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1
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:07,007
So... Nina
tells me
2
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,809
that, uh, your
friend Todd
3
00:00:08,909 --> 00:00:10,678
from film school
is lighting a fire
4
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:12,313
under you as a director?
5
00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:14,482
Yes. Yes, sir. That is true.
Hmm...
6
00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:16,284
Good, good.
Oh.
7
00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:17,918
Well, I, uh,
8
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,653
wanted to see you
outside of the office
9
00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:21,522
because I have
some great news for you.
10
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:22,690
As you know,
11
00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:25,059
uh, I have wonderful contacts.
12
00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:26,360
Um, one
of whom,
13
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,696
my friend Gregory, is a billy.
14
00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:30,464
Oh, wait, so his name is Billy?
15
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,533
It's so obvious
you don't have money.
16
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,369
No, he's a billionaire.
17
00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:38,271
(chuckling):
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
18
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:39,340
So that makes you a milly?
19
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:41,008
Yes.
And that makes me...
20
00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,776
A disappointment.
21
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,178
(both laugh)
22
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:45,379
Anyway,
23
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:47,114
he's invested
in my foam company,
24
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:51,051
and he's very keen
to invest in a film company.
25
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,221
Oh. Why?
Because he's
a billy
26
00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:55,723
and he always has to
find new ventures...
27
00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:59,227
So he doesn't become a milly?
Stop being silly.
28
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:01,162
(groans)
29
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:02,795
Anyway, um, I told him
30
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:03,864
I had a son-in-law.
31
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:05,032
I, um,
32
00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,299
purposely omitted the words
33
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,800
"I don't like him."
34
00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:09,036
Thank you.
35
00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:10,871
Actually, I lied.
I led with that.
36
00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:14,208
But I did tell him
that you were very talented
37
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:17,144
and that you, uh,
directed a wonderful commercial
38
00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:18,479
for my newest foam product,
39
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:19,647
and he wants
to see it
40
00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:20,781
this weekend.
41
00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:22,116
Wait a
minute. Uh,
42
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:24,351
I never directed
a commercial for you before.
43
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,220
(laughs)
44
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,888
(both laughing)
45
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:30,022
You're scaring me.
46
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,759
Good.
47
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,526
Why are we laughing?
48
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:35,963
I don't know.
Oh.
49
00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:37,064
But you better get started
50
00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:38,498
because you have
exactly two days
51
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:41,135
to make my latest invention
a household name.
52
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:44,572
Behold, the travel roller,
53
00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:48,242
aka the mini.
54
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:49,843
Oh.
55
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:52,480
Uh... that looks
like it's, um...
56
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:53,447
For carpal tunnel.
57
00:01:53,581 --> 00:01:55,047
Yes, and
for reaching
58
00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:57,351
tension in isolated
areas of the body.
59
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:58,619
The best part--
60
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,154
it vibrates.
61
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,925
Okay, now I know
I've seen that before.
62
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:06,960
No, you
couldn't have.
63
00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:09,797
This is a brand-new,
patent-pending invention.
64
00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:11,265
And here's
another thing.
65
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:13,533
I want you
to convince
66
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:17,438
your father to be
the spokesman for the mini.
67
00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:18,939
(laughs)
68
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:21,209
(both laughing)
69
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,477
I'm dead serious.
70
00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:24,778
Oh.
71
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,816
So, Dad, um,
I need your help
72
00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:30,117
to introduce
the world
73
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:32,186
to JJ's revolutionary
new product.
74
00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:34,154
It's really
not that new.
75
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,123
I've had one
since college.
76
00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:38,959
Uh, it's
completely new,
77
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,461
and I will
demonstrate.
78
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:41,829
You just turn it on,
79
00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:44,431
you roll it along your forearms.
80
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:45,666
Feel the tension
81
00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:46,934
leaving my body already.
82
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,337
Wrong isolated area.
83
00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:52,105
So, I think
we need
84
00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:53,374
to get on
the same page.
85
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,774
And I have exciting news
for you, Dad.
86
00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:55,976
Oh.
JJ has
87
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,110
chosen you
to be the spokesperson
88
00:02:58,111 --> 00:03:00,180
for this innovative
new product.
89
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,550
Okay, before I tell you where
you can put that thing...
90
00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:05,085
...I want to ask you
a couple of questions.
91
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,320
Okay.
Firstly,
92
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,356
how much
is he paying me for this?
93
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:09,756
Uh, nothing. It's pro bono.
94
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:11,325
It sure is.
Huh?
95
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,227
What?
96
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:14,695
Second question is:
97
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,629
how much is he gonna
pay you to do this?
98
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:20,167
Same as you, but I am willing
to split my pro bono with you.
99
00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,536
It's known as a semi-bono.
100
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:26,507
All right, son,
my last question is:
101
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:27,708
is there a commission?
102
00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:28,876
Uh, no, Dad, this is
103
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:30,344
a opportunity for you.
104
00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:31,745
No, this is
an opportunity for JJ
105
00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:33,447
to take advantage of both of us.
106
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,548
See, that's why
107
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:35,948
I don't like him or his stupid
108
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:37,017
foam roller product.
109
00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:38,419
Because he wants to make a fool
110
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:39,920
out of me and you.
111
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:40,988
So that's a maybe?
112
00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,022
No, that's a no.
113
00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:43,223
Hmm, okay, cool,
114
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:44,358
so I'll just,
uh, leave it here.
115
00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:45,693
You can play
around with it
116
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,227
and, um, give me
your decision tomorrow.
117
00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:51,899
What part of "no"
don't you understand, boy?
118
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,736
I'll give it a look-see.
119
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,439
(vibrating)
120
00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:00,574
(laughs)
Oh, yeah.
121
00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:03,076
♪ Poppa's ♪
122
00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:05,078
♪ House ♪
123
00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:06,380
♪ Yeah. ♪
124
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,283
This whole
advertising game
is one big racket.
125
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,418
They like
to use
126
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:11,619
celebrities to get you
127
00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:12,853
to buy their crappy products.
128
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,221
If they could,
129
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:16,757
they'd have Robert De Niro
selling phones.
130
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,926
Be like, "You talkin' to me?"
131
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:22,830
"You talkin' to me?
132
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:26,099
You can't be talkin' to me
because you're out of minutes."
133
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:31,371
Okay. Poppa, what's with
the sudden rant?
134
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:32,505
It's my son,
135
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:33,941
who's a pretty good artist--
136
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,609
he's whoring himself out
137
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:38,446
for a man who's not even gonna
pay him for his hard work.
138
00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:40,614
Tell me, Poppa,
you never even once
139
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:42,549
sold yourself out a little bit
140
00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:43,751
to get where you are now?
141
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:45,385
Yeah, once,
but they didn't have
142
00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:46,519
the Internet back then.
143
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,956
And thank God
I destroyed that tape
144
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:51,925
and it'll never see
the light of day.
145
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,429
I have so much
I could say to you right now,
146
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:56,697
but since I'm in
147
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,266
an incredibly
relaxed mood...
148
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,470
...I'm just gonna let it go.
149
00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:06,840
So, what did your father say?
150
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,309
Uh, he's
not convinced.
Oh.
151
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:11,311
Yet. So I
wrote a script
152
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:12,413
that I know you're gonna love
153
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:13,647
'cause you're a Shakespeare guy.
154
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,449
It's a parody on King Lear.
155
00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:17,150
King Lear?
156
00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:19,653
Really? For... for foam?
157
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,422
Yeah, makes it regal. Like you.
158
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:22,889
You had me at "regal."
159
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,925
(chuckles)
160
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,293
I'm listening.
161
00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:27,260
All right.
162
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:28,595
"King Lear,
163
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:30,631
"muscular and youthful,
164
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:32,165
"sort of a Junior type,
165
00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:33,667
"enters
his palace
166
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:36,670
and unsheathes a foam roller
mini like a sword."
167
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:37,638
(imitates sword clinking)
168
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:40,239
"Hark. Attend, good folk,
169
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,676
"and mark well
this strange device.
170
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,813
"'Tis none other than
the foam roller mini,
171
00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:48,948
"a staff most wondrous,
for in my days,
172
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:51,852
"when battles sore,
my wrists grow weary
173
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,120
from smiting thine enemies."
174
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:55,823
(shouting)
175
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:56,990
"But lo,
176
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,926
"this cylinder can bring relief
177
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:01,194
where naught else
might suffice."
178
00:06:01,328 --> 00:06:02,396
(chuckles)
179
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:05,866
"For if a king may find
sweet solace here,
180
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:10,771
then so, too, might his maiden."
181
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,275
Boop.
182
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:19,112
Well?
183
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,648
Oh. (chuckles)
Bravo!
184
00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:22,883
Thank you.
I like it.
185
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,184
And we don't need your father.
186
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:25,786
I shall play King Lear.
187
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,722
Oh, uh, well, uh, it says,
"muscular and youthful,
188
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:30,122
uh, sort of a Junior type,"
189
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:31,958
so I was, I was thinking
maybe I could play...
190
00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:33,226
The jester.
191
00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:35,128
You shall play
the jester to my Lear.
192
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,363
Good, good.
193
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:37,498
Great idea.
194
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,867
So, I shall go
learn my lines.
195
00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:45,238
♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪
196
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,642
♪ A lovely day ♪
197
00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:52,212
♪ Lovely day, lovely day,
lovely day... ♪
198
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:54,047
(needle scratches)
Hey!
199
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,583
What the hell are you doing?
200
00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:57,050
Why are you
talking about me
201
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,719
on your
stupid podcast?
202
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,420
Oh, hey,
that's my show.
203
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:01,722
I talk about my life.
204
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:04,224
So talk about your life,
not mine,
205
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:05,726
not my family's, okay?
206
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,495
Your show turned us
into a meme
207
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,162
on social media.
Look at this.
208
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,098
(Poppa laughing)
209
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,399
(laughing):
Right?
210
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,767
It's not funny.
211
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:16,369
Dad, you questioned my integrity
212
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:17,638
in front of the world.
213
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,239
Now I feel like
I can't even, like,
214
00:07:19,339 --> 00:07:20,608
say anything to you
in confidence
215
00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:21,742
without you blabbing about it
216
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:23,076
on your stupid podcast.
217
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:24,344
Look, what do you want from me?
218
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:25,845
An apology.
219
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:26,914
On air.
220
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,014
Yeah...
221
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:30,183
that's just not
my brand, though.
222
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,619
Your brand?
223
00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:32,920
Yeah, I'm unapologetic.
224
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:34,588
That's what the people
love about me.
225
00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:37,390
Yeah, well,
I'm not "the people."
226
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:38,692
Okay? I'm your son.
227
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,127
And if you don't
feel the need
228
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:41,929
to say you're sorry
about calling me a whore,
229
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,331
then I don't feel the need
to ever speak to you again.
230
00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:45,799
Oh, well, when does
231
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,968
this vacation begin?
232
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,470
Right after I call you
a big, fat jerk,
233
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:53,707
you big, fat, stupid, bald jerk.
234
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,776
What did you say to me?
235
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,346
(chuckling)
236
00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:08,656
"Up yours."
237
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,124
Okay.
238
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,336
Now, this person--
I won't name names,
239
00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:24,738
'cause he'll get
all mad at me,
240
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,974
but he lived
in my house
241
00:08:27,074 --> 00:08:28,576
he ate all my food,
242
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:30,811
and if you sprinkle
a little gray in his beard,
243
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,612
he looks just like me--
244
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:34,081
that guy
245
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:37,184
has decided he's never
going to talk to me again.
246
00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:38,951
Well, I don't
blame him.
247
00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:40,587
I mean, you called
him a whore.
248
00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:41,789
And he is your son.
249
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:44,558
(gasps)
Now the secret is out.
250
00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,259
Everybody's gonna
know who it is.
251
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,195
I was trying
252
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,163
to respect his privacy.
253
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:52,900
Listen, I agree with Junior.
254
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,434
You should apologize to him,
255
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,870
and then maybe he'll start
speaking to you again.
256
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,338
(blows raspberry)
I don't care
257
00:08:58,438 --> 00:09:00,674
if the whole world
stopped talking to me.
258
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:01,875
Really?
Yes.
259
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,711
What if I stop speaking to you?
260
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:04,611
No,
261
00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:06,847
please don't make my ears happy.
262
00:09:08,515 --> 00:09:09,782
Okay. Done.
263
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:12,620
I'm gonna join Junior
in his silent protest.
264
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,054
(scoffs)
Chatty Cathy,
265
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,890
you couldn't last
five minutes without talking.
266
00:09:17,024 --> 00:09:18,324
Want me
to prove it?
267
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,460
I'll do the podcast
by myself. Both roles.
268
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,460
(imitating Ivy):
Poppa,
269
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:23,196
you need to respect
270
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:24,463
his boundaries.
271
00:09:24,464 --> 00:09:26,499
(normal voice):
Oh, hush up, woman.
272
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:27,967
That's my son.
273
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:30,604
He needs to learn how
to accept criticism.
274
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:33,306
(imitating Ivy):
Oh, P-Bear,
275
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,807
when you say it like that,
276
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:37,476
it makes all the sense
in the world to me.
277
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:39,412
(giggling)
278
00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:43,650
You are a big, fat jerk,
279
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,517
and I'm never
speaking to you again.
280
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:48,789
(imitates buzzer)
Less than 30 seconds.
281
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:57,865
For if a king might find
sweet solace here,
282
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:01,935
then so, too, may his maiden.
283
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,940
♪ There once
was a king ♪
284
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,575
♪ With a sword
of foam ♪
285
00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:09,910
♪ He had a lot of words ♪
286
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,078
♪ But he said them wrong ♪
287
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,846
♪ Fa-la, la-la-la, la-la-la... ♪
288
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,281
Cut,
cut, cut!
289
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:15,682
What are you doing?
290
00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:18,151
You're dancing
around me like a fool.
291
00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:20,954
I'm the jester.
That's what we do. We jest.
292
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,523
No, you're a fool.
293
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:24,925
And what
is she doing?
294
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:27,828
There were no cell phones
back in olden times.
295
00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:28,962
What do you care?
296
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:30,430
I literally have nothing to do,
297
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,766
so I figured
I'd just get some work done.
298
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,968
Work? Arrest
this woman.
299
00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:37,604
All right, all
right, guys. Look,
300
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,406
honey, please
put the phone away.
301
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:40,941
We're gonna go
from the top,
302
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,442
pick up the pace.
303
00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:44,945
All right? And...
304
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:46,245
action.
305
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:47,948
Hark.
Cut!
306
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:50,283
(stammers)
Why am I saying "hark"?
307
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:51,685
I mean,
everyone knows I'm there.
308
00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:53,721
I mean, wh-what is my motivation
for "hark"?
309
00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:56,323
You're saying "hark"
so people pay attention, okay?
310
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:57,858
All right.
From the top.
311
00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:00,527
On my "action."
312
00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:01,661
Action.
313
00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:02,963
Hark. Cut.
314
00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:04,297
Damn it.
No, no.
315
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:05,766
How about, how about this?
How about this?
316
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,634
What if my daughter
said something like,
317
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:10,069
"Hark, the king
has arrived," hmm?
318
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:11,739
Uh, all right, ready?
319
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:12,973
Action, she.
320
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,474
(clears throat)
321
00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:15,742
Hark.
Cut.
322
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,276
(sputters)
323
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,012
She wouldn't say that.
In fact, she wouldn't even be
324
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:20,313
allowed to speak back then.
325
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:21,849
I-In fact, to be honest,
I-I think
326
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:23,483
we should be burning her
at the stake.
327
00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:24,684
(gasps)
328
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,722
And action.
329
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:29,823
Line?
330
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:31,491
"Hark."
Cut.
331
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:34,260
That's lunch.
You don't say "cut."
332
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:35,829
Okay?
333
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:38,031
I am the director,
so I say "cut."
334
00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:39,766
And I did not say
you can go to lunch.
335
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,935
I'm paying for all this.
Dad,
336
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,571
you put Junior in charge,
let him direct you.
337
00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:49,509
But I do-eth not respect-eth
his vision-eth.
338
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,679
You see,
this is why I wanted to play...
339
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:53,780
The fool?
340
00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:55,415
Because that's what you are.
341
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:56,817
I am not the fool.
342
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:58,051
And I'm smart
enough to know
343
00:11:58,151 --> 00:11:59,686
that you are a terrible actor
344
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:02,154
and an even worse spokesman
for your own damn product.
345
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,792
And for those reasons,
you, sir, are fired.
346
00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:06,894
Well.
347
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:11,231
Until you bend the knee to me,
348
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:13,867
I will not speak to you again.
349
00:12:14,001 --> 00:12:15,936
I shall nay bend the knee.
350
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:19,072
Then good hark.
351
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,075
What are you doing?
352
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,477
You just fired my dad
from his own commercial.
353
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,746
I don't like the way
he speaks to me.
Neither do I,
354
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,648
but I think you're mad
at the wrong dad.
355
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,018
He won't apologize,
so I'm not speaking to him.
356
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,219
But you have to.
357
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,321
Look, I know
your dad can dish it out
358
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:35,488
but he can't take it,
359
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,590
so why don't you give him
360
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:39,259
a little taste
of his own medicine?
361
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:41,461
(laughs softly)
Interesting.
362
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:43,529
Or another angle...
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
363
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,232
...we all know my dad
can dish it out
364
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,500
but he can't take it, right?
365
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,870
If you say what I just said...
(shushes)
366
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,571
He can dish it out
but he can't take it,
367
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:54,975
so why don't I give him
a taste of his own medicine?
368
00:12:58,678 --> 00:12:59,712
What are you,
what are you doing?
369
00:12:59,813 --> 00:13:01,781
Lighting myself on fire.
370
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:08,388
POPPA:
You know, I don't think
371
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,489
women understand
372
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:12,258
the value of silence
to a man.
373
00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:14,828
You could actually give him
a piece of quiet
374
00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:16,296
for an anniversary gift,
375
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,565
and he'll say,
"Thank you, baby."
376
00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:19,666
But don't ruin it
377
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,634
by going, "You're welcome."
378
00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,472
What, nothing? Still noth... Oh.
379
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:28,008
Well, well, well,
look, we have another
380
00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:31,344
silent but deadly guest here.
381
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:32,980
I'm not gonna be silent anymore,
382
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,983
because I found the Achilles'
heel on your club foot.
383
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,951
(laughs)
That's funny, I like that.
384
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,153
You can dish it out
but you can't take it.
385
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,488
A sentence
I came up with
386
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:44,123
all by myself
without the help of my wife.
387
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:46,926
Really? Son, have a seat.
388
00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:48,862
There's nobody
sitting there anyway.
389
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,500
But let me tell you
something, Junior.
390
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,634
There's nothing that can
come out of your mouth
391
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:59,506
that will ever make me feel
even an ounce of shame.
392
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,841
(cackles)
393
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:03,943
Oh, Dad.
394
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:06,346
I thought you might say that,
which is why I brought
395
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,048
a taste of your own medicine.
396
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:13,386
Open wide, 'cause here comes
a big old fat spoonful of Mom!
397
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,390
Wait, no fair.
You can't bring your mother in
398
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:18,525
to fight your battles.
399
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:20,293
This is between me and you.
400
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:22,095
Oh, he is my son.
401
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,796
Now, I spent 36 hours,
402
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:27,067
27 minutes
and 14 quite painful seconds
403
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,436
birthing him into this world,
so I refuse
404
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:33,907
to let a man who lost his hair
at the ripe old age of 23
405
00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:35,943
publicly humiliate him.
406
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:38,511
Did you just call me
a fat spoonful?
407
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:39,812
Of sugar. To help
the medicine go down.
408
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,048
Thank you.
Focus, Mom.
409
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,950
Catherine,
what are you doing here?
410
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:45,585
I thought you couldn't come out
in the daylight.
411
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,887
I have stories to tell.
412
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,756
I know where all of
the bodies are buried
413
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,259
and I brought my shovel.
414
00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:55,062
And you know the first thing
that I dug up
415
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,830
for your streaming audience
is this.
416
00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:59,399
Does this look
familiar to you,
417
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:02,269
Mr. Integrity?
418
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,003
Not at all.
Mm.
419
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:06,505
Okay, well, then,
let me refresh your memory.
420
00:15:06,506 --> 00:15:07,707
The year:
421
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:09,242
1989.
422
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,945
We were still living in that
small apartment in Harlem,
423
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:15,415
and we were three months behind
on the rent when you said
424
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:20,120
you had no choice but to do
this little commercial.
425
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:26,459
(gasps)
You wouldn't dare.
426
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,360
Oh, I certainly would.
427
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:29,329
Because I...
428
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:32,399
just so happen to have this
429
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:34,434
VHS player.
430
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,205
You left it to me
in the divorce.
431
00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:39,871
Catherine, you better not.
432
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,609
What you gonna do?
Divorce me? Again?
433
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,611
(both laugh)
434
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:49,983
(record scratching)
435
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:52,452
("Walk This Way" by Run-DMC
& Aerosmith playing)
436
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:56,956
Yo, what's up?
437
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:59,826
It's your boy Sweet D-D-D
438
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:02,162
in the place to be, be, be.
439
00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:04,063
When I'm not putting down
the sounds,
440
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:05,731
I'm spinning round and round,
441
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:09,136
cleaning up
what y'all been putting down.
442
00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:11,838
And if you hate those stains,
443
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,340
you want 'em unseen,
444
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,408
you better get some
squeaky, squeaky, squeaky,
445
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,145
squeaky clean, clean, clean,
446
00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:19,979
clean, clean, clean.
447
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,216
Ooh!
448
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:27,920
That's right, it's only $4.99,
449
00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:30,857
and if you tell them
you heard it from me, Sweet D,
450
00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,559
you get this flush brush
451
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:36,029
for free, free,
free, free, free.
452
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,998
Well, I got to go,
get back to my flow.
453
00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:40,432
Now you know.
454
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:42,702
(shouting)
455
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:47,140
(laughter)
456
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,875
Look, I had to do that.
457
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,677
The bills were due,
you were pregnant.
458
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:54,347
A-And they said that was only
gonna air in Istanbul.
459
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,349
That sounds like
a lot of excuses.
460
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:59,052
Look, Dad, I don't judge
you for that, okay?
461
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:00,453
You did what
you had to do
462
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:02,454
to take care of us
and start your career.
463
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,224
Okay, so what do y'all
want from me?
464
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,858
ALL:
An apology.
465
00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,060
Okay.
466
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,195
I'm sorry.
467
00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:09,362
ALL:
For what?
468
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,797
That I left you that VHS player
469
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:11,898
in the divorce.
470
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,500
Okay? Fine? You happy?
471
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,802
ALL:
No. We want our own
individual apologies.
472
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:19,472
Fine. I'll start with the person
I hate the most.
473
00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:21,808
I'm listening.
Okay.
474
00:17:21,908 --> 00:17:24,976
Catherine, I'm sorry that
I talked about your son
475
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,279
to the point where you felt
476
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,248
you had to come here
and defend him.
477
00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:29,916
Thank you.
478
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:33,019
Ivy,
479
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:36,589
I apologize for being slightly,
480
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:39,058
maybe a little offensive to you,
481
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:40,159
and doing
482
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,595
this podcast by myself sucks.
483
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,098
You had me at "Ivy."
484
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:46,566
Thank you for that.
485
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:49,802
(Junior clearing throat
musically)
486
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,805
(grunts)
487
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:57,110
And most of all,
I apologize to my son Damon Jr.
488
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,211
for publicly humiliating you.
489
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:00,913
It's...
490
00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:02,615
how I was raised.
491
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,517
You know, I wanted
to be a DJ
492
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,154
since 14 years old.
493
00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:09,356
But my father thought
it was a stupid idea,
494
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,758
so he made me work with him
at the supermarket.
495
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:14,494
I remember one day,
I'm in the back,
496
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:17,896
telling my coworkers about
my dream of spinning records
497
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:19,565
at the Audubon Ballroom.
498
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:20,767
My father walks in
499
00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:22,101
and says,
500
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:23,936
"How you gonna fill up
a ballroom
501
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:26,273
"when you can't even fill up
a soda display?
502
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,175
"You ain't
gonna be no DJ,
503
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,343
you lazy bum. Get back to work."
504
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,845
And I was hurt.
505
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:34,881
So I confronted him.
506
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:37,284
And as punishment,
when I got home,
507
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:39,852
he threw away
all my DJ equipment.
508
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,488
Records, everything.
509
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,858
So I left home at 14
510
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,227
to prove him wrong.
511
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,028
I didn't know any of this.
512
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:50,997
Yeah.
513
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,733
(sighs) There's a lot
you don't know about me, son.
514
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,503
But I, uh,
515
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,538
only want what's best for you.
516
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:01,841
And I hope you forget
that commercial.
517
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:04,844
What commercial?
518
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,480
Come here, man.
519
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,283
Love you, Dad.
520
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,484
I love you, too.
521
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,620
♪ ♪
522
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,488
The foam roller mini,
523
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:18,558
a staff most wondrous. Ah...
524
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:19,826
For in my days,
when battles sore...
525
00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:22,093
(imitates swords clashing)
526
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:24,296
...my limbs grow weary
with smiting mine enemy.
527
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:27,700
But lo, this cylinder
can give relief
528
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:28,835
where none else might suffice.
529
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:29,902
♪ Ah, la, la ♪
530
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,204
♪ Ah, la-la-la. ♪
531
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,873
For if a king might find
sweet solace here,
532
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:37,210
then so, too, may his maiden.
533
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:41,881
(high-pitched): And the maiden
will like it, too. Ha, ha!
534
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:56,896
I love it.
535
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,431
You were right, JJ.
536
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:02,168
This kid's a star,
and your Lear was hilarious.
537
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:04,704
Oh, Gregory, thank you
for believing in me,
538
00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:06,573
thank you for investing
in my company.
539
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,140
Well, you are proven.
540
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,810
But I'm looking forward
to working with this one.
541
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,345
I mean, this
542
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:13,645
is a billy in the making.
543
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,114
(laughs)
544
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:18,485
Got the time frame on
me being a billy or...?
545
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:20,986
(both laugh)
546
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:22,088
(laughter)
547
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,524
(speaks indistinctly)
548
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:30,397
Marker.
So, Dad, I need your help
549
00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:31,731
to introduce the world to...
550
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:33,198
So, Dad, I need your help...
551
00:20:33,199 --> 00:20:34,366
Mm.
All right, Dad,
552
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:35,534
stop having pity on me.
553
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:37,270
Can I have the...
Just say my line,
554
00:20:37,370 --> 00:20:40,740
he's like, "It's okay.
You'll get there, little baby."
555
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,443
What are you doing?
I'm about to light
this thing on fire.
556
00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:44,777
Give me a match. Come on.
557
00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,413
Or...
(chuckles)
Mm-mm.
558
00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:49,015
...why don't you light yourself
on fire?
559
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:52,652
Hark.
560
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:56,054
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
561
00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:58,758
and TOYOTA.
562
00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:03,029
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
38066
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