Original subtitles

CHARLIE: 'At Hotel Babylon,

'and their extravagant requests.

'So, who would you guess

'and is the most demanding of all?

'If you think royalty, think again.

'I'll tell you.

'Premiership footballers

'Wedged-up young blokes,

'and generally half as smart.

'Told to behave, even though

'they quite rightly think

'It's like lighting a firework

THEY LAUGH

Come on, come on!

'And in this hotel,

'we don't mind the hijinks

'But you should never

CHEERING AND YELLING

THEY LAUGH

To paraphrase that fictional

just before he turns

..don't make us angry. You really

Here's your key card, Mr Dovic.

Your hotel comes highly recommended.

I'm fully confident I shall

Oh, great.

When you've finished

do you think you could be persuaded

I've mentally undressed them,

got nasty in the shower, got dressed

All in the ten seconds it took for

A bum that tight sets off

like a bell triggers a dog to drool.

Don't tell me it doesn't have

No requests for autographs,

no staring, no touching,

no smoking in the presence of.

Can we breathe the same air,

or should we switch to anaerobic

Sorry!

Oh, good morning! You all know

every club in the Premiership

Yeah, God knows why.

Ugh, how do I put this into words

For... their... money.

Modern footballers

In Italy,

Unless they get ever-so-slightly

Yes. Then they behave like

who have their legs

REBECCA: This list was issued by

Now, if she says "no smiling at",

With Peter Yardley as manager,

He'll keep them well under control.

The man was a legendary captain

Complete opposite

Now, if you'll excuse me,

with Peter Yardley and the woman

Yes?

You might get a more rounded view.

You know, I did once

Really?

Yeah, well, I say lunch -

at the Royal Lancaster

and watched him eat it.

Tony said Bestie even

than a mortal man.

That man played

The game, not the dough.

And sure as dogs have fleas,

Listen, Anatoly didn't resurrect

only to see his assets

The answer is no.

Miss Stoll.

Well, it has been rather irritating,

Peter Yardley, club manager.

Club coach.

In my days, a coach was something

Yes, well, we still sit on coaches

but that's just to keep their minds

This is my head concierge, Tony.

He'll be helping to look after you

Big fan, sir, big fan.

March 1976, White Hart Lane -

Good game, that was.

How tragic, that a life is

that the memory of a football game

I beg your pardon? I need

Paging Mr Lucan.

Paging Mr Lucan.

Paging Mr...

Paging Mr...

Big fan, sir. Massive strike

Thanks.

Forgive me

but I just wanted to say that

that room service can't provide,

you can text me, Mr Hocker,

Anything at all, day or night.

Seen this, genius?

Second front cover in three years.

Great.

Here, mate, can I have

What you playing?

What team are you?

What player?

You really need to broaden

Oi, soppy. Look after that.

The paparazzi'll stop at nothing

to violate the image rights

So... I want you to enhance

to dissuade them from

I don't think it's necessary.

I've given strict instructions

to go straight up

In any event, our current personnel

makes Hotel Babylon

My club are paying

In future, they could choose

in Hotel Babylon... or elsewhere.

Consider additional security

Once I've spoken, I take it as read

that the appropriate action will

Can I help you, sir?

I need more pillows.

Of course, sir,

About eight.

Eight?

Is that all right with you, Mary?

My name's Ben.

And I think we all know

I'll have eight pillows

And make sure you don't touch

Ben, everything OK?

Fine.

Good afternoon, sir.

Thanking you kindly.

DOOR CLOSES

Good morning.

Your room is 103, Mr Boscastle.

As you can see, I'm...

Boscastle?

Isn't that the flooded village?

My family's

Oh, that's unusual, to be named

It's a... Cornish tradition.

I was in Cornwall last year.

Boscastle's beautiful - the clifftop

Thank you.

Amazed they let you out.

That is the sixth this afternoon.

From Boscastle?

No, all dressed in black

It's a very, very small

And did you notice that not one

Anna, you do realise, don't you,

with lead in their pencil wants

SHE SCOFFS

Tanya?

You should've finished by now.

Tanya?

SOBBING

Tanya?

Babe!

Hey.

What's wrong?

Babe.

Shh, shh.

It's OK. Shh!

Welcome, friends. First, we must...

You are?

I'm Stephen from, er, Colchester.

ALL: Hello, Stephen from Colchester.

You are?

ALL: Hello, Meg from Romford.

Who are these for?

For them.

OK. Allow me.

My name is Maureen

ALL: Hello, Maureen

And you are?

Oh, I'm Martin and, erm,

I'm from a village just outside...

Just the region, please, Martin.

Norfolk.

ALL: Hello, Martin from Norfolk.

Who's for the sparkling water?

You know Tanya,

She's convinced that a guest that

is the man that murdered

Is this a joke?

I found her in the bathroom. She

Well, I have seen it before.

Some of the staff that come over

Memory was probably triggered

She'll be fine. Give her a Scotch,

expect her to be all over you

If I wanted to give her a Scotch

I would've gone to Rebecca.

Even if what she says is true -

which, I'd put money on it,

our limit can only ever be sympathy.

Please, give her a Scotch...

And send her home.

One of my team needs me.

I don't suppose

HE SIGHS SOFTLY

Jackie...

Oi!

You excited about tomorrow, Clive?

Yeah. I remember my first

You're doing it again, boss.

You're boring everyone rigid

I was trying to relax the boy.

I'll keep the boy genius relaxed.

Hey.

Yes, sir?

I can assure you,

THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

Hey, come on, lads. Lads!

They're just having a bit of fun.

Well, get me another one, yeah?

PLAYER: Sling your hook.

Go on, get out of here.

THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

It's just a bit of fun, James.

Well, in that case,

to repair my splitting sides.

The extra heavies

I'll inform Miss Stoll.

Miss Stoll, the additional security

Good.

PLAYERS CHEER AND LAUGH

Hey-hey!

I'd rather you didn't do that, SIR.

You're a lesbian?

I'm the manager of this hotel.

So? You have nice ass.

THEY CHEER

That's enough.

Do enjoy the rest of your meal.

THEY CHEER AND WHISTLE

I'm gonna have a quiet word.

It's just a bit of fun.

Bollocks it is.

Just do your job.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

SHE GIGGLES

Ah!

LIFT BEEPS

LIFT BEEPS

LIFT BEEPS

LIFT PINGS

DOOR CLOSES

LIVELY CHATTER

Goodnight, sir.

Manager off for a quick tipple?

He famously never touched the stuff.

Sleep tight, sir.

In the old days, the kids served

until they were fully developed.

for doing what you love.

Goodnight, lesbian.

Is there something

Yeah. Men in packs are bastards.

They're going up for a quiet night.

Head of European Operations

specified that I oversee every

Well, why don't you take

and oversee every aspect of ME

overseeing every aspect

I could use a bath.

At school, I was the goalkeeper...

Everything by the book,

Think of it as a taste

Professional is my middle name.

WHISPERS: Thank you.

I thought it was Marion.

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

and I'll break your tongue.

Yes?

You know the six guests dressed

If this is a song, I don't know it.

If it's a riddle,

They all just went

Well, maybe they're pallbearers

Burying the deceased is tiring work.

Perhaps they've nipped upstairs for

United in grief.

Don't you want to know

OK. How old's the eldest?

Mm, well, no, I really don't want

SHE TUTS

It doesn't always have to be -

I'm surprised to see you still here.

Jackie told me

Thousands of European businessmen

ev...

I didn't think I saw, Charlie.

Tanya... Today, he holds credit card

Ten years ago, it was

HE SIGHS SOFTLY

Jackie told me also.

The longer you spend round here,

I'm stupid.

You're not stupid.

You're just mistaken.

Yes. I am mistaken...

..to expect management to care about

THEY CHATTER

When I typed in

I got a couple of hits connected

in Croatia

So, Tanya's not completely mad?

No. This is a shot of Milandrokovic

We now search the guy in 704.

He's a highly successful

construction entrepreneur

Built an orphanage for kids whose

They're both from the same area.

It's a coincidence. They're

One guy ruins the country,

the other guy's devoted

What better way to disappear

than to become the mirror image

Jackie...

I genuinely admire your support

this is just not the same bloke.

They look the same to you?

Me neither.

Is it all right to pop out

What for?

A spot of room service.

Room service comes from OUR kitchen,

Aha. But not everything our clients

Gino... found this on the bar.

"Anything. Any time."

Get these knocked up

especially for football players,

Mm-hm. You always say a good

As long as it doesn't take him

The line?

there is a line over which

But you also said, "Everyone chooses

Indeed I did.

So, can I go now?

I don't know, son. Can you?

HE SIGHS

THEY LAUGH

You're gonna love this gaff.

Wow! Look at this!

God, it's massive!

Told you, it's a proper gaff, this.

Good evening, ladies. Yes, sir?

I want a massive bottle of Moet

and I want one of them

Oh, yeah!

Well, if you call room service

they'll be happy to provide you

Why don't you be

and, er, see to it personally, yeah?

What do you want?

Here you go, look. Here y'are, have

THEY LAUGH

Yes, sir.

"Yes, sir. Sergeant major, sir."

THEY LAUGH

No, no. No, he's a lovely little

Here, look. You're funny.

Come on.

SHE LAUGHS

So, then, er, are you sure

Trust me, sweetheart,

Brothers?

HE GASPS AND SIGHS

Now, why do I find that

Go on.

SHE SIGHS HAPPILY

Oh.

Nothing Tony can't handle.

Room 704, please.

Sleep well, sir.

Our pollution has that effect

When they run out of anaesthetic

they stick the patients' heads

for two or three minutes.

You know, in my hometown,

we say we chew it.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, that's not necessary, sir.

Makes my stay more pleasant.

Thank you, sir.

What a nice guy.

Mm.

Perhaps I should tell Rebecca

Or better yet,

Yes, Mr Boscastle?

I've been trying to order

but each time I phone down,

they think I'm playing

Why? What are you trying to order?

Six plates of bacon.

With?

Six plates of just bacon.

Six portions of five rashers...

unsmoked.

Right. Yes, of course.

Within the hour, please.

Six plates of bacon?

Well, at least you can rule out

What's that?

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

Give me some more! Whoo!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh!

Yes!

Oh, darling! Baby!

Hey, darling, you want me, er,

spank your saucy,

Oh, yes, please.

KNOCK AT DOOR

What? Room service.

SHE GROANS

Put the champagne on the table

Sorry, sir. Where exactly

Over there.

Oh, wicked. Thanks.

How old are you?

What?

Er, 16 last week.

Oi, Private No Nuts.

Stop fishing about

My boy's a big fan of you guys.

Now,

but, er, he's terminally ill.

If I was to come home

I'd be flavour of the month

which in his case,

I said, "Out."

He was born with kidneys

HE SCOFFS

When's Clive gonna join in?

Soon, babe, all right? Soon.

Would you sign?

Nobody's signing nothing.

Please.

I'm gonna be taking this gentleman

Are you bollocks.

a healthy environment for a lad

Yes, and with all due respect, sir,

Oh, by the way...

you tip far too generously.

You jumped-up little prick.

You seem to have dropped your towel,

I'm gonna get you sacked so fast,

Is this how you dreamed

when you started out, sir?

for procuring girls

the game's produced in years?

You wouldn't dare.

Well, let me find him another room

There you go.

Sir.

Is that your bag, sir?

Yeah.

Excellent. After you.

DOOR OPENS

SQUEAKING

MOANING

SHE SIGHS

SHE GRUNTS

MOANING CONTINUES

Right!

I thought I'd got them wrong,

that the team makes hospital visits

Oh, they do. But only cos

Is it like that every time

Dave calls the Premiership

And you?

I see.

Well...

..I shall make sure

Thanks.

Oh, erm, Tony, I'm supposed

you know, for your trouble.

Not tonight, sir. You sleep well.

LOCK BLEEPS

HE SNORES

Yes?

Room service.

Bacon?

Leave it outside, please.

in case someone takes it between my

I'll collect it

I'm sorry,

but I am charged to bring the bacon

Leave the bacon and go away.

It is more than my job's worth...

WOMAN CHANTS

I see. So it's just shagging...

and meat.

Well, at least you had the decency

Close the door.

OK. OK, OK.

What you guys get up to

it's your business.

and you and you and you on,

Why don't we just take the bacon

Not possible.

Not only is it possible -

I'm sorry, young lady.

You've seen too much.

Ay-up, mate.

You look like you could use a drink.

that makes people think

and treat everyone else like shit

Is, er...? Is Karl Marx in tonight?

I thought he wasn't coming in

LAUGHTER

Please...

That business upstairs - you didn't

Enjoy? I loved it!

Well, what about a little thing

SHE SCOFFS

cos the tits aren't listening, yeah?

See you later.

A fizzy water

THEY CHATTER

Lime? If it looks like

Heavy evening?

Disillusioning.

You know, if Mr Yardley there

knew what his players were doing

he would not be sat down here

They're not buddies,

Go on.

South London gangland.

Very rich, very violent,

There you go. There's your...

Make sure you count that.

Oh, hello.

Hello what?

Well,

I saw one man give another man

Are you blind?

It was bursting at the seams.

Thank you. See you later.

Oh. Thank you, gentlemen.

Lovely. Thank you.

They just bunged

I saw an empty envelope. And if

that is what you saw as well, eh?

God, that's Peter bloody Yardley.

Think he's selling his allocation,

Would he be a fool if he was not

Everyone except the fans, Gino.

All over the world,

That's the way it is.

Well, tonight, I've had a bellyful

Hey, Tony.

Mr Yardley...

..could you sign that?

HE SIGHS

My dad took me

Them were the days, eh?

You never went down, never dived.

My old fella used to say

that you were the most honest player

I'm, er... I'm tired, son.

Mm. May I?

Are you anxious?

About the match?

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

My squad's been hand-picked from

They could stay in the hotel in bed

Well, you don't sound as pleased

Look, son... when I played,

the FA Cup was a beautiful dream

Now, it's got all the romance

Mr Yardley,

But they win.

And that's all that matters?

Winning's good for business.

That's all that matters.

Well, my old man would turn

Then maybe he's better off where

PETER GRUNTS

What are you doing up?

Couldn't sleep. So, how's it been?

These people. They're vile.

Well, you say that as if you want

What if I did?

Such as...?

Well, if I were to say it out loud,

Then don't say it out loud.

What about all the business

as a result of me doing something?

All that money.

I'm coming round to the idea

that the satisfaction we would gain

Seriously?

I'm sure you'll find James amenable.

And Charlie... and Gino...

and Ben.

Oh, definitely Ben.

And you?

I will be in the gym,

Ooh, Tony.

Rule number one...

Well... looks like it IS

James... have you got a moment?

Luke.

What's going on?

What would you gentlemen say

Depends what the odds are.

Long.

Imagine there was a group of people

Could you be more specific?

Imagine this group of people

You're looking to stitch up

I bet your teachers loved you.

They used to give me extra detention

What are we talking about here?

special breakfasts?

You in?

Count me in.

Luke, are you staying on

or are you joining us on mine?

Joining you.

Good lad. So, as they say

We have no wish to keep you here

but seeing as you forced your way

I'm asking you to remain

for a little while longer.

You really think that the world

According to the prophecies,

the world will end in exactly...

..42 minutes,

at which point,

with a massive asteroid

Precisely 30 seconds

I have arranged for the six of us to

by pan-galactic nomads from

You can't really believe

We do not merely believe. We know.

So how come no-one else knows?

There are others

All right,

It has been decided

without the grotesque trauma

This is ridiculous.

Trust me... you don't.

OK. So, what's with the bacon, then?

What - is that your last meal

In order to be salvaged

our bodies will be required

thus depleting muscle tissue.

I have been advised that bacon

protein-to-sodium-chloride ratio

to most quickly rectify that damage.

Aha. OK, I see.

You're completely mad, aren't you?

Anyone ignorant

would no doubt imagine the same.

I have arranged the bacon, Adrian.

Thank you, Maureen.

Now... excuse us.

Yes, of course. Erm,

Are you going to hang a large towel

Bacon... and suspended animation

Hypnosis. Right, now, I've heard...

So...

let us feed.

Three, two, one.

ALARM WAILS

Come on, you lot!

Shake a leg! Come on, move it.

Fire!

ALARM DROWNS SPEECH

ALARM BELL RINGS

ALARM CONTINUES

MAUREEN GASPS

We're here!

Come swiftly.

We're here! We're waiting!

Maureen, it's the hotel fire alarm.

It's our saviours.

The electromagnetic shock wave

must have blown

the length and breadth

We must hold fast

SHE WAILS

Maureen, when I advertised

I requested people

who would remain calm in adversity.

Now, all of you, repeat after me.

Calm in adversity,

ALL: Calm in adversity,

Calm in adversity,

ecstatic in salvation.

Now...

..take us.

And God help... everybody else.

ALARM WAILS

Ladies and gentlemen...

Please. Please stay calm.

Er, we've got every reason

that this is a false alarm.

Stay in the lobby, though,

and clear the alarm.

I'm gonna have hotel staff

just to tick your names off,

make sure that everyone's

Thanks very much

Now, this is interesting.

Listen.

I've been all over Europe

I have never seen my boys trea...

If you have something to say,

All present and correct,

except Mr Dovic, Clive Hocker,

Right, well,

so I'll go and give Mr Dovic a call.

I have. There's no answer.

Well, we both saw him check in,

Shit!

Get the security to meet me

What about Anna

Mr Dovic, it's the manager.

STRAINED GROANING

DOVIC MUTTERS

HE MUTTERS

Jesus! Tanya, you should have

It is him.

Tanya...

This man's name is Mr Dovic.

I was going to make him confess

Now, you can also hear.

HE MUTTERS

SHE SPEAKS CROATIAN

Tanya, this is not a way

HE GASPS

I am Mr Dovic.

I'm innocent!

I provide children.

I'm a building contractor. Please.

SHE SPEAKS CROATIAN

Innocent man does not

Tanya, even if

you should have gone to the police.

What - and lose my visa

I ask you to help me,

HE GRUNTS

I need you to look at something

Jackie got this off the internet.

It's not the same man.

Please, really look at it closely.

I never forget his voice.

Two people can sound very similar.

Or his eyes.

You're mistaken.

Take all the time you need.

If we establish this alarm

I will be writing to your chairman.

As will I,

falls far short

Your squad falls far short

we expect of our guests.

I think you're forgetting who

I am speaking to

who screwed a married footballer

It's not what I'd call

the highest level of

SHE SCOFFS

SHE SIGHS SMUGLY

I could sue you

SHE GASPS

What is it you want?

I want you and your team

Unless you want it leaked

that you and your team

KNOCK AT DOOR

We're serving an early breakfast

Excellent.

Breakfast, and then out.

Oh, and, er, six guests and Anna

SHE GROANS

I'm so sorry, Charlie.

Take her downstairs.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so, so sorry.

Mr Dovic...

on behalf of the Hotel Babylon,

for this horrendous incident,

and will, of course,

No.

No police.

The bitch must have hit me

Should have finished the job

HE SIGHS

Oh, my God!

Anna?

Anna.

Anna!

Rebecca.

Please tell me no-one's dead.

My name...

is Adrian Tintagel.

I am ecstatic in my salvation.

I am at your service.

What did he say?

Something about

Where am I?

Hotel Babylon.

That's not possible. The Earth...

Still very, very here.

The others?

Still unconscious.

You see, you weren't saved, Adrian.

No little green men

Unless, of course, they're wearing

Enjoy your breakfast, sir.

Thanks.

Cheers.

Enjoy.

I'll, er, sign your autograph book

Thanks, but it's full.

Right.

PLAYERS CHAT

RUMBLING

Well, Mr Tintagel,

I do hope that your next visit

is under slightly less

Am I eligible for Air Miles

Well, yes, you are, sir,

After that, you're on your own.

You have my account ready?

Of course, sir.

Also, I'd like a taxi to take me

There's a cab rank outside, sir.

Mm-hm. I'm sorry - what?

There is a cab rank outside.

No, I mean, I would like you

I'm afraid that's

Mr Milandrokovic.

I will have the number of

We get all sorts in here

PAPER RUSTLES

You!

Take my cases to the taxi.

I'm sorry, sir.

Order him

Or what?

Somebody take my cases to the taxi,

As manager of this hotel,

I demand that you make someone

I can't do that, so I'm afraid

you're gonna have to

Tanya...

TRANSLATION:

TYRES SCREECH

CHARLIE: A famous pig once said,

"All men are equal, but some

But it's precisely because

who say stuff like that

that the rest of us

RADIO COMMENTATOR:

'The captain, David Osbourne,

'Apart from Clive Hocker,

'the United players have been

'during this remarkable game.

'The manager Peter Yardley's job

'hanging by a thread...'

THEY LAUGH

'Look at that. There are more

'and they're throwing up.

'And there's the whistle.

'It's 4-1 to the winners

'and the Premiership giants

Revenge is, indeed, sweet.

Yeah, like a pina colada

CHARLIE: 'I can't speak for staff

'but here at Hotel Babylon,

'Like I said,

'And don't... make us angry.

'You know why.'