Original subtitles

This is an $05 distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.

The only survivors were Dave Lister,

who was in suspended animation during the disaster,

and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.

Revived three million years later,

Lister's only companions are a life form who evolved from his cat,

and Arnold Rimmer,

a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.

I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6,000,

the same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers.

♪ On a ship excavating for a mine

♪ Lived an old plutonium miner and his daughter Clementine ♪

Lister RD 52169.

Yes? Can I help you?

- You've got a lisp. - Yes. lknow.

The lisp malfunction has been reported to the skutters.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Can you give me a bacon sandwich

With French mustard and black coffee?

Your vocabulary unit's not working either.

Yes. I know. This also has been reported to the skutters.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Can you just try and give me a black coffee?

I 'll certainly try.

- That's a bucket.

Morning, Lister.

How's life in hippie heaven,

you pregnant, baboon-bellied space beatnik?

What's the plan for the day, then?

Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon,

then a bit of a snooze before the main evening slob?

You're a disgrace to the species.

Good morning, Rimmer.

Clock stop!

6:47. Not a had little time for the mile.

Pity I was only doing the 300 metres.

Still, I had that conversation with Lister.

Knock four minutes off for that.

Then I stopped to have a rest,

so I wouldn't looked too shagged out when I went past him.

Knock that off and I've broken the world record!

Well done, Rimsey, you're fitter than you thought.

Holly, give me a clean uniform.

9:47 a.m., Arnold.

No. A clean uniform, you Idiot.

Look, I'm rather busy at the moment.

Now!

And give me a crew-cut, Holly.

I'm beginning to look like one of those Hells Angels.

Arnold, we're going to hit light speed in 24 hours.

I have to navigate a ship the size of a city

through speeds never before encountered

in the human sphere of experience.

I'm not a combination of the speaking clock,

Moss Bros and Teasy-Weasy.

Holly, a hologram I may be,

but I'm still the highest ranking technician aboard this ship.

When I say do something, you do it. Understand?

You stupid, jumped up Filofax.

- I'm a what? - You heard.

Just get on with it. Very short.

Okay, Arnold.

Have you done it, Hot?

Yes.

A crew-cut and it's very short?

Yes, Arnold.

As my father always said, shiny, clean boots

and a spanking, short haircut and you can cope with anything.

He said thatjust before that rather unfortunate suicide business.

Ah, now that one's me with Jim Bexley Speed.

He played for the London Jets Zero Gravity Football Team.

He was roof attack.

As you can see, he was really, really,

really, really thrilled to meet me.

Who's that guy?

That's me grandmother.

She brought me up. She was a great old lady.

I got expelled from school once

'cause she nutted the headmaster when I came bottom in French.

Wow, that's nice.

It's just a Jupiter rise. Everyone takes that shot.

Who is that?

That's me dad. That's the only picture I've got of him.

He's your father? No wonder you're so ugly.

No. That's his dog, Hannah.

Dog? What's a dog?

It's just a pet.

Ugly!

You go get your stuff and let me pack mine. Okay?

Will you do that for me?

This, er, dog. He better not be around here any place

'cause if he is, I may have to chase him.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Do you know how big they are?

They're about 18 foot long. And they got teeth as big as your leg.

- Yea h? - Yeah.

Well, I may have to chase him anyway.

Oh, Lennon! Look what's happened to McCartney.

Oh, hey.

Old mechanical engineering!

Hey! Perfection!

And they said you was a waste of money.

What's he looking at?

Who?

That idiotic cat.

What have you done to your hair?

Holly did it.

Why?

'Cause I ordered him to.

It looks ridiculous.

It may look ridiculous to you, Lister,

but I like it like this. Makes me feel like a man.

Yeah. And you'll probably get one looking like that.

There's nothing wrong with short hair, Lister.

Gives a man a sense of dignity, a sense of discipline.

Rimmer, have you seen it?

I don't need to see it.

I didn't get this haircut to look good.

This is a haircut designed for action, not poncing around in.

May be a bit severe. A bit too green beret.

But you are how you look,

and I look...

Like a complete and total tit!

Holly! Holly!

This is a recording. I 'm afraid Holly is busy at the moment.

If you 'a' like leave a message after the bleep,

he '11 get back to you.

Bleep.

Holly, this is Rimmer. Remember me? Rimmer.

Arnold Rimmer. The poor goit you made look like Helen Shapiro.

I'll see you toast on the fires of hell for this.

Did someone say they wanted toast?

Shut up.

What are you doing?

I'm going into stasis. I thought Holly told you.

Stasis? What for?

Holly said to go into it while we went through light speed.

And then I thought, what the hell,

why not stay until we get back to Earth?

Earth? That's three million years away.

You can't leave me alone for three million years.

I'll go peculiar.

Holly, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude.

Can I please have my own hair back?

Pretty please with sugar on?

I'll think about it, Arnold.

Holly's supposed to have told you. I thought you didn't mind.

Mind? Mind? Why should I mind?

300,000 millennia alone, while you're in suspended animation?

I'll be fine. I'll do that crossword book.

That should kill a couple of centuries.

Holly'll switch you off until we come back out.

Even better. Switch me on, switch me off,

like I'm some battery-powered sex aid.

Oh, come on, Rimmer, don't give me this.

Don't give you what?

I'm dead, Lister, or haven't you noticed?

I know you're dead, Rimmer. Don't whinge on about it.

Sorry to be a bore.

I mean, you're everything you were when you were alive.

Same personality, same everything.

Apart from the miniscule detail that I'm a stiffy.

Rimmer, death isn't the handicap

it used to be in the olden days.

It doesn't screw your career up like it used to.

That's what they say, Lister,

but if you had two people coming for a job

and one of them was dead, which one would you pick?

It depends which is better qualified.

Bullpats. When was the last time you saw a dead newsreader?

Channel 27 had a hologram reading the news.

Oh. Groovy, funky Channel 27.

Big smegging deal. You livies hate us deadies.

Rimmer, if I'm going back to Earth,

I'm gonna have to go into stasis.

It's gonna take 4,000 years just to turn around.

You can't do a three-point turn

when you're this close to light speed.

Oh, really?

Where did you read that, The Ladybird Book of Astrona Vigation?

- It happens to be true. - I know it's true, modo.

I have taken the astronavigation exam, nine times.

Ten, if you count the time I had my spasm.

Rimmer, you'll only be turned off until we get back to Earth.

Where you won't need me, so I won't get switched back on.

They might be able to cure you.

They've probably made great advances and that while we've been away.

Oh, yes.

I expect they cured death the instant we left Earth.

I expect doctors' surgeries are packed with the dead.

"Hello, Mrs Johnson. Take one of these three times a day,

"you'll soon be living again.

"Carol, next corpse, please."

They might.

Yes, Lister. They might If the Earth hasn't blown up.

Or the ants haven't taken over.

Well, you'll be in your element if insects are in control.

You'll probably get a decentjob at last.

- Yeah, yeah. - You'll probably run for government.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll probably even make it as a male model.

Git.

♪ To Ganymede and Titan

♪ Yes, sir, I've been around

♪ But there ain't no place in the whole of space

♪ Like that good ol' toddlin ' town

♪ Oh

♪ Lunar...

♪ Lunar City 7 ♪

You can 't sing, you know

And you can, can you?

Oh, just 'cause I 'm a toaster, I 'm tone deaf?

Well, go on, then.

Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom. Hey.

♪ Fly me to the moon and let me... ♪

♪ Lunar City 7... ♪

What was that?

Um, I 1:14 ship time, Dan.

No, Holly. What was that flash?

We've broken the light barrier 22 hours early.

Oh. Is everyone all right?

I can't do it. I can't cope.

We're going at the speed of light. Me bottle's gone.

Holly, ls everyone all right?

No, I'm not.

I thought I could navigate at light speed,

but I just can't wrap me head round it.

Gordon Bennett, that was a close one.

Holly, what's the problem?

You're supposed to have an IQ of 6,000, aren't you?

Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light.

That means by the time we see something,

we've already passed through it.

Even with an IQ of 6,000 it's still brown trousers time.

Can I help?

No, it's all right. I'm getting the hang of it now.

Left a bit, straighten her up. I better go.

♪ To Ganymede and Titan Yes, sir, I 'Ve been around ♪

Rimmer! Rimmer!

♪ To Ganymede and Titan Yes, sir, I 'Ve been... ♪

Rimmer!

What? What is it?

Did you see anything really weird in that mirror?

Yes. You, you ugly goit.

No. It was really odd.

What was?

Oh, nothing. Forget it, doesn't matter.

What doesn't matter?

Nothing, forget it. It doesn't matter.

Lister, have you been at that marijuana gin again?

I said, forget it. It doesn't matter.

Fine. Well, if you have any more problems with nothing

and things that don't matter, just scream out my name hysterically

and I'll come pelting down the corridor, all right?

♪ This little kitty went to space

♪ This little kitty stayed at home

♪ Oh, ooh... -

♪ Yeah, my clothes are... ♪

What are you doing?

I'm doing what you said do.

I said, take a few essential basics

you couldn't bear to leave behind.

Right. These are all I'm taking.

Just these and the other 10 racks. Travel light, move fast.

You can't take all of this. There's no room.

Okay, then I'll leave...

This.

I'll just have to do without it.

You can take two suits and that's it.

Two suits? Then I'm staying.

You can't stay. By the time I come out, you'll be dead.

Two suits is dead.

Hey! If I cut off my leg and leave it behind, can I take three?

We're going into stasis in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in the sleeping quarters.

Yo, Rimmer, look. I've been thinking.

What?

You know, about going into stasis and everything.

How did I do what?

What do you mean, how did I do what?

Lister, don't be a gimboid.

I'm not being a gimboid.

I've just been in the library thinking and I've decided...

Shut up.

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,

I've decided when you go into stasis,

I want to stay behind, I want to be left on.

What, on your own for the rest of your life?

- What things? - Eh?

I said, what?

What's going on?

You are space crazy.

I'm space crazy?

You're the one who's space crazy.

Well, it probably is deja-vu. It sounds like it.

Ah, Rimmer! I've just seen you walk out of that door.

- What? - How did you do that?

How did I do what?

You just this second walked out of that door.

Lister, don't be a gimboid.

I swear on me grandmother's life, as you walked out that door,

you came in this one.

I've just been in the library thinking and I've decided...

- Rimmer, I'm telling you... - Shut up.

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,

I've decided when you go into stasis,

I want to stay behind, I want to be left on.

Rimmer, you've just come in and said exactly these things.

- What things? - You said that.

I said what?

And that. You said that.

You are space crazy.

And then you said,

'Well, It probably is deja-vu.'

Well, it probably is deja-vu. It sounds like it.

Well, go on then. Shake your head and walk out.

Rimmer, listen. Will you just listen?

My tooth! My tooth. I think I lost my tooth!

Cat, wait. Rimmer, listen.

#I'm gonna eat you, little fish/es

♪ I'm gonna eat you... ♪

Uh-oh. Er...

I was just making sure your fish were okay.

I wasn't going to eat them.

He just walked past us.

It must be something to do with light speed.

- Holly, what's going on? - It's light speed, I bet you.

- Is your name Holly? - "Is your name Holly?"

Holly, what is going on?

Look, I'm a 10th generation AI hologramic computer.

I'm not your mum.

Yes. Fantastic.

What do you want this time? A hand with your homework

or would you like me to sew little name tags in your PE kit?

Holly, watch my lips. What is happening?

With the mirror and the Cat and everything.

Oh, that.

You're seeing future echoes. Didn't I explain this to you?

What are future echoes?

How simple do you want this?

So Lister can understand it.

Oh, dear.

It's difficult, I know.

We 79 travelling faster than Ls; right?

- What's LS? - Light speed.

Smartarse.

Consequently, you're catching up

with things you're about to do before you've actually done them.

Ah! So we're seeing bits of the future?

Yes.

See, I told you it was light speed. You should've asked me.

Can they see us?

Of course not. Use your loaf.

So wait. Are you saying the Cat

is gonna break his tooth some time in the future?

Yes. I didn't think you wanted it this simple.

There ain't nobody gonna break my tooth.

How long is this going to last?

Until the re verse thrust takes effect

and we drop below light speed.

What's that photograph?

It's me and Frankenstein, isn't it?

No. The one with the babies.

Babies? I've never seen it before.

Holly, is this what you call a future echo?

Yes, of course it is. Bozo-

Two babies.

How do I get two babies?

♪ Ganymede and Titan Yes, sir, I've been around

♪ But there ain't no place in the whole of space... ♪

What's this, guys?

"Don't go into stasis. Please don't leave us with Rimmer."

I'm sorry, guys, I've got to. We need you.

There's nothing for me here. I want to go back to Earth.

Don't do that. I don't care what it's like.

It's got to be better than this.

I don't care if the dolphins have taken over

and all the people are in the human being-atarium, you know.

I just want to find out.

What was that?

What was that?

Brace yourself for a bit of a shock, Lister,

- but I just saw you die. - What?

I did warn you to brace yourself.

You didn't give me much of a chance.

I gave you ample bracing time.

No, you didn't. You didn't even pause.

Well, I'm sorry. I've just had a rather nasty experience.

I've just seen someone I know die

in the most hideous, hideous way!

Yeah, me!

You were fiddling around with the...

I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know.

- You don't want to know how you die? - No! Was it quick?

Well, I wouldn't say It was super-fast.

Not if you count the thrashing around and the agonised squealing.

You're really loving this, aren't you?

What a horrible thing to say.

- It was definitely me? - Oh, yes.

I don't wanna know.

- How old did I look? - How old are you now?

- Twenty five. - How old did I look? Hmm, mid-205.

Smeg! I'm not ready. I'm not smegging ready!

You did seem surprised.

Ah. Did you actually see me face?

You were wearing a hat, but it was definitely you.

Well, there you go, I won't wear a hat, then it can't happen, can it?

I can live without a hat.

Lister, it has happened.

You can't change it any more than

you can change what you had for breakfast yesterday.

It hasn't happened, has it?

It has will have going to have happened happened,

but it hasn't actually happened-happened yet, actually.

Poppycock. It will be happened,

it shall be going to be happening,

it will be was an event that could

will have been taken place in the future.

Simple as that. Your bucket's been kicked, baby.

Says you.

Says me and Albert Einstein. Thank you very much.

Albo and I happen to agree on this one.

It's called the Theory of Relativity.

All right. Okay, okay.

Right.

The Cat broke his tooth in a future echo, right?

- Now if I can stop him breaking it... - Can't be done.

- Then I can stop me from dying. - Can't be done.

Now, how would the Cat break his tooth?

He'd be eating something, eating something hard.

My robot goldfish! Eating my robot goldfish.

Holly, where's the Cat?

He's just going into your sleeping quarters, Dave.

Oh, smegging hell!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm back. Feeling good.

How am I looking?

Good.

Now, I wish I was someone else, then I could kiss me.

I think I'll investigate these!

Mmm-mmm, I just ate, but one little fishy.

♪ Yeah, yeah I 'm gonna eat you, little fishies

♪ I'm gonna eat you, little fishy ♪

Yeah, yeah. Oh!

Yeah, I got you there.

I'm gonna...

I got the fish. I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die!

You crazy monkey! You creased my suit.

My tooth? My tooth! My tooth! I think I've lost my tooth.

Lister, allow me to be the first to offer my commiserations.

You're really, really loving this, aren't you?

"Come on, death isn't the handicap

"it used to be in the olden days!

"It doesn't screw your career up the way it used to!"

You're right. There's always some good in every situation.

Absolutely, Lister. And in this case,

you're about to do the largest splits you'll ever do in your life.

I get blown up, then?

Bits of you do.

It's not fair. There's loads of things I've never done.

Like I've never had a prawn vindaloo.

And I've never read...

A book.

And I wanted to have a family.

And I wanted to have loads of practice

in the things that you've got to do to get a family.

Holly, I'd like to send an Internal memo.

Black border.

Begins, "To Dave Lister,

"Condolences on your passing away."

What's that poem?

"Now, weary traveller,

"Rest your head. For just like me, you're utterly dead."

Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on.

- What is it, Hot? - There's an emergency, Dave-

The navicom 's overheating. I need your help in the Drive Room.

Come in number 169. Your time is up.

Okay, what was I wearing?

Uh, that jacket and that red T-shirt.

You said yourself,

I can't stop it. Let's get it over with.

Lister, what's that for?

I'm going out like I came in, screaming and kicking.

You can't whack Death on the head.

If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off.

I 'm afraid it can 't cope with the influx of data

at light speed, Dave-

Could you hook it up to the drive computer for me?

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

I did it! I'm not going to die.

Dog attack!

Don't know why you're so chirpy.

I'm alive.

For how long? It'll probably happen tomorrow or Thursday.

- Maybe It's not going to happen at all. - It was you.

I saw you. I'm sure it was you.

Hello, Dave.

This is me. I mean, you.

I mean, I am you.

This Is you aged 171, Dave.

I know you're there because when I was your age,

I saw me at my age telling you what I'm about to tell you,

and you've got to tell you when you get to be me.

Thank heavens you've still got all your marbles, Lister.

Shh!

- I've got to tell you about Bexley. - Who's Bexley?

I was always going to call my second son Bexley afterJim Bexley Speed.

Your second son? What were you going to call your first son?

Jim. After Jim Bexley Speed.

It wasn't you Rimmer saw in the Drive Room, it was Bexley.

Rimmer, you saw me son die!

Never mind this tott! What about me, old man?

What happens to me? Do I become an officer?

Rimmer, I'm going to have two sons! Isn't it fantastic?

- But one of them one dies. - Yeah, well, everyone dies.

You're born and you die.

The bit in the middle is called life and that's still to come.

Go and get your camera. You haven't got much time.

Get your camera and run to the medical unit. Run!

What about me? What happens to me?

He can't hear us, Rimmer. He's from the future.

Ah, but if I ask you now, you can remember it,

and when you get to be him, you can tell me.

Boss thinking!

Rimmer, you wanted to know what happened to you?

Yes.

- Come closer, come closer still. - Yes.

- Yes. Yes. - Closer.

You goit.

No, you goit.

You're all goits. I'm surrounded by goits.

Holly, you're a goit.

- I'm a what? - You heard!

What's happening, Hol?

Are we going to see my funeral or something?

Look, the faster we go,

the more into the future the future echoes are.

And now, since we've just started to slow down,

the future echoes are nearer to the present. Clear?

No.

Tough.

Wait a minute. I don't understand

how you're supposed to get two sons

without a woman on the ship.

Neither do I.

But it's going to be a laugh finding out.

I can't see you, but I know you can see me.

I'd like you to meet your two sons.

This is Jim and this is Bexley.

Crying and say cheese, Stop boys.