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1
00:00:00,991 --> 00:00:03,325
♪♪
2
00:00:05,327 --> 00:00:07,798
-This is nice.
Just the boys.
3
00:00:07,831 --> 00:00:09,632
-And you ruined it.
4
00:00:09,665 --> 00:00:12,234
-All right, people, we knew this
day was coming, and it's here.
5
00:00:12,268 --> 00:00:14,236
Straighten your ties
and cover your thighs.
6
00:00:14,270 --> 00:00:15,939
-Oh, no, I have a note
from my doctor
7
00:00:15,972 --> 00:00:19,910
that says my thighs can
be uncovered in the workplace.
8
00:00:19,943 --> 00:00:21,444
-Unh-unh. Not tonight.
9
00:00:21,477 --> 00:00:23,747
Gurgs just told me
that Dr. Nitelife is coming.
10
00:00:23,780 --> 00:00:25,548
And since I take
on other people's energies,
11
00:00:25,581 --> 00:00:27,616
I'm freaking out.
-Who's Dr. Nitelife?
12
00:00:27,650 --> 00:00:29,251
-Dr. Nitelife...
-Not a real name.
13
00:00:29,285 --> 00:00:30,653
-...is an obnoxious
TikTok influencer...
14
00:00:30,686 --> 00:00:32,122
-Not a real job.
15
00:00:32,155 --> 00:00:33,724
-...who goes around
making fun of places.
16
00:00:33,757 --> 00:00:36,492
-Not a -- [ Laughs ] Not a bad
way to spend a day.
17
00:00:36,525 --> 00:00:38,427
-Last time he was here,
he put us on the list
18
00:00:38,461 --> 00:00:39,996
of New York's biggest circuses.
19
00:00:40,030 --> 00:00:43,232
We were ahead of a real circus.
20
00:00:43,265 --> 00:00:46,335
-I mean, he's not wrong.
We do have Sheila.
21
00:00:49,438 --> 00:00:51,842
-I bet that's a macchia-toe.
[ Snorts ]
22
00:00:53,710 --> 00:00:56,747
Come on, guys,
that was a good one.
23
00:00:56,780 --> 00:00:58,849
Sheila gotta go,
along with everything else
24
00:00:58,882 --> 00:01:00,349
that makes this place weird.
25
00:01:00,382 --> 00:01:01,885
I can't end up on
that list again.
26
00:01:01,918 --> 00:01:04,320
-Gurgs, aren't you
taking this a little personally?
27
00:01:04,353 --> 00:01:06,388
-None of you were here.
You don't understand.
28
00:01:06,422 --> 00:01:09,993
He called me a fail-iff,
Dan, fail-iff!
29
00:01:10,026 --> 00:01:12,428
-Okay, I say this
as your friend.
30
00:01:12,461 --> 00:01:15,431
I'm probably going to use that.
31
00:01:15,464 --> 00:01:17,666
-#fail-iff was huge.
32
00:01:17,701 --> 00:01:19,736
Is this video you trying
to tackle a streaker
33
00:01:19,770 --> 00:01:21,071
covered in butter?
34
00:01:21,104 --> 00:01:24,540
-He tasted like a lobster roll.
35
00:01:24,573 --> 00:01:26,609
But that's not going
to happen this year.
36
00:01:26,642 --> 00:01:28,277
I'm locking down our crazy.
37
00:01:28,310 --> 00:01:29,813
We're going to have a nice,
38
00:01:29,846 --> 00:01:32,883
bland evening on account
of my secret weapon.
39
00:01:32,916 --> 00:01:35,786
-It's me. I'm a secret weapon.
-[ Giggles ] More of that.
40
00:01:35,819 --> 00:01:38,654
Influencers hate genuine
enthusiasm.
41
00:01:38,687 --> 00:01:42,291
Almost as much as they hate
my other secret weapon.
42
00:01:42,324 --> 00:01:45,028
Lame dads.
43
00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:49,365
-Would a lame dad have
this cool leather bracelet?
44
00:01:49,398 --> 00:01:51,101
-Look, I love this place,
45
00:01:51,134 --> 00:01:53,569
but sometimes I'd like it if it
were a little less this place.
46
00:01:53,602 --> 00:01:56,539
So, for one night only,
let's have no big surprises.
47
00:01:56,572 --> 00:01:59,508
-Nobody move! I have a bomb!
48
00:01:59,542 --> 00:02:02,879
JK. I'm just here
to pick something up.
49
00:02:02,913 --> 00:02:05,681
-Put me down, Heather.
I'm a secret weapon.
50
00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:09,518
-Wow. Crazy Heather's
still alive.
51
00:02:09,552 --> 00:02:12,688
I owe you guys $50.
52
00:02:12,722 --> 00:02:16,793
-The only thing
I'm crazy about is my new baby.
53
00:02:16,827 --> 00:02:19,729
Oh, shoot. I left him strapped
to the changing table.
54
00:02:19,763 --> 00:02:21,564
Mom brain. BRB.
55
00:02:24,034 --> 00:02:27,103
So, no one's gonna
ask about my cool bracelet?
56
00:02:29,306 --> 00:02:34,077
♪♪
57
00:02:34,110 --> 00:02:37,147
-So this is your baby?
Like, you gave birth to him?
58
00:02:37,180 --> 00:02:39,749
This isn't a finders
keepers situation?
59
00:02:39,783 --> 00:02:43,485
-Nope. He's mine.
His name is DiGiorno.
60
00:02:43,519 --> 00:02:45,088
I named him after the pizza
I was eating
61
00:02:45,121 --> 00:02:47,958
when he was conceived.
62
00:02:47,991 --> 00:02:50,327
-Guess this is why I haven't
heard from you in nine months.
63
00:02:50,359 --> 00:02:51,795
I thought maybe you were mad
at me
64
00:02:51,828 --> 00:02:53,629
for throwing your whale tail
in jail.
65
00:02:53,662 --> 00:02:55,664
-You throwing my whale tail
in jail
66
00:02:55,699 --> 00:02:57,868
was just the wake-up
call I needed.
67
00:02:57,901 --> 00:03:00,770
I realized I had to start
acting like a grown-up.
68
00:03:00,804 --> 00:03:04,540
And what's more
grown up than getting pregnant?
69
00:03:04,573 --> 00:03:06,642
-I might have started
with Sudoku.
70
00:03:06,675 --> 00:03:09,212
You don't have to keep
Sudoku alive.
71
00:03:09,246 --> 00:03:11,047
-Ooh, my boobs are barking.
72
00:03:11,081 --> 00:03:14,251
I got to pop off another couple
dozen bottles for this bruiser.
73
00:03:14,284 --> 00:03:16,119
He eats like The Rock
on cheat day.
74
00:03:16,152 --> 00:03:17,553
You're good with babies, right?
75
00:03:17,586 --> 00:03:20,090
-Oh, yeah. Me likey the babies.
76
00:03:20,123 --> 00:03:22,993
-Oh, there's one spot on his
head that will kill him.
77
00:03:23,026 --> 00:03:25,594
Don't touch it. Bye!
78
00:03:28,331 --> 00:03:32,102
-So, um,
what kind of books are you into?
79
00:03:33,602 --> 00:03:36,273
-Wow. You finally meet a man
who's shorter than you,
80
00:03:36,306 --> 00:03:38,141
and you're blowing it.
81
00:03:38,174 --> 00:03:40,911
-I just don't know how to start
a conversation with a baby.
82
00:03:40,944 --> 00:03:42,611
-That's surprising.
83
00:03:42,645 --> 00:03:44,413
I figured you'd be a pile
of mush by now.
84
00:03:44,446 --> 00:03:48,184
Yeah, who's Abby's little yummy,
scrummy chummy?
85
00:03:48,218 --> 00:03:50,720
Things of that nature.
86
00:03:50,754 --> 00:03:52,621
-Just because I look like Dawn
87
00:03:52,655 --> 00:03:55,658
from "The Baby-Sitters Club"
doesn't mean I love babies.
88
00:03:55,692 --> 00:03:58,427
The truth is, I just
don't get the whole baby thing.
89
00:03:58,460 --> 00:04:00,096
But if you say that to people,
90
00:04:00,130 --> 00:04:01,698
they act like there's
something wrong with you.
91
00:04:01,731 --> 00:04:03,400
-Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I get the same reaction
92
00:04:03,432 --> 00:04:04,935
when I tell people
I don't like kittens.
93
00:04:04,968 --> 00:04:09,039
-You don't like kittens?
What's wrong with you?
94
00:04:09,072 --> 00:04:12,641
-They sense death, Abby.
95
00:04:12,675 --> 00:04:15,779
Nothing cute about
the dark magic.
96
00:04:15,812 --> 00:04:18,281
-Yeah, well, babies bring
nothing to the table.
97
00:04:18,315 --> 00:04:20,150
I mean, kids, kids are fun.
98
00:04:20,183 --> 00:04:24,154
They do stuff, but babies just
sit there all high and mighty.
99
00:04:24,187 --> 00:04:25,855
When they cry on planes,
100
00:04:25,889 --> 00:04:27,958
the flight attendant brings
around extra pretzels.
101
00:04:27,991 --> 00:04:30,894
When I cry, they make
me shut off "The Notebook."
102
00:04:32,594 --> 00:04:35,999
I mean, what is anyone
even supposed to do with this...
103
00:04:36,032 --> 00:04:38,201
yummy chummy scrummy?
104
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:39,803
I was just telling Dan
105
00:04:39,836 --> 00:04:41,670
I want to braise those
little ham hocks in a Crock-Pot
106
00:04:41,705 --> 00:04:45,308
I got at a bargain aisle
at a TJ Maxx.
107
00:04:45,342 --> 00:04:47,444
-Ugh. Can you guys believe it?
108
00:04:47,476 --> 00:04:51,214
My travel pump exploded.
Can't handle my flow.
109
00:04:51,247 --> 00:04:53,817
-And with that, adieu.
110
00:04:55,819 --> 00:04:57,787
-What's his deal?
He still mad
111
00:04:57,821 --> 00:04:59,723
I didn't call him back
after our date?
112
00:04:59,756 --> 00:05:01,958
-When someone is your lawyer,
it doesn't count as a date.
113
00:05:01,992 --> 00:05:04,027
-But --
-I know you're both dressed up.
114
00:05:04,060 --> 00:05:05,261
Still doesn't count.
115
00:05:09,531 --> 00:05:12,002
-Your Honor, my client told
her family for years
116
00:05:12,035 --> 00:05:14,437
that she was in "The Lion King."
So when they came to town,
117
00:05:14,471 --> 00:05:16,406
what choice did she have
118
00:05:16,439 --> 00:05:20,710
but to sneak on stage
dressed as a gnu?
119
00:05:20,744 --> 00:05:23,780
-She caused a stampede
that trampled a father,
120
00:05:23,813 --> 00:05:25,849
forcing his son
to live with a warthog
121
00:05:25,882 --> 00:05:28,184
and his meerkat "boyfriend."
122
00:05:28,218 --> 00:05:30,619
-$100 fine.
123
00:05:30,652 --> 00:05:32,288
Next time, let your parents down
124
00:05:32,322 --> 00:05:35,859
the old-fashioned way,
with a tattoo.
125
00:05:35,892 --> 00:05:38,695
-Deej, let this be a lesson.
That lady's only crime
126
00:05:38,728 --> 00:05:41,498
was getting caught.
127
00:05:41,530 --> 00:05:43,733
-Okay, girls, to get ready
for Dr. Nitelife,
128
00:05:43,767 --> 00:05:46,703
I pushed the rest of
the freaky cases, but be warned,
129
00:05:46,736 --> 00:05:48,738
tomorrow night will be weird.
130
00:05:48,772 --> 00:05:51,808
You're going to want
to put down some tarps.
131
00:05:51,841 --> 00:05:54,444
-Well, I appreciate the help,
Wyatt.
132
00:05:54,477 --> 00:05:56,612
-What? I am being so boring.
133
00:05:56,645 --> 00:05:58,281
We just had "Lion King"
on trial,
134
00:05:58,314 --> 00:06:01,217
and I didn't do one voice,
and I could do all of them.
135
00:06:01,251 --> 00:06:03,353
"Simba."
136
00:06:03,386 --> 00:06:04,921
"Dad!"
137
00:06:04,954 --> 00:06:10,493
"And I'm the lion
that's for some reason British."
138
00:06:10,527 --> 00:06:12,462
-But why is Crazy Heather
still here?
139
00:06:12,495 --> 00:06:14,330
I spent a lot of time
weeding out all the nuts
140
00:06:14,364 --> 00:06:15,664
from the gallery.
141
00:06:15,698 --> 00:06:17,267
You, show me your hand.
142
00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,071
The other one.
143
00:06:27,777 --> 00:06:29,779
But none of that matters
if Dr. Nitelife gets a video
144
00:06:29,813 --> 00:06:32,348
of me tackling your wild friend
and her baby.
145
00:06:32,382 --> 00:06:34,050
-Fine. I'll ask her to leave.
146
00:06:34,084 --> 00:06:35,885
I'm just waiting for
the right moment.
147
00:06:35,919 --> 00:06:38,555
And she's talking to Dan.
The moment has arrived.
148
00:06:38,587 --> 00:06:40,857
-Hey, Papa Smurf, you look wise.
149
00:06:40,890 --> 00:06:43,592
Any advice for my
little deep dish?
150
00:06:43,625 --> 00:06:46,129
-You can file for emancipation
at age eight.
151
00:06:46,162 --> 00:06:48,798
Do it.
152
00:06:48,832 --> 00:06:51,434
And some advice for you.
Get your phone out of my face.
153
00:06:51,468 --> 00:06:53,403
-Oh. It's actually
DiGiorno's phone.
154
00:06:53,436 --> 00:06:56,172
It's an Android. What a nerd.
155
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,776
-Heather, I can't believe
you're wasting your one night
156
00:06:59,809 --> 00:07:01,711
in the city
cooped up here with a baby.
157
00:07:01,744 --> 00:07:03,580
You should go out, have fun.
158
00:07:03,612 --> 00:07:05,181
-Oh, Abby.
You really don't mind?
159
00:07:05,215 --> 00:07:07,717
-Oh, no. Come on,
get out of here, you.
160
00:07:07,750 --> 00:07:10,854
-Oh, thank you so much.
I really need a night out.
161
00:07:10,887 --> 00:07:13,523
Okay, I'm going to go
to the club
162
00:07:13,556 --> 00:07:16,192
and let these boobs do
what they were made for.
163
00:07:16,226 --> 00:07:19,496
-Oh, no. No, I didn't mean --
-Oh, you're not mean at all.
164
00:07:19,529 --> 00:07:21,931
Real quick.
"Waah!" means he's hungry.
165
00:07:21,965 --> 00:07:26,603
"Waah" means he's sleepy.
And "waah!" means he's happy.
166
00:07:26,635 --> 00:07:28,505
-He screams when he's happy?
167
00:07:28,538 --> 00:07:31,107
-Oh, yeah, he screams all
the time. You're gonna love it.
168
00:07:32,942 --> 00:07:36,279
-Good news.
Got rid of crazy Heather.
169
00:07:36,312 --> 00:07:38,481
[ DiGiorno cries ]
170
00:07:38,515 --> 00:07:40,750
And that's the end
of the good news.
171
00:07:44,721 --> 00:07:46,422
-All right, Wyatt, I lost
Abby to a baby,
172
00:07:46,456 --> 00:07:48,958
so you're going to have to bore
Dr. Nitelife all by yourself.
173
00:07:48,992 --> 00:07:50,793
-I don't know if I'm your guy,
Gurgs.
174
00:07:50,827 --> 00:07:52,862
I just read a pretty
interesting article about
175
00:07:52,896 --> 00:07:54,931
when to marinate
or went to rub your ribs.
176
00:07:54,964 --> 00:07:58,535
Spoiler alert -- always rub.
177
00:07:58,568 --> 00:08:00,136
-Why aren't you asking me
for help?
178
00:08:00,170 --> 00:08:03,473
-Because I need someone normal
for this job.
179
00:08:03,506 --> 00:08:05,674
-You don't think I'm normal?
180
00:08:07,944 --> 00:08:10,180
It's because of my head,
isn't it?
181
00:08:10,213 --> 00:08:14,250
I'm too bald.
Your words, not mine.
182
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:21,925
-The doctor is in,
and I need 10 cc of rizz.
183
00:08:21,958 --> 00:08:24,727
Luckily, we just got to the
dumbest place I've ever seen.
184
00:08:24,761 --> 00:08:28,665
Oh, and here's our
favorite fail-iff!
185
00:08:28,698 --> 00:08:30,266
[ Laughs ]
186
00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:33,937
What kind of circus
do you have for me this year?
187
00:08:33,970 --> 00:08:35,972
Why is it boring in here?
188
00:08:36,005 --> 00:08:39,642
Where are my tweakers, freakers,
and hot-butted streakers?
189
00:08:39,676 --> 00:08:41,844
-Well, Doc,
sorry to disappoint you,
190
00:08:41,878 --> 00:08:44,581
but I don't think you'll be
seeing anything freaky tonight.
191
00:08:44,614 --> 00:08:47,083
Certainly not behind you.
192
00:08:48,818 --> 00:08:51,688
-Hi.
-Hi. Hi. I'm Wyatt.
193
00:08:51,721 --> 00:08:53,356
I'll be giving you a tour
of this courthouse.
194
00:08:53,389 --> 00:08:55,124
Let's start in the hallway.
195
00:08:55,158 --> 00:08:57,594
Did you know that hallways
weren't invented until 1597?
196
00:08:57,627 --> 00:08:59,395
I learned that on a documentary
197
00:08:59,429 --> 00:09:02,265
that Ken Burns called
his greatest mistake.
198
00:09:05,435 --> 00:09:07,103
-Get a room, you two.
199
00:09:07,136 --> 00:09:10,306
And when you're done, put those
things through the wash on hot.
200
00:09:12,575 --> 00:09:14,110
[ DiGiorno crying ]
201
00:09:14,143 --> 00:09:17,981
-Do you like this?
Is this fun for you?
202
00:09:18,014 --> 00:09:21,818
Okay, okay. It's not my fault
you're too dumb for fun toys.
203
00:09:21,851 --> 00:09:24,787
-I got to say, I sure hope this
goes better
204
00:09:24,821 --> 00:09:27,890
than when you fostered
that little squirrel.
205
00:09:27,924 --> 00:09:29,492
I've never seen
an animal so willing to jump
206
00:09:29,525 --> 00:09:31,294
in front of a garbage truck.
207
00:09:31,327 --> 00:09:35,265
-That was not my fault.
Zippers was born sad.
208
00:09:35,298 --> 00:09:37,133
-I hate to be
a backseat babysitter,
209
00:09:37,166 --> 00:09:39,737
but you plan on doing
anything about the crying?
210
00:09:39,769 --> 00:09:42,205
-I don't get it.
I fed him, I changed him.
211
00:09:42,238 --> 00:09:45,008
He has his phone.
212
00:09:45,041 --> 00:09:46,976
-I'm starting to believe
that you don't like babies
213
00:09:47,010 --> 00:09:51,114
because babies
don't-a like-a you.
214
00:09:51,147 --> 00:09:53,283
-I've met tons of babies
who love me.
215
00:09:53,316 --> 00:09:57,320
-Oh, oh, hey. Got a fun game.
Name one.
216
00:09:59,222 --> 00:10:01,524
-Um, well, um,
there was this baby
217
00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:03,259
at a beach once who shot
me a look
218
00:10:03,293 --> 00:10:06,596
when a dog was trying to pull
down its swim trunks, so...
219
00:10:06,629 --> 00:10:09,065
-That's a Coppertone ad.
220
00:10:09,098 --> 00:10:10,867
-Okay.
221
00:10:10,900 --> 00:10:12,635
So I've never met a baby
who likes me,
222
00:10:12,669 --> 00:10:14,537
but that's just
because I haven't tried.
223
00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:18,474
If I turned on the charm, this
baby would be obsessed with me.
224
00:10:18,508 --> 00:10:20,778
Watch.
225
00:10:20,810 --> 00:10:23,913
Where's Aunt Abby?
There I am.
226
00:10:23,946 --> 00:10:26,649
-[ Screams ]
-Oh, jeez! [ Gasps ]
227
00:10:26,683 --> 00:10:28,518
-I thought you disappeared.
228
00:10:28,551 --> 00:10:30,420
Don't ever do that again.
229
00:10:32,790 --> 00:10:35,058
-Interesting fact
about this courthouse.
230
00:10:35,091 --> 00:10:36,794
You know "12 Angry Men"?
231
00:10:36,826 --> 00:10:38,628
"Runaway Jury"?
"Legally Blonde"?
232
00:10:38,661 --> 00:10:40,963
None of them were shot here.
233
00:10:40,997 --> 00:10:44,100
-This is the most boring tour
I've ever been on,
234
00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:46,302
and I just got back from
the "Sex and the City" tour
235
00:10:46,336 --> 00:10:48,338
that was all Steve.
236
00:10:48,371 --> 00:10:51,474
-Sorry this isn't going the way
you wanted to, Doc.
237
00:10:51,507 --> 00:10:53,876
Might want to call it
an early night...life.
238
00:10:53,910 --> 00:10:55,278
[ Laughs ]
239
00:10:55,311 --> 00:10:56,979
See, I can use your name
against you, too.
240
00:10:57,013 --> 00:10:58,915
Am I right...life?
241
00:10:58,948 --> 00:11:00,483
-I don't know.
242
00:11:00,516 --> 00:11:02,952
The bald guy with wigs
for hand seems promising.
243
00:11:02,985 --> 00:11:07,090
-Gurgs, I have a decision
that is life or death.
244
00:11:07,123 --> 00:11:09,425
-It'll be death if you don't
get back in that courtroom.
245
00:11:12,796 --> 00:11:15,431
Wyatt, why don't you tell
the doctor
246
00:11:15,465 --> 00:11:18,401
that never-ending anecdote you
had about print media?
247
00:11:18,434 --> 00:11:19,902
-Oh.
-[ Laughs ]
248
00:11:19,936 --> 00:11:21,739
-[ Chuckling giddily ]
249
00:11:21,772 --> 00:11:23,639
Yeah. To get the full context,
250
00:11:23,673 --> 00:11:25,809
you'll need a list of my
favorite magazine subscriptions
251
00:11:25,843 --> 00:11:27,910
in order
of publishing frequency.
252
00:11:27,944 --> 00:11:31,647
"People."
That's once a week.
253
00:11:31,681 --> 00:11:33,349
-Why do you have wigs?
254
00:11:33,383 --> 00:11:37,587
-Because I heard you loud
and clear about my weird head.
255
00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:39,055
-Get to the point, Murray.
256
00:11:39,088 --> 00:11:40,957
-Oh, which hair is
the most normal?
257
00:11:40,990 --> 00:11:43,993
Don King or Larry King?
258
00:11:45,094 --> 00:11:47,130
-Neither.
Just look like a lawyer.
259
00:11:47,163 --> 00:11:50,466
-This would have been
helpful to know $3,000 ago.
260
00:11:52,135 --> 00:11:54,937
-Now, "Bon Appétit,"
that's once a month.
261
00:11:54,971 --> 00:11:57,808
-Look, I know the fail-iff's
only using you
262
00:11:57,841 --> 00:11:59,375
as some boring smokescreen,
263
00:11:59,409 --> 00:12:02,178
but you don't want to be
this way.
264
00:12:02,211 --> 00:12:03,847
-I don't?
265
00:12:03,881 --> 00:12:05,816
-Let me guess.
The lady at the store said
266
00:12:05,849 --> 00:12:08,384
that bracelet would make
you look so cool?
267
00:12:09,585 --> 00:12:12,823
-I knew it was a risk,
but she had a nose ring.
268
00:12:12,856 --> 00:12:14,825
-You show me the good stuff,
269
00:12:14,858 --> 00:12:17,994
and I'll show you things people
want to hear you talk about.
270
00:12:18,027 --> 00:12:21,564
Like an underground rooftop.
271
00:12:21,597 --> 00:12:25,034
A nudie pumpkin patch
that's only open in July.
272
00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:27,871
A fight club where you
can fight a real Ninja Turtle.
273
00:12:27,905 --> 00:12:29,773
-[ Gasps ]
274
00:12:29,807 --> 00:12:31,909
-You'd like that, wouldn't you?
275
00:12:31,974 --> 00:12:35,044
-I can't.
I told Gurgs I would help her.
276
00:12:35,077 --> 00:12:37,447
-I think it's time
you help yourself.
277
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,383
-That's what
the nose ring girl said!
278
00:12:44,922 --> 00:12:46,322
-[ DiGiorno crying ]
-All right, baby,
279
00:12:46,355 --> 00:12:48,491
I don't like you,
and you don't like me.
280
00:12:48,524 --> 00:12:51,561
It says here babies
like high contrast.
281
00:12:51,594 --> 00:12:54,363
So get ready to be dazzled.
282
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,435
Your cradle will rock!
283
00:12:59,469 --> 00:13:01,170
-[ Laughs ]
284
00:13:01,204 --> 00:13:03,473
-Oh! Oh, you like that.
285
00:13:03,506 --> 00:13:06,275
-[ Whines ]
286
00:13:06,309 --> 00:13:09,445
-Uh-oh, put the mask back on.
Your face is upsetting it.
287
00:13:10,714 --> 00:13:12,315
-So nice of you to weigh in
288
00:13:12,348 --> 00:13:15,117
when I've been raising
this baby all by myself.
289
00:13:15,151 --> 00:13:17,220
I had dreams, too, you know.
290
00:13:17,253 --> 00:13:20,122
It was going to be a dancer.
291
00:13:20,156 --> 00:13:21,591
-What are you talking about?
292
00:13:21,624 --> 00:13:23,226
-I don't know.
293
00:13:23,259 --> 00:13:25,094
I'm more tired
than I've ever been.
294
00:13:25,127 --> 00:13:26,830
Nothing is working.
295
00:13:26,864 --> 00:13:28,966
You know,
this has to be Heather's fault.
296
00:13:28,998 --> 00:13:31,300
She's crazy.
She spawned a crazy baby.
297
00:13:31,334 --> 00:13:33,569
This baby wouldn't like anyone.
298
00:13:33,603 --> 00:13:35,873
[ DiGiorno giggles ]
299
00:13:35,906 --> 00:13:37,908
-Seems to like me.
300
00:13:37,941 --> 00:13:40,076
-What? Huh? How?
301
00:13:40,109 --> 00:13:42,111
You did nothing
to deserve that giggle.
302
00:13:42,144 --> 00:13:45,782
-Maybe this baby is just
a very good judge of character.
303
00:13:45,816 --> 00:13:48,584
-Please. He's just smiling at
you because you're a novelty.
304
00:13:48,618 --> 00:13:51,254
He barely sees you.
You're never home.
305
00:13:52,655 --> 00:13:54,925
-You know what I think?
Aunt Abby might be jealous.
306
00:13:54,958 --> 00:13:56,760
Yes. You know what?
307
00:13:56,793 --> 00:13:59,897
She's having
an existential crisis.
308
00:13:59,930 --> 00:14:01,531
-I am not jealous.
309
00:14:01,564 --> 00:14:03,566
And if I were
to have an existential crisis,
310
00:14:03,599 --> 00:14:05,501
it would have been
when the dentist told me
311
00:14:05,535 --> 00:14:07,603
that my mouth was too small
for Invisalign.
312
00:14:08,906 --> 00:14:12,174
-You know what? I can't believe
how soft his little feet are.
313
00:14:12,208 --> 00:14:14,745
The wonderful smell.
[ Sniffs ]
314
00:14:14,778 --> 00:14:16,379
That is coming from him!
315
00:14:16,412 --> 00:14:18,314
-Well, you have fun hanging out
316
00:14:18,347 --> 00:14:20,283
when you don't even
know about the spot on his head
317
00:14:20,316 --> 00:14:22,618
that could kill him.
-You mean the fontanelle?
318
00:14:22,652 --> 00:14:24,520
-"Ooh. I'm Dan.
319
00:14:24,554 --> 00:14:26,255
I know all about parts
of the head
320
00:14:26,289 --> 00:14:28,792
because I dated
pediatric nurses in the '80s."
321
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:33,496
-Kimberly was my favorite.
322
00:14:36,198 --> 00:14:37,935
-Can I get you a coffee
to stay awake?
323
00:14:37,968 --> 00:14:39,736
Because nothing exciting
is coming.
324
00:14:39,770 --> 00:14:41,004
I made sure of that.
325
00:14:41,038 --> 00:14:42,505
-Well, first of all,
326
00:14:42,538 --> 00:14:45,608
I don't sleep on account
of horse cocaine.
327
00:14:45,641 --> 00:14:48,110
Second, I think things
could be freaking up.
328
00:14:48,144 --> 00:14:49,545
A baby just walked in
329
00:14:49,579 --> 00:14:51,681
with a golden bachelor
strapped to him.
330
00:14:54,885 --> 00:14:56,319
-What the hell is going on?
331
00:14:56,352 --> 00:14:57,955
Why is Dan doing court
with Heather's baby?
332
00:14:57,988 --> 00:15:00,323
-Because Heather's
baby prefers Dan to me.
333
00:15:00,356 --> 00:15:02,325
But that's fine, I don't care.
334
00:15:02,358 --> 00:15:04,861
I hope they smell each other's
heads until they choke on it.
335
00:15:06,329 --> 00:15:10,366
-Shh. The baby's happier
when he thinks you aren't here.
336
00:15:10,399 --> 00:15:12,803
-Cut it out.
This is all too interesting.
337
00:15:12,836 --> 00:15:16,238
-Don't worry, Gurgs,
I understood the assignment.
338
00:15:21,878 --> 00:15:23,245
-Why?
339
00:15:23,279 --> 00:15:25,615
-You told me
to look like a lawyer.
340
00:15:25,648 --> 00:15:28,819
She's called "lawyer."
341
00:15:28,852 --> 00:15:32,154
-I think we found your look.
342
00:15:32,188 --> 00:15:33,857
-Please tell me
this next case won't make
343
00:15:33,890 --> 00:15:36,425
us look like a circus.
-Sure.
344
00:15:36,459 --> 00:15:39,362
Just know,
if I ever were to betray you,
345
00:15:39,395 --> 00:15:41,464
it would be for a good reason.
346
00:15:42,966 --> 00:15:45,035
The people versus Bill Johnson.
347
00:15:45,068 --> 00:15:47,771
-This is a run-of-the-mill
parking violation.
348
00:15:47,804 --> 00:15:49,472
-Well, Your Honor, actually,
349
00:15:49,505 --> 00:15:51,440
the van that Mr. Johnson owns
is his place of business.
350
00:15:51,474 --> 00:15:53,309
-[ DiGiorno fussing ]
-Oh, yes, it is.
351
00:15:53,342 --> 00:15:55,979
It's a place of work.
352
00:15:56,013 --> 00:15:58,915
-Could the Counselor please use
his big boy voice in court?
353
00:15:58,949 --> 00:16:02,085
I'm sure it would be much
appreciated by the prosecutor.
354
00:16:02,119 --> 00:16:04,520
-What wig?
355
00:16:04,553 --> 00:16:06,622
-Judge, Mr. Johnson brought
witnesses.
356
00:16:06,656 --> 00:16:10,761
-Your Honor, Mr. Pecks
is an employee of Mr. Johnson.
357
00:16:10,794 --> 00:16:13,629
-You won't believe your eyes
when you see
358
00:16:13,663 --> 00:16:17,266
how much he can lift
with his nipples!
359
00:16:19,168 --> 00:16:22,271
-Wyatt, why is there
nipple talk?
360
00:16:24,507 --> 00:16:26,877
This guy runs an actual circus?
361
00:16:26,910 --> 00:16:28,477
-I'm sorry, Gurgs.
362
00:16:28,511 --> 00:16:30,379
Dr. Nitelife said he
would take me to cool places.
363
00:16:30,413 --> 00:16:33,683
A man can only build
so many bears.
364
00:16:34,617 --> 00:16:37,253
-Judge, I would like
to request a recess
365
00:16:37,286 --> 00:16:41,657
due to an unforgivable betrayal
by a spineless weasel.
366
00:16:41,692 --> 00:16:44,728
-Your honor, I seem
to have a situation, as well.
367
00:16:44,761 --> 00:16:46,662
A diaper situation.
368
00:16:46,697 --> 00:16:49,265
And I know
that your friend buys generic,
369
00:16:49,298 --> 00:16:51,802
so time is of the essence.
370
00:16:53,737 --> 00:16:55,604
-I really wish we could take
a break,
371
00:16:55,638 --> 00:16:57,708
but we need to get through
these witnesses.
372
00:16:57,741 --> 00:16:59,943
So send in the clowns.
373
00:16:59,976 --> 00:17:02,244
[ Circus music playing,
laughter ]
374
00:17:02,278 --> 00:17:05,782
[ Horns honking ]
375
00:17:09,552 --> 00:17:11,387
-Y'all get out of here
right now.
376
00:17:11,420 --> 00:17:12,989
I can tell by your space work
377
00:17:13,023 --> 00:17:14,991
none of you
are classically trained.
378
00:17:15,025 --> 00:17:20,329
-We got nips, we got flips,
we got exploding diapers!
379
00:17:20,362 --> 00:17:22,331
And who's right in the middle?
380
00:17:22,364 --> 00:17:26,002
The fail-iff!
Rock bottom alert.
381
00:17:26,036 --> 00:17:29,472
If you like this content, please
remember to like and follow.
382
00:17:29,505 --> 00:17:31,208
-You really have to take
this baby.
383
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,744
The odor actually
has a heat.
384
00:17:33,777 --> 00:17:35,644
-Yeah, well, maybe the smell
wouldn't be that bad
385
00:17:35,678 --> 00:17:37,748
if you weren't constantly
kissing that baby's ass.
386
00:17:37,781 --> 00:17:39,448
-You know what?
Why do you have to be
387
00:17:39,482 --> 00:17:40,851
more of a baby than the baby?
388
00:17:40,884 --> 00:17:42,219
-I have nothing in common
with that baby.
389
00:17:42,251 --> 00:17:43,552
That baby sucks!
390
00:17:43,586 --> 00:17:45,856
-[ Gasps ] You think
my baby sucks?
391
00:17:45,889 --> 00:17:49,325
You know what, Abby? You suck!
-No, don't!
392
00:17:54,998 --> 00:17:59,335
-Get your antibiotics,
'cause this is going viral!
393
00:18:00,937 --> 00:18:03,807
-Now your mommy has
two messes to clean up.
394
00:18:10,814 --> 00:18:14,483
-Heather, you're back.
How was the "clerb"?
395
00:18:15,618 --> 00:18:17,254
I'm sorry I said
that about the baby.
396
00:18:17,286 --> 00:18:18,587
Please don't be angry.
397
00:18:18,621 --> 00:18:20,523
-Why would you say
DiGiorno sucks?
398
00:18:20,556 --> 00:18:22,458
-Because there's something
wrong with me.
399
00:18:22,491 --> 00:18:24,426
I tried everything and
I couldn't get him to like me.
400
00:18:24,460 --> 00:18:26,062
When I'm with a baby,
401
00:18:26,096 --> 00:18:27,363
I don't know what
the hell to do.
402
00:18:27,396 --> 00:18:28,932
-No one does.
403
00:18:28,965 --> 00:18:31,333
Why do you think I was
so desperate for a break?
404
00:18:31,367 --> 00:18:32,836
I didn't even do anything fun.
405
00:18:32,869 --> 00:18:36,807
I just went to the park
and ate a hot dog.
406
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,307
Then I got two more.
407
00:18:38,340 --> 00:18:41,044
Okay, I had four!
408
00:18:41,077 --> 00:18:44,047
I'm the worst mom in the world.
-Are you kidding?
409
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:46,283
From what I've seen,
you're a...
410
00:18:46,315 --> 00:18:49,219
surprisingly okay-ish mom.
411
00:18:49,252 --> 00:18:52,289
-You're just trying to be nice.
412
00:18:52,321 --> 00:18:54,323
Would a surprisingly
okay-ish mom
413
00:18:54,356 --> 00:18:56,960
have four more hot dogs
in her purse?
414
00:18:58,494 --> 00:19:00,329
-If one of them is for me,
415
00:19:00,362 --> 00:19:02,699
I'd upgrade you to
downright not bad.
416
00:19:02,732 --> 00:19:04,734
You must be doing
something right.
417
00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:08,404
You're raising a baby
that Dan Fielding likes.
418
00:19:08,437 --> 00:19:10,506
Are you cutting my hot dog?
419
00:19:10,539 --> 00:19:12,575
-I don't want you to choke.
I can lift you,
420
00:19:12,608 --> 00:19:15,544
but I can't flip you over
and slap you on the back.
421
00:19:17,546 --> 00:19:20,283
Holy crap. I am a great mom.
422
00:19:20,317 --> 00:19:22,685
I should teach a class.
423
00:19:22,719 --> 00:19:25,055
-Yeah. People would learn a lot.
424
00:19:25,088 --> 00:19:27,057
Like a field trip to a prison.
425
00:19:27,090 --> 00:19:29,125
-Just came to say good-bye.
426
00:19:29,159 --> 00:19:30,760
-Aww.
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
427
00:19:30,794 --> 00:19:32,461
-Okay.
428
00:19:34,363 --> 00:19:35,866
-Ciao, DiGiorno.
429
00:19:35,899 --> 00:19:38,101
And, listen, if you tell
anybody that we did this,
430
00:19:38,134 --> 00:19:40,569
I will just simply deny it.
431
00:19:40,603 --> 00:19:42,371
Boop.
432
00:19:42,404 --> 00:19:44,074
-All right, Deej,
433
00:19:44,107 --> 00:19:46,309
don't let the door hit you
in the diap on the way out.
434
00:19:46,343 --> 00:19:48,144
[ Raspberries ]
-[ Laughs ]
435
00:19:48,178 --> 00:19:50,379
-Ah! [ Raspberries ]
-[ Laughing ]
436
00:19:50,412 --> 00:19:53,049
-I did it! I won!
He likes me.
437
00:19:53,083 --> 00:19:55,618
-Oh. Good job. Boop!
438
00:19:57,754 --> 00:20:00,757
♪♪
439
00:20:00,790 --> 00:20:02,759
-Shoo, shoo.
440
00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:11,567
These clowns are worse
than the rats.
441
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,937
I have to go get
some more traps.
442
00:20:15,604 --> 00:20:17,741
I'm sure #fail-iff is trending
by now.
443
00:20:17,774 --> 00:20:20,110
I don't want to be
a Halloween costume again.
444
00:20:20,143 --> 00:20:21,745
-I do.
445
00:20:21,778 --> 00:20:23,847
I heard him call me
a "pros-e-cutie."
446
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:25,215
[ Chuckles ]
447
00:20:25,248 --> 00:20:27,717
Makes me blush
when I think about it.
448
00:20:28,885 --> 00:20:30,754
-Well, Dr. Nitelife
blew me off.
449
00:20:30,787 --> 00:20:34,057
He double-tapped me
and said, "Unsubscribe."
450
00:20:34,090 --> 00:20:37,593
-Congrats on blowing up
my TikTok again, Gregs.
451
00:20:37,626 --> 00:20:41,731
Check out the video.
Get ready to binge cringe.
452
00:20:41,765 --> 00:20:44,301
-I can't watch, but I can't not.
453
00:20:44,334 --> 00:20:47,404
[ Cacophony on video ]
454
00:20:47,436 --> 00:20:50,807
Wait, this is nothing
like the last time.
455
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:54,110
That was me looking
crazy all by myself.
456
00:20:55,477 --> 00:20:58,614
This is us looking
crazy all together.
457
00:20:59,481 --> 00:21:02,018
It's perfect.
-No, it's not perfect.
458
00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:04,586
It's embarrassing to you.
If it doesn't make you feel bad,
459
00:21:04,620 --> 00:21:06,923
how am I supposed to feel good?
I'm 35.
460
00:21:06,957 --> 00:21:10,794
It's too late for me to learn
how to love myself.
461
00:21:10,827 --> 00:21:13,662
-You know what?
Make all the videos you want.
462
00:21:13,697 --> 00:21:15,298
We've got nothing to hide.
463
00:21:15,332 --> 00:21:17,734
-And neither do I.
464
00:21:19,836 --> 00:21:24,174
♪♪
465
00:21:24,207 --> 00:21:25,175
-It's funny.
466
00:21:25,208 --> 00:21:28,912
♪♪
35502
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