Original subtitles

[ CHEERING ]

[ SINGING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

>> HA!

BACK FROM THE DEAD, ASSHOLES!

[ EWOKS SCREAMING ]

[ LAUGHS ]

OH HO HO!

BOBA'S GOT HIMSELF A LIGHTSABER

NOW!

OH HO HO HO HO!

MAKE IT TWO!

OOH, RED AND BLUE.

WHEN I PUT IT TOGETHER, WHAT

DOES IT MAKE?

PURPLE RAIN!

OH, NO, HE'S GETTIN' AWAY!

WHAT'S THIS BUTTON HERE?

SAYS "LONG-RANGE MISSILE."

COULDN'T POSSIBLY -- COULD IT?

[ LAUGHS ]

AND THE QUARTERBACK IS TOAST!

>> OH, BOBA!

>> HEY, HEY, HE GOT THE GIRL.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE CLOTHING?

WHY DON'T YOU -- THERE'S MORE

COMFORTABLE.

RIGHT ON.

OH, CAREFUL OF THE ANTENNA,

BABY.

>> AND THAT WOULD BE THE MOST

AWESOMEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN

IN THE HISTORY OF EVER!

>> CAN SOMEBODY GET ME A SOCK?

>> [ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ MECHANICAL BREATHING ]

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

>> HEY, YOU'RE GONNA BE MAD,

ALFONSO.

I HAVEN'T HAD TIME TO GET IT

CUT, AND MY HAIR IS WHAAAH!

>> DON'T WORRY!

WE WILL HAVE YOU LOOKING

PERFECT, SIR!

[ LAUGHS ]

UH-OH!

LOOK AT YOU!

YOU LOOK CRAZY!

>> I KNOW.

I LOOK CRAZY.

>> WELL, LET'S GET STARTED.

AND HOW IS THE EMPIRE COMING

ALONG?

LAST TIME, YOU WERE VERY EXCITED

ABOUT YOUR DEATH STAR.

>> LET'S JUST SAY WE'RE ALREADY

BUILDING ANOTHER ONE.

>> UH-OH!

>> YEAH, I'VE GOT VADER ON IT.

UGH. JUST SAYING HIS NAME

STRESSES MY ASS!

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> UH-OH!

>> YEAH?

>> TURN YOUR HEAD FOR ME,

PLEASE.

>> YOU LOST THEM?

>> UH-OH!

>> I-I CAN'T HOLD YOUR HAND

ANYMORE, VADER.

A HAND I GAVE YOU, I MIGHT ADD!

NO! NO! SHUT UP!

>> UH-OH!

>> I-I-I GOT TO PUT YOU ON HOLD!

I JUST WANT TO THROW MYSELF IN A

HOT BATH AND CRY.

>> OH, NO!

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOME GUYS?

WHAT ABOUT A BOUNTY HUNTER?

>> A WHAT, NOW?

>> YOU KNOW, A GUY WHO LOOKS FOR

A GUY FOR MONEY.

MY SISTER'S DATING ONE.

>> ALFONSO, YOU'RE A LIFESAVER!

WHAT'S YOUR MIDI-CHLORIAN COUNT?

SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO WE NEED TO

DO?

>> WE PUT AN AD IN THE PAPER.

BOUNTY HUNTERS FROM EVERYWHERE

ARE LOOKING, LOOKING, LOOKING,

AND THEN WE GOT THIS GUY!

>> I LIKE IT.

AND I LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING!

>> WELL, YOU GOT THE FACE FOR

IT!

>> FRIGHT FANS!

IT'S THE GEONOSIAN SEPARATIST

HOT POD SUMMER CHAMPIONSHIP!

>> CHAMPIONSHIP!

>> KICK IT TO THE GEONOSIAN AREA

THIS SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.

>> SUNDAY, SUNDAY.

>> FEATURING THE 50,000 CREDIT

BATTLE FOR THE "MONSTER BEAST

CHALLENGE SERIES."

WITH ACKLAY!

MONSTER BEAST!

REEK!

AND NEXU!

TAKING ON TWO ROBE-CLAD,

FORCE-MAD, DEAD-EYE JEDI

WARRIORS!

>> FORCE MAD!

>> TICKETS NOW AT ALL HOLO-TRON

OUTLETS AND GEONOSIAN ARENA BOX

OFFICE.

THIS SATURDAY, 7:30 P.M.!

SPECIAL SHOW, SUNDAY 1:30!

>> BRING THE KIDS!

>> ONLY AT THE GEONOSIAN ARENA.

IT'S AWESOME, AWESOME, AWESOME!

>> LUKE, WHAT'S WRONG?

>> I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE BEN'S

GONE.

>> OH!

DID THE 80-YEAR-OLD MAN YOU JUST

MET YESTERDAY DIE?

I MEAN, SORRY IF I DIDN'T

NOTICE.

I WAS A LITTLE BUSY THINKING

ABOUT MY ENTIRE FAMILY AND THE

OTHER 2 BILLION PEOPLE FROM

ALDERAAN WHO WERE JUST VAPORIZED

INTO DUST 'BOUT THREE HOURS AGO.

>> [ BEEPING ]

>> GARY, WHERE IS JESSICA?

ISN'T TODAY "TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER

TO WORK DAY?"

>> NO ONE ACTUALLY DOES THAT.

>> GARY, YOU PROMISED.

>> KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN, JESSICA!

>> OKAY, DADDY! OH!

MR. FUZZYBOTTOM!

>> [ GROANS ]

OH! UGH!

AHHH!

[ PANTING ]

HERE YOU GO, BABY.

>> WHO IS THIS LITTLE GIRL?

>> OH! LORD VADER!

UH...IT'S "TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO

WORK DAY," AND I KNOW, UH -- YOU

KNOW, I'M SORRY FOR BRINGING

HER, BUT MY WIFE SAYS I NEVER

SEE HER, AND -- AND LET'S BE

HONEST.

SHE'S RIGHT.

OKAY? SHE'S RIGHT.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

'CAUSE, I MEAN, THEY CHANGE YOUR

WORLD.

OH, I'M PROBABLY GONNA GET FIRED

FOR THIS, BUT [BLEEP] IT.

I LOVE MY DAUGHTER.

>> THAT REALLY HITS ME WHERE I

LIVE.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THOSE

PLANS?

GARY HERE NEVER SEES HIS

DAUGHTER BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE

YOU!

[ BONES SNAP ]

I'M SO SORRY YOU HAD TO SEE

THAT.

ARE YOU HAVING FUN, BEING AT

WORK WITH YOUR FATHER?

>> MMMM.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

I KNOW, I'M SCARY.

>> THESE AREN'T THE DROIDS

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

>> THESE AREN'T THE DROIDS WE'RE

LOOKING FOR.

>> YES, THEY ARE.

>> MOVE ALONG.

>> MOVE ALONG.

>> DADDY, YOU'RE NOT EVEN

TRYING!

>> BABY, IT IS 165 DEGREES ON

THIS PLANET!

I CAN'T HEAR IN THIS THING!

I WAS JUST REPEATING WHAT I

THOUGHT THE GUY WAS SAYING!

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S MY OWN

MOTHER[BLEEP] THOUGHT ON THE

MATTER, OKAY?!

>> [ CRYING ]

>> HON-- OH!

BABY!

>> SEE?

THAT'S WHY I DON'T TAKE MY

DAUGHTER TO JACK [BLEEP]

>> MAKE HER TELL US THE LOCATION

OF THE REBEL BASE.

>> GOOD GOD, MAN!

I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A SAVAGE!

THIS IS A FLU SHOT!

GOOD DAY, SIR!

>> YOU WILL MAKE HER --

>> I SAID, "GOOD DAY, SIR!"

>> WHAT THE...

YOU TRYING TO DROWN THAT KID?

WHAT ARE YOU INJECTING THERE?

IS THIS THE BLOODY DARK AGES?!

WHY DON'T YOU JUST THROW SOME

LEECHES IN THERE!

OH, NOBODY LISTEN TO DR. BALL.

HE'S JUST AN OLD FOOL!

SHE'S LOST THE WILL TO LIVE?!

WHAT IS YOUR DEGREE IN, POETRY?

YOU SORRY BUNCH OF HIPPIES.

FOR GOD'S SAKES, DON'T USE THE

BILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF MEDICAL

EQUIPMENT AROUND US.

WHY DON'T WE ALL JUST GET ON OUR

KNEES AND PRAY?

WE DON'T HAVE KNEES, YOU

MOTHER[BLEEP]

>> OKAY, KID, MR. AKBAR HERE IS

READY TO TAKE THIS AD CAMPAIGN

COAST TO COAST.

WHAT HAVE YOU COME UP WITH?

[ KNUCKLES CRACK ]

>> ♪ AKBAR'S FISH STICKS

FROM THE SEA ♪

♪ THEY COOK SO TENDER

AND FLAKY ♪

♪ WHIP SOME UP FOR YOU AND ME ♪

♪ TO PASS THEM UP

IS A BIG MISTAKEY ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

>> "BIG MISTAKEY"?

>> IT'S A NO, GUYS.

[ ALL GROAN ]

>> I THINK IT WORKS BETTER AS AN

INSTRUMENTAL ANYWAY.

>> THERE'S ONE.

SET FOR STUN.

UGH!

>> HE SAID STUN.

[ CRYING ]

IT WASN'T GONNA HURT YA.

HE SAID STUN.

[ BEEPING ]

>> [ ROARS ]

>> [ SCREECHES, GASPS ]

[ BEEPING ]

[ ALARM BLARING ]

[ GLUG! GLUG! GLUG! GLUG! ]

WHOO!

>> GO TO THE JEDI TEMPLE.

DO WHAT MUST BE DONE.

>> MR. SKYWALKER.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> ALL OF YOU LINE UP, OLDEST TO

YOUNGEST.

>> WHAT FOR, SIR?

>> UM...A TREAT.

[ EXCITED CHATTERING ]

UM...EVERYONE JUST, UH, CLOSE

YOUR EYES REAL TIGHT AND PUT

YOUR FINGERS IN YOUR EARS.

NO PEEKING.

>> MR. SKYWALKER, CAN MY TREAT

JUST BE A HUG?

>> YOU CAN DO THIS, ANAKIN.

JUST -- JUST GO TO YOUR HAPPY

PLACE.

OH, REMEMBER THE FIELDS OF

NABOO, WHERE YOU FELL IN LOVE.

YEAH.

YEAH!

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

OH, YEAH!

OH, NATURE!

I FEEL ALIVE!

OH, YEAH!

AAH, HYAH!

OH, I'M SO IN LOVE.

AAH, HYAH!

RA-A-A-R!

[ Laughing ] WHERE YOU GOING?

COME HERE.

YEAH!

OH, YEAH!

THAT WAS NICE.

>> ANAKIN, I'M HOME!

>> OH, GOOD.

I LEFT YOU SOME FRESH-CUT

SUNFLOWERS ON THE DINING TABLE.

>> OH, ANIE, THAT IS SO...

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

>> OUR FORCES ARE ALMOST IN

PLACE.

[ ENGINE REVVING ]

>> THIS IS GENERAL VEERS.

BEGIN YOUR ATTACK.

>> YEEEEE-HAW!

>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

SLOW DOWN.

>> OW!

>> OOH!

>> HERE THEY COME!

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!

>> YOU JUST PASSED THEM.

YOU GOT TO TUR-- LOOK OUT!

[ AT-AT SQUEALING ]

>> YEAH!

THAT WAS AWESOME!

WHOO-HOO!

>> GENERAL VEERS, REPORT ON THE

ATTACK.

>> UH, UH...

HA HA!

WHOO!

I LOVE THIS THING!

>> THIS IS IT, MOM.

EVERYONE HAS A DESTINY, AND MINE

IS JUST OVER THAT HORIZON.

>> KRAYT, LISTEN TO REASON.

THE ELDERS ALL SAY IT'S JUST A

NEVER-ENDING OCEAN OF DESERT OUT

THERE.

>> OH, PISHPOSH.

WHAT KIND OF CRUEL GOD WOULD

CREATE A WHOLE PLANET DEFINED BY

JUST ONE TOPOGRAPHICAL FEATURE?

WHY, THAT'D BE AS RIDICULOUS AS

A WHOLE WORLD MADE OF NOTHING

BUT ICE, LAVA, OR FOREST.

NO, SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO

DIG DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOURSELF

AND FIND THE COURAGE TO SAY,

LOOK OUT, WORLD.

HERE COMES KRAYT DRAGON.

>> WHAT IS THY BIDDING, MY

MASTER?

>> MY BIDDING?

HOW ABOUT I BID THEE TO STOP

RAMMING THE SHIP INTO [BLEEP]

ASTEROID FIELDS?

CAN YOU HANDLE THAT?

>> I'M TRYING.

>> YEAH? WELL, THERE IS NO TRY.

THERE'S DO AND THERE'S [BLEEP]

ROYAL.

AND YOU ARE [BLEEP] ROYAL, SO

I'M HIRING BOUNTY HUNTERS TO DO

THE JOB.

>> BUT I --

>> NO BUTS.

IT'S ALREADY RINGING.

YOU LOOK SO TINY DOWN THERE,

LIKE A LITTLE MEAN PEPPER

SHAKER.

SHEILA, HEY, IT'S PALPATINE.

LISTEN, I NEED YOU TO PLACE AN

AD FOR ME, WILL YOU?

IMPERIAL EMPEROR SEEKING BOUNTY

HUNTERS TO, UM -- TO FIND AND

LOCATE -- YEAH, I GUESS THAT IS

THE SAME THING.

OKAY, TO LOCATE THE

MILLENNIUM FALCON.

SHE'S TYPING.

SO ALL YOU SEE IS MY HEAD, HUH?

CAN YOU SEE THIS?

WHO-O-O-O-O-O-O-OP! UP!

>> YES, I C--

>> NO, I'M HERE.

RIGHT.

OH, AND BE SURE TO MENTION SOME

KIND OF A REWARD.

WHAT? OH, I DON'T KNOW.

HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK?

REALLY?

THAT SEEMS A LITTLE HIGH TO ME.

NO, I SEE YOUR POINT.

I TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON'T WE

JUST SAY "SUBSTANTIAL REWARD"

AND LEAVE IT AT THAT?

OKAY, THANKS, SHEILA.

WHAT?

[ SIGHS ]

SURE. WHAT'S HIS NAME?

DENGAR?

SOUNDS GOOD.

YEAH, NO, WE'LL BRING HIM IN

FIRST THING.

OKAY. OKAY, BYE-BYE.

SHEILA'S HUSBAND'S A BOUNTY

HUNTER.

I TOLD HER WE'D GIVE HIM A

LOOK-SEE.

>> [ MECHANICAL BREATHING ]

>> BET THAT KNEE'S STARTING TO

HURT.

PERSON, NOT AN ACTOR, SO TO TELL

HER STORY, WE HIRED THE STAR OF

"PHANTOM MENACE."

>> I WAS DRIVING DOWN MY STREET

WHEN A TRUCK HIT ME HEAD-ON.

>> OSA-NOES!

THERE'S A TRUCK A-COMIN'!

AAAAH!

WE'S-A GONNA DIE!

>> YES.

I WAS FINE, BUT THE CAR WAS

TOTALED.

>> WHOO-EE PATOOTIE!

IT'S A MESS!

GOT THE ENGINE OVER HERE, BUT

THE WHEEL FOR STEERIN' WAY OVER

THERE!

AAH!

>> MY AGENT AT GECKO INSURANCE

SENT ME A CHECK RIGHT AWAY.

>> YOU-SA NOT EVEN GONNA BELIEVE

THIS.

JA WHEH.

WE WIN DA MONEY.

WHOOPEE!

WHA-AAAAH!

WHOA!

>> UM, I THINK I WAS EXPLAINING

IT BETTER THAN HE WAS.

>> GECKO -- REAL HELP.

REAL MONEY.

>> ME-SA THINKS ME BROKE ME

BOMBAD SPINE!

DID -- DID THEY SAY CUT?

>> BOUNTY HUNTERS?

WE DON'T NEED THEIR SCUM.

>> MY BROTHER'S A BOUNTY HUNTER,

GARETH.

>> THERE WILL BE A SUBSTANTIAL

REWARD FOR WHOEVER CAPTURES THE

MILLENNIUM FALCON.

IS HE PAYING ATTENTION?

[ MECHANICAL BREATHING ]

[ HORN SOUNDS, CROWD CHEERING ]

>> CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED,

RIGHT, FELLAS?

GOT TO HUNT THAT BOUNTY, BUT THE

BOUNTY'S IN THE HUNT, I ALWAYS

SAY.

TRICKS OF THE TRADE, TRADE

SECRET -- DISINTEGRATION

DEVICES.

D-GUNS, D-BOMBS, D-MISSILES.

I'M THE DISINTEGRATION MACHINE.

WANT A GUY DISINTEGRATED, GET ME

INTEGRATED.

THAT'S DENGAR'S MOTTO.

>> I WANT THEM ALIVE.

NO DISINTEGRATIONS.

>> AS YOU WISH.

>> AW, SHUCKS.

SEE YOU AT THE FINISH LINE,

A-HOLE.

>> WHERE MY KEYS?

BEST BOUNTY HUNTER IN THE

LEAGUE.

>> BETTER STOP SOFT-SHOEING.

>> WE ARE BOUNTY HUNTERS!

>> I GOT TO SAY, BOBA, THIS IS

ONE BEAUTY OF A SHIP.

I'M NOT CRAZY ABOUT THE NAME,

THOUGH.

I'VE MADE A DEAL THAT WILL KEEP

THE EMPIRE OUT OF OUR AFFAIRS

FOREVER.

>> [ ROARS ]

>> WE'D BE HONORED IF YOU COULD

JOIN US.

[ GRUMBLING ]

[ SLURPING ]

>> C-CAN I GET A LITTLE MORE

WATER?

>> WHAT?

>> NOTHING! [ CLEARS THROAT ]

I JUST ASKED FOR MORE WATER.

HMM?

>> KEEK!

>> [ GROWLS ]

>> PEOW!

>> [ BLOWING ]

>> [ IMITATES CREAKING ]

>> [ GROWLS ]

>> SO, HOW WE DOING?

LEIA, HOW'S THE SOUP?

YOU EVER HAD SOUP THIS GOOD?

>> YES, ON ALDERAAN.

>> HEY, PRINCESS, LET IT

G-O-O-O-O-O-O.

"OH, HELP ME.

WE'RE A PEACEFUL PLANET."

"YOU MAY FIRE WHEN READY."

KA-BO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OM!

BIG LASER.

[ IMITATES GUNFIRE ]

ALDERAAN CHUNKS EVERYWHERE.

PSHEEEEW!

>> ANYONE, UH -- ANYONE GOT A

JOKE?

>> I'VE GOT ONE.

WHO'S GOT TWO THUMBS AND

BETRAYED HIS BEST FRIEND?

THIS GUY!

[ LAUGHS ]

UH, TOO SOON?

>> WELL, IT'S BEEN A TIME AND A

HALF.

BUT -- [ YAWNS ]

LOT OF TORTURING TO DO.

A-BROO-BOO-BOO.

DO-DE-DA-LE-DO-DO.

AROOOO!

>> HI. HAVE YOU OR SOMEONE YOU

KNOW BEEN PERMANENTLY

HANDICAPPED BY A JEDI?

IF SO, CALL ME, BOB GOLDSTEIN,

AT NABOO-5-SUE-JEDI.

I'LL GET YOU THE MONEY YOU

DESERVE FAST.

I HAVE OVER 10 YEARS'

EXPERIENCE, AND I'M READY TO

WORK FOR YOU.

>> AT LAST WE WILL HAVE OUR

REVENGE.

>> YOU CALL NOW.

>> I LOVE YOU.

>> I KNOW.

>> [ MOANS ]

>> THAT I DID NOT KNOW.

>> LEIA AND THE WOOKIEE MUST

NEVER AGAIN LEAVE THIS CITY.

>> THAT WAS NEVER A CONDITION OF

OUR ARRANGEMENT, NOR WAS GIVING

HAN TO THIS BOUNTY HUNTER.

>> I HAVE ALTERED THE DEAL.

PRAY I DON'T ALTER IT ANY

FURTHER.

>> THIS DEAL'S GETTING WORSE ALL

THE TIME.

>> FURTHERMORE, I WISH YOU TO

WEAR THIS DRESS AND BONNET.

>> THIS WAS NEVER A CONDITION OF

OUR ARRANGEMENT.

>> I HAVE ALTERED THE DEAL.

PRAY I DON'T ALTER IT ANY

FURTHER.

>> THIS DEAL'S GETTING WORSE ALL

THE TIME.

>> HERE IS A UNICYCLE.

YOU WILL RIDE IT WHEREVER YOU

GO.

>> WHAT? I'M NOT RIDING NO

[BLEEP] UNICYCLE!

>> I HAVE ALTERED THE DEAL.

PRAY I DON'T ALTER IT ANY

FURTHER.

>> THIS DEAL IS GETTING WORSE

ALL THE TIME!

>> ALSO, YOU ARE TO WEAR THESE

CLOWN SHOES AND REFER TO

YOURSELF AS MARY.

>> OH [BLEEP] YOU, MAN!

I'M NOT DOING IT!

>> I HAVE ALTERED THE DEAL.

PRAY I DON'T ALTER IT ANY

FURTHER.

>> THIS DEAL...

IS VERY FAIR, AND I'M HAPPY TO

BE A PART OF IT.

[ SHOE SQUEAKS ]

>> JOIN ME, AND TOGETHER WE CAN

RULE THE GALAXY AS FATHER AND

SON.

>> FATHER AND SON?

HUH.

>> ♪ THINK OF ALL THE TIME

WE WASTED ♪

♪ SO MANY PLANS WE NEVER MADE ♪

>> OKAY, DON'T LET GO.

DON'T LET GO, DAD.

DON'T -- DON'T LET GO.

I'M DOING IT!

WHOO!

I'M DOING IT!

I'M DOING IT!

DAD!

YEAH!

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY,

HEY!

>> ♪ CRACK, JAM, TAKE IT DOWN,

SLAM IT ♪

♪ PICK IT BACK UP,

BUT DON'T FORGET TO RAM IT ♪

>> ♪ I MAKE THE ROUNDS,

THEN I DOUBLE BACK ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M DOUBLING TWICE

AROUND ♪

♪ I MAKE THE ROUNDS,

THEN I DOUBLE BACK ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M DOUBLING TWICE

AROUND ♪

♪ I MAKE THE ROUNDS ♪

>> FATHER AND SON.

WH-WH-AAAAAH!

>> AAH!

>> WHAT?

>> OH, I SAID, AAH, I CAN'T

BELIEVE THIS APARTMENT'S PRICED

SO LOW.

IT'S GOT A WASHER AND DRYER,

CENTRAL AIR.

>> WHAT DOES THIS DO?

>> YOU KNOW, I'M NOT QUITE SURE.

UH, GARBAGE DISPOSAL?

>> AAAH!

>> WELL, APPARENTLY IT DOES

NOTHING.

HOW'S THE CABLE IN THIS PLACE?

>> CRYSTAL CLEAR SATELLITE TV.

>> AAH! UGH!

>> [ SCOFFS ]

CLOUD CITY.

MORE LIKE CRAP CITY IF YOU ASK

ME.

>> I'LL HAVE THE CALAMARI.

>> WELL, I GUESS I'LL HAVE THE

INSENSITIVE BITCH, WITH A SIDE

OF [BLEEP] YOU.

>> AAAAAH!

HELLO!

MEANT TO DO IT.

>> THANK GOODNESS.

I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THIS

THOUSAND YEARS OF DIGESTION

ALONE.

HOW DID YOU FALL IN?

>> WHAT? FELL IN?

HA HA!

VOLUNTEERED, MORE LIKE IT.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN IT.

YOU WOULD'VE DUG IT THE MOST.

I WAS FLYING AROUND WITH MY JET

PACK, JUST SMOKIN' REBELS WITH

MY LASER.

BA-BOOM BA-BOOM BA-BOOM.

HAN SOLO WAS ALL, "HEY, WAIT."

AND I'M LIKE, "OH, I'VE BEEN

WAITING FOR THIS FOR A LONG

TIME, SOLO."

BA-BANG!

THE BIG, BAD WOOKIEE BE GROWLING

IN HELL NOW.

I EVEN PUT ONE BETWEEN

SKYWALKER'S EYES, RIGHT BETWEEN

THOSE PRETTY BABY BLUES.

BUT THEN JABBA THE HUTT WAS ALL,

"OH, NO, THIS GUY'S TOO BADASS,

MAN."

SO THEN 80 JEDI SHOWED UP.

I TOOK OUT ABOUT 67 OF THEM, BUT

THEN 20 DUDES FINALLY FLANKED

ME.

AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT,

KIDS?

IT'S BEEN REAL, DADDY-O, BUT I'M

NOT GIVING YOU THE PLEASURE."

SO I JUMPED INTO THE PIT MYSELF.

ON THE WAY DOWN, I WAS THINKING,

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE LEFT 'EM A

PARTY FAVOR.

OH, I DID -- A THERMO DETONATOR

RIGHT UP THEIR ASS.

BA-BOOM!

>> OH, THAT'S AWESOME.

AT LEAST YOU DIDN'T GO OUT LIKE

A PUNK.

>> YEAH.

OH, 'CAUSE I LOOKED LIKE A

BADASS.

[ SNIFFLES ]

[ SOBBING ]

>> ARE YOU CRYING?

>> NO.

HUH?

THAT'S FUNNY.

[ SNIFFLES ]

DA-DA-DA DAAAAA-DA.

DA-DA-DA DAAAAA-DA.

I'M OKAY.

>> WELCOME, MY MASTER.

THE DEATH STAR CONSTRUCTION --

>> YEAH, GREAT. FINE. WHATEVER.

THAT FLIGHT WAS A [BLEEP]

NIGHTMARE, MAN.

MY STUPID TRAY TABLE BROKE, AND

I ENDED UP WITH A GALLON OF

COFFEE IN MY CROTCH.

IT'S LIKE DUNKING MY WANG IN HOT

LAVA, SOMETHING YOU HAVE SOME

EXPERIENCE WITH, I GUESS, HUH?

RIGHT?

>> YES.

>> HA HA!

>> IS THAT YOURS?

>> NO, FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME,

THAT'S THAT SAME STUPID BLACK

BAG.

MINE DOESN'T HAVE A STRIPE.

IT'S LIKE THAT STRIPY BAG IS

MOCKING ME.

[BLEEP] YOU, STRIPY BAG.

WELL, MY SUITCASE IS GONE.

SACRIFICED TO THE AIRPORT GODS.

NOW I'M HERE FOR TWO [BLEEP]

WEEKS WITH ONE [BLEEP] ROBE.

ALL RIGHT, NOW IT'S STICKING TO

ME LIKE A WET KLEENEX.

WOW, FOR REAL?

YEAH, GUESS I'LL JUST BE KILLING

MYSELF, THEN.

GOOD CHAIR, GOOD CHAIR.

NICE LUMBAR SUPPORT.

GREAT VIEW OF...UTTER BLACKNESS.

[ AIR-CONDITIONING HUMMING ]

OH, FOR -- I'M RIGHT UNDER THE

AIR-CONDITIONING VENT.

AND THE CHAIR'S BOLTED TO THE

FLOOR?

WHO'S THE BRAINIAC --

HEY, CRAYOLA, HELP ME SHUT THIS

VENT.

YEAH, REACH UP THERE WITH YOUR

STAFF OF RA AND --

[ AIR GUSTING ]

HEY, WANT TO SEE ME TEMPT FATE?

COULD THIS DAY GET ANY WORSE?

I DID IT IRONICALLY, SO I THINK

I'M SAFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PUT ME DOWN.

AAAAH!

[ CHICKENS CLUCKING "STAR WARS"

THEME ]

>> CONVENE ALL SHIPS ON ENDOR.

I WANT THE MOON OBLITERATED AND

THE REBELS WIPED FROM THE FACE

OF THE GALAXY.

>> SORRY, SIR.

ACTUALLY, WE CAN'T.

THE REBELS HAVE WON.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THEY WON?

WE HAVE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF

SHIPS.

WE -- WE CONTROL COUNTLESS

WORLDS.

WE HAVE MILLIONS OF TROOPS AT

OUR DISPOSAL.

>> BUT THEY JUST BLEW UP THE

SECOND DEATH STAR AND KILLED THE

EMPEROR.

>> SO?

>> SO, THAT MEANS THEY WON.

>> HOW DOES THAT MEAN THEY WON?

THEY BLEW UP THE FIRST DEATH

STAR YEARS AGO, AND THE FIGHTING

CONTINUED.

>> YES, BUT THEY DIDN'T KILL THE

EMPEROR.

THEY HAD TO DO BOTH.

>> WE CAN'T FIGHT BACK?

>> NO. SORRY.

THIS IS THE END OF THE EMPIRE.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH, 'FRAID SO.

THAT'S IT, THEN.

>> WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

>> I GUESS WE CAN GO GET A

MASSAGE.

>> LET'S DO THAT.