Original subtitles

REBECCA: 'The best hotels in the

'They know how to cater to

'Male or female,

'every guest that comes through our

BOTH: Good morning.

Thank you, madam.

'On a night away from home,

'men and women will have

'Men will choose a hotel

'for the in-room entertainment

'If he can get a receipt for it,

'Women, on the other hand,

'They come to relax.

'To shop for clothes, jewellery.

'In fact, the only thing that male

'is they all expect

Hey!

Code red, fifth floor.

Tony! Stop him!

Call security.

Who's he?

Stop struggling, keep still.

Charlie! I think

What have we got here, then?

Pervert, paparazzi?

Ah. Private investigator.

Ah.

We recovered the camera, madam.

It was a private investigator,

so I suggest one of you calls home

'How did he find out about us?

'It's not my husband,

As you can see, Charlie,

not much has changed

Glad to hear it.

CLAMOURING

Are you OK?

If you'd like to come this way,

'Sometimes when a guest checks

'Sometimes all they need

'And sometimes we end up wishing

Discretion.

I don't think

as to how important

What goes on inside Hotel Babylon

Theresa Evan

and that is exactly

I'm not usually

but her husband, he ride the

Yep. Lap dancer. She just sold

Not going to leave them alone.

this woman's out of politics

You're right.

Charlie. Hey!

Legend.

We're all just very pleased to

Hello.

Well, I must say

I've actually missed you lot.

Right, let's get back to business.

Theresa Evan's marriage

It's not our job to speculate,

What I want to know

that Theresa Evan is staying

I will assume that you're all

and not because I'm a suspect.

The press are desperate

She's the most photogenic MP

Not gonna leave

They've been offering

to turn citizen paps.

When ordinary members of

to capture pictures of celebrities.

will do anything for money.

Oh, speaking of which, I saw Sophie

Now, I could have made thousands.

Well, we all know the press

It's our job to prevent that

Anyone you're even remotely

Sorry.

How are you?

Good. I guess I'll be seeing you

How much morphine were you on

I didn't dump her.

No. We called it a day.

I thought we just did.

I'll be with you in one second.

SHE SHRIEKS

That's not Mrs Poldark, is it?

What's happened to your face?

SHE GASPS

Have you had to run away to escape

No, no. Nothing like that.

Oh, you've had a nose job.

Look, um...

in a couple of days

The nose is a surprise.

So all I need is a single room.

Couple of nights. You know,

Don't you worry, Mrs Poldark,

Excuse me.

Have we met?

You got any idea who I am?

A not very good

I have to deliver these

so if you'll just excuse me.

Not so fast, pal.

There you go.

You're making a big mistake,

Yeah, we normally throw

Give me that.

What's all that about?

What you doing?

Are you the bloke who got shot?

No, I'm the manager who can see

Oh. Sorry, boss.

He pass the initiation?

One day you will thank me for this.

SHOUTING

Yeah, he's a good lad.

especially the oligarchs' wives.

Yeah, but he's... you know,

Um... ladies tend to like

Yeah, yeah, if you say so.

Your suite is on the seventh floor,

and can I just say

Thank you, Ben.

Could they turn the gay dial down

Texan men love it

it's like telling them

OK, let's make it five.

CLAMOURING

I have absolutely nothing to say.

Leave me alone!

Isn't that what's-his-name?

You call security,

Where's the Hanging Garden suite?

But I'm afraid it's occupied

Yeah, apparently my wife's in there.

How?

Where did he go?

Keep trying. Get them to meet us

Theresa! Open up!

Come on, this is ridiculous.

Step away from the door, Mr Evan.

You are not a paying guest, and

so, as manager of this hotel,

Look, I just want to talk to her.

Well, then come back

we'll phone her room

What took you?

I just...

Yes, it's him.

Oh, for God's sake.

This is not the way to handle

Why don't we go down to the bar,

Right.

It's OK, Mrs Evan, he's gone now.

Come in, please.

How did he get up here?

I'll tighten security

And if it'll make you feel safer,

Robert isn't a violent man,

He's just a cheat and a liar.

If it's any consolation, I do know

Press are hounding you

Every detail of your private life

Not exactly, but...

Well, I am currently

I am sorry to hear that.

Any advice for the divorce virgin?

Keep busy.

what's already happened

Where do you suggest I go?

I can't step foot outside without

Well, there's plenty to do

We have a health spa,

Yes, I admit

PHONE RINGING

Sorry.

I'm embarrassing the government.

Yes, one minute, please.

just in case you don't

Whatever you need, even if it's just

Thank you, Miss Mitchell.

Hello? Yes, I did get your calls.

Mr Poldark,

Thank you, Charlie.

Well, that's strange. I don't seem

A slight change of plan.

I'm meeting up with my wife

but I needed to come to London

for a medical appointment.

Hair.

And Mrs Poldark, she's unaware

She's staying at her sister's.

Ah! As luck would have it,

Gino. Is that what I think it is?

I was in and out of there

The real one,

Where you gonna hide it?

No, I hang it with pride.

Good morning, Mr Poldark.

What's he doing here?

Like most guests checking into a

I see that stray bullet didn't kill

He can't possibly stay here.

Mrs Poldark doesn't want Mr Poldark

before their anniversary weekend.

Well, Mr Poldark doesn't want

he's had a hair transplant.

What are the chances

Not much, except that Charlie,

put Mr Poldark into the room

Thank you.

Mrs Poldark is a beautiful woman,

there's nothing wrong

Yeah, unless Mr Poldark told her

Oh, yeah, that's right. Blame

So why does Poldark have

For men, it's different.

Different how?

more powerful in the boardroom.

Look, we're going to just have to

Nah, it's too risky.

Plus, there aren't actually

Then, if you want

you're gonna have to bump

I agree. Charlie, could you find

for Mr Poldark, please?

Why should he have to leave?

He's likely to spend more money

She's just undergone

So has he.

We are not moving Mrs Poldark,

Well, how do you like this?

We're gonna need

Not a woman.

I have never been so insulted

Oh, of course you have, Ben.

Remember what that Dutch woman

Look, if you want to get rid

the only way to keep them apart

HE HUFFS

Why was there an oil painting

founding father of The Burlington

Well, they took our bar stool,

An eye for a tooth.

You have no proof that

That's the problem

Always want the proof and evidence.

but why on earth would our rival

Romala.

Romala was a kitchen porter,

but she left to wash dishes

She could wash 400 dishes one hour,

but they lure her away

Well, I'm confused.

and our bar stools?

recently bought out The Hendon.

we have a sort of

So we declare war on The Chesterton.

Only the chain that owns The

so they declared war on us.

You may recall a similar sequence

for World War One.

You guys have clearly got

Rebecca, I suggest that we return

and we call it truce.

They took our bar stools first?

We had to order in new ones.

we're holding on

They started it.

OK, so the pink area is the times

has to be confined to her room,

where Mr Poldark has to be

As long as everybody

their paths should never cross.

Why do women have

Because left to men,

Right, who's allowed out tonight?

She has a table booked

Which means you boys have to

Unless, of course,

BOTH: Piece of cake.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Mrs Evan, how can I help you?

Listen, I was thinking about

and you're right, sitting around

is not going to get me anywhere.

So how about you let me

Well, that's very kind of you,

Theresa. Unless there's

Um... actually, no, there isn't.

'I would love

Great.

Charlie!

I didn't order any.

Some of these films haven't even

Actually, I think I might wander

Of course, there are a few titles

that are not even available

I think you'd better come in.

Your health.

We moved the last of the

You know, two years ago,

to a set of railings

It got two paragraphs on Page 17.

I remember that. You know,

Yeah. Well, now my husband

and suddenly I'm a celebrity.

The press only pick on you because

and you're married to someone else

Yes, well. Not for much longer.

It's definitely over, then?

Two career-focused people

It was similar with Mark and I.

Hear, hear!

Oh, God, I needed that. Same again?

Mm-hm.

Yes, you're right, Charlie. Getting

with a work colleague

Good night, Jackie.

Go on, let me see it.

Why?

I've just always had this thing

you know, stab wounds, broken nose.

cos that's just wrong. Go on,

You're weird.

Thought Rebecca had gone home

To what? A single bed

Stop.

You know, you and I,

when all this fuss is blown over.

I'll even recommend you

Oh, I'd love that.

What?

he say, "These are for the

No way.

I tell you, you are

All right. Thank you, Gino.

Which of us is he smiling at?

Well, you, of course.

He's very attractive.

I'd say he's rich with it.

Who am I kidding?

Why would someone like that

a woman in my situation?

Theresa, why does it always

Why can't it sometimes

You think I should go for it?

Better move.

Maybe I should have a quiet word

Something along the lines of,

"and you're making a complete

A more subtle version of that.

I've never seen her

She probably hasn't been single

and now she's forgotten

So perhaps I should go over there

of my wisdom and point out

Don't be too long.

Then again, you know,

The Texan gentleman at the bar.

Ben checked him in this morning.

OK. It's Mr Barnes

Single or double occupancy?

You wanna know

It's not really for me. It's for...

Your friend. Of course.

Your friend is in luck, Rebecca.

Great.

Is there something on your mind,

No, not at all.

I'm just wondering

the manager behaving like a guest.

Well, at this precise moment

this hotel is your responsibility,

Discretion, Charlie.

See you tomorrow.

No, it's a lovely night.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Scusi, signora.

Good morning.

Where's my statue?

It was stolen some time between

Only one group of people

The Burlington.

Now, maybe if we return

we can get our statue back.

If they want a war,

Are you OK, Rebecca?

It's just you seem a little bit

LEGS KICK UNDER TABLE

Here we go, Mr Barnes.

Sorry to hear that you're flying

but business is business, I suppose.

That's the way it looks.

Right, I am going to The Burlington

I'm in. James?

To be brutally frank,

they didn't steal them both.

tacky statement about

You cowardly English tosspot.

How are we gonna keep

Anything the boys can do,

There you are, sir.

If you just follow me.

Did you get home all right last

And, erm... Sorry about

Everyone's entitled to let

Is he checking out already?

Perhaps your friend Mrs Evan might

Here you go, sir. All set.

OK. Cough up.

My share from the tips.

Yeah, do you know how I know

Just like the Japanese always bow.

I swear on my life,

Barnes? What was his first name?

Cliff Barnes. The oil baron.

I suppose Bobby, Sue Ellen and JR

Ah, yeah!

Someone pretending to be

Shit.

Good morning.

Rebecca, hey, listen,

down there last night.

No, no. It was a good time

So, erm, did everything go well?

We sat up drinking

One thing led to another

and he finally crept back

at five o'clock this morning.

GASPS

Sounds like you did have

Thanks for encouraging me to do it.

No, don't be silly.

It's been a long time

I'll see you later.

Rebecca, I need to talk

I'm not gonna like hearing this,

It's the fake sheik thing

The press love to dress up their

To do what? Sleep with the guests?

Then, I take it

Well, that's her business.

It's classic kiss and tell,

All it takes is a slow news day,

this could be in the tabloids

I mean, well, nothing that doesn't

every single night.

"Jilted MP has night of passion

I'd read it.

Oh!

This is all my fault, isn't it?

You weren't to know

Well, this is my hotel, it's

have let it happen. You weren't

Rebecca, this could reflect

I think it's important to let

and then see which way

I got her into this, it's down to me

Oh!

Miss Henson, I believe.

Have we met?

You and your newspaper outed

a very close personal friend of mine

I do love a good outing. Who was he?

He was formerly

"Queen fires Queen."

I'm awfully sorry to inform you,

but we don't seem to have a

I am a guest of Rebecca Mitchell.

Really?

If you'd like to come this way.

DOOR BLEEPS

DOOR BLEEPS

There seems to be a problem

Mrs Poldark, but we'll have you

What are you two talking about?

Don't see how that's

Let her out.

DOOR BLEEPS

There we go, Mrs Poldark.

Allow me to escort you to the gym.

Jackie.

Erm... You got a second?

You and me, we're OK, aren't we?

Charlie, there is no you and me.

We agreed that wasn't

Mmm. You don't...

You don't find it, like,

Charlie, we're fine.

I just want things to be

Working together.

Yep. Me, too.

Now get out.

Miss Henson. I'm Rebecca Mitchell.

Clock's ticking, love.

Your journalists have been

in one of my guests.

Theresa Evan is a woman

and what should be

She doesn't need to be put

Let's cut the bullshit, shall we?

Did I? You sent in a bogus guest

just so you could sell

You saw them together?

I saw them get into a lift together.

Thanks for that.

Member of the public gave me

but now you've confirmed it,

Let me see, now.

"Heartbroken MP performs rodeo

We've even got the pictures. Hungry?

Luke, laundry deliveries

Not these ones.

I slipped the driver a 20.

Good initiative.

Please, Miss Henson,

woman to woman.

I don't do all that sisterhood crap.

Number two, why isn't

Theresa doesn't know

She doesn't know

All right, we'll play it your way.

What's it gonna take

A weekend stay, fully comped?

We have hotels in Paris, Milan.

I can arrange it,

Get me an even bigger story

and I'll happily bury

Story?

Someone like that doing something

Now, you'd be the first

It really is a professional job.

I feel like a new man.

More energetic, more virile.

More horny.

Well, Mrs Poldark will be here

What if I don't want

I mean, here I am,

a man staying all alone

A man with certain needs,

Mr Poldark, are you asking for

'Are you gonna organise him

Usually I don't have a problem

I mean, a man checks

he's responsible

If he's gonna cross that line,

he's gonna cross it

Yeah, but if Mr Poldark

If nothing else, at least the hooker

OK.

Mrs Poldark. Do you, er,

Hi, there. Ken Norris for Mrs...

Mrs, erm... Theobald?

Poldark. You're from the agency.

Right.

Mrs Poldark is expecting you

and light conversation in room 302.

Whatever you say, babe.

I'd better go to work.

Ooh. Posh one, eh?

OK. Go and do your stuff.

What's that all about?

The boys decided to arrange

..for Mr Poldark.

And I didn't want

We haven't arranged a prostitute

Don't try and deny it.

Hm, eavesdropping. Something

No, it's not true. Not exactly.

Is there a problem, sir?

Actually, I was thinking

Well, then, we'll leave you both

Alone. Very, very alone.

'We figured Mr Poldark was having

and would only regret

And we didn't want to jeopardise

Could you, erm, excuse me for one...

Oh! Oh!

Sorry, I thought

I sent down for a glass of hot milk.

Right, I'll hurry

Bye.

Good night.

Shit.

What's going on?

Luke managed to source uniforms

We're going in undercover. Get

Don't feel bad, James.

When the men go to war, the women

As much as I disagree with

this operation will never succeed

You were in the army?

Catering corps.

Now, let's saddle up, men, and

KNOCK AT DOOR

Tanja, what are you doing in here?

More worryingly, what are you doing

She borrows them to me.

She's sending me to a party

DOOR OPENS

Oh, Charlie. Erm...

Here we go. Here's the camera.

Right, Tanja, go to the bar,

I'll come and find you

Move to England, clean toilets,

They do not believe this back home!

Hope you're not planning

Charlie, I've kept more secrets

than I care to remember.

The actor locked in the wardrobe

The supermodel

The game show host

You name it,

So you'll betray one guest

Well, if it comes down to it, yes.

I promised Theresa a safe haven

So you can disapprove of me

but I'm afraid

If news gets out you're selling

they're gonna avoid this place

Three months from now,

So what would you do

Personally, I'd warn Mrs Evan

about the story they've got

And lose a friend?

If it meant keeping the hotel's

absolutely.

Change of plan.

No party?

Oh, and I will need that dress

Now, I suggest

Team A, this way.

Team B, this way.

Now let's synchronise watches.

WATCHES BEEP

And meet back here in 30 minutes.

Who made you

Come on.

Becca, hi! Come in.

Can this wait?

Look, I know you're gonna blame

and you've got every right to,

but please believe me when I say

PHONE RINGS

The press have got

There's no such thing

No, no. If you want the interview,

Yeah. See you at three o'clock,

I believe you've met Robert.

Glad it's in better circumstances

What's going on?

You didn't really think I'm stupid

did you?

We set the whole thing up ourselves.

We stage the photos

I have to say,

You set this whole thing up?

You never even had an affair

I love my wife.

Mmm. Especially when you can pay

to sell any story you like.

Throw in a couple of saucy texts

and suddenly the whole thing's true.

Then everything you said to me

Well, obviously I couldn't tell you

Look, I needed someone to witness us

just in case the press

And I have to say, you played

Really, thank you.

What do you think

Well, about another week's

a book launch, magazine spread,

our own chat show.

And your careers? Your politics?

No-one cares about politics.

If you're not in the papers,

Which reminds me,

Why, what's happening tomorrow?

REPORTERS CLAMOUR

Please, please.

Robert and I have decided

and to give our marriage another go.

That's all we have to say,

Don't forget to mention the

Now, do you really think they're

Put you in the right bikini,

What do you think, Rebecca?

Just in case?

Look, I've gotta get dressed,

I'll see you in the morning.

Mmm. Can't wait, darling!

Bye-bye.

Listen, we really should

but let me make it up to you.

I'll give you my mobile number.

I really don't get

Ben.

WILD WEST-STYLE MUSIC

WILD WEST-STYLE MUSIC CONTINUES

Charlie, is it me, or are we

Tony, Gino, Ben, James and Luke

I'll phone around, see

You might want to take a look

She ran the story.

It's just what they wanted.

How on Earth did they get a picture

I guess we'll never know,

I need to speak to Maria Henson.

Oh, my God.

Still no word from Tony

Quite pathetic, really,

for the real men

Anna, you know when I was shot

the one person

Really?

Yeah. I had nightmares for weeks.

I'm gonna go and put an end

Take that to The Burlington, mate,

Keep the change.

And, er, give them that, will you?

Oh, God, I don't know

I've been faithful my entire life.

Maybe I just thought a new nose

It doesn't, does it?

I didn't think there was anything

I'm sorry, but if Mr Poldark

I didn't have the surgery

Oh.

I'm going to have to tell him,

Aw.

Look, from my experience,

Sometimes, what they don't know

So, that's you checked out

and checked in to the Olympia Suite

with Mrs Poldark.

Not to my knowledge. I'm sure she's

Thanks, Charlie.

For everything.

I hope that you and Mrs Poldark

Oh, I think we'll just

for a couple of days.

Mrs Poldark!

Your husband is waiting

Oh, good. Good.

Yes. Of course, he can't see you

so I've got an alternative route

If you'd like to follow me.

Hurry up. Move!

Chop, chop, Mrs Poldark!

SHE WHISTLES

Yes! Right, in you get.

You're holding us up there,

Darling! Look at your hair.

Mwah!

It's magnificent.

You look fantastic.

Oh!

Oh, so do you.

Well, I think that we handled

You just had a married guest

whilst her husband was asleep

God, men can be so pedantic.

REPORTERS CLAMOUR

Hello, darling.

You look gorgeous.

Ready?

This way, my darlings.

Do you know, the world

how you two got together!

Hmph. But nothing actually happened?

First rule of tabloid journalism.

People believe

I owe you one.

REPORTERS CLAMOURING

Are you ready?

Let's make headlines!

REPORTERS CLAMOUR

OK, don't panic.

Setback? It's a bloody disaster.

We trust you had a pleasant stay,

Reception are preparing

And on behalf of all the staff here

we wish you both

'Guests staying

'are always a lot more work

'The best two words a hotel can hear

'"Mr and Mrs."

'Married couples are always

'They treat a hotel

'They're courteous, they're quiet,

'and they're always

Little shit!

REPORTERS CLAMOUR

What are you doing? Are you mad?!

'Well, almost always.'

Don't you say a word.

Now, remember what we agreed.

We never ever speak of what happened

Fall out.