Original subtitles

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! - Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! Oh my!

I'll change Stinky. You serve breakfast to Picky.

I'm not picky!

Ew, gross! You got egg white in my egg!

- Ugh! Just get dressed, Mandy!

These are kids' clothes, Mom!

I'm not wearing these!

Me neither!

Ew, gross! You got egg white on his diaper.

- I don't get why my kids are so spoiled.

We have tons of money, we give them everything they want,

and still totally spoiled!

Your kids should see how I grew up in the Orphanarium.

Ugh. We could only dream

of being spoiled and obnoxious.

Oh yeah?

Hey, does the Orphanarium allow visitors?

You know, so people can feel good about themselves,

and also frighten their own children?

Sure! It's called volunteering.

Ew! This place smells worse than Mandy!

- Does not! - Well, I, for one,

think volunteering is a fantastic idea.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Lieutenant Kroker! Report for emergency briefing.

Oh, thank God. I'll be back in a month!

Warden Vogel!

Leela! It seems like only yesterday

you were this tall and riddled with scurvy.

Lot of bad memories.

Is this gonna be my new family?

No, Albert. These folks are here to provide

useless, unskilled labor, not adopt you.

Oh, thank God.

Get ready for some super fun hands-on volunteer work.

But don't touch anything.

It's snack time, so you can start by cutting these grapes in half.

Ah, so the little ones don't choke.

No, so there's enough to go around.

Next, cut the blankets.

This soup smells delicious!

Can I help serve and eat it, yum-yum?

You've gotta make it first. That's just tap water.

Mm, chunky.

Shall I take this putrid trash out?

That isn't trash. It's the donation bin.

Donors put their trash in it.

Okay, kids, line up.

Each child will receive

precisely 0.6 kilograms of toy.

Two-thirds of a basketball for you,

a clump of melted army men for you,

three stuffed animals with tomato sauce for you,

and a tricy-- uh, bicycle for you.

Albert, you get a cookie. - Yum!

This used to be my room.

It's the only one with a window.

That's Bandit. He gave me my first rabies.

This is way nicer than my room at home!

Mine has too much furnitures.

And it's all so matchy-matchy.

And her toys have lots of sauce on them!

Mine don't have any!

You want me to kick her?

Here you go.

And one for you.

And one for you.

Ah. It just feels so good to help.

Can you fix our table, Mr. Shiny Pants?

I thought you'd never ask!

Can you bend my spoon straight?

No problem, kid.

How'd that happen anyway?

Damien did it. With his brain.

My man, Damien!

I apologize, kids. That was just horrible!

I'll buy you all ponies to make up for it.

Mine better be a big one!

Hey, where's Mandy?

I love it here! Whee!

Wanna play toys?

The raccoon lick'ded some of the p'sghetti sauce off.

Aw, so cute!

Hi! My name is Bearinara!

I like your ear!

- I like your big empty forehead.

You're a little green froggy just like my daddy!

Mandy! Stop kissing garbage!

But, we're having fun!

Come on. It's time to go.

Can I at least give her a hug goodbye?

I said not to touch anything dirty.

Reporting for briefing, sir!

You know, Kif, among certain females,

I'm better known for my de-briefing.

At ease, gentlemen.

Admirella? And in combat uniform?

This must be important.

Very important, Lieutenant.

What I'm about to show you is top secret.

That's why I've been keeping it close to my chest.

- Uh...

I-I should get a map like that for Amy.

Unidentified hostile aliens have wiped out

several of our remote bases

here, here, and here.

I've been to two of those bases.

And they're on a direct course for...

well, I'm not at liberty to say,

but one of the DOOP's most important planets.

Not Amphibios 9, my home world?!

Important means Earth, Lieutenant.

The very survival of Earth is at stake.

Pfft. Amphibios 9.

- Oh, ho, ho.

Those orphans sure taught us a lot

about not being spoiled. Right, kids?

Are these domestic bath salts?

What are we, bankrupt?

I miss Sally. And her fuzzly toys.

I'll get you a clean new fuzzly toy.

I'm sure you can find them anywhere.

Sold out?

Sold out?!

Ah. There they are.

Hey! - Grab. Hands off my kajigger!

It's a present for my whatsit!

Your whatsit's too old to play with kajiggers.

Ooh! Looks like we've got a little Fuzzy Funbag collector!

- People collect these things? - Oh God, yes.

From the moment I nabbed my first one, I was like...

♪ Gotta collect 'em all! ♪

Now that I know they're hard to get, I want them!

- Ow!

There! I collected 'em all.

Oh, honey, that's not even close to 'em all.

You've got, like, 195 to go.

Shman. Then, I better get started.

- Hey! - Oh, grow up.

A Bitey Bedbug came up on bBay!

- In business news... - Turn that off!

...the Fuzzy Funbag index hit an all-time high today--

- Turn that on!

Experts agree,

the mass-produced bags can only go up in value,

much like Bitcoin or tulips.

Gotta collect 'em all.

Hm...

One to go.

Cashew CuddleFish,

I'm gonna collect you so hard!

Business is booming!

We're delivering whatever these things are by the millions!

This one! The CuddleFish! Has anyone seen it?!

You seem kinda worked up, Amy. Though it is awful cute.

Gimme that drawing!

You know, there's actually quite a bit of science

behind the concept of cuteness.

Ooh! Lecture, lecture!

Since baby mammals

have relatively large eyes at birth,

we evolved to find that cute,

so we'd care for our offspring instead of strangling them.

Clever little bastards.

- Let's run an experiment.

I'm going to show a series of images,

and my cu-trometer will measure

how loud you say "aww."

Aww.

Aww!

Aww!

- Ew! - Yuck!

Correct! This face has zero cuteness coefficient.

The pinprick pupils are ugly and off-putting.

Turn it off! Turn it off!

But these Funbags, why, they take it to the next level!

Aww!

Our desire to obtain them is beyond our control.

I don't know if it's literally beyond our--

A CuddleFish is up for auction!

Just sneak in and pretend to be orphans till I get back!

Go, go, go!

Wow. You own your own bidding paddle?

I own my own number.

We now start the bidding for the rarest and cutest of all Funbags.

Cashew the CuddleFish.

All the money in my children's college funds!

Madam, that bid is more than makes any sense.

We have More Than Makes Any Sense, More Than Makes Any Sense.

Do I hear More Than Makes Any Sense and a Half?

We have More Than Makes Any Sense and a Half.

Do I hear Girl, Are You Kidding Me Right Now?

You only live once, Mother.

Although it's been a very long once.

Girl, are you kidding me right now?

Ow!

Objection! Stop the bidding!

This Funbag is a fake!

What?!

Note how the fabric on the underseam

is a slightly lighter shade than it should be.

And instead of reading "Cashew CuddleFish,"

the tag reads,

"Knockoff Phonyfish."

You're a professional Funbag appraiser!

How did you not notice that before?

Honestly, I was just too distracted by its cuteness.

Ugh! Has anyone even seen a real CuddleFish?

Maybe they don't exist!

Maybe it's all just some kinda sick, fuzzy-wuzzy game!

Now, now, calm down.

Remember, Miss Wong, you have actual kids to hug.

Who? Oh, right!

That stain looks like a moldy bunny.

That one looks like a cockaroach!

Oh, it ran away.

Let's play Funbags!

Come on, Mandy, let's go home and take a bath

and incinerate those clothes.

Wow.

What an interesting little toy.

It is? What's interesting about it?

I mean, nothing really.

They're just... so fun to trade, right?

Why do you sound weird, Mom?

I don't sound weird.

Go wait in the car!

That one is so dirty.

Wouldn't you rather have some nice clean ones?

No, I like my dirty one better.

It matches me.

Oh, b-but this purple lion is slightly rare!

And I'll throw in a whole bag

of gold variant hugger whales.

You can just have it if you want.

Take the deal!

Approaching Outpost Merveena 6,

the latest base to fall silent.

I have a weird feeling about this, Kif.

Set tension level to maximum.

Holy fri-jo-les!

It's horrifying!

After you, Kif.

Their windpipes and rib cages have been crushed.

It's as if they had their very lives cuddled out of them!

Let's check the security footage.

Whoever arrived here last must be the massacre-er.

That's Amy's boss' delivery crew's ship!

They just made a harmless delivery and stole some stuff.

Nothing illegal about that.

Some monster must've stowed aboard that ship,

then murdered everything here...

To the death.

Do you think it's still around?

Or maybe already headed to Earth?

I don't think.

I run away!

Oh, I hope Amy and the kids are alright.

Can't go on a work trip and not bring back a cute present.

So, after long and careless consideration,

your pension is now fully invested

in Fuzzy Funbags.

It's just prudent.

Any alien invaders around here?

Uh-oh. The fuzz!

Something wiped out the outpost at Merveena 6.

But, we were just there!

Uh, they had a precious vase! Much like this one!

Some unthinkable horror may have stowed away in your cargo hold.

What were you delivering?

The only thing we deliver anywhere anymore.

Fuzzy Funbags. Like that.

Exactly like this?

Let me see that Funbag.

Scalpel.

My God!

What? What's in there?

Little plastic beads! Or beans!

What did you expect? It's a beanbag.

Whoa, this is no bean.

It's alive! - Aren't beans alive?

Cork it, nerd!

Yum.

The entire organism is filled with spores!

It's essentially just one big reproductive organ.

Much like certain humans, eh, Leela?

Is it possible these little fun bags

could've caused such devastation?

Not on their own, no.

They have no brain!

Much like certain humans, eh, Leela?

Eh-- No, uh, wait.

There would have to be some malicious variant to command them.

A highly unusual one

with diabolical intelligence.

"The Alpha Funbag."

♪ dramatic sting ♪

♪ I got it, I got it! ♪

♪ The rarest in the world! ♪

♪ By ripping off a little orphan girl! ♪

I'm a terrible person.

So these Funbags are invading Earth? How is that possible?

Cuteness is a brilliant evolutionary strategy.

They can't build spaceships,

or even their own shelves to sit on.

Heh-heh, losers.

But they don't have to.

They evolved to be irresistibly cute,

so fools like everyone but me would collect them.

This is an invasion where we're buying the invaders

and bringing them into our homes!

Like my black mold Chia Pet?

What would their leader look like?

The Alpha Funbag?

Well, it wouldn't be a common one,

like Chutney the Chipmunk

or Extincty the Black Rhino.

No, it would be rare and expensive.

One only within the purview of a top collector,

such as myself, or Amy. Mm-hmm.

Or Amy?

Mm-hmm.

Mandy, Mommy did something wrong,

and it's time to make it right.

You mean abandoning us for weeks to go toy shopping?

No, but that was also an oopsie.

Here you go, Albert.

And this one's for you, Nina.

Got one to spare for a warden

with an empty space on his shelf? And in his heart?

Of course!

Enjoy, kids.

I'm donating my whole collection to the Orphanarium!

I'm back!

Mandy!

I was scareded I'd never see you again.

Sally, I did a bad thing.

Taking away your special toy.

It's rare and valuable,

and it belongs to you.

It's okay, you can keep it.

I like the one you gave me more.

That cheap common one that anybody can get?

Are you crazy?!

It's special to me,

'cause it's the first time a mommy ever gived me a present.

Please, please take it back.

Mm-mmm. It's important to you in some grown-up way,

but to me, it's just a toy.

But that's the most important thing it can be.

Just take it and have fun.

No! It's only fun to play with someone,

especially Mandy.

Is she allowed to play with me again?

You and Mandy can play together as much as you want.

Then, okay.

Mommy, you're not letting go of it.

You'll be okay. It's just a toy.

- Let's cuddle!

Ow.

Help!

It's... hugging my... neck!

Fear not!

Kif, put him out of his misery.

Ah!

Dear lord!

When the Funbags explode,

it triggers the beans to hatch!

So how are we supposed to kill them?

With my monkey-killing barrel, of course.

Just place the fun bags in and...

You've met your match,

tiny motionless cuddly animal.

I can't do it. It's too adorable!

Don't be ridiculous. Give it to me.

Oh! Dammit!

The cuteness is too much, even for me!

And I believe Bambi's mother deserved it!

It's no use. We're totally outgunned.

- Kif! Help! - Amy!

Cuddle formation!

Forward, hug!

I'm scared, Mama! I need a hug!

No, Mandy! Whatever you do, no hugging!

We mustn't release the spores,

so don't shoot anything.

How could I? Their eyes are just so big and cute.

Ah! Those tiny pinprick pupils!

- Amy, I may not make it!

You've got to kill the Alpha Funbag!

The Alpha Who-bag?

The leader! The leader!

That's it!

Nobody gets to hug Kif to death but me!

Prepare to die!

You can't kill me!

I'm the cutest thing in the universe!

Wrong! Because to a mother,

the cutest thing in the universe is her own child.

Mom! Stop it!

Oops!

Goodbye...

I know you said not to hug, but we're gonna!

Yeah, let's do.

Yes. Come give me a nice hug.

You're making this too easy!

Hey!

You're hugging too hard!

Am I too late?

No, but I may be a little snuggle-shy for a while.

That's okay. Although, I did just get you a map suit.

The Alpha Funbag is dead?

How on earth did you do it?!

Cute recognize cute.

Hm. It seems the CuddleFish has been reduced

to a common variant,

with no special powers.

That's a convenient relief.

And look how many rare ones there are now.

We're all rich!

They may be lousy toys, but they're a great investment.

And I collected 'em all!

♪ Gotta collect 'em, gotta collect 'em ♪

♪ Gotta collect 'em all! ♪