All language subtitles for SLK Teetotaler (2023)

[intro beats playing]

[man in English] Ladies and gentlemen,

make some noise for SLK!

[crowd cheering]

[in Yoruba] Such a great child.

[crowd in English] You are not a bastard!

- [in English] Look at you.
- [crowd laughing]

You can have your seats.
Thank you very much.

- [crowd claps]
- Wow.

It's Teetotaler, baby.

- [crowd cheering]
- How are you all doing?

We're right here, man.

[deep sigh]

It's been a long time.
It's been a while, right?

I did this 2018.

Last... That was TGIF, yeah?

But we were actually ready.

We were ready for Teetotaler since 2020,

[laughs] but... but about 2020...

2020 was a very scary year
for most of us, wasn't it?

- It was, right?
- [crowd] Yes.

[chuckles] You know that the lockdown
was, first of all, sweet.

[crowd laughing]

The first week...
Especially if you [chuckles] lived alone.

If you were alone,
yeah, lockdown was sweet.

People were watching Netflix.

I have a guy,

he watched Netflix to the extent
that he started developing an accent.

[crowd laughing]

I'll just call him, "How far are you?"

"Yo, man, you know how it is."
Guy, you never travel.

[crowd laughs]

[laughs] Have you ever watched Netflix?

I watched Netflix a lot. I bastardized it.

I watched Netflix to the extent that

Netflix started
sending me job opportunities.

[crowd laughing]

Like, "Mr. Salako,
are you aware that Dano is recruiting?"

[laughing]

[exclaims] No, but... but that period was...

Well, it was the first time
I was hearing about...

things like a nose mask.

I thought it was only for doctors.

But trust Nigerians to take things
to the next level.

The nose mask we knew...

Is it not just like the blue one?
That one... [chuckles]

So, we were using it for like two weeks.

The Nigerians were now looking,

-"This blue does not go with my..."
- [crowd laughs]

So, some very intelligent people now

thought it was a good idea

[laughs] to, you know,

bring the black.

[beatboxing noises]

Just wear the black.
This one goes with everything.

We use that one again for two weeks.

The Nigerians were now
looking like, "It's cloth, right?"

[crowd laughing]

Now started devising new... [giggles]

Ankara.

Why are you wearing Ankara mask? Why?

You see, I want it to match with my...

You'll now wear Ankara pants,
Ankara shirt, Ankara mask.

You now look like
low-budget Lagbaja. Just...

[crowd laughing and clapping]

Then from there... [chuckles]
We didn't stop there.

People were
now doing different things, satin...

Someone was selling mask of damask.

- How do you...
- [people cheering, laughing]

- How do you...
- [cheering and clapping]

How do you do the mask of Damask?

[cheering, laughing]

Are we from Syria? Why you want Damascus?

- It doesn't make...
- [cheering, clapping, laughing]

It doesn't make sense.

But that was crazy, man.

It was that period
we started hearing things like,

"Wash your hands regularly."

That's how I knew
that my mother will never have COVID

because that was her favorite line.

"I've washed my hands off your case."

[crowd laughing and clapping]

But one unique thing
about the COVID time was that...

I mean, it was crazy. Like...

A lot of people actually, uh,

lost their lives and it was really sad.

I didn't know anybody that died,
but I have friends, you know.

Have you ever been...
Have you ever been eating,

like you are about to eat...

you are about to eat
something really nice,

and someone now breaks the news
of his own, like, cousin's death.

You know... You know, food... [laughs]

Eating is associated with revelry.

- It's associated with merriment.
- [woman] Yes.

So, like, people eat at parties, just be...

You can never eat sadly.

[crowd laughing]

So, maybe, like, I go to Johnny Rockets

and I buy their burger and I'm trying to...

I'm trying to eat,
then someone is now like... [whining]

[smacks lips] I'm so sad.

I don't know what made me ask,

"What happened?"

[crowd laughing]

And I'm holding, like...

Has that never happened to you?

Now, the news is not sad enough
for you to stop eating,

but at the same time, you don't
want to look like an idiot. [laughs]

So, you now go... [shrieks].

Man!

[stuttering] This... this country is terr--

Because even the person telling me, right,

even if that person dies,
I will still eat.

- But...
- [crowd laughing]

We're not that close.

Do you get it? [laughing]

[crowd laughing]

So, I have to now look like
somebody that... [shrieks]

"This is so bad."

"The health sector
is so terrible in this country."

[shrieks] "Just died like that."
[smacks lips]

[crowd laughing]

[smacks lips]

[crowd laughing and clapping]

- It will look silly.
- [crowd cheers, clapping]

But another thing...
another thing that happened

in 2020 was the End SARS movement,

which I think was a good cause, isn't it?

[crowd] Yes.

-It was good
-[crowd clapping]

because the police
had become a menace to the society,

like, you see...

You know, those days,
like ten years ago, 20 years ago,

if you go out, "How far?"

You're going somewhere
and you just be like, "How far?"

Eh? Robbers!

Let's pass the route with police officers.
There are police officers on this route.

But in recent times, that thing changed.

[in Pidgin] "How far?"

"Are police officers there?
"Let's pass where robbers are."

"At least those ones
may not shoot us, you know?"

[in English] So, we needed that movement.

So, people came out
in their numbers, loved it.

The youth were in one accord. I loved it.

They were saying things...

Everybody was clamoring. "Hey!

The fact that I'm a young man
and I'm driving a Benz does not mean

you should...

does not mean I'm a yahoo boy."

[crowd laughs]

I was like, "Yeah!"

"They'll take it further."

"The fact that
I'm a young man wearing a T-shirt

and a chain does not mean
you should stop me on the road."

- I say, "Yeah."
- [crowd laughing]

And they take it further. [chuckles]

"What is black lips? It's natural.

It doesn't mean I take anything, man."

- Yeah.
- [crowd laughs]

[chuckles]

I mean, I might have
a T-shirt on, chain on.

I have dreads, I have tattoos

does not mean you should stop me.

- I said, "Wait..."
- [crowd laughs]

Don't let us get too ahead of ourselves.

I don't think I want to live in a country
where you see guys in dreads, tattoo,

and torn jeans

and the police is, like,
"That's the house."

"That's... Its here." [chuckles]

No, I'm not saying
they should harass anybody

by how they look, but... [chuckles]

But because people are saying it
as if profiling is such a bad thing.

But the truth is that we, as humans,

have survived so many centuries
because of profiling.

All of us, profile. All of us.

You, you, you.

You must have been in traffic one time...

If you have a car... [chuckles]

[crowd cheers, laughs]

You must have been in traffic one time

and you see one guy walking, just walking

in the traffic
and you just lock your door.

[crowd laughs]

You know, most times,
99% of the time, you're wrong.

It's the conductor
of the vehicle behind you.

But you profiled him, didn't you?

Ladies, if you're walking
on one side of the road,

you see a guy in dreads,
torn jeans, tattoos,

snd on the other side
you see a guy in a suit,

on which side of the road
are you most likely to be found?

The guy in suit
might actually be a ritualist,

but you'll take your chances, you know.

Profiling.

Profiling is everywhere.

The fact that... [chuckles]
If you have dreads,

you have dreads, you have tattoo,
you have torn jeans,

and you're wondering
why the police are after you.

That's like you
adding weight and bleaching your skin

and you're wondering
why Yoruba movie directors are after you.

You're their spec!

[crowd laughing, cheering]

You are their spec.

[crowd cheering, clapping]

Okay.

I warned you guys though.

But we're finally here. It's Teetotaler.

I love that.
It's great to have you guys here, man!

[crowd clapping]

By the way, if you are here

and you still don't know
the meaning of Teetotaler,

like, you came for this show

and you still don't know
the meaning of Teetotaler,

I'm happy to break it to you,

- that you despise knowledge.
- [crowd laughing]

You're so stubborn with knowledge.

"And I won't check it. I don't need to."

Like, you can just Google it.
"No, I won't.

I will go for the show."

[chuckles]

[in Pidgin] He said, "Tell us."
Look at him. [chuckles]

[in English] No, but...

I won't blame you, actually,
because I'm like that sometimes.

Because I feel
English language is just very...

I feel it was created by lazy people.

English.

I'll try something now.

English is confusing.

What is the response to,

-"Thank you?"
- [crowd responds] "You're welcome."

Now, what is the response
to, like, if somebody arrives

here now, just be like, "Welcome, sir."

- What's the response?
- [crowd responds] "Thank you."

[crowd laughing]

Can you see how confusing that is?

Like my father came home one day,

and I was like,
"Daddy, you're welcome, sir."

He said, "Thank you."
I said, "You're welcome, sir."

He said, "Thank you."
I said, "You're welcome, sir."

For the first time, I had
a one-hour conversation with my dad.

[crowd laughs]

Confusing.

English language has to be one of the...

It has to be created
by some of the laziest people.

Do you know how I know?

Nothing is original in English.

If you think I'm lying,
there's what they call Entymology.

Entymology means that...

[crowd laughs]

It means the origin of words
or something like that, you know.

If you check the etymology
of almost all English words,

it's not English.

Do you know,
"diaspora" is gotten from the Greek word

diaspeirein, meaning "to scatter".

We all did Biology.

Two greek words, bios and logos.

Sometimes they even lack creativity.

They will just take the word, like that,
without changing anything.

Sine qua non.

Latin. Rendezvous.

They just have a nonchalant attitude.

Nonchalant is not even English.

[crowd laughs]

It's annoying. [chuckles]

Did you know that the word salary

is from the Latin word salarium?

Which means salt.

Like, everything
you worked for... for 30 days

is salt. Is that not an insult?

-Does--
-[crowd laughing and cheering]

Does it make sense?

It's crazy.

Let me tell you how ridiculous it is.

It gets even more ridiculous.

Do you know that
the word English is not English?

[crowd laughs]

Language of the angles. It's German.

German origin. It's annoying.

[laughs] [in Pidgin] He said "Sorry."

No, but it's the truth though.

[exclaims] Do you know that...

Let me tell you how annoying it is.

What is the concept?

That's how I know that they are lazy.

What's the concept behind synonyms?

Why do we have... Why is synonym a thing?

It's forgetfulness.

[crowd laughing]

The first guys
must have forgotten the word.

Okay, this word, when ...

your belly is sweeting you,
we'll call it happy.

Alright?

So, he's making a speech
two years down the line.

"I am very..." Huh?

[in Yoruba] What's that word? [chuckles]

See, man, I can't remember.

[in English] You know what?
Let's create something that

we can use another word
instead of another word.

I am excited.

Because that's laziness.

Let me tell you how ridiculous it is.

The word synonym has a synonym.

How ridiculous is that?

Who forgot...

Who forgot the word

that you said describes another?
Who made that?

The synonym of synonym is metonym.

Does it make sense to you?

[laughing, cheering, clapping]

Which is why...

Which is why...

The argument is still on

whether it's Korean or English
that has the largest number of words.

Because English just has
ridiculously large number of words.

You know, if you Google... Google the most...

I did it now. I tried it the other day.

I just tried to Google
the most specific thing.

"Angry woman."

I Googled it. You should see the options...

Termagant. Virago. Orgress. Vixen.

All these words just to describe
Tonto Dikeh. Really? Really?

[crowd laughing, cheering]

All these words?

[crowd clapping, laughing]

I'm joking.

I'm joking.

Because I know
feminists are here. They'll be like,

"Why did you have to type 'angry woman'?

Why not 'angry man'?" It was a random...

I promise you, it was random.

Because, feminists, I'm on your side.

[man] Are you sure?

[crowd laughs]

No, but think about it.
I always think about, like,

feminism a lot, you know?

Think about it.
I've thought about a business idea.

In case you're a business man here.

I see some of them. You know,

think about this business model.

Because feminism says
that what a man can do,

a woman can do better.

Why don't we have all those...
all those male-dominated jobs?

Why don't we have, like...
Why don't we make it feminine?

I'll give you an example. Like,
a logistics company, for example.

Why don't we have a female-based
logistics company?

You're thinking about it, right?
It will be mad.

Only female dispatch riders.

Only female.

Now, they can open their legs and ride

- without being judged.
- [crowd jeering]

But... I swear, it will be sweet. Wait...

I swear, it will be sweet,
if you think about it.

Think about it, now.
Now, dispatch riders are so boring.

"I'm at your gate."

Female dispatch riders, it will be sweet.

"Hello. I'm right here."

[laughing hysterically]

You will now see people welcoming,

"You can come in. Feel free."

[laughter]

But we'll give it a name.

We have to name the company.

Just call them "The Midwives".

"We deliver."

[laughing and cheering]

[chuckles] But the thing
about feminism though,

or feminists sometimes,
is that, it's almost like,

it always feels like guys
are the ones enjoying this world.

Meanwhile, it's not true.

There are some things that women
enjoy that we cannot enjoy.

"I'm coming."

Is that not why you're here? [chuckles]

We'll start from
the very little, basic things.

For example,

most of you have seen really nice
baby pictures on Instagram, yeah?

And one of the first things you see
underneath is, "Oh my God."

"My ovaries."

I dare any guy here.

- [crowd screams]
- What are you going to type?

"Oh my God, my sperm cells."

What are you going to type?

[exclaims]

What do you want to type? [laughs]

[woman mumbles]

Ah!

[woman] Oh my God!

No, but think about it.

When I knew that, you know,

women, sometimes they have an edge.

You remember many years ago

when Tee Billz...

wanted

to jump off the bridge. You remember?

- You remember that time?
- [crowd] Yes!

By the way, I think we need to fix up.

This country is like
one of the worst places to...

to be suicidal.

Did you see that trending video
of that guy that was trying to jump off

Ojuelegba Bridge? People were stoning him.

[in Pidgin] What surprised me?

The guy was dodging the stones.

[laughter rises]

[in English] This country is one of
the worst places to be suicidal.

You will see people...

Someone is suicidal
and is calling his friend.

You should know how to respond.

Don't just talk anyhow. Think.

You're calling your friend, "Guy,

really, man, I'm tired.
I'm really feeling suicidal.

I'm about to kill myself."

Then, "Oh my God. Just hang in there."

[crowd laughs]

- That's exactly what I was going to...
- [crowd laughing]

But you remember that time when Tee Billz

wanted to jump off the bridge?
I remember it vividly.

He said it was Banky W, and, um,

is it Peter of P-Square
that came to save him.

If you see comments on social media,

[in Pidgin] "The guys wants to die,
but he called his friends."

- [clicks tongue] "He is not ready."
- [crowd laughing]

People were laughing.
People made jokes about him. I didn't.

People made jokes about him.

- [man] You did.
- No, I didn't. I didn't. I don't...

- I don't make all those jokes.
- [crowd mutters]

There are some jokes I don't crack.

-[woman] Oh wow
-Yes

I don't crack
bleaching jokes, for example.

It's really not fair on the person.

[laughing hysterically]

No, but people... Like, it was... People were,

"Oh my God.
You wanted to die? You're so dramatic.

If you had died... This country,

nobody is leaving us." [speaks gibberish]

[crowd laughing]

It was funny. I think it was a Friday.

The next day, Tiwa Savage

just positioned camera.

- Tied scarf. You remember?
- [crowd laughing]

Made sure she didn't apply make up.

[sniffs, chuckles]

[sniffs]

"Tee Billz, he did this."

The next day, people,
"Aw, no, no, no. Aw."

Society always favors the crying party.

Yesterday, someone wanted to die.

People were,
"Oh no, no, what Tee Billz did."

He wanted to die yesterday.

That's when I knew that [chuckles]

the tears of a woman
is worth much more than the life of a man.

- It is.
- [crowd laughing, clapping]

See, the girls
don't want to clap. It's fine.

No, but I... [laughs]

But my major issue with feminism, though,

is just the fact that
sometimes we get confused, like,

"Do I start..." Because I remember
somebody actually said that,

"Don't open the door for a woman

because it means
that you think that she's weak."

So, sometimes I don't know.
Should I be chivalrous...

I don't know.

I'm confused.

So, sometimes,
when I'm driving, if a lady is beside me

and we have a flat tire, I'll just...

[crowd laughing]

- Like, "It's your turn."
- [crowd laughs]

"If you notice, it's even your side, so..."

But feminism... The truth is...

No matter how it is, I don't believe that...

I like...

I believe that, um, nobody
should be discriminated against.

Of course. I don't think...
I think... I believe in equality, you know.

I don't know whether it is possible

simply because we're two different people.

Like men and women are different.

And I'll give you little examples.

Men and women are different.

Petty examples.
It's not just in looks. No,

it's not just in looks.

For example,

women eat to satisfy cravings.

"Oh my God, I'm craving..."

[sighs] "I'm craving moi moi."

They don't go and buy moi moi.

They'll go and buy beans, buy everything...

cook moi moi.

"Oh my God.

I'm craving, like, salad." [chuckles]

So, they eat to satisfy cravings.

Guys don't eat to satisfy cravings.

Guys eat so as to avoid death.

[crowd laughing]

We eat so that we can see tomorrow.

So that we can survive.

It's survival. We just open the fridge.
"Um..."

"There's custard..."

Dano milk, and groundnut."

[crowd murmurs]

By the way, have you noticed that,

well, no matter what a guy is doing
in the kitchen,

he always... [chuckles]

He never uses the word "cook".

[crowd laughing]

A guy can be... [laughs] be cooking beans
in the kitchen. If his guy calls him...

I don't know whether it's ego.

[in Yoruba] Guy calls,
"Oh guy, what's up? What are you doing?"

[licks lips]

He will use
all the words in the English vocabulary,

apart from "cook".

-"I'm just trying to prep up...
- [crowd laughing]

- [man] One or two!
- one or two."

He'll say... [chuckles]

He'll say, "Um, but I can hear pots."

"No, no, I'm just trying to,
you know, just organize..."

[crowd laughs]

Asake.

"I'm trying to,
you know, just arrange some things."

"Guy, what are you doing?" "I'm trying
to amalgamate these ingredients."

Man, you are cooking!

[in English] You know,
lots of differences, man.

First of all, women
are more thorough than men.

You know that, right? We all know that.

Yes.

Women... If you need somebody
to supervise people,

better use a woman.

Women are more thorough,
and it shows in the little things.

Like, did you know that

women actually apply cream naked?

[crowd laughs]

The girls are wondering, "How else?"

The guys are wondering, "Wow."

[crowd laughing hysterically]

Don't ask me how I knew.

But just... Research...

Pastor, research.

- I swear.
- [crowd shouting happily]

Because they are very thorough.

Every... Every part

must be covered.

Guys don't...

The few guys

that happen to use cream...

[laughs wildly]

They don't apply it naked.

They will have finished...

Women... Guys apply cream on their body
the same way they prepare for exams.

They only focus on what's coming out.

- That... That's... [chuckles]
- [crowd laughs]

There are differences.

Compliments.

Men, ah, God!

Ladies know how to give
and receive compliments.

It's like their thing.

You know, women like...
They love themselves. [exclaims]

I've never seen a set of people
that will just glory in themselves.

Just look...

They are more likely
to look in the mirror. They're more likely

to take selfies, you know, just anything...

One thing women do that bursts
my head is that they record stories.

In the evening... [laughs]

they will just go back to their own story.

- And start watching it... "Aw!" Glory.
- [crowd laughs].

So, those people,
they know how to give and receive

because they know they like it.

So, you see, two girls now,
they don't know each other before,

they'll just go,
"Oh my God, I love your hair."

-[woman] Yes, girl!
-Your hair?

They know fully well that it's not yours.

[crowd laughs]

-"I love your hair."
- [woman] Wow!

Guys don't know how to give compliments.

If a guy likes
what you are wearing or anything,

he deflects the compliment.

Like he takes it...

So, if a guy
likes your haircut like this now,

he doesn't say, "Oh,"
he'll say, "Oh, what's up?

Where did you cut your hair?"

[crowd laughs]

He'd say, "Next.
"Wow, those guys are good!"

[crowd laughs]

He deflects it.

"Wow, Adidas makes great shoes!"

But it's my shoes.

Women know how
to receive compliments as well.

If you tell her, "Nice dress," [scoffs]

she'll even give you a twirl.

You know...

"Nice hair." Not her hair. "Aw!"

"You know how we do."

Guys?

We don't know how to receive compliments.

We're always embarrassed.

It's like we'll just downplay it.

"Wow, guy, nice shirt." "Are you serious?"

- [in Pidgin] "My wife bought it."
- [crowd laughs]

"I don't even know much
about these things."

[crowd laughs and claps]

"Wow, guy, nice shoes."
"Are you serious? No..."

"This was the last one available.
I just picked it."

[in English] The only compliments
that guys receive with their full chest

is this one, "Wow, guy. Nice babe."

[in English] You know how we do.

[cheering, clapping]

[crowd cheering] SLK!

Differences, man.

Differences.

Women take life more seriously than men.

I don't know why women are like that.

Men are just...

And it shows in the very serious things.

I'm getting to a very serious part now.

Women respond to trauma seriously.

Traumatic experiences.

Like... I mean, if a...

If a lady goes through an experience,
a very sad experience, maybe like

rape or child molestation
or something like that,

when she's talking about it
with a lot of emotions, as it should be,

because these things
need to be tackled head on.

You know?

But guys, on the other hand,

have you seen when a guy

is talking about, like, his very sad past,

something that is supposed to be sad.

This is why society
does not take us seriously.

I have a friend. I won't mention his name.

We were in the living room

and this guy was talking about
his molestation experience.

Ah.

He was dancing.

[crowd laughing]

I'm not joking. This is even true life.

[clicks tongue] [in Pidgin] "Guy,
I was molested."

- [laughter intensifies]
- Ah.

[in English] He was saying it
as if he was reminiscing. "Ah.

Sister Tokumbo. Ah!

Aunty Tokumbo. Ah."

I was even the one telling him,
"D1, are you okay?"

Like, "Do you need therapy?"

[crowd laughs]

Guys.

Guys, we need to take this thing
seriously. I did this joke somewhere

and I realized that a lot of men
were actually molested as kids.

- No joke.
- [crowd] Yes.

If you see a lot of men talk...

And they still
have that unserious attitude.

"Ah, Aunty Bola." I say, "Guys!"

And they do it.
They say it with so much fun.

Like, if you see, I was with some guys.

I discovered that
most guys were actually molested.

Like it's molestation. Forget about if

you think you enjoyed it
or not. Like, it was molestation.

Like you see guys
talk about it with so much "aw".

[crowd laughs]

Like almost every guy.

I can tell you that for a fact.

I was almost...

But I now went to report.

[crowd laughs]

I'm joking.

- I did not report, so...
- [crowd laughs]

But... [laughs] Forget about.

But I actually did. I actually did.

I actually did.

And that's what saved me.

A lot of guys actually went through this.

And it's important that we shine
the torch of this topic because

the truth is that these people,
whether they acknowledge it or not,

this thing does something,

damages them. Hurt people hurt people.

The, like, abused later

becomes the abuser.
That's why a lot of abusive people

were actually molested as kids.

And so, it is important that
we face this so that society

can actually shine the torch on it.

[clapping]

Yeah, it is important.

Because...

If you look at some
of the famous people that were, you know...

For example, R. Kelly.

R. Kelly was molested as a kid,

but we should have known.

He was only trying to tell us,
We didn't just pay attention.

He was singing it in his songs.

-♪ I am a lion ♪
- [crowd laughs]

This guy is a predator. He was telling us.

He's a predator.

We should have paid attention.

"Stand up tall."

That he was talking to kids.
Oh, we should have paid attention.

One of the major ways I knew that

R. Kelly was going to be, like...
We should have suspected

that he liked underage girls.

You know, he was always playing the piano,

and every time he was playing the piano,
he was always playing on minors.

[crowd cheering]

[sighs]

I was afraid.
I thought that joke will fall flat.

[crowd cheering intensifies]

But that's it.

Now, he's trapped in a closet.
But the thing is...

But I'm scared though

because I've noticed

that it seems like almost all legends

seem to have, like,
one woman or female scandal or the other.

R. Kelly, R&B legend,

girl scandal.

Bill Cosby,
comedy legend, women's scandal.

Tiger Woods, golf legend, women scandal.

[woman indistinct chatter]

[in Pidgin] Ah, God, please.

[in English] God forbid.

[laughs] Because the truth is that

"Surviving SLK"
sounds like a catchy title.

- God forbid.
- [crowd laughs]

I don't want to hear that... [chuckles]

years later,
"Welcome back to Surviving SLK.

- So, Erica, tell us..." [shrieks]
- [laughter]

I don't want that.

God, please. But... So, I'm very careful.

That statement, "Fear women",

I'm always very, very,
very careful with my life.

I mean, it's better
to be safe than sorry. You know.

Most people know... [chuckles]

Most people know I'm very... You know.

Maybe that's why I'm still single.

[crowd murmuring]

I'm very careful now.

Maybe that's why I'm still single.

But that's... [laughs]
That's not why I'm still single.

Let me tell you why I'm still single.

Ah, people want to know.
Should I tell you why I'm still single?

[crowd] Yes.

Because the king has taken all our wives.

[laughter]

But it's true though. [laughs]

He'll soon marry again, though.

All our wives have gone to the palace.

Think about it. [laughs]

But most people give props to the king.

I give more props to the girls
that marry the king.

Because marrying the king...

Have you ever thought of it?
What it takes to marry a king?

It has to be one of...

It has to be one of
the most difficult things in the world.

First of all... Hey, hey.

What are you thinking?

If the king wants to marry you,
he doesn't discuss with you.

Hey?

He sends a retinue of emissaries
to your parents.

You get back home, your parents tell you,

"Ah, you're marrying the king tomorrow."

Eh?

[shrieks] No, you will hide her.

It's not just in Africa,

even those days,
even the days of Emperor Caesar.

You have to hide her.

You can't have a fine girlrfriend.

If Emperor Caesar sees her,
he will seize her. That's it.

You can't do such.

Those days... Those days...

Even now. Okay, let's say
the king is getting, you know, better...

The kings are getting more...
Maybe they want to talk to you.

You can't do those things
you do to us, we peasants.

[crowd laughs]

Eh!

We will ask for your number.

You'll give us wrong number. Eh?

You will give the king wrong number?

Like the king will call
and a Hausa man will pick up? Eh?

[laughter]

It is a taboo. They can behead you.

You give the king wrong name.

You say my name is Anita. Eh?

If Ifa should catch you, it's a taboo.

They can behead you.

Let's say, you now start dating the king,

you can't call the king "boo".

It's a taboo. They can behead you.

You start dating the king... Eh?

Ah. Eh. A whole king.

You can't do some things.
You can't try some things.

Okay, let's say, you're even married.

You're now married to the king.

You now want an exclusive dinner.

By the way,

you know that if the king...

Like anywhere the king goes,

the king does not go
anywhere alone, no matter...

You know, he doesn't go to places alone.

Somebody must... Like a praise singer.

I don't care who it is.

I don't care wherever he is going.

[chants in Yoruba] "♪ Oh, great king! ♪"

[chanting continues]

[chanting continues]

"He who confronts him doesn't know him.
He who knows him doesn't confront him."

[chanting continues]

[chanting continues]

[chanting continues]

[chanting continues]

[in English] Inside the Embassy.

[crowd cheering, laughing, clapping]

Are you joking?

Forget those praise singers.

[in Pidgin] Their passports
are fuller than yours.

Inside the plane, inside airport.

[chants in Yoruba] "♪ Oh, great king! ♪"

Sometimes they will even get visa
and the king does not get.

So, they'll go to America...

[chants in Yoruba] "♪ Oh, great king! ♪"

They'll say, "Why are you shouting?"
They'll say, "The king is coming."

If the king was coming here now,
the first person will be...

[chants in Yoruba] "♪ Oh, great king! ♪"

They'll say, "Why are you shouting?"

They'll say, "The king is coming."

So, now, imagine...

[chuckles] You now want exclusive dinner,

like you buy out a restaurant.

You tell the DJ to play

romantic music.

They're waiting for King Boo.

Or His Royal Bae.

First of all, he'll come late.

But the first thing you'll just hear is...

[chants in Yoruba] "♪ Oh, great king! ♪"

-[lady] I love you.
-[chuckles]

They'll be like, "What is this?"

But it's not... Even in the other room.

[man] Oh, wow.

- But that's...
- [lady in the crowd cheers]

That's like the only place that

the king's praise singer cannot enter.

But he will stay at the door.

In the other room, hey, hey,
there are rules to follow.

Like, you know, those things
that married people do in the other room.

I don't know much
about these things. [laughs]

No, but in the other room,
there are rules to follow.

Research.

Eh! You can never be on top of the king.

Hey! It's a taboo. They can behead you.

The king is always on top of all issues.

[crowd laughs]

It is not patriarchy,
it's monarchy. [laughs]

Eh! Eh! Eh!

Eh! In the other room,

you can't command the king. No.

It's... It's when you are married
to a normal human being

that you'll say, "Faster, harder."

No, you don't command the king.

You can only pray for him,
"Oh, King, may your reign be long."

"May you last
in the seat of your fathers."

[crowd laughs]

- It is not patriarchy, it's monarchy.
- [woman screams]

You can't play with the king's crown.

Any of the crowns. It is a taboo.

They can behead you.

[laughter and clapping intensifies]

Then, after you now
spend like 15 minutes inside,

outside, we'll just hear...

[chants in Yoruba] "♪ Oh, great king! ♪"

People will come out and say,
"What's happening?"

"The king is coming."

[laughter and clapping intensifies]

So, I'm going to lead a protest.

I'm going to lead a protest
in the king's palace.

Just raise placards,
"Bring back our girls."

But ladies, I'm on your side, you can see.

I'm advocating for the freedom.

[chuckles]

Because, ladies,
let me show you I'm on your side.

I'm probably the only guy here that likes

watching female sports.

[ladies] Aw!

Yes, I watch female tennis,
female football, female basketball.

I like seeing girls play with balls.
Basically, that's...

one of the things I like the most.

-[chuckling]
-[crowd laughs]

But the thing is...

But the sad thing
about watching female football...

Like we all clamor for it.

You see, I've seen
feminists clamor for it now,

equal pay in football,
but you guys don't watch sports.

How will they now make money? I do.

But the thing I think they should change
is that...

I don't like the fact that

females are playing football.

Then we're now having male commentators.

Because if you are
watching female football,

that's the first thing
that'll piss you off.

Because after a while,

the male commentators start sounding like

creepy pervs.

"Alright now..."

"Right now, I can see fresh
pair of legs coming into the field."

"Anita.

We all know
she's very good with her head."

"What a time
to bring her up by the 69th minute."

Can you change this channel?

Can you change this channel right now?

[crowd cheering]

Well, that's all for the sexual innuendos
in this set. [chuckles]

No, but I love football a lot.
I love football a lot.

One of the most intriguing things
about football, for me,

is this particular one.

By the way,
in case you don't watch football here,

you know that it was
when I got to university

that I discovered that there were
actually men that don't watch football.

I never knew.

Like, I just used to think that that was
like your prerequisite for being a man.

Do I have men
that don't watch football here?

-[shouts]
-You don't watch football?

So, what's your maiden name?

[crowd laughs]

I asked, "So, what's your favorite sport?"

What's your favorite sport?

You don't have?

I... I asked one Igbo girl
for her favorite sport.

She said Range Rover.

[crowd laughs]

Range Rover Sports. Still works.

Let me explain that joke.
Range Rover Sports.

But one thing about football

that I like is the fact that...

Most people don't know this.

By the way,
if you don't watch football, don't worry.

Don't tune off.

You'll understand.
I'm not saying anything esoteric.

You just need to flow with me. Alright?

So, there's this particular guy.
When you get home, Google him.

His name is Gary Lineker.

He's like
one of the best English strikers.

He was the highest goalscorer
at the 1986 World Cup.

Gary Lineker.

He played for Leicester,
he played for Everton,

he played for Tottenham,
he played for Barcelona.

Top Guy.

He was highest goal scorer
in a lot of these leagues.

But that's not the most
intriguing thing about Gary Lineker.

The most intriguing thing
about Gary Lineker is, first of all,

throughout out his 17-year career

playing football actively,
week in, week out,

he never ever collected a red card.

Not once.

Let me put it in perspective for you.

All of you know Lionel Messi.

Messi is like one of the most
loved players because he's very nice.

He's very calm. He has three red cards.

Forget about Ronaldo. Ronaldo has 11.

- [chuckles]
- [crowd laughs]

Do you know how easy it is for you
to get a red card in football?

Zinedine Zidane was playing his final,

final, in the full glare of the world.

This defender, I don't know
what he said, maybe about his wife,

"No wonder your wife is..."

The guy said, "What?"

"What?"

Bang.

Red card.

So, that means Gary Lineker...

Because Gary Lineker
played 17 years week in, week out.

That means he must have been
insulted one time.

Somebody must have said, "Gary Lineker,

no wonder your wife
has slept with the full team."

"It's okay."

Played 17 years,
never collected a red card.

But it doesn't stop there.

Gary Lineker
played 17 years of his career.

Not only did he never ever

collect a red card,

he also never ever, wait for it,

collected a yellow card
throughout his career.

Google him when you get home. True story.

Do you know how easy
it is to get a yellow card in football?

-[man] Exactly.
-[crowd laughs]

Top striker.

Gary Lineker played 17 years,
no yellow card.

Let me tell you how easy it is
to get a yellow card.

Revenge tackle.

Somebody tackles you rough.

Pa! And you'll now be like, "Really?"

Cha! Revenge tackle. Yellow.

Yes!

If you argue with referee...

If the referee tells you something
and you argue,

"What's the meaning of that?" Yellow.

Do you know that

it doesn't even take a negative emotion

to get you a yellow card in football?

If you score 90th minute

and you're so excited
and you remove your clothes,

yellow card!

That means he was not just
a master of his negative emotions,

he was a master of his positive emotions.

So, Gary Lineker must have been playing,

someone would have tackled
him rough, and he'll just be like,

"Guy."

[laughter]

"It's okay."

You know,

referee must have blown
something that he didn't like.

"Ref, it's okay."

[crowd laughs]

You know... He must have scored one
dying minute goal and he just wanted to...

"It's okay."

So, Gary Lineker
played 17 years of his career,

week in, week out,
never collected a red card,

never collected a yellow card.

- But he's been divorced twice.
- [crowd exclaims and laughs]

Like, two women looked at that guy,

just like, "Nah, nah."

Red card.

[crowd laughs]

The first wife said his behavior
gave him stress and anxiety.

What could... Ah! Fear women!

What could Gary Lineker have done?

[chuckles]

He must have been so annoying.

"What do you want to eat?" "Anything."

"I will make toast."

"It's okay."

[crowd cheering intensifies]

Well, that's why
I just decided that you know what?

[chuckles]

So, I mean, in a quest to get married,

so that I will show
that I'm serious, I decided to

leave my parents' house,
like, many years ago.

By the way, if you are Gen Z here,

and I know in your mind, you're thinking,

"These people are
always sending me message.

Sending me too much messages.
I need to leave."

[grunts, scoffs]

The truth is, if you leave,

they will stop sending you message.

But they will start sending you
on errands.

In case you don't know what errand is,

errand is the senior brother of message.

What is message? "Go and bring my bag."

What is message?

"Hey, take this thing.
Put it in the fridge."

What is message? The highest message?

"Go and iron my clothes." Women.

Actually, that's what made me leave.

I was ironing my mother's clothes.

Have you ironed women's cloth before?

[crowd laughs]

It was so difficult,
my sweat was the spray.

[laughter]

I was like, "No, I'm going to...
Agent Kola!"

But errand?

I've left my parents house
for how many years now?

But my father still sends me on errands.

Despite, my father will call you
because there's phone.

"Hello?" He'll now ask
the most useless question.

This particular one...

"Where are you?"

That question is useless

because it doesn't
really matter where you are.

[crowd laughs]

"Where are you?" I'll say,
"I'm in the kitchen.

"I'm just trying to prep up..."

[crowd laughs]

"...dinner."

"Very good.

When you are done, jor,

you will go to Ikorodu." [shrieks]

[crowd laughs]

It doesn't really matter where you are.

My father called me one day.
"Hello. Where are you?"

I said, "Actually, I'm at an event.
I'm about to start an event in Abuja."

"Very good. When you are done,
you will go to Ibadan." [shrieks]

It doesn't matter where you are.

[chuckles] You can actually be
in front of the judge.

They are about to sentence you to life.

Your father will still call you.
"Just a minute."

"Hello?" "Where are you?"

"I'm in front of the judge.
They're about to sentence me to life."

"Very good.
When you are done, jor..." [shrieks]

[crowd laughs]

It never ends.

[crowd laughs, cheers, claps]

It never ends fam.

But there are some things you will miss

when you leave your parents.

Some things you will miss. For example,

one of the first things
you will miss is that...

You know, you're going now...

You know, the mistake people always make,

they think it's only rent.

[crowd laughs]

Like, once I move in, I've moved in. "Hey!

Don't make the mistakes we made."

That's when you will know
how expensive things are.

Like a chair. Chair. Like...

[in Pidgin] Look at me.

[in English] I mean, I can stand,
I'm a stand-up comedian.

[crowd laughs]

You'll realize
how expensive curtain is. Curtain.

You'll now be like, "I live alone

and I don't do anything bad. So, why?"

[crowd laughs]

"Why cover up?"

Let me tell you
what you won't know is expensive.

By the way, if you're watching this thing

from, like, outside the country,

you know, we don't have
24 hours power supply, so...

apart from a generator,

you'll also need something
that you won't know you need.

You know, that's there are some things
you won't know you need until you move in.

For example, a parker. [chuckles]

You will not know.
You will just be sweeping. Hey!

[crowd laughs]

[crowd cheering intensifies]

So, you won't know
you will need this thing.

There's this thing called
"power restoration alarm".

You know that thing?

- [crowd] Yes.
- [shouts]

[in Pidgin] That thing can be so loud!

Louder than Cardi B. [squeals]

Very loud.

It's so loud
that no Nigerian street has two.

[crowd laughs]

They always wait for the first person,

the fool that will buy.

[crowd laughs]

When I moved in,

nobody had it on my street,

and I was always wasting fuel

because fuel will be finished.

And they'll go, "Ah, there has been light
since, I didn't know."

Nobody was buying.
Everybody was going, "Hmm."

I now summoned courage.
Gathered money and bought it.

Everybody in the street was using my own.

How did I know?
Every time it goes... [screams]

You'll just see people,
"They've brought light!" Pa! Pa!

Very annoying and I can be very petty.

You know what I did?

I connected it to earphones.

[sound like a horn] Yeah. Yeah.

[in Pidgin] Let your fuel run out.

[crowd cheering and clapping]

There are so many things you will miss.

So many things you will miss.

For example, this particular one.

Do you know that
no matter how old you are,

if you still live with your parents,
when all those uncles come,

those of your family friends,
when they come visiting,

"Ah, how are you? Well done. Let me..."

"Take this. Go and buy biscuits."
Those money can be useful.

Ah! They can come very timely.

[scoffs] "How are you?
You're done with school?"

"Well done. Fantastic. Big boy."

"The last time I saw you,
you were like this."

[crowd laughs]

"No, no, take this. Come on."

"Take. Don't let
your daddy see it." [giggles]

[squeals] But immediately, you...

I don't care
if you leave the house at 12 years old,

nobody will give you anything.

They'll just be like,
"You are on your own. Big boy."

By the way,
all of us have the uncle that disappoints.

[woman] Yes.

Every family has a disappointing uncle.

[woman] Yes.

If you don't have a disappointing uncle,
then you are the uncle.

[laughter]

And this is how you know
uncles that disappoint.

When you ask them...
Disappointment, like you would need this...

Like if you're asking your uncle,

"Uncle, I'm about to resume.
I need like 20,000 for pocket money."

This is the first thing.
You see this head movement?

That's how you'll know
uncles that disappoint.

"Uncle, I'm going to school."

[silly sound]

You see this thing?

[crowd laughs]

Then the next one is that body squeeze.

You know, that famous body squeeze.
"Uncle, I'm going to school..."

[exclaims]

[crowd laughs]

This is poverty right there.

Then the final one.

They always ask one question.

You see, when you
get this question, just go home,

forget about money.

"Uncle, money for..." [shrieks]

"Uh... What's today?"

[crowd laughs]

Just forget about it.

Because anybody that does not know today,

he cannot know tomorrow.

[crowd laughs, claps]

[clapping]

[screams] "Uh, what's today?"

"Sunday."

"Uh... Come to my office on Monday."

[screams] "I'll be in Port-Harcourt. Uh..."

"Come on Tues--"
[screams] "I'll be in Jeba. Um..."

[in Pidgin] It's you who would then say,
"Uncle, don't worry, I'll work hard."

"I will do well."

[crowd murmurs]

There are things you will miss.

For example, security.

When I was still with my dad,

growing up,
my father was like my security.

Yes. No matter what,
all he needs to know is your location.

I remember that time,
I think it was Abiola that died

and there was a lot of furore,

a lot of ruckus.

Riot, everywhere.

I was in school, I called my father

from the landline of the school.
I called my father's office.

A landline. [panting]
"Hello. They're fighting, Daddy."

"Relax. Where are you?"
I said, "I'm in school."

"I'm on my way." [beatboxing sounds]

That's not the soundtrack playing,
but that was what was playing in my head.

My father just came to save me.

In fact, we were in the car.

They were killing people up and down.

I was just confident because my daddy
was here. [beatboxing sounds]

My mommy will see snake,
"Snake! Go and call your daddy."

- [beatboxing sounds]
- [crowd laughs]

I don't know
if my brother can remember this,

but I remember vividly. One time,

they were they were robbing.
We were just hearing,

[in Yoruba] "Thief, thief, thief!"

My father locked us in to keep us...

He didn't wait for the thief to come.

He went out after the thief.

[beatboxing sounds]

No jokes.

He was my security.

All he just needed to know
was where you were.

"Hello. Where are you?"

[panting] "Right now, I'm at..."

"Okay. I'm coming to get you."

[beatboxing sounds]

But I miss that now

because I have to be my own security.
I have to man up.

And you know how Lagos gets
with these robberies these days.

One day, I was in traffic.

I was on Ikorodu Road.
That's how robbers just came.

"Your phone!" And I just got a new phone.

Thankfully, I just put the sim
in the new phone, so I just hid the phone.

I had my old phone.
I still had my old phone.

I just submitted my old phone.

Uh!

I don't know this thing
that robbers do nowadays.

"One thing I hate is lies."

[crowd laughs]

Wow.

You have such a high moral standard.

[crowd laughs]

Why do robbers feel the need to do that?

"One thing I hate is lies."

Why do you guys do that thing? Why?

"One thing I hate is lies."

"Are you sure these are all the phones?"

I said, "Yes, yes, yes."

The next thing,
as they were about leaving,

I was just reversing. Next thing,

I just heard the...
[imitates a phone ringtone]

I was reversing. I said, "What?"

I just brought out my phone.

Thankfully, it was my dad.

I just picked up the phone [panting]

I was like, "I'm being robbed."
Then he said,

"Where are you?"

I said "Right now,
I'm at Ikorodu Road. I'm being robbed."

"Very good. Please,

when you're done..." [shrieks]

[crowd laughs]

But I'm joking though.

That's not... That's not it.

No, I'm not single because the king,

you know... That's just a lie.

The reason I'm single is that

all our friends are traveling.

All my potential wives are traveling.

- Have you noticed?
- [crowd murmuring]

People are leaving us.

Mass exodus out of this country.
You've not noticed it?

People are no longer sapiosexual.

They're now japasexual.

This mass exodus
where everybody is leaving.

Are you leaving? Are you going?

The way... Every weekend,

we just see that thing on Twitter.

-"Cheers to a new dispensation."
- [woman] Yes.

People are leaving
and they won't tell you.

You'll just be calling them,
and just start hearing abroad ringtone.

[imitates phone ringtone]

[in Pidgin] "Hello. What's up?"
"I'm in Calgary." [shrieks]

[in English] You know,
people are leaving every week.

If we continue like this in this country,

like people leaving every week,

if we continue like this,
in the next ten years,

Nigeria will start to echo.

[crowd laughing]

"Hello, hello, hello!
Is anybody around? Is anybody around?"

And people are looking for any excuse.

Marriage, education.

You see a 50-year-old man,
"I'm going for my B.Sc." What?

[crowd laughs]

[chuckles]

In the next ten years...

we'll say, "Where's our president?"

"Ah, he has gone for his Master's."

They say it...
Speaking of this education thing,

they sent one girl to England

to further her education.

You know? She went there
and she started sleeping with white men.

Like, they sent her to go and do Master's.

She went to do her colonial master's.

[crowd laughs, jeers]

But it's crazy, though.

This is why
we actually need to vote wisely

this coming elections, alright?
We need to vote wisely.

[crowd clapping]

Look at dollar now.
Everything is... Wait, I'm non-partisan.

Just to put it out there.

But I can see the three...

But this is the first time
we're having, like,

a very serious third force.

I'm so excited about that.

Since 1999, I've never
really seen a third force like this.

You know, people are batified,

some people are articulate,
some people are obidient, you know.

[woman] Yeah.

[mumbles] I've been observing.

It's like a lot of youths seem to like...

Peter Obi, which is cool.

A lot of youths seem to...
Seriously, you know.

But it's like you people
want to vote for somebody

that has not shown interest
in our feeding.

Only one candidate has shown
interest in food.

[crowd laughs]

- Ewa, Garri, Dodo. You know.
- [man] Dodo.

The farmers will make more money.

[crowd laughs]

Hope say... When Obi...

Or if Obi enter, are you sure Obi...

Because Obidient has not
said anything about food.

Hope he'll not be like,

"In Egypt, they don't eat. Go and verify."

[crowd laughs]

"They don't eat breakfast."

But vote wisely.

[crowd laughs, claps]

The youth seem to have only one candidate.

Seem to... like everybody
wants to vote for Obi.

We can try.
If you are Obidient, make some noise.

[majority cheering]

If you are Batified, make some noise.

- [minority cheers]
- Don't be ashamed.

[crowd laughs]

No, but at this rate,

it's like everybody will vote for Obi.

At this rate,

even Tinubu will vote for Obi.

But it won't be intentional.
He'll just be...

[crowd laughing hysterically, clapping]

I'm joking.

[crowd murmuring]

I'm joking. [scoffs, laughs]

But the issue, the fear, I have

with the Obi thing is that Obi feels like...

Obi feels like he can win this thing
intelligently. That's just...

Like he feels like if he gives us stats...

Do you know the country you're in?

Let me explain.

Everywhere Tinubu goes,
Kwam1 one goes with him.

[in Yoruba] ♪ Don't follow them ♪

Vibes.

[crowd laughs]

This country is on vibes.

You think I'm joking?

Look at Wike.

Look at Wike. Wike has a life band.

♪ As it is hurting them
it's pleasant to us ♪

He can't even make a simple speech.

The worst one,
Dino Melaye, does not even talk.

He just sings.

But Peter Obi is just
giving stats everywhere.

I personally think... [chuckles]

I think Obi
should hire Wizkid or something.

Because I knew this early enough.
I had an uncle.

My uncle used to be in politics.

I followed him
for one of his meetings one time.

Like his delegate meetings.

That's when I knew that this country
is not a serious place.

My uncle had...

He has good intentions, fantastic guy.

I can never forget that meeting.

I was in JSS2. I just went there.

They didn't allow this guy talk.

He was vying
for the chairmanship position.

Just came out.

"Thank you very much. Uh..."

"My name is, uh... Oluwole."

Then, next, there's somebody...

[in Pidgin] ♪ This is the chairman
We've been waiting for ♪

♪ This is the chairman
We've been waiting for ♪

♪ Hey, Olubasket
Oh, Olubasket ♪

[in Yoruba] "That's enough. Thank you."

[in English] You will now... [chuckles]

"By the way, um, I am here

to cause a change."

They didn't allow him
talk for more than two seconds.

[in Yoruba]
♪ Oluwole has come in his awesomeness ♪

The worst one,
he was now trying to channel

his inner Barack Obama.
Just wanted to give that MLK, you know.

"Right from the '90s,
when I started my political career..."

From nowhere,

♪ Olu 96! Olu 97! ♪

♪ Olu 98! ♪

♪ Olu 2000! 2001! ♪

♪ 2002! ♪

♪ This is the Oluwole
That you said you didn't know! ♪

That's when I started
respecting all these market women.

They can twerk.

♪ Oluwole! ♪

The salt seller.

♪ This is the life
Of a salt seller, I'll rejoice! ♪

[crowd cheering]

That song never left me.

♪ This is the Oluwole
That you said you didn't know! ♪

[chuckles]

But I said that, um,

he used to, um,

be into politics.

He is no more into politics now.

[crowd laughs, murmurs]

Because,

sometime in 2013,

- my uncle died.
- [crowd] Aw!

Yeah.

It was actually really sad

because he was like the first guy
that told me a joke.

Very fun-loving man.

Very sad.

I remember that day vividly.

I was watching...

I remember that day vividly because

I was watching 2Face's wedding on HipTV.

I remember.

Got the news, went to pick my mom.

I mean, he's the last... He's the last born.

My mom is the first.
You know, there was that bond.

It was very sad.
I was watching HipTV, 2Face's wedding.

My Mom came in, unconsolable,

in tears, crying.

My brother was crying.
Everybody was crying.

It was really sad for me because

I really wanted
to finish watching 2Face's wedding.

-[crowd laughs]
-I'm joking.

I finished watching it. So, the...

[crowd laughs]

No, but it was really sad.

- Honestly, you know.
- [woman] Wow.

But the saddest part of it all was that...

What you would not be prepared for

when you lose somebody

is the condolence visit.

Like we got the point at first.

Like people... So,
in case you don't know my mom,

my mom is over 70 now,

but she's still in Girl's Guild.

[crowd laughs]

Same woman, she's in Ladies Bible class.

Same woman, she's in Mother's Union.

And she's in Anglican Elders' fellowship.

Like, can you pick a generation?

[laughter]

She's in all these societies.
And guess what?

All these people felt the need

to come to our house to console her.

That's it. And they came with buses.

[chuckles] Wait.

What's the concept of consolation?

Is it not to, like, help the person

stop crying?

So, why do they choose
the saddest songs in the book

to sing when they're about leaving?

♪ La la la la ♪ [whimpers]

There was one time somebody wanted to...

Somebody wanted to sing
something else, like,

♪ We are here .... ♪ Mm-hm!

♪ Amazing Grace ♪ [whines]

The saddest part of that visit

was the fact that, just Yoruba people,

no matter what, they came to console you,

- but you must feed them.
- [women] Yes.

[in Pidgin] And we're the ones who suffer.

[in English] And they still have choices.

"Please, can you
give me cold Dano milk with..."

You're supposed to
be asking for bitter lemon.

You... [chuckles]

You'll give them food and they will eat.

Just give them food,
like rice with chicken.

"Ah, this health system is terrible!"

[crowd laughs]

Sad.

Then I remember the burial.
The burial was another sad moment.

When we were going
to put him in the hearse.

The hearse is that thing
that carries dead bodies.

[crowd laughs, cheers]

But I have always wondered,

why do hearses have sirens? Like...

Why are they in a hurry?
Where are they in a hurry to?

Maybe because
the person they're carrying is late.

- Maybe. I don't know.
- [crowd cheering]

But everywhere we went to, any time

police sees us, police will stop us.

- Oh.
- [lady] Oh my goodness.

So, why are they doing that?

Oh! Oh! I said, "Oh. Espirit de corps."

[crowd howling]

No, but the burial was a different thing.

Like, it was very sad.
Everybody was crying and stuff,

and they were lowering the body.

They were lowering the body.
And guess what?

They still felt the need
to sing those sad songs.

♪ Never grow old
Never grow old in a land... ♪

[imitates crying] Sincerely,
right? That time,

I just wish that was the best time

for someone to just come
from the crowd and just be like,

♪ This is the Oluwole
That you said you didn't know! ♪

[cheering and clapping]

But my second influence in comedy

has to be my secondary school.

I went to one of the best
secondary schools, by the way. Dansol.

Dansol High.

Haters will just be like,
"But what's the meaning of...?"

Is it my fault you went to QC?
What's... What's...

[crowd jeering]

No, but Dansol was a different breed

because our teachers...

So, they influenced me
in comedy basically because,

it was... First of all,
it was at Dansol I learned to speak.

You know, use words and all those things.

Dansol was a very good school,
or is a very good school.

[woman] Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

[chuckles]

But our teachers were characters.
Our teachers were dramatic.

I can never forget them,
dramatic teachers.

A lot of you have funny memories
of your teachers.

But I have... [laughs]

For example, there was one guy...

Imagine this.
The first time you see somebody

just comes on stage.

My name is... [sighs]

[crowd laughs]

My name is
Reverend Dr. Theophilus Famuyide.

I studied Demonology in America.

What?

[sighs] I don't know whether
it's because he's a reverend,

he just feels the need
to talk in King James version.

"Very stupid a boy."

"Very foolish indeed."

[crowd laughs]

"You are worse than a sacrificial lamb."

Why? He just felt the need to say that.

And he had this bad habit. [laughs]

He will always use words,

both words that he knows
and words he doesn't know,

and he will still shell.

[crowd laughs]

"Sir what do you think about
the littering of the floors in the...?"

"Well, I see this
as a case of incorrigiblity

because courtesy demands
that anywhere, you see a pieces of paper

on the floor, you pick it." Huh?

He will use big words
that he doesn't even know the meaning of.

"You will not do your assignments.

You just be soliloquising
your parents' money."

Huh?

[crowd laughs]

One day, he saw me talking to some guys.

I was just talking. We were gisting,

Just laughing, having a good time.

"Have you done your assignment?

You're not a very serious person.

Always going about.

Are you a teetotaler?" Huh?
"Are you a teetotaler? Answer me."

That was the first time
I was hearing that word.

I thought teetotaler meant somebody

that just goes about talking.

"You must be a teetotaler. Sit down!"

Is it an insult?

"You're a stupid teetotaler. Sit down!"

[chuckles] That was him.

Then, the second guy...
This guy, I love him so much

because he was the first guy...

He was our drama coordinator

and he was also our further maths teacher.

[crowd murmurs]

Mad combo.

And I was a further maths student

and I was also
the president of the drama club.

So, I was like his favorite.

He was the first person
that brought me to Muson, by the way.

[crowd sympathizing, clapping]

And so, he was very emotional

when I told him about this show

that's happening
in Muson and I invited him.

I think he's somewhere here.

Please, a round of applause
for Mr. Afoleyin.

[crowd cheering wildly]

I love you so much.

Now, I can Yab, you now, so...

I can yab you, Mr. Afoleyin.

This is how he talks.

Very gentle man,
but if you see when he's teaching...

[speaks gibberish] "That's the point."

[crowd laughs, claps]

"That's what I'm talking about."

"That's further maths!"

"Hey, hey, hey. Obey before complain."

"On your knees. Hey, hey, hey."

Sir... I'll be like...

Everywhere is quiet. "Hey!"

"Sir, I hear your voice."

[cheering intensifies]

Mr. Afoleyin can insult.

I remember one time,

we were preparing... And it was Dansol that

taught me to develop thick skin.

That's why nothing... Like if you yab me,

I'm always very excited. It's fine.

I like it. We used to throw jabs.

One time, we were preparing
for inter-house sports.

So, he was trying to clear the tracks.

He saw one guy there.
"Hey, leave that place!

We're picking the best here."

Huh?

[crowd laughs]

The yab is not what will pain you.

What will pain you is one of my friends.

His name is David. All he does in his life

is to make insults pain you.

[crowd laughs]

This is what he does.

[in Yoruba, screeching] "Wow!"

"He was messed up!"

[in English] Very useless boy. David.

[in Yoruba, screeching] "Wow!"

"He was messed up!"

That's all he does.

One day, one guy... [chuckles]
In summer school,

one boy came into class.

Mr. Afoleyin was teaching further maths.

Small boy, smallish looking.

Just came into class. Sir said, "Hello.

This is SS3."

[crowd laughs]

He said, "Yes I know."

"And it's further maths."

[crowd laughs]

David. [screeches]
"Wow! He was messed up!"

There was also one teacher that I liked.

Mr. Faleye. Geography teacher.

Very... Very boring class.

[crowd laughs]

This is how he talks. "By virtue of

the fact that the number of

people living at the center of

a place is not a measure of

the power of the people and feature
of the environment.

I think you get it now." Get what?

[crowd laughs]

One day...

One day, he was in class.

The class was boring, as usual.

"By virtue of the fact
that the number of..."

I didn't know what entered me.
I just went, "Sir."

He said, "Yes. Salako, ask your question."

[clears throat] "I'm teaching,
you're laughing?"

"Only God will have mercy upon you."

What is mercy upon?

I said, "Sir."

True life story. This thing happened.

I said, "Sir." [laughs]

"Anybody that reads
geography in the university,

where can the person work?"
He was so excited.

"That's a very good question.

- You can work anywhere.
- [crowd laughs]

You can work in airline.

You can even work in oil company."

And I said, "So why are you...? Okay."

[crowd laughs]

He would not have known.

But David...

[screeching, in Yoruba] "Wow!"

"Wow! He was messed up!"

"Come out here. You are not okay."

[crowd laughs]

But he was not only teacher to students.

Student to student, we had that

because everybody had...

And it was in Dansol that I learnt
that all of us have weaknesses

and the earlier
we laughed at them, the better.

Everybody had one weakness or the other.

There was one guy,

we used to call him Bobade.

He seemed like, I don't know.

For some reason,
he was always the last to pay school fees.

But this guy, he was like a prince.

He was a prince. I guess he was a prince.

Like heir to the throne.

How come?

He'll just be the last to pay school fees.

One time we changed uniforms.

And you know,
when you're changing uniforms,

they just fizzle out the old ones.
Then, everybody gradually...

So, we're just gathering around.

He was an Arsenal fan,

and that time, Arsenal used to lose.

[crowd laughs, jeering]

So, they had lost
against Barcelona at the final.

We were just teasing him, laughing.

But he was the only one
wearing the old school uniform.

All of us were wearing
the new school uniform.

We're just laughing at Arsenal.

Next thing,

Reverend Dr. Theophilus Famuyide
just came.

"Why are you people laughing at Bobade?"

"My brother,
it shall be well with your finances."

[crowd laughs]

So, we all knew
unique things about each other.

I had a friend.

The guy that named me SLK, actually,

Charles Lawson.

It was back then, in school.

He was a smart guy.

But he had crossed eyes, strabismus.

So we used to tease him, you know.

Everybody used to
tease people with what they had.

There was one guy... When we were in school,

he was not, like, sensitive about it,
but I don't know about now,

so. I'll hide his name.

Let's just call him "Femi".

Femi's parents were divorced,

so he used to live with his mom.

And so, we all had that unique thing
that we used to tease each other.

I remember,

in class, English class,

we were learning figures of speech.

"Simile.

Simile is when you compare
two words side by side.

For example, as clear as crystal.

Who can give me an example?"

Femi wanted to be notorious.

He raised his hand.

"Bobade is as poor as a church rat."

[crowd laughs]

Bobade said, "Well played."

[crowd laughs]

"Next one. Euphemism.

Euphemism is when you make
something really terrible sound okay."

"For example,

his performance left much to be desired of

instead of the performance was terrible."

"Who can give me an example?"

Bobade raised his hand.

"Femi's mother is a woman of the town."

What pained me was that
the teacher said, "Correct!"

[crowd laughs]

Now, I can never forget this day.

Vividly. I remember this.

Femi is always
looking for trouble. [laughs]

Femi was walking on the corridor.

Then,

Charles was also coming.

Don't forget Charles.

Femi felt the need to just say,
"Which way, which way?"

[crowd laughs]

Charles just replied immediately,

"Which way
to your father's house, which way?"

- [laughter]
- David...

[screeching, in Yoruba]
"Wow! He was messed up!"

But I'm still close to
a lot of them, I mean.

But years later,

our prayer is that
we should not see our mates and hide.

[crowd] Yes.

There's always that guy
that feels he has, first of all, made it.

It is always the useless guy
that calls for reunion.

Many years down the line,

one guy called Ikenna Okeke,
he's now like an architect in the US,

just said, "Wow, let's have... I miss..."

Why was it when you were successful

that you now discovered that you miss us,

and that time I was really struggling.

I was still struggling.
I was a struggling comedian.

You know, when you are jumping buses

and you're like a comedian... [laughs]

If you are like a banker

or maybe you're a tech guy

or something IT, it is easier to say.

Like you're looking scruffy.
But they'll ask, "What do you do?"

You'll say, "I'm a tech guy." "Oh, nice.

I like your hustle.

I like your work ethic."

But you're coming down from the bus,
your shirt is already, and they're like,

"What do you do?"
"I'm a comedian." [laughs]

"You're a funny boy."

So, I was wondering,
what am I going to do?

These guys are already successful.
They're already made.

It's always that guy.

We just gathered, everybody was like,

"Oh, good to see you. Good to see you."

There's one, useless boy,
Kesiena Akpovwome,

just felt the need to say,

"Why don't we all
introduce ourselves and where we work?"

[crowd laughs]

Have you ever formed
a name on the spot before?

But he said, "I'll go first.

My name is Kesiena Akpovwome.

I work with Andela."

[crowd] Hey!

Another guy just came.

"My name is...

Ikenna Okeke. I'm an architect in the US."

[crowd murmurs]

Yeah, it's you. You.

"My name is Olusalako.

[smacks lips] I work in, uhm...

Do Orleans."

[crowd laughs]

They were about to move on.

That useless Kes,

"I didn't get that, I didn't get that."

[crowd laughs]

I said, "My name is Olusalako.

I work in fu orlean."

He said, "Sorry. Can you be more...

more audible, please?"

I said, "Guy, open your ear.
We don't have time.

My name is Olusalako.

I work in Kuorleans."

[crowd laughs]

Ah, but after a while now,

you know, Brother Wasiu boomed.

[people shouting happily]

People were now shouting
"Omo re bi custard" everywhere.

I was looking better.

I did TGIF. It was on Amazon Prime.
It was in the cinemas.

[crowd clapping, cheering]

Everything was soft.

[in Pidgin] At that time, it was me...

[in English] "Hello, everybody.
Let's gather."

I mean, I miss these guys.

"Let's do it big.
Let's even invite the teachers."

But many years down the line,
it was fun to discover that

everybody still had the same thing.

For example, Charles still missed his way.

- You know, just...
- [laughter]

So, the reunion venue,

we had some of our teachers around.

While we were gathering
and exchanging pleasantries,

"I'm a comedian.
You already know me. Oh, sorry."

[cheering, clapping]

Next thing, we just heard from nowhere,

[in Yoruba] "♪ Oh, great king! ♪"

Bobade has become a king. Wow!

[crowd laughs, cheering, clapping]

We should have seen that coming.

Everybody was back.

Mr. Afoleyin was there, "Hey!"

[crowd laughs]

He was talking
to the praise singer, "Hey!"

[crowd laughs]

The next thing, I was

standing behind, I just heard

Reverend Dr. Theophilus Famuyide,

"Salako, how are you doing now?

You know, I was warning you that time.

Yeah! I was warning you. Warning you.

You were just
soliloquizing your parents' money."

[crowd laughs]

"Just soliloquizing your parents' money."

Apparently, I don't think he watches TV.

[crowd laughs]

"So, now tell us.

Tell us. What do you do now?

What do you do with your life?"

Just remembered. [scoffs]

"Actually,

in your words,

I'm a teetotaler."

[cheering, clapping]

- David. [screeching]
- [crowd cheering]

You guys have been fantastic.

Thank you so much
for coming out. God bless you.

-[cheering intensifies]
-[upbeat music]

[upbeat feel-good music]

Subtitle translation by: Adefoluke Adebayo

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