Original subtitles

CHARLIE: 'Hotels love

'All that free publicity,

'in countless magazines

'and, of course,

'Today, you don't need

'or clever to be a celebrity.

'This is the age

'Shag a footballer,

'and suddenly you're catapulted

'The staff are like servants.

'we're just here to make sure

'But the truth is, we're only human.

'We see attention lavished

'..while the genuinely talented

Somebody's obviously had collagen.

I've got a reservation -

Oh, um, sorry, sir.

'And when someone we truly admire

'..we want them to see us

'just the person who changes

'Sometimes,

SHOUTS OVERLAP

Good morning.

Ah, flipping paps have been

I can't even powder my nose

without someone jumping out

Carrie, give us a smile,

Lovely. So, is it true

Depends on how much they pay me.

Go on, girl, work it. Lovely.

That's it, thank you very much.

See what I mean? It's a nightmare.

I haven't got lippy on my teeth,

No, you're fine.

Cos I hate it when they snap me

I've got a reservation -

Well, you'd know that,

Hey, it's nice in here, isn't it?

I bet you I'm not the only

We've had quite a few.

You're in room 506.

Thanks.

I'll take these for you.

LOCK BLEEPS

Hello! Hi, um...

I was just about to put this in your

I'm sure there was some there

Unless you're trying to tell me

Oh, no, no, no.

It's just that we got rid

and the new lot keep forgetting

Ah, that's a relief.

Actually, I need it after fighting

Who are they waiting for?

Carrie Cottan.

She's apparently

Oh, right.

Popular culture

I'm sure Miss Cottan's

Probably not.

Although I am.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry, I just wanted to say

especially The Evolution Of Lament.

and all the female characters

Thank you, that's very kind.

Well, um, enjoy your stay.

Actually, seeing as you're here...

..I'm allergic to... to feathers.

I forgot to ask for foam pillows.

I mean, if it's any trouble...

Oh, no problem at all.

I'll make sure some

Thank you.

Sorry, I don't know your name.

It's Jackie.

Well, thank you, Jackie.

Here we go.

LOCK BLEEPS

Just on the left.

Oh, God, your tip!

Oh, it's no good,

Just wait there one minute.

There you go.

Well, I'm not that famous

that I don't remember what it's like

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

As you are all probably aware,

Carrie Cottan will be staying

The swimming pool will be closed

God only knows why,

but the paparazzi are still

so please keep an eye out for anyone

We've already had

She didn't seem to mind though.

Carrie Cottan.

Used to do a lot of that phone sex

just to make a bit of extra money.

Turns out that the TV presenter -

He was one of her regulars,

They had an affair, press found out,

she did a kiss-and-tell on him.

Told everyone about

Nice.

and the reality TV circuit.

She's milking her 15 minutes' fame,

That's all we need. Another slapper

We've got enough of them.

She's a very passionate

Talented at what?

To be fair, she did actually pretend

on Celebrity Love Shack.

Who can forget the drunken brawl

You're just a snob.

So, she's clever

I like that in a woman, eh.

It's nothing to do with the fact

I think it's pathetic,

all the photographers trying

and they haven't even noticed

Exactly.

That skinny, bearded bloke, Anna,

and is one of Britain's

If he's so famous,

His books don't have pictures

If you are curious,

and he's reading from it here,

If you fancy it, you're welcome

Normally, wild horses wouldn't drag

but I've got some admin

Yeah, I've, um...

gets really busy

I'm gonna see a guy...

A man about a dog.

You're a bunch of ignoramuses.

That's it, thank you.

Charlie, I wonder

My brother is coming to England

You want preferential room rates?

No, I hate him.

No, look, every time

he plays the big man with me,

Showing off about this restaurant,

You know, laughing at me. So...

If I have a classy woman

then he'll laugh

She's even classier

How can I help?

Well...

Maybe you can put in

You know, make her appetite wet

You know, something like...

"Gino, the barman,

It might be tricky, slipping that

Oh, yeah, I see.

I tell you what,

you've created a special cocktail

She'll come down to the bar and you

Yes, the one I make for the barman

I shall say it's for her.

Charlie, you're a genius.

No problem.

Why do people insist on carrying

Good morning, madam.

Might be for some, but I've had

Cab driver drove like a maniac.

Poor little Petal

Oh, how dreadful.

Isn't she a darling?

I've got a reservation -

GROWLS SOFTLY

WHISPERS: One minute.

Where does she get off calling me

Ex-wife, Mum.

He left the stupid cow.

Oh, I'll get her back.

There's lots of stuff

that she wouldn't want

I'll have to go.

Bye.

I'm sorry about that.

No problem whatsoever.

I just wanted to make sure you

Oh, yeah, I'm great.

Hair and make-up are gonna be ready

and one of our staff

Actually, seeing as you're here,

I've been sent some perfume.

It's a designer freebie.

What do you think?

Mm, it's very nice.

Not too strong?

No, seems fine to me.

Oh, look.

You've got

Are you gonna be

I'm gonna be a sexy mermaid.

No doubt I'll pop along,

just to make sure

I'll look out for you.

OK.

She's not here long, so it won't

Well, if you get your hands on them,

My mate. Just popped over

Oh, that's all right then.

I mean, I thought you'd left the

but as long as you're having a good

Don't think so.

Ad's a mate from back home, so...

I'll see you later.

OK, Carrie, I'm after sexy

You're luring sailors to the rocks

OK, positions, please.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

OK, Carrie, less evil

You're trying to entice the sailors,

# You're magic to me

# A beautiful mystery

# I'm certain to fall, I know

# Because you enthral me so

# Marina... #

CRASH

Cut. Can someone fix the backdrop,

OK, just take five while

Charlie?

You couldn't give us a hand,

This rock's murder on my arse.

Ooh!

Sorry.

SHE GIGGLES

I'm terribly sorry,

Oh, it's fine, I had to do

Actually, seeing as you're here,

would you mind giving me

I'd be happy to.

I want to look smart

Just can't choose which tie

Although I'll have to

I'm not usually this indecisive.

You think I'd be used to it by now,

but I always get sick with nerves

I had to give a talk at uni once.

It was only in front

but I could barely

So, what do you think?

Definitely the green.

It'll bring out

Right. Great.

Well, thank you.

So, will your new book

Yes, they're sending

Great.

OK.

I'm here working tomorrow afternoon.

If you wanted, you could pop in.

Only if you want.

Thank you,

I should be here around one.

OK, I'll see you then.

Yes, I'll see you.

Um, could I put my purse in

Oh, good. Would you just hold Petal

PETAL GROWLS SOFTLY

I'm taking her

and, ever since

I don't like to take

Oh, how awful!

No, no, no, I was fine.

Petal was terribly traumatised

Had to have several sessions

Oh, look, she likes you!

It's a great compliment.

Yes. I think animals can tell

Come on then, my darling.

Come on. Oh, there we are.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Are you OK?

Just catch my finger in the door.

OK.

Good afternoon. I'm Gino.

I'm Carrie.

I heard there's a freebie cocktail

Yes. I have made a special cocktail

Would you like to try?

Yeah, sure.

Actually, I've named it after you.

It's called Very Sexy Lady

It's a beautiful cocktail

Aren't you the cheesy one!

Well, anyway, it's delicious.

Hope you like it.

Actually, I think

for the Barman of the Year

MOBILE PHONE KEYPAD BLEEPS

I'm in the last six.

Don't want to blow my own trombone,

I'm the hot tip to win.

That's great, Milo.

Gino.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

KEYPAD BLEEPS

Your cocktail.

Oh.

Mm, that is tasty.

Thanks very much.

Everyone here's been

Especially Charlie.

He's, um...

So, what is the story with Charlie?

I bet you he's got a gorgeous

No.

No, I mean that, er,

Hello, sir.

Ben, the receptionist.

Charlie's gay? Yeah, I know,

He doesn't seem the type.

The general manager doesn't like it

so him and Ben,

You know, to put her off the smell.

Listen, it's probably best if you

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Um, I'll have to get this.

Thanks again for the cocktail, Milo.

Hello?

Hi, Rita.

Hello, Luke.

You need me do something?

I don't have to need something

Actually, I've been hoping to get

Yeah, you.

Come on, Rita,

Why don't you put that down?

You...

You're very pretty.

I don't know.

Well, I do.

I'm meant to be working.

You know what they say about

What if someone come in?

I get it, you're not interested.

If you don't like me,

instead of letting me

No, it's OK.

I do like you...

..very much.

Well, then.

Shut up and come here.

Charlie?

I just wanted to apologise

You know, about being

I'm just glad that Milo told me

before I made even more

Milo?

I probably

He said you like to keep it quiet.

Don't worry, I won't say anything.

It's quite a relief, actually.

When you didn't seem interested,

Well, um...

I'm glad it's out in the open.

I'm doing an appearance in GAY

You should come along.

Sounds sensational. I can polish off

And, er, bring Ben.

By the way, he's gorgeous.

Youse make a lovely couple.

Yes, Ben is very special to me.

Oh, shit, better get a move on.

Don't forget to let me know

We should get back to work

It's my last room.

I go home now.

Right, well,

Look, let me know when you're free.

We'll go for dinner,

somewhere special.

See you later.

DOOR THUDS SHUT

Hey, Gino, how's it going? Oh, hi,

Yeah, OK, you know, can't complain.

Anyway, love to chat,

Oh, that's OK, just a quick thing.

Have you got any idea why Carrie

You, gay?

No, no.

Maybe she's crazy.

Or maybe it's your shirt.

If you don't mind me saying,

It's a strange thing,

because I actually think

Me? No. No.

She must have misheard me.

She's also misheard you

Well, maybe I did say something,

I saw her being flirty with you

so, when she asked me

just... slip out.

Gino, even if Carrie does like me,

And, besides,

by telling her that

I know.

But, you know,

I tell her she's beautiful

Women like Carrie, they're used

If you want to get to know her,

find out if you've got anything

Build up some kind of rapport

Maybe you're right.

You think maybe

Oh, you like to shop

Oh, God, yeah. Too much.

Me too!

Oh.

Right.

No, I mean I like to go

Not that I have a girlfriend

Of course, I could have a girlfriend

I've had lots of girlfriends

but not that many. I don't want you

I'm a loyal guy.

Actually, I think it's about time

You know, nice big house

LIFT CHIMES

This is my floor.

Oh, OK.

HE MUTTERS

"Carrie Cottan's ex, Marcus Walker,

"has clearly put his affair

"Marcus and his sexy wife,

"have announced that they are

God, imagine being snubbed

Well, if you will behave like

what else can you expect?

She deserve our compassion.

It's this Marcus Walker

So, you'd turn down the cover of GQ,

Absolutely, yes.

I intend to make my millions

Through marrying some rich bloke?

Anna, can I have a word?

Mrs Dickinson's going out

and she's requested

so you need to take her

I can't do that. I couldn't possibly

Well, I've got some trainers

You can pick Petal up at one o'clock

A walk'll be lovely

Are you OK?

No, something terrible

Are you free lunchtime?

Mrs Dickinson asking you

Yes, it is outrageous!

Dog-walking's hardly

not to mention how dangerous

Dangerous?

Yes, dogs are disgusting and vicious

It could attack me.

I could be killed or, worse still,

which is why I

Thanks, usually

of being attacked

but today, I'm kind of busy.

Oh, really?

I'll kill you if you tell anyone.

Francis Levington's

He's gonna give me

Oh, I wondered why you were

Still, rather you than me. I once

and all he wanted to do

I mean, who cares about that?

It's not a date, he's just knows

He's just being kind.

Right. So, that's why you've got

Can't a girl make an effort

You should take the jacket off.

Yeah, show a bit of flesh.

There you go!

Hey, Jackie. Hi.

Have you done something new

No, I just put it up.

Anyway, I've got a meeting to go to.

She's got a rendezvous

you know, that book writer?

They've been getting very friendly.

Oh, right.

Well, good for her.

Yeah, I'll be on it Friday night.

Of course...

Champagne, sir.

You know, I always wonder about

If you're really interested,

Although I'm not sure

Er, well, this is my publisher,

Although, seeing as

into doing these readings, I don't

Oh, and that's... He's my teacher

I always thank him, even though

Stop. Stop!

What?

What was all that then?

Is this how you get your kicks?

Leading some unattractive man on

No, I do find you attractive.

Well, there shouldn't be a problem,

Get off me.

Well, I do and I don't appreciate

Argh!

GENERAL HUBBUB

PAPS SHOUT CARRIE'S NAME

SHE SOBS

DOOR LOCK BLEEPS

DOOR OPENS

LOCK BLEEPS

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same question.

SHE CRIES

We should get out of here.

What have you got in your pocket?

Tell you what, don't ask me any

I saw you take some photos.

OK, yeah.

Seems Mr Walker likes to do it

I'm gonna take them to the tabloids

So, if you don't mind...

Take them back.

Oh, I get it.

Worried she'll be upset?

Well, she was happy enough

off somebody else's bad luck.

I'm sure she'd understand.

This is stealing.

You put them back or I tell Rebecca.

And I'll tell her I found you

What were you doing, Gino?

You shut your mouth.

No, you're gonna shut your mouth,

You're not gonna have that barman

And, as for being

you can kiss that goodbye.

I don't think they give awards

Right, Petal, put your feet up,

cos I certainly intend to.

Now, be a good girl

OK?

Look, I'm not making this much fuss

They're valuable

they could be worth a lot of money.

I'm sorry about this, but we do

as I'm afraid we're not liable

Yeah, well, they're personal and

If you must know,

..and they're a bit X-rated.

One of your staff

How the hell would anyone else get

No. The last thing I need

about how they've been stolen.

Every journalist in London'll

If somebody has taken them, they

and we're gonna do

We'll let you know

DOOR CLOSES

Can you check if anyone

after she went out?

If any names come up, look into it.

Could I have a gin and tonic,

You OK?

Sit down.

Sit.

It's just so embarrassing.

It's OK.

I've been such a bloody idiot.

I wasn't even gonna sell my story.

But then Marcus...

That's my ex.

He pissed off the minute

Then I thought,

That's just giving him

And then, once I'd spoke to

and do these photos.

I was earning £4.90 an hour

When would a girl like me

Only now...

I'm a slapper and a gold-digger

and it wasn't like that.

I never planned any of this.

We just got on.

And I really loved him.

Hey, hey.

Here, come on. It's OK.

No, it's not,

because now someone has stolen

and, if they go to the press, he's

and I wouldn't do that.

I really wouldn't.

I'm sorry.

Don't feel sorry for me.

I'm the stupid cow

We all do crazy things

I'd better go and get myself

Probably look a right state.

You look lovely.

It's Gino, isn't it?

I spoke to security. Rita Fernandez

to have gone in Carrie's room

Honestly, Charlie, I don't think

She's painfully shy,

and she can't read a newspaper,

We're still gonna

Look, you take those photos back

All this over some woman

It's not about that.

Fine. You'll do it?

I was thinking of taking them back

Well, I quite fancy

so I was gonna say I found them.

Who knows? Might even get a raise

well, could get a shag out of it

Such a lucky day.

You get to keep your stupid

HE CURSES

Are you all right?

Yeah, fine.

You know, Luke sometimes

You don't usually smoke, do you?

It's been one of those mornings.

Jackie, what's wrong?

Jackie?

Jackie, you can talk to me.

Francis Levington

He offered me a copy

I thought he genuinely wanted

He seemed really sweet.

We kissed.

He wanted to take it further, I told

Did he, um...

No.

I got away before he had the chance.

Rebecca? The police?

No, I'm not going to.

I mean, it's my word against his.

I chose to go up there. I can

You won't just let him get away with

I mean, I've got to work here

knowing he's around.

I'm scared.

What does that mean?

You just go and find Rita

Charlie!

Don't do anything stupid.

So, ten o'clock

Excuse me.

Can I have a quick word, sir,

Of course.

There seems to be a problem

You've only booked for

and I'm afraid we're full,

so we can't accommodate you

Well, that can't be right.

I remember getting the confirmation

I'm afraid it is, sir.

Well, I don't think

I'm not prepared to be

not when it's patently

You'll just have to

Well, there's really nothing

I'm just glad that Miss Clunes -

told me about the problem,

otherwise I wouldn't be able

I believe you spoke with her

Listen to me...

She was hanging around my room

She came onto me.

and make herself out to be some sort

You must see, this is

You know...

I'm about to eat dinner

I think you're misunderstanding me.

For God's sake, be reasonable.

You can't seriously believe

I suggest you go

before I deal with the situation

Ben! Ben!

I've lost Petal.

I locked her in the storeroom

I can't find her anywhere.

You didn't seriously expect me

She smells. She must be terrified!

What about me? Mrs Dickinson is

and if I don't find her, she'll

Wait a minute.

I take it to the laundry room.

I used spare key.

BOTH GASP

Oh, no. Did you put the laundry

No.

I leave it there. Maria do it now.

GASPS

Can you see her?

No, I don't think she's in there.

Oh, wait! Isn't that a tail?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God,

Oh, why won't this damn thing open?

Help me, Ben!

It's OK, I've got it.

Oh, how did you do that?

I pulled this out.

I always knew that Physics GCSE

Oh!

Oh, shit.

I didn't!

Of course not,

But I want you to promise me, if you

that's gonna help us find

you'll come to me immediately.

OK, Rita. Thanks, you can go.

Do you think she's hiding something?

I doubt it. I think a thief

and let themselves into the room.

That's great,

Oh, you needn't worry about

Why, what did you say to him?

Unfortunately, he only booked

and, well, sadly, we're full.

Oh, thank you.

I've got a weekend off coming up.

Do you want to come over

Maybe watch a DVD?

Can I get back to you on that?

Sure, no problem.

I should go. Good luck with Rebecca.

You gave me a shock,

Sorry.

It's just I'm free this Friday.

Maybe you want to have dinner?

Sorry, no can do. I'm busy.

It's probably a bad idea, you know,

getting involved

but I'll see you around.

Oh, there you are, my darling!

I was starting to get worried.

Oh, she's awfully warm.

Is she?

That's because she's been lying

We had such a beautiful walk,

Well, now I know how well

I can make sure you get the chance

You can shut up.

Just thought I'd let you know

so you can quit stressing.

So, do I get a free whisky or

I don't think so.

Are you Luke?

Let me give you a hug.

Thank you so, so much.

Look, I've got a couple of tickets

Why don't you take them

That's great, thanks!

You said you gave them back.

I did. It's just I'd already scanned

You didn't think I'd miss a chance

That's it. I'm telling Rebecca.

You sure about that, Gino?

It's just the pictures are already

You'd be losing your job

Cos if you take me down, Gino,

What you've told me about Luke

but I can't say I'm surprised.

But you, Gino, I can't tell you

Very sorry. I...

But did you think about

if she'd found you hidden

I need staff that I can trust

What if another woman comes along

How do I know I won't find you

I have learnt my lesson.

It won't happen again.

No, you're right, it won't.

Not in my hotel.

I'm sorry, Gino, but I can't see

KNOCK AT DOOR

Not now.

The other day, I caught Luke

It's been driving me mad

Anyway, it came to me this morning.

He's a freelance journalist

And Rita the chambermaid

She remembered talking

before her key went missing then saw

Right, well, as it happens,

Luke definitely took the photos.

Wait till I get my hands on him.

No, Tony, I'd rather

not till I've spoken to him. If you

How did it go?

Let's just say I wouldn't want to be

I was wondering...

Did you get a chance

Yeah, I have.

I just kind of think

We're just getting used to

and I don't want to mess that up.

Right.

Well, OK. Maybe you're right.

Probably for the best anyway.

I'd have to tidy it up.

Cool.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, I wanted to thank you again

As you're probably aware,

unfortunately they turned up

Yeah, I must've got to them

Obviously I'm keen to find out

You haven't remembered

Afraid not, no.

It's just that I had

and he told me you took them.

Me?

The liar.

This is because

and now he's eaten up with jealousy

I see. It's just that Tony also saw

Adam Sorrel.

He's a mate.

No, it doesn't,

saw you taking photos

would suggest that you are.

They're holiday photos and...

Yeah, so I did it, yeah, I took 'em.

I fail to see

You know I could call the police.

Oh, you could, yeah, but you won't.

Well, what makes you

Well, the thing is, I've a nice

They're paying me

dirty dealings.

They want to do a big article.

Now, I haven't spilled the beans

..but if the police get involved,

well,

that could change.

Get out.

You're sacked and if I see

in any newspaper

I go straight to the police. Out!

Hello.

Bingo.

Hey, that's my money!

Go and have a coffee, mate,

We're gonna put the money

We thought it'd make a nice gesture.

Consider it your way

Sorry for what? I haven't done

Rebecca warned me, you know.

She said, "He's a chancer,

but I stuck my neck out.

I tried to teach you everything

that you had what it took

What, end up like you?

Licking arse for a living...

You think because you've got a

you're something.

Well, scratch the surface

Shits like you are ten a penny.

What's the matter, Tone?

Making an enemy of me

By the time I've put the word out

you'll be lucky to get a job

I seriously suggest

Yeah, well, I'm not scared of you,

You've had that one coming

Ahem. Gino.

What you did was at best foolish

It was pure luck

and I can't have staff

I know.

That said, you put your neck

which showed loyalty to me

I'd hardly want to lose a potential

So, I've decided

Thank you, Rebecca.

Thank you, I...

I can't put in words how grateful

Well, I'm sure we've all been

when we have a crush.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

I won't let you down. I promise.

Make sure you don't.

CHARLIE: 'We all have a public

'but nowhere is this more true

'and the staff who serve them.

'Maybe the person who is so admired

'isn't really worthy

Why don't you make it out

'Or maybe behind someone's

'they're hiding unhappiness

'That cheeky chap with the

'isn't as charming as he seems.

'And the woman we all loved to hate

'turns out not to be so bad

'But sometimes,

'People really are that shallow.'

Oh, bye-bye, Petal,

Say goodbye.

Bye-bye!

Urgh.

'And that nice bloke who seems to

'turns out to be just that.'

I'm off.

I just wanted to say goodbye

and thanks for being so nice.

It's no problem. I have enjoyed

Same here, Gino.

Anyway, it seems they're right

when they say that no publicity's

I've just been offered

I'm gonna be the new Ginelli

There's gonna be pictures of me

Isn't that great?

Sounds fantastic.

See you around, Gino.