Original subtitles

Run.

Run like a boy who knows how to run.

Am I doing it? It feels crazy!

We got to get to the house ASAP.

We need to find Tina's erotic friend journals,

read 'em... up-bup-bup...

Figure out what's going on

with her whole horse shirt drama,

so we can say the absolute perfect thing to fix it,

so she'll take us to boba,

and we have to do it all before Tina gets home.

Coming through, people!

This is a boba-based emergency!

Beautiful baby.

Thank you.

Well, the good news is,

it can't get much worse, Bob.

I mean, they wrote "Bob's Burgers is poop" on the wall.

What are they gonna write next, "Bob's Burgers is pee"?

That's not nearly as bad, on the spectrum of

what human waste you're most like.

I still see it when I close my eyes.

I'm gonna go check it out in there.

- Okay, but, um, be discreet. - Yup, yup.

Excuse me, sir.

Nothing! No graffiti. All clear.

I mean, not all clear.

- Eh... - Thanks, Teddy.

Sorry. He doesn't usually do this.

Hey, Dad. We're gonna pop upstairs

real quick/for a long time,

but you're doing really great in here,

- so you'll be fine. - We're so proud of you.

Mm-hmm.

- Whoa. - Oh, my.

I can't find the erotic, sexy stories anywhere.

When did Tina get so good at hiding stuff?

Well, maybe it was ever since you read her diary

every day for a month because you saw a documentary

about teens and drinking.

I had to. I'm a good mom.

Yeah, but you didn't have to circle stuff

and make comments in the margins.

Shush. You don't even have kids. What do you know?

Oh, my God.

- What are you doing up here? - Eh, it was slow down there.

- No... - Louise.

So, I thought I'd close the restaurant for a bit

and see how it was going up here.

What's that? Is that a box of chewed gum?

It's Jimmy Jr.'s gum.

She got it from under his desk at school.

It's all very normal.

I mean, Linda, when you said you were gonna "poke around

in Tina's room," I pictured like a spy,

but this is like a really messy spy.

She's gonna be mad... at you guys.

I might pretend I didn't come in.

Well, she's gonna be madder when her birthday is

a big fat nothing sandwich

with a side of "you must not love me very much,

- Mom and Dad" soup. - Huh.

This chair feels weird.

How do you think the chair feels about you?

Feels like something's in there.

- In your butt? - Gene.

Ha! I found them!

You guys have been looking for so long,

and I found them, like, right away.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Take it easy, Mr. I Sat Somewhere.

Listen, we don't know which one she was writing in last,

so everybody just start skimming.

Extra Greasy,"

"Jurassic Park After Dark,"

"The Fast and The Flirt-ious,"

and "Saving Private Rear Ends."

We're running out of time before Tina gets home,

- so let's get to it. - Where is Tina?

Huh. Oh, yeah.

Maybe she joined an after-school club?

Kids with glasses after classes?

People! We're wasting precious seconds.

Now, if you find something, shout it out.

Uh, okay.

"Tandy and Janny Jr. flew away

"in a magical convertible, waving to all their friends

but also snuggling."

I didn't know the car could do this.

I didn't either. Did we die?

Maybe? So, should we kiss?

Yes. Extra greasy?

Extra greasy.

- Yup, great. - All right, maybe there's something here.

"An illegal street race through the city at night.

"At the wheel, she felt like she was both

in control and out of control."

Your car's pretty fast.

It's making me furious.

- Just kidding. - Oh. Ha.

Hey, I know we're illegal street racing right now,

but do you want to maybe go grab a cup of...

Whoa! Watch out!

-Hi. -Hi.

Okay, I don't think she saw that movie,

- like, at all. - Well, this could be something.

"No one understood,

"the person with the biggest heart of all

wasn't a person."

- Roar! - Aah!

Hmm?

- Hey. - Hey there.

Damn. I want some dino-more of that.

Want to get pre-kiss-storic?

What? -LINDA: Aw...

a dinosaur couple. But also never mind.

I don't think there's anything here.

Gene? What do you got?

"They gathered around Captain Tina..."

You saved our rear ends, Captain Tina.

You saved all our rear ends.

Earn this. Earn this. Earn this.

- Earn this. Earn this. - Okay, yup.

Well, I'm still getting nothing over here.

I'm getting way too much, but none of it is helpful.

Wait. There's another one in here, Dad.

- Oh. Sorry. - Bad Daddy.

Okay. Yup. This must be the most recent.

It's pretty Blade Runner-y,

which is the last movie we watched.

-Mm. -A little of.

"Tina Bot stares at the Wagstell Manufacturing building.

She's back where it all began."

Okay, so it's hammer time o'clock.

Oop, no. Got to hide and wait

for all the newspeople to leave.

So, it's a quarter to hammer time o'clock?

Well, what does it all mean?

Should we throw Tina a robot-themed birthday party?

Yes, please. Do that for all of us.

Dad's been hinting.

I'm actually starting to worry about where Tina is.

Guys, let me just keep reading.

Listen for codes, listen for clues.

Aah! This is Blue's Clues all over again.

"Tina Bot can't get

- into the wiper room..." - Denied.

Denied.

Denied. Denied.

Ow.

Whoa, wait a minute.

I think I might have just figured out where Tina is.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- And it's not good. - It's not?

The wiper machine in Tina's story,

the one Tina Bot is gonna destroy...

Yeah, why is she so mad at that thing?

We could all use a wiper machine,

- if you know what I mean. - Gene, shush. Louise, say more.

Tina's gonna do that in real life.

She's gonna try to destroy

the Wow or Weird touch screen computer thing.

What? No. That's... No.

Yeah, Tina's a good girl.

Uh-huh. Look at this.

P.S. Have to think of a plan

to destroy the Wow or Weird touch screen hardware.

- Oh. Oh! - Oh... my God.

Also...

P.P.S. Would be cool

if didn't get caught and family never found out.

Oh, boy.

What about a Wow or Weird,

- special bathroom edition? - Ew!

That's where people go to the bathroom.

Okay, beautiful, expensive touch screen hardware,

gonna lock the door to keep you nice and safe.

Good night. I love you.

Oh, no, it's gonna be a bad night, touch screen.

A real bad night.

Ow, that's the pointy side.

Here we go.

Oh, wow.

That's a lot of whatever these are.

Um, this one?

Okay, probably should have asked Louise

how to use her lock-picking kit.

If I was willing to admit what I was doing,

but I'm not, 'cause I'm scared.

Ooh, I'm getting somewhere. Nope, nope.

Now it's stuck in there.

Maybe I should just stick 'em all in?

And call customer support for lock-picking?

♪ Doh, da-doh-doh ♪

♪ And I said doh-dee-dah-doh. ♪

Yeah, that didn't work. Taking 'em out.

Hey! You!

- What are you doing? - Oh, no!

Darn it, I was hoping this would be

an easy, laid-back evening of security-guarding,

but no.

Stop, suspicious in-school-after-hours person!

Charlie horse! Oh, gosh. Okay.

I'm going to stop to stretch briefly for a second.

And then you're in trouble,

'cause I will be all stretched out.

Got to hide. Got to hide.

Interesting...

Maybe take one deep whiff and then look for a place to hide.

Okay, got it.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I can't believe Tina's gonna destroy

that Wagstaff News computer thingy at school.

I know. Is she the coolest person in our family now?

This is gonna really ruin her birthday

'cause she'll be in juvey.

Unless they have fun birthday parties in juvey?

- Juvey jubilees? - Bob, where are you going?

- The school's that way. - Yeah, but the car's this way, I think.

The car? We can just run there. It's so close.

But if we take the car, then we'll be in a car.

Yeah, I tried running earlier and did not care for it.

I'm with Dad. Mom, you're dumped.

Let's stand here and talk about all of this some more, huh?

Come on, we're moving. Let's go.

Just pretend we're a different family

who doesn't hate exercise so much!

- Oh, God. - Damn it!

This idea seemed better

in my head.

Should I not be here?

Should I not be doing this?

Human Tina, you have to do this.

Oh. Um, hi.

Hi. It's the only way to stop them,

to stop the judgment.

Judging everyone all the time,

- like a bunch of judgy... judges. - Judys?

- Who? - Nothing.

And then everyone can be themselves and wear

whatever really fun horse

or not-horse-related shirts they want,

without fear.

You're right.

Hello?

- Okay, bye. - Are you in here,

running-away-from-me kid?

You can just say a simple yes or no.

Hi, Greg. Just working.

Chasing down a student, et cetera. What's up?

I sent you the design for the T-shirts.

You didn't get the JPEG?

Yeah, it says "Greg and Yuli and Ethan's

The Men Are Doing Maine."

Well, I'll send you the files,

and you can do all the drop shadows you want.

Okay, goodbye.

All right, if you're in here,

just do me a favor and stay put, okay?

It is a good T-shirt design.

Phew.

Does every T-shirt in the world have to be judged? Greg?

Though it does sound a little busy.

Crap. The gym window's not open.

It's always open.

Maybe they closed them for hot yoga?

I mean, I don't know if sneaking in a window of the school

would have been a great idea anyway.

Why, 'cause it's illegal?

'Cause it's trespassing? 'Cause of those dumb reasons?

Yeah, Bob, what'd you think we were gonna do here?

Say, "Knock, knock. Hi, our daughter's

possibly destroying some stuff inside. Mind if we come in?"

- Yeah, Dad. - Well, I wasn't gonna say "Knock, knock."

Okay, new plan: someone throws me up on the roof,

we go from there.

- Ooh... - Maybe...

-No. -Why not?!

Okay, I'm in.

Just gonna walk over here, nice and quiet.

Cool. Cool. Cool, cool.

Please let no one have heard that.

Okay, a few more little tweaks,

and then I send it to Greg,

and then it's back to hunting down the child culprit.

And I still don't think it needs a drop shadow.

Ooh, but what about outer glow?

Oh, boy.

Hammer, this has to stay between you and me.

Although maybe I should get rid of you after this.

Maybe throw you in the ocean?

But, hey, you might like it.

You could meet a hammerhead shark?

- Sorry. - It's not good.

It's the best we've got.

Dad, read the room.

Everyone's on board.

It makes sense, Bob.

We build a human catapult.

You lie crosswise on top of me,

Louise stands on your head. Gene jumps on your feet.

Boing! Louise goes flying.

- There's Tina. - Tina!

Oh, no. Shh!

We were looking for you!

Well, you found me, okay? Now shh!

I'm trying not to get caught, um, doing my schoolwork,

because they don't like that for some reason.

Oh... Got it.

Tina! Oh, my baby! Are you okay? Are you hungry?

Mom, it's fine. Could you just keep it down?

Right, sorry, sorry. Wait a minute.

Don't tell me to keep it down, Little Miss Being in School

When You're Not Supposed to Be and Breaking Things.

Tina, we found your journal stories.

- I mean, I found them. - I found the important one.

We read the robot story and the P.S.

and the P.P.S., and so we know you came here

to destroy the screen thingy.

We haven't finished it yet, so no spoilers.

So, what did you smash the screen with?

A crowbar? A baseball bat?

Your bare fists?

I brought our hammer.

- Nice. - We have a hammer?

There's my handyman.

But I haven't done it yet.

- Oh, good. - Oh, thank God.

Um, then maybe don't do it?

Ooh! That's a fun idea.

Yeah, 'cause of all the trouble you would get into?

H-How about let's get you out of there somehow

and then leave?

We-we could, you know, not punish you right away.

- First we could... - All go for boba?

I don't have my boba outfit on, but I can make this work.

Tina, we love you. We can talk about this.

No! This is... this is something I have to do.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Um, why?

♪ I bought myself a horse shirt ♪

♪ Thought it was pretty cool ♪

♪ I was flying high the day that I ♪

♪ Walked into this school ♪

♪ I felt like I was winning ♪

♪ Kicking fashion into high gear ♪

♪ But then look who is on the news ♪

♪ And they're calling my stuff weird ♪

♪ They think that they can get away ♪

♪ With filling us with doubt ♪

♪ But now there's just one thing to do ♪

♪ It's time to hammer this out ♪

♪ Picture a world ♪

♪ Where everyone's nice and happy ♪

♪ Doing our own thing ♪

♪ Without being made to feel crappy ♪

♪ And no one says mean things to us ♪

♪ Making us feel like failures ♪

♪ And for some reason Tammy and Jocelyn ♪

♪ Are banished to Australia ♪

♪ All we need to be free ♪

♪ Is to destroy a little property ♪

♪ And then they'll say ♪

♪ It's the day after judgment day ♪

Tina, sweetie.

♪ Even though I'm proud of you for trying to rebel ♪

♪ Picture a world ♪

♪ Where you get super expelled ♪

♪ Yeah, Tina, we were kind of hoping ♪

♪ That someday you would graduate ♪

♪ Or maybe don't even listen to them ♪

♪ And everything you're doing is great ♪

♪ Sorry, but I gotta pee ♪

♪ This JPEG is amazing ♪

♪ Picture a world ♪

♪ Where we're never scared to be ourselves again ♪

♪ Your plan's not great, we both agree ♪

♪ Picture a world where saying mean stuff ♪

- ♪ Maybe something ♪ - ♪ Gets you locked up ♪

-♪ That's less hammer-y ♪ -♪ In the pen ♪

♪ And we're holding hands and laughing ♪

♪ And we're standing in the sunshine ♪

♪ And Tammy and Jocelyn are working hard labor ♪

♪ In an Australian coal mine ♪

♪ Don't do this, please ♪

-♪ All we need to be free ♪ -♪ Leave it alone ♪

-♪ Or don't ♪ -♪ Is to destroy a little property ♪

- ♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪ - ♪ Just walk away ♪

-♪ Or not ♪ -♪ And then they'll say ♪

♪ 'Cause, no offense ♪

♪ It's the day after judgment day ♪

♪ Your plan's not so great ♪

♪ It's really great ♪

♪ It's not so great. ♪

I'm sorry. I'm doing this.

- No. -Uh, Tina. - What?

Uh... you should know that hammer is, uh...

it fell in the toilet.

Ew, gross. You should just drop it.

Oh. I'll wash my hands after?

- Tina, you're my hero. - Louise!

- Aw! Okay, here I go. - Tina.

- What? - I just wanted to say hi.

- Um, hi. - Hi.

Okay, guys, if I could just do this real quick?

Um... what...?

Hey... there.

Hmm. Where is that pesky nail?

- M'kay. - Uh, Tammy. What are you doing here?

I left my good ChapStick here, and I didn't want to get

any more school air on it.

So I banged on the door for, like, ten minutes,

and then the security guy let me in,

and I was like, "What took you so long?"

And he was like, "I definitely have not been

using the school computer,"

and I was like, "Whatever." Wait a minute.

What the fart, Tina? Why are you in the newsroom?

With a hammer? After school?

'Cause I'm a newsperson, and I know

that there's not usually hammers in newsrooms.

Uh... I...

Um, and why did you take down

the poster board stuff that we put on the window?

Uh... to give the equipment a nice view?

Wait, don't.

- Hi... -Hey there. - Hello.

Tina, I'll say it again.

- What. The. Fart? - Tina's, uh,

- sleepwalking. - Yeah, we got to get her home.

Also, yeah, she goes to bed at 5:30.

Mm-hmm.

O-M-God, Tina!

You were gonna smash something in here,

- weren't you? - What? No...

Mr. Grant told us that you talked to him

about shutting down the Wow or Weird segment.

You were gonna smash the touch screen!

No...

You sneaky little...

Hold on, I need some more ChapStick.

Screen smasher.

Wait, so I'm a hero, 'cause I stopped you

from smashing the touch screen.

And now I'm gonna shout for the security guard

to come and tackle you and take you to jail.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Tammy, just listen to me.

The Wow or Weird segment is awful.

It's mean. It's judgy.

It makes people feel terrible about themselves.

Um, Tina, that's super hypocritical,

'cause you just made me feel bad about myself.

So, yeah.

Ugh! I'm just gonna do it.

- I don't care if I get in trouble. - What? No.

- Tina, no! - Wait! Tina!

Uh, listen. This Wow or Weird segment,

which, by the way, does not seem like news...

- Uh, it's news. - It's not, but, you know,

people are always gonna find a way to judge other people.

To write that you're poop or crap

on the bathroom wall of your restaurant,

which makes you cry a little bit

when you clean it up, but, um... yeah.

Is that the end of your speech?

What your father's trying to say is,

you got to find a way to live in a world

that's gonna judge you.

Even if I want to find everyone who makes you feel bad

and hit 'em with a bag of oranges.

- Lin. - What? Shush.

Everybody feels kind of fragile about who we are.

We all worry about people thinking we're weird

or we're crap or we're lame.

- Do kids still say "lame"? - Lame ones do. Just kidding.

Kids say "lamb" when we're talking about kebabs.

And, hey, maybe it would be easier to have a machine

that would wipe us so we'd never do anything

that would get us judged again.

But, if we did, then we'd also be wiping out

the part that gives us moments

of being brave and expressing ourselves.

I feel like what I was trying to say wasn't as smart as that,

and your mom is kind of helping me realize that,

yeah, sometimes the things you do that make you vulnerable,

they wouldn't mean as much if everyone just loved everything.

I'm not really following,

but I also don't want anyone to talk anymore.

Maybe you guys are right.

Maybe I shouldn't destroy school property

and probably get expelled.

- Oh, good. - Oh, thank god. -Aw, nuts.

Here, Dad, catch.

- Oh, God, please don't. - Right, right.

Okay. I'm done with the other thing,

and now I'm back to finding you, school prowler person.

- Oh, no. He's coming. - What's happening? What do we do?

We need a cover story. We're charming vagrants.

Quick, let's find a trash can

with a fire in it and sing around it.

Are you in...

this room? Oh.

It's the girl who banged on the door really loud.

Uh, everything okay in here?

Uh...

Yup. Just me in here.

Nobody else.

That was not me. That was you. So, bye.

All right.

Oh! Greg loves the new JPEG.

He loves it! Road trip!

- Tammy, why didn't you tell on me? - I don't know.

Don't make a big deal about it.

I mean, maybe I only started the Wow or Weird segment

because I had to get braces, and then I was worried

people were gonna be all... about it,

and so I wanted to say they were wow

before someone said they were weird.

- You were worried people were gonna judge you? - What?

No. Never. How could anyone judge me? I'm great.

Well, thanks.

I better go. I guess, out the window?

Um, does this work for everyone?

Oh. Okay. Yeah.

Tammy, I just want to say, it's kind of nice to know

we're sort of in this together.

- Okay, yup, bye, closing the window on your head. - Oh, um, but... Okay.

I got her. I got her.

- Ah! - Ah! Sorry.

That's fine.

And that croissant looks like a sloth.

And that ends our segment,

Food That Looks Like Animals.

And now our super new new segment

that's replacing our old new new segment,

Star-thodontics.

Oh, look at her. Ooh, look at him.

I'd chugga chugga choo choo on those railroad tracks.

I promise you this, I'm gonna spend

the rest of my life looking for him, Bob.

I might quit my job.

Although I kind of need to make money.

Uh-huh.

Two Burgers of the Day.

- Thank you. -Thanks. - Enjoy.

- Mmm. - Mmm. Told you.

- So good, right? -So good. - What'd you say, Bob?

- Nothing. - This is such a great burger.

Pleather pants, like from Grease.

Tina's birthday saved.

I'm a genius.

Olivia Newton-John is a genius.

We're both geniuses and we're cool.

Nothing else matters anymore. This is everything.

You're gonna live in me now.

Here's this.

♪ Call me what you wanna ♪

♪ Honey, I'm just gonna ♪

♪ Dance, dance, and boogie-oogie-oogie ♪

♪ Call me what you wanna ♪

♪ Honey, I'm just gonna ♪

♪ Dance, dance, and boogie-oogie-oogie ♪

- ♪ Ooh... ♪ - ♪ Dance... dance... dance ♪

♪ You know I wanna boogie ♪

- ♪ Ooh... ♪ - ♪ Dance... dance... dance ♪

- ♪ You know I wanna boogie ♪ - ♪ Ooh... ♪

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