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1
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:22,354
Come to Duke of Marlborough Country...
2
00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:24,636
where the big flavour is.
3
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,950
Hello. Since I've changed to Honson
and Bedges...
4
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,311
...I've never felt better.
5
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,311
Until then...
6
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,917
...I only had four days to live.
7
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,038
And now...
8
00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:46,117
“I've got five!
9
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,556
Honson and Bedges.
10
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,871
The cigarette that gives you
that little bit more.
11
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,431
One number 25.
12
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,631
Ow!
13
00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:18,397
Ja! Butlins!
14
00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:20,756
Ze Englanders, many such prisons have.
15
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:28,110
But ze worst of all ist ze
BBC-ische Schloss Vood Lane.
16
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:31,709
Billy Cotton Junior, fourth floor.
17
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:37,034
The security is fantastisch
and from this place zer is no escape.
18
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,873
Not only can you not get out of this place,
19
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,474
but you can't get in!
20
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,710
Nichts parken.
21
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:49,270
Within these walls,
there are undreamed of tortures:
22
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:52,432
ze cheese und tomato - 75p.
23
00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:57,799
Ze strawberry blancmange
with real artificial cream - £1.50.
24
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:06,599
Worst of all, ze Scotch egg -
£3.75 plus Wealth Tax, £9.11.
25
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:13,120
So top security is zis prison
zat inside it is ein nuder prison.
26
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,469
These are men who
have been caught acting in Colditz,
27
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:19,951
being escorted to their cells
by sadistic floor managers.
28
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,758
There we are. Whoops!
29
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:29,669
Ve know that von of you is hiding
ein short-wave radio.
30
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:32,912
Lies! All lies, Dr Krappenhauser.
31
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:37,915
My men are absolutely... erm...
32
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,196
- Innocent.
- Innocent!
33
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,635
I know the line, Watley. I know the line.
34
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,119
Innocent. My men are innocent.
35
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:49,158
And as long as I'm in charge of these men...
36
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,675
As long as I'm in charge of these...
37
00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:53,751
- Men.
- Men. I know the line!
38
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,070
I know the line, I tell you.
39
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,912
Men. Men.
40
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,911
It's no good, I'll never remember these lines.
41
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,640
I'm afraid you'll have to go on
with the series without me.
42
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,552
For God's sake, pull yourself together.
43
00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:08,315
You think this is bad, you should have been
with Antony Steele in The Wooden Horse.
44
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:16,276
Right. Noele Gordon and I were quite happy
together in Crossroads.
45
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:21,274
And then came the great TV ratings war.
46
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,000
The ITV swept the board.
47
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:27,072
There was Montreux with the Golden Rose.
48
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,151
But the BBC hit back.
49
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,955
I remember the day when Sir Hugh
Carleton Greene flew back from America.
50
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:40,719
And here is the paper which bears
his name upon it, as well as mine.
51
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,591
It was the contract for Colditz.
52
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:50,230
Quiet! Can't you see the red light's on?
We're shooting.
53
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,834
It'll be your turn next, sailor.
54
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,470
Do you think that frightens me?
I've done the greatest acting in the world.
55
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:59,473
For God's sake, stop it, man.
They'll get you for overacting.
56
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:03,394
Stop it! Do as your captain says.
57
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,195
For God's sake, do as he says.
58
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,920
Or I'll transfer you
to a maximum security series.
59
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,389
- You mean?
- The Larry Grayson Show.
60
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,593
Shut that door.
61
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:21,674
You chaps don't know what real suffering is.
62
00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:25,310
Wait until you've done 20 years in
The Black And White Minstrel Show.
63
00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:29,394
Do you know what it's like
to sing Hello Dolly 700 times,
64
00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,199
and Toot, Toot, Tootsie,
Goodbye 800 times,
65
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:35,989
and California, Here I Come 900 times?
66
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,959
When deep down, all you want is to sing...
67
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,839
Maybe It's Because I'm A Londoner.
68
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,076
'Ey, cobbers.
69
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,071
It's an Australian actor.
70
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:51,912
And a very bad one.
71
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:57,471
We've caught the bloody idiot,
who's been writing this TV series.
72
00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:59,517
- Who is it?
- Well...
73
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:07,474
"he's a night washer-up in the Watford Gap
cafeteria on the M1, digger.
74
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,197
So, that's why it's so bloody awful.
75
00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:13,989
Now, listen, you've got to write us
a mass escape from this series
76
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:18,350
because I've got a deodorant commercial
in Barbados!
77
00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,509
He's going to feel this in the morning.
78
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,473
Using ein brilliant series of disguises
79
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,712
from the crummy BBC wardrobe
from other series,
80
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,314
the entire cast attempted to escape.
81
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,199
First... Coronation Street.
82
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,835
Then the brilliant Upstairs And Downstairs.
83
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:56,833
Then Dixon Of Dock Green.
84
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,231
Come Dancing...
85
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,311
On One Leg.
86
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:08,718
Arr!
87
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:24,829
Go away. Go away, all of you!
88
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,111
Physician, feel thyself.
89
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:45,834
That didn't go very well, did it? I think
perhaps we didn't articulate clearly enough.
90
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:50,437
I'd like to do it again, so that those people,
who are hard of hearing, or just plain thick,
91
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,830
- can have a second go at the rabbit.
- All right.
92
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:56,515
We're going to go on that again, lads.
The groping doctor sketch, take two.
93
00:07:56,600 --> 00:08:00,480
Just a minute. It's absolutely unnecessary
to refer to a sketch as that.
94
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:05,794
"Groping doctor sketch." In the script it says
simply, "Doctor and lady patient sketch."
95
00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:08,793
Yeah. But the whole idea is you're trying
96
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:11,156
to have it away with her
on the National Health
97
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,596
and she's not having any of it, is she?
98
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,990
Clever dick.
I was at the rehearsals, you know.
99
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,960
She's a woman of easy virtue and she's
obviously disarranged her clothing
100
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,680
to blackmail the Queen's surgeon.
101
00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,034
All right.
102
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,078
All right, then. Right, right.
103
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:31,357
The Queen's surgeon sketch
with the dirty blackmailing tart...
104
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:33,874
...take two.
105
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,070
Physician, feel thyself.
106
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,511
Hold it! Hold it!
107
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,274
What did you put all the clobber on for?
108
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,512
We only did this take to make you
the decent Queen's surgeon.
109
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:55,356
I didn't pull her clobber off as the Queen's
surgeon, I pulled it off as an actor.
110
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,235
Well, it still didn't get a laugh, did it?
111
00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:03,154
Allow me, allow me to play the doctor,
112
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,392
and I will guarantee you
complete satisfaction.
113
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,720
I dunno.
He come from the audience, didn't he?
114
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:17,437
All right, he's barmy. They're all bleeding
barmy when they come here.
115
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:24,514
Don't shout me out, mate.
I'm not responsible for it, am I?
116
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,275
We've got here...
What's it? "Chuckles Malone?
117
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,715
Rent A Laugh. Clacton-on-Sea."
118
00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,110
Look here, I happen to have
my references on me.
119
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,794
Getting all this, are you?
Bring the mike down a bit.
120
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:38,918
Des O'Connor crossovers.
I have Max Bygraves.
121
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,877
One pie in the face.
122
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:44,112
And, look here, this one,
I've even done News At Ten.
123
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,669
All right. He'll try anything.
124
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,400
- Thank you. God bless you.
- All right, then.
125
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:52,154
You'll have your job cut out this time,
believe me, mate.
126
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,993
What we need for this sketch
is a couple of poofs in drag.
127
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:57,958
All right, what is it?
128
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:03,035
All right, then, the idiot
from the audience Malone sketch
129
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:06,715
with the bird the big knockers
and all the...
130
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,871
take...
131
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,839
I say! I say, nurse.
132
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:16,515
What comes out of cows
and rings like a bell?
133
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:20,150
I don't know. What comes out
of cows and rings like a bell?
134
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:21,719
Dung!
135
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,714
Listen... you screwed it!
136
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,837
How dare you?
137
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:54,799
You didn't say the line, darling:
"Physician, feel thyself."
138
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,156
- Look here, it got a laugh.
- That's not the point.
139
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,277
The point is... Stop that.
140
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:03,115
The whole point of the sketch is you've
got to say, "Physician, feel thyself."
141
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,874
- All right, if you have to have it.
- Yes, I have to have it.
142
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,634
All right, then.
Look here, don't bawl me out, mate.
143
00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:12,429
I've had a hard day. The missus gave me a
large screwing last night. I've had enough.
144
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:14,431
Anytime you like! Outside, then! Outside!
145
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:17,990
All right! I've seen your bleeding washing
hanging on the line.
146
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,914
- All right, then, are you ready?
- Yes!
147
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:28,110
The bloke with the revolving chest
and the bird who's flashing the lot
148
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,032
and I'm...
149
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:31,952
All right, action! I've had enough!
150
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,755
I say, I say, nurse!
151
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:39,674
What comes out of cows
and rings like a bell?
152
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:43,549
I don't know. What comes out of cows
and rings like a bell?
153
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,516
Physician, feel thyself!
154
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,955
You've made a right cock up of this,
haven't you?
155
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,591
This was a decent, respectable sketch
until you came along.
156
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:01,235
What are you insinuating, you Equity
ponce?
157
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,034
I think you're an infiltrator from ITV.
158
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:09,910
You're one of Sir Lew Grade's "destroy
a BBC sketch a day" men, aren't you?
159
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,799
You step outside and say that.
160
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,914
You must be an infiltrator from ITV.
161
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,311
You're one of Sir Lew Grade's "destroy
a BBC sketch a day" men, aren't you?
162
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:26,717
I'm off the sketch.
163
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,393
It must be here somewhere.
164
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,120
Boy! Come on, boy.
165
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,556
♪ I had her down by the dance
166
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:38,075
♪ I had her down by the dance ♪
167
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,755
Excuse me, Constable. Have you seen
the payoff to a comedy sketch?
168
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:48,075
I seen "That was no lady, that was my wife"
go by half hour on a cycle.
169
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:49,912
Thank you.
170
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,316
How did he know I was a constable?
171
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:05,875
What you are seeing at this very moment is
the smallest police station in the world.
172
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:09,157
But I am but a voiceover.
173
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:13,359
Oh, no, it isn't. This is the smallest
police station in the world.
174
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:19,675
Yes, it will hold three fully-grown policemen
or eight large constables.
175
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,751
Lies! That man is lying!
176
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:23,751
I'm not, I'm standing on my head.
177
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,189
Groans. Groans.
178
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:31,558
No, this is the smallest police station
in the world.
179
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,995
And I should know.
180
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,390
Let us put an end to these rumours.
181
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:41,354
This is definitely the smallest police station
in the world,
182
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:45,638
and I'm about to incarcerate a criminal in it.
183
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:47,950
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
184
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:52,671
Yes. And now, live from a window ledge
in Peckham...
185
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,875
...Frank Sinatra sings.
186
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,156
Old Red Eyes is back.
187
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,154
♪ Isn't it rich?
188
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,512
♪ Don't you agree?
189
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,756
♪ You with your feet on the ground
190
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,160
Agh!
191
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,390
♪ Hi-diddle-dee
192
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,357
♪ Bring on the clowns ♪
193
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,592
What are you doing on that ledge, son?
194
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:25,478
I'm not doing anything on it.
195
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,915
There's not enough room
to do anything on it.
196
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,839
Unless it's something strange.
197
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:39,711
I must warn you that anything you say
must be as rehearsed this afternoon.
198
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,110
There goes the repeats.
199
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:45,318
And now the best of Charles Aznavour.
200
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:48,153
♪ She
201
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:53,076
♪ Maybe the face you can't forget ♪
202
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:56,152
Is that really the best of Charles Aznavour?
203
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,072
Yeah. Bloody awful, isn't he?
204
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:03,997
But now, Constable,
the best of Joan Sutherland.
205
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,037
♪ Once a jolly swagman
206
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:12,071
♪ He diddled in his duffel bag ♪
207
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,720
Just a minute.
Are you going to come quietly,
208
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,916
or do I have to use ear plugs?
209
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,152
- Oh! Kinky, eh?
- Stop that.
210
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,231
You're trying to turn me on, aren't you?
211
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,631
It's long-haired hippies like you
who are responsible
212
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,950
for these wog, takeaway restaurants.
213
00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:35,632
Listen, Constable, I died in the last war
for people like you.
214
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:41,637
If I was alive today,
I'd be a trainee suicide.
215
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,552
Did he say suicide?
216
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:48,793
Did he say internal lodgement fittings?
217
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,070
You won't kill yourself jumping off there,
son.
218
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,436
No, this is only a trainee ledge, see?
219
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,319
Splat. I'm still alive.
220
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,710
You can't start at the top right away,
you know?
221
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,394
Whereabouts is the khazi in this place?
222
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,312
Upstairs.
223
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,074
I've had enough of you. Now, you, hop it.
224
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:13,119
Hop it? No, I promised him I wouldn't.
225
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,157
You wouldn't? Wouldn't what?
226
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,277
- I promised him.
- Who?
227
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:21,079
Neville Vile.
228
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,716
Neville Vile?
229
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:27,440
Neville Vile! Neville Vile!
230
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,193
He's the one who's supposed
to be committing suicide.
231
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,590
I was only keeping his place for him.
232
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,230
You see, it was getting near his din-dins,
233
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:40,039
and he felt a bit faint,
and he nearly felled off.
234
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,993
- But I thought that was the whole idea.
- No.
235
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,118
No.
236
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:51,353
If Neville felled off, that don't count.
237
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,877
Neville has to hurl himself forth
so he goes, whee, splat, ribs, guts.
238
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,710
It's called family planning.
239
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:06,634
You see, I have a job of natural impotence.
240
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:09,394
I am a birth control.
241
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:14,111
- Are you a precaution?
- No.
242
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,191
I'm a Catholic.
243
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:22,189
You see, one of these days
they''ll reckon it's cheaper to have suicides
244
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,032
than give the women the pill.
245
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,794
So, if a woman is in the club,
246
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,952
and goes to the quack and says,
“I'm it again for the 15th time,“
247
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,954
he writes out a prescription
for the husband to commit suicide.
248
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:39,113
So they send him to a National Health
Service window ledge 50 feet up,
249
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:44,433
where highly trained staff push him off.
Whee, splat!
250
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,397
'Ey. There's no paper.
251
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,596
In the cupboard under the stairs.
252
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,114
Aa-aagh!
253
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:56,231
Here! It's the governor
of the Bank of England.
254
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:00,840
- And he's left a suicide note.
- What does it say?
255
00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:04,197
"promise to pay the bearer
£1 on demand."
256
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,272
Ha ha ha!
257
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:16,275
That must be what they call
the falling pound.
258
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:24,994
Right, then, folks,
the very best of Marlene Dietrich.
259
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,595
♪ Falling in love again
260
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,434
♪ Never wanted to ♪
261
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:57,515
Miss Dietrich, I must congratulate you
262
00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:01,878
on the brilliance of your impression
just now, of the Tramp.
263
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,793
Fancy me thinking you was a real man.
264
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:11,513
Miss Dietrich, I would like to point out
that you omitted to shave this morning.
265
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,591
Aa-aagh!
266
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,153
It's the new governor
of the Bank of England.
267
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:21,799
- Here.
- Aaagh!
268
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,949
It's the governor
of the Bank of Germany.
269
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:33,232
It's the governor
of the soddy Bank of Arabia.
270
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,073
There's another one!
271
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:38,310
I'll do it before somebody else does.
272
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,438
It's President Ford.
273
00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,318
Bingo.
274
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,152
'Ey, there's none in the cupboard.
275
00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,072
Here's a couple of quid. Use that.
276
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,071
No, no, no!
277
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,071
Yes, yes, yes.
278
00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:10,637
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. What are you doing?
279
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,711
I'm directing the traffic, my dear.
280
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,155
If you're a policeman, what am I?
281
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,311
Try these.
282
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,869
Right. Imagine that.
283
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:24,397
All my life I thought I was a policeman,
when I was really a hedge cutter.
284
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,751
For the second time...
285
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:35,870
"this is The Doggerel Bank Band.
286
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:38,839
And I am not.
287
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:54,632
♪ Mr Skillicorn dances
288
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,712
♪ Mr Skillicorn dances
289
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,950
♪ He does it very well
290
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,116
♪ AII by himself
291
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,760
♪ And when he falls
292
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,678
♪ So slow
293
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,911
♪ He floats to the boards
294
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,877
♪ On a wave of applause
295
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,157
♪ Mr Skillicorn's ass hits the floor
296
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,151
♪ Give us some more
297
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,959
♪ Dance like before you fell
298
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,997
♪ Encore
299
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,914
♪ You can't deny he's falling well
300
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,391
♪ Tonight, yes, this was worth waiting for
301
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:35,435
♪ We laughed
302
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,716
♪ But it's not funny at all
303
00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:40,711
♪ Not any more
304
00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:45,350
♪ Every time he hits the stage
305
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,353
♪ We all of us cackle like hell
306
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:53,032
♪ But it wasn't funny
307
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:57,273
♪ When a fat comedian fell
308
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:58,998
♪ We laugh for him
309
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,434
♪ He falls for us
310
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,797
♪ He strips our tears of laughter
311
00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:06,554
♪ We've been falling for years
312
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:11,953
♪ And after here comes another time
taking its chance
313
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:15,635
♪ Dance, fool, dance, fool,
dance, dance, dance
314
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:19,718
♪ Where's the rapport
315
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,632
♪ We had before?
316
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:24,758
♪ Mr Skillicorn, you're no longer fun
317
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:30,634
♪ Outside the trains have ceased to run
318
00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:34,554
♪ We're willing to go home
if only you'd admit you're done
319
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:38,679
♪ You're old,
but the moon outside is still young
320
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:40,717
♪ The night is still young
321
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,753
♪ Mr Skillicorn dances ♪
322
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,231
♪ Oh, Susanna
323
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,356
Whoa! Tonto, look!
324
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,000
There's a golf hole in distress.
325
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:57,757
Wentwoflh.
326
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,912
And it's a birdie.
327
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,592
White man come. With athlete's foot.
328
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:14,032
Sir, you're standing on my hole.
329
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:15,394
You must be a funny shape.
330
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,471
That's why I wear a mask.
331
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:20,598
Who's a-saying so?
332
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,557
Matt Dillon, Marshall of Dodge City,
333
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,870
Royal and Ancient Country Club. No Jews.
334
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:28,590
We're giving you five minutes
to get your balls off my green.
335
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:32,719
Are you calling me and my successful
TV series a lie, sir?
336
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:36,475
No, sir. Me and my even more successful
TV series is telling you
337
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:38,471
to get your balls off my green.
338
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:43,077
That's fighting talk from where my
successful TV series comes from.
339
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,720
OK. Me and my even more successful
TV series
340
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:49,077
is challenging you and your successful
TV series to a shoot out,
341
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:53,552
high noon, Stars On Sunday, 6:15,
Yorkshire Television, Colour.
342
00:24:53,640 --> 00:25:00,034
♪ He gave us some daffodils
and squashy marshmallows
343
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:05,593
♪ Delicious Barbara CartIand
and Readers' Digest
344
00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,718
♪ And nice little puppy dogs
345
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:15,877
♪ Yes, God made them all ♪
346
00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:23,314
♪ Land of hope and glory ♪
347
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:26,119
Hey, that's my hole.
348
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:30,558
Lone Ranger, I'm taking you in for the
murder of John Hanson in Stars On Sunday.
349
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:35,157
John Hanson, I'm taking you in for
the murder of The Desert Song.
350
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:40,235
Lone Ranger, I'm arresting you for a bad
impression of Schnozzo Durante.
351
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:42,834
I love you, Matt Dillon.
352
00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,953
- Partner, you're dead.
- I'm not that dead.
353
00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,919
- Am I, Matt?
- No, of course, John.
354
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,196
- Let's do a TV series together.
- Yes.
355
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:54,954
♪ God made ♪
356
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:57,839
♪ Them all ♪
357
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,799
This Sunday...
358
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,554
"the third after Pontefract...
359
00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:10,073
"the parable of the Good Samaritan...
360
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:16,559
...will be read by Police Constable Sergeant.
361
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,916
And I say unto you...
362
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,991
...evening, all.
363
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:36,437
And it come to pass that a man, Jewish,
five-foot-three...
364
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:43,838
...he was proceeding along
the Jerusalem-Jericho highway.
365
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,919
But he exceeded not the speed limit.
366
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:56,440
Then he pulleth up
for he hath need of a bush,
367
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:02,756
an of fence that can bring a fine and 30 days.
368
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:10,235
There springeth out on him three thieves
who beateth out of him the crap.
369
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:16,390
And, verily, he flaketh out.
370
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:22,832
Then come night, lighting up time, 7:23...
371
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:26,755
...and the snow falleth on him.
372
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:31,758
And, verily, by morning,
thou could strike matches on them.
373
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:45,393
And many travellers, seeing him,
passed by on the outside lane...
374
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:49,758
...saying he must beam as a newt.
375
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:56,680
But there cometh the Samaritan,
376
00:27:56,760 --> 00:28:00,879
and seeing him flaked out,
he bound up his wounds,
377
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:03,918
pouring in oil and vinegar.
378
00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:07,515
And the victim screameth, sayeth...
379
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,438
..."Hast thou never heard of Elastoplasts?"
380
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,233
Then...
381
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:23,234
The the Samaritan setteth him
upon his own ass.
382
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:28,550
Registration: RU 12.
383
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:31,831
And he taketh him...
384
00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:37,277
And he taketh him to an inn...
385
00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:39,351
where they had a good night.
386
00:28:41,400 --> 00:28:45,439
On the morrow,
he giveth the innkeeper tuppence.
387
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:49,074
Which was later brought up
in evidence against him.
388
00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:51,953
Evening, all.
389
00:28:57,040 --> 00:29:00,158
Excuse me. Are you "That was no lady,
that was my wife"?
390
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,232
- Oh, no, I'm a much better payoff than that.
- What's that?
391
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,679
- Physician, feel thyself.
- Absolutely correct.
392
00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:28,751
Thank you. Isn't that wonderful?
393
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:35,471
Physician, feel thyself.
394
00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:37,551
Really wonderful. It really is.
395
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:42,636
And very good too. That really is good.
396
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:47,349
- Physician, feel thyself.
- Physician, feel thyself is correct.
397
00:29:59,231 --> 00:30:04,021
♪ Land of hope and glory
398
00:30:04,111 --> 00:30:08,025
♪ Mother of the free
399
00:30:11,071 --> 00:30:15,588
♪ Who made thee mighty
400
00:30:15,671 --> 00:30:20,950
♪ Make thee mightier yet
401
00:30:21,031 --> 00:30:26,583
♪ Wider still and wider
402
00:30:26,671 --> 00:30:30,187
♪ Mighty power...
403
00:30:31,951 --> 00:30:35,546
♪ ..land for ever
404
00:30:35,631 --> 00:30:39,420
♪ Make thee mightier yet
405
00:30:41,111 --> 00:30:46,504
♪ God... who made thee... mighty
406
00:30:46,591 --> 00:30:51,665
♪ Make thee mightier yet ♪
407
00:30:51,751 --> 00:30:54,664
Well, now you can see
what's wrong with the country.
408
00:30:56,711 --> 00:30:59,988
Well, the show starts here,
and it goes like this:
409
00:31:00,071 --> 00:31:01,789
Good evening.
410
00:31:01,871 --> 00:31:03,987
Seems to be going all right so far.
411
00:31:05,191 --> 00:31:08,024
Good evening.
Good evening. Good evening...
412
00:31:08,111 --> 00:31:12,184
Good evening. Good evening. Good
evening. Good evening. Good evening.
413
00:31:12,751 --> 00:31:14,981
16 good-evenings,
where we used to do with one.
414
00:31:15,071 --> 00:31:17,711
That shows the level
to which the English good-evening,
415
00:31:17,791 --> 00:31:19,782
along with the pound, has fallen.
416
00:31:20,991 --> 00:31:23,790
Do you know,
it takes 17 English good-evenings
417
00:31:23,871 --> 00:31:25,862
for one American good-evening...
418
00:31:26,591 --> 00:31:28,867
...and 33 and a half English good-evenings
419
00:31:28,951 --> 00:31:30,862
for one West German guten-Abend.
420
00:31:32,151 --> 00:31:36,668
However, in Tunisia, you can still get
two good-evenings for one hello-sailor.
421
00:31:44,871 --> 00:31:48,705
Yes, our language has been inflated
beyond all recognition.
422
00:31:48,791 --> 00:31:50,543
"To be or not to be"
423
00:31:50,631 --> 00:31:53,350
has gone up to "three B or not three B".
424
00:31:53,431 --> 00:31:54,990
Almost double.
425
00:31:55,071 --> 00:31:58,462
In 1899, this was the value
of the English get-out.
426
00:31:58,551 --> 00:32:00,428
Get out!
427
00:32:03,191 --> 00:32:05,751
- Today...
- Get out!
428
00:32:10,431 --> 00:32:12,422
Cock-up number three.
429
00:32:24,231 --> 00:32:28,907
Today, Open University introduces
a new crash-course for late-comers.
430
00:32:28,991 --> 00:32:32,109
It will combine ad, economics,
English grammar,
431
00:32:32,191 --> 00:32:35,229
nutrition, history and music.
432
00:32:35,311 --> 00:32:37,985
We start at Sotheby's,
where the late Lord Woburn
433
00:32:38,071 --> 00:32:40,904
is auctioneering
some of his priceless collection of..
434
00:32:40,991 --> 00:32:44,222
"Magnificent Ming vase,
which must be worth...
435
00:32:46,791 --> 00:32:48,589
"nothing.
436
00:32:48,671 --> 00:32:51,265
100 guineas!
437
00:32:51,351 --> 00:32:54,230
- Too late, madam. It's already gone.
- Ohh...
438
00:32:54,311 --> 00:32:57,906
Lot number two.
A magnificent rasher of bacon.
439
00:32:57,991 --> 00:33:00,870
Do I hear 1,000 guineas?
440
00:33:00,951 --> 00:33:04,182
No, you bloody well don't!
441
00:33:13,231 --> 00:33:16,667
Shall we start, then, with £3.10?
442
00:33:18,111 --> 00:33:19,943
Zwei hundred guineas!
443
00:33:20,031 --> 00:33:22,750
Any advance on zwei hundred guineas?
444
00:33:22,831 --> 00:33:24,981
Ja. Drei hundred guineas!
445
00:33:25,071 --> 00:33:27,187
I am bidding against myself,
446
00:33:27,271 --> 00:33:29,342
because I want to suffer.
447
00:33:34,671 --> 00:33:38,062
- Sold to Adolf Hitler for...
- Argh!
448
00:33:38,151 --> 00:33:40,142
Pardon?
449
00:33:54,151 --> 00:33:59,430
Upon my soul! Ach, Himmel!
Mein Herr today, there and everywhere!
450
00:33:59,511 --> 00:34:01,627
This is ein kleiner Nacht-bacon.
451
00:34:01,711 --> 00:34:05,386
Genuine, but I fear it hath been streaked,
a-pitter-patter-plon.
452
00:34:05,471 --> 00:34:09,260
Streaky bacon?
Ve march on Denmark tonight!
453
00:34:09,351 --> 00:34:12,025
I vill not have streaky bacon.
454
00:34:12,111 --> 00:34:16,582
You go down, down, down there.
Down! Kill them all!
455
00:34:16,671 --> 00:34:21,984
Ah!
456
00:34:23,351 --> 00:34:27,026
If that's how you feel, I doth
most strongly commend a second opinion,
457
00:34:27,111 --> 00:34:29,261
from the Hunchback of Notre-Dame.
458
00:34:29,351 --> 00:34:32,548
Zat loony? He's only made three films.
459
00:34:36,631 --> 00:34:40,670
Just raise your left hand a little lower,
my dear.
460
00:34:46,431 --> 00:34:48,229
Now, zen...
461
00:34:56,191 --> 00:34:58,182
Now, zen, Quasimodo..
462
00:34:58,271 --> 00:35:01,548
Is zat ein real Sainsbury's bacon?
463
00:35:01,631 --> 00:35:03,588
Absolutely correct.
464
00:35:03,671 --> 00:35:07,187
That is a genuine Sainsbury bacon...
465
00:35:08,871 --> 00:35:10,623
80 wonderful points.
466
00:35:10,711 --> 00:35:15,831
So, ladies and gentlemen, a great
big hand for Mr Adolf Hitler of Berlin.
467
00:35:18,151 --> 00:35:19,903
Thank you, boys.
468
00:35:19,991 --> 00:35:23,029
And there goes the bell
for the next contestant.
469
00:35:23,111 --> 00:35:26,308
- Sing!
♪ Deutschland... ♪
470
00:35:26,391 --> 00:35:31,420
By golly! Look.
It is Gerald du Mauriefs son, Svengali.
471
00:35:31,511 --> 00:35:33,263
Ein Russian Hypnotischer.
472
00:35:33,351 --> 00:35:36,150
Into his mince eyes I must not look.
473
00:35:38,551 --> 00:35:41,384
There's been some mistake, Mr Svengali.
474
00:35:41,471 --> 00:35:43,462
I can't sing.
475
00:35:43,551 --> 00:35:45,224
Oh?
476
00:35:45,311 --> 00:35:47,382
Well, where is my beloved trilby?
477
00:35:47,471 --> 00:35:50,270
On the beloved 'atstand.
478
00:35:51,871 --> 00:35:56,707
Listen, my dear. What is a fine girl like you,
with zwei grosse boobs and good Aryan,
479
00:35:56,791 --> 00:35:59,465
doing with this pop-eyed Russian creep?
480
00:35:59,551 --> 00:36:02,020
Well, 'e thinks I got a nice voice.
481
00:36:02,111 --> 00:36:04,102
He's blind!
482
00:36:06,591 --> 00:36:09,310
Ve march on his things tonight.
483
00:36:09,391 --> 00:36:12,702
Ladies and gentlemen,
we march on his things tonight.
484
00:36:12,791 --> 00:36:16,147
There's no colour bar in an Adolf Hitler war.
485
00:36:16,231 --> 00:36:17,904
Get in one today.
486
00:36:17,991 --> 00:36:20,949
It is time for your fit, fuhrer.
487
00:36:21,711 --> 00:36:24,430
It's Bill Haley and the Comets.
488
00:36:25,111 --> 00:36:29,628
The forest is on fire! The forest is on fire!
The forest is on fire!
489
00:36:29,711 --> 00:36:34,467
The forest is on fire!
The forest is on fire! The forest is on fire!
490
00:36:36,191 --> 00:36:38,626
Listen. It is the sound of horses' heaves.
491
00:36:38,711 --> 00:36:40,782
It might be eine beautiful girl.
492
00:36:45,191 --> 00:36:48,900
The sound of a carriage and pair was
heard. It pulled up outside a comedy sketch.
493
00:36:48,991 --> 00:36:51,267
In burst Sherlock Holmes and Mrs Watson.
494
00:36:59,511 --> 00:37:02,469
My word!
495
00:37:03,351 --> 00:37:05,342
Water the horses.
496
00:37:06,151 --> 00:37:09,860
With a tigerish bound, I crossed the room
and, with one paralysing right cross,
497
00:37:09,951 --> 00:37:12,545
I felled the German Flasher,
Hitler of Munich. Thud!
498
00:37:13,511 --> 00:37:15,184
Likewise, Svengali. Kapow!
499
00:37:16,111 --> 00:37:19,342
I was set upon by another ten Svengalis
and 16 flashing Hitlers.
500
00:37:19,431 --> 00:37:20,865
I felled them all. Splam!
501
00:37:21,671 --> 00:37:23,947
Still they came.
A hundred Tatars on horseback.
502
00:37:24,031 --> 00:37:25,749
I beat them off with my bank statement.
503
00:37:25,831 --> 00:37:28,630
Suddenly I heard the sound of Liszt
trapped inside a piano.
504
00:37:30,671 --> 00:37:35,142
It's Scott Joplin. You're just in time
for one chorus of Chopin's Minute Waltz.
505
00:37:37,271 --> 00:37:43,381
Next week's late study group
will be on Saturday at 3:34am.
506
00:37:43,471 --> 00:37:46,509
And now you can see what's wrong
with the bloody country.
507
00:37:47,111 --> 00:37:49,227
I love that!
508
00:37:55,511 --> 00:37:59,266
And now... Quasimodo: is he bent?
509
00:38:52,271 --> 00:38:56,230
I am Valentine Dyall,
your friendly district actor.
510
00:38:56,311 --> 00:39:01,704
I've been operating Quasimodo's hump
for the last 87 years.
511
00:39:01,791 --> 00:39:04,431
It's been a good life, and the pay is good.
512
00:39:06,031 --> 00:39:09,820
♪ We bring you melodies from out of the sky
513
00:39:09,911 --> 00:39:12,221
♪ My brother and I ♪
514
00:39:12,311 --> 00:39:15,429
Hello. I'm Bob and Alf Pearson,
the white Three Degrees.
515
00:39:16,471 --> 00:39:19,270
We've had a lot of...
Shut up. A lot of fun.
516
00:39:19,351 --> 00:39:21,501
A gottle of geer.
Shut up. We've had a lot of fun,
517
00:39:21,591 --> 00:39:23,309
singing through Quasimodds knees,
518
00:39:23,391 --> 00:39:25,985
but then, of course,
we're used to playing low joints.
519
00:39:26,071 --> 00:39:27,186
Shut up!
520
00:39:30,471 --> 00:39:33,589
Hey, take no notice of all this crapology.
521
00:39:33,671 --> 00:39:35,901
Hey, I've been trying to escape...
522
00:39:36,631 --> 00:39:39,305
Hey, is this another jailbird?
523
00:39:39,391 --> 00:39:41,780
Hey, hey, will you listen to me?
Wait a minute.
524
00:39:41,871 --> 00:39:44,465
I've been trying to escape
from Quasimodo's feet
525
00:39:44,551 --> 00:39:46,462
for nearly 200 years now.
526
00:39:46,551 --> 00:39:49,270
I'll tell you...
Hey, I'll tell you...
527
00:39:50,111 --> 00:39:51,909
Wait a minute. Now, listen to me.
Listen.
528
00:39:51,991 --> 00:39:54,028
I'll tell you: it's hell down there.
529
00:39:54,111 --> 00:39:57,502
Hey,
listen. I'm getting athlete's foot all over.
530
00:39:57,591 --> 00:39:59,343
It's time to go, son.
531
00:39:59,431 --> 00:40:01,229
- Not again!
- Bye-bye, blackbird.
532
00:40:10,271 --> 00:40:12,990
Hello, sailor!
533
00:40:13,071 --> 00:40:16,905
Serve aboard the Quasimodo bum-boat.
Arrr!
534
00:40:16,991 --> 00:40:20,666
It's a man's life,
defending the southern approaches.
535
00:40:20,751 --> 00:40:23,789
Now, remember:
there's a Government health warning
536
00:40:23,871 --> 00:40:27,660
on the tail of every sailor's shin. Arrr!
537
00:40:39,671 --> 00:40:41,787
It's exactly nine Quasimodos,
538
00:40:41,871 --> 00:40:45,421
so over to the news room
for the vegetables.
539
00:40:45,511 --> 00:40:50,585
Uganda. Carrots have been reported
growing along the tense Tanzanian border.
540
00:40:50,671 --> 00:40:53,060
From Kampala, Christopher Hassle reports.
541
00:40:53,151 --> 00:40:55,188
The carrots are new to Uganda.
542
00:40:55,271 --> 00:40:58,901
Therefore, the nice President Amin
is being viewed with suspicion.
543
00:40:58,991 --> 00:41:01,267
A spokesman for the
gandan government said,
544
00:41:01,351 --> 00:41:03,228
"This is a tissue of lies.
545
00:41:03,311 --> 00:41:05,427
There are no truth in the matter.
546
00:41:05,511 --> 00:41:08,708
These are Chinese carrots
on a peace-growing mission."
547
00:41:08,791 --> 00:41:11,704
Christopher Hassle, BBC News, Belfast.
548
00:41:11,791 --> 00:41:13,668
Reports from farmers say
549
00:41:13,751 --> 00:41:16,504
onions have started appearing
in people's gardens,
550
00:41:16,591 --> 00:41:18,946
apparently attracted by the good weather.
551
00:41:19,031 --> 00:41:22,422
Mr Callaghan is standing by, ready to fly out.
552
00:41:22,511 --> 00:41:25,310
Mr Wilson has urged people
to eat as many as possible,
553
00:41:25,391 --> 00:41:27,064
to keep numbers down.
554
00:41:27,151 --> 00:41:28,824
In an interview, Enoch Powell said
555
00:41:28,911 --> 00:41:31,471
they should never have been allowed
into the country.
556
00:41:31,551 --> 00:41:35,988
In London, Mr Callaghan is standing by,
ready to fly out.
557
00:41:36,071 --> 00:41:39,507
And now over to Bed Ford
for tonight's Body Report
558
00:41:39,591 --> 00:41:42,310
Well, it's been another one of those days.
559
00:41:42,391 --> 00:41:46,385
Down here in the southern areas,
it's been very hot and steamy.
560
00:41:47,831 --> 00:41:51,870
But in the... in the Home Counties...
561
00:41:53,471 --> 00:41:56,224
"temperatures have been normal
for this time of the year,
562
00:41:56,311 --> 00:41:58,507
falling off later tonight.
563
00:42:00,231 --> 00:42:01,824
Further up here in the Midlands,
564
00:42:01,911 --> 00:42:05,541
there's been a lot of turbulence
and gale-force winds.
565
00:42:05,631 --> 00:42:08,384
But they should be moving south
during the night...
566
00:42:09,911 --> 00:42:12,983
...and blowing themselves out
towards tomorrow morning.
567
00:42:14,191 --> 00:42:16,580
Now, this front
looks more interesting up here.
568
00:42:17,951 --> 00:42:19,749
There could be snow on high ground.
569
00:42:19,831 --> 00:42:24,029
Therefore, there could be a lot of fun
on these slopes early tomorrow morning.
570
00:42:24,111 --> 00:42:26,910
This area here's
very overcast at the moment,
571
00:42:26,991 --> 00:42:29,551
but it should move down here
by later tonight...
572
00:42:30,871 --> 00:42:35,263
...and off altogether, leaving a nice,
clear front for the rest of the night.
573
00:42:35,351 --> 00:42:38,662
And now over to Stan Tracey,
where he's playing Panama Red.
574
00:42:38,751 --> 00:42:40,628
I must get there quickly.
575
00:42:40,711 --> 00:42:42,702
♪ Jazz
576
00:45:41,791 --> 00:45:44,305
Ah-so. Chop-chop.
577
00:45:44,391 --> 00:45:46,985
You all thought I was gonna be Chinese,
didn't you?
578
00:45:49,551 --> 00:45:50,825
Ah.
579
00:45:52,391 --> 00:45:56,305
Hands up, you Pommy swine.
I want to buy a gun.
580
00:45:57,591 --> 00:46:00,629
- What kind of gun, sir?
- One that goes bang.
581
00:46:02,511 --> 00:46:04,388
I can see through this man.
582
00:46:04,471 --> 00:46:06,030
I'm going to foil him.
583
00:46:07,191 --> 00:46:08,386
Here, sir.
584
00:46:08,471 --> 00:46:11,543
Have you ever had the feeling
this has all happened before?
585
00:46:14,711 --> 00:46:15,985
OK.
586
00:46:16,071 --> 00:46:20,030
All right, blue eyes, this is a stick-up,
you Pommy swine.
587
00:46:20,111 --> 00:46:22,864
Er, excuse me, sir,
there must be some mistake,
588
00:46:22,951 --> 00:46:25,147
because my eyes are actually brown.
589
00:46:25,231 --> 00:46:27,427
Er, let me correct this, er, for you.
590
00:46:27,511 --> 00:46:30,708
Well, hurry up, I'm on a double yellow.
It costs £6 now.
591
00:46:31,631 --> 00:46:37,343
"Hands up or I'll pump you full of lead,
you dirty rat, you."
592
00:46:37,431 --> 00:46:40,071
Ah, well, in that case, you'll need these.
593
00:46:42,791 --> 00:46:44,225
Hands up.
594
00:46:44,311 --> 00:46:48,145
Don't try anything funny.
I get the laughs in this show.
595
00:46:50,031 --> 00:46:53,183
You'll find those quite lethal
if you put them in a gun.
596
00:46:53,271 --> 00:46:54,545
And so shall I.
597
00:46:54,631 --> 00:46:56,668
Funny. While I'm talking to you,
598
00:46:56,751 --> 00:47:00,107
I get the sensation
that this sketch is really going my way.
599
00:47:00,191 --> 00:47:03,900
Rubbish! I've got some boffo jokes here.
Listen to this.
600
00:47:03,991 --> 00:47:07,621
I say, I say. Why are two Union Jacks
like Margaret Thatcher's knickers?
601
00:47:07,711 --> 00:47:09,588
I don't know, you Pommy swine,
602
00:47:09,671 --> 00:47:12,470
why are two Union Jacks
like Margaret Thatcher's knickers?
603
00:47:12,551 --> 00:47:15,191
Because no power on Earth
can pull 'em down.
604
00:47:18,311 --> 00:47:20,985
Will you hurry up? I want to buy a razor.
605
00:47:21,071 --> 00:47:23,142
- Your bill, sir. £96.
- This is robbery.
606
00:47:23,231 --> 00:47:30,024
I can't afford this. Put it on my account.
Credit number 3-4-2-9-C...
607
00:47:30,111 --> 00:47:34,344
No, no, it's 3-5-3...
No, no. It's a lie. I tell a lie.
608
00:47:34,431 --> 00:47:37,105
It's 3-5-T-2-1-8. No, it's a lie too.
609
00:47:37,191 --> 00:47:40,070
-
t's 5-9-T...
- Would you find it any easier... Excuse me.
610
00:47:40,151 --> 00:47:42,620
- Would you find it any easier to pay cash?
- All right!
611
00:47:42,711 --> 00:47:46,670
All right, if that's the way you feel.
Hand me the contents of the Jewish piano.
612
00:47:46,751 --> 00:47:48,708
Ah, the Jewish piano, yes.
613
00:47:48,791 --> 00:47:50,623
Here we are, sir.
614
00:47:50,711 --> 00:47:52,145
One pound.
615
00:47:54,111 --> 00:47:55,340
A quid?
616
00:47:55,431 --> 00:47:58,150
Now you can tell
what's wrong with the country.
617
00:47:58,231 --> 00:48:02,350
In London, Mr Callaghan is standing by,
ready to fly out.
618
00:48:10,071 --> 00:48:16,750
♪ Lovely lady, I'm falling madly
619
00:48:16,831 --> 00:48:22,827
♪ In love with you
620
00:48:25,071 --> 00:48:28,143
♪ It's a feeling
621
00:48:28,231 --> 00:48:31,223
♪ Beyond concealing
622
00:48:31,311 --> 00:48:36,340
♪ What can I do?
623
00:48:39,071 --> 00:48:43,907
♪ Take my heart
624
00:48:44,711 --> 00:48:47,988
♪ It's yours alone
625
00:48:48,631 --> 00:48:54,468
♪ Keep it for ever
626
00:48:54,551 --> 00:48:57,942
♪ Lovely lady
627
00:48:58,031 --> 00:49:01,626
♪ I'm falling madly
628
00:49:01,711 --> 00:49:09,584
♪ In love with you ♪
629
00:49:10,511 --> 00:49:13,310
Thank you, boys.
630
00:49:16,711 --> 00:49:21,023
“And the earth shall take him,
but only before or since...
631
00:49:21,111 --> 00:49:24,900
Whereas he goeth before,
he goeth not early..."
632
00:49:24,991 --> 00:49:26,982
"...later in the day,
633
00:49:27,071 --> 00:49:28,425
but at a distance,
634
00:49:28,511 --> 00:49:30,980
and when it mouldeth him,
like the cricket bat..."
635
00:49:31,071 --> 00:49:33,301
"...that drifteth on the screen,
636
00:49:33,391 --> 00:49:37,066
what they picketh up and putteth down...
637
00:49:37,151 --> 00:49:40,906
surely, the wind goeth up the chimney."
638
00:49:40,991 --> 00:49:46,145
Molly? Molly? Molly!
639
00:49:46,231 --> 00:49:48,302
I think it's for you, Mrs Bognor.
640
00:49:49,471 --> 00:49:53,863
- Is that you knocking, Len?
- I definitely feel much better, Molly.
641
00:49:53,951 --> 00:49:56,181
Lie still for a minute. It might wear off.
642
00:49:56,271 --> 00:50:00,390
No, darling....
I don't think I'm dead any more.
643
00:50:00,471 --> 00:50:02,701
Get the screws out, John.
644
00:50:04,151 --> 00:50:06,142
Sorry about this, folks.
645
00:50:06,951 --> 00:50:10,501
- Who's that?
- It's me, John. Your son.
646
00:50:10,591 --> 00:50:13,344
Oh. What's the weather like?
647
00:50:13,431 --> 00:50:14,785
Lovely.
648
00:50:14,871 --> 00:50:17,260
You'll be cutting the grass this afternoon.
649
00:50:17,351 --> 00:50:18,944
Better than pushing it up.
650
00:50:19,031 --> 00:50:21,102
This is the Nine o'clock News.
651
00:50:21,191 --> 00:50:22,909
Stop this funeral at once.
652
00:50:22,991 --> 00:50:24,789
I am Inspector Dustbin from the Yard.
653
00:50:24,871 --> 00:50:26,828
I arrest you all for the ritual burial alive
654
00:50:26,911 --> 00:50:28,868
of Peter Woods
and the Nine o'clock News.
655
00:50:29,591 --> 00:50:33,221
- All right, Peter?
- Yes, thank you, but it was a near thing.
656
00:50:33,311 --> 00:50:37,020
At Downing Street today,
a miner's leader held talks with Mr Wilson.
657
00:50:37,111 --> 00:50:40,502
Mr Callaghan is standing by, ready to fly out.
658
00:50:40,591 --> 00:50:43,663
Aye, they do a lot of it...
659
00:50:43,751 --> 00:50:45,264
Fine day for this.
660
00:50:51,391 --> 00:50:52,506
What?
661
00:50:52,591 --> 00:50:57,586
♪ We'll do the hailing
When other ships are round us sailing
662
00:50:57,671 --> 00:51:00,265
♪ We're riding along on the crest of a wave
663
00:51:00,351 --> 00:51:06,267
♪ And the world is ours ♪
664
00:51:12,631 --> 00:51:14,269
All right. That's enough.
665
00:51:14,351 --> 00:51:16,627
Now, from now on,
this is no professional show.
666
00:51:16,711 --> 00:51:19,510
It's a sort of party
where everybody's got to get in together
667
00:51:19,591 --> 00:51:20,911
and enjoy themselves.
668
00:51:20,991 --> 00:51:23,710
And we're especially glad
there's so many sergeants here.
669
00:51:23,791 --> 00:51:26,021
One thing we love to see is sergeants.
670
00:51:26,111 --> 00:51:28,546
It's the only time they sit down,
shut up and listen.
671
00:51:30,511 --> 00:51:32,821
These happy sounds of idiot laughter,
672
00:51:32,911 --> 00:51:34,663
hammering and banging...
673
00:51:34,751 --> 00:51:37,664
...are in fact the happy sounds
674
00:51:37,751 --> 00:51:42,109
of idiot laughter, hammering and banging.
675
00:51:42,191 --> 00:51:46,310
They belong
to England's only idiot Scout troop.
676
00:51:47,591 --> 00:51:49,901
They all joined when they were seven
677
00:51:49,991 --> 00:51:53,268
and have failed every knot-tying test,
678
00:51:53,351 --> 00:51:56,742
woodcraft and fire-lighting test.
679
00:51:56,831 --> 00:52:00,711
But such was their enthusiasm,
680
00:52:00,791 --> 00:52:03,180
that Lord Baden-Powell
681
00:52:03,271 --> 00:52:06,150
did not have the heart to tell them.
682
00:52:07,071 --> 00:52:09,824
Strangely enough, this year,
they have shown
683
00:52:09,911 --> 00:52:12,983
remarkable powers of recovery.
684
00:52:13,791 --> 00:52:16,385
They can now dress themselves.
685
00:52:17,831 --> 00:52:21,745
Let us go inside
and speak with their Senior Sixer.
686
00:52:21,831 --> 00:52:23,742
♪ On The Crest Of A Wave
687
00:52:23,831 --> 00:52:27,187
♪ AII our eyes on the distant horizon
688
00:52:27,271 --> 00:52:30,263
♪ Look out for passers-by... ♪
689
00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:47,181
...I am Lord Baden-Powell.
690
00:52:48,711 --> 00:52:52,102
What a wonderful memory for names, folks.
691
00:52:52,191 --> 00:52:54,705
All right. Now, tell me this, sir.
692
00:52:54,791 --> 00:52:57,305
Who are these gentlemen
hanging from the beams?
693
00:52:57,391 --> 00:53:00,190
They're learning to untie knots.
694
00:53:01,311 --> 00:53:05,270
And they're getting knotted.
Isn't that wonderful? It really is. All right.
695
00:53:06,191 --> 00:53:08,148
And what's this over here?
696
00:53:08,231 --> 00:53:10,700
- Ow!
- These Scouts...
697
00:53:11,631 --> 00:53:13,224
Ow!
698
00:53:15,031 --> 00:53:17,227
- Ow!
- These Scouts
699
00:53:17,311 --> 00:53:19,143
have solved the problem...
700
00:53:19,231 --> 00:53:21,541
- Ow!
- ..of putting jigsaw pieces together
701
00:53:21,631 --> 00:53:23,190
that don't fit.
702
00:53:23,271 --> 00:53:25,262
Ow!
703
00:53:27,231 --> 00:53:30,701
Linda Lovelace has asked to see me.
704
00:53:31,631 --> 00:53:33,622
Now, what's this over here?
705
00:53:33,711 --> 00:53:37,227
- Er... well, Your Majesty...
- What's this here?
706
00:53:37,311 --> 00:53:40,508
I'll...I'll get this. I'll get this. Erm...
707
00:53:41,671 --> 00:53:45,221
That is one of the cups
708
00:53:45,311 --> 00:53:47,507
that we drink out of.
709
00:53:49,991 --> 00:53:52,824
Now, tell me this, sir:
why is he smashing them?
710
00:53:52,911 --> 00:53:55,983
Because he don't know how to wash up.
711
00:53:57,391 --> 00:54:00,190
Really wonderful. It really is.
Now, tell me this, sir.
712
00:54:00,271 --> 00:54:02,467
Why is this gentleman over here...
713
00:54:02,551 --> 00:54:04,428
Why is he mending them?
714
00:54:04,511 --> 00:54:07,105
We can't afford new ones.
715
00:54:09,071 --> 00:54:11,950
This is the sex class.
716
00:54:12,631 --> 00:54:15,430
All the men in here
717
00:54:15,511 --> 00:54:18,947
are over the age of 70,
718
00:54:19,031 --> 00:54:23,707
and the day can't be far off when they...
719
00:54:27,231 --> 00:54:29,905
...go blind.
720
00:54:29,991 --> 00:54:31,982
Turn the lights out.
721
00:54:32,991 --> 00:54:38,020
Now, this is a woman.
722
00:54:38,111 --> 00:54:40,580
Isn't that wonderful? It's a woman.
723
00:54:40,671 --> 00:54:42,662
Lesson one.
724
00:54:50,951 --> 00:54:54,342
Now, then...
725
00:54:54,431 --> 00:54:56,866
That's really wonderful. It really is.
726
00:54:56,951 --> 00:55:02,025
Yeah. This is the advanced Mensa class,
Your Majesty.
727
00:55:02,111 --> 00:55:04,500
And now... a brain test.
728
00:55:05,311 --> 00:55:08,110
Gilly-gilly-gilly...
729
00:55:08,871 --> 00:55:11,863
Which one of those coconuts
730
00:55:11,951 --> 00:55:14,181
is the piano under?
731
00:55:20,391 --> 00:55:21,745
That one?
732
00:55:21,831 --> 00:55:25,062
No. It's under this one.
733
00:55:26,391 --> 00:55:28,621
Ha... ha... ha.
734
00:55:29,351 --> 00:55:32,742
Now, then, we have great difficulty
735
00:55:32,831 --> 00:55:35,949
in remembering tunes in this class,
736
00:55:36,031 --> 00:55:40,389
but we have mastered the note of G,
737
00:55:40,471 --> 00:55:42,587
and, using that, Your Majesty,
738
00:55:42,671 --> 00:55:47,381
we are going to sing Ralph Reader's
Riding Along On The Christopher.
739
00:55:50,431 --> 00:55:52,741
Ah!
740
00:55:57,191 --> 00:56:00,980
♪ Riding along on the crest of a wave
741
00:56:01,071 --> 00:56:04,462
♪ And the sun is in the sky
742
00:56:05,631 --> 00:56:09,226
♪ AII our eyes on the distant horizon
743
00:56:09,311 --> 00:56:12,588
♪ Look out for passers-by ♪
744
00:56:12,671 --> 00:56:17,507
So, with this sort of youthful enthusiasm
and ingenuity,
745
00:56:17,591 --> 00:56:20,151
Baden-Powell can rest in his grave.
746
00:56:24,871 --> 00:56:27,784
- What's this?
- Those are the Sea Scouts.
747
00:56:30,231 --> 00:56:33,906
A man has managed to escape
748
00:56:33,991 --> 00:56:35,948
from Butlin's holiday camp.
749
00:56:37,951 --> 00:56:41,421
The police say
he managed to get past the Redcoats
750
00:56:41,511 --> 00:56:43,388
and got as far as Poof ins...
751
00:56:44,751 --> 00:56:47,903
...where he's being held for £15 a week.
752
00:56:48,791 --> 00:56:52,421
Butlin's are holding the man's wife
and four children hostages.
753
00:56:52,511 --> 00:56:55,902
Mr Callaghan is standing by, ready to fly out.
754
00:56:55,991 --> 00:56:58,870
Now you can see
what's wrong with the bloody country.
755
00:57:42,351 --> 00:57:47,141
♪ God save our gracious Queen
756
00:57:47,231 --> 00:57:51,350
♪ Long live our noble Queen
757
00:57:51,431 --> 00:57:54,867
♪ God save our Queen
758
00:57:54,951 --> 00:57:59,104
♪ Send her victor... ious
759
00:57:59,191 --> 00:58:03,105
♪ Happy and glorious
760
00:58:03,191 --> 00:58:07,264
♪ Long to reign over us
761
00:58:07,351 --> 00:58:10,946
♪ God save the Queen ♪
762
00:58:36,625 --> 00:58:38,059
Good evening.
763
00:58:38,145 --> 00:58:41,103
Now there's someone else
to say good evening.
764
00:58:45,745 --> 00:58:48,305
I'm sorry about that.
What I should've said was
765
00:58:48,385 --> 00:58:52,015
here is somebody who is
going to try and say "good evening".
766
00:58:52,105 --> 00:58:55,416
However, he'll be appearing later on
in the programme with a second try
767
00:58:55,505 --> 00:58:58,736
at saying "good evening".
By the way, I've suddenly realised,
768
00:58:58,825 --> 00:59:02,944
if you've just switched on, what I'm
saying must make absolute rubbish to you.
769
00:59:03,025 --> 00:59:06,222
- So what I'll do is I'll recap.
- Well, I hope she's satisfied.
770
00:59:06,305 --> 00:59:09,980
Satisfied, right.
That's the second time tonight. Anyhow...
771
00:59:10,065 --> 00:59:12,944
All right, what happened was this,
you see.
772
00:59:13,025 --> 00:59:16,655
I said, "Here is a man who's going to say
"good evening," but he said...
773
00:59:16,745 --> 00:59:20,136
Hello, Lord Louis Mountbatten. Ha-ha-ha!
774
00:59:21,385 --> 00:59:24,935
That's puzzled me, because the first time
I announced him, he said...
775
00:59:26,865 --> 00:59:29,823
And the second time I said he was
gonna say, "Good evening," he said,
776
00:59:29,905 --> 00:59:32,863
"Hello, Lord Louis Mountbatten.
Ha-ha-ha!" Why? Why!
777
00:59:32,945 --> 00:59:38,179
What is wrong with a man saying hello
to Lord Louis Mountbatten?
778
00:59:38,265 --> 00:59:41,257
That man was serving with me in the Navy.
779
00:59:42,465 --> 00:59:44,695
Hello, sailor.
780
00:59:46,425 --> 00:59:48,575
How did he do that?
781
00:59:48,665 --> 00:59:52,101
By the way, have you ever done this
without an aphrodisiac?
782
00:59:54,145 --> 00:59:59,584
♪ Maria, I've just met a man called Maria
783
00:59:59,665 --> 01:00:01,736
IAnd suddenly that name
784
01:00:01,825 --> 01:00:04,385
♪ Will never be the same... ♪
785
01:00:04,465 --> 01:00:06,456
Oww!
786
01:00:08,985 --> 01:00:14,344
I couldn't resist that.
Beautifully marked, and downwind, too.
787
01:00:14,425 --> 01:00:17,656
But on the whole,
I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
788
01:00:17,745 --> 01:00:20,498
With the petrol price today,
it's the only way to travel.
789
01:01:15,105 --> 01:01:20,054
Last week, we visited the Septik River tribes
in New Guinea,
790
01:01:20,145 --> 01:01:25,823
and in Melanesia the Aku-Aku islanders
and their mysterious belief
791
01:01:25,905 --> 01:01:30,502
in Thor Heyerdahl,
the god of sinking rafts.
792
01:01:31,065 --> 01:01:34,854
This week we visited a lost white tribe
793
01:01:34,945 --> 01:01:39,143
on whom no human eye has ever set foot.
794
01:01:39,865 --> 01:01:42,744
Mysterious, strange, and remote.
795
01:01:43,265 --> 01:01:47,498
They, for instance, believe
that if you post a message
796
01:01:47,585 --> 01:01:50,418
in the mouth of this iron god,
797
01:01:50,505 --> 01:01:55,818
a horned uniformed devil will come,
rip open the stomach,
798
01:01:55,905 --> 01:01:58,499
take out the message, and lose it forever.
799
01:01:59,465 --> 01:02:02,696
Therefore, there is no written language.
800
01:02:03,225 --> 01:02:08,982
However, they communicate
with this strange wooden box,
801
01:02:09,825 --> 01:02:12,943
on which they pound out incessant rhythms.
802
01:02:16,105 --> 01:02:18,460
Bloody thing... won't work.
803
01:02:18,545 --> 01:02:21,298
Bloody thing... And so on and so on.
804
01:02:23,225 --> 01:02:26,297
Good evening. Here is
the Nine O'clock News. In London...
805
01:02:26,385 --> 01:02:29,901
They speak a strange patois.
806
01:02:29,985 --> 01:02:35,901
They, for instance, call these
the apples and the pears.
807
01:02:35,985 --> 01:02:40,024
The apples and the pears. And they believe
if you ascend these apples and pears,
808
01:02:40,105 --> 01:02:45,020
you come to a room
where a white goddess awaits you.
809
01:02:51,665 --> 01:02:54,657
He strips away his drab exterior plumage
810
01:02:54,745 --> 01:02:57,703
to reveal
a surprisingly delicate underlayer.
811
01:03:09,385 --> 01:03:16,303
To arouse the female further, he dons
what are called "winceyette pyjamas".
812
01:03:24,385 --> 01:03:28,379
Now, by drawing his fingernails
across his body,
813
01:03:28,465 --> 01:03:31,901
he induces a pre-sexual trance.
814
01:03:31,985 --> 01:03:37,503
And the ceremonial vessel,
called the gazunder,
815
01:03:37,585 --> 01:03:41,215
is taken out and purified for the night.
816
01:03:42,425 --> 01:03:45,816
These are powerful tribal totems.
817
01:03:45,905 --> 01:03:49,261
These sects gather here in large numbers,
818
01:03:49,345 --> 01:03:52,576
especially in the mornings
and the evenings.
819
01:03:53,265 --> 01:03:56,860
At these hours
the tribes become visibly agitated,
820
01:03:56,945 --> 01:04:01,735
rushing in all directions
with seemingly no purpose in life.
821
01:04:02,345 --> 01:04:05,576
They are trying to catch one of these.
822
01:04:05,665 --> 01:04:11,058
Huge red landlocked monsters
which roam the concrete jungle.
823
01:04:11,985 --> 01:04:14,625
They only appear very rarely,
824
01:04:15,665 --> 01:04:21,695
and when they do, for protection,
they appear in lines of up to 20.
825
01:04:22,865 --> 01:04:26,620
Members of the tribe vie with each other
to try and catch one.
826
01:04:26,705 --> 01:04:33,020
The monsters are tended by a black tribe
from another land called Pa-ki-stanis.
827
01:04:33,105 --> 01:04:39,579
They chant to the crowd, "No standing
on top. Pass along the bus, please.
828
01:04:39,665 --> 01:04:41,736
And there's another one behind."
829
01:04:41,825 --> 01:04:45,739
We leave the forest and travel overland...
830
01:04:48,185 --> 01:04:50,745
and we came to a great septic river.
831
01:04:50,825 --> 01:04:54,944
We cross into
a great coin-operated valley
832
01:04:55,025 --> 01:04:57,585
where the natives seek their food.
833
01:05:02,465 --> 01:05:08,222
Can you ask the hunter what he is do-ing?
834
01:05:08,305 --> 01:05:10,137
Certainly. I'll try.
835
01:05:10,225 --> 01:05:14,059
'Ere, Eric,
this is gonna kill you.
836
01:05:14,145 --> 01:05:15,897
Go on, tell us, I can't wait.
837
01:05:15,985 --> 01:05:19,615
This geezer 'ere
wants to know what you're doing.
838
01:05:19,705 --> 01:05:22,618
Well, I'm fr yin' bleedin' fish, ain't I?
839
01:05:22,705 --> 01:05:25,777
He says he's frying bleedin' fish.
840
01:05:25,865 --> 01:05:27,822
Frying bleeding fish.
841
01:05:27,905 --> 01:05:30,181
And you can tell him
it's a right bloody job an' all,
842
01:05:30,265 --> 01:05:34,577
because soppy ha'pence come in here,
asking for a piece of rock,
843
01:05:34,665 --> 01:05:38,624
two of skate and six penny of chips
and give you a 20 quid note to pay for it!
844
01:05:38,705 --> 01:05:40,696
It makes me bloody spit!
845
01:05:44,505 --> 01:05:46,735
He says the gods are angry.
846
01:05:48,145 --> 01:05:50,136
The, argh, hunter...
847
01:05:50,905 --> 01:05:56,105
The hunter has caught a tortoise
in the boiling rock pool,
848
01:05:56,185 --> 01:05:59,496
and has placed it on a piece of matting
that the natives believe
849
01:05:59,585 --> 01:06:00,984
comes from the sun.
850
01:06:02,545 --> 01:06:03,694
Argh!
851
01:06:03,785 --> 01:06:07,460
This is the day of the sun,
852
01:06:07,545 --> 01:06:12,858
when the males of the tribe
pay homage to the family god,
853
01:06:13,825 --> 01:06:17,864
which is revered and worshipped
above all else.
854
01:06:19,945 --> 01:06:21,379
Hello!
855
01:06:21,465 --> 01:06:24,856
- Hello.
- Mo-tor car.
856
01:06:24,945 --> 01:06:29,701
Motorcar, yes.
A 3.4 litre Jag, twin overhead camshaft...
857
01:06:29,785 --> 01:06:33,938
This is a member of the AA tribe,
858
01:06:34,025 --> 01:06:41,978
who are looked down on by the great
RAC tribe, who live in another world.
859
01:06:45,065 --> 01:06:47,022
- It's a snip at 380 quid.
- What?
860
01:06:47,105 --> 01:06:50,302
These are the famous disappearing holes.
861
01:06:51,225 --> 01:06:54,377
People go down here
and are never seen again.
862
01:06:55,105 --> 01:06:58,416
With the aid of a tribal elder,
we decided to investigate.
863
01:06:58,505 --> 01:07:01,019
Pardon me, tribal elder,
to get the thing done here,
864
01:07:01,105 --> 01:07:03,096
you are now famous and on television.
865
01:07:03,185 --> 01:07:08,100
Oh, yeah, course I well remember,
when I was just a little nipper,
866
01:07:08,185 --> 01:07:13,863
they told us a story about another tribe
called the Micks. The Micks.
867
01:07:13,945 --> 01:07:17,461
Now then,
they came from far across the sea,
868
01:07:17,545 --> 01:07:20,537
and they brought all this here clobber
with 'em.
869
01:07:22,585 --> 01:07:26,215
How did this clobber come about?
870
01:07:26,305 --> 01:07:32,142
And why does it strike terror
into the hearts of all men who see it?
871
01:07:38,105 --> 01:07:46,105
Now this delicately woven piece of paper
is etched "Ladbrokes, Mill Reef,
872
01:07:46,825 --> 01:07:50,136
two-dash-stroke each way."
873
01:07:51,905 --> 01:07:53,976
What is that mysterious reef?
874
01:07:54,065 --> 01:07:58,423
Is it the one
that Thor Heyerdahl foundered upon when,
875
01:07:58,505 --> 01:08:01,816
with a raft made of Guinness bottles
and potatoes,
876
01:08:01,905 --> 01:08:05,944
he set out to prove
that St Patrick discovered Golders Green?
877
01:08:06,025 --> 01:08:09,302
These and other things
are still unanswered.
878
01:08:12,465 --> 01:08:15,537
This is the commuter tribe.
879
01:08:15,985 --> 01:08:18,977
So much do they fear the light of day
880
01:08:19,065 --> 01:08:23,741
that they seek refuge
in these ancient, dark tunnels.
881
01:08:23,825 --> 01:08:29,423
And they rush forward blindly,
seeking safety in great iron boxes
882
01:08:29,505 --> 01:08:32,782
into which they are crushed and sealed,
883
01:08:32,865 --> 01:08:37,894
and then driven off to distant places,
like Chipping Sodbury,
884
01:08:38,705 --> 01:08:42,175
Lewisham, Mill Hill, Barnet East, Catford.
885
01:08:42,265 --> 01:08:47,465
The Cock-a-nees build
these delicate wayside shrines,
886
01:08:47,545 --> 01:08:53,257
and such is their reverence for them that
they keep the insides spotlessly clean.
887
01:09:01,345 --> 01:09:07,535
Particularly moving is the sacrifice by
the Cock-a-nees of the iron bedstead,
888
01:09:07,625 --> 01:09:13,780
the pram and the bicycle frame to the
ever hungry gods of the village pond.
889
01:09:15,705 --> 01:09:19,585
This is a temple that no woman can enter.
890
01:09:22,865 --> 01:09:26,460
This is Bed Terrible,
891
01:09:26,545 --> 01:09:28,741
a handmaiden of the temple.
892
01:09:28,825 --> 01:09:32,614
He worships the sacred pools
called Littlewoods.
893
01:09:33,905 --> 01:09:40,015
The Cock-a-nees come here and seek
relief in these cells of meditation.
894
01:09:40,105 --> 01:09:44,303
Let us listen to them at their devotions.
895
01:09:51,385 --> 01:09:54,218
No more bleedin' curry for me.
896
01:09:56,825 --> 01:10:01,695
If we linger a while, we might hear
the song of their great water god...
897
01:10:06,865 --> 01:10:12,463
A fitting ending to
these people called the Cock-a-nees.
898
01:10:12,545 --> 01:10:18,018
Now, what will happen to these people
when civilisation catches up with them?
899
01:10:18,105 --> 01:10:22,224
Get out of it! Get out of the bleedin' way,
will ya? Ooh! Agh! Ooh!
900
01:10:23,665 --> 01:10:27,181
Get out of the way!
901
01:10:28,545 --> 01:10:33,142
Ooh, if an injured cricketer
can have a runner,
902
01:10:33,225 --> 01:10:37,503
why can't a newsreader have
an emotional conscience?
903
01:10:41,225 --> 01:10:43,580
Good evening.
Here is the Nine O'clock News.
904
01:10:43,665 --> 01:10:47,021
Dead on time. Not like your bloody
British railways. Late, late, late.
905
01:10:47,105 --> 01:10:50,063
The news is only on time
because we sleep here, that's why.
906
01:10:50,145 --> 01:10:53,263
Today... Today, the Queen...
907
01:10:53,985 --> 01:10:57,615
held a garden party which was
attended by nearly a thousand people.
908
01:10:57,705 --> 01:11:01,016
Yeah, but not me. Not Corbet Woodall, no.
All the silly old poofy tarts
909
01:11:01,105 --> 01:11:04,541
with the feathers, and those
poof y Guards' officers. Haw-haw-haw.
910
01:11:04,625 --> 01:11:06,343
But not butch Corbet Woodall, no.
911
01:11:06,425 --> 01:11:08,575
I flew Fairey Swordfishes during the war.
912
01:11:08,665 --> 01:11:11,862
It was worth a knighthood just to get into
one of those things. The Queen,
913
01:11:11,945 --> 01:11:15,939
the least she could do for me is to give me
the ''oh'', or the "mmm", or the "look".
914
01:11:16,025 --> 01:11:20,064
Last night, two young climbers
were trapped by the Urals.
915
01:11:20,145 --> 01:11:23,217
I beg your pardon, that should have read
"trapped in the Urals".
916
01:11:23,305 --> 01:11:26,423
We all make mistakes. It's a wonder
we don't make more mistakes
917
01:11:26,505 --> 01:11:30,180
reading this rubbish. Try saying
"disestablishment parliamentarianism"
918
01:11:30,265 --> 01:11:34,384
after three hours at the bar with Billy
Cotton, Jr. Try saying "Billy Cotton, Jr"
919
01:11:34,465 --> 01:11:38,220
after three hours in the bar with
disestablishment parliamentarianism.
920
01:11:38,305 --> 01:11:41,741
Same old... all day long.
Achild's head caught in railings,
921
01:11:41,825 --> 01:11:45,056
crippled Jewish vicar caught in lift.
I broke my leg falling off a ladder.
922
01:11:45,145 --> 01:11:48,820
Nothing on the news about that. “Corbet
VVoodall broke his leg.“ Nothing about that.
923
01:11:48,905 --> 01:11:52,023
The blood's congealing in my sock.
924
01:11:52,105 --> 01:11:54,574
- Hurry up, they close at half-past ten.
- Today the...
925
01:11:54,665 --> 01:11:59,102
Today the National Union of Topless
Dancers called a nationwide strike.
926
01:12:00,785 --> 01:12:05,985
Their spokesman Miss Tania Armitage
said, "It's like this. Two out, all out."
927
01:12:08,265 --> 01:12:11,144
Have you seen them?
United we stand, divided we fall.
928
01:12:13,305 --> 01:12:16,218
In Parliament today,
replying to Mrs Thatcher,
929
01:12:16,305 --> 01:12:20,014
the Prime Minister said there are
far too many knockers in Britain.
930
01:12:21,665 --> 01:12:23,895
Your next news will be at 11 o'clock.
931
01:12:23,985 --> 01:12:27,580
- And then I'll be stoned out of my mind.
- And so, good night to you.
932
01:12:27,665 --> 01:12:30,100
And a...
..to the lot of ya!
933
01:12:31,025 --> 01:12:34,336
The words from this song
are taken from a poem I wrote
934
01:12:34,425 --> 01:12:37,417
for my children's school play
in lieu of school fees.
935
01:12:37,505 --> 01:12:42,181
And it's been set to music by the chap
at the piano. His name is Ed Welch.
936
01:12:42,265 --> 01:12:44,620
What? Where?
937
01:12:51,585 --> 01:12:54,498
♪ There was a baboon who one afternoon
938
01:12:54,585 --> 01:12:58,294
♪ Said"
think I will fly to the sun"
939
01:12:58,385 --> 01:13:02,015
♪ So, with two great palms
that he strapped to his arms
940
01:13:02,105 --> 01:13:05,382
♪ He started his take-off run
941
01:13:06,145 --> 01:13:08,819
♪ Started his take-off run
942
01:13:15,185 --> 01:13:18,223
♪ Mile after mile he galloped in style
943
01:13:18,305 --> 01:13:21,423
♪ But he never once left the ground
944
01:13:22,265 --> 01:13:25,542
♪ "You're running too slow,"
said a passing crow
945
01:13:25,625 --> 01:13:29,300
♪ "Try reaching the speed of sound
946
01:13:29,825 --> 01:13:32,783
♪ Reaching the speed of sound"
947
01:13:38,145 --> 01:13:42,059
♪ So he put on a spurt,
my God how it hurt
948
01:13:42,145 --> 01:13:44,978
♪ The soles of his feet caught on fire
949
01:13:45,545 --> 01:13:48,936
♪ There were great clouds of steam
as he raced through a stream
950
01:13:49,025 --> 01:13:52,620
♪ But he still didn't get any higher
951
01:13:53,305 --> 01:13:56,297
♪ Still didn't get any higher
952
01:14:01,825 --> 01:14:05,420
♪ Racing on through the night
both his knees caught alight
953
01:14:05,505 --> 01:14:08,338
♪ And smoke billowed out from his rear
954
01:14:09,345 --> 01:14:12,542
♪ Quick to his aid came a fire brigade
955
01:14:12,625 --> 01:14:16,414
♪ And they chased him for over a year
956
01:14:16,545 --> 01:14:19,697
♪ Chased him for over a year
957
01:14:25,705 --> 01:14:27,981
♪ Many moons passed by
958
01:14:28,065 --> 01:14:30,295
♪ Did baboon ever fly?
959
01:14:30,385 --> 01:14:34,697
♪ Did he ever get to the sun?
960
01:14:34,785 --> 01:14:38,335
♪ I've just heard today
that he's well on his way
961
01:14:38,425 --> 01:14:42,339
♪ He'll be passing through Acton at one
962
01:14:42,425 --> 01:14:45,417
♪ Passing through Acton at one... ♪
963
01:15:24,945 --> 01:15:29,143
Here, how many of you recognised Mrs Mills
in that new disguise? Did you notice?
964
01:15:40,225 --> 01:15:43,263
- By Jove, I enjoyed that swim, Jim.
- So did I, Eric.
965
01:15:43,345 --> 01:15:45,461
- It's not real water, you know?
- No, no.
966
01:15:45,545 --> 01:15:49,698
It's only a piece of paper with the water
painted on it. That's why we're not wet.
967
01:15:49,785 --> 01:15:52,982
As we're dry, why don't we do
a sketch on land together?
968
01:15:53,065 --> 01:15:55,784
Spiffing idea. Let's do it over here
where we were marked
969
01:15:55,865 --> 01:15:59,096
- for the rehearsal this afternoon.
- Ah. Ah, yes, strikes.
970
01:15:59,185 --> 01:16:02,064
Knock-knock-knock on the invisible door.
971
01:16:02,585 --> 01:16:06,658
Come, come, coming along
the invisible hall. Walk, walk, walk.
972
01:16:06,745 --> 01:16:09,658
Click, squeak, crunch, open.
973
01:16:10,945 --> 01:16:15,542
Hello. We have reason to believe that you
are a man standing in an invisible hall.
974
01:16:15,625 --> 01:16:17,616
Yes, but he's out. Can I help you?
975
01:16:17,705 --> 01:16:21,539
Yes. We are Jehovah burglars.
976
01:16:21,625 --> 01:16:25,095
- But... I'm not Jewish.
- I'll come to that later.
977
01:16:25,185 --> 01:16:29,019
Me and my friend here are being persecuted
for our beliefs by the police.
978
01:16:29,105 --> 01:16:31,221
- What are your beliefs?
- We believe you've got...
979
01:16:31,305 --> 01:16:35,185
- a lot of good silverware and stuff like that.
- Good heavens, that's absolutely true.
980
01:16:35,265 --> 01:16:37,176
We only believe in the absolutely true.
981
01:16:37,825 --> 01:16:39,657
- What are you doing?
- You!
982
01:16:39,745 --> 01:16:41,497
But why are you removing
983
01:16:41,585 --> 01:16:43,064
that very valuable silverware?
984
01:16:43,145 --> 01:16:44,943
It should be kept in a safe and it's mine.
985
01:16:45,025 --> 01:16:48,063
We have a disbeliever here, brother.
We must convert him.
986
01:16:48,145 --> 01:16:51,695
Kneel down and say after me,
"Oh, my bleedin' head."
987
01:16:52,505 --> 01:16:54,496
Oh, my bleedin' head.
988
01:16:54,585 --> 01:16:56,895
Here comes the ground.
989
01:16:56,985 --> 01:17:02,059
Nah-nah. Sergeant, there has been
a distinct thud on the head
990
01:17:02,145 --> 01:17:04,500
at 365 Hagley Road, Birmingham.
991
01:17:04,585 --> 01:17:07,054
This is a job for the police.
992
01:17:09,105 --> 01:17:11,824
♪ We'll be seeing you... ♪
993
01:17:15,185 --> 01:17:18,860
Here, they're playing our song.
994
01:17:26,705 --> 01:17:28,981
Pardon me, sir, we have reason to believe
995
01:17:29,065 --> 01:17:32,183
that a lump on a head
has been committed at this address.
996
01:17:32,265 --> 01:17:35,064
- Heel, Fang, heel.
- "Heel, Fang," he says.
997
01:17:35,145 --> 01:17:37,136
I'm sorry, sir, I shall have to arrest
998
01:17:37,225 --> 01:17:38,499
your wrists with handcuffs.
999
01:17:38,585 --> 01:17:42,101
- In connection with what?
- The rest of your arms.
1000
01:17:42,185 --> 01:17:45,701
You can't arrest me.
I'm a distant cousin of the Queen.
1001
01:17:46,465 --> 01:17:49,423
This puts me in a very difficult position.
1002
01:17:51,625 --> 01:17:54,344
- Lend him a quid until he's straight.
- Heel, Fang.
1003
01:17:54,425 --> 01:17:56,382
- "Heel, Fang," he says.
- Ssh. Sergeant,
1004
01:17:56,465 --> 01:17:58,661
I can hear someone
coming down the stairs.
1005
01:17:58,745 --> 01:18:01,259
- Quick, let's run out of shot.
- Where's there to pray?
1006
01:18:01,345 --> 01:18:03,700
This could mean promotion for you.
1007
01:18:03,785 --> 01:18:10,179
Ooh, I'm sorry, burglar, my wife thought
she heard policemen down the stairs.
1008
01:18:22,745 --> 01:18:25,259
Nee-nah, nee-nah, nee-nah.
1009
01:18:25,345 --> 01:18:27,985
- Well...
- Nee-nah, nee-nah, nee-nah.
1010
01:18:28,065 --> 01:18:30,056
Nee-nah, nee-nah, nee-nah.
1011
01:18:30,905 --> 01:18:33,784
Trying to escape, eh?
I arrest you for being Houdini,
1012
01:18:33,865 --> 01:18:35,776
and while I'm here, give me a kiss.
1013
01:18:35,865 --> 01:18:38,744
- Darling, let me explain the mystery to you.
- Yes.
1014
01:18:38,825 --> 01:18:41,943
You see the reason why these handcuffs
fall off my wrists
1015
01:18:42,025 --> 01:18:46,178
is because I'm thin through malnutrition
brought on by VAT.
1016
01:18:46,265 --> 01:18:48,017
This man needs a VAT-free diet.
1017
01:18:48,105 --> 01:18:50,381
We must hurry.
That joke didn't get a laugh.
1018
01:18:52,185 --> 01:18:55,940
We must get this man to a criminal wrist-
fattening restaurant as soon as possible,
1019
01:18:56,025 --> 01:19:00,895
otherwise he may die. Then the charge
would be, bom-bom-bom-bom, murder!
1020
01:19:03,905 --> 01:19:07,057
♪ Oh, Rosemary
1021
01:19:07,145 --> 01:19:09,614
♪ I love you
1022
01:19:09,705 --> 01:19:13,141
♪ I'm always dreaming of you
1023
01:19:13,225 --> 01:19:15,865
♪ No matter what I do
1024
01:19:15,945 --> 01:19:18,221
♪ I can't forget you
1025
01:19:18,865 --> 01:19:23,985
♪ Sometime I wish that I had never...
1026
01:19:24,065 --> 01:19:26,625
- Heel, Fang.
- "Heel, Fang," he says.
1027
01:19:27,345 --> 01:19:30,542
I say, I say, waiter, do you serve
wrist-fattening foods here?
1028
01:19:30,625 --> 01:19:33,094
Yes, sir. Sit down. We serve anybody.
1029
01:19:35,185 --> 01:19:37,904
I say, I say,
what's this fly doing in my soup?
1030
01:19:37,985 --> 01:19:40,215
That was no lady, that was my wife.
1031
01:19:43,585 --> 01:19:46,543
Waiter, waiter,
why did the chicken cross the road?
1032
01:19:46,625 --> 01:19:49,504
Because no power on earth
can bring it down.
1033
01:19:50,665 --> 01:19:53,817
Waiter, waiter, why's my dog got no nose?
1034
01:19:53,905 --> 01:19:55,896
To get to the other side.
1035
01:19:58,505 --> 01:20:01,782
- Now, any particular wine?
- Yes, any particular wine.
1036
01:20:03,105 --> 01:20:06,985
De-da-da-da-da-da!
Listen, it's time for the cabaret.
1037
01:20:07,065 --> 01:20:08,339
Ow!
1038
01:20:08,425 --> 01:20:11,543
And now...
Testing, testing, testing.
1039
01:20:11,625 --> 01:20:13,901
Hello, hello.
1040
01:20:13,985 --> 01:20:17,182
The Revere at Caflord is proud to present,
from merry Hong Kong,
1041
01:20:17,265 --> 01:20:21,020
the cabaret sensation of the year, 1929,
Miss World.
1042
01:20:21,105 --> 01:20:25,338
And here he is,
China's very own Gro Ti Thing.
1043
01:20:25,425 --> 01:20:27,416
Ohh!
1044
01:20:27,505 --> 01:20:30,304
OK, Lotus Blossom, take it away.
1045
01:20:30,385 --> 01:20:32,945
Ow! Agh.
1046
01:20:34,705 --> 01:20:38,938
Oww! That hurt! Oww!
1047
01:20:44,825 --> 01:20:48,455
A funny thing
happen to me on my way to studio.
1048
01:20:48,545 --> 01:20:52,254
I go in fish and chip shop, I say,
"Have you any more chip left?"
1049
01:20:52,345 --> 01:20:57,101
He says, "Yes." I says, "Serve you bloody
right for making so many." Ha-ha-ha-ha.
1050
01:20:57,185 --> 01:20:59,096
Oh, well, you can't win 'em all.
1051
01:20:59,185 --> 01:21:03,019
Now, for my first trick, is there
thin criminal in audience?
1052
01:21:03,105 --> 01:21:05,665
This could be my lucky night.
1053
01:21:05,745 --> 01:21:09,340
Give a big hand for this man. Ha-ha-ha.
1054
01:21:10,185 --> 01:21:11,744
Ow!
1055
01:21:11,825 --> 01:21:15,341
I'm not really Gro Ti Thing,
I'm really a police,
1056
01:21:15,425 --> 01:21:18,065
and I've trapped
this thin-wrist criminal in his lair.
1057
01:21:18,145 --> 01:21:20,375
Don't come out, cos I'm coming in.
1058
01:21:22,705 --> 01:21:24,104
Oww!
1059
01:21:24,825 --> 01:21:27,385
Dee-dee, dee-dee. I reck...
1060
01:21:33,585 --> 01:21:37,374
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been in
many police sketches in my time,
1061
01:21:37,465 --> 01:21:39,661
and this has been one of them.
1062
01:21:39,745 --> 01:21:41,179
Evenin' all.
1063
01:21:41,265 --> 01:21:42,380
Oh.
1064
01:21:43,185 --> 01:21:45,062
And now it's time to play
1065
01:21:45,145 --> 01:21:46,783
Where Does It Hurt,
1066
01:21:46,865 --> 01:21:51,382
and here is your master of "sorrowmonies",
Oily Grin.
1067
01:22:01,585 --> 01:22:04,498
Thank you, thank you,
ladies and gentlemen, thank you,
1068
01:22:04,585 --> 01:22:07,099
and I mean that most sincerely,
I really do.
1069
01:22:07,185 --> 01:22:09,699
Tonight, folks,
we're gonna play Where Does It Hurt,
1070
01:22:09,785 --> 01:22:11,901
a game where we here in the studio
draw attention
1071
01:22:11,985 --> 01:22:16,661
to all those wonderful sporting
contestants who are in pain and suffering.
1072
01:22:16,745 --> 01:22:20,295
The way we play it is this. If you can
think of any aspect of human agony
1073
01:22:20,385 --> 01:22:22,058
that'll bring this game alive,
1074
01:22:22,145 --> 01:22:25,217
just write it on a postcard
and send it to us, c/o Where Does It Hurt
1075
01:22:25,305 --> 01:22:30,618
Remember this. One person's suffering can
bring a great deal of pleasure to others.
1076
01:22:30,705 --> 01:22:34,221
I mean that most sincerely, I really do.
And I mean that most sincerely.
1077
01:22:34,305 --> 01:22:37,263
All right, here we go. I'd like you
to meet our wonderful hostesses.
1078
01:22:37,345 --> 01:22:41,703
Here they are. Victoria Sylvester.
1079
01:22:44,585 --> 01:22:46,940
And Platter Du Jour.
1080
01:22:51,865 --> 01:22:54,334
A big hand for these two wonderful girls.
1081
01:22:59,465 --> 01:23:02,742
And you certainly need a big hand
for these two wonderful girls.
1082
01:23:02,825 --> 01:23:05,499
All right.
1083
01:23:05,585 --> 01:23:09,465
Now, ladies and gentlemen, all right.
Here we are. I'd just like to describe to you
1084
01:23:09,545 --> 01:23:13,061
the way we play Where Does It Hurt.
Don't forget, every contestant
1085
01:23:13,145 --> 01:23:17,378
that comes on this programme is going
through some son of physical discomfort
1086
01:23:17,465 --> 01:23:20,776
Now over here, ladies and gentlemen,
we have the painometer.
1087
01:23:20,865 --> 01:23:24,495
Now this painometer will register
your applause and laughter
1088
01:23:24,585 --> 01:23:28,340
at what the contestants are suffering
in order that they may entertain you.
1089
01:23:28,425 --> 01:23:31,065
Isn't that wonderful? It really is.
All right, here we go.
1090
01:23:31,145 --> 01:23:35,855
Victoria, who is the first contestant
who wants to play Where Does It Hurt?
1091
01:23:35,945 --> 01:23:37,697
I don't know.
1092
01:23:37,785 --> 01:23:40,903
How about that, ladies and gentlemen,
an anonymous contestant.
1093
01:23:40,985 --> 01:23:44,137
Isn't that wonderful? It really is.
All right, so here he is,
1094
01:23:44,225 --> 01:23:49,538
the unknown gentleman of breeding
from Dick Crescent, Chiswick, W4,
1095
01:23:49,625 --> 01:23:53,175
famed for its flyover...
1096
01:23:53,265 --> 01:23:55,017
...and he has...
1097
01:23:56,065 --> 01:23:57,942
Abscess on the jaw.
1098
01:23:58,025 --> 01:24:00,016
Abscess on jaw.
1099
01:24:00,585 --> 01:24:02,303
Ash! Agh!
1100
01:24:04,385 --> 01:24:06,854
Aaaaagh!
1101
01:24:09,505 --> 01:24:12,065
Aaaaaaagh!
1102
01:24:15,785 --> 01:24:17,901
All right, three wonderful "aghs"
1103
01:24:17,985 --> 01:24:21,660
from the unknown gentleman of breeding
from Chiswick, W4,
1104
01:24:21,745 --> 01:24:26,899
scoring 68 wonderful painometer points
with abscess on jaw.
1105
01:24:26,985 --> 01:24:31,582
And don't forget,
abscess makes the heart grow fonder.
1106
01:24:32,905 --> 01:24:36,216
All right, don't forget, ladies and
gentlemen, it is your appreciation
1107
01:24:36,305 --> 01:24:41,095
of a good pain that will bring
our contestants through to the finals
1108
01:24:41,185 --> 01:24:43,222
or to the grave. All right?
1109
01:24:43,305 --> 01:24:45,057
Now, what?
1110
01:24:45,145 --> 01:24:52,222
Our next contestant is Miss Zavira...
Motts, from 23 Terrible Street, Luton,
1111
01:24:52,305 --> 01:24:55,536
and she's going to give us acute lumbago.
1112
01:24:55,625 --> 01:24:58,060
And I bet that's not all
that's cute about her.
1113
01:25:02,985 --> 01:25:05,022
Ow, Bed!
1114
01:25:05,105 --> 01:25:08,143
Oww! Oww!
1115
01:25:08,225 --> 01:25:12,378
Come on, this could be a holiday
in the South of France for us. Get on!
1116
01:25:12,465 --> 01:25:14,820
- Oh, Bed! Oww!
- Come on!
1117
01:25:15,305 --> 01:25:19,742
Agh! Oww!
1118
01:25:19,825 --> 01:25:22,817
Owwww!
1119
01:25:26,265 --> 01:25:28,984
75 wonderful points.
1120
01:25:29,065 --> 01:25:31,625
Near agony to Mrs Motts
with cute lumbago.
1121
01:25:31,705 --> 01:25:34,299
Thank you, thank you.
1122
01:25:34,385 --> 01:25:37,025
At this stage, ladies and gentlemen,
I just wanna point out,
1123
01:25:37,105 --> 01:25:41,497
this contest is still wide open. So don't
forget, folks, if you've got a friend
1124
01:25:41,585 --> 01:25:45,260
or a relative that's going through
any sort of physical discomfort,
1125
01:25:45,345 --> 01:25:49,134
either at home or at Harrods,
don't waste it.
1126
01:25:49,225 --> 01:25:53,105
That pain can be turned into hard cash
right here on Where Does It Hurt
1127
01:25:53,185 --> 01:25:56,496
So keep those postcards coming in.
I mean that most sincerely, I really do.
1128
01:25:56,585 --> 01:26:00,260
And I mean that most sincerely, I really
do, and I mean that most sincerely...
1129
01:26:00,345 --> 01:26:03,497
All right, Victoria... There.
1130
01:26:04,025 --> 01:26:05,982
Oh. Yes.
1131
01:26:06,065 --> 01:26:13,699
It's Mr Ian McTomjim,
of 309A Scraggers Road, Flat 7B, Bed 29,
1132
01:26:13,785 --> 01:26:16,140
Upper Bunk, Virginia Water.
1133
01:26:16,225 --> 01:26:19,456
How about that, ladies and gentlemen,
this is a novelty contestant.
1134
01:26:19,545 --> 01:26:23,015
Now, this contestant, let me explain to you,
he's got nothing wrong with him.
1135
01:26:23,105 --> 01:26:26,382
But being the sort of gentleman that he is,
sporting gentleman I mean,
1136
01:26:26,465 --> 01:26:29,264
he's come right here into the studio
to introduce his own pain,
1137
01:26:29,345 --> 01:26:33,942
so here he is, ladies and gentlemen,
Mr Virginia Water with own pain.
1138
01:26:34,025 --> 01:26:36,016
No, the other side.
1139
01:26:52,465 --> 01:26:54,103
Aaargh...
1140
01:26:54,185 --> 01:26:57,496
Thank you, thank you. That was
really wonderful, that really was.
1141
01:26:57,585 --> 01:27:01,215
99 wonderful painometer points
for Mr Virginia McTomjim.
1142
01:27:01,305 --> 01:27:05,538
Don't forget, still in the lead is
that wonderful contestant of last week,
1143
01:27:05,625 --> 01:27:10,335
Mr Patrick O'Murphy from... Ireland,
1144
01:27:10,425 --> 01:27:13,656
and he scored 100 points,
ladies and gentlemen, with this act.
1145
01:27:15,065 --> 01:27:18,615
OK, Hughie, I'm going for the big one.
1146
01:27:18,705 --> 01:27:20,696
Extreme agony.
1147
01:27:28,585 --> 01:27:30,576
OK, Mick, drop it!
1148
01:27:37,025 --> 01:27:39,665
Thank you, thank you.
So here he is, ladies and gentlemen.
1149
01:27:39,745 --> 01:27:43,704
A warm welcome to the all-time winner.
Here he is, Patrick O'Murphy.
1150
01:27:55,265 --> 01:28:03,265
Finally, this month's £75,000 Premium Bond
winner is Z-3-4-9-11/X,
1151
01:28:04,225 --> 01:28:06,819
and he lives in Middlesex.
1152
01:29:18,985 --> 01:29:22,137
"Romeo, Romeo,
1153
01:29:22,225 --> 01:29:24,136
wherefore an thou, Romeo?"
1154
01:29:24,225 --> 01:29:26,216
Coming, darling!
1155
01:30:04,665 --> 01:30:06,656
Oh.
1156
01:30:12,905 --> 01:30:17,058
Good evening. And now over to somebody
you all love and treasure.
1157
01:30:21,865 --> 01:30:24,095
My little darling.
1158
01:30:24,185 --> 01:30:27,974
It's one minute past 12,
my beloved's birthday.
1159
01:30:28,065 --> 01:30:30,705
Oh, oh, oh. Oh, Molly. Molly!
1160
01:30:30,785 --> 01:30:33,174
Agh, agh, argh! Not so fast, not so fast.
1161
01:30:33,265 --> 01:30:36,496
Of what is my beloved dreaming?
1162
01:30:36,585 --> 01:30:38,781
No, no, no! Use the appliance.
1163
01:30:38,865 --> 01:30:44,065
Put the appliance on. Now twist it
round. Stop it! Keep going, keep going.
1164
01:30:44,145 --> 01:30:47,297
Here, dog's bum. Happy Birthday.
1165
01:30:47,385 --> 01:30:50,377
Yes, yes, now the whip. Oh, ah...
1166
01:30:50,465 --> 01:30:52,456
Use the grease, use the feather!
1167
01:30:53,385 --> 01:30:56,298
Use the feather! Oh! Agh, agh!
I love you, I love you.
1168
01:30:56,385 --> 01:30:59,025
Dog's bum, Happy Birthday.
1169
01:30:59,865 --> 01:31:01,378
Oh.
1170
01:31:01,465 --> 01:31:03,695
Lovely. Just what I've always wanted.
1171
01:31:03,785 --> 01:31:05,583
A parcel.
1172
01:31:06,305 --> 01:31:09,935
Are you still there, Molly?
Now the black stockings. And the whips.
1173
01:31:10,025 --> 01:31:13,814
Get the whips out, darling.
Right now, put the custard in my boots.
1174
01:31:13,905 --> 01:31:16,419
Bring in the black man.
Bring the black man in.
1175
01:31:16,505 --> 01:31:18,382
- Here. Here.
- I love you, I love you.
1176
01:31:18,465 --> 01:31:21,821
Here, stop it, or you'll go blind!
1177
01:31:24,465 --> 01:31:27,059
I was only playing full frontal chess
with her.
1178
01:31:28,065 --> 01:31:30,534
Aren't you going to unwrap it?
1179
01:31:30,625 --> 01:31:32,662
What, and spoil it?
1180
01:31:32,745 --> 01:31:34,975
Well, don't you wanna know what's inside?
1181
01:31:35,065 --> 01:31:37,022
No, darling. I'm a simple man.
1182
01:31:37,105 --> 01:31:40,416
I'm perfectly satisfied with that parcel
as it is.
1183
01:31:41,305 --> 01:31:44,821
I'm not giving her the chance of opening
that parcel and taking the present out
1184
01:31:44,905 --> 01:31:47,738
and saying, "Thank you, darling,
thank you." Mwah, mwah, mwah.
1185
01:31:47,825 --> 01:31:51,102
No, no, cos I know what's inside.
It's a bleedin' lawnmower.
1186
01:31:53,145 --> 01:31:55,500
You know why?
She wants me to buy a garden.
1187
01:31:56,905 --> 01:31:58,896
You know what she bought me last year?
1188
01:31:58,985 --> 01:32:01,579
A hundred and eighty foot
circular staircase.
1189
01:32:01,665 --> 01:32:04,384
I had to have
two storeys built onto the bungalow.
1190
01:32:05,145 --> 01:32:09,378
And next year her mother's pushing her
to buy me a lift,
1191
01:32:09,465 --> 01:32:12,378
an Alsatian, and an automatic Pope.
1192
01:32:14,065 --> 01:32:15,339
Why?
1193
01:32:16,065 --> 01:32:19,615
I've finished my asides now, dear.
Molly, darling, come back again.
1194
01:32:19,705 --> 01:32:20,900
- Listen.
- What?
1195
01:32:20,985 --> 01:32:23,420
If you don't want it,
it'll have to go back.
1196
01:32:23,505 --> 01:32:25,735
But that would spoil it, my beloved.
1197
01:32:25,825 --> 01:32:28,624
This is my beloved?
1198
01:32:29,265 --> 01:32:33,224
Look, we'll have to take it
to the Harrods unwrappery.
1199
01:32:33,305 --> 01:32:35,342
- Harrods unwrappery?
- Yes.
1200
01:32:35,425 --> 01:32:38,224
- When?
- Now, while the pound is stabilised.
1201
01:32:38,305 --> 01:32:44,654
All right then, cut to Harrods' beautiful
salon room with thick carpets.
1202
01:32:46,825 --> 01:32:48,498
Agh!
1203
01:32:52,625 --> 01:32:55,617
Can you unwrap that present for me,
please?
1204
01:32:55,705 --> 01:32:57,582
Certainly, sir. Certainly. Yes.
1205
01:32:57,665 --> 01:33:00,976
While he's there, I'll give
this teddy bear the kiss of life.
1206
01:33:04,465 --> 01:33:06,661
There you are. We got it out for you, sir.
1207
01:33:08,345 --> 01:33:11,417
- You screwed it.
- No, I just unwrapped it, sir.
1208
01:33:11,505 --> 01:33:14,145
Half an hour ago that was a lovely parcel.
1209
01:33:14,225 --> 01:33:18,935
Yes. Well, it will be £53.
With VAT, £1,000.
1210
01:33:19,905 --> 01:33:24,058
Well, if that's what it's gonna cost, you
might as well put the present back in.
1211
01:33:24,145 --> 01:33:27,979
We pause here, the man
backs out of camera shot, out of shot,
1212
01:33:28,065 --> 01:33:32,263
he quickly changes to a big, new parcel,
and comes back three minutes later.
1213
01:33:32,345 --> 01:33:35,656
You've wrapped it up again
three minutes later.
1214
01:33:35,745 --> 01:33:37,179
Yes, sir.
1215
01:33:37,265 --> 01:33:40,257
But what was in it?
It was an automatic Pope, wasn't it?
1216
01:33:40,345 --> 01:33:41,619
No, sir.
1217
01:33:41,705 --> 01:33:45,255
It was a plain deal coffin
with your name on the lid.
1218
01:33:45,345 --> 01:33:48,303
Beautifully done, sir.
Must have cost a fortune.
1219
01:33:53,945 --> 01:33:55,538
She wants to get rid of me.
1220
01:33:55,625 --> 01:33:58,458
I thought that All-Bran tasted dodgy
this morning.
1221
01:33:59,585 --> 01:34:02,259
But little does she know that I am
1222
01:34:02,345 --> 01:34:06,054
England's only six million pound
bionic man.
1223
01:34:10,105 --> 01:34:12,096
And a lot of bloody good it's done me.
1224
01:34:13,505 --> 01:34:18,261
Well, sir, now, in your condition,
may I suggest a compromise?
1225
01:34:18,345 --> 01:34:20,461
- A compromise?
- Yes. Death.
1226
01:34:20,545 --> 01:34:22,058
- Done.
- It's quite simple.
1227
01:34:22,145 --> 01:34:25,058
- Harrods' home strangling kit.
- Home strangling kit?
1228
01:34:25,145 --> 01:34:30,060
Yes, now. We have a free demonstration,
with no obligation on your part to buy.
1229
01:34:31,385 --> 01:34:34,423
Do you mind doing a song and dance
while I get these gloves on?
1230
01:34:34,505 --> 01:34:38,817
♪ I'll be seeing you
in all the old... familiar places
1231
01:34:38,905 --> 01:34:40,896
♪ That this head of mine embraces
1232
01:34:41,145 --> 01:34:42,818
♪ - Be with you in a moment.
1233
01:34:42,905 --> 01:34:45,784
♪ The park across the way... ♪
1234
01:34:45,865 --> 01:34:48,095
All right, all right, we'll let you know.
1235
01:34:48,185 --> 01:34:52,099
Now... that's it.
Now you take the remote control.
1236
01:34:52,185 --> 01:34:54,904
It took longer this time than the rehearsal,
didn't it?
1237
01:34:54,985 --> 01:34:56,896
You take the remote control.
1238
01:34:56,985 --> 01:35:00,774
Now you can set this
to "victim" or "self",
1239
01:35:00,865 --> 01:35:03,459
according to whether you want
murder or suicide.
1240
01:35:03,545 --> 01:35:04,774
Suicide.
1241
01:35:04,865 --> 01:35:09,257
Now then, for the purpose of this
demonstration, we will put it to "murder".
1242
01:35:09,345 --> 01:35:10,415
- To murder'?
- Yes.
1243
01:35:10,505 --> 01:35:11,620
- Ready?
- Yes.
1244
01:35:11,705 --> 01:35:12,820
Go.
1245
01:35:12,905 --> 01:35:14,896
Agh! Agh!
1246
01:35:25,265 --> 01:35:27,779
Turn it off!
1247
01:35:27,865 --> 01:35:31,745
- The bloody button's stuck.
- Well, get an electrician!
1248
01:35:31,825 --> 01:35:34,419
Where am I gonna get
an electrician this time of night?
1249
01:35:34,505 --> 01:35:37,463
Try the Yellow Pages,
you daft Transylvanian twit!
1250
01:35:37,905 --> 01:35:39,896
Ash! Agh!
1251
01:35:50,865 --> 01:35:52,856
Agh!
1252
01:35:53,545 --> 01:35:55,980
Ash! Agh!
1253
01:35:57,745 --> 01:36:00,897
Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
1254
01:36:00,985 --> 01:36:04,216
No! It's Batman!
1255
01:36:04,825 --> 01:36:10,662
There must be some mistake. I'm
Barkers man. That's one of my branches.
1256
01:36:11,505 --> 01:36:12,984
He's been sawn off.
1257
01:36:13,785 --> 01:36:16,982
- What appears to be the trouble?
- This. The button's stuck.
1258
01:36:17,065 --> 01:36:19,534
I'll kung fu it. Ah-so!
1259
01:36:20,345 --> 01:36:24,304
- Ooh, gawd!
- Well, that's done it.
1260
01:36:24,385 --> 01:36:27,935
We were dependent upon you mending
that cos he's got to say the pay-off line.
1261
01:36:28,025 --> 01:36:30,062
What is the pay-off line?
Perhaps I can say it.
1262
01:36:30,145 --> 01:36:32,978
I wonder what's going on in Ireland.
1263
01:36:33,065 --> 01:36:37,263
I wonder what... in Ireland...
going on ist.
1264
01:36:40,985 --> 01:36:42,783
I didn't write this stuff, did I?
1265
01:36:48,865 --> 01:36:51,300
♪ Oh, Danny boy
1266
01:36:51,385 --> 01:36:55,936
♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling
1267
01:36:57,105 --> 01:36:59,824
♪ From glen to glen
1268
01:37:00,585 --> 01:37:04,465
♪ And down the mountain side
1269
01:37:07,945 --> 01:37:10,505
♪ The summer's gone
1270
01:37:10,585 --> 01:37:17,059
♪ And all the roses falling
1271
01:37:17,745 --> 01:37:21,215
♪ It's you, it's you
1272
01:37:21,305 --> 01:37:27,335
♪ Must go and I must bide
1273
01:37:28,905 --> 01:37:36,905
♪ But come ye back
when summer's in the meadow
1274
01:37:37,985 --> 01:37:43,185
♪ Or when the Valley's
1275
01:37:43,265 --> 01:37:49,705
♪ Hushed and white with snow
1276
01:37:50,305 --> 01:37:55,698
♪ It's I'll be here
1277
01:37:56,385 --> 01:38:03,576
♪ In sunshine or in shadow
1278
01:38:06,025 --> 01:38:12,544
♪ Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy
1279
01:38:12,625 --> 01:38:20,625
♪ I love you so
1280
01:38:24,385 --> 01:38:31,701
♪ But when ye come
and all the flowers are dyin'
1281
01:38:32,825 --> 01:38:36,261
I if I am dead
1282
01:38:36,345 --> 01:38:41,340
♪ And dead I may well be
1283
01:38:48,545 --> 01:38:54,416
♪ The place where I am lying
1284
01:38:55,225 --> 01:39:00,174
♪ And kneel and say
1285
01:39:00,945 --> 01:39:07,385
♪ An "Ave" there for me
1286
01:39:09,265 --> 01:39:12,974
♪ And I shall hear
1287
01:39:13,065 --> 01:39:19,539
♪ Though soft you tread above me
1288
01:39:19,825 --> 01:39:23,614
♪ And all my grave
1289
01:39:23,705 --> 01:39:29,735
♪ Will warmer, sweeter be
1290
01:39:31,985 --> 01:39:38,300
♪ For you will bend
1291
01:39:38,385 --> 01:39:46,385
♪ And tell me that you love me
1292
01:39:51,545 --> 01:39:59,100
♪ And I shall sleep in peace
1293
01:39:59,185 --> 01:40:03,861
♪ Until you
1294
01:40:03,945 --> 01:40:10,942
♪ Come to me... ♪
1295
01:40:16,665 --> 01:40:20,295
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Jeremy Taylor, and this is not.
1296
01:40:21,385 --> 01:40:23,296
- What's your name?
- Alun Davies.
1297
01:40:23,385 --> 01:40:26,503
Alun Davies. What a good memory
you've got for names, Alun.
1298
01:40:26,585 --> 01:40:29,099
These two lads are gonna play
a little Congolese tune.
1299
01:40:29,185 --> 01:40:32,143
Believe it or not,
it's not from their latest LP.
1300
01:40:34,705 --> 01:40:36,696
♪ Masanga
1301
01:41:26,905 --> 01:41:29,215
The lyrics may be causing you
some trouble
1302
01:41:31,185 --> 01:41:33,335
because they're in Swahili.
1303
01:41:33,425 --> 01:41:37,464
They're very simple, and all I'm doing
is I'm talking to my friend
1304
01:41:37,545 --> 01:41:40,298
and saying what a beautiful wife he has,
1305
01:41:40,385 --> 01:41:45,380
and what a good idea it would be
if he went away on holiday.
1306
01:41:47,745 --> 01:41:49,736
And left his wife behind.
1307
01:43:48,945 --> 01:43:52,939
Today is the last day of
the Believe It Or Not Olympics,
1308
01:43:53,025 --> 01:43:56,620
which are taking place
at Catford recreation grounds.
1309
01:43:57,105 --> 01:43:59,096
And we're just in time to see
1310
01:43:59,185 --> 01:44:03,304
the famous blind athlete John Foster
in his final javelin throw.
1311
01:44:05,985 --> 01:44:09,137
And he sets himself now
on the front foot forward.
1312
01:44:09,225 --> 01:44:12,820
He steadies himself, runs forward,
gaining momentum all the time.
1313
01:44:12,905 --> 01:44:15,021
And he makes his throw on the front foot.
1314
01:44:15,105 --> 01:44:17,301
He listens carefully
as to what's going on.
1315
01:44:17,385 --> 01:44:18,784
Ow!
1316
01:44:18,865 --> 01:44:20,538
But we'll come back to that later.
1317
01:44:20,625 --> 01:44:21,740
Ready?
1318
01:44:21,825 --> 01:44:23,941
Here's the start of the deaf tug of war.
1319
01:44:24,025 --> 01:44:27,939
Neasden on the left in the white,
and Scunthorpe on the right in the white.
1320
01:44:28,025 --> 01:44:30,665
They're off to a good pull, Neasden,
pulling hard.
1321
01:44:30,745 --> 01:44:33,703
Scunthorpe are over the line.
Neasden have pulled it off.
1322
01:44:33,785 --> 01:44:36,664
No, they haven't.
We'll come back to that later.
1323
01:44:36,745 --> 01:44:38,975
The start of the deaf 100 metres.
1324
01:44:39,065 --> 01:44:42,262
We'll come back to that.
It's the end of the three-legged race.
1325
01:44:42,345 --> 01:44:45,019
It's Mulligan first, James second.
1326
01:44:50,785 --> 01:44:53,743
Back to the deaf tug of war.
As they go through St Albans,
1327
01:44:53,825 --> 01:44:58,137
Neasden are still pulling powerfully to
the north. We'll come back to that later.
1328
01:44:58,225 --> 01:45:01,775
After one false start,
we go back to the deaf 100 metres.
1329
01:45:02,585 --> 01:45:04,337
One your marks...
1330
01:45:04,425 --> 01:45:08,419
We've just heard that the leader of the
special 50-mile walk for athletes over 90
1331
01:45:08,505 --> 01:45:11,145
is about to enter the stadium.
Here comes the first one.
1332
01:45:11,225 --> 01:45:14,934
Yes, it is, it's Harry Flakers.
He's going absolutely flat out.
1333
01:45:15,025 --> 01:45:17,619
He's powering his way down the line
to the finish,
1334
01:45:17,705 --> 01:45:20,618
and I don't think anyone can overtake.
Wait a minute.
1335
01:45:20,705 --> 01:45:22,616
Here comes... It's Fred Labeale.
1336
01:45:22,705 --> 01:45:26,744
And Labeale's gonna
take Flakers at the post.
1337
01:45:26,825 --> 01:45:31,615
And he hurls himself over the line.
He's come a close second.
1338
01:45:32,225 --> 01:45:37,061
And now Labeale takes a lap of honour,
but I'm afraid it's come too late for him.
1339
01:45:37,145 --> 01:45:40,501
The start of the 10,000 metres
Drunken All-Corners.
1340
01:45:40,585 --> 01:45:42,861
They're under starters and last orders.
1341
01:45:42,945 --> 01:45:45,539
In lane one,
Patrick Riley running for Guinness.
1342
01:45:45,625 --> 01:45:48,583
Followed by his brother Seamus
who is running for his life.
1343
01:45:48,665 --> 01:45:51,054
Inside lane three,
Glen Fiddich from Glasgow.
1344
01:45:51,145 --> 01:45:54,217
And there is the formidable Dalston verger
1345
01:45:54,305 --> 01:45:56,535
who is warming up with
a glass of paint stripper.
1346
01:45:56,625 --> 01:46:00,141
The starter is Mr Edrich, who has
dried out six times in the last week
1347
01:46:00,225 --> 01:46:02,341
trying to get the start of the race going.
1348
01:46:02,425 --> 01:46:05,622
I hope he's successful this time.
There we go. And they're off.
1349
01:46:05,705 --> 01:46:07,696
For them it's a very, very good start.
1350
01:46:07,785 --> 01:46:10,857
I think it's Patrick Riley in the front.
No, he's in the back.
1351
01:46:10,945 --> 01:46:15,735
No, he's in lane three, four and five
and seven, alternately.
1352
01:46:15,825 --> 01:46:17,498
There's John Bluthal, at his best.
1353
01:46:17,585 --> 01:46:21,021
Do you remember him from
Never Mind The Quality, Feel The Width?
1354
01:46:21,105 --> 01:46:22,937
You can see what it can lead to.
1355
01:46:24,065 --> 01:46:28,741
We're just in time for the start of the 100
metres advanced sex maniac's dash.
1356
01:46:28,825 --> 01:46:31,897
There go the hares.
And there they are, warming up.
1357
01:46:31,985 --> 01:46:34,545
If they don't start soon
they'll all go blind.
1358
01:46:34,625 --> 01:46:37,139
It's the start of the race.
And they're off.
1359
01:46:37,225 --> 01:46:41,378
McGee in front, the other three behind.
They're closing rapidly.
1360
01:46:41,465 --> 01:46:44,662
It's anybody's race.
It's a dead heat. It's a dead heat.
1361
01:46:44,745 --> 01:46:49,342
The winners are each given a model of
Linda Lovelace - and a throat spray.
1362
01:46:49,425 --> 01:46:51,621
And now over to the greasy Pole.
1363
01:46:51,705 --> 01:46:54,299
Hello, my little darling.
1364
01:46:56,145 --> 01:47:03,097
Despite hard times, I still promise to pay
the bearer one pound on demand.
1365
01:47:08,145 --> 01:47:10,455
OK, Charles, it's your turn.
1366
01:47:15,305 --> 01:47:18,536
Hello. I'm an artist.
My name is Francis Bacon.
1367
01:47:18,625 --> 01:47:21,265
I'm varnishing this painting.
It is a very exciting life.
1368
01:47:21,345 --> 01:47:22,858
Dibbidy, dib, dab, dab I go.
1369
01:47:45,505 --> 01:47:47,496
Whoa!
1370
01:47:48,225 --> 01:47:51,104
Whoaaaaaaw!
1371
01:47:52,065 --> 01:47:54,295
Left foot to right, to the left.
1372
01:47:54,385 --> 01:47:59,061
My name is Vig... No, I'll get it right.
Let me in, my name is Nubile Gulbenkian.
1373
01:47:59,145 --> 01:48:01,534
I'm afraid this gallery's been shut
ten minutes now.
1374
01:48:01,625 --> 01:48:04,185
That's right,
I'm the late Nubile Gulbenkian.
1375
01:48:06,585 --> 01:48:10,055
I'll... I'll buy that painting.
1376
01:48:10,145 --> 01:48:11,943
- Oh, no, you won't.
- Why not?
1377
01:48:12,025 --> 01:48:14,062
That's not a painting, it's a window.
1378
01:48:15,785 --> 01:48:17,776
- Wait for laugh.
- None here.
1379
01:48:17,865 --> 01:48:20,778
Let's get on with the sketch.
1380
01:48:22,305 --> 01:48:24,296
Ha-ha!
1381
01:48:25,185 --> 01:48:27,096
- Yes?
- I don't like that painting.
1382
01:48:27,185 --> 01:48:28,619
Oh.
1383
01:48:28,705 --> 01:48:30,776
- I don't like that painting!
- Don't worry.
1384
01:48:32,105 --> 01:48:34,619
I don't like that painting.
1385
01:48:34,705 --> 01:48:36,503
- You don't like it?
- One more time.
1386
01:48:36,585 --> 01:48:39,054
I don't like that painting.
1387
01:48:39,145 --> 01:48:41,421
- Don't worry.
- My impression of a woman.
1388
01:48:41,505 --> 01:48:43,542
- That's only the B-side.
- Only the B-side?
1389
01:48:43,625 --> 01:48:48,984
- Let me show you the A-side, etc, etc.
- While this man is showing you the A-side,
1390
01:48:49,065 --> 01:48:51,420
my horse will sing the B-side
of his record.
1391
01:48:51,505 --> 01:48:56,420
♪ Oh, three birds up a mountain
1392
01:48:56,945 --> 01:49:00,540
♪ Each one looking for a thrill
1393
01:49:01,265 --> 01:49:04,144
♪ Cop hold of this great big shepherd
1394
01:49:04,225 --> 01:49:07,217
♪ Look what he's dragging up the hill
1395
01:49:07,305 --> 01:49:09,865
♪ Make it mine!
1396
01:49:10,505 --> 01:49:12,621
♪ Make it mine!
1397
01:49:12,705 --> 01:49:15,265
♪ He came into sublime... ♪
1398
01:49:16,345 --> 01:49:20,259
By Jove, I like that painting.
1399
01:49:20,345 --> 01:49:22,018
£3,000!
1400
01:49:22,105 --> 01:49:24,335
I'll give you £3,000. There.
1401
01:49:24,425 --> 01:49:26,814
Hey, you must be joking.
1402
01:49:26,905 --> 01:49:28,782
- You call that a painting?
- Yes.
1403
01:49:28,865 --> 01:49:31,061
I call that £3,000.
1404
01:49:31,145 --> 01:49:34,183
It's exactly 150 years ago
The Mousetrap opened,
1405
01:49:34,265 --> 01:49:37,576
when Agatha Christie
was just a young man. Er...
1406
01:49:39,865 --> 01:49:45,178
Richard Attenboroughs. The curtain goes up
in minutes two. Synchronise watches.
1407
01:49:45,265 --> 01:49:47,905
Minutes two.
1408
01:49:47,985 --> 01:49:50,818
I have here a telegraph.
1409
01:49:50,905 --> 01:49:56,981
And it reads, "Timing is vital.
I wish I could be with you tonight."
1410
01:49:57,065 --> 01:50:01,616
Signed, "Laurence Olivier, Puss In Boots,
Margate."
1411
01:50:02,825 --> 01:50:04,179
Ohm
1412
01:50:04,265 --> 01:50:07,462
Time to go. Farewell.
1413
01:50:08,305 --> 01:50:10,296
Farewell.
1414
01:50:11,185 --> 01:50:13,176
Farewell.
1415
01:50:13,665 --> 01:50:15,656
And four.
1416
01:50:16,985 --> 01:50:20,216
I wish I was a bad enough actor
to be going with them.
1417
01:50:20,305 --> 01:50:24,094
Oh, they threw everything at us
that night.
1418
01:50:24,825 --> 01:50:27,419
I couldn't let my agent down.
1419
01:50:28,305 --> 01:50:31,138
I can still hear the sound
that kept me going.
1420
01:50:33,505 --> 01:50:35,860
That first week was
touch and go,
1421
01:50:35,945 --> 01:50:38,539
but then British audiences
showed what they were made of.
1422
01:50:38,945 --> 01:50:41,824
Despite the terrible dialogue
and the appalling performances,
1423
01:50:41,905 --> 01:50:43,782
the audiences could not be scared off.
1424
01:50:43,865 --> 01:50:46,983
They came voluntarily
and queued in their thousands.
1425
01:50:47,065 --> 01:50:53,858
Yes, troubled times. Mrs Elaine Grolix
was box office manageress at the time.
1426
01:50:53,945 --> 01:50:57,495
Mrs Elaine Grolix, you were
box office manageress at the time.
1427
01:50:57,585 --> 01:50:59,815
Did this long run
have any effect upon you?
1428
01:50:59,905 --> 01:51:04,103
The porridge is on fire!
The porridge is on fire!
1429
01:51:04,185 --> 01:51:06,938
The porridge is on fire!
1430
01:51:07,025 --> 01:51:08,698
Yes, troubled times.
1431
01:51:08,785 --> 01:51:12,460
Four weeks later, a statement was issued
from No.10 Downing Street.
1432
01:51:12,545 --> 01:51:15,537
And the porridge is on fire.
1433
01:51:15,625 --> 01:51:20,301
Today it's my grave duty...
1434
01:51:20,385 --> 01:51:27,303
...to inform you that The Mousetrap
has been declared a national disaster,
1435
01:51:27,385 --> 01:51:32,585
along with Singapore
and Stafford Cripps.
1436
01:51:33,185 --> 01:51:36,462
But as in other times
of dire emergency... Oww!
1437
01:51:39,105 --> 01:51:42,860
The Royal Family
were first to visit the scene of the disaster.
1438
01:51:42,945 --> 01:51:46,620
Here we see them visiting the Circle Bar
only minutes after the interval.
1439
01:51:46,705 --> 01:51:48,901
Every theatre
was being drained of audiences
1440
01:51:48,985 --> 01:51:50,105
to keep The Mousetrap alive.
1441
01:51:50,185 --> 01:51:52,654
Here we see
planes of Mousetrap Command
1442
01:51:52,745 --> 01:51:56,978
bombing provincial theatres, thus diverting
essential supplies of audiences."
1443
01:51:57,065 --> 01:52:00,023
Watch out Dudley Hippodrome,
you're next.
1444
01:52:00,105 --> 01:52:07,216
No words can describe the suffering and
agony and sheer waste of bloody time
1445
01:52:07,305 --> 01:52:10,980
that those poor audiences suffered
for Agatha.
1446
01:52:11,065 --> 01:52:13,898
You see, it was the blackout.
1447
01:52:13,985 --> 01:52:18,263
They couldn't tell one theatre
from another.
1448
01:52:18,785 --> 01:52:22,574
And once we got them in,
we shut the doors.
1449
01:52:22,665 --> 01:52:25,225
I can still hear the sound
that kept me going.
1450
01:52:30,145 --> 01:52:32,659
By now the losses were staggering.
1451
01:52:32,745 --> 01:52:34,782
The first week £2,000.
1452
01:52:34,865 --> 01:52:38,017
The second week £2,000. It couldn't go on.
1453
01:52:38,105 --> 01:52:41,655
There was only one thing to do to save
the day, and that was to send for me.
1454
01:52:41,745 --> 01:52:43,975
And so I sent for me.
1455
01:52:44,065 --> 01:52:47,501
And all the charabanc parties,
there was no stopping them.
1456
01:52:47,585 --> 01:52:50,703
And then a new menace.
A shortage of actors.
1457
01:52:50,785 --> 01:52:52,822
After 20 years in the same play,
they'd had it.
1458
01:52:52,905 --> 01:52:55,943
There was only one thing to save the day.
That was to send for me.
1459
01:52:56,025 --> 01:52:57,743
And so I sent for me.
1460
01:52:57,825 --> 01:52:59,816
Oh, 0h.
1461
01:53:01,425 --> 01:53:04,941
I'm walking up and down
because the audience say it's funnier.
1462
01:53:08,745 --> 01:53:11,180
Cut. Now the news.
1463
01:53:13,425 --> 01:53:17,703
This is The Mousetrap
calling to the free theatres of Europe.
1464
01:53:17,785 --> 01:53:21,699
For the third night running, actors of
the B company, at Penn Cemetery,
1465
01:53:21,785 --> 01:53:24,425
acted before an audience of over three.
1466
01:53:24,505 --> 01:53:27,975
What? What's that? What's that?
1467
01:53:28,065 --> 01:53:31,296
However, they're getting paid no more
than three in a night.
1468
01:53:31,385 --> 01:53:35,458
“Agatha Christie,
16ft high and smothered in red hair...
1469
01:53:35,545 --> 01:53:37,980
- It's a telegram.
- Telegram. Give it to me.
1470
01:53:38,065 --> 01:53:40,864
It's a telegram for me.
Who keeps sticking it down?
1471
01:53:48,425 --> 01:53:52,817
- It's his call-up papers for The Mousetrap.
- Ah, he's too young to go.
1472
01:53:52,905 --> 01:53:55,419
Don't worry, darling,
it will all be over by Christmas.
1473
01:53:55,505 --> 01:53:57,781
Ooh.
1474
01:53:57,865 --> 01:53:59,344
- But, Daddy...
- Daddy?
1475
01:53:59,425 --> 01:54:03,100
They said that in 1939, and it's been
running for 50 bloody years.
1476
01:54:03,185 --> 01:54:05,335
- Yes.
- They don't know how to take if off.
1477
01:54:05,425 --> 01:54:08,781
You're dead right. I'm sorry I came
in too soon. However, it says,
1478
01:54:08,865 --> 01:54:12,221
"Yugoslav guerrillas hold up train,
and force third-class passengers
1479
01:54:12,305 --> 01:54:14,945
to listen to The Mousetrap
at pistol point."
1480
01:54:15,025 --> 01:54:19,701
- They say they're going to do it in China.
- Do you mean the Mao Tse-tung Trap?
1481
01:54:24,425 --> 01:54:26,416
Don't buy any more of that Irish butter, Ma.
1482
01:54:29,985 --> 01:54:34,456
Today, on this,
the 150th anniversary of The Mousetrap,
1483
01:54:34,545 --> 01:54:37,014
we join the survivors at a celebration
1484
01:54:37,105 --> 01:54:39,096
at Highgate Cemetery! Agh!
1485
01:54:42,225 --> 01:54:43,374
Agh!
1486
01:54:43,465 --> 01:54:48,938
Ah, ah, 'twas a far, far better...
1487
01:54:49,025 --> 01:54:50,174
Ohh! Ohh!
1488
01:54:50,265 --> 01:54:57,183
They shall not grow old,
as we grow Old Compton Street.
1489
01:54:57,825 --> 01:55:02,774
At the rising of the fire curtain
and the lowering of the takings,
1490
01:55:03,385 --> 01:55:07,697
Agatha Christie will remember them,
and I... I... I...
1491
01:55:51,505 --> 01:55:53,496
Now!
1492
01:55:59,105 --> 01:56:01,745
It's catching on, you know?
1493
01:56:05,494 --> 01:56:08,327
(Women SCREAM)
1494
01:56:16,854 --> 01:56:18,367
One of the big ones.
1495
01:56:47,734 --> 01:56:50,453
Love Theme from Romeo and Juliet
1496
01:57:04,894 --> 01:57:09,172
- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Q6.
- You're welcome to it too, mate!
1497
01:57:09,254 --> 01:57:11,245
Who said that?
1498
01:57:15,254 --> 01:57:17,404
It's from Princess Anne.
1499
01:57:18,494 --> 01:57:20,132
"Spike, my darling.
1500
01:57:20,214 --> 01:57:22,774
Wear this for me always."
1501
01:57:33,574 --> 01:57:35,850
Isn't royalty wonderful, folks?
1502
01:57:35,934 --> 01:57:37,493
Thank you, Princess Anne.
1503
01:57:37,574 --> 01:57:41,283
And Mark, don't take it too hard.
There's always the horses.
1504
01:57:41,374 --> 01:57:44,093
- This way to romance, Anne.
- First service.
1505
01:57:44,174 --> 01:57:46,688
Yes, that's right, first service. New balls.
1506
01:57:46,774 --> 01:57:48,333
Play a let.
1507
01:57:48,414 --> 01:57:49,848
I said, play a let.
1508
01:57:49,934 --> 01:57:52,084
It's first service and new balls.
1509
01:57:52,174 --> 01:57:54,324
That's right. No, it is not 30-40.
1510
01:57:54,414 --> 01:57:56,007
Play a let!
1511
01:57:56,094 --> 01:57:58,608
New balls. First service.
1512
01:57:58,694 --> 01:58:03,530
Yes, that's what I said.
Ladies and gentlemen, quiet, please. Quiet.
1513
01:58:03,614 --> 01:58:07,130
- New balls. First service. Play a...
- Oh!
1514
01:58:07,214 --> 01:58:08,363
Play.
1515
01:58:11,774 --> 01:58:18,771
♪ Only a nose I give you
1516
01:58:18,854 --> 01:58:24,566
♪ Only a nose growing only
1517
01:58:25,414 --> 01:58:28,247
I've always loved you, Anne.
I've always loved you
1518
01:58:28,334 --> 01:58:29,972
and your horses.
1519
01:58:31,214 --> 01:58:37,130
♪ Only a nose to keep a memory
1520
01:58:38,174 --> 01:58:44,250
♪ Until we meet another night
1521
01:58:45,374 --> 01:58:47,092
Hello!
1522
01:58:48,134 --> 01:58:50,523
My name is Alan Clare.
1523
01:58:50,614 --> 01:58:53,367
I heard a lovely joke today.
1524
01:58:57,014 --> 01:58:58,971
I've forgotten it.
1525
01:58:59,054 --> 01:59:04,083
♪ Only a nose to whisper
1526
01:59:05,174 --> 01:59:09,771
♪ Blushing as roses do
1527
01:59:11,854 --> 01:59:19,045
♪ I bring along a smile and a song
for any-oooone
1528
01:59:19,934 --> 01:59:23,404
I'm a personal friend of Spike Littletills.
1529
01:59:23,494 --> 01:59:27,169
I don't know her,
but the day can't be too far off.
1530
01:59:27,254 --> 01:59:30,087
♪ Only a ro-nose
1531
01:59:30,174 --> 01:59:33,530
♪ For you ♪
1532
01:59:44,014 --> 01:59:47,769
I like playing for him.
He's always got these novel endings.
1533
01:59:47,854 --> 01:59:50,414
First service. Play a let.
1534
01:59:50,494 --> 01:59:53,054
New balls. I said, new balls.
1535
01:59:53,134 --> 01:59:55,728
First service. Play a let. It is not the...
1536
01:59:55,814 --> 01:59:58,090
All right, I'll have my strawberries later.
1537
01:59:58,174 --> 02:00:00,450
You'll get your raspberry now.
1538
02:00:17,054 --> 02:00:19,250
I'll raise you ten Green Shield stamps,
1539
02:00:21,814 --> 02:00:23,805
a pawn ticket...
1540
02:00:25,854 --> 02:00:28,653
...and the old woman's truss.
1541
02:00:31,654 --> 02:00:34,328
- Too much for me, mate.
- Me too.
1542
02:00:34,414 --> 02:00:36,530
Well, you ain't frightening me.
1543
02:00:37,894 --> 02:00:39,885
One Marmite,
1544
02:00:40,894 --> 02:00:43,283
two anchovy...
1545
02:00:43,374 --> 02:00:44,773
and paste.
1546
02:01:07,174 --> 02:01:09,893
All right. I'm raising you...
1547
02:01:12,374 --> 02:01:15,366
One...
1548
02:01:16,934 --> 02:01:20,723
For God's sake, somebody stop them!
1549
02:01:20,814 --> 02:01:22,487
Well, we have stopped them for his...
1550
02:01:22,574 --> 02:01:24,292
We have stopped them for his sake.
1551
02:01:25,734 --> 02:01:28,453
We'll be coming back to that sketch
when we feel like it.
1552
02:01:30,534 --> 02:01:35,893
I say, did you know it was illegal
to be over six foot tall in Lewisham?
1553
02:01:37,814 --> 02:01:41,853
If you do not believe me, I will give you
experience of an actual case
1554
02:01:41,934 --> 02:01:45,768
that happened to an ordinary constable
of England on the beat.
1555
02:01:45,854 --> 02:01:47,925
Knock-knock in the absence of a knocker.
1556
02:01:51,454 --> 02:01:55,334
- Good morning, er... Mrs Terrible?
- Yes.
1557
02:01:55,414 --> 02:01:57,052
The wife of Ivan Terrible,
1558
02:01:57,134 --> 02:01:59,489
the bloke who works on the oil rigs
1559
02:01:59,574 --> 02:02:01,850
in the North Sea in shark-infested waters
1560
02:02:01,934 --> 02:02:03,447
in Force 9 gales?
1561
02:02:03,534 --> 02:02:06,845
Yes! Is it bad news?
1562
02:02:07,654 --> 02:02:09,884
Yes, very bad news, madam.
1563
02:02:09,974 --> 02:02:12,614
My wife's run off with a burglar.
1564
02:02:18,494 --> 02:02:20,770
I'll give you some good news.
1565
02:02:20,854 --> 02:02:24,085
Princess Anne will be 25
on 15th August.
1566
02:02:30,054 --> 02:02:32,443
Do you know? I feel better already!
1567
02:02:33,614 --> 02:02:36,527
I wonder if these men know that.
Pardon me.
1568
02:02:36,614 --> 02:02:39,606
Did you know that Princess Anne
will be 15th on 3rd December?
1569
02:02:41,694 --> 02:02:43,367
Who are these men?
1570
02:02:43,454 --> 02:02:46,333
Well, the one that's being strangled
is my lodger.
1571
02:02:46,414 --> 02:02:49,611
- I don't know the other two.
- Strangled?
1572
02:02:49,694 --> 02:02:51,924
That word strikes a chord.
1573
02:02:53,854 --> 02:02:56,414
Watch it. He's got a whistle.
1574
02:03:08,534 --> 02:03:11,606
Argh! Copper!
1575
02:03:11,694 --> 02:03:14,812
Copper, don't blow any more.
We've had enough. We're coming out.
1576
02:03:14,894 --> 02:03:19,206
All right. Throw out your whistles and come
out with your hands over your ears.
1577
02:03:30,054 --> 02:03:32,409
I have made a terrible mistake.
1578
02:03:32,494 --> 02:03:34,804
These men are plain-clothes policemen,
1579
02:03:34,894 --> 02:03:37,807
apprehending a plain-clothes criminal.
1580
02:03:37,894 --> 02:03:40,568
I'm six feet tall in a five-foot-nine zone.
1581
02:03:40,654 --> 02:03:44,852
That's breaking the laws, the district laws.
Height laws.
1582
02:03:44,934 --> 02:03:50,646
Therefore I must caution you that you are
exceeding the laws by inches three.
1583
02:03:50,734 --> 02:03:52,213
I want to see a lawyer.
1584
02:03:52,294 --> 02:03:54,649
Oh, there's one up in that window there.
1585
02:03:56,934 --> 02:03:59,323
- It's Arnold Palmer!
- Arnold Palmer?
1586
02:04:00,374 --> 02:04:03,969
Here, he's doing it in the Ryder Cup!
1587
02:04:06,774 --> 02:04:09,846
There's far too much of this doing it
in the Ryder Cup.
1588
02:04:09,934 --> 02:04:14,292
Therefore I must take a positive hand
in meting out the son of justice
1589
02:04:14,374 --> 02:04:17,651
that we people...
1590
02:04:21,734 --> 02:04:24,806
Ah! This is Alan Clare.
1591
02:04:24,894 --> 02:04:27,966
And this is a palm tree in the bloody way!
1592
02:04:30,454 --> 02:04:34,163
And he's going to play
one of his own compositions,
1593
02:04:34,254 --> 02:04:35,847
John O'Groats.
1594
02:04:35,934 --> 02:04:39,245
And I am going to walk left
and wonder what it's all about.
1595
02:04:39,334 --> 02:04:41,723
I tell you, I cannot understand
what it's about.
1596
02:06:58,414 --> 02:07:06,414
M'lud, my client admits
being six foot in a five-foot-nine area.
1597
02:07:07,454 --> 02:07:11,243
He does! Indeed he does!
1598
02:07:11,334 --> 02:07:12,563
Oww!
1599
02:07:14,894 --> 02:07:17,534
I will not have overacting in my court!
1600
02:07:17,614 --> 02:07:20,128
Game of geer, game of geer!
1601
02:07:21,614 --> 02:07:25,528
- I appeal to camera three.
- It's the only thing you'll appeal to tonight!
1602
02:07:27,094 --> 02:07:30,405
My client claims mitigating circumstances.
1603
02:07:30,494 --> 02:07:32,724
Your client claims mitigating circumstances.
1604
02:07:32,814 --> 02:07:35,249
- Yes, mitigating circumstances.
- What, what?
1605
02:07:35,334 --> 02:07:37,484
He was inebriated
and lost control of his height.
1606
02:07:37,574 --> 02:07:39,292
Lost control of his height?
1607
02:07:39,374 --> 02:07:42,685
- Did you get a doctor's report?
- No, I got a builder's estimate.
1608
02:07:42,774 --> 02:07:44,685
- Why?
- It was cheaper.
1609
02:07:45,974 --> 02:07:48,124
Can a lady with a wooden leg
change a pound note?
1610
02:07:48,214 --> 02:07:49,284
Yes!
1611
02:07:49,374 --> 02:07:51,331
- Why not?
- She's only got half a nicker!
1612
02:07:56,174 --> 02:07:58,529
Stop!
I will not have canned laughter in my court
1613
02:07:59,894 --> 02:08:02,807
Now, then, why is your clint...
1614
02:08:02,894 --> 02:08:04,851
wearing that ridiculous nose?
1615
02:08:04,934 --> 02:08:07,369
You see, m'lud,
he's in love with Princess Anne!
1616
02:08:07,454 --> 02:08:09,525
I see. He's in love with Princess Anne.
1617
02:08:09,614 --> 02:08:12,527
- Is that why you're wearing one?
- Yes, m'lud.
1618
02:08:12,614 --> 02:08:15,083
- Why is yours bigger?
- I've known her longer.
1619
02:08:18,254 --> 02:08:20,814
Ronald Biggs, of no fixed underwear,
1620
02:08:22,334 --> 02:08:25,804
you are accused of being illegally tall
in Lewisham.
1621
02:08:25,894 --> 02:08:27,293
Pray, how do you plead?
1622
02:08:27,374 --> 02:08:30,651
Well, I plead like this.
1623
02:08:30,734 --> 02:08:33,965
I've got a wife and ten kids to support.
1624
02:08:34,054 --> 02:08:36,204
And she's in the club again.
1625
02:08:36,294 --> 02:08:40,174
I was at Dunkirk. I had it shot off.
1626
02:08:40,254 --> 02:08:42,450
Thank God!
1627
02:08:43,454 --> 02:08:47,084
I'm sorry, your plea has failed to get
the maximum number of points
1628
02:08:47,174 --> 02:08:49,006
for the Actor of the Year award.
1629
02:08:50,014 --> 02:08:54,406
So therefore, Ronald Biggs, inside leg 32,
1630
02:08:54,494 --> 02:08:59,011
I sentence you to be hung by the neck
until you are inside leg 79.
1631
02:09:01,254 --> 02:09:06,249
- How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
- I am innocent! I am innocent!
1632
02:09:09,174 --> 02:09:13,008
M'lud, my client has gone to a higher court
1633
02:09:14,654 --> 02:09:18,124
- I say, my client has gone to a...
- You're totting up with the laughs.
1634
02:09:20,294 --> 02:09:22,205
I want you to laugh with the audience.
1635
02:09:22,294 --> 02:09:24,410
- Now look here...
- If you want jokes like it...
1636
02:09:24,494 --> 02:09:28,613
- Wait a minute. The line was...
- Put your nose there.
1637
02:09:31,494 --> 02:09:33,212
My client has gone to a higher court!
1638
02:09:33,294 --> 02:09:35,012
I say, my dog's got no nose.
1639
02:09:35,094 --> 02:09:36,892
- How does he smell?
- Terrible!
1640
02:09:39,214 --> 02:09:40,966
- Put your nose there!
- Ow!
1641
02:09:41,054 --> 02:09:45,093
Two bishops were lying in bed.
Which bishop wore the nightie?
1642
02:09:45,174 --> 02:09:48,883
- I don't know. Which one wore the nightie?
- Mrs Bishop.
1643
02:09:48,974 --> 02:09:51,853
Listen to me. How do you burn
an Irishman's ear?
1644
02:09:59,454 --> 02:10:01,127
I'll raise you a bottle of brown...
1645
02:10:04,734 --> 02:10:06,372
...and a quarter of bacon.
1646
02:10:10,334 --> 02:10:13,053
Here, they've stopped the music.
1647
02:10:18,254 --> 02:10:22,009
This is the nerve centre of England's fight
against vermin of all types.
1648
02:10:22,094 --> 02:10:24,768
Inside, a myriad of activities.
1649
02:10:24,854 --> 02:10:27,767
What is that?
1650
02:10:27,854 --> 02:10:29,652
That is a pointing stick.
1651
02:10:31,694 --> 02:10:33,731
Ah. Operator Robert Redford.
1652
02:10:34,894 --> 02:10:35,964
That is a rat
1653
02:10:36,054 --> 02:10:37,727
and a rat is a vermin.
1654
02:10:38,814 --> 02:10:41,090
The Rat by Robert Redford.
1655
02:10:41,174 --> 02:10:45,884
The rat is a vermin, something that
I should kill, thud, wallop, blat!
1656
02:10:47,974 --> 02:10:50,170
Very good.
1657
02:10:50,254 --> 02:10:53,167
Now, what is that?
1658
02:10:53,254 --> 02:10:55,450
That is still a pointing stick.
1659
02:10:55,534 --> 02:10:57,252
Sir! Sir! Sir!
1660
02:10:57,334 --> 02:10:59,325
Operator Prince Philip.
1661
02:11:01,254 --> 02:11:03,723
That is a wasp.
1662
02:11:03,814 --> 02:11:08,047
Now, The Wasp by Prince Philip.
1663
02:11:08,134 --> 02:11:11,092
The wasp, it is a naughty thing.
1664
02:11:11,174 --> 02:11:13,688
And in its bum, it has a sting.
1665
02:11:15,734 --> 02:11:17,168
Very good.
1666
02:11:17,254 --> 02:11:20,451
Now, then, all close your eyes.
1667
02:11:21,774 --> 02:11:25,210
Open.
1668
02:11:25,294 --> 02:11:27,205
Very good reactions.
1669
02:11:27,294 --> 02:11:30,685
- But this is only a dummy.
- Oh...
1670
02:11:30,774 --> 02:11:34,130
Now, then, Operator Paul Newman,
1671
02:11:34,214 --> 02:11:38,685
come forward and demonstrate the kill.
1672
02:11:38,774 --> 02:11:41,846
The Kill by Paul Newman.
1673
02:11:43,094 --> 02:11:46,928
First, place the mouse in the trap.
1674
02:11:48,094 --> 02:11:50,085
Then...
1675
02:11:58,974 --> 02:12:01,727
Hello. Vermin Control at your service.
1676
02:12:03,854 --> 02:12:06,892
Hello. Vermin Control at your service.
1677
02:12:06,974 --> 02:12:09,329
Hello? Vermin Control at your service.
1678
02:12:09,414 --> 02:12:11,883
Hello?
Vermin Control at your service.
1679
02:12:16,294 --> 02:12:19,525
Hello. I have picked it up.
1680
02:12:19,614 --> 02:12:22,811
Hello. This is Queen Elizabeth ll.
1681
02:12:22,894 --> 02:12:24,885
Hello, Your Majesty.
1682
02:12:26,094 --> 02:12:28,483
I've got vermin in my throne room!
1683
02:12:28,574 --> 02:12:33,284
Royal vermin!
This could mean the big time for us!
1684
02:12:34,294 --> 02:12:35,728
Hello, Your Majesty.
1685
02:12:35,814 --> 02:12:39,967
I'll send a man round there right away
tomorrow morning.
1686
02:12:43,134 --> 02:12:45,489
Where's the light switch?
1687
02:12:45,574 --> 02:12:47,087
Well?
1688
02:12:47,174 --> 02:12:49,927
- Hello, Your Majesty? Are you still there?
- Yes.
1689
02:12:50,014 --> 02:12:52,654
These are not mice.
1690
02:12:53,654 --> 02:12:56,373
- Can I be frank with you?
- Let me have it.
1691
02:12:56,454 --> 02:12:58,047
Later.
1692
02:13:00,254 --> 02:13:05,772
You are suffering
from a plague of Liberaces.
1693
02:13:05,854 --> 02:13:08,573
Liberaces? Huh! I'd rather have rats!
1694
02:13:08,654 --> 02:13:11,692
- She'd rather have rats!
- Hello. Vermin Control at your service
1695
02:13:11,774 --> 02:13:14,050
Hello, Vermin... Hello, Vermin...
1696
02:13:14,134 --> 02:13:15,488
Oh!
1697
02:13:15,574 --> 02:13:16,689
Look!
1698
02:13:17,734 --> 02:13:19,725
This is where they're getting in!
1699
02:13:22,694 --> 02:13:24,492
What causes Liberaces?
1700
02:13:24,574 --> 02:13:26,770
An innate hatred of music.
1701
02:13:28,814 --> 02:13:33,888
Thank you. And also they are attracted
by any clothes with glitter or spangles.
1702
02:13:33,974 --> 02:13:36,363
- Have you got any of them?
- Well...
1703
02:13:36,454 --> 02:13:40,163
I am wearing several pairs of spangled
Gary Glitter knickers.
1704
02:13:48,654 --> 02:13:50,611
See, that's what attracts them.
1705
02:13:50,694 --> 02:13:53,766
There's only one cure for Liberaces.
1706
02:13:53,854 --> 02:13:56,243
That is the Jewish piano.
1707
02:14:02,014 --> 02:14:04,528
Another triumph for
the Catford Vermin Squad.
1708
02:14:07,814 --> 02:14:09,487
Ow! Here...
1709
02:14:19,254 --> 02:14:22,485
Did you know you've got assassins
in your skirting?
1710
02:14:25,454 --> 02:14:27,570
- Would you like a happy ending?
- Yeah.
1711
02:14:27,654 --> 02:14:30,407
Upstairs on the bed, then!
1712
02:14:30,494 --> 02:14:33,008
- What's wrong with the hall?
- It needs wallpapering.
1713
02:14:33,094 --> 02:14:34,653
I'll do that as well.
1714
02:14:35,094 --> 02:14:39,964
I'll raise you one pre-war 50-bob overcoat.
1715
02:14:40,054 --> 02:14:42,648
I'm seeing you.
1716
02:14:42,734 --> 02:14:45,374
Can anyone see me?
1717
02:14:45,454 --> 02:14:47,445
Pay Pontoons only.
1718
02:14:48,894 --> 02:14:50,123
Eric?
1719
02:14:51,574 --> 02:14:54,088
Jim?
1720
02:14:54,174 --> 02:14:56,165
Tom?
1721
02:14:58,254 --> 02:15:01,133
Lazarus, I'll pay Pontoons only.
1722
02:15:01,214 --> 02:15:02,329
Pontoons only.
1723
02:15:11,974 --> 02:15:13,373
Yes, sir?
1724
02:15:13,454 --> 02:15:15,365
I'm getting married in the morning.
1725
02:15:15,454 --> 02:15:17,968
Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime!
1726
02:15:18,054 --> 02:15:19,852
- I'd like to hire a photographer.
- Ohh!
1727
02:15:19,934 --> 02:15:22,528
Yes, sir. What is the address of the church?
1728
02:15:22,614 --> 02:15:23,888
She's fainted!
1729
02:15:23,974 --> 02:15:25,965
She's...
1730
02:15:27,254 --> 02:15:28,483
...fain-ted.
1731
02:15:28,574 --> 02:15:33,125
- That's a strange address for a church, sir.
- No, I mean the girl has fainted!
1732
02:15:33,214 --> 02:15:34,409
So she has.
1733
02:15:34,494 --> 02:15:36,770
Thank heavens the ground broke her fall.
1734
02:15:36,854 --> 02:15:39,209
What is the name of the church, sir?
1735
02:15:39,294 --> 02:15:41,854
St Mary Le Grand.
Aren't you going to help her?
1736
02:15:41,934 --> 02:15:44,528
No, sir. Buni-sess before pleasure.
1737
02:15:44,614 --> 02:15:47,572
But if you want to help her,
just loosen the clothing round the neck
1738
02:15:47,654 --> 02:15:49,691
and massage under the head.
1739
02:15:52,934 --> 02:15:54,083
She's not responding.
1740
02:15:54,174 --> 02:15:56,245
No, sir, that is because she's unconscience.
1741
02:15:56,334 --> 02:15:58,211
Try giving her the kiss of life.
1742
02:15:58,294 --> 02:16:00,285
That's it.
1743
02:16:01,654 --> 02:16:03,133
Look this way.
1744
02:16:05,334 --> 02:16:07,325
That'll look very nice
in the News of the World.
1745
02:16:07,414 --> 02:16:10,406
"Chief of Police ravishes girl
with big knockers on the floor."
1746
02:16:11,014 --> 02:16:12,971
How did you know I was the Chief of Police?
1747
02:16:13,054 --> 02:16:14,965
I saw the captions coming up earlier on, sir.
1748
02:16:16,014 --> 02:16:18,813
- Give me that camera! I'll give you £20.
- That is a bribe.
1749
02:16:18,894 --> 02:16:20,612
- £50.
- That is a deal.
1750
02:16:30,574 --> 02:16:33,134
- Oh... Oh...
- Oh dear, oh dear.
1751
02:16:33,214 --> 02:16:36,445
- Fuel crisis grows.
- Oh dear. Moan moan.
1752
02:16:36,534 --> 02:16:40,493
- 1975 groans and moans.
- Moan moan, dear, oh dear.
1753
02:16:40,574 --> 02:16:45,045
Oh-oh, £6 limit pay rise groans.
1754
02:16:45,134 --> 02:16:50,083
Knock, knock, on the new "BBC in
terrible financial trouble" economy set.
1755
02:16:50,974 --> 02:16:52,487
Woof woof!
1756
02:16:59,854 --> 02:17:01,606
Oh... Woof woof woof!
1757
02:17:03,654 --> 02:17:05,213
Woof.
1758
02:17:05,294 --> 02:17:07,092
Miaow miaow miaow!
1759
02:17:07,854 --> 02:17:11,973
Here, darling. There is enough room
to swing a cat in here.
1760
02:17:12,054 --> 02:17:14,853
Miaow miaow miaow! Splat!
1761
02:17:17,934 --> 02:17:20,244
There's somebody at the door.
1762
02:17:20,334 --> 02:17:21,449
I'm not daft.
1763
02:17:21,534 --> 02:17:22,888
Aren't you?
1764
02:17:23,934 --> 02:17:25,333
Come in.
1765
02:17:26,614 --> 02:17:28,844
It's Roy Jenkins,
1766
02:17:28,934 --> 02:17:31,289
Minister of Flour on Coat.
1767
02:17:32,894 --> 02:17:34,453
You are a working-class couple.
1768
02:17:34,534 --> 02:17:37,128
No, I am a working-class couple.
She isn't.
1769
02:17:38,174 --> 02:17:41,132
You have three plastic ducks
crawling up the wall.
1770
02:17:41,214 --> 02:17:43,410
You have a china Alsatian dog
in the window.
1771
02:17:43,494 --> 02:17:46,805
And you have a signed photo of
Bed Weedon on the mintelpoose...
1772
02:17:48,294 --> 02:17:52,413
...tankelpete, dot dot dot,
question mark, snells.
1773
02:17:52,494 --> 02:17:54,371
And we must get a new typist.
1774
02:17:55,654 --> 02:18:00,285
I agree, dot dot, question mark,
dollar sign, asterisk, I agree.
1775
02:18:01,334 --> 02:18:03,848
I am acting the part of
the Minister of the Environment,
1776
02:18:03,934 --> 02:18:07,131
rather like Anthony Crosland
is acting it at the moment.
1777
02:18:08,134 --> 02:18:10,728
These are not happy times, Roy.
1778
02:18:13,254 --> 02:18:16,087
Do you think?
We are certainly very concerned
1779
02:18:16,174 --> 02:18:18,609
about the strain of living in 1976.
1780
02:18:18,694 --> 02:18:24,167
It's a terrible strain.
I have lumps in my groils.
1781
02:18:24,254 --> 02:18:26,211
Dong dong dong dong!
1782
02:18:27,654 --> 02:18:29,406
The wife is wearing a truss.
1783
02:18:29,494 --> 02:18:31,451
Dong dong dong dong!
1784
02:18:31,534 --> 02:18:33,810
You know what I'm wearing for shirts?
1785
02:18:33,894 --> 02:18:36,010
Her bloomers with collars sewn on.
1786
02:18:37,414 --> 02:18:39,530
Sailors are following me home.
1787
02:18:39,614 --> 02:18:42,891
Tell me, do you think we were happier
during the war years?
1788
02:18:44,574 --> 02:18:49,603
♪ There'll be bluebirds over
1789
02:18:49,694 --> 02:18:53,005
♪ The white cliffs of Snulfrig Water ♪
1790
02:18:53,094 --> 02:18:56,086
I have good news for these two
courageous people.
1791
02:18:56,174 --> 02:18:59,883
Harold Wilson has just given the go-ahead
to bring back World War ll.
1792
02:19:01,374 --> 02:19:05,254
Report this, dot, dollar sign,
half...
1793
02:19:06,814 --> 02:19:08,213
Listen.
1794
02:19:09,254 --> 02:19:11,814
It's the good old air raid!
1795
02:19:11,894 --> 02:19:14,966
We can get engaged again!
1796
02:19:15,054 --> 02:19:17,364
And again! And again!
1797
02:19:17,454 --> 02:19:22,847
♪ There'll be bluebirds over ♪
1798
02:19:22,934 --> 02:19:24,811
♪ Knees up, Mother Brown
1799
02:19:24,894 --> 02:19:28,205
♪ Under the table you must go
Ee-aye, ee-aye, ee-aye-oh ♪
1800
02:19:28,294 --> 02:19:31,332
Hey, look, everybody! It's Fred and Molly!
1801
02:19:31,414 --> 02:19:33,371
Hello, Fred, Molly!
1802
02:19:33,454 --> 02:19:36,810
♪ Roll out the barrel
1803
02:19:36,894 --> 02:19:40,330
♪ We'll have a barrel of laughs
1804
02:19:40,414 --> 02:19:43,645
♪ Roll out the barrel
1805
02:19:43,734 --> 02:19:47,443
♪ We've got the blues on the run
1806
02:19:47,534 --> 02:19:50,287
♪ Zing! Boom! The barrel ♪
1807
02:19:52,934 --> 02:19:55,813
Listen! It's the good old Luftwaffe!
1808
02:19:55,894 --> 02:19:57,168
Hooray!
1809
02:19:59,214 --> 02:20:01,330
Good to be back, Tommy!
1810
02:20:02,694 --> 02:20:06,085
♪ Underneath the lamplights
Three-quarters and a half... ♪
1811
02:20:15,294 --> 02:20:17,365
Whatever the cost may be,
1812
02:20:17,454 --> 02:20:19,127
we shall fight them on the beaches...
1813
02:20:19,214 --> 02:20:22,570
On the beaches! Hooray!
1814
02:20:22,654 --> 02:20:25,214
And I would say to the House,
1815
02:20:25,294 --> 02:20:29,253
as I have said
to those who have joined this government,
1816
02:20:29,334 --> 02:20:31,894
I have nothing to offer but blood...
1817
02:20:31,974 --> 02:20:35,569
Blood, sweat and tears! Hooray!
1818
02:20:35,654 --> 02:20:38,851
♪ Knees up, Mother Brown
Knees up, Mother Brown
1819
02:20:38,934 --> 02:20:42,165
♪ Under the table you must go
Ee-aye, ee-aye, ee-aye-oh
1820
02:20:46,374 --> 02:20:49,093
That is the good old doodlebug!
1821
02:20:49,174 --> 02:20:50,812
Yay!
1822
02:20:50,894 --> 02:20:52,407
The doodlebug! The doodlebug!
1823
02:20:52,494 --> 02:20:55,134
♪ Knees up, Mother Brown
Knees up, Mother Brown
1824
02:20:55,214 --> 02:20:58,013
♪ Under the table you must go
Ee-aye, ee-aye, ee-aye-oh
1825
02:20:58,094 --> 02:21:00,688
♪ If I catch you bending...
1826
02:21:04,614 --> 02:21:08,847
I'm terribly sorry. It's the all-clear.
1827
02:21:08,934 --> 02:21:11,289
Just when we were beginning
to enjoy ourselves.
1828
02:21:11,374 --> 02:21:13,809
Never mind that.
I bet you a punch and a pinch of snuff
1829
02:21:13,894 --> 02:21:16,124
- they're back tomorrow night.
- Hooray!
1830
02:21:16,214 --> 02:21:18,046
Here is an announcement.
1831
02:21:18,134 --> 02:21:21,843
♪ There'll be bluebirds over
the white...
1832
02:21:21,934 --> 02:21:24,528
- Hello, darling! Are you enjoying it?
- Yes!
1833
02:21:24,614 --> 02:21:26,571
♪ There'll be bluebirds over... ♪
1834
02:21:26,654 --> 02:21:31,569
'Ere, it must be time for good old Dunkirk!
I don't want to miss that.
1835
02:21:31,654 --> 02:21:33,292
You did last time!
1836
02:21:33,374 --> 02:21:36,605
♪ Just you wait and see ♪
1837
02:21:36,694 --> 02:21:40,369
♪ Who do you think you're kidding, Mr Hitler
1838
02:21:40,454 --> 02:21:42,491
♪ When you see the day's done? ♪
1839
02:21:44,934 --> 02:21:48,245
- Rommel!
- Montgomery! It's good to see you!
1840
02:21:48,334 --> 02:21:52,123
♪ Underneath the lamplight
above the village square ♪
1841
02:21:52,214 --> 02:21:54,125
Here, Rom, is this good old Dunkirk?
1842
02:21:54,214 --> 02:21:57,013
Nein! This is good old breakthrough
in Tobruk.
1843
02:21:57,094 --> 02:22:00,212
- Good old Dunkirk is number nine!
- Oh!
1844
02:22:00,294 --> 02:22:01,807
♪ Underneath the lamplight ♪
1845
02:22:01,894 --> 02:22:03,885
♪ Who do you think you're kidding,
Mr Hitler... ♪
1846
02:22:09,694 --> 02:22:11,412
Is this the er... Dunkirk?
1847
02:22:11,494 --> 02:22:16,204
Yes. Zey are in ze front room,
you naughty boy!
1848
02:22:21,534 --> 02:22:23,047
♪ ..gun, gun, gun
1849
02:22:23,134 --> 02:22:25,853
- Oh, Lord Longford!
- Prince Philip!
1850
02:22:25,934 --> 02:22:28,847
You're just in time for Adolph Hitler's
big number!
1851
02:22:28,934 --> 02:22:31,892
- Hooray!
- Sit down.
1852
02:22:31,974 --> 02:22:33,806
♪ The Lambeth Walk
1853
02:23:16,294 --> 02:23:19,685
I'm just back from good old Dunkirk.
1854
02:23:19,774 --> 02:23:23,210
Oh, lovely! Have we got our backs
against the wall again?
1855
02:23:23,294 --> 02:23:25,046
Yeah.
1856
02:23:25,134 --> 02:23:28,729
Listen, here comes a good old V2 rocket.
1857
02:23:28,814 --> 02:23:32,125
I'll just go and put the kettle on.
1858
02:23:34,294 --> 02:23:37,446
I haven't been so happy for years, Molly.
Have you?
1859
02:23:37,534 --> 02:23:39,332
No, it's lovely.
1860
02:23:39,414 --> 02:23:42,770
♪ We'll meet again
1861
02:23:42,854 --> 02:23:45,130
♪ Don't know where
1862
02:23:45,214 --> 02:23:47,490
♪ Don't know when... ♪
1863
02:23:47,574 --> 02:23:52,728
And now... a thought... to take you to bed.
1864
02:24:40,294 --> 02:24:42,285
Pontoons only.
1865
02:24:43,574 --> 02:24:45,565
Pontoons only.
1866
02:24:48,934 --> 02:24:51,323
Pontoons only, sir.
1867
02:24:51,414 --> 02:24:53,769
- What have you got there?
- Pontoons.
1868
02:24:53,854 --> 02:24:55,606
Pontoons only.
1869
02:25:59,568 --> 02:26:03,721
Hel... Hel... Hel-Io, dar-ling.
1870
02:26:03,808 --> 02:26:05,799
I'm home.
1871
02:26:11,208 --> 02:26:13,199
You're late tonight.
1872
02:26:15,688 --> 02:26:17,725
I'm sor-ry I'm late.
1873
02:26:18,368 --> 02:26:20,962
The tubes were full of com-muters.
1874
02:26:23,208 --> 02:26:25,040
Well, how did you get on, then?
1875
02:26:25,128 --> 02:26:27,119
I ex-ter-mi-nated them.
1876
02:26:28,768 --> 02:26:30,884
Well, no wonder you're tired.
1877
02:26:30,968 --> 02:26:35,201
Yes, dear. Ex-term-in-ating is hard work.
1878
02:26:35,808 --> 02:26:40,200
Yes, well, I've got a nice cup of tea for you.
1879
02:26:41,288 --> 02:26:42,687
I think...
1880
02:26:42,768 --> 02:26:44,918
Erm... how's Mr Banerjee?
1881
02:26:45,008 --> 02:26:47,124
He's not ve-ry well.
1882
02:26:47,208 --> 02:26:50,280
- Why?
- I ex-term-in-ated him.
1883
02:26:52,488 --> 02:26:54,764
- Well, you shouldn't have done that.
- Woof woof!
1884
02:26:55,888 --> 02:26:57,367
Grr!
1885
02:27:09,568 --> 02:27:11,684
Put him in the cur-ry.
1886
02:27:23,448 --> 02:27:26,725
Johnny, have you finished your homework?
1887
02:27:26,808 --> 02:27:29,607
Yes, I have des-troyed it.
1888
02:27:30,888 --> 02:27:32,879
Somebody's exterminated Granny!
1889
02:27:32,968 --> 02:27:35,960
Yes. Put her in the cur-ry as well.
1890
02:27:37,808 --> 02:27:39,560
Hello, sailor.
1891
02:27:45,448 --> 02:27:47,519
Put him in the cur-ry too.
1892
02:27:49,448 --> 02:27:51,917
Now you know what's wrong
with the country!
1893
02:27:55,048 --> 02:27:56,721
Put it all in the cur-ry.
1894
02:27:57,808 --> 02:27:59,799
Now you know what's wrong with the curry.
1895
02:28:02,968 --> 02:28:06,245
♪ I've just booked a bloke called Maria
1896
02:28:07,048 --> 02:28:10,279
♪ And suddenly that name will never be...
1897
02:28:10,368 --> 02:28:13,998
Argh! Urgh! Get off!
1898
02:28:26,008 --> 02:28:28,727
Hello, hello, hello. What's going on here?
Peeping Tom?
1899
02:28:28,808 --> 02:28:30,924
No. My name is Dick.
1900
02:28:31,008 --> 02:28:32,237
Worse, a Peeping Dick.
1901
02:28:32,328 --> 02:28:34,160
I am an innocent Dick.
1902
02:28:34,248 --> 02:28:35,682
Don't you believe him.
1903
02:28:35,768 --> 02:28:38,362
This man's a voyeur.
He spies on me.
1904
02:28:38,448 --> 02:28:39,563
When?
1905
02:28:39,648 --> 02:28:42,561
Thursdays at ten,
Wednesdays and Mondays 2:30.
1906
02:28:42,648 --> 02:28:45,561
- What parts of you does he spy on?
- My k-nees.
1907
02:28:45,648 --> 02:28:48,640
If he spies any higher,
ring us and make a complaint.
1908
02:28:48,728 --> 02:28:51,288
If he spies any lower,
ring him and make a complaint.
1909
02:28:51,368 --> 02:28:52,438
Thank you.
1910
02:28:52,528 --> 02:28:57,079
Now, madam, would you care
to accompany me behind that bush
1911
02:28:57,168 --> 02:29:00,001
- and bring my police career to a close?
- Ooh!
1912
02:29:00,088 --> 02:29:02,398
I always wanted to be a pension!
1913
02:29:08,768 --> 02:29:10,088
Hello, sailor.
1914
02:29:10,168 --> 02:29:14,958
None of that. I'm a not a "hello, sailor" but
one serving on Her Majesty's GLC flats.
1915
02:29:15,048 --> 02:29:18,040
When you insult me,
you insult the Qu-eeen.
1916
02:29:18,128 --> 02:29:21,803
Well, you can't park that spruce, maple
and mahogany wardrobe there.
1917
02:29:21,888 --> 02:29:26,519
And when you insult me,
you insult Mrs Ethel Terrible of Ongar.
1918
02:29:26,608 --> 02:29:28,838
Yeah, but this is taxed and licensed.
1919
02:29:28,928 --> 02:29:33,604
This is an antique.
This has been road-tested by Arthur Negus.
1920
02:29:33,688 --> 02:29:36,646
And have you had the ten-year moth test?
1921
02:29:36,728 --> 02:29:39,163
Mot? How do you spell it?
1922
02:29:48,968 --> 02:29:51,437
Pronounced "mot".
1923
02:29:51,528 --> 02:29:53,963
I'll regret it? You'll regret it!
1924
02:29:54,048 --> 02:29:56,324
It was your bloody mother-in-law!
1925
02:29:56,408 --> 02:29:58,285
- What's that?
- Look at the bleedin' lino.
1926
02:30:04,088 --> 02:30:06,807
Here, what's going on in here?
1927
02:30:06,888 --> 02:30:10,085
That is my divorce.
1928
02:30:11,768 --> 02:30:13,918
A divorce?
In a spruce and mahogany lino?
1929
02:30:14,008 --> 02:30:16,761
Yeah. You see, she's got custody
of the children.
1930
02:30:16,848 --> 02:30:18,680
I've got custody of the wardrobe.
1931
02:30:18,768 --> 02:30:21,647
I pays her £2,000 a week alimony.
1932
02:30:21,728 --> 02:30:23,446
Cor, stone the crow!
1933
02:30:26,448 --> 02:30:29,839
£2,000, that is the rate for Queen's cousins.
1934
02:30:31,728 --> 02:30:34,402
Now, it'd be more if she'd have been
the Queen's sister.
1935
02:30:34,488 --> 02:30:36,206
That would be five grand.
1936
02:30:36,288 --> 02:30:38,848
And if I'd have to be divorced
from the Qu-eeen,
1937
02:30:38,928 --> 02:30:42,159
I'd be walking along the street
with my out of my trousers.
1938
02:30:42,648 --> 02:30:45,208
I don't think she's much of a queen...
1939
02:30:45,288 --> 02:30:48,679
...marrying a man with his
out of his trousers.
1940
02:30:48,768 --> 02:30:52,443
'Ere, it is obvious that this man has
mistaken me for Prince Philip.
1941
02:30:54,848 --> 02:30:56,600
Here, how do...
1942
02:30:56,688 --> 02:30:58,918
- That's better.
- How do you find the money?
1943
02:30:59,008 --> 02:31:00,157
Very nice.
1944
02:31:00,248 --> 02:31:02,967
But now it's No.9, Fritz Krappenhauser
of East Germany.
1945
02:31:03,048 --> 02:31:05,119
He's only 20 and a favourite
for the silver medal.
1946
02:31:05,208 --> 02:31:08,200
He sets himself for the start,
and the atomic clock has started.
1947
02:31:08,288 --> 02:31:10,279
Bert Scroggins of England
is in the contest
1948
02:31:10,368 --> 02:31:13,008
and he's eating fried Spam and batter.
1949
02:31:13,088 --> 02:31:15,159
Krappenhauser tenses
for the drive he needs.
1950
02:31:15,248 --> 02:31:17,717
Ben Scroggs goes for
his second piece of Spam.
1951
02:31:17,808 --> 02:31:20,926
He drives down with a fork
and an upward thrust lifts the Spam.
1952
02:31:21,008 --> 02:31:24,364
Krappenhauser starts his run.
He's into the traditional crouch
1953
02:31:24,448 --> 02:31:27,327
that gives least wind resistance
as he powers his way down
1954
02:31:27,408 --> 02:31:31,322
into the Laundromat where Mrs Scroggs
is putting in two petticoats, three Y-fronts,
1955
02:31:31,408 --> 02:31:34,082
her mother's green bloomers,
which fall on Krappenhauser
1956
02:31:34,168 --> 02:31:36,921
as he plummets down to the lift-off
with a terrific cup of tea,
1957
02:31:37,008 --> 02:31:39,079
with only one sugar
to cut down on calories,
1958
02:31:39,168 --> 02:31:41,045
as he's slimming for the holiday at Bognor.
1959
02:31:41,128 --> 02:31:44,086
Up he goes, doing nearly 75mph.
1960
02:31:44,168 --> 02:31:47,399
He's well inside the record
as he has yet another slice of bread,
1961
02:31:47,488 --> 02:31:49,479
which will set him back months in his diet.
1962
02:31:49,568 --> 02:31:53,084
A man in Lewisham goes into
the gents' khazi and strains over his skis.
1963
02:31:53,168 --> 02:31:55,398
But wait. He's disappeared.
That's incredible.
1964
02:31:55,488 --> 02:31:58,844
He's gone out of the picture behind that
chap on the hill playing the organ.
1965
02:31:58,928 --> 02:32:01,522
Fantastische!
1966
02:32:03,008 --> 02:32:07,639
Here, Molly. I swear I heard
an East German skier say "Fantastisch".
1967
02:32:08,208 --> 02:32:09,846
Really, Bert?
1968
02:32:09,928 --> 02:32:13,558
Who knows? This could be our lucky day.
1969
02:32:14,408 --> 02:32:18,641
Mystery surrounds the whereabouts of East
German ski champion Fritz Krappenhauser,
1970
02:32:18,728 --> 02:32:21,163
last heard saying "Fantastisch"
over Eastbourne.
1971
02:32:21,248 --> 02:32:23,842
It's thought he may have
defected to the West.
1972
02:32:23,928 --> 02:32:25,965
This has never happened to us before.
1973
02:32:26,048 --> 02:32:29,086
- Is it safe here?
- Oh, yes. I'm on the pill.
1974
02:32:29,168 --> 02:32:31,239
It gets better all the time.
1975
02:32:31,328 --> 02:32:33,797
I am Fritz Krappenhauser.
I have defected to the West
1976
02:32:33,888 --> 02:32:36,277
and I'm afraid some
has gone on your husband.
1977
02:32:36,368 --> 02:32:39,121
Bert? This is Mr Krappenhauser.
1978
02:32:39,208 --> 02:32:41,677
Pardon me for not getting up.
1979
02:32:41,768 --> 02:32:45,523
Bert, I seek political asylum!
1980
02:32:45,608 --> 02:32:49,442
You want Westminster. That's the finest
bleedin' asylum in the world!
1981
02:32:52,248 --> 02:32:55,718
♪ I must go down to the sea again
1982
02:32:55,808 --> 02:32:58,038
♪ To the lonely sea and the sky
1983
02:33:00,488 --> 02:33:03,367
♪ And all I ask is a tall ship ♪
1984
02:33:03,448 --> 02:33:06,167
This skier weighs 14 stone
1985
02:33:06,248 --> 02:33:08,398
and I am in grave danger.
1986
02:33:08,488 --> 02:33:10,923
Look, I cannot keep it a secret any longer.
1987
02:33:11,008 --> 02:33:13,397
I have fled here because I am...
1988
02:33:13,488 --> 02:33:15,206
bald!
1989
02:33:15,288 --> 02:33:18,041
Don't worry. Your baldness is safe with us.
1990
02:33:18,128 --> 02:33:19,721
He's been Kojaked!
1991
02:33:19,808 --> 02:33:22,038
I come seeking freedom wigs.
1992
02:33:22,128 --> 02:33:24,517
Molly? Am I still here?
1993
02:33:24,608 --> 02:33:25,723
Yes.
1994
02:33:25,808 --> 02:33:27,287
Don't worry, mein Herr.
1995
02:33:27,368 --> 02:33:28,961
I'm not worried about your hair!
1996
02:33:29,048 --> 02:33:30,846
It's mein hair I'm worried about!
1997
02:33:30,928 --> 02:33:33,681
Ssh! I'm an agent for the NHS.
1998
02:33:33,768 --> 02:33:36,647
Come. I'll lead you to free medicine!
1999
02:33:41,408 --> 02:33:44,241
This is the National Health Service
of the BBC,
2000
02:33:44,328 --> 02:33:47,047
calling the bald and toothless people
of Europe.
2001
02:33:47,128 --> 02:33:51,247
Do not worry.
Canisters of wigs are on their way.
2002
02:33:51,328 --> 02:33:53,080
There goes one now.
2003
02:34:03,808 --> 02:34:06,038
Nicht gut.
2004
02:34:06,128 --> 02:34:08,119
I can't go to the party with this.
2005
02:34:09,568 --> 02:34:12,799
It's terrible.
2006
02:34:13,528 --> 02:34:14,723
Hello.
2007
02:34:14,808 --> 02:34:17,448
I think you should know early in this sketch
2008
02:34:17,528 --> 02:34:21,726
that I'm not one of these,
and again, I'm not one of them.
2009
02:34:21,808 --> 02:34:25,927
I am a plainclothes policeman
disguised as a constable.
2010
02:34:29,808 --> 02:34:31,242
Terrible.
2011
02:34:31,328 --> 02:34:33,319
Nicht good.
2012
02:34:39,088 --> 02:34:42,968
40 years I have waited for
a National Health Service wig,
2013
02:34:43,048 --> 02:34:44,482
and they give me this.
2014
02:34:44,568 --> 02:34:47,367
I cannot make World War Ill in this.
2015
02:34:47,448 --> 02:34:49,086
Listen to me, sailor.
2016
02:34:50,048 --> 02:34:54,963
I have two million bald 60-year-old toothless
stormtroopers in Argentina
2017
02:34:55,048 --> 02:34:56,402
ready to strike again.
2018
02:34:56,488 --> 02:34:58,206
But they must have the wigs!
2019
02:34:58,288 --> 02:35:00,643
They must have the wigs!
2020
02:35:00,728 --> 02:35:04,562
Otherwise their bald heads will give away
their position from the air.
2021
02:35:05,728 --> 02:35:06,798
- Stop.
- What?
2022
02:35:06,888 --> 02:35:10,244
I am a police raid. Nobody move.
2023
02:35:10,328 --> 02:35:12,126
You've got me surrounded.
2024
02:35:12,208 --> 02:35:13,960
It's no good lying.
2025
02:35:14,048 --> 02:35:16,039
I know you're all in here.
2026
02:35:31,648 --> 02:35:34,117
Here are your sealed acting orders.
2027
02:35:34,208 --> 02:35:38,361
Ah. That's what we've all been waiting for.
2028
02:35:44,488 --> 02:35:48,083
Oh, pussycat. I'm so tired.
2029
02:35:48,168 --> 02:35:50,523
Let us rest by this bush.
2030
02:35:50,608 --> 02:35:53,885
Listen, I can hear the Bow Bells of London.
2031
02:35:53,968 --> 02:35:55,879
Ting ting ting.
2032
02:35:55,968 --> 02:35:57,527
What are they saying?
2033
02:35:57,608 --> 02:36:02,159
"Turn again, Dick Whittington.
Thrice Lord Mayor of London."
2034
02:36:02,248 --> 02:36:04,080
Lord Mayor?
2035
02:36:04,168 --> 02:36:05,886
Here, I've been promoted!
2036
02:36:08,288 --> 02:36:12,725
Listen... Are you sure you are a police raid?
2037
02:36:12,808 --> 02:36:15,084
Well, reasonably sure.
2038
02:36:15,168 --> 02:36:18,126
Of course, you can never be positive.
Ha ha ha!
2039
02:36:19,928 --> 02:36:21,157
Look. Listen up.
2040
02:36:25,728 --> 02:36:29,005
Do you...
2041
02:36:29,088 --> 02:36:31,477
Do you look like ein police raid?
2042
02:36:31,568 --> 02:36:34,128
No. I look like Winston Churchill.
2043
02:36:34,208 --> 02:36:35,642
Aargh!
2044
02:36:35,728 --> 02:36:37,685
Run for it! It's a Winston Churchill raid!
2045
02:36:39,008 --> 02:36:42,205
Listen to those sound effects
that have come on too soon!
2046
02:36:46,528 --> 02:36:50,442
That's how I broke the back
of a gang of Germans
2047
02:36:50,528 --> 02:36:54,840
who had smuggled ten billion pairs
of false teeth out of England,
2048
02:36:54,928 --> 02:36:59,206
causing acute embarrassment
to our armed forces.
2049
02:36:59,288 --> 02:37:00,562
From the right, number.
2050
02:37:03,368 --> 02:37:05,359
Er... hello.
2051
02:37:05,448 --> 02:37:09,521
My impression of a raging forest fire.
2052
02:37:20,728 --> 02:37:23,083
Phew! Phew, what a scorcher!
2053
02:37:24,248 --> 02:37:28,082
And now my impression
of the Atlantic Ocean.
2054
02:37:31,728 --> 02:37:34,720
Oh, I can't do that.
2055
02:37:34,808 --> 02:37:37,721
I'll do a different one.
I'll do the English Channel.
2056
02:37:54,568 --> 02:37:56,559
♪ Daddy Wouldn't Buy Me a Bow-wow
2057
02:38:01,608 --> 02:38:03,201
♪ Bow wow.
2058
02:38:10,448 --> 02:38:11,722
♪ Woof woof.
2059
02:38:16,768 --> 02:38:20,841
I must tell you that this is
a private fishing ocean.
2060
02:38:20,928 --> 02:38:23,078
I'm not fishing, I'm playing the piano.
2061
02:38:23,837 --> 02:38:25,837
Ah!... Who are you? - I said.
2062
02:38:27,288 --> 02:38:29,404
Liberace! - I replied.
2063
02:38:31,608 --> 02:38:33,599
- The Liberace?
- No.
2064
02:38:34,808 --> 02:38:37,118
A Liberace.
2065
02:38:37,208 --> 02:38:39,040
I needn't have dropped this, then.
2066
02:38:46,928 --> 02:38:48,441
I give up. I...
2067
02:38:51,248 --> 02:38:54,047
- Is this the way to Dover?
- I don't know. I'm a stranger.
2068
02:38:54,128 --> 02:38:55,801
I'm an Indian Ocean man.
2069
02:38:56,568 --> 02:39:00,198
I want to be the first person
to walk the English Channel on foot.
2070
02:39:01,536 --> 02:39:03,536
- Which one?
- This one!
2071
02:39:05,048 --> 02:39:07,005
And then that one.
2072
02:39:07,088 --> 02:39:09,079
And sometimes that one.
2073
02:39:10,408 --> 02:39:12,399
Michael!
2074
02:39:13,728 --> 02:39:15,719
Er. Hello.
2075
02:39:20,808 --> 02:39:24,199
Er... who, erm... Ah.
2076
02:39:24,288 --> 02:39:26,484
- Who are you?
- Liberace.
2077
02:39:26,568 --> 02:39:28,206
Ooh!
2078
02:39:29,248 --> 02:39:30,841
The Liberace?
2079
02:39:30,928 --> 02:39:32,885
No. A Liberace.
2080
02:39:32,968 --> 02:39:35,278
I needn't have dropped this again.
2081
02:39:35,368 --> 02:39:38,520
Oh. Er...
2082
02:39:38,608 --> 02:39:41,077
This is a Liberace too.
2083
02:39:41,168 --> 02:39:43,762
Oh, I've never met a Liberace Two!
2084
02:39:43,848 --> 02:39:48,968
- Good on you, sport.
- I've met a Seven, Eleven and a 183b.
2085
02:40:04,170 --> 02:40:06,170
Is it here?
2086
02:40:07,365 --> 02:40:08,124
Yes! Yes!
2087
02:40:08,248 --> 02:40:13,163
I have a delivery here
for the Round Pond, Kensington.
2088
02:40:13,187 --> 02:40:14,704
A grand piano for a Mr. A. Liberace.
2089
02:40:14,728 --> 02:40:17,242
Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot tell a lie.
2090
02:40:17,328 --> 02:40:19,239
This is not the Round Pond, Kensington.
2091
02:40:22,408 --> 02:40:25,400
We have been forbidden permission
to film in the Royal Parks.
2092
02:40:27,008 --> 02:40:30,888
I'll be having a word with Princess Margaret
about this later on in the programme.
2093
02:40:31,030 --> 02:40:32,830
There must be some mistake.
This is a dotty TV series calles
2094
02:40:42,808 --> 02:40:46,483
Well, play a few notes on it
and I'll tell you if it's mine.
2095
02:40:46,568 --> 02:40:50,607
No, sir, I've only got a licence
to drive a van.
2096
02:40:50,688 --> 02:40:53,601
Well, give us a few toots on your horn, then.
2097
02:41:05,888 --> 02:41:10,121
Well, it's definitely my van,
but I'm damned if I know whose piano it is.
2098
02:41:11,048 --> 02:41:12,402
I'll tell you what I'll do, sir.
2099
02:41:12,488 --> 02:41:15,082
I will go and have a piano driving test
2100
02:41:21,008 --> 02:41:26,321
should refuse me the permission
as an actor reaching his prime to film...
2101
02:41:36,368 --> 02:41:38,928
What I'd like you to do now is insert the key,
2102
02:41:40,808 --> 02:41:42,799
and off we will go.
2103
02:41:43,568 --> 02:41:47,527
That's it. Good. Now, then, I'd like you to
place your hands comfortably on the piano.
2104
02:41:47,608 --> 02:41:50,407
Keyboard... Wait for it.
2105
02:41:50,488 --> 02:41:53,685
That is the way we control
the progress of the music.
2106
02:41:55,208 --> 02:41:58,326
- I better put this er... this seatbelt on
2107
02:41:58,408 --> 02:42:01,446
cos I've got a very heavy vibrato,
2108
02:42:01,528 --> 02:42:03,678
or so the missus tells me.
2109
02:42:04,976 --> 02:42:08,624
I see. Now, I'd like you to place
your foot on the soft pedal,
2110
02:42:08,648 --> 02:42:12,642
while I'll place my foot on my soft pedal...
just in case.
2111
02:42:12,666 --> 02:42:14,666
- Oh! You control, then...
- Yes.
2112
02:42:15,848 --> 02:42:19,079
And then I want you to start gradually...
2113
02:42:19,168 --> 02:42:23,366
Ready?
In the key of C.
2114
02:42:24,880 --> 02:42:26,598
- That it?
- C. That's it.
2115
02:42:27,903 --> 02:42:29,703
C!... C!
2116
02:42:30,080 --> 02:42:33,311
- I can see, I can see.
- Carry on.
2117
02:42:40,720 --> 02:42:42,393
Now soft pedal off.
2118
02:42:45,360 --> 02:42:47,158
Up into the key of C sharp.
2119
02:42:52,160 --> 02:42:55,755
Sharp. Nice. I like it. Yes, that's nice.
2120
02:42:58,560 --> 02:43:01,393
Soft pedal down.
2121
02:43:01,480 --> 02:43:03,790
Now, up into D major.
2122
02:43:04,838 --> 02:43:07,396
- Now I ask you...
- In a moment... in a moment...
2123
02:43:07,520 --> 02:43:08,954
- To stop.
- Right, right.
2124
02:43:09,040 --> 02:43:11,190
When I slam the lid down,
I want you to stop.
2125
02:43:11,280 --> 02:43:12,793
All right.
2126
02:43:19,440 --> 02:43:20,760
Did I pass?
2127
02:43:28,800 --> 02:43:31,440
Well? Is it yours?
2128
02:43:31,520 --> 02:43:32,919
Sorry, he's moved.
2129
02:43:33,000 --> 02:43:35,071
Moved? Where?
2130
02:43:35,160 --> 02:43:36,878
Beachy Head.
2131
02:43:36,960 --> 02:43:38,951
Beachy Head?
2132
02:43:39,040 --> 02:43:42,400
All right, Ted, take it away.
Beachy Head.
2133
02:43:49,720 --> 02:43:51,791
Ladies and gentlemen,
2134
02:43:53,515 --> 02:43:57,815
If the piano doesn't come soon,
the concert will be a total failure.
2135
02:43:59,560 --> 02:44:03,440
Mr. Liberace! We cannot keep
the audience waiting any longer.
2136
02:44:03,520 --> 02:44:06,512
- I must make an announcement.
- Thank you. He's wonderful.
2137
02:44:07,100 --> 02:44:10,134
- Ladies and gentlemen, over there in the bell cot!
- Yes!
2138
02:44:10,158 --> 02:44:13,277
- May I have your attention, please?
- Sure!
2139
02:44:15,010 --> 02:44:17,045
Now then, the concert will be delayed,
2140
02:44:17,080 --> 02:44:23,315
owing to the surprise non-appearance
of Mr A Liberace's special piano.
2141
02:44:23,967 --> 02:44:27,231
Hey, there! We got the piano
for A Liberace up here!
2142
02:44:27,255 --> 02:44:30,655
Well, then, send it down here
as quick as you can!
2143
02:44:30,720 --> 02:44:32,711
All right. Have it your own way.
2144
02:44:40,200 --> 02:44:42,591
I'm afraid this will have
to be tuned.
2145
02:44:52,143 --> 02:44:57,091
Isn't that wonderfull, ladies and gentlemen
They'll just clap anything, over there.
2146
02:44:59,595 --> 02:45:01,595
- Hello! What's your name?
- Andy Toledano.
2147
02:45:02,320 --> 02:45:04,152
- And where are you from?
- Israel.
2148
02:45:04,240 --> 02:45:05,878
And what are you going to sing?
2149
02:45:05,960 --> 02:45:07,109
A song that I wrote myself.
2150
02:45:07,133 --> 02:45:09,133
- And what its called?'
- Why.
2151
02:45:09,157 --> 02:45:11,157
- Why?
- Why not?
2152
02:48:01,160 --> 02:48:04,471
Ladies and gentlemen,
I told you earlier in the program...
2153
02:48:06,160 --> 02:48:10,279
that I'd be speaking in probe-depth
personally to Princess Margaret.
2154
02:48:12,395 --> 02:48:13,835
Princess Margaret,
2155
02:48:20,880 --> 02:48:24,920
Do yuu mind if I speak to yuu in
in-depth probe?
2156
02:48:24,942 --> 02:48:29,342
Well, 'urry-up then,
cos I gotta get his tea ready, ain't I?
2157
02:48:29,760 --> 02:48:33,913
All right, then. Princess Margaret, tell me,
when we were filming in the Royal Park,
2158
02:48:34,000 --> 02:48:37,038
er... the park keeper Eric the Terrible...
2159
02:48:38,666 --> 02:48:43,846
said that you're addicted... erm,
you objected to filming in the park.
2160
02:48:45,010 --> 02:48:47,010
Well, yes, I did. Yes.
2161
02:48:48,840 --> 02:48:50,831
Oh.
2162
02:48:51,960 --> 02:48:55,794
Er... why did you... Why did you object...
2163
02:48:57,320 --> 02:48:59,072
Can you answer that in depth?
2164
02:49:00,600 --> 02:49:03,035
Well, I can't have tradesmen
all over the garden,
2165
02:49:03,120 --> 02:49:05,236
throwing things in ponds.
2166
02:49:05,320 --> 02:49:07,311
I mean, how would you like it?
2167
02:49:07,335 --> 02:49:09,335
Well, I'd like it down there.
2168
02:49:12,200 --> 02:49:13,474
What?
2169
02:49:14,460 --> 02:49:17,271
What I'm trying to say,
Princess Margaret, in depth,
2170
02:49:17,295 --> 02:49:18,795
...is that...
2171
02:49:18,819 --> 02:49:21,819
I think that you are personally,
against the working classes.
2172
02:49:22,360 --> 02:49:24,920
- I've got nothin' against the working classes!
- No?
2173
02:49:25,000 --> 02:49:29,038
My old man, Tony,
he takes their photographs.
2174
02:49:29,920 --> 02:49:31,149
Oh.
2175
02:49:31,240 --> 02:49:33,709
Well, if he takes workijg-class photographs,
2176
02:49:33,800 --> 02:49:37,236
why do you object to working-class pianos
being hurled in your pond
2177
02:49:37,320 --> 02:49:38,719
on top of Liberace?
2178
02:49:39,720 --> 02:49:43,236
Well, it's not nice, is it?
I mean, what would the neighbours say?
2179
02:49:43,320 --> 02:49:45,880
They'd say, "Look, there's a man
throwing white pianos
2180
02:49:45,960 --> 02:49:47,598
in the Round Pond on Liberace."
2181
02:49:48,600 --> 02:49:50,798
Is that what they'd say?
2182
02:49:50,922 --> 02:49:52,922
- Yes.
- Oh.
2183
02:49:53,400 --> 02:49:55,437
Would somebody please
take him to the Tower?
2184
02:49:58,000 --> 02:50:03,231
This is Eric Twill, the News at Nine,
Lewisham, Broadway.
2185
02:50:10,680 --> 02:50:12,671
Now you can see what's wrong
with the country!
2186
02:50:18,295 --> 02:50:21,599
Elementary, my dear Watson.
Brilliant.
2187
02:50:24,560 --> 02:50:27,393
I see there's only a skeleton service
running tonight.
2188
02:50:27,480 --> 02:50:30,199
- Bri||iant!
- OK, you difly rat!
2189
02:50:30,280 --> 02:50:32,396
Hands together! Kneel down!
2190
02:50:33,200 --> 02:50:34,520
Now listen, blue eyes.
2191
02:50:34,600 --> 02:50:39,679
Et tuam dedicadum et servicum Christum,
semper fidelis, amen!
2192
02:50:42,240 --> 02:50:44,754
This man is laying on his back,
clutching his throat,
2193
02:50:44,778 --> 02:50:46,778
...groaning, and overaxting.
2194
02:50:47,540 --> 02:50:50,039
- Brilliant!
- He's wearing a greasy bowler.
2195
02:50:50,063 --> 02:50:51,256
Briliantine!
2196
02:50:51,280 --> 02:50:54,796
Good God, he's been...
2197
02:50:55,440 --> 02:50:58,910
...ordained!
2198
02:51:01,360 --> 02:51:03,397
Ordained? Well, who do you suspect?
2199
02:51:03,480 --> 02:51:05,949
Looks like a typical six-and-lhree-quarler
inch collar,
2200
02:51:06,040 --> 02:51:07,599
Archbishop of Canterbury job to me.
2201
02:51:08,500 --> 02:51:11,572
- But I'm Jewish!
- Now, you're... Christian.
2202
02:51:12,760 --> 02:51:14,194
Oh, my life!
2203
02:51:14,280 --> 02:51:17,030
We must get him
to the de-ordination hospital.
2204
02:51:24,760 --> 02:51:29,932
And lo, he came to the mountain,
and fell down...
2205
02:51:30,600 --> 02:51:33,194
Oy...!
2206
02:51:33,280 --> 02:51:35,237
And so it came to pass
2207
02:51:35,320 --> 02:51:37,277
that they all spake out...
2208
02:51:38,120 --> 02:51:39,315
Oy...!
2209
02:51:39,400 --> 02:51:42,119
One more time!
2210
02:51:44,560 --> 02:51:46,358
He doesn't know when he's beaten!
2211
02:51:47,760 --> 02:51:49,751
Are you the Jewish mother?
2212
02:51:49,840 --> 02:51:53,515
Well, no, actually, I'm a Catholic,
but I'll do anylhing for money.
2213
02:51:54,480 --> 02:51:57,040
This is the worst case of ordination
I've seen...
2214
02:51:57,064 --> 02:51:59,064
since Pope Pius did the
Bishop of Cantedbury job.
2215
02:52:00,120 --> 02:52:02,680
More money, nurse!
Remember Harley Street.
2216
02:52:04,169 --> 02:52:05,689
Good God!
2217
02:52:11,922 --> 02:52:13,422
It's taken!
2218
02:52:17,926 --> 02:52:19,446
Abe!... Abe!
2219
02:52:20,320 --> 02:52:23,631
- My name's Dick!
- Dick!... Dick!
2220
02:52:23,720 --> 02:52:27,236
Any1hing for money.
2221
02:52:27,320 --> 02:52:30,517
- Sherlock Holmes...
- This is me, Sergeant.
2222
02:52:32,880 --> 02:52:36,316
I must warn you that anything you say
that is funnier than me
2223
02:52:37,300 --> 02:52:39,177
will be cut out in the edited repeats.
2224
02:52:39,300 --> 02:52:41,177
Here's a newsflash.
2225
02:52:41,201 --> 02:52:43,501
It's been reported that
the Archbishop of Canterbury
2226
02:52:43,525 --> 02:52:45,136
is holding out in Lewisham.
2227
02:52:45,160 --> 02:52:47,913
Exactly what he is holding out
the police will not say.
2228
02:52:49,080 --> 02:52:52,436
It's also repofled that
he's holding an atheist hostage.
2229
02:52:52,520 --> 02:52:54,511
And here is another flash...
2230
02:52:55,320 --> 02:52:58,790
Listen here, Archbishop of Canterbury,
we know you're in there.
2231
02:52:58,880 --> 02:53:00,871
And we know we're out here.
2232
02:53:00,960 --> 02:53:04,112
Throw out your croziers,
or we'll send in the jesuits!
2233
02:53:04,636 --> 02:53:09,236
Stay back copper!
I've got Margaret Thatcher prisoner!
2234
02:53:09,400 --> 02:53:12,279
One step nearer and she gets ordained!
2235
02:53:13,120 --> 02:53:14,793
You fiend out of hell!
2236
02:53:14,817 --> 02:53:17,417
One step nearer, and I'll kill myself!
2237
02:53:17,920 --> 02:53:20,576
This is an opportunity not to be missed.
2238
02:53:20,600 --> 02:53:22,193
Aaargh!
2239
02:53:25,391 --> 02:53:27,056
Mrs Thatcher, are you all right?
2240
02:53:27,080 --> 02:53:28,832
Mrs Thatcher, I'm his double.
2241
02:53:28,920 --> 02:53:31,856
Speak to me, Mrs Thatcher! Speak to me!
2242
02:53:31,880 --> 02:53:33,598
Can you hear me?
2243
02:53:33,622 --> 02:53:35,622
She's deaf!
2244
02:53:37,652 --> 02:53:39,472
- Now you know what's wrong.
- I'm just getting double.
2245
02:53:39,520 --> 02:53:41,318
The camera moves slowly away from us,
2246
02:53:41,342 --> 02:53:44,942
leaving us as two minute, small
carbonised microcosmic figures.
2247
02:53:46,880 --> 02:53:49,872
In the background of a great landscape.
2248
02:53:49,960 --> 02:53:53,237
Behind them, a towering sky
leans heavenwards,
2249
02:53:53,261 --> 02:53:55,861
its fingers ever groping
the wrath of the gods above.
2250
02:53:55,880 --> 02:53:59,839
And the green hills in the background
sing their song of eternity unto no one.
2251
02:54:01,160 --> 02:54:05,791
And then, as the clouds diminish and
leave the dark, scowling sky behind us,
2252
02:54:05,880 --> 02:54:07,871
we hear a distant tune...
180969
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