Original subtitles

ECHOING VOICE: What is the fu-- What is the fu--

♪ What is the future... ♪

♪ What is the fu-- What is the fu-- ♪

♪ What is the future? ♪

(theme song playing)

♪ What is the future... ♪

♪

News! Bad!

We're bankrupt.

Oh, I borrowed money to invest in Bitcoin.

Then the price crashed, and I sold at a huge loss.

We're ruined!

Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were watching TV.

The tragic impact destroyed the planet Klarg,

along with its 50 billion inhabitants.

(laughs)

In other news, Morbo, guess what's back?

- The planet Klarg? - Nope!

The price of Bitcoin!

Uh, wha?!

The virtual "money"

is soaring once again,

leading to a high-tech gold rush.

Prospectors are heading west, where cheap,

filthy electricity beckons the desperate.

This gives me a desperate idea!

Haven't you learned that Bitcoin

is just a pyramid scheme for rubes?

Yes, and my plan

is to exploit those rubes!

(click, beeping)

You see, the new mining chips

are made from element 81,

thallium, a rare element found out west.

I plan to actually mine it,

then sell it to the Bitcoin "miners."

It's a sure way to repay my loan brokers.

(all gasp)

(dramatic sting)

Yo. We're also leg brokers.

Goodbye, Robot Mafia!

♪

(zooming)

(electricity fizzling)

The Bitcoin mines are using

such colossal amounts of power

that it's ionizing the atmosphere.

We'll need to land and drive the rest of the way.

I'll set her down on the Donner trail.

(Wild West-esque music)

It's a good thing we brought the oxen.

Usually, we don't.

I've never been out west before,

but I'm learning a lot from these Borax Kid action books.

MAXWELL'S DEMON: I'm robbing this vault

and ain't no ionic compound gonna stop me!

- (gun cocks) - BORAX KID: Freeze, Maxwell's Demon.

I'd advise you to drop those gold molecules.

MAXWELL'S DEMON: The Borax Kid!

I'm gonna pump you full of lead.

(gunshots)

You know, 'round these parts, folks don't think things.

They reckon them. And instead of an idiot,

I'll be known as a galoot!

- Isn't this scenery spectacular, Dwight? - Uh-huh.

Your mother thought you'd enjoy some fresh air for once.

- (video game beeping) - She sure was wrong.

Well, anyway, I'm really looking forward

to some quality father-son time.

With who?

(video game beeping stops)

(grandiose music)

Ah, crypto country.

There's thallium in them thar hills!

Priceless, toxic thallium.

Um, is this thallium?

- (teeth crack) - (smacking lips)

Oh my, yes! High-grade ore!

Um, Professor? Toxic.

Relax. They're my prospecting teeth.

(chattering)

(lisping): Oh, quit your chattering.

We're almost there.

(Western-style music)

Welcome to Doge City!

Looks like you got seven hornswogglers

and a galoot!

♪

Woo-hoo! We made it!

It's pretty lawless out here in crypto country,

so put on your protective headgear.

♪

(video game beeping)

Hiya!

(groaning, grunts)

♪

- (horse snorts) - (roadrunner meeps)

Kind of old-fashioned

for a town built on high-speed computation.

Well, every watt of electricity

goes to the Bitcoin mining computers.

For everyone else,

it's practically like living in the Old West.

Old West. Got it.

Until we stake our claim and strike it rich,

keep in mind, we're bankrupt.

So we'll all need to do Old West stuff to get by.

Old West. Got it.

(saloon tack piano playing)

(quiet saloon chatter)

Welcome, friends. What'll you have?

Your freest beverage. We're very poor.

Gotcha. I'll just mix all the unfinished drinks together and start a tab.

- She seems nice. - At times, yes.

Though her mood fluctuates like the price of Bitcoin.

(yells)

And don't come back till you settle your tab!

Though, I do regret hurting you. I tell you what.

Go see the girls in the back room. It's on me.

- Girls? - Yep.

Delilah runs a house of ill repute in back.

"Ill"? You mean a hospital?

I mean a cathouse.

A pet store?

A brothel.

A soup kitchen?!

Yeah. A soup kitchen.

- (maniacal laugh) - (gunshots, man yelling)

(intimidating Western music)

Whoa! Who's that?

A psychotic killer, that's who! Get down!

Hey, Roberto! What's with the piece?

I thought you were more of a knife guy.

Out here in the West, I need something shootier.

Like this gun-knife I invented-stole!

Where's that beer I ordered-didn't order?!

You didn't order a-- (yelps)

Say, you're new in town and low on cash.

You interested in a job

as a barmaid and/or a prostitute?

Um, I'm not sure Leela has the skills to be a barmaid.

Gimme the tray!

(horse whinnying)

Alright, up next, our final item.

This burro is in near-mint condition.

Perfect for hauling Bitcoin,

light housework, or just abusing.

Bidders? Bidders? Do I have any bidders?

Twelve-millionths of a Bitcoin!

Twelve micro-Bitcoin. Do I hear 13? Thirteen, 13?

Not from me, you don't!

Fifteen! I always wanted to own a racehorse.

That's a donkey, Bender.

Donkeys are just ugly horses, Amy.

- (bell clangs) - Sold to the zoologist over there!

Oh! I'm gonna call him Rusty.

Good 'cause that's his name!

♪

(birds chirping)

Ah! This looks like a good place to make camp.

Doesn't it look like a good place to make camp?

It looks stupid. This whole trip is stupid.

You're stupid, Pops!

I appreciate your constructive criticism, son.

I wish Roberto were my dad.

He's cooler than a green snake smoking a sugar cane vape.

No self-respecting green snake would do that!

(imitating Roberto's laugh)

(triumphant Western music)

- (clank) - Kind sir, could you assay this nugget?

By my tooth test, I estimate it's 0.3% thallium.

Tooth test? (cackles) Balderweeds.

Let's see what my metallurgical analyzer says.

(chomp, beeping, ding)

ANALYZER: 0.3% thallium.

Hoo-hoo, boy!

I'll give you 100 micro-Bitcoin for it.

But weed a million times that amount

or we're gonna get clamped!

(cackles) Robot Mafia, huh? Eh.

Well, maybe there's some thallium

in that there chassis of yours.

(whirring, clanking)

Assay my shiny metal ass!

- (chomps) - (yelps)

(beeping, buzz)

ANALYZER: 0.0000...

Tain't even worth melting down.

Well then, perhaps my ass might be of value to you

in some other way?

Eh, it might make a good frying pan,

but fried food makes me cackle. (cackles)

We'll just sell you the nugget.

- (whoosh) - (cash register dings)

May I ask who turns the thallium into microchips?

I'm an all-in-one operation.

My motto is, "He who smelts it, dealts it!"

- (clattering) - (beeping, squish)

(ding)

Pop one of those in a high-end server, and blam!

- You're mining crypto. - (ding)

Ooh, lookie there! Found another Bitcoin!

- (beep) - Aw, dog dumplings.

It's just a danged Ethereum.

♪

(door creaks)

Hello, I'm Zoidberg.

Like you, I'm a doctor.

So, uh, what's your survival rate?

Pretty high. I'm a psychiatrist.

Got a patient coming 'round for anger management about now.

(door opens)

Hiya, Doc. Boy, it's been a stressful week.

What's with the jumbo prawn?

A colleague. Mind if he sits in?

Yes, I do mind!

I value doctor-patient confidentiality!

(screaming)

- Patang! - DOCTOR: Ah!

(thud)

(saloon tack piano playing)

So, how's business?

Disappointing. I only got 30 cents in tips

and one request to visit the back room.

I mean, I wouldn't go, but it's nice to be asked.

Can you think of anything I can do to look sluttier?

Nope. (gasps)

Look! The Borax Kid!

And his sidekick Mumbles!

You know he's not actually a hero

like in his books, right?

He's a poker cheat and a low-down base mineral.

Wow. The Borax Kid.

Excuse me, Mr. Kid.

My name is Fry,

and I'm a big fan of your young adult adventures.

Oh, really? Uh, do you play poker?

Yeah, but I was warned not to play poker with you.

Well, then how about a hand of Colorado Chump?

As long as it's not poker.

So what are you doing here?

Fighting evil or just helping townspeople?

Not much money in helping folks.

Double chump. You lose.

ROBERTO: I heard the Borax Kid's in town.

Come on out here, Kid!

Mumbles, go see what all that fuss is about.

And wear my signature hat.

(mumbling)

- (gunshots) - ROBERTO: Pa-pow-pow!

Mumbles is dead!

(mumbling)

Don't argue with me, Mumbles. I'm the town doctor.

Well, shucks. My sidekicks seem to be dying right regular.

And in gruesome fashion.

Care to be my new sidekick?

Really? Do I get to die in your next book?

Page three.

Then you got yourself a galoot.

♪

Nice camp. Is this my tent?

No. You only come in to tidy up.

There's just enough room for me and my private library there.

Can I sleep in the library?

I'd like to say yes, but then it wouldn't be private.

♪

This place has too much outdoors!

It's all bugs and no Wi-Fi.

Don't get your dreads in a knot, son.

Any more than they're supposed to be.

How about a father-son limbo break?

I hate limbo, Dad! Limbo is stupid.

Limbo stupid? Where did I go wrong?

Probably when you took up limbo.

From what I'm hearing, it's stupid.

Bender! Where are the shovels I asked you to pack?

Oh, you said shovels?

I thought you said take a break and do nothing.

Hm. Then we'll just have to find thallium

the old-fashioned way. By panning.

Panning? With what?

(sighs) Sometimes, I think a detachable ass

is more a curse than a blessing. Come on, Rusty.

(clopping)

♪

♪ We're just a guy with no ass ♪

♪ And his ass ♪

♪ Assin' it up under an asinine sky ♪

♪ Assin' to the tumbleweeds as we ass by ♪

♪ Yodeling a cowboy tune ♪

♪ But, not yet! ♪

♪ People sass me on my ass as we pass ♪

♪ They say, wouldn't it be better if my ass rode me? ♪

♪ They tell me I outweigh my ass ♪

♪ By a factor of three ♪

♪ So, I punch 'em and I kick their ♪

♪ Yodel-odel-ay-hee-hoo ♪

(harmonizing braying)

♪ Ass, butt, rear-end, ass ♪

♪ Yodel-ay hee hoo-- ♪

- (bones crack) - (yelps)

- What the? Rusty! No! - (mournful bray)

- (both screaming) - (crash)

Oh, why didn't I listen to my own song?!

(playing tack piano, rollers rattling)

Get yourself tuned or get outta town,

you overgrowed teletype machine.

(cackling)

Eh, shut your cackling trap!

- (cackling) - (clanging)

Cram that racket!

This is a nice, quiet saloon with attached bordello.

You handle the menfolk pretty well.

But mess with my customers again,

and I'll kill you in your sleep!

Lovin' the boots.

Um, have you considered seeing someone

- about your mood swings? - No!

But it is a good idea.

- (doors open) - DWIGHT: Mr. Roberto?

Folks call me Amarillo Dwight.

On account of I wrote a geography report on it.

Done got me a "A."

How's about you and me team up and rob stuff?

- What are you, like, 11? - Twelve.

Close enough. I need a kid for a job I'm planning.

See that stagecoach?

(horses neigh)

It's taking a USB stick

with a company's weekly haul of Bitcoin credentials

to a bank in San Francisc-y.

Only, they ain't never gonna reach San Francisc-y.

Why not? They using Apple Maps?

♪

(groans) Not one patient.

Not even a case of splinters to treat with my bone saw.

(weak bray)

Thanks, robot, but I couldn't eat a thing right now.

(weak braying)

(sniffles) Can you save him, Doc?

If it's something that can be cured by a bone saw!

I'll need anesthetic!

Get me a bottle of animal whiskey!

ROBERTO: Ha-ha!

They see a cute kid lying in the road,

stagecoach gotta stop.

Then I jump out and stab 'em!

Bang!

But, won't that be, like, murder?

'Cause colleges look at stuff like that.

Here they come! Shut up and look cute.

(horses trotting)

(Dwight screams)

Guess you ain't as cute as I thought.

(groaning)

(snaps, yelps)

♪

(mechanism whirring)

The West can be dangerous at night, Leela,

so thanks for walking me home.

- (roaring) - (yelping)

- Don't worry. The Kid will save us, right? - BORAX KID: Right.

(whimpering)

- Better back off, puma. - (snarls)

I think it's actually a cougar.

Puma, cougar, whatever! Get him, Kid!

Or a mountain lion.

You know, they're really all the same animal.

- (roaring) - (screams)

(frightened growling, snarling)

(cocks gun)

It seems I bravely shot that catamount

just in time after Fry missed.

Thanks, Kid. Maybe I was wrong about you.

Beautiful ladies are wrong about lots of things.

- (clicks tongue) - (Leela giggles)

Ah, it's nice to see you two getting along so intimately.

♪

It's hopeless!

There's barely any thallium!

Just worthless gold.

Well, Rusty's good as new!

I performed surgery on Bender's ass!

Zoidberg is the hero!

(loud clang)

No! Bender's ass is!

♪

I mean his butt ass.

♪

(all gasping)

It's so beautiful.

Hey, what's that big rock on it?

It's enough thallium to pay off all our debts!

Eh, well, mine, anyway.

Only the assay shop's closed for the night,

and it's getting dark.

We'll have to take turns guarding the nugget

with our lives until morning.

I'd take a shift myself,

but I am already in my pajamas.

(snoring)

♪

I steal it. I steal it not. I steal it...

- (gun cocks) - (yelps)

Gimme the nugget!

And the daisy, too. I gotta know how it comes out!

(birds chirping)

(all yawning)

Ah, nature.

I hate it. Let's sell that thallium nugget

and hit the trail.

Oh, no. The nugget is gone!

And so is Bender.

- (muffled braying) - Eh, wha?

AMY: Oh, my gosh! Rusty!

Bray us what happened!

(braying)

Come on! He's picked up Bender's scent!

His what now?

(saloon tack piano playing)

(music stops)

(tense music)

(braying)

Back room don't open till church lets out.

(gasps) It's empty!

This is the worst brothel I've ever seen.

(music builds)

- (gasps) - (beeping)

It's an immense Bitcoin mine!

Or an even worse brothel.

These aren't servers. They're robot heads!

Someone's using them to mine Bitcoin!

That's actually a pretty reasonable

use case for robot heads. But--

Hey! It's a guy I know.

(all gasping)

Are you okay, Bender?

No, I'm not okay! That's a stupid question!

I was peacefully stealing your thallium,

when, suddenly-- Ha-ha!

I was kidnapped by our friend from the saloon.

- (door opens) - I'm not your friend.

(dramatic sting)

(laughs) Though, I do like you a lot.

(dramatic music)

Didn't you ever wonder who was gettin' rich

off all this Bitcoin nonsense?

- Never! - Computer servers are expensive,

but robot heads are cheap. Heck, free.

Mining Bitcoin with kidnapped robot heads?

It's pure evil!

Hardly. I donate all the proceeds to a local orphanage.

ALL: Aw...

But I can't let you tell anyone

about my generous scheme,

so I'll have to seal you

in this comfortably air-conditioned warehouse.

- Forever! - (all gasp)

But I'll drop by every day with snacks.

- HERMES: Aw... - ZOIDBERG: Snacks are good.

(beep, slam)

(humming)

(stops humming)

♪

(dramatic sting)

Huh.

Crypto mining was total hell.

Any number you can think of,

- there's a number bigger than that! - (banging)

So how do we get out of here?

Easy. We'll burrow out!

(braying)

Burrow! Burrow!

(weakly): I deserved that.

♪

This tie pin? Why, it was a gift

from my good friend Diamond Jim Diamond.

That guy who's just a big diamond? You know him?

Step away from Leela, Kid.

♪

The jig is up! I found your collection

of Buffalo Bill Cobalt novels.

You just copied those

and replaced his name with yours!

- What?! - Well, now,

there's nothing illegal about that.

Those old stories are public domain.

I change up a few words

and claim the copyright for myself.

- Ya ever heard of Cinderella? - That is so evil!

I'm calling you out, Kid.

(dramatic music)

(dramatic tack piano)

I told you, stop that racket! (cackling)

Not till you stop that damn cackling!

Then I'm callin' you out.

(cackling)

(rumbling, crumbling)

(Rusty braying)

BENDER: Delilah, you head-napper!

I'm calling you out!

- You're on. - (cackling continues)

♪

Look out, Fry! He's got the ace of spades!

That, sir, was my cheatin' hand.

(gunfire)

(cackling)

(faster tack piano)

(Hermes screaming)

Pops! Get outta there!

I'm too scared!

There's bullets in every dimension!

(whirring)

Hang on! I'm limboing in!

- You. Play something Jamaican. - (flips coin)

(Jamaican music)

(gunfire, cackling continue)

- (cackling continues) - (shoes popping)

(spine cracking)

Your spine!

It's magnificent!

I take after my dad.

Also, I got run over. Now, follow me!

(shoes popping)

(yelps)

- (bullet ricochets) - (piano stops)

(gunfire continues)

This gun violence has to end!

Can't we all just agree to use knives?

- (gunfire stops) - Ha-ha!

Well, shucks.

Ow!

Oops. Sorry, Leela.

Ma'am, I'd be right honored to disinfect your wound

with the kiss of borax.

May I escort you to the brothel, so as you can lie down?

I've never been so offended yet slightly flattered!

Then, I reckon I'll be moseying off

to plagiarize another adventure. Ma'am.

Perhaps I could disinfect your wound.

I'd like that.

Care to escort me to the brothel?

It seems, Miss Delilah,

you've taken a shot to the bustle.

Fortunately, it bounced off your damned thallium nugget.

Here. It's rightfully yours.

- (bones crack) - PROFESSOR: Oh!

Well, I'd better go exchange this

for Bitcoin, so I can--

- Pay back the Robot Mafia?! - (clamping)

Exactly. I'll be back in a moment.

And in the meantime,

how would you gents fancy a visit to the back room?

DONBOT: That sounds like something we would enjoy.

(panting)

I love you, Pops.

And limbo is not entirely stupid.

Oh, son. Neither are you.

(heartwarming music)

(dramatic crescendo)

If we ever get outta here,

I'm gonna give this brothel a really bad Yelp review.

(dramatic sting)

♪