Original subtitles

Good morning, Patrol.

Good morning, Skipper.

Who's excited to be doing some archery this morning?

Yeah.

Great. Now, I'm not going to be teaching you myself.

Archery's very dangerous and should only be taught

by a qualified professional.

Yes. Yep. Good idea.

It is definitely dangerous.

So I'll leave you in Andi's capable hands.

Thanks, Alexander.

Now, for the first part of the morning,

we will walk you through the dos and don'ts of archery.

All right, then, everybody...

It's lovely to see.

I'm sure Pat would have been very happy to know the troop

were doing their trips here again.

Yeah. Good old Skip.

I'm actually putting something together for the website,

a memorial page.

It's important to preserve the history of the troop.

Yeah, he'll love that.

I mean, because it is fitting - the history.

Well, his widow gave us his old photo albums,

even a few VHS recordings.

Oh, my God. Wow.

Well, I need to find a way to see what's on them.

Who has a VHS player these days?

We do.

I'm sure we could digitise them for you, no problem. Just...

Just send them over. They're on the bus. Yes!

You sure it's no problem? Oh, sure I'm sure.

Yeah, that would be fascinating.

Did you know him?

I feel like I do.

Just, you know, just because of the connection with the house

and having met Carol and Dailey and Pat Junior, so...

IN THE DISTANCE: Don't you point that thing at me, lad!

Yeah. It's ingenious.

Perfect for field rations.

You have to go away on Christmas Day?

Just for the day. We'll be back in the evening.

Right. So all this we can reheat.

That's on a timer, so it could come out of the oven before we go.

It's... It's a lot.

I mean, did you need to do all of this?

Just a couple of sides.

Mike, that's a turkey!

It's a whole Christmas dinner.

You're doing what your dad did to us.

Well, to be fair to him, I mean, we ate it all. Yeah, true.

ADVERT: Join Cinderella, Buttons and the whole gang

for an evening of family fun at the Corn Exchange.

Ooh, that sounds fun!

It does! Mm. You're joking?

No. I love panto.

How did I not know that about you?

I always used to go with my mum.

We could take Nancy. You can go.

But, I mean this in the nicest possible way,

I'd rather watch my own funeral.

Oh, I watched my own funeral.

Well, the wake. It was quite nice, actually.

People have to be kind about you.

I'm rather glad I missed mine, under the circumstances.

Awks, as they say.

Yeah. I'm going to get the presents for the car.

No, it's interesting...

Now, when do you intend to restore this room?

It is Christmas Day tomorrow.

And I don't want to be reminded

of the Absolute Tools Regional Christmas Award party.

Honestly, some of the most ghastly people I've ever been stuck with.

And that's saying something.

Well, you could have gone to your room.

Well, I did, but so did two of them.

Well, you could have left your room. Well, why should I?

I was there first.

There isn't enough room for my dancing.

Can't you just dance through the tables?

Yes, but then I can't see my feet.

I can't clear it now!

We're going to Mike's parents at the crack of dawn,

and there's still so much to prepare, including the gift room.

Quoi?

So nobody go into the library until after we've gone tomorrow,

and you'll each have a gift to enjoy on Christmas Day.

Flaming gosh. Wow!

You really are the kindest, most beautiful...

I know, I know, I know. Ah, Julian!

No peeking.

You'll only ruin it for yourself.

I wasn't going to. I was just going to the toilet.

You guys go to the toilet?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Still get the urge.

It just turns to dust.

OK.

Pat, can you keep an eye on him, please?

Oh, absolutely. You can trust in me.

OK, thanks.

Oh, she really is the kindest, most beautiful soul.

Yes, you've said that.

It's a lovely gesture. The gift room.

If only we could give her something in return.

Well, we're dead, which rather limits our options.

We could perform something.

A sonnet? Or a pantomime? Yes. Or a sonnet.

Well, she said she wanted to see a pantomime.

Did she? Yes. That's great!

I love a panto, me.

And look, we've got a stage and lights.

It's perfect. Yes, yes, yes!

Mike... Mm.

I thought I'd bring this for everyone to play tomorrow.

You know it's my family we're talking about, right?

Well... I'll bring it anyway.

I mean, they won't play, but if you want.

They might. They won't. They might.

Night-night. Night.

ALARM SOUNDS

Where are you going? Got to take the turkey out.

Your parents are making lunch.

Why do you have to...? It's just a couple of sides.

So I'm Buttons,

Thomas is Prince Charming.

Naturally. Dandini.

Oh, thank you very much.

Julian, you'll be playing Baron Hardup.

Bit of a stretch, but OK.

With Lady B as the evil stepmother.

Less of a stretch. Ooh!

And Kitty, of course, will be our leading lady,

Cinderella herself.

Oh! Thank you for the opportunity.

I won't let you down.

All depending on you. Yes.

The captain has kindly volunteered to stage manage.

Keep us all on track.

Good evening. And, finally, we need an...

IN A MUMBLED VOICE: ..Ugly Sister.

Oh... Ha-ha.

OK, good. What about the Fairy Godmother?

Oh, er, well...

Um, Fanny,

would you mind doubling up?

Oh, well, I suppose so, if I must.

Remember, it's not for us,

it's for Alison.

Yes! All right, all right. Settle down.

Early nights all around, please.

We only have one day for rehearsal.

You will need to be well rested.

Tomorrow morning at 07:00,

Thomas will lead us in a vocal warm up.

At 07:30 sharp...

Got you.

I wasn't going to do anything. Just having a look.

I promised Alison I wouldn't let anyone in here

until Christmas morning.

It is the morning. You know what I mean!

Tell you what, though,

she's put some effort into this.

Hey?

Look!

She's got something for everyone.

She certainly has.

Come on. You can look all you like tomorrow morning.

Ooh. Hey, look, there's yours.

Aren't you curious?

I'll see it in the morning.

Must be a film of some kind.

Maybe it's football. Or a bluey. It's not a bluey.

Might be a bluey. Not a bluey.

It'll be something very thoughtful, knowing Alison.

Well, let's find out, shall we?

No.

Come on.

A sneaky peek can't hurt, can it?

Be a bluey. Be a bluey.

Be a bluey. Ooh.

Hello. There he is.

Anson, merry Christmas.

Oh, just the one.

Let me just get this on camera.

You get this on camera. Ooh! Hello.

Don't you point thing at me!

What have I got under the Christmas tree?

Oh. Yeah. Say good night.

There they are.

My goodness!

You've been a good boy this year. Look at all this!

Yeah. Hey, what's that? I bet it's socks.

Is it socks?

Nah. Yes.

That old gag!

Yeah. Who's this up here?

Mr Spielberg.

Give us a wave.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Oh, there's...

Hey, what are you doing with that, John? Put that down.

Brian, he's after your Blue Nun, isn't he?

Right, has everyone got their hats on?

You've got to put your hats on.

You know, lovely.

You're like a wise man. Right.

Merry Christmas and goodwill to all men.

Merry Christmas, Brian.

Can I get down and play with the car?

You've had forever to play with your car.

Right. Here we go.

Sit back. This pudding is highly flammable,

and we don't want to be spending

Boxing Day in Accident and Emergency.

OK, here we go.

Oh!

Can you turn it off?

What?

Turn it off, please.

I don't want to watch any more.

Eat it before it's cold. All right, we're going to eat.

I can't wait to see my present.

Oh, I hope you like it. I hope you all do, actually.

Julian, I think you're really going to like yours.

I'm sure I will.

I think you all will, actually, if I do say so myself.

A gift shouldn't flatter the giver, Alison. All right.

Pat, I can't wait to talk to you about yours.

Oh, great. Lovely.

Thank you. We have got something for you.

Really? Oh, yes, we have.

For when you return this evening.

Oh, that's so nice.

They got me something... Which will be... Um, 8.

Marvellous. Excellent.

OK. Mm. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. All right.

All right. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

ALL: Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

All right. You heard her, 8 o'clock.

We have 13 hours to get this thing together.

Go on. What about the presents?

No, no, no. No time for that. We'll have to do it later. Come on.

Do we really have to do this all day?

If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing properly.

40 feral ferrets frolicking in France.

40 feral ferrets frolicking in France.

40 feral ferrets frolicking in France.

Ooh. Ooh.

Thank you, Thomas. Lovely vocal warm up.

Yeah. It really help me make speak good.

Right. Let's crack on.

Now go and fetch some wood for the fire,

you lazy, good-for-nothing little brat.

Very good.

Now, exit Cinderella,

and enter Baron Hardup,

who says I've looked high and low

and I can't find my dear daughter.

I...

He's forgotten already. Boo!

And we're going to go to the ball and Prince going to kiss me

and touch my bum.

No, not your bum, Robin.

He might touch my bum.

I shall never go to the ball and meet the prince.

Cue Fanny.

Nonsense. You're quite wrong about that.

No, Fanny. You're the Fairy Godmother now.

Yes.

So maybe try something a little different

to the stepmother character, you know, something more caring.

OK, let's try again.

I shall never go to the ball and meet the Prince.

Cue Fanny.

Stop crying and listen to me.

Well, it's not working, is it?

Well, that's what you told me to do.

All right, everyone, just shush it.

If you put as much into your roles as you did your chatter,

we'd be done by now.

Just take a leaf out of Kitty's book. I won't let you down!

If a job's worth doing...

ALL: It's worth doing properly.

I see.

So I'm just a joke to you now, am I?

Huh? Huh?

Well, fine, I quit.

No, I quit.

Good luck. Patrick.

Who put his knickers in a twix?

♪ This Christmas... ♪

Is that... My mum? Yeah.

You called her before we left. She's excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited.

I can't wait to see Nancy's face when she opens her pre...

Oh. What? CAR HORNS BLARE

What's going on? There's never traffic on Christmas Day.

Maybe it'll clear up quickly.

No, I think it'll be ages. There's been an accident.

Oh! And they died.

You can see their ghost, can't you?

Is it bad? No, don't tell me.

Oh, are they right here?

Hello.

Happy Christmas.

Sorry for your...

No, Mike, there's just... There's a sign there, "Accident ahead."

Oh. Thank God for that.

Oh! Yeah, I'll call Mum.

I shall be going with my lovely daughters.

But I'm afraid you didn't get an invitation.

Oh. Are you sure?

Again. Everything you dreamed of...

..crushed.

Oh. Are you sure?

Quite sure. Now come along, daughters.

We've only three hours to get ready.

Well, her make-up won't take long.

Because she hasn't got a head!

Hush your japery!

Dandy man, we're meant to be funny.

There is nothing funny about

this tale of bullying, servitude,

heartbreak and woe.

That's not really the direction that Pat was going in.

Well, Patrick isn't here, is he, sir?

And you would do well to spend more time learning your lines

and less time criticising my vision.

Yeah, I'm taking a break.

Fine. We'll work on the Prince Charming soliloquy.

Oughtn't we look at the choreography for the ball?

I have a few suggestions.

Later. We'll get to the frippery in good time.

Now, clear the stage.

Yeah. No, I mean, it's literally not moving.

Engine's off, Mum.

Yep.

Yeah, all right, I'll keep you posted.

All right. Yeah. Merry Christmas. Love to everyone. Bye.

Gutted.

It'll start moving soon. Mm.

You hungry? Little bit.

Olive? Mm.

There you are!

Come. We need you.

I'm sorry, Robin,

I don't think I can.

Well, then. That's going to be the most depressing show on Earth.

What do you mean?

Thomas taken over.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

You can guess what that like!

He say, "It needs more pain!"

Honestly, he's probably got Cinderella drowning herself

and the Prince dying of a broken heart.

Pretty much.

So you're going to come back?

I don't know, mate.

I feel like the scales have fallen from my eyes.

Nobody takes me seriously.

My own family used to laugh at me.

Just like you lot.

But you just laugh at Thomas.

I suppose.

I suppose I did. Why you make me Ugly Sister?

Oh, well, you know, because...

Because it's funny.

I got a face like a horse's bum.

Everybody laugh.

Don't mean they don't like me.

No, no.

So what do you say?

Sprouts? Yeah, a couple.

I reckon that's it now.

I mean, even if we start moving,

we won't get there till late - till after dinner.

Not till Nancy's gone to bed.

Let's get up really early and go tomorrow.

Yeah? Yeah.

Good thing somebody made all these sides!

Pull my cracker.

We need to find the foot that fits the slipper.

Ah, the slipper!

Empty as my soul if I cannot have her body and mind.

Hey, guys, look who's back!

Oh! Ah. Excellent! We've got a director, thank you.

Oh, this whole production is a mess.

I'm really not sure we can pull it together in time.

Nonsense. If we knuckle down, we can do anything.

And if a job's worth doing...

It's worth doing properly.

Ha-ha! You cheeky...

Right, let's get to work.

Cinderella, Stepmum,

Hardup and Sisters to the stage, please.

Right.

Not going to vote on it, then?

No. Fine.

So I'm a boy? No, you're not like a boy.

Well, yeah. Like a teenager?

Well, you could be like 90, for all I know, actually.

Who is this person?

Well... Not a person. An animal?

Um...

Oh, the traffic's moving. Yes, take these. Yeah.

HORN BLASTS

Yes. I'm going. All right.

On one hand, my darling daughter.

On the other, my beloved wife.

Line.

Whatever am I...

Whatever am I to do, Buttons?

If I...

Line. If I cannot...

If I cannot...

Line.

We've got to sort this out.

You see what I was working with.

Memory like a sieve.

You surprise me, Julian.

I mean, didn't you used to make speeches in the House of Commons?

Yes. What's your point?

Did you not learn those?

Not really. Pretty much bluffed my way through the...

Oh, hang on a minute.

Oh, car. Car!

Good Lord. They're back early.

We're not ready. I don't even know the dance moves.

Guys, it's OK.

We can do this.

Alison's not going to mind if the odd cue's a bit late

or we're a bit rough around the edges.

That's what panto's all about.

And if there's one thing I know

it's that we can all depend on a charming and flawless performance

from our leading lady, Kitty.

Hear, hear. Well, quite.

Absolutely. Yes, completely wonderful.

That was actually really fun.

You know what?

You're right.

It's nice to have you to myself for a change.

Bing-bong. Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.

Tonight's performance of Cinderella will be starting in five minutes.

Thank you. In the ballroom.

Right? I'm so sorry, the Captain talked over all of that,

but they're doing a panto upstairs.

Do you want to come? Told you, I hate panto.

You won't actually see or hear this one.

All right, I'll get the drinks. Yeah.

And I told Mum I'd let her know when we got back safe,

so I'll just phone home. I'm ET!

Heyyy!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your two-minute call.

Your two-minute call.

You mean like a proper show?

Yeah, I think so.

Shall we go here? Yeah.

Not much of a house.

Ooh! I wish you could see this.

It's a shame not to have more.

It won't be the right atmosphere for Alison,

especially the interactive bits.

No-one else can see us, can they? Apart from...

Look at those seats! Lovely seats.

Anyone famous in it? Tumblers, is it?

Jugglers?

That's a bit more atmosphere.

Beginners to the stage, please. Beginners to the stage.

Thank you.

Oh, I can't do it.

What? I can't go on.

It's just a bit of stage fright. It's normal.

I can't. I won't. I can't.

Oh! Bloody Nora.

What are we going to do?

Now, then. What's all this about?

Alison has seen Mel B in panto.

I can't live up to that.

I'm not an actress, I'm just a girl.

Once upon a time, Kitty,

Mel B was just a girl,

before she became a Spice Girl.

When you take to that stage,

you won't be just a girl,

you'll be Cinderella.

And Alison is going to love you.

Now, stand up.

Shine like a star.

I think we should recast the Fairy Godmother.

Hello, everybody.

Hello.

I said, hello, everybody.

ALL: Hello.

That's better.

My name's Buttons and I work here in Hardup House.

I've been scrubbing and washing and cleaning and toiling,

but there always seems to be more to do.

Story of my life!

Well, she's a lazy so-and-so, isn't she?

No. Boo! Sssss.

Oh, yes, she is.

Oh, no, she isn't.

Oh, yes, she is.

Oh, no, she isn't.

Oh, yes, she is.

She's not!

You're horrible to her!

I hate those Ugly Sisters.

Hello, dear wife. What is it, husband?

Have you finally found a couple of rich suitors

for Robinella and Humphrietta?

Well, I...

Um...

I have every confidence that I can deliver on this promise.

Suitors will be found.

As a father, and head of the household, I say this to you...

CINDERELLA SOBS

Oh, no!

Now, now.

Dry your eyes, Cinderella.

Who are you?

I am your Fairy Godmother.

Down, down, down, down.

And a touch of magic fairy dust... Spling!

There. You shall go to the ball.

ALL: Hooray! Yes.

She's going to go? She's going to go?

She's going to go.

Bong. Bong. Bong.

I must leave. What, so soon?

Yes. I'm sorry.

Farewell. But your name?

I didn't get your name!

Shoe! Shoe!

Shoe! Shoe.

I have her shoe.

Yeah. Dandini?

Yes, sire. We must find the foot that fits...

Kitty...

..that fits this shoe.

For that is the foot of my future bride.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

Nice. Really nice.

Yeah, it totally fits!

No. It doesn't fit.

No! It doesn't fit. You're joking!

Jog on, hairy bum.

Hairy bum!

It fits. My love!

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ And a happy New Year

♪ Good tidings we bring

♪ To you and your kin

♪ We wish you a merry Christmas

♪ And a happy new year. ♪

Lovely.

That was a-mazing.

Well done, guys.

Genuinely, that was the best panto I've ever been to.

Well, Michael, that's very nice of you to say.

And, hang on... Kitty, you were just incredible.

Have you ever acted before? No.

But next year, I intend to give my Dick Whittington

a more active protagonist.

I think it's a role with more nuance.

OK. Guys, what did you think of your presents?

Goodness me, the presents.

Ooh, they're so big!

You can almost touch it.

Oh, you can't touch it.

Still good.

That's marvellous.

And it says it only takes nine hours.

Well, apparently, I've adopted a tiger named Apollo,

and he's going to write to me once a month! Good gracious.

MUSIC PLAYS

You can help me rehearse my lines and give me notes.

Oh, my gosh. No way.

I wasn't expecting this!

Do you want to press play for you, Pat?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Whoo! Ah, wonderful.

Oh, hang on. It's not at the beginning.

Just close your eyes. I'm going to...

I'm sorry, Alison. I must confess.

Last night, I caught Julian having a sneaky peek

at his gift, and... Pat!

Well, please forgive me, but the temptation was too much,

and I watched it.

It's funny.

It's not how I remembered things,

but it was lovely seeing that Christmas again.

What about the other Christmases?

There weren't any others - that were my last Christmas, Alison.

Just...

Can I have some ice cream?

Nonsense. You've got to have a bit of Christmas pud, lad.

Have it with your pud. Have some with your pud.

Let's blow this out. Moves over, doesn't it?

Yeah! Look at this rabbit food.

Hey, Mum, it's working.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, no, not that old thing.

Ey! You're just like your father!

Here you are, love, merry Christmas.

Here you are.

Right, everyone, can you all put your crown on?

Yeah. Hang on.

Merry Christmas and goodwill to all men.

Now, sit back, everyone.

This pudding is highly flammable.

We don't want to spend...

ALL: Boxing Day in Accident and Emergency.

Sensible lad, there, Patrick.

Yeah.

Whoa!

Thank you, Alison.

Oh, you showing Pat now?

Does he like it?

Yeah, he loves it.

Thank you.

His family seem really nice.

Ooh!

The best.

Right. Who would like to have a game of Risk?

Takes ages.

Or we could play charades.

I'd be up for twist it.

Twist it?