All language subtitles for Kelsey Cook Mark Your Territory (2025)

- [Announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, Kelsey Cook.

- Oh man, what is up Madison?

Thank you guys so much
for coming out tonight.

I'm so excited to be here.

People have been asking me why I decided

to shoot this special in Wisconsin

and it's because I think
everybody here has a resting blood

alcohol of 0.12.

Ah, there it is, there it is.

That's good for comedy, yeah.

You guys seem so happy here.

I'm just slamming cheese curds, I love it.

You try to shoot a special in LA,

everybody's intermittent fasting.

I feel like intermittent
fasting means something

different in the Midwest.

I feel like that's when
you guys black out by five

and forget to eat dinner.

You just wake up the next
morning like I feel good.

I wrapped my car around a pole last night,

but I feel fit, lean.

I thought it'd also be
fun to shoot it here

since I'm now also a mid-Westerner.

Thank you.

Yeah, I moved to Minnesota last
year in the month of January

and that's how you die.

Eight month winters are
fucking brutal, God.

When I hit my one year
mark of living there,

some of my friends were like,
oh, how did you celebrate?

I was like, oh, I just
walked into my bathroom

like it was a prison cell
and etched one tally.

I did learn a lot by moving there.

Then I learned that God forbid
you try using a bidet there

in the winter,

that water feels like local anesthesia.

Did not feel my B-hole for five months.

It's such a weird state, right?

When I moved there, I turned on the TV

and there were commercials
for vacations to Alaska

and that's when I knew I fucked up.

I was like, oh, these are broken people.

If Alaska is their Cancun,

living in Minnesota and
going on vacation to Alaska

is like owning a Nissan
Sentra and going on vacation

and renting a Nissan Sentra.

That's the same terrible shit.

I moved there to live with my boyfriend,

so that's why I did it in
January because winter sucks

and it's better when
there's somebody inside you.

Thank you one horny woman,
yeah I appreciate you.

Minnesota was a tough sell though.

I found out also when I got
there that they have some

of the highest state taxes.

I was like, for why,

you are cold and expensive?

That's like a dog who's ugly and bites.

Put it down.

Let's get outta here.

Skedaddle and I moved
there from Washington

where there are no state taxes.

So now anytime my boyfriend
tries to start a fight with me,

I'm like, oh oh, let me remind you

that being your girlfriend
now costs me $38 a day.

Your dick is a very expensive toll road.

Let me set the thermostat to 72, fuck off.

Let's pick our battles today.

When he and I got together,

we had that conversation about labels

'cause I felt ready to be
called boyfriend and girlfriend

and he goes, ah, you
know, being in my 40s,

I feel like I'm a little old

to be called somebody's boyfriend,

but if you call me your man friend,

sounds like I'm not allowed
in your playgrounds.

I was like, all right, well
what are you gonna call me?

And he goes, I'll just
be like, this is my lady.

And I was like, well, we're
not at a renaissance fair.

So no.

Also, I can't use the equivalent of that.

I can't be like, mom, dad,
I'd like you to meet my Lord.

And he is also a comedian.

My ex-husband was actually a comedian too.

I can't stop shitting where I eat.

I tell you my love life is a Chipotle.

Just keep the eating and
shitting all under one roof.

It's very convenient, very farm to table,

you know, they're right there.

And I wasn't much of a
jealous girlfriend in my 20s.

But then some switch flipped in my 30s

and now when I see somebody
hit on the person I'm with,

I just feel myself anamorph
into the cast of "Jersey Shore."

I am ready to brawl.

And he does get hit on
when he walks on stage,

women whistle at him

and at comedy clubs there's
usually a security guard

in the back to kick people
out in case they heckle.

So at his shows I've just started

to stand next to the security guard.

And if I see a woman laughing
too hard at one of his jokes,

I just walk up and I'm like,

Hey, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

He's my favorite comedian.

Well, he's my Lord, scoot.

Beat it.

I feel like most people
assume I'm exaggerating

during that joke, but if you
follow me online, you'll know,

I posted a video a few
months ago of a woman

who sat in the front
row of one of my shows

and after I told that joke, she goes,

your boyfriend is my favorite comedian.

We've seen him like eight times.

And I was like, lady, did
you not just hear that?

This is when I go snooky on somebody?

What you doing?

And she doubled down.

She's like, He's so cute, he's so hot.

And he responds to my Instagram comments.

And that's when I took
out my hoop earrings.

All of the men in the crowd
were looking around like Jerry,

Jerry, Jerry.

It's like, yeah, time to fuck around

and find out madam, get up here.

I don't actually worry about
my boyfriend cheating on me.

I feel like men's bodies
start to really turn on them

in their 40s.

He has to wake up every two
hours in the night to pee.

And when I see him in the
morning with bags under his eyes,

I hug him and I go, ah babe,

I'm sorry you didn't sleep well.

And then I think you're too
exhausted to cheat on me,

you're not getting enough REM
to pull off two relationships.

I like you slow like this

can catch you if I need to, get back here.

But now the second I see him
start to reach for melatonin,

I'm like, the fuck are
you resting up for, huh?

You stay sleepy.

I don't usually mind our age gap,

but there is that new filter on TikTok

where couples are
posting pictures together

and then a filter goes across the screen

and it shows you what
you'll look like together

in 50 years, like it ages you.

So he did that with a picture
of me and my boyfriend

and when the filter
went across the screen,

it just made him disappear.

It was just me holding
an urn, I was like, what?

No, please.

And my boyfriend was like,
I wanna see the picture.

I was like, oh, my phone died.

And so did you.

What am I gonna do?

He does hate that he looks older than me.

He's been trying to get
me to look older faster.

I think he wants to
like microwave my face.

On my birthday as a prank

He hid all of my expensive skin creams.

And when I opened my bathroom cupboard,

there was just a pack of cigarettes.

Got tanning bed coupon.

Well be careful what you wish for.

You're gonna wake up next to Mick Jagger.

I have been telling my single friends

that they should date
somebody older than them.

It's the best.

They got their lives together.

They're financially secure.

My boyfriend has a lake cabin.

You think I give a that he has a fake hip?

I don't.

I don't need somebody to be
able to jump rope to get me wet.

I'm riding on a jet ski.

I'm coming five times
on that thing anyway.

My boyfriend shows me his credit score

while we're on the jet ski.

I'm like, oh my God.

Our neighbors are like, oh,

look at all the water
coming off that thing.

I'm like, that's not water, Diane.

That's all me baby.

Happy fourth, peace be with you.

I will say if you date
somebody older than you,

sometimes people think
you have daddy issues

and they're right.

My dad was an international
yo-yo man for a living.

That sentence should not even exist.

I don't know.

When you were growing up,
a guy came to your school

and did yo-yo demonstrations.

Yeah, that's the man who made me.

That's not great.

I do love my dad, I think
he gave me a very specific

amount of daddy issues.

Like I have enough to
have become a comedian,

but not enough to have an OnlyFans.

My dad's just a little too supportive

for me to have one of those.

If I tried to post my boobs
online behind a paywall

and posted some link that was
like for my biggest fans only,

my dad would read that and go, well,

I'm obviously my daughter's biggest fan.

Oh God, no, no.

Go see Evelyn.

I don't know of that
many people personally

who are on OnlyFans or in the porn space.

I do know of Adriana Chechik.

I follow her on Twitter
because she tweets the most

outrageous things and they
make me laugh so hard.

She tweeted the other day

and said, On my way to
the dentist, he has no idea

how many different people's DNA

he's about to clean out of my teeth.

And I say some dirty things up here,

but I read that and was
like, my heavens Adriana.

I mean, God forbid something
ever happens to her.

There are gonna be so many suspects

that is a crime scene of a mouth.

Detectives are gonna be like,
was she killed by a village?

What happened here?

It's just not wise.

But I am fascinated by her as a person.

I listened to her on a
podcast where she said

that on a different trip to the dentist,

she had the dentist file
down her back molars

so that she could make
room for bigger things.

Yeah, really took the
bumpers off the bowling lane.

And I heard that

and was like, what a
commitment to the craft.

I mean, I'm not even willing
to wear heels up here

for you folks.

She's out there changing her
dental records, good Christ.

What a go-getter.

I told that joke in Grand
Rapids a few months ago

where nothing good ever happens

and there was a dentist in the crowd

and she was blackout drunk
and she starts shouting.

She goes, We can tell,

we can tell when somebody's in porn.

And I was like, well, none
of us are gonna be able

to move on with our
lives until you tell us.

The floor is yours.

Okay, you have hijacked the show.

And she goes, they have suction
on the roof of their mouth.

I was like, like the ghost of a blow job.

What are you talking about?

That is so not how I thought
you would be able to tell.

Right, I thought she was gonna say

that when they put the
little vacuum hose in there

that the person's like,

hey, hey, hey, hey.

Quit that, you swallow at your work.

Not here goblin.

I know that I have to
have some daddy issues

because my boyfriend's name is Chad.

Sounds of disapproval.

You don't date a Chad unless
you come from deep white trash.

I think it's very ironic as a comedian

that I'm dating a Chad
because comics, we've made fun

of dudes with that name our
entire careers like a comedian

dating a Chad is like a
store manager dating a Karen.

It makes no sense.

And I've had a lot of firsts
with him in our relationship.

I mentioned on my special, the Hustler

that he's the first
guy I've ever been with

who has had a vasectomy.

So I had no idea what to expect
the first time he finished.

I was like, is it gonna be dust?

Like when you blow into
a Nintendo cartridge?

It's like oh my eyes.

I had no idea what was gonna happen.

So I decided to do some research
in a lab called my mouth.

And you're welcome.

We're all adults here

and I'm happy to report my findings

that I believe it's essentially diet cum

if I may be so bold.

And I have been pretty shocked now at

how many people come up
to me after shows and go,

you gotta make merch that says diet cum.

And I'm like, who would wear that?

Make some noise, if you
think you would genuinely

wear a diet cum shirt.

Oh my God, liar, liar.

You work from home.

No HR in your life, no way.

And Chad has a 19-year-old daughter

and I wanted her to like me so badly,

but I posted that vasectomy
joke on Instagram.

Yeah, stepmom of the year.

And I forgot that she
followed me on there.

So later that night she texted Chad

and said, Hey, not
trying to start any shit,

but just thought you should
know I definitely unfollowed

your girlfriend today.

And I thought, well it's
probably a good idea

because I bet I'm gonna post a joke

that I'm currently telling you guys.

And I don't think she's
gonna like this one either.

By the way, I don't blame her
at all for unfollowing me.

I totally get it, I was just bummed

because I was hoping that
Instagram was gonna be

how I could connect with
this teenage girl, you know?

Like before I met her,
my friends were like,

oh, don't be nervous.

She's gonna love you.

She's gonna think it's so cool

that your videos get a bunch of views.

And I was like, oh,

you mean the one about me blowing her dad?

I don't exactly think she's
walking into her college

cafeteria like you guys,
it's my dad she blows.

Guys.

It's like my daddy issues

are now giving other girls daddy issues.

It's like a Russian
nesting doll of fuckery.

Break the cycle.

I feel like I should know more
about things like vasectomies

because I don't know if you
guys had this in high school

where you could get voted,
you know, best dressed

or most athletic, but I
had that in middle school

and when I was in seventh
grade, I got voted most likely

to become a Sex Ed teacher.

And I look back and I'm like,
what was I saying to my peers

at age 12 that made them collectively go,

she knows where the taint is.

I should not have won that
award, I knew nothing.

I was such a late bloomer in every way.

I didn't start my period
until the last week

of eighth grade, which coincided

with my school's graduation
trip to the lake.

Yeah, buckle up.

And the first time you get a period,

they always tell girls, oh,
don't use a tampon, wear a pad.

So all my friends are in
their cute little bikinis

in front of the boys for the first time.

I am wearing a T-shirt and giant men's

and one basketball shorts

trying to hide the outline
of this massive pad,

which went from belly
button to middle of my back.

It was like wearing a horse saddle.

Just casually at the beach.

And then everybody jumped in the lake

and nobody told me that you
can't get in with a pad on.

So I jumped into and that
thing started dragging me

to the bottom of the lake.

I like, no, no.

My life flashed before my eyes.

This thing got so heavy, so fast

you could see the water level

of the lake just slowly going
lower and lower and lower

and I'm a terrible swimmer.

I death gripped onto
her friend's shoulder.

She was like, "What are you doing?"

I was like, I'm bleeding and drowning.

Please help.

So people flopped me up
onto the dock and I stood up

and in front of every boy in my grade,

20 gallons of water
dumped out of my shorts

for 40 straight seconds.

Like the world's grossest magician.

Oh, it's still going, okay.

And that is how you don't get fingered

until your senior year.

True story, I feel like all
the boys in my grade were like,

we've heard that wet is good but

that seems too wet.

I don't think there's supposed to be

fish coming outta there.

Sort of weird mermaid lady.

I actually got an IUD in
recently because I heard

that they could just
make your period go away,

but the procedure is a nightmare.

They basically shove a Lego in your uterus

while you're wide awake.

I thought for sure I was gonna
get knocked out for this.

The doctor was like, "No."

I was like, Mm, okay.

What do you guys do for the pain?

She's like, oh, "Take a
Tylenol, make a wish."

I'm like, "Oh, I wish
you'd go fuck yourself."

If you're comfortable
sharing, make some noise,

if you have an IUD.

Oh my God,

give these women a key to the city.

Alright, there are Avengers
sitting amongst you tonight.

It is insane.

But I think the thing that's
maybe more traumatizing

than that procedure is
that when you get there,

they ask you to give a urine sample

and women dread giving urine samples,

for dudes you guys just
whip your dong out.

You aim and fire.

You could probably do it blindfolded.

Women giving a urine sample

is like trying to get the leash out

from under the dog's leg on a walk.

You are like, okay, this
way, maybe this way.

Well, am I going, are you going?

Well God damn it,

so many legs

because women only pee straight
for two of the 20 seconds.

We pee, the rest of the time

it looks like somebody just
poked a hole in a capri sun

and then started stepping on it.

Go sideways.

Lemme pee sideways.

I don't even have a hole there.

And then a doctor walks in with a thimble

and is like, catch it, catch it.

I'm like, you catch it.

This is a two man job atleast.

This thing is the same size
as a to-go ranch container.

I can't possibly catch it in this.

Do you have a crock pot back there?

Something with handles, a wide berth

I can work with perhaps.

And a lot of the time you
don't know you're gonna have

to give a urine sample.

So you peed right before
you left the house

and then you're in there trying
to squeegee out five drops.

But you don't have enough
pressure in your stream for it

to go out.

So you just get a babbling brook

that hugs your body and drops
off a butt cheek in the back.

Have to drop a pin on GPS to
know where that fucker went.

I have no idea, I can't see back there.

Can't catch that.

So I'm in there, I try
to get a urine sample.

It's a complete disaster as always.

I get nothing in the cup.

I just peed over my
own wrist like a child.

The whole thing stressed me out so much.

I had explosive diarrhea.

I walked out of there up to
the nurse, I was like, well,

didn't get a urine sample,
but the cup is full

test what you can, I guess.

But it's a broken system,
it's not my fault.

You fix it and then you lay back

and they do the procedure

and an IUD can stay in
you for eight years.

So after they're done, the
nurse hands you a sticker

with a date on it

of eight years from that day

so you know when to replace it.

So I just pop that on my windshield

next to my oil change sticker.

Where else am I gonna put that thing?

I got one that says Valvoline,
one that says Volvoline.

I just want just keep an eye.

I told my dad about the sticker thing

and he goes, well that's interesting.

I wonder if it works the same way as a car

where it goes by either
the date or the mileage.

I was like, shut your mouth dad.

I mean, I'm definitely
gonna use it on stage,

but shut your mouth, sicko.

We're not friends, I don't
wanna joke with you like that.

You gonna make me start an
OnlyFans, you keep that shit up.

Shut up.

That's definitely not how it works.

By the way, that'd be very funny to me.

If they were secretly
putting tiny odometers,

you go in for a checkup,
the doctor's like, oh,

somebody had a busy April.

Jesus Christ, no way this
thing's lasting eight years.

You're burning the tires clean
off this thing, slow down.

I'm very happy to be living with Chad.

I lived alone for a few
years after the divorce.

I feel like if you live
alone for too long,

you start to become feral.

Make some noise if you
live alone right now.

Alright, so that's 12 people who showered

for the first time tonight.

Good for you.

I am honored to be the
reason you would bathe

and leave your home 'cause
you don't have to do anything

when you live alone, there's
nobody around to judge you.

And you start to act like you
were raised by wolves, right?

I watched myself do something
so unhinged at one point,

I dunno if you guys
have it in your shower,

where if the water's been
hitting the shower curtain

for a long time, it starts to get kind

of discolored at the bottom.

I tried cleaning it, it wouldn't come off.

And instead of just going

and buying a new shower
curtain like a normal person,

I just sat in my bathtub with scissors

and I just cut the bottom.

I just went full meth head.

I was just like a, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Arts and crafts, hearts and crafts.

I literally gave my shower bangs.

It's not a mentally stable place to be in.

And then of course it
really looked like shit.

So I went to Target and they
had just released fall candles.

And I learned that day
that if you smell candles

for 30 minutes straight,

you will accidentally get
a little fucking high.

Nothing crazy, but I'm a lightweight

and nobody in the DARE program
talked to me about candles.

So I was unprepared for
what happened to my body

just floating around Target.

I grabbed the shower curtain I wanted.

And when I went home and hung
it up, it only stretched like

half the length of my shower.

And it was so long.

Five extra feet of fabric coming

off the bottom of this thing.

And my stepsister came over the next day

and she used my bathroom and she came out

and she goes, why do you have
a window curtain in there?

I was like, what now?

She goes, that's a window curtain.

You didn't think it was weird
that when you hung it up,

there was an entire met gala,
ball gown coming off of it.

I was like, I accidentally got fucked up

on pumpkin spice and I blacked out.

I don't wanna talk about it,
but it's fine, I can fix this.

And I grabbed my scissors
and I just cut the bob.

We're fine, I can feel
that I'm starting to get

a little too comfortable with Chad

now that we live together.

You know, in the
beginning you try so hard,

you care what you look like.

I'd go get Brazilian waxes all the time.

Now I'm just trying to not
scare kids at the pool.

It's a different level of
effort I'm willing to put in.

Now I just tell my wax lady the same thing

that Chad tells the guy
who trims his beard.

I'm just like, take a
little off the sides.

Be careful around the lips.

Let's not get crazy, I am
pretty shocked at the lengths

that young girls now are willing
to go to, to attract boys.

I dunno if you guys
have heard of this trend

through TikTok called Vabbing.

Okay, I just found out about this.

Apparently some teenage girls now

before they leave the house,

are sticking their fingers down there

and then wiping it on their neck

to try to use their
pheromones to attract boys.

The confidence of Gen Z is so fucking wild

and truly disturbed.

I mean, cold day in hell that
you would catch a millennial

or older wiping anything
from this area on their neck

like God damn potpourri.

That was so not the message
taught to us about this area

by our elders, right?

They were like, Hey, lock up your shame.

I'm going, yeah, okay yeah, okay.

We didn't even want anybody
to know we had a vagina

and we were just walking through
middle school like, okay,

conceal and carry.

Okay, nobody see it, nobody smell it.

Just sprayed 17 pumps
of Bath and Body Works

cucumber, melon.

I smell like every Lyft driver's car.

Insanity, yeah.

Our Sex Ed teachers didn't
talk to us about this area

like it was hot sauce.

They weren't like, "Hey y'all,
it's good on everything."

Get it out there.

No, they talked to us about
it like it was black licorice.

They were like, Hey, not
everybody's gonna like that.

Oh, okay, okay.

You stay humble, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, sure and we did.

We're a humble generation.

Anybody here have a teenage daughter?

- [Audience Member] Yes

- Well, don't smell their neck.

Yeah, that is not lip gloss.

Sounds like a town hall meeting in here.

Guys are, oh hey, this is an outrage.

I feel like there might be
some interesting phone calls

on the drive home tonight.

Put your fucking sister on.

I do actually wanna try and
keep the magic alive with Chad

for as long as I can.

And my ex and I got pretty
gross together toward the end.

He and I always lived in a
place that only had one bathroom

and he would go in there and
take 45 minute man shits.

And I finally asked him, I was like, Hey,

why does it take you so long to do that?

And he goes, Well, my doctor
told me that it's bad to push

so I don't push.

I just sit and I'll let it fall out.

I was like, What are you a geisha?

What are you trying to take
these dainty shits for?

You're a man.

Just grab onto something,

fire it out, get the fuck outta there.

We can't wait for the
stars to align Mulan.

"Sunday we got errands
to run, go get out."

So he went in there one
day for one of his sessions

and I knew it was gonna be a session

'cause I could hear him lock the door,

which he always only did for number two.

And I didn't know why, I think I know now.

I think you dudes have this poo phobia

that while you're sitting
there all vulnerable,

you're afraid we're gonna
like bust the door down

and jump on your lap
and start tickling you.

I'm not Steve-O why would I do that?

I would never do that.

So he's in there door locked.

And on this day, our
butt holes had synced.

And I was like, oh no, because I have IBS.

So when I gotta go, I gotta go.

So I texted him

and I was like, "Hey, I'm
about to my shit my pants."

Siren emoji,

fire emoji, making it crystal clear.

He doesn't respond.

I can hear his phone get my text,

and I hear him just swipe out of it

and continue to watch Parks and Rec.

I'm like, you motherfucker.

So now I realize I do not
have access to a toilet

and I've got some demons
coming down the chute.

I am in apocalypse survival mode.

So I start frantically
looking around our apartment

for a substitute toilet.

The first thing I see is the kitchen sink.

I know right away I was like, too high.

It's a lot of gymnastics
I'm not qualified for.

Next thing I see is my ex's favorite hat,

which emotionally felt
like the right choice

'cause I was ready to soft serve him

some pipping hot justice.

But I was like, Ooh,
that's a small surface area.

I'm not confident in the aim.

You guys know how I feel
about urine samples.

It's like if you can't pee in a cup,

you can't poop in a hat.

That's a Dr. Seuss book
we all grew up with.

Everybody knows you can't do that.

And so I looked and I looked

and I had to shit in an
empty cardboard Amazon box

in my own living room.

Like an old homeless man

that changes you as a person.

I was just squatting and crying.

Our cats walked up to me and boops noses.

I was like, get out of here, go.

They just watched me from
the corner with giant eyes.

They were just looking at me
like, oh, you are one of us.

Neat and after I was done,

I told my friends what had
happened and they were all like,

why didn't you just poop
in your cat's litter box?

And I was like, because I'm
not trying to dominate them

for the rest of their lives.

Do you understand what a
deranged power move that would be

to just bring the heat like
that and just dunk on 'em?

That would be like if you
in your baby's diaper.

Your child would be taken from you.

There are rules to this life,

but I tell you guys this to
tell you, I've been trying

to hide that version of
me far away from Chad.

I don't ever want Chad to
meet gross Kelsey, right?

In warehouses, you know,
they have those signs.

It's like 32 days since
last workplace incident.

Well, I have a tiny one in my heart

that says 1,842 days
since I shit in a box.

I'm trying to keep that number very high.

But when Chad and I moved
in together last year,

we celebrated, we went out,
we drank a bunch of tequila.

And then the next morning I
got Chipotle, bad choices.

And we went back to our new place

and I went into one of the
bathrooms to do my business,

but it's a new bathroom to me.

So I turned on what I thought was the fan.

Turns out it was the heater.

That's not what you want.

That takes a normal number to smell

and turns it into a Woodstock
99 porta-potty immediately.

And so I'm in there
sweating and panicking.

I'm like, oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

And I finish up and I walk out

and I close the door behind me,

which is the universal
sign for, give it a sec.

No one needs to go in here
for the next two to 49 hours.

Change your plans, change your route.

Chad completely ignores this major sign

that I'm throwing up at him.

He just blows right by me

and walks in there to get a Kleenex.

My brain in slowmo was
like, don't go in there.

And he came out and I was like, Hmm,

I am so sorry.

Could you smell things?

And he goes, "I couldn't
smell anything, you're fine."

And I was like, Oh, thank God.

You might wanna take a COVID test.

Actually, don't waste a test.

You have COVID.

My asshole was the test and you failed.

And that's when Chad
goes, I'm just kidding.

I could totally smell that.

Do you see the tears
streaming down my face?

So something I've learned
is that a lot of people

don't realize that comedians
know how to not be comedians

off stage.

Like some people just
think we're always set

to clown mode or something.

Because a few years ago, my mom got sick

and she was in the hospital
for part of the time.

And three weeks in her doctor turns to me

and goes, "So I heard you're a comedian."

And I was like, "Yeah, I am."

He goes, Oh, just surprises me

'cause I don't really get
a funny vibe from you.

And I was like, well, My
mom's still in the hospital

after three weeks,

so I'm not really getting
a great doctor vibe.

I can be petty off the clock too bitch.

I will do it for free.

Also, what does a funny
vibe look like to this guy?

We're in a hospital,
you think I'm gonna walk

through the waiting room honking boobs?

Like he, he, he, he, he, he.

People are bleeding out.

You gotta clock out sometimes.

But here's the thing.

When my mom was in the hospital,

she ended up getting
diagnosed with dementia,

which has of course been
the most heartbreaking thing

to go through.

But she is so smart and so
funny that even with dementia,

she's still pretty crafty, like
still tries to prank people.

So she and my brother were talking,

he thought it was going well.

And then all of a sudden
she just starts shouting,

nurse, nurse.

And my brother's like, Oh
my god, mom, I'm right here.

What do you need?

The nurses come running in.

They're like, "Kathy, oh
my God, what's going on?"

And my mom just goes, "Look
how handsome my son is."

Like, are you outta your fucking mind?

You cannot be the mom who cried hot sun.

You're gonna get kicked out of the home

because now I feel like next
time she actually needs help,

the nurse is just gonna
pop her head around

from 50 feet away and be
like, oh, let me guess,

Kathy, is your daughter funny?

Is that what you're screaming at us for?

It'd be so great if she
was like, eh, she's okay.

Don't really get a funny vibe from her.

Just want some apple juice.

I have to tell you guys
something that just happened.

My cousin and I visited my mom

and we thought that my
mom had fallen asleep.

So my cousin decided to tell me

that she just took her two high
school nieces out to dinner.

And her nieces are obsessed
with muck bong videos.

You guys know what muckbang videos are?

- [Audience Member] Yeah.

- Okay, if you don't know,
it's this big trend on YouTube.

People order massive quantities of food

and they eat them on camera.

So her nieces love these muckbang videos

and they're at dinner

and one of her nieces
cleans her plate so fast.

And my cousin looks her
and goes, Wow, Bailey,

you should do your own boocockie videos.

And her niece went white in the face,

which is very funny if you
know what boocockie is.

- [Audience Member] No.

- Remember that 0.12,
resting blood alcohol

I was talking, such a delayed reaction.

Oh look, yeah.

I can also tell that
some of you do not know

what boocockie is.

And honestly, you're better people for it.

You are more pure of heart, okay?

A Midwest mom just went,

if you wanna find out what it is,

give it a Google later.

Don't do it at work, you'll get fired.

It is a finishing move
in the world of porn.

And I am like dying
laughing at this story.

And then all of a sudden my mom goes,

"I've done boocockie once."

And my cousin and I were
like, no, no, no, no, no.

Do not say that word in the home.

I promise it is not
whatever you think it is.

It's not some fitness
class you took at the YMCA.

I'm sure my mom was just sitting
there listening like, oh,

well Zumba was full that one day.

So I think I popped over to boocockie.

He's like, no, you did not.

No you did not, nope, you never did that.

And here's the thing, I
always take really good care

of my mom, but I took extra
good care of her that day

because I was like, those
cannot be your last words.

Don't you dare.

And this is strange, but my entire family

and I, including my mom,

are actually world
champion foosball players.

Yeah, thank you.

And my mom is in the
Foosball Hall of Fame.

Yeah, but every time my
mom gets a new nurse,

the nurse will always
ask her about her life.

And my mom always goes, Well,

I'm in the foosball Hall of Fame.

And every nurse goes, "Ah, sure you are."

And I'm always standing there
like, Oh yeah, no, I know

that sounds made up,
but I swear it's real.

And the nurse is like,
"Hey, you don't have to."

And I'm like, Lady, I swear to God,

I could show you her trophies.

I can show you a video of her playing.

And that's when the nurse starts

to look at the other nurses like,

"Oh, does the daughter have dementia too?"

It's like a T-Mobile
family plan of dementia.

It's like too weird to believe.

And my mom growing up was also somebody

you did not want to cross.

My parents got divorced in the 90s

back when there were home
phone answering machines

and before the divorce,

our answering machine
message was my dad saying,

"You've reached the Cooks,
please leave us a message."

And then after the divorce,
my mom had changed it to her

just blasting Alanis
Morissette's "You Oughta Know."

So every time my dad would
call, my mom would let it go

to the machine so that if
he wanted to leave a message

for her every time he first
had to sit through the lyrics,

and I'm here to remind you

of the mess you left when you went away.

I mean, that's a bad
bitch move right there.

That takes balls.

'Cause it's not like
that was just the message

for when my dad called.

That was the message for literally anybody

who called our house.

So after a while,

we started to get
messages from people like,

Hey, this is Dave from Blockbuster

and I'm here to remind you

your space jam VHS is overdue.

Really sorry about whatever
you're going through.

And long before my mom had dementia,

she had retired from teaching,

and she had taken on some
interesting retirement hobbies.

She had started to screenshot the selfies,

I would post on Instagram and
then she would print them out

and go to Kohl's and buy
those 30 photo collage frames

and frame my selfies.

But I didn't know she was doing this

until I visited Home one day
and I just walked into a museum

of my narcissism

and my mom crept up behind me.

She was like,

do you love it?

What is this a haunted house?

This is fucking horrifying,
I'll never take a selfie again.

This is like an intervention.

But here's the thing.

Nobody had taught my mom
how to crop a screenshot.

So all of these printed framed photos

show her phone battery percentage.

If somebody texted her as
she took the screenshot,

it's up there.

There's a framed photo
somewhere of my face

with a text from my ex to my mom like,

Your daughter, just shit in a box.

Please advise.

So I decided last year that
I didn't want to have kids.

And it was so weird because
a few months later I started

to get really bad cramps
and they did an ultrasound

and they found a polyp in my uterus,

which is like a skin tag.

And I think it's so crazy
that the human instinct

to reproduce is so strong
that as soon as I said

I'm not having kids, my uterus was like,

bitch, we're growing something.

You have been zero help.

You keep feeding me diet cum,

who just hangs out in here
makes the floor sticky.

The IUD doesn't know what to do with it.

Chad's had a vasectomy, so
there's nothing to defend,

it's like two goalies on a soccer field

with no other players.

All right, Madison, you guys
have been fucking incredible.

Thank you so much.

By the way, I say I'm trying

to keep the magical eye with him.

And then also this morning I said to him,

I wiped too hard and my butt crack hurts.

He's like, "Oh wow, I
really feel the magic."

Yeah, that's, that's palpable.

That probably won't stay in the special.

But you know, I just
thought, I'd just thought

I'd share my morning with you fine folks.

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