Original subtitles

Good evening.

Tonight, a party political broadcast

on behalf of the Labour Exchange...

Erm... Labour Party.

The Right Honourable Mr Jim Daft.

Good evening.

Some misguided people, including Mrs Thatcher,

are suggesting there's a high level of unemployment in the country.

Here's a film that we've made to disprove it entirely.

He's in Cockleshell Heroes!

Thank you, Jeeves. Same time tomorrow.

Here, if you're out of work, how can you afford a butler?

Out of work?

Tut, tut.

I am not out of work,

I am only unemployed.

Well, you don't dress like it.

I look more unemployed than you! Rip!

No, no, no, no, no.

You look exactly what you are - out of work.

I only look unemployed.

It is a far, far better thing I do...

Well, don't do it in here, there aren't any windows!

And what are you - out of work, or unemployed?

Neither, old son. I am resting.

Resting?

Then why aren't you laying down on the deck?

Because I am not playing a death scene. Ah!

Oh, oh, oh.

I don't know where they get this lot from.

They're ruining the reputation of Mayfair Labour Exchange.

And what about you, Curry-Crazy Dick?

What are you - unemployed, out of work or resting?

Neither, neither, neither, neither. I'm meditating.

Meditating? What are you meditating about?

I'm meditating about my supplementary benefits.

What happened to good old-fashioned "out of work"?

Nothing happened to it.

It was merely upgraded to remove the stigma.

To think I died in the last war for blokes like him!

Well, listen to me, treacle dick,

I'm not unemployed, I am on strike.

Freeze frame.

Yes, there are not as many people out of work

as the Conservatives would have you believe.

In fact, out of 2 million workless, 1 million are unemployed,

250,000 are resting,

500,000 are on strike,

and the rest are meditating.

This brings the number of actual people out of work down to seven,

most of whom are in the Labour Government.

Don't forget, vote Labour - it beats working!

Good evening.

Household How To Do-It-Yourself No.2.

Tonight, I'm gonna show you how to start your own wine cellar.

Hello, cobbers.

What? What's that?

What? Yeah.

Welcome to the er... What?

Yeah, I know, yeah.

Welcome to the Jubilee Q7 show.

Remember, this show isn't seen in Australia.

Remember, there's an immigration office in your town.

Cheers!

Who let Kerry Packer in?

Keith Smeel.

Sheila Steigel.

John Blugal.

Dave Logal.

John Coding.

Richard Attenborough.

Ruben Hanging.

Stella Klanzy.

Rita Welg.

Spire Mellington.

These men all have an appetite for sex, peas and chips.

Girls with big boobs are warned to avoid them.

Unless they're driving steamrollers, in which case, go right over them

and we'll use the bodies as bookmarkers in the police library.

Evening, all. Argh!

♪ Land of hope and glory

♪ Mother of the free... ♪

That's enough. That's enough.

Off you go.

Watch this.

They've invented a doll that commits suicide.

Ought to make a fortune.

Good evening.

If you don't clean your teeth...

By the way, the Radio Times call this show Q7 - aren't they clever?

Incidentally, recently The Guardian raised its price to 15p,

and that took it out of the fish shops

and onto the smoked salmon counter at Harrods.

Harrods - the new name is Harrobs.

Recently, from The Guardian, they quoted a thing, they said,

"Q7 - oddball comedy show."

Yes, folks, it's the oddball comedy show

and you have to guess which one of us has it.

Right.

White rabbits - supposed to be lucky.

This one isn't, he goes in the pot tomorrow.

Come on, eat up your food.

By the way...

Eat your dinner! Come on! Eat! What's the matter with you?

It's a vegetarian! Fool! That's why they're small.

We've got quite a bit of fan mail. Here it is.

What? It's a very nice letter.

Let me read it.

Thank you.

What's this? A triangle!

What are you saying over there?

What's this say? "Made in Bermuda"?

Devil's Galop

That's a tourist trap, Molly!

You rang?

- What? - You rang?

No, you twit, that was the bell!

People don't go around ringing, going, "Ling-a-lang-lang-lang."

No, I wish to complain about "the luxury

£3 for 20 days lost forever in the Bermuda Triangle holiday".

Why? What went wrong?

What went wrong? Everything!

For a start, she didn't disappear without trace!

Did you, Rita?

Rita?

My name's Molly!

Yes, of course. I was thinking about her.

Thinks!

- Here, are you two married? - No, we're just practising.

After all, practice makes perfect.

Well, if it does, he's got a ruddy long way to go, then!

Look, Rita, I wish you'd keep our sex life quiet.

Then why don't you oil them blasted bed springs, then?

They warn the children when not to come in, that's why!

I've lost quite a bit of money on this trip.

- Precisely how much? - Precisely, er... lots.

I mean, confidentially, I have booked three times

for her to disappear without a trace in the Bermuda Triangle,

and each time she comes back to me at the laundromat like a homing sock.

Oh, yes?

"Oh, yes"? That's no bleeding good!

"Oh, yes"! I want to get rid of her! Look at her.

She's got a face like a dog's bum with a hat on!

No, no. Listen.

I want you to guarantee to get rid of her without trace.

Then I can go back to her.

Thinks.

You don't want the Bermuda Triangle, you want the Eternal one.

And you want...

I see.

Could this be the Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town?

Don't tell him. Don't tell him.

Married women are not allowed to disappear in the Bermuda Triangle

- unless they are accompanied. - I'll get Mrs Mills to play for her.

No.

It must be the husband, or whoever oils the bed springs.

The bed springs? Right. Right, then, look.

I've gotta get rid of her.

I mean, I've had ten years of hell with her,

followed by 40 of marriage.

I tell you, there's nothing left of me below the waist.

I've got photographs to prove it!

Very well. I will sacrifice myself and go with her.

But first, a farewell song to my love.

Thinks.

♪ The hills are alive with the sound of music ♪

I am not a farewell song,

but the way he sings, you're better off in the gutter with me!

You wanna hear a beaut bobbydazzler Australian story?

Wait for it.

What's big, beautiful and weighs 40,000 tonnes?

Do you give in?

A boatload of Poms being sent back to England.

Mind the doors.

Ah! Another two for the Bermuda Triangle?

He's a foreigner - keep your frock well over your knees. Hide it.

Ah, yes.

Voulez-vous disappeared without trace, then?

Ja.

Ein foreigner, my dear. Here, keep your hand on it.

Ja, I disappeared on mein submarine.

No, no, not me. I never was on submarines.

I had bad feet.

- I was upping my submarine. - Oh, yeah?

Comes a signal from the fuhrer, "Stop upping!

The war, for you, is over!"

Vanished without trace.

- Cigaretta? - Nein!

He's a greedy swine!

Say...

- Tommy Atkins. - Tommy Atkins?

Tommy Atkins, why you have to go so far from England for your disasters?

Well, you see, we don't get the sun with our disasters.

When you pull them out, they're all white and pasty.

But overseas, like my brother, Lord Rothermere,

he was run over by a tram in Argentina,

and when they dragged him out, he was lovely and brown.

Except where the wheels went, of course, yes.

♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina

♪ The truth is, I've never met you ♪

What other TV show gives you a smile, a song and a load of crappy jokes?

But look here - you have better disasters in England.

Like what?

Leylands.

Leylands? Do you drive one?

When they make one, I'll drive one.

All right.

MY God!

How can you talk about going to a party

when, here we are, lost without trace in the Bermooda Trongle?

What's he on about?

My God! The ground, it's coming up too fast!

What's the matter with him?

Bomb, bomb! The flak! Damn that flak!

Junkers 88 at ten o'clock!

Here, sorry to interrupt your overacting...

- You don't know me. - God has been good to me.

Has he?

Deirdre.

Thinks.

Here!

These thinks boobs look very much like my own dearest's thinks boobs.

And she can't have four!

Ahoy, me hearties! Hello, Jim boy!

Tickets, please!

Disaster. Tickets, please.

Look, dear, it's Long John Saliva, the spitting image of his dad.

- Look here, I wanna get off. - Oh, really?

-I wanna get off this Tombola Triangle thing.

Avast, ye lubber!

I can't avast my lubbers any more.

I keep telling you, I've got nothing left below the waist.

Well, avast this lubber, then!

Nobody gets off the Bermuda Disappearing Triangle

until book sales have reached 5 million,

and we've only just passed the 2 million.

Pull yourself together, Tommy Atkins!

We will all sing!

Sing together!

♪ God save our gracious Queen

♪ Long live our noble Queen

♪ God save our Queen

♪ Send her victorious... I'

Very strange. Very strange.

♪ Happy and glorious... I'

Hello, Dog, this is Tango.

Reporting the sound of God Save The Queen

coming up a drain hole in Catford.

What does it mean?

MAN, ON RADIO: It means you're pissed and off the force!

The Bermuda Triangle claims another victim.

Freeze frame.

This is Ed Welch, and this is a piano,

and between them, his wife and two children here,

they're gonna play a number he wrote called The Goose Walk.

This is called a human being's walk.

Ah!

I'll bet you thought that was a Turner painting, didn't you?

No, no, it is just a sweep of the English countryside.

As you can see, it could do with a good sweep.

Some people say that do-it-yourself people are nutcases.

Well, I give them the lie.

There, darling.

There, the house is all fresh and new, all ready for visitors.

I've got my Odor Eaters in.

Isn't that lovely? Rose of England Fresh Air.

"Made in Korea.

Do not use indoors. Call doctor."

I see.

I think I'll give myself a touch of the mystic East.

I see that Crossroads will be on soon.

So get ready to switch off.

♪ Sally

♪ Sally ♪

- What do you think of that? - What?

That tune.

♪ Sally

♪ Sally ♪

That's 40 years old!

Ah, well, I'm gonna update it. Listen to this.

♪ Sally, Sally

♪ Don't cry for me, Argen-Sally

♪ The truth is, I've never missed you ♪

I'll be glad when World War lll comes and he's off again.

With any luck, I'll get the widow's pension this time.

♪ All things bright and beautiful -Oh, oh, oh!

♪ All creatures great and... ♪ - Oh, oh, oh!

Here, who's that?

"Who's that"? It's our daughter!

Blast!

Just my luck!

Dad, there's an Arab sheik pulling up outside.

What's he pulling up outside?

- He's in a white Rolls-Royce. - White Rolls-Royce?

They'd do anything to disguise their camels!

I was in Alamein - I know all about wogs!

I've seen what they can do to the side of a road.

Now, then, Nivea...

Nivea!

...if you wanna save your skin, Nivea...

...if you wanna save your skin, cover those exposed pads.

- In your case, that's most of you. - Yes, Dad.

What are they doing?

Here, the sun's gone in.

No, it hasn't. Take the cap off.

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

You have broken the environmental laws of England, sir.

- That's a very serious charge. - Diplomatic immunity.

That won't save you, sir.

That will save you, sir.

I'll find some Englishmen to blame, sir.

Yes, sir, it'll be perfectly all right, sir. Diplomatic immunity, sir.

Here, did you see that?

Those wogs have pitched all their crap onto our pavement.

You dirty devils!

That's where we pitch our crap!

Wait a minute, they're coming in.

They must have seen that ad in the paper I put in.

I better make myself presentable. The question is, how?

Er...

Come in.

Er...

Welcome to Lewisham.

You're welcome to it, too.

I am Mahmoud Isfahan Khalil Abdullah VII.

I'm Dick.

Infidel!

Here, that lino was new only last year!

Diplomatic immunity.

No, it's not, it's gob!

Now, look here, white scum,

are you the infidel that advertised building land

and ladies' black underwear

in the Mecca Daily Express?

Yes, I've got the... The building land is here, sir.

Right here. Have a look at this.

And they say they don't need any help!

In my country, this is an invitation.

- What is it? - I keep telling you, it's gob!

No, this!

Prime inner-London building land.

- Building land? - Yes.

The exalted one says, "Is that all there is?"

Tell him there's another bucketload of it in the khazi.

I habe ein udder in das keller.

What did she say?

She said, "Stop gobbing on the carpet!"

He says...

Does he? Well, you tell him...

This is very small for building land.

Small?

Why, only last week, that had a herd of deer on it.

- What happened to them? - They fell off.

And this land's got fishing rights.

Fishing?

Where is the river?

Here's some of it now.

You get the rest later, when you give the down payment.

- That's a... - Where is the fish?

It's in the fridge - we didn't want it to go off.

- Your turn. - That's the famous River Ouse.

The River Ouse, the River Ouse!

That runs into the River Ahs!

Hence the saying, "the oohs and ahs."

They haven't got our subtle sense of humour.

None of them have.

How much is she?

She's nine stone, ten pounds.

And you can see where most of it is.

Ooh! Ah!

Stop that, you'll go blind!

Dick, I think our Nivea's school days are over.

I better stop him, or he'll get a lump in his groin.

Here, stop that, or I'll call the vice squad!

I'll get a bucket of water.

Diplomatic immunity.

I've never seen one like that before.

It did look a bit "seedy", didn't it?

Five times a night.

♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina

♪ The truth is, I've never... ♪

Don't play that thing so loud!

I don't want the neighbours to hear what's going on in there!

I do! It's a change to hear our bed springs going again.

♪ Don't... ♪

Here!

I knew he'd overdo it!

Here!

He done that, as well!

Goodnight, Vienna

♪ Goodnight, Vienna

♪ You city of a million melodies

♪ Our hearts are thrilling to the strains that you play

♪ From dawn, till the daylight dies

♪ Goodnight, Vienna

♪ Where moonlight fills the air with mystery

♪ And eyes are shining to the gypsy guitars

♪ That sing to the starry sky

♪ Enchanted city of Columbine and Pierrot

♪ We know the magic of your spell

♪ Of our romances, you're the hero

♪ Now is the time to say farewell

♪ Goodnight, Vienna

♪ Now lovers kiss beneath your linden tree

♪ The world is waiting on the edge of the day

♪ Just waiting to say... I'

♪ Land of hope and glory

♪ Mother of the free

♪ How can we... ♪

Hi, everybody!

This show is called... What?

What's it called?

We've done it all before, haven't we?

Right.

Good evening.

Good evening!

Or if you're Irish...

Good evening, sir.

Or if you're in Rhodesia, goodbye.

Now, here's a way of breaking eggs without dirtying your hands.

Right.

And here's a way of losing weight rapidly.

Another thing - stains.

Here's a way of saving money on stains by not buying washing powder.

Now, food bills - here's a way of cutting down on family food bills.

Steady now, steady now, steady now.

Now, take all your clothes off, stand in front of a mirror naked.

When you've stopped screaming, see if you can do this.

Watch this. Watch the monitor.

You fool, camera two!

You've given away the secret of a year!

That's all they do give away at the BBC.

Get the Odor Eaters! The Odor Eaters!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, dear!

- Why have we stopped? - Yes, why?

Why? Because I have just discovered

that we are all seriously unemployed.

- Especially the horse. - The horse.

This is a good place for it.

- Good morning. - Just a minute.

"Just a minute." He's going to be just a minute.

Just time to switch to the other channel. Might be a good commercial.

Katie Boyle doing something. "Beat these eggs..."

- Now, what is it? - Tea.

Now, then, do you read the tea leaves?

No, I read the Mirror.

That's funny, I comb my hair in mine!

Right. Name?

Name - Herbert Scrackle Esq, Acme Steel Corporation.

Where's that?

It's parked outside.

Temporary address - Beryl Mews.

Beryl Mews? Watch this.

- Fred Barks. - Fred what?

- I said, "Fred Barks." - What about Fred Barks?

I better explain this joke to him.

You see, you said, like, "Beryl Mews." Meow.

And I said, "Fred Barks."

Woof, woof, woof. Like that.

It must be terrible to be born without a sense of humour.

Like me.

Are you and these herberts unemployed?

No, we have a temporary cash flow problem.

- What does that mean? - We're skint.

Skint?

- Who are these blokes? - BIones? Blones?

These blones...

These blones are my directors.

- What wages are they used to? - They're not used to any wages.

We don't have any jobs without wages.

- No jobs. - Just a minute!

He's gonna be just a minute.

- I tell a lie. - He's told a lie.

We have some jobs vacant since 1940, if you're interested.

Oh, yes.

- Ah, yes. - Ah, yes?

- No money. - No money?

Luncheon vouchers. And a free wig.

Wig? Supposing we're not bald?

- You get a comb. - I see.

I just have to talk to my directors about this.

Oh!

He said he's got a job...

...job going here with the luncheon vouchers and the wigs.

What do you think?

I feel hungry.

- I feel hungry. - Yes.

My guts are starting to rumble like the Central Line.

Line.

Very well, then, we accept this job.

- Wigs, did you say? - Yes.

Inside leg - 73 small.

All clear. All clear.

All clear.

All clear up there.

Is there anybody in here?

All clear, Mrs Groves.

Thank you!

All clear.

♪ We'll meet again

♪ Don't know where... ♪

All clear. All clear. All clear, all clear.

Ooh!

All clear now, madam. You are perfectly safe now.

All right, six o'clock by the jam factory.

- Fire! Fire! - Don't worry.

- Get it out. Get that fire. - That's it.

That's it. That's it.

Get the blanket.

There we are. That's all right.

There we are.

So, Trevor and I stay in the canoe. We're paddling away.

I dived overboard...

All right, sir. I've got rid of the fire in your pipe

and stopped it spreading to the rest of your body.

Are you with the ARP?

No, we're with the Woolwich.

What a great country this is!

Here was I, lighting a fire

that could have brought the wrath of the Luftwaffe

on this poor defenseless bus queue.

But, thanks to the vigilance of this one man,

we can sleep safe in our beds tonight.

Em'. Beep, beep, beep'.!

To Marble Arch. Hurry along, please.

Holding very tight, please. Ding, ding!

We had to stop there, that sketch was getting ridiculous.

What do you mean "ridiculous"?

Well, because the chap at the end was absurd.

No, it wasn't absurd.

You're white, you don't understand it.

- It's gonna be racial, is it? - Oh, yes.

You did not like the man cos he was a Pakistani conductor.

Shut up! Here we go again!

What do you mean?

Good evening.

This afternoon, our first visit is to this morning's contest at Olympia

for the Male of the Year Show tonight,

where our reporter, Keith Smith, is waiting this afternoon.

- Hello! - Hello.

And welcome to Crufts Male of the Year Show.

Yes, yes.

There's been a record number of entries, which, in itself, is a record.

Now, I'm standing next to the organiser,

who is also standing next to me,

Major Startling Grope.

Am I? Oh, yes.

Yes, well, we've got a large number of breeds here today.

I think I've got a few myself here.

Got him! Had his mother this morning.

Oh, I see. I see.

What? What?

- Leicester City 3, Brentford 7. - Seven?

Good heavens, of course it's seven!

- Yes. - Yes.

Now, let's take a look...

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Over there.

Let's take a look at some of the entries.

This is the Class B Knacker's Yard Husband.

He's entered by Mrs...

Mrs Terrible.

That must be her.

She's entered him under the name of Come Here, You Swine!

Yes!

- 've got him house-trained now. - You rotten cow.

- Watch. - You rotten cow!

- Come Here, You Swine! - You cow!

- One day, you rotten cow! - Shut up!

- Shut up yourself, you rotten cow! - Get back there!

Get back! Get back there, You Swine!

Mrs Terrible, what...

What? What?

- Arsenal 2, Birmingham 1. - Birmingham 1.

What's that? That's three draws.

Three draws.

Would you tell me what training method she uses?

- She uses bars. - Bars?

Iron bars.

If he doesn't do as she tells him, she bats him over the head with one.

Makes a wonderful noise. Give it to him.

Ah, ah! Now, what have we got here?

It's a microphone, isn't it?

What? Testing! Yes, that's a microphone.

Can you tell us what class this is?

Yes, dear. No, dear.

Yes, dear.

This is the House-Trained Grovelling Bank Manager Husband.

His wife has entered him under the name of Little Willy.

I suppose she knows. Yes.

It says here she keeps him quiet with a bar of chocolate,

and if he's good she lets him have a nibble on Sunday morning.

I suppose he's worried about his run in the park?

He's worried about his run on the pound!

- Yes. - Wait for it to get the laugh!

Didn't get the laugh, carry on. Good luck.

Well, I'm taking him to the vet tomorrow to have that put right.

Oh, the unkindest cut of all.

Oh, shut up! Get out of it!

This husband is entered in the Fear of Work Class.

Entered under the name of Lout.

It says there that he does odd jobs around the house.

Yes, and she has to clean them up after him.

It's hell in there! That's why he's here.

Can't get in the place, it's hell. All the windows are open.

- What breed is he? - Old English Leyland Worker.

Ah, he's a very striking breed.

- Yes, he's on strike now. - What's he striking for?

He hasn't made up his mind about that yet.

- Mrs Wretch. - Yes?

- Does he need much exercise? - Oh, no, no.

A once-a-week walk to the labour exchange and back keeps him fit.

Is he a...

- I mean, is he obedient? - Oh, yes. Watch this.

- He'll get points for this. - Here, boy!

- See? - Of course I didn't see!

What's the matter with you? Is it anchovy and fish?

No...

Now, let us take a look at the class...

What?

And the latest score from Hampden Park is Scotland 2, England 15.

The goalposts are still standing.

But no one else is.

We interrupt this Crufts Male of the Year Show

to interrupt Ed Welch in concert

He plays Fritha's Theme from the LP Snow Goose.

Tottenham 3, Spurs 1.

Fritha's Theme

Music, translation and telepathy -

this is our subject tonight.

To conduct this experiment,

we have with us in the studio

the famous saxophone player Ronnie Scott,

and that well-known person, Spine Millington.

Using electrodes, which are connected to a computer,

we will watch

as Millington will turn into words and shapes of plastic

the music of Ronnie Splott.

He's playing the saxophone.

He's still playing it.

Try, Mr Millington, to turn it into your own kind of poetry.

Poetry.

There was a young lady of Eating, scratching her bum in...

No, no.

Mr Millington, you must try to go back to your inner ego

and give us the words

that describe the music which you are about to hear.

Pass.

Can I have that question again?

No no no!.

La-la-laa...

- Mr Splott, if you would hold it... - I was just...

What we're trying to do...

If you can't actually say something that comes through from the music,

perhaps you could do something.

Do something?

I know that!

England 0, Switzerland 29.

That series of musical conversations from the Open University

has now been published under the titles

Long-Burning Books For Cold Winter's Nights.

Action!

I am a Klondike barmaid.

I have big knockers, so do not adjust your set.

My statistics are 44-18-36.

Reading 3, Queens Park Rangers 4.

That's another three draws.

Well, gentlemen, please adjust my dress before leaving.

I am a moderate drinker,

but an excessive vicar.

I only have one drink a night.

My dear, thank you.

Cheers I say unto you!

I'm Doc Holliday,

and I'm dying.

You're dying? The whole show's dying!

I used to carry two six-guns,

but with government cutbacks,

I now just own this large ferocious killer dog.

Sick him!

So, the operation was a failure.

I'm Dave Lodge, and I'm worried.

I've got no idea why they've dressed me up like this,

or where they got my measurements!

Still, now they've gone to all this trouble,

I think I'll do my Doris Day impersonation.

♪ Some day he'll come along

He'll come along.

♪ The man I love

The man he loves.

♪ And he'll be big and strong

Big and strong.

♪ The man I love

The man he loves.

♪ And when he comes my... ♪

This is one way of getting the camera's attention.

OK, a bunch of boys were whooping it up at the Malamute Saloon.

The boy that played the piano was playing a ragtime tune.

When out of the night, all covered in... things, came Dangerous Dan McGrew.

Somebody's knocked it off.

OK, I'll do the gun spinning.

Very interesting, but what was that for?

That was for camera three, this is for you.

Nobody try anything funny! I get the laughs in this show!

- OK, let's see you get some. - All right, then.

There was two lrishmen, one said to the other,

“My daughter's marrying a guy called O'Reilly.“

He said, “Oh, really?“ He said, “No, O'Reilly.“

OK, so I don't get the laughs in the show.

Just for that, take your partners

for This Didn't Audience Laugh At That Joke one-step.

You fool! You've shot Dick the cellar man.

It's back again!

Sorry, madam!

Now, then...

...why aren't you two dancing?

Because... - Wait for the laugh.

- Yes? - She's got a weak chest.

- Who's talking to you? - You are!

- Right! Ever been killed before? - No!

Here's the first time.

You've shot my Dick again!

She must be deformed!

Fang, the throat!

- Not me! Not me! Not me! - No, no, no.

Kill, Fang! Kill!

OK, I've killed Fang, what now?

You fool!

Fang is a guide dog for the blind.

Did you hear that?

Fang is a guide dog for the blind!

Why are you shouting?

Cos he's a guide dog for the deaf.

Didn't you hear me?

Oh, dear! A ricochet!

I'm not stopping in a show where a dog gets the payoff.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

So, they didn't write me a happy ending, I'll make my own!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Next week sees the opening of the new German opera season

at Covent Garden,

and here is a preview of what you will be seeing.

Everything is Fresh Today

♪ In a little town where I belong

♪ There's a most accomplished fellow

♪ He's the leader of the village choir

IAnd his voice is warm and mellow

♪ He drives a fruit cart around the street

♪ And everybody knows it

♪ He doesn't sing or rave about his fruit

♪ He simply blows it

♪ He's doing it all day long

♪ It's better than any song

♪ Though it isn't very pretty

♪ You've got to admit it's cute

♪ So, all together, let it go

♪ Eat more fruit

♪ It's certainly come to stay

♪ It's a treat to hear him say

♪ “Hey, fruit's in season, plenty berries

♪ Apples, plums and the old raspberries"

♪ "Everything is fresh today"

♪ Every Friday night when work is done

♪ He never wastes a minute

♪ To the village hall he hurries round

♪ Where he sings just like a linnet

♪ To hear him blow a melody

♪ It's great, you can't deny it

♪ And if you've nothing else to do

♪ I'd like you all to try it

♪ Get ready and do it now

♪ It's easy when you know how

♪ Though it isn't very pretty

♪ You've got to admit it's cute

♪ So, all together, let it go

♪ Eat more fruit

♪ It's certainly come to stay

♪ It's a treat to hear him say

♪ "Hey, do-ti-la-so-fa-me-re-do"

♪ "Everything is fresh today"

♪ It's certainly come to stay

♪ It's a treat to hear him say

♪ “Hey, fruit's in season, plenty berries

♪ Apples, plums and the old raspberries"

♪ "Everything is fresh today" ♪

Good evening. Here is the late night news.

This evening, a Ms Ethel Lester lost a yellow pencil in Durham.

And that's the end of the late night news.

Boring, wasn't it?

- Spike. Spike. - Yes, yes?

Yes, yes. What do you think we'd get for this show in America?

The chair.

♪ Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!

♪ Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!

Bong!

I'll be glad when this thing's mended.

Yes! Yes, it's... What is it?

What? It's the Q7 Jubilee Show.

With what?

The show with a royal flavour. What?

Horseradish.

Let Philip in!

A royal good evening to all you and your husbands.

And that goes for the coloured people.

Many people want to know why we call this show Q7.

Well, so do we.

Why not write in and tell us why you think we call this show Q7,

then go to the top of the class and jump off?

And now, let me introduce you to this mammoth cast.

This mammoth cast is Robert Dorning. Say “A gottle of geer.“

I once appeared in The Red Shoes ballet.

I was the cobbler.

Critics say he was one of the finest dancing cobblers they've ever seen.

They didn't say who played the other one.

Next, please!

Ah! John Collins is a drink. This one is a drunk.

John is not feeling himself this evening.

He'll be doing that later on, privately tonight.

Next, please!

Ah!

This is... No, I'll rephrase that.

These are...

Julia Breck.

We're all safe because she's on it.

You are on it, aren't you? Thank God for that.

Next, please!

This is a Keith Smith.

It proves that dead people can still carry on living.

Mind you, he can't carry anything else.

He's currently playing the lead in several French postcards.

You must rest. Next, please!

Next, please!

This is the late John Bluthal.

Late? I gotta get a watch!

- Right. - Right.

- Voilà! - So that's a voilé!

Oh!

That is the new moon.

You have got to cross the Gypsy's palm with silver.

Have we?

Funny, he doesn't look Jewish.

He's only seen me from the top half.

Ah!

Ah?

- Ad-libbing. - Ah-ha-ha!

- Ah-ha-ha-ha! - He's a great ad-libber.

He ad-libbed for dinner.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

- What do you see? - I see a glass ball.

- A glass ball? - Yes.

Pilkington's Annual Dance!

Wait. They might laugh more. Wait.

Where did they get this lot? Carry on.

Ah!

Ah! You are about to do a comedy sketch.

Comedy? I must warm up with some funny jokes.

Did you hear about the Irishman, how to call his dog?

Rover!

- Did you hear about the Irish turkey? - What about the Irish turkey?

It was looking forward to Christmas!

Now, then.

- What about me? - What about you?

Well, I'm David Lodge.

What a good memory he's got for names.

- I was in Cockleshell Heroes. - Were you?

We're in the wrong cemetery.

That was a wonderful film and I was so proud to be in it.

I remember the day I was selected for my wonderful pad...

Give my love to Anne Shelton.

- Darling. - Oh!

Good evening.

The psychological trauma suffered by criminals

who have been arrested can be a terrifying thing.

Especially if the man isn't guilty.

Likewise, the wives and children also suffer.

Therefore, the police are trying a new psychological approach

when arresting a criminal.

This is the place.

Ah.

This is the place.

"Dunrobbin."

Do not forget the new humanitarian approach.

Gentility and tact.

Supposing it don't work?

Then...

Give it to 'em right up the old Niagaras.

Here, Sergeant. It's my turn to knock.

It must be Tuesday.

Hello, little girl.

Whose little girl are you?

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

I am Lolita Scrubbs.

Ammonia.

Mummy says I must not talk to transvestite policemen.

Funny, I came over all giddy then.

Oh! We are not transvestite policemen, are we?

No, we're not.

Boing!

No! We are your friendly visiting district crime squad.

- You must be mad. - Yes.

- This is not a friendly district. - Well...

Funny, it happened again.

I must be in the change.

No! We are your friendly visiting district crime squad.

Observe.

♪ Ring-a-ring of roses

♪ A pocket full of posies

♪ A-tishoo! A-tishoo!

♪ We all fall down ♪

Odour-Eaters!

Mummy empties it every morning.

Oh!

Well done, lads.

Now that was just a touch of reality.

So was that.

A very good test reaction.

It's a quickie! It's a quickie!

Welcome back!

It shows how your persistent kindness to this little girl has borne fruit.

No.

She didn't give us any fruit.

Thank you, Inspector.

It's not too heavy for you, is it?

No, sir.

So, this is how they get promotion.

It don't half hurt!

Look at this!

Let's see your reaction to gain the confidence

of the criminal's wife.

Plan B.

♪ Oh, Rose Marie, I love you

♪ Love you

♪ I'm always dreaming of you

♪ Of you

♪ No matter what... ♪

Minestrone.

There's no Rose Marie living here.

But I do.

Oh!

♪ Lovely to look at

♪ Delightful to... ♪

What is this? Candid Camera?

No. We are candid police.

You are the grottiest looking tad I've ever seen.

You can't get more candid than that.

We are doing a survey of popular murderers' wives,

with a view to doing a This is Your Life Sentence

at the Old Bailey.

You see, doing rehearsal,

we discovered some of the lines weren't very funny

unless we danced to them.

But it so happens I am a murderer's wife.

And he's just done one.

Has he? Thank God we're outside.

"There you have seen the new humane police at work.

Now let us see how they do it in the court room."

- 50p! - Quiet! Oh!

-That wig!

Now, listen.

Would somebody mind helping the prisoner to his feet?

There!

Now...

Phantom raspberry blower of Old London,

do we plead naughty or not naughty?

Oh, I see. Not naughty.

Milord.

Milord.

This charming killer...

See that?

Grecian 2000.

- Milord. Milord. - Kill, kill.

Milord, this charming killer has raspberried 23 people to death.

A mere 23 people.

I suggest... I suggest, milord, we give him the silly old death sentence.

Oh, yeah!

Nothing like the jolly old death sentence for a good laugh, is there?

I like him.

- Here, Judge. - Yes?

Oh, I'm very touched.

You can see he's touched, can't you?

My lord, may I say what a privilege it is

to defend this fine old raspberry blowing murderer.

He admits to raspberrying 23 people to death

but there are still another 57 million people left alive today,

thanks to this man's restraint.

- I'll kill ya! - Well, now.

Gentlemen of the jury, what is your verdict?

It's nothing personal you understand but...

Erm, nothing personal. How would you feel about guilty?

Guilty?

Holy!

He ought to be ruddy well hung!

He is!

♪ I want to be happy

♪ I want to be happy!

People are saying that the Irish are not noted

for their athletic feats.

Athlete's foot,

but not the feat.

That is a lie!

I have...

I have here a list of great Irish athletes.

Jack Doyle.

Now, over to the Irish Olympics at Gold Park. Very awful.

Ah.

Oh...

Now, erm...

What's your name, then?

- Louis Stewart. - Louis Stewart. That's it.

- And yours? - Peter Ind.

The Stewed-Ind duo!

Gee.

Good evening.

Hello. What? Yes.

Right.

Now, this map... The map that shows...

This map is the one that shows all the...

This map shows all the limits of England.

This map shows all the limits of England.

It's rolled up.

What? What? What? Wait.

It's rolled up.

It's a roll map.

- Roll map. - How does he get the job?

Fish.

Hm.

Stand by to go about!

Stand by to go about what?

Stand by to go about another 15 minutes.

Hello, three times.

It is now 12:22, Greenwich Mean Time.

Meantime, what are you doing in Greenwich?

We're fishing for cod!

Heave!

Heave!

Fishing for cod heave?

This is not the North Sea.

This is not even Battersea.

Right! Roll up!

I think these men are suave la piste.

- BIow up that bag. - Take over while I blow up this bag!

I think these men are French bank robbers

using this coal hole as a cover.

If so, then where is the cover to the coal hole?

Right, that's enough. Don't overdo it, sir.

Somebody pop that balloon. Get it, get it!

Ow!

I'm terribly sorry, madam. Get it out of here.

Over here! Here! Over here! Over here!

I'm glad to tell you that you are not drunk,

but your guts are going rotten.

The time is now 12:30 and these pearls are genuine.

- Fish, too. - Fish, too?

- What was that? - A plaice!

A plaice? I shall have to call the plaice station.

Hello, hello, Harrow Road.

Constable PC 49 calling.

Hello, hello, 49.

Hurry up! We're in the middle of beating up a prisoner.

Right! Well, tell him the time is now 12:30 and that these pearls are genuine.

I also want to repofl three men trawling for cod down a coal hole.

- Where's the place? - The plaice?

Down the coal hole.

Well, you've got a whistle, haven't you? Don't hesitate to use it!

"To draw attention to one's self when one is having the crap beaten out of him,

stick in gob and blow."

It's a ventriloquist.

No, I'll rephrase that. Oh.

I arrest you for murdering fish.

I've got a licence for that.

- A licence? - Take her abaft and slow.

Aye, aye, sir.

You know what that is?

You're not gonna tell that gag, are ya?

It's a dogfish.

Jack Doyle.

Why can't you go fishing on the high seas like other men?

Why? I'll tell 'ee why!

Over-acting at its best!

- That's Iceland's limit here. - Iceland limit's here.

There's Greenland's limits there.

There's France's.

What are those there?

And that's China's limit.

China? Now that's the limit!

- I just said that! - He just said that.

This coal hole...

...is the only place where England can fish.

I must...

Ahoy, Captain! I think I've got a big one!

You lucky fisherman!

Didn't have to dance for that one.

A complete change of mood.

Seriously, there's something funny going on here.

But with this audience, you'd never think it.

What is going on in this coal hole?

The time is 12:20 and these pearls are genuine.

Oh.

Is this one of your knockers?

Hello, sailor.

Sailor?

This poor girl has bad eyesight.

I shall have to help her feel her way.

Now, Judge, do you want the Swedish massage with jam?

The whips and chained to the bed

or the Black and Decker under the arm.

Neither! I want the coal hole!

Oh! That's a new one!

Be careful of that coal hole, lads. It's a new one.

The time is 12:20 and these pearls are genuine.

No!

OK, I've always loved you.

Oh, you naughty boy!

Here! You'll have to finish the sketch by yourself.

Darling...

You hear that?

He wants us to finish the sketch without him.

Do you know how it ends?

Oui, terrible.

Then we better all off before it happens.

Cockleshell Heroes and now this.

Mind you, what a wonderful film that was to appear in.

Niot here“!

There were a lot of very fine actors in that film

and I'm very proud to think that that was over 20 years ago,

but it is still remembered in the annals.

Directed by José Ferrer, starring Tony Newley and Trevor Howard

and a very good pan for yours truly.

And now, the late news.

To be precise, an hour late.

The Department of Energy say that by the year 2000,

England could run out of Arabs.

The Ads Council are to subsidise the National Youth Orchestra

to the tune of Beethoven's 5th.

Good news for Bing Crosby fans.

Tom Jones has broken his neck.

And pop star D Denny who married Mary Lee last week

are to be separated.

Someone is going to chuck a bucket of cold water over them.

And that's all from us for tonight.

Good night.

He couldn't prove anything.

I tell you this, if I had the chance to appear in another film like that,

I'd go tomorrow.

I'd even go without the money.

Absolutely wonderful.

Cockleshell Heroes...

Cockleshell Heroes,

undoubtedly one of the greatest films I've ever seen.

And I can tell you this...

Well, there you are, my friends.

If you ever get the chance to see Cockleshell Heroes, you go and see it.

Awonderful film.

One of the greatest war films that was ever made.

And I can tell you this...

I wonder what they'd make of us in Uganda.

Soup.

Twenty years of searching, Doctor.

It's... It's her!

It's Cleopatra!

Oh! Cleopatra!

We're too late.

You mean?

She's dead!

For the second time...

Ladies and... Ow!

Get me up again. What's the matter with you?

Ladies and gentlemen, and those who had the operation...

Listen, brothers,

this is a collective bargaining comedy show.

And remember, brothers,

if you brothers in the audience don't laugh,

us brothers in the comics here will picket.

And you know it never gets better if you picket.

Ow!

Oww! Owwwwww!

Now, you can always tell when Q7 is on at the palace

because we'll all be watching The Sweeney.

Good evening.

Now, here's my arrangement of a song made famous by Frank Sinatra,

who, in turn, was made famous by Ava Gardner.

It's entitled Be Careful.

♪ Be careful

♪ It's my leg

♪ It's not my head you're holding

♪ It's my leg

♪ It's not the leg I sent you

♪ You quickly returned

♪ It's not the leg I sent you

♪ That you horridly burned

♪ Be careful

It''s my leg!

Good news for the old country.

Today England launched its first space rocket.

It is now encircling the earth

300 feet above Clapham Common.

And travelling at a speed exceeding 14 miles per hour.

It is powered by two giant coal board fires and ten Brooks Fireworks.

So, over now to space rocket Saturn Doll.

About Cockleshell Heroes, Trevor...

At last, England in space.

We shall bring our culture to the universe.

Strikes on Mars, no bread deliveries on Jupiter,

early closing in Catford on the moon.

Everything under control, Skyella?

Yes, everything is under control

and the kettle is on, Captain Diamond.

Diamond. Diamond.

Will she never say... Di?

Like that joke? No.

What is our position, Skyella?

We are just good friends.

Just good friends.

That's what 28 years of marriage can do for you.

Brrrr! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Ah, this is Windolena, our radar scanner.

She can see through anything.

She's seen through me.

Brrr! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Isn't it amazing, what American space technology can turn out these days?

They turned her out. They must be blind.

- Brrrr. - Windolena?

We start taking off in two minutes.

Ooh, I better start now, then.

It's the materialiser!

It's Doctor Splock.

He has travelled a million miles through time and space,

anything to avoid travelling on London Passenger Transport Board.

Welcome to the ship, Splock.

What? I can't hear a word you say!

A deaf astronaut.

Another first for England.

Stand by for lift-off.

The lift's off, we'll have to take the stairs.

Gee, gee, gee, gee, gee, gee, gee, gee, gee!

Nine gees.

How much can we take?

How much can this audience take?

All right, schmock. what pan of the universe are we in?

Captain, it looks like Catford.

Catford?

I can see Staines on my screen.

Don't worry, it will wipe off with Baby Soft.

Captain, look!

I think we're lost.

Don't worry. I know exactly where we are.

- Where? - Here.

Now... Let me think. Where's the Milky Way?

- She had it for lunch. - Did she?

Then she's going to get it for dinner.

It's no good.

I've lost my bearings.

Have you? You must have holes in your underpants.

Look!

Why?

It's a humanoid space warden.

Don't worry. We'll give him Plan GXB4329.

- What's that? - Six quid.

Or if he's Jewish, five.

Five?

We can't drain England's coffers dry.

Why not? Everybody else has.

Hold still. I am going to eliminate him.

We interrupt this interruption with this interruption.

Oh, you're back early.

That was a near thing.

Near? I smashed his face in.

I see. I suppose that's near enough.

Captain! Captain, I think I've got something.

Oh, not as much as her.

Hello. Finchley Post Office calling.

Hello, Finchley Po. What is it?

What is your exact position?

Well, I'm kneeling forward having a good look...

What do you want?

We want to know your orders.

My orders? Ready?

It's a small prune yoghurt.

One sliced brown loaf.

And a bottle of under the arm Grecian 2000.

Captain!

Look! There's a family watching TV without a licence.

Without a licence? Kill!

Not me, you idiot!

I've forgotten my lines again.

Keep running.

Ha! This is the place.

Captain, I'm going in.

- Keep me covered. - Right!

Steady. Left hand.

Steady, steady, steady.

You're getting warmer.

"That's cos he's got a blanket over him."

I've just discovered an earthling. No, it isn't.

t's a weakling.

Stand by to materialise.

Wilco, Captain. You're doing a great job.

Oh, no, I'm not!

Oh, yes, you are!

Oh, no, I'm not. I'm standing by the couch.

Stand by for plan B. Boldness!

Earthling, you have been caught watching TV without a licence.

- “But I didn't know you...“ - I'll...

I will neutralise him!

Kill!

It's true. We're a disgrace to England.

Don't worry, everybody is.

We've been watching Crossroads for seven years without a licence.

Oh, my. You've suffered enough.

♪ You stepped out of the dust

♪ That's why you're covered in it

♪ From your feet to your thrust ♪

The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba

Mr and Mrs Arrgh...

Ah. Nice hat.

Erm...

Now, then.

Which one of you two is Mr and Mrs Arrgh?

We are.

Do you want this privately or on the National Health?

National Health.

Now, then. What appears to be the trouble?

It's my husband.

Husband?

You want a solicitor, not a doctor.

No, my husband is ill. Seriously.

Suddenly he can't talk proper, like.

Has he ever talked proper, like?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

But recently he's become very difficult to live with.

Do you find him trying?

Aye.

Last night I found him trying with Mrs Soper on the back step.

That's not an illness.

Aye, he soon had one, though.

I fetched him one on the back of his nut with a coal shovel.

She screams. And I belted him on the back of his nut again.

I said, "Bert, will you stop doing it when I'm trying to talk to her?"

It was that last blow that's done something to his voice.

What?

You tell him, Bert.

Good heavens.

The which of like I never have I not seen which in my whole career et cetera.

Say the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy cow.

Does he know Little Jack Horner?

If he lives in Deptford, yes.

No, I mean the nursery rhyme.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there is no known cure for this disease.

Therefore, there can be no known ending to this sketch.

Look, dear, wouldn't it be better if I bought you a record player?

I mean, how long is he going to last up there without food?

Bless him.

Come in!

Come in, you deaf idiot!

Come in!

I don't want to come in.

I'm your next door neighbour, Eric Squirrels.

I'm just hanging up an oil painting of our dog, Lynne.

And what are you hanging up now?

A watercolour of the bloody cat, I suppose?

No, sir, I'm not hanging up a watercolour of the bloody cat.

This is the police. We'd like to come in.

Oh.

Just a minute. I'll stop the singing.

Aagh!

- Now, then. - Good shot, sir.

Thank you.

You want to come in?

Aye, I want to come in.

- Listen to the instructions carefully. - Right.

Look down to about waist height.

Oh!

Now, sticking out at right angles, you will see a circular brass appendage.

Ah.

This is a doorknob.

Thank God for that.

- Turn in a clockwise manner. - Right!

Press and enter.

OK.

Ah, good morning, sir.

Although...

Good morning. I might be a few minutes late.

According to the hairs on my wrist, I've forgotten to put my watch on.

No, sir.

This vicious criminal that I have securely chained to my wrist, here, has...

By Jamie, he's escaped.

That's the 32nd this month.

If I go on losing them at this rate, it's no good.

I'll have to make another arrest.

Even if it means murder!

Er...excuse me, ma'am.

See, madam. I believe your husband is recently murdered, believed dead.

Dead?

How silly can you get in the police?

How about...

Well, of course he's not dead.

By the way, that was very amusing.

Thank you, ma'am.

See, he's merrily reading the newspaper.

Wait a minute. How do you know he's not dead?

And that ha-ha-ha-ing is just a cover?

Arthur? Arthur?

Why doesn't Arthurrr... Arthurrr answerrr?

I suppose because his name is Dick.

In God's name, what's going on over there?

In God's name, sir, have you recently been murdered?

Not recently, no.

There you are, you see?

He's alive and well and enjoying a life of marital bliss.

Just wait till I catch them together.

Aye, it's very painful when you catch them together, ma'am.

He's nae dead, you say?

Well he'll nae get away with that.

In Scotland Yard, nothing will stand in the way of a murder.

Not even death!

♪ Goodbye, Dolly, I must leave you

♪ Though it breaks my head to go ♪

Right! Take aim!

In the name of the law, and my promotion, fire!

♪ Something tells me I am needed

♪ At the front to fight the foe ♪

Oh.

Killed by a Boer War.

I must make out a will.

I will etch it on a piece of metal.

Metal? He must have a will of iron.

Keep going. You've gotta groan.

My grand piano I leave to my grandmother.

The fish handles with the bone...

I beg your pardon. I'll start that again.

My grand piano I shall leave to my grandmother.

The fish knives with the bone handle I leave to the Liberal Party,

whoever he may be.

My other effects, including bird calls, footsteps on the gravel

and galloping coconut shells,

I leave to the BBC sound department.

Crashes to floor.

My God. He's shot himself.

He's... shot himself!

That's murder! Och eye, och nose, och teeth!

October!

This is a job for the police.

...who loved ya, hen, baby?

Now, then.

Now, then. To look for clues.

Just as I thought.

Fingerprints all over the hands.

This woman is hiding something from me.

Just as I thought.

Knickers.

I must get to the bottom of this.

Double cup uplift brasier.

On which I have warmed my hands many a night.

Right, Constable Painting...

"He must mean me."

Constable! Constable!

Those three dramatic chords

mean that creep on the sound has forgotten to put them in again.

It also means the murderer is still in the room.

Tell me, is the corpse still in the room?

"Oh, yes. He's very still.

Look, Inspector McCastle."

McCastle. He must mean me!

He's forgotten them again and you came in too early.

"It's my duty to remind you you done the murder."

Murder? He must mean me!

Good, he's back!

Right.

So, if I'm the murderer, what proof have you got?

Ninety per cent.

Ninety per cent. That's all the proof they need.

I've got to get rid of this evidence.

Right.

If you say I'm the murderer, describe me.

"Well, he wears..."

Wait for the laugh.

They've stopped. Carry on.

"Well, he wears Marks and Sparks reject shifts..."

Oh!

"He wears grotty underwear.

And an appliance."

Anything... Anything else?

No, there's nothing else.

What?

So, that's why she left me!

So I'm the m-m-m-m-murderer.

Am I? All right, Inspector McCastle.

I arrest you. Take your hand off me.

What for? I arrest you...

I arrest you...

Shut up!

I arrest you for the murder of...

Wait! He's still alive!

Is he?

Well, I arrest you for the murder of...

Lord help us all, with props like that.

Tonight, Queen Victoria plays punk rock.

J' God save my darling Prince Albert

♪ Long live my darling Prince Albert

♪ Long live my darling Prince Albert

♪ Send him victorious

♪ Happy and glorious

♪ Long to reign over me

♪ God save my darling Prince Albert ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I have slammed doors in woman's mush.

Big improvement. Yes?

I make another deduction.

- All these famous detectives from fiction. - They're waiting for their next murders.

-Yeah.

If you don't get one, my bedroom's over the ticket office.

Ah, just the ticket.

You'll get more than that.

Only want the ticket, dear.

Good God!

Good God. Wrong deduction.

I famous Chinese detective. Cheerful Charlie Chan.

- Knock, knock. - Who's there?

- I madge. - I madge who?

You're a Jew? You don't look Jewish.

Quelle joke horrible. What are you doing in this waiting room?

I am waiting.

Especially for laughs.

There. I got one.

Wait a minute. I recognise you.

- You Helcules Poilot by Agatha Christie. - Oui, oui.

Wee-wee? Not when train is standing in station.

I am waiting for the Murder on the Orient Express.

Oh, yes. I see that film at Leicester Square.

He right. It was murder.

Also daylight lobbely.

Who are you pointing at, sailor?

I am Sherlock Holmes.

What good memory man has for name.

I'm waiting for the 9.27 Poisoned Senna Pods Murder.

That will be running late tonight.

Wait a minute. Who's this creep in drag?

Ah, I know you.

Ooh!

You Madam Clulie.

Oh, yes. How's that cure, going?

Father Brown.

Magdalen College, Oxford. Reading theology and gay news.

Waiting...

...for the 10.55 murder by the Brides in the Bath Strangler.

Here is your starter for ten.

Ten? My watch say eleven flifty-flive.

Yes, they're all running late.

Elementary, my dear Brown.

Since the government nationalised murders they've never been on time.

Wait till Thatcher gets in. There'll be a murder a minute.

- Attention, please. The scream you will be hearing

is the Darlington Landlady Under the Floorboards Murder

arriving at platform 19.

Ha-ha-ha.

I will kill her to death. Ha-ha-ha.

Over-acting at its best.

Ah, hello! Wake up, wake up!

Good heavens. Dandruff!

Sexton Brake! Wake up!

Your murder. Waiting for you.

- A murder for me? - Yah!

Thank God!

Oh, boy. Poor old Sexton Brake.

He hasn't had decent murder since 1925.

That corpse may be corpse he need for clome back.

Hey.

Did you hear that crummy English murder?

Landlady under the floorboards.

Poof!

Here's another.

Hornsey Fish Fryer Batters Wife to Death with Frozen Cod Piece.

Then he hangs his mistress with drip dry sock. Poof!

So, murder was done by poof!

What about this French murder?

Ooh-la-la!

In Paris this morning,

three beautiful naked girls were found unconscious

in a bath full of custard and appliances.

Single to Paris, please.

Paris. He soon be in-continent.

I have reason to believe that your trip to Paris

is nothing but a cover to seek the pleasure of female company.

You might have to be unfrocked.

Of course he has to get unfrocked, otherwise how can he...

They're damn clever these Chinese.

You never know what lies under their shirts.

- Me! Ah! - Attention, please.

We apologise for the delay of the 10.20 Strangled Olympic Sprinter.

This is due to the fact that the murderer can't catch him.

"Ha-ha-ha. I will catch you.

Ha-ha-ha. You can't get away from me.

Ha-ha-ha-ha."

Good heavens! That's a screaming body, 20 bullets up the back murder.

Up the back? I knew they'd get him in the end.

Does that belong to anybody here?

Wait a minute.

I saw murder.

That must be extra murder they put on for lush hour.

No?

Fleeze flame.

About Cockleshell Heroes. Now there's a wonderful film.

How glad I was I was in it.

Other marvellous actors, too.

I remember the time that we went out to the first foreign location.

We were in our canoes... My eyes are going funny.

Twenty years of searching, Doctor.

Twenty years.

Must...

It's... It's her.

It's... It's Cleopatra.

Oh.

Stand back.

Where's everybody gone?

Oh! Hello.

This show is called er...

erm...

This show is called er...

What? Just a minute.

Erm... It's called... It's called something.

It is... It's gone.

It's not called Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, no.

It's... No, not called... Erm...

What? Oh!

It's called Q7, you idiot! Ha-ha!

Ah, Mother! No, Mo...

- We're on. - We're on.

We're on, aren't we?

♪ Land of hope and glory

♪ Mother of the free... ♪

It's safe to stop them, isn't it?

♪ How can we extol thee... ♪ - No, but is it? Stop! Stop.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...there are many hungry people in the world today.

- And these poor people... - Ow!

And these hungry people need nourishment.

Ow!

Oh, by they way... Ah! Here's a little toy here.

It's made in Japan. Watch this.

It's a kamikaze dog.

Here! It's got "Blimey!" written on it.

This must be the famous core, Blimey!

I've had a letter from a gentlemen, a fan, who wants to know what...

We interrupt this programme of Mozart for this!

Camera running.

- Running is it? - Yes, come on.

- Get on, come on. - Yes, John. I'll get it.

I'll get that...

Am I in the way? Ah! In the way of the camera.

For God's sake, hurry up! I've got various veins!

All right, all right! I've got haricot beans.

Now, then er... the sketch where the bloke

comes to the door and does the worrying

for the other bloke sketch, take 832.

Ow! God! Agh! Ow.

Here we go...

- Oh, my God! - Yes, dear?

Oh, my God! Not another?

Another, yes, dear.

Oh! Water rates! Gas rates! Rates rates!

Grrrrr!

You are looking at a failed Wimbledon ratepayer.

No, I'm not. I'm looking at an uncompleted Union Jack.

I wonder if she'll like being a grandmother.

Huh! Fancy!

Grandpa Philip, Uncle Charlie.

I think I'll strangle her.

It'll be my contribution to the Jubilee year.

♪ A gypsy am I, a-wandering by

♪ I travel the road

♪ Who cares? ♪

Right, now, let's see if we're all here.

He doesn't look all here.

Have you got the office stationery?

"Yes, I knocked it off from Victoria Station khazi."

Good. There'll be a run on the trains tonight, then.

Now, then, Cecil, it's your turn to knock.

“Oh! Why has Dame Fortune smiled on me?“

Because you are an Aries, and it says in The Mirror,

on the big boobs page,

"You could open a door to success today."

- What about me? - It's not your turn.

You were born under Taurus.

A long way under Taurus.

Ooh! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

Jokes like that can injure your health.

And your career.

Now, pray, Cecil, why haven't you knock-ed?

"They haven't got a knocker."

"Talking of knockers... Thinks."

Here. I think we got him in long trousers just in time.

Another year in shorts and he'd have gone blind.

Now, then.

Any windows need mending?

Knock-knock! Niggle-a-ding-dang!

Ying-dang, diddle-ding-ding-dang.

Ring-a-dang!

Darling, there's somebody at the door going,

"Ying-dang! Ding-a-ling-a-ling, ang-ding-dang!

Dingle-a-ling-ling-dang-dang!"

- Did you hear me? - Yes.

Then why didn't you answer me?

I'm trying to build up the dramatic tension.

You'll get something up your dramatic tension in a minute!

You hear that?

It sounds as if there's a sexual drama going on there.

I must stop it.

All right, now, then, hello?

There's no knocker or ringer. Must be a banker.

Right. Knock-ring, knock-ring, knock-ring!

- And in that order - He's coming!

He's coming? He's got a very high voice.

Now, then, prepare for business, gentlemen.

What are you doing against my door, you dirty devils?

We weren't doing anything against your door.

- My card. - Ah, so you're Mike Hard?

No, you fool.

You fool, no. I am Herbert Scrackle.

Anglo-American Enterprises.

Buddy.

- Have you offices in New York? - No, Catford.

SE6, of course.

These are my directors.

"We would like to explain the corporate infrastructure

into the dynamics of our technique."

Where?

We have to do it in your front room.

- Why? - It's going to start to rain,

and I don't want to dirty this mac.

It was bought in Korea and it melts.

It melts!

Now, then, what we want to know is,

what is worrying you in your life?

Life!

"What our managing director is trying to say

is that for a small fee,

he will do all your worrying for you,

leaving you totally free to enjoy the benefits of North Sea Oil.“

Oil!

- What's he on about? - He's on about 15 quid a week.

15!

Now, listen, this...

Now, listen, you have a gardener to do your gardening?

- Yes, her! - Agh!

Now, what you need is a professional worrier

to do your worrying.

I cannot resist this high-powered

American tycoon sales talk!

Tycoon? That's a Pakistani who sells ties.

Tycoon.

- Tycoon! - Yes, now, then.

This will be a free worry for you.

What are you worried about?

We're worried about our dog having pups.

- What is the animal's name? - Dick.

Dick. Very well. I shall worry about your Dick for you.

Oh, Dick! Don't have pups, Dick. Don't have any more pups...

- Is this it? - Oh, don't have any more pups!

Oh, otherwise, I'll lose all my sex drive.

Wait! I'm not that worried.

Oh, yes, you are.

You see, worry causes you to lose your trouser tension.

Right, now, then. Oh, Dick!

Dick! Dick? Don't have pup...

Dick? Wait a minute. That's a male.

- That's why we're worried about pups! - I see.

This is going to be more difficult than I thought.

Especially for Dick.

- Dick has a very good strain! - Has he?

Well, if he's going to have pups, he's going to need another good strain.

Strain!

Wait a minute. There's a creature as lovely as light in the audience.

I must talk to her.

♪ Laura is the face...

♪ In the misty night ♪

Pardon me, madam. You don't know me.

Neither do I.

I know you're not in this sketch,

but the way you're dressed, you could be.

Now, I want you to know if I'm doing any good

by worrying about that bloke's dog Dick.

You've got to be very careful how you say that last bit.

- Where are you from? - Sidcup. Sidcup.

Some bleeding good that was!

She lives in Sidcup.

I'm not trekking out there for a bit every night.

- Good heavens! He's done it! - The dirty devil!

- I'll get the brush and pan! - No, no, no!

I've stopped worrying about Dick having pups.

- Really? - Yes!

- Oh! He may have something. - "He has, double rupture."

Rupture.

Now, then...

Now, then.

What is the biggest worry of your life at the moment?

- It's the Arabs. - Arabs! Arabs!

I'm worried about them buying this house

while the market is depressed.

Arabs? ♪ Up-boom buh-buh-buh-boom! ♪

This will be a fee-paying worry.

Arabs! Now, what for this you need is a grade-A Jewish worry.

You get Golders Green Shield Stamps and a tree...

And a tree in Israel.

Now, then, Jewish worry commence.

Oh-Woe!

I'm worried about them buying my house

- while the market is depressed! - Depressed!

They might even buy the market while my house is depressed!

Don't worry! They'll never buy this house!

Never!

Never buy the house!

Never! Not even Grandmother!

- I mean, they've bought the Dorchester. - Dorchester!

From what I hear, they're gonna buy Manchester!

Oh-oh! And why do they wear those long robes?

- Robes! - What are they hiding underneath?

Hiding their daughter of 16. Oh! Oh!

- Right, that'll be 20 quid. - 20 quid?

Well, you'd better start worrying.

- Why? - I haven't got it.

- Ohhh... - Wait a minute.

I'll do that for you.

Oh, Worry, worry, worry!

I'm worried about not being paid for my Jewish worrying.

And a tree in Israel. Oh, worry, worry...

Come in, sketch number 29.

Your time is up.

What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

- What are we gonna do now? - Sidcup, she said.

Don't worry, son. With this method, you cannot miss.

Ready. Take aim.

Fire!

Bull's-eye! See?

Good evening. The Annan Committee has suggested

that there might be too much violence on television.

Therefore, the BBC are making attempts to modify this.

Tonight...

OK, Bananas. Where did you hide 'em?

I... I didn't hide any bananas.

- It's no good jokin'. - Not the way you tell 'em.

You asked for this.

Can I have the trousers, as well?

OK, guys.

No, no! Not that!

Take that and that! And that!

You naughty man!

I'll never tell you!

You dirty rat, you!

OK, Al. Let me try.

Not him! He's got a big one!

No, no! No more, no more! Aagh!

Hey, Louis. Take it easy. We don't wanna kill him.

The show is going bad enough as it is.

OK, Mugsy. Give him the works.

- OK, Al. - Not him!

Agh! Oh, no! No!

Agh! No!

Agh! No!

- Who is it, please? - It's the police!

Can we come in and arrest you?

The first one to move gets this.

It's a penalty.

- Are they laughing? - No, never mind. Keep going.

Coochie... Who hates you? Coochie-coochie-coo, baby.

Yeah. You're gonna get the chair for this.

- What am I gonna get? - You get the table lamp.

He gets the hall stand. And we all get a freeze-frame.

So, on 3rd March, of 9th September, 1932,

the Capone gang was smashed and imprisoned.

Owing to an oversight, their victim,

Spike "Bananas" Milligan,

stayed strapped to that chair until the day he died.

Died? Can't anybody see or hear me?

Are you kiddin'? This is BBC Two.

♪ Amen

♪ Oh, yes! ♪

Funny. I didn't know he was coloured.

This is Alan Clare. And I am not.

We have a mutual friend

who comes to the restaurant where Alan plays.

He was one of the world's great rugby players,

and if he had his way, he'd be one again.

His name is Cliff Morgan,

and this tune is for him. It's called erm...

I've got it on a bit of old paper here.

♪ The Way We Were

Owing to a large number of tourists in London...

"The poor British public...

...and they're getting poorer all the time...

...are finding it very difficult to get theatre tickets.

However, the London Passenger Transport Board...

have decided to put a large number of classical plays on the buses.

♪ Da-dum, da-dum, dum, dum

♪ Bum.

♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina

♪ The truth is I never met you... ♪

Anybody in?

♪ The in-between years

♪ The in-between years

♪ I've kept my promise

♪ I've never met you ♪

♪ Oh, don't cry for me, Argentina

♪ The truth is... ♪

Oh, for goodness sake, Molly!

Give him something to shut him up!

That's never happened to Yehudi Menuhin.

Neither has this!

Listen! You grotty Herbert!

You insult my wife, you insult me!

Good! Save me belting you one, then!

What are you waiting to see?

We're waiting for Pad One, Henry IV.

Oh, why? Isn't he all in one piece?

Agh! Uh, agh!

When's this damn thing coming?

What are you moaning about?

I've been waiting here two hours for a 14-and-a-half Desert Song.

A 14-and-a-half Desert Song?

♪ One alone

♪ To be on my own...

♪ My dearest head, I never... ♪

What are you waiting to see, dear?

I'm waiting to see a doctor, dear!

Next stop, Marble Arch.

Now is the winter of our discontent

Made glorious summer by this sun of York.

Fares, please! All fares.

Two for the whole performance.

We only go as far as Act ll. Union rules.

Two acts on, one off.

You'll have to change at Hammersmith on the 136

last act to Richmond. Right...

And all the clouds that lour'd upon our house...

Three, four, five, a quid.

...in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

Now are our...

Two to where the bit where Queen Anne gobs in your face.

Spitalfields.

Now are our brows bound up with victorious wreathes,

Our br...

Shut up! Eat your dates!

Three months ago they were scrubbing camels' bums in the desert

- Now, then, where was I? - "Bound up".

I can't be bound up. I'm on All-Bran.

- "Bound up with..." - Oh, yes, yes!

I've got it. Yes, yes.

Now are our brows bound up with victorious wreathes;

our bruised arms are not for monuments...

I'd like to go as far as Clarence being drowned.

Right.

He takes a long time to drown, darling.

Our stern alarums are changed to merry meetings...

Oxford Circus! Watch this.

Marks and Spencer!

Buy the place! Buy the place, that's it!

Wait till they find out it's Jewish.

Grim-visaged war of Edward's heirs the murderer shall be.

Dive, thoughts, down my soul:

Here comes Clarence now.

Brother, good day.

'Ere! What's your game?

You stupid nana! Why don't you hand signal?

Go back to Persia!

What means this armed guard That waits upon your grace?

Wait. Any fares before the soliloquy?

No, no, no.

Ah! Such stars as do collide...

- What happened? - My wedding tackle!

We've run into the back of a 6A Midsummer's Night's Dream.

Just when Titania was having it away with Oberon.

'Ere, she won't start!

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse.

Or a relief conductor, even if he's only Pakistani.

You stupid nincompoop!

- Who are you, then? - I'm Bottom.

Bottom? You've got the wrong end on.

Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you very much!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!

You've been a fine audience. Very fine indeed.

Where else would you get the Desert Song for fourpence on a 137?

And now, to continue...

Danny Boy

♪ Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the pipes are calling

♪ From glen to glen

♪ And down...

♪ The summer's gone

♪ And all the roses falling...

Now over to John Bluthal

and his impression of the late Huw Wheldon.

It's a pity to see an actor of John BIuthal's calibre

end his career so young.

And now a new potato.

Good evening and welcome to Royal Windsor.

Amongst the least visited of the Royal annexes

is this building. This is, in fact, the headquarters

of the Queen's Jubilee Boy Scouts Anonymous.

I will now go through this door,

which, apparently, will let us inside.

Now, you have built this hut for the Jubilee celebrations.

Have we? Hip-hip...

Hooray!

I can't help noticing that there is in fact no roof.

Yeah. We noticed that as well, just by chance.

How did you in fact notice this just by chance?

One day it started to rain.

- Drip, drip... - Hooray!

And I said, "Let's get out of here,

or we're all gonna get wet."

And when we got outside, you know what?

It was raining out there, as well.

It was raining out there, as well.

Yeah!

This is Head Scout Master John Addit Smith.

Is it?

Your middle name is unusual.

No, it's Addit.

- Why Addit? - People see me and say,

"He's Addit?.

And what have you done for Jubilee year?

We done Knee-trembler in the derby.

And Scout Len Lightowler

has done this sculpture for the Queen.

Isn't it a good Ii...

Isn't it a good likeness?

A good likeness.

And now for the second pan of that question: who is it?

Prince Charles.

- It doesn't look like him. - No but wait until he's 85.

Then it will.

What do you think this show has cost so far, Spike?

Our jobs.

Arsenal 3 - Tottenham 8...

Shut up, Rover!

Bad dog!

Shut up, Rover!

Why did you buy a deaf dog?

She's deaf, as well.

Just a minute, dear. I'm gonna put the dog out.

♪ Land of hope and glory

♪ Mother of the free

♪ God who made thee...

♪ My-tea

Hello. This is... this is er... what is it?

Ah! I know. What am I, an idiot?

Er, yes, I am. What is it?

Oh, the Jubilee Q7 show. The test card with jokes.

Er... and er... here. Aah! Oh, yeah. You all right? Here are some jokes.

Er, why don't they give lrishmen tea breaks?

Answer: cos they can't afford to retrain them.

♪ God who made thee mighty ♪

Shut up!

Whoever worked these props out?

Right. Good evening.

Or, if you've been eating liquorice, good evening.

Yes, this is the Jub... What? Shut up.

This is Jubilee Q7. It's not so much a show as an embarrassment to the BBC, really.

We've never been entered for the Golden Rose award at Montreux

but we have been entered as a financial loss to the BBC accounts.

And now, here's a way of getting a few days off work.

Now, folks, watch this: the bionic comic.

Yes, pals.

Yes!

Call it whatever you like. Yes, I wear Union Jack jockey pants,

because I want to be a patriot in the right area.

And I wear a chastity belt, so I can remain...

pure in heart for my Queen!

But there's a time lock on it, dear, isn't there?

No! Please, no!

Not that again! Aaaargh! No!

She's only acting.

She's... seen it all before.

She's gonna see it again.

Woo, boyo! Woo, boyo!

Woo, boyo!

- Woo, boyo! - Mm, rugby ball and chips.

And beautiful boyos'.!

Oh, dear! Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!

Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Lots of "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!"

Here comes another. "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!" Keep going.

We're under time, you see. They said, "Fill in with the 'Oh, dears."' Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Oh! Dying, I am! Dying. Still, it's better than working, isn't it?

Oh! Hello, Camera 1. If yous have just joined us,

that must mean the programmes on the other side are worse than this! Oh...

By these actions you'll have gathered

that I'm supposed to be a Welsh miner lying in bed.

It doesn't produce much coal, but by God, it's comfortable!

Oh, yes. You ask Richard Burton. Now...

...he's had quite a bit of it, you know. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

And like him, I could marry Elizabeth Taylor, who's also had quite a bit of it...

...and I'd be in there for one night shift and out again like he was, boyo.

Listen, the canary's whistling.

He must have had a lot of it as well, then.

You see, that whistling means the air in here is fit to breathe.

Thank God for Air Wick! We make him eat three a day, you know.

♪ We'll keep a welcome in the hillside ♪

My God!

You get your own show, Secombe!

- Look at the time. - Whoa-a-a-a-a-a!

Whoa! I'll be glad when that pithead hooter is mended.

Oy, oy... Oy, my life, Gareth, you don't eat!

You don't eat enough to keep fit!

How is that for monumental miscasting?

It's like ldi Amin playing the Queen Mother.

A nice bowl of soup I'll make.

Would you like a chicken or tomato?

- Oh, I think I'll have a leek. - That's under the bed.

Always gets a laugh.

♪ This land of song will keep a welcome ♪ - My God!

Got him the second time.

Oh, he's a very persistent man, you know. Very persistent.

I think I'll have a nice little rest now, like this.

I don't understand this. I keep getting these sliding attacks.

Ever since I had that holiday in Greece!

Oh, that's quite enough of it. Oh, dear, oh, dear.

- Oh, dear... - Good morning, Evans the Bed.

- More hot water, Myra! - Argh!

It's Doctor the Kill.

He's from Swansea. He's one of the famous Swansea docs.

- Oh, it's bad news, butty. - It was, for that joke!

Now, look, butty. There's nothing more the National Health Service can do for you.

Oh? if I saw you privately, would that help?

- I'd be £20 better off. - More hot water, Myra!

It's coming, it's coming. What do you think, hot water grows on trees?

Tell me, Doctor, how much longer can you give me?

Well...I'd say two - two days at the most, and then...

Oy!

The place won't be the same without him...

Thank God!

Still, I can't grumble. I've had a good run.

That's what's possibly made him tired. More hot water, Myra!

Tell me, Doctor. I think I need a second opinion.

All right, I'll give it to you.

It's the same as the first.

- That'll be another pound. - More hot water, Myra!

Now, listen, butty!

I've carried out every possible medical test

that's known to Llanelli Rugby Club!

I'm afraid you'll have to face the grim truth!

- You mean... - "You mean" what?

You mean swine!

I don't mean swine. I mean.

Now, brace yourself for this. Brace yourself, butty!

OK, I mean, butty...

that you're fit to bo gack to work on Monday.

Did you hear that? "Bo gack to work."

We've got to get a new typist on this show.

So I've got to bo gack to work.

Wait a minute! That... that means "go back to work".

That's worse than "bo gack"!

I'd hoped you'd give me three more months

to see me through the rugby season. Whoa-a-a-a! Somebody call a priest.

Overacting. O-O-O-Overacting!

♪ We'll keep a welcome in the hillsides

- My God! - Secombe again.

-He's sent the family this time. ♪ We'll keep a welcome in the Vales ♪

Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Clifford Morgan! I've just heard the terrible news

followed by the terrible weather forecast.

Right. Come along, now, lad. Let us pray to the blessed Joe Gormley,

the patron saint of the burning nuts.

- You've crossed yourself. - Why not? I've crossed everybody else.

Here, here, here. See this keep-fit rosary?

Oh, my, anthracites!

If he is going to die, I want him to look good at the funeral. Heh, heh, heh!

I'll now say this rosary to Saint Rapture.

Hail Mary... Waaargh! No!

Offside! A rosary? I thought you were a Welsh Baptist!

No, no, no! 'Tis well known in modern comedy sketches

that Welsh Baptists don't get half as many laughs as Irish Catholic priests.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Well, I've got news for you, buddy. You haven't seen our boyo.

Send in Evans the Prayer!

Evans, don't you know this is a smokeless home?

Good heavens! The phone's ringing!

What fool paid the bill?

Hello? What? Yes? Right.

Good news. That was the colliery. I've been fired.

Half time!

♪ We'll keep a welcome in the hillside ♪ - He's back again. My God! Right, take that!

- Oh! - Thank God! Another customer.

More hot water, Myra!

Attention, please! Attention, please!

Come in, comedy Sketch No.4, your time is up.

What are we going to do now?

What are we going to do now? What are we going to do now?

What are we going to do now?

Oh.

- Aah! - 'Ey!

Is the sound of my watch disturbing you?

ls the sound of my watch disturbing you?

'Ere, you don't know me. Can you hear all that ticking noise going on?

'Ere, is there a bloke in there?

No, no, it's Dr Bormann drawing teeth.

Oh, is he?

Aaargh! Aaaargh! Aaaaaaaaargh!

Ooh... They got rid of all his dinner manglers, then.

It's all bread and sops for him for the rest of his life!

Same with our mother-in-law. We make the dog chew all her food first.

'Ere! That's a very nice watch you've got there!

There's no need to shout any more! I've turned the volume down.

Right!

Gosh...

- It was a thank-you present from my wife. - Oh? What was the occasion?

I left her.

That looks very posh, that, doesn't it? Very... very French. French!

Like, in the Christian Dior mould, you know.

Good heavens! You must be a clairvoyant.

No, I'm a plumber.

- Then you're a clairvoyant plumber! - Am I? I'll have to start charging more, then.

- I see your burst pipes... - Listen. I'll tell you for why.

- He's gonna tell me for why! - It is expensive, it is French

and it costs le francs un mille!

Le francs un mille?

That must be... phew... le pounds un thousand!

Blimey!

Cor!

Strewth!

Phew!

Stone the crows!

Well, I never!

Well, I'll be blown!

Would you believe it!

Er... can't think of any more.

Oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh!

Oh... Your teeth hurting you, son?

No, I'm just practising for when it does.

'Ere, aren't you Managing Director of British Leyland?

- No. - It's somebody like you, then.

Here's another.

Poor devil! Poor... That's bad news. That's bad luck.

- Why? - He only came in to nail down the lino!

'Ere, I'd love to know the bird lime by that.

So you shall. It is 11:30.

Hear that? One thousand quid's worth of 11:30!

Oh! Wait a minute. 11:30? That can't be right.

Well, of course it's right. 50 million Frenchmen and I can't be wrong.

Well, an English can be right, and I'll tell you for why.

This... this... invisible watch that I've put on is...

This watch only costs £4!

Aaargh! Aaaargh!

It's shockproof. See?

And I bought this at the Russian Surplus Army Store at Catford.

See? And that says 11:30, so you've been done, mate!

- How dare you! Exploon! - Exploon?

We've got to get rid of that typist. It's no good.

Well, I'll exploon then! You see, for a £1,000 French watch

to tell the same time as a £4 Russian one, that sounds dodgy to me!

- Well, what do you expect? - That ought to be eight or nine hours ahead!

- Well, it is! - It is?

You see, this watch says 11:30... tomorrow!

Oh, brilliant! Hear that?

See, that's what money can do! It buys you leisure time.

On Friday morning, when I'm shagged out cleaning Mrs Grolick's burst pipes,

he's at home watching Sports View on Saturday afternoon!

- Oi! Am I in this sketch? - No.

- Right. - What time is it, then, watch wallah?

- Watch wallah, watch wallah. Watch wallah! - Wait for the laughter to end.

- What time is it, then? - Time? Well,

by this invisible watch, it's 11:35 in Russia.

All right, it's time I started, then. I'll begin with a few "I say, I say, I says."

- Oh? I say, I say, I say!

- Oh. What do you say, what do you say? - Why is my brother-in-law

too tall for the Irish Guards when he's under six foot?

I give up. Why is your brother too tall for the Irish Guards

- when he's under six foot? - Because he was buried yesterday.

- See? - I don't under... Explain it.

Well, you see, it's no good him being resurrected,

because if he is, they won't take him back into the Irish Guards,

because he was killed, put under the ground and he can't do it any more,

because he's actually died. Finished. No more.

He's gone. Gone! Gone away.

The time that that joke died was 11:37.

- I don't hold with watches on wrists. - Oh? And what funny place

- do you strap yours on, then? - I haven't got one.

Good. You can't strap it on that, then.

Tut, tut! I'm not interested in the hours, minutes and seconds.

- I go by the days. - Oh, yeah? As long as you go regularly!

- Oh! Oh! - It's Martin Bormann.

I knew he'd come to a sticky end.

Right down. Right on down, as you are.

Yes, you have to spot the odd man out here.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a delightful quartet called The Sheba Sound

that I heard one evening in Blackheath. I was so enamoured of them,

I've asked them to come on the show, although they're very, very busy.

I'd like them to introduce themselves.

- This is... - Deirdre Lind.

- And? - Catherine Smith.

- And this is? - Deirdre Dundas-Grant.

And who are you, you swine, with all these women?

- Alastair Ross. - They're going to play a number

called Zwei Freunde - that means "two friends" or, with inflation, three. Good luck.

You possibly read the story

of the MP who left his clothes on a lonely beach to lead a new life...

...in prison, with thousands of such MPs

who all left their clobber on various beaches to start new lives.

This next sketch will show you what kind of lives they are now leading.

Ooh! Oh, a Speak Your Weight machine.

I'll see if I can silence it.

Aaargh! Get 'er off! Get 'er off!

Aaargh! You've squashed my groils.

Oh, dear.

- What have you been eating, rocks? - How dare you!

You're supposed to give me my correct weight and tell me my fortune.

All right. You're bloody heavy and skint!

Just a minute. I know that voice.

You're John Stonebrook, Labour MP for Bangla Southall.

Yes, she's seen through my cast-iron disguise.

- But everyone thinks you're dead. - Yes, that's the life I intended: death!

I am Drusilla, your wife. Don't you recognise me?

Not legally, no. You may be my wife, but to me you're just 50 stone

of fat, flab, cold porridge with a few hairs here and there.

I don't understand. His clothes and a cricket box

were found on a lonely beach somewhere in South America.

He left a note on the piano. I will read it to you.

- “Bong! Signed, Bechstein.“ - It was a nom du plume.

Well, farewell, Bluey!

I'm gonna get a pie and chips and a tube of Foster's.

It's quicker by tube!

Gets a laugh in Australia.

- I wish he was there now. - All right!

I know that voice! It's Kerry Packer, Chairman of Cricketers' Box Anonymous.

That is right. Whose clothes were found by a rusty zinc bath in Wagga Wagga.

Aargh! You're 18 stone and you're not wearing anything underneath the kilt.

- Oh, what a beauty. - John, John...

- What? - John...

John, you can't spend the rest of your life as a weighing machine

- just because you owe Prince Philip £1. - Halt!

I mean me.

Now, Ma'am, is this machine giving you any bother?

You silly policeman! This machine is my husband.

Then I must caution you. You are drunk and if you're contemplating doing anything silly,

- I should like to have first go. - Here is our wedding photo.

- A white wedding? - No, that was the wrong side.

- I say, John... - Yes?

I'm just going to the post office to see if there's any mail for us.

Good heavens! I recognise that voice. That is Lord Rothermere,

whose clothes were found on a lonely topless barmaid in Grimsby.

- There's something funny going on here. - You must be joking! Haven't had a laugh

- for the last five minutes. - Enough of this.

I've had enough of it, too - and I wrote it.

Officer, this machine is my husband, John Stonebrook, missing from England.

Well, he ain't missing much!

You swine in blue! Looks of disdain.

Doo-doo-doo-doo! Little looks of disdain.

His clothes were found on a lonely beach somewhere in South America.

- Was it Chile? - Freezing!

It was so cold, you could strike matches on 'em!

- Now, then... - Yes?

- You have a lot to answer for! - I don't talk till you put money in there.

- Right. - I hate giving up my hard-earned bribes.

I shall cover his boring dialogue with a couple of Irish jokes.

An lrishwoman and her husband go to bed and she said,

"Mick, I've set the alarm clock for seven." He said, "Why? There's only two of us."

Right. You're 18 stone, you've got halitosis and a mole on your bum.

- What? - It's no good, ladies and gentlemen.

We cannot keep up this ruse any longer. David Lodge, water rat, actor,

one-time Cockleshell Hero, you have just been on...

- Candid Railway Station! - Candid Railway... No!

- Yes! - That's marvellous. I didn't know!

Candid Railway Station! Marvellous!

Attention, please! Attention, please!

Come in, Comedy Sketch No.2003. Your time is up.

What are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

♪

Oh! Hello, you 16-year-old beauty!

- You getting married, darling? - No, my name is Norman Woods.

- I'm a piano tuner. - Oh? Why are you dressed like a bride?

Well, to get the work these days, you have to have a gimmick.

- What's this? - That's the gimmick.

♪ Bless this house

♪ O Lord I pray

♪ Break them all by night and... ♪

- Just shake them in there, darling. - 'Ere! I've 'ad enough of this!

All right, then. ♪ To dream

♪ The impossible dre-e-e-e-eam ♪

You can't fool me with that singing! You're robbers and I've called the police!

Oh, dear madam, you shouldn't have done that.

- Why not? - Because we came here by Royal Decree.

I think it looked more like a Hillman Imp. Ha, ha, ha!

What we're trying to tell you, darling, is...

that we come from Buckingham Palace!

"Crowbar Scroggins, Jubilee burglar by appointment to the Queen"?

Oh! Do you mean to say that we've been chosen to be burgled by Royalty?

Indeed, madam! The choice has fallen upon this... Mentmore of Brockley.

Oh, Your Majesty!

What a great honour to be done by her!

Tell me the whole story, so I can flog it to the Daily Mirror!

Cover this boring speech with piano accompaniment, please.

♪

The Queen has decided that too many rich people are being burgled,

so this year, being Jubilee Year, the poor are to have their chance

to, in the words of Prince Philip, "cop a few bob from the insurance".

And I've got a surprise for the Queen!

My husband's a patriotic Scot!

- There's no such thing! - And he's been waiting years

to sing his tribute to Her Majesty! Donald!

You call me here now?

- 'Ere! He's black! - Yeah, I'm a rotten cook.

- Are you from the Queen? - Yes.

Will you take this message to her?

♪

♪ God save our gracious Queen

♪ Long live

♪ Da noble Queen

♪ God save our Queen

♪ Send her victorious

♪ Happy and glorious

♪ Long to reign over us

♪ God save...

♪

♪ Da Queen ♪

Thank you very much. Lovely.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Bye!

- Come on. Come on! - Bye!

Aren't you coming?

They shouldn't put chickens on drugs.

♪ Land of hope and glory

♪ Mother of the free

♪ How shall we extol thee?

♪ Who are born... ♪

Stop! It's too cold to go on.

Listen, this show... This show...

My brain hurts. What?

This show is called Jubilee Q7.

The antidote to logic. Ha ha ha!

No, but seriously, folks, we have had a challenge from Mrs Eileen Plague of...

"Mrs Eileen Plague of Leyionstone

who says I can't get my body through this hole.

Well, I take up your challenge, Mrs Plague.

I'll stall with my leg. Hold it.

It's all right.

Get it over. All right?

Now the arm. Get my arm.

Get it up. Get it...

Got it? Good.

Getting worried, aren't you, Mrs Plague, eh?

Now the other one.

Got it? Right.

Ha ha ha! You're gonna lose, Mrs Plague.

Now the other leg. Get it.

Get it out. Get it.

Agh!

Ow! Stop! I've come up against it.

I'm sorry, Mrs Plague. You win.

Never mind, eh?

Tell us, Lord Louis. What do you think of Q7?

I think...

Q7 is very clever.

Therefore I can't understand it.

All right, then, say "A gottle of geer."

A gottle of geer. A gottle of geer. A gottle of geer.

Now, sad news.

Very sad news. Oh, yes, very sad news.

Sad news. This is the last Q7.

Oh, well, you can't please 'em all.

Problem is, we don't please anybody.

Never mind, I'll cheer myself up with this Edward Heath head.

Right. That's for the three-day week.

And that's from the miners.

That's for conducting all those crummy carols

and putting the fear of God up us at Christmas.

And that's for nothing.

And that's for bringing that soppy tad, Mrs Thatcher, into government.

And that's for having a big yacht.

Ugh! Right, that feels better.

Next time, I'm going to vote Conservative.

See, I thought that might have got a bigger laugh than that.

Never mind. Vote Conservative and say goodbye to the good life.

I wouldn't mind... I wouldn't mind saying goodbye to that for a bit.

You haven't had a bit for months.

In any case, you'd miss the luxuries.

- Like what? - Like the floor.

That bootlace.

What, take away the floor? I wouldn't stand for it.

You wouldn't be able to stand without it.

- Did you hear that? - Hear it?

I got it.

Here, it's a couple of charlies.

- A couple of right ones here. - Who are they?

I think they're a couple of Japanese tourists with eye jobs all over.

You want to goey English night clubby, see topless girly, big booby, plippy ploppy?

No?

There must be some mistake. We are inspectors from the VAT department.

It's a VAT raid.

And me on a VAT-free diet!

You've no need to worry. We are common-or-garden citizens.

As we haven't got a common or a garden, we're stuck in this house.

- We're looking into irregularities. - No good looking into ours.

We're regular every morning.

What is your business?

We are a five-star, luxury hotel

with a problematical cash flow problem.

Five... Five-star hotel?

Yeah, you can see it through the holes in the ceiling at night.

- Is this building listed? - Yes.

- Under what? - Danger - falling masonry.

Three masons fell out the window this morning.

- Aaargh! - Look out!

Let me have a look.

It's Sheik Rattle And Roll.

He's been in bed with his wife and he's come through the ceiling.

I'll give him artificial respiration.

No. He's rich, I'll give him the real thing. Right.

You're all right. You'll soon be back in Arabia.

Right. Right. No signs of money. No.

I'll help you on your way to the complaints department.

Right. Camera three!

Camera three. Right.

Now, you may not know this,

but I'm from the Kensington Sanitation Department.

That's funny. I didn't know that.

There's a noxious odour in this room.

Yes, it's his Moggle's.

- His Moggle's? - Yes. His cat.

Ah, a pussy cat.

I thought as much.

- Where is he? - He?

It's...

snuffed it.

That's why you sniffed it.

Yes, you see, his cat caught him in a rat trap.

And he didn't want to live so we buried him under floorboards with his mother-in-law.

Never mind about that five-star hotel, where are your books?

We had to take 'em back to the library.

But we cut all the boobs pictures out first.

Don't let any of this fool you. We know this is the Dorchester Hotel.

It was bought by Arabs who have just let it go a bit.

These are front men.

My God, if this is the front, it must be hell round the back.

Right...

we're looking for paintings, gold bars and a dead cat called Muggles.

Oy! wey!

It's another one coming through!

He's on his honeymoon, too. He's overdone it.

A back break already!

And me with my hand in a bowl full of kreplach.

It's the bionic rabbi.

That's from the hochem.

And that's another one.

He runs with the speed of light.

Yes, he ought to, he's three weeks behind with his rent.

And he's only been here two days.

Never mind, five-star-hotel tycoon,

because I just happen to be, if you'll wait a minute...

bionic VAT-man.

And I...

...am bionic Robin.

Here's some Swoop for you, then.

Jumping jellybeans...

Jumping jellybeans and smoking salt beef sandwiches, Robin,

we've got to stop that runaway, renegade rabbi

before he gets to the Irish nuclear pile and blows up Michael...

Holy cow!

Here, the battery's gone.

Did you see that, Garth?

They moved with the speed of light.

Yes, they're bionic. That's it, we ought to go bionic.

Yes. I'll have a bionic crash course right away.

Right! That's the first crash.

Bionic upsie-daisy. Now, watch this.

Little red crosses.

- You've mastered it. - I haven't mastered it yet.

- Well, you have now. - Yes.

You've mastered it now.

I have mastered it. Now, what we've got to do now, then,

is do a bionic bank raid.

The trouble is to find an English bank with money in it.

♪ Let your fingers do the walking

♪ Yellow Pages, Yellow Pages

♪ Let your fingers do the walking

♪ Yellow Pages, Yellow Pages ♪

We done it. We cloned it!

Hello. Ahem... Not bad for an ad-lib, is it?

What is your name?

- Franciscus Henri. - What a good memory he's got.

Franciscus is an Australian. However, we've sobered him up.

And he's going to sing a song called The Ginger Man.

I'm going to shut down the bar before he gets to it.

♪ She looked at me from Texas

♪ Told me about the war

♪ Told me about my brother Jess

♪ Living with the girl next door

♪ I wish she'd have told me more

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home, babe

♪ I'll sing it again

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home

♪ I heard from her in Utah

♪ She told me about my dad

♪ Told me how they worked him hard

♪ I guess he just fell down dead

♪ I wish it had cleared my head

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home, babe

♪ I'll sing it again

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home

♪ At last I saw the light

♪ After all those years

♪ I knew I must be right

♪ Through all the painless beers and I know

♪ Yes, I know, girl

♪ I know

♪ Baby, I know

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home, babe

♪ I'll sing it again

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home

♪ I got a car in Memphis

♪ A new dress

♪ See as above

♪ Told me how she'd found herself

♪ Some big city turtle dove

♪ I signed my name with love

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home, babe

♪ I'll sing it again

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home

♪ Home

♪ Oh, Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home, babe

♪ I'll sing it again

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home ♪

Good evening. For several months now,

the overseas department of Q7 have been seeking an interview with Queen Elizabeth II

and her husband Prince Philip I.

However, all our efforts have been in vain,

but we have succeeded in achieving an interview with the Queen's chicken...

...and her handler, Herbert Scrackle.

Good evening.

From here, at Royal Balmoral...

...welcome to another royal interview.

Tonight...

Tonight...

Tonight the Queen's own chicken

and keeper of the royal eggs, Sergeant Herbert Scrackle.

Sergeant Scrackle? - Yes, Hugh.

Sergeant Scrackle, you have developed...

...you have developed the ability to understand chicken's body language.

Yes, yes.

You have to put your hand in the right place, of course.

Otherwise you get the outgoings.

And could you, in fact, show us how this is done.

Er... yes, I use the clutching method.

He uses the clutching method.

- Could you demonstrate? - Yes.

- Will you demonstrate? - Oh, yes, yes.

What I do is feel her under the gronics, there.

The sound starts travelling up my arm.

Her sounds. Her sounds.

Steady, steady. Whoa. Steady.

It travels up my right arm into the humerus here.

That's it, she's coming through.

That's it, it's coming through now.

- It comes out here as human speech. - I see.

Could you show us how, in fact, this is done?

Hello, Tom, that is a nasty bruise you have on your knee.

That is human speech.

Well, I knew you could speak, Sergeant Scrackle.

Did you?

That gives a man a great degree of confidence.

What we want is for her to say something.

All right, then, I'll just set her up for a chat.

There you are, dear.

Not yet, not yet.

I mean, has she, in fact, said something?

- No. - Why not?

You haven't asked her anything.

I see. You're supposed to actually speak to her?

Oh, yes you can't expect a chicken to talk to itself.

In a minute, darling. In a minute.

You can't expect a royal chicken to talk to herself.

I mean, they don't want to become a laughing stock.

I mean, it'll be bad enough when she becomes chicken stock.

Very well, then. Sergeant Scrackle...

Sergeant Scrackle, I will now endeavour to perhaps ask her a question.

I'll set her up for a chat, then.

- Now, er... - Steady, Molly, steady.

Heel! Heel, Molly.

- Yes, dear. - Now, let me think.

In a minute. In a minute. In a minute, darling.

Well, this is... Well, I find this very foolish.

I mean, I can't talk to a chicken.

Oh, yes you can. Her Majesty The Queen talks to her every day.

She says, "My husband and I are very pleased with you."

Oh, I see.

Let me... Let me say... Do you like Her Majesty The Queen?

Yes. Yes, she likes her very much.

I mean, do you like... Do you like Her Majesty The Queen?

Yes, I just said she likes her very much. What's the matter with you?

She says... What?

It is a.. Yes?

...great pleasure to strain for the Queen every morning.

A remarkable answer from a remarkable bird.

And another first for the BBC.

And a possible double knighthood for me,

which, in itself, is another first.

Now, Sergeant Scrackle, this extraordinary very talented, royal chicken,

does she, in fact, lay eggs on demand?

Oh, no, she lays them on the floor like everybody else's.

Quite.

- Tell me, er... - She's just waving goodbye.

- What do you think...? - What? No, no, down.

Tell me... Now, look here, hen,

- Listen, Hen. - ..what do you think of Prince Phillip?

Agh!

Never mention Prince Philip. She can't stand him, or the Queen Mother.

Where is she?

An unfortunate incident.

But while the royal chicken is being apprehended,

let me mention my new book which is just out today.

Modestly priced at £100,

Straining For The Crown; The Memoirs Of A Royal Chicken.

And now...

Ladies and gentlemen, I will play Rachmaninov's variations on a theme

by Paganini.

This is the last time I order a piano from Harrods.

Sorry to have to disappoint you,

If you will follow me,

I will continue with Rachmaninov's variations on a theme by Paganini.

Or some other ninny.

Anybody in?

Oh, crikey.

Excuse me, I have paid a vast amount of money for these complimentary tickets.

Good!

Since then, I have paid to travel on a 137 bus to Acton,

walked a mile and heard you shout through a letterbox.

Listen, creep, you wanted

to hear Rachmaninov's variations on a theme by Paganini?

- Yes. - Well...

those were some of them.

- What's that? - Those were some more of 'em.

That's a very hard variation.

The war's over, darling.

Agh!

Oh, thank God, the gas board.

And about bleeding time.

I've lost two husbands while I've been waiting for you to come and mend this leak.

The gas board? We come here to see your piano.

Why? That ain't leaking!

Good. That's just the type of piano we want.

Look, don't keep me out here on film.

Let's go live into the studio,

and stop these creeps breaking their necks looking up at the monitors.

In you go.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, Rachmaninov's variations on a theme by Paganini.

Well...

Well...

All of you watching in the palace, will you switch off?

I tell you, Philip, you're in charge. Switch off.

Remember, I gave you that TV set for your wedding present.

And you won't get another one, unless you get divorced. Understand?

Now, all sing after me.

♪ God save our gracious Queen ♪

How do the rest of the words go?

Roll up, roll up, bejeebers.

Join the Irish Guards, stepping stone to obscurity.

It's a man's life, begorrah and be dead.

Nevertheless, can l join the Irish Guards

and get killed in the corner of some foreign underwear that is forever England?

Of course, sonny, we're looking for young men like you.

- Tell me, what is your business? - I am a plumber. Have you got any leaks?

No. For that you need the Welsh Guards.

We need a bigger laugh than that.

In place of not getting that laugh, just to spite this audience,

I will join the Irish Guards.

Well, I'll be damned!

All right, you be Dad and I'll be Mum.

It's punishing in here. It's killing you.

I must ask you, have you any Irish blood?

Yes. I've got a bottle in the fridge and another bottle here.

Oh, ha ha ha!

Let me see: "90% Guinness, 4% holy water. Keep out of the reach of Protestants."

Now I've got to ask you the Irish entrance test.

- Yes? - Spell "cat".

Cat. Oh, the hard ones first, eh?

All right, C-A... meow.

- Is that right? - Oh, it's right.

You're in. Sir, he is definitely officer material.

- Points! - Ow!

How old are you, sonny?

Now, I'll just put on the Irish computer.

Right.

I'm 92. 92.

I am sorry, you are too old for the Irish Guards.

Nonsense. I am not too old, as these three filmed inserts

that we did in Norfolk last month,

where we all got stoned out of our mind on BBC money, will prove.

Oh, yes, I can definitely say, with the evidence before my very eyes,

you are old enough to join the Irish Guards.

Sign there, please.

Am I doing right, Mother?

I hope we're going to be very happy because you're going to be here for a longtime.

What do we do now?

The chicken's here! There's the chicken!

Guards, attention.

By the right, quick march.

And, guards, halt.

Right turn.

Dancing for the Queen in Jubilee year yet again, commence.

Your Majesty.

I suppose you remember me in that film Cockleshell Heroes.

It's a great honour to be killed by the Queen...

twice in Jubilee year.

Therefore, after me, let's have a merry time with The Death March.

Hey!

Hey!

Ladies and gentlemen, finally, the entire cast in an hour of ad-lib coughing.