072
01:11:04,439 --> 01:11:06,396
♪ Oh, I'm living again
1073
01:11:08,519 --> 01:11:10,396
♪ I made a mistake
1074
01:11:10,479 --> 01:11:11,878
♪ A head had to break
1075
01:11:11,959 --> 01:11:14,030
♪ But I'm living again
1076
01:11:15,799 --> 01:11:18,075
♪ I was having the time of my life
1077
01:11:18,159 --> 01:11:19,991
♪ Having the time of my life
1078
01:11:20,079 --> 01:11:23,435
♪ Fooling around with some poor guy's wife
1079
01:11:23,519 --> 01:11:26,238
♪ I couldn't look life in the eye
1080
01:11:27,359 --> 01:11:30,556
♪ Couldn't be sure when truth was a lie
1081
01:11:30,639 --> 01:11:32,550
♪ I'm dreaming again
1082
01:11:32,639 --> 01:11:34,038
♪ Dreaming each night
1083
01:11:34,119 --> 01:11:36,474
♪ Oh, I'm dreaming again
1084
01:11:38,279 --> 01:11:40,031
♪ Don't wake any more
1085
01:11:40,119 --> 01:11:41,678
♪ With each creak in the floor
1086
01:11:41,759 --> 01:11:44,035
♪ Oh, I'm dreaming again
1087
01:11:45,599 --> 01:11:47,829
♪ Oh, you never remember the pain
1088
01:11:47,919 --> 01:11:49,557
♪ Never remember the pain
1089
01:11:49,639 --> 01:11:53,109
♪ If you did it again
then you'd do the same
1090
01:11:53,199 --> 01:11:56,908
♪ But this is what life ought to be
1091
01:11:56,999 --> 01:12:02,438
♪ Living again seems like a luxury
1092
01:12:15,079 --> 01:12:17,548
♪ I was having the time of my life
1093
01:12:17,639 --> 01:12:19,277
♪ Having the time of my life
1094
01:12:19,359 --> 01:12:22,829
♪ Fooling around with some poor guy's wife
1095
01:12:22,919 --> 01:12:26,878
♪ Everything went to the wall
1096
01:12:26,959 --> 01:12:31,237
♪ The higher you climb,
the further you're gonna fall ♪
1097
01:13:12,919 --> 01:13:14,353
Good evening.
1098
01:13:14,439 --> 01:13:17,557
The BBC education department...
1099
01:13:17,639 --> 01:13:20,472
Showing you the new technique
1100
01:13:20,559 --> 01:13:22,630
of singing under the water.
1101
01:13:22,719 --> 01:13:26,075
Our singer, John "Jewish" Bluthal.
1102
01:13:26,159 --> 01:13:28,150
- Good evening.
- Good evening, John.
1103
01:13:28,239 --> 01:13:31,709
John will now enter this sewage water
to prove his indifference,
1104
01:13:31,799 --> 01:13:34,871
and from it he will sing
the Schwarze number.
1105
01:13:34,959 --> 01:13:39,510
It is entitled I Looked Over Jordan
And What Did I See.
1106
01:13:39,599 --> 01:13:41,476
Music.
1107
01:13:44,559 --> 01:13:46,709
He's come to Jordan but what can he see?
1108
01:13:54,319 --> 01:13:56,879
Somebody is coming for to carry him home.
1109
01:14:03,599 --> 01:14:06,193
A band of angels are coming for to see?
1110
01:14:06,279 --> 01:14:09,078
Who put the bloody fish in the tank?
1111
01:14:09,159 --> 01:14:10,672
We interrupt this programme
1112
01:14:10,759 --> 01:14:13,512
in order to bring you
an official BBC interruption,
1113
01:14:13,599 --> 01:14:16,239
for which we apologise.
1114
01:14:16,319 --> 01:14:19,198
That is the end of the apology.
1115
01:14:19,279 --> 01:14:21,350
It's all done with mirrors.
1116
01:14:23,279 --> 01:14:25,998
Who put piranha fish in the tank?
1117
01:14:26,079 --> 01:14:28,878
I know a good solicitor.
You wait here.
1118
01:14:29,519 --> 01:14:31,749
I'll soon have him back to his normal self.
1119
01:14:44,359 --> 01:14:45,633
Are we agreed, then?
1120
01:14:45,719 --> 01:14:47,676
This one.
1121
01:14:47,759 --> 01:14:50,273
♪ My eyes
They took a snap of you
1122
01:14:50,359 --> 01:14:51,952
♪ And my heart said
1123
01:14:52,039 --> 01:14:54,269
♪ Photograph, please don't laugh
1124
01:14:54,359 --> 01:14:56,555
♪ I love you... I'
1125
01:15:06,279 --> 01:15:09,078
"Ha-ha-ha."
1126
01:15:09,159 --> 01:15:11,514
“I will start this sketch by saying
1127
01:15:11,599 --> 01:15:14,432
how happy I am to be a punk rocker.
1128
01:15:14,519 --> 01:15:18,228
I will say some rude punk rocker words.
1129
01:15:18,319 --> 01:15:20,117
Dirty socks.
1130
01:15:20,199 --> 01:15:22,270
Rubber knockers.
1131
01:15:22,359 --> 01:15:24,828
Snotty handkerchief and boils."
1132
01:15:24,919 --> 01:15:26,830
There.
1133
01:15:29,119 --> 01:15:31,474
I'll get it, I'll get it.
1134
01:15:32,199 --> 01:15:34,588
- Right...
- Right hand down a bit.
1135
01:15:34,679 --> 01:15:36,352
Right, yeah.
1136
01:15:36,439 --> 01:15:37,554
- Left hand.
- Yep.
1137
01:15:37,639 --> 01:15:38,754
Right.
1138
01:15:38,839 --> 01:15:40,432
- I'll soon have him.
- Hurry up.
1139
01:15:40,519 --> 01:15:43,511
I've had the chips on
for the past four hours.
1140
01:15:44,639 --> 01:15:46,152
Oi, you! Here, ssh!
1141
01:16:23,399 --> 01:16:25,436
Not as good as the first time.
1142
01:16:30,439 --> 01:16:34,956
Don't tell me.
You've come to read the gas meter.
1143
01:16:35,039 --> 01:16:36,837
Oh, no, no.
1144
01:16:36,919 --> 01:16:39,274
I'm waiting till they make the film.
1145
01:16:39,359 --> 01:16:42,590
They're gonna make a film
of our gas meter.
1146
01:16:42,679 --> 01:16:43,953
Ooh, who's got the lead?
1147
01:16:44,039 --> 01:16:48,033
The lead? I think it's on
your other dog outside.
1148
01:16:49,439 --> 01:16:51,953
It's very sensible,
a lead on the outside of a dog.
1149
01:16:52,039 --> 01:16:54,155
It's very painful to put it on the inside,
1150
01:16:54,239 --> 01:16:57,630
when you have to thread it through
and er... you know, and er...
1151
01:16:59,639 --> 01:17:00,959
See?
1152
01:17:06,159 --> 01:17:07,877
Ladies and gentlemen,
1153
01:17:07,959 --> 01:17:10,917
I hope you know
what we're talking about.
1154
01:17:10,999 --> 01:17:13,309
Because nobody here does.
1155
01:17:15,119 --> 01:17:16,792
Hold it! Hold it! Keep quiet!
1156
01:17:16,879 --> 01:17:19,029
Keep quiet. It's gonna bite! Look.
1157
01:17:19,119 --> 01:17:21,998
Look, I've got him! I've... I've...
1158
01:17:22,079 --> 01:17:23,752
No.
1159
01:17:23,839 --> 01:17:26,638
My Gawd, he's clever that fish!
1160
01:17:26,719 --> 01:17:28,869
- You say that fish is clever?
- Yeah.
1161
01:17:28,959 --> 01:17:31,473
All right, then.
Excuse me, fish?
1162
01:17:31,559 --> 01:17:33,550
You don't know me.
1163
01:17:33,639 --> 01:17:35,118
Here's my card.
1164
01:17:36,799 --> 01:17:38,915
Now, then... Is he deaf?
1165
01:17:38,999 --> 01:17:40,956
- No.
- Here's a joke.
1166
01:17:41,039 --> 01:17:43,918
Can a lady with a wooden leg
change a pound note?
1167
01:17:43,999 --> 01:17:46,513
He doesn't know.
He's not clever. He's a twit!
1168
01:17:49,279 --> 01:17:51,270
That's when I got the cue.
1169
01:18:26,519 --> 01:18:28,237
What a part!
1170
01:18:28,319 --> 01:18:31,789
He's come all the way
from Australia to do that.
1171
01:18:31,879 --> 01:18:33,392
Just who are you?
1172
01:18:33,479 --> 01:18:35,436
No, I can do better than that.
1173
01:18:35,519 --> 01:18:37,476
Anybody can do better than that.
1174
01:18:43,039 --> 01:18:45,633
Whooo are yooou'?
1175
01:18:48,759 --> 01:18:50,955
Of course! The Evening Standard
Drama Awards!
1176
01:18:51,039 --> 01:18:53,918
That's what she's after.
I'd better get into that.
1177
01:18:53,999 --> 01:18:57,151
♪ Hello, dee-dom-bom-bom
I'm Blondin, Blondin
1178
01:18:57,239 --> 01:18:59,913
♪ Blondin, Blondin
Blondin from the Isle of... ♪
1179
01:18:59,999 --> 01:19:02,115
Oi! Oi! Oi!
1180
01:19:02,199 --> 01:19:04,110
Blondin is dead.
1181
01:19:04,199 --> 01:19:07,476
Oh, so that's why I'm not getting
any fan mail.
1182
01:19:07,559 --> 01:19:10,756
I don't think you are Blondin.
I think you are a cat burglar.
1183
01:19:10,839 --> 01:19:13,069
- Why?
- Outside there was a van
1184
01:19:13,159 --> 01:19:16,311
with six sacks of cats in it,
and they've all been drugged.
1185
01:19:16,399 --> 01:19:19,551
No, they weren't.
They were cat-napping.
1186
01:19:19,639 --> 01:19:22,153
Shih-tzu?
1187
01:19:22,239 --> 01:19:24,594
No, you see, I...
1188
01:19:27,639 --> 01:19:29,516
I use those cats for measuring.
1189
01:19:29,599 --> 01:19:31,317
- Measuring?
- Yes.
1190
01:19:31,399 --> 01:19:32,912
See, I go in a room with them,
1191
01:19:32,999 --> 01:19:35,832
then I slide my hand up
the moggy's tail, like that.
1192
01:19:35,919 --> 01:19:37,114
And...
1193
01:19:37,199 --> 01:19:40,157
...then I get them,
and I swing them round my head.
1194
01:19:40,239 --> 01:19:44,597
And if there's enough room to swing 'em,
I put the rent up.
1195
01:19:44,679 --> 01:19:47,512
I think that's very cruel,
putting the rent up a cat!
1196
01:19:47,599 --> 01:19:50,398
- What?
- Very cruel, putting the rent up a cat!
1197
01:19:50,479 --> 01:19:53,278
No, we don't charge the moggy rent.
1198
01:19:53,359 --> 01:19:56,431
How can a pussycat get
the 18 quid for putting it up?
1199
01:19:56,519 --> 01:20:00,513
- American Express?
- That'll do nicely, thank you.
1200
01:20:00,599 --> 01:20:03,910
Ladies and gentlemen...
1201
01:20:03,999 --> 01:20:06,798
They know who they are!
1202
01:20:06,879 --> 01:20:10,588
Oh. People who know who you are...
1203
01:20:13,439 --> 01:20:15,476
Robert Stigwood...
1204
01:20:15,559 --> 01:20:20,030
in conjunction with
the Brent Cross Borough Council...
1205
01:20:20,119 --> 01:20:24,158
..proudly presents...
1206
01:20:24,999 --> 01:20:27,752
Les Blondin...
1207
01:20:27,839 --> 01:20:31,753
crossing the Niagara Falls on a rope.
1208
01:20:31,839 --> 01:20:33,955
Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Smith...
1209
01:20:34,039 --> 01:20:37,236
kills 99% of all known jokes!
1210
01:20:38,359 --> 01:20:39,918
And now I will go over here
1211
01:20:39,999 --> 01:20:43,196
and read you some
Benny Hill funny words.
1212
01:20:43,279 --> 01:20:48,228
First word, "knickers"!
1213
01:20:48,319 --> 01:20:50,515
Second funny word...
1214
01:20:50,599 --> 01:20:52,476
"knockers"!
1215
01:20:56,679 --> 01:20:59,319
Shih-tzu?
1216
01:20:59,399 --> 01:21:01,993
And now the big one, apt-size brassiere!
1217
01:21:07,519 --> 01:21:09,271
That was a let-down.
1218
01:21:09,359 --> 01:21:12,875
Now, then, back to the scene,
where they should've...
1219
01:21:12,959 --> 01:21:15,519
Oh. You've been on holiday, then?
1220
01:21:16,879 --> 01:21:19,712
No, we just had a heavy fall of soot
in the fireplace.
1221
01:21:19,799 --> 01:21:23,394
Thus saving us two expensive
weeks in promiscuous Majorca.
1222
01:21:23,479 --> 01:21:25,914
Right, now to cross the Niagaras.
1223
01:21:29,999 --> 01:21:32,388
- Oi!
- Ah, you fool!
1224
01:21:33,159 --> 01:21:35,992
- You nearly had me off then!
- What's that for, then?
1225
01:21:36,079 --> 01:21:38,355
That's for keeping the rain off.
1226
01:21:38,439 --> 01:21:41,318
No! No, wrong line.
That is for balancing.
1227
01:21:41,399 --> 01:21:43,276
I thought it was for keeping the rain off.
1228
01:21:43,359 --> 01:21:46,670
That's what I said, you fool.
It is for keeping the rain off.
1229
01:21:46,759 --> 01:21:50,718
- Well, it's not raining.
- I know. It's a non-rain umbrella, you twit!
1230
01:21:50,799 --> 01:21:53,996
This fool of a man thinks
he's crossing Niagara Falls.
1231
01:21:54,079 --> 01:21:56,309
He is in fact crossing the front room
1232
01:21:56,399 --> 01:21:59,278
of 27 Shag Grope, Lewisham.
1233
01:22:00,519 --> 01:22:02,988
"Shag Grope"?
What are you talking about?
1234
01:22:03,079 --> 01:22:05,116
Now, then. Oh, yes, look!
1235
01:22:06,879 --> 01:22:09,997
What? Only to think, darling!
1236
01:22:10,079 --> 01:22:12,878
All those years
we've been paying £2.10 a week
1237
01:22:12,959 --> 01:22:14,358
to live in Niagara Falls!
1238
01:22:14,439 --> 01:22:17,591
Stout Headed Men
1239
01:22:17,679 --> 01:22:21,513
♪ ...who will fight for the right
they adore... ♪
1240
01:22:21,599 --> 01:22:23,351
Stop that noise next door!
1241
01:22:23,439 --> 01:22:26,431
There's people in here
trying to cross Niagara Falls!
1242
01:22:29,599 --> 01:22:32,876
♪ Shoulder to shoulder
And bolder and bolder... ♪
1243
01:22:40,759 --> 01:22:43,035
Look out! Indians!
1244
01:22:57,519 --> 01:23:01,274
Good evening.
Here is the nate light news.
1245
01:23:01,359 --> 01:23:04,112
Following the traditional
disastrous trade figures,
1246
01:23:04,199 --> 01:23:06,952
the Chancellor of the Exchequer
Sir Geoffrey Howe
1247
01:23:07,039 --> 01:23:11,272
appeared on Nationwide
with five loaves and three fishes.
1248
01:23:11,359 --> 01:23:14,556
He said, "Only a miracle can save us now."
1249
01:23:16,679 --> 01:23:18,033
Thank you. Back to me.
1250
01:23:18,119 --> 01:23:19,837
The Chief GLC architect
1251
01:23:19,919 --> 01:23:23,071
has carried out a remarkable
conversion in London.
1252
01:23:23,159 --> 01:23:26,436
He talked the chief rabbi
into becoming a Catholic.
1253
01:23:26,519 --> 01:23:29,910
Mrs Thatcher is to visit
all the country's main lunatic asylums.
1254
01:23:29,999 --> 01:23:33,390
She wishes to personally thank
all those who voted for her.
1255
01:23:41,919 --> 01:23:44,115
The reason for the unexpected outbreak
1256
01:23:44,199 --> 01:23:48,033
of rust, mould and damp rot
on Iberian Airlines has been discovered.
1257
01:23:48,119 --> 01:23:51,714
Apparently, the rain in Spain
falls mainly on the planes.
1258
01:23:56,959 --> 01:24:00,270
John Hanson has been confined
to bed with laryngitis.
1259
01:24:00,359 --> 01:24:03,750
Thanksgiving services are being held
throughout the world.
1260
01:24:03,839 --> 01:24:09,278
And now a look at the BBC
economy version of Disneyland.
1261
01:25:52,398 --> 01:25:54,116
Good evening.
1262
01:25:54,198 --> 01:25:55,791
That's the end of that bit.
1263
01:26:01,038 --> 01:26:03,188
Police rushed
to Oxford Circus today
1264
01:26:03,278 --> 01:26:05,315
when traffic came
to a sudden stop.
1265
01:26:05,398 --> 01:26:07,628
The lights were red.
1266
01:26:08,598 --> 01:26:10,430
Sophia Loren has negotiated
1267
01:26:10,518 --> 01:26:14,068
a $10,000 billion
contract with Columbia Pictures.
1268
01:26:14,158 --> 01:26:17,037
Said Miss Loren,
“I've got it all sewn up.“
1269
01:26:17,118 --> 01:26:19,917
Carlo Ponti
is seeking a divorce.
1270
01:26:22,598 --> 01:26:24,953
Welsh rugby player
with identity crisis...
1271
01:26:25,038 --> 01:26:26,711
Gareth Goldstein...
1272
01:26:29,358 --> 01:26:31,998
...when asked what food
he trained on, he said
1273
01:26:32,078 --> 01:26:34,069
"Tea and a few leeks.
1274
01:26:35,238 --> 01:26:37,707
That's why the wife
puts newspapers down."
1275
01:26:40,798 --> 01:26:42,869
Cricket:
at six o'clock this evening,
1276
01:26:42,958 --> 01:26:44,949
the entire Indian team
were all out.
1277
01:26:45,038 --> 01:26:47,996
Said the landlady,
"They've gone to the pictures."
1278
01:26:49,358 --> 01:26:50,757
The Scottish Labour Party
1279
01:26:50,838 --> 01:26:53,637
have banned the annual
Highland fling championship
1280
01:26:53,718 --> 01:26:55,311
owing to a shortage of kilts.
1281
01:26:55,398 --> 01:26:57,548
Some were as much as
18 inches too shod.
1282
01:26:57,638 --> 01:27:00,471
And revealed a massive swing
to the right.
1283
01:27:11,638 --> 01:27:14,517
- Be careful, dear.
- All right, darling.
1284
01:27:20,518 --> 01:27:23,795
It's no good. There just isn't
enough room to reverse here.
1285
01:27:23,878 --> 01:27:26,108
Hurry up, Garth.
Here comes a policeman.
1286
01:27:26,198 --> 01:27:29,634
It's all right, Robin.
We're not doing anything wrong.
1287
01:27:34,958 --> 01:27:37,552
- Abracadabra.
- Ohh!
1288
01:27:37,638 --> 01:27:39,993
- The other side!
- Abracadabra!
1289
01:27:40,078 --> 01:27:41,955
What?
1290
01:27:49,838 --> 01:27:52,512
- She's a bit cold this morning.
- Oh.
1291
01:27:54,758 --> 01:27:57,147
20 years the police station
have laughed at me
1292
01:27:57,238 --> 01:27:58,387
for carrying a blanket.
1293
01:27:58,478 --> 01:28:00,151
But I knew it would
come in useful.
1294
01:28:00,238 --> 01:28:02,070
Abra-bloody-cadabra!
1295
01:28:02,158 --> 01:28:04,149
It's come in useful
twice this week.
1296
01:28:12,158 --> 01:28:13,796
I was ad-libbing.
1297
01:28:15,638 --> 01:28:17,436
Meantime, back to the sketch.
1298
01:28:17,518 --> 01:28:19,987
"Abraca-bloody-dabra".
1299
01:28:22,358 --> 01:28:23,712
Say it.
1300
01:28:23,798 --> 01:28:25,675
Abraba-cloody... dabra!
1301
01:28:31,118 --> 01:28:34,998
- I'll try it again, Constable.
- Try it.
1302
01:28:35,078 --> 01:28:37,638
- You'll try anybody.
- Abra-bloody-cadabra!
1303
01:28:37,718 --> 01:28:40,915
Try it with a choke, dear!
1304
01:28:41,918 --> 01:28:43,591
Abracadabra with a choke!
1305
01:28:43,678 --> 01:28:45,988
Oh, choking apart, sir...
1306
01:28:46,758 --> 01:28:48,715
could I see
your driving licence?
1307
01:28:48,798 --> 01:28:50,027
Certainly.
1308
01:28:50,118 --> 01:28:51,347
Oh.
1309
01:29:09,798 --> 01:29:11,277
Here!
1310
01:29:11,358 --> 01:29:13,156
This is out of date.
1311
01:29:14,318 --> 01:29:16,355
And it's not a driving licence.
1312
01:29:16,438 --> 01:29:19,271
That's a combined TV and
laundry and dog licence.
1313
01:29:20,758 --> 01:29:23,113
Oh, no, it isn't. Now you're being silly.
It's a banana.
1314
01:29:23,998 --> 01:29:25,477
I know it's a banana, sir.
1315
01:29:25,558 --> 01:29:27,515
Not for one moment
did it fool me.
1316
01:29:27,598 --> 01:29:29,589
No, sir.
Do you think that I would eat
1317
01:29:29,678 --> 01:29:32,033
a combined TV,
laundry and dog licence?
1318
01:29:32,118 --> 01:29:35,509
In any case, I didn't ask
to see your banana.
1319
01:29:35,598 --> 01:29:37,555
I asked to see...
1320
01:29:39,278 --> 01:29:41,394
I asked to see
your driving licence.
1321
01:29:41,478 --> 01:29:43,992
Officer, you do not need
a licence to drive a carpet.
1322
01:29:44,078 --> 01:29:47,275
Yes, all right. I think he's as... as a newt.
1323
01:29:47,358 --> 01:29:49,508
Now, would you blow up that bag?
1324
01:29:49,598 --> 01:29:51,316
- Certainly.
- Very carefully.
1325
01:30:14,478 --> 01:30:15,798
You're under arrest!
1326
01:30:15,878 --> 01:30:19,314
- What charge?
- As I'm bent, it's 50p an hour.
1327
01:30:20,918 --> 01:30:23,876
And two quid for
knackering that bag.
1328
01:30:24,798 --> 01:30:27,074
Knackered itself once,
did you know that?
1329
01:30:27,158 --> 01:30:30,230
Do you know that you are
trying to drive a carpet?
1330
01:30:30,318 --> 01:30:33,151
Officer,
this is a flying carpet.
1331
01:30:33,238 --> 01:30:35,354
Snigger, snigger, camera two.
1332
01:30:35,438 --> 01:30:38,112
Disbelieving snigger.
All right, then,
1333
01:30:38,198 --> 01:30:41,316
- your pilot's licence.
- Certainly.
1334
01:30:41,398 --> 01:30:42,547
Ah, yes.
1335
01:30:42,638 --> 01:30:45,107
One, two, three, four, five...
1336
01:30:45,131 --> 01:30:47,131
This licence seems to be allright, sir.
1337
01:30:48,598 --> 01:30:51,317
I've had enough of this sketch.
I'm sure you have, too.
1338
01:30:52,598 --> 01:30:54,874
You'll have to finish it
on your own, then.
1339
01:30:54,958 --> 01:30:58,189
Now, are you gonna come quietly,
or do I have to use earplugs?
1340
01:30:59,238 --> 01:31:01,229
♪ I play the sweet life... ♪
1341
01:31:01,318 --> 01:31:04,117
Remember an old actor
who forgot his lines.
1342
01:31:04,198 --> 01:31:06,838
Remember an old actor
who forgot his lines.
1343
01:31:09,918 --> 01:31:11,716
The sketch is over, miss.
1344
01:31:13,958 --> 01:31:16,598
Abracadabra!
1345
01:31:17,638 --> 01:31:20,596
Aaagh!
1346
01:31:40,278 --> 01:31:44,272
Woof, growl, bark, yap, grrr.
1347
01:31:44,358 --> 01:31:45,871
Heel, heel! Put it out.
1348
01:31:45,958 --> 01:31:48,632
Heel! Heel! Heel!
1349
01:31:48,718 --> 01:31:51,028
You swine of a thing.
1350
01:31:53,678 --> 01:31:56,033
What's this?
What's this lot, then?
1351
01:31:57,718 --> 01:32:00,676
The woods are full of them,
you know.
1352
01:32:00,758 --> 01:32:02,476
Ticket, please.
1353
01:32:09,798 --> 01:32:11,596
Ticket, please.
1354
01:32:14,758 --> 01:32:18,638
What's he doing?
1355
01:32:18,718 --> 01:32:21,073
Ticket, please.
1356
01:32:24,478 --> 01:32:26,549
- Oh.
- Ticket, please.
1357
01:32:33,078 --> 01:32:37,629
"Enecs dworc ymonoce CBB."
1358
01:32:40,278 --> 01:32:42,155
"Enecs dwor..
1359
01:32:42,238 --> 01:32:44,070
You twit of a man!
1360
01:32:44,158 --> 01:32:46,195
You're reading that from behind.
1361
01:32:46,278 --> 01:32:47,791
No, I'm not!
1362
01:32:47,878 --> 01:32:51,030
I can't read with my behind.
1363
01:32:51,118 --> 01:32:55,476
Look, I'm not suggesting that
you've got eyes in your bum.
1364
01:32:56,838 --> 01:33:00,274
Otherwise, every time you pulled
your trousers up, you'd go blind.
1365
01:33:02,998 --> 01:33:05,228
All right, pay-off number two,
then.
1366
01:33:05,318 --> 01:33:07,229
Every time you pulled
your long johns up,
1367
01:33:07,318 --> 01:33:09,753
you'd be pulling the wool
over your eyes.
1368
01:33:10,798 --> 01:33:13,074
No? All right, pay-off
number three.
1369
01:33:13,158 --> 01:33:14,876
Every time you went
to the pictures,
1370
01:33:14,958 --> 01:33:19,509
you'd have to hang over the seat
and pull your trousers down to see.
1371
01:33:19,598 --> 01:33:23,273
You'd have difficulty telling
the lady in front to take her hat off.
1372
01:33:23,358 --> 01:33:26,111
And God knows how
you'd eat a choc ice!
1373
01:33:29,318 --> 01:33:30,956
Where's he gone?
1374
01:33:34,838 --> 01:33:36,556
Roll up, roll up, roll up!
1375
01:33:36,638 --> 01:33:37,958
And here's Spike Milligan
1376
01:33:38,038 --> 01:33:40,348
trying to get laughs from
a dodgy audience.
1377
01:33:42,878 --> 01:33:44,357
Roll up, roll up, roll up!
1378
01:33:44,438 --> 01:33:47,794
And come and see the real life
doggies scoffing grub
1379
01:33:47,878 --> 01:33:51,155
as seen on TV dog food
commercials.
1380
01:33:51,238 --> 01:33:54,833
That's because they starve them
for a month before they get there.
1381
01:33:54,918 --> 01:33:57,478
Otherwise they wouldn't eat
all that rubbish.
1382
01:33:57,558 --> 01:34:00,755
How do you expect a doggy
to open a tin of doggy food?
1383
01:34:00,838 --> 01:34:05,196
Woof, growl, bark,
bow-wow, yap, grrr.
1384
01:34:05,278 --> 01:34:08,236
- Where's he going?
- He usually goes in the gutter.
1385
01:34:09,478 --> 01:34:12,072
I mean, where are you taking
that mangy Herbert?
1386
01:34:12,158 --> 01:34:14,388
Mangy Herbert?
1387
01:34:14,478 --> 01:34:17,755
That's a pure-bred Scottish
Ireland elephant terrier.
1388
01:34:17,838 --> 01:34:20,910
What? There ain't
no elephants in Scotland.
1389
01:34:20,998 --> 01:34:23,797
Of course they're not.
He's killed them all.
1390
01:34:23,878 --> 01:34:26,313
- How does he kill them?
- How?
1391
01:34:27,158 --> 01:34:29,434
- He waits.
- Waits?
1392
01:34:29,518 --> 01:34:32,237
Well, they've got to die
sometime, haven't they?
1393
01:34:33,198 --> 01:34:37,635
Woof, growl, bark, yap, grrr.
1394
01:34:38,438 --> 01:34:41,590
- Heel! Heel!
- He'll what?
1395
01:34:41,678 --> 01:34:43,430
He'll keep quiet now.
1396
01:34:43,518 --> 01:34:46,112
You see, ever since he scoffed
all the elephants,
1397
01:34:46,198 --> 01:34:48,758
he's had to change his diet.
He's onto venison.
1398
01:34:48,838 --> 01:34:50,476
Venison? That's deer, isn't it?
1399
01:34:50,558 --> 01:34:52,231
Yeah, about ten quid a tin.
1400
01:34:52,318 --> 01:34:55,754
Woof, growl, bark, grrr, yap.
1401
01:34:55,838 --> 01:34:58,990
Heel! Heel!
Heel, you swine of a thing! Heel!
1402
01:34:59,078 --> 01:35:01,069
Here, wait a minute.
1403
01:35:01,158 --> 01:35:03,593
Why are you wearing
that soppy mask?
1404
01:35:05,718 --> 01:35:08,232
I know who you are.
Wait a minute.
1405
01:35:12,438 --> 01:35:14,031
Who is it, who is it?
1406
01:35:15,678 --> 01:35:17,715
Who is it, for God's sake?
Tell me who.
1407
01:35:20,678 --> 01:35:22,271
You're not all Arabs, are you?
1408
01:35:22,358 --> 01:35:24,793
Ah! The Lone Ranger!
1409
01:35:24,878 --> 01:35:26,915
A white horse, a flash of light,
1410
01:35:26,998 --> 01:35:30,116
a sack of spuds,
some dodgy ratings and bingo!
1411
01:35:30,198 --> 01:35:31,871
You're out of work, aren't you?
1412
01:35:31,958 --> 01:35:34,313
Wait a minute,
and where are you hiding
1413
01:35:34,398 --> 01:35:36,355
that poor Red Indian wog Tonto?
1414
01:35:40,798 --> 01:35:43,711
I hear a restricted tom-tom.
1415
01:35:43,798 --> 01:35:45,630
Who had curry for lunch?
1416
01:35:47,478 --> 01:35:49,389
Wait a minute,
Milligan goes bionic.
1417
01:35:49,478 --> 01:35:51,151
Do-do-do-do-do...
1418
01:35:51,238 --> 01:35:55,357
The red things that old
Steve, twit, Reeves has in in eyes.
1419
01:35:56,758 --> 01:35:58,795
Moves at the speed of light ale.
1420
01:36:08,358 --> 01:36:11,794
So, the lengths that people do
to get a night's lodgings in London!
1421
01:36:13,438 --> 01:36:16,271
How much you charging him,
Rachman?
1422
01:36:16,358 --> 01:36:18,508
- Only a quid a night.
- Poor devil!
1423
01:36:18,598 --> 01:36:20,828
Oh, this must be
his pipe of peace.
1424
01:36:20,918 --> 01:36:22,909
No, it isn't.
It's a piece of pipe.
1425
01:36:24,558 --> 01:36:28,153
I put that joke in for any Red Indian
plumbers who might be watching in.
1426
01:36:28,238 --> 01:36:30,752
It doesn't sound as if there
are any in the audience.
1427
01:36:30,838 --> 01:36:32,397
This man looks in a bad way.
1428
01:36:32,478 --> 01:36:34,674
That's the only way to get
into this show.
1429
01:36:34,758 --> 01:36:38,991
He's needing the kiss
of halitosis life.
1430
01:36:39,078 --> 01:36:42,230
♪ Hello young lovers...
1431
01:36:42,318 --> 01:36:44,468
♪ You're under arrest ♪
1432
01:36:45,558 --> 01:36:51,395
"Here, what's that twit of an Australian
doing in a doggy skin?"
1433
01:36:51,478 --> 01:36:54,118
See? Bluthal,
you got a mention then.
1434
01:36:54,198 --> 01:36:57,554
He came all the way from Australia
to go "grrr, bow-wow-wow".
1435
01:36:57,638 --> 01:36:59,709
All doggies have skin, you 'nana!
1436
01:36:59,798 --> 01:37:01,118
That's what holds them in.
1437
01:37:01,198 --> 01:37:05,396
Otherwise they'd be spread all over the
carpet, the giblets, the liver, the legs
1438
01:37:05,478 --> 01:37:07,628
and all the wedding tackle and all that!
1439
01:37:07,718 --> 01:37:09,072
- "Pause."
- What?
1440
01:37:10,558 --> 01:37:13,357
Wait for the laugh.
We're not getting many tonight.
1441
01:37:13,438 --> 01:37:15,315
Over to you, you 'nana.
Go on, say it.
1442
01:37:15,398 --> 01:37:17,674
- "Pause."
- Course, the paws as well.
1443
01:37:17,758 --> 01:37:20,432
"Gives withering stare."
1444
01:37:23,198 --> 01:37:26,395
"I still say he is not a doggy."
1445
01:37:26,478 --> 01:37:28,037
He is a doggy!
1446
01:37:28,118 --> 01:37:30,189
He is! Rex! Rex!
1447
01:37:30,278 --> 01:37:33,077
All Australian dogs are
terrible wrecks, you know?
1448
01:37:33,158 --> 01:37:34,751
Ready.. bark!
1449
01:37:34,838 --> 01:37:38,593
♪ Freude, schoener
Goetterfunken
1450
01:37:38,678 --> 01:37:41,909
♪ Tochter aus Elysium... ♪
1451
01:37:41,998 --> 01:37:44,353
You twit! That's not Bach,
that's Beethoven!
1452
01:37:44,438 --> 01:37:48,227
You see? His Bach is worse
than his Beethoven!
1453
01:37:48,318 --> 01:37:50,275
Groans! Groans!
1454
01:37:50,358 --> 01:37:52,395
Right, that's enough!
1455
01:37:52,478 --> 01:37:54,833
Come on in, 39th sketch,
your time is up!
1456
01:37:54,918 --> 01:37:56,670
What are we gonna do now?
1457
01:37:56,758 --> 01:37:58,874
- Don't do that!
- What are we gonna do now?
1458
01:37:58,958 --> 01:38:00,596
Don't do that!
1459
01:38:00,678 --> 01:38:03,352
What are we gonna do now?
1460
01:38:03,438 --> 01:38:07,557
Good evening. It's been another
typical day for British sport
1461
01:38:07,638 --> 01:38:09,390
We lost.
1462
01:38:10,718 --> 01:38:13,278
So over now for
the annual criminal sports
1463
01:38:13,358 --> 01:38:14,917
at Wormwood Scrubs
1464
01:38:14,998 --> 01:38:17,797
and Eddie wearing
a rather crappy BBC suit.
1465
01:38:19,878 --> 01:38:23,348
Just in time for the 100 metres
"chase the burglar" contest.
1466
01:38:23,438 --> 01:38:26,032
There they are
in their traps now.
1467
01:38:26,118 --> 01:38:28,075
There's Judge Valentine Dyall.
1468
01:38:29,038 --> 01:38:31,348
And there goes the burglar now!
And they're off!
1469
01:38:31,438 --> 01:38:33,793
It's Constable Painting
out in front with...
1470
01:38:33,878 --> 01:38:37,030
We'll come back. It's time for
the throwing the ball and chain.
1471
01:38:37,118 --> 01:38:40,588
This is Convict Thrill, who is
in for feeling bicycle saddles.
1472
01:38:40,678 --> 01:38:42,908
Watch this magnificent throw!
1473
01:38:42,998 --> 01:38:45,751
And he comes off the back foot
and up and out!
1474
01:38:45,838 --> 01:38:48,671
Magnificent throw! 60 metres!
1475
01:38:48,758 --> 01:38:51,352
Thump! Right in the right spot
at the right time!
1476
01:38:54,718 --> 01:38:58,074
He's not only broken the record,
he's broken a leg.
1477
01:38:58,158 --> 01:39:01,310
Now over to the finals of the
"belting the convicts nut" contest.
1478
01:39:02,518 --> 01:39:05,158
He's using the ordinary
lead-filled truncheon.
1479
01:39:05,238 --> 01:39:07,832
There's his first strike.
No, he has to do better than that.
1480
01:39:07,918 --> 01:39:11,036
Now what's he gonna do?
Oh, he's doing it again.
1481
01:39:11,118 --> 01:39:13,837
He'll have to change tactics.
He's only up to 20.
1482
01:39:13,918 --> 01:39:15,795
Ah.
1483
01:39:15,878 --> 01:39:18,757
Beautiful strike! Now let's see
what he's got in mind now.
1484
01:39:18,838 --> 01:39:20,351
Oh, that was nice.
1485
01:39:20,438 --> 01:39:23,191
The finals of the all-comers
freestyle mailbag sewing.
1486
01:39:23,278 --> 01:39:24,632
And... they're off!
1487
01:39:24,718 --> 01:39:27,915
Look at the way they're powering
through those gunny sacks.
1488
01:39:27,998 --> 01:39:30,148
There! Yes, it's a win.
1489
01:39:30,238 --> 01:39:33,390
It's a win for Constable Blemish
and Convict Life Sentence.
1490
01:39:33,478 --> 01:39:36,994
They've won for the third year running
and the first year sitting down.
1491
01:39:37,758 --> 01:39:40,716
The finals of the Hendon College Trainee
"spot the criminal" contest.
1492
01:39:40,798 --> 01:39:42,232
Viewers might like to join in.
1493
01:39:42,318 --> 01:39:45,834
There's a train leaving Paddington at 09:29.
There'll be time to catch a train back.
1494
01:39:45,918 --> 01:39:48,307
As you can see,
he's quite an old young trainee.
1495
01:39:48,398 --> 01:39:51,595
And he's wrong. He's wrong.
He's got one more try, though.
1496
01:39:51,678 --> 01:39:53,077
And he's wrong again.
1497
01:39:53,158 --> 01:39:55,991
That's a mistake
anyone can make.
1498
01:39:56,078 --> 01:39:59,434
Would the real
burglar step forward, please?
1499
01:40:00,878 --> 01:40:02,676
And the burglar wins!
1500
01:40:02,758 --> 01:40:05,318
It shows how a brilliant
disguise can deceive.
1501
01:40:05,398 --> 01:40:07,912
You need your eyes open
in the police or you walk into things.
1502
01:40:07,998 --> 01:40:11,354
The start of
the "kiss of life" finals.
1503
01:40:11,438 --> 01:40:13,554
- They're on their marks.
- Get set.
1504
01:40:13,638 --> 01:40:15,549
Set.
1505
01:40:15,638 --> 01:40:16,787
And they're off!
1506
01:40:16,878 --> 01:40:19,267
They try to breathe
a little life into this show.
1507
01:40:19,358 --> 01:40:21,998
It's in, out. In, out.
1508
01:40:22,078 --> 01:40:24,638
Ah, ah, ah!
1509
01:40:24,718 --> 01:40:26,755
He'll lose points for groping.
1510
01:40:26,838 --> 01:40:28,476
You only have three gropes allowed.
1511
01:40:29,478 --> 01:40:31,628
There seems to be some
doubt about the winner.
1512
01:40:31,718 --> 01:40:34,710
Now, watch this left cross
as he brings it up...
1513
01:40:34,798 --> 01:40:36,311
Oh.
1514
01:40:37,158 --> 01:40:39,672
Bloody fools!
They've got the wrong film on!
1515
01:40:54,198 --> 01:40:57,953
♪ You don't the half of it
1516
01:40:58,038 --> 01:40:59,915
♪ Eleanor
1517
01:41:01,438 --> 01:41:05,147
♪ Some day you'll be part of it
1518
01:41:05,238 --> 01:41:07,229
♪ Eleanor
1519
01:41:08,838 --> 01:41:12,593
♪ There's so much life
you've got to live
1520
01:41:12,678 --> 01:41:16,148
♪ So much love you have to give
1521
01:41:16,238 --> 01:41:21,916
♪ The kind of girl to be with
ever more
1522
01:41:23,118 --> 01:41:25,917
♪ Eleanor
1523
01:41:25,998 --> 01:41:29,514
♪ Sometimes when you smile
1524
01:41:29,598 --> 01:41:33,193
♪ You make it all worthwhile
1525
01:41:33,278 --> 01:41:36,828
♪ You're all I'm waiting for
1526
01:41:38,078 --> 01:41:40,752
♪ Eleanor
1527
01:41:40,838 --> 01:41:44,388
♪ Sometimes when you cry
1528
01:41:44,478 --> 01:41:48,267
♪ You make me want to die
1529
01:41:48,358 --> 01:41:51,908
♪ I love you, Eleanor
1530
01:42:05,278 --> 01:42:08,669
♪ You'll find the world
a funny place
1531
01:42:08,758 --> 01:42:10,874
♪ Eleanor
1532
01:42:12,558 --> 01:42:16,313
♪ I wanna see your smiling face
1533
01:42:16,398 --> 01:42:18,833
♪ Ever more
1534
01:42:19,838 --> 01:42:23,752
♪ And if you need some sympathy
1535
01:42:23,838 --> 01:42:27,308
♪ AII you do is think of me
1536
01:42:27,398 --> 01:42:32,757
♪ And I'll be there
to see you through for sure
1537
01:42:34,078 --> 01:42:36,718
♪ Eleanor
1538
01:42:36,798 --> 01:42:40,314
♪ Sometimes when you smile
1539
01:42:40,398 --> 01:42:44,028
♪ You make it all worthwhile
1540
01:42:44,118 --> 01:42:47,474
♪ You're all I'm waiting for
1541
01:42:48,878 --> 01:42:51,552
♪ Eleanor
1542
01:42:51,638 --> 01:42:55,074
♪ Sometimes when you cry
1543
01:42:55,158 --> 01:42:58,833
♪ You make me want to die
1544
01:42:58,918 --> 01:43:03,867
♪ I love you, Eleanor ♪
1545
01:43:32,838 --> 01:43:36,229
Fed up with people?
Then get a Ridderladder.
1546
01:43:36,318 --> 01:43:39,913
Jibber-jabber, jibber-jabber,
jibber-jabber, jibber-jabber...
1547
01:43:39,998 --> 01:43:42,751
It's funny he should say that...
1548
01:43:42,838 --> 01:43:44,476
Deutschland Uber alles.
1549
01:43:49,638 --> 01:43:51,788
- ♪ Gets rid of people ♪
- Ridderladder.
1550
01:43:51,878 --> 01:43:54,108
Gets rid of people - quick.
1551
01:44:15,158 --> 01:44:16,557
Getty laughy.
1552
01:44:20,198 --> 01:44:23,111
Right, that'll be 50p.
1553
01:44:23,198 --> 01:44:25,030
- Ah so.
- "Ah so" to you.
1554
01:44:30,878 --> 01:44:32,835
See, I am a merry guardsman.
1555
01:44:32,918 --> 01:44:34,795
And I'm seeing that
no harm comes to
1556
01:44:34,878 --> 01:44:37,836
you-know-who and Philip,
see that they come to no harm.
1557
01:44:37,918 --> 01:44:40,671
But those nice Nip people,
thought I was Prince Philip
1558
01:44:40,758 --> 01:44:42,271
when everybody knows I'm not.
1559
01:44:42,358 --> 01:44:43,917
Cos he charges a quid.
1560
01:44:44,878 --> 01:44:48,155
Mind you, there is a certain
resemblance between him and me.
1561
01:44:48,238 --> 01:44:50,309
I've got the same number of legs
1562
01:44:50,398 --> 01:44:53,117
and other things
that he's got, you see?
1563
01:44:53,198 --> 01:44:57,874
Quick! March!
1564
01:44:57,958 --> 01:45:00,268
Halt! Left turn! Stand at ease!
1565
01:45:00,358 --> 01:45:02,827
Form fours! Form threes!
1566
01:45:04,078 --> 01:45:07,389
Now, then, what are your duties,
Guardsman Grollix?
1567
01:45:07,478 --> 01:45:09,867
First one's getting
all this spit off my face.
1568
01:45:12,358 --> 01:45:14,793
- Did you say Grollix?
- Grollix.
1569
01:45:14,878 --> 01:45:16,835
I am...
1570
01:45:17,838 --> 01:45:19,988
I am not Guardsman Grollix.
1571
01:45:20,078 --> 01:45:22,718
I am Guardsman Britt Ekland.
1572
01:45:23,958 --> 01:45:26,347
Just testing your memory.
1573
01:45:26,438 --> 01:45:27,872
I was just testing yours.
1574
01:45:27,958 --> 01:45:29,631
Here, wait a minute!
1575
01:45:29,718 --> 01:45:32,153
Wait a minute, I know you.
1576
01:45:32,238 --> 01:45:35,913
You are Dave Lodge
of the Cockleshell Heroes.
1577
01:45:37,358 --> 01:45:38,917
Funny you should say that.
1578
01:45:38,998 --> 01:45:41,672
I don't think it was funny.
It didn't get a laugh.
1579
01:45:41,758 --> 01:45:43,476
Mind you, nothing is tonight.
1580
01:45:43,558 --> 01:45:44,832
- Now, then.
- Yes?
1581
01:45:44,918 --> 01:45:46,670
What bit of the film
did you like?
1582
01:45:46,758 --> 01:45:48,874
I liked the bit where you get
mangled up
1583
01:45:48,958 --> 01:45:50,869
by the E-boat German
propellers.
1584
01:45:50,958 --> 01:45:52,790
I didn't get mangled.
1585
01:45:52,878 --> 01:45:56,428
You mean...
you look like this normally?
1586
01:45:59,198 --> 01:46:02,236
Seriously, though,
what I'm trying to say to you
1587
01:46:02,318 --> 01:46:04,389
is can I have your autograph?
1588
01:46:04,478 --> 01:46:05,957
It's not for me.
1589
01:46:06,038 --> 01:46:08,268
It's for... you know, up there,
you know.
1590
01:46:08,358 --> 01:46:10,713
"My husband and I...
1591
01:46:10,798 --> 01:46:12,630
don't get on."
1592
01:46:12,718 --> 01:46:14,629
Her. Right, sign in there.
1593
01:46:16,998 --> 01:46:20,628
"D" - that's straight down
with a big, fat belly.
1594
01:46:20,718 --> 01:46:23,312
"A" - that's like with the stick
across the legs.
1595
01:46:23,398 --> 01:46:25,628
"V" - Diana Dors' cleavage,
right?
1596
01:46:25,718 --> 01:46:28,790
"E" - straight up with a fork
sticking out the front. Right.
1597
01:46:28,878 --> 01:46:30,835
That will be 50p.
1598
01:46:32,078 --> 01:46:34,069
American Express?
1599
01:46:35,238 --> 01:46:37,434
That will be do nicely,
thank you.
1600
01:46:37,518 --> 01:46:40,795
Hold it!
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
1601
01:46:42,078 --> 01:46:43,671
He is holding it!
1602
01:46:43,758 --> 01:46:46,272
You don't think it's stopping
up there on its own?
1603
01:46:51,838 --> 01:46:55,274
Who's wearing Butch Boy?
1604
01:46:55,358 --> 01:46:58,350
It's you, you naughty sergeant!
1605
01:46:59,278 --> 01:47:01,189
Oh...
1606
01:47:01,278 --> 01:47:03,747
- Hear, hear.
- You smell nice.
1607
01:47:03,838 --> 01:47:05,988
- What have you got on?
- Clean socks.
1608
01:47:09,558 --> 01:47:12,516
And of course,
just a touch of the Brut.
1609
01:47:12,598 --> 01:47:16,478
Oh!
1610
01:47:16,558 --> 01:47:18,708
All right! All right! All right!
1611
01:47:18,798 --> 01:47:20,197
Stop shouting!
1612
01:47:20,278 --> 01:47:22,838
Otherwise I'll never dance
with you again.
1613
01:47:22,918 --> 01:47:24,909
Right, start from where
you left off.
1614
01:47:24,998 --> 01:47:26,193
I wish he'd leave off.
1615
01:47:26,278 --> 01:47:29,031
Give him half a chance,
he'd leave everything off.
1616
01:47:29,118 --> 01:47:31,075
Hello!
There's promotion for you.
1617
01:47:32,758 --> 01:47:34,317
Thinks.
1618
01:47:34,398 --> 01:47:37,117
"
wonder what the folks
back home are doing."
1619
01:47:37,198 --> 01:47:39,792
♪ There's No Place Like Home
1620
01:47:49,918 --> 01:47:51,795
Oh, I was just thinking of you.
1621
01:47:54,158 --> 01:47:55,831
Oh, they've gone.
1622
01:47:55,918 --> 01:48:00,549
So have I. So that's why
I'm back live in the studio.
1623
01:48:00,638 --> 01:48:03,710
To think all these years
I thought they were geriatrics.
1624
01:48:03,798 --> 01:48:06,358
And all the time they were
balancing tricks.
1625
01:48:06,438 --> 01:48:09,351
Tee-hee, ha-ha-ha.
Someone's gotta laugh at them.
1626
01:48:09,438 --> 01:48:13,147
Anyhow, meantime...
Greenwich Mean Time...
1627
01:48:13,238 --> 01:48:14,512
back at the sketch.
1628
01:48:18,358 --> 01:48:23,148
I haven't knocked yet, you twit!
What's the matter with you?
1629
01:48:23,238 --> 01:48:26,913
♪ Young man
I like the street life
1630
01:48:26,998 --> 01:48:29,592
♪ I like the street life... ♪
1631
01:48:29,678 --> 01:48:31,715
Halt! Who goes there?
1632
01:48:31,798 --> 01:48:33,232
We all do.
1633
01:48:40,598 --> 01:48:43,636
- What are you doing in there?
- I'm not doing it in there.
1634
01:48:43,718 --> 01:48:45,550
I'm doing it out here.
1635
01:48:45,638 --> 01:48:48,232
Well, what are you doing
in there... out here?
1636
01:48:48,318 --> 01:48:50,116
- I'm squatting.
- No, you're not.
1637
01:48:50,198 --> 01:48:51,757
You're standing up.
1638
01:48:51,838 --> 01:48:53,511
Unless you're a funny shape.
1639
01:48:53,598 --> 01:48:56,317
Wait a minute.
Are you male or female?
1640
01:48:56,398 --> 01:48:58,514
All the evidence points to male.
1641
01:48:58,598 --> 01:49:02,148
The dirty little devil goes
pointing to his main evidence!
1642
01:49:03,118 --> 01:49:05,678
Now, then, you get out of here!
1643
01:49:05,758 --> 01:49:08,193
Or I'll get Philip
to get the corgis!
1644
01:49:08,278 --> 01:49:09,791
Has Philip got the corgis?
1645
01:49:09,878 --> 01:49:12,870
Oh, yes, all up the inside
of his legs.
1646
01:49:12,958 --> 01:49:16,076
Terrible. Everywhere.
He got it off a dirty saddle.
1647
01:49:16,158 --> 01:49:17,307
Polo?
1648
01:49:17,398 --> 01:49:19,150
No, thanks,
I've just had a jelly baby.
1649
01:49:19,958 --> 01:49:22,313
Hello! I see they've
brought back hanging.
1650
01:49:22,398 --> 01:49:24,150
- Have you finished?
- Yeah.
1651
01:49:24,238 --> 01:49:25,717
Right, next set-up, please.
1652
01:49:25,798 --> 01:49:26,913
What's this say?
1653
01:49:26,998 --> 01:49:29,353
"Milkman, end of the sketch."
I'm not a milkman.
1654
01:49:29,438 --> 01:49:31,349
I'm a guardsman
who forgets his lines.
1655
01:49:34,198 --> 01:49:39,477
Here is the Reverend Franklin
with a few calming words.
1656
01:49:39,558 --> 01:49:42,118
Librium, Valium, Mogadon.
1657
01:49:48,918 --> 01:49:52,752
And er...
And as a funny pay-off...
1658
01:49:52,838 --> 01:49:54,749
Ah...
Ah...
1659
01:49:54,838 --> 01:49:56,272
Ah-choo!
1660
01:50:06,358 --> 01:50:08,508
♪ Ohhhh ♪
1661
01:50:08,598 --> 01:50:14,071
♪ And now the end is near... ♪
1662
01:50:14,958 --> 01:50:17,916
♪ And I must face ♪
1663
01:50:17,998 --> 01:50:19,352
♪ The final... ♪
1664
01:50:24,638 --> 01:50:27,949
And finally... And finally,
here's the late night news.
1665
01:50:28,038 --> 01:50:29,676
At the Albert Hall last night,
1666
01:50:29,758 --> 01:50:32,511
boxer Muhammad Ali
split the front of his shorts.
1667
01:50:32,598 --> 01:50:35,397
The promoter explained
it was an exhibition bout.
1668
01:50:36,838 --> 01:50:38,112
The wife of Oliver Reed,
1669
01:50:38,198 --> 01:50:40,872
the actor, floor-sander
and glutton,
1670
01:50:40,958 --> 01:50:43,757
has been forced to leave him,
owing to illness.
1671
01:50:43,838 --> 01:50:45,272
She's sick of him.
1672
01:50:46,998 --> 01:50:49,877
Here's the story
of an oil sheik.
1673
01:50:49,958 --> 01:50:52,472
The man who drank it, died.
1674
01:50:54,438 --> 01:50:55,951
Just like that joke.
1675
01:50:57,758 --> 01:51:01,353
Diana Dors has taken out a large
endowment policy on her husband.
1676
01:51:01,438 --> 01:51:02,792
Asked why, she said,
1677
01:51:02,878 --> 01:51:05,313
"
like all my men
to be well endowed."
1678
01:51:08,278 --> 01:51:10,838
And now...
1679
01:51:10,918 --> 01:51:12,556
And now...
1680
01:51:12,638 --> 01:51:17,394
And now... now the news headlines
again for the hard of hearing.
1681
01:51:17,478 --> 01:51:19,788
At the Albert Hall tonight!
1682
01:51:19,878 --> 01:51:23,917
Muhammad Ali
split the front of his shorts!
1683
01:51:23,998 --> 01:51:29,676
The promotor explained
it was an exhibition bout!
1684
01:51:29,758 --> 01:51:32,796
The wife of Oliver Reed...
1685
01:51:32,878 --> 01:51:35,950
the actor, floor-sander
and glutton,
1686
01:51:36,038 --> 01:51:39,030
has been forced to leave him,
1687
01:51:39,118 --> 01:51:41,792
owing to illness!
1688
01:52:21,192 --> 01:52:23,468
Piano Concerto
1689
01:52:33,432 --> 01:52:35,423
Aargh!
1690
01:52:59,272 --> 01:53:01,661
Good evening.
1691
01:53:01,752 --> 01:53:03,948
Sorry, I'll read that again.
1692
01:53:04,032 --> 01:53:06,990
Good evening. I told you I'd read it again.
1693
01:53:08,672 --> 01:53:11,232
A Japanese World War Two pilot
who crashed in Borneo
1694
01:53:11,312 --> 01:53:13,110
has been found alive and well.
1695
01:53:13,192 --> 01:53:14,785
Asked how he survived, he said
1696
01:53:14,872 --> 01:53:17,591
he was sustained by friendly natives.
1697
01:53:17,672 --> 01:53:19,310
He ate them.
1698
01:53:21,832 --> 01:53:24,904
A man given a week to live
1699
01:53:24,992 --> 01:53:26,665
has won £2 million on the pools.
1700
01:53:26,752 --> 01:53:30,461
Asked how he would spend it, he said,
"As quickly as possible."
1701
01:53:30,552 --> 01:53:33,624
The Pope is 79 today.
Asked how he would spend it, he said,
1702
01:53:33,712 --> 01:53:35,908
"As quickly as possible."
1703
01:53:41,512 --> 01:53:43,310
I know!
1704
01:53:52,072 --> 01:53:55,303
Finally...
..a valuable talking parrot
1705
01:53:55,392 --> 01:53:59,181
has escaped from the Archbishop
of Canterbury's palace in Lambeth.
1706
01:53:59,272 --> 01:54:03,948
It answers to the name of
"Come here, you little bastard".
1707
01:54:04,032 --> 01:54:06,421
Look here! You can't do this sort of thing!
1708
01:54:10,632 --> 01:54:13,829
Clear off and let
us blokes get on with it, mate.
1709
01:56:30,672 --> 01:56:32,629
Cut to picture of Spike dressed as Hitler
1710
01:56:32,712 --> 01:56:34,510
wearing German admiral's uniform,
1711
01:56:34,592 --> 01:56:37,061
standing on what appears
to be the bridge of Bismarck,
1712
01:56:37,152 --> 01:56:38,665
or some other herring.
1713
01:56:38,752 --> 01:56:41,062
Behind are three actors
dressed identically.
1714
01:56:41,152 --> 01:56:43,587
These additional Hitlers
are all looking puzzled.
1715
01:56:43,672 --> 01:56:46,471
They have been cloned.
Bring on the clones.
1716
01:56:46,552 --> 01:56:48,488
They have no idea what
they're doing on the bridge
1717
01:56:48,512 --> 01:56:50,742
of a herring called Bismarck,
and neither have we.
1718
01:56:50,832 --> 01:56:54,712
That is why we're getting out of
this sketch as soon as possible.
1719
01:57:04,192 --> 01:57:06,388
Yes, quite obviously, Hitler doesn't know
1720
01:57:06,472 --> 01:57:08,782
the sketch is over and is going for laughs.
1721
01:57:10,712 --> 01:57:11,861
There goes one now.
1722
01:57:11,952 --> 01:57:13,625
Watch out, Poland. You're next!
1723
01:57:21,752 --> 01:57:24,505
Here is an announcement
for a Mr Al Capone.
1724
01:57:24,592 --> 01:57:27,550
Your sketch has ended
and there is a cheque in the post.
1725
01:57:27,632 --> 01:57:30,385
Another sketch will follow
almost immediately.
1726
01:57:30,472 --> 01:57:33,624
Meanwhile, here is a test card.
1727
01:57:43,992 --> 01:57:47,064
Right,
now we have this beautiful, brand-new,
1728
01:57:47,152 --> 01:57:50,270
second-hand Japanese television set.
1729
01:57:50,352 --> 01:57:52,150
What am I bid?
1730
01:57:52,232 --> 01:57:54,030
Five pounds!
1731
01:57:54,112 --> 01:57:55,591
Any advance on five pounds?
1732
01:57:55,672 --> 01:57:57,504
Six!
1733
01:57:59,312 --> 01:58:01,622
Six once, six twice...
1734
01:58:01,712 --> 01:58:04,226
Ten!
1735
01:58:11,752 --> 01:58:14,824
♪ Theme from The Way To The Stars
1736
01:58:32,872 --> 01:58:35,466
I suppose a Donald
is out of the question?
1737
01:58:39,992 --> 01:58:41,391
Waiter?
1738
01:58:44,872 --> 01:58:46,465
Waiter?
1739
01:58:50,312 --> 01:58:54,545
Waiter?
1740
01:58:58,952 --> 01:59:03,423
♪ Verily I heard you call
1741
01:59:03,512 --> 01:59:08,985
♪ I warneth thou that the fish is off ♪
1742
01:59:10,632 --> 01:59:15,103
I am Lord Hughmay De Nightoulon.
1743
01:59:15,192 --> 01:59:16,990
And I booked a table for two.
1744
01:59:17,072 --> 01:59:19,632
♪ Then you'll have to stand ♪
1745
01:59:19,712 --> 01:59:23,228
- Why?
- You didn't book any chairs.
1746
01:59:23,312 --> 01:59:24,871
Well, I'm not standing for that.
1747
01:59:24,952 --> 01:59:26,829
You don't stand for chairs,
you sit on them.
1748
01:59:26,912 --> 01:59:29,984
- What is the chef's specialty?
- The chef's specialty is...
1749
01:59:30,072 --> 01:59:32,427
wearing ladies' underwear.
1750
01:59:32,512 --> 01:59:34,469
What do you fancy, Mrs Grollix?
1751
01:59:34,552 --> 01:59:36,668
- The doorman.
- I'm sorry, the doorman's off.
1752
01:59:36,752 --> 01:59:39,904
But we have a nice,
well-done little lift boy.
1753
01:59:39,992 --> 01:59:43,064
- Now, any special wine?
- Yes.
1754
01:59:43,152 --> 01:59:45,587
- Yes, what?
- Yes, any special wine.
1755
01:59:48,192 --> 01:59:51,025
Waits for laugh. Gets nothing.
1756
01:59:51,112 --> 01:59:52,750
Would you like a vintage?
1757
01:59:52,832 --> 01:59:55,142
No, just a bottle.
1758
01:59:56,872 --> 01:59:59,432
If you like a bottle, I know what you'd like.
1759
01:59:59,512 --> 02:00:01,788
- My sister.
- Is she on the menu?
1760
02:00:01,872 --> 02:00:03,988
No, she's upstairs on the bed.
1761
02:00:04,072 --> 02:00:06,188
- What year is she?
- Very good year.
1762
02:00:06,272 --> 02:00:09,025
21. Very good for laying down.
1763
02:00:09,112 --> 02:00:11,228
I thought 67 was a very good year.
1764
02:00:11,312 --> 02:00:13,349
Ah, then you want my mother-in-law.
1765
02:00:15,072 --> 02:00:17,666
- Is she on the menu?
- No, she's on the Embankment.
1766
02:00:18,952 --> 02:00:21,592
Arrrrgh! Jim lad!
1767
02:00:21,672 --> 02:00:24,346
Arrrrgh! Jim lad!
1768
02:00:24,432 --> 02:00:26,264
I'm sorry.
1769
02:00:26,352 --> 02:00:29,344
I keeping getting these sudden
attacks of "Arrrrgh, Jim
ad!"
1770
02:00:29,432 --> 02:00:32,072
Ever since I had lunch with
Sir Bernard Kilometres.
1771
02:00:32,152 --> 02:00:33,267
You mean Miles?
1772
02:00:33,352 --> 02:00:35,548
No, Kilometres. He's been metricated.
1773
02:00:35,632 --> 02:00:37,589
Arrrrrgh, Jim lad!
1774
02:00:37,672 --> 02:00:40,027
Arrrrrgh, Jim lad!
1775
02:00:41,872 --> 02:00:43,863
- Look, Spike.
- Yes.
1776
02:00:46,232 --> 02:00:47,905
Where is this sketch leading us?
1777
02:00:47,992 --> 02:00:49,630
Finchley Labour Exchange.
1778
02:00:51,312 --> 02:00:53,542
I mean, what do you think of my sketches?
1779
02:00:53,632 --> 02:00:57,387
- Well, I like them long.
- Then you'll love the lift boy.
1780
02:00:57,472 --> 02:00:59,349
Arrrrgh, Jim lad!
1781
02:00:59,432 --> 02:01:01,105
Arrrrgh, Jim lad.
1782
02:01:02,912 --> 02:01:04,346
He's late today.
1783
02:01:25,712 --> 02:01:29,103
- Why did he do that?
- He's Jewish.
1784
02:01:29,192 --> 02:01:31,069
He can't stand Arab sheiks.
1785
02:01:31,152 --> 02:01:33,143
Or, for that matter, milkshakes.
1786
02:01:33,232 --> 02:01:34,666
Arrrrgh, Jim lad!
1787
02:01:34,752 --> 02:01:37,028
- It's catching.
- Arrrrgh, Jim lad!
1788
02:01:37,112 --> 02:01:38,750
Arrrrgh, Jim lad!
1789
02:01:38,832 --> 02:01:39,947
Arrrrgh, Jim lad!
1790
02:01:40,032 --> 02:01:43,423
Arrrrgh, Jim lad!
Arrrrgh, Jim lad!
1791
02:01:49,312 --> 02:01:50,507
Ladies and gentlemen,
1792
02:01:50,592 --> 02:01:52,981
owing to an outbreak
of "Arrrrgh, Jim lad!"
1793
02:01:53,072 --> 02:01:55,541
And attacks by Jewish waiters
on a couple of Arabs,
1794
02:01:55,632 --> 02:01:59,148
plus snow on high ground,
this sketch has come to an end.
1795
02:01:59,232 --> 02:02:00,791
Arrrrgh, emu lad!
1796
02:02:00,872 --> 02:02:02,431
Arrrrgh, emu!
1797
02:02:03,912 --> 02:02:05,869
Stop! Stop! Stop!
1798
02:02:05,952 --> 02:02:07,545
Stop! No, stop!
1799
02:02:07,632 --> 02:02:08,986
- The sketch is over.
- Oh.
1800
02:02:09,072 --> 02:02:12,508
- I thought it was very good.
- I thought it was rather splendid...
1801
02:02:30,512 --> 02:02:33,391
♪ I couldn't wait to tell you
1802
02:02:33,472 --> 02:02:36,544
♪ A letter would take too long
1803
02:02:36,632 --> 02:02:38,987
♪ I even planned to send a telegram
1804
02:02:39,072 --> 02:02:42,224
♪ But it's better just to sing a song
1805
02:02:43,312 --> 02:02:46,384
♪ I couldn't wait to tell you
1806
02:02:46,472 --> 02:02:49,464
♪ I had to run all the way
1807
02:02:49,552 --> 02:02:52,624
♪ I caught you in, now let me catch my wind
1808
02:02:52,712 --> 02:02:55,943
♪ Cos I only want a chance to say
1809
02:02:56,032 --> 02:02:59,070
♪ That I love you like a man loves a woman
1810
02:02:59,152 --> 02:03:02,429
♪ I love you like a mountain loves sky
1811
02:03:02,512 --> 02:03:05,504
♪ You belong inside a great love song
1812
02:03:05,592 --> 02:03:08,550
♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die
1813
02:03:08,632 --> 02:03:11,943
♪ I love you like a man loves a woman
1814
02:03:12,032 --> 02:03:14,831
♪ I love you like a mountain loves sky
1815
02:03:14,912 --> 02:03:18,143
♪ Ah, you belong inside a great love song
1816
02:03:18,232 --> 02:03:21,907
♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die-ie-ie-ie
1817
02:03:21,992 --> 02:03:24,552
♪ You belong inside a great love song
1818
02:03:24,632 --> 02:03:27,511
♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die
1819
02:03:41,312 --> 02:03:43,906
♪ Maybe you think I'm crazy
1820
02:03:43,992 --> 02:03:47,348
♪ For waking you up this way
1821
02:03:47,432 --> 02:03:50,390
♪ But now you're up just have another cup
1822
02:03:50,472 --> 02:03:54,022
♪ Cos there's something that I want to say
1823
02:03:54,112 --> 02:03:57,150
♪ I couldn't wait to tell you
1824
02:03:57,232 --> 02:03:59,826
♪ I wish I knew how to fly
1825
02:03:59,912 --> 02:04:03,507
♪ I'd tell it not to rain I'd buy an aeroplane
1826
02:04:03,592 --> 02:04:06,630
♪ And I'd ride it clear across the sky
1827
02:04:06,712 --> 02:04:10,068
♪ And I love you like a man loves a woman
1828
02:04:10,152 --> 02:04:13,304
♪ I love you like a mountain loves sky
1829
02:04:13,392 --> 02:04:16,271
♪ You belong inside a great love song
1830
02:04:16,352 --> 02:04:19,788
♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die
1831
02:04:19,872 --> 02:04:22,785
♪ I love you like a man loves a woman
1832
02:04:22,872 --> 02:04:25,785
♪ I love you like a mountain loves sky
1833
02:04:25,872 --> 02:04:28,910
♪ Ah, you belong inside a great love song
1834
02:04:28,992 --> 02:04:32,622
♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die-ie-ie-ie
1835
02:04:32,712 --> 02:04:35,386
♪ You belong inside a great love song
1836
02:04:35,472 --> 02:04:38,385
♪ And I'll sing it till the day I die ♪
1837
02:05:11,312 --> 02:05:13,747
Erm, I don't need the money.
1838
02:05:13,832 --> 02:05:16,301
But...
..Ed writes all these tunes,
1839
02:05:16,392 --> 02:05:17,666
and he's written this tune.
1840
02:05:17,752 --> 02:05:20,028
There's an LP which has come out,
1841
02:05:20,112 --> 02:05:22,831
and it's not very well publicised.
1842
02:05:22,912 --> 02:05:27,383
So, for his sake, I'll tell you, it's called
Q8, Fun Songs, and it's a very good record.
1843
02:05:27,472 --> 02:05:30,066
As I say, he needs the money, I don't.
1844
02:05:42,312 --> 02:05:44,144
Ah.
1845
02:05:48,032 --> 02:05:51,070
♪ If you want to know the time
ask a policeman ♪
1846
02:05:52,512 --> 02:05:53,866
Ah.
1847
02:05:53,952 --> 02:05:56,626
'Elo, 'elo.
Somebody's nicked my watch.
1848
02:06:05,272 --> 02:06:07,946
This is PC-102 reporting.
1849
02:06:10,272 --> 02:06:11,785
This is my position.
1850
02:06:11,872 --> 02:06:13,670
I am skint.
1851
02:06:15,352 --> 02:06:18,071
♪ Theme from The Onedin Line
1852
02:06:39,152 --> 02:06:41,587
On the marks. On the marks, here.
1853
02:06:41,672 --> 02:06:43,629
- Didn't get much, did it?
- No.
1854
02:06:43,712 --> 02:06:47,467
Right. Ah! Number Ten Downing Street.
1855
02:06:47,552 --> 02:06:49,589
Seat of our Prime Monster.
1856
02:06:51,152 --> 02:06:52,825
As envisaged by the Labour Party.
1857
02:06:52,912 --> 02:06:56,462
I have to say that to cover up
this crummy, grotty, economal BBC set.
1858
02:06:58,952 --> 02:07:00,989
Hey. Evening dress.
1859
02:07:01,072 --> 02:07:03,791
Evening, all.
1860
02:07:03,872 --> 02:07:09,902
"Ha-ha-ha. I am a merry lollipop man.
1861
02:07:09,992 --> 02:07:12,302
I stop children."
1862
02:07:15,832 --> 02:07:20,622
Here, don't you wish
you could've given me that part?
1863
02:07:27,072 --> 02:07:29,791
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is no way to entertain
1864
02:07:29,872 --> 02:07:32,591
a vast television audience
of over 12 people.
1865
02:07:34,672 --> 02:07:37,471
Fortunately, I feel a song coming on.
1866
02:07:37,552 --> 02:07:39,862
♪ Ahhhh... ♪
1867
02:07:39,952 --> 02:07:43,786
"Here! Pray, where do you feel it?"
1868
02:07:43,872 --> 02:07:45,909
Well, last night...
1869
02:07:48,912 --> 02:07:51,870
...I was feeling it round
the back of the jam factory.
1870
02:07:51,952 --> 02:07:55,183
- £4.50.
- "What's that for?"
1871
02:07:55,272 --> 02:07:57,468
Money for jam.
1872
02:08:11,232 --> 02:08:13,382
- Do not adjust your...
- "You'll never..."
1873
02:08:13,472 --> 02:08:15,986
Do not adjust your sets!
Right, now the line.
1874
02:08:18,392 --> 02:08:22,067
"You'll never hit it with those
barrels pointed upwards."
1875
02:08:22,152 --> 02:08:24,428
I was not pointing to kill.
1876
02:08:24,512 --> 02:08:26,105
I was pointing to live.
1877
02:08:26,192 --> 02:08:29,310
Anyway, it's cruel to shoot
moggies up the bum.
1878
02:08:30,832 --> 02:08:32,789
But it's fun.
1879
02:08:32,872 --> 02:08:35,148
Does overacting.
1880
02:08:38,872 --> 02:08:41,386
Zee cheque...
1881
02:08:41,472 --> 02:08:43,827
Zee cheque is in Zee post.
1882
02:08:46,952 --> 02:08:50,183
Ah. Bon jury, manure.
1883
02:08:51,552 --> 02:08:55,102
I have reason to believe that
you are direct descendent
1884
02:08:55,192 --> 02:08:57,103
of Napoleon Bones-apart
1885
02:08:57,192 --> 02:08:59,547
- Oui, oui.
- Well, hurry up.
1886
02:09:00,792 --> 02:09:02,703
Right, we have come to apologise.
1887
02:09:02,792 --> 02:09:06,581
You don't have to apologise for my "oui-oui".
1888
02:09:06,672 --> 02:09:09,869
No, we were not going
to apologise for your "yes-yes".
1889
02:09:09,952 --> 02:09:12,671
That's cleaned the joke up.
1890
02:09:12,752 --> 02:09:15,028
And killed it stone dead in the process.
1891
02:09:15,112 --> 02:09:18,628
No, we have come here
about your battle of...
1892
02:09:28,512 --> 02:09:29,991
Of Waterloo.
1893
02:09:30,072 --> 02:09:32,143
My "water-loo"?
1894
02:09:32,232 --> 02:09:34,872
Ah! Zee plumber!
1895
02:09:34,952 --> 02:09:37,546
You have come about my ballcock.
1896
02:09:37,632 --> 02:09:40,545
- No, cock.
- Oh.
1897
02:09:40,632 --> 02:09:44,626
You see, I am a distant relative
of the Duke of Wellington.
1898
02:09:44,712 --> 02:09:47,352
- Distant?
- Yes, I live in Australia.
1899
02:09:47,432 --> 02:09:51,221
And the way that joke went,
I wish I was there now.
1900
02:09:51,312 --> 02:09:55,624
- So fancy you!
- He fancies me, does he?
1901
02:09:57,272 --> 02:09:59,309
Beware, sinful Spike...
1902
02:10:00,312 --> 02:10:03,668
- Right, now...
- Beware, sinful Spike Millington,
1903
02:10:03,752 --> 02:10:06,266
this "continued..." house
1904
02:10:06,352 --> 02:10:09,788
is in the clutches of
the permissive society."
1905
02:10:11,352 --> 02:10:14,708
No, it isn't.
It's in the clutches of the building society.
1906
02:10:14,792 --> 02:10:17,261
- Are you with him?
- No, I'm with the Woolwich.
1907
02:10:18,912 --> 02:10:22,951
And that awful girl on the television
that goes: "Good morning!"
1908
02:10:24,072 --> 02:10:27,508
Now, I've come on behalf
of the British Empire...
1909
02:10:27,592 --> 02:10:28,991
"Good morning!"
1910
02:10:29,072 --> 02:10:30,745
...on the behalf of the British Empire
1911
02:10:30,832 --> 02:10:34,223
to apologise
for what we done to you at Waterloo.
1912
02:10:34,312 --> 02:10:35,461
At...
1913
02:10:35,552 --> 02:10:37,748
All right, thanks for the prompt.
1914
02:10:42,432 --> 02:10:43,706
It's 1812!
1915
02:10:43,792 --> 02:10:46,102
No, it isn't. It's 09:40.
1916
02:10:46,192 --> 02:10:48,832
I cannot remember zee battle.
'Ow did it go?
1917
02:10:48,912 --> 02:10:50,027
It went like this.
1918
02:10:50,112 --> 02:10:51,830
Bang.
1919
02:10:51,912 --> 02:10:53,823
Bang, bang.
1920
02:10:53,912 --> 02:10:56,552
Those were the English bullets.
1921
02:10:56,632 --> 02:11:00,591
Le bang. Haw-haw-haw, le bang!
1922
02:11:00,672 --> 02:11:02,151
Er, what is that?
1923
02:11:02,232 --> 02:11:04,667
They were the French firing back.
1924
02:11:04,752 --> 02:11:08,222
"If they had fired forwards,
they would've won."
1925
02:11:12,352 --> 02:11:14,502
Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Clare,
1926
02:11:14,592 --> 02:11:17,425
the only man who needs a guide dog
to put on his underpants.
1927
02:11:18,832 --> 02:11:22,188
"Whinny, whinny, clippity-clop.
1928
02:11:22,272 --> 02:11:25,628
Straaaain, splat."
1929
02:11:25,712 --> 02:11:27,066
What is that?
1930
02:11:27,152 --> 02:11:30,941
That's a frightened French horse
dropping his bit.
1931
02:11:31,032 --> 02:11:34,343
"Clash, poke, thrust, scream."
1932
02:11:34,432 --> 02:11:35,831
That's a cavalry charge.
1933
02:11:35,912 --> 02:11:37,061
"£4.10."
1934
02:11:37,152 --> 02:11:39,223
That's the surcharge.
1935
02:11:39,312 --> 02:11:42,350
"Pardon me. Does this bus go to Catford?"
1936
02:11:42,432 --> 02:11:43,911
Mrs Ada Grollix.
1937
02:11:43,992 --> 02:11:45,665
What was she doing at Waterloo?
1938
02:11:45,752 --> 02:11:47,550
- Catching the bus to Catford.
- Oh!
1939
02:11:59,592 --> 02:12:02,664
Mrs Thatcher! Mrs Thatcher! Mrs Thatcher!
1940
02:12:02,752 --> 02:12:05,744
I've come to tell you that
this sketch is dying a death!
1941
02:12:05,832 --> 02:12:08,028
Oh, no!
1942
02:12:08,112 --> 02:12:11,025
Now the bad news; it's raining Arabs.
1943
02:12:13,192 --> 02:12:15,308
I'll have to put this down in my book.
1944
02:12:15,392 --> 02:12:18,384
Bad news! Bad news!
The country is rudderless!
1945
02:12:18,472 --> 02:12:21,703
Mrs Thatcher has been swallowed
by a python!
1946
02:12:24,232 --> 02:12:27,907
Hello? Mrs Thatcher?
Hello? Can you hear me?
1947
02:12:27,992 --> 02:12:31,348
Can you carry on governing
the country from inside there?
1948
02:12:31,432 --> 02:12:34,185
Come in, sketch number 29.
1949
02:12:34,272 --> 02:12:36,468
What are we gonna do now?
1950
02:12:36,552 --> 02:12:37,872
What are we gonna do now?
1951
02:12:37,952 --> 02:12:40,341
Come along, my pretty ones, off we go!
1952
02:12:40,432 --> 02:12:42,423
Woof, woof! Woof!
1953
02:12:42,512 --> 02:12:46,142
Woof! Come along, now!
1954
02:12:46,232 --> 02:12:48,621
- I say, I say, I say!
- What do you say?
1955
02:12:48,712 --> 02:12:50,783
- My dog has no nose.
- How does he smell?
1956
02:12:50,872 --> 02:12:51,987
Terrible.
1957
02:12:52,072 --> 02:12:54,348
- I say, I say, I say!
- What do you say?
1958
02:12:54,432 --> 02:12:56,582
- My dog has no nose.
- How does he smell?
1959
02:12:56,672 --> 02:12:57,787
Terrible.
1960
02:12:57,872 --> 02:13:00,022
- I say, I say, I say!
- What do you say?
1961
02:13:00,112 --> 02:13:01,864
- My dog has no nose.
- How does he smell?
1962
02:13:01,952 --> 02:13:04,023
- Terrible.
- What are we doing?
1963
02:13:04,112 --> 02:13:06,183
Running gags. I say, I say, I say!
1964
02:13:06,272 --> 02:13:08,707
- Where does Hitler hide his armies?
- I don't know...
1965
02:13:15,512 --> 02:13:18,470
Hello, camera three.
1966
02:13:18,552 --> 02:13:21,146
Friend of the ugly.
1967
02:13:21,232 --> 02:13:23,462
My name is...
1968
02:13:24,592 --> 02:13:26,742
It'll come to me in a minute.
1969
02:13:26,832 --> 02:13:28,425
It'll come to me in a minute!
1970
02:13:28,512 --> 02:13:31,391
Lucille Crapologies!
1971
02:13:31,472 --> 02:13:35,466
It's come to me in less than a minute.
1972
02:13:35,552 --> 02:13:39,989
My name is Lucille Crapology.
In 15 seconds.
1973
02:13:40,072 --> 02:13:43,861
And I am in The Radio Times!
1974
02:13:45,952 --> 02:13:48,466
Here I am.
1975
02:13:48,552 --> 02:13:51,066
"Also appearing, Blob Todd"?
1976
02:13:53,952 --> 02:13:56,865
Oh, they have not mentioned me.
1977
02:13:56,952 --> 02:14:00,468
But I assure you, I am the manger
1978
02:14:00,552 --> 02:14:05,069
of this exclusive Bond Street cigar ship.
1979
02:14:10,632 --> 02:14:15,832
I hear a recording of
a customer approaches.
1980
02:14:17,312 --> 02:14:19,383
And goes right past.
1981
02:14:20,592 --> 02:14:23,345
Hah-arrrgh!
1982
02:14:23,432 --> 02:14:26,311
Alan lad! Alan lad!
1983
02:14:26,392 --> 02:14:27,621
Pieces of eight!
1984
02:14:27,712 --> 02:14:30,022
With inflation, pieces of ten!
1985
02:14:30,112 --> 02:14:33,707
Good heavens! It's Long John Silver!
1986
02:14:33,792 --> 02:14:36,511
Played by Short John Bluthal.
1987
02:14:37,712 --> 02:14:40,386
Ahoy out there!
1988
02:14:40,472 --> 02:14:43,271
And ahoy in here.
1989
02:14:43,352 --> 02:14:45,468
This is...
1990
02:14:48,272 --> 02:14:51,025
This is one of my sea legs.
1991
02:14:51,112 --> 02:14:53,069
Now you see it.
1992
02:14:53,152 --> 02:14:56,190
Now you don't!
1993
02:14:56,272 --> 02:14:58,468
Waits for laughs. Doesn't get much.
1994
02:14:58,552 --> 02:15:03,308
So curses audience and says
"Bum!" to audience!
1995
02:15:03,392 --> 02:15:06,430
All except The Goon Show
Preservation Society!
1996
02:15:08,352 --> 02:15:10,707
Like a good trouper,
comes through smiling.
1997
02:15:19,792 --> 02:15:21,624
Right. Where am I?
1998
02:15:21,712 --> 02:15:24,943
♪ Riding along on the crest of a wave... ♪
1999
02:15:28,712 --> 02:15:31,625
♪ We're riding along
on the crest of a wave
2000
02:15:31,712 --> 02:15:35,467
♪ And the sun is in the sky ♪
2001
02:15:35,552 --> 02:15:37,384
Ahoy!
2002
02:15:40,792 --> 02:15:43,022
Don't tell me!
2003
02:15:48,672 --> 02:15:50,788
It's Arnold Palmer!
2004
02:15:50,872 --> 02:15:53,182
No! No. Nelson.
2005
02:15:53,272 --> 02:15:55,229
Nelson Palmer!
2006
02:15:55,312 --> 02:15:56,746
No, you nit!
2007
02:15:56,832 --> 02:15:58,311
No. Nelson.
2008
02:15:58,392 --> 02:16:01,066
- Is it a riddle?
- Nothing falling out.
2009
02:16:02,992 --> 02:16:04,790
No. I'm not Nelson Riddle!
2010
02:16:04,872 --> 02:16:07,261
I'll give you some mime.
2011
02:16:07,352 --> 02:16:09,821
Oh! Kiss me, Hardy. Kiss me...
2012
02:16:09,912 --> 02:16:12,142
No, you twit!
2013
02:16:12,232 --> 02:16:13,905
Ooh... No! Oh, no!
2014
02:16:13,992 --> 02:16:16,108
I am Nelson!
2015
02:16:17,112 --> 02:16:19,183
Ah! And him?
2016
02:16:19,272 --> 02:16:21,991
Half Nelson.
2017
02:16:22,072 --> 02:16:25,861
All right, you got the laugh.
Here's your money.
2018
02:16:25,952 --> 02:16:27,067
Peanuts!
2019
02:16:27,152 --> 02:16:29,109
That's what we get paid round here.
2020
02:16:29,192 --> 02:16:30,865
Off you go.
2021
02:16:30,952 --> 02:16:32,704
Give my love to the little woman.
2022
02:16:35,192 --> 02:16:36,262
Now!
2023
02:16:36,352 --> 02:16:39,026
♪ Oh, I'm riding along on the crest of a... ♪
2024
02:16:39,112 --> 02:16:40,989
Camera three. Right. Right.
2025
02:16:46,552 --> 02:16:49,305
Now, we want to see"
2026
02:16:49,392 --> 02:16:50,951
We want to see a pair of shoes.
2027
02:16:51,032 --> 02:16:52,830
Certainly, sir!
2028
02:16:54,392 --> 02:16:56,224
- What size?
- Eight and a half.
2029
02:16:56,312 --> 02:16:57,985
23 and a quarter.
2030
02:17:00,032 --> 02:17:02,751
Who's the eight and a half?
2031
02:17:03,752 --> 02:17:05,789
Me. That fooled you, didn't it?
2032
02:17:05,872 --> 02:17:07,749
Didn't get a laugh but it fooled you.
2033
02:17:07,832 --> 02:17:09,425
- Mr Nelson.
- Yes?
2034
02:17:09,512 --> 02:17:11,423
You want one size eight and a half
2035
02:17:11,512 --> 02:17:13,389
and one size 23 and a quarter.
2036
02:17:13,472 --> 02:17:16,305
Yes.
2037
02:17:16,392 --> 02:17:18,906
That means I will have
to break up two pairs!
2038
02:17:18,992 --> 02:17:21,984
Right!
2039
02:17:22,072 --> 02:17:23,745
Whack it. Right.
2040
02:17:30,032 --> 02:17:32,865
He doesn't understand.
2041
02:17:32,952 --> 02:17:34,625
Nelson!
2042
02:17:34,712 --> 02:17:37,101
f
...give you...
2043
02:17:37,192 --> 02:17:39,832
one pair eight and a half
2044
02:17:39,912 --> 02:17:42,062
and one pair 25 and a quarter,
2045
02:17:42,152 --> 02:17:44,382
do you realise what that will leave me with?
2046
02:17:44,472 --> 02:17:46,031
An identical pair.
2047
02:17:46,112 --> 02:17:48,831
Right, and now the trick I wanna...
2048
02:17:48,912 --> 02:17:52,542
♪ I'm riding along on the crest of a wave
2049
02:17:52,632 --> 02:17:54,350
♪ And the sun is in the sky ♪
2050
02:17:54,432 --> 02:17:56,992
Now, that parrot.
2051
02:17:57,072 --> 02:17:59,348
Come on, Lady Dartmouth!
Watch this, parrot.
2052
02:17:59,432 --> 02:18:01,264
Keep still, parrot. Keep still.
2053
02:18:01,352 --> 02:18:02,865
Keep still, Polly. Now, then.
2054
02:18:02,952 --> 02:18:05,228
Now, come on, Lady Dartmouth.
Allez... Now!
2055
02:18:19,992 --> 02:18:23,622
Sorry, the er... the sketch is over.
2056
02:18:23,712 --> 02:18:25,783
I came to arrest you
for killing a cockatoo.
2057
02:18:25,872 --> 02:18:28,307
I didn't kill two, I only killed one.
2058
02:18:28,392 --> 02:18:30,906
Ladies and gentlemen,
owing to the death of that parrot
2059
02:18:30,992 --> 02:18:32,346
and that ghastly silence,
2060
02:18:32,432 --> 02:18:34,946
it is now a deadly day of mourning.
2061
02:18:35,032 --> 02:18:36,750
Oh!
2062
02:18:36,832 --> 02:18:38,425
Who's a pretty Polly, then?
2063
02:18:38,512 --> 02:18:39,707
Oh!
2064
02:18:39,792 --> 02:18:41,703
Who's a pretty Polly, then?
2065
02:18:41,792 --> 02:18:43,385
Oh!
2066
02:18:43,472 --> 02:18:46,146
Who's a pretty Polly, then? Oh...
2067
02:18:51,312 --> 02:18:53,542
A Mr Jonathan King, a tree surgeon,
2068
02:18:53,632 --> 02:18:56,590
was injured today
when he fell out of a patient.
2069
02:19:00,832 --> 02:19:03,221
He was rushed to Kew Gardens.
2070
02:19:03,312 --> 02:19:05,110
Asked if he was under observation,
2071
02:19:05,192 --> 02:19:08,628
a spokesman said, "No, he's under a tree."
2072
02:19:08,712 --> 02:19:12,182
This Jonathan King is no relation
to the other Jonathan King,
2073
02:19:12,272 --> 02:19:14,502
who wasn't mentioned earlier on.
2074
02:19:16,112 --> 02:19:19,992
At Bow Street last night,
police charged a drunken football supporter.
2075
02:19:20,072 --> 02:19:22,188
The impact knocked him over.
2076
02:19:26,152 --> 02:19:29,270
The BBC programme award
for outstanding features
2077
02:19:29,352 --> 02:19:33,061
was won by Esther Rantzen's teeth.
2078
02:19:33,152 --> 02:19:35,428
In an attempt to sell British cars overseas,
2079
02:19:35,512 --> 02:19:38,391
the Minister of Transport drove
to the Japanese Embassy
2080
02:19:38,472 --> 02:19:39,951
in a Rolls-Royce.
2081
02:19:40,032 --> 02:19:44,265
After four hours of successful talks,
he came back in a Honda.
2082
02:19:47,952 --> 02:19:49,545
In a remarkable operation,
2083
02:19:49,632 --> 02:19:53,512
surgeons have sewn a severed leg
onto a 67-year-old woman.
2084
02:19:53,592 --> 02:19:58,268
She is suing them because
she already had two.
2085
02:20:01,592 --> 02:20:06,666
Barbara Cartland is 48 today
for the sixth time.
2086
02:20:06,752 --> 02:20:08,584
Asked how she retained her youth,
2087
02:20:08,672 --> 02:20:11,391
she said she kept him
locked in the bedroom.
2088
02:20:11,472 --> 02:20:13,429
And that is the end of the news.
2089
02:20:16,992 --> 02:20:18,665
Aaargh!
2090
02:21:08,705 --> 02:21:10,855
Ready?
2091
02:21:10,945 --> 02:21:12,697
Take aim.
2092
02:21:13,345 --> 02:21:15,302
Fire.
2093
02:21:50,185 --> 02:21:53,462
Good evening. Here's the news.
2094
02:21:53,545 --> 02:21:56,344
The Queen's official Rolls Royce
has been missing.
2095
02:21:56,425 --> 02:21:59,019
Prince Philip says he thinks it's the plugs.
2096
02:22:04,985 --> 02:22:09,422
Rome. Rome. 280,000 people assembled
in Saint Peter's Square
2097
02:22:09,505 --> 02:22:11,621
to see the Pope appear on the balcony.
2098
02:22:11,705 --> 02:22:14,015
The Pope, for his part,
appeared on the balcony
2099
02:22:14,105 --> 02:22:17,097
and saw 280,000 people
appear in Saint Peter's Square.
2100
02:22:21,985 --> 02:22:24,738
News again of the great train robber
Ronald Biggs.
2101
02:22:24,825 --> 02:22:28,784
He's opened a little tobacconist's
in Rio de Janeiro. He used a crowbar.
2102
02:22:32,265 --> 02:22:36,259
After the defeat of John McEnroe
in the hard court tennis championships,
2103
02:22:36,345 --> 02:22:39,576
his trainer explains his protege
had been training on grass.
2104
02:22:39,665 --> 02:22:41,781
He'd been smoking
about eight ounces a day.
2105
02:22:43,185 --> 02:22:46,382
Tennis. English tennis.
2106
02:22:46,465 --> 02:22:49,662
After the sad demise of
the English tennis players at Wimbledon,
2107
02:22:49,745 --> 02:22:52,897
Mrs Thatcher mounted a rescue operation
and rode it away.
2108
02:22:52,985 --> 02:22:56,376
But the whole idea is to put English tennis
back where it belongs.
2109
02:22:56,465 --> 02:22:59,218
On the football pitch.
Seriously, though, folks.
2110
02:22:59,305 --> 02:23:02,024
Fred Perry has introduced
a new formidable technique
2111
02:23:02,105 --> 02:23:05,302
which will guarantee
English players will win. Hallelujah!
2112
02:23:10,665 --> 02:23:12,656
30-love.
2113
02:23:14,745 --> 02:23:16,736
40-love.
2114
02:23:18,625 --> 02:23:20,821
Game.
2115
02:23:20,905 --> 02:23:22,782
Game to Tracy Austin.
2116
02:23:27,625 --> 02:23:29,218
Game to King George V.
2117
02:23:32,825 --> 02:23:34,816
Love-40.
2118
02:23:38,945 --> 02:23:41,459
Game to Mrs Birch and Wade.
2119
02:23:47,945 --> 02:23:49,936
30-love.
2120
02:23:52,545 --> 02:23:54,536
40-love.
2121
02:23:58,665 --> 02:24:00,622
Game to Owen Faulkner.
2122
02:24:06,025 --> 02:24:08,141
30-love.
2123
02:24:11,585 --> 02:24:14,862
40-love.
2124
02:24:20,065 --> 02:24:22,818
Game to erm... him.
2125
02:24:25,265 --> 02:24:26,858
30-love.
2126
02:24:30,345 --> 02:24:31,699
40-love.
2127
02:24:33,145 --> 02:24:35,136
Game to Sadist and Monster.
2128
02:24:36,385 --> 02:24:39,696
Cox to serve. Quiet, please.
2129
02:24:46,345 --> 02:24:50,703
Game, set and penal servitude
to Mark Cox.
2130
02:24:50,785 --> 02:24:54,460
"Now under threat of death..."
2131
02:24:56,585 --> 02:25:01,944
"..libel and the sulks,
here is a John Antrobus sketch."
2132
02:25:16,025 --> 02:25:18,904
Stop that clicking! Stop that clicking.
2133
02:25:18,985 --> 02:25:21,295
You'll all go blind.
2134
02:25:24,585 --> 02:25:29,580
Listen. You are all extraordinary insects
that have come here to be auditioned
2135
02:25:29,665 --> 02:25:32,464
for David Attenborough, aren't you?
2136
02:25:32,545 --> 02:25:35,537
Right. Well, I'm sorry,
David is not with us now.
2137
02:25:35,625 --> 02:25:39,778
David is away, having his legs shaved
for the next series.
2138
02:25:41,345 --> 02:25:44,815
The next series is a sequel to Life On Earth
called Hell On Earth.
2139
02:25:44,905 --> 02:25:48,899
Subtitle: Trapped For 24 Hours In A Lift
With Ian Paisley.
2140
02:25:50,705 --> 02:25:54,061
Now, then. Stop that clicking!
2141
02:25:54,145 --> 02:25:56,136
Stop that clicking. Now, then.
2142
02:26:00,505 --> 02:26:03,896
- What are you?
- I'm a dung beetle.
2143
02:26:06,065 --> 02:26:08,978
Of course. You roll your own, don't you?
2144
02:26:10,145 --> 02:26:13,661
- Here are my cuttings.
- Ah, press cuttings, I see.
2145
02:26:13,745 --> 02:26:17,261
"Played the clapper in the bells."
How did that go?
2146
02:26:17,345 --> 02:26:21,225
Dung. Dung.
2147
02:26:21,305 --> 02:26:26,334
Hey, hey. Sarge? I was told that
David Attenborough was looking
2148
02:26:26,425 --> 02:26:29,941
- for a rare type of Australian grub.
- So?
2149
02:26:30,025 --> 02:26:34,064
So anyway, I got him
some oysters Kilpatrick.
2150
02:26:34,145 --> 02:26:38,821
They killed Patrick, did they?
They certainly killed that gag.
2151
02:26:40,945 --> 02:26:43,903
Stop that clicking! Stop it, you.
2152
02:26:43,985 --> 02:26:47,023
You horrible-looking thing, you.
2153
02:26:50,385 --> 02:26:53,582
You look like you crawled out
from under a stone.
2154
02:26:53,665 --> 02:26:55,656
What's your name? Bianca Jagger?
2155
02:27:02,225 --> 02:27:05,980
No. I am a stag beetle.
2156
02:27:06,065 --> 02:27:08,898
I see.
You've just come from a party, have you?
2157
02:27:13,225 --> 02:27:15,694
Who said insects
haven't got any sense of humour?
2158
02:27:15,785 --> 02:27:18,140
Didn't I see you in the X film?
2159
02:27:18,225 --> 02:27:20,182
Yes, that's why I'm an ex-actor.
2160
02:27:20,265 --> 02:27:24,224
You see, I was appearing
in The Ten Commandments.
2161
02:27:24,305 --> 02:27:27,138
Mine was, "Thou shalt not bite Moses
up the bum."
2162
02:27:28,945 --> 02:27:30,743
I mean, which commandment was it?
2163
02:27:30,825 --> 02:27:33,704
Oh, that was number 11.
It never went on public release.
2164
02:27:33,785 --> 02:27:37,141
What I was doing, really, me...
2165
02:27:39,745 --> 02:27:45,343
Me and the other soldier ants were all
crawling up Charlton Heston's legs
2166
02:27:45,425 --> 02:27:48,065
and were told to eat everything in our path.
2167
02:27:55,065 --> 02:27:56,738
So...
2168
02:27:58,145 --> 02:28:01,024
...when we were just getting up
to the interesting bits,
2169
02:28:01,105 --> 02:28:06,179
he'd say, "Stop. Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbours' goods!"
2170
02:28:07,225 --> 02:28:10,183
I say, I remember that picture.
2171
02:28:10,265 --> 02:28:13,895
Charlton Heston was making love to er...
who's the Sheila with the big boobs?
2172
02:28:13,985 --> 02:28:18,183
The one in this country who makes
the biggest boobs is Mrs Thatcher.
2173
02:28:18,905 --> 02:28:21,055
- No, no, it was Raquel Welch.
- Raquel Welch?
2174
02:28:21,145 --> 02:28:25,457
Charlton Heston, while he's making love
to her, all yous were crawling up his leg.
2175
02:28:25,545 --> 02:28:28,537
Yes. By the time we finished,
he didn't have a leg to stand on.
2176
02:28:28,625 --> 02:28:32,220
Stop that clicking! Stop that clicking.
2177
02:28:32,305 --> 02:28:38,335
Stop clicking. That was the scene where
they painted Yul Brynner's nut with treacle.
2178
02:28:38,425 --> 02:28:41,816
And he had to pretend to be a toffee apple
and he ate him.
2179
02:28:41,905 --> 02:28:45,785
Oh. Yes, yes. I didn't really eat him,
that was only pretend eating.
2180
02:28:45,865 --> 02:28:49,415
Confidentially, I'll tell you, though, I...
2181
02:28:53,905 --> 02:28:59,139
...I actually ate...
I ate the late Adolf Hitler.
2182
02:28:59,225 --> 02:29:02,297
- Oh, late, was he?
- The trains had been bombed, you see?
2183
02:29:02,385 --> 02:29:06,743
Hey, is that what you did, Sergeant?
You actually ate the old Adolf Hitler?
2184
02:29:06,825 --> 02:29:09,704
Yeah. Nothing like a nice bit of sauerkraut.
2185
02:29:11,825 --> 02:29:14,943
Silence! See, what happened was this.
2186
02:29:15,025 --> 02:29:18,097
He escaped...
2187
02:29:18,185 --> 02:29:23,578
He escaped to South America and
we found him shagged out in the jungle.
2188
02:29:23,665 --> 02:29:28,899
Is it true you neutralised him by squirting
formic acid out of your posterior?
2189
02:29:30,425 --> 02:29:33,497
Yes. And it don't half burn your bum
in the morning.
2190
02:29:38,905 --> 02:29:42,057
That's ten quid you owe me.
Now, I don't think we can top that gag.
2191
02:29:42,145 --> 02:29:45,217
Let's all click off, shall we?
2192
02:29:47,065 --> 02:29:49,864
Due to a strike at the meteorology office,
2193
02:29:49,945 --> 02:29:52,903
there will be no English weather report
this evening.
2194
02:29:52,985 --> 02:29:57,422
So over to Telefis Eireann
for the Irish weather report
2195
02:30:12,025 --> 02:30:14,016
Hello, there.
2196
02:30:16,025 --> 02:30:18,301
And that's the end of the weather.
2197
02:30:21,545 --> 02:30:24,936
That was
Professor Conor Cruise O'Brien,
2198
02:30:25,025 --> 02:30:27,778
Ireland's leading meteorologist.
2199
02:30:28,865 --> 02:30:33,336
Now you know why they have
such bloody awful weather in Ireland.
2200
02:30:34,225 --> 02:30:37,263
Ed Welch has written a tune
and I've written the words.
2201
02:30:37,345 --> 02:30:41,304
And this young lady is gonna sing it.
It's her first appearance on television.
2202
02:30:41,385 --> 02:30:43,501
Her name is Anna Raven. And mine isn't.
2203
02:30:57,905 --> 02:31:01,341
♪ Timeless time and endless days
2204
02:31:01,425 --> 02:31:04,417
♪ The world around us standing still
2205
02:31:04,505 --> 02:31:08,294
♪ Like photographs of deserted shafts
2206
02:31:08,385 --> 02:31:11,696
♪ Or the statues left on distant hills
2207
02:31:11,785 --> 02:31:15,062
♪ To ghostly strands in giant hands
2208
02:31:15,145 --> 02:31:18,183
♪ We would walk together, you and I
2209
02:31:18,745 --> 02:31:22,340
♪ And the only word from the mockingbird
2210
02:31:22,425 --> 02:31:24,462
♪ Was love
2211
02:31:26,105 --> 02:31:28,858
♪ On the words that Jesus said
2212
02:31:29,625 --> 02:31:32,458
♪ We drank the wine, we broke the bread
2213
02:31:33,185 --> 02:31:36,064
♪ And as we did, how it raised the lid
2214
02:31:36,145 --> 02:31:40,184
♪ On a summer place that went on forever
2215
02:31:40,705 --> 02:31:43,458
♪ Butterflies flew into our eyes
2216
02:31:43,545 --> 02:31:46,503
♪ And they left the colours in our hair
2217
02:31:46,585 --> 02:31:53,503
♪ While our happiness
came falling from a star
2218
02:31:53,585 --> 02:31:57,465
♪ The sheer delight of endless light
2219
02:31:57,545 --> 02:32:00,583
♪ That used to be a barren tree
2220
02:32:00,665 --> 02:32:03,976
♪ Was growing flowers overnight
2221
02:32:04,065 --> 02:32:08,024
♪ And setting them with ecstasy
2222
02:32:08,105 --> 02:32:14,704
♪ A cup of coffee from your hand
a gift of gold from Samarkand
2223
02:32:14,785 --> 02:32:18,540
♪ And did this really happen?
2224
02:32:18,625 --> 02:32:21,981
♪ Did it happen? Did it happen?
2225
02:32:22,065 --> 02:32:24,534
♪ Or was it fantasy?
2226
02:32:28,745 --> 02:32:31,976
♪ Swallows came, then they flew away
2227
02:32:32,065 --> 02:32:35,774
♪ As the early mist of autumn leaves
2228
02:32:35,865 --> 02:32:40,575
♪ Was settling slow on the afterglow
of a lasting love
2229
02:32:40,665 --> 02:32:42,781
♪ That could not die
2230
02:32:42,865 --> 02:32:45,857
♪ When suddenly on a tide-less sea
2231
02:32:45,945 --> 02:32:49,336
♪ How the glass that held us both together
2232
02:32:49,425 --> 02:32:56,297
♪ Shattered and the whole damn thing
went wrong
2233
02:32:56,385 --> 02:33:00,458
♪ 1,000 nights, 1,000 days
2234
02:33:00,545 --> 02:33:04,425
♪ Are bitter pills time can't erase
2235
02:33:04,505 --> 02:33:06,735
♪ The child we grew within us two
2236
02:33:07,465 --> 02:33:10,981
♪ Will never know our golden days
2237
02:33:11,065 --> 02:33:14,262
♪ He'll never walk or laugh and run
2238
02:33:14,345 --> 02:33:17,975
♪ Into a field, a setting sun
2239
02:33:18,065 --> 02:33:21,262
♪ And did this really happen?
2240
02:33:21,985 --> 02:33:24,943
♪ Did it happen? Did it happen?
2241
02:33:25,025 --> 02:33:27,824
♪ Or was it fantasy?
2242
02:33:28,705 --> 02:33:30,935
♪ It's just a fantasy
2243
02:33:31,825 --> 02:33:35,614
♪ Not love ♪
2244
02:33:51,225 --> 02:33:56,174
"Royal Windsor One Off Health Centre.
Lose weight and money.
2245
02:33:56,265 --> 02:34:00,020
American Express, Access, Visa,
Green Shield Stamps, Luncheon Vouchers,
2246
02:34:00,105 --> 02:34:01,823
articles of clothing and furniture.
2247
02:34:01,905 --> 02:34:03,339
All welcome.
2248
02:34:03,425 --> 02:34:07,737
Prop "hm" the Queen and Adolf Hitler."
2249
02:34:09,065 --> 02:34:10,863
That must be the plot.
2250
02:34:10,945 --> 02:34:12,936
♪ Greensleeves
2251
02:34:21,625 --> 02:34:26,904
Good evening and er...
stop that ridiculous music.
2252
02:34:29,025 --> 02:34:32,655
I am what the BBC make-up department
2253
02:34:32,745 --> 02:34:38,661
fondly believe to be Huw Wheldon OBE
and pan stick.
2254
02:34:39,665 --> 02:34:42,418
I am standing outside...
2255
02:34:49,345 --> 02:34:54,374
"Outside Windsor Castle,
waiting for a peerage
2256
02:34:54,465 --> 02:34:56,741
or an idea for a new book.
2257
02:34:57,705 --> 02:35:01,539
I'm not quite sure of either title
2258
02:35:01,625 --> 02:35:05,823
but the book will be
in the neighbourhood of £28.
2259
02:35:05,905 --> 02:35:09,421
So I'm glad I don't live
in that neighbourhood.
2260
02:35:09,505 --> 02:35:11,496
So up Windsor.
2261
02:35:12,465 --> 02:35:15,503
Excuse me, Your Majesty.
2262
02:35:24,825 --> 02:35:27,704
Excuse me. Your Majesty.
2263
02:35:27,785 --> 02:35:29,742
I am not Your Majesty.
2264
02:35:29,825 --> 02:35:32,544
That's her, playing the Jewish piano.
2265
02:35:34,345 --> 02:35:38,578
Will you... Will you explain to us
this new innovation?
2266
02:35:38,665 --> 02:35:44,024
Ah, well, you see, inflation
is hitting the Royal Family pretty hard.
2267
02:35:44,105 --> 02:35:51,182
So Philip and his Greek cousin, ein
taxi driver in Eating, he's going into oil.
2268
02:35:51,265 --> 02:35:54,098
- Why?
- He's rusty.
2269
02:35:54,185 --> 02:35:58,782
So what they are doing, they are talking
to Her Maj. Hello, Maj.
2270
02:35:58,865 --> 02:36:02,256
Talking about turning Windsor Castle
into ein health camp
2271
02:36:02,345 --> 02:36:05,019
so that all these overweight creeps
can come here
2272
02:36:05,105 --> 02:36:08,382
and lose weight patriotically for the Queen.
2273
02:36:08,465 --> 02:36:11,298
Schnell! Schnell!
2274
02:36:12,705 --> 02:36:14,855
Here, guards.
2275
02:36:15,625 --> 02:36:18,378
Schnell! Schnell!
2276
02:36:18,465 --> 02:36:20,422
Get out! Get out!
2277
02:36:20,505 --> 02:36:22,462
Another BBC cutback.
2278
02:36:22,545 --> 02:36:26,425
Ah! Here comes a crowd of people now.
2279
02:36:28,785 --> 02:36:31,664
We have ways and means
of making you lose weight here.
2280
02:36:31,745 --> 02:36:34,863
We chop your legs off.
2281
02:36:34,945 --> 02:36:38,063
See? This overweight creep
has only been here one minute
2282
02:36:38,145 --> 02:36:40,785
and she's lost £30 already!
2283
02:36:41,625 --> 02:36:46,062
- Say, "Thank you, Your Majesty."
- Thank you, Your Majesty. Thank you!
2284
02:36:46,145 --> 02:36:48,182
Over here, little darling.
2285
02:36:48,265 --> 02:36:50,859
Schnell, schnell, schnell!
2286
02:36:50,945 --> 02:36:53,903
I'm schnelling her what to do.
2287
02:36:53,985 --> 02:36:56,864
Up on the "talk your weight" machine.
2288
02:37:03,545 --> 02:37:05,900
Get her off!
2289
02:37:07,465 --> 02:37:11,220
See? It's working already.
You're getting off of the weight machine.
2290
02:37:11,305 --> 02:37:15,264
The German joke was the English silence
but I will come again!
2291
02:37:15,345 --> 02:37:18,895
Now to get some more weight
off that big, fat bum of yours.
2292
02:37:21,945 --> 02:37:25,620
Don't stop me now! I might win
the Evening Standard drama award!
2293
02:37:26,945 --> 02:37:31,223
- What?
- Tell me this. Is this treatment expensive?
2294
02:37:31,305 --> 02:37:35,014
No, just painful. Have a free sample.
2295
02:37:35,105 --> 02:37:38,416
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Now, then. You BBC creep.
2296
02:37:38,505 --> 02:37:43,056
I see. Been to some more
literary luncheons, have you?
2297
02:37:44,825 --> 02:37:48,705
- You see, I...
- Don't talk yet. I will say the funny line.
2298
02:37:48,785 --> 02:37:53,382
There we are. Now, then.
Now, then, I know the line.
2299
02:37:53,465 --> 02:37:56,901
I know the line. Playing for time
cos we're under time, you see?
2300
02:37:56,985 --> 02:38:00,819
Now, then. What's the matter with you,
you BBC creep?
2301
02:38:00,905 --> 02:38:05,502
I thought it would never come.
I've got acute appendicitis.
2302
02:38:05,585 --> 02:38:09,340
Hear that? He's got appendicitis
and he thinks it's cute!
2303
02:38:09,425 --> 02:38:11,701
Tell me, where is all this money going to?
2304
02:38:11,785 --> 02:38:16,222
All this money goes
to the Duke of Edinburgh Bald Wig Fund.
2305
02:38:16,305 --> 02:38:19,821
I didn't know that
the Prince was balding fast.
2306
02:38:19,905 --> 02:38:22,101
Oh, yes. It's coming out in handfuls.
2307
02:38:22,185 --> 02:38:24,574
Especially when he comes home
late at night,
2308
02:38:24,665 --> 02:38:29,136
she says, "Where have you been?
To that bloody bunny club again?"
2309
02:38:29,225 --> 02:38:31,865
I had no idea that the Prince
was interested in rabbits.
2310
02:38:31,945 --> 02:38:36,098
Rabbits? Hairs! Hairs!
2311
02:38:36,185 --> 02:38:39,303
Pam, pam, pam! Pam Hairs!
2312
02:38:39,385 --> 02:38:43,094
See? Now, groans? Light groan?
2313
02:38:43,185 --> 02:38:46,655
You see? That is how you're late
for your groan.
2314
02:38:46,745 --> 02:38:48,702
That is how he looks now.
2315
02:38:48,785 --> 02:38:52,699
But comes three more barnies
with his missus and...
2316
02:38:54,025 --> 02:38:55,459
"the bald!
2317
02:38:55,545 --> 02:38:58,424
He can't go to parties like that,
with a head like a bare bum.
2318
02:38:58,505 --> 02:39:02,464
- Yes.
- No. He must wear the wig.
2319
02:39:02,545 --> 02:39:05,014
I see. And what kind of a wig is that?
2320
02:39:05,105 --> 02:39:06,664
Bloody awful!
2321
02:39:07,745 --> 02:39:10,703
Ein other wig here...
for playing polo.
2322
02:39:10,785 --> 02:39:13,174
The wig with a hole in.
2323
02:39:14,585 --> 02:39:18,260
- So there you have it...
- Yes. And there you have it.
2324
02:39:18,345 --> 02:39:21,224
And again. Say the lines, you creep.
2325
02:39:21,305 --> 02:39:26,584
So there you have it. A bald future staring
him in the head or... Wait for it.
2326
02:39:26,665 --> 02:39:29,020
Wait for it. Say them, say them!
2327
02:39:29,105 --> 02:39:33,736
Will the Tories turn into Whigs again?
2328
02:39:34,705 --> 02:39:38,494
Good evening. Now we have the wonderful
mystique and conjuror from Ireland,
2329
02:39:38,585 --> 02:39:41,816
Thomas O'Toole, who flew in
from Lewisham this afternoon.
2330
02:39:49,465 --> 02:39:53,459
Ladies and gentlemen, my guest for tonight
is Miss Anne Shelton.
2331
02:39:55,945 --> 02:39:59,575
Now the answer to this trick
is in this envelope.
2332
02:39:59,665 --> 02:40:02,020
Right? Hold that. Do not open it.
2333
02:40:02,105 --> 02:40:04,096
Now, then. Pick a card.
2334
02:40:05,985 --> 02:40:08,977
Don't let me see it. Tell me what it is.
2335
02:40:10,265 --> 02:40:13,144
- The three of clubs.
- Open the envelope.
2336
02:40:14,665 --> 02:40:16,497
What does it say?
2337
02:40:17,545 --> 02:40:19,582
"Correct."
2338
02:40:21,385 --> 02:40:24,662
Now, then. For my second trick...
2339
02:40:42,625 --> 02:40:45,299
Oh-oh-oh. Oh...
2340
02:40:46,625 --> 02:40:48,059
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
2341
02:40:49,865 --> 02:40:52,903
Here. That's Dave Lodge,
the Cockleshell Hero.
2342
02:40:52,985 --> 02:40:54,976
And that is the end of my part.
2343
02:40:55,065 --> 02:40:57,056
So, take this down.
2344
02:40:57,145 --> 02:41:02,094
Right? "Chelsea 2 Albion Rovers 69."
2345
02:41:02,185 --> 02:41:05,576
- Oh, blast!
- Is that with a B?
2346
02:41:07,105 --> 02:41:10,939
According to rehearsal script...
2347
02:41:21,345 --> 02:41:24,940
...Spike Milligan should come through
that doorway,
2348
02:41:25,025 --> 02:41:28,222
dressed as a working-class illness.
2349
02:41:28,305 --> 02:41:32,094
He'll be wearing a cap, a grotty raincoat,
2350
02:41:32,185 --> 02:41:35,940
1943 trousers, and carpet plimsolls.
2351
02:41:36,825 --> 02:41:38,145
Wrong.
2352
02:41:41,545 --> 02:41:44,583
I'm sorry about this, Bob.
I went in the wrong dressing room.
2353
02:41:44,665 --> 02:41:46,975
They're doing Lady Hamilton
in the next studio.
2354
02:41:47,065 --> 02:41:49,056
- Who is?
- All of them.
2355
02:41:52,665 --> 02:41:56,579
So we'll have to pretend
that I'm working-class
2356
02:41:56,665 --> 02:41:59,657
- with working-class plimsolls on, all right?
- Right. Name?
2357
02:41:59,745 --> 02:42:01,304
- Pardon?
- Name.
2358
02:42:01,385 --> 02:42:04,218
- Lord Horatio Nelson.
- You're supposed to be Bert Trousers,
2359
02:42:04,305 --> 02:42:05,704
apprentice gas fitter.
2360
02:42:05,785 --> 02:42:10,177
Ladies and gentlemen, do I look like
Bert Trousers, apprentice gas fitter?
2361
02:42:10,265 --> 02:42:12,859
- Yes!
- Just a minute. Look at this.
2362
02:42:12,945 --> 02:42:16,575
Look. Look. "Brighton 3 Hove 2."
2363
02:42:16,665 --> 02:42:18,781
We don't say "Hove, two,"
we say, "Heave to".
2364
02:42:19,905 --> 02:42:24,581
All right, then. Brighton 3 Heave 2.
Now, Lord Nelson. What is your job?
2365
02:42:24,665 --> 02:42:26,656
I'm an apprentice gas fitter.
2366
02:42:27,945 --> 02:42:31,222
Right, Lord Nelson, apprentice gas fitter.
What's your trouble?
2367
02:42:31,305 --> 02:42:35,378
It's a disability of a marital
and non-bionic nature.
2368
02:42:35,465 --> 02:42:37,979
- Would you care to amplify that?
- Amplify, yes.
2369
02:42:38,065 --> 02:42:43,094
It's a disability of a marital
and non-bionic nature.
2370
02:42:45,705 --> 02:42:47,821
Ohhhh!
2371
02:42:47,905 --> 02:42:50,977
- Look.
- What?
2372
02:42:52,345 --> 02:42:55,064
What? I'll do it again, then.
2373
02:42:55,145 --> 02:42:58,024
If we're doing everything else again,
might as well do this again.
2374
02:42:58,105 --> 02:43:00,096
Ohhhh!
2375
02:43:00,185 --> 02:43:03,701
- Yes, but what is it?
- What do you mean, what is it?
2376
02:43:03,785 --> 02:43:08,461
It's oh. You're the doctor, you diagnose it,
as you're dressed up like this, you twit.
2377
02:43:08,545 --> 02:43:10,502
- Right. Oh.
2378
02:43:10,585 --> 02:43:12,542
- Not ah. Oh!
2379
02:43:12,625 --> 02:43:18,177
- Right. Ah, here we are.
- The 15th letter of the alphabet."
2380
02:43:19,185 --> 02:43:24,658
I'm sorry to tell you that you're suffering
from the 15th letter of the alphabet.
2381
02:43:24,745 --> 02:43:26,019
Is it fatal?
2382
02:43:31,665 --> 02:43:36,899
My Lord, the French fleet are drawing nigh
and are starting to bombard us.
2383
02:43:36,985 --> 02:43:38,942
Shall we return fire?
2384
02:43:39,025 --> 02:43:41,858
Yes. Also return the Hoover
and the vacuum cleaner...
2385
02:43:42,945 --> 02:43:45,414
- ...while we're at it.
- Did you hear that, nurse?
2386
02:43:45,505 --> 02:43:49,658
- They've been at it.
- All right, then. Run up a signal.
2387
02:43:52,745 --> 02:43:58,821
England expects every man
to do as little work as possible
2388
02:43:58,905 --> 02:44:00,862
for as much lolly as possible.
2389
02:44:02,985 --> 02:44:08,663
Listen. You two lunatics cannot come
into a Harley Street office,
2390
02:44:08,745 --> 02:44:11,385
a doctor's surgery and expect...
2391
02:44:11,465 --> 02:44:13,456
Get out! Get out!
2392
02:44:16,665 --> 02:44:18,224
Get out!
2393
02:44:21,545 --> 02:44:23,456
Through the keyhole, I suppose?
2394
02:44:23,545 --> 02:44:27,504
Wait a minute! Ah, so, hello. Abracadabra!
2395
02:44:34,425 --> 02:44:36,382
I've got back protection.
2396
02:44:36,465 --> 02:44:39,901
All right, Dave. Cockleshell Heroes.
Sound effects!
2397
02:44:39,985 --> 02:44:41,942
Wheee... puff!
2398
02:44:42,385 --> 02:44:44,740
Wheee... puff!
2399
02:44:45,145 --> 02:44:47,614
A big hand for Dave Lodge,
the whistling puff!
2400
02:44:54,865 --> 02:44:58,301
45 seconds until the end of the show!
We haven't a minute to waste!
2401
02:44:58,385 --> 02:45:00,376
- Open fire!
- Bang, bang, bang!
2402
02:45:01,425 --> 02:45:03,416
Bang! Bang! Bang!
2403
02:45:09,945 --> 02:45:11,856
Aaggh! Aaagh!
2404
02:45:14,945 --> 02:45:18,734
Stop. Stop in French! Je surrender!
2405
02:45:18,825 --> 02:45:23,262
You have sunk my fleet,
you have soaked my clothes.
2406
02:45:23,345 --> 02:45:29,296
So therefore, you win the battle.
Also, you win a coconut and a teddy bear,
2407
02:45:29,385 --> 02:45:33,583
made from the hairs
of David Attenborough's legs.
2408
02:45:33,665 --> 02:45:38,296
At last, a happy ending, folks!
You can join in by applauding us.
2409
02:46:01,945 --> 02:46:04,221
Good.. evening.
2410
02:46:08,145 --> 02:46:13,379
Irish portrait painter Seamus Looney has
been commissioned to paint Prince Philip.
2411
02:46:13,465 --> 02:46:16,139
However, after one undercoat
of white emulsion,
2412
02:46:16,225 --> 02:46:19,456
The Queen said,
"I can't go out with him looking like that."
2413
02:46:20,425 --> 02:46:22,177
The death is announced of ldi Amin.
2414
02:46:22,265 --> 02:46:25,064
Doctors have described his condition
as satisfactory.
2415
02:46:32,225 --> 02:46:35,536
Japan.
2416
02:46:35,625 --> 02:46:37,980
Today Honda launched a new car.
2417
02:46:38,065 --> 02:46:40,022
It sank.
2418
02:46:41,105 --> 02:46:45,463
A rumour that Prince Charles is to marry
a Nigerian princess has been squashed.
2419
02:46:45,545 --> 02:46:47,536
They pushed her under a steamroller.
2420
02:46:47,625 --> 02:46:51,255
And that is the end of... Oh, hello, hello!
Ting-a-ling. Yes, right.
2421
02:47:00,425 --> 02:47:05,181
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last show,
the last minutes of the show.
2422
02:47:07,865 --> 02:47:10,618
Right.
2423
02:47:10,705 --> 02:47:14,175
Now. Right. In three.
2424
02:47:15,465 --> 02:47:17,422
What are we gonna do now?
2425
02:47:17,505 --> 02:47:20,623
What are we gonna do now?
2426
02:47:20,705 --> 02:47:22,696
What are we gonna do now?
182142
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