Original subtitles

"CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM" THEME MUSIC PLAYING...

*CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM* Season 11 Episode 06

Episode Title: "Man Fights Tiny Womano" Aired on: November 28, 2021.

So many great actors in New York, you know.

Oh! Totally. By the way, well worth the trip.

Well worth the trip.

Well, and this kid Jason we got, he's gonna be great.

He's remarkable.

- Yeah. - Yeah, he is so great.

I don't know, I think we're really set with the cast.

Yeah. They're all pretty good, with one notable exception.

Maria Sofia.

- Mr. Greene? - Yup.

Hi. I'm Tony. I'll be your driver for today.

Hi, Mr. David. I'm Miriam Clubok.

I'll be your driver today.

- How was your flight? - Delightful.

- Can I take your bag? - Sure. Thank you.

This way.

- Can I take your bag, sir? - Hmm...

It's not a problem at all. It's part of the service.

- I don't think so. I got it. - Are you sure?

I got it. I'm good. Thank you.

Oh, hey!

Seth Rogen, he's filming that Viking movie on the lot.

- Yeah. - I asked him if he wanted

to do a guest starring thing on the show

as Bud Friedman. He wants to do it.

- Really? - Yeah.

- That's fantastic! - It's amazing!

It's all coming together.

I'm right there, behind the red bag.

Oh! There's mine. Brown one, right behind you.

- I got it. - Oh, I can grab that.

- I can grab this, no problem. - No, I insist.

- I got it. - I must insist.

- Sir! - I got it.

Sir, I have the bag.

I got it. I got it. Thank you, thank you.

- Well, let me carry these then. - No, no. Won't be necessary.

I got it. I got it. Thank... I... Please.

I got it, thank you. Thank you.

- You ready? - Yeah.

- They look heavy. I can help. - I got it.

Oh, sh...

- Oh, look who's back. - Hey.

- How was the trip to New York? - Trip was good,

but I hurt my back because they sent this tiny woman driver,

I was uncomfortable with her carrying my bags,

and I schlepped those.

Now I gotta go to a chiropractor.

You're being accommodating. If you're gonna do that shit,

you might as well put her in the backseat

and you fucking drive.

I'm gonna call the company.

I-I don't want to go through this again.

Thank you for calling A&K Limousine Service.

How may I help you?

Oh, hi. It's Larry David. Uh, small issue.

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. What happened?

It's not a big deal.

You sent a woman driver to pick me up,

and I was uncomfortable with her carrying my bags.

I kind of hurt my back a little bit,

to tell you the truth.

And so I'm just calling to ask, if possible,

the next time I need a car, that you will send a man.

Did this young lady refuse to help you?

No, not at all. She was extremely cooperative.

Mr. David, let me just reassure you that our female drivers can do

anything our male drivers can do.

Yes, I'm quite sure they can,

but I just don't want a woman carrying my bags.

- I don't think it's a good look. - Okay, so this is about looks.

You want a more attractive woman driver.

Is that what you're saying?

No, I don't care if she's attractive.

I just don't want a woman driver, that's all.

Mr. David, we're in a pretty evolved society.

I'm afraid that may come off a little sexist.

Sexist? Oh, God! Please. No.

Obviously, you don't know me at all.

I'm not even the least bit sexist.

Although I do like to have sex with women.

I don't know if that makes me a sexist. Does that...

Does wanting to have sex with women make you a sexist?

I don't know. It's an interesting question.

Are you saying you want to have...

You want to have sex with our drivers?

No, I don't want to have sex with your drivers.

Are you saying you want to have sex with me?

What? Who said anything about you?

I don't wanna have sex with you.

Why would I wanna have sex with you?

Don't be ridiculous, I would never!

Never? What, excuse me?

Of course, maybe I would, if... if we met,

and, uh, and you were attractive,

I... I would consider it, you know, but...

If I was attractive?

No, no. I don't care if you're attractive.

I can be attracted to people who aren't attractive.

I've had sex with many women who aren't attractive

because I was attracted to them.

Yeah, tap that ass.

Wow, okay. So now I'm unattractive?

No, I didn't say you're not attractive.

I don't even know you.

How do I know if you're attractive or not?

That's not what this is about.

I don't wanna have sex with you, but again, I could.

I mean, you sound attractive, but you know,

the telephone's very deceiving. You never know.

I was once on the phone with a woman from Ticketmaster

for half an hour, and I met her, and it was...

It was ridiculous, it was crazy!

Mr. David, this is really out of line

and very uncomfortable for me at this point.

I'm extremely uncomfortable. You know what?

Let's forget I even called. I don't care.

Send a woman. It's fine.

Thank you, Mr. David. You have a lovely day.

You gonna tap that?

- Are you nuts? Tap what? - Come on, you hittin' that.

Oh, that's the roofer.

- Hey, how you doing? - Hey.

I'm looking for Mr. Larry David.

Yeah, me.

How you doing? I'm Jonas from Champion Roofers.

- Ah. - I'm here to check out your leak.

It's the guest room. It's up that way.

Well, that's where it starts,

and, uh, you never know where it goes.

So I gotta get my ladder and get up there

and check it out.

- You're going up? - Yeah, I'm a roofer.

That's what I do.

Leon.

Hey, Leon.

Jonas, Champion Roofers. How you doing?

He's going up.

- You go on the fucking roof? - Well, yeah.

Damn.

I don't wanna take up any more of your time.

Twenty minutes, okay? And I'll give you a quote.

Let me get my ladder.

Motherfucker need a crane. You feel me?

Let's check this puppy out.

Ooh!

You know what?

I think I'm gonna go outside for a while.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, how's business here?

Business is good.

Why are there no people here?

Well, the doctor likes to space out the appointments

so that everybody gets a good amount of time with him.

"What's the last thing you bought

that changed your life?"

That's a question in this magazine.

I don't know.

Ah, the juicy tomato.

Just because Tom Brady avoids them...

I think he's ready for you. You can just go right in.

Ah! Okay.

Well, great news, my friend. As expected, you are gonna live.

You have a quadratus strain,

which can be explained by the fact that you lifted

something heavy, which you cannot do.

Well, what was I... What was I supposed to do?

She was this frail woman.

Well, I completely understand that.

If it were me, I wouldn't have done it.

But that's because I lost chivalry, uh, after the divorce.

- Why? What do you mean? - My wife cheated on me.

- Really? - Yeah, three times.

So you're leading the single life now?

I'm leading the single life. Couldn't be happier.

- Hey, let me ask you a question. - Sure, anything.

How come there's nobody in your waiting room?

Oh, well, you know what? I like to space them out.

Privacy. You know, we get some high profile people in here.

Like you or Harrison Ford.

Oh, Harrison Ford is a patient?

No, it was a hypothetical. If Harrison Ford were a patient,

I would tell you he's incredibly lovely.

Bit of a curmudgeon sometimes, but...

- So he's a patient? - Nope, didn't say that.

I would assume based on interviews I've seen.

- He's a very gruff guy. - Well, you just told me. You just told me he's a patient.

- No, I didn't. I never said... - Yeah, you did.

I never said I've seen my patient, Harrison Ford,

- after his last plane crash. - Okay.

Well, why don't I get you set up with a foam roller?

- Foam roller. - Very easy to use.

- I'm gonna give you a... - So you want me to roll?

I just want you to roll on it.

- Okay. - Very easily.

Elizabeth at the front desk...

...will walk you through how to use it.

Self-explanatory.

It should be pretty simple,

but we will give you a document with some illustrations on it

to walk you through it as well. Okay, Larry?

And then I'm gonna write you a prescription.

How do you do with anti-inflammatories?

I know, as a Jew, I get a little rumbly in my tumbly.

- Uh, I do okay. - Ah!

That's why I never became a basketball player.

I will see you back here in a couple of days,

and you, my friend, should be feeling as good as new.

Okay.

And I get a glimpse of his underwear.

It was completely frayed, like loose violin strings.

And holes in it. It was like the underwear had been to war.

I don't know why you didn't run out.

Why? I'm not gonna run out. That's rude.

You know what? My back actually feels a little better.

- It does? - Yeah.

I don't care. I will never be going back to him.

- Really? - I am done.

- Hey, you know what? - What?

Maybe that's why there's nobody in his waiting room.

Oh...

- And look at this, look at this. - All right.

- Let's see this set, huh? - Let's see.

"MANHATTAN" BY ELLA FITZGERALD PLAYING...

Oh.

Oh, my God. This is freaky. This is...

Really, this is exactly...

These are the exact dimensions. We had a piano here.

- What was in here? - Huh?

- What was in here? - That's my mother's closet.

Oh. That's a nice...

Holy shit. Look at this.

This is the exact dimension of the apartment.

I lived here from eight to twenty-five.

Look at the size of this kitchen we had.

- Huh. - Look, they even got the stove exactly right.

Come on, let's check out wardrobe.

- Oh, this is great. - This feels good, yeah.

- Ah, there he is. Hey. - Hey.

- Feels very like Cliff, right? - Oh, that's Cliff.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

He's loving the jackets. We got some really good looks.

Those are good. Yeah, very '70s.

Oh, um, I was just looking at the schedule and I realized,

and this is totally my fault, I'm so sorry,

but I can't make anything after four on Thursdays.

I have a church thing.

- Church? - Yeah.

Your last name's Steinberg.

Oh, I'm a Jew for Jesus.

- I love this one. - Nice.

- Let's just go and grab a picture. - Okay, great.

So, again, I can totally work around it, if not,

but I hope that doesn't, like, throw a huge wrench in everything.

- No. No. - Oh, well, uh, We'll fix it in the schedule.

Bless you. Thank you so much.

- Sure. - Okay.

Jew for Jesus, really?

And do you think he's sincere about it?

- Oh, totally. - Yes, totally sincere.

I was so shocked and stunned

...that that face, that punim...

And by the way, you look at this kid,

his parents are a big ball of Jewish.

He's screaming Jew.

What do you think about this whole Jews for Jesus thing?

That's crazy stuff. I don't know why anyone would do that.

You know, when you're a Jew for Jesus,

- you're embraced by the Gentiles immediately. - Right.

But as much as you're embraced by the Gentiles,

you're reviled by the Jews.

He's... You know, he's considered like a traitor.

- That's right. - He's left us.

The Gentiles are liking him.

They'll put that one in the front. They're proud of that.

- "We took him in." You know? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- "We got one." - We got one.

- We got one. - We got one.

Why they want one, I don't know.

- But they got one. - They got one.

Hey, by the way, remind me when it's two o'clock, will you?

- Two o'clock? I got it. - Yeah.

Hello, gentlemen. How are we doing?

- Hello. - Hi.

I'm gonna get the steak-frites.

- Medium rare okay? - Medium rare is great.

Spinach salad for me, please.

- I'll get the Caesar. - And anchovies gonna be okay on that?

- Please. - With the anchovies?

Yeah. I like anchovies. So what?

- It's just a strong choice. - Who does that?

You know, it's unbelievable, the contempt

that people have for you when you order anchovies.

It's like I'm a pornographer or something.

I can honestly say, I've never seen someone say yes

to anchovies on the Caesar. Have you?

You know what it's like? It's like going to church

- on Thursday. - Right. It's an odd choice.

You know what? Forget the anchovies.

- Okay. - Why would you do that?

I don't want them anymore.

- You ruined my lunch. - Why did I ruin it?

- You ruined my lunch. - I just thought it was strange.

By the way, there are many things that you guys eat,

okay, lot of things you eat in particular,

that I don't comment on, that I find offensive.

- Ice cream? - No, I like ice cream.

- Okay, an omelet? - I like an omelet.

- French toast? - Love French toast.

So what the fuck are you talking about?

Okay, you know what? No anchovies. We're good.

- Okay. - Okay. Thank you.

You're a little defensive in the world of anchovies.

I wish you would've gotten the anchovies.

- Yeah. - Oh, jeez. I need to charge.

Don't you think someone should be able to comment on food?

Always be able to comment.

- Hi. You have a charger? - Oh, it's being used.

- Is that the only one? - Yeah, unfortunately.

- Who's using it? - Um... that gentleman is.

- The guy in the tie? - Yeah, at your table.

- What's he at? - He's at 23 percent.

Oh. Hey, you're at 23 percent. I'm at two.

Can I take over the charger?

- No. - Why?

- Hey, I was there first. - So what?

You know, if we were in a gym, you're on a treadmill,

you can't go more than half an hour.

You got people waiting.

Well, the beauty of that is I never go on a treadmill.

Uh, would you mind unplugging his phone and plugging mine in?

You want me to unplug your friend's phone?

Yeah.

Even though he just told you no?

- Yeah. - But he'll know.

He'll be able to see.

So what? I don't care.

I kind of feel like you and your friend have a strange dynamic

that I'd rather not get involved with.

- So you're not gonna do it? - No.

- This stinks. - Your own fault.

No, it's your fault. It's your fault.

- You did it to yourself. - No, I didn't do it to myself.

Yeah, you did. You did it to yourself.

- You did it to me. - No.

You stopped me from enjoying it. You ruined my lunch.

Hey, what time is it?

- 2:10. - 2:10?

You were supposed to remind me when it was two o'clock.

You're right. I forgot. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God. My... my car.

I was in the middle of eating, I'm sorry.

- My car! - I'm sorry.

My fault, Larry.

- What's his charge now? - Twenty-eight percent.

He's not having a good day, that's for sure.

Should've said something to me.

Are you kidding me? Shit.

- Towed. Towed. - Ah.

- I'm sorry. That sucks. - Yeah.

You could've reminded me. You said you would remind me.

- I'm just saying. - So it's my fault?

Yeah, you didn't remind me.

If you had said, "My car is gonna get towed at two o'clock," I would've remembered.

But when you said, "Remind me of something at two," it felt so light. It's so toothless.

Look, you're the reminder, I'm the remindee.

Once the reminder takes on remindership, you own it.

So let me get this clear.

Anyone who's asked to be reminded of something

has to assume the person will die if they're not reminded. Is that right?

- Death is the... - Death is the consequence.

Death could be the consequence.

That's a very different idea of remindership.

The remindee has to place his trust in the reminder.

- Right. - It's the sacred pact.

If you can't handle it, then don't take it on.

By the way, if it's so important,

why didn't you set your alarm or something?

I did set the alarm, but my battery died

because Jeff wouldn't let me charge.

But the truth is, if you had your phone, we're not in this.

- Okay? Okay. - Absolutely. It's all his fault.

Let's go enjoy the rest of the lunch.

I can't stand this lunch. I gotta get something else.

- Hey, man. - Oh, you made coffee, great.

Man, I had the worst, worst night's sleep.

I felt like I heard creaking,

and I think that roofer must've weakened it or something.

The size of that motherfucker walking around all over the roof,

we're lucky the fucking drywall ain't cracking and shit

from his big ass.

Anyway, it was just... It was the worst.

You just lay there and your mind just wanders,

and you can't get back to bed.

You think about all this crazy stuff.

Like if you saw a picture of a bearded lady in the circus

without the beard, and she was really attractive.

Would you try and date her and convince her to shave?

The fuck? I had one more left.

Who the fuck ate my last fucking Haagen-Dazs popsicle?

I don't know. It wasn't me.

You know who's been here,

walking around the fucking house?

It's that fat-ass, goddamn roofer.

When food's missing, suspicions invariably turn to the heavyset.

That motherfucker is F-A-T positive.

You know what I'm saying? If a hat was missing,

I would blame a bald head motherfucker like you.

That's the roofer.

- Hey, Larry. - How are ya?

Good. I got something special to show you.

I have got a brand-new palette of tiles

to replace the cracked ones on the roof.

I'm sure they're fine. I don't need to see them.

Oh, you're gonna be very impressed. Come on. Come on.

There's no point in showing me tiles.

- I have no interest in tiles. - Yeah, come on. Check this out.

Look at those bad boys.

- Wow. - Oh, fantastic. Gorgeous tiles.

Only the best.

I'm really glad I got to see them.

I'll be up there for a couple of days, if you need me.

I'm gonna put these in, and it'll be good as new.

- You're going up? - Yeah. That's what I do.

- Couple of days? - You want it perfect, don't you?

What do you do? Why don't you send this kid up there?

Eric's in training.

- Yeah. - Eric is my assistant.

- Send him up. - He's not ready to go up yet.

Yeah. I don't go up. He goes up.

- You go up... - I...

...and you supervise from down here.

I'm gonna be honest with you, Larry.

I don't think he really wants to be a roofer.

- Tell him. - I'm looking into tattooing.

Tattoo. Tattoo artist.

Why don't you give Larry a tattoo?

Oh. I mean, I'd be down for that.

That's not gonna happen.

- No? - No way?

He's the roofer. I'm the roofer's helper.

He goes up, I stay down here.

Did you ask him about my popsicles?

He's not interested in your food.

No, no. He's not interested in your fucking food.

He don't want the fucking mung beans

and fucking wheatgrass, olives.

He don't want no fucking olives with the red...

What's that red shit stuck inside the fucking olive?

Pimento?

Yeah. Same shit that come out of a lady

after she have a baby.

That man got a sweet tooth, I'm telling you.

He wants all my snacks and shit.

Okay, you know what? I can't stay here.

I'm not gonna stay here. I didn't sleep last night.

I'm packing a bag.

He's gonna be here for a couple of days?

I'm not staying here a couple days.

- Are you kidding me? - What you gonna do?

I don't know. I'll go to Freddy's.

Oh, shit. I don't have my car. My car got towed.

And I gotta go to the chiropractor.

I gotta go to work. This really stinks!

Oh, shit! What the fuck?

- Hello. - You called for a car?

I did. Yeah.

- I gotta make a stop. - All right.

- Hey. - Larry! How we doing today?

You know what? Much better.

That's what I like to hear. Tell me.

You have worked magic.

- It's what I do. It's what I do. - You really have.

- So, pain is lessened? - Yes, yes.

- Meds are agreeing with you? - Yeah, I'm doing the roller.

So, here's what I think we're gonna do.

I think I'm going to lower the dosage,

- or maybe even cut you off entirely. - Okay. Okay.

And then I wanna stick with the foam roller,

- but I'm gonna give you a firmer foam roller. - Oh.

And remember, the key is, you don't wanna push too hard.

- Okay. - Just enough to make it work.

And what do we got here?

Yeah. Let's go with this bad boy.

So, Elizabeth at the front will walk you through it.

Same principle as last time. You all right?

Um...

All right. Can I be honest with you?

- Yeah. - So, the first time I was here,

you bent over... and I noticed...

that your underwear was quite frayed.

- Frayed? - Frayed.

- Frayed how? - It was stringy,

and you had holes in it as well.

And I'm coming to the conclusion

that the reason that I don't see patients in your office...

Is because of the nature of my underwear.

Yes. I think they've stopped coming

because they see your underwear

and know that something's amiss, and they stay away.

You're losing a lot of business.

Because look what it says about you.

Slovenly, unkempt, can't take care of himself.

Who wants to see a doctor like that?

Nobody. I wouldn't want to see that doctor.

Your underwear, it's threadbare beyond all normal usage.

You gotta have some underwear awareness.

- What the hell do I do? - Here's a good rule of thumb.

Once the cotton detaches from the elastic, they gotta go.

- And are your balls dangling? - They are.

Once your balls are dangling, it's over.

So what should I do with these, the ones that I have?

Use them for emergencies only?

These aren't even for emergencies. You throw them out.

A heroin addict doesn't keep the needles.

So what do I do about this situation?

- How about this? - Yeah?

Suppose you write an email to all your patients.

Hold that thought.

- Talk to me. - Okay.

"It is vitally important to me

that my patients be able to trust their doctor.

It has recently come to my attention

that my underwear is quite frayed..."

Oh, they're filming some movie.

Sorry I can't get you closer to your stage.

They're making me park a little further away today.

- Oh. Well, that's okay. - You sure?

Yeah, it's fine.

You gonna want me to wait for you?

No, a friend of mine's gonna take me

where I need to go later.

All righty.

Okay, ready to rehearse.

Okay. Seth, you're sailing on your ship

and you're meeting Jormungandr.

Does this hat look stupid, man?

I just feel like this was a mistake.

So much gack.

Why did they wear all this shit back then?

What a cumbersome fucking ti... Okay, ready.

The helmet looks great.

And you said you were gonna try the accent again.

I'm gonna try the accent.

I might just ADR the whole movie in post.

Where am I looking?

Is this top tennis ball... What is that?

The top tennis ball is his third eye.

Fucking shit. Okay. Can't look down, ever.

Okay. Ready to rehearse. And action.

I am Bjorn, son of Bjorn, and we make fish.

That is what my family does.

I am the greatest fisherman in the whole sea.

- Hey, Lar. - Hey.

Wow.

Oh, no, no, no. It's, uh, it's car company protocol.

I'm not... They don't want me to carry my bags.

- Oh yeah? - They said it's sexist.

I had a whole conversation with them.

Sure you did.

The company wants her to do that. It's not... It's not me.

Can't disobey the car company.

I want to car... I carried it the last time.

Okay. Sure, Larry.

- How you doing? You okay? - Yeah.

- You want help? - No.

- Need some help? - No.

So it's coming together, don't you think?

The plastic is a great touch, I love that.

Okay. I know you want to change the table out.

- Yeah. - Hey, Larry.

Do you have just a quick second? I'm sorry to interrupt.

We'll finish this up later?

- Great, okay. - Okay, good. See you in a bit.

- What's up? - Um...

I'm so sorry to be a... I don't mean to be a problem.

- Do you know, uh, Jason, right? - Jason Steinberg, yeah.

- Yeah. So, he's a Jew for Jesus. - Yeah, I know.

It's starting to interfere with our performing.

We're trying to rehearse, and we're being converted, basically.

You know, a lot of pamphlets and signs and stuff, you know.

- He's proselytizing? - Yes.

He has mini Bibles. You know, those little keychain Bibles.

Okay, well, thanks for letting me know.

- I'm sure he's a good guy. - Appreciate it, Larry.

- I'll take care of it. - Thank you so much.

- Hey. - Larry, hey! You have a second?

You know, I actually do.

That's great. Um, in the scene where I swap with Larry

as the chauffeur for the blind woman...

- Yeah. - Why would she not know it's me?

Because she's blind.

Eh... I'm just not buying it.

- Oh, you're not buying it? - Not really, no.

You're buying the virgin birth.

What's so hard to believe about the virgin birth?

Oh, no. It's just, people get pregnant by God all the time.

Well, they don't. That's what makes it so special.

Why wasn't Joseph having sex with her, by the way?

They were married.

Well, she was trying to keep herself pure for God.

What did Mary tell Joseph when she got pregnant?

"I have brought unto you a miracle, the son of God.

- He grows within me." - And then you know what Joseph did?

He went next door and he spoke to his friend,

he said, "She's...

She's out of her fucking mind. I gotta get out of there."

- Well, no, that's one of God's miracles. - Yeah.

The parting of the sea

and the falling of, like, frogs from the sky.

Look, you wanna be a Jesus guy,

- zei gezunt, go ahead. - Yeah.

- These Jews... - Uh-huh.

...on the set, are not for Jesus.

So leave them alone. No proselytizing here.

- That's out. - Oh, okay.

- Got it? Okay? - No more Jesus.

- Just out of full just honesty and transparency... - Yeah.

...I am going to be saying his name inside,

in my heart. That's how I get through the day.

Say it inside as much as you want.

I will shout it from the inside.

I don't care what you say inside.

- Okay. Oh, shoot. Ow. Sorry. - What's the matter?

No, it's just my sciatica's acting up.

You need a chiropractor? I got the guy.

My back was terrible. This guy was really helping me.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

That would be incredible. You think he can fit me in like,

I don't know, maybe today?

Uh, yes. I think he can fit you in today.

- I'll get you the number. - Okay. Thank you so much.

Yeah, I think I was doing, like, a Norwegian accent up till now,

but I'm thinking of kinda pivoting

- to more of like a Danish accent. - Seth. Hey.

Hey, Larry.

You got a toddler carrying your shit around still?

- Yeah, that was, uh, slightly embarrassing. - Yeah.

- It's a bad look. - I know that.

- And that's why I'm here. - Okay.

Uh, to tell you that I'm aware of that.

- Great. As long as you're aware of it. - I'm aware.

I get it, man. It's tough out there.

You wanna look relatable, you know?

That's a big part of my thing, trust me. I'm an everyman.

- An everyman? - Yeah.

Really? Is that who you wanna be?

People like an everyman, just so you know.

They may like an everyman, but most every man is kind of stupid.

Exactly, that's how I come across.

I portray myself as stupid so people relate to me more.

- Okay, you wanna be stupid. - I don't wanna be stupid.

I want people to think I'm stupid.

I see. So you're a smart person who's trying to appear stupid

so people will like you?

Yeah, and you're a nice person appearing to be an asshole

- so no one likes you? - Yeah.

Honestly, just, here's all I have to say about it.

I'm working with you. I'm associated with you from now on.

People are saying our names in the same sentences.

- Yes. - Try not to do things that

make you very much seem like an asshole

to anyone who's looking at you.

- I completely get it. - Okay.

- Just in my own defense... - Yeah.

There are certain things that I would prefer a man doing

- over a woman. - No. Don't say that to anyone.

Keep that shit to your fucking self, man.

But there are also certain things I prefer to having

a woman over a man.

- That's also bad! - Why is that bad?

- Like a massage? - Don't say that shit.

I don't want a man touching me.

Larry, just stop naming professions

and which sexes should do them and which ones shouldn't.

- Okay. Okay. - Don't do that.

- All sexes can do all jobs. - Sure. No, I know they can.

But we all have our secret preferences

as to who we want to work on us for some particular things.

- Well, they should be secret. - Let me ask you a question.

- What? - Eye doctor?

I don't give a fuck. You care who looks at your eyes?

- I don't like it if... - I'm looking at your eyes right now!

No, but you're not hovering on. You're not an inch away from me.

- It's an eye doctor! - I don't like it.

Urologist? Proctologist?

- Man. - See? That makes no sense!

You don't want a man face to face,

but you want a man to stick his finger up your fuckin' ass?

You're gonna feel comfortable with a strange woman

sticking her finger up your ass?

I don't give a fuck who's sticking their finger up my ass.

What kind of woman becomes a urologist anyway?

A very bright, enterprising woman

who wants to make dicks and butts better.

Okay. You know, I might try that out. I'm gonna try that later.

- Give it a try! - I'm gonna let you know about that.

I would text it, okay?

Keep it to yourself.

We don't know each other that well.

You've said 30 insane things to me in the last few minutes.

- I'm not an everyman. - No, you're not an everyman.

- I'm not an everyman. - You are a singular man.

All right. So excited you're doing the show.

- I'm excited to be working with you. - It's gonna be great.

I look forward to Little Larry.

- So glad you're doing it. - I'm excited to do it.

Like, you know, what are you supposed to do?

- They send a tiny woman to... - Just stop talking about it!

Just stop, Larry. Walk away. Stop.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure. You need help with your bags?

Absolutely not. Thank you.

Come on in.

I'm so glad you're gonna be here for a couple of days.

I really appreciate it.

- Thank you. - Are you kidding me?

Just leave that there. Come on in.

- Yeah, man. This is fun. - All right.

- This is gonna be great. - Yeah. Boy.

Hey, did you get that crazy email

from that chiropractor, Jacobsen?

- Yeah. I wrote it. - You wrote his email?

I wrote the email.

Did you stop going to him because of the underwear?

Yeah. Exactly.

- Did you see that underwear? - Yeah, I did.

Was that bizarre?

Well, that's why I wrote the email.

So, are you gonna go back?

I'm not going... No, I wouldn't go back.

I don't understand. Why wouldn't you go back?

It was like ancient underwear. It was like rustic.

It was like underwear that was from the Pilgrims or something.

You know, that's the sign of a lot of washing.

That's a good sign.

The problem isn't just that the underwear is frayed.

It's the person that would put everyone in that position.

Yeah. You know what? I'm thirsty.

Can I get something to drink?

If we stop talking about the underwear, yeah.

Yeah, please. Knock yourself out.

You got one Perrier left. Can I have it?

Well, no. Not if there's one.

You're not gonna give me the last one?

The last one goes to the host, everyone knows that.

You got others. You got... Want the orange juice?

- No, I don't want that. - Grab something else.

I got the keto, I got the other.

- I wanted the Perrier. - Why would you even ask

- if there's only one? - Yeah.

Anyway, I feel terrible about the car situation.

Let me do something to help you with the car.

You're still missing the car. Let's do... I got an app.

I got a guy in Tarzana who will drive you a car out here.

- Yeah. No, that's okay. - I'll go...

I'll pick up the car from the tow place tomorrow.

- Yeah? You're sure? - Yeah.

- What would make you happy? - I don't know.

What can I do to help you?

Maybe I'll have a glass of water.

The tap water is great. I got double... two filters.

- I filter the filter. - Is it cold?

I got ice. You put the ice in it. It's freezing.

- Nah. Ice smells. - I have filtered ice.

- It's cold, when it's in... - It's smelly. I don't like it.

What do you think of filtered water?

I was... I was just wanted the sparkling water.

Oh! You're killing me.

You should've given me the Perrier.

You know you can't ask for the Perrier.

There's gonna be Perrier tomorrow. Okay?

- Yeah. - The car.

What can I do to make you happy with the car?

- If you wanna do something nice... - Yes.

- Go back and see Dr. Jacobsen. - Never gonna happen.

I can't get that underwear out of my head.

I'm not going to see the doctor.

Okay. You know what? I don't wanna stay here.

- What are you... - I don't wanna stay here.

I'd rather the roof falling on my head in my house

than stay here.

- That's extreme, Larry. - Okay. Yeah.

I don't think so.

Oh, because you can't have the last Perrier?

Yeah, and you know what?

Remind me never to ask you for any more favors.

Remind you? Who'd ever sign up

for a reminding gig with you.

It's like a predatory contract.

I wouldn't remind you of something

if we had a lawyer paper it.

Why would you let me get an app?

Don't do the Perrier. That's an act of war, the Perrier.

You're better than that.

- I'm calling a car service. - Great.

Call the goddamn car service.

Maybe they'll have a Perrier in the car.

- Hello. - Oh, hello.

Hey, wait. Wait a second. What are you doing?

Hey, don't... don't... Don't take those.

I got those bags. Stop it.

Hey, come on. Stop it. Hold it. Here, here, give me those.

- Gimme those, stop it. - Let me. Get your hands off it!

What are you doing?

Give me the bag, sir.

Look, Mommy. Mommy! That man is beating up that woman.

No, she... She won't let me carry...

They're my bags!

Oh, my God. Honey, don't look.

Remind me never to drive you again.

Oh, don't worry. I own that remindership.

You will never ever have to think about that

for the rest of your life. That's on me.

It's a little hard to describe, but the way I like to think of it is,

I was in this beautiful room.

- There was Judaism. - Mm-hmm.

It was just dark. And I assumed it was a windowless room.

And then Christ shows up, and it's not windowless.

It's just that the windows are closed.

And it's like, "Oh, I get it." And everything clicked with me and I was like,

"Oh, wait! Jesus was Jewish. Oh, wait.

Everyone that wrote the Old Testament,

everyone that wrote the New Testament,

they were all Jews."

And I'm doing the same things, but the things have meaning.

I actually got a pamphlet if you're interested.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, Larry. Can I borrow your charger?

- Huh? - I'm down to four percent.

Well, where's your charger?

I don't fucking know where the fucking charger's at.

I been trying to find it since I was at 17 percent.

I'm at nine percent. I'm charging. I'm working.

Tell you what, give me some juice until I get to seven,

and then we'll go back and forth, back and forth.

Listen, we're not at the bottom of the ocean

sharing one tank of oxygen. That's suicide.

- We'll both die. - Why is it suicide?

- I'm at three percent. - It's Sophie's choice.

And you're the baby who's going.

Where the fuck is my shit at?

Let me get to 15. Is that too much to ask?

Larry, fucking look over there.

My fucking charger is right there.

And the fucking wire is going from there

up through the fucking window.

- The roofer took your charger? - You fat motherfucker!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Let it go, motherfucker. Let it go.

- Come here, come here. - Let it go, you fat bitch.

Take the rest of the day off.

Fucking back.

What are you guys looking at?

Oh, you're not gonna believe this.

Oh my God! Holy fuck! That's not a good look.

I'm not working with that guy.

- How does this feel? - Feels good.

Ah, Larry! Who's this guy? Who's this guy I'm working on?

Look at you. You're good as new.

Hey, you notice anything different out there?

Oh, you mean something called patients?

- Patients! - Yes.

Patients. I got patients back here.

- It's remarkable. - Larry, they were so grateful

that I upgraded the underwear.

I'm so happy for you. And I can't thank you enough.

You did such a great job on my back.

"'I will restore you to health and heal your wounds, '

declares the Lord." Jeremiah 30:17.

What?

I would love to tell you about our Lord and Savior,

Jesus Christ. I have pamphlets.

Oh, fuck.

"CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM" THEME MUSIC PLAYING...

THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES...