Original subtitles

Frank, quit squirming. You're like, acting like a kid.

Hey, don't take too much off. I'm like fucking Samson.

All my strength comes from my luscious locks.

Okay. If you keep moving

I'm going to cut off more than your hair.

Hold still, God damn it!

- Oh! Pardon my reach! - Uh, hon--

Better to clean as you go than wait for a big mess.

Who are you, and what have you done with my pigpen girlfriend?

That was the Gotham me.

This is the Metropolis me,

the me that loves to get up super early to clean.

Meaning you woke up from another nightmare

about another skull, huh?

Ugh, I keep seeing that big-ass skull watching over me,

till suddenly it rockets down, I run for my life and bam!

I wake up covered in piss.

And now I'm rethinking my lovely snorkeling dream.

But nightmare piss ain't bringing me down.

Used my morning to set up our fancy new massage shower head.

Holy shit, I thought the energy laws banned these.

Which is why I ordered it off the dark web.

I mean, what's next on the Metropolis Harley's agenda?

Did the early morning clean,

so now I gotta clean the cleaning supplies

for the afternoon clean

plus a few hours with that there shower head.

She means she's gonna masturbate.

I got that, Frank.

- Shaun? - I hate my dad!

So I ran away to be with my cool, queer aunts.

Oh! You hear that? He called us "cool"!

- He thinks everything's cool - So cool!

I'll text King Shark.

I was playing with our cat, Ms. Mittens

and she disappeared, but my sister Annie told Dad

I ate Mittens.

But I'd never eat anything I wasn't supposed to.

He's gonna fucking eat me!

- Shaun, no! Off! Off! Down. - Okay.

King says, "Stuck dealing with the Octopus Empire uprising,

be there as soon as I crush their sultan."

No, no, no. We already have one child to take care of.

Who are you calling a child?

May be 10 in human years, but in plant years, I'm, uh, wait.

Plant years move faster, one, two, three...

Fuck! I'm 90!

Okay, Shaun, you need to go home.

- I can watch him. - I'm sorry,

you want to babysit again? I mean,

just 'cause of what happened last time.

Come on, Ives, that was different!

How much trouble can one little shark cause?

Right, Shaun? Shaun!

I didn't do it.

- Go for Bruce... - Bruce, our shower's broken.

And... so is your face?

Damn it. I can't figure out these stupid new filters.

Lena loves them, especially during phone sex--

Oh, my God! Stop! Gross! Ew!

Back to fixing our shower, please.

Broken shower is building manager talk,

not building owner.

Here's a tuna sandwich, sweetie!

What's the difference?

You want to talk to Alfred.

Alfred's the building manager? Isn't he in jail?

Lucky for you I got him out on parole for my party tonight.

- What party? - The one you didn't RSVP to.

The "Big Pasta Dinner." A little shindig,

meet-and-greet for all our building.

Oh yeah! The invite. Must have got lost in the mail.

I hand delivered it.

Well, my drone hand delivered it,

but I controlled it from my bedroom.

Come mingle, eat some garlic fettuccine

And you can talk to Alfred about your broken shower.

Fine. But if this becomes an orgy we're probably leaving.

- Hey, where's my sandwich? - What's an org-ee?

Oh shit! You're allergic to peanuts!

I love my new necklace!

It's not a necklace, it is a leash to make sure

you don't eat anything you're not supposed to.

No shower heads, sinks, toilets--

Elderly plants living out their last of days.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Uh, where is everyone?

This is everyone. The other condos are owned

by Saudi businessmen who don't actually live here.

Lois, you have a condo here?

Bruce, uh, gifted it to Superman for his birthday.

I only let people I trust live here.

Hola, mi amigos!

Joker!

Okay. The orgy is definitely off.

Chill, my dude.

Mi amor got the place for our Sophia here.

Landed an internship in the city.

Sophia, tell the uppity man where.

Wayne Industries.

Ah, you must be in our "Waynetech for Teens" program.

My father always said,

"No ship can take you further than an internship."

I can see why someone murdered him.

Lena! Are you wearing that dress I bought for you tonight?

Oh, okay.

Lena will no longer be joining.

- It'll just be the 10 of us. - Nine of us.

- Raven isn't coming. - What happened?

Like you care.

Teenagers. So brooding.

Ahem. Dinner is served.

- It's good sauce. - Old Wayne recipe.

The secret's tomatoes.

Alfred! More cheese.

A fresh wheel. Hand grated.

Who is that?

My first ward, Dick Grayson.

We stayed here when he was young.

Sadly, he was murdered.

So much I never said to him.

And now, I never will.

Hmm.

I failed you, my beautiful Dick.

Uh-huh.

Who's the other guy?

Jason Todd, my second ward.

- Also murdered. - Ooh, that's...

Hate to be one of his wards.

Damian, so funny seeing you here.

It's my once a fiscal quarter visit with my dad.

I hate dads.

Grounding you for eating yummy cats you didn't even eat.

You try getting forced to go to dinner parties

thrown by a man who once held you captive

only to be pawned off to some children!

Try being abandoned like that!

My father moved to another city without even telling me.

Game recognizes game.

So, Lois, how's Superman's sabbatical going?

Ha! That's so funny.

Everyone always asks about Superman, never about me.

- Hmm. - Um...

- Then, how's The Daily Planet! - Terrible!

I won journalism's highest honor

and now Perry has me covering middle school theater.

So there's no time to look into real stories.

I smoke cigars now.

Hold on. Alfred I am putting in a request for a new shower.

- More. - Perchance, did it involve the siren call

of a massage shower head?

- Yeah, how did you know? - Still more.

Butler intuition.

Alas, installing an illegal shower head

voids building policy.

- It's your responsibility now. - Don't be afraid.

Come on, be a pal.

Can't you make an exception just this once?

That's too much. Fetch a new plate

and start over.

You expect me to eat the bill?

Should've used your copious free time

to read the building rulebook.

You fancy-ass asshole!

Either you do the repair or I swear to God

I'll fucking kill you, Alfred!

What? What? Do I have sauce on my face?

Oh! This knife. Well, this does not look good.

We heard a scream and... Alfred?

He's dead.

Mmm. RIP to the only motherfucker 20 years within my age.

Cool! Dessert!

- Leave it. - And someone murdered him.

Wha... I didn't murder Alfred!

Well, why would any of us murder him?

I mean, the pasta wasn't al dente,

but I'm not about to kill over it.

No one leaves till we solve this.

Uh, maybe the butler did it!

Oh shit! She cracked the case!

Honey, the butler's dead.

Oh, shit! She's fucked!

Hey, she did not do it.

It doesn't take, let's say,

the world's greatest detective

to see she's holding the murder weapon.

I swear, someone put this in my hand!

Enough! Harley Quinn, you murdered Alfred Butler.

Okay. That can't actually be his last name, right?

I'm not a big fan of murder, but in this case...

An eye for an eye, you know?

Oh, shit, shit. Maybe you should just take a moment to um...

Sucks that the guy who'd clean this up is dead,

am I right?

Nothing? Okay.

Cool! A big boy bed!

I cannot believe Bruce thinks I offed Alfred.

Honey, I totally believe you,

but, you know, it wouldn't be the first time

you've killed someone without realizing.

With Nightwing, I was sleepwalking, okay?

I was wide awake for this.

I know who killed Alfred.

- And who gave you that knife. - What? How?

Sharks have perfect night vision.

- Who did it? - I could see their face.

All I could see was a big...

skull!

We're gonna find you, Harley!

- Listen up. Alfred's not dead. - What?

You checked his pulse.

Exactly. He's alive.

He does this when he's upset.

A "see what life's like without me" thing.

Bit of a drama queen. Best to play along.

Wow! I really bought that.

I thought Alfred would give it up

when I put the knife to Harley,

but her running puts a wrench into things.

We need to find her before Alfred knows we're on to him,

and before Harley does something drastic.

If we split into groups

we can search the three dozen rooms faster.

Damian, you're with me.

Damian, let's go.

- We're a team. - Now you wanna be a team?

Put your phone down and--

Raven broke up with you? What happened?

- Yes! - I did fine without you

when you went to jail, and when you went to Metropolis.

You haven't cared for the last few years

so why break your track record now?

I'll go with him.

I'll take Team Daddy.

A skull?

Oh, shit. Like the one from your pee-pee nightmares?

All my nightmares are about how my mom took one of my brothers,

and now we never see them anymore.

Okay, when this is done, you should start seeing me as a therapist,

but right now we gotta figure out how we can catch that skull.

Ugh! I cannot concentrate in this pigsty!

Huh?

- Secret tunnel! Secret tunnel! - The hell?

Look how my voice echoes!

Shaun? Shut it.

People are huntin' me down, remember?

Huh. There must be secret exits

all over the penthouse.

I'm so glad you adopted me!

We did not adopt you.

My dad's boring. You're always fun.

- Ugh, not anymore. - What do you mean by that?

Nothing! Nothing, you're always off at work.

And I'm always home in the shower mastur...

...ing my... singing.

Cool!

Fuck! He's got a spa up in this place?

Just needs a masseuse. Oh! Hey!

- Hallo! - Come on, let's go.

Ooh! Hot tub!

Daddy loves to soak his bones.

Whoa! And a sauna?

- Sven. - Hallo.

What are you doing?

Obviously I 'm taking a shvitz.

- Now? - You said to check every room.

What if Ivy and Harley are in the sauna?

- Okay, they're not. - Good.

Because what I have to tell you requires total privacy.

Bruce. I barely know you.

We've only been in the same room, what?

Three or four times?

But, I see you.

I'm not sure I follow.

Your parents. Your first ward, your second ward.

Seems like everyone close to you bites the bullet.

Even your butler pretends to.

But maybe the issue isn't their murder.

It's that you never opened up to them

while they were alive.

It's a little bit their murder.

The dead are dead, my dude.

You've got to focus on the living.

You know, Sophia tells me Damian feels...

- abandoned. - I didn't mean to abandon him

it's just, you threw me in jail.

Uh-oh, my B.

And when I got out I needed a fresh start.

- I didn't even think. - Hey,

you ever think about telling your son you're sorry?

How will that help?

Question is, how will it hurt?

Oh, hell yes.

You think they're hiding in the fridge?

No, I think a fucking snack is though.

You know how I get hypoglycemic in old age.

Oh, shit!

We know who the murderer is.

Aw.

Thank you all for gathering here today

as I unveil the truth,

of however ugly it may be, of who murdered Alfred.

Should we tell her the actual truth?

Let's just see where this goes.

Okay, Bruce was right.

The killer did come from inside. Literally.

They used a tunnel system in the walls to get in and out.

And where do those tunnels lead?

The killer's bedroom!

Damian Wayne!

What? I would never hurt Alfred.

It could never be--

Harley. There is no killer.

Alfred's... faking it.

There was no murder.

There's about to be.

And it's going to be yours, Quinn.

A skull. Like in my nightmares.

Wait. Skull nightmare...

Seriously?

I'm killing this fucker!

Hiya!

Okay. Is this part of Alfred's game?

This is new, and it's real.

No one touches mija!

Damn!

I want Bruce to watch.

The hell you want with me, skull?

Why are you in my dreams? Who are you?

- Nightwing? - I'm back!

I want everyone to turn on Harley.

Just like she turned on me.

You killed me, Quinn,

and would've gotten away with it, too,

if it weren't for those meddling Lazarus Pits.

I was sleep killing. I would've done it to anyone,

- I swear! - You took my life from me!

Now I'll take yours.

Dick, don't to this.

I'm sorry!

What did you say?

Uh, nothing. I, uh... It's dumb.

Bruce, talk to him!

I wasn't there when you needed me.

I know I left you. And that was wrong.

It's all my fault.

I'm sorry, son.

You've never apologized. You said saying sorry was weak!

I was weak.

Too afraid to engage with those I love.

I guess it goes back to when I was eight.

- And my parents-- - Were murdered.

Everyone knows it. Can we wrap it up, please?

I... I love you.

I love you too, Dad.

All these years, this was all I wanted.

Hmm.

Wait a minute. I thought this dude was dead.

We missed a whole thing.

Time to get back to the dinner party!

All right, Alfred, this has gone on long enough.

Wait, where is Alfred?

Ahem.

Wait a minute.

Your butler is Batman's C-tier sidekick?

The Macaroni?

What is your scrawny kid, Robin?

- That's ridiculous. - Don't even know who Robin is.

I had you resurrected for a reason, Dick.

You were supposed to kill them.

Kill? I thought this was a game.

It's no game, it's my revenge on all of you.

Of all the villains, I, The Macaroni,

helped Batman face,

you three are the worst.

We haven't really been villains in a while.

I mean, we're more like...

What are we?

I don't really care for labels.

Everything goes to hell because of you three.

Joker Tower, the Parademon Apocalypse,

Jazzapajizza.

For years, I've cleaned up so many messes

like I'm some kind of... kind of...

Butler?

Which brings me to Bruce.

I gave up my life for you.

I went to prison for you.

And what do you do?

Abandon me.

You don't even know my last name.

- So it's not Butler? - It's Pennyworth! Damn it!

Pennyworth! That's right.

Uh, hi. Excuse me. What exactly did I do?

Oh, I didn't think you'd come, Miss Lane.

Alas, you're in the pot now.

Alfred...

I'm sorry.

Your pathetic apology won't work on me.

- Alfred! - Alfred is dead.

The Macaroni lives.

But for old time's sake, I'll serve one final dish.

Revenge à la Venom.

Macaroni mad!

Macaroni murder!

Leave it to Dick.

Okay. I'm out of here.

Good idea, Lois.

Use the tunnel to take the kids somewhere safe.

Oh! Yes, the kids.

That's, uh, that's what I was going to do. That...

Dad, I-I can fight with you.

I can't go through the pain of losing another son.

I got you, Damian.

Oh!

These bones are tired of runnin'.

Country roads, take me home!

Oh, oh, oh! I take that back!

I've got so much to live for!

Ahhh! I've barely pollinated!

He's too strong with the Venom! How do we get out of his body!

- Sweat! - Huh?

That's why Bane never used the Legion of Doom gym.

Oh. I thought it was because he looked silly when he squatted.

How do we make him sweat?

The sauna!

Argh!

I'm gettin' a gluten cramp.

Give him one hell of a shvitz for me.

What the hell?

These are the exact shower heads

Alfred fucked us over!

I don't do low-flow.

- Sven, prepare the sauna. - Yah, Master Bruce.

♪ ...went to town Riding on a pony ♪

♪ Stuck a feather in his hat And called it Macaroni ♪

Tiny Bruce.

Hey! Let go of my dad!

Dick fail.

Dick die.

Stop squeezing Dick's head.

Macaroni!

Oh! Harley!

You saved my life.

- Let's call it even, okay? - Okay.

This isn't working. He has no weaknesses!

Yes, he does.

We can short-circuit his thingy.

Wait, I'm sorry. You want to short-circuit his penis?

No! His ankle bracelet.

Oh. That makes more sense.

We gotta get him into the shower

- and get his thingy wet. - Wait, his penis?

Oh, the, uh, the tracker. Got it. Okay, I'll be his bait.

Hey, fuckin' dickwad. Look at me.

Fuck you, you big fuckin' wet piece of lettuce.

- God damn it! - Macaroni tired of games.

Hold on!

Ms. Harley, no!

Shaun! You gotta eat the shower heads, all ten of them.

But you said don't eat it!

Forget everything everyone's every told you,

just don't stop yourself!

Won't. Stop. Myself.

Water no good. Water bad!

Will Alfred be okay?

I'll put in a word for his release tomorrow.

After all, someone's gotta clean up this mess.

Hey, I was thinking, um...

I'd stay at your place for Thanksgiving

- next fiscal quarter? - We'll spend it together.

After all, family is our fortress.

Can my girlfriend's family come too?

We hit it off in the tunnels.

We'll be having a lot more shvitzes together, Brucie.

Is it bad that I'm so hungry?

Oh! King Shark just texted me.

Uprising ended early and he's on his way.

Okay.

Thanks for taking care of me today, Ms. Harley.

- You are cool! - Aw. Good boy.

Harley, I need to talk to you.

There's something weird going on in Metropolis

and I think you can help me solve it.

Come be my assistant at The Daily Planet.

I mean, Harley has a Ph.D.,

why would she wanna be your assistant?

- I'm just sayin'. - I wanna do it.

Wait what?

Ives, I've got all this pent-up energy in me

and it's gotta pour out somewhere,

so I threw it into perfectin' our condo

but I want more, I need more.

And maybe this is it.

If that's what you want, honey, I will support you.

Okay? Always.

Where do we start?

By figuring out why we both have nightmares about a skull.