Original subtitles

Good evening.

Or if you've got choppers in a glass, good evening.

Now, many people want to know why this show is called Ku-Wait,

and I am one of them.

What's this? "Get the Abbey habit?

Have an affair with a monk."

Ohm

That was a close encounter of a thud kind.

Ah, a finger stall.

Agh! I didn't want to waste it.

Right, now I'm going to read this week's court circular.

Yesterday, the Queen opened Parliament.

Some idiot gave her a key.

Here's some more court news. Prince Philip got his caught.

And Prince Charles got his caught.

And the royal tailor has been dismissed.

A collision this morning between a car driven by Captain Mark Phillips

and one driven by the Chief Constable of Manchester.

Will anybody who saw the accident please keep their mouths shut?

And now parliamentary news.

The Minister of Health announced a tax on women over 45.

He himself admitted attacking three of them the previous night.

Anthony Wedgwood Benn announced that, from Monday,

British Leyland is to become a state registered charity.

In the Irish by-elections, 10% voted for the candidate,

20% voted against him,

and 70% marked their papers "Don't know".

The "Don't Know" candidate got in by an increased majority.

Finally, from America, we hear that,

while signing autographs in the White House,

David Frost was taken ill - his head exploded.

He's now in hospital in Washington, London and Paris.

President Nixon has promised to visit him just as soon as a fee can be arranged.

And now, finally, the tanker Highland Chief, went aground today

with 300 gallons of alcohol, creating a whisky slick 130 miles long.

The police have been called in to hold back 48,000 Scotsmen

who have volunteered to drink the beach.

Fish caught in the area are now worth £68 a bottle.

And now over to Bed Fraud for the weather.

Good evening. Well, as you know, there's been a strike in the weather bureau,

and therefore the weather report is rather restricted.

However, today, up here we should find a substantial amount of Scotland.

Which is consistent with the last 24 hours.

And we shall continue to find Scotland up here for most of the night.

And, barring an international football match,

it should be there again tomorrow morning.

Coming south down here, there'

be a large amount of England

all through these areas here.

And with English people scattered around here,

except for an occasional few crowds of Pakistanis in Wolverhampton and Southall.

And there's a heavy concentration of Jamaicans in South London here,

causing a deep depression on a broad national front.

People living here...

will drown.

The long-range weather forecast says there should be sea all around here

for the next 24 hours,

in colours ranging from a grotty grey to a delicate, grotty brown.

And people on the coast here should get a fine view of those nasty things that float.

Or illegal immigrants, as we call them.

Cheerier news up here.

Overnight, Northern Ireland will get no closer to us.

Wales should remain pretty substantially static for the next 24 hours

because, apparently, Harry Secombe is standing on it.

And there should be mountains on high ground

sloping down to the bottoms and other exposed areas.

And now let's have a look at tonight's weather.

There's a cheque in the post.

Do I really write this stuff?

Tick, took, tick, took.

Tick, took. Oh, dear, ladies and gentlemen, I will be glad when this clock is mended.

Tick, tock.

You were dead right, Molly.

There isn't enough room to swing one in there.

Here's your dinner, doggy.

♪ I was born in a trunk

♪ In the Princess Theatre

♪ In Pocatello

♪ Idaho ♪

No, you weren't. You were born in a dog basket in Fishscrew Street, Balham.

There goes my dream.

And here comes her nightmare.

Theme From The Onedin Line

Well, that didn't get much of a laugh, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't think you understood the full nuance of that joke.

She said, "Here comes my dream." And I said... Your lot are 'nanas, aren't you?

"Here comes my nightmare." That's why it's wearing pyjamas and a horse thing on it.

I'll give you one more chance or no more free tickets. One more time.

There goes my dream.

And here comes her nightmare.

Theme From The Onedin Line

Ah! Ah, I know where I went wrong.

I should have said, "Here comes her elephant." That's what I should have said.

- Ding, dong, ding, dong... - Come in, come in.

Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

Ow! Overacting. Overacting. Here...

Molly, I have a nasty feeling that the outside khazi is going to explode.

Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!

Mother!

Here, did we have curry yesterday?

No, we didn't, Bertie.

We had pâté de foie gras with just a soupçon of brown sauce.

Naughty doggy!

Naughty doggy. You're not supposed to talk!

You're supposed to bark.

This is what comes of him watching the Muppets!

You know what he's got up in his kennel?

Miss Piggy in the nude!

Full-frontal bacon!

With all them streaky bits, and all those little bits hanging down.

I've had enough of this sketch, and I wrote it!

Thinks. Idea.

I shall go to Christie's and bid for one of their minstrels.

He's off his mark and immediately powers his way forward towards the hat stand.

With the World Cup only 50 years away, every second counts.

He takes the hat off and thrusts it up onto the hook,

turns, backs away, at the same time getting the coat on using powerful arm movements.

A wonderful first try.

Here, did you hear that?

I swear on this St Michael's uplift, maxi-hoist Euro-bra, I didn't hear nothing!

John Cabbage swivels on his left foot,

powers his way across the cracked lino,

and, bending low, he picks up one of his anthracite nuts and lets one go.

It's a coal!

Somebody must have heard that.

I swear on my tin of Pedigree Chum, I didn't hear a thing.

Now there's a dog on the pitch.

He tries to get it off, but the crowd don't like it.

They're booing him.

Obviously, he's a worried man.

- Morning, Doctor. - Name?

Name? Oh, it's er...

It's Dorothy. Sshh! But it was a slip.

Ein slip? Registrar's pen or surgeon's knife?

No, thank you. I'm very satisfied with my felt tip.

Nobody's felt it recently.

Do you want it privately, or do you want me to let you die?

I'll have it er... Thinks. I've got a good idea: privately.

Right, that's £5 for the flag down.

£50 per minute for every successive illness. Now, what are the symptoms?

I keep hearing these commentaries. Listen to this.

And he's up on his feet again and back in play,

keeping his eyes on the nurse's boobs.

He body checks, realising that his wife is ready

to block the long one down the middle.

But there is still the chance of a breakaway grope.

I'll try and catch this commentator out. Watch this.

And he's back in play again, but behaving very strangely.

Well, these are the sort of tactics that are bringing the marriage game into disrepute.

Waggle, waggle, waggle.

And as I thought, yes, the doctor has stopped him. And is he...?

Is he? Yes, he's showing him his National Health card.

And I can see, a substitute has been warming up on the sidelines.

So he's going to send him off.

Good heavens! There's an elephant on the pitch.

Theme From The Onedin Line

What are we going to do now?

What are we going to do now?

What are we going to do now?

What are we going to do now?

What are we going to do now?

Yes. What are we going to do now?

Good evening, and I mean that most sincerely, I really do.

Tonight we present the prizes for duration in the singing and hanging contest.

Third prize goes to Tom Leggs who sang and hung from a horizontal bar

for three hours and two minutes.

Great big hand.

Really wonderful. It really was.

Second prize goes to Bert Scrumps who sang and hung from the horizontal bar

for four hours and 39 minutes.

Great big hand.

But the winner is Mr Eric Treacle who sang and hung from the horizontal bar

for an amazing 24 days.

Very good.

Good evening. And here are the classified husband results.

Bianca Jagger 1, Britt Ekland 2.

It was an away win for Britt Ekland, but then she's always having it away.

Mary Whitehouse 0, Doris Day 3.

Match abandoned.

One late result here. Sophia Loren 1, Elizabeth Taylor 8.

After extra time.

Well, as you can see, there was a record number of drawers down this week.

Waah!

Agh!

And the Lord said unto all men,

"Always wear clean underwear."

And the Pharisee sayeth, "Whyfore thereof to which?"

And He sayeth, "Because supposing thou art knocked down in the street.

Blessed are they that weareth clean knickers.

For even though they be knocked down in the street by a bus,

verily they will be pure of heart from the waist down."

Ah... Ah-choo!

Ah.. Ah-choo!

- Er... - There's a cheque in the post.

- Lady Lewisham? - Yes?

I'm sorry, your husband has been in an accident.

- Is it serious? - Yes.

He was wearing dirty knickers.

- Eugh! - Worst of all, they were yours.

Ah. Princess Radsville?

There's a cheque in the post.

I'm sorry to tell you that your husband has been seriously killed.

Don't cry. I'll tell you because he was wearing...

clean knickers.

Freeze frame!

During this freeze frame,

we'll point out to you the importance of clean underwear to world leaders.

These pictures were taken with an infrared camera by Interpol

to reveal they're bona fides.

Here we see what brought about the downfall

of President Nixon and his laundrymen.

And here we see the real reason

for Prince Philip's continuing popularity with the Queen.

But like father, like son.

♪ British National Anthem

Hello. For this series, Ed Welsh and I have written some fun tunes.

The first one is one that I've written and it's called That Photograph Of You.

♪ I got that photograph of you

♪ It's in my head

♪ And it won't ever fade away

♪ My eyes, they took a snap of you

♪ And my head said

♪ Photograph, please don't laugh

♪ I love you

♪ I didn't need a dark room

♪ To develop all my love for you

♪ How could one tiny negative

♪ Turn out so positive

♪ I know that photograph of you

♪ Has had its day

♪ For the moment you said

♪ Won't you love me instead?

♪ It was goodbye, goodbye, photograph

♪ Za-za-za, za-za-za-za-za

♪ Za, za-za-za

♪ And it won't ever fade away

♪ Za-za-za, za-za-za-za-za

♪ Za, za-za-za

♪ Photograph, please don't laugh

♪ I love you

♪ I didn't need a dark room

♪ To develop all my love for you

♪ How could one tiny negative

♪ Turn out so positive

♪ I know that photograph of you

♪ Has had its day

♪ For the moment you said

♪ Won't you love me instead?

♪ It was goodbye, goodbye, photo

♪ Goodbye, goodbye, photo

♪ Goodbye, goodbye, photograph

♪ Goodbye, goodbye, photo

♪ Goodbye, goodbye, photo

♪ Goodbye, goodbye, photograph

♪ Goodbye, goodbye, photo

♪ Goodbye, goodbye, photo

♪ Goodbye, goodbye ♪

Hello.

I am a merry bank clerk.

I am married with 18 children and one vasectomy.

My pay, £60 a week.

After muggings, £12.10.

Ah, here comes a valued customer. I'll close the position.

Out of my way, infidel scum!

Ah. Good morning, sir.

It's His Imperial Putridness, Sheik The Drips Off.

He's come in for his daily million pounds.

Had Gad ya, Had Gad ya, Hava Negeela.

Poo!

Oh! Oh, thank you, sir.

Ho ho, I do love their sense of humour. Ha ha ha!

To think a few months ago these wogs were in the desert chewing dried ants,

scratching their bums and looking for a pretty goat.

Insult him.

Baa-aa-aa!

Darling, I love you.

Take your filthy hands off my dirty body.

Oh, ah! Ahh! Ahh!

Harrods! Harrods!

Harabs? if I had those wogs' money, I could have this bird just like that.

Just a minute.

- Excuse me, sir. - Yes?

I'm a professional finger snapper,

and I believe you're in need of a snap.

Come in when I give you the signal.

If I had those wogs' money, I could have her just like...

And now... a professional robbery.

Excuse me.

- Are you talking to me? - Do I know you?

No, we've never met face to face like this before.

Then what are you doing down there?

I know it can't look very good from up there. It doesn't look good from down here either.

If you don't stop, I shall call the manager.

Don't worry, darling, I can manage on my own.

- Are you being seen to, madam? - I think I am.

Here, what are you up to down there?

I'm up to the lace on her St Michael knickers.

"60% pure nylon. Keep away from children."

Now, then, if any of you million-pound train robbers are watching in,

this is where you went wrong.

You didn't wear a stocking mask.

Now, watch this robbery and learn.

- This is a robbery. - Morning, Mr Dempster.

You recognise me? You can't.

- I've got my stocking mask on. - You're supposed to pull it over your face.

It'll never reach.

Ahh! No, I can't mess around with that. Read that.

“Chislehurst Laundry Complaints Department.

We regret to inform you that we are unable to accept your underwear

in the condition you've sent it.

We are sending it to our solicitor."

That's in code. You could have taken longer over it, couldn't you?

That is in code.

That is in code and you'll never break it.

I'll tell you what it is. This is a robbery.

- Don't move or I'll shoot. - It's a motor horn.

I wondered why I couldn't get a gun licence for it.

Right, now, then.

And there's more where that came from.

Hand over the money.

Have you any means of identification, sir?

- That's Joyce McKinney. - I know. I'm not going to take the blame.

I don't want to end up chained to a bed with a sex-mad moron.

- Very well, sir, but you can't have very much. - Right.This is the big time for me.

Me and you, Bonnie, Clapham.

- What was that? - 50p.

50p? It cost me a quid to come here on the bus.

Get out the way, mate. There's other people wanting to do robberies here.

Oh, yes.

Here. Feel, feel, feel.

Here. How did you get that?

Burglar's Access Card. Takes the waiting out of wanting.

♪ You get more with a Burglar's Access Card ♪

Aargh!

For God's sake, man, have you got any change?

-Eh? .Change!

This is a khazi, not a bank.

Here, there's the free.

Not the free?

- I would like to reserve a seat. - Well, you'll need a deposit.

- American Express. - That will do nicely.

American Express says more for you than your money does.

What's this say?

That must be for the Irish cleaners.

Testing, testing, one, two, three, four.

Look here, you don't know this, but I'm Mrs Thatcher's husband.

That's why you don't see much of me.

Listen, I can hear an actor approaching.

- Hello. - Hello.

I'm trying to escape from this maximum-security sousaphone.

-Yes.

I was passing the Harry Mortimer house where he was holding a bandman's ball.

He must have been holding it tight cos I could hear the screams from here.

- Ahem. - Hello.

Is there anybody out there?

Hiya. Aren't you the bloke that runs London's Passenger Transport Board?

- Why? - Well, cos it's quicker by tuba.

Not funny, huh? Thank you.

Thank you.

Those free seats paid off in the end. Right.

Good. You're going to find this hard to believe -

I find it hard to believe, too - but I am Prince Philip.

I find that hard to believe.

Constable Painting, arrest that man, he is an imposter.

I am the real Prince Philip.

All Prince Philips look alike to me. Ha... ha... ha.

Philip?

Yes, dear. What is it?

Mother wants her tuba back. You know it's her turn to wear it.

Sorry, dear, I was trying to amuse Anne.

Nobody can amuse Anne.

My wife says this thing gets in the way of our love life.

- Gets in the way? - Yes. "Bandaranaike," she says,

"This thing is bigger than both of us."

- Your thing is bigger than both of you? - Yes.

That's enough of this. Look, this is not coming off. Stop the play.

You see, when I originally wrote this, I wanted your part to be played by Doris Day

and mine by Rock Hudson.

- But we're not getting that, not getting that... - Je ne sais quoi.

Language! I tell you what, I'll ask one of the women in the audience

what she thinks about it.

The women are the ones with the things out the front, aren't they?

Ah, excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry, madam. It was the cauliflower ear and the moustache.

But, look here, you don't know me.

And you don't want to?

Now, look, you're a mature woman, or is that padding?

Listen, tell you why...

Now, listen...

if you're in the bath...

if you're in the bath and your husband comes up to you,

does he say, "Hah," or does he say, "Ooh"?

I'm asking this because supposing Rock Hudson comes in in the nude,

full-frontal rocks, and he...

...and he says to you...

he says to you, "Hello, darling, how would you like a tootle on the tuba?"

Would you wear it? Eh?

- Excuse me, sir. - It's all right, she's over 16.

- Excuse me, sir. - There's a cheque in the post.

I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.

- Why? - I'm frightened to go alone.

I'm rich! I'm rich.

Here he is.

The winner of Opportunity Knocks the man they said would never come back,

Adolf Hitler.

Hello, boys! Remember me?

Heil!

Heil! Heil!

Heil!

Argh!

Argh!

Oh...

It's all right, folks. That wasn't me they were throwing down.

That would have been cruel. No! It was Keith Schmidt. Haul him up!

Hello there, Keith. How are you, my boy?

Answer this question.

- Hello. - What... What is a geriatric?

Ageriatric is an old person.

No!

A geriatric is a German footballer that scores three goals.

- Ha-ha-ha. - Listen!

Remember this, all of you!

♪ Germans have a sense of humour

♪ Ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha-ha ♪

- And now down. - For my first impression...

- What? - The pendulum of Big Ben.

- This could mean... - Tick, took.

- What's this? - Ticken Sie. Tocken Sie.

My God, he's...

What's this? Angela Rip-off in drag? No?

I'll get it, I'll get it. This is Richard Milkman.

That's it, Richard Milkman. No, no.

Richard er... Butcher! That's it.

Ah, Richard Loaf Of Bread.

- Baker, you twit! - "Baker, you twit?"

- That's a nasty lump you have there. - Where?

- There. - Argh!

And now, folks... It was me all the time.

And now the news. And now the news.

Ireland. Irish athlete Pogue Mahone is to attempt to do...

Irish athlete Pogue Mahone is to do an eight-minute mile.

Said his coach, if he succeeds, next year he'll try for the nine-minute mile.

Uganda.

Idi Amin has announced that as from tomorrow,

all vehicles, like England, will drive on the left-hand side of the road.

To quote him, he said, "We are going to do it gradually

starting with buses and lorries.“

France. A Scotsman is being held by the French police.

It's not known exactly where they're holding him,

but his screams can be heard all over Paris.

London. A new organisation called the Punk Samaritans.

If you feel suicidal, you phone them up, they tell you how to do it.

The laces.

Undo the laces.

Now the waterproof boot with the custard in.

Right.

Right, Miss Breck, you can get dressed now.

So, can you, Doctor.

Right.

Well, Miss Breck, I've examined your body thoroughly,

but I can find no trace of Dutch elm disease at all.

But I thought I did spot one or two Colorado beetles about the allotment.

Oh, hello. We were just having a Harley Street practice.

It's The Incredible Hulk.

Good.. morning.

The cemetery is up the road, lad.

Wait a minute. No, it's Bob Todd.

So the coffin was empty.

Cancel the wreath. Now, where's his blood sample?

Da-da-da-da.

Look, I've told you not to take so much, nurse.

Now, look... just look at this blood slide of yours

and you'll see what you are suffering from.

I'll just focus it up for you.

- It's High Chaparral. - No!

No, it's worse than that.

You're suffering from Red Indians.

Unfortunately, you've got them low down in the... in the wedding tackle area.

I don't understand, Doctor. I...I'm a Catholic.

And I boil my appliance every morning before I go to Mass.

How do you get Red Indians?

- You can get them off dirty lavatory seats. - Oh!

Oh, the shame of it!

What would Molly Grottyknocker say?

Who's Molly Grottyknocker?

Well, I don't know. That's why I wondered what she'd say.

Waits for big laugh. Doesn't get one.

Kicks Bob Todd for saying the line wrong.

Now, then, tell me, have you had any recent contact with a lavatory seat?

Oh, 50 or 60 times a day, Doctor.

What? It's worse than I thought. You've got Red Indians on the run.

Oh, no, Doctor. You see,

I'm the khazi attendant at Victoria Station.

I wondered what it was.

- Oh, thank you, Doctor. - What a funny place to hang your hat.

You see, Doctor, it's the height of the tourist season.

Japanese tourists bring in these Red Indians on their feet.

Listen, wait. Let's see. Good heavens!

They're going to attack. And they're coming from behind.

And this lot have got Winchesters. Not to mention bazolickas.

- Bazolickas? - I told you not to mention that!

I want you to take these National Health Service Penicillin cowboys

three times a day after attacks. Right, ready?

He's heading for the Jacksy Pass.

We must stop him.

- Quick, nurse, an X-ray! - Doctor, I must know the truth.

You want the truth?

Very well, I'll tell you. I've been having it away with her for the last six months.

My God, it's not Red Indians!

It's worse.

He's suffering from Scottish football fans. Run for your lives!

- Argh! - This would never have happened

if they had used Supercover.

The English invention that hides crappy British cooking

from the tourists.

Yes, even the smartest of us can be caught with our menus down.

Come in.

♪ Land Of Hope And Glory

Yes. Supercover can even fool royalty.

Another idea from British Leyland

in its eternal search

for an alternative to making motor cars.

Harrods!

Here, pick a card.

- What is it? - This is the nine of diamonds.

Correct. Right.

I wanna buy a duck call.

- You mean the quack-quack type? - I don't mean the ones that go bow-wow.

Phwow!

Phwow! It's Leyland.

- Leyland? - It doesn't work.

Oh, they're clever.

They're clever.

Oh, yes.

♪ ...at twilight

♪ When the night comes down

♪ And the flickering shadows

♪ Start to come and go

They must be deaf round here.

Well, where's the duck, then?

My dear sir, you don't get ducks flying around in Harrods.

You have to go to Aylesbury where the ducklings are.

You soppy nana poo. If I have to go where the ducks are,

I wouldn't need one of these.

I bought this for the ducky-poos to come here where the hunger is.

Thinks, idea. Bong. Electric light bulb.

There is a round pond here.

Blow it out there and get a ducky-poo. Good idea.

Right.

You bloody fool! That's not a duck call. That's a gorilla call!

Me, me no Jane! Me no Jane, no.

No, no, me, me...

Me different sex. No, no!

Boom boom boom.

Boom boom boom.

Boom boom boom boom.

Will those damn drums never stop?

Boom boom boom boom boom boom.

Blasted elephants!

Imagine, elephants in the skirting board. Elephants!

What are you talking about? Elephants?

You know very well they're only mice.

That's it, spoil a man's dream of great adventure.

I know they're only mice!

You wouldn't expect elephants to come through a tiny hole like that.

You would expect, after a hard day in the betting shop,

that a man could dream of being a great off-white elephant hunter.

And you would be half a gardener.

And I would be the other half.

And this is Nairobi!

Take that crap away.

- What? - I said, take that crap away.

That is not crap. That is double Gloucester from Wensleydale.

I don't care if you got it from Mrs Dale. Take it away.

Day after day after day,

cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese!

We're going mad in here with cheese! Who do you think I am, Ben Gunn?

Here. What was that?

Shotgun.

- Did it get much of a laugh? - No!

Shoot...

Shoot yourself in the foot.

Argh!

Listen here, now. Day after day we put down orders.

We don't want any more cheese.

Two days running we put down orders for smoked salmon, and nothing.

- Smoked salmon for mice? - Yes. We're Jewish.

Jewish?

- Jewish mice? - Yes, my son's a solicitor.

That's why you want to get rid of us, you anti-Semitic swine, you.

Just for that...

Here! That's not fair!

Oh, no, he wants me to put my neck in that,

and break my bloody neck in the trap, doesn't he?

You're not supposed to do that.

- You're not supposed to do that either! - Listen.

I want you to take this order. This is what mice eat. Take this down.

Steamed eagle's legs.

Buttered coconuts, garnished with panda tongues.

All those tales about mice eating cheese are old hags' tales.

So, it was you!

Come in here and say that.

Ah.

It's Bionic Mouse!

I didn't take this part for nothing, I tell you.

Sheikh Rattle 'n' Roll.

In my country, she would fetch many camels.

What would she fetch in this country?

She usually fetches the police.

Infidel scum!

I read your advertisement in the Abu Dhabi Exchange And Mart.

"English Channel for sale."

Ah, yes. It's...

It's crown property. Mind you, a few years ago,

you could have got it for half a crown. Ha-ha-ha.

Infidel scum!

Now, look, sir. Just follow me to the Depth Department.

It's over here, Section B.

By the way, sir,

who did win the Abu Derby?

I didn't read it in the Times.

Now, then, look. Just feel the quality of this water.

Just feel that.

Any piece you like. Any piece you like.

I mean, watch this.

You just take a bucket of it like this.

Throw it over there. And it immediately matches in.

You can't see the join.

Hold this.

By the way, sir, you haven't spat at me for the last few moments.

Thank you.

Watch this. I dig a hole.

And the hole fills in immediately again. It's really wonderful stuff to work with.

What are you talking about?

That's what we're trying to find out!

Och, aye, men.

He dinnae ken the noo.

How's that for miscasting?

40 million poonds for this wee channel?

Nobody's done a wee in it. No.

It's expensive because of the...

wait for it... the oil!

Oil! You think there's oil?

You mean, there is oil under here?

No, no, it's better than that. Every morning it comes floating in on the surface.

Now, nice Arab gentlemen,

this is the big finish with Julia Breck, folks.

We have placed jagged rocks below the surface.

The Liberian tanker captains do the rest.

The game's up, Wedgwood Benn!

I arrest you and your Department of Energy...

Da-da-da-da.

...for wrecking the Torrey Canyon, the Amoco Cadiz, and British Leyland.

That's his ending. This... This is mine.

I like his ending better.

Come in, sketch number 29. Your time is up.

What are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

We're gonna do a music spot now.

Week by week, Ed Welch and I have been writing tunes for the show.

This week it's one of his tunes. In it, I play eight bars of trumpet

for which he has forgiven me.

♪ There are times in the night

♪ When the moon is shining bright

♪ And the stars seem to ask you to fly

♪ That's when I play the music

♪ And you sing the words

♪ That's love to make music by

♪ Look at you, look at me

♪ Tell me, what can you see

♪ The happiest people, and why?

♪ From the highs, from the love

♪ We have learned to compose

♪ Love to make music by

♪ Maybe hard times will call

♪ With our backs to the wall

♪ But together we'll show them

♪ How love conquers all

♪ Cos when all's said and done

♪ If two hearts beat as one

♪ It's easy to laugh, not to cry

♪ So let's make the most

♪ Of the least that we have

♪ With love to make music by

♪ Love to make music by

♪ Love to make music by ♪

Next, please.

I do not understand it.

It has only done 8,000 yards.

My God, Bert, look.

Here comes the Queen.

What are we going to do?

God bless you, Your Majesty.

Yes! Supercover...

another idea from Leyland to hide their crummy products.

Da-da-da-da. Freeze frame.

Good evening.

Britain in space. We've waited a long time for this.

Though, by the look of it, perhaps we've not waited long enough.

But Britain had to get into space this year

otherwise Sri Lanka might have beaten us to it.

With us in the studio tonight,

the designer Professor Arghthudblat.

Professor, this is a somewhat unusual looking space rocket.

Would you care to explain why?

No. No.

Very well, then I'll explain.

The space capsule itself is, as you can see,

designed as a semi-detached

in order to provide a natural environment for Mr and Mrs Jim Maggotts.

They are home-loving people

and the design is intended to create a humanised space capsule.

Yeah!

But will this fragile semi-detached stand up to the buffeting in outer space?

Ah! No.

That is why you have introduced certain aerodynamic refinements.

Have I?

Insulated loft.

Double glazing. And a lagged boiler.

Oh. Good luck, plumber in space!

All systems, go!

Ho-ho-ho. Quickly, quickly, quickly.

To think, I will be the first plumber in space.

Ow.

This is space control to capsule.

Stand by for lift off.

Aye! Affirmative!

All right. Hold tight, Molly.

Three...

Two...

One.

We have lift off.

Did you hear that? The lift's off.

We'll have to use the stairs.

Right, then. What's for supper?

We've got steamed eagle's legs,

buttered coconuts garnished with panda tongues.

She must think I'm a Jewish mouse.

Right. See what's in the papers.

Oh, look at this. "Two Glasgow taxis in collision.

68 Scotsmen injured."

Oh, it's another first for Ireland.

"Irish scientist to carry out the first haemorrhoid transplant."

Listen to this.

"Today the East German pole vault champion

became the West German pole vault champion."

Meow.

Here. Did you feed him?

Yeah. I gave him chicken supreme.

But that supreme chicken shouldn't make him do that.

I'll just put this note out for the milkman. No milk for the next 28 years.

Here!

The garden's gone!

Worse, we've got an outside khazi.

Here. What's that going past there?

- That's the Earth. - Earth?

Yeah, the stuff the cats do it in.

Hello.

They're gonna be docking. I thought the dockers were on strike.

Right hand down, as you are. Come on-ski.

Steady-ski.

You nit! You've smashed the glass house.

Somebody is knocking on the wall.

Yes. What does this say?

"Congratulations. For the second time, you have just won

eight years' free tango lessons

at the Arthur Murray School of Dancing in Space.“

I must admit they do have some very strange endings.

And I think I must be one of them.

♪ I keep your promise

♪ You keep your promise

♪ Don't cry for me... ♪

There. How's that?

Out.

Do not tantalise me, you Greek goddess of a woman.

What I want to know is, have you noticed anything different about my right foot?

You fool of a man, that's nail polish. You're supposed to put it on your toenails.

What? And look like a poof?

Why have you painted your foot red?

Because it's the native streak of English ingenuity at its most creative.

You name me somebody else in Balham who's got a red right foot. Go on.

- Go on, go on. - There's...

Come to think about it,

I don't know anybody who's got a red right foot.

We'll end this sketch while the audience are still totally baffled.

Oh, no, we weren't.

Oh, yes, we were.

Oh, no, we weren't.

Oh, yes, we... No!

Listen, listen.

I think there's somebody at the door.

I'm almost certain there's somebody at the door.

Are you trying to get in?

- Very good. - You fool of a man.

All you have to do is turn the knob on the outside.

Oh.

You learn something new in the Fire Brigade every day.

You, a fireman? How do I know you are telling me the truth?

This man's a fool.

Don't panic, sir! Don't panic.

We'll soon have this inferno under control.

What inferno?

This inferno.

- This is 23, Groins Alley, isn't it? - What's our address, Eric?

23 Groins Alley.

There you are, the same place.

We had a 999 call

which said go to 23 Groins Alley

which is in the midst of the enormous conflagration

which has ever been seen in this locale in living memory.

You pyrogenic fool, you. There is no fire here. Only central heating.

I am feeling a little warm here.

Shut up, you fool!

Listen!

Get up! Or I'll smash your dinner manglers round your grub tunnel!

Do you understand? There is a mistake here.

A mistake. There is no fire here.

There has been no fire here. There has been no fire here!

By the way, have you noticed something different about my right foot?

The work of a lifetime gone.

Mistake? We do not make mistakes.

People's lives depend upon us.

I've just...

"saved your right foot from being killed.

Now, kindly evacuate the premises

before the entire building is engulfed in a mass of flame.

- Hoskins! - Yes, sir.

Sorry, sir.

I was in an orgy when I got the call.

Here, I backed him in the Derby.

Hoskins! Save that woman!

For me.

Hold everything!

Just a few photos for Rupert Murdoch's Dirty Digger Press.

Stay there. That's it, mate. Over there.

I can see it now.

"Hackney fireman threatens nude housewife with chopper

while husband poses naked for fire chief in raging inferno. Shock. Horror."

Hold it.

Give me that camera!

Attention, please. Come in, sketch number six, your time is up.

What are we gonna do now? Give me that camera!

What are we gonna do now? Give me that camera!

What are we gonna do now?

Well, that's it for tonight.

Most shows have big endings, don't they? With the big glitter staircase.

All the boobs dancing round here. But not us.

That's a great sign of insecurity. We're different.

Here's the start of a series of dramatic silent endings.

Terrible, wasn't it?

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Hello? Yes.

Erm... and here is the news.

Joan Collins has been voted the year's most promising authoress.

According to Reuters, she's promised it to just about everybody.

Irish scientists have finally discovered a cure for baldness.

They're calling it hair.

Dr Christian Barnard has carried out

the world's first successful female body transplant.

He pushed one bird out of his bed and pulled another one in.

What? Yes.

There's more coming through about that story, but not enough.

A Luton...

A Luton housewife has asked the local medical authorities

to switch off her husband's life support system,

so they blew up the local labour exchange.

Finally, the man who has cleaned Buckingham Palace sewers

for the last 38 years was today knighted by the Queen.

She used a 38-foot-long sword from another room.

Over now to John Bluthal as Eamonn Andrews.

Eamonn Andrews was to have played the pad, but failed the audition.

John Bluthal also failed the audition and here he is.

I'm standing here.

A little while ago, I was standing there.

But now I'm standing here.

Tonight is the first anniversary of Amnesics Anonymous

and it all depends whether anybody remembers to show up.

Any minute now, that famous concert singer and founder of Amnesics Anonymous

Dick Scratcher might...

...he might just remember to turn up.

Yes, this could be quite a surprise to him as well as to us,

cos Dick Scratcher might be coming through this very door

in the next few moments.

Yes? I can hear some...

♪ I just...

This could be Dick Scratcher now.

♪ I just...

Just a minute. Just a minute, Officer.

I'm just going to empty the dog ends from last night's keep fit class.

How's that go? Kathleen... That's the song you heard.

♪ Kathleen

♪ I just met a girl called Kathleen

No, that's wrong, innit? Maria. Oh, Maria.

♪ I'll take you home again, Maria

That's it. That's it. Maria.

Dick Scratcher...

Dick Scratcher, founder of Amnesics Anonymous, this is your life.

I wondered what it was.

Fancy! Me: Marlene Dietrich!

♪ See what the boys in the back room will have

- Well, Dick... - I''ll just get...

You're certainly in for a lot of surprises tonight

because here is your friend the amnesic designer...

...who forgot to build the hall for this occasion.

Come in, John Trousers.

He hasn't turned up!

- Oh, that's... - Yes, it's John Trousers who didn't turn up,

which is all the fashion - trousers with no turn-ups.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Now, later that year,

you meet the first woman Amnesic Anonymous who forgot to join.

Yes, I said, er...

I-I said...

I said, er...

- Yes, she said "Er." - "Er". That's it.

♪ Marie-Er

That's it. It's coming back.

Yes, it's your partner in a knife-throwing act, Eileen.

Where's that?

Who's he?

Dick Scratcher, this is your wife.

That's better.

Ah. That's where I put it. That's right.

Who am I? Tommy Cooper? That's it. I'm Tommy.

- Tommy Cooper. That's me. - Dick? Dick Scratcher? Dick?

- Dick, how did you meet your wife? - Just like that.

Now, Eileen, tell me about that...

Eileen... Ha-ha! You'll get a chance to see them later.

Eileen, tell me about that very funny incident that happened on your wedding day.

That, er...

Well, thank you, Eileen Scratcher.

Richard, your life is certainly not without any surprises.

...It's 1929.

Richard, it's 1929 and you discover that you have amnesia anonymous

when your bank manager shows you your £8,000 overdraft.

Well, now, you haven't seen him for over 35 minutes.

- Who's he? - He's come all the way...

- What are you doing in my bathroom? - ..from the back of the studio.

Come in, Dennis Healey.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Coo-eel

Coo-eel Hello, you old bastard!

Ha-ha-ha!

Yes, indeed, it's Gough Whitlam, former Prime Minister of Australia,

who's flown 14,000 miles to be on the wrong show a week early.

No, I... ♪ Don't die for me, Joyce McKinney

That's it. ♪ I'll take you home again, Argentina

Richard Scratcher. Richard Scratcher...

- ...founder of Amnesics Anonymous... - Look.

This is your life.

Ah! Gladys! Gladys!

I'll take you home again.

Ha-ha-ha!

Hello? What? Yes. Right.

The answer to our question last week, "What do Scotsmen have up their kilts?"

The winner chosen by Huw Wheldon was Her Majesty the Queen, who said...

Gas stoves.

Yes.

A gas stove is what a Scotsman has up his kilt.

It wasn't the right answer, it was the only one we could publish.

Some of you suggested other things were lodged up Scotsmen's kilts.

One lady suggested a grand piano and a set of spoons

and someone else said, "Larry Grayson."

To find out the real answer to this, over to Stirling Castle...

Stand at ease!

Attention!

Well, that was a waste of time, wasn't it?

Ze bloody door is jammed.

Now, zen...

Now, zen, you know why I have sent for you here today.

No.

Oh. Well, I'll think of something.

Now, zen. Hands up all you creeps in ze audience who have motor cars.

Hands up! Come on!

Right. Let 'em have it.

Ah! Zat will teach you to write in for free tickets, eh.

I tell you.

Now, zen.

- Ze enemy. - Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

- Kill! - Back, all of you.

Now, zen, zis...

Come in!

Bloody door's still stuck. Now, zen.

Zis is the perfect parking meter.

- How does it work? - It doesn't.

But where do you put the money in?

There's nowhere to put it in, it's perfect.

Ha-ha!

Let us imagine zat this dummy of a motorist is the dummy of a motorist.

Right, any questions?

No, he hasn't got any questions.

I will show you how to make him pay the fine.

Excuse me, sir.

You have to be coloured. That's the only way to avoid being insulted.

I have reason to believe you're trying to avoid paying your fine.

I am empowered to caution you that, unless the fine is forthcoming,

I'll be forced to warn you again. Right. Now, then...

Right, I've had enough. Twins now.

Now, forward, traffic warden, Duchess ofArgyll.

You're double-parked, my dear.

Now, how would you make him pay ze fine?

We'll get these viewing figures up if it's the last thing I do.

It's the last thing I've done.

Now, then, forward, traffic warden Robert Redford Knee Trembler.

How would you make him pay the fine?

It'll never work.

Now, zen. Our secret weapon.

Now, zen...

It's a miracle!

- It's a miracle! - It's a new Polaroid parking ticket.

- Who said England was finished? - Everybody!

Now, zen, what I have to tell you is top secret, so I mustn't listen.

Now, zen, I have come to tell you

that you are to be the first Eurowardens into France on D-Day.

Here we see the tremendous bombardment

as the Ministry of Transport bring power to bear on the Normandy car parks.

Now we see them clearing the way for our Eurowardens to go ashore

with their camouflaged parking meters.

Yes, they certainly mean business.

Yes, it's our gallant traffic wardens moving inland,

making the enemy motorists pay dearly for their mistakes.

These pictures show you unlimited supplies of parking tickets

dropped to our brave traffic wardens who are holding out behind two yellow lines

right up their backs.

Here are two gallant parawardens

using the new giant parking ticket that neutralises even the bravest driver.

Yes, it's victory at last. A long line of broken Jewish motorists who couldn't take it.

Berlin, it's your turn next!

Hello. Every week, we do a little fun number.

Ed Welch and myself, a mixture of beauty and brains.

I'm both of course. Thank you, folks.

Ed's written the song. It's a lovely little tune. It's called Woe ls Me.

♪ Just tonight I kind of feel uptight

♪ I've got the whole thing on my mind

♪ You wanna go and I don't know what to do

♪ I need you creeping up beside me

♪ I feel I'm burning up inside me

♪ But by the way you look at me

♪ You say you don't feel that way too

♪ Yes, indeed, you really got me treed

♪ I haven't got an ace to play

♪ All you want's for me to take you home

♪ Oo-oo-oo-oo

♪ I want a little time together ♪ Ahh

♪ I want the sun to shine forever ♪ Ahh!

♪ And, as I'm doing fine, you wanna cut the line

♪ And leave on your own

♪ Woe is me

♪ Living out the grand illusion

♪ Woe is me

♪ Drowning in my own confusion

♪ If you feel all right ♪ Oo-oo

♪ Won't you stay tonight? ♪ Oo-oo

♪ Make my sunshine bright

♪ On me once again

♪ A drop of rain upon my window pane

♪ Is this a gift that heaven sent?

♪ Now you can't go running out the door

♪ Oo-oo-oo-oo

♪ You'd better wait until it's over ♪ Ahh

♪ And let us talk the whole thing over ♪ Ahh

♪ By the look in your eye, it's already dry

♪ It never rains, but it pours ♪ Ooh

♪ Woe is me

♪ Living out the grand illusion ♪ Woo

♪ Woe is me

♪ Drowning in my own confusion

♪ If you feel all right ♪ Oo-oo

♪ Won't you stay tonight? ♪ Oo-oo

♪ Make my sunshine bright

♪ On me once again

♪ Woe is me

♪ Living out the grand illusion, ooh

♪ Woe is me

♪ Drowning in my own confusion

♪ If you feel all right ♪ Oo-oo

♪ Won't you stay tonight? ♪ Oo-oo

♪ Make my sunshine bright

♪ On me once again

♪ Woe is me

♪ La-la-la-la, la-Ia-la-la ♪ Woo

♪ Woe is me

♪ La-Ia-la-la, la-Ia-Ia-Ia, la-la-la

Oh, you little...

I do love you, my dear.

- Ooh! - That's nice.

Ooh!

That's nice!

Don't fret now, my dear. I won't...

Oh.

Good afternoon.

Welcome to the Lady Chatterley potting shed lecture.

Ooh! No, no! Not that!

No? Not that. No.

No, tonight, I'm gonna talk to you about different varieties

that don't cost expensive gardeners.

This one's on five quid an hour.

Now, then, here's a little beauty.

Floribunda dinari, a little beauty.

- No, no. Not that. - Hold there, darling.

No. Not that, no. Er...

Now, these are...

These are some of my own seeds here.

Ah! Little 10p pieces, you see.

Now, you put these just three inches below the surface, like this,

to keep them out of the way of any early morning VAT inspectors, like that.

Then you take 'em over to this nice, little greenhouse here.

Put up the temperature, like that and...

Is she ready for me yet?

Er... no. She won't be long now, Lord Chatterley. No.

I'll just put this in here to keep it out of the overdrafts and soon...

Ooh!

Soon you have... You get something like this.

Soon you'll get something like this, my dear.

Now, lovely...

Lovely little green pound notes.

You take these to the bank and you get anything between 20 and 40p a pound.

Not a bad day's gardening, I'd say.

You know, there's an old gardening saying.

I can't quite think of it at the moment.

Ooh!

That's it, my dear.

Here is a Ministry of Information Film.

And now for some totally useless information.

Did you know, if you strike a female desk, it screams?

Ow!

Good God! It's a male.

What a funny place to hang a saveloy.

This is a Hamlet pencil: 2B or not 2B.

Now, did you know, if you break a pencil, it screams?

Now, then...

Good God. It's Harry Secombe...

...and he's had the operation.

Did you know, if you tear a hole in a piece of paper,

you can see through to the other side?

If you tear a hole on the other side, you can see back in again.

Now, then, nex...

Good God! It's Mrs Thatcher's bank manager,

suffering withdrawal symptoms.

I wonder who she is. Right.

Did you know a piece of paper will take the weight of a human body without breaking?

Good heavens! It's Richard Ill Pad One.

Now... Ah, there's Pad Two. Right.

Did you know if you kept a newspaper for seven days, it gets one week behind?

Here's another way to get a weak behind.

Now, then...

Good God! It's the Duke of Edinburgh!

I'm sorry, Philip. I suppose this means a knighthood's out of the question.

And that's... that's for not giving me an OBE.

Good evening and OBE.

According to my researchers, I am the late Huw Wheldon.

I am standing outside the world's first sexual hindrance boutique,

an attempt by the late Lord Longford to suppress

the ever-growing number of sex shops in the Mall.

It's made a good start with this Victorian mangle.

This small red manual, not to be confused with the Black Emanuelle,

tells how, with correct use,

this mangle can reduce sexual permissiveness forever.

Even longer.

My husband was a sex maniac.

I couldn't take no more of it,

but that's all stopped since I bought my sexual hindrance mangle

and dropped it on him.

And now you're about to see the sexual steam roller steriliser

effect a cure on the Archbishop of Canterbury.

♪ All things bright and beautiful

♪ All creatures great and small

Oh, good. To think I will be cured of sex soon.

♪ All things wise and wonderful

♪ The Lord God made them all

This is a bust of the late Sir Winston Churchill

and this...

...is a bust of the early Sir Winston Churchill.

They are both identically different, except for the other one.

Behind me is the controversial portrait by Graham Sutherland. Behind that is a wall.

Behind that, two men straining to hold it up.

It is all pan of the brand-new Lady Churchill memorial kit.

The painting comes complete with a tin of paraffin and a box of matches.

I tell you what,

I'll never paint another portrait of Winston Churchill as long as he lives.

Here, can you smell burning?

Yes.

Tomorrow, Sir Winston Churchill's wartime overdraft comes up for auction at Sotheby's.

This massive overdraft, created personally by Winston Churchill,

sitting up all night, smoking cigars, wearing silk underwear...

though how he got a cigar to wear silk underwear, I'll never know.

The original overdraft of 1904 was valued at £18,000.

A Sotheby's spokesman said, “Today, we expect the bidding to start at £50,000

and then go up by leaps and bounds as most of the bidders will be on trampolines."

Winston Churchill's grandson said this...

I am horrified that my old grandpappy's overdraft am being sold.

That was one of my greatest childhood memories.

When de banks was closed, he am taking it out

and letting us play with it on the lawn.

Lordy, lordy!

Yes. Winston Churchill Junior refused to be filmed for that interview.

His part was taken at short notice by a stand-in Equity actor who had it in for him.

The overdraft is expected to go out to an anonymous American banking combine,

the Chase Manhattan, the Bronx and Staten Island two, Arsenal one,

Tottenham seven... Look, I didn't write this stuff.

Good evening and welcome to Mastermind Of Ireland.

The first contestant is Mr Poge Mahone.

Poge Mahone. P-O-G-E...

This'll be you, Fergus.

Oh, is that right? You'll win this contest. You'll win this contest.

- Mr Mahone, what is your profession? - Ah, yes, indeed, sir.

Now, I want you to complete this sentence.

"The road between Switzerland and Italy runs through the Brenner..." what?

- Pass. - Pass is correct.

Tell me by what other name is 60 seconds known?

Er... just a minute.

A minute is correct.

Now... A criminal sentenced in England can only be freed by the Queen's what?

- Pardon? - Pardon is correct.

Poge Mahone, you are now Mastermind of Ireland.

- Pass. - Wrong.

Not ma...

Not...

Not many of you know that this is a statue of the late Sir Florence Nightingale,

the lady with the lamp.

So displeased with the sculpture was the sculptor

that he changed the name to Lord Nelson.

As it didn't even look like Lord Nelson, he put him at the top of this 100-foot tower

and that is why the great Scottish poet wrote...

Ooh-ow!

And now back, live, to the studio.

Good evening. Yes. Tonight, a tribute to the late Sir Edward Elgar,

whose favourite instrument was the...

"Was the B-flat garden hose, for which he wrote many great pieces.

Including...

"Underneath The Armpits, We'll Dream Our Dreams Away.

Right.

Ah.

Here's the late news.

Two hours late, to be precise.

Good news for smokers. Lighting up time tomorrow is 15 minutes earlier.

A man has been charged at Bow Street with stealing 48 pieces of luggage.

He's asked for 28 cases to be taken into consideration.

That's the end of the news. Good night.

Morning.

- Go on. - What?

Your face.

No, your real face.

- Go on. - What?

- "Good evening." - Good...

- What? - "..evening."

Eve... Evening.

No, say it all. "Good evening."

Say it all. Good evening.

Yes. I am Sox Milixegz, in Q8.

Oh, good evening.

Tonight, we have a large party in from watford.

She's sitting over there and there and there.

Now here is the evening news.

Here is The Observer...

...and here is the mirror.

Well, it said there...

There was an historic occasion at Christie's today.

Nelson's glass eye came up for sale.

Apparently, it's been looking for a buyer.

Likewise, a priceless Ming dynasty vase came under the hammer

and was smashed to pieces.

Guy the Gorilla has finally been stuffed.

His mate has a new husband and she will...

There's another news item...

A man has invented a razor in which he can shave in three seconds.

He is now in the anaemia ward, Watford.

The Soyuz Russian rocket has docked with the American rocket Saturn Eight.

The punch-up is still going on.

Irish Derby: 14 horses came in a dead heat today.

The Board of Stewards have shot 13 so they can choose a winner

and the Scotch House have invented a new thermostat-heated sporran.

It goes from nought to 50 to...

Good evening and OBE.

Tonight, we visit this photograph of Windsor Castle.

It is a perpetual wonder how the Royal family can get into anything so small.

We all bend down.

They all bend down.

Now over live to Windsor Castle on film.

'Ere! Ready to go again are we, squire?

Action!

Good evening.

As the fee was not high enough,

the Queen would not give us permission to film in the real Windsor Castle.

However, the BBC in its infinite wisdom

has rebuilt a life-size statue of Windsor Castle here in the south of France.

Which explains why, next year, your television licence will be going up to £380

and a further £400 if you actually have a set.

So now that the good weather is over in France, it's back to the BBC, London.

Halt! Who goes there?

Are you Her Majesty's security guard?

Pass, friend. All's well.

I see. Are you male, female, or are you awaiting the operation?

Neither, I keep my sex a secret.

I do not wish to discriminate against the Sexual Persecution Act.

I haven't seen the act, but they tell me they were very good at the Palladium.

Tell me, what is the purport of this anonymity?

Well, it means you can use the Royal lady's khazi when she's not in residence.

Lovely central-heated seat.

You press a button, somebody calls a plane for you.

- I see. - Oh, you can't see.

Philip's whitewashed all the windows.

Another Royal whitewash.

Tell me, do you have a security guard to protect the Queen's royal person?

When he's in, but he's usually at Windsor Park, belting polo balls around, isn't he?

Does he use a security guard dog?

Only if the horse is lame.

Look out, sir, look out! Look out! He'll eat you alive if he gets at you.

Back there! Steady! Steady!

Steady, boy! Steady now. Easy! Keep back!

Keep back now. Easy, easy!

Watch your throat! Watch your throat! Keep your throat away!

Heel! Heel!

Is that a heel?

No, you 'nana, that's a heel.

That's a security hedgehog.

But what has happened to Her Majesty's Doberman Pinschers?

The pinchers? Oh, Philip borrowed those to pull the hairs out of his nose.

Nearly takes the back of his head off.

All the back of his nut's gone.

What I meant was the Doberman Pinscher dogs...

- What? - Dogs. Woof-woof. Woof-woof.

I've got to mime. Woof. Ah, yes. Well, she got rid of them.

She sold 'em because she didn't like their eating habits.

- I see. What happened? - They ate the corgis.

Down! Down, you swine!

He said, "Down! Down, you swine!"

I know what I said.

- What about the fleas? - I got rid of them.

Oh, I see. How?

Well, you see, I cover him with whisky and then I sprinkle sand on him.

I see and how does it work?

The fleas all get stoned and chuck rocks at each other.

I see. Now, tell me...

Wait a minute, they're laughing.

Er... what do you feed him on?

Well, on a table, of course. What's the matter with the man?

What about the household scraps?

Oh, a lot of them. Her and Philip are at it all the time.

She don't half give him some stick,

especially when he comes in Mozart and Liszt.

She gives him some stick, it's that red polo stick in the corner too.

The back of his nut is like BBC custard: a mass of lumps.

This poor fellow believes that, when I said, "Household scraps,"

he thought that I meant domestic squabbles between our dear Queen and her Consort.

Of course, he's absolutely mistaken and if our dear Majesty's watching me...

I proffer my profoundest apologies

for this catastrophous error.

And I trust that this sincere grovelling...

will not go unnoticed during the next Birthday Honours list.

So it's good night from another Royal occasion.

And this book, Royal Hedgehogs, moderately priced at 59 guineas.

Hello.

Had another famine in Bengal, then?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Or are you waiting on the skeleton staff?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Oh, dear. What a comic I am.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hello.

Ooh, you come out of bed the wrong side this morning, did you?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yeah. Oh, dear, oh, dear. I'll tell you a funny joke. Listen to this, then.

There's two boiled eggs.

Two boiled eggs in this pan of boiling water.

One says to the other, "I don't like being boiled alive like this."

The other one said, "Don't grumble. When you get out, they beat your bloody head in!"

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oo-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!

He-ha'. Hoo-hoo-ha'. Ha-ha-ha'.!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Ha-ha!

Why ain't you laughing?

Cos I couldn't see the joke.

I don't suppose you can see anything from in there.

Are there messages inside? Like, “In God we trust?

Or, "Please, hole in one"?

Lord Chalfont St Giles?

That fooled you all, didn't it, eh?

- Here! - Yeah?

Are they legs sticking out of your Tesco bag?

Overacting at its best.

Yes. Yes.

It's there for a joke. The joke. Get this joke.

You've got to hear this joke. Here.

My father-in-law's up before the beak because he's on a meths charge

and they said, "He hasn't got a leg to stand on." Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

Right.

Oh. Oh-oh.

Reminds me, I must have my tyre pressures put up.

Oh-oh. Oh-oh. Oh-oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh, there is a God. There is a God.

No, there isn't.

No-no, no-no.

Now, don't tell me. Don't tell me. You're ill with something.

I told you he was a good doctor.

Right, Nurse, would you go behind the screen and take your clothes off, please?

- What's that for? - It's for the next patient.

- Who's he? - Michael Parkinson.

That's an in-joke.

From now on, it's out.

- Right. Let's have a look at you. - Right.

Now, then, I want you to take off this mysterious garment you have on.

This is a Gannex, the key to a knighthood.

My God! I've never seen anything that big.

Now, then, your name isn't Michelin, by any chance?

No, no. My name is I Keep Getting This Terrible Pain In My Chest.

Now, then, I don't know how to tell you this, but...

Eurgh! ..you are suffering from pythons.

I thought you said you didn't know how to tell me that.

- Is there any known cure? - No, there's no...

Not a known cure, but many unknown ones.

- I'll just lend you this ruler. - Why?

Well, cos it's just a temporary measure.

Now I want you to go to this address.

"Miss Whiplash, strict disciplinarian. Will alleviate tension in all classes."

So much for Harley Street bloody experts!

♪ And I must have taken you for granted

♪ For thinking all this time

♪ You were really someone

♪ Whose love was only mine

♪ Must have taken you for granted

♪ My broken head will mend

♪ Started out on something

♪ We knew we couldn't end

♪ Started out on something

♪ We knew we couldn't end

♪ Doo-doo-doo doc-doc doo-doo-doo

♪ Doo-doo-doo doc-doc doc-doc

♪ Doo-doo-doo doc-doc doo-doo-doo

♪ Doe-doe doe-doe doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo

♪ And I must have taken you for sunshine

♪ When all I had was rain

♪ Taken you for love when

♪ AII I had was pain

♪ Must have taken you for granted

♪ I knew I had a friend

♪ Started out on something

♪ We knew we couldn't end

♪ Started out on something

♪ We knew we couldn't end

♪ Doo-doo-doo doe-doe doe-doe doe-doe doe-doe doe-doe

♪ Doo-doo-doo doc-doc doc-doc

♪ Doo-doo-doo doe-doe doe-doe doo-doo-doo

♪ Doo-doo-doo doc-doc

♪ Started out on something

♪ We knew we couldn't end

♪ Started out on something

♪ We knew we couldn't end

Thank you.

Hello, folks. It's euro joke time.

We're going to do variations on a theme of, "Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"

Our hostess is Viscountess Boyle.

- England... - English, right.

Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Oh, yeah.

Angleterre, trois points.

France...

Waiter, waiter, there is a fly in my soup.

Do not worry, sir, the spider on the bread roll will get him.

La France, trois points.

Deutschland...

Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in mein Suppe.

Jewish swine!

Deutschland...

Deutschland, sechs punkte.

Israel...

Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

That'

be £1 extra, sir.

- Keep going! Keep going! - Israel! Israel, shalosh points. Ireland...

- Waiter, waiter... - Yes, sir?

"There's a fly in my soup.

Don't worry, sir. I'll save him.

Acting, acting, acting.

Ladies and gentlemen, let this grotty set be a warning to all of you swines

who haven't coughed up for their TV licence.

There's one over there, I know.

This is the result and you know who's holding this up? The Director General.

And now an inferior grade-three comedy sketch as revenge.

See, we can't even afford a doorbell.

- Ring-ring! Ring-ring! - Wait till you see this.

Who moved my dustbin?

Hello, sailor.

I am not a "Hello, sailor," I am a "Hello, cleaning operative".

You mean you're a dustman?

- Are you a clairvoyant? - No, I'm Jewish.

Here! If you're a dustman, why are you done up like an admiral?

Because we come from a seafaring nation.

Mine go back to William of Orange.

- You mean... - Yes, I'm a naval orange.

All right! Go on, groan!

Groan, you swines!

Groan! Go on! Suffer!

That's for all you people who haven't paid a TV licence, there's worse to come!

And the doors are all locked, all locked.

They're gonna put Zyklon gas in here in 20 minutes' time. That's the truth.

Now, then, Lady Lewisham...

- Is that your bin? - Yeah. What's wrong with it now?

I dunno. I give up. What is wrong with it?

I'll tell you what's wrong, Lord Louis.

That dustbin hasn't been emptied

- for 17 weeks. - Dong-dong!

- Dong. Dong-dong! Dong! - Do you know that, this morning...

- ...a stale sausage... - Dong-dong!

- ...was at the bottom of that lot? - Dong!

He was shouting, "Let me out! Let me out!"

Yes. That sausage in there was shouting to save his skin.

Go on! Yeah, that's it. Go on! Suffer!

There's worse to come, all of you.

We're coming to kill you. Right, now, then...

Oh, onto this bit. Right...

Hello?

These flies have gone in from that wog restaurant down the road there.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Come out!

Come out, Incredible Hulk.

- I'm sorry, I'm late. - You weren't, you were early.

All right, but I am not Robert Redford.

He's not, see. He's not Robert Redford.

If you'd have paid your TV licences, this would've been a full-frontal Robert Redford

with all the red bits showing.

- Who are you? - Paul Newman.

Not... Not the Paul Newman?

No, a Paul Newman.

Apple Newman. Apple Newman.

Right, I'm not gonna empty him.

He's full of soggy chips and old stale takeaway balls.

- No, you are not official council rubbish. - Oh, yes, I am.

Oh, no, you're not.

- Oh, yes, I am. - Oh, no, you're not.

Listen, you don't think these flies are just here on holiday, do you?

Who is he?

- He's my late husband. - Late?

Why didn't you buy him an alarm clock?

And what's he doing in your bin?

I'll tell you what he's doing in that bin. He's shagged out!

And... what is more, I've never had my conjugal rights.

- Would you like some now, dear? - No, no.

No, no. No, his conjugals are all covered in Daddies sauce now.

No.

- Get out of the dustbin! - What?

I know an Englishman's home is his castle, but his dustbin is his refuse. Yeah.

Read this Magna garbage.

What's this? "Guaranteed disposable husband. Handmade in Hong Kong.

Warning: Do not expect conjugal rights after December 1908.

Handwash, but beware of shrinkage."

That's it! That's it!

She didn't handwash me.

Now I've got shrunken pads.

Hold it!

It's too small to hold.

Thinks. Can't think of anything. Goes back and he waits.

I may only be an ordinary £400 a week dustman,

but I have a head of gold.

Another Christian Barnard triumph.

A bleeding sight better than the British Leyland Triumph, I tell you that.

Wait! I have an idea. Peek-a-boo! Mm. I shall be Tinkerbell.

I will save this marriage by creating an artificial jealousy situation.

Not an ongoing artificial leg-over jealousy situation?

Yes. Keep going! Do not stop!

Do not go past Go! Keep chattering as long as you can, cos I've got a big change.

So...

Stop!

Bong!

♪ Heathcliff, it's me

♪ Wuthering heights, wuthering heights

It's Kate Bush.

You sound more like Shepherd's Bush.

Yeah, but I'm the dustman. Look!

You don't sound a bit like him.

He was bald.

Of course I sound like I'm bald. Listen to this.

♪ Heathcliff, I'm bald!

You're quite right.

That bald head...

- That bald head sounds exactly like him. - Yes.

I've got done up like Raquel Welch's grandmother to stop this jealousy situation.

You poor overdressed fool.

You couldn't possibly make me jealous.

I have a bionic lover.

What? Quick! Run video tape!

Here I am, wonderful Hughie Grin...

Jesus Christ Superstar

Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. It really is wonderful to be here.

These days, it's wonderful to be anywhere.

I mean that most sincerely, I really do.

Now it's time to play Double Your Yokel.

We here in the studio are going to choose the Yokel Of The Year.

Just to remind you of some of the wonderful finalists who took part.

Here are some of the wonderful finalists who took part, most sincerely.

♪ Oh, tall and tan

♪ And young and lovely

♪ The girl from lpanema goes dancing

♪ And when she dances, all the fellas, they go, "Aah!"

♪ When she moves, she's like a samba

♪ It makes her go like a mamba

♪ And when she passes

♪ The lads go, "Aaaah!"

Wonderful. That was Jasper Dung, the singing cowhand from Belgrave Square.

Really wonderful act. Next, we had Sean and Leonard Plague.

One of the bravest acts you've seen on Double Your Yokel.

- Here they are. - I say, I say, I say, Mr Gallagher.

What are you doing in my trousers?

I'm not doing anything in your trousers, Mr Crayfishy.

Then why are you dressed as Mr Liberace?

I give up, Dick.

Why am I dressed up as Mr Liberangie?

You'rn too witty for me, Tom.

I know. Let's play the late Glenn Miller's In The Nude.

What a good idea.

Wonderful, wonderful, the Brothers Plague.

Look here. You said you were going to play in a lion's cage.

Where's the lion?

We couldn't have a lion in the cage, Hughie.

- Why not? - Cos he'd tear you to bloody pieces.

A really wonderful answer from a really wonderful act.

Let's hear it once again for the Brotherhood Of Dung.

Now the act you all remember,

Isaiah Sludge and Mary.

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Cock-a-doodle-doo. Wake up, lazy world.

I am Roger the Cock and this is Mary, my little egg-laying friend.

Hello, Mary. How are you?

I am very well, thank you.

Tell me, Mary, why did the chicken cross the road?

I don't know. Why did it cross the road?

Oh dear, I don't know that either.

Now, while I drink...

"this bottle of whisky, Mary will recite a Pam Ayres...

No, no, no.

She will sing Ave Maria.

♪ Ave

♪ Maria

♪ Where was I

♪ Maria?

Thank you.

How about that? Wonderful, wonderful.

Isaiah Sludge the chicken ventriloquist from the Welsh Guards.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been waiting for.

The winner.

Deloris, let's hear the winner of Double Your Yokel.

And the winner...

The winner is printed by the Amalgamated Printers Press,

No .8 Letsbe Avenue, Dagenham, Essex, SW99...

The winner, ladies and gentlemen, is Isaiah Sludge.

Your vote as well as mine,

Isaiah Sludge the chicken ventriloquist from the Welsh Guards.

Isaiah...

...you win this first prize.

This sack of Fisons fertiliser and a cash cheque for a three-figure sum.

£1.53.

Wonderful, wonderful. Really wonderful. I mean that most sincerely, I really do.

How do you think your wife will take it?

Well, she's been taking it on the back of the combine harvester.

Great big act, Isaiah Sludge the chicken ventriloquist.

Put your hands together. Really wonderful.

And here is the late news.

At Sotheby's today, Queen Victoria's knickers came up for auction.

This is the first time they've been up for 90 years.

Today, the Pope on the balcony said,

"Ter deum et partium fidem spiritum sanctum gloria portentum."

You work it out.

Good lad. Remember old soldiers from Mons.

Mons.

Mons.

Sole survivor of Mons.

Give me an M and an O and an N and an S. Mons.

Good evening and... Oh.

Camera cock-up number one.

We're all human except me. Right.

Let's get the Irish jokes out of the way.

A man walked into a restaurant in Dublin and said, "Fish and chips twice."

And the waiter said, "I heard you the first time."

And now the news.

The National Theatre are to revive Bernard Shaw's plays.

If all else fails, doctors will use oxygen.

A man was accused today of being in charge of a drunken cow.

The police said the animal was suffering from a terrible hangunder.

Athletics. East German athlete, German Gunter Lunch,

did the 100 metres in an amazing 5.4 seconds.

The secret was in the running shoes: the spikes were pointing inwards.

As he said in an interview later, "Aaaargh!"

Thank you, ladies and gentleman.

I mean that most sincerely. I really do.

Good evening and welcome to the Idiot of the Year Show.

Can I have a big hand for the lovely Julia?

Believe me, ladies and gentlemen, she needs a big hand.

All right, Julia, who is our first contestant?

Well, our first contestant, Hughie, is Mr Poge Mahone.

Great big hand for Poge Mahone.

Hello, Mr Parkinson.

Now, Poge, I see you're wearing a Cambridge tie.

Oh, yes.

- You were in Cambridge? - Yes, sir.

- And what did you do there? - I was buying a tie.

It''s absolutely correct.

Now then, Poge,

I understand that the subject you've chosen is Great Builders.

- That's right, sir. - "That's right" is the correct answer.

All right now, Poge,

the second pan of that question: I'd like you to name two famous builders.

Oh, that's easy. That's easy!

- All right, answer it then. - That's not easy.

No, seriously, though, Poge, listen very carefully,

we'd like you to name two great builders.

Um...

- Two great...? - Two great builders.

Um er...

Paddy Murphy and McAIpine's.

Paddy Murphy and McAIpine's is not the right answer.

What we're talking about is classical builders,

like Christopher Wren.

- Christopher Wren? - Christopher Wren is the correct answer.

All right, now, ladies and gentlemen,

Here we go, Poge.

Poge, stand over here.

Now then, part three of the second part of the first question.

- Poge, listen very carefully. - I want to sit down.

- Poge. All right... - Yes.

We'd like you to name two, listen very carefully,

two classical painters.

Um...

Oh, er...

My brain's hurting.

- One... - Shall I give you some clues?

Oh, would you? Only these ones are wearing out.

Well, I'm sorry you wore them out to this programme.

All right.

Listen very carefully. Two classical painters.

- Yes, sir. - We're gonna give you a clue. All right.

Ah! Dave Lodge!

Well, now, you're getting warmer. You're getting very warm.

Yes, it's them boobs that's doing it.

"It's them boobs that's doing it" is not the right answer.

Watch very carefully. Here are your clues.

There's no bloody traffic in here. What's the matter with him?

Agh! The painter is a policeman!

Constable is the correct answer.

You've become The Idiot of the Year!

OK, great big hand.

Now, Poge,

...as your prize,..

Poge, you win a free burial at sea with a coffin of your own choice,

and I mean that most sincerely, I really do. All right.

Now, a word from our wonderful sponsors.

Hello, housewives. Are you having problems with stuffing for your bird?

Well, don't worry, here is the ideal stuffing.

Yes, Stuffed. Go out and get Stuffed today.

Good evening, and here is the news.

Stringent economy cuts have been forced on the BBC.

Thank you, Eamonn.

To try and save money, they are to combine three departments:

Religion, Politics and er... anything.

Here then is Farmers Panorama on Sunday.

So over now to the Lebanon, where the Pope is milking a cow.

In Beirut,

Hampden Park and the House of Commons, the fighting continues.

Bang!

Psssh! Psssh!

Mr Arafat.

No, der am no ara fat in dis milk, man.

Mr Mobuto,

as head of the Jewish Milk Marketing Board in Katanga,

how long will the struggle continue?

Until I get all the milk out of this moo.

Moo!

Yes, moo, and that could well be true.

But in your parlous...

- Ow! - Get back on my knee.

- Paid for it, aren't you? - Yes!

In your parlous situation, do you want the meeting here

- or would you rather have it away? - Ooh, I'd rather have it away, man.

- Mr Begin, will the others go with you? - No, the udders stay on the cow.

- As the head of Catholic Tescos... - Yes.

...in Israel...

- ...are you worried about the night attacks? - No, no, no.

No, I've got this waterproof seating on the bed.

- Was this Russian aid? - No, that was lemonade.

Next week, we'll be talking to a critic of punk rock

and a man who's making swinging bras.

One will be knocking the rockers, and the other will be rocking the...

This is Robin Day, Tescos Mac Fisheries, somewhere in Ethiopia, Dalston.

- Good night. - Moo!

This must be the papal bull, man.

Remember Mons, sir. One of the last survivors of Mons.

Right!

That's for you, you hairy, hippy, punk-rocking swine, you.

That's for earning more money than me!

That's for earning a million pounds a month while I'm on a... skinny 35 quid a week.

After bribes, 147.

And... that's for living in the South of France,

eating all those oysters and caviar...

...while I'm having to sit in Maiden

eating fish fingers with Daddies sauce. Right?

And that's for having it away with Bianca Jagger.

If the rest of your body were there, I'd give it into your rolling stones, right?

Right, and that's because I can sing better than you. Watch this.

♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina

♪ The truth is I never met you ♪

All right, all right, that's enough of the Anne Shelton impressions.

- I'd like to see my solicitor. - All right, then.

Here's the keys, he's in cell number 39.

Thank you.

I just want to tell him I was in Cockleshell Heroes. What a great film that was.

I enjoyed doing that.

I'll give you Mull of Kintyre!

♪ Mull of Kintyre

- Excuse me, Mr Porter. - Just a minute.

Is this a police station?

I hope so, otherwise I've been taking bribes under false pretences.

Hello.

What have you been doing, dancing on alligators?

Oh, no, sir, it's quite wrong. Alligators have got nothing to do with this, sir.

Oh, don't worry.

Under my cross-questioning, he'll snap quicker than

the elastic in a Wren's knickers in Chatham on pay night.

Now then, curry, crazy, amnesic Charlie...

...first question...

- The first question is... - Ask me, ask me, sir.

- Have you got any letters? - No, I haven't.

An imposter!

I thought you was an amnesic postman.

I am, sir.

But I've run out of letters.

You see, sir, I had to give the last registered one to a burglar.

- I see. A robbery. - No, sir, it was addressed to him.

I see. Another case solved.

That'll be a quid.

I told you under my cross-questioning he'd snap. They all do.

No, Mr Porter, I want to make a complaint about a dog.

Why? Wasn't it cooked well enough?

Oh! Oh!

Oil strikes!

Now, then. Wait a minute. Wait a minute now.

You're not from A-10.

- No, Mr Porter, I came down the M40. - I see.

These are in-jokes for the police. For any policeman that might be looking in.

Of course, if they're not looking in we'd better all look out.

- Mr Porter, the way it happened was this. - Yes?

You see, Mr Porter, I was attacked by Mrs Duchess of Argyll's dog

while delivering a parcel of lovers to her castle.

I see.

Cannot think of his line, so blows whistle.

- Mr Porter, sir. - One each.

- One each. - Mr Porter, I need another pair of trousers.

You can't come in here for trousers. We don't make trousers.

We only make arrests.

Would you like one?

I mean, we could measure you for a pair of handcuffs.

No, Mr Porter! No, not at all!

I want you... I...

Mr Porter, I want you to accuse Mrs Duchess of Argyll's dog's teeth

for attacking my legs!

Oh, my word. You've got some very bad holes there.

And some very good ones.

My gawd, he's got legs like piano rolls!

Mr Porter, when the wind bristles through them...

when the wind whistles through them...

Much better than bristles.

...when it does that, when it does that, Mr Porter...

When the wind whistles through them it does what?

"They sing "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina."

Mr Porter, in Bangladesh, that would have got a big belly laugh.

I haven't got a big belly, that's why it didn't get a laugh.

Now then, all your nanas up in the control box,

run film of fast police car chase

so we can get across to the Duchess of Argyll's castle.

Now then, this film isn't going to... That's not a real police car, you see.

That's only an imitation one with the stripes on the side.

Two pints, please.

Oh, that's very nice, but I'm not allowed to drink on duty.

But I'll er... I'll have the money.

Money? You're an imposter!

You're not a milkman, you're a...

...a policeman!

Yes, therefore I charge you with assault, to wit...

Who are you calling a twit?

Namely, I have come to arrest your dog's teeth

for assaulting GPO property, to wit...

- Stop calling me a twit! - Argh! Argh!

Don't do it properly next time.

All through rehearsal you missed me, what's the matter with you?

Meantime, they've got to pay.

I mean, GPO property.

His legs.

My dog has never attacked a Hindu's leg in his life.

He's kosher.

- Anyway, he couldn't have done it. - Oh? What proof have you got?

I haven't got a dog.

I've got a canary.

Now think very carefully.

Were you savaged by a canary?

No, Mr Porter. I don't know what a canary looks like.

- I'll get it. - Look here, I...

Did you know that policemen are numbered in case they get lost?

Help me up, will you?

Good heavens! It's Mrs Duchess ofArgyll! She shouldn't be out here.

She should be back in there with all those wrong sound effects.

_

Listen.

Excuse me, sir, are you, er..

- ...are you Mrs Duchess ofArgyll's canary? - Yeah.

Just a minute.

Have you got jau...

Have you got... Have you got jaundice?

No, it's my natural colouring.

I'm a coward.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. Listen. Hold it now!

I must warn you that anything you whistle will be taken down

and used on New Faces as evidence against that po-faced swine, Mickie Most.

Right? Now then,

Have you ever savaged his legs?

No, I'm a vegetarian.

Another unsolved crime, another incompleted comedy sketch.

Let's whistle our way out of this, lads.

Attention, please!

Come in, police sketch No.39, your time is up.

Stop that!

Ohm...

♪ Well, you wake up in the morning

♪ And you think that you've been dumb

♪ And you think of all the times you had

♪ And all the times to come

♪ And you're just about to pack your bags

♪ But you turned around instead

♪ Cos the carpet's always greener

♪ Under someone else's bed

♪ Yeah, the carpet's always greener

♪ Under someone else's bed

♪ It all began as innocence

♪ You simply caught her eye

♪ And a look became a gaze

♪ And then a truth became a lie

♪ And all at once you're caught up

♪ Like a fly within a web

♪ Oh, the carpet's always greener

♪ Under someone else's bed

♪ Yeah, the carpefs always greener

♪ Under someone else's bed

♪ Oh, you only had time to spin her a line or two

♪ Oh, you made a mistake and a head's gonna break

♪ Gonna break in two

♪ And as the dawn begins to break

♪ You wake up from your dream

♪ You dreamt of running far from home

♪ In some fantastic scheme

♪ You dreamt of life in paradise

♪ Yet long for home instead

♪ Oh, the carpet's always greener

♪ Yeah, the carpet's always greener

♪ Yeah, the carpet's always greener

♪ Under someone else's bed ♪

Remember the old soldiers, sir.

Remember Mons, sir.

Mons.

Argh!

Oh! Oh, me clapper!

I've split me clapper!

Oh! I've got to see a doctor.

Sanctuary!

Sanctuary!

The bloody door's stuck!

Never mind! I will charge it down!

Missed!

It must have been.

Sanctuary!

Sanctuary! Sorry, she's out.

Sanctuary much. What's this?

Ye olde Pirelli calendar.

What does it say?

"Think of me when you tear one off."

Right.

I'm ugly...

Oh...

Oh, I'm ugly. Yes.

I'm really ugly, I tell you.

Really UGLY-

Give me a U. Give me a G. Give me a L. Give me a Y.

And it spells...

Ugly!

It spells pretty ugly silence to me.

Never mind.

What's this? Here's a bit of string. I'll get knotting.

I wonder what's on the end.

It is the end.

"Ha-ha-ha. You don't know me."

Good!

"Are you having trouble trying to establish a character?"

Who is this white-faced creep?

He looks like... He looks like a compulsive blood donor.

That, or he's been sleeping with Dracula.

- "Ha-ha-ha." - Ha-ha-ha?

"You are wrong. I am England's first bionic plumber.

- Have you had..." - What?

"Have you had a leak lately?"

With these tights it's impossible!

- "Aren't you the Hunchback of Notre Dame?" - No, that's my brother.

I'm the Hunchback of Notre Catford.

- "I smell..." - What?

"I smell a rat."

There must be better things to smell than that!

Listen!

It's The Stoned Ranger and Blotto.

You're wrong. I am The Lone Bank Clerk.

Well, you could have fooled me.

Come to think of it, anybody can.

- Hold it! - Of course he's holding it.

You don't think it's staying up there on its own, do you?

Or, the second version of the joke...

Hold it? He must be wearing the same tights as me.

- What? - Where I come from, that's fighting talk.

- Where is he from? - Stockton-on-Tees.

You can't fool me. I can tell a banana when I see one.

- All right, tell it, then. - All right.

I'll tell it an Irish joke.

Do you know how an Irishman whistles his dog?

Rover!

- "Pardon me, Lone Bank..." - Just a minute, they're still laughing.

And we can do with a few tonight. OK, right, start going.

"Pardon me, Lone Bank Clerk, you misunderstood what Quasi meant."

It's not Quasiment. It's Quasimodo.

Quasi Mints? The ones with a hole in?

Quasi Mints, the one with the hump on!

"What he meant by 'I can tell a banana'...

..was that he did not mean

to speak to the banana because we all know bananas cannot answer back.

They are all sworn to silence by Fyffes before they are sold. Ha-ha-ha-ha."

Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Clare:

the only guy that's ever dried on autocue.

- Oh, fie! - Oh, f-a

What are you doing in this sketch?

With what she's got, she doesn't have to do anything.

I'll get the ratings of this show up if it's the last thing I do. And it sounds as if it is.

- I can feel my ratings going up. - "Stop!"

- Stop? - "You are not The Long Stranger.

You are the man who played the leg-biting canary in that last sketch."

All right! All right!

I admit it! I cannot tell a lie!

I cannot tell a lie.

Keep going, we're under time.

He cannot tell a lie.

Ohm

Overacting at its best, folks.

I've had enough of this sketch. Stop the sketch.

I'm not appearing with a guy who played a retired canary.

OK. And if you creeps don't like it, you can read this from off the idiot board.

Now then, all you men in the audience first.

Thank God they've finished.

Women:

- Don't blame me. - Louder.

I wanted to stay home and watch Reginald Bosanquet.

Men!

What's he got that I haven't?

- Women. - Awig.

Ha-ha-ha! Men.

We must be idiots for letting him do this to us.

Now women who are dwarfs.

So it's good night from him.

And it's good night from me.

And it's no good hanging around because that's the end of the sketch.

- Right, then. - Applause, please.

Would you like me to tickle? Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Good luck, sir.

Remember Mons, sir.

Mons.

And here is the late, late, late, late news.

An Irish burglar broke into Battersea Dogs Home today

and escaped with a number of bites.

And finally, at the annual sports meeting of the British Furniture Makers,

the 100 metres finished in a drawer,

the 200 metres ended in a sideboard,

and the winner of the pole vault ended up on the hat stand.

One late sports result.

Peru 3 Scotland 1.

It told you it wouldn't light again.

Oh!

Act surprised.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Good morning.

I've been sent along here by my doctor for an eye test.

He thinks I need glasses.

I think you do. This is a fish shop.

Good evening. And for those of you who like things second-hand...

Good evening.

And now the News.

There was a leak at Windscale today.

Apparently the man had been drinking all night.

Mrs Thatcher last week opened a mixed school.

When asked how the sexes were segregated, the headmaster said,

“If you must know, we go around with a crowbar and prise them apart.“

An aged couple were married today.

The bride was 98, the bridegroom was 101.

Just to be on the safe side,

at the end of the service the vicar read the burial service.

Idi Amin had a proposal rejected today.

The lady said no because she wanted a white wedding.

At the Royal Dublin Show,

the Best-Turned-Out-Horse- Of-The-Year rosette

was awarded to Lady De Barclay...

second prize went to a horse.

A blind man jilted his bride at the altar today.

He said, "It didn't feel right to me."

A woman is suing a plastic surgeon.

She wanted to have her boobs raised,

and he sent her to a garage.

And a two-year-old child brought up as a strict vegetarian

said its first words today...

"Baa.''

And now an edit in the tape!

Another edit in the tape!

Yet another edit in the tape!

Ah, saved by death!

Good evening, and er... OBE.

In this hut, a group of valiant Boy Scouts are doing something utterly pointless

in an attempt to clean up the rubbish.

I'll go inside to interview

with a view of writing a book,

which will be published by BBC Publications

and modestly priced at 59 guineas.

Cease! Cease!

Thank you. Thank you for this very royal welcome.

Hello, Huge Weldon.

Oh...

I will now read our address of welcome.

Hello!

He said hello.

Tell me, what are these ageing wolf cubs on about?

About two quid a week at the moment.

You see, what they're doing is, they're taking out the rubbish from there

and putting them into separate, if you pardon it, the word...

piles.

See? He...

He's taking them out of there and putting the tins in there,

and he is putting...

...he is putting that rubbish into there.

I see. Yes. And then?

At night, we go and dump it in the countryside.

Well, I don't like the sound of that.

Oh, there's no sound. We do it very quietly.

What I mean is, I wouldn't like to see it.

Well, don't go and see it, then.

I notice that one of your Boy Scouts here is a...

is of the female gender.

Yeah, yeah.

We er... We tumbled that.

Oh, when?

Er... in the shower.

Good heavens and bless my soul.

You mean, you all shower together?

Oh, no! No!

She showers on her own...

we just watch.

Stop it! Stop it!

Stop that! Stop that!

Scoutmaster...

We've got some of them in tonight, haven't we?

What do you do with the tons of newspapers that you salvage?

We read them.

And now then, Huge Weldon, we'd like to show you our special method

of getting rid of stale bread.

Plan B!

Now, look here, doesn't this make a mess of the Queen's countryside?

No, there's a crowd of starving Pakistanis out the back eating it.

I see. Now, what did that mean?

That means he's had enough.

And I've had enough, too, I'll tell you.

Now, then, Huw...

I'd like to show you the new great Scout salvage suit,

made out of fag packets and cardboard.

Er... what is it?

What do you mean, what is it?

You know who I am.

Dave Lodge. I was in Cockleshell Heroes.

Yeah, but look what he's in now!

Well, I give up. What is he in now?

Come off it, Huge!

That is the new British salvage suit.

I see. But look here, where can he go with it?

The rubbish tip?

What a terrible waste!

It is a terrible waist and the crutch is a bit...

I do hope Her Majesty is not looking in

because this will set my peerage back a whole year,

and it's such a pity because I've already had the stationery printed.

Here, master. Here, look.

Look what I've found in the bin.

Look, a brand-new teapot.

Oh, that's no good to salvage.

That hammer's no good at breaking it up, either.

Tell me, do you have...?

Meantime, back to the show...

Do you have a motto to conclude this great re... recycling programme?

Yes! England, land of rubbish.

And now, if Her Majesty, Mrs Queen is watching,

here is our tribute to her and her royal corgis.

♪ God save our gracious ♪ Woof!

♪ Long live your noble ♪ Woof!

Tsk, tsk.

♪ God save our ♪ Woof!

- Dear, oh, dearie me. - What?

Anti-yap!

for the husband who's had enough.

Well, we're ready, Father.

Oh, gut, mein Sohn. Ready for what?

Well, anything that's going.

I mean, I've been baptised, confirmed...

I'm not lying down, so I'm not a stiff... there's only one thing left, isn't it?

- Ein wedding! - Wedding!

All right, all right!

Not yet, not yet, not yet.

What did you say?

Look, we've got to get another make-up girl on this show.

You can't go around speaking... She thinks Germans are black.

He'll have to change the accent, won't he?

Yes, good. Those free tickets paid off over there.

Right y-ho.

Here we go, then.

Now, then...

- Black accent. - Black.

Hello there, Sapphire!

Am you with the Black And The White Minstrels?

No, Mr Bones, I am with the Woolwich.

That sounds all right, doesn't it? Is that right?

Go along with that, then. Right.

All right, my son.

Och, ah... Himmel, das...

Dat it am ein guten idea.

Ja.

It still doesn't sound right at all.

Yeah, let's get on with the wedding.

All right!

All right, up there! Are you on overtime or something?

He must be a Jewish organist.

Now, then. Now, then, where am the bride?

Bride?

What do you mean, bride?

Oh, Lordy, Lordy!

You've got to know something.

You can't have the wedding without the bride.

- Here, you're not kidding him, are you? - Are you?

I don't want you to be worried, but am he the best man?

He's the best one I could find.

You give him the ring?

No, I didn't give him a ring, he's not on the phone.

I gave him a postcard, wrote a postcard.

Without the bride, you don't have no wedding.

All right, stop it! Stop... I stopped him, right.

OK. Now, then, listen.

You want a wedding.

He's gone. He's gone.

- Now, we've got the best man. - Yes.

- I've got the bridegroom. - Yes.

I must have the woman.

Can't you wait until after the wedding?

Here, don't disappoint him. Marry him, vicar.

He wants to have children!

You can't have children on your own!

I'll bring some friends in, then.

Hello? Business been bad, then?

There's a chicken inside this prayer book.

Is it? It must be Paul to the Corinthians, chapter five, fishes and fowls.

I'll get him.

Hang on.

What about the wedding?

It's Ena Burger!

Or it's some burger.

Attention, please. Attention, please.

Come in, sketch number nine, your time is up.

What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

Once a week, Ed Welch and I write some music for the show.

This week, it's split down the middle. Very painful condition.

I've written the words of a poem called The Baboon,

which I wrote for my family,

and he's written the music for it.

And he's now going to play the piano. That's it, yes.

I will twirl this balloon.

They've started!

♪ There was a baboon

♪ Who, one afternoon

♪ Said, "I think I will fly to the sun"

♪ So with two great palms

♪ Strapped to his arms

♪ He started his take-off run

♪ Started his take-off run

♪ Mile after mile

♪ He galloped in style

♪ But never once left the ground

♪ "You're running too slow"

♪ Said a passing crow

♪ "Try reaching the speed of sound"

♪ "Reaching the speed of sound"

♪ So he put on a spurt

♪ By God, how it hurt!

♪ The soles of his feet caught on fire

♪ There were great clouds of steam

♪ As he raced through a stream

♪ But he still didn't get any higher

♪ Still didn't get any higher

♪ Racing on through the night

♪ Both his knees caught alight

♪ And smoke billowed out from his rear

♪ Quick to his aid

♪ Came a fire brigade

♪ Who chased him for over a year

♪ Chased him for over a year

♪ Many moons passed by

♪ Did Baboon ever fly?

♪ Did he ever get to the sun?

♪ I've just heard today

♪ That he's well on his way

♪ He'll be passing through Acton at one

♪ Passing through Acton at one

♪ Many moons passed by

♪ Did Baboon ever fly?

♪ Did he ever get to the sun?

♪ I've just heard today

♪ That he's well on his way

♪ He'll be passing through Acton at one

♪ Passing through Acton at one

♪ Yeah, whoa

♪ Dee-ba-ba-ba-do ♪

Evening!

Er... welcome to The Sky At Night. I'm a very bad impression of Patrick Moore.

Now, then, a new phenomenon is hitting our night sky.

My asteroids!

Living proof that that man had life in his asteroids.

Now, then, what I wanted you to see is this phenomenon

hovering over Sir Harold Wilson's country cottage.

And here now is a phenomenon hovering in bed with Diana Dors.

“ It is...“ It is...“ is...“It is!

As you can all see, it is a...

It is, as you can see, a er... an unidentified flying sausage,

a mistake we can all make.

Now, then, over to a remarkable interview

with a man who has invented glass-bottom knickers

for old ladies who want a good view of the seat.

Slow the train down. Pshh!

Now, the passengers going, "Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo..."

Good! Now, then...

We couldn't afford the sound effects, you see.

Inspector Thunsplatzir, tell me,

you have actually seen one of these flying sausages?

Oh, more than that, sir.

I have actually seen one of them flying sausages.

- Oh, argh. - You've actually seen one?

- Oh, argh! - You've actually seen one, oh, argh?

Oh, argh!

Would you like to describe one of these UFS to me?

Oh, argh-ha-argh!

- Yes. - Pardon?

He said, "Oh, argh! Yes."

What's the matter with him? Translations he wants already?

It's lssy Bonn!

All right, then, I'll tell you what,

what is red on the outside, black on the inside and screams?

I don't know.

It's ldi Amin going over a cliff in a bus.

Well, there you have it.

Are we being watched by unidentified flying sausages

or is it ldi Amin going over a cliff in a bus?

Now, then, what is black and charred, and hangs from a ceiling?

An Irish electrician.

What is blue and runs down old ladies' legs?

It's...

Anchors Aweigh

Oh! Oh.

Good evening, and er... Or it's going to be.

This year is army recruiting year, isn't it, dear?

Anything you say, Major!

Right! Fall out!

No.

I'll rephrase that. No, no, no.

Now, I want you to watch this army recruiting film.

So run telecine.

Man's an idiot.

Anchors Aweigh

We in the Grenadier Guards have got this Hugh Hefner chappie.

Who am writin' the Playboy of the Western World

and living in a circular bed in an ongoing leg-over situation.

Let us be going over now to see what progress he am making

at the NAAFI.

Good evening, and welcome to another Michael Parkinson show.

I'm only on it because my name happens to be the same.

Er... well, that and the girl with the big boobs. You know...

What happened, in fact, was I gave Spike Milligan 50 quid

to get the dressing room next to her,

and then I spent another 50 quid on a Black & Decker.

I'd better get on with this rubbish because it's all part of the contract.

What's it say here? Right, "Stand up." OK, right.

Good evening. It is indeed a great honour...

...to appear with a man like Spike Milligan.

I'm standing outside the wonderful new Grenadier Guards

Solderama Massage & Sauna Club.

Good evening.

I am now standing inside the wonderful new Solderama Massage & NAAFI Club.

Who wrote this crap?

Cigarettes! Matches!

Starters. Hello, Parky.

Hello, sailor.

Don't get me wrong, you know who I am, don't you?

- No. - Dave Lodge. I was in Cockleshell Heroes.

Here.

I'm only doing this for the readies. Look out, here he comes.

Cigarettes! Matches! Cigars!

Cheeks together! Keep the cheeks together!

Keep that 10p in place.

Good evening, darling.

I am your hat check girl, Sergeant Sandy MacNabs, VC, DSO, MN.

That's a funny way to spell MacNabs.

I'll do the funnies in the show, Parky.

Now, then, darling, I am your bunny for the evening... darling.

But...

But you are not allowed to touch any erogenous zones.

This means you don't get any opportunity knockers.

However, as compensation, I want you to say when.

- All right? - Beautiful.

Right, I'd like to say, all the boobs gags in this show are written by Neil Shand.

You're Michael Parkinson, aren't you?

You're on this programme cos you're after the girl with the big boobs.

Spoilsport.

Your arm's broken.

That's not the Lord Louis Mountbatten that I interviewed.

Very good. No, no, that is definitely not him.

- Well, who is it? - That's the duty homosexual.

Does he know he's got his bra on back to front?

No, no. He's twisted, you see.

It's twist or bust.

- I'll never appear on your show again. - I'll see to that.

Right. Now, then. Now, then, it is time for your cabaret.

Stand by, then. One, two, three, hey!

Hup, now! Thank you.

Now, then!

♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina

Two, three, four!

Hey, hup!

♪ The truth is I've never left you

Hey'. Hup, were'. When-hey'.!

All through the lean years...

Two, three, four! Hup, now!

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ohh

One, two, three, four! And in!

♪ I keep my promise

£80“.

Oh.

Good evening, Mr Parkinsull.

Would you care for a mug of wine?

I'd love one. Thank you, that's very kind.

Thank you. What year is it?

1979, sir.

It's on top of all the newspapers.

Milk and sugar?

It's his own suit, watch out.

You're a thing of such exquisite beauty...

enchantment and charm,

I find it difficult to believe that you're a man.

What else do you find difficult to believe?

That you've forgotten your lines?

- Have I forgotten my lines? - Yes.

Say after me, "I also find it very hard to believe what I'm saying."

- That's right. - Camera three.

I find it difficult to believe I'm saying these sodding lines.

I assure you that this is a man.

And I shall give you the full-frontal test.

Bill, full-frontal man test! Go!

Hairy legs! Hairy legs.

That had you worried, didn't it?

- It had us all worried. - Yes.

And you had a nasty flash during the rehearsal this afternoon.

Showed his fireman's ladder.

Now, then. No, sir, this is lovely borrowing Bob Todd,

first-class topless waitress and Centurion tank driver.

Does he get anything extra for being a topless waitress?

Yes, double pneumonia.

It's a lot better than Hughie Green's Double Your Money.

- Sir! - And that was the cue for my second song.

Queue? What queue? I don't see a queue.

Look, don't try and top me, Mr Parkinsult.

One of these days, you are going to run out of guests on your TV show.

And then what? Back to the Northern Echo again, isn't it?

Also at the wedding was...

giving kids 20p to break bricks in windows, so you could write a story.

Never mind about all that. What about the bird with the boobs?

What's this about you and Gene Kelly?

Right, Private Shand, Scots Guards.

Fall them out, please! Left, right.

What's the matter? Couldn't you find the soap?

Oh, no, it's the Black Watch.

Who wrote that line, the one about Gene Kelly and him?

- I did, Sarge. - All right, then.

Will you tell the audience how it happened?

Yes. I said to Spike, “I've got this marvellous idea for you and Mike Parkinson.“

I said, "You say to Mike Parkinson,

'What's all this I hear about you and Gene Kelly?"'

And it'll get a smashing laugh.

Yeah, it didn't get a smashing big laugh, though, did it?

You say it to him like I said it to him.

What's all this I hear about you and Gene Kelly?

And again, son. One more time, please.

What's all this I hear about you and Gene Kelly?

Right, very good, son. One more time, please.

Keep going. I know it's...

What's all this I hear about...

I'm sorry, I came in too soon then. I came in too soon.

You say it one more time and I'll wait.

Right, off you go-

What's all this I hear about you and Gene Kelly?

- You finished? - Yes.

Now, then, don't think the line's getting the laugh,

it's the custard pies.

Mind you, they get bigger laughs at the BBC canteen when they're trying to flog them!

And we have to end the sketch there because you've too much up your 'ooter.

Never mind about all that. Listen, what about the bird?

She's in Room 69.

- Room 69? - 69, yes.

- Thank you. - You'll find the appliances on the sideboard.

I'd like to read this excerpt in the Reader's Digest.

Thank you.

Now, this is a true advert in this paper.

Zenith atomic clock, powered by solar batteries,

will run for 100 years.

Guaranteed for 12 months.

And now, here is the late News.

Racing motorist Getta Fittapaldi told a judge his wife didn't understand him.

Asked why, he said she was Bulgarian.

She admitted later she could neither read nor write English.

Granting a decree nisi, the judge said she did sound like an ignorant Bulgar.

The bodies of three bank robbers were found encased in cement

at the bottom of the Mersey Docks.

The police said they believe them to be hardened criminals.

Finally, an Irishman jumped off the top of the GPO Tower today,

and the Irish Athletic Commission are claiming it as a world-record long jump.

Good night.