Original subtitles

CHARLIE: Imagine yourself living in

Everything shines.

Everything is where it should be.

Well, you can. You've just got to

Because that sort of stuff is

We polish.

We dust.

We garnish.

We stack.

We tuck.

We fold.

In our position, image is

But just as we present an image,

The designer suits, the diamond

It's a two-way thing.

'You make us look good,

'One small piece of advice, though.

I can't tell you how many cheap

I've seen dangling

'Shoes say a lot about a person.

'In some cases, they say

All clear? There's a couple more

I'll round them up.

OK, miss, let's go.

9:30, clocking off time.

With the money you just made

bouncing on a Japanese lap

I beg your pardon?

Let's do this quietly, shall we?

Is there a problem?

Has my wife done something wrong?

Your wife?

'Sometimes, however,

JAMES: 'It's a box

CHARLIE: 'Where did they

I got here at five,

Someone mistake us

Do you want me to dump them?

Maybe someone will come back

Complimentary shoeshine kits.

God, they love it

And who is on Santa's

Guests on third visits, Mr Potter,

Oh, shit!

We are, of course, welcoming

Anna Thornton-Wilton,

to her first team meeting today.

And as most of you have

Charlie has, of course, moved from

Well done, Charlie.

Anything that either of you

about your new positions?

I'd just like to say... I'm looking

each and every one of you

I'm sure you'll find me

and fun to be around.

Sorry, Charlie, was there

Look at this.

Your attention, please. Mr Machin

ALL GROANING

Who's Mr Machin?

WOMAN PANTING

'It's a coward's way out.'

'Actually, you know, in certain

suicide is

Maybe so, James, but in the hotel

quicker than the stench

Do we know why he tried to kill

Something to do with his work.

Oh, the irony.

Comes into town every couple of

pitches his idea to the big

I guess last time,

Well, we can't do anything

but we can ensure

Let's spoil him rotten, shall we?

Charlie, is that something

Absolutely, Rebecca.

Prostitutes. Can we keep a closer

Especially after this morning's

This is not a laughing matter.

Due to a certain person's

I've had to comp

at a cost to us of over £1,000.

She was wearing an evening dress

hanging around the honesty bar

A tattoo of what?

I don't remember. A bird or a heart

I have a tattoo.

REBECCA: Good point, Anna.

Why don't we just ban prostitutes

We could also insist

are in their room

Nine out of ten male guests

If a gentleman is a long way from

then I'm perfectly happy to turn a

I would like the concierge team

to be more watchful

So you'd like me to turn a blind eye

Is that so difficult?

Tony, could I have five minutes,

This tattoo you mentioned.

Have a guess.

Well, if I guess correctly,

I'll tell you what, little man.

If you can guess where it is, and

then I'll let you run your tongue

But you only get one guess.

What's guest relations?

It's the new name

This is the way that all the big

They recently did

50% of the poll didn't know

The other 50% associated

Do you see these golden keys

These are the symbol

the International Association

There is nothing seedy about that.

And what does your little

about mistaking

You know, I have worked in this

and that's the first...

And while we're on the subject,

if you do feel the need

I'd appreciate you doing so

Tony, this has nothing to do

It takes two weeks for these badges

Obviously, I've been planning this.

It would've been nice

I don't want to change the product.

I want to change people's perception

the title will?

Well, if it isn't such a big deal,

I'd be happy if things

Thanks all the same.

Did I mention there will be

in your pay packet?

For the inconvenience.

CHARLIE: The first thing

when you arrive at a hotel

The second thing you should do,

The concierge knows everything.

He knows where to eat, where to

Thanks, Raymond, I owe you.

He can help you jump

They're expecting you at nine.

Take advantage of him.

Express delivery.

He can get you anything from

The right concierge could even save

The antidote, madam.

He knows just the dress, the hat,

Even if you don't know what you

A concierge is like a waiter.

Usually he prefers cash,

but he might be willing

Mr Radley left for business meetings

Since then, Mrs Radley has ordered

three sets of souvenir towels,

and is currently enjoying a

Was Mrs Radley present

I wasn't on shift, but the database

She's a hooker. I suggest we kick

I didn't arrange

That's not to say he didn't pick her

Your job, Tony, is to count the

It's not exactly rocket science.

If she's a regular,

Come in.

Good morning, madam.

And this is my colleague,

from our Guest Relations department.

We just wanted to make sure

that everything was to your

I'm full of champagne

Everything's bloody wonderful,

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your

And is Mr Radley here today?

Why, is there a problem?

Not at all, Mrs Radley.

She's not a regular.

Well, I've already called one guest

I don't intend to make

Don't let this morning's incident

It's not a question

It's a question

That street urchin is running

on Mr Radley's bill.

and wonders what last night's

He let her in.

Mr Radley is a regular, high-paying,

My favourite kind.

If we force him to settle a bill

then he will

She might be a hooker,

Right now, that's all I

I thought a good concierge

He is. But if you remember,

Um, excuse me, Charlie.

I need to check what suites

Look, just because we had sex,

it doesn't mean that I enjoy being

I understand you're a big important

If you want to do a room search,

I'd like you to stand on that side

Yes, Charlie.

I'd like you to upgrade Mr Machin

from a superior room

May I enquire as to why?

Just give him a suite.

There's someone waiting for you.

You wanted to see me, sir?

You can drop the sir crap, Charlie.

What can I do for you?

if you could help me out

Go on.

I'm a working man now,

Well, it's one car and a second-hand

With your help, I might be able

A man in your position,

Maybe you could throw

I'll see what I can do.

DEREK: Morning, Mr Machin.

Mr Machin, how wonderful

I trust you're well, sir?

I'm sorry to hear that.

If you've finished the paperwork,

why don't I show you to up to

We've got something

Isn't that right, Anna?

And that's on the very top floor

Thank you, Anna. This way, sir.

This is one of our most requested

Guests often comment how they find

and life-affirming.

Kind of like having your own pod

Not, however, to be recommended

I could put you

Perhaps I can have a complimentary

Why are you being so nice to me?

The upgrade to the suite,

You're worried that I might

The thought hadn't crossed my mind,

You know, I will take you up on

Right away, sir.

And if you could throw in

I'd be so much happier.

Finally...

Yes, good morning.

in charge of printing

I mean, what is the point of having

if you don't get to show it off?

How did you get a

Well, it's usually the result of two

important families

and neither wanting to surrender

Nothing to do with your parents not

and raising a brood

Special lady coming through.

Hello, Dorrie.

Welcome back, Mr Farrah, welcome

Has it really been a year, Dorrie?

And where is my girlfriend today?

Looking more beautiful

Oh, you're all so kind.

What's with the leather-faced

Dorrie Davies. She was a chambermaid

Mr Farrah was a guest staying in

They met, fell in love and have been

Every anniversary, they come back to

Isn't that the most romantic thing

What a slut.

Charlie, could you take

I'm sure they'd like to rest after

Right away, Rebecca.

Now, you listen to me.

I don't want to be known as Anna

My name is Anna Thornton

Here we are.

your room has been prepared for you.

Whatever she says,

Sheets, not bad.

Used to be able to bounce

Bathroom, Jack.

Nice suit.

Too many soaps and lotions

Didn't have all that muck in my day.

Oh, there's a chalky layer

Oh, we'll have it cleaned again

Don't worry, dear. You bring me a

Are you in a hurry?

Give me a buzz when the Alexandria

Why's that?

Cos I intend to have you in

Maybe we should be a little bit

We are taking a hell of a risk.

This building has 67 rooms on

What dress size are you?

Oh, God, we're not that intimate

Someone dropped a box of women's

round the back this morning.

One minute you treat me like a lady,

Just the man I was hoping to see.

This new receptionist. Where does

Why would you ask me?

And don't even think about denying

Tell me it's just here.

And then, I can't remember if

Not even a tiny rose on her arse?

Right, well, I'll see you later.

I've got to go and check

If you remember anything...

What's this? Charlie used to screw

Typically, I'm a breast man,

I make an exception.

So how is our suicidal musician?

Mr Machin's got some guests

People from the advertising agency.

and he's asked for refreshments,

cakes etc to be made available.

So long as he doesn't leave

he can have all the food, coffee,

So that's keep him alive,

No matter what.

Some of the staff wanted to arrange

Seeing as though

Nothing too surprising, I trust.

Well, Derek pointed out that Mrs

So we thought maybe

sing a few songs

Charlie, I know everybody's

but our restaurant has two

I don't think the other diners are

by some tacky tribute act.

So that's a no, then?

What should I tell the staff?

You're the deputy manager.

What do you think about Ken Green?

Concierge at The Burlington?

But...

You don't think Tony's

Can I help you, Mrs Radley?

Yeah, I need you to do something

Can you get a car and pick up

and bring them over?

Have you been married long,

Three months.

I was one of the dancers, did ballet

He was recuperating from a

It's the stuff

You're married yourself. You should

Well, in my case it was more

Bit of a pig, is she?

But a decent personality?

Not to her face, you wouldn't.

I ain't stupid, by the way.

I know what you're all thinking.

The attitude.

What's a 50-year-old millionaire

doing with a common little tart

You think I don't belong here.

Everybody belongs here, madam.

I'm just surprised that Mr Radley

and left his charming young wife

You've got a good line of chat,

Or is that just part of

I shall arrange transport

Cheers, darling.

Everything all right?

David.

Get a car to pick up from those

Bill it to the Pyramid suite.

Dave.

Three cases need picking up

Right. Just Tony's asked me...

You just get the cases.

Collect from these addresses. Nice

Mr and Mrs O'Neill, how was dinner

If you must know, it was the worst

The food was tasteless, the service

and the price was extortionate.

I don't know what they're paying you

but it isn't worth it.

How do you explain this?

I can't, madam.

This is the complaints department,

No, madam, this is

Your sign says

Doesn't that mean complaints?

If you could be bothered

before you put them on the bed,

Who the hell do

I think this conversation

You called for me, sir?

One, two, three, four.

I couldn't possibly. People from the

in ten minutes' time.

I shall be extremely depressed.

Everybody's disillusioned

Yeah, well, this time it's

Well, what made you want to become a

The suit.

Seriously?

I used to think that anyone

had to be important in some way.

Plus there was nothing else I could

Failed at running a club.

Somehow this came easily

Yeah, but at what price?

You mustn't get any time to spend

Do you know how much you need

And with the rate I'm putting money

I only need to be doing this job

That's why making money

Because it reminds me

# PMT is no problem for me

# My towels are fresh and discreet

# I get on with my life

# No trouble, no strife

# I am a CareFresh housewife. #

Well, that seemed to go down

They said they enjoyed themselves.

It's their bloody job to lie.

They complimented the cakes.

Oh, well, as long as the bloody

I'm a classically-trained musician.

I can't even sell a bloody jingle!

Maybe I'll order up another pot

I don't want any more coffee!

There's always tomorrow, Mr Machin.

If you'll forgive me, sir, I...

£5 already?

It lets the guests know that tipping

Do I get to keep it?

Wonderful.

GIGGLING

I assume you're aware

breezed through our lobby

They're friends of Mrs Radley's,

I hope you're right about this,

Dave.

Why did you book that driver

I didn't. Charlie did.

Why are you booking cars for guests?

Or at least it was

Well, she hasn't changed it,

You already knew about this,

She mentioned it

And in your list of priorities,

deputy manager comes higher

No.

The car thing, it's really no big

The driver you chose

I don't know him, and I don't trust

not to mention

And you wanted him warned off.

I changed my mind about him. Well,

So either you're stealing from me

Go on.

No. You set it up Charlie,

Six more bottles of Krug, hair and

Current room service bill, £1,750.

If you want me to go up there

I will happily do it.

I once had this thing with a

in the 2002

I know some moves.

Find all the details we have

Phone calls he made,

OK, right away.

PLAYING DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC

Here we are.

An English Highball

Extra shot of vermouth?

Could I ask the gentleman to assist

Well, if you insist.

Thank you, Gino.

Now, how's that husband of yours

Mark, isn't it?

Every year I secretly hope to see

Maybe next year, Dorrie.

This used to be the dance area,

We had some of the old photos

A reminder of

They're hanging on the second floor

The band used to be set up

Not that I was allowed to see

We were not supposed to come into

Chambermaids were instructed not

or make eye contact

That's why I enjoy coming back here

Not to see the bedrooms,

but to appreciate the side

that we weren't allowed

Where is he?

People do not like to eat

I must confess,

Tell me you've not said anything

Any news from Mr Machin?

Machin... Machin.

Hanging Garden suite.

Oh, yes, he phoned

Did he sound all right?

Asked for some razor blades,

Joking.

Can you call his room for me,

Do you get a kick out of bossing

Please. Will you call his room

He's dead. I know he is.

PHONE RINGING

Oh!

Right. That's it.

A friend of mine slit her own wrist

What? I'm just saying that you might

Probably hasn't even

Oh, nice to see you girls.

Kisses, kisses, kisses.

Cheers, girls. I'll see you later in

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Mr Machin?

Sir?

SIREN WAILING

What the hell is going on?!

I thought you were trying to...

I did try phoning, sir,

Given your state of mind, of course,

After that waiter kicked me out,

I came up here and I did

And I did... I did think

Actually, I had the belt

And then this melody came to me.

What do I care what it takes

I'm a musician. I write songs

So from here on in,

Well, that's wonderful news.

Charlie, wait. I need your help

Sorry, sir,

Don't make me unhappy, Charlie.

Anything I can help you

Yes. What does "guest relations"

Erm, you know,

Gordon Hartley was the best

Good looking bugger,

He was the eyes and ears

And there was rationing on

Well, there's still a very vibrant

Took a real pride in his job.

Used to have terrible rows

People didn't like him much. Thought

Not that he cared.

Anyway, one day, he just didn't

Rumour had it he'd made himself

Maybe he didn't need the money

That's a nice way of looking

Me? I think he's in the bottom

Now, then, come along, my love.

Oh, you stink of cigar smoke, Jack!

Enjoy your meal.

We just turned down the bed

And? And no female clothes,

I knew it! Right, she's out of here.

But that doesn't mean

Glad I caught you.

The database told me he

to an antiques auction.

So I figured he must work

I called some of the main dealers

They also told me about this big

that's going on today.

Long story short, he left the

in a taxi five minutes ago.

Rebecca's just gone to kick

Well, she's the boss,

Are you still convinced

I think the young lady

Well, get up there and stop her.

I've already been wrong once before.

Because it's your job

New Bond Street.

Is she still in his room?

and a milkshake

Typical hooker food.

Can I just say, Rebecca, you have

Thank you.

The Pyramid suite?

I'll take it from here.

Good evening, Mr Radley.

Just leave it out there,

Oh. I thought you'd gone.

You've had your fun and games.

You've lived out your Pretty Woman

Now get dressed and hit the street.

You're making a big mistake.

We can do this the easy way

It's your choice.

Miss, I've seen enough of your sort

If you've got a name to call me,

I'll be interested to hear that.

Ah. Mr Radley, I'm afraid there's

I missed you today.

So, what's all this about?

You're Mrs...

Like what I told you

Would somebody please care

I believe there's been

in your absence today, sir, but I'm

This is Tony Casemore, our...

Are you a fan of the ballet, sir?

But I believe you wife is.

That's right. Well, I took the

two seats for tonight's performance

It's the story of a farmer's

Set to dance, obviously.

Very amusing, by all accounts.

Oh, can we go? Please. The lady

I'm sure that she would appreciate

But you haven't anything to wear.

Your luggage is still

I believe I may be able

I owe you an apology.

Actually, Rebecca, you owe it to the

God, what a night. I only dropped

but there was this guy there.

City job, 200K a year,

We had dinner at Seven Over Eight.

but I didn't complain because he was

Never accuse me

And then, I don't know why or who

but we ended up at Studio 33.

Now, I'm not a snob, but they were

In fact, you weren't there last

By this point, Bruce is just

And I know, he's

But anyway, I get in a cab and we go

and it turns out his flat is, like,

all the way back at Samantha's.

It's not the only thing

as I find out.

He crashes out, and I sit up

and scrolling

which, I swear, is three

with country and western music.

I mean, how weird is that?

So anyway, what did you do

Put my son to bed, read a magazine,

You are so lucky. I crave to do

Always keep a fresh set in the

Nice tattoo.

Oh, thanks.

I understand you're looking for

Morning, love.

I could do with some help on a room

It's 7:30 in the morning.

Well, I'm an early riser.

Room 408 is showing vacant

and inspected on the list.

I recognise this stuff.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Come in.

Bit early for the meeting,

There's a bit of a problem

My husband's away on business.

I don't like staying alone in the

Might I suggest that we update

to show that the room

Might save confusion for reception

Thank you, Charlie.

Could you...

I've got enough material

Book the studio and we'll start

Good morning, Mr Machin.

Good work, Charlie.

Would you excuse me for a second,

Out.

All I'm trying to do is make a

Surely you can

And I've tried to help you,

You know what, Charlie, ever since

I've been wondering something.

How do you end up with a responsible

after spending time inside?

Me?

You must have a very, very

Maybe I should see

Can you believe this?

CHUCKLING

Is a triple-barrelled name

Yes, idiot in charge

Yes, little man, what do you want?

I would like a little taste

..at the top

Gino has taken Mr Farrah and

I should've let you book Doris Day.

I don't think it would've made

I've arranged for the service lift

and the undertakers to park

That way we can take the body out

with the minimum fuss

She's going out through

Mrs Farrah was a guest.

She will go down in the guest lift,

and she will leave

Of course.

Right. Back to work, people.

I want those flowers changed.

I want smiling faces. I want

And will someone turn these

CHARLIE: In the hotel trade

professional image at all times.

We realise that a dirty glass,

a cold meal or a short and curly

And I'd be lying if I say

Some days we can't polish, dust,

tuck or fold our way

You just have to accept us

Morning, Graham.

And when the chips are down,

every hotel should rely

Excuse me, where can I get a coffee?

Oh, yes. Just go through there.

What's this? That's me admitting

It's rare, so make the most of it.

That is what you wanted all along,

Well, it depends. Do I get to keep

Yes, Tony. You do.

Your bill, sir. If you'd like to

How did you manage to spend

I was bored.

Well, as you enjoyed the service,

I don't think any of them

So I'll spend it on myself.

The airport just delivered

and they

Here you go, spotty.

Hang on a minute, babe.

Did you enjoy the ballet, madam?

Didn't understand what they were up

He don't take me out much.

Embarrassed of what people

Here you are.

Madam?

That's how it works in these places,

I'm still learning.

Thank you.

You do know I only married him

When his dodgy little heart

I'm coming back to see you.

Cheers, Gordon.