Original subtitles

CHARLIE: 'Life in the city

'which is why a luxury hotel

Good morning, sir.

'A place where you're treated

Very good to see you again.

Babycham? Certainly, sir.

'Where your every need is catered

'How do we manage to make it look

A caffeine-only-based diet

It is the end of the month.

And my third shift

Tits and teeth.

'The trick is in the mask.'

'The great thing about working

'is that the mask is the work.

'It comes with the uniform.'

Showtime.

GUNSHOT

'You're out there,

'and on your game 24/7.'

'But always remembering

'And that is to provide a service.'

'Though some services

MUSIC: 'Lady Marmalade'

'Or known to the management.'

# Hey sister, go sister

THEY LAUGH

'The bad thing about working

'is that you're out there,

'and on your game 24/7.'

'And if you don't like

'you'd better not let it show.'

You have got to be joking.

We are so thrilled you've chosen us

This is my wife's first major event

and she's terribly nervous,

Well, we can walk you through

whenever you're ready.

This way. Our receptionist, Anna,

Anna, this is

Yes, of course it is.

THEME MUSIC PLAYING

One month's use of a MiG fighter.

Excellent. If you sell

you stand a chance of bidding.

I need everyone

If this ball becomes part

it will mean huge revenue

Oh, any idea what was going on

Haven't got a clue.

The only attitude I need

professional grovelling.

James, how's it going?

Fine. Oh, actually, no.

The chef they've brought in

celebrity Italian lunatic

Seems to have a bit of a history

Really? Do you think it'll affect

It could affect them

Do whatever it takes, James.

If it means one of them ending up

then so be it.

Charlie, this way, please.

Straighten those, will you?

Hey, Charlie. Listen to this.

Julian Henry Cromwell-Carey,

is the heir to the 12th

He's 47 years old.

He's the 457th richest man

according to The Rich List,

and he recently married

These are very important guests

that I want you all

over the next 24 hours, and that,

By rights, I should have had

but my father blew it

I came out on Old Compton Street,

it's not all it's cracked up to be.

THEY ALL CHUCKLE

What's this?

Oh, plans for the ball.

Seen this? Switchback the rapper

and he's staying here.

Switchback?

Switchback. He's the new Dizzee.

Good heavens! Listen to this.

"Yo! The Black man ain't no diptych.

"No soul in an arsehole, bro.

"You dip there one time, I bust

CHUCKLES

Wait, wait. That homophobic rapper

To sell more records. Tell him, Ben.

Why me? Because I'm Black?

You should go see him.

What the hell do you know

Right. OK.

Anna. The plans?

I, er, just wanted to help

by taking these plans up

I can't have any complaints.

There won't be any, I promise.

Very prompt. Thank you, Anna.

Where is Lord Stanwood?

Oh, he's through in the shower.

Oh, anything you can't quite place,

on the designer's name and price.

Actually, you're to blame

Me?

You don't remember

I'd just come to work

and you had had a one-night fling

with that guy, remember?

And you said that

the richest man we could, marry him

and live like princesses

Well, I must have been

I met Julian at the Chesterton

Six months later,

Oh, how sweet.

You see, when I get married,

it'll for be something

than money and possessions.

But the best part is,

we are absolutely

and it's all down to you.

Can't believe

The way you used to talk, I thought

or at least be running one.

Yeah, because actually, I am.

Oh, really? Mm-hm, mm-hm.

No-one else knows about it yet,

but yes, the hotel have asked me

to take over from Rebecca

So that's why you've changed

The name?

Thornton-Wilton.

Looks so much more impressive

Darling, which suitcase

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is Anna.

I told you about her, remember?

The unpopular receptionist

Oh, I'm delighted to meet you.

I'm the manager.

so I'll be showing you around.

Well, it seems like

since the Chesterton,

CATHERINE SHRIEKS

That press conference was fast, man.

You let that guy

and in letting that guy diss me,

And if somebody disses me,

they ain't on my radar no more,

I got the press conference bit,

but you lost me somewhere

Just get me to my room, bro, yeah?

OK?

Sir, anything I can help with?

Let me see. Do you have a gun?

Unfortunately, we're not licenced

What a shame.

You've no idea how many times a day

We're with the record company.

Excellent. This way.

Key cards for Cane Row Records,

Thank you. All right.

It's adjoining rooms

The suite's on the right

All right.

LIFT BELL CHIMES

Anna, the ladies' toilets

Yes, are strictly

and their very important guests.

No, I mean that somebody has been...

I thought I made myself

that the other guests can use

God. Shall we through

So, this is the ballroom.

What the hell is she up to?

Tony, Tony, Tony.

Can we stop dilly dallying, please?

Now, what time are the jugglers

I need them here before five.

Anna?

Charlie! Charlie's here, everyone.

I shall leave you

and you can continue the grand tour,

Can I just ask...?

but later, because

Does she ever stop?

Unfortunately not.

You see?

About £100.

Wait here.

DOOR ENTRY SYSTEM BEEPS

Housekeeping.

MUSIC PLAYING

What are you doing?

Just seeing if the guests

And? They haven't,

You've got 30 seconds.

It seems somebody's been telling

How was I supposed to know

I thought she was still

and she'd come to spy on us

So you two are friends?

Yes, but we fell out when she slept

and I called her

Hm. She's obviously shifted up

OK. You were obviously embarrassed

when you found out she was here

so you told her

Am I right?

Deputy manager?

You told her you were

In waiting.

SCOFFS

You've really surpassed yourself

I'm gobsmacked.

Well, no, it's just because

and she was being so bloody smug,

and you see, because all my life,

I've dreamt of living

with money and glamour.

And then suddenly, she's living

It's just not fair.

I'd actually prefer

How long have we known each other?

And have I ever asked

No, not as desperately as this.

Oh! Don't even start

I mean, shagging and marrying

What does that make her?

And maybe a little bit happy?

OK, so what if I was, say,

just for the afternoon?

That'd mean I could deal with

and that'll leave you free

and no-one else need know.

Just you and I.

Yes, and Lady Stanwood.

But that way everybody wins.

And I promise I'll stop

And if Rebecca rumbles me,

then I'm on my own.

You think being in management

Well, pretty much. Come on.

Will you let me?

You should be careful

Is that a yes?

WATER SPLASHING

Ben! Whoa. I thought it was you

Benjamin Trueman.

LAUGHS

Hey, never better, blud.

You're looking good.

Look at you, all slicked up, bro.

It goes with the job.

Look, I'd better get back

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Seven years, man.

This calls for a party.

Oh, I don't know.

Hey, we are having a party, bro.

Get the bredrins rounded up,

Know what I'm sayin'?

Hey, this moment needs marking, man.

Top, top ladies. Pootie time.

Know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah. Sounds good, bro.

That's the old Benjamin

SIGHS

Now, this is Monsieur Matsui.

He pays double for double.

DOOR ENTRY SYSTEM BEEPS

Come on.

Go ahead.

MUSIC: 'Lady Marmalade'

# Hey sister, go sister

# Go sister, go

# Mocha chocolata ha

# Coucher ce soir?

# Wrong, wrong, that's right

I'm sorry, I can't.

# Gotta keep up

Oh!

Don't worry, don't worry.

Gianlucca and Martin

Gianlucca worked through

most of the female waiting staff

and then started on Martin's wife.

She left Martin

They're both professionals.

They won't put personal issues

Martin never recovered.

recovered, relapsed

You're worrying too much.

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY DIN

Ah, madam.

Welcome, welcome, welcome

I hope everything

Very much, very much.

And it's so good to see

CHUCKLES

Universal adulation

He's still the same old Gianni.

Right, well, have a good night

Engine room? You sycophantic idiot.

Just get on with your British slop,

Leave Gianni to take care of

Discerning palate?

You wouldn't know

if it came up and slapped you

Piggy eyes?

You pig-ugly English cretin.

Wop prat!

You want to make something

MUSIC PLAYING

KNOCKS AT DOOR AND MUSIC STOPS

Poon tang?

Skirt, and...

Honeys and snort.

Girls and chang, bro.

Three or four girls

Don't hand over the dosh yet, pal,

Sorry, I don't normally do this.

Look, I'll organise everything.

All right?

Right. Good.

EXHALES

What was all that about?

I said he has to pay the company,

Yeah, good work.

TAPS PHONE KEYPAD

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

I've been lucky.

Especially considering

the standard of work recently

What's all this about?

I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

It's not hurting anyone.

It's just a few regular guests.

Was it Tanya who told you?

No, actually, it was you. Right now.

Why don't you tell me

for these regular guests?

We just take off our dresses

There's no touching, see?

The harm is that

not some two-star peep show.

So I'm going to give you

I'm going to give

Either do the job properly

or go find work elsewhere.

You know,

it's not such a bad idea.

HOUSEKEEPING STAFF CHAT

It's not too late

You're not serious?

Well, a lot of guests come here

You and your cohorts are out.

But you'll have over a hundred rooms

I'll manage.

'Parties in five-star hotels

'You can spend upwards of £500,000

'importing the Milan

'and the latest Italian diva

'celebs swanning around.

'Auctions can offer anything

'to a week's well-digging

Turn left and head downstairs.

'It's not what you know. It's who.'

Oh! How are you?

'With guests paying

'you can really push the boat out.'

'The more money you spend,

'When you're paying £1,000 a night

'whatever your needs are,

'As long as the room

'rules can be bent

'and staff can suffer

'Sometimes we'll even go

'Celebrities and pop stars

'When you live your life in hotels,

'you start to treat them

Well? Well, I think

I think you're absolutely right.

Rebecca? We have a little problem

Well, can't you deal with it, James?

Not this time, no.

Oh!

When do you think I should change?

Into what? A receptionist?

No, I told you. I have

I thought that a simple dress

You're going to the ball?

Yes, of course

One-to-one management, Ben.

Good evening.

See you in there.

SHOUTING AND CLAMOURING

What is this, Gangs Of New York?

And what are you doing here?

I come here for ice.

And this English stick-up slob

It is not the country!

It's just the testosterone-fuelled

You limp little pig dog!

I suggest that you get your ice

No, no, no, no.

I don't take this lying down.

This is about everything,

My culture, my national pride.

The very core of Gino.

MUTTERS

Hey, where are you going,

And you lot are going

and produce some of the finest food

And we are going to stand here

Hey, I will not be treated like...

OK, everybody. Back to work.

Back to work, boys.

Come on.

ANIMATED CHATTER

Hey! Let's get it on!

Benjamin.

Got the bredrins in the yard.

SWITCHBACK LAUGHS

Looks like you've got it

Look, get yourself up there pronto

All right? Benjamin.

Mm.

All right.

Well, well, blud.

Oh, we were at school together.

Ah, so you're old friends?

No, we were at school together.

We really need to get the stragglers

Yes, of course, Lord Stanwood.

Julian.

I trust that you're satisfied

Absolutely!

No...

I think one of us should be inside,

Of course.

See you later, Julian.

GIGGLES

Doesn't everyone look amazing?

And just to think,

Yeah, the five-star meal,

might have something

LAUGHS

Do you know what, though?

Imagine how absolutely terrible

if something suddenly went wrong.

Like what?

Well, any number of things, really.

At events such as these,

which is why I believe you should

Someone like you, you mean?

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Well, you need to have a costume.

Yeah, I could get a costume.

I'll call the hire store,

LAUGHS

There's no need to put yourself out.

At the Chesterton, you called me

Slag, actually.

Let's drop the act, shall we?

We never really liked each other.

If I need you, I'll find you.

With the rest of the workers. Ciao.

Cirencester.

Is that where you're from?

It's who we are.

Have we got them?

They were to be left at the desk

Cirencester.

Are you staying with us?

Staying at the Ritz.

We always stay at the Ritz.

Are you sure you left proper

Of course I did.

who can't find anything.

We don't appear to have them.

Have you checked with the Ritz?

I'll call you a cab.

Taxi, please.

So, these girls,

Yeah. It's happening

Dave tipped me off.

What? I looked into it on one of

Apparently, it started at Babylon.

This chambermaid service thing,

Prices and everything.

I've got a babysitter at home.

I want the names behind this.

Anyway, what's wrong with the buff?

Well, if anybody said to Gino,

"in just a bow tie

"no touchy-feely,"

LIFT DOOR CLANGS SHUT

Don't know about you, but I'll never

Hi, Tony.

GASPS

Oh!

GASPS

EXHALES

Oh, yes. You shall go to the ball.

SQUEALS AND GIGGLES

As simple as possible.

Unbelievable.

I'm absolutely mad that you just...

I understand.

First of all,

I truly do. I really do.

I understand.

Hello. Yes. The theme is Venetian.

Italy? Romans? Ice cream?

Hello?

Sorry about this. Ben?

Would you mind looking after

Have you organised it or not?

Sir, what we're going to do...

Excuse me, ladies.

What the hell is going on?

A guest asked for girls.

But these aren't my girls.

Haven't you learnt since last time?

You said, "Whatever a guest needs,

A guest needed girls,

I was going to share the...

Last chance. One more strike,

Yeah.

There. Ben?

Ben!

Oh!

Good evening.

STRING MUSIC PLAYING

GIGGLES

LOUD HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING

ANIMATED CHATTER

Ya reachin' the yard already.

Whatever you want, ladies.

Help yourselves. Drinks, food.

Hey, my man, Benjamin.

LAUGHS

Looks like you've got

CHUCKLES

and all yours, whatever you want.

LAUGHS

Give me a beer, man.

Let's party in the yard now.

You all remember Benjamin?

Hey!

One more, then we're on the flat.

Take me through which part

It was a bad line with my supplier.

LOUD HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING

Which one do you want?

Which one? Come on, man. Which one?

Her.

CHUCKLES

Hey, girl.

Hey, girl.

Let's go.

Where to?

What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just been a while

Oh.

Forget about them.

OK.

What is it?

HE SIGHS

You're not really into this,

What do you mean?

What do you think?

The only person you're fooling

You're right.

Ben, wait.

What's going on?

Why don't you ask your friend?

What's going on, man?

Look, maybe you should just leave,

Because you ain't the guy I knew.

And you sure as hell

But I suppose you just

Let me tell you all a little bit

Shut up, man. The big macho guy

Don't listen to him.

And the whole star thing going on.

That's OK. I understand.

Am I right?

No. You never could take me,

You want to know

You.

If you hate fags, bro,

And next time

I'll break all your fingers,

SCOFFS

Come on. Let's go.

Um, I'd like to introduce

the fabulous Mr Julian Clary.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed, ladies.

I am indeed Julian Clary,

Good evening, Lord Stanwood.

No, no, no.

The whole point of a masked ball

Oh, I see. And you can be

No past, no future,

Is there any other way to live?

Quite.

Thank you.

SIGHS

Our next slot is a luxury holiday

Oh!

APPLAUSE

A paradise island.

Who'd like to start us off?

£5,000.

Thank you.

Oh, gosh, I'd kill

Let's hope it doesn't come to that!

Thank you very much indeed, madam.

APPLAUSE

This is a luxury holiday.

Put your hand up.

Any more for any more?

Yes, madam?

Say £20,000.

£20,000.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

At last. Someone entering into

Thank you, madam.

Going, going...

GAVEL STRIKES

Sold to you, madam.

APPLAUSE

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Threw everybody out.

Still paid for everything, though.

And I got some pictures of party boy

Ladies, if you'd follow me.

What are you doing?

Maybe I didn't make myself clear

No, you were perfectly clear.

You were worried

but do you know something?

I've never felt more at home.

Leave now, Anna.

Relax. Enjoy your evening.

Come, my dear.

Ah.

Why don't we go and mingle?

Hey! Get back here!

You beat me, you greaseball!

INDISTINCT BRAWLING

I don't know why they can't treat

without taking them to hospital.

Well, maybe if the level

had been treated

we could have avoided

Smugness really doesn't suit you,

BRAWLING CONTINUES

Ah, Jackie.

SIREN WAILS

What would you give

behind the chambermaid scam?

One of my lads found these

There's loads of them, apparently.

The source of these and the blog

A Mr Matsui.

Been staying every month

Room 912.

We have a major problem.

What?

She's gatecrashed my party.

I told her not to come,

the manager in waiting,

The manager in what?

She's taking over from you,

because you're not hacking it.

GROANS

She's in the ballroom. I know what

I want her found

Don't worry, Rebecca.

You'd better get to her before I do.

I do find this endless round

a crashing bore, don't you?

Same old people.

There. There she is.

Um, come with me.

Oh!

Don't just stand there.

In here, Lord Stanwood.

Hey!

Oh!

What are you doing?

I know you seem

to secure that two weeks

Better get a move on.

Haven't got much time. No, no, no.

Oh, you've been

and now you've dragged me in here.

My dear, I've already had

I'm more than delighted

Nothing like pastures new,

What about Catherine?

She's just grateful for the money

But she's your wife

She's an attractive, feisty girl.

She knows her place, and she looks

She says that you love her.

Ha! I adore that working-class view

Quaintly antediluvian.

What makes you think

LAUGHS

Everyone's working class, my dear.

Plus, I've always been

tarty look.

I tried to make Catherine

but you can take the girl

Why don't we forget about Catherine

and concentrate on ourselves?

Just for ten minutes or so, hm?

Shall we?

What are you doing?

Bloody little prick-teasing...

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

Can I talk to you? Alone?

All right.

I just need to know one thing.

Did I make you what you are?

I'm not talking about

I'm talking about

You got me wrong, bro.

I'm a lover.

That's not what your lyrics say.

Is that just part of the image, too?

You may have forgotten everything,

I mean, we shared

First drinks, first fights,

first spliffs, the first girls.

Yeah, we did.

And you can say we were drunk,

but it happened, Tel.

I kissed you, and you kissed me.

And in that moment,

You're right, bro.

My life ain't never

CHUCKLES

That's what you wanted me to say,

LAUGHS

You're sick, man.

You've got to be sick, man.

Nothing happened.

And if you start blabbing

I'll sue your arse, you understand?

I feel sorry for you.

Nah. You're the sorry one, bro.

I have it all.

Living the dream, man.

And next time you see me,

I don't know you. You got that, bro?

I never knew you.

No, I haven't seen him in ages.

Catherine.

Your husband

I guessed this was coming.

He just tried to shag me

You are so pathetic.

He also said that he's had most of

Will you shut up?

You are so transparent.

You saw me with all this,

to take whatever you could

Just like you always did.

No, that is not what this is about.

You never give up, do you?

Do you know what he thinks

Have you seen her?

Last seen somewhere

We're not the only ones

Something about a stolen costume.

If she ruins this evening...

If she ruins this evening, it'll be

Trust me on that one.

Caz.

Will you leave the party now,

He thinks that we're just

that he can pick up and use

He is not the man

This may come as a bit of a shock

but your husband

You know nothing about it.

Oh, my God. You know, don't you?

What? You know everything about him,

and yet you're prepared

For what?

But it's a lie!

What about you?

How sad can you get?

I know all about you. I know

Number one being

and your mum a dinner lady.

Your double-barrelled name

Oh, and number two, when you finally

the management had a drinks party

You're a spiteful little cow.

And number three,

and you let it sour the lives

of everyone you ever meet forever.

Charlie, do something.

At least I've stopped lying.

At least I can stand here and say

Yeah, but for how much longer?

SIGHS

Anna, don't.

This is all your fault.

If you hadn't tried to shag me,

But then again, you've shagged

Get your cheap slut of a manager

She isn't the bloody manager.

She's deranged.

Oh! You're the one who's deranged.

Get yourself upstairs.

But this is my ball!

I told you to use the Grosvenor,

I am surrounded by imbeciles.

This hotel is a disgrace.

And you, you'll hear

As will you.

What?

You think I can tolerate

You've embarrassed yourself

You are just a common little tart.

GROANS

That was for the common tart,

Um, you can keep the holiday.

I think you might need it

Ha! You idiot.

SNIGGERS

Everyone, there's still time

so music, now!

With your overwhelming talent

you'd better have

what happened this evening.

No, Rebecca, this time

Actually, I think the blame

Due to the added pressure

I encouraged Anna to take

with Lady Stanwood.

Given their personal relationship,

prove to be a useful link

You and Ben left reception unmanned

You may go. I'll deal with you both

We've lost a potentially

Actually, Lady Stanwood's

is also probably

Plus, we've taken future bookings

from prominent irate husbands

whose evening

Talk is of a philanderers ball

to celebrate the sending

somewhere very north of Coventry.

Anna could have done everyone

I'm sorry.

What for?

Erm, I don't know.

Probably ruining mine.

Well, I'm starting to realise

That girlie agreement,

Total rubbish!

What?

Remember what they used to say

Whenever we got together,

Yeah, I guess some things

BOTH LAUGH

Thank you.

And I'm sorry about what I said

And the Chesterton.

Did they really all celebrate

I'm sorry about the guy stuff

A broken heart's a broken heart.

I'm beginning to realise that.

SIGHS AND CLEARS THROAT

You two kissed and made up, then?

Charlie, did you ever work

Yeah, three years ago. Why?

Oh, no reason.

Suppose I'd better go rescue

Looks like Great Granny

CHUCKLES

Just out of interest,

No. OK, I'm going to put you

He's probably the best

He'll make sure you're more than OK.

Thanks.

I always wondered

Now I know.

Bye, Charlie.

Was she lying about your parents

My name is Anna Thornton.

And what about the guy?

What guy? The guy that she said

I just made him up

Come here.

SHE SIGHS

Do you think I'm an idiot?

I just think that some of the things

that you think are important

Like what?

Like money, status, position.

Would you really want to swap

No, not right now, no.

Well, there you go.

I'll see you later.

It's a shame about that guy thing.

Why?

Well, if he really existed

he'd probably

'A mask helps you

'Sometimes it's all you have.

'And sometimes

May!

Oh, just ignore him, darling.

Ghastly man.

'But we wear them

Hey, Anna. Rebecca's going

Yeah.

You know, most of the time,

And then on a day like this,

I wish the ground

At least it's safe.

At least we can be ourselves.

Come on. Put on a brave face.

'Because without our masks,

'They can also be our best weapon.'

Sure about this?

He also made us work

Housekeeping.

# On your marks, get set

# Voulez, voulez, voulez

# Voulez-vous coucher avec moi

Enjoy your last show, Mr Matsui.

# Voulez-vous coucher avec moi

# Voulez, voulez

# Voulez-vous coucher avec moi

Oh!

WHIMPERS

# Voulez-vous coucher avec moi

# Voulez-vous coucher. #

'The great thing about working

'is that the mask is always there.

'It comes with the uniform.'

This way, please.

'It's what gets you through the day,

'even when the day

'But always remember,

'Everyone.'