Original subtitles

How are you today, Mr Daniels?

Now, there's just a few things

CHARLIE: 'On the whole,

'towards long-term guests.

'It depends why you're staying.

'Perhaps you're addicted

'The precision...

'..and symmetry.

'Or perhaps you just need a place

'even if you should really know

'There is, however,

'hotels can't get enough of.

'That's millionaires,

'who keep an apartment in hotels

'which they visit once or twice

This way, please.

'They pay for use of a room

'on the understanding

'awaiting their whimsical arrival.

'Except, of course, it isn't.

'Because the room is empty,

Sir, there was a flood, which blew

I'm afraid your suite is completely,

MUSIC: 'Call On Me'

'But generally,

'we'll go the extra mile for you.

'We'll cater for your every whim,

'no matter how eccentric

'We'll satisfy your off-menu

'Some long-term guests

'We can really get attached to them.

'They become part

'But there are some things

'even for our favourite guests.

Charlie, I need you to find me

My father is refusing

He wants me to go back to Russia.

The only way I can stay in England

I hope you don't mind me asking,

In Russia,

I can have anything I want,

I want a life of my own.

Maybe you can talk to your father.

Tell him how you feel.

Since Mum died, it's like Dad

so he doesn't say anything at all.

Anyway, it's too late.

He's arriving tomorrow night

You've told him

It was either that or going back

You've got to help me.

All right, Charlie.

What can I do for you?

I'm going to apply for a job

I need some help

"Have you ever been convicted

"If yes, please give details."

What's the best way to handle that?

I don't think a job here

Maybe you're right. I've been

Big demand for limos over there.

Yeah, Ibiza sounds good.

Trouble is, I haven't got

Maybe I'll find it from somewhere,

She asked you to find her a husband?

Obviously I said I can't help her,

Well, it's not totally impossible.

I mean, the registrar we use

Slip him a few quid,

the application

You're talking about

for Vladimir Balanovsky's daughter?

I'm seriously considering it.

Here you go, boys.

Who's she gonna marry?

I'm sure we'll find her someone.

We could hold the ceremony here.

Oh, no.

Just think about it...

Why not?

The hotel would lose

and if Rebecca found out,

Rebecca is not gonna find out.

Anyway, if she wants to stay,

she's gonna have to get married

And the ballroom is booked for the

No, we'll bump the fatties

No-one makes any money out of them

They never eat or drink anything.

That's the whole point, Tone.

Vladimir Balanovsky

Think how much money he's gonna

I don't care how much

We're not having an illegal wedding

If you help me pull this off,

I'll cut you in for a slice

CHARLIE:

'when it comes to holding a wedding.

'And we're more than happy

'But it's not because

'We charge 500 quid an hour

'for a room that would normally

'But it's the scams

Aha! Good to see you. How are you?

'Booze, food, cakes, bands,

'everything you might conceivably

'generate a kickback

Hello.

Oh, nice to see you.

'And then there's corkage.

'We charge ten quid

'And at the end of the night,

'watch out for the creative

One, two, three, four, five,

ten, 15, 20, 30...

90.

It is short notice,

I'll cut you in for three grand.

Four.

Or we can have it somewhere else.

Done.

What time do you call this?

Someone threw themselves

How selfish can you get? Perhaps you

It must be so much easier

Just try and get here on time.

Mr Daniels?

Do you have a moment?

What can I do for you,

I'm afraid we've had complaints

about your behaviour.

And the staff seem to think

Well, why go outside when everything

I don't wish to pry, but I thought

while you sorted things out

Looks like that might not happen.

Well, have you spoken to her

She doesn't wanna talk to me.

Maybe you should try. You can't...

But I'm happy here.

10:46. Swim.

Lovely to talk to you,

We can backdate the paperwork

We'll also help you find a husband.

This really means a lot to me.

We were thinking you could have

I thought it would be a quick

Well, with respect,

is gonna help convince your father

Charlie, what do you think?

If you have it here in the hotel,

If you think it's for the best.

Then I guess I'll have the wedding

OK.

So, that gives us four days

convince your father

and organise the wedding.

Piece of cake.

He thinks he owns that table.

He's disturbing other guests.

But Mr Daniels has been with us

Then it's about time he left.

I didn't say throw him out.

He's paid a month in advance.

BEN: What do you want us to do?

Disrupt his routine.

The longer we leave it,

GUEST: What the hell is going on

Would you explain what's happening?

Ow, what the hell is this?

So, I'm thinking your husband

but also intelligent enough

And he needs to be Russian.

My dad's angry now.

It will be ten times worse

If you want Russian,

This place is like

Too old.

Too...

TOILET GURGLING

Yeah.

Don't worry. That's for the staff.

What do you think?

He's the right age.

Don't you think Rebecca or someone

Would you?

No.

You want me to get married to her?

Well, Natasha needs to get married

If you do it...

I've lined up a doorman's job

No more pan-washing?

No, your pan-washing days

So I'd be grateful if you can offer

any assistance they might need

Any other business?

The Weight Watcher of the Year Award

JAMES: Oh, thank Christ for that.

Why have they cancelled?

Apparently, the woman

she's put all the weight back on.

Thank you, Tony.

The good news is we've managed

Well, that's short notice.

I didn't know she was engaged.

There's some lucky bastard

He's a Russian guy.

Oh, you better not let him catch you

It's called service, Anna.

Whatever it's called,

hosting Vladimir Balanovsky's

will be very good PR for the hotel.

Good work, Charlie.

So, when's Balanovsky himself

Let's pull out all the stops.

Thank you.

You feeling OK?

Why?

Thought you might have

What makes you think that? I'm just

of your sudden loss of sex drive.

Sorry. I've been a bit flat-out.

You know what they say,

Morning, Mr Daniels. I'm afraid

It can't be.

10:46. Swim.

38 lengths, 54 minutes, 954 strokes.

Sorry. Not today.

If we're gonna convince Natasha's

you need to look, think and act

This line-caught sea bass...

Exactly where and when

Good.

Do you have any yak's milk?

If they haven't,

Now, it's obviously essential

The minute you walk into the hotel,

your whole attitude

You're rich, you're successful,

You belong here. OK?

Good.

Let's smarten him up.

COUGHS

Tipping is an art.

Thank you, sir.

It's all very, very... smooth.

Thank you, sir.

Now, you try.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Yeah, I'm not a lap dancer.

Very good.

I'm very sorry, Mr Daniels,

No.

One, two, three olives,

Three olives.

Very sorry, Mr Daniels.

One, two olives.

The rest of your luggage

Some cash for tips

You just believe in yourself,

ENGINE STARTS

Do you think he can pull it off?

Well, I guess we're gonna find out,

Relax.

Maybe you should go over

Oh, yeah.

And that is a beautiful moment.

If we don't get caught.

How are you, sir?

Miss Balanovsky, congratulations.

Thank you.

Rebecca Mitchell,

Have we met before?

Perhaps you've worked at the Nevskij

No, I'm afraid not.

It's an honour you've chosen

Enjoy your stay.

This is gonna work.

I don't know who is responsible

but it's an absolute disgrace.

I'm sorry Mr Daniels, but I really

Well, I'll show you

Bed sheet folded back

Remote control on corner

Breakfast slip

Ah, you've noticed our new turndown

No! No new turndown routine!

Oh, it's hotel policy, I'm afraid.

Bed sheet folded back 75 degrees.

Remote control on pillow.

Remote control on corner

Breakfast slip...

I'm sure you'll get used to it.

Is he gonna be all right?

He won't be when I replace

These Yanks can't get enough of

That limo driver. How do he

Uh... some of the guests use him.

I got the impression

No, not really.

He asked for an application

What did Rebecca want?

Was she asking about Alexis?

Relax. She didn't even mention him.

She was asking

DEREK: Stand by your beds.

Wait.

Good evening, Mr Balanovsky.

Your suites are ready for you.

Could you tell me

I believe she's in the bar, sir,

VLADIMIR: Ah.

Thank you, sir.

Dad.

Dad, this is Alexis.

It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.

Sit.

We've trained him well.

CHARLIE: Oh, God.

Everything all right, Mr Daniels?

You.

Hands off me.

That don't look so good.

Do have a seat, hmm?

What do you know about my daughter's

Not very much, I'm afraid.

Is he a regular at hotel?

Does he have money?

I'm afraid I don't know.

Does my daughter talk to you

A little.

I... I think

Does she love him?

I'd say so.

Well, you make sure that my daughter

has everything she wants

Cost is not problem.

We're gonna make a killing.

Why did he just roll over?

Well, maybe he's different

I don't trust him.

It's all doom and gloom with you,

Look, stop fretting.

Now we just sit back,

I've got this plasma screen in my

With all of the movie channels.

We've got all the sports channels,

Alexis? It's actually...

You shouldn't be down here,

and you certainly shouldn't be

But they're my friends.

Guests socialising with staff,

And they said that you and Tony

from holding the wedding

Never mind about that.

Remember the doorman's job

Mr Mitrovski?

Mr Mitrovski insisted

I see.

I'm just showing him back up

This way.

Ah. Great.

So, you decided to use it

Oh, sorry. Not exactly.

I warned you, Charlie,

What do you think?

Is it a bit over the top?

It's beautiful.

It feels like such a waste.

I'm only going to wear it

Well, it's one of the most

You're married, aren't you?

What was your wedding like?

Small.

We didn't want to make a big fuss.

I'm not really sure.

We just didn't.

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

I'm sorry, Mr Daniels,

but we can't relay

'I'll pay for it!'

LINE GOES DEAD

Sounds like he's in a bad way.

I almost feel sorry for him.

So what are we gonna do?

I'll book an automatic alarm call

every 30 minutes

Gino. How long have those two

Maybe an hour.

They've been hammering Glen Garioch

VLADIMIR: That kind of money

Sleep well?

Did you sleep well?

Can't any of you mind your own

What are you doing?

The guy in 408 has his tie caught

Right.

Um... We think we might have

Mr Daniels never misses

three mushrooms and one tomato

on lightly buttered

No-one's seen him since we changed

He won't let the maids

Oh, can't anyone do anything

Well, I'm glad I don't suffer

We all are.

Mr Daniels?

Are you OK?

I'm exhausted.

I received alarm calls all night.

When I unplugged the phone,

I was so happy here.

What's happened to your hotel?

Your behaviour was disturbing

I wanted you to leave.

I'll behave. I promise.

These things you do,

is that why you can't go home?

Sarah told me if I didn't get help,

So you came to us?

This is about the worst place

But I like it here.

We're paid to indulge you.

No-one's going to force you

Have you spoken to your wife?

I can't. What am I gonna say to her?

Look, I can't tell you what to say,

..you can't spend the rest

hotel room.

It's not gonna solve anything.

SNIFFS

Miss Mitchell?

I'm sorry,

Stop it!

What's wrong?

No, I can't.

I don't mind.

My marriage is over.

It's my fault.

I worked too hard.

And I feel so guilty...

but I love my job.

And I think I love my husband.

And I'm living in the hotel.

And I'm being mental.

And I'm crying in front of a guest.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Oh, sorry.

Well...

..we're a right pair, aren't we?

Can I have a word?

If it's about yesterday,

I'm sorry we haven't had a chance

but I've just been really busy

You really know how to make

That's not what I wanted

What's the problem?

Natasha Balanovsky's fiance

He said if I had a problem with it,

Excuse me, Mr Mitrovski.

I was wondering if we could go over

Maybe later.

It's really quite urgent.

Of course.

Charlie?

I believe my wine's corked.

I'll have that replaced for you

Corked my arse. It's fine.

I'll dangle my balls in it.

Much better.

Thank you, my friend.

I do love a wedding.

Alexis is acting

And I've seen Balanovsky

Well, maybe it was

Yeah, he's also asked Jackie

Well, we did tell him

I'm telling you,

I'm gonna have to warn Natasha.

Careful.

We do need this wedding to go ahead.

REBECCA: I want you

the way Mr Daniels likes it.

Including the carpet.

You're not kidding. I don't get it.

for someone you wanted

How about because there's plenty

who would like to be

Good enough for me.

KNOCK AT DOOR

MAN ON TV: 'Britain and France have

I need to speak to you about Alexis.

I think he's done some kind of deal

Is that right?

Is everything OK?

Natasha. What's wrong?

How much did you get for persuading

Alexis just told me

It's... It's really not what you

I thought we were friends.

I thought you wanted to help me.

But only if you're going

I'm sorry you found out like this

but Alexis is up to something...

He knew that I'd find out

and that's why he's told you

He wants you to stop trusting me.

Then he's succeeded, hasn't he?

Natasha, surely...

Now get out of my room.

And, Charlie...

..take those plates with you.

MOANING

Hey, Charlie.

What do you think you're playing at?

Is this any way to treat a guest?

You're gonna do exactly what we've

And what are you going to do

Are you going to cancel the wedding?

Or maybe I should.

No?

God, I love this place.

What's going on with you

He can afford it.

Hey, come on. Why risk losing

Stay. Have a drink.

The whole wedding's fake?

Now Alexis has completely

I tried to tell Natasha,

And if I do anything

then Alexis is gonna go

Why did you do it?

Are you in trouble?

I am now.

I'm probably gonna lose me job

I don't know what to do.

Well, aren't you gonna do

Put on such an amazing show

that nobody notices

Me and Tony can't do it

So you have time for me

I'm sorry.

If I help you, don't think

for behaving like a tosser.

I knew he wasn't a genuine guest.

See, I can spot a man

Oh, your parents must be

You can take the man

but you can't take the kitchen

I hope this wedding

I got them that wonderful

The wedding is gonna go ahead

We need Mr Balanovsky

thinking that his daughter

Alexis is completely out of control,

and the whole thing is in danger

We need your help.

So, how much are you guys making

More to the point,

The registrar has just arrived.

Have you spoken to him?

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Do it.

Her wedding, your funeral.

STRING QUARTET TUNE UP

Now, you've all got a copy

This will tell you everything

about Natasha, Alexis

Mr Balanovsky is not a big talker,

but if you do speak to him,

If even one of you gets this wrong,

Who are they?

Students

They're eager. And they're cheap.

Good idea.

So this is it, huh, Charlie?

SPEAKS RUSSIAN

Would it kill him to talk to his

NATASHA: Papa.

PACHELBEL'S CANON IN D

I declare that I know

may not be joined in marriage

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

APPLAUSE

MUFFLED YELPS

And I'd like to thank Vladimir

Well, the guy's seriously loaded,

Here's to you... Dad.

And I'd like to thank Charlie...

and Tony, who have made today

Had Mr Mitrovski finished?

He's definitely finished.

Enjoy.

You put everything back.

And now I want you to do something

Of course. Anything.

The longer you leave it

the harder it's going to be.

And we'll have to change the carpet

RING TONE

'Rebecca and Mark aren't in

'Please leave a message after the

BEEP

Mark, it's me.

I know you're angry with me,

But we can't leave things like this.

I need to see you.

Call me.

Please.

Bye.

SONG: 'Sex Bomb'

Hi.

Jackie.

about Miss Balanovsky

I think it's part of some speech.

Where's Charlie?

Rebecca's got a copy of the legend.

I think Jackie's managed

I wouldn't bet on it. Don't look,

Where's Alexis and Natasha?

Right, I'll see you in the lobby.

Oh, Rebecca.

Unfortunately, I have to fly back to

Perhaps you could help me find my

Of course.

They're not in the bar or the

Hello.

ALEXIS: Sweetie, don't do that.

Ben.

# The sweetest song that

# Oh, baby

# Oh, baby, yeah... #

Oh, she marries me,

Women.

If you've so much as touched her,

you're gonna be sorry that you

What are you going to do,

You can't do anything.

I'm a guest, and you're staff.

Whoo! King of the world!

ALEXIS: Take your hands off me!

NATASHA: Charlie, don't!

What the hell is going on?

Natasha, what is this?

See how your staff treat

Charlie, explain yourself.

It's not Charlie's fault.

I barely knew Alexis.

I only married him

Hmm?

You make fool of me,

You! I pay you to look after

This is the way you treat me, huh?

I had no idea this was going on...

You're worse than a bunch of

You liked it when it suits you.

You... You shut your mouth.

Or maybe you shut your mouth.

Or maybe I tell your daughter

to take her back to Russia

SPEAKS RUSSIAN

ALEXIS: So you are all prostitutes.

It's my wedding night, you know,

GRUNTS

Mr Balanovsky, I swear I had no idea

but I assure you

SPEAKS RUSSIAN

I want you to buy this hotel.

Appoint a recruitment company.

We're going to need

All of you,

And you, you go pack.

You're coming back to Russia

THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN

You bribed a registrar,

risked the hotel's wedding licence,

deceived one of our most

and worst of all, you got caught!

Rebecca...

Now I'm gonna have to call

and beg him not to sell out

What am I supposed to say to him?

Well...

Yeah.

I should make sure every hotel

knows how badly you screwed up.

You won't be able to get a job

Now get out.

She's really scary.

Hundred grand for his daughter.

SPEAKS RUSSIAN

You really think this is gonna

If you're stuck in a lift,

How long do you think they'll need?

They've been in there

Well, I guess if they haven't sorted

This is your cut from the suppliers.

Thanks.

Spasiba.

Could you please take

Of course.

And I believe this is yours, sir.

I hope it's not too late

All this talking is thirsty work.

Oh, and tell Miss Mitchell

Who wants a hotel

LAUGHS

You spoke to your wife?

We're gonna give things another try.

I've arranged for a taxi

You're doing the right thing.

And what about you, Miss Mitchell?

I'm working on it.

Gino made you a martini

There's three olives

Goodbye, Mr Daniels.

Goodbye, Miss Mitchell.

And thank you.

Fly, fly away, little bird.

Do gay men get some kind of training

There's nothing to afraid of.

TYRES SCREECH,

Are you sure you're all right?

Thieving bastards!

I'm married to her.

Have you met Paul,

Bears a striking resemblance

You're not married to anyone.

Bastards!

Thank you.

All right, Charlie, what's going on?

Here's the five grand

Nice one, mate.

Looks like I won't be needing

to put in that application form

I'll send you a cheque

I hear you're going back to Russia.

Just for the summer.

Turns out he's actually

Then we're both moving to London.

Well, I'll have your suite ready.

I'll be getting a flat.

I can't spend the rest of my life

It's not real, is it?

Goodbye, Miss Balanovsky.

Goodbye, Mr Edwards.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure that's good enough,

Any word from the hospital

Oh, just a few cuts and bruises.

Mr Balanovsky just settled in cash.

So, maybe you'd like to pop that

CHARLIE: 'We can do many things

'and living in a hotel might seem

'But don't stay too long because

'We can't solve all of your

'That's down to you.'

Mr Henderson?

Hello.

My name's Rebecca Mitchell.

I wanted to talk to you about