All language subtitles for Spike Milligan - Q7 (1978)

Good evening.

Tonight, a party political broadcast

on behalf of the Labour Exchange...

Erm... Labour Party.

The Right Honourable Mr Jim Daft.

Good evening.

Some misguided people,
including Mrs Thatcher,

are suggesting there's a high level
of unemployment in the country.

Here's a film that we've made
to disprove it entirely.

He's in Cockleshell Heroes!

Thank you, Jeeves.
Same time tomorrow.

Here, if you're out of work,
how can you afford a butler?

Out of work?

Tut, tut.

I am not out of work,

I am only unemployed.

Well, you don't dress like it.

I look more unemployed than you!
Rip!

No, no, no, no, no.

You look exactly what you are -
out of work.

I only look unemployed.

It is a far, far better thing I do...

Well, don't do it in here,
there aren't any windows!

And what are you -
out of work, or unemployed?

Neither, old son.
I am resting.

Resting?

Then why aren't you laying down
on the deck?

Because I am not playing a death scene.
Ah!

Oh, oh, oh.

I don't know where they get
this lot from.

They're ruining the reputation
of Mayfair Labour Exchange.

And what about you, Curry-Crazy Dick?

What are you - unemployed,
out of work or resting?

Neither, neither, neither, neither.
I'm meditating.

Meditating?
What are you meditating about?

I'm meditating about
my supplementary benefits.

What happened to good old-fashioned
"out of work"?

Nothing happened to it.

It was merely upgraded
to remove the stigma.

To think I died in the last war
for blokes like him!

Well, listen to me, treacle dick,

I'm not unemployed, I am on strike.

Freeze frame.

Yes, there are not
as many people out of work

as the Conservatives
would have you believe.

In fact, out of 2 million workless,
1 million are unemployed,

250,000 are resting,

500,000 are on strike,

and the rest are meditating.

This brings the number of actual people
out of work down to seven,

most of whom
are in the Labour Government.

Don't forget, vote Labour -
it beats working!

Good evening.

Household How To Do-It-Yourself No.2.

Tonight, I'm gonna show you
how to start your own wine cellar.

Hello, cobbers.

What? What's that?

What? Yeah.

Welcome to the er...
What?

Yeah, I know, yeah.

Welcome to the Jubilee Q7 show.

Remember, this show
isn't seen in Australia.

Remember, there's an immigration office
in your town.

Cheers!

Who let Kerry Packer in?

Keith Smeel.

Sheila Steigel.

John Blugal.

Dave Logal.

John Coding.

Richard Attenborough.

Ruben Hanging.

Stella Klanzy.

Rita Welg.

Spire Mellington.

These men all have an appetite
for sex, peas and chips.

Girls with big boobs
are warned to avoid them.

Unless they're driving steamrollers,
in which case, go right over them

and we'll use the bodies as bookmarkers
in the police library.

Evening, all.
Argh!

♪ Land of hope and glory

♪ Mother of the free... ♪

That's enough.
That's enough.

Off you go.

Watch this.

They've invented a doll
that commits suicide.

Ought to make a fortune.

Good evening.

If you don't clean your teeth...

By the way, the Radio Times
call this show Q7 - aren't they clever?

Incidentally, recently
The Guardian raised its price to 15p,

and that took it out of the fish shops

and onto the smoked salmon counter
at Harrods.

Harrods - the new name is Harrobs.

Recently, from The Guardian,
they quoted a thing, they said,

"Q7 - oddball comedy show."

Yes, folks, it's the oddball comedy show

and you have to guess
which one of us has it.

Right.

White rabbits - supposed to be lucky.

This one isn't,
he goes in the pot tomorrow.

Come on, eat up your food.

By the way...

Eat your dinner! Come on!
Eat! What's the matter with you?

It's a vegetarian! Fool!
That's why they're small.

We've got quite a bit of fan mail.
Here it is.

What?
It's a very nice letter.

Let me read it.

Thank you.

What's this? A triangle!

What are you saying over there?

What's this say?
"Made in Bermuda"?

Devil's Galop

That's a tourist trap, Molly!

You rang?

- What?
- You rang?

No, you twit, that was the bell!

People don't go around ringing, going,
"Ling-a-lang-lang-lang."

No, I wish to complain about "the luxury

£3 for 20 days lost forever
in the Bermuda Triangle holiday".

Why?
What went wrong?

What went wrong?
Everything!

For a start, she didn't disappear
without trace!

Did you, Rita?

Rita?

My name's Molly!

Yes, of course.
I was thinking about her.

Thinks!

- Here, are you two married?
- No, we're just practising.

After all, practice makes perfect.

Well, if it does, he's got
a ruddy long way to go, then!

Look, Rita,
I wish you'd keep our sex life quiet.

Then why don't you oil
them blasted bed springs, then?

They warn the children
when not to come in, that's why!

I've lost quite a bit of money
on this trip.

- Precisely how much?
- Precisely, er... lots.

I mean, confidentially,
I have booked three times

for her to disappear without a trace
in the Bermuda Triangle,

and each time she comes back to me
at the laundromat like a homing sock.

Oh, yes?

"Oh, yes"?
That's no bleeding good!

"Oh, yes"!
I want to get rid of her! Look at her.

She's got a face like a dog's bum
with a hat on!

No, no.
Listen.

I want you to guarantee
to get rid of her without trace.

Then I can go back to her.

Thinks.

You don't want the Bermuda Triangle,
you want the Eternal one.

And you want...

I see.

Could this be the Phantom Raspberry
Blower of Old London Town?

Don't tell him.
Don't tell him.

Married women are not allowed
to disappear in the Bermuda Triangle

- unless they are accompanied.
- I'll get Mrs Mills to play for her.

No.

It must be the husband,
or whoever oils the bed springs.

The bed springs?
Right. Right, then, look.

I've gotta get rid of her.

I mean, I've had ten years of hell
with her,

followed by 40 of marriage.

I tell you, there's nothing left of me
below the waist.

I've got photographs to prove it!

Very well.
I will sacrifice myself and go with her.

But first, a farewell song to my love.

Thinks.

♪ The hills are alive
with the sound of music ♪

I am not a farewell song,

but the way he sings,
you're better off in the gutter with me!

You wanna hear a beaut bobbydazzler
Australian story?

Wait for it.

What's big, beautiful
and weighs 40,000 tonnes?

Do you give in?

A boatload of Poms
being sent back to England.

Mind the doors.

Ah!
Another two for the Bermuda Triangle?

He's a foreigner - keep your frock
well over your knees. Hide it.

Ah, yes.

Voulez-vous
disappeared without trace, then?

Ja.

Ein foreigner, my dear.
Here, keep your hand on it.

Ja, I disappeared on mein submarine.

No, no, not me.
I never was on submarines.

I had bad feet.

- I was upping my submarine.
- Oh, yeah?

Comes a signal from the fuhrer,
"Stop upping!

The war, for you, is over!"

Vanished without trace.

- Cigaretta?
- Nein!

He's a greedy swine!

Say...

- Tommy Atkins.
- Tommy Atkins?

Tommy Atkins, why you have to go
so far from England for your disasters?

Well, you see, we don't get the sun
with our disasters.

When you pull them out,
they're all white and pasty.

But overseas, like my brother,
Lord Rothermere,

he was run over by a tram in Argentina,

and when they dragged him out,
he was lovely and brown.

Except where the wheels went,
of course, yes.

♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina

♪ The truth is, I've never met you ♪

What other TV show gives you a smile,
a song and a load of crappy jokes?

But look here -
you have better disasters in England.

Like what?

Leylands.

Leylands?
Do you drive one?

When they make one, I'll drive one.

All right.

MY God!

How can you talk about going to a party

when, here we are, lost without trace
in the Bermooda Trongle?

What's he on about?

My God!
The ground, it's coming up too fast!

What's the matter with him?

Bomb, bomb!
The flak! Damn that flak!

Junkers 88 at ten o'clock!

Here, sorry to interrupt
your overacting...

- You don't know me.
- God has been good to me.

Has he?

Deirdre.

Thinks.

Here!

These thinks boobs look very much like
my own dearest's thinks boobs.

And she can't have four!

Ahoy, me hearties!
Hello, Jim boy!

Tickets, please!

Disaster.
Tickets, please.

Look, dear, it's Long John Saliva,
the spitting image of his dad.

- Look here, I wanna get off.
- Oh, really?

-I wanna get off
this Tombola Triangle thing.

Avast, ye lubber!

I can't avast my lubbers any more.

I keep telling you,
I've got nothing left below the waist.

Well, avast this lubber, then!

Nobody gets off
the Bermuda Disappearing Triangle

until book sales have reached 5 million,

and we've only just passed
the 2 million.

Pull yourself together, Tommy Atkins!

We will all sing!

Sing together!

♪ God save our gracious Queen

♪ Long live our noble Queen

♪ God save our Queen

♪ Send her victorious... I'

Very strange.
Very strange.

♪ Happy and glorious... I'

Hello, Dog, this is Tango.

Reporting the sound of
God Save The Queen

coming up a drain hole in Catford.

What does it mean?

MAN, ON RADIO: It means
you're pissed and off the force!

The Bermuda Triangle
claims another victim.

Freeze frame.

This is Ed Welch, and this is a piano,

and between them,
his wife and two children here,

they're gonna play a number he wrote
called The Goose Walk.

This is called a human being's walk.

Ah!

I'll bet you thought that was
a Turner painting, didn't you?

No, no, it is just a sweep
of the English countryside.

As you can see,
it could do with a good sweep.

Some people say that
do-it-yourself people are nutcases.

Well, I give them the lie.

There, darling.

There, the house is all fresh and new,
all ready for visitors.

I've got my Odor Eaters in.

Isn't that lovely?
Rose of England Fresh Air.

"Made in Korea.

Do not use indoors.
Call doctor."

I see.

I think I'll give myself
a touch of the mystic East.

I see that Crossroads will be on soon.

So get ready to switch off.

♪ Sally

♪ Sally ♪

- What do you think of that?
- What?

That tune.

♪ Sally

♪ Sally ♪

That's 40 years old!

Ah, well, I'm gonna update it.
Listen to this.

♪ Sally, Sally

♪ Don't cry for me, Argen-Sally

♪ The truth is, I've never missed you ♪

I'll be glad when World War lll comes
and he's off again.

With any luck,
I'll get the widow's pension this time.

♪ All things bright and beautiful
-Oh, oh, oh!

♪ All creatures great and... ♪
- Oh, oh, oh!

Here, who's that?

"Who's that"?
It's our daughter!

Blast!

Just my luck!

Dad, there's an Arab sheik
pulling up outside.

What's he pulling up outside?

- He's in a white Rolls-Royce.
- White Rolls-Royce?

They'd do anything
to disguise their camels!

I was in Alamein -
I know all about wogs!

I've seen what they can do
to the side of a road.

Now, then, Nivea...

Nivea!

...if you wanna save your skin, Nivea...

...if you wanna save your skin,
cover those exposed pads.

- In your case, that's most of you.
- Yes, Dad.

What are they doing?

Here, the sun's gone in.

No, it hasn't.
Take the cap off.

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

You have broken the environmental laws
of England, sir.

- That's a very serious charge.
- Diplomatic immunity.

That won't save you, sir.

That will save you, sir.

I'll find some Englishmen to blame, sir.

Yes, sir, it'll be perfectly all right,
sir. Diplomatic immunity, sir.

Here, did you see that?

Those wogs have pitched all their crap
onto our pavement.

You dirty devils!

That's where we pitch our crap!

Wait a minute, they're coming in.

They must have seen
that ad in the paper I put in.

I better make myself presentable.
The question is, how?

Er...

Come in.

Er...

Welcome to Lewisham.

You're welcome to it, too.

I am Mahmoud Isfahan Khalil
Abdullah VII.

I'm Dick.

Infidel!

Here, that lino was new only last year!

Diplomatic immunity.

No, it's not, it's gob!

Now, look here, white scum,

are you the infidel
that advertised building land

and ladies' black underwear

in the Mecca Daily Express?

Yes, I've got the...
The building land is here, sir.

Right here.
Have a look at this.

And they say they don't need any help!

In my country, this is an invitation.

- What is it?
- I keep telling you, it's gob!

No, this!

Prime inner-London building land.

- Building land?
- Yes.

The exalted one says,
"Is that all there is?"

Tell him there's another
bucketload of it in the khazi.

I habe ein udder in das keller.

What did she say?

She said, "Stop gobbing on the carpet!"

He says...

Does he? Well, you tell him...

This is very small for building land.

Small?

Why, only last week,
that had a herd of deer on it.

- What happened to them?
- They fell off.

And this land's got fishing rights.

Fishing?

Where is the river?

Here's some of it now.

You get the rest later,
when you give the down payment.

- That's a...
- Where is the fish?

It's in the fridge -
we didn't want it to go off.

- Your turn.
- That's the famous River Ouse.

The River Ouse, the River Ouse!

That runs into the River Ahs!

Hence the saying, "the oohs and ahs."

They haven't got
our subtle sense of humour.

None of them have.

How much is she?

She's nine stone, ten pounds.

And you can see where most of it is.

Ooh! Ah!

Stop that, you'll go blind!

Dick, I think
our Nivea's school days are over.

I better stop him,
or he'll get a lump in his groin.

Here, stop that,
or I'll call the vice squad!

I'll get a bucket of water.

Diplomatic immunity.

I've never seen one like that before.

It did look a bit "seedy", didn't it?

Five times a night.

♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina

♪ The truth is, I've never... ♪

Don't play that thing so loud!

I don't want the neighbours to hear
what's going on in there!

I do! It's a change to hear
our bed springs going again.

♪ Don't... ♪

Here!

I knew he'd overdo it!

Here!

He done that, as well!

Goodnight, Vienna

♪ Goodnight, Vienna

♪ You city of a million melodies

♪ Our hearts are thrilling
to the strains that you play

♪ From dawn, till the daylight dies

♪ Goodnight, Vienna

♪ Where moonlight fills the air
with mystery

♪ And eyes are shining
to the gypsy guitars

♪ That sing to the starry sky

♪ Enchanted city
of Columbine and Pierrot

♪ We know the magic of your spell

♪ Of our romances, you're the hero

♪ Now is the time to say farewell

♪ Goodnight, Vienna

♪ Now lovers kiss
beneath your linden tree

♪ The world is waiting
on the edge of the day

♪ Just waiting to say... I'

♪ Land of hope and glory

♪ Mother of the free

♪ How can we... ♪

Hi, everybody!

This show is called...
What?

What's it called?

We've done it all before, haven't we?

Right.

Good evening.

Good evening!

Or if you're Irish...

Good evening, sir.

Or if you're in Rhodesia, goodbye.

Now, here's a way of breaking eggs
without dirtying your hands.

Right.

And here's a way
of losing weight rapidly.

Another thing - stains.

Here's a way of saving money on
stains by not buying washing powder.

Now, food bills - here's a way of
cutting down on family food bills.

Steady now, steady now,
steady now.

Now, take all your clothes off,
stand in front of a mirror naked.

When you've stopped screaming,
see if you can do this.

Watch this.
Watch the monitor.

You fool, camera two!

You've given away
the secret of a year!

That's all they do give away
at the BBC.

Get the Odor Eaters!
The Odor Eaters!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Oh, dear!

- Why have we stopped?
- Yes, why?

Why?
Because I have just discovered

that we are all seriously unemployed.

- Especially the horse.
- The horse.

This is a good place for it.

- Good morning.
- Just a minute.

"Just a minute."
He's going to be just a minute.

Just time to switch to the other channel.
Might be a good commercial.

Katie Boyle doing something.
"Beat these eggs..."

- Now, what is it?
- Tea.

Now, then, do you read
the tea leaves?

No, I read the Mirror.

That's funny, I comb my hair in mine!

Right. Name?

Name - Herbert Scrackle Esq,
Acme Steel Corporation.

Where's that?

It's parked outside.

Temporary address - Beryl Mews.

Beryl Mews?
Watch this.

- Fred Barks.
- Fred what?

- I said, "Fred Barks."
- What about Fred Barks?

I better explain this joke to him.

You see, you said, like,
"Beryl Mews." Meow.

And I said, "Fred Barks."

Woof, woof, woof.
Like that.

It must be terrible to be born
without a sense of humour.

Like me.

Are you and these herberts
unemployed?

No, we have a temporary cash flow
problem.

- What does that mean?
- We're skint.

Skint?

- Who are these blokes?
- BIones? Blones?

These blones...

These blones are my directors.

- What wages are they used to?
- They're not used to any wages.

We don't have any jobs
without wages.

- No jobs.
- Just a minute!

He's gonna be just a minute.

- I tell a lie.
- He's told a lie.

We have some jobs vacant
since 1940, if you're interested.

Oh, yes.

- Ah, yes.
- Ah, yes?

- No money.
- No money?

Luncheon vouchers.
And a free wig.

Wig?
Supposing we're not bald?

- You get a comb.
- I see.

I just have to talk to my directors
about this.

Oh!

He said he's got a job...

...job going here with the
luncheon vouchers and the wigs.

What do you think?

I feel hungry.

- I feel hungry.
- Yes.

My guts are starting to rumble
like the Central Line.

Line.

Very well, then, we accept this job.

- Wigs, did you say?
- Yes.

Inside leg - 73 small.

All clear.
All clear.

All clear.

All clear up there.

Is there anybody in here?

All clear, Mrs Groves.

Thank you!

All clear.

♪ We'll meet again

♪ Don't know where... ♪

All clear. All clear.
All clear, all clear.

Ooh!

All clear now, madam.
You are perfectly safe now.

All right, six o'clock
by the jam factory.

- Fire! Fire!
- Don't worry.

- Get it out. Get that fire.
- That's it.

That's it. That's it.

Get the blanket.

There we are.
That's all right.

There we are.

So, Trevor and I stay in the canoe.
We're paddling away.

I dived overboard...

All right, sir.
I've got rid of the fire in your pipe

and stopped it spreading
to the rest of your body.

Are you with the ARP?

No, we're with the Woolwich.

What a great country this is!

Here was I, lighting a fire

that could have brought the wrath
of the Luftwaffe

on this poor defenseless bus queue.

But, thanks to the vigilance
of this one man,

we can sleep safe in our beds tonight.

Em'.
Beep, beep, beep'.!

To Marble Arch.
Hurry along, please.

Holding very tight, please.
Ding, ding!

We had to stop there,
that sketch was getting ridiculous.

What do you
mean "ridiculous"?

Well, because the chap at the end
was absurd.

No,
it wasn't absurd.

You're white,
you don't understand it.

- It's gonna be racial, is it?
- Oh, yes.

You did not like the man
cos he was a Pakistani conductor.

Shut up!
Here we go again!

What do you mean?

Good evening.

This afternoon, our first visit is to
this morning's contest at Olympia

for the Male of the Year Show tonight,

where our reporter, Keith Smith,
is waiting this afternoon.

- Hello!
- Hello.

And welcome to
Crufts Male of the Year Show.

Yes, yes.

There's been a record number
of entries, which, in itself, is a record.

Now, I'm standing
next to the organiser,

who is also standing next to me,

Major Startling Grope.

Am I?
Oh, yes.

Yes, well, we've got a large number
of breeds here today.

I think I've got a few myself here.

Got him!
Had his mother this morning.

Oh, I see.
I see.

What? What?

- Leicester City 3, Brentford 7.
- Seven?

Good heavens, of course it's seven!

- Yes.
- Yes.

Now, let's take a look...

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Over there.

Let's take a look
at some of the entries.

This is the Class B
Knacker's Yard Husband.

He's entered by Mrs...

Mrs Terrible.

That must be her.

She's entered him under the name of
Come Here, You Swine!

Yes!

-
've got him house-trained now.
- You rotten cow.

- Watch.
- You rotten cow!

- Come Here, You Swine!
- You cow!

- One day, you rotten cow!
- Shut up!

- Shut up yourself, you rotten cow!
- Get back there!

Get back!
Get back there, You Swine!

Mrs Terrible, what...

What? What?

- Arsenal 2, Birmingham 1.
- Birmingham 1.

What's that?
That's three draws.

Three draws.

Would you tell me
what training method she uses?

- She uses bars.
- Bars?

Iron bars.

If he doesn't do as she tells him,
she bats him over the head with one.

Makes a wonderful noise.
Give it to him.

Ah, ah!
Now, what have we got here?

It's a microphone, isn't it?

What? Testing!
Yes, that's a microphone.

Can you tell us what class this is?

Yes, dear.
No, dear.

Yes, dear.

This is the House-Trained
Grovelling Bank Manager Husband.

His wife has entered him
under the name of Little Willy.

I suppose she knows.
Yes.

It says here she keeps him quiet
with a bar of chocolate,

and if he's good she lets him have
a nibble on Sunday morning.

I suppose he's worried about
his run in the park?

He's worried about
his run on the pound!

- Yes.
- Wait for it to get the laugh!

Didn't get the laugh, carry on.
Good luck.

Well, I'm taking him to the vet
tomorrow to have that put right.

Oh, the unkindest cut of all.

Oh, shut up! Get out of it!

This husband is entered
in the Fear of Work Class.

Entered under the name of Lout.

It says there that he does odd jobs
around the house.

Yes, and she has to clean them up
after him.

It's hell in there!
That's why he's here.

Can't get in the place, it's hell.
All the windows are open.

- What breed is he?
- Old English Leyland Worker.

Ah, he's a very striking breed.

- Yes, he's on strike now.
- What's he striking for?

He hasn't made up his mind
about that yet.

- Mrs Wretch.
- Yes?

- Does he need much exercise?
- Oh, no, no.

A once-a-week walk to the labour
exchange and back keeps him fit.

Is he a...

- I mean, is he obedient?
- Oh, yes. Watch this.

- He'll get points for this.
- Here, boy!

- See?
- Of course I didn't see!

What's the matter with you?
Is it anchovy and fish?

No...

Now, let us take a look at the class...

What?

And the latest score from Hampden Park
is Scotland 2, England 15.

The goalposts are still standing.

But no one else is.

We interrupt this
Crufts Male of the Year Show

to interrupt Ed Welch in concert

He plays Fritha's Theme
from the LP Snow Goose.

Tottenham 3, Spurs 1.

Fritha's Theme

Music, translation and telepathy -

this is our subject tonight.

To conduct this experiment,

we have with us in the studio

the famous saxophone player
Ronnie Scott,

and that well-known person,
Spine Millington.

Using electrodes,
which are connected to a computer,

we will watch

as Millington will turn into words
and shapes of plastic

the music of Ronnie Splott.

He's playing the saxophone.

He's still playing it.

Try, Mr Millington,
to turn it into your own kind of poetry.

Poetry.

There was a young lady of Eating,
scratching her bum in...

No, no.

Mr Millington, you must try
to go back to your inner ego

and give us the words

that describe the music
which you are about to hear.

Pass.

Can I have that question again?

No no no!.

La-la-laa...

- Mr Splott, if you would hold it...
- I was just...

What we're trying to do...

If you can't actually say something
that comes through from the music,

perhaps you could do something.

Do something?

I know that!

England 0, Switzerland 29.

That series of musical conversations
from the Open University

has now been published
under the titles

Long-Burning Books
For Cold Winter's Nights.

Action!

I am a Klondike barmaid.

I have big knockers,
so do not adjust your set.

My statistics are 44-18-36.

Reading 3, Queens Park Rangers 4.

That's another three draws.

Well, gentlemen, please adjust
my dress before leaving.

I am a moderate drinker,

but an excessive vicar.

I only have one drink a night.

My dear, thank you.

Cheers I say unto you!

I'm Doc Holliday,

and I'm dying.

You're dying?
The whole show's dying!

I used to carry two six-guns,

but with government cutbacks,

I now just own
this large ferocious killer dog.

Sick him!

So, the operation was a failure.

I'm Dave Lodge, and I'm worried.

I've got no idea
why they've dressed me up like this,

or where they got my measurements!

Still, now they've gone
to all this trouble,

I think I'll do
my Doris Day impersonation.

♪ Some day he'll come along

He'll come along.

♪ The man I love

The man he loves.

♪ And he'll be big and strong

Big and strong.

♪ The man I love

The man he loves.

♪ And when he comes my... ♪

This is one way
of getting the camera's attention.

OK, a bunch of boys were whooping
it up at the Malamute Saloon.

The boy that played the piano
was playing a ragtime tune.

When out of the night, all covered in...
things, came Dangerous Dan McGrew.

Somebody's knocked it off.

OK, I'll do the gun spinning.

Very interesting, but what was that for?

That was for camera three,
this is for you.

Nobody try anything funny!
I get the laughs in this show!

- OK, let's see you get some.
- All right, then.

There was two lrishmen,
one said to the other,

“My daughter's marrying a guy
called O'Reilly.“

He said, “Oh, really?“
He said, “No, O'Reilly.“

OK, so I don't get the laughs
in the show.

Just for that, take your partners

for This Didn't Audience Laugh
At That Joke one-step.

You fool!
You've shot Dick the cellar man.

It's back again!

Sorry, madam!

Now, then...

...why aren't you two dancing?

Because...
- Wait for the laugh.

- Yes?
- She's got a weak chest.

- Who's talking to you?
- You are!

- Right! Ever been killed before?
- No!

Here's the first time.

You've shot my Dick again!

She must be deformed!

Fang, the throat!

- Not me! Not me! Not me!
- No, no, no.

Kill, Fang! Kill!

OK, I've killed Fang, what now?

You fool!

Fang is a guide dog for the blind.

Did you hear that?

Fang is a guide dog
for the blind!

Why are you shouting?

Cos he's a guide dog for the deaf.

Didn't you hear me?

Oh, dear!
A ricochet!

I'm not stopping in a show
where a dog gets the payoff.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

So, they didn't write me a happy ending,
I'll make my own!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Next week sees the opening
of the new German opera season

at Covent Garden,

and here is a preview
of what you will be seeing.

Everything is Fresh Today

♪ In a little town where I belong

♪ There's a most accomplished fellow

♪ He's the leader of the village choir

IAnd his voice is warm and mellow

♪ He drives a fruit cart
around the street

♪ And everybody knows it

♪ He doesn't sing or rave
about his fruit

♪ He simply blows it

♪ He's doing it all day long

♪ It's better than any song

♪ Though it isn't very pretty

♪ You've got to admit it's cute

♪ So, all together, let it go

♪ Eat more fruit

♪ It's certainly come to stay

♪ It's a treat to hear him say

♪ “Hey, fruit's in season,
plenty berries

♪ Apples, plums
and the old raspberries"

♪ "Everything is fresh today"

♪ Every Friday night when work is done

♪ He never wastes a minute

♪ To the village hall he hurries round

♪ Where he sings just like a linnet

♪ To hear him blow a melody

♪ It's great, you can't deny it

♪ And if you've nothing else to do

♪ I'd like you all to try it

♪ Get ready and do it now

♪ It's easy when you know how

♪ Though it isn't very pretty

♪ You've got to admit it's cute

♪ So, all together, let it go

♪ Eat more fruit

♪ It's certainly come to stay

♪ It's a treat to hear him say

♪ "Hey, do-ti-la-so-fa-me-re-do"

♪ "Everything is fresh today"

♪ It's certainly come to stay

♪ It's a treat to hear him say

♪ “Hey, fruit's in season,
plenty berries

♪ Apples, plums
and the old raspberries"

♪ "Everything is fresh today" ♪

Good evening.
Here is the late night news.

This evening, a Ms Ethel Lester
lost a yellow pencil in Durham.

And that's the end
of the late night news.

Boring, wasn't it?

- Spike. Spike.
- Yes, yes?

Yes, yes. What do you think
we'd get for this show in America?

The chair.

♪ Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!

♪ Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!

Bong!

I'll be glad when this thing's mended.

Yes! Yes, it's... What is it?

What? It's the Q7 Jubilee Show.

With what?

The show with a royal flavour.
What?

Horseradish.

Let Philip in!

A royal good evening to all you
and your husbands.

And that goes for the coloured people.

Many people want to know
why we call this show Q7.

Well, so do we.

Why not write in and tell us
why you think we call this show Q7,

then go to the top of the class
and jump off?

And now, let me introduce you
to this mammoth cast.

This mammoth cast is Robert Dorning.
Say “A gottle of geer.“

I once appeared in The Red Shoes ballet.

I was the cobbler.

Critics say he was one of the finest
dancing cobblers they've ever seen.

They didn't say who played the other one.

Next, please!

Ah! John Collins is a drink.
This one is a drunk.

John is not feeling himself this evening.

He'll be doing that later on,
privately tonight.

Next, please!

Ah!

This is...
No, I'll rephrase that.

These are...

Julia Breck.

We're all safe because she's on it.

You are on it, aren't you?
Thank God for that.

Next, please!

This is a Keith Smith.

It proves that dead people
can still carry on living.

Mind you, he can't carry anything else.

He's currently playing the lead
in several French postcards.

You must rest. Next, please!

Next, please!

This is the late John Bluthal.

Late? I gotta get a watch!

- Right.
- Right.

- Voilà!
- So that's a voilé!

Oh!

That is the new moon.

You have got to cross the Gypsy's palm
with silver.

Have we?

Funny, he doesn't look Jewish.

He's only seen me from the top half.

Ah!

Ah?

- Ad-libbing.
- Ah-ha-ha!

- Ah-ha-ha-ha!
- He's a great ad-libber.

He ad-libbed for dinner.

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

- What do you see?
- I see a glass ball.

- A glass ball?
- Yes.

Pilkington's Annual Dance!

Wait. They might laugh more. Wait.

Where did they get this lot?
Carry on.

Ah!

Ah! You are about to do
a comedy sketch.

Comedy?
I must warm up with some funny jokes.

Did you hear about the Irishman,
how to call his dog?

Rover!

- Did you hear about the Irish turkey?
- What about the Irish turkey?

It was looking forward to Christmas!

Now, then.

- What about me?
- What about you?

Well, I'm David Lodge.

What a good memory he's got for names.

- I was in Cockleshell Heroes.
- Were you?

We're in the wrong cemetery.

That was a wonderful film
and I was so proud to be in it.

I remember the day I was selected
for my wonderful pad...

Give my love to Anne Shelton.

- Darling.
- Oh!

Good evening.

The psychological trauma
suffered by criminals

who have been arrested
can be a terrifying thing.

Especially if the man isn't guilty.

Likewise, the wives and children
also suffer.

Therefore, the police are trying
a new psychological approach

when arresting a criminal.

This is the place.

Ah.

This is the place.

"Dunrobbin."

Do not forget
the new humanitarian approach.

Gentility and tact.

Supposing it don't work?

Then...

Give it to 'em right up the old Niagaras.

Here, Sergeant.
It's my turn to knock.

It must be Tuesday.

Hello, little girl.

Whose little girl are you?

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

I am Lolita Scrubbs.

Ammonia.

Mummy says I must not talk
to transvestite policemen.

Funny, I came over all giddy then.

Oh! We are not transvestite policemen,
are we?

No, we're not.

Boing!

No! We are your friendly
visiting district crime squad.

- You must be mad.
- Yes.

- This is not a friendly district.
- Well...

Funny, it happened again.

I must be in the change.

No! We are your friendly
visiting district crime squad.

Observe.

♪ Ring-a-ring of roses

♪ A pocket full of posies

♪ A-tishoo! A-tishoo!

♪ We all fall down ♪

Odour-Eaters!

Mummy empties it every morning.

Oh!

Well done, lads.

Now that was just a touch of reality.

So was that.

A very good test reaction.

It's a quickie! It's a quickie!

Welcome back!

It shows how your persistent kindness
to this little girl has borne fruit.

No.

She didn't give us any fruit.

Thank you, Inspector.

It's not too heavy for you, is it?

No, sir.

So, this is how they get promotion.

It don't half hurt!

Look at this!

Let's see your reaction
to gain the confidence

of the criminal's wife.

Plan B.

♪ Oh, Rose Marie, I love you

♪ Love you

♪ I'm always dreaming of you

♪ Of you

♪ No matter what... ♪

Minestrone.

There's no Rose Marie living here.

But I do.

Oh!

♪ Lovely to look at

♪ Delightful to... ♪

What is this? Candid Camera?

No. We are candid police.

You are the grottiest looking tad
I've ever seen.

You can't get more candid than that.

We are doing a survey
of popular murderers' wives,

with a view to doing
a This is Your Life Sentence

at the Old Bailey.

You see, doing rehearsal,

we discovered some of the lines
weren't very funny

unless we danced to them.

But it so happens
I am a murderer's wife.

And he's just done one.

Has he?
Thank God we're outside.

"There you have seen
the new humane police at work.

Now let us see how they do it
in the court room."

- 50p!
- Quiet! Oh!

-That wig!

Now, listen.

Would somebody mind
helping the prisoner to his feet?

There!

Now...

Phantom raspberry blower
of Old London,

do we plead naughty
or not naughty?

Oh, I see. Not naughty.

Milord.

Milord.

This charming killer...

See that?

Grecian 2000.

- Milord. Milord.
- Kill, kill.

Milord, this charming killer
has raspberried 23 people to death.

A mere 23 people.

I suggest... I suggest, milord,
we give him the silly old death sentence.

Oh, yeah!

Nothing like the jolly old death sentence
for a good laugh, is there?

I like him.

- Here, Judge.
- Yes?

Oh, I'm very touched.

You can see he's touched, can't you?

My lord, may I say what a privilege it is

to defend this fine old
raspberry blowing murderer.

He admits to raspberrying 23 people
to death

but there are still another
57 million people left alive today,

thanks to this man's restraint.

- I'll kill ya!
- Well, now.

Gentlemen of the jury,
what is your verdict?

It's nothing personal you understand
but...

Erm, nothing personal.
How would you feel about guilty?

Guilty?

Holy!

He ought to be ruddy well hung!

He is!

♪ I want to be happy

♪ I want to be happy!

People are saying
that the Irish are not noted

for their athletic feats.

Athlete's foot,

but not the feat.

That is a lie!

I have...

I have here a list
of great Irish athletes.

Jack Doyle.

Now, over to the Irish Olympics
at Gold Park. Very awful.

Ah.

Oh...

Now, erm...

What's your name, then?

- Louis Stewart.
- Louis Stewart. That's it.

- And yours?
- Peter Ind.

The Stewed-Ind duo!

Gee.

Good evening.

Hello. What? Yes.

Right.

Now, this map...
The map that shows...

This map is the one that shows all the...

This map shows all the limits of England.

This map shows all the limits of England.

It's rolled up.

What? What? What? Wait.

It's rolled up.

It's a roll map.

- Roll map.
- How does he get the job?

Fish.

Hm.

Stand by to go about!

Stand by to go about what?

Stand by to go about another 15 minutes.

Hello, three times.

It is now 12:22, Greenwich Mean Time.

Meantime,
what are you doing in Greenwich?

We're fishing for cod!

Heave!

Heave!

Fishing for cod heave?

This is not the North Sea.

This is not even Battersea.

Right! Roll up!

I think these men are suave la piste.

- BIow up that bag.
- Take over while I blow up this bag!

I think these men
are French bank robbers

using this coal hole as a cover.

If so, then where is the cover
to the coal hole?

Right, that's enough.
Don't overdo it, sir.

Somebody pop that balloon. Get it, get it!

Ow!

I'm terribly sorry, madam.
Get it out of here.

Over here! Here!
Over here! Over here!

I'm glad to tell you
that you are not drunk,

but your guts are going rotten.

The time is now 12:30
and these pearls are genuine.

- Fish, too.
- Fish, too?

- What was that?
- A plaice!

A plaice?
I shall have to call the plaice station.

Hello, hello, Harrow Road.

Constable PC 49 calling.

Hello, hello, 49.

Hurry up! We're in the middle
of beating up a prisoner.

Right! Well, tell him the time is now 12:30
and that these pearls are genuine.

I also want to repofl three men
trawling for cod down a coal hole.

- Where's the place?
- The plaice?

Down the coal hole.

Well, you've got a whistle, haven't you?
Don't hesitate to use it!

"To draw attention to one's self when
one is having the crap beaten out of him,

stick in gob and blow."

It's a ventriloquist.

No, I'll rephrase that. Oh.

I arrest you for murdering fish.

I've got a licence for that.

- A licence?
- Take her abaft and slow.

Aye, aye, sir.

You know what that is?

You're not gonna tell that gag, are ya?

It's a dogfish.

Jack Doyle.

Why can't you go fishing
on the high seas like other men?

Why? I'll tell 'ee why!

Over-acting at its best!

- That's Iceland's limit here.
- Iceland limit's here.

There's Greenland's limits there.

There's France's.

What are those there?

And that's China's limit.

China? Now that's the limit!

- I just said that!
- He just said that.

This coal hole...

...is the only place where England
can fish.

I must...

Ahoy, Captain!
I think I've got a big one!

You lucky fisherman!

Didn't have to dance for that one.

A complete change of mood.

Seriously, there's something funny
going on here.

But with this audience,
you'd never think it.

What is going on in this coal hole?

The time is 12:20
and these pearls are genuine.

Oh.

Is this one of your knockers?

Hello, sailor.

Sailor?

This poor girl has bad eyesight.

I shall have to help her feel her way.

Now, Judge, do you want
the Swedish massage with jam?

The whips and chained to the bed

or the Black and Decker
under the arm.

Neither! I want the coal hole!

Oh! That's a new one!

Be careful of that coal hole, lads.
It's a new one.

The time is 12:20
and these pearls are genuine.

No!

OK, I've always loved you.

Oh, you naughty boy!

Here! You'll have to finish the sketch
by yourself.

Darling...

You hear that?

He wants us to finish the sketch
without him.

Do you know how it ends?

Oui, terrible.

Then we better all off
before it happens.

Cockleshell Heroes and now this.

Mind you, what a wonderful film
that was to appear in.

Niot here“!

There were a lot of very fine actors
in that film

and I'm very proud to think
that that was over 20 years ago,

but it is still remembered in the annals.

Directed by José Ferrer, starring
Tony Newley and Trevor Howard

and a very good pan for yours truly.

And now, the late news.

To be precise, an hour late.

The Department of Energy say
that by the year 2000,

England could run out of Arabs.

The Ads Council are to subsidise
the National Youth Orchestra

to the tune of Beethoven's 5th.

Good news for Bing Crosby fans.

Tom Jones has broken his neck.

And pop star D Denny
who married Mary Lee last week

are to be separated.

Someone is going to chuck
a bucket of cold water over them.

And that's all from us for tonight.

Good night.

He couldn't prove anything.

I tell you this, if I had the chance
to appear in another film like that,

I'd go tomorrow.

I'd even go without the money.

Absolutely wonderful.

Cockleshell Heroes...

Cockleshell Heroes,

undoubtedly one of the greatest films
I've ever seen.

And I can tell you this...

Well, there you are, my friends.

If you ever get the chance to see
Cockleshell Heroes, you go and see it.

Awonderful film.

One of the greatest war films
that was ever made.

And I can tell you this...

I wonder what they'd make of us
in Uganda.

Soup.

Twenty years of searching, Doctor.

It's... It's her!

It's Cleopatra!

Oh! Cleopatra!

We're too late.

You mean?

She's dead!

For the second time...

Ladies and... Ow!

Get me up again.
What's the matter with you?

Ladies and gentlemen,
and those who had the operation...

Listen, brothers,

this is a collective bargaining
comedy show.

And remember, brothers,

if you brothers in the audience
don't laugh,

us brothers in the comics here
will picket.

And you know it never gets better
if you picket.

Ow!

Oww! Owwwwww!

Now, you can always tell
when Q7 is on at the palace

because we'll all be watching
The Sweeney.

Good evening.

Now, here's my arrangement of a song
made famous by Frank Sinatra,

who, in turn, was made famous
by Ava Gardner.

It's entitled Be Careful.

♪ Be careful

♪ It's my leg

♪ It's not my head you're holding

♪ It's my leg

♪ It's not the leg I sent you

♪ You quickly returned

♪ It's not the leg I sent you

♪ That you horridly burned

♪ Be careful

It''s my leg!

Good news for the old country.

Today England launched
its first space rocket.

It is now encircling the earth

300 feet above
Clapham Common.

And travelling at a speed
exceeding 14 miles per hour.

It is powered by two giant coal board fires
and ten Brooks Fireworks.

So, over now to space rocket
Saturn Doll.

About Cockleshell Heroes, Trevor...

At last, England in space.

We shall bring our culture
to the universe.

Strikes on Mars,
no bread deliveries on Jupiter,

early closing in Catford on the moon.

Everything under control, Skyella?

Yes, everything is under control

and the kettle is on, Captain Diamond.

Diamond. Diamond.

Will she never say... Di?

Like that joke? No.

What is our position, Skyella?

We are just good friends.

Just good friends.

That's what 28 years of marriage
can do for you.

Brrrr! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Ah, this is Windolena,
our radar scanner.

She can see through anything.

She's seen through me.

Brrr! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Isn't it amazing, what American space
technology can turn out these days?

They turned her out.
They must be blind.

- Brrrr.
- Windolena?

We start taking off in two minutes.

Ooh, I better start now, then.

It's the materialiser!

It's Doctor Splock.

He has travelled a million miles
through time and space,

anything to avoid travelling on
London Passenger Transport Board.

Welcome to the ship, Splock.

What?
I can't hear a word you say!

A deaf astronaut.

Another first for England.

Stand by for lift-off.

The lift's off,
we'll have to take the stairs.

Gee, gee, gee, gee, gee,
gee, gee, gee, gee!

Nine gees.

How much can we take?

How much can this audience take?

All right, schmock.
what pan of the universe are we in?

Captain, it looks like Catford.

Catford?

I can see Staines
on my screen.

Don't worry,
it will wipe off with Baby Soft.

Captain, look!

I think we're lost.

Don't worry.
I know exactly where we are.

- Where?
- Here.

Now... Let me think.
Where's the Milky Way?

- She had it for lunch.
- Did she?

Then she's going to get it for dinner.

It's no good.

I've lost my bearings.

Have you?
You must have holes in your underpants.

Look!

Why?

It's a humanoid space warden.

Don't worry. We'll give him
Plan GXB4329.

- What's that?
- Six quid.

Or if he's Jewish, five.

Five?

We can't drain England's coffers dry.

Why not? Everybody else has.

Hold still.
I am going to eliminate him.

We interrupt this interruption
with this interruption.

Oh, you're back early.

That was a near thing.

Near? I smashed his face in.

I see. I suppose that's near enough.

Captain!
Captain, I think I've got something.

Oh, not as much as her.

Hello. Finchley Post Office calling.

Hello, Finchley Po. What is it?

What is your exact position?

Well, I'm kneeling forward
having a good look...

What do you want?

We want to know your orders.

My orders? Ready?

It's a small prune yoghurt.

One sliced brown loaf.

And a bottle of under the arm
Grecian 2000.

Captain!

Look! There's a family watching TV
without a licence.

Without a licence? Kill!

Not me, you idiot!

I've forgotten my lines again.

Keep running.

Ha! This is the place.

Captain, I'm going in.

- Keep me covered.
- Right!

Steady. Left hand.

Steady, steady, steady.

You're getting warmer.

"That's cos he's got a blanket over him."

I've just discovered an earthling.
No, it isn't.

t's a weakling.

Stand by to materialise.

Wilco, Captain.
You're doing a great job.

Oh, no, I'm not!

Oh, yes, you are!

Oh, no, I'm not.
I'm standing by the couch.

Stand by for plan B. Boldness!

Earthling, you have been caught
watching TV without a licence.

- “But I didn't know you...“
- I'll...

I will neutralise him!

Kill!

It's true.
We're a disgrace to England.

Don't worry, everybody is.

We've been watching Crossroads
for seven years without a licence.

Oh, my. You've suffered enough.

♪ You stepped out of the dust

♪ That's why you're covered in it

♪ From your feet to your thrust ♪

The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba

Mr and Mrs Arrgh...

Ah. Nice hat.

Erm...

Now, then.

Which one of you two
is Mr and Mrs Arrgh?

We are.

Do you want this privately
or on the National Health?

National Health.

Now, then.
What appears to be the trouble?

It's my husband.

Husband?

You want a solicitor, not a doctor.

No, my husband is ill. Seriously.

Suddenly he can't talk proper, like.

Has he ever talked proper, like?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

But recently he's become very difficult
to live with.

Do you find him trying?

Aye.

Last night I found him trying
with Mrs Soper on the back step.

That's not an illness.

Aye, he soon had one, though.

I fetched him one on the back of his nut
with a coal shovel.

She screams. And I belted him
on the back of his nut again.

I said, "Bert, will you stop doing it
when I'm trying to talk to her?"

It was that last blow
that's done something to his voice.

What?

You tell him, Bert.

Good heavens.

The which of like I never have I not seen
which in my whole career et cetera.

Say the quick brown fox
jumped over the lazy cow.

Does he know Little Jack Horner?

If he lives in Deptford, yes.

No, I mean the nursery rhyme.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there is no known cure
for this disease.

Therefore, there can be
no known ending to this sketch.

Look, dear, wouldn't it be better
if I bought you a record player?

I mean, how long is he going to last
up there without food?

Bless him.

Come in!

Come in, you deaf idiot!

Come in!

I don't want to come in.

I'm your next door neighbour,
Eric Squirrels.

I'm just hanging up an oil painting
of our dog, Lynne.

And what are you hanging up now?

A watercolour of the bloody cat,
I suppose?

No, sir, I'm not hanging up
a watercolour of the bloody cat.

This is the police.
We'd like to come in.

Oh.

Just a minute. I'll stop the singing.

Aagh!

- Now, then.
- Good shot, sir.

Thank you.

You want to come in?

Aye, I want to come in.

- Listen to the instructions carefully.
- Right.

Look down to about waist height.

Oh!

Now, sticking out at right angles,
you will see a circular brass appendage.

Ah.

This is a doorknob.

Thank God for that.

- Turn in a clockwise manner.
- Right!

Press and enter.

OK.

Ah, good morning, sir.

Although...

Good morning.
I might be a few minutes late.

According to the hairs on my wrist,
I've forgotten to put my watch on.

No, sir.

This vicious criminal that I have
securely chained to my wrist, here, has...

By Jamie, he's escaped.

That's the 32nd this month.

If I go on losing them at this rate,
it's no good.

I'll have to make another arrest.

Even if it means murder!

Er...excuse me, ma'am.

See, madam. I believe your husband
is recently murdered, believed dead.

Dead?

How silly can you get in the police?

How about...

Well, of course he's not dead.

By the way, that was very amusing.

Thank you, ma'am.

See, he's merrily reading the newspaper.

Wait a minute.
How do you know he's not dead?

And that ha-ha-ha-ing
is just a cover?

Arthur? Arthur?

Why doesn't Arthurrr... Arthurrr answerrr?

I suppose because his name is Dick.

In God's name,
what's going on over there?

In God's name, sir,
have you recently been murdered?

Not recently, no.

There you are, you see?

He's alive and well
and enjoying a life of marital bliss.

Just wait till I catch them together.

Aye, it's very painful
when you catch them together, ma'am.

He's nae dead, you say?

Well he'll nae get away with that.

In Scotland Yard,
nothing will stand in the way of a murder.

Not even death!

♪ Goodbye, Dolly, I must leave you

♪ Though it breaks my head to go ♪

Right! Take aim!

In the name of the law,
and my promotion, fire!

♪ Something tells me I am needed

♪ At the front to fight the foe ♪

Oh.

Killed by a Boer War.

I must make out a will.

I will etch it on a piece of metal.

Metal? He must have a will of iron.

Keep going. You've gotta groan.

My grand piano I leave
to my grandmother.

The fish handles with the bone...

I beg your pardon.
I'll start that again.

My grand piano I shall leave
to my grandmother.

The fish knives with the bone handle
I leave to the Liberal Party,

whoever he may be.

My other effects, including bird calls,
footsteps on the gravel

and galloping coconut shells,

I leave to the BBC sound department.

Crashes to floor.

My God. He's shot himself.

He's... shot himself!

That's murder!
Och eye, och nose, och teeth!

October!

This is a job for the police.

...who loved ya, hen, baby?

Now, then.

Now, then. To look for clues.

Just as I thought.

Fingerprints all over the hands.

This woman is hiding
something from me.

Just as I thought.

Knickers.

I must get to the bottom of this.

Double cup uplift brasier.

On which I have warmed my hands
many a night.

Right, Constable Painting...

"He must mean me."

Constable! Constable!

Those three dramatic chords

mean that creep on the sound
has forgotten to put them in again.

It also means the murderer
is still in the room.

Tell me, is the corpse still in the room?

"Oh, yes. He's very still.

Look, Inspector McCastle."

McCastle. He must mean me!

He's forgotten them again
and you came in too early.

"It's my duty to remind you
you done the murder."

Murder? He must mean me!

Good, he's back!

Right.

So, if I'm the murderer,
what proof have you got?

Ninety per cent.

Ninety per cent.
That's all the proof they need.

I've got to get rid of this evidence.

Right.

If you say I'm the murderer,
describe me.

"Well, he wears..."

Wait for the laugh.

They've stopped. Carry on.

"Well, he wears Marks and Sparks
reject shifts..."

Oh!

"He wears grotty underwear.

And an appliance."

Anything... Anything else?

No, there's nothing else.

What?

So, that's why she left me!

So I'm the m-m-m-m-murderer.

Am I?
All right, Inspector McCastle.

I arrest you.
Take your hand off me.

What for?
I arrest you...

I arrest you...

Shut up!

I arrest you for the murder of...

Wait! He's still alive!

Is he?

Well, I arrest you for the murder of...

Lord help us all, with props like that.

Tonight, Queen Victoria
plays punk rock.

J' God save my darling Prince Albert

♪ Long live my darling Prince Albert

♪ Long live my darling Prince Albert

♪ Send him victorious

♪ Happy and glorious

♪ Long to reign over me

♪ God save my darling Prince Albert ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I have slammed doors in woman's mush.

Big improvement. Yes?

I make another deduction.

- All these famous detectives from fiction.
- They're waiting for their next murders.

-Yeah.

If you don't get one,
my bedroom's over the ticket office.

Ah, just the ticket.

You'll get more than that.

Only want the ticket, dear.

Good God!

Good God. Wrong deduction.

I famous Chinese detective.
Cheerful Charlie Chan.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

- I madge.
- I madge who?

You're a Jew?
You don't look Jewish.

Quelle joke horrible.
What are you doing in this waiting room?

I am waiting.

Especially for laughs.

There. I got one.

Wait a minute. I recognise you.

- You Helcules Poilot by Agatha Christie.
- Oui, oui.

Wee-wee?
Not when train is standing in station.

I am waiting for
the Murder on the Orient Express.

Oh, yes.
I see that film at Leicester Square.

He right. It was murder.

Also daylight lobbely.

Who are you pointing at, sailor?

I am Sherlock Holmes.

What good memory man has for name.

I'm waiting for the 9.27
Poisoned Senna Pods Murder.

That will be running late tonight.

Wait a minute.
Who's this creep in drag?

Ah, I know you.

Ooh!

You Madam Clulie.

Oh, yes. How's that cure, going?

Father Brown.

Magdalen College, Oxford.
Reading theology and gay news.

Waiting...

...for the 10.55 murder
by the Brides in the Bath Strangler.

Here is your starter for ten.

Ten?
My watch say eleven flifty-flive.

Yes, they're all running late.

Elementary, my dear Brown.

Since the government nationalised murders
they've never been on time.

Wait till Thatcher gets in.
There'll be a murder a minute.

- Attention, please.
The scream you will be hearing

is the Darlington Landlady
Under the Floorboards Murder

arriving at platform 19.

Ha-ha-ha.

I will kill her to death.
Ha-ha-ha.

Over-acting at its best.

Ah, hello! Wake up, wake up!

Good heavens. Dandruff!

Sexton Brake! Wake up!

Your murder. Waiting for you.

- A murder for me?
- Yah!

Thank God!

Oh, boy. Poor old Sexton Brake.

He hasn't had decent murder since 1925.

That corpse may be corpse he need
for clome back.

Hey.

Did you hear
that crummy English murder?

Landlady under the floorboards.

Poof!

Here's another.

Hornsey Fish Fryer Batters Wife
to Death with Frozen Cod Piece.

Then he hangs his mistress
with drip dry sock. Poof!

So, murder was done by poof!

What about this French murder?

Ooh-la-la!

In Paris this morning,

three beautiful naked girls
were found unconscious

in a bath full of custard and appliances.

Single to Paris, please.

Paris. He soon be in-continent.

I have reason to believe
that your trip to Paris

is nothing but a cover
to seek the pleasure of female company.

You might have to be unfrocked.

Of course he has to get unfrocked,
otherwise how can he...

They're damn clever these Chinese.

You never know what lies under their shirts.

- Me! Ah!
- Attention, please.

We apologise for the delay of
the 10.20 Strangled Olympic Sprinter.

This is due to the fact
that the murderer can't catch him.

"Ha-ha-ha. I will catch you.

Ha-ha-ha.
You can't get away from me.

Ha-ha-ha-ha."

Good heavens! That's a screaming body,
20 bullets up the back murder.

Up the back?
I knew they'd get him in the end.

Does that belong to anybody here?

Wait a minute.

I saw murder.

That must be extra murder
they put on for lush hour.

No?

Fleeze flame.

About Cockleshell Heroes.
Now there's a wonderful film.

How glad I was I was in it.

Other marvellous actors, too.

I remember the time that we went out
to the first foreign location.

We were in our canoes...
My eyes are going funny.

Twenty years of searching, Doctor.

Twenty years.

Must...

It's... It's her.

It's... It's Cleopatra.

Oh.

Stand back.

Where's everybody gone?

Oh! Hello.

This show is called er...

erm...

This show is called er...

What? Just a minute.

Erm... It's called...
It's called something.

It is... It's gone.

It's not called Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony, no.

It's... No, not called... Erm...

What? Oh!

It's called Q7, you idiot!
Ha-ha!

Ah, Mother! No, Mo...

- We're on.
- We're on.

We're on, aren't we?

♪ Land of hope and glory

♪ Mother of the free... ♪

It's safe to stop them,
isn't it?

♪ How can we extol thee... ♪
- No, but is it? Stop! Stop.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...there are many hungry people
in the world today.

- And these poor people...
- Ow!

And these hungry people
need nourishment.

Ow!

Oh, by they way...
Ah! Here's a little toy here.

It's made in Japan. Watch this.

It's a kamikaze dog.

Here! It's got "Blimey!"
written on it.

This must be the famous core,
Blimey!

I've had a letter from a gentlemen, a fan,
who wants to know what...

We interrupt this programme of Mozart
for this!

Camera running.

- Running is it?
- Yes, come on.

- Get on, come on.
- Yes, John. I'll get it.

I'll get that...

Am I in the way? Ah!
In the way of the camera.

For God's sake, hurry up!
I've got various veins!

All right, all right!
I've got haricot beans.

Now, then er... the sketch
where the bloke

comes to the door
and does the worrying

for the other bloke sketch,
take 832.

Ow! God! Agh! Ow.

Here we go...

- Oh, my God!
- Yes, dear?

Oh, my God! Not another?

Another, yes, dear.

Oh! Water rates!
Gas rates! Rates rates!

Grrrrr!

You are looking at a failed
Wimbledon ratepayer.

No, I'm not. I'm looking at
an uncompleted Union Jack.

I wonder if she'll like being
a grandmother.

Huh! Fancy!

Grandpa Philip, Uncle Charlie.

I think I'll strangle her.

It'll be my contribution
to the Jubilee year.

♪ A gypsy am I, a-wandering by

♪ I travel the road

♪ Who cares? ♪

Right, now, let's see
if we're all here.

He doesn't look all here.

Have you got
the office stationery?

"Yes, I knocked it off from
Victoria Station khazi."

Good. There'll be a run
on the trains tonight, then.

Now, then, Cecil,
it's your turn to knock.

“Oh! Why has Dame Fortune
smiled on me?“

Because you are an Aries,
and it says in The Mirror,

on the big boobs page,

"You could open a door
to success today."

- What about me?
- It's not your turn.

You were born under Taurus.

A long way under Taurus.

Ooh! Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

Jokes like that can
injure your health.

And your career.

Now, pray, Cecil,
why haven't you knock-ed?

"They haven't got a knocker."

"Talking of knockers... Thinks."

Here. I think we got him
in long trousers just in time.

Another year in shorts
and he'd have gone blind.

Now, then.

Any windows need mending?

Knock-knock!
Niggle-a-ding-dang!

Ying-dang,
diddle-ding-ding-dang.

Ring-a-dang!

Darling, there's somebody
at the door going,

"Ying-dang! Ding-a-ling-a-ling,
ang-ding-dang!

Dingle-a-ling-ling-dang-dang!"

- Did you hear me?
- Yes.

Then why didn't you answer me?

I'm trying to build up
the dramatic tension.

You'll get something up your
dramatic tension in a minute!

You hear that?

It sounds as if there's
a sexual drama going on there.

I must stop it.

All right, now, then, hello?

There's no knocker or ringer.
Must be a banker.

Right. Knock-ring,
knock-ring, knock-ring!

- And in that order
- He's coming!

He's coming?
He's got a very high voice.

Now, then,
prepare for business, gentlemen.

What are you doing against
my door, you dirty devils?

We weren't doing anything
against your door.

- My card.
- Ah, so you're Mike Hard?

No, you fool.

You fool, no.
I am Herbert Scrackle.

Anglo-American Enterprises.

Buddy.

- Have you offices in New York?
- No, Catford.

SE6, of course.

These are my directors.

"We would like to explain
the corporate infrastructure

into the dynamics
of our technique."

Where?

We have to do it
in your front room.

- Why?
- It's going to start to rain,

and I don't want
to dirty this mac.

It was bought in Korea
and it melts.

It melts!

Now, then,
what we want to know is,

what is worrying you
in your life?

Life!

"What our managing director
is trying to say

is that for a small fee,

he will do all your worrying
for you,

leaving you totally free to enjoy
the benefits of North Sea Oil.“

Oil!

- What's he on about?
- He's on about 15 quid a week.

15!

Now, listen, this...

Now, listen, you have a gardener
to do your gardening?

- Yes, her!
- Agh!

Now, what you need is
a professional worrier

to do your worrying.

I cannot resist
this high-powered

American tycoon sales talk!

Tycoon? That's a Pakistani
who sells ties.

Tycoon.

- Tycoon!
- Yes, now, then.

This will be a free worry for you.

What are you worried about?

We're worried about
our dog having pups.

- What is the animal's name?
- Dick.

Dick. Very well. I shall worry
about your Dick for you.

Oh, Dick! Don't have pups, Dick.
Don't have any more pups...

- Is this it?
- Oh, don't have any more pups!

Oh, otherwise,
I'll lose all my sex drive.

Wait! I'm not that worried.

Oh, yes, you are.

You see, worry causes you
to lose your trouser tension.

Right, now, then. Oh, Dick!

Dick! Dick? Don't have pup...

Dick? Wait a minute.
That's a male.

- That's why we're worried about pups!
- I see.

This is going to be more
difficult than I thought.

Especially for Dick.

- Dick has a very good strain!
- Has he?

Well, if he's going to have pups,
he's going to need another good strain.

Strain!

Wait a minute. There's a creature
as lovely as light in the audience.

I must talk to her.

♪ Laura is the face...

♪ In the misty night ♪

Pardon me, madam.
You don't know me.

Neither do I.

I know you're not
in this sketch,

but the way you're dressed,
you could be.

Now, I want you to know
if I'm doing any good

by worrying about
that bloke's dog Dick.

You've got to be very careful
how you say that last bit.

- Where are you from?
- Sidcup. Sidcup.

Some bleeding good that was!

She lives in Sidcup.

I'm not trekking out there
for a bit every night.

- Good heavens! He's done it!
- The dirty devil!

- I'll get the brush and pan!
- No, no, no!

I've stopped worrying
about Dick having pups.

- Really?
- Yes!

- Oh! He may have something.
- "He has, double rupture."

Rupture.

Now, then...

Now, then.

What is the biggest worry
of your life at the moment?

- It's the Arabs.
- Arabs! Arabs!

I'm worried about them
buying this house

while the market
is depressed.

Arabs?
♪ Up-boom buh-buh-buh-boom! ♪

This will be a fee-paying worry.

Arabs! Now, what for this you
need is a grade-A Jewish worry.

You get Golders Green
Shield Stamps and a tree...

And a tree in Israel.

Now, then,
Jewish worry commence.

Oh-Woe!

I'm worried about them
buying my house

- while the market is depressed!
- Depressed!

They might even buy the market
while my house is depressed!

Don't worry!
They'll never buy this house!

Never!

Never buy the house!

Never! Not even Grandmother!

- I mean, they've bought the Dorchester.
- Dorchester!

From what I hear,
they're gonna buy Manchester!

Oh-oh! And why do they wear
those long robes?

- Robes!
- What are they hiding underneath?

Hiding their daughter of 16.
Oh! Oh!

- Right, that'll be 20 quid.
- 20 quid?

Well, you'd better
start worrying.

- Why?
- I haven't got it.

- Ohhh...
- Wait a minute.

I'll do that for you.

Oh, Worry, worry, worry!

I'm worried about not being paid
for my Jewish worrying.

And a tree in Israel.
Oh, worry, worry...

Come in, sketch number 29.

Your time is up.

What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

- What are we gonna do now?
- Sidcup, she said.

Don't worry, son.
With this method, you cannot miss.

Ready. Take aim.

Fire!

Bull's-eye! See?

Good evening.
The Annan Committee has suggested

that there might be too much
violence on television.

Therefore, the BBC are making
attempts to modify this.

Tonight...

OK, Bananas.
Where did you hide 'em?

I... I didn't hide any bananas.

- It's no good jokin'.
- Not the way you tell 'em.

You asked for this.

Can I have the trousers,
as well?

OK, guys.

No, no! Not that!

Take that and that! And that!

You naughty man!

I'll never tell you!

You dirty rat, you!

OK, Al. Let me try.

Not him! He's got a big one!

No, no! No more, no more! Aagh!

Hey, Louis. Take it easy.
We don't wanna kill him.

The show is going
bad enough as it is.

OK, Mugsy. Give him the works.

- OK, Al.
- Not him!

Agh! Oh, no! No!

Agh! No!

Agh! No!

- Who is it, please?
- It's the police!

Can we come in and arrest you?

The first one to move gets this.

It's a penalty.

- Are they laughing?
- No, never mind. Keep going.

Coochie... Who hates you?
Coochie-coochie-coo, baby.

Yeah. You're gonna get
the chair for this.

- What am I gonna get?
- You get the table lamp.

He gets the hall stand.
And we all get a freeze-frame.

So, on 3rd March,
of 9th September, 1932,

the Capone gang was
smashed and imprisoned.

Owing to an oversight,
their victim,

Spike "Bananas" Milligan,

stayed strapped to that chair
until the day he died.

Died?
Can't anybody see or hear me?

Are you kiddin'?
This is BBC Two.

♪ Amen

♪ Oh, yes! ♪

Funny. I didn't know
he was coloured.

This is Alan Clare.
And I am not.

We have a mutual friend

who comes to the restaurant
where Alan plays.

He was one of the world's
great rugby players,

and if he had his way,
he'd be one again.

His name is Cliff Morgan,

and this tune is for him.
It's called erm...

I've got it on
a bit of old paper here.

♪ The Way We Were

Owing to a large number
of tourists in London...

"The poor British public...

...and they're getting poorer
all the time...

...are finding it very difficult
to get theatre tickets.

However, the London Passenger
Transport Board...

have decided to put a large number
of classical plays on the buses.

♪ Da-dum, da-dum, dum, dum

♪ Bum.

♪ Don't cry for me, Argentina

♪ The truth is
I never met you... ♪

Anybody in?

♪ The in-between years

♪ The in-between years

♪ I've kept my promise

♪ I've never met you ♪

♪ Oh, don't cry for me, Argentina

♪ The truth is... ♪

Oh, for goodness sake, Molly!

Give him something
to shut him up!

That's never happened
to Yehudi Menuhin.

Neither has this!

Listen! You grotty Herbert!

You insult my wife,
you insult me!

Good! Save me
belting you one, then!

What are you waiting to see?

We're waiting for
Pad One, Henry IV.

Oh, why?
Isn't he all in one piece?

Agh! Uh, agh!

When's this damn thing coming?

What are you moaning about?

I've been waiting here two hours
for a 14-and-a-half Desert Song.

A 14-and-a-half Desert Song?

♪ One alone

♪ To be on my own...

♪ My dearest head, I never... ♪

What are you waiting
to see, dear?

I'm waiting to see
a doctor, dear!

Next stop, Marble Arch.

Now is the winter
of our discontent

Made glorious summer
by this sun of York.

Fares, please! All fares.

Two for the whole performance.

We only go as far as Act ll.
Union rules.

Two acts on, one off.

You'll have to change
at Hammersmith on the 136

last act to Richmond. Right...

And all the clouds that lour'd
upon our house...

Three, four, five, a quid.

...in the deep bosom
of the ocean buried.

Now are our...

Two to where the bit where
Queen Anne gobs in your face.

Spitalfields.

Now are our brows bound up
with victorious wreathes,

Our br...

Shut up!
Eat your dates!

Three months ago they were scrubbing
camels' bums in the desert

- Now, then, where was I?
- "Bound up".

I can't be bound up.
I'm on All-Bran.

- "Bound up with..."
- Oh, yes, yes!

I've got it. Yes, yes.

Now are our brows bound up
with victorious wreathes;

our bruised arms
are not for monuments...

I'd like to go as far
as Clarence being drowned.

Right.

He takes a long time to drown,
darling.

Our stern alarums are changed
to merry meetings...

Oxford Circus! Watch this.

Marks and Spencer!

Buy the place!
Buy the place, that's it!

Wait till they find out
it's Jewish.

Grim-visaged war of Edward's
heirs the murderer shall be.

Dive, thoughts, down my soul:

Here comes Clarence now.

Brother, good day.

'Ere! What's your game?

You stupid nana!
Why don't you hand signal?

Go back to Persia!

What means this armed guard
That waits upon your grace?

Wait.
Any fares before the soliloquy?

No, no, no.

Ah! Such stars as do collide...

- What happened?
- My wedding tackle!

We've run into the back of
a 6A Midsummer's Night's Dream.

Just when Titania was
having it away with Oberon.

'Ere, she won't start!

A horse! A horse!
My kingdom for a horse.

Or a relief conductor,
even if he's only Pakistani.

You stupid nincompoop!

- Who are you, then?
- I'm Bottom.

Bottom?
You've got the wrong end on.

Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you very much!

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen!

You've been a fine audience.
Very fine indeed.

Where else would you get the Desert Song
for fourpence on a 137?

And now, to continue...

Danny Boy

♪ Oh, Danny boy
The pipes, the pipes are calling

♪ From glen to glen

♪ And down...

♪ The summer's gone

♪ And all the roses falling...

Now over to John Bluthal

and his impression
of the late Huw Wheldon.

It's a pity to see an actor of
John BIuthal's calibre

end his career so young.

And now a new potato.

Good evening and welcome
to Royal Windsor.

Amongst the least visited
of the Royal annexes

is this building. This is,
in fact, the headquarters

of the Queen's Jubilee
Boy Scouts Anonymous.

I will now go through this door,

which, apparently,
will let us inside.

Now, you have built this hut
for the Jubilee celebrations.

Have we? Hip-hip...

Hooray!

I can't help noticing that
there is in fact no roof.

Yeah. We noticed that as well,
just by chance.

How did you in fact notice this
just by chance?

One day it started to rain.

- Drip, drip...
- Hooray!

And I said,
"Let's get out of here,

or we're all gonna get wet."

And when we got outside,
you know what?

It was raining out there,
as well.

It was raining out there,
as well.

Yeah!

This is Head Scout Master
John Addit Smith.

Is it?

Your middle name is unusual.

No, it's Addit.

- Why Addit?
- People see me and say,

"He's Addit?.

And what have you done
for Jubilee year?

We done Knee-trembler
in the derby.

And Scout Len Lightowler

has done this sculpture
for the Queen.

Isn't it a good Ii...

Isn't it a good likeness?

A good likeness.

And now for the second pan
of that question: who is it?

Prince Charles.

- It doesn't look like him.
- No but wait until he's 85.

Then it will.

What do you think this show
has cost so far, Spike?

Our jobs.

Arsenal 3 - Tottenham 8...

Shut up, Rover!

Bad dog!

Shut up, Rover!

Why did you buy a deaf dog?

She's deaf, as well.

Just a minute, dear.
I'm gonna put the dog out.

♪ Land of hope and glory

♪ Mother of the free

♪ God who made thee...

♪ My-tea

Hello. This is... this is er... what is it?

Ah! I know. What am I, an idiot?

Er, yes, I am. What is it?

Oh, the Jubilee Q7 show.
The test card with jokes.

Er... and er... here. Aah! Oh, yeah.
You all right? Here are some jokes.

Er, why don't they give lrishmen tea breaks?

Answer: cos they can't afford
to retrain them.

♪ God who made thee mighty ♪

Shut up!

Whoever worked these props out?

Right. Good evening.

Or, if you've been eating liquorice,
good evening.

Yes, this is the Jub...
What? Shut up.

This is Jubilee Q7. It's not so much a show
as an embarrassment to the BBC, really.

We've never been entered
for the Golden Rose award at Montreux

but we have been entered as
a financial loss to the BBC accounts.

And now,
here's a way of getting a few days off work.

Now, folks, watch this: the bionic comic.

Yes, pals.

Yes!

Call it whatever you like.
Yes, I wear Union Jack jockey pants,

because I want to be a patriot
in the right area.

And I wear a chastity belt, so I can remain...

pure in heart for my Queen!

But there's a time lock on it,
dear, isn't there?

No! Please, no!

Not that again! Aaaargh! No!

She's only acting.

She's... seen it all before.

She's gonna see it again.

Woo, boyo! Woo, boyo!

Woo, boyo!

- Woo, boyo!
- Mm, rugby ball and chips.

And beautiful boyos'.!

Oh, dear! Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!

Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Lots of "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!"

Here comes another. "Oh, dear, oh, dear,
oh, dear!" Keep going.

We're under time, you see. They said, "Fill
in with the 'Oh, dears."' Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Oh! Dying, I am! Dying.
Still, it's better than working, isn't it?

Oh! Hello, Camera 1.
If yous have just joined us,

that must mean the programmes on
the other side are worse than this! Oh...

By these actions you'll have gathered

that I'm supposed to be a Welsh miner
lying in bed.

It doesn't produce much coal,
but by God, it's comfortable!

Oh, yes. You ask Richard Burton.
Now...

...he's had quite a bit of it, you know.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

And like him, I could marry Elizabeth Taylor,
who's also had quite a bit of it...

...and I'd be in there for one night shift
and out again like he was, boyo.

Listen, the canary's whistling.

He must have had a lot of it as well, then.

You see, that whistling means
the air in here is fit to breathe.

Thank God for Air Wick!
We make him eat three a day, you know.

♪ We'll keep a welcome in the hillside ♪

My God!

You get your own show, Secombe!

- Look at the time.
- Whoa-a-a-a-a-a!

Whoa! I'll be glad when that pithead hooter
is mended.

Oy, oy...
Oy, my life, Gareth, you don't eat!

You don't eat enough to keep fit!

How is that for monumental miscasting?

It's like ldi Amin playing the Queen Mother.

A nice bowl of soup I'll make.

Would you like a chicken or tomato?

- Oh, I think I'll have a leek.
- That's under the bed.

Always gets a laugh.

♪ This land of song will keep a welcome ♪
- My God!

Got him the second time.

Oh, he's a very persistent man, you know.
Very persistent.

I think I'll have a nice little rest now,
like this.

I don't understand this.
I keep getting these sliding attacks.

Ever since I had that holiday in Greece!

Oh, that's quite enough of it.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

- Oh, dear...
- Good morning, Evans the Bed.

- More hot water, Myra!
- Argh!

It's Doctor the Kill.

He's from Swansea.
He's one of the famous Swansea docs.

- Oh, it's bad news, butty.
- It was, for that joke!

Now, look, butty. There's nothing more the
National Health Service can do for you.

Oh? if I saw you privately, would that help?

- I'd be £20 better off.
- More hot water, Myra!

It's coming, it's coming. What do you think,
hot water grows on trees?

Tell me, Doctor,
how much longer can you give me?

Well...I'd say two - two days at the most,
and then...

Oy!

The place won't be the same without him...

Thank God!

Still, I can't grumble. I've had a good run.

That's what's possibly made him tired.
More hot water, Myra!

Tell me, Doctor.
I think I need a second opinion.

All right, I'll give it to you.

It's the same as the first.

- That'll be another pound.
- More hot water, Myra!

Now, listen, butty!

I've carried out every possible medical test

that's known to Llanelli Rugby Club!

I'm afraid you'll have to face the grim truth!

- You mean...
- "You mean" what?

You mean swine!

I don't mean swine. I mean.

Now, brace yourself for this.
Brace yourself, butty!

OK, I mean, butty...

that you're fit to bo gack to work on Monday.

Did you hear that? "Bo gack to work."

We've got to get a new typist on this show.

So I've got to bo gack to work.

Wait a minute!
That... that means "go back to work".

That's worse than "bo gack"!

I'd hoped you'd give me three more months

to see me through the rugby season.
Whoa-a-a-a! Somebody call a priest.

Overacting. O-O-O-Overacting!

♪ We'll keep a welcome in the hillsides

- My God!
- Secombe again.

-He's sent the family this time.
♪ We'll keep a welcome in the Vales ♪

Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Clifford Morgan!
I've just heard the terrible news

followed by the terrible weather forecast.

Right. Come along, now, lad. Let us pray
to the blessed Joe Gormley,

the patron saint of the burning nuts.

- You've crossed yourself.
- Why not? I've crossed everybody else.

Here, here, here. See this keep-fit rosary?

Oh, my, anthracites!

If he is going to die, I want him
to look good at the funeral. Heh, heh, heh!

I'll now say this rosary to Saint Rapture.

Hail Mary... Waaargh! No!

Offside! A rosary?
I thought you were a Welsh Baptist!

No, no, no! 'Tis well known
in modern comedy sketches

that Welsh Baptists don't get half as many
laughs as Irish Catholic priests.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Well, I've got news for you, buddy.
You haven't seen our boyo.

Send in Evans the Prayer!

Evans, don't you know
this is a smokeless home?

Good heavens! The phone's ringing!

What fool paid the bill?

Hello? What? Yes? Right.

Good news. That was the colliery.
I've been fired.

Half time!

♪ We'll keep a welcome in the hillside ♪
- He's back again. My God! Right, take that!

- Oh!
- Thank God! Another customer.

More hot water, Myra!

Attention, please! Attention, please!

Come in, comedy Sketch No.4,
your time is up.

What are we going to do now?

What are we going to do now?
What are we going to do now?

What are we going to do now?

Oh.

- Aah!
- 'Ey!

Is the sound of my watch disturbing you?

ls the sound
of my watch disturbing you?

'Ere, you don't know me. Can you hear
all that ticking noise going on?

'Ere, is there a bloke in there?

No, no, it's Dr Bormann drawing teeth.

Oh, is he?

Aaargh! Aaaargh! Aaaaaaaaargh!

Ooh... They got rid
of all his dinner manglers, then.

It's all bread and sops for him
for the rest of his life!

Same with our mother-in-law.
We make the dog chew all her food first.

'Ere!
That's a very nice watch you've got there!

There's no need to shout any more!
I've turned the volume down.

Right!

Gosh...

- It was a thank-you present from my wife.
- Oh? What was the occasion?

I left her.

That looks very posh, that, doesn't it?
Very... very French. French!

Like, in the Christian Dior mould, you know.

Good heavens! You must be a clairvoyant.

No, I'm a plumber.

- Then you're a clairvoyant plumber!
- Am I? I'll have to start charging more, then.

- I see your burst pipes...
- Listen. I'll tell you for why.

- He's gonna tell me for why!
- It is expensive, it is French

and it costs le francs un mille!

Le francs un mille?

That must be... phew...
le pounds un thousand!

Blimey!

Cor!

Strewth!

Phew!

Stone the crows!

Well, I never!

Well, I'll be blown!

Would you believe it!

Er...
can't think of any more.

Oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh!

Oh... Your teeth hurting you, son?

No, I'm just practising for when it does.

'Ere, aren't you Managing Director
of British Leyland?

- No.
- It's somebody like you, then.

Here's another.

Poor devil! Poor...
That's bad news. That's bad luck.

- Why?
- He only came in to nail down the lino!

'Ere, I'd love to know the bird lime by that.

So you shall. It is 11:30.

Hear that?
One thousand quid's worth of 11:30!

Oh! Wait a minute. 11:30?
That can't be right.

Well, of course it's right. 50 million
Frenchmen and I can't be wrong.

Well, an English can be right,
and I'll tell you for why.

This... this... invisible watch
that I've put on is...

This watch only costs £4!

Aaargh! Aaaargh!

It's shockproof. See?

And I bought this at the Russian Surplus
Army Store at Catford.

See? And that says 11:30,
so you've been done, mate!

- How dare you! Exploon!
- Exploon?

We've got to get rid of that typist.
It's no good.

Well, I'll exploon then!
You see, for a £1,000 French watch

to tell the same time as a £4 Russian one,
that sounds dodgy to me!

- Well, what do you expect?
- That ought to be eight or nine hours ahead!

- Well, it is!
- It is?

You see, this watch says 11:30... tomorrow!

Oh, brilliant! Hear that?

See, that's what money can do!
It buys you leisure time.

On Friday morning, when I'm shagged out
cleaning Mrs Grolick's burst pipes,

he's at home watching Sports View
on Saturday afternoon!

- Oi! Am I in this sketch?
- No.

- Right.
- What time is it, then, watch wallah?

- Watch wallah, watch wallah. Watch wallah!
- Wait for the laughter to end.

- What time is it, then?
- Time? Well,

by this invisible watch, it's 11:35 in Russia.

All right, it's time I started, then. I'll
begin with a few "I say, I say, I says."

- Oh? I say, I say, I say!

- Oh. What do you say, what do you say?
- Why is my brother-in-law

too tall for the Irish Guards
when he's under six foot?

I give up. Why is your brother too tall
for the Irish Guards

- when he's under six foot?
- Because he was buried yesterday.

- See?
- I don't under... Explain it.

Well, you see,
it's no good him being resurrected,

because if he is, they won't take him
back into the Irish Guards,

because he was killed, put under the ground
and he can't do it any more,

because he's actually died.
Finished. No more.

He's gone. Gone! Gone away.

The time that
that joke died was 11:37.

- I don't hold with watches on wrists.
- Oh? And what funny place

- do you strap yours on, then?
- I haven't got one.

Good. You can't strap it on that, then.

Tut, tut! I'm not interested in the hours,
minutes and seconds.

- I go by the days.
- Oh, yeah? As long as you go regularly!

- Oh! Oh!
- It's Martin Bormann.

I knew he'd come to a sticky end.

Right down. Right on down, as you are.

Yes, you have to spot
the odd man out here.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a delightful
quartet called The Sheba Sound

that I heard one evening in Blackheath.
I was so enamoured of them,

I've asked them to come on the show,
although they're very, very busy.

I'd like them to introduce themselves.

- This is...
- Deirdre Lind.

- And?
- Catherine Smith.

- And this is?
- Deirdre Dundas-Grant.

And who are you, you swine,
with all these women?

- Alastair Ross.
- They're going to play a number

called Zwei Freunde - that means "two
friends" or, with inflation, three. Good luck.

You possibly read the story

of the MP who left his clothes
on a lonely beach to lead a new life...

...in prison, with thousands of such MPs

who all left their clobber on various beaches
to start new lives.

This next sketch will show you
what kind of lives they are now leading.

Ooh! Oh, a Speak Your Weight machine.

I'll see if I can silence it.

Aaargh! Get 'er off! Get 'er off!

Aaargh! You've squashed my groils.

Oh, dear.

- What have you been eating, rocks?
- How dare you!

You're supposed to give me my correct
weight and tell me my fortune.

All right. You're bloody heavy and skint!

Just a minute. I know that voice.

You're John Stonebrook, Labour MP
for Bangla Southall.

Yes, she's seen
through my cast-iron disguise.

- But everyone thinks you're dead.
- Yes, that's the life I intended: death!

I am Drusilla, your wife.
Don't you recognise me?

Not legally, no. You may be my wife,
but to me you're just 50 stone

of fat, flab, cold porridge
with a few hairs here and there.

I don't understand.
His clothes and a cricket box

were found on a lonely beach
somewhere in South America.

He left a note on the piano.
I will read it to you.

- “Bong! Signed, Bechstein.“
- It was a nom du plume.

Well, farewell, Bluey!

I'm gonna get a pie and chips
and a tube of Foster's.

It's quicker by tube!

Gets a laugh in Australia.

- I wish he was there now.
- All right!

I know that voice! It's Kerry Packer,
Chairman of Cricketers' Box Anonymous.

That is right. Whose clothes were found
by a rusty zinc bath in Wagga Wagga.

Aargh! You're 18 stone and you're not
wearing anything underneath the kilt.

- Oh, what a beauty.
- John, John...

- What?
- John...

John, you can't spend the rest of your life
as a weighing machine

- just because you owe Prince Philip £1.
- Halt!

I mean me.

Now, Ma'am, is this machine
giving you any bother?

You silly policeman!
This machine is my husband.

Then I must caution you. You are drunk and
if you're contemplating doing anything silly,

- I should like to have first go.
- Here is our wedding photo.

- A white wedding?
- No, that was the wrong side.

- I say, John...
- Yes?

I'm just going to the post office
to see if there's any mail for us.

Good heavens! I recognise that voice.
That is Lord Rothermere,

whose clothes were found
on a lonely topless barmaid in Grimsby.

- There's something funny going on here.
- You must be joking! Haven't had a laugh

- for the last five minutes.
- Enough of this.

I've had enough of it, too - and I wrote it.

Officer, this machine is my husband, John
Stonebrook, missing from England.

Well, he ain't missing much!

You swine in blue! Looks of disdain.

Doo-doo-doo-doo! Little looks of disdain.

His clothes were found on a lonely beach
somewhere in South America.

- Was it Chile?
- Freezing!

It was so cold, you could
strike matches on 'em!

- Now, then...
- Yes?

- You have a lot to answer for!
- I don't talk till you put money in there.

- Right.
- I hate giving up my hard-earned bribes.

I shall cover his boring dialogue
with a couple of Irish jokes.

An lrishwoman and her husband go to bed
and she said,

"Mick, I've set the alarm clock for seven."
He said, "Why? There's only two of us."

Right. You're 18 stone, you've got halitosis
and a mole on your bum.

- What?
- It's no good, ladies and gentlemen.

We cannot keep up this ruse any longer.
David Lodge, water rat, actor,

one-time Cockleshell Hero,
you have just been on...

- Candid Railway Station!
- Candid Railway... No!

- Yes!
- That's marvellous. I didn't know!

Candid Railway Station! Marvellous!

Attention, please! Attention, please!

Come in, Comedy Sketch No.2003.
Your time is up.

What are we gonna do now?
What are we gonna do now?

What are we gonna do now?

♪

Oh! Hello, you 16-year-old beauty!

- You getting married, darling?
- No, my name is Norman Woods.

- I'm a piano tuner.
- Oh? Why are you dressed like a bride?

Well, to get the work these days,
you have to have a gimmick.

- What's this?
- That's the gimmick.

♪ Bless this house

♪ O Lord I pray

♪ Break them all by night and... ♪

- Just shake them in there, darling.
- 'Ere! I've 'ad enough of this!

All right, then.
♪ To dream

♪ The impossible dre-e-e-e-eam ♪

You can't fool me with that singing!
You're robbers and I've called the police!

Oh, dear madam,
you shouldn't have done that.

- Why not?
- Because we came here by Royal Decree.

I think it looked more like a Hillman Imp.
Ha, ha, ha!

What we're trying
to tell you, darling, is...

that we come from Buckingham Palace!

"Crowbar Scroggins, Jubilee burglar
by appointment to the Queen"?

Oh! Do you mean to say that we've been
chosen to be burgled by Royalty?

Indeed, madam! The choice has fallen
upon this... Mentmore of Brockley.

Oh, Your Majesty!

What a great honour to be done by her!

Tell me the whole story,
so I can flog it to the Daily Mirror!

Cover this boring speech
with piano accompaniment, please.

♪

The Queen has decided that
too many rich people are being burgled,

so this year, being Jubilee Year,
the poor are to have their chance

to, in the words of Prince Philip,
"cop a few bob from the insurance".

And I've got a surprise for the Queen!

My husband's a patriotic Scot!

- There's no such thing!
- And he's been waiting years

to sing his tribute to Her Majesty! Donald!

You call me here now?

- 'Ere! He's black!
- Yeah, I'm a rotten cook.

- Are you from the Queen?
- Yes.

Will you take this message to her?

♪

♪ God save our gracious Queen

♪ Long live

♪ Da noble Queen

♪ God save our Queen

♪ Send her victorious

♪ Happy and glorious

♪ Long to reign over us

♪ God save...

♪

♪ Da Queen ♪

Thank you very much. Lovely.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Bye!

- Come on. Come on!
- Bye!

Aren't you coming?

They shouldn't put chickens on drugs.

♪ Land of hope and glory

♪ Mother of the free

♪ How shall we extol thee?

♪ Who are born... ♪

Stop! It's too cold to go on.

Listen, this show... This show...

My brain hurts. What?

This show is called Jubilee Q7.

The antidote to logic. Ha ha ha!

No, but seriously, folks, we have had
a challenge from Mrs Eileen Plague of...

"Mrs Eileen Plague of Leyionstone

who says I can't get my body
through this hole.

Well, I take up your challenge, Mrs Plague.

I'll stall with my leg.
Hold it.

It's all right.

Get it over.
All right?

Now the arm. Get my arm.

Get it up. Get it...

Got it? Good.

Getting worried, aren't you, Mrs Plague, eh?

Now the other one.

Got it? Right.

Ha ha ha! You're gonna lose, Mrs Plague.

Now the other leg. Get it.

Get it out. Get it.

Agh!

Ow! Stop! I've come up against it.

I'm sorry, Mrs Plague. You win.

Never mind, eh?

Tell us, Lord Louis.
What do you think of Q7?

I think...

Q7 is very clever.

Therefore I can't understand it.

All right, then, say "A gottle of geer."

A gottle of geer.
A gottle of geer. A gottle of geer.

Now, sad news.

Very sad news. Oh, yes, very sad news.

Sad news. This is the last Q7.

Oh, well, you can't please 'em all.

Problem is, we don't please anybody.

Never mind, I'll cheer myself up
with this Edward Heath head.

Right. That's for the three-day week.

And that's from the miners.

That's for conducting
all those crummy carols

and putting the fear of God up us
at Christmas.

And that's for nothing.

And that's for bringing that soppy tad,
Mrs Thatcher, into government.

And that's for having a big yacht.

Ugh! Right, that feels better.

Next time, I'm going to vote Conservative.

See, I thought that might have got
a bigger laugh than that.

Never mind. Vote Conservative
and say goodbye to the good life.

I wouldn't mind... I wouldn't mind saying
goodbye to that for a bit.

You haven't had a bit for months.

In any case, you'd miss the luxuries.

- Like what?
- Like the floor.

That bootlace.

What, take away the floor?
I wouldn't stand for it.

You wouldn't be able to stand without it.

- Did you hear that?
- Hear it?

I got it.

Here, it's a couple of charlies.

- A couple of right ones here.
- Who are they?

I think they're a couple of Japanese tourists
with eye jobs all over.

You want to goey English night clubby,
see topless girly, big booby, plippy ploppy?

No?

There must be some mistake. We are
inspectors from the VAT department.

It's a VAT raid.

And me on a VAT-free diet!

You've no need to worry.
We are common-or-garden citizens.

As we haven't got a common or a garden,
we're stuck in this house.

- We're looking into irregularities.
- No good looking into ours.

We're regular every morning.

What is your business?

We are a five-star, luxury hotel

with a problematical cash flow problem.

Five... Five-star hotel?

Yeah, you can see it through the holes
in the ceiling at night.

- Is this building listed?
- Yes.

- Under what?
- Danger - falling masonry.

Three masons fell out the window
this morning.

- Aaargh!
- Look out!

Let me have a look.

It's Sheik Rattle And Roll.

He's been in bed with his wife
and he's come through the ceiling.

I'll give him artificial respiration.

No. He's rich, I'll give him the real thing.
Right.

You're all right.
You'll soon be back in Arabia.

Right. Right. No signs of money. No.

I'll help you on your way
to the complaints department.

Right. Camera three!

Camera three. Right.

Now, you may not know this,

but I'm from the Kensington
Sanitation Department.

That's funny. I didn't know that.

There's a noxious odour in this room.

Yes, it's his Moggle's.

- His Moggle's?
- Yes. His cat.

Ah, a pussy cat.

I thought as much.

- Where is he?
- He?

It's...

snuffed it.

That's why you sniffed it.

Yes, you see, his cat caught him
in a rat trap.

And he didn't want to live so we buried him
under floorboards with his mother-in-law.

Never mind about that five-star hotel,
where are your books?

We had to take 'em back to the library.

But we cut all the boobs pictures out first.

Don't let any of this fool you.
We know this is the Dorchester Hotel.

It was bought by Arabs
who have just let it go a bit.

These are front men.

My God, if this is the front,
it must be hell round the back.

Right...

we're looking for paintings, gold bars
and a dead cat called Muggles.

Oy! wey!

It's another one coming through!

He's on his honeymoon, too.
He's overdone it.

A back break already!

And me with my hand
in a bowl full of kreplach.

It's the bionic rabbi.

That's from the hochem.

And that's another one.

He runs with the speed of light.

Yes, he ought to,
he's three weeks behind with his rent.

And he's only been here two days.

Never mind, five-star-hotel tycoon,

because I just happen to be,
if you'll wait a minute...

bionic VAT-man.

And I...

...am bionic Robin.

Here's some Swoop for you, then.

Jumping jellybeans...

Jumping jellybeans and smoking salt beef
sandwiches, Robin,

we've got to stop that runaway,
renegade rabbi

before he gets to the Irish nuclear pile
and blows up Michael...

Holy cow!

Here, the battery's gone.

Did you see that, Garth?

They moved with the speed of light.

Yes, they're bionic.
That's it, we ought to go bionic.

Yes. I'll have a bionic crash course
right away.

Right! That's the first crash.

Bionic upsie-daisy. Now, watch this.

Little red crosses.

- You've mastered it.
- I haven't mastered it yet.

- Well, you have now.
- Yes.

You've mastered it now.

I have mastered it.
Now, what we've got to do now, then,

is do a bionic bank raid.

The trouble is to find an English bank
with money in it.

♪ Let your fingers do the walking

♪ Yellow Pages, Yellow Pages

♪ Let your fingers do the walking

♪ Yellow Pages, Yellow Pages ♪

We done it. We cloned it!

Hello. Ahem... Not bad for an ad-lib, is it?

What is your name?

- Franciscus Henri.
- What a good memory he's got.

Franciscus is an Australian.
However, we've sobered him up.

And he's going to sing a song
called The Ginger Man.

I'm going to shut down the bar
before he gets to it.

♪ She looked at me from Texas

♪ Told me about the war

♪ Told me about my brother Jess

♪ Living with the girl next door

♪ I wish she'd have told me more

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home, babe

♪ I'll sing it again

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home

♪ I heard from her in Utah

♪ She told me about my dad

♪ Told me how they worked him hard

♪ I guess he just fell down dead

♪ I wish it had cleared my head

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home, babe

♪ I'll sing it again

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home

♪ At last I saw the light

♪ After all those years

♪ I knew I must be right

♪ Through all the painless beers and I know

♪ Yes, I know, girl

♪ I know

♪ Baby, I know

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home, babe

♪ I'll sing it again

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home

♪ I got a car in Memphis

♪ A new dress

♪ See as above

♪ Told me how she'd found herself

♪ Some big city turtle dove

♪ I signed my name with love

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home, babe

♪ I'll sing it again

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home

♪ Home

♪ Oh, Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home, babe

♪ I'll sing it again

♪ Ginger Man

♪ Follow me home ♪

Good evening. For several months now,

the overseas department of Q7 have been
seeking an interview with Queen Elizabeth II

and her husband Prince Philip I.

However, all our efforts have been in vain,

but we have succeeded in achieving an
interview with the Queen's chicken...

...and her handler, Herbert Scrackle.

Good evening.

From here, at Royal Balmoral...

...welcome to another royal interview.

Tonight...

Tonight...

Tonight the Queen's own chicken

and keeper of the royal eggs,
Sergeant Herbert Scrackle.

Sergeant Scrackle?
- Yes, Hugh.

Sergeant Scrackle, you have developed...

...you have developed the ability to
understand chicken's body language.

Yes, yes.

You have to put your hand
in the right place, of course.

Otherwise you get the outgoings.

And could you, in fact,
show us how this is done.

Er... yes, I use the clutching method.

He uses the clutching method.

- Could you demonstrate?
- Yes.

- Will you demonstrate?
- Oh, yes, yes.

What I do is feel her under the gronics,
there.

The sound starts travelling up my arm.

Her sounds. Her sounds.

Steady, steady. Whoa. Steady.

It travels up my right arm
into the humerus here.

That's it, she's coming through.

That's it, it's coming through now.

- It comes out here as human speech.
- I see.

Could you show us how, in fact,
this is done?

Hello, Tom, that is a nasty bruise
you have on your knee.

That is human speech.

Well, I knew you could speak,
Sergeant Scrackle.

Did you?

That gives a man a great degree
of confidence.

What we want is for her to say something.

All right, then,
I'll just set her up for a chat.

There you are, dear.

Not yet, not yet.

I mean, has she, in fact, said something?

- No.
- Why not?

You haven't asked her anything.

I see. You're supposed
to actually speak to her?

Oh, yes you can't expect a chicken
to talk to itself.

In a minute, darling. In a minute.

You can't expect a royal chicken
to talk to herself.

I mean, they don't want
to become a laughing stock.

I mean, it'll be bad enough
when she becomes chicken stock.

Very well, then. Sergeant Scrackle...

Sergeant Scrackle, I will now endeavour
to perhaps ask her a question.

I'll set her up for a chat, then.

- Now, er...
- Steady, Molly, steady.

Heel! Heel, Molly.

- Yes, dear.
- Now, let me think.

In a minute. In a minute.
In a minute, darling.

Well, this is... Well,
I find this very foolish.

I mean, I can't talk to a chicken.

Oh, yes you can. Her Majesty
The Queen talks to her every day.

She says, "My husband and I
are very pleased with you."

Oh, I see.

Let me... Let me say...
Do you like Her Majesty The Queen?

Yes. Yes, she likes her very much.

I mean, do you like...
Do you like Her Majesty The Queen?

Yes, I just said she likes her very much.
What's the matter with you?

She says... What?

It is a.. Yes?

...great pleasure to strain
for the Queen every morning.

A remarkable answer
from a remarkable bird.

And another first for the BBC.

And a possible double knighthood for me,

which, in itself, is another first.

Now, Sergeant Scrackle, this extraordinary
very talented, royal chicken,

does she, in fact, lay eggs on demand?

Oh, no, she lays them on the floor
like everybody else's.

Quite.

- Tell me, er...
- She's just waving goodbye.

- What do you think...?
- What? No, no, down.

Tell me... Now, look here, hen,

- Listen, Hen.
- ..what do you think of Prince Phillip?

Agh!

Never mention Prince Philip.
She can't stand him, or the Queen Mother.

Where is she?

An unfortunate incident.

But while the royal chicken
is being apprehended,

let me mention my new book
which is just out today.

Modestly priced at £100,

Straining For The Crown;
The Memoirs Of A Royal Chicken.

And now...

Ladies and gentlemen, I will play
Rachmaninov's variations on a theme

by Paganini.

This is the last time
I order a piano from Harrods.

Sorry to have to disappoint you,

If you will follow me,

I will continue with Rachmaninov's
variations on a theme by Paganini.

Or some other ninny.

Anybody in?

Oh, crikey.

Excuse me, I have paid a vast amount of
money for these complimentary tickets.

Good!

Since then, I have paid to travel
on a 137 bus to Acton,

walked a mile and heard you shout
through a letterbox.

Listen, creep, you wanted

to hear Rachmaninov's variations
on a theme by Paganini?

- Yes.
- Well...

those were some of them.

- What's that?
- Those were some more of 'em.

That's a very hard variation.

The war's over, darling.

Agh!

Oh, thank God, the gas board.

And about bleeding time.

I've lost two husbands while I've been
waiting for you to come and mend this leak.

The gas board?
We come here to see your piano.

Why? That ain't leaking!

Good. That's just the type of piano we want.

Look, don't keep me out here on film.

Let's go live into the studio,

and stop these creeps breaking their necks
looking up at the monitors.

In you go.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, Rachmaninov's
variations on a theme by Paganini.

Well...

Well...

All of you watching in the palace,
will you switch off?

I tell you, Philip,
you're in charge. Switch off.

Remember, I gave you that TV set
for your wedding present.

And you won't get another one,
unless you get divorced. Understand?

Now, all sing after me.

♪ God save our gracious Queen ♪

How do the rest of the words go?

Roll up, roll up, bejeebers.

Join the Irish Guards,
stepping stone to obscurity.

It's a man's life, begorrah and be dead.

Nevertheless, can l join the Irish Guards

and get killed in the corner of some foreign
underwear that is forever England?

Of course, sonny,
we're looking for young men like you.

- Tell me, what is your business?
- I am a plumber. Have you got any leaks?

No. For that you need the Welsh Guards.

We need a bigger laugh than that.

In place of not getting that laugh,
just to spite this audience,

I will join the Irish Guards.

Well, I'll be damned!

All right, you be Dad and I'll be Mum.

It's punishing in here. It's killing you.

I must ask you, have you any Irish blood?

Yes. I've got a bottle in the fridge
and another bottle here.

Oh, ha ha ha!

Let me see: "90% Guinness, 4% holy water.
Keep out of the reach of Protestants."

Now I've got to ask you
the Irish entrance test.

- Yes?
- Spell "cat".

Cat. Oh, the hard ones first, eh?

All right, C-A... meow.

- Is that right?
- Oh, it's right.

You're in. Sir, he is definitely
officer material.

- Points!
- Ow!

How old are you, sonny?

Now, I'll just put on the Irish computer.

Right.

I'm 92. 92.

I am sorry, you are too old
for the Irish Guards.

Nonsense. I am not too old,
as these three filmed inserts

that we did in Norfolk last month,

where we all got stoned out of our mind
on BBC money, will prove.

Oh, yes, I can definitely say, with
the evidence before my very eyes,

you are old enough to join the Irish Guards.

Sign there, please.

Am I doing right, Mother?

I hope we're going to be very happy because
you're going to be here for a longtime.

What do we do now?

The chicken's here! There's the chicken!

Guards, attention.

By the right, quick march.

And, guards, halt.

Right turn.

Dancing for the Queen in Jubilee year
yet again, commence.

Your Majesty.

I suppose you remember me in that film
Cockleshell Heroes.

It's a great honour
to be killed by the Queen...

twice in Jubilee year.

Therefore, after me, let's have a merry time
with The Death March.

Hey!

Hey!

Ladies and gentlemen, finally, the entire
cast in an hour of ad-lib coughing.