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1
00:01:03,761 --> 00:01:07,401
This is an $05 distress call
from the mining ship Red Dwarf.
2
00:01:07,481 --> 00:01:10,321
The crew are dead,
killed by a radiation leak.
3
00:01:10,561 --> 00:01:12,361
The only survivors were Dave Lister,
4
00:01:12,441 --> 00:01:15,161
who was in suspended animation
during the disaster,
5
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:18,201
and his pregnant cat,
who was safely sealed in the hold.
6
00:01:18,281 --> 00:01:20,201
Revived three million years later,
7
00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:24,001
Lister's only companions are
a life form who evolved from his cat,
8
00:01:24,081 --> 00:01:25,201
and Arnold Rimmer,
9
00:01:25,281 --> 00:01:28,081
a hologram simulation
of one of the dead crew.
10
00:01:29,761 --> 00:01:32,961
I am Holly, the ship's computer,
with an IQ of 6,000,
11
00:01:33,041 --> 00:01:35,361
the same IQ as
6,000 PE teachers.
12
00:01:38,481 --> 00:01:41,681
♪ On a ship
excavating for a mine
13
00:01:41,761 --> 00:01:46,001
♪ Lived an old plutonium miner
and his daughter Clementine ♪
14
00:01:46,921 --> 00:01:49,681
Lister RD 52169.
15
00:01:49,841 --> 00:01:52,081
Yes? Can I help you?
16
00:01:52,161 --> 00:01:54,321
- You've got a lisp.
- Yes. lknow.
17
00:01:54,441 --> 00:01:56,841
The lisp malfunction
has been reported to the skutters.
18
00:01:56,921 --> 00:01:58,721
Sorry for the inconvenience.
19
00:01:58,801 --> 00:02:00,441
Can you give me a bacon sandwich
20
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:02,401
With French
mustard and black coffee?
21
00:02:05,561 --> 00:02:07,961
Your vocabulary unit's
not working either.
22
00:02:08,041 --> 00:02:11,081
Yes. I know. This also has been
reported to the skutters.
23
00:02:11,161 --> 00:02:12,961
Sorry for the inconvenience.
24
00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:15,241
Can you just try
and give me a black coffee?
25
00:02:15,321 --> 00:02:16,761
I 'll certainly try.
26
00:02:21,721 --> 00:02:23,961
- That's a bucket.
27
00:02:25,881 --> 00:02:26,881
Morning, Lister.
28
00:02:26,961 --> 00:02:28,601
How's life in hippie heaven,
29
00:02:28,681 --> 00:02:30,961
you pregnant,
baboon-bellied space beatnik?
30
00:02:31,201 --> 00:02:33,121
What's the plan for the day, then?
31
00:02:33,201 --> 00:02:35,801
Slobbing in the morning,
followed by slobbing in the afternoon,
32
00:02:35,881 --> 00:02:38,761
then a bit of a snooze
before the main evening slob?
33
00:02:38,841 --> 00:02:40,761
You're a disgrace to the species.
34
00:02:44,921 --> 00:02:46,481
Good morning, Rimmer.
35
00:02:48,361 --> 00:02:50,161
Clock stop!
36
00:02:50,241 --> 00:02:53,361
6:47.
Not a had little time for the mile.
37
00:02:54,561 --> 00:02:57,041
Pity I was only doing the 300 metres.
38
00:02:57,121 --> 00:02:58,801
Still,
I had that conversation with Lister.
39
00:02:58,881 --> 00:03:00,961
Knock four minutes off for that.
40
00:03:01,401 --> 00:03:02,641
Then I stopped to have a rest,
41
00:03:02,721 --> 00:03:05,241
so I wouldn't looked too shagged out
when I went past him.
42
00:03:05,361 --> 00:03:08,041
Knock that off
and I've broken the world record!
43
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:10,321
Well done, Rimsey,
you're fitter than you thought.
44
00:03:10,401 --> 00:03:11,881
Holly, give me a clean uniform.
45
00:03:12,001 --> 00:03:13,801
9:47 a.m., Arnold.
46
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,121
No.
A clean uniform, you Idiot.
47
00:03:16,601 --> 00:03:18,081
Look,
I'm rather busy at the moment.
48
00:03:18,361 --> 00:03:19,761
Now!
49
00:03:23,801 --> 00:03:25,441
And give me a crew-cut, Holly.
50
00:03:25,521 --> 00:03:28,401
I'm beginning to look
like one of those Hells Angels.
51
00:03:28,681 --> 00:03:32,081
Arnold, we're going
to hit light speed in 24 hours.
52
00:03:32,161 --> 00:03:34,641
I have to navigate a ship
the size of a city
53
00:03:34,721 --> 00:03:36,561
through speeds
never before encountered
54
00:03:36,641 --> 00:03:38,521
in the human
sphere of experience.
55
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:41,161
I'm not a combination
of the speaking clock,
56
00:03:41,241 --> 00:03:43,281
Moss Bros and Teasy-Weasy.
57
00:03:43,961 --> 00:03:46,361
Holly, a hologram I may be,
58
00:03:46,441 --> 00:03:49,641
but I'm still the highest ranking
technician aboard this ship.
59
00:03:49,841 --> 00:03:52,801
When I say do something, you do it.
Understand?
60
00:03:53,081 --> 00:03:55,121
You stupid, jumped up Filofax.
61
00:03:56,041 --> 00:03:57,681
- I'm a what?
- You heard.
62
00:03:58,161 --> 00:04:00,001
Just get on with it.
Very short.
63
00:04:00,401 --> 00:04:01,961
Okay, Arnold.
64
00:04:05,081 --> 00:04:06,121
Have you done it, Hot?
65
00:04:06,201 --> 00:04:07,201
Yes.
66
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,241
A crew-cut and it's very short?
67
00:04:09,321 --> 00:04:10,761
Yes, Arnold.
68
00:04:10,841 --> 00:04:13,961
As my father always said,
shiny, clean boots
69
00:04:14,041 --> 00:04:17,841
and a spanking, short haircut
and you can cope with anything.
70
00:04:17,921 --> 00:04:21,481
He said thatjust before that
rather unfortunate suicide business.
71
00:04:27,161 --> 00:04:30,121
Ah, now that one's me
with Jim Bexley Speed.
72
00:04:30,281 --> 00:04:33,281
He played for the London Jets
Zero Gravity Football Team.
73
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:34,761
He was roof attack.
74
00:04:34,921 --> 00:04:37,041
As you can see,
he was really, really,
75
00:04:37,121 --> 00:04:39,281
really, really thrilled
to meet me.
76
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,161
Who's that guy?
77
00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:43,441
That's me grandmother.
78
00:04:43,521 --> 00:04:46,321
She brought me up.
She was a great old lady.
79
00:04:46,601 --> 00:04:47,921
I got expelled from school once
80
00:04:48,001 --> 00:04:50,841
'cause she nutted the headmaster
when I came bottom in French.
81
00:04:51,281 --> 00:04:52,641
Wow, that's nice.
82
00:04:52,721 --> 00:04:55,161
It's just a Jupiter rise.
Everyone takes that shot.
83
00:04:57,721 --> 00:04:59,881
Who is that?
84
00:04:59,961 --> 00:05:02,521
That's me dad.
That's the only picture I've got of him.
85
00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:05,161
He's your father?
No wonder you're so ugly.
86
00:05:05,241 --> 00:05:07,281
No.
That's his dog, Hannah.
87
00:05:07,521 --> 00:05:08,641
Dog? What's a dog?
88
00:05:08,721 --> 00:05:09,961
It's just a pet.
89
00:05:10,121 --> 00:05:11,401
Ugly!
90
00:05:12,121 --> 00:05:14,761
You go get your stuff
and let me pack mine. Okay?
91
00:05:14,841 --> 00:05:16,201
Will you do that for me?
92
00:05:16,281 --> 00:05:19,681
This, er, dog.
He better not be around here any place
93
00:05:19,761 --> 00:05:22,241
'cause if he is,
I may have to chase him.
94
00:05:22,321 --> 00:05:23,401
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
95
00:05:23,481 --> 00:05:25,041
Do you know how big they are?
96
00:05:25,121 --> 00:05:29,241
They're about 18 foot long.
And they got teeth as big as your leg.
97
00:05:29,321 --> 00:05:30,521
- Yea h?
- Yeah.
98
00:05:30,601 --> 00:05:32,801
Well, I may have
to chase him anyway.
99
00:05:36,961 --> 00:05:40,281
Oh, Lennon!
Look what's happened to McCartney.
100
00:05:44,961 --> 00:05:46,441
Oh, hey.
101
00:05:56,201 --> 00:05:58,281
Old mechanical engineering!
102
00:05:59,081 --> 00:06:00,681
Hey! Perfection!
103
00:06:01,841 --> 00:06:03,921
And they said
you was a waste of money.
104
00:06:13,921 --> 00:06:15,001
What's he looking at?
105
00:06:15,161 --> 00:06:16,241
Who?
106
00:06:16,321 --> 00:06:17,961
That idiotic cat.
107
00:06:22,321 --> 00:06:24,041
What have you done to your hair?
108
00:06:24,121 --> 00:06:25,161
Holly did it.
109
00:06:25,241 --> 00:06:26,281
Why?
110
00:06:26,361 --> 00:06:27,401
'Cause I ordered him to.
111
00:06:27,841 --> 00:06:29,361
It looks ridiculous.
112
00:06:29,441 --> 00:06:30,921
It may look ridiculous to you,
Lister,
113
00:06:31,001 --> 00:06:33,441
but I like it like this.
Makes me feel like a man.
114
00:06:35,281 --> 00:06:38,561
Yeah. And you'll probably
get one looking like that.
115
00:06:38,641 --> 00:06:40,601
There's nothing wrong with short hair,
Lister.
116
00:06:40,681 --> 00:06:42,801
Gives a man a sense of dignity,
a sense of discipline.
117
00:06:43,121 --> 00:06:44,641
Rimmer, have you seen it?
118
00:06:44,921 --> 00:06:46,441
I don't need to see it.
119
00:06:46,521 --> 00:06:48,681
I didn't get this haircut
to look good.
120
00:06:48,761 --> 00:06:52,761
This is a haircut designed for action,
not poncing around in.
121
00:06:52,841 --> 00:06:55,801
May be a bit severe.
A bit too green beret.
122
00:06:58,601 --> 00:07:00,401
But you are how you look,
123
00:07:00,481 --> 00:07:01,841
and I look...
124
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,921
Like a complete and total tit!
125
00:07:06,721 --> 00:07:08,161
Holly! Holly!
126
00:07:08,681 --> 00:07:11,801
This is a recording.
I 'm afraid Holly is busy at the moment.
127
00:07:12,201 --> 00:07:14,601
If you 'a' like
leave a message after the bleep,
128
00:07:14,681 --> 00:07:16,401
he '11 get back to you.
129
00:07:16,481 --> 00:07:17,521
Bleep.
130
00:07:18,801 --> 00:07:21,641
Holly, this is Rimmer.
Remember me? Rimmer.
131
00:07:21,721 --> 00:07:25,561
Arnold Rimmer. The poor goit
you made look like Helen Shapiro.
132
00:07:26,481 --> 00:07:28,841
I'll see you toast
on the fires of hell for this.
133
00:07:29,321 --> 00:07:31,321
Did someone say
they wanted toast?
134
00:07:31,401 --> 00:07:32,721
Shut up.
135
00:07:34,001 --> 00:07:35,161
What are you doing?
136
00:07:35,241 --> 00:07:37,281
I'm going into stasis.
I thought Holly told you.
137
00:07:37,481 --> 00:07:38,881
Stasis? What for?
138
00:07:38,961 --> 00:07:41,361
Holly said to go into it
while we went through light speed.
139
00:07:41,441 --> 00:07:42,761
And then I thought,
what the hell,
140
00:07:42,841 --> 00:07:44,521
why not stay until
we get back to Earth?
141
00:07:44,801 --> 00:07:46,841
Earth?
That's three million years away.
142
00:07:46,921 --> 00:07:48,921
You can't leave me alone
for three million years.
143
00:07:49,001 --> 00:07:50,361
I'll go peculiar.
144
00:07:52,961 --> 00:07:55,801
Holly, look, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be rude.
145
00:07:55,881 --> 00:07:58,361
Can I please
have my own hair back?
146
00:07:58,801 --> 00:08:00,681
Pretty please with sugar on?
147
00:08:00,841 --> 00:08:02,721
I'll think about it, Arnold.
148
00:08:05,601 --> 00:08:08,201
Holly's supposed to have told you.
I thought you didn't mind.
149
00:08:08,281 --> 00:08:10,881
Mind? Mind?
Why should I mind?
150
00:08:10,961 --> 00:08:14,441
300,000 millennia alone,
while you're in suspended animation?
151
00:08:14,521 --> 00:08:16,201
I'll be fine.
I'll do that crossword book.
152
00:08:16,281 --> 00:08:17,801
That should kill
a couple of centuries.
153
00:08:17,921 --> 00:08:19,841
Holly'll switch you off
until we come back out.
154
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,161
Even better.
Switch me on, switch me off,
155
00:08:22,241 --> 00:08:24,321
like I'm some
battery-powered sex aid.
156
00:08:24,401 --> 00:08:26,121
Oh, come on, Rimmer,
don't give me this.
157
00:08:26,321 --> 00:08:27,361
Don't give you what?
158
00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:29,801
I'm dead, Lister,
or haven't you noticed?
159
00:08:29,881 --> 00:08:32,601
I know you're dead, Rimmer.
Don't whinge on about it.
160
00:08:33,161 --> 00:08:34,561
Sorry to be a bore.
161
00:08:35,241 --> 00:08:37,441
I mean, you're everything
you were when you were alive.
162
00:08:37,521 --> 00:08:40,081
Same personality,
same everything.
163
00:08:40,601 --> 00:08:43,641
Apart from
the miniscule detail that I'm a stiffy.
164
00:08:44,321 --> 00:08:45,761
Rimmer, death isn't the handicap
165
00:08:45,841 --> 00:08:47,401
it used to be in the olden days.
166
00:08:47,521 --> 00:08:49,441
It doesn't screw your career up
like it used to.
167
00:08:49,561 --> 00:08:50,721
That's what they say, Lister,
168
00:08:50,761 --> 00:08:52,481
but if you had two people
coming for a job
169
00:08:52,561 --> 00:08:54,681
and one of them was dead,
which one would you pick?
170
00:08:56,921 --> 00:08:58,601
It depends which
is better qualified.
171
00:08:58,801 --> 00:09:02,121
Bullpats. When was the last time
you saw a dead newsreader?
172
00:09:03,441 --> 00:09:05,681
Channel 27 had a hologram
reading the news.
173
00:09:06,001 --> 00:09:10,041
Oh. Groovy,
funky Channel 27.
174
00:09:10,721 --> 00:09:13,681
Big smegging deal.
You livies hate us deadies.
175
00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,361
Rimmer,
if I'm going back to Earth,
176
00:09:15,441 --> 00:09:17,681
I'm gonna have to
go into stasis.
177
00:09:18,121 --> 00:09:21,401
It's gonna take 4,000 years
just to turn around.
178
00:09:21,481 --> 00:09:22,721
You can't do a three-point turn
179
00:09:22,801 --> 00:09:24,681
when you're this
close to light speed.
180
00:09:24,761 --> 00:09:25,801
Oh, really?
181
00:09:25,881 --> 00:09:28,641
Where did you read that,
The Ladybird Book of Astrona Vigation?
182
00:09:29,641 --> 00:09:32,321
- It happens to be true.
- I know it's true, modo.
183
00:09:32,401 --> 00:09:35,321
I have taken the astronavigation exam,
nine times.
184
00:09:35,401 --> 00:09:37,521
Ten, if you count the time
I had my spasm.
185
00:09:38,961 --> 00:09:42,081
Rimmer, you'll only be turned off
until we get back to Earth.
186
00:09:42,161 --> 00:09:44,561
Where you won't need me,
so I won't get switched back on.
187
00:09:45,361 --> 00:09:46,641
They might be able to cure you.
188
00:09:46,721 --> 00:09:49,481
They've probably made great advances
and that while we've been away.
189
00:09:49,561 --> 00:09:50,721
Oh, yes.
190
00:09:50,801 --> 00:09:53,281
I expect they cured death
the instant we left Earth.
191
00:09:53,601 --> 00:09:56,121
I expect doctors' surgeries
are packed with the dead.
192
00:09:56,201 --> 00:09:58,881
"Hello, Mrs Johnson.
Take one of these three times a day,
193
00:09:58,961 --> 00:10:00,681
"you'll soon be living again.
194
00:10:00,761 --> 00:10:02,401
"Carol, next corpse, please."
195
00:10:02,841 --> 00:10:04,041
They might.
196
00:10:04,121 --> 00:10:06,561
Yes, Lister.
They might If the Earth hasn't blown up.
197
00:10:06,761 --> 00:10:09,241
Or the ants haven't taken over.
198
00:10:09,441 --> 00:10:11,921
Well, you'll be in your element
if insects are in control.
199
00:10:12,001 --> 00:10:13,681
You'll probably
get a decentjob at last.
200
00:10:13,761 --> 00:10:16,121
- Yeah, yeah.
- You'll probably run for government.
201
00:10:16,201 --> 00:10:17,281
Yeah, yeah.
202
00:10:17,521 --> 00:10:19,761
You'll probably even make it
as a male model.
203
00:10:22,881 --> 00:10:23,961
Git.
204
00:10:35,121 --> 00:10:37,441
♪ To Ganymede and Titan
205
00:10:41,201 --> 00:10:43,961
♪ Yes, sir, I've been around
206
00:10:45,081 --> 00:10:49,321
♪ But there ain't no place
in the whole of space
207
00:10:50,361 --> 00:10:53,001
♪ Like that good
ol' toddlin ' town
208
00:10:53,801 --> 00:10:55,521
♪ Oh
209
00:10:55,601 --> 00:10:57,241
♪ Lunar...
210
00:11:11,441 --> 00:11:13,361
♪ Lunar City 7 ♪
211
00:11:13,561 --> 00:11:15,721
You can 't sing, you know
212
00:11:15,801 --> 00:11:17,161
And you can, can you?
213
00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:20,001
Oh, just 'cause I 'm a toaster,
I 'm tone deaf?
214
00:11:20,081 --> 00:11:21,721
Well, go on, then.
215
00:11:22,761 --> 00:11:25,041
Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom.
Hey.
216
00:11:25,121 --> 00:11:28,601
♪ Fly me to
the moon and let me... ♪
217
00:11:30,521 --> 00:11:31,921
♪ Lunar City 7... ♪
218
00:11:41,081 --> 00:11:42,281
What was that?
219
00:11:42,361 --> 00:11:45,761
Um, I 1:14 ship time, Dan.
220
00:11:45,841 --> 00:11:48,121
No, Holly.
What was that flash?
221
00:11:48,561 --> 00:11:51,241
We've broken the light barrier
22 hours early.
222
00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:53,561
Oh.
Is everyone all right?
223
00:11:53,801 --> 00:11:55,841
I can't do it.
I can't cope.
224
00:11:55,921 --> 00:11:59,281
We're going at the speed of light.
Me bottle's gone.
225
00:11:59,361 --> 00:12:02,001
Holly, ls everyone all right?
226
00:12:02,361 --> 00:12:03,481
No, I'm not.
227
00:12:03,561 --> 00:12:05,281
I thought I could
navigate at light speed,
228
00:12:05,361 --> 00:12:07,441
but I just can't
wrap me head round it.
229
00:12:08,881 --> 00:12:10,641
Gordon Bennett,
that was a close one.
230
00:12:11,361 --> 00:12:12,641
Holly, what's the problem?
231
00:12:12,721 --> 00:12:15,241
You're supposed to have
an IQ of 6,000, aren't you?
232
00:12:15,321 --> 00:12:17,641
Look, we're travelling faster
than the speed of light.
233
00:12:17,721 --> 00:12:19,281
That means by the time
we see something,
234
00:12:19,361 --> 00:12:20,841
we've already passed through it.
235
00:12:21,001 --> 00:12:24,321
Even with an IQ of 6,000
it's still brown trousers time.
236
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:28,281
Can I help?
237
00:12:28,521 --> 00:12:31,161
No, it's all right.
I'm getting the hang of it now.
238
00:12:31,281 --> 00:12:34,081
Left a bit, straighten her up.
I better go.
239
00:12:37,121 --> 00:12:40,641
♪ To Ganymede and Titan
Yes, sir, I 'Ve been around ♪
240
00:12:43,401 --> 00:12:45,121
Rimmer! Rimmer!
241
00:12:58,201 --> 00:13:01,761
♪ To Ganymede and Titan
Yes, sir, I 'Ve been... ♪
242
00:13:03,481 --> 00:13:05,121
Rimmer!
243
00:13:06,481 --> 00:13:08,201
What? What is it?
244
00:13:08,361 --> 00:13:11,361
Did you see anything
really weird in that mirror?
245
00:13:13,561 --> 00:13:15,441
Yes.
You, you ugly goit.
246
00:13:15,521 --> 00:13:17,801
No.
It was really odd.
247
00:13:18,161 --> 00:13:19,641
What was?
248
00:13:19,921 --> 00:13:21,881
Oh, nothing.
Forget it, doesn't matter.
249
00:13:22,041 --> 00:13:23,441
What doesn't matter?
250
00:13:23,521 --> 00:13:25,161
Nothing, forget it.
It doesn't matter.
251
00:13:26,841 --> 00:13:28,801
Lister, have you been
at that marijuana gin again?
252
00:13:28,881 --> 00:13:30,881
I said, forget it.
It doesn't matter.
253
00:13:30,961 --> 00:13:33,481
Fine. Well, if you have any more
problems with nothing
254
00:13:33,561 --> 00:13:36,601
and things that don't matter,
just scream out my name hysterically
255
00:13:36,681 --> 00:13:39,521
and I'll come pelting down
the corridor, all right?
256
00:13:45,681 --> 00:13:47,761
♪ This little
kitty went to space
257
00:13:47,841 --> 00:13:50,241
♪ This little
kitty stayed at home
258
00:13:50,321 --> 00:13:51,881
♪ Oh, ooh... -
259
00:13:52,561 --> 00:13:54,241
♪ Yeah, my clothes are... ♪
260
00:13:54,321 --> 00:13:55,921
What are you doing?
261
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,121
I'm doing what you said do.
262
00:13:58,201 --> 00:14:00,401
I said,
take a few essential basics
263
00:14:00,481 --> 00:14:02,401
you couldn't bear to leave behind.
264
00:14:02,481 --> 00:14:04,721
Right.
These are all I'm taking.
265
00:14:04,801 --> 00:14:09,361
Just these and the other 10 racks.
Travel light, move fast.
266
00:14:09,441 --> 00:14:12,201
You can't take all of this.
There's no room.
267
00:14:12,361 --> 00:14:14,921
Okay, then I'll leave...
268
00:14:15,481 --> 00:14:16,681
This.
269
00:14:17,241 --> 00:14:18,921
I'll just have to do without it.
270
00:14:20,561 --> 00:14:22,361
You can take two suits
and that's it.
271
00:14:22,441 --> 00:14:24,281
Two suits?
Then I'm staying.
272
00:14:24,481 --> 00:14:26,881
You can't stay.
By the time I come out, you'll be dead.
273
00:14:26,961 --> 00:14:28,641
Two suits is dead.
274
00:14:29,761 --> 00:14:33,241
Hey! If I cut off my leg
and leave it behind, can I take three?
275
00:14:34,601 --> 00:14:37,721
We're going into stasis in 10 minutes.
I'll meet you in the sleeping quarters.
276
00:14:39,241 --> 00:14:40,681
Yo, Rimmer, look.
I've been thinking.
277
00:14:40,761 --> 00:14:41,921
What?
278
00:14:42,001 --> 00:14:43,921
You know,
about going into stasis and everything.
279
00:14:44,001 --> 00:14:46,001
How did I do what?
280
00:14:48,921 --> 00:14:51,161
What do you mean,
how did I do what?
281
00:14:51,241 --> 00:14:52,641
Lister, don't be a gimboid.
282
00:14:52,721 --> 00:14:54,361
I'm not being a gimboid.
283
00:14:57,721 --> 00:15:00,561
I've just been in the library thinking
and I've decided...
284
00:15:01,481 --> 00:15:02,721
Shut up.
285
00:15:03,961 --> 00:15:06,921
As I was saying before
I was so rudely interrupted,
286
00:15:07,001 --> 00:15:08,721
I've decided
when you go into stasis,
287
00:15:08,801 --> 00:15:10,561
I want to stay behind,
I want to be left on.
288
00:15:10,641 --> 00:15:12,961
What,
on your own for the rest of your life?
289
00:15:13,241 --> 00:15:15,081
- What things?
- Eh?
290
00:15:16,721 --> 00:15:17,761
I said, what?
291
00:15:17,841 --> 00:15:18,921
What's going on?
292
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,001
You are space crazy.
293
00:15:21,081 --> 00:15:22,761
I'm space crazy?
294
00:15:22,841 --> 00:15:25,721
You're the one who's space crazy.
295
00:15:26,441 --> 00:15:29,321
Well, it probably is deja-vu.
It sounds like it.
296
00:15:36,041 --> 00:15:40,521
Ah, Rimmer! I've just seen you
walk out of that door.
297
00:15:40,881 --> 00:15:42,961
- What?
- How did you do that?
298
00:15:43,361 --> 00:15:44,561
How did I do what?
299
00:15:44,641 --> 00:15:47,081
You just this second
walked out of that door.
300
00:15:47,241 --> 00:15:48,521
Lister, don't be a gimboid.
301
00:15:48,601 --> 00:15:51,881
I swear on me grandmother's life,
as you walked out that door,
302
00:15:51,961 --> 00:15:53,561
you came in this one.
303
00:15:53,641 --> 00:15:56,041
I've just been in the library thinking
and I've decided...
304
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,481
- Rimmer, I'm telling you...
- Shut up.
305
00:15:58,561 --> 00:16:00,801
As I was saying before
I was so rudely interrupted,
306
00:16:00,881 --> 00:16:02,361
I've decided
when you go into stasis,
307
00:16:02,441 --> 00:16:04,481
I want to stay behind,
I want to be left on.
308
00:16:04,681 --> 00:16:07,241
Rimmer, you've just come in
and said exactly these things.
309
00:16:07,321 --> 00:16:08,801
- What things?
- You said that.
310
00:16:08,881 --> 00:16:10,081
I said what?
311
00:16:10,161 --> 00:16:11,361
And that.
You said that.
312
00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:12,681
You are space crazy.
313
00:16:12,761 --> 00:16:13,841
And then you said,
314
00:16:13,921 --> 00:16:16,201
'Well,
It probably is deja-vu.'
315
00:16:16,401 --> 00:16:19,121
Well, it probably is deja-vu.
It sounds like it.
316
00:16:20,281 --> 00:16:23,321
Well, go on then.
Shake your head and walk out.
317
00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:29,521
Rimmer, listen.
Will you just listen?
318
00:16:29,601 --> 00:16:31,761
My tooth! My tooth.
I think I lost my tooth!
319
00:16:31,841 --> 00:16:34,201
Cat, wait.
Rimmer, listen.
320
00:16:34,721 --> 00:16:37,561
#I'm gonna eat you,
little fish/es
321
00:16:37,961 --> 00:16:39,041
♪ I'm gonna eat you... ♪
322
00:16:39,121 --> 00:16:40,681
Uh-oh.
Er...
323
00:16:40,761 --> 00:16:42,681
I was just making sure
your fish were okay.
324
00:16:42,761 --> 00:16:44,001
I wasn't going to eat them.
325
00:16:45,681 --> 00:16:47,281
He just walked past us.
326
00:16:47,361 --> 00:16:49,161
It must be something
to do with light speed.
327
00:16:49,241 --> 00:16:51,441
- Holly, what's going on?
- It's light speed, I bet you.
328
00:16:51,481 --> 00:16:53,641
- Is your name Holly?
- "Is your name Holly?"
329
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,441
Holly, what is going on?
330
00:16:56,721 --> 00:17:00,281
Look, I'm a 10th generation
AI hologramic computer.
331
00:17:00,361 --> 00:17:01,921
I'm not your mum.
332
00:17:02,001 --> 00:17:03,521
Yes.
Fantastic.
333
00:17:03,721 --> 00:17:05,961
What do you want this time?
A hand with your homework
334
00:17:06,041 --> 00:17:09,041
or would you like me to sew
little name tags in your PE kit?
335
00:17:10,041 --> 00:17:14,721
Holly, watch my lips.
What is happening?
336
00:17:15,321 --> 00:17:17,321
With the mirror
and the Cat and everything.
337
00:17:17,481 --> 00:17:18,601
Oh, that.
338
00:17:18,681 --> 00:17:21,441
You're seeing future echoes.
Didn't I explain this to you?
339
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:23,201
What are future echoes?
340
00:17:23,441 --> 00:17:25,001
How simple do you want this?
341
00:17:25,081 --> 00:17:26,681
So Lister can understand it.
342
00:17:27,121 --> 00:17:28,641
Oh, dear.
343
00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:31,681
It's difficult, I know.
344
00:17:31,761 --> 00:17:33,761
We 79 travelling faster than Ls; right?
345
00:17:33,841 --> 00:17:36,001
- What's LS?
- Light speed.
346
00:17:36,361 --> 00:17:37,881
Smartarse.
347
00:17:38,041 --> 00:17:39,481
Consequently, you're catching up
348
00:17:39,561 --> 00:17:42,121
with things you're about to do
before you've actually done them.
349
00:17:42,721 --> 00:17:45,041
Ah!
So we're seeing bits of the future?
350
00:17:45,121 --> 00:17:46,121
Yes.
351
00:17:46,201 --> 00:17:48,801
See, I told you it was light speed.
You should've asked me.
352
00:17:49,121 --> 00:17:50,241
Can they see us?
353
00:17:50,321 --> 00:17:51,961
Of course not.
Use your loaf.
354
00:17:52,041 --> 00:17:54,201
So wait.
Are you saying the Cat
355
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:56,761
is gonna break his tooth
some time in the future?
356
00:17:56,961 --> 00:17:59,121
Yes. I didn't think
you wanted it this simple.
357
00:17:59,401 --> 00:18:01,681
There ain't nobody
gonna break my tooth.
358
00:18:01,961 --> 00:18:03,641
How long is this going to last?
359
00:18:03,721 --> 00:18:05,481
Until the re verse thrust takes effect
360
00:18:05,561 --> 00:18:07,681
and we drop below light speed.
361
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,401
What's that photograph?
362
00:18:09,481 --> 00:18:10,841
It's me and Frankenstein,
isn't it?
363
00:18:10,921 --> 00:18:12,561
No.
The one with the babies.
364
00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:16,321
Babies?
I've never seen it before.
365
00:18:16,641 --> 00:18:19,321
Holly, is this what
you call a future echo?
366
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:22,201
Yes, of course it is. Bozo-
367
00:18:24,281 --> 00:18:25,761
Two babies.
368
00:18:26,361 --> 00:18:28,001
How do I get two babies?
369
00:18:32,441 --> 00:18:35,521
♪ Ganymede and Titan
Yes, sir, I've been around
370
00:18:35,721 --> 00:18:37,921
♪ But there ain't no place
in the whole of space... ♪
371
00:18:38,001 --> 00:18:39,681
What's this, guys?
372
00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:44,961
"Don't go into stasis.
Please don't leave us with Rimmer."
373
00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:48,601
I'm sorry, guys,
I've got to. We need you.
374
00:18:48,921 --> 00:18:51,161
There's nothing for me here.
I want to go back to Earth.
375
00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:54,081
Don't do that.
I don't care what it's like.
376
00:18:54,161 --> 00:18:55,441
It's got to be better than this.
377
00:18:55,521 --> 00:18:57,441
I don't care if
the dolphins have taken over
378
00:18:57,521 --> 00:19:00,521
and all the people are in
the human being-atarium, you know.
379
00:19:00,601 --> 00:19:02,601
I just want to find out.
380
00:19:04,081 --> 00:19:05,721
What was that?
381
00:19:18,281 --> 00:19:19,521
What was that?
382
00:19:19,601 --> 00:19:21,361
Brace yourself
for a bit of a shock, Lister,
383
00:19:21,441 --> 00:19:23,521
- but I just saw you die.
- What?
384
00:19:23,601 --> 00:19:25,041
I did warn you to brace yourself.
385
00:19:25,521 --> 00:19:27,001
You didn't give me much of a chance.
386
00:19:27,081 --> 00:19:28,681
I gave you ample bracing time.
387
00:19:28,761 --> 00:19:30,601
No, you didn't.
You didn't even pause.
388
00:19:30,681 --> 00:19:33,921
Well, I'm sorry.
I've just had a rather nasty experience.
389
00:19:34,001 --> 00:19:36,281
I've just seen someone I know die
390
00:19:36,361 --> 00:19:38,641
in the most hideous,
hideous way!
391
00:19:40,041 --> 00:19:41,281
Yeah, me!
392
00:19:41,361 --> 00:19:42,921
You were fiddling
around with the...
393
00:19:43,161 --> 00:19:45,281
I don't wanna know.
I don't wanna know.
394
00:19:45,481 --> 00:19:48,721
- You don't want to know how you die?
- No! Was it quick?
395
00:19:49,681 --> 00:19:52,841
Well,
I wouldn't say It was super-fast.
396
00:19:52,921 --> 00:19:56,761
Not if you count the thrashing around
and the agonised squealing.
397
00:19:57,761 --> 00:19:59,361
You're really loving this,
aren't you?
398
00:19:59,521 --> 00:20:01,161
What a horrible thing to say.
399
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:03,441
- It was definitely me?
- Oh, yes.
400
00:20:03,601 --> 00:20:05,081
I don't wanna know.
401
00:20:05,681 --> 00:20:07,841
- How old did I look?
- How old are you now?
402
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:11,401
- Twenty five.
- How old did I look? Hmm, mid-205.
403
00:20:11,761 --> 00:20:15,681
Smeg! I'm not ready.
I'm not smegging ready!
404
00:20:16,201 --> 00:20:17,561
You did seem surprised.
405
00:20:19,081 --> 00:20:21,481
Ah.
Did you actually see me face?
406
00:20:21,561 --> 00:20:23,761
You were wearing a hat,
but it was definitely you.
407
00:20:23,841 --> 00:20:26,841
Well, there you go, I won't wear a hat,
then it can't happen, can it?
408
00:20:26,921 --> 00:20:28,321
I can live without a hat.
409
00:20:28,481 --> 00:20:29,921
Lister, it has happened.
410
00:20:30,001 --> 00:20:31,321
You can't change it
any more than
411
00:20:31,401 --> 00:20:33,441
you can change what you had
for breakfast yesterday.
412
00:20:33,521 --> 00:20:34,841
It hasn't happened, has it?
413
00:20:34,921 --> 00:20:37,761
It has will have going to have
happened happened,
414
00:20:37,841 --> 00:20:41,321
but it hasn't actually
happened-happened yet, actually.
415
00:20:41,401 --> 00:20:43,561
Poppycock.
It will be happened,
416
00:20:43,641 --> 00:20:45,561
it shall be going
to be happening,
417
00:20:45,641 --> 00:20:47,361
it will be
was an event that could
418
00:20:47,441 --> 00:20:49,441
will have been
taken place in the future.
419
00:20:49,521 --> 00:20:52,881
Simple as that.
Your bucket's been kicked, baby.
420
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:54,961
Says you.
421
00:20:55,161 --> 00:20:57,961
Says me and Albert Einstein.
Thank you very much.
422
00:20:58,041 --> 00:21:00,561
Albo and I
happen to agree on this one.
423
00:21:00,641 --> 00:21:02,281
It's called
the Theory of Relativity.
424
00:21:02,601 --> 00:21:04,441
All right.
Okay, okay.
425
00:21:05,521 --> 00:21:06,881
Right.
426
00:21:06,961 --> 00:21:09,641
The Cat broke his tooth
in a future echo, right?
427
00:21:10,161 --> 00:21:12,641
- Now if I can stop him breaking it...
- Can't be done.
428
00:21:12,721 --> 00:21:14,961
- Then I can stop me from dying.
- Can't be done.
429
00:21:15,161 --> 00:21:16,801
Now, how would
the Cat break his tooth?
430
00:21:19,561 --> 00:21:22,801
He'd be eating something,
eating something hard.
431
00:21:24,441 --> 00:21:26,841
My robot goldfish!
Eating my robot goldfish.
432
00:21:26,921 --> 00:21:28,241
Holly, where's the Cat?
433
00:21:28,321 --> 00:21:30,641
He's just going into
your sleeping quarters, Dave.
434
00:21:30,721 --> 00:21:32,401
Oh, smegging hell!
435
00:21:34,641 --> 00:21:37,401
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm back. Feeling good.
436
00:21:38,881 --> 00:21:40,201
How am I looking?
437
00:21:44,201 --> 00:21:45,321
Good.
438
00:21:46,041 --> 00:21:49,161
Now, I wish I was someone else,
then I could kiss me.
439
00:21:49,601 --> 00:21:52,641
I think I'll investigate these!
440
00:21:53,641 --> 00:21:56,921
Mmm-mmm, I just ate,
but one little fishy.
441
00:21:57,001 --> 00:22:00,521
♪ Yeah, yeah
I 'm gonna eat you, little fishies
442
00:22:00,601 --> 00:22:02,801
♪ I'm gonna eat you,
little fishy ♪
443
00:22:02,881 --> 00:22:04,921
Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
444
00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:08,921
Yeah, I got you there.
445
00:22:09,001 --> 00:22:10,361
I'm gonna...
446
00:22:13,441 --> 00:22:15,921
I got the fish.
I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die!
447
00:22:16,081 --> 00:22:18,121
You crazy monkey!
You creased my suit.
448
00:22:19,121 --> 00:22:23,521
My tooth? My tooth! My tooth!
I think I've lost my tooth.
449
00:22:27,761 --> 00:22:31,521
Lister, allow me to be the first
to offer my commiserations.
450
00:22:34,361 --> 00:22:36,521
You're really,
really loving this, aren't you?
451
00:22:36,601 --> 00:22:38,001
"Come on,
death isn't the handicap
452
00:22:38,081 --> 00:22:39,961
"it used to be
in the olden days!
453
00:22:40,041 --> 00:22:42,721
"It doesn't screw your career up
the way it used to!"
454
00:22:43,281 --> 00:22:46,241
You're right. There's always
some good in every situation.
455
00:22:46,361 --> 00:22:48,441
Absolutely, Lister.
And in this case,
456
00:22:48,521 --> 00:22:51,761
you're about to do the largest splits
you'll ever do in your life.
457
00:22:51,841 --> 00:22:53,241
I get blown up, then?
458
00:22:53,561 --> 00:22:54,641
Bits of you do.
459
00:22:56,161 --> 00:23:00,201
It's not fair.
There's loads of things I've never done.
460
00:23:01,081 --> 00:23:03,681
Like I've never had a prawn vindaloo.
461
00:23:04,521 --> 00:23:06,241
And I've never read...
462
00:23:06,321 --> 00:23:07,641
A book.
463
00:23:08,241 --> 00:23:10,801
And I wanted to have a family.
464
00:23:10,881 --> 00:23:12,401
And I wanted to have
loads of practice
465
00:23:12,481 --> 00:23:14,961
in the things that
you've got to do to get a family.
466
00:23:16,881 --> 00:23:20,001
Holly,
I'd like to send an Internal memo.
467
00:23:20,241 --> 00:23:21,241
Black border.
468
00:23:21,321 --> 00:23:24,001
Begins, "To Dave Lister,
469
00:23:24,081 --> 00:23:26,881
"Condolences on
your passing away."
470
00:23:26,961 --> 00:23:28,241
What's that poem?
471
00:23:29,081 --> 00:23:30,801
"Now, weary traveller,
472
00:23:30,881 --> 00:23:34,881
"Rest your head. For just like me,
you're utterly dead."
473
00:23:36,601 --> 00:23:40,321
Emergency. Emergency.
There's an emergency going on.
474
00:23:40,561 --> 00:23:44,001
- What is it, Hot?
- There's an emergency, Dave-
475
00:23:44,081 --> 00:23:47,081
The navicom 's overheating.
I need your help in the Drive Room.
476
00:23:49,001 --> 00:23:50,921
Come in number 169.
Your time is up.
477
00:23:51,641 --> 00:23:52,801
Okay, what was I wearing?
478
00:23:52,921 --> 00:23:55,481
Uh, that jacket
and that red T-shirt.
479
00:23:58,521 --> 00:23:59,881
You said yourself,
480
00:23:59,961 --> 00:24:02,041
I can't stop it.
Let's get it over with.
481
00:24:03,041 --> 00:24:04,721
Lister, what's that for?
482
00:24:05,161 --> 00:24:07,761
I'm going out like I came in,
screaming and kicking.
483
00:24:08,041 --> 00:24:10,281
You can't whack
Death on the head.
484
00:24:10,961 --> 00:24:13,041
If he comes near me,
I'm gonna rip his nipples off.
485
00:24:26,921 --> 00:24:29,201
I 'm afraid it can 't cope
with the influx of data
486
00:24:29,281 --> 00:24:30,721
at light speed, Dave-
487
00:24:30,801 --> 00:24:33,121
Could you hook it up
to the drive computer for me?
488
00:24:49,481 --> 00:24:50,561
Six.
489
00:24:52,921 --> 00:24:54,041
Five.
490
00:24:57,041 --> 00:24:58,121
Four.
491
00:25:00,081 --> 00:25:01,241
Three.
492
00:25:04,961 --> 00:25:06,001
Two.
493
00:25:07,761 --> 00:25:10,161
One.
494
00:25:12,881 --> 00:25:15,401
I did it!
I'm not going to die.
495
00:25:16,881 --> 00:25:18,841
Dog attack!
496
00:25:26,281 --> 00:25:27,881
Don't know why you're so chirpy.
497
00:25:27,961 --> 00:25:29,001
I'm alive.
498
00:25:29,081 --> 00:25:31,361
For how long? It'll probably
happen tomorrow or Thursday.
499
00:25:31,441 --> 00:25:33,721
- Maybe It's not going to happen at all.
- It was you.
500
00:25:33,801 --> 00:25:35,561
I saw you.
I'm sure it was you.
501
00:25:38,321 --> 00:25:39,601
Hello, Dave.
502
00:25:40,281 --> 00:25:42,961
This is me.
I mean, you.
503
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:44,841
I mean, I am you.
504
00:25:45,361 --> 00:25:48,561
This Is you aged 171, Dave.
505
00:25:48,961 --> 00:25:52,161
I know you're there
because when I was your age,
506
00:25:52,241 --> 00:25:56,521
I saw me at my age telling you
what I'm about to tell you,
507
00:25:57,761 --> 00:26:01,001
and you've got to tell you
when you get to be me.
508
00:26:01,081 --> 00:26:03,137
Thank heavens you've still got
all your marbles, Lister.
509
00:26:03,161 --> 00:26:04,361
Shh!
510
00:26:04,921 --> 00:26:08,561
- I've got to tell you about Bexley.
- Who's Bexley?
511
00:26:08,641 --> 00:26:12,161
I was always going to call my second son
Bexley afterJim Bexley Speed.
512
00:26:12,241 --> 00:26:14,801
Your second son? What were
you going to call your first son?
513
00:26:14,881 --> 00:26:16,601
Jim.
After Jim Bexley Speed.
514
00:26:16,681 --> 00:26:20,521
It wasn't you Rimmer saw
in the Drive Room, it was Bexley.
515
00:26:20,761 --> 00:26:22,721
Rimmer, you saw me son die!
516
00:26:23,121 --> 00:26:26,241
Never mind this tott!
What about me, old man?
517
00:26:26,321 --> 00:26:29,081
What happens to me?
Do I become an officer?
518
00:26:29,161 --> 00:26:31,801
Rimmer, I'm going to have two sons!
Isn't it fantastic?
519
00:26:31,881 --> 00:26:34,081
- But one of them one dies.
- Yeah, well, everyone dies.
520
00:26:34,121 --> 00:26:35,481
You're born and you die.
521
00:26:35,561 --> 00:26:38,961
The bit in the middle is called life
and that's still to come.
522
00:26:39,041 --> 00:26:41,881
Go and get your camera.
You haven't got much time.
523
00:26:41,961 --> 00:26:45,121
Get your camera
and run to the medical unit. Run!
524
00:26:46,801 --> 00:26:48,961
What about me?
What happens to me?
525
00:26:49,041 --> 00:26:51,281
He can't hear us, Rimmer.
He's from the future.
526
00:26:51,961 --> 00:26:54,361
Ah, but if I ask you now,
you can remember it,
527
00:26:54,441 --> 00:26:56,801
and when you get to be him,
you can tell me.
528
00:26:56,881 --> 00:26:58,361
Boss thinking!
529
00:26:59,201 --> 00:27:01,521
Rimmer, you wanted to know
what happened to you?
530
00:27:01,721 --> 00:27:02,721
Yes.
531
00:27:02,801 --> 00:27:04,801
- Come closer, come closer still.
- Yes.
532
00:27:04,881 --> 00:27:07,121
- Yes. Yes.
- Closer.
533
00:27:08,001 --> 00:27:10,241
You goit.
534
00:27:10,841 --> 00:27:12,121
No, you goit.
535
00:27:12,201 --> 00:27:14,041
You're all goits.
I'm surrounded by goits.
536
00:27:14,121 --> 00:27:15,161
Holly, you're a goit.
537
00:27:15,321 --> 00:27:17,561
- I'm a what?
- You heard!
538
00:27:18,081 --> 00:27:19,481
What's happening, Hol?
539
00:27:19,561 --> 00:27:21,801
Are we going to see my funeral
or something?
540
00:27:21,961 --> 00:27:23,521
Look, the faster we go,
541
00:27:23,601 --> 00:27:26,241
the more into the future
the future echoes are.
542
00:27:26,401 --> 00:27:28,881
And now, since we've just
started to slow down,
543
00:27:28,961 --> 00:27:32,241
the future echoes are nearer
to the present. Clear?
544
00:27:32,321 --> 00:27:33,321
No.
545
00:27:33,481 --> 00:27:34,481
Tough.
546
00:27:38,561 --> 00:27:40,761
Wait a minute.
I don't understand
547
00:27:40,841 --> 00:27:42,361
how you're supposed to
get two sons
548
00:27:42,441 --> 00:27:43,881
without a woman on the ship.
549
00:27:44,201 --> 00:27:45,641
Neither do I.
550
00:27:45,721 --> 00:27:47,641
But it's going to be
a laugh finding out.
551
00:27:49,841 --> 00:27:52,161
I can't see you,
but I know you can see me.
552
00:27:52,241 --> 00:27:54,001
I'd like you to meet your two sons.
553
00:27:54,081 --> 00:27:56,481
This is Jim and this is Bexley.
554
00:27:56,641 --> 00:27:59,401
Crying and say cheese,
Stop boys.
39481
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