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(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING
AND CHEERING)

(YELLING AND SCREAMING)

Well, you guys
know the drill.

I gotta get ready
for the game.

I gotta get...
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Damn.
BOY: Mr. Jeffries!
Mr. Jeffries!

Can I please
have your autograph?

Yeah, sure, kid.

Rickey.
(SNAPS FINGER)

A stamp!

You're welcome,
kid, stay in school.
Be like Jamal.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

KENNY: Another
monster dunk by Jamal.
The kid is on fire tonight.

See, Kenny, looks like
that six-game suspension
did him some good.

His mind is right.

Come on and get some of this.
Right here!

(GRUNTS)
Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

What you got, Smurf?
Let me show you some of this.

What you got,
what you got?

Huh, huh, huh?

What you got, big Smurf?
Huh, huh?

Bam!
(CROWD CHEERING)

Ooh!
(CHEERING)

I came down on you?
Did I come down on you?

If you had a little bit
more game, maybe you
wouldn't be crying!

If you were just
a little taller...
Whoa.

A little bit tall...

Here we go again.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CROWD BOOING)

What's wrong with you, man?

Is that five?
Yup.

KEVIN: Kenny,
there's the problem.

That's five fouls
on Jamal.

One more,
he's done
for the day.

And that'll set a team record
for disqualifications.

Kern, get in there
for Jeffries.
JAMAL: Oh, come on, Ref.

I was going for the ball.
You know what? You don't
even watch the game, Ref.

You're missing a good one.

Jamal. Jamal, you out, man.
I got you.

I ain't goin' nowhere, man.
Go tap somebody else.

Get out of here.
Time out!

Time out.
(WHISTLES BLOWS)

Roll with it, baby.
Don't be jealous.

Don't be jealous.

Jamal, you're out.

What do you mean, I'm out?

I'm out? I'm out
of what, Coach?

What you going to do,
fire me?

I'm the head coach.
I call the shots.

Okay, well, now, wait,
wait, wait. Hold on.

You may call the shots,
but I'm making all the shots.

Coach, you see that?
Look at that scoreboard
up there.

That's me, bro.
All me!

Well, you may be the coach
of this damn team,
but I am the team.

There isn't a team
in this league that wouldn't
kill to have a player like me.

They can have you.
Yeah? Well, you
can have this.

Coach!

(CROWD BOOING)

Yeah, boo you!

You want
something'
to boo about?

You want
something'
to boo about?

Huh, huh?
How about this?

(MAN LAUGHING)

Yeah, boo you, too!
Boo!

Yeah, yeah.
Boo you! Yeah!
Boo you! Yeah!

Boo you! Boo you!

Kevin, this is the most
disgusting display

of unsportsmanlike
conduct I've ever seen.

How about this!

(CROWD GASPING)
Bam!

Oh, Lord!

Change that to second most.

Ha!
Oh, my God!

Ha!

You like it! You like it
don't you, ladies?

How you like me now?

Last night,
Beat guard
Jamal Jeffries

gave the fans much
more than they
bargained for

when he decided to get ready
for the showers a little early
at the Charlotte Coliseum.

(CROWD BOOING)
Say hello to my little friend.

How you all like me, now?

I don't know what
the big deal is.

I mean, uh,
we are all
born naked.

I mean, I like being naked.
Don't you like being naked?

J.J. he sort of
lost it tonight,

but, hey,
it happens,
you know.

I think we as
professional athletes,

you know, you got
to be role models
for the kids

because they look
up to us in
the community.

HECKLER: Yo, you suck!

Hey, hey, hey.
Well, say it to my
face then, chump!

Whatever the league
decides to do in this case...
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

...they won't get
an argument from us.

The commissioner
of basketball will be having
a press conference later

to announce what penalties
the league will be imposing.

We were able to get
the reaction
of Jamal's agent.

I spoke with
Jamal earlier today

and naturally he's
feeling quite remorseful
regarding his losing control.

I happen to know, in fact,
that at this very moment

he's quietly reflecting

on his inappropriate behavior.

(WHIMPERING)

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Give it to me, give it to me.

Whoo!

I love this game, baby!
Whoo.

Whoo. What's up?
What's up in here?

Having a good time, everybody
having a good time?
MAN: Yeah.

JAMAL: It ain't grooving
unless I got sweet booty!

Throw your hands up.
Throw your hands up.

Look at that.

Out there with
the Three Skank-a-teers.

TINA: Girl, I don't know
how you put up with that.

Mmm. Honey,
all these
tricks is dogs.

But if you have to
sleep in a doghouse,

it might as well
look like this one.
True.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Work it, work it. work it.

Hey, hey, hey.
I know you
hear the phone.

You silly-talking bitches,
come on, get the phone.

No.
JAMAL: Go get the phone!

I ain't deaf!

I got to rethink cloning!

Uh!

Yeah.

Phone call.

Yeah, what do you
want me to do?
I'm busy.

Tell them I'm not here.

Sorry, Aunt Ruby,
but Jamal can't come
to the phone right now.

Out!

You all heard me. Out!

Boy, what in the world
is the matter with you?

Have you lost your mind,
have you plumb lost your mind?

Aunt Rub,
I was just getting
ready to call you.

Don't interrupt me
when I'm talkin'
to you, boy!

I know, but I'm just
trying to tell you...

I said don't interrupt me!

Yes, ma'am.

Now, I'm sitting here
last night, watching the game
with my girlfriends,

and the next thing
I know, I'm looking

at your naked butt cheeks.

I read the TV Guide, Jamal,

and nowhere did it
say that I would see

my nephew Jamal's
scrawny ass on
Channel 18 at 8:00.

I know,
Aunt Ruby, but...

RUBY: What do you
think, Jamal?

You think you can
carry on in your way,

just because you
feel like it? Huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Answer me when I'm
talking to you, boy!

But you just told me
not to interrupt.

I don't care what I said!

(MUSIC PLAYING)
Wait a minute. Is that...

Is that music
I hear over there?

You having a party?

No, no, no. That stupid
girl got the TV up.

Are you...
You know what?

I'm not gonna raise
my blood pressure

and get upset
over this nonsense.

Calm down!

(BREATHES DEEPLY)
JAMAL: Yeah, take
a deep breath.

Oh, Lord.
Last night...

They talking about you
on television, J.J.

What, what, what?
They talking about me
on television?

Is there an echo
on this phone?

Yeah, they're
talking' about you!

Turn it on!
I got to go!

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Hello?

The league has had enough.

Professional basketball
can no longer sit idly by

and watch its players
undermine the integrity
of this game.

(SCOFFS)
As of today, Jamal Jeffries
is suspended indefinitely.

(INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV)

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Don't worry about
all that, y'all.

I mean, this is all
going to blow over.
You know how it is.

That's just the man
trying to hold
a brother down.

You know how they do it.

Pro basketball
needs Jamal Jeffries.
(CHUCKLES)

Now this gonna blow over!

Blow over!
Trust me.

No. Friday's no
good for me.

Uh, you know what,
let me...

I'm gonna have
to call you back.

My client from
Chippendale's
just showed up.

Yeah. All right.
Bye-bye.

Hey, Jamal!

What's up, baby?
What's up? What's up?

What's up?
Shoot me straight.

I talked to
the Beat about
an hour ago,

and they've, uh,
dropped your contract.

Yeah, well,
too bad for the Beat.

They can drop all
they want, baby, but
my stuff is guaranteed.

Jamal's contract
is guaranteed.

Was guaranteed.

Yeah, there's a little
thing in the contract
called a morals clause,

and since, well,
you don't seem to have any,

the contract becomes null,
and his trusty sidekick, void.

So you the sidekick, right?
Mmm-hmm.

So then earn your money
and get on the horn.

Shop me around to other teams.

Come on, come on,
Tonto, let's go.

Yeah, that's pretty much
how I spent my entire day.

Talked to every team,
every single team.

Nobody wants you.
You know why?

You're a head case.

Well, then bump them.
Bump them all.

Jamal don't need them.

Hey, send me to Europe.
I like foreign women.

And you know, not a bad idea.

Uh, unfortunately though,
it turns out

they call it
the World Wide Web
for a reason.

That's your ass.

Look. Forget that.
What about the CBA?

Come on, come on.
What about
the Globetrotters?

I mean, something!

Globetrotters? That'd be fun.

No. Nobody wants you.
Not even the Clippers.

I thought you
were my friend, Lorne.

Okay, see,
now that's a problem.

I'm not your friend.

I'm your agent.

I was your agent.

That also is null and void.

Wait. What are you saying?

Now you're not
gonna be my agent?

Yeah, it's over.

(STAMMERS) I can't be
your agent. That's silly.

But I certainly
wish you luck. I do.

And, uh, here's hoping
you invested
your money wisely

because I don't
see any fresh cash
coming in anytime soon.

Uh-uh!

Don't even need to hear it.

Bling!

Jamal Jeffries has
got plenty of cash.

Okay, so don't you
worry about me.

Okay? Jamal Jeffries
is set, baby. Set!

Broke?

What the hell do
you mean, I'm broke?

MANAGER:
You got no more money,
dog, Chapter 11.

Chapter 11?

What happened to
the first 10 chapters?

Listen to me.
Are you stupid?
No money, man!

Tell me, Mr. Business Manager,
what the hell you been doing
with all my money?

I mean, you spent it all!

I spent it all?
That's right!

I spent it all?
That's right!
You spent it all.

I did?
Baby, you got
too many furs...

Well, why didn't you
try to stop me?

I tried to do that.

You did?
I sure did.

(WORKERS CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)

Yo, Tina!

Yo, baby, everything
gonna be all right.

Sure is.

Hell, you still got a little
modeling left in you.

I mean, it'll be chump
change compared to what
I used to bring in.

But, hey, it will get us
by until the commissioner
comes to his senses.

Come on, baby,
where you at?

TINA: I'm in the bedroom.
I'll be out in a minute.

Yeah, well, come on.

Ain't that much
makeup in the world!

I mean, you know,
I had a rough
couple of days.

You ought to be out here
rubbing a brother down.

(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)

ANNOUNCER: The Banshees!

Losing all control.

I'm prepared to rumble.

Are you?
ANNOUNCER:
Get your tickets today.

I'll rumble with you.
I'll rumble with
you all night long.

Women's basketball,
what a joke.

Jamal, I'm leaving.

Okay.

While you out, why don't
you pick a brother up
something to eat?

I'm...

Baby, what you doing?

That's the good luggage.

Don't make it
easy on them.
I mean, put this...

What is that?
My stuff. I'm leaving you.

Whoa... (STAMMERS)
What do you mean,
you leaving?

The only reason why
I stayed with your lying,
cheating ass

is because you
were rich and famous.

But now you're neither,
so what's the point?

What are you
talking about?

What about all
the good loving
you was getting up in here?

(SCOFFS)

I packed it!
The batteries, too.

Goodbye, Jamal.

Okay, go ahead.
Go ahead.

Yeah, you try to come back,
you'll have to start
at the bottom of the list.

TINA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's why I'm leaving
your broke ass!

Yeah, yeah.
Plus, your feet stink!

All right, listen, you want
to win this thing, okay,
it's real simple.

You go inside
and you act like
an adult. That's all.

And if you forget
what that is,

just look around
the room at everybody else.

Hold on. Hold on here.
Hold on here.

I am calm, Lorne,
I am cool and I am ready
to collect my checks.

Damn, I look good!

Mr. Jeffries,

you have clearly
embarrassed the
league, your team,

and I certainly hope
you've embarrassed yourself.

Now, what is it
you're here to
say to me today?

Um, I'm here
to say that, uh...

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm here to say that, uh,
what I did was wrong.

And I sincerely, uh...

I sincerely, uh...

I am...

I'm sincerely...

He apologizes, sir.
He is very apologetic.

This is not your
arbitration hearing,
Mr. Daniels.

May I remind you
it's your client's.

He is the one with
the oversized ego

that may be eclipsing his
talent at this point.

Hold, hold, hold,
hold, hold, hold,
Colonel Sanders, hold on.

Mmm.

Now excuse me!
"Oversized ego
eclipsing his talent"?

Well, perhaps you
haven't seen my game
in a while, pops.

Maybe you need to trim some
of the mother (BLEEP) bushes
off your (BLEEP) head

and you'd be able see my
mother (BLEEP) game.
Don't try to give me no shit.

All right! Take that!

Whatcha got, baby?

I'mma show you what I got.
I'mma show you what
I got right now!

You still ain't
saying nothing.

(LAUGHS)

(GASPS)

(CHUCKLES)

Jamal, you holding
up the game.

Here.

Esther.

Esther, it's on you.

Come on,
you old biddy,
play your card!

This bra is killing me!

You is a fine-looking
young man.

(GASPS)

(ALL LAUGH)

Damn!

Okay, that's it! I've had
enough of the bridge club.

You ain't playing no more?

No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, I need to go
outside for some air.

Why, J.J.?

Well, there's a CNN
report that says, uh,

you know, too much
inside air... It's deadly.

RUBY: While you going outside,

why don't you make
yourself useful and
pick up some groceries

for the morning?
I ain't going to
fetch no groceries.

I don't do that
no more, Aunt Ruby.

I'm a professional ballplayer.

Shoot, I'm a star.

You a what?

You heard me, I'm a star.

Okay, okay!
Okay! (GRUNTS)

Now hurry back with
them groceries, star.

Don't talk back to
me in my own house.

Your house?
I was the one who
bought you the house!

Boy, you better
get out of here.

Crazy ass.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey, y'all,
it's Jamal Jeffries!

(KIDS CLAMORING)

Hey, can I have
your autograph?

KID: Can I have
your autograph, please?
Yeah, sure, kid.

Where's your stupid stamp?

(LAUGHING)

What did you say?
You heard me.

Thought you were
hot stuff, didn't you?

But look at you now.

Look where your nasty
attitude has gotten you.

Girl, I'll take this
besides...
Whatever!

Why don't you just go ahead
and pass me the ball,
if you still know how.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, that.

(LAUGHING)

What you got, boy?
Come on.

Come on, what you got?
What you got?

Booyah!

How you like me now?

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

GIRL: Ow.
BOY: Oh, do you like that?

Lorne Daniels, please.

Tell him it's Kobe Bryant
looking for a new agent.

There you are, Lorne! Jamal.

You can't stop me...

Whoa, whoa!
Don't hang up, Lorne.
Listen to me, listen to me.

Lorne, I'm calling you
to tell you about

a phenomenal
basketball player
I just met.

Why? Because you
were good to me, Lorne,

and I want to be good to you.

Listen to me. This is the
greatest basketball player
you've ever seen.

And get this, Lorne.
It's a girl.

Yes, that's right. A girl.

I mean, she's a little
rough around the edges,

'cause she's straight up
from the country.

Get me Coach Rivers
on the phone,
immediately!

Immediately!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING
IN DISTANCE)

(KEYS JINGLING)

Yeah, time to get paid.

It's time to get paid,
time to get paid.

Time to get...
(GRUNTS) Paid.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, ooh, get paid.
Get paid, man.

Get paid. Get paid.
Time to get paid.

Yeah, time to get paid.
(GRUNTS)

Jamal, what are you doing?

Um...

I'm, uh, trying
on your clothes,
Aunt Ruby.

Yeah, I gathered that,
but what are you doing?

I know this looks
freaky, Aunt Ruby,

but it's not what you think.

Well, it can't get much
better than what I think!

(SCOFFS)

Jamal, there's no way
I'm helping you do this.

Aunt Ruby, Aunt Ruby, please.
Uh-uh!

Boy, get up off
your knees in my pants!

(SIGHS) Aunt Ruby!

Jamal, when you were
in the sixth grade

who was there for you
when you traded
your little baby cousin

for a new pair of
basketball shoes?

You were there, Aunt Ruby,
you were there for me,
but I need you.

I was there for you,
helped you through it.

Didn't ask no questions,
and passed no judgment.

But this...

Boy, don't you give me
them puppy-dog eyes.

Aunt Ruby.
Uh-uh.

Please, you gotta help me.
Jamal, no!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Are you watching?
Are you watching?

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Good shot. Good shot.

That's what I'm talking about.
Way to break them down.

Hey, Lorne,
practice is
almost over.

I think your blind date
just stood you up.

Yeah, looks
that way, Jennifer.
Coach. Sorry.

Listen, it's, uh...
It's all my fault.

I trusted somebody.
I could have known better...

I'm here!

(BLOWING) Hold up!

Uh, Latisha.

Guard her.

Yeah, hope your game
is as tight as your ass.

I've chased chickens
quicker than you.

I hope you can
make that ball bounce
like them titties of yours.

Just keep your eyes on it.

There you go.

Boom!

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Come on, here I go.
Here I go.

And boom!

That costs money.

Ball!
JAMAL: Ball what?

Ball this!

(EXHALES)

Too easy.

JAMAL: Whoo.

Yeah.
Where did you find her?

I heard about
her from a friend.

Ball! Ball!

I got it!
(GRUNTS)

Damn!

You made me miss!

That's blocking!

What? Oh, please.
You've got to be
kidding me!

She made me miss it.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Blocking.
COACH: All right, ladies.

That's it. Nice job.
We'll see you tomorrow.

Uh...

So, why don't you call
me in the morning...

And maybe we can
work something out.

Yeah. Thanks, Coach.

So, what's your name,
anyway, hot shot?

My apologies.
I don't even know myself.
Let's get some pizza.

You wanna?
Juwanna.

"Juwanna"?
Yes, Juwanna, man.

Juwanna Mann, Coach Rivers.
It's great to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Coach.

MICHELLE: You all right?
LATISHA: I'm straight.

MICHELLE: No, you're not.

And you must be Lorne.
That's right.

Jamal's told me
so much about you.
Really?

Yeah, didn't tell me you
were so cute, though.
(LAUGHS)

Juwanna! (LAUGHS)

How's my favorite girl?

Come on in.
Sit down.

Oh, why, thank you,
Mr. Daniels.

Please, call me Lorne.

You should definitely
be on a first-name basis

with the man who's
about to change your life.

Oh, really?
Mmm.

Gonna change
my life?
Absolutely.

I don't know
how I did it...

Well, that's not
completely true.

This here is a one-year
contract for you with
the Charlotte Banshees.

Oh, my Lord!
Are you kidding me?
No.

Oh, my Lord!
Mmm-hmm.

Am I dreaming?
No, no, you're not dreaming.

Go ahead and
pinch yourself.
I'll wait.

Oh, I think this is
the first time my life
I ever been speechless.

That is the beauty
of signing a contract,

there's no speech
really required.

So, just go ahead
and sign there.

Well, don't I need to get
a lawyer to take a look
at this before I sign it?

(CHUCKLING)
Of course not.

These contracts
are completely
standard at this point.

All the hard work's
been done by me.
Just go ahead and sign.

(GASPS)

I guess it's better
than playing
in the parks.

Certainly is.
Right here...

Oh! Right here?

...and here and here.

"Juwanna.

"Juwanna.

"Juwanna."

That's a lovely signature.

Congratulations, Juwanna!

You are about
to become the
newest member,

of the Charlotte Banshees.

(BEEPING)

I am so excited.

I mean, all in one day,
I'm starting a whole new life,

and I have my
very own big-time agent.

Oh, now, I don't want
you to just think of me
as your agent.

I'm also your friend.

Aw, that is
so sweet, Lorne.

And I don't want you
to only think of me
as just your client.

Because I am also
your ex-client! Bitch!
Gotcha, didn't I?

Oh, shit! Give me that!
Give me the fax!
Give it to me!

No.
Give it to me!
Give it to me!

Give it to me, now!
Ah! Ah!

Mr. Daniels! Mr...

Come on, give me that.
Just give me that.
Get in there.

BETTY: Mr. Daniels.
Mr. Daniels!

Your wife is
on line three.

Tell her I'm
with a client,
will you?

Okie-dokie.

LORNE: Oh, this is great!

JAMAL: Got your ass.
Got your ass.
Betty, Betty. Betty!

I want you to get
Coach Rivers on
the line immediately.

As in right now!

Okay, all right, okay.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Uh...

When Coach Rivers
gets on the phone,

I want you to tell
her the whole truth.

Okay, I will. I'll tell her.
I'll say, "Coach Rivers..."

Uh, yeah, uh...

"Coach Rivers, the only way
Lorne could make money off me

"was to dress me up
like this and trick you
into signing me!"

And that's the truth.
Okay, how about that's
not at all the truth, okay.

I had nothing
to do with this!

What do you mean,
you had nothing
to do with it?

Lorne, come on.

All I did was tell you
about a phenomenal
basketball player.

And what did you do?
You set up the tryout,

you negotiated
the contract,
you brokered the deal, baby.

You kind of created me.
You're Frankenstein!

Oh, God.

No, no, no.
This is crazy.

No one is gonna
believe you're
a woman.

You did.

All right,
this is blackmail.

No, it's not.
This is black "female."

That's not funny.

Come on, Lorne,
what do you expect
me to do?

Basketball is the
only thing I really
know how to do.

And I have to
make a living.

So, until you figure
out how to get me
back with my team,

you can just look
for me in the women's
locker room, baby.

The woman's locker room
checking out booties.
(CHUCKLES)

Checking out booties,
basketball booties.

Jamal...

I thought we were friends.

Oh, now, see
there's the problem.

You're not
my friend, Lorne.

Remember?

You're my agent!

JAMAL: Thanks to you,
Lorne, I'm gonna be
a Charlotte Banshee.

You're better
than Jerry Maguire.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Somebody kill me!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Who's ready to play?
ALL: Banshees!

Who's ready to win?
ALL: Banshees!

Ban...
ALL: ...shees!

Ban...
ALL: ...shees!

(CHEERING AND SCREAMING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

MAN: Charlotte Banshees!
Go.

CHRIS: It's the opening
game of the WUBA season.

Hi, and welcome inside
the Charlotte Coliseum.
Along with Jeanne Zelasko,

I'm Chris Myers.

We have a terrific
matchup for you today.

The Charlotte Banshees
hosting the two-time
defending champion,

Houston Gallop.
Boy, Chris, you are right.

With all-stars in the lineup
like Michelle Langford
and Natalie Kemper,

you have to
believe the Banshees

have a great shot at
beating the Gallop.

Jamal. (COUGHS)

Jamal. (COUGHS)

(WHISTLING)

Juwanna?

Lorne!

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen
please rise

for the singing
of our national anthem.
Come here.

Singing for us today
is multi-platinum
recording artist, Romeo!

* Oh, say can you see
(CROWD CHEERING)

* By the dawn's early light

You can understand
how excited I am.
My very first game!

Yeah, I saw television
cameras out there.

Did you know this
game is being televised?

Yes, I sure did,
and I'm still trying
to figure out

what's my best side.
What do you think,
here or my ass?

(CHUCKLES)

* At the twilight's
last gleaming *

Promise me
you'll try
to fit in.

I promise you, Lorne,
I will try to fit in.

All right. And remember,
there's no dunking
in this league.

Okay? No dunking.

I won't dunk,
all right,
I promise. Relax.

It's not like
I need to, anyway.

I gotta go.
Now, keep
your head up.

Yeah, keep your boobs up.

For you.

For my baby.

How sweet.

See you after
the game?

No doubt, baby.

That boy drop more shit than
a bunny rabbit on Ex-Lax.

PLAYER: But she so blind,
she can't see past

his great big
old walking stick.

Ain't that right, girl?

ROMEO: Oh, what's up, player?
What's up player, player.

Give me some player.
What's the deal, baby?

Hey man, I'm just
a squirrel in your world.
I see you doing your thing.

I see you
looking at something.

Uh, man. Hot dogs
and hamburgers, man!
(CHUCKLES)

SMOKEY: She's all that
and a baseball bat,

and a Hot Wheel track.
I'm telling you, brown sugar.

Like D'Angelo, "Brown Sugar!"
That's what he's talking
about, right there.

Oh, ha, ha.

She gonna block me out, huh?
ROMEO: Can't believe what
she did. You know she with it.

I know she with it.

ROMEO: Let's go
find our seats, man
SMOKEY: Yeah, baby!

Drop it like it's hot.

(CROWD CHEERING)

All right! Yes!

(GRUNTS)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

LATISHA:
That's all right, girl.

We'll get
it next time, Natalie.

Hit. Two shots.

Yeah, that's a
nice girl there.

LATISHA:
She a little naive, though.

Foreigner. Here on a
visa from Oklahoma.

LATISHA: She gonna be
a city girl before long.
She rooming with Sanchez.

That little hot
tamale over there!

Ooh, that girl get around.

Really?

How awful! Awful!

LATISHA: Block out, Magda!

With that big-ass head,
she could block out the sun.

I said block out,
you Serbian knucklehead!

Way to go, baby!
Way to go, Way to go.

So what's your story?

Me? I like to keep it simple.

You give me a good book,
and a good bitch,
I'm straight.

I like you!

COACH: Yes, Natalie!
Way to get in there! Yes!

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

Time out!

VICKIE: It's all right,
Natalie!

I got you.

(CROWD CHEERING)

All right, hot shot,
let's see what you got.

All right, Coach.
Now you're coaching.

CHRIS: Rivers put a
substitution in. The new
player is number 22.

JEANNE: Chris,
that is Juwanna Mann.

JAMAL: And this is what
happens in my house!

Yo, did you see that?

That deserves a "Wow"!

BOTH: Funk. Na, na, na, na.

LORNE: Beer and a popcorn.

It's all right. Okay.

CHRIS:
The ball is stolen away.
What a move!

No! No! No! No!

TEAMMATE: Pass the ball,
pass the ball. Pass the ball!

Don't dunk!

CHRIS: A 360!
Another amazing shot!

Ain't nothing sexier
than a woman
with ball control.

All right! Yes!

Pass the ball!
Pass the ball!

JAMAL: Here it comes.
Here I go. Here I come.
The ball!

JAMAL: Ready? It's my house!

It's my house!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Offense, 22!

Hit.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Technical, right here.

(BUZZING)

...if you all hadn't
been playing like
a bunch of little girls!

Coach, that girl
has got to go.

You know she's
the reason why
we lost the game.

She wouldn't
even let the ground
touch the ball.

Believe me,
I can understand
your frustration.

The woman has
definitely got problems.

"Problems"?
You got that right.

Her number-one
problem is I'm not
playing with her.

Well, you're gonna have to.
We just got Natalie's
MRI back. She tore her ACL.

She's out for
the rest of the
season. And...

I'm making Juwanna
her replacement.

What? But she's nothing
but a ball-hog, Coach!

You're gonna talk
to me about ball-hog,

Miss "I got game,
I'm all that"?

I wasn't as bad as her.

Michelle. You need
to step up.

You're captain of this team
and I'm expecting you

to help me
turn this woman around.

I'm really in a messy
situation here. I'm stuck,
so, basically...

We have no choice.

That was quite
a performance you had
out there today.

What, fifteen points
in the second half alone?

Yes, it was, but it would
have been 16 if y'all
had just picked up the pace!

Now, listen to me.

I know I'm not
the captain
of this team yet,

but if you guys want
to win, you're gonna
have to find a way

to get me the ball.
What?

I mean, I can't pass
the thing to myself,
can I?

I mean, I probably could
if I worked at it. But we're
supposed to be a team.

Teamwork! Just what we need
to talk about. Okay?
That's right!

Forget it.

Look, um...

You know, I'd love
to work with you
on your game.

You know, If you're up to it.
You know, go over the
playbook with you.

Make sure you
understand how
the Banshees...

Excuse me, sister,
but you don't need to work
with me on my game.

How you gonna work
with me on my game

when my game
doesn't need
any work?

Didn't you see it?

But I'll be more than
happy to help you with
a few pointers on your game.

I'll be really happy
to do that, just as...

Oh, my God, Lord,
what are you doing?

Taking a shower,
Einstein. Aren't you?

Hell, yes,
I'll take a
shower with...

Shower as soon
as I get home.

I have to do it,
soon as I get home.

I really can't take
showers in public
places like this.

Things crawl up
in you and you
never find them.

(SCOFFS) Whatever.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Boy, I love this league.

What part of, "Don't draw
attention to yourself" did
you not understand?

Oh, come on Lorne, I'm sorry.

I mean, they were
screaming and cheering
for a brother, well, a sister.

I mean, what was
I supposed to do,
play like a bitch?

Yes, play like a woman!
That was the plan,
I mean, your plan!

Calm down, chill out, man.

Yeah, you're right,
I gotta calm down.

I'm overreacting. Absolutely.

I guess I'm not
used to going to
a basketball game

and praying that
my client's boobs
don't fall out!

I mean, come on,
you keep this up,

I'm gonna be
booking clowns
at birthday parties.

Yeah, but that's
your problem, Lorne.

My problem is,
I need a shower.

I think I sweat
more as a woman.

LORNE: Jamal, please.

I'm fairly
certain I can get you
an arbitration hearing.

But until then,
I need you to keep a
low profile, that's all.

Okay. All right. all right.

You can do that?
I can do that, Lorne,

I'll keep a low profile,
I promise.

Damn, you'll have
a heart attack if you
keep that shit up.

Yeah.
I'm telling you.

You just be good.
Bye-bye, Lorne.

(CHATTERING)

What a snake.

JAMAL: I knew it.

JAMAL: I'll holla at you too.

Hold up, little girl.
Ew!

Let me tell you something.
You are one tall
glass of water,

and I'm telling
you straight up,

I'm thirsty.

What in the hell
are you?

You don't know
who I am, do you?

No, I don't know
who you are.
Who are you?

I am Puff Smokey Smoke.

You wanna kiss it,
don't you, mmm?

That's right.

Uh-huh, rap extraordinaire.

I also sang background
on Romeo's last album.

Where there's smoke,
there's Firestone.

Watch the Firestone tires.
Ha, ha.

Oh, really? Well, you can
sing backup for me,
right now.

Just back right on up on it.
Thank you, Mr. Puffer,

but I really have to go.

Drive careful now, baby.

Because you
are definitely
precious cargo.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

JAMAL: You're ready,
you're ready?

Pass the ball.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

What the hell are you doing?

Well, I'm sweating,
I'm breaking down
the defense,

I'm wearing these
chumps out,
making all the shots.

Take your pick.

You know what?
Practice is over.

Michelle, don't leave.
Stick around.

This is about you
and Juwanna.

Listen, missy.

I want you to take
a look up here
and tell me what you see.

What I see are a bunch
of empty bleachers that I'm
about to help you fill.

That's what I see.

(CHUCKLES) Very funny.
You're a funny lady.

Now, I see a sign
that says, the
"Charlotte Banshees".

My eyes are fine, Coach.

Because it says
the Charlotte Banshees,

and not
the Charlotte Juwannas.

And if the Charlotte Banshees
are gonna have any chance
of winning this season,

I have to get my two
strongest players here
to try and work together.

Otherwise, we're screwed.

So, you're gonna
play with Michelle here,

one-on-one.

And one-on-one,
and one-on-one,
and one-on-one and one-on-one.

And hey, how about
one-on-one?

Until you start to
get with the program.

You got it?

Yeah, I got it, Coach.

You ready for this, huh?
What you got, come on?

Ooh!

(SIGHS) I think
you're gonna need
a pen and paper.

That's all right.
Come on! Come on!

Are you ready?
Are you ready?

Ooh! Boom!

Sorry about that.

Boom!

(SIGHS) Now that's
what I call an "ass-ist."
(CHUCKLES)

Ha, ha.

Ooh!

Boom!

That's game.

(EXHALES)

You really think
you're something,
don't you?

Well, I got it going on.
What can I say,
born with it.

Here we go, the jokes.

Look, Juwanna, this might
be a joke to you,
but it's not to me.

You got some big balls,
don't you, girl? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, yeah, but all your
arrogance and all of this
showboating doesn't scare me.

'Cause I know
it's just a cover.

Because underneath,
you don't trust
anybody but yourself, girl.

And that's exactly
where you're gonna
end up, by yourself,

if you don't start
to trust your team.

And we'll be right back
with more from Oprah.

Are you done?
No.

Now, don't get me wrong,
you got mad skills.
You're good.

But one player
can't win games
by themselves.

We need teamwork.

So, you think I got skills?
Yeah.

Shoot, I'd like to be
able to do some of them
moves I saw you do.

Wrap it around.

Yeah, sure like to show
you some moves.

What?

I said, I could surely
show you some
of those moves,

'cause they're really easy.

Good. See?
Now we talking.

Let me tell you
something, I have never
seen anybody

pick up moves quicker
than you. You're a star.

Yeah, you know, you know.
(HORN HONKING)

Romeo! Hey!

What you doing?

You know I couldn't
roll through Atlanta
without my baby.

(GIGGLES) Hey,
Juwanna, I got a ride.

All right. Bye-bye.

Bye!

Got some trouble, little lady?

JAMAL: That's all right,
my door's just stuck,

but you just go right ahead.
I can handle this.

I don't want you
to strain yourself.

See, there you go,
that's what you get.

I guess you don't
need no man's help
after all.

No, I don't need a man,
but thank you.

It's like that, all right.
Thank you, very much.

Hey, Juwanna, you want
to hang out tomorrow
before our trip to New York?

Oh, I'd love to.
MICHELLE: Cool.

Just you and me, right?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
It's a date.

All right.

See you later.
Bye.

(ROMEO CHUCKLES)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

Bam!

MICHELLE: Oh, I've got
a little surprise
for you today.

JAMAL: I love surprises.
MICHELLE: You do? Good.

Because I have booked us
for an entire day
of beauty at the spa.

"Spa"?

So relaxing.

(SIGHS)

I'm looking forward to this.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm looking
forward to it, too.
I'm feeling relaxed already.

(GRUNTS)
Hi.

Oh, yes.

Where'd you leave
your wings, you angel, you?

Oh, my God.

Lord. Who are you?

Ow, slow it down, man.

Oh!

Ooh! Slow it down, sailor!

(GRUNTS) Lord.

Argh! (GRUNTS)

Oh! Is there a medic?

(GRUNTING)

(WHIMPERING)

MICHELLE:
Thanks, Suzy,
we'll see you next time.

JAMAL: Bye, Suzy.

So how you feeling?

Oh, Lord, girl,
if I was any number
I think I'd be dead.

(LAUGHS)

Well, you get a good
night's sleep tonight,

'cause don't forget, we got
that 7:00 a.m. flight in the
morning to New York.

Oh, don't worry about me.
My alarm's set, sweetie,
right here, right here.

Oh!
(SIGHS)

Was that your first time?

JAMAL:
First and last, sweetie.

(SNORING)

(LOUD RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Come on.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Whoa!

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh, Lord, oh, Lord.
No, I don't need this now.

And he's white!

Okay, I can do this.
I can do this.

Morning, Officer.

Nice morning, isn't it?
Sun's shining.
Birds are chirping.

Anybody tell you
you look like Mel Gibson?

Do you have any
idea how fast
you were going, ma'am?

Well, see, actually, Officer,
see, my speedometer's
broken on this car.

And I was
looking at it, but I...

How fast was I going?

I clocked you at 50.

Is that a little too fast?

I'm gonna have to
see your license.
Oh, Lord.

Uh, you really think we
need to go that far?

I mean, I'm not even
sure if I have it
in this car, you see,

I might have left
it in my other car.
It's a Benz.

Well, you better have it
or I'm gonna have to
impound this car,

and you and I
are going
for a little ride.

Where we going?

Here it is, right here.

You know,
Whitney Houston's
my cousin.

"Jamal Jeffries."

Who's Jamal Jeffries?

Uh, that's me, Officer.

That's you?
Uh-huh.

You expect me
to believe that?

Well, it's true.

You see,
the thing is...

I'm not armed.

I just recently
had a little operation.

You mean, one of those
operations where you...

Uh-huh.

So you no longer
have your...

Uh-uh.

And now you have a...

Yes.

Get out of the car.

Excuse me?
What is the problem?

Out of the car.

Come on.

I mean, is there
a problem, Officer?

Step away from
the vehicle. Away from
the vehicle, come on.

I'm not gonna have
to spread any eagles,
am I?

Come on,
spin around.

JAMAL: All right,
how about this?

All the way!

You look fabulous.

I'm having it done, too!

I'm only about
$1,000 away right now.
Who did you?

Well, whoever it was,
they did a great job.

I got my post-op outfit
all ready and waiting,
hanging in my closet.

It's got ruffles on top...

Excuse me!
Thank you very much.

I'm telling you, trust me,
I believe you'll look great
when you get it done.

But I'm really in a hurry.
I really need to go.

You know what?
Just forget the ticket.

Thank you.
Oh, no, not at all.

Thank you so much.
You know what?
You're gonna look great!

You think so?
I know so. Turn to the side.

Oh, you're gonna look great.
You think so?

Yes. Make sure they get
those nose hairs,
especially on the left side.

(ENGINE STARTS)

You're gonna
look great. Thank you
very much, Officer.

Have a good day.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Juwanna, they're
double-teaming
you every time.

If you don't start
letting go of the ball,
I'm gonna sit your ass down.

All right, Banshees, on three.
One, two, three.

ALL: Banshees!

Hey, Juwanna, remember
what we was working on
back home?

Not now.
I'm in a zone, okay?

JAMAL: Here we go.
Pick, Magda, pick!

JAMAL: Ball's up!
Get your hands up,
watch your hands!

Come on, let's go!
Pass the ball! Pass the ball!

Pass the ball!

Pass the ball!
Pass the ball!

Pass the ball!

(WARPED) Juwanna!

(WARPED) Juwanna!

JAMAL: Move back! Move back!

(GRUNTS)

Yeah! That's what
I'm talking about!

Nice job, Juwanna!

Way to pass that down, baby!

You my dog! You my dog!

(R&B SONG PLAYING)

JAMAL: Great shot!
Way to make them
move to the basket, baby.

JAMAL: Great shot! Great shot!

JAMAL: Here we go.
All right, back to work. Move.

Great job, Magda. Good shot.

COACH: Get in here.
Listen up, ladies.

We're gonna run three.
Penetrate left.

Squeeze.

You're gonna break down,
go right,

and squeeze hard
and go, all right?

Let's win this thing.
Win on three.

One, two, three.

ALL: Win!

COACH:
All right, ladies, listen up.

I got a couple
of things to say here.

First of all,

you guys played one hell
of a game tonight.

(ALL CHEERING)

I hope there's plenty
more where that came from!

Now, for those of you
who are new
to the Banshees,

we have a little
tradition here.

After every victory...

(CHEERING)

That's right, that's right...
We give away a game ball.

And tonight it should come
as no surprise

that the ball goes to...

Juwanna Mann.

(ALL CLAPPING AND CHEERING)

Hey, Juwanna,
kick it out, I'm open.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Thank you, guys.
I really do appreciate it.

Oh, look at her getting
all misty up in here.

Oh, I really do.
I mean it.

But I think that
since Magda actually
made the winning shot,

I think I should
share this with her.

You'd share ball with me?

Oh, thank you, Juwanna.

Thank you.

No, you don't have to...

Thank you.

ALL: Aw.

MICHELLE: Precious time.

Yo, let's shower up
and get the hell
out of here!

(ALL AGREEING AND CHEERING)

Just superstition.
Never take it off
after a win.

Never take it off.

(HONKS HORN)

You was really getting
your game on
tonight, Juwanna.

You know, I have a feeling
that we are gonna have

a really good
season this year.

Oh, yes, we are.

Whoa! Look at you.

Isn't this cute? I got
it at Victoria's Secret.

JAMAL: Mmm-hmm.

Ooh, well, the secret's out.

It's just perfect
for the road, you know?

Where you can just keep
it comfy and simple.

Mmm-hmm.
Comfy and simple.

(SIGHS)

Damn. I am so sore tonight.

Really?
Would you mind

rubbing a little bit
of this on my
shoulders for me?

Oh. (SNIFFS)

Mmm-hmm. I'd be more
than happy to.

Thank you, girl.

(SIGHS)
Yes, all right.

We can do that
for each other.

Thank you.

We was really
balling tonight, huh?

Mmm-hmm.
(SIGHS HAPPILY)

Such teamwork.

Mmm-hmm.
Oh.

That feels good.

Yes, that was one

velvety-smooth game.

I just get so stiff sometimes
after the game. Do you?

I'm starting to.
Hmm?

I'm starting to
get stiff right here.

It's catching up with you?

Mmm-hmm.
Oh.

Thanks, girl.

My pleasure.
Appreciate it.

You want me to put
a little bit on you?

Where? Uh, no!

No, I'm fine. I'm just cool.
I'll just sit here
and hit the old hay.

Okay.

Good night, Mr. Romeo.

Hmm.

You're just so fine.

Don't leave home
without him, huh?

Oh, you got that right.

He goes wherever I go.

Let me ask you
a question.

You think Romeo
takes your picture
when he goes on the road?

Oh, hell, I'm sure of it.
I glued it to the inside
of his suitcase.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'm just saying...
I know Romeo's a man,

and I do know men,
if you know what I mean.

All I'm saying is,
girl, I trust my man.

Do you love him?

(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

Look, Juwanna...

I've never not had someone.

And even with the doubts,
which, I'm not gonna lie,
there are some,

it's better than being alone.

(SIGHING) I'm not so sure
about that, Michelle.

Oh, wow.
Look at these tomatoes.

They're looking good,
Aunt Ruby.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, baby.
How'd it go?

It went great,
Aunt Ruby.

The game was off the hook,
I was off the hook.

Hey, they gave me
the game ball.

And, Aunt Ruby,
I really think

Michelle and I
are getting tight!

Oh, you like her, do you?

Yeah, yeah.
I think I do.

Uh-huh. She likes you?

Well, she will.

You know, I just gotta
keep working it.

She's just starting
to get into me.

Uh-huh. Get into you.
Yep.

Boy, have you lost your mind?

What?

You are a man
posing as a woman.

She don't want you,
she wants a girlfriend.

(SCOFFS)

The second she
finds out you got

an extra piece of equipment
between your legs,

what you think she gonna do?

(R&B SONG PLAYING)

Juwanna! I have been
looking all over for you.

We've got a table
right over there.

What's the matter?

You don't like my outfit,
huh? I told my girl
this Pebbles-do...

No, no, no.

What?

It's just...

You look so
beautiful tonight.

Thank you, Juwanna.
How sweet.

What do you mean, "Thank you"?
Whatever happened
to, "Same to you"?

Oh! I'm sorry, girl.
Same to you.
You looking good, girl.

That's what I thought.
Puff gonna love
you in that dress.

Whoa, wait. What do you mean,
"puff"? I don't smoke.

Puff. You remember.
Over there. Romeo's friend?

MICHELLE:
You remember him. Look.

JAMAL: Oh, my Lord!

Girl, you did not just
set me on a date

with that Carolina
river cricket.

Juwanna, I thought I was
doing you a favor.

JAMAL: You call that
a favor?

And he really
likes you, girl.

Yeah, well, he can start
liking somebody else,
'cause I'm up outta here.

Oh, no, no, no, Juwanna.
Please don't leave.

(BOTH SIGH)

I promised Romeo
that I'd hook you guys up.

And it would really mean a lot
to me if you'd stay.

Please. For me?

Be nice.
I'll try my best.

I found her.

How you doing, Juwanna?
How are you, Mr. Romeo?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Juwanna Mann.

How you doing,
Little Puffy?

All good.
Mmm.

You know, I have to admit,
you are looking
so hot tonight.

Thank you.

Let me aks you something.

What do you want to "aks" me?

Did it hurt?

Did what hurt?

When you fell from heaven.

(SNICKERING)

Hallelujah!
It's called "the bird".
Watch the wings.

(MICHELLE CLEARS THROAT)

Please, have a seat.

Let's have a good evening.

I got the chair.

Some of this.

Good evening, folks.

Would you like to
hear the specials?

No! Don't wanna hear
any specials.

Just get me a cosmo,
heavy on the vodka.

Just keep pouring,
and pouring, and pouring,
till your arms get tired.

(CHUCKLES) I'll have
a glass of champagne, sir.

ROMEO: No, no, no.
Hold up, hold up.

My man, bring a bottle
of your best champagne
for the table.

SMOKEY: Yeah.
Bet that.

And some strawberries
and some shrimp cocktail.

Have we decided on dinner,
or do you need
some more time?

No, no. Don't need
any more time. Get me...

Uh, uh, uh. Stymie that.

That's when you going country.

(SINGS)
* Country gotcha crazy *

(IMITATING A FIDDLE)

Okay, three, five, seven!

The young lady wants
a filet mignon.

You know.
Little hunk of meat.
Little pink on the inside.

(SINGS) * Filet mignon

* How do you like it?
How do you like it? *

MICHELLE: I'll have the...

(SCREAMS)

I'll have the snapper.

Girl, you on fire tonight!

I like it, though.

I like it like that.

(SLURPING)

I'll gonna run off
to the ladies' room.
I'll be right back.

I better go with you.

JAMAL: No, stay right here.

All right. The restroom's
right back there.

(JAMAL GROANS)

(SIGHS)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(JAMAL GROANING)

(BURPS)

(BURPS AND FARTS)

(SIGHS HAPPILY)

(ROMANTIC R&B SONG PLAYING)

You know that could be
us out there, right?

(SMOKEY YELLS)

So can a brother stay
with his woman?
You know it.

ROMEO: I'll be right back.

Back your ass up.

Yo, Puff.
Let me holler at you
for a second.

Yo, check it out.
Take the keys,
take my car, man.

Looks like I'll
be kicking it here.
You know what I'm saying?

You kids be safe...

If you know what I mean.

BOTH: Funk!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Nice crib, young lady.

Say, you mind if I get
something to drink?

I ran out.

How about if I use
your bathroom?

It's broken.

Well, I'm mighty tired.
Do you mind if I crash
on the couch?

Don't have one.

Then do you mind if
I use the phone?

Listen to me.
My line's dead.

Okay. Why don't you
just cut the crap?

You're not getting
into my house.

You don't need
to come into my house.

You don't need
to use the bathroom.

You can't sleep
on my couch.

I don't need you
to go inside checking
for any burglars.

And I don't have any aspirins
for your fake-out headache.

So I'll tell you what.

You're not getting
inside me or my house,

so, you and Little Puffy
can just get to stepping.

Get to stepping.

How about a little kiss?

I ain't giving you
no little... (SCREAMS)

Giving you no little kiss.

All right then,
good night.

You know I could use
a little sugar...

(GROANS)
That's what you can use!

That's exactly what
you can use!

(HIGH PITCHED)
I guess no means no.

(RETCHES)

(FAST-PACED MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)

(BUZZING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

You're a big ol' man!
Now give me a hug.

Now you go right on
over there.

What is your name?

Jerry, you're gonna get one,
"To my friend..."

SMOKEY: Juwanna Mann!
There you are, Jerry.

What's up?

Oh, my God!

JAMAL: You busy?
Well, here...

(BANSHEES SINGING
TRIUMPHANTLY)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

Girl, we ain't even been
up in here six hours

and already you got some meat
sending you flowers?

MICHELLE: You move that fast
on the court, you'd be
league MVP about now.

VICKIE: Are you two done?

'Cause they're not
even for me.

They're for Miss Juwanna!

(ALL HOLLERING)

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Let me have them
before you wilt them.

Let's just see
who they from!

I can read my own card!

Let's see now.

"Roses are red,
violets are not,

"I can't wait to see
what you've got!

"Love, Puff Smokey Smoke."

(ALL LAUGHING)

ALL: He already got it!
He already got it.

He's your mother's sister.

Oh, Juwanna!

Oh, please. Trust me.
Puff is not my type.

Anybody who sends me roses
is definitely my type.

Oh, hell, bitch.
Someone passes you the salt,
he's your type!

MICHELLE: Latisha!
That's cold.

I'mma tell you ladies
what my type is.

Somebody who sends
you flowers for no reason
at all, you know?

Just because it's Wednesday,
or whatever.

And that's special.

That's the kind of guy
you hold onto.

DEBBIE: Well, you know
what I like?

I like it when
a man tells you

you're the most
beautiful girl
in the world.

ALL: Aw.

Oh, Lord.

I hate to burst your bubble,
Mother Teresa.

But a man would
tell you anything
to tap that ass!

WOMAN: Yeah, you got
that right, girl.

I'll tell you this.
And I'mma let you guys in
on a little secret.

It's not that I'm
easy or anything,
it's just...

You gotta
trust me on this.

Now, the key to men
is breaking through
that little code they have.

That little double-talk.

What about when they take
a baby-girl out to dinner,

talk about, "You can eat
whatever you want,
money's no object"?

Oh, all that one means is,

"If I'm spending this kind
of money on your gut,

"when I get home
I want some of baby-girl's..."

That's all that means!
Go girl.

Now, you all know
the mac daddy
line of them all.

Now, say it with me.

ALL: "I promise, baby,
I will call you tomorrow."

Amen, girl!

Hallelujah!

Now, what about when
some men like to brag

about the size
of their manhood?

When we know
it ain't the size
of the boat, baby,

but the motion of the ocean.

Can I get a hallelujah?

Can't I get a hallelujah?

What you talking
about, Juwanna?

The size of the boat
don't matter?

I want the Titanic!

You got that right!

(R&B INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, ladies,
listen up.

No practice today.

All right!

The team has a new
insurance policy.

So, each one of you
needs to take a new physical.

MICHELLE: Come on, y'all.
Let's go knock this out
real quick.

Juwanna Mann?

When was your last period?

Um, my last period. Okay.

I had a game three days ago,

and I played the whole game,
so, two periods.

(LAUGHING) You crack me up!

No, no, no, no.
Be serious.

Your menstrual period.

Oh! Oh, um...

The menstruation period.
Let's see.

Last Thursday.
Yes, I think I unplugged
last Thursday.

(CLEARS THROAT)

And any signs of gonorrhea,
syphilis, or chlamydia?

Uh, no.
Don't have any sisters.
Am I done yet?

(CHUCKLES) No, no, no.

I need for you to disrobe
and I'll step right outside.

I'll be back in just
a few minutes.

Excuse me. You want me
to take off everything?

Every little stitch.

(LAUGHING)

(DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

DOCTOR: Ms. Mann?

Everything all right in there?

I'll be right there, Doc!

Miss Mann?

I'm coming in, Miss Mann!

JAMAL: Damn!
Must be in
the wrong locker room.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

BETTY: Wait. You can't go
in there! Mr. Daniels is
a very busy man!

Who do you think you are?

Oh. Betty, it's okay.
It's fine, thank you.

Thank you
very much, Betty!

Thank you, Betty.

Wow.

A third career.
Where the hell do
you find the time?

I'm telling you
right now, Lorne.
I'm through.

I'm finished
with this. I'm out!
All right.

I'm getting out!
Okay. All right.

Have you checked
with Juwanna on that?

I don't need to ask Juwanna.
I am Juwanna!

Listen, let me
tell you something.

I just left a doctor
who was about
five minutes

away from a handful
of Juwanna's nuts!

All right. I just
thought you might want
to run it by her

because, well,
considering all
the offers

I've been
flooded with...

I don't think you're
hearing me. I just told you...

What do you mean "offers"?

Reebok, Coca-Cola.

Sports Illustrated for Women.

Yeah, it turns out that

Juwanna is
every advertiser's
dream come true.

You know, she's easy
to get along with,

considerate of others,
a real team player.

Pretty much
everything you're not.

Yeah. So, really,

all you have to do
is jump on board

with any one
of these advertisers.

You'll be making
more money as Juwanna

than you ever
dreamed of as Jamal.

You're not getting it, Lorne.
You're just not getting it.

I don't care about all
of that anymore!

(STUTTERS) I'm... Listen.

I did this for one reason,
and I did it
for one reason only.

I did it so
Jamal Jeffries can get
back into pro ball, man.

I want to be
back with my team!
And that was it!

That's it.

All right. Then I'll
tell you indeed that

the network is pressuring
the commissioner

and you're probably
gonna get another hearing.

But in the meantime,
you might consider

taking advantage
of the Juwanna train

while the railroad
is still in business.

And you know what?

I think you might
wanna stop worrying
about Juwanna so much

and worry about Lorne,
because this is about
saving your career, too.

(SIGHS)

Romeo?

Bet my baby's sleeping.

(WOMAN GIGGLES)

Romeo?

ROMEO: That's my name, baby.
That's my name!

Romeo?

ROMEO: Hold on, baby.
I'm almost finished!

Romeo!

Who are you? In my bed?
What're you doing in my house?

Baby! Hold up.

It ain't me! Groupies!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hel... (CLEARS THROAT)

(AS JUWANNA) Hello?

MICHELLE: (OVER PHONE)
Hey, Juwanna, it's Michelle.

(SOBBING) I need
to talk to you.

Girl, why are you crying?

(DOOR UNLOCKS)

I knew you wanted me.
I knew it was just a matter
of time, baby.

What you got?
What you want?

ANNOUNCER AND CROWD:
Six, five, four,

three, two, one...

Happy New Year!

You see that, Michelle?
Being alone doesn't mean
you have to be lonely!

Juwanna, how come
I couldn't see what Romeo
was doing behind my back?

Well, it was
probably the glare
off Puff Smokey's teeth.

(LAUGHS)

I know, I know
it hurts like
crazy now, sweetheart.

Bad.

But you trust me,
you are so much better off.

I just hate being wrong.

Now don't you go blaming
yourself for this.
No, you don't.

You don't blame yourself
for that low-down,
dirty snake.

Sweetheart, some men
just don't realize

what they've got
till it's gone.

And you trust me,

one day, he's gonna know.

Thanks.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

Juwanna, you are
such a good friend.

That's why I like you.

Because you just
keep it real. You know?

No perpetrating with you.
You're just you.

Oh, actually, Michelle...

And you know what else?

I'm gonna quit
all of this
crying and tripping,

and I'm just gonna move on.

That's it, move right on.

Yeah. Let's have
some more wine.

Michelle, I really need
to tell you something...

(SIGHS)
I'm really hoping

the playoffs can take
my mind off of things.

'Cause you and the team
are all that I plan
on focusing on right now.

'Cause I think we got
a really good chance

of winning
the championship
this year.

Especially now
since we got you, dog!

(SIGHS)

LORNE: Jamal.
Okay. It's all set.

Between the network,
the players' union
and my shameless groveling,

we got you a meeting
with the commissioner.

That's great.
What do I have to do?

Well, you just show up,
right? Be polite, smile.

Let me do all the talking,
you know, pretty much
like I'm doing now,

and you're back
in the league.

Sound good to me.
When is it?

Tomorrow, 3:00.

Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute, Lorne.

You know I can't
make that.

The Banshees start
the playoffs tomorrow.

Well, you know what?

How about if my office
tapes the game for you?

Yeah, but they're
expecting Juwanna
to play!

And I'm expecting
Juwanna to disappear!
We got a deal here.

What am I busting
my ass for?

Come on, now, will you?
Understand, will you?

There's a lot
of people involved!

Yeah, Lorne.
Including Juwanna.

I mean, there are
a lot of people
counting on Juwanna, too.

Jamal...

You're scaring
me now with this.

I just need a minute,
Lorne. That's all.
I just need a minute.

(DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

CHRIS: The fans are filing in

with great anticipation
as the Charlotte Banshees

prepare to host
game one

of their WUBA
playoff series
against the Houston Gallop.

Yo. Has anybody
seen Juwanna?

You know, Jeanne,
this should really be
an exciting playoff series.

Well, you're right, Chris.
Even though these two teams
are evenly matched,

most people expect
the Banshees to win
this series.

But in order to do that
they're gonna need
a huge performance

by their star player,
Juwanna Mann.

And we're gonna find out
for real, when they tip it off
in just about 30 minutes.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?
JAMAL: Hey, look, uh...

It's me.

Can we... Can we
reschedule the meeting?

No, we don't.
We're not rescheduling
the meeting, okay?

Let me make this
real clear for you.

If you're not here
in the next five
frickin' minutes,

you're not playing
in the league ever again.
Okay? That's it. This is it.

(FAKE-LAUGHING) Really.

Yeah, I understand.

That was him. He's on his way.

(CHUCKLING)

Nothing to worry about,
Mr. Commissioner.

What's it gonna be, boy?

(SIGHS)

Now, you gotta go somewhere.

ANNOUNCER:
And now, introducing

the starting lineup
for your Charlotte Banshees.

(WHISTLING NERVOUSLY)

I tried calling.

I don't believe this.

Where is she at?
I don't know.

You know what it is?
I'm thinking...

Uh... Traffic. Yeah.

It's always...

Bad down... You know,
here, it's bad.

ANNOUNCER: Number 22...

Juwanna Mann!

Hey, where you been?

I had a friend that
had some problems.

Now, let's kick
some butt!

All right, let's do this.
Let's get in here,

MICHELLE: Huddle up!

I guess some
things never change.

Oh, you're wrong about that.

The moment we've been
waiting for is finally here.

We are underway.

Ball!

Go, girl! Yeah!

I've lost my mind!

JAMAL: Way to go, Michelle!

MICHELLE: Good pass!

(CLAMORING)

CHRIS:
Things remain tight here.

The Gallop and the Banshees
are playing evenly so far.

They've been trading
basket for basket,

yet the Gallop
holding a slim lead
for the moment.

It's been that kind
of game, but we should
have a wild finish.

Defense! Defense!

On your D! On your D!

Juwanna Mann! Juwanna Mann!

CHRIS: Nine seconds left
and the Banshees
are down by one.

But there's a steal!
The ball's stolen
by Juwanna Mann!

Look at Juwanna Mann.
Go, Juwanna!

Could Juwanna Mann
possibly slam-dunk this ball?

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHEERING STOPS)

Yes! Yes.

(MAN IN CROWD LAUGHING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

CHRIS: I can't believe
what I'm seeing here.

It's Jamal Jeffries!

And that's your
play of the day.

(CROWD GROANS)

It don't make
me no difference.

I still love you,
Juwanna Mann.

I love you, Juwanna Mann!

SMOKEY: Juwanna Mann!

I love you,
even though, I guess...

You're still the man.

Does that make me a man?

Juwanna!

SMOKEY: Juwanna!

What the hell is
happening to me?

Whoa, Michelle,
I can explain, all right?

Just give me a minute.

Michelle!

JAMAL: Michelle!

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

In perhaps the most
bizarre sports story ever,

women's pro basketball
star, Juwanna Mann,

has turned out to be exactly
what her name implies, a man.

He a sicko! Straight-up sicko!

No comment.
Excuse me. No comment.

In my country, penis okay.

My mother have penis.

JAY LENO:
In the WUBA,
Charlotte Banshees

have fired Jamal Jeffries

for posing as a woman.
Do you know the story?

See, the odd thing is,
Jeffries was known
for being a big playboy.

The team said they
became kind of suspicious

when they caught him
hitting on himself.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
LENO: In fact, he could...

(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

CHRIS: Since the opening tip,

the Charlotte Banshees
really have been struggling.

They have not
looked very smooth...

Jamal, Jamal, Jamal.

I see you moping
around here.

I see you down in the dumps.

I also see you ain't
been using no plates
in this room.

(LAUGHS)

You got yourself
quite a mess here.

(SIGHING)
I'll clean it up.

I'm not talking
about this mess.

I'm talking
about that mess.

Now, sit up.

Scoot over.

Now, it's no sense in
crying over spilled milk.

Best thing to do
is start looking
for a paper towel.

You hear me?

Hmm?

(CROWD BOOS)

WEB PLAYER: Next!

CHRIS: Jeanne, it appears
the Banshee fans are just as
disheartened as the players.

JEANNE:
Chris, I would absolutely
have to agree with you.

And unlike the Gallop,

this Phoenix Web Team,
they have a lot of game.

Really, the Banshees need
to turn this around now.

Otherwise
they're gonna get
blown out

and they will not
advance to the finals.

I brought
my "A" game today.

(CLAMORING)

COACH: Let's pick it up, guys.
Can you handle that?

Second half, that's
what I want to see.

What's the matter
with you guys?

Huh?

Come on, Coach!

Face it, we're never
gonna get to the championship
without Jamal.

That's not true.

What you doing here?
This is the ladies'
locker room, perv.

Look, I just want to talk
to you guys, all right?

ALL: Oh, please!

COACH: All right, ladies.
Hold up. Hold up.

I think we're letting
Mr. Jeffries here off a little
easy by throwing him out.

Let's listen to
what he has to say.

I think we all
want to hear this.

Guys, look...

I messed up, all right?

I mean, what I did, it was...

It was wrong.

It was selfish.

And I'm...

I'm truly sorry.

When I first got here,

I gotta tell you,
I thought women's
basketball was a big joke.

Hell, I thought anything that
wasn't about Jamal Jeffries
was a big joke.

(SIGHS) It turns out
the joke was on me.

That's because I thought
that the most important
thing about basketball

was being a star.

That's until you
guys taught me

that the only way
to truly shine

is to be a part of a team.

So if you guys want
to hate me,

and Lord knows
I understand you
if you do...

But you're gonna
have to hate me
after the game.

Because you guys never
needed me to win this.

And you don't need me now.

I needed you.

So, come on.

Go win it.

And, Latisha...

Your game is on.

But keep your
eye out for Magda.

She's getting open
in the post, all right?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

CHRIS: I don't know
what happened in that
locker room at halftime,

but the Banshee team
has played with
tremendous emotion.

Somehow, they've
been rejuvenated.

JEANNE: Well, Chris,
you are right.

This is like a completely
different team.

What an amazing turnaround.

Don't look now,
but the Banshees

might actually
get to the big show.

(ALL CLAMORING)

ALL: We're winners!

(ALL CHEERING)

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Dear Michelle...

Just 'cause it's Wednesday.

The fans deserve
to have a true
basketball star,

and a future role model,
finish his career on top.

Please believe me when
I tell you that Mr. Jeffries
is a changed man.

And I say that not
only as his agent

but as his friend, too.

ARBITRATOR: Mr. Jeffries.

After hearing
the very sincere,

and impassioned plea
from your representative,

I must say that
I am still left

rather unimpressed.

You have not only disgraced
our men's pro league,

but the women's
pro league as well.

This is a closed hearing!

With all due respect, sir,
and on behalf of
the Charlotte Banshees,

we in no way feel
that Jamal Jeffries
has disgraced our league.

MICHELLE: Without a doubt,
he may have disgraced himself,

and he is certainly
paying the price for that.

MICHELLE: But we forgive him.

No doubt, no doubt.

And we feel that
you should, too.

We want you
to have this, Jamal.

I'm convinced. I think
they've made their point.

We out of here, y'all.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER:
And now, returning

for his second year
at starting guard,

the only man who has played

in both the men's
and women's professional
basketball leagues,

North Carolina's
own Jamal Jeffries!

Hey, hey! You!

What, man?

That's not a keg!

You know how much
this stupid thing costs?

What does it matter to you?
The bank owns it now, anyway.

The bank?
The bank owns this?
Yeah.

Oh, really?
Hey!

You know what?
The bank's got
a dustpan in the kitchen.

Maybe you need
to get that, too.

What's up, baby?
Yeah, you're like
an angel in this light.

(SCREAMING)

Yo, man! What's up, G?
I just saw you on
the television, man.

That movement was so flying.
You take it off like this,
I was like, "Oh!"

You do it like this,
I was, "Oh, yeah!"

You went like this,
I was like, "Boonga!"

I was like...
(SPEAKING JIBBERISH)

Oh, no, you don't have to.

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

You don't walk
all over her.

I'm wrapping
around her.
Watch me.

Ride me!
Ride them, cowboy!
Rawhide!

I like it rough!

Aunt Ruby, please.

(VOCALIZING)

You got to get
on the floor, boy.

Oh, shit! So sorry.

Get your ass
on that floor.

Now, go ahead,
do that walk I taught you.

Oh, shit!

Come on, Lorne.
Just feel them for me.

Why?
I want you to see
how they feel.

I don't want to...
Man, those are good.

That looks good
on you, baby.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.
Yes.

Oh, my God.

Lorne, not you, too!

(RAP SONG PLAYING)